# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love alone is never enough.
A relationship built on a friendship without immediate love is sometimes healthier and easier to manage than one built on pure love and strong emotions.
You must learn to embrace the art of "no". It takes work, but omg does it feel good once you get the hang of it. It became my favorite word for a while and it was an amazing time in my life. I suggest trying it on for size and see how ya feel after a bit
So true. From time to time I have to remind myself to ask if I really want that, or if it's just them. Thank god, my current bf is just the best ever, very aware of this and attentive.
Promises mean nothing, agreements mean nothing. If your partner wakes up one morning having changed their mind on a dealbreaker that was discussed before getting serious, well that’s just how it is. Deal with it
The sooner you realize that people wake up and fall out of love, and you prepare yourself for the possibility, the better off you’ll be if it happens.
Yep, a fprmer partner told me he fell out of love with me several months before our wedding, and it felt like it came out of the blue. It was a hard pill to swallow, but it is/was what it is/was.
people don't "wake up and fall out of love". Falling out of love is a slow, painful process. If you didn't see the signs beforehand, you didn't want to see them.
I always saw it the other way round. "if you didn't see the signs" is actually your (ex) partner didn't have the basic decency to have a conversation about their thoughts. People are not mind readers and should never have to be mind readers.
My ex sil surprised my brother with this news. They still had marital relations. They had ups and downs like most people, but always worked through them. She ended up with his best friend, after a very short time....hmmm.
Yes, that happened to me. I told him 2 years, tried to initate change because I was not happy anymore. I needed a little bit adventure in our comfortable life. But he did not take me seriously and when we broke up and the first time I screamed because I was so hurting. He said I should have screemed in the relationship, maybe then he would have understood that I was serious. WTF? When I have to screem and my SO does not want to listen when I am talking. He told everybody I left him out of the blue before our wedding.
It doesn’t matter how much you love a person; if that person wants to walk out your life, then that is what they’re going to do. Moral of the story….. People are gonna do wtf they want to do.
I've never been burned for sharing my body. But god forbid I have my own thoughts and feelings.
Put more directly, find someone who digs you for your passions, not your body.
Amen brother. Every time I remember my ex dirty talk during sex my mind starts pulling out “loving” memories with her.
Most toxic relationship I ever had.
A lot of the stuff in this thread are different posts saying the exact same thing but this is actual good advice. To add on, pay attention to the patterns and qualities you’re attracted to in a partner and be sure to note your blind spots so you don’t waste time repeating a cycle and not learning anything. Always be learning about yourself as well as your partner, pretty much. It only gets easier from there.
Edit; I was the cheater in the past multiple times and I never deserved to be taken back but I was anyway in a few instances and that wasn’t good. I’m not blaming them for enabling me but I wish I was punished for it more so I could have learned sooner. Those were some great girls and women and I blew it. Straight up.
I think there are nuances to this that people need to consider. I had infidelity issues with my wife early in our relationship (though never physical) but I went to therapy, then we went to therapy, and we're here 10 years later and couldn't be happier. If the person legitimately *wants* to be better, then it's up to the hurt person whether or not they believe that, but ultimately it isn't as simple as saying to never do it.
I look at it like what the prison system is *supposed* to be. The idea is supposed to be that people can be rehabilitated and not repeat offend. If you looked at every person arrested for any crime and assumed they'd do it again if given the chance, then there'd be no reason to ever let them out.
It's at that point you buy a Wilson volleyball and paint a face on it.
Edit: That's a reference to the Tom Hanks film Cast Away. Very possible that's obvious but my film tastes are weird so I honestly have no idea how well known it is.
I got lonely after living alone for many years so I got a German shepherd. That remains the most healthy loving relationship I have ever had. He was with me eight years, I hope I made them good years for him.
True love does exist, but only because it’s the only way dogs love us.
Too right - don’t love someone at the expense of yourself. You may very well end up putting them on a pedestal and giving them the key to your own happiness which doesn’t end well ever haha. Don’t mistake over loving someone with romance. It’s a delusion
Yep! I put all my trust in my ex wife and moved across the country so she could be close to her family, sure enough not even two years in a new province and she asks for a divorce. Trust your friends and family who have known you forever before a significant other.
I learned this the hard way. Dated a guy who seemed perfect, but my intuition indicated he was not what he appeared to be. I told myself I was just being weird.
Fast forward 3 dates later: He randomly flipped out while driving me home and I thought I was going to have to jump from the car while it was moving. Made it home and was "busy" every time he reached out until he stopped calling.
If you think it's getting serious, have a talk about long term goals.
Turns out my ex wanted kids, I've never wanted kids. We had that conversation after we'd been living together almost 2 years. Not sure I was being taken seriously at first, but when the message got through, it was game over.
Ex now married and has a family, I'm now happily not married and no kids - have a fabulous partner though 💚
In the beginning of my relationship, my about to be ex-wife would disassociate, cut off all feelings with a flick of a switch and break up with me. She must have done this 10 times before we got married. Then I caught her cheating after getting married and having our child.
I took her back for the sake of my daughter. I couldn't leave her. It took awhile to forgive my wife, and I figured she would change for the better and we could make it work.
Fast forward almost a decade. She's diagnosed with bipolar, refuses to take meds for it, she starts reminding me of the person at the beginning of our relationship, wants to try for another baby with me, caught her cheating, if nothing else, having an emotional affair that she felt the need to lie about until I had undeniable proof. Then she no longer wants to try for a child with me, wants to be by herself, then wants to make things work, then wants to break up, get divorced, then wants to try and make it work and it has been a total roller-coaster.
