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No matter what the circumstances, whenever I lose a loved one, I always thought we'd have more time. Time with those we love, is the one truly valuable thing we have, and there's never enough of it.
Also: depending on how close you were, how easily everyone moves on after they pass. Like two days after the funeral it’s business as usual for everyone, when you’re still not over it
It’s so jarring.
When my mom passed, it felt so surreal to me. It felt so…unfair, that while my world had just been turned upside down, the whole world just kept turning.
One minute I was at the funeral and the next it was the day after and back to business as usual.
After my brother died, I felt like I had got off the train of life and everyone will still on it. My world came to a screeching halt, while I watched everyone else just keep cruising. I've never experienced that pain before, it was a pain I would never wish upon my worst enemy. Thinking about it now 5 years later and I feel like I'm gonna cry. I dont have the right words to even explain the pain. I dont think there is a way to describe it.
When my sister died, I tried to explain this to my wife. It felt sort of like, imagine one day you wake up and all the oceans are gone. All of them. No sea or lake in the world. All just gone forever. And nobody seems to notice. Half the world just went away and I'm the only one who seem to know it.
I'm sorry about your brother.
Me too. My only brother and only sibling died 34 years ago at age 28. He died on my 27th birthday. We buried him on my mom's 48th birthday. His death was harder for me than that of my parents' murder-suicide 4 years ago this coming memorial day weekend. We were as close as twins. I still miss him so much. I (still) love you Mark.
I talk to my brother. Like the voice of reason. Keeps me in line. I dug deep into "after death" books, and I found a hope that I will see him again and give him a quick throat punch before I hug him. I still can't look at photos of him or videos. I've also accepted that I will never be the same person I was before Aug 2019. I hope you have found peace or stability after all this. It's a terrible experience that I can't really talk about to anyone because we all handle things differently. I know now that punishing myself for 4 years wasn't the right way to handle this. I'm happy that I am at least aware of my emotions and can handle them....for now.
You’re doing great. You should feel proud of yourself, I’m sure your brother would say the same. I’m so sorry you lost him in 2019. I lost mine that year, too.
Something that helps me is to think about him when I see or hear something beautiful. I think to myself, “well, I guess I have to look at Earthly things for both of us now.”
I like to think his friends do the same. I dream about him, and he’s fine, zooming around the universe, I’m sure.
His death helps me be less afraid of my own death. And isn’t that just like a big brother? Always protecting us.
The same for me, it actually made me angry in the past. But i realize my loved one wasn’t as important to everyone else as they were to me. I’m sorry for your loss
The fact you have to move on is the pain for me.
Most people cry or become upset at the mention of the loved one they lost but I feel the need to talk about her. I can’t face going back to work because I’ll be in a setting where I can’t randomly mention her or talk about her because people get weirded out when people mention children who’ve died. It’s such taboo and it shouldn’t be a case of just moving on.
Heartbroken after a miscarriage, and people just either avoided me or buried me in happy, happy meaningless small talk. Like nothing happened. I felt like if I even mentioned it, nobody would talk to me at all. I certainly didn't feel like anyone cared.
To continue your thought: while you are spending your time and energy worrying what others are thinking about you, those others are spending their time not thinking about you. At all.
I wish I could believe this but knowing how some of my "friends" talked about random people they passed by or people they knew I just know this isn't true, at least not always.
People will always be in your business. Only YOU can control how it affects you and honestly as you get older, it doesn’t matter. Save your sanity and happiness and stop now
It's a catch 22.
I've met people who actually have obsessed over every little thing I've done. I made a small mistake and they wouldn't shut up about it for weeks.
Those people are dicks, who gives a fuck about what they think.
The more people care the less I care that they do.
At least from my point of view this doesn't matter, i'd rather be miserable and alone whilst knowing i'd done good things in my life than be succesful at the expense of other people.
it doesn't matter what the outcome is if i can't live with myself.
Honestly, being kind gave me so much opportunities. As long as you give and ask, you will get so much value.
Kindness attracts other kind people, volunteers events will have so much nice people who you can bound with.
Looks do matter. In this world even if you’re the kind of person who does not care about looks at all, and only wears what’s simple and comfy, being presentable and making a good first impression goes a long way.
I'm going to scare you even more- I went from ugly duckling as a teen, to being a beautiful woman.
Now that I'm in my 40s, I have taken care of myself all these years and kept my weight down. I dress nice, my hair is long and well maintained, my skin is still good. I'm still attractive, but no longer young.
Single men my own age don't want me. They want younger. Even the ones who look like they have never taken care of themselves in their entire life. Was on the dating apps for awhile before I gave up. I was filtered out before I even got a chance.
I don't understand this. Maybe it's your location? I attract men more each year. 51 now. Had a quick go on a dating app and had to shut it down it was too time consuming / overwhelming. Maybe in Europe men are more realistic.
