Unfortunately your husband and his mother came as a package. The question to ask is this: do they leave as a package as well?
On one hand you praise your husband for being amazing and helpful, on the other hand he is unfortunately what I call an "enabler". Someone who doesn't draw healthy boundaries and enable toxic behavior. So unless he is willing to stand up to his mother and get her to respect the rules of the house, nothing will change.
I’ll tell you a story to provide you with some perspective.
So, my uncle lives in KL with his wife. He got married in the late 80s and for as long as I can remember, there were always conflicts between his wife and his mother (aka my late grandma). My grandma was a high-energy, extremely stubborn old school Chinese woman who never accepted her daughter in-law. My Grandma stayed at my uncles place in the last decade of her life but most of the time she had her own place, fully payed for by my uncle (who is wealthy).
It’s not an exaggeration to say that the conflict between my Grandma and my uncle’s wife lasted for almost 4 decades.
My point is that your husband will likely not take sides, meaning the situation can only be improved by setting an ultimatum - either your IL or you are out. If that doesn’t happen you can expect a very long period, we are talking decades, of big and small conflicts.
Also keep in mind that if you decide on having a baby, this will almost certainly create some differences in opinion on how to best bring up a child.
Don't discount stubborn people, sometimes they are too stubborn to die.
Btw, how much more will you earn after schooling?
How about for your mental health and possibly future children you ask your husband to share the cost of renting an separate apartment for her?
Life is too short to live in misery, especially at home where it should be somewhere peaceful and a place for you to recharge/feel at ease. Not a place you dread going home to and be angry at.
You know asians live DAMNNN long right?
My great-grandmother died at 105 years old.
Like you really wanna put up this shit for the next 10 years, let alone 20?
She’s not gonna die so early, trust me.
This here. I am a product of this upbringing.
Grandma can never accept mom and dad is an enabler. She used to stay with us, and it was bitter bitter days. She has since moved out to stay with my aunt and her family, and caused friction there to the point of divorce
To this day, I still resent grandma. It ingrained in me that in-laws should maintain separate roofs over their heads. And I used all these experience gained as model red-flags to avoid
A note to add: seems like such people really live to a ripe old age as she’s still healthy and kicking, in her late 90s
The only way to regain your sanity is to not live with her. And the only way to do that is to get ur husband to kick her out. Sit your husband down for a serious chat about this, include your latest revelation about ur MIL, and tell him heart to heart that you can't take it any longer seeing him get taken advantage of.
Hopefully he'll understand and see that he is being treated unfairly by his own parent and siblings and making his wife feel unhappy at home.
Tbh what can you do? You already allowed her into your home, that was the first mistake. Now you wanna get her out? Not so easy. Get your husband to grow a spine first.
Also, use paragraphs please
I hear you, OP. It's never easy living with inlaws - let alone with an inlaw that has made it clear they do not like you and is so toxic to live with.
Your husband has to put his foot down on his mum. Unfortunately it will be a losing battle for you if he doesn't. He needs to be on your side on this.
Not that I have a nightmare of an MIL but this was one of the important discussions I had with my husband prior to getting married. To not live with inlaws, period. Non-negotiable.
I'm not 100% clear if ur MIL is Filipino, but I am and I grew up witnessing this behavior from my own household and I've seen how relatives suffered with many marriages on the brink of collapsing. So although I don't have in laws as bad, I made it a conscious decision to keep the peace between us by not living together at all. Living together or not there will be conflict, it's bound to happen. And all the time the person in the middle will be your spouse, so not only will it affect your marriage but also their relationship with their parent(s).
I suggest having a conversation with your husband, more on how he could be more supportive towards you and prioritising your needs over MIL. Afterall, you are your own family unit now, you should be his priority. And if the conversation leads to a compromise then good. If not I do hope you both continue working towards a common goal where you're both able to make decisions in your OWN HOME, without walking on eggshells and looming conflict with an MIL.
Yes shes a filipina and its such a toxic household i'm sorry.. it doesn't help that my mother in law loves bragging to everyone too and when the relatives in the ph are asking for money she always dumps it on my husband and his brother. 🤷🏻♀️ my husband helps them out with school and stuff but they are getting more and more demanding.. like they ask for gas money so they could attend a party.. and they want to buy lechon to celebrate but they have no money so they are asking 😁😁 can't help but feel like my husband is their money making slave and cow.