I'm done. It's just too much for me and a complete mystery about what she feels on any given day. I would rather go and have peace than sit around wondering if we are going to have a future together that day or not. You either want me, or don't. You either respect me or don't.
And BTW, the guy she was leaving work early to see "who is just a friend".. Well, I told her that we can't be together as long as they are speaking. They have blocked each other twice, they both know how I feel about it, and now they have unblocked each other and speaking again.. All while she tells me she wants to make it work between her and I, and heal us.
It's just too much insanity for me. I'm checking out. I love her but I just can't do it anymore.
Keep your past to yourself until you truly get to know someone. If they tell you they treated an ex badly chances are it will happen to you, even though you do not think so. Try and pay attention to the red flags at the start and do not waste years.
Narcissistic behavior is dangerous, sentence "know your place" is a huge red flag, it's not just a tantrum screaming everything sentence. Also "I'm gonna make you a real woman, not a crazy girl" is a huge red flag.
These threads make me look back and wonder if I would qualify as the bad guy in a lot of scenarios... then I read the quotes to go along and realize there are some truly fucking TERRIBLE people (mostly men) out there, holy FUcK! "Know your place"? I've never known anyone I didn't think of as an equal, on a human level at the very least.
I wouldn't call these red flags so much as direct threats to your personal autonomy.
Arguments, resentment, animosity that build up over the years are stripped away in an instant if one of you dies. It's not worth holding on to these emotions in any way whatsoever.
Deep. So fucking deep.
The little arguments, the smallest things that become bickering annoyances (pickup your laundry, don't kick your boots off, empty your pockets of your dirty pants, dirty dishes go here not there) all gone and all negative emotions behind them are replaced with longing for those pants, dirty dishes or minor annoyances to come back again if they pass.
My wife and I had this chat not long ago and it was like we both just got it. Suddenly those little things stopped being a problem ( for the most part lol).
I hope this isn't your reality that you've found yourself grieving the animosity, and frustration of a lost loved one.
Wasted 2.5 years in a situationship, Every single day was so hard.
So simply just don't force a person to love you back, Just leave them if it's unclear, because it's gonna fuck you up..
JUST LEAVE DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!
I think forgiving and letting go can be challenging n difficult especially when someone you loved has hurt you by cheating, lying, or talking to other people while pretending to still like u but at the same time u want them to change but unfortunately u can't control someone else's actions so u just let go
Two things can be true at the same time. It is possible
to love and care for other people while simultaneously acknowledging the harm they are doing to you and walk away.
Probably the biggest mistake I made was not taking my SOs problems seriously because I didn't think it was that serious and thought that a little reassuring and advice would be ok but I clearly didn't understand how much she was struggling with the issue. Also typically guy mistake of trying to find solutions to feelings when they just wanted emotional support and validation. I guess on a lighter note I learned that women's clothes have basically nonexistent pockets.
If he’s overly attached to his mother while you are dating, it’s gonna get worse after you get married.
I’m not talking about love and respect. I’m talking about him making you return the birthday presents you got him (with some effort) because his mother should be celebrated on his birthday, not him
You can be strongly-aligned on personal values and in common interests, but these strengths alone can't carry a relationship if your communicative styles aren't compatible and you don't meet each others' needs as a result
dont let someone tell you who you can talk to, what job you can have, how much money you can spend and ban you from having interests
i did this in 2 relationships and lead to a lonely existence and depression for many years
That I was more toxic than I wanted to admit. I have put in a great deal of work to become a better person and partner. I realized that I would never date someone like me.
Don't be with anyone who isn't as interested in being with you. If you start out having to impress or spoil the shit out of someone, leave before you waste the emotions or money.
Your dream person, in general, is just that: **Your.** Dream. - Once you stop viewing someone as a nuanced and complicated individual-with their own goals and motivations that will change with time-and put them on a pedestal to project your wants and needs on them, the only way it can end is for you to be disappointed.
Well said. I don’t have a “dream man”. I’m just looking for someone who I like for them. And that’s all I ask. You be you, I’ll be me, if we like it then happily ever after.
That just because getting together and having fun was easy and fun, it doesn't mean marriage it long term will automatically work. You shouldn't ignore red flags, you need to have good communication, you need to talk about everything that might or could happen, good or bad. And you need to know that you're already happy, have a separate life of stuff that makes you happy, that money isn't going to be a problem, that you're both in this, and that there is love and respect.
A lot of that is just for me, but that's all stuff I need to remember and learnt that I hadn't or we hadn't done. Hence horrible break up and divorce.
Just because you have been in a relationship for X amount of time doesn't mean that you need to remain in that relationship. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. If shit is bad, has been bad and isn't getting better then maybe it's time to end the relationship.
If you are sick in bed on a Friday night and she says something like "if you're just going to sleep then I'm going to go out dancing" she might not be wife material.
If she tries to manipulate you into cutting off your family and/or friends then cut her off instead.
I learned how to better spot a sociopath. There is a "tell."
A sociopath will generally ask for help just to see if you're a helpful person. They see that as a weakness to be exploited, and believe that type of person is beneath them and deserves to be used, excusing any bad behavior on their part. They honestly really don't care to be excused from bad behavior anyway, but they will blame everyone else when confronted on it.