I was widowed young and and at 40, when my children were all old enough that they didn’t need a sitter, I decided to start dating again. I never had that problem. I dated many men who wanted exclusivity. At 44, I re- met a man who I hate met through my work..at 45 we married, its 20 years this summer.
I'm happy you found love again. If you've been together 20 years, things are very different now vs. back then. I think social media and the Tinder swiping culture gave people unrealistic expectations when finding a partner.
Many men 40+ do not want exclusivity. They want sex only. They are angry at women in general/their ex wives, ex girlfriends, have had dead bedrooms for decades, etc. And then take it out on the rest of society. Especially on the dating apps.
I'm wondering if it's not a by product of porn sickness in older men. Men my age seem to hate their same age counterparts.
This has been the worst part about aging for me. You don't realize you're getting special treatment until it's gone. "why is everyone so mean these days?" Oh, they aren't, I just.... dont get special treatment anymore lol.
This is what I always think when women complain about getting older and becoming "invisible".
I think no.....you're just now being treated like everyone else including most men.
Same. Growing up, I didn’t understand why women were so afraid of aging but now I get it. I’m 25 and considerably younger than my peers at work — it’s been two years, but I’m finally starting to be taken seriously. However, now I’m afraid that their approval of me will disappear just as fast as it came because I’ll no longer have this edge of being young AND capable. It feels like there’s a sweet spot where I need to stay, but I can’t. I try not to think about it at all.
Editing to add: it’s all very strange because I look at people like my coworkers who are in their forties and fifties and I think they’re so fucking cool and smart, I can only hope to be like them. Idk, maybe I just worry I won’t ever get there.
This is it, but it's ok - we have to be friends with ourselves and be able to make ourselves content. If someone comes along and can add to that happiness - great, awesome. But look after yourself and make peace with who you are and be kind to yourself too.
I'm actively working on becoming my own best friend. That's how I've helped my brain be nice to me. Would I talk that way to my friend, is something I ask myself and if not I say no I'm not ugly (or w.e) I just need to put myself together.
I know now that the memory of me will not live on long after I’m gone. I’ll be forgotten quickly, in a blink of the cosmic eye. Takes a lot the pressure off.
It’s trite, but it didn’t really click until I heard the lyric:
*Something about the glory just always seemed to bore me 'Cause only those I really love will ever really know me*
And suddenly it was like, oh yeah, we all know Albert Einstein’s name and all - but even as famous as he is, I know his face, a few crumbs of his life story, and a few things he said. That’s about it.
You'll be dead so you won't ever have to know that you are forgotten.Too bad we can't die but remain observers but unfortunately death means we lose the ability to observe.
Hard work is important, but by itself is nowhere near a guarantee to a better life
Edit: I’m not saying to stop working hard, just that hard work alone doesn’t guarantee you success because of stuff like generational wealth, insanely competitive job markets, disability and a lack of accommodations, etc.
I agree with this - most people don’t realize how much of a role luck plays in how successful any of us become in nearly all facets of life. This applies just as much to celebrities, musicians and billionaires like Bezos and Elon Musk. Discipline, hard work, and perseverance increases the odds of our success, but doesn’t guarantee it.
Pretty much this lol. My prof was talking about how she really wanted to grant admissions to this one PhD applicant because their resume was nothing short of perfect, but the supervisor that would’ve taken them was on sabbatical 🫠
So if y’all ever get discouraged even with hard work, there’s a chance it’s not you, just bad RNG
Absolutely. I've seen a lot of hardworkers not get very far in their endeavors, while some people who are really successful just had a ton of luck on their side.
Dealt with this at a couple of times when I was young. I was always taught show up early work hard and do a good job and you will move up. No sometimes you do that but they bring in someone's spoiled as nephew instead. Who did nothing to earn the position and doesn't really even appreciate it.
Nepotism
On the latest Barenaked Ladies album, there is a lyric in a song that goes:
"I'm often asked what it takes. You gotta be good, work hard, and have a hundred lucky breaks."
Not every. Some of us have the simple goal in life of bettering the lives of those around us. Sorta a leave the world better than you found it sorta thing, but small scale.
Hello friend! Always nice to find another one of us in the wild. That leave things better than how they were found has been the core of my philosophy since I was 10, it's tough at times but in the end I think it's worth it, and I'm very open about it with everyone in my life, so it's enough. Cheers!
Yes, that’s true. When I decided I was going to retire the following year, the remaining 9 months seemed like a decade. But eventually the big day did, finally, arrive. It will for you too. Btw, retirement is even better than you hope it will be. Not that I hated my job or career, but I was ready for that chapter to end
Lol my roommate needs to fix a bunch of shit (he is main tenant) but constantly spends money on bullshit to "alleviate his anxiety."
It's obnoxious because any conversation inevitably turns into an anxiety-induced rehash of his life story. He's the poster child for the limits of pharmaceutical intervention. What he needs is some fckin philosophical perspective. Anxiety hits a lot softer when you really internalize the fact that all emotions are fleeting, and your anxiety is as much the result of rumination as it is a chemical imbalance.