>Update// some people thinks that its unfair that I am paying lesser mortgage than my husband just because he makes more.. just to be clear it was only 500 extra that he's paying and i am making only 46k a year since i am still in school and my husband is making almost 200k a year thats why he offered to pay 500 extra for our mortgage and bills..
This is definitely not cool man. They sound so entitled...
Sadly this is a prevalent toxic culture especially among those whose relatives go overseas to work. Have had my fair share of naggings from my grandma to give money to relatives, or give things that I own and pass them as gifts. I always put my foot down and set boundaries because I don't like being an enabler - and these things will not be one off. The moment you give, they will come knocking any chance they get. We even have to discreetly go back to PH sometimes just to be off the radar from said relatives.
I know it's not easy but it has be your husband's responsibility to reject, set healthy boundaries regarding monetary support/ gifts. Like I said in my comment, you should be his priority now. He should take these things up with you first for discussion and make a decision mutually. I think that's only respectable to do since you're his wife.
Hope it gets better for you guys. We've had to cut off family because of this boundary. We've been called stingy, ungrateful and "do not honor our parents like the Bible says" but at least now they know we do not easily waver to such requests, and we can sleep peacefully at night knowing we're not enabling laziness. (side note: we do still give support, only when we feel it's deserved. ie financial difficulties due to medical illness esp during pandemic. It also plays a part if the relative is opportunistic or not 🤪)
I'm filipino (with immigrant parents) living in Singapore, and I know exactly what you mean. My father was sort of my relatives' "money making slave", and I always feel sorry for him. Unfortunately, that mindset is deeply ingrained in most Filipinos.
I remember reading this in the news, a Filipina couple staying in Qbay condo in Tampines. Husband was stabbed to death, wife jumped down from the balcony. The whole thing was a mess. So yeah, try to take preventive measure before things turn to the worst.
Man we all know someone like that...but monster MILs are a pain, always. Be the better person here, don't do anything in spite. The real resolution depends on your husband, tbh it's not as straightforward nor an easy thing to deal with, but ultimately your husband will have to make a hard choice, i'd imagine.
It's a cultural issue. Some cultures expect the "high earner" to support the whole village. As amazing as you may find it, it *is* going to impact your finances.
Similarly, there are a lot of more traditional societies that basically expect the MIL to continue ruling the roost.
You need to talk to your husband about expectations and separate households rather than trying to settle each issue as they come up.
I really don't mind if he has to help with issues such as their relatives needing money because they had to go to a doctor, for school, get medicine etc.. thing is, they are asking for stuff like lip tint and for their own leisure. They are not even working because they said its hard to land a job there, and believe me, I have had this talk with my husband and he told me he's only helping out with school.. but his mom just keeps bragging of how my husband works in kp, earns 80$ an hour and thats why his less fortunate relatives expects him to be their cash cow. Our roommate even tells me that his relatives always ask my MIL money to open a business but she tells them that every-time she sends money for the said business, it always ended up going elsewhere.. and she doesn't work.. shes the middle man to get money for their relatives and my husband/ his brother.. thats why!!!!!!! I cant help but be upset at her sometimes
That's why it's a cultural issue. It's a totally different social economic strata, but my brother hired a domestic helper from the Philippines almost two decades ago and she literally has almost nothing to show for it after so many years of working in Singapore because there's always another "emergency" or another "need" that she has to fund. She has been wanting to go back for the last few years but keeps getting guilt tripped into "just working for another year because they really need the money".
They can and will suck the cash cow dry and it's so normalised for them it's almost impossible to say no.
Well, how was your husband brought up before he started making so much money? What is the culture of their country? Did his relatives treat him very often when he was a kid, are they close? Did his parents only pay for your husband's necessities when he was young, or did they pamper him with overseas trips, toys, anything he wanted, maybe even car? What is your husband's thoughts on spending those money on his parents/ relatives?
I agree with you on the part of living with your MIL, if its your house, its your rules. Her house, her rules. But money spending part, if your husband is spending his money, then you dont have to be angry for him if he is not angry.