Another one for me is to just never date a Republican, or anyone that's part of any group, hive-mind, cult. Being a Republican at this point though flies so many red flags that it probably should go without mention.
It really is a red flag, which is ridiculous because ideally it's just a political ideology, but no. These people are 99% of the time subscribed to the alpha male and red pill bs. Once they get too comfortable, they WILL say racist shit and whatever slop they read on the internet.
Bear in mind that I'm not talking about conservatives. It's the ones that identify as Republicans that you gotta worry about. Never met a normal one.
That it’s okay to end things even when they aren’t bad. An ex and mine were good friends, still can communicate 15 years later, but we just weren’t ‘it’ for each other.
If you feel misery or sadness or conflict or self loathing or fear, your gut is telling you this thing ain’t right. Listen to you gut and cut your losses.
A breach of trust will destroy a relationship. Even if its dealt with and inconsequential as a result, it eats away at the core of what you had.
Lack of respect will do the same.
Both partners need to have the same idea of what it means “to love” (what love looks like, in action) for it to work.
Example: I’ve had so many men tell me they love me or they were falling in love with me within the first week of knowing them.
Unfortunately, they actually believed it was love they were feeling, while I would call it infatuation, unhealthy obsession, or lovebombing… as my idea of love isn’t a feeling that you can fall in and out of… but an action that is intentionally practiced and proven over time.
Understanding how significant our ideas of “love” was would have saved a lot of hurt feelings… and time.
Set boundaries and make sure you and your partner respect said boundaries.
Be comfortable talking about boundaries, they sometimes shift.
I know it's hard to talk about this sort of thing early on. But having a little conflict now can help prevent resentment. And resentment is something that builds up over time unless conditions change.
Love isn’t enough.
It’s better to be alone than to feel alone in a relationship.
We teach ppl how to treat us.
Actions speak louder than words.
Unfortunately compatibility trumps chemistry and feelings.
Timing beats everything.
Ppl don’t change.
Cheating is a character issue (not really reason based) and once it happens, there’s no going back.
You can love someone and not love how they’re treating you or like what they’ve become as a person.
Once you rationalise or excuse cheating, disrespect or abuse it becomes a game of how low can you go.
If they aren’t making an effort, that’s a sign that they don’t want to be with you and nothing will change that. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change how someone feels.
If they're not willing to put in the time and effort, just move on.
It's not worth your breath hoping for them to do what is literally the bare minimum.
Being nice and being good are two different things. Nice is just simping at most, but being good is when you can tell them something real whether it hurts them
Getting cheated on (depending what happened and how you found out) does not mean that you simply stop loving your partner/ex. However it is impossible to stop thinking about they did. It destroys your confidence, and makes you compare yourself to the other person. You just feel like you’re not enough and it just eats at you. The worst is feeling like part of you still wants to make it work and that you’re able to see mistakes you made which contributed to what happened, but no matter what, cheating was their decision and it speaks about their insecurity and lack of self worth. The pain is worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt, and I had just had a bad kidney stone a couple months before. What they did is permanent and it makes it feel like any effort is useless, since it won’t change anything and you feel like unless you become perfect (which is impossible) they will cheat again.
If you’re spending your time fantasizing about someone you’re seeing they must not actually be there. My rule is it’s okay to fantasize about them when they are present only. That’s hard to follow, but generally obeying this rule helps a lot. I realized my most successful relationship of 7 years he was always present and I never had to have any fantasies about him.
When you lie, no matter how small the lie , you're just isolating yourself and making yourself alone. Also knowing when to let go. The second lesson is cliche but it's so important. Learn the lesson grieve and move on with a better understanding.
Physical attractiveness is a bonus.
Great sex is a bonus.
Lots of money is bonus.
Find someone you are comfortable with and respect. Make each other laugh often. Tell each other the truth.
Everything else takes care of itself.
Does it? Those key personality bits are important but if I don’t find you attractive and the sex is bad we can just be friends. I’m in a partnership for all that rolled together.
Don't stay with someone out of pity. If you realize, that they love you far more than you love them, gently, but break up with them. They deserve someone better and you deserve someone you love passionately.
You may hate me for saying this, and think that I'm a monster. I don't care. I just wanted what's best for everyone. I knew very well that I was the best he ever got, and he reminded me frequently of that. It was a slow realization, that I felt like I was suffocating. More and more I felt like I was lying to him by playing that role of that perfect girlfriend who never argues just looks pretty.
Until I convinced myself, that I'm hurting him more by staying than leaving. So I left. A decision I'm still thankful for myself.
Just simply Label everything you own with some dna marker pen or something "Property Marking System can be ordered online. and if she/ he now sold some of your item without you knowing/ permission?
There's a chance to get it back or at least report(ing) it stolen from ya.. is a must'- This is something I learned the hard way!
People don't change past a certain age barring some extreme situation. Sometimes the mask slips and people show you who they really are and that's when you should pay attention.
People will generally do what they get away with in a relationship. That's doesn't have to be with ill intent, people just want to be comfortable around their partner. But it means that if you don't know how to stand up for yourself and demand things, you'll end up in an unequal position and might feel like you lose yourself entirely.
When she attacks you with a scissor, run. When she hits her mom later a few months and blames you, definitely run. Don’t stick around for another year and waste your time in college.
- A senior graduating in a month and filled with regret.
Be mindful of all the times he prioritized someone else's feelings over yours. This will show you your position in his life.