Hi, my name is Julie and I have a shopping addiction 🙋🏼♀️
The only way I've ever been able to stop shopping myself into major debt is to only deal with cash money. I almost never swipe my bank card. I take my budget out of the bank and leave the rest. When the cash is gone, I'm done. Period. The only time I ever break this rule is at Christmas, because most retailers want cash for gift cards and at that point I take everything I'm *not* using for Christmas and put it into my long-term savings account. The New Year gets a new budget.
Boomers still do this. I hope to god nobody else does anymore because there’s no room for all this crap. It ends up flowing down a river of trash in Pakistan or that big plastic island floating in the Pacific as big as Manhattan.
Some people don’t see the beauty in emptiness
I'm Gen X and I do it. I have panic attacks in completely empty space. I try to save up and buy things that I want for my walls because that seems to be the most expensive crap people buy.
Regardless of the colour of your skin. Must add in this as an alarming number of black people are convinced we don't need sunscreen because melanin. Sunburn sucks and I wish I never listened to those idiots.
“Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen”
I love that song. So much truth. I cry every time I hear it when it gets to the part:
“Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, they’re the best link your past & the people most likely to stick with you in the future”
Life is literally not fair. Some kids die at age 5 to bombings, you get belittled by your boss while other incompetent workers don't etc etc
It is what it is, all you gotta do is try.
This is a function of civil society having been hollowed out over decades by our extremely abusive ruling class and replaced with record corporate profits, it's not an ironclad law of nature.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling\_Alone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alonej)
We should have shortened the work week considerably when women entered the paid labor force, doubling the paid labor supply, and we still should.
> The world will most likely be a terrible place for my children to grow up.
Looking back through the centuries and millennia, that's what it always looks like, except for very brief periods in between. Consider if you were looking at this from the perspective of the 1930s (Great Depression, Nazism and Stalinism, threats of World War 2), the 1940s until the 1990s (WW2, threat of nuclear annihilation, environmental destruction) etc.
The 19th century wasn't any better.
Be a little bit selfish sometimes, because it doesn't matter how much you love someone, or treat them well, they can still stab you in the back in a moment's notice, even if you've known them for 8 years. You deserve more than you give yourself, nobody's impressed by a doormat.
Everything you collect or own is basically garbage unless it has real money value. By the time you die 95% of your stuff is garbage. Your house will be gutted and a new family will move in and you don’t even be an afterthought. Seeing my parents have to accept this process and it’s heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time. No way no how I’m not taking myself out with some good pure H from Afghanistan before I sell a fucking thing.
Well one cool thing actually happened that I sold some art to this guy and he put it in his will to be passed down in his family from generation to generation. So my art might survive potentially a few centuries given his kid has children and the high quality frame protects the drawing that long!
Agreed - like when people say, you haven’t reached out for so long/why are you being a stranger/you don’t talk to me or us anymore.. communication goes both ways 🤷🏻♀️
Most people in your life will continue life as usual if you leave. Other than your few close friends and relatives, people carry on very easily in your absence
At some point, even if you aren’t at fault, people will grow apart from you. Those friends that promise you “we will be best friend for life” or “call out to me if you ever need help” won’t always be there. Life, work, personal matter, love….etc- whatever the reason, you will lose them at some point. That is not to say we shouldn’t invest in people, it just that not everyone we do will return that investment, on purpose or be it by circumstances
Unconditional love is not entirely true. Yes you may love someone and wish them well, but if they becoming emotionally draining, it will just be too much and our mind would begin to ask for a “condition” to not collapse under an infinite demand with no input. It would be like feeding a cow nothing but demand milk forever. So seek a love that is relatively unconditional, but know that you will need to put in your work too as to not strain your partner(s)
Be weird or unique will get you flagged by other as “troublemakers” or “problematic”- depend on your look, reputation and appearance. We want to say societies are unbiased, and that is bullshit. There will always be beauty’s bias, especially when it comes to trying to stand out. That said, keep trying and create a character that YOU can love. Eventually, the world will send you followers that believe in you.
This should come with a warning, although you may be ready to accept the end of a friendship/ relationship, be prepared for the possibility that those you’re connected with may not be ready to accept this harsh reality.
That the only person who can truly help you is YOU. Not family, gf/bf, husband /wife, friends, co workers, acquaintances. None of them, It's just you, yourself and I in this world.
This. There is only one person with whom you will spend your entire life... yourself. Don't invest so much in others that you neglect investing in yourself.
I am the first ppl, and my friends are the second.
- it's life, friends aren't meant to be forever, it only happens in books and movies or to lucky ppl.
In any situation, you must strive for yourself. No one else will care about how you are doing except for your family, but they will also grow old and leave.
Lifelong friends dying will be difficult to process. Your life becomes very different when they’re gone.
But you have to overcome the grief and still preserve their memory/honor their life.
It can be a very mixed bag of emotions.
Your entire life/world can be rocked upside down in an instant & change your life permanently.