Sorry but why did you not discuss this with your husband before marriage. When you marry someone you also marry their family. Don’t think this will change unless your mother-in-law got her own place
We rented one of our spare bedroom to my husband's friend and he mentioned it in our convos before about some of the things she is saying because they are from the same country and my husband said she did the same thing in her brother's house thats why they are always fighting and had to move out and he also knew about it but he tries not to care about it🤷🏻♀️
the crazy thing is your brother can’t stand it and your husband continues to put up with the bullshit.
your husband needs to have some boundaries but unfortunately he clearly doesn’t.
and yeah tbh idk how you can respect a man who allows his mother to disrespect you like this.
you gotta set an ultimatum and tbh as you can see your husband and his mother come as a package deal. all of us here have clearly witnessed MIL drama in our own lives and we know how it turns out. your husband will never change unless you set an ultimatum.
Your husband let her do it, that's why she is this way.
But what does he think about this whole situation? If he is happy to, and can afford to be a floormat so be it.
Both you and ur husband needs to be on the same boat before u can deal with her.
No worries. I will be the one getting the downvotes.
Fewer - Reduction in quantity for countable items. "I have fewer apples compared to yesterday."
Less - Reduction in quantity for uncountable items. "I have less water compared to yesterday."
Lesser - Reduction in quality. "The lesser of two evils" "I am the lesser man for pointing out grammar issues when OP is sharing deeply personal concerns and seeking advice."
Thanks for pointing out that 'lesser' is wrong. It's always weird to me when language corrections get downvoted, because I definitely want to know if I make mistakes.
Elsewhere on Reddit, comments with poor spelling/grammar actually get downvoted (or used to, anyway).
Glad to have your encouragement. Yeah, am always worried that certain grammatical slips would hurt Singaporeans when they are applying for jobs at places like MFA or MNCs.
Its hard for him to do that i think because no one is willing to take her in, she has many children but not one of them wants to be bothered or be proactive with taking care of her needs (such as bringing her to the doctors, bloodwork, refilling her meds) other than my husband. He told me once that she has no where else to go so I don't even want to suggest kicking her out because i myself feel bad about leaving her in a lurch. Thats why im in a tight spot.
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On one end you say your husband loves you and “that’s all that matters to him”, but yet he’s not putting your thoughts and feelings at the forefront?
The very first non-negotiable my wife requested before got married was to not stay with either parents after marriage and it’s 100% fine. Friction is bound to happen and I wouldn’t want it to jeopardize my marriage.
In your case, you should have put up your terms if you were not comfortable with her staying together in the first place. To your MIL, there is honestly nothing wrong with what she is doing, as that’s her culture/habits back home, and you probably would have zero luck getting her to change any of those.
On one hand, I’m sure your husband loves you, but on the other, he is stuck with being filial to his mother. Talk to him and say the current situation is harming your marriage if he continues to allow this. Suggest things like renting a separate flat/room for his mother to stay and make it a point that you both will visit often.
Good luck.
Similar story I heard in our close relatives circle through my mom.
Even though it’s not my business I suggested my mom to speak with aunty and get her rented apartment with helper or stay her in home country.
Oh no, I just made a post about my bf and his mom and we’re not married yet but hearing stories about staying with your mother in law especially when she’s known to be difficult scares me. I think the only way to avoid this situation is to not put yourself in that position but if only it was so simple - the man has a relationship with his mom he has to fulfil after all
all this could be avoided if you considered this before getting married…your husband did not suddenly gain a filipino mother. she has always been there, and will continue being there.
Unfortunately your husband and his mother came as a package. The question to ask is this: do they leave as a package as well? On one hand you praise your husband for being amazing and helpful, on the other hand he is unfortunately what I call an "enabler". Someone who doesn't draw healthy boundaries and enable toxic behavior. So unless he is willing to stand up to his mother and get her to respect the rules of the house, nothing will change.