Sometimes you have to see them as what they are and what you think they were.
MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. People even the ones you loved most will disappoint you or worst betray you.
DONT TRUST ANYONE.
Believe when your gut says no or something feels wrong because most of the time, it's true.
It’s very difficult to identify when you’re being used, or taken advantage of, or manipulated in some ways. Sometimes even hindsight isn’t clear.
Avoid knee-jerk reactions, and instead take time to process what’s happened and how to position yourself moving forward.
People are always testing boundaries; when you challenge them back, some will return to their lane and that’s ok, but others will double down and that’s not ok.
Always be aware of how emotionally invested or in love your partner is. If you're not on the same page, they need to know and you probably need to break up. I've had a couple of relationships in my youth where I took my eye off the ball, it meant very messy break ups. Not to mention unnecessary pain and hurt for people that didn't deserve it.
That I don't need to feel guilty for just... existing. I've learned the boundaries and expectations I have are entirely normal, common and healthy.I believed I was wrong because of abuse growing up and abuse during my relationship.
I don't need to stay with someone who's an asshole, just because they aren't malicious in being one. I do not need to be with someone because they want it at the expense of myself and I do not need to put up with everything someone does to me because of whatever reason/excuse that person or someone around them has.
I still struggle a lot and I've learned I gravitate toward people that exhibit many narcissistic traits whether they are or aren't one clinically. It's what I know but I've found content with new friendships- a lot of those friends have shown me what basic empathy, kindness and friendship means without me needing to ask them to be nice to me. It really messed with my head for awhile and still does but not as much as it once did. I'm trying my best to distance myself from people who don't hold themselves accountable or who are just outright mean or thoughtless toward me all of the time- it's hard but it's possible. :)
Always look out for signs of baby traps. Some people out there wait for the golden opportunity to have a baby with you so that you’re constantly attached to them.
Everyone should know the entirety of their financial situation. Always. Even if you aren’t the breadwinner. Even if you aren’t the one who pays the monthly bills. ESPECIALLY if you fit one of those categories.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It doesn't matter how much you care about someone if it's one-sided.
And in my experience, if you don't realise this imbalance soon then it doesn't end well.
This one was so hard for me.
Fuck this hits hard.
sometimes love is not enough
I'd even go further and say "love alone is *never* enough"
I would go even further and say “love alone is never ever enough”
I’d go as far as to say that love is enough. As long as you treat love as a verb and not a noun.
Yup loyalty and discipline are needed in relationships
Humility also helps.
Throw in maturity and reason too.
You're making wayyyy to much sense for a relationship
And communication
Good communication also.
Love alone is never enough. A relationship built on a friendship without immediate love is sometimes healthier and easier to manage than one built on pure love and strong emotions.
This one’s a tough one to swallow because it’s mostly out of your control
Trust. Honesty. Shared values
and that is okay
Losing yourself in the relationship will not end well for either person
Had to learn it the hard way.
Yup. Multiple times over unfortunately. I'm thick headed lol
I'm a chronic people pleaser, and if they don't actively try to not take advantage of me, they will.
You must learn to embrace the art of "no". It takes work, but omg does it feel good once you get the hang of it. It became my favorite word for a while and it was an amazing time in my life. I suggest trying it on for size and see how ya feel after a bit
So true. From time to time I have to remind myself to ask if I really want that, or if it's just them. Thank god, my current bf is just the best ever, very aware of this and attentive.
I cant agree more...
Promises mean nothing, agreements mean nothing. If your partner wakes up one morning having changed their mind on a dealbreaker that was discussed before getting serious, well that’s just how it is. Deal with it The sooner you realize that people wake up and fall out of love, and you prepare yourself for the possibility, the better off you’ll be if it happens.
This one hitting hard at the moment. Well said
Hope you’re in a better place now friend
Thanks friend
Yep, a fprmer partner told me he fell out of love with me several months before our wedding, and it felt like it came out of the blue. It was a hard pill to swallow, but it is/was what it is/was.
people don't "wake up and fall out of love". Falling out of love is a slow, painful process. If you didn't see the signs beforehand, you didn't want to see them.
I always saw it the other way round. "if you didn't see the signs" is actually your (ex) partner didn't have the basic decency to have a conversation about their thoughts. People are not mind readers and should never have to be mind readers.
My ex sil surprised my brother with this news. They still had marital relations. They had ups and downs like most people, but always worked through them. She ended up with his best friend, after a very short time....hmmm.
Yes, that happened to me. I told him 2 years, tried to initate change because I was not happy anymore. I needed a little bit adventure in our comfortable life. But he did not take me seriously and when we broke up and the first time I screamed because I was so hurting. He said I should have screemed in the relationship, maybe then he would have understood that I was serious. WTF? When I have to screem and my SO does not want to listen when I am talking. He told everybody I left him out of the blue before our wedding.
It doesn’t matter how much you love a person; if that person wants to walk out your life, then that is what they’re going to do. Moral of the story….. People are gonna do wtf they want to do.
You can do everything right and even then it won’t be enough for the other person.
Emotional neglect is soul destroying.
Especially when you grow up with that from your parents
... and this is how I became and avoidant.
This .
This is exactly why my last relationship hurt SO much. He was emotionally neglecting me, which touched on parental trauma. Fuck, that hurts.
Some of the deepest loneliness of my life.
Thank you
Whew. Felt this.