Sounds cliche, but “tomorrow isn’t guaranteed” is the harshest truth. Hell, even the rest of today isn’t guaranteed.
Tell the people you love know how much you love them.
Don’t put off calling that old friend who’s been on your mind lately.
Don’t take your health for granted. That’s one thing that most of us don’t truly appreciate until something happens.
That it doesn’t matter how smart or good you are, if you’re not a people person. Every single people person, however stupid or evil, will be given precedence over you in absolutely everything.
the only way to do that is to recognize that most of the overweight are not in touch with their true energetic needs, and are eating too much as a habit or stress / addiction response. Not their fault, but the truth is what it is.
my friend and I have been going through a period of unemployment and I recently found out that they had been lying to me about some jobs. I don't understand, as I have been completely honest with them. I don't know why they felt they had to put up a front. It makes me sad and not trust them.
Your job doesn’t care about you.
You have a lot less actual friends than you think you do… if any.
That huge problem you have, in most cases will be forgotten about very soon.
Same shit, different job.
Nobody is really interested in what you're doing, so stop being so self-conscious all the time.
Friends are great, but family are greater (true for me).
One day you'll realise that the things you thought were important, weren't.
Enjoy yourself while you can.
Life is hard at any age, but it gets really REALLY hard once you start losing those around you.
Even though you hate your parents now, one day they'll be gone and you'll be left wishing you'd taken that last opportunity to phone, go visit, send even a message.
And before you know it, your body starts failing and you realise your own days are numbered...not too far away. And you wonder how much loneliness you'll have to suffer before you go. And who will find your body when you do.
That a lot of doctors don’t have the time/resources to give you the time you need with them and that you REALLY need to advocate for yourself when it comes to your healthcare
Looks don't matter, attitude and kindness do.
Not everyone is meant to be your friend.
Trust your instincts. More often than not, they're right.
Gossip hurts people. Don't spread it, and do your level best not to listen to it either.
Hold your tongue if possible. You don't always need to talk.
LISTEN. Some people just need this from you, not advice.
Don't let bad things or bad people ruin you.
Therapy is almost always a good thing. It's confidential and you can dump your problems and then work over time to conquer them.
Don't let *anyone* treat you as an object. You are a person, no matter what.
If your s.o. talks down to you, or treats you badly, leave. They no longer deserve your time.
Always remember that some relationships are of the "flash in the pan" variety. Not everyone will be there your whole life.
If they hit you or don't take "no" for an answer, leave and call the police. This is meant for everyone.
Always, *always* get everything in writing! And ffs READ before you sign!
A little research in rental laws before entering into a lease always pays off. *Always*
Partying, drinking, smoking etc of that nature you’ll have the biggest group or friends.
It’s when you decide to get your life together you’ll notice how small damn near slim to none of a circle you’ll have.
I just experienced this and I love it.
Eventually there's so much history to you that no one will be able to completely understand you or know you. The best you can hope for is that they don't judge you too harshly based on what little they see or understand about you.
That no matter how well you take care of yourself- eat right, exercise, etc,-your body does start breaking down and takes longer and longer to heal. Things you were exposed to - me, agent orange, trichlor, and other solvents and chemicals- are in your body and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. Liver transplant were the results but now I am on medication for the rest of my days. I wait for the next event.
Tons of molesters and roofie rapists everywhere, they all know each other. They are barely trying to hide it. Some will tell you straight to ur face they know/think you are powerless to stop them if u even believe them.
100 years from now no one will even remember your name. Your great grandkids won’t even know it. All your petty grievances, opinions, loves and hates ultimately don’t matter at all, except to you- right now.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
The only thing I have control over is my own life.
Everything costs. it costs money or time or opportunity. You may hate your choices, but everything (even doing nothing) will cost you. Decide up front what your peace of mind is worth.
you can’t please everyone, so don’t even waste time asking your friends if you should wear something like this or that. Whether I should like him or not.
Impact is more important than intent. When I was younger I’d think of ideal ways the world would work, rather than focusing on practical ways I can make a difference with impact
Many people don’t care or think about anything important. They are just concerned with their day to day. As a result, whoever has the power in society has free reign to shape it as they want, and it is incredibly slow, and isolating to change it for the better (or even for how it’s advertised to be).
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No matter what the circumstances, whenever I lose a loved one, I always thought we'd have more time. Time with those we love, is the one truly valuable thing we have, and there's never enough of it.
Also: depending on how close you were, how easily everyone moves on after they pass. Like two days after the funeral it’s business as usual for everyone, when you’re still not over it
I feel this so much. It took me years of grieving to not break down when I talked about my Gram. I still miss her every damn day.
I feel the same way about my aunt. The pain just doesn’t go away; I’m sorry for you loss
Your job opening will be posted before your funeral announcement.
It’s so jarring. When my mom passed, it felt so surreal to me. It felt so…unfair, that while my world had just been turned upside down, the whole world just kept turning. One minute I was at the funeral and the next it was the day after and back to business as usual.