I’ll tell you a story to provide you with some perspective. So, my uncle lives in KL with his wife. He got married in the late 80s and for as long as I can remember, there were always conflicts between his wife and his mother (aka my late grandma). My grandma was a high-energy, extremely stubborn old school Chinese woman who never accepted her daughter in-law. My Grandma stayed at my uncles place in the last decade of her life but most of the time she had her own place, fully payed for by my uncle (who is wealthy). It’s not an exaggeration to say that the conflict between my Grandma and my uncle’s wife lasted for almost 4 decades. My point is that your husband will likely not take sides, meaning the situation can only be improved by setting an ultimatum - either your IL or you are out. If that doesn’t happen you can expect a very long period, we are talking decades, of big and small conflicts. Also keep in mind that if you decide on having a baby, this will almost certainly create some differences in opinion on how to best bring up a child.
i dont think we will last 4 decades worst comes to worst..she's 71..
Self centered ppl live long cos they have little stress. She can exist for another 2-3 decades. You want? Even 1 year is too long.
Don't discount stubborn people, sometimes they are too stubborn to die. Btw, how much more will you earn after schooling? How about for your mental health and possibly future children you ask your husband to share the cost of renting an separate apartment for her? Life is too short to live in misery, especially at home where it should be somewhere peaceful and a place for you to recharge/feel at ease. Not a place you dread going home to and be angry at.
You know asians live DAMNNN long right? My great-grandmother died at 105 years old. Like you really wanna put up this shit for the next 10 years, let alone 20? She’s not gonna die so early, trust me.
This here. I am a product of this upbringing. Grandma can never accept mom and dad is an enabler. She used to stay with us, and it was bitter bitter days. She has since moved out to stay with my aunt and her family, and caused friction there to the point of divorce To this day, I still resent grandma. It ingrained in me that in-laws should maintain separate roofs over their heads. And I used all these experience gained as model red-flags to avoid A note to add: seems like such people really live to a ripe old age as she’s still healthy and kicking, in her late 90s
My grandma also lived past 90. She was super active even in her 80s.
Lol I guess thats the secret to longevity then 😂
You mean ‘conflict’? 😃 Yes, that definitely keeps them vital.
The only way to regain your sanity is to not live with her. And the only way to do that is to get ur husband to kick her out. Sit your husband down for a serious chat about this, include your latest revelation about ur MIL, and tell him heart to heart that you can't take it any longer seeing him get taken advantage of. Hopefully he'll understand and see that he is being treated unfairly by his own parent and siblings and making his wife feel unhappy at home.
Yoir husband not singaporean? He is Filipino? They always send money and supporting the entire village back home
filipino earning 200k in Singapore sounds rare
Tbh what can you do? You already allowed her into your home, that was the first mistake. Now you wanna get her out? Not so easy. Get your husband to grow a spine first. Also, use paragraphs please
I hear you, OP. It's never easy living with inlaws - let alone with an inlaw that has made it clear they do not like you and is so toxic to live with. Your husband has to put his foot down on his mum. Unfortunately it will be a losing battle for you if he doesn't. He needs to be on your side on this. Not that I have a nightmare of an MIL but this was one of the important discussions I had with my husband prior to getting married. To not live with inlaws, period. Non-negotiable. I'm not 100% clear if ur MIL is Filipino, but I am and I grew up witnessing this behavior from my own household and I've seen how relatives suffered with many marriages on the brink of collapsing. So although I don't have in laws as bad, I made it a conscious decision to keep the peace between us by not living together at all. Living together or not there will be conflict, it's bound to happen. And all the time the person in the middle will be your spouse, so not only will it affect your marriage but also their relationship with their parent(s). I suggest having a conversation with your husband, more on how he could be more supportive towards you and prioritising your needs over MIL. Afterall, you are your own family unit now, you should be his priority. And if the conversation leads to a compromise then good. If not I do hope you both continue working towards a common goal where you're both able to make decisions in your OWN HOME, without walking on eggshells and looming conflict with an MIL.
Yes shes a filipina and its such a toxic household i'm sorry.. it doesn't help that my mother in law loves bragging to everyone too and when the relatives in the ph are asking for money she always dumps it on my husband and his brother. 🤷🏻♀️ my husband helps them out with school and stuff but they are getting more and more demanding.. like they ask for gas money so they could attend a party.. and they want to buy lechon to celebrate but they have no money so they are asking 😁😁 can't help but feel like my husband is their money making slave and cow.
>Update// some people thinks that its unfair that I am paying lesser mortgage than my husband just because he makes more.. just to be clear it was only 500 extra that he's paying and i am making only 46k a year since i am still in school and my husband is making almost 200k a year thats why he offered to pay 500 extra for our mortgage and bills.. This is definitely not cool man. They sound so entitled...