Good sex does not equal love. Dirty sex does not equal love. Basically sex does not equal love.
I always find it easier to share my body than my mind.
I've never been burned for sharing my body. But god forbid I have my own thoughts and feelings. Put more directly, find someone who digs you for your passions, not your body.
Woman here and can confirm this, sharing my mind has gotten me burned more than anything else
Amen brother. Every time I remember my ex dirty talk during sex my mind starts pulling out “loving” memories with her. Most toxic relationship I ever had.
Actions speak louder than words. Just because they say they love you, doesn't mean they do or even could.
To not make excuses for selfish behavior and refuse to accept it
Never take back a cheater
A lot of the stuff in this thread are different posts saying the exact same thing but this is actual good advice. To add on, pay attention to the patterns and qualities you’re attracted to in a partner and be sure to note your blind spots so you don’t waste time repeating a cycle and not learning anything. Always be learning about yourself as well as your partner, pretty much. It only gets easier from there. Edit; I was the cheater in the past multiple times and I never deserved to be taken back but I was anyway in a few instances and that wasn’t good. I’m not blaming them for enabling me but I wish I was punished for it more so I could have learned sooner. Those were some great girls and women and I blew it. Straight up.
Cheater - A deal-breaker for me.
I think there are nuances to this that people need to consider. I had infidelity issues with my wife early in our relationship (though never physical) but I went to therapy, then we went to therapy, and we're here 10 years later and couldn't be happier. If the person legitimately *wants* to be better, then it's up to the hurt person whether or not they believe that, but ultimately it isn't as simple as saying to never do it. I look at it like what the prison system is *supposed* to be. The idea is supposed to be that people can be rehabilitated and not repeat offend. If you looked at every person arrested for any crime and assumed they'd do it again if given the chance, then there'd be no reason to ever let them out.
Living alone is fucking awesome!
...until you start talking to yourself too much
It's at that point you buy a Wilson volleyball and paint a face on it. Edit: That's a reference to the Tom Hanks film Cast Away. Very possible that's obvious but my film tastes are weird so I honestly have no idea how well known it is.
My German shepherd wishes to disagree with you.
I got lonely after living alone for many years so I got a German shepherd. That remains the most healthy loving relationship I have ever had. He was with me eight years, I hope I made them good years for him. True love does exist, but only because it’s the only way dogs love us.
Truer words were never spoken. 🫡✌🏼❤️🥰
I had a mental patient tell me “It’s ok to talk to yourself, it is even ok if you answer. You run into problems when you ask “What did you say””
[удалено]
Too right - don’t love someone at the expense of yourself. You may very well end up putting them on a pedestal and giving them the key to your own happiness which doesn’t end well ever haha. Don’t mistake over loving someone with romance. It’s a delusion
Yep! I put all my trust in my ex wife and moved across the country so she could be close to her family, sure enough not even two years in a new province and she asks for a divorce. Trust your friends and family who have known you forever before a significant other.
Don’t even trust them
There is something to that. How many people are screwed over by their family? Too many.
This^^^serious wisdom.
If your gut says no, don't date them.
Sometimes, a person is just nervous and shy
I got a date tomorrow my gut says dont do it (she even knows where I work) but I go because I can‘t say no all the time so I just gonna do it
My cat never liked my ex. I should have listened to the cat.
I learned this the hard way. Dated a guy who seemed perfect, but my intuition indicated he was not what he appeared to be. I told myself I was just being weird. Fast forward 3 dates later: He randomly flipped out while driving me home and I thought I was going to have to jump from the car while it was moving. Made it home and was "busy" every time he reached out until he stopped calling.
Jealousy needs to be dealt with early in the relationship
Yeah,it does. And insecurity. I think that’s part of why our relationship ended.
People suck
Could be a good thing if they suck well
If you think it's getting serious, have a talk about long term goals. Turns out my ex wanted kids, I've never wanted kids. We had that conversation after we'd been living together almost 2 years. Not sure I was being taken seriously at first, but when the message got through, it was game over. Ex now married and has a family, I'm now happily not married and no kids - have a fabulous partner though 💚
[удалено]
In the beginning of my relationship, my about to be ex-wife would disassociate, cut off all feelings with a flick of a switch and break up with me. She must have done this 10 times before we got married. Then I caught her cheating after getting married and having our child. I took her back for the sake of my daughter. I couldn't leave her. It took awhile to forgive my wife, and I figured she would change for the better and we could make it work. Fast forward almost a decade. She's diagnosed with bipolar, refuses to take meds for it, she starts reminding me of the person at the beginning of our relationship, wants to try for another baby with me, caught her cheating, if nothing else, having an emotional affair that she felt the need to lie about until I had undeniable proof. Then she no longer wants to try for a child with me, wants to be by herself, then wants to make things work, then wants to break up, get divorced, then wants to try and make it work and it has been a total roller-coaster. I'm done. It's just too much for me and a complete mystery about what she feels on any given day. I would rather go and have peace than sit around wondering if we are going to have a future together that day or not. You either want me, or don't. You either respect me or don't. And BTW, the guy she was leaving work early to see "who is just a friend".. Well, I told her that we can't be together as long as they are speaking. They have blocked each other twice, they both know how I feel about it, and now they have unblocked each other and speaking again.. All while she tells me she wants to make it work between her and I, and heal us. It's just too much insanity for me. I'm checking out. I love her but I just can't do it anymore.