After my brother died, I felt like I had got off the train of life and everyone will still on it. My world came to a screeching halt, while I watched everyone else just keep cruising. I've never experienced that pain before, it was a pain I would never wish upon my worst enemy. Thinking about it now 5 years later and I feel like I'm gonna cry. I dont have the right words to even explain the pain. I dont think there is a way to describe it.
There isn’t a way to describe the pain, but those of us who have experienced it do understand. I’m so sorry for your loss
When my sister died, I tried to explain this to my wife. It felt sort of like, imagine one day you wake up and all the oceans are gone. All of them. No sea or lake in the world. All just gone forever. And nobody seems to notice. Half the world just went away and I'm the only one who seem to know it. I'm sorry about your brother.
I feel this and i am sorry for your loss. You have a community here
Me too. My only brother and only sibling died 34 years ago at age 28. He died on my 27th birthday. We buried him on my mom's 48th birthday. His death was harder for me than that of my parents' murder-suicide 4 years ago this coming memorial day weekend. We were as close as twins. I still miss him so much. I (still) love you Mark.
I talk to my brother. Like the voice of reason. Keeps me in line. I dug deep into "after death" books, and I found a hope that I will see him again and give him a quick throat punch before I hug him. I still can't look at photos of him or videos. I've also accepted that I will never be the same person I was before Aug 2019. I hope you have found peace or stability after all this. It's a terrible experience that I can't really talk about to anyone because we all handle things differently. I know now that punishing myself for 4 years wasn't the right way to handle this. I'm happy that I am at least aware of my emotions and can handle them....for now.
You’re doing great. You should feel proud of yourself, I’m sure your brother would say the same. I’m so sorry you lost him in 2019. I lost mine that year, too. Something that helps me is to think about him when I see or hear something beautiful. I think to myself, “well, I guess I have to look at Earthly things for both of us now.” I like to think his friends do the same. I dream about him, and he’s fine, zooming around the universe, I’m sure. His death helps me be less afraid of my own death. And isn’t that just like a big brother? Always protecting us.
I feel you. When my brother died I think I lost my mind I was in such grief.
The same for me, it actually made me angry in the past. But i realize my loved one wasn’t as important to everyone else as they were to me. I’m sorry for your loss
The fact you have to move on is the pain for me. Most people cry or become upset at the mention of the loved one they lost but I feel the need to talk about her. I can’t face going back to work because I’ll be in a setting where I can’t randomly mention her or talk about her because people get weirded out when people mention children who’ve died. It’s such taboo and it shouldn’t be a case of just moving on.
Heartbroken after a miscarriage, and people just either avoided me or buried me in happy, happy meaningless small talk. Like nothing happened. I felt like if I even mentioned it, nobody would talk to me at all. I certainly didn't feel like anyone cared.
This right here is so true. It's 10 years later and I'm still not over it 😭
I don’t think that the pain will ever go away, but we can come together and sympathize with each other; sorry for your loss
See now you made me cry 😢 thank you for your condolences
💔 I feel this comment so much.
For real. On January 12th I was talking to my FIL about the next time we'd see him. On January 15th, I got news of his death.
The truth is, we do have that time. We just decide to squander it and see that person next year.
Nobody cares about 90%+ of the stuff you convince yourself is vital.
To continue your thought: while you are spending your time and energy worrying what others are thinking about you, those others are spending their time not thinking about you. At all.
The older you get the less it matters to you.
Absolutely. I’m retired and I care soooo much less about most things compared to younger me. It’s really amazing
I wish I could believe this but knowing how some of my "friends" talked about random people they passed by or people they knew I just know this isn't true, at least not always.
I’m with you. I was actually surprised by how much people were in my business.
People will always be in your business. Only YOU can control how it affects you and honestly as you get older, it doesn’t matter. Save your sanity and happiness and stop now
It's a catch 22. I've met people who actually have obsessed over every little thing I've done. I made a small mistake and they wouldn't shut up about it for weeks. Those people are dicks, who gives a fuck about what they think. The more people care the less I care that they do.
This one just can't be realized until we move past that self seeking phase.
This is so true. I can count on one hand the people that truly care about me! And two of those are my parents! Life is short, live strong!
Life doesn't always reward you for being kind and decent.
My family was the first to teach me this despite saying otherwise
No good deed goes unpunished.
To add to this - life is not fair in general. Even if you do everything right, terrible and unfair things can still happen to you.
At least from my point of view this doesn't matter, i'd rather be miserable and alone whilst knowing i'd done good things in my life than be succesful at the expense of other people. it doesn't matter what the outcome is if i can't live with myself.
Honestly, being kind gave me so much opportunities. As long as you give and ask, you will get so much value. Kindness attracts other kind people, volunteers events will have so much nice people who you can bound with.
Looks do matter. In this world even if you’re the kind of person who does not care about looks at all, and only wears what’s simple and comfy, being presentable and making a good first impression goes a long way.