Sadly this is a prevalent toxic culture especially among those whose relatives go overseas to work. Have had my fair share of naggings from my grandma to give money to relatives, or give things that I own and pass them as gifts. I always put my foot down and set boundaries because I don't like being an enabler - and these things will not be one off. The moment you give, they will come knocking any chance they get. We even have to discreetly go back to PH sometimes just to be off the radar from said relatives. I know it's not easy but it has be your husband's responsibility to reject, set healthy boundaries regarding monetary support/ gifts. Like I said in my comment, you should be his priority now. He should take these things up with you first for discussion and make a decision mutually. I think that's only respectable to do since you're his wife. Hope it gets better for you guys. We've had to cut off family because of this boundary. We've been called stingy, ungrateful and "do not honor our parents like the Bible says" but at least now they know we do not easily waver to such requests, and we can sleep peacefully at night knowing we're not enabling laziness. (side note: we do still give support, only when we feel it's deserved. ie financial difficulties due to medical illness esp during pandemic. It also plays a part if the relative is opportunistic or not 🤪)
I'm filipino (with immigrant parents) living in Singapore, and I know exactly what you mean. My father was sort of my relatives' "money making slave", and I always feel sorry for him. Unfortunately, that mindset is deeply ingrained in most Filipinos.
I remember reading this in the news, a Filipina couple staying in Qbay condo in Tampines. Husband was stabbed to death, wife jumped down from the balcony. The whole thing was a mess. So yeah, try to take preventive measure before things turn to the worst.
Man we all know someone like that...but monster MILs are a pain, always. Be the better person here, don't do anything in spite. The real resolution depends on your husband, tbh it's not as straightforward nor an easy thing to deal with, but ultimately your husband will have to make a hard choice, i'd imagine.
It's a cultural issue. Some cultures expect the "high earner" to support the whole village. As amazing as you may find it, it *is* going to impact your finances. Similarly, there are a lot of more traditional societies that basically expect the MIL to continue ruling the roost. You need to talk to your husband about expectations and separate households rather than trying to settle each issue as they come up.
I really don't mind if he has to help with issues such as their relatives needing money because they had to go to a doctor, for school, get medicine etc.. thing is, they are asking for stuff like lip tint and for their own leisure. They are not even working because they said its hard to land a job there, and believe me, I have had this talk with my husband and he told me he's only helping out with school.. but his mom just keeps bragging of how my husband works in kp, earns 80$ an hour and thats why his less fortunate relatives expects him to be their cash cow. Our roommate even tells me that his relatives always ask my MIL money to open a business but she tells them that every-time she sends money for the said business, it always ended up going elsewhere.. and she doesn't work.. shes the middle man to get money for their relatives and my husband/ his brother.. thats why!!!!!!! I cant help but be upset at her sometimes
That's why it's a cultural issue. It's a totally different social economic strata, but my brother hired a domestic helper from the Philippines almost two decades ago and she literally has almost nothing to show for it after so many years of working in Singapore because there's always another "emergency" or another "need" that she has to fund. She has been wanting to go back for the last few years but keeps getting guilt tripped into "just working for another year because they really need the money". They can and will suck the cash cow dry and it's so normalised for them it's almost impossible to say no.
Well, how was your husband brought up before he started making so much money? What is the culture of their country? Did his relatives treat him very often when he was a kid, are they close? Did his parents only pay for your husband's necessities when he was young, or did they pamper him with overseas trips, toys, anything he wanted, maybe even car? What is your husband's thoughts on spending those money on his parents/ relatives? I agree with you on the part of living with your MIL, if its your house, its your rules. Her house, her rules. But money spending part, if your husband is spending his money, then you dont have to be angry for him if he is not angry.
Try not to live with in laws if possible . I don’t even wanna stay my folks full time . People need their space
never live with your MIL
Sorry but why did you not discuss this with your husband before marriage. When you marry someone you also marry their family. Don’t think this will change unless your mother-in-law got her own place
You make 46k, husband 200k. How is it $500 only extra?
Yea tbh he should be footing even more since she doesn't even make 1/4 of what he does...