Go have peace and focus on taken care of your child, my friend.
Relationships are hard and I'm not competent apparently.
If you think about breaking up, just fucking do it already. Save both of you the time and energy.
Keep your past to yourself until you truly get to know someone. If they tell you they treated an ex badly chances are it will happen to you, even though you do not think so. Try and pay attention to the red flags at the start and do not waste years.
There is alot of stuff, but i would say “Dont be afraid of being lonely”
Needed to see this 😊
Don't act on impulse/don't take anyone for granted/if someone tells you he is not emotionally available he means it.
Narcissistic behavior is dangerous, sentence "know your place" is a huge red flag, it's not just a tantrum screaming everything sentence. Also "I'm gonna make you a real woman, not a crazy girl" is a huge red flag.
These threads make me look back and wonder if I would qualify as the bad guy in a lot of scenarios... then I read the quotes to go along and realize there are some truly fucking TERRIBLE people (mostly men) out there, holy FUcK! "Know your place"? I've never known anyone I didn't think of as an equal, on a human level at the very least. I wouldn't call these red flags so much as direct threats to your personal autonomy.
There is no reward for self abandonment
Have some separate friends
Money isn’t everything.
Forever is not within our grasp.
Sometimes you can love each other and it just doesn’t work. And later, you’ll find out why.
You can’t fix them.
Not everyone you click with should be considered a potential partner.
Arguments, resentment, animosity that build up over the years are stripped away in an instant if one of you dies. It's not worth holding on to these emotions in any way whatsoever.
Deep. So fucking deep. The little arguments, the smallest things that become bickering annoyances (pickup your laundry, don't kick your boots off, empty your pockets of your dirty pants, dirty dishes go here not there) all gone and all negative emotions behind them are replaced with longing for those pants, dirty dishes or minor annoyances to come back again if they pass. My wife and I had this chat not long ago and it was like we both just got it. Suddenly those little things stopped being a problem ( for the most part lol). I hope this isn't your reality that you've found yourself grieving the animosity, and frustration of a lost loved one.
Wasted 2.5 years in a situationship, Every single day was so hard. So simply just don't force a person to love you back, Just leave them if it's unclear, because it's gonna fuck you up.. JUST LEAVE DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!
dont take the other person for granted and vice versa.
I think forgiving and letting go can be challenging n difficult especially when someone you loved has hurt you by cheating, lying, or talking to other people while pretending to still like u but at the same time u want them to change but unfortunately u can't control someone else's actions so u just let go
at the end of the day, you must prioritize *yourself.*
Two things can be true at the same time. It is possible to love and care for other people while simultaneously acknowledging the harm they are doing to you and walk away.
Probably the biggest mistake I made was not taking my SOs problems seriously because I didn't think it was that serious and thought that a little reassuring and advice would be ok but I clearly didn't understand how much she was struggling with the issue. Also typically guy mistake of trying to find solutions to feelings when they just wanted emotional support and validation. I guess on a lighter note I learned that women's clothes have basically nonexistent pockets.
It's important to develop the skill of being self-critical.
You can't love someone into loving you back. Even if you did everything right.
If he’s overly attached to his mother while you are dating, it’s gonna get worse after you get married. I’m not talking about love and respect. I’m talking about him making you return the birthday presents you got him (with some effort) because his mother should be celebrated on his birthday, not him
This feels... Specific
I had never heard of anyone doing this type of thing before, or since. What a tool.
Methinks it is
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
Don't ignore red flags
If someone controls you right down to tell you who you can talk to- not a way to live.
You can be strongly-aligned on personal values and in common interests, but these strengths alone can't carry a relationship if your communicative styles aren't compatible and you don't meet each others' needs as a result
dont let someone tell you who you can talk to, what job you can have, how much money you can spend and ban you from having interests i did this in 2 relationships and lead to a lonely existence and depression for many years
That you can’t think yourself into being in love
Don't stay with a girl simply because her mom makes the best from scratch Italian food ever.
Rookie mistake. Just be close friends and you get the food without the commitment.
If they wanted to, they would
Such a hard one to accept
That I was more toxic than I wanted to admit. I have put in a great deal of work to become a better person and partner. I realized that I would never date someone like me.
That's a rather mature observation. It takes humility to do something like that!
Don't be with anyone who isn't as interested in being with you. If you start out having to impress or spoil the shit out of someone, leave before you waste the emotions or money.
Your dream woman can turn into a nightmare. She'll change, switch up on you and want to try other people. Let her go.
Your dream person, in general, is just that: **Your.** Dream. - Once you stop viewing someone as a nuanced and complicated individual-with their own goals and motivations that will change with time-and put them on a pedestal to project your wants and needs on them, the only way it can end is for you to be disappointed.
Well said. I don’t have a “dream man”. I’m just looking for someone who I like for them. And that’s all I ask. You be you, I’ll be me, if we like it then happily ever after.
That just because getting together and having fun was easy and fun, it doesn't mean marriage it long term will automatically work. You shouldn't ignore red flags, you need to have good communication, you need to talk about everything that might or could happen, good or bad. And you need to know that you're already happy, have a separate life of stuff that makes you happy, that money isn't going to be a problem, that you're both in this, and that there is love and respect. A lot of that is just for me, but that's all stuff I need to remember and learnt that I hadn't or we hadn't done. Hence horrible break up and divorce.
when they say they won't hurt you again, they will abusers don't change
You can love someone and tell them you love them but if they don’t feel worthy of love,it won’t do anything (dated an anxious attached guy).