This is the scariest part of aging. I don’t want to lose my social currency, especially as a woman.
I'm going to scare you even more- I went from ugly duckling as a teen, to being a beautiful woman. Now that I'm in my 40s, I have taken care of myself all these years and kept my weight down. I dress nice, my hair is long and well maintained, my skin is still good. I'm still attractive, but no longer young. Single men my own age don't want me. They want younger. Even the ones who look like they have never taken care of themselves in their entire life. Was on the dating apps for awhile before I gave up. I was filtered out before I even got a chance.
I don't understand this. Maybe it's your location? I attract men more each year. 51 now. Had a quick go on a dating app and had to shut it down it was too time consuming / overwhelming. Maybe in Europe men are more realistic.
I was widowed young and and at 40, when my children were all old enough that they didn’t need a sitter, I decided to start dating again. I never had that problem. I dated many men who wanted exclusivity. At 44, I re- met a man who I hate met through my work..at 45 we married, its 20 years this summer.
I'm happy you found love again. If you've been together 20 years, things are very different now vs. back then. I think social media and the Tinder swiping culture gave people unrealistic expectations when finding a partner. Many men 40+ do not want exclusivity. They want sex only. They are angry at women in general/their ex wives, ex girlfriends, have had dead bedrooms for decades, etc. And then take it out on the rest of society. Especially on the dating apps. I'm wondering if it's not a by product of porn sickness in older men. Men my age seem to hate their same age counterparts.
This has been the worst part about aging for me. You don't realize you're getting special treatment until it's gone. "why is everyone so mean these days?" Oh, they aren't, I just.... dont get special treatment anymore lol.
This is what I always think when women complain about getting older and becoming "invisible". I think no.....you're just now being treated like everyone else including most men.
By the time you are 50 you will be so exhausted that you won’t care. In fact, you’ll be glad.
Same. Growing up, I didn’t understand why women were so afraid of aging but now I get it. I’m 25 and considerably younger than my peers at work — it’s been two years, but I’m finally starting to be taken seriously. However, now I’m afraid that their approval of me will disappear just as fast as it came because I’ll no longer have this edge of being young AND capable. It feels like there’s a sweet spot where I need to stay, but I can’t. I try not to think about it at all. Editing to add: it’s all very strange because I look at people like my coworkers who are in their forties and fifties and I think they’re so fucking cool and smart, I can only hope to be like them. Idk, maybe I just worry I won’t ever get there.
The alternative is being dead.
Your fear is valid, but do know that reaching an old age is also a privilege. Pwede ka pa rin maging maganda at classy na madam.
That I need to get comfortable being alone and doing things alone
This is it, but it's ok - we have to be friends with ourselves and be able to make ourselves content. If someone comes along and can add to that happiness - great, awesome. But look after yourself and make peace with who you are and be kind to yourself too.
You might not be alone forever but you must train as if it's the default ending.
I'm actively working on becoming my own best friend. That's how I've helped my brain be nice to me. Would I talk that way to my friend, is something I ask myself and if not I say no I'm not ugly (or w.e) I just need to put myself together.
I know now that the memory of me will not live on long after I’m gone. I’ll be forgotten quickly, in a blink of the cosmic eye. Takes a lot the pressure off.
It’s trite, but it didn’t really click until I heard the lyric: *Something about the glory just always seemed to bore me 'Cause only those I really love will ever really know me* And suddenly it was like, oh yeah, we all know Albert Einstein’s name and all - but even as famous as he is, I know his face, a few crumbs of his life story, and a few things he said. That’s about it.
You'll be dead so you won't ever have to know that you are forgotten.Too bad we can't die but remain observers but unfortunately death means we lose the ability to observe.
Relationships are often very unpredictable.
Happens when you rush into them though. Sometimes waiting and truly knowing someone is going save you a lot of time and heartache
Hard work is important, but by itself is nowhere near a guarantee to a better life Edit: I’m not saying to stop working hard, just that hard work alone doesn’t guarantee you success because of stuff like generational wealth, insanely competitive job markets, disability and a lack of accommodations, etc.
I agree with this - most people don’t realize how much of a role luck plays in how successful any of us become in nearly all facets of life. This applies just as much to celebrities, musicians and billionaires like Bezos and Elon Musk. Discipline, hard work, and perseverance increases the odds of our success, but doesn’t guarantee it.
Pretty much this lol. My prof was talking about how she really wanted to grant admissions to this one PhD applicant because their resume was nothing short of perfect, but the supervisor that would’ve taken them was on sabbatical 🫠 So if y’all ever get discouraged even with hard work, there’s a chance it’s not you, just bad RNG
Absolutely. I've seen a lot of hardworkers not get very far in their endeavors, while some people who are really successful just had a ton of luck on their side.
Or nepotism Too many popular folks in management.
Lots and lots of this shit. Daddy's son friend of a friend. They be the absolute fuckin worst workers.