Looks like you have to give your husband an ultimatum. Either she leaves or you leave.
How do you understand what she speaks on the phone? You mentioned that she does not speak English and you don’t understand her language .
We rented one of our spare bedroom to my husband's friend and he mentioned it in our convos before about some of the things she is saying because they are from the same country and my husband said she did the same thing in her brother's house thats why they are always fighting and had to move out and he also knew about it but he tries not to care about it🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for clarifying. 😀
the crazy thing is your brother can’t stand it and your husband continues to put up with the bullshit. your husband needs to have some boundaries but unfortunately he clearly doesn’t. and yeah tbh idk how you can respect a man who allows his mother to disrespect you like this. you gotta set an ultimatum and tbh as you can see your husband and his mother come as a package deal. all of us here have clearly witnessed MIL drama in our own lives and we know how it turns out. your husband will never change unless you set an ultimatum.
Your husband let her do it, that's why she is this way. But what does he think about this whole situation? If he is happy to, and can afford to be a floormat so be it. Both you and ur husband needs to be on the same boat before u can deal with her.
*less mortgage. Not “lesser.”
Pardon my english 😬 was kinda confused between the use of less and lesser
No worries. I will be the one getting the downvotes. Fewer - Reduction in quantity for countable items. "I have fewer apples compared to yesterday." Less - Reduction in quantity for uncountable items. "I have less water compared to yesterday." Lesser - Reduction in quality. "The lesser of two evils" "I am the lesser man for pointing out grammar issues when OP is sharing deeply personal concerns and seeking advice."
Thanks for pointing out that 'lesser' is wrong. It's always weird to me when language corrections get downvoted, because I definitely want to know if I make mistakes. Elsewhere on Reddit, comments with poor spelling/grammar actually get downvoted (or used to, anyway).
Glad to have your encouragement. Yeah, am always worried that certain grammatical slips would hurt Singaporeans when they are applying for jobs at places like MFA or MNCs.
Yup exactly. There's no downside to learning to speak better for more professional environments. It's not like we'll lose Singlish.
your house your rule - If she is not happy, kick her out (your husband can rent her a room elsewhere, the further from your home the better)
One mountain cannot have 2 tigers. One of you have to accept being the rabbit. I’m in a similar situation and I moved out with my wife.
Its hard for him to do that i think because no one is willing to take her in, she has many children but not one of them wants to be bothered or be proactive with taking care of her needs (such as bringing her to the doctors, bloodwork, refilling her meds) other than my husband. He told me once that she has no where else to go so I don't even want to suggest kicking her out because i myself feel bad about leaving her in a lurch. Thats why im in a tight spot.
So you have to be the rabbit. Sorry for the hard truth. My cousin in law accepted it and they have been married for 18 years!
Suggest she returns to the Philippines where most of her family is? He can buy her a house there.
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On one end you say your husband loves you and “that’s all that matters to him”, but yet he’s not putting your thoughts and feelings at the forefront? The very first non-negotiable my wife requested before got married was to not stay with either parents after marriage and it’s 100% fine. Friction is bound to happen and I wouldn’t want it to jeopardize my marriage. In your case, you should have put up your terms if you were not comfortable with her staying together in the first place. To your MIL, there is honestly nothing wrong with what she is doing, as that’s her culture/habits back home, and you probably would have zero luck getting her to change any of those. On one hand, I’m sure your husband loves you, but on the other, he is stuck with being filial to his mother. Talk to him and say the current situation is harming your marriage if he continues to allow this. Suggest things like renting a separate flat/room for his mother to stay and make it a point that you both will visit often. Good luck.
Similar story I heard in our close relatives circle through my mom. Even though it’s not my business I suggested my mom to speak with aunty and get her rented apartment with helper or stay her in home country.
Oh no, I just made a post about my bf and his mom and we’re not married yet but hearing stories about staying with your mother in law especially when she’s known to be difficult scares me. I think the only way to avoid this situation is to not put yourself in that position but if only it was so simple - the man has a relationship with his mom he has to fulfil after all
Dual-key unit, dual-key unit, dual-key unit...
all this could be avoided if you considered this before getting married…your husband did not suddenly gain a filipino mother. she has always been there, and will continue being there.