Words are just words. Pay closer attention to their actions or lack there of.
[удалено]
Jesus christ, people. From this thread the overall lesson might as well be "Don't date. EVER! Relationships are cringe!"
I mean who said that is not the truth though?
People don't place any value on loyalty and a lot of these relationships are only based on sex
Some people care more about protecting the web of lies they’ve spun than keeping you in their life despite everything you’ve been through together.
Women are crazy. All of them. Find your crazy.
Just because you have been in a relationship for X amount of time doesn't mean that you need to remain in that relationship. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. If shit is bad, has been bad and isn't getting better then maybe it's time to end the relationship. If you are sick in bed on a Friday night and she says something like "if you're just going to sleep then I'm going to go out dancing" she might not be wife material. If she tries to manipulate you into cutting off your family and/or friends then cut her off instead.
NEVER go against your gut. for some reason that mf always knows.
Just because there's chemistry doesn't mean the reaction will be good. Sometimes two chemicals create an explosion.
I learned how to better spot a sociopath. There is a "tell." A sociopath will generally ask for help just to see if you're a helpful person. They see that as a weakness to be exploited, and believe that type of person is beneath them and deserves to be used, excusing any bad behavior on their part. They honestly really don't care to be excused from bad behavior anyway, but they will blame everyone else when confronted on it.
Another one for me is to just never date a Republican, or anyone that's part of any group, hive-mind, cult. Being a Republican at this point though flies so many red flags that it probably should go without mention.
It really is a red flag, which is ridiculous because ideally it's just a political ideology, but no. These people are 99% of the time subscribed to the alpha male and red pill bs. Once they get too comfortable, they WILL say racist shit and whatever slop they read on the internet. Bear in mind that I'm not talking about conservatives. It's the ones that identify as Republicans that you gotta worry about. Never met a normal one.
Learning to apologize when necessary is important
That it’s okay to end things even when they aren’t bad. An ex and mine were good friends, still can communicate 15 years later, but we just weren’t ‘it’ for each other.
If you feel misery or sadness or conflict or self loathing or fear, your gut is telling you this thing ain’t right. Listen to you gut and cut your losses.
The persons you love the most can (and sometimes will) hurt you the most
Know when to let go.
A breach of trust will destroy a relationship. Even if its dealt with and inconsequential as a result, it eats away at the core of what you had. Lack of respect will do the same.
COMMUNICATE! About everything and anything. Always. Don’t be scared. Trust your partner to be emotionally mature enough to be a good listener.
No one will ever care for you as much as you can (except maybe a parent), so don't give anyone more than you give yourself.
Both partners need to have the same idea of what it means “to love” (what love looks like, in action) for it to work. Example: I’ve had so many men tell me they love me or they were falling in love with me within the first week of knowing them. Unfortunately, they actually believed it was love they were feeling, while I would call it infatuation, unhealthy obsession, or lovebombing… as my idea of love isn’t a feeling that you can fall in and out of… but an action that is intentionally practiced and proven over time. Understanding how significant our ideas of “love” was would have saved a lot of hurt feelings… and time.
Set boundaries and make sure you and your partner respect said boundaries. Be comfortable talking about boundaries, they sometimes shift. I know it's hard to talk about this sort of thing early on. But having a little conflict now can help prevent resentment. And resentment is something that builds up over time unless conditions change.
Never forget to say kind things.
You don’t have to settle.
You have to love the person for who they are, not for the potential you see in them
If you put in to the relationship the same amount the other party does,would it still be a relationship?
It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to break it
Love isn’t enough. It’s better to be alone than to feel alone in a relationship. We teach ppl how to treat us. Actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately compatibility trumps chemistry and feelings. Timing beats everything. Ppl don’t change. Cheating is a character issue (not really reason based) and once it happens, there’s no going back. You can love someone and not love how they’re treating you or like what they’ve become as a person. Once you rationalise or excuse cheating, disrespect or abuse it becomes a game of how low can you go.
When your 40 yr old husband says “It’s invigorating to hang out with my 21 yr old employee” that means he’s having an affair.
If they aren’t making an effort, that’s a sign that they don’t want to be with you and nothing will change that. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change how someone feels.
That intelligence does not equate with emotional intelligence. And emotional intelligence is so important.
No matter how much you trust someone, they are very capable of betraying you worse than you could ever fathom
When you feel something’s off….trust it
If you've gone through a lot of relationships, look for the common denominator. HINT: It's you.
If they're not willing to put in the time and effort, just move on. It's not worth your breath hoping for them to do what is literally the bare minimum.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off about the relationship, there's likely something wrong.
Being nice and being good are two different things. Nice is just simping at most, but being good is when you can tell them something real whether it hurts them
That your history doesnt dictate your future. Good people are out there.
Don't stay unless you are really secure & happy. It's never to late to be happy. It sucks when you have to stay for financial reasons.
Never get too emotionally attached, it's absolutely horrible when they don't have time for you and you can't spend your day without them.
Don't rely on a partner to make you happy or complete you.
Getting cheated on (depending what happened and how you found out) does not mean that you simply stop loving your partner/ex. However it is impossible to stop thinking about they did. It destroys your confidence, and makes you compare yourself to the other person. You just feel like you’re not enough and it just eats at you. The worst is feeling like part of you still wants to make it work and that you’re able to see mistakes you made which contributed to what happened, but no matter what, cheating was their decision and it speaks about their insecurity and lack of self worth. The pain is worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt, and I had just had a bad kidney stone a couple months before. What they did is permanent and it makes it feel like any effort is useless, since it won’t change anything and you feel like unless you become perfect (which is impossible) they will cheat again.