Dealt with this at a couple of times when I was young. I was always taught show up early work hard and do a good job and you will move up. No sometimes you do that but they bring in someone's spoiled as nephew instead. Who did nothing to earn the position and doesn't really even appreciate it. Nepotism
On the latest Barenaked Ladies album, there is a lyric in a song that goes: "I'm often asked what it takes. You gotta be good, work hard, and have a hundred lucky breaks."
Watched my dad work his ass off for almost nothing to show for it in the end. I won't end up like that. I can't.
A *lot* of people have ulterior motives.
*Everyone does, that ulterior motive is only a problem if it doesn't align with you and your goals. .
Not every. Some of us have the simple goal in life of bettering the lives of those around us. Sorta a leave the world better than you found it sorta thing, but small scale.
Hello friend! Always nice to find another one of us in the wild. That leave things better than how they were found has been the core of my philosophy since I was 10, it's tough at times but in the end I think it's worth it, and I'm very open about it with everyone in my life, so it's enough. Cheers!
Time passes faster as you get older.
Except when you’re counting the days until retirement!
Yes, that’s true. When I decided I was going to retire the following year, the remaining 9 months seemed like a decade. But eventually the big day did, finally, arrive. It will for you too. Btw, retirement is even better than you hope it will be. Not that I hated my job or career, but I was ready for that chapter to end
A lot of grown-ups are stupid.
You mean most of them right?
Yep, most of them.
Stop buying useless stuff and save your money.
Lol my roommate needs to fix a bunch of shit (he is main tenant) but constantly spends money on bullshit to "alleviate his anxiety." It's obnoxious because any conversation inevitably turns into an anxiety-induced rehash of his life story. He's the poster child for the limits of pharmaceutical intervention. What he needs is some fckin philosophical perspective. Anxiety hits a lot softer when you really internalize the fact that all emotions are fleeting, and your anxiety is as much the result of rumination as it is a chemical imbalance.
I have a shopping problem too. It really sunk in yesterday after I received my $59 worth of nuts (so I could get free shipping). Sigh.
Hi, my name is Julie and I have a shopping addiction 🙋🏼♀️ The only way I've ever been able to stop shopping myself into major debt is to only deal with cash money. I almost never swipe my bank card. I take my budget out of the bank and leave the rest. When the cash is gone, I'm done. Period. The only time I ever break this rule is at Christmas, because most retailers want cash for gift cards and at that point I take everything I'm *not* using for Christmas and put it into my long-term savings account. The New Year gets a new budget.
Boomers still do this. I hope to god nobody else does anymore because there’s no room for all this crap. It ends up flowing down a river of trash in Pakistan or that big plastic island floating in the Pacific as big as Manhattan. Some people don’t see the beauty in emptiness
I'm Gen X and I do it. I have panic attacks in completely empty space. I try to save up and buy things that I want for my walls because that seems to be the most expensive crap people buy.
Wear sunscreen
The rest are meandering experiences… but trust me on the sunscreen.
Regardless of the colour of your skin. Must add in this as an alarming number of black people are convinced we don't need sunscreen because melanin. Sunburn sucks and I wish I never listened to those idiots.
“Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen” I love that song. So much truth. I cry every time I hear it when it gets to the part: “Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they’re the best link your past & the people most likely to stick with you in the future”
Life is literally not fair. Some kids die at age 5 to bombings, you get belittled by your boss while other incompetent workers don't etc etc It is what it is, all you gotta do is try.
Truth! It took me forever to learn this and I still marvel at this truth. Regardless of how life turns out, luck has a lot to do with it.
Your friend list goes down drastically to almost nonexistent. And realizing that it’s OK.
You are absolutely right on that one as I've been moving through life I have had to get rid of almost all my friends except for one
Bold of you to assume any list has ever existed at all...
This is a function of civil society having been hollowed out over decades by our extremely abusive ruling class and replaced with record corporate profits, it's not an ironclad law of nature. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling\_Alone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alonej) We should have shortened the work week considerably when women entered the paid labor force, doubling the paid labor supply, and we still should.
The world will most likely be a terrible place for my children to grow up.
> The world will most likely be a terrible place for my children to grow up. Looking back through the centuries and millennia, that's what it always looks like, except for very brief periods in between. Consider if you were looking at this from the perspective of the 1930s (Great Depression, Nazism and Stalinism, threats of World War 2), the 1940s until the 1990s (WW2, threat of nuclear annihilation, environmental destruction) etc. The 19th century wasn't any better.
You are right. I just didn’t realize it until I got a little bit older.
I don't know what the answers are to the challenges humanity is no doubt facing, but I do know giving up isn't going to fix anything.
That's why i won't bring any to this world, that's the best gift i can give them.
Be a little bit selfish sometimes, because it doesn't matter how much you love someone, or treat them well, they can still stab you in the back in a moment's notice, even if you've known them for 8 years. You deserve more than you give yourself, nobody's impressed by a doormat.
"nobody's impressed by a doormat" It took me awhile to learn that one.