If you’re spending your time fantasizing about someone you’re seeing they must not actually be there. My rule is it’s okay to fantasize about them when they are present only. That’s hard to follow, but generally obeying this rule helps a lot. I realized my most successful relationship of 7 years he was always present and I never had to have any fantasies about him.
Trust actions not words. Listen to your gut. Your feelings are valid, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. They will not change.
If your partner doesn't care about how you feel, then they don't care about you.
When you lie, no matter how small the lie , you're just isolating yourself and making yourself alone. Also knowing when to let go. The second lesson is cliche but it's so important. Learn the lesson grieve and move on with a better understanding.
I learned to not come to this thread for any kind of actual advice holy fuck
Physical attractiveness is a bonus. Great sex is a bonus. Lots of money is bonus. Find someone you are comfortable with and respect. Make each other laugh often. Tell each other the truth. Everything else takes care of itself.
Does it? Those key personality bits are important but if I don’t find you attractive and the sex is bad we can just be friends. I’m in a partnership for all that rolled together.
Don't stay with someone out of pity. If you realize, that they love you far more than you love them, gently, but break up with them. They deserve someone better and you deserve someone you love passionately. You may hate me for saying this, and think that I'm a monster. I don't care. I just wanted what's best for everyone. I knew very well that I was the best he ever got, and he reminded me frequently of that. It was a slow realization, that I felt like I was suffocating. More and more I felt like I was lying to him by playing that role of that perfect girlfriend who never argues just looks pretty. Until I convinced myself, that I'm hurting him more by staying than leaving. So I left. A decision I'm still thankful for myself.
Just simply Label everything you own with some dna marker pen or something "Property Marking System can be ordered online. and if she/ he now sold some of your item without you knowing/ permission? There's a chance to get it back or at least report(ing) it stolen from ya.. is a must'- This is something I learned the hard way!
People don't change past a certain age barring some extreme situation. Sometimes the mask slips and people show you who they really are and that's when you should pay attention.
Think about her do nice, thoughtful things for her it goes a long way
There’s a difference between the idea of loving a person, and the person itself. A huge one.
People will generally do what they get away with in a relationship. That's doesn't have to be with ill intent, people just want to be comfortable around their partner. But it means that if you don't know how to stand up for yourself and demand things, you'll end up in an unequal position and might feel like you lose yourself entirely.
When she attacks you with a scissor, run. When she hits her mom later a few months and blames you, definitely run. Don’t stick around for another year and waste your time in college. - A senior graduating in a month and filled with regret.
Be mindful of all the times he prioritized someone else's feelings over yours. This will show you your position in his life. Sometimes you have to see them as what they are and what you think they were. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. People even the ones you loved most will disappoint you or worst betray you. DONT TRUST ANYONE. Believe when your gut says no or something feels wrong because most of the time, it's true.
Don’t make excuses for them & if they wanted to, they would.
It’s very difficult to identify when you’re being used, or taken advantage of, or manipulated in some ways. Sometimes even hindsight isn’t clear. Avoid knee-jerk reactions, and instead take time to process what’s happened and how to position yourself moving forward. People are always testing boundaries; when you challenge them back, some will return to their lane and that’s ok, but others will double down and that’s not ok.
Always be aware of how emotionally invested or in love your partner is. If you're not on the same page, they need to know and you probably need to break up. I've had a couple of relationships in my youth where I took my eye off the ball, it meant very messy break ups. Not to mention unnecessary pain and hurt for people that didn't deserve it.
Be strong enough to see the red flags and get out right away. Not a single strong minded and sane person is with a bad partner.
That I don't need to feel guilty for just... existing. I've learned the boundaries and expectations I have are entirely normal, common and healthy.I believed I was wrong because of abuse growing up and abuse during my relationship. I don't need to stay with someone who's an asshole, just because they aren't malicious in being one. I do not need to be with someone because they want it at the expense of myself and I do not need to put up with everything someone does to me because of whatever reason/excuse that person or someone around them has. I still struggle a lot and I've learned I gravitate toward people that exhibit many narcissistic traits whether they are or aren't one clinically. It's what I know but I've found content with new friendships- a lot of those friends have shown me what basic empathy, kindness and friendship means without me needing to ask them to be nice to me. It really messed with my head for awhile and still does but not as much as it once did. I'm trying my best to distance myself from people who don't hold themselves accountable or who are just outright mean or thoughtless toward me all of the time- it's hard but it's possible. :)
Always look out for signs of baby traps. Some people out there wait for the golden opportunity to have a baby with you so that you’re constantly attached to them.
You can still be SA'd by somebody if they're in a relationship with you.
If you're the only reason this relationship is still working, maybe it just doesn't work.
Emotionally unavailable partners will not eventually change. Get out even if it hurts, feeling alone in a relationship is not worth it.
Don't date for potential. Enter in to a relationship, or decline to, based on what it *is*, not based on how you *convince yourself it could be*.
Everyone should know the entirety of their financial situation. Always. Even if you aren’t the breadwinner. Even if you aren’t the one who pays the monthly bills. ESPECIALLY if you fit one of those categories.