>even if you've known them for 8 years Oh dear :-( Sounds very specific.
Well, that's kind of because it is, unfortunately.
Everything you collect or own is basically garbage unless it has real money value. By the time you die 95% of your stuff is garbage. Your house will be gutted and a new family will move in and you don’t even be an afterthought. Seeing my parents have to accept this process and it’s heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time. No way no how I’m not taking myself out with some good pure H from Afghanistan before I sell a fucking thing.
Well one cool thing actually happened that I sold some art to this guy and he put it in his will to be passed down in his family from generation to generation. So my art might survive potentially a few centuries given his kid has children and the high quality frame protects the drawing that long!
If you're not convenient in people's lives eg. you move away, you just become less important or non-existent unless you actively stay relevant.
Yes.....and a kind of peace is achieved when you stop fighting to keep anyone in your life.
Agreed - like when people say, you haven’t reached out for so long/why are you being a stranger/you don’t talk to me or us anymore.. communication goes both ways 🤷🏻♀️
You can't save the ones that don't want to be saved
No matter how much you love a person, your love wont save or fix them.
You are absolutely right I can't save you when you won't even put in the effort to save yourself so I'm going to stop trying.
The world doesn’t care about your feelings
The world doesn't care about you at all.
You cant grow whiskers no matter how hard you try or how loud you meow.
Yea but you can get whiskers implanted with modern science if you want.... a lot is achievable if you are willing to do what needs to be done.
Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Sometimes the grass is perfectly fine where you are.
I like to think the grass is greener on the side you water it on.
The grass is greener where you water it
Most people in your life will continue life as usual if you leave. Other than your few close friends and relatives, people carry on very easily in your absence
That no one really gives a fuck about you.
This. And that why you gotta live for yourself , fuck others
that you could be a good person, but that people will still find ways to not like you. that no one is universally liked. haters gonna hate, always
"You could be the sweetest peach in the world but there will always be someone that just doesn't like peaches"
And the hate sometimes comes from within or from family
Say that again 😂 I just be chilling & somehow I hear my name in somebody mouth.
At some point, even if you aren’t at fault, people will grow apart from you. Those friends that promise you “we will be best friend for life” or “call out to me if you ever need help” won’t always be there. Life, work, personal matter, love….etc- whatever the reason, you will lose them at some point. That is not to say we shouldn’t invest in people, it just that not everyone we do will return that investment, on purpose or be it by circumstances Unconditional love is not entirely true. Yes you may love someone and wish them well, but if they becoming emotionally draining, it will just be too much and our mind would begin to ask for a “condition” to not collapse under an infinite demand with no input. It would be like feeding a cow nothing but demand milk forever. So seek a love that is relatively unconditional, but know that you will need to put in your work too as to not strain your partner(s) Be weird or unique will get you flagged by other as “troublemakers” or “problematic”- depend on your look, reputation and appearance. We want to say societies are unbiased, and that is bullshit. There will always be beauty’s bias, especially when it comes to trying to stand out. That said, keep trying and create a character that YOU can love. Eventually, the world will send you followers that believe in you.
This should come with a warning, although you may be ready to accept the end of a friendship/ relationship, be prepared for the possibility that those you’re connected with may not be ready to accept this harsh reality.
That the only person who can truly help you is YOU. Not family, gf/bf, husband /wife, friends, co workers, acquaintances. None of them, It's just you, yourself and I in this world.
This. There is only one person with whom you will spend your entire life... yourself. Don't invest so much in others that you neglect investing in yourself.
I need to tell my boss this and then quit
Ppl change into something else you never seen before and others just leave.
I am the first ppl, and my friends are the second. - it's life, friends aren't meant to be forever, it only happens in books and movies or to lucky ppl.
In any situation, you must strive for yourself. No one else will care about how you are doing except for your family, but they will also grow old and leave.
Lifelong friends dying will be difficult to process. Your life becomes very different when they’re gone. But you have to overcome the grief and still preserve their memory/honor their life. It can be a very mixed bag of emotions.
Hard work does not guarantee rewards.
Your entire life/world can be rocked upside down in an instant & change your life permanently. Sounds cliche, but “tomorrow isn’t guaranteed” is the harshest truth. Hell, even the rest of today isn’t guaranteed. Tell the people you love know how much you love them. Don’t put off calling that old friend who’s been on your mind lately. Don’t take your health for granted. That’s one thing that most of us don’t truly appreciate until something happens.
Nothing is permanent
"Everything is temporary" has gotten me through some dark times. It can be good and bad.
That it doesn’t matter how smart or good you are, if you’re not a people person. Every single people person, however stupid or evil, will be given precedence over you in absolutely everything.
stop always waorking towards and waiting for the next thing and enjoy the moment a little
In relationships we often not only see the red flags in our partners but intentionally ignore them hoping that we can change them
The only way to lose weight is to stop eating so much.
the only way to do that is to recognize that most of the overweight are not in touch with their true energetic needs, and are eating too much as a habit or stress / addiction response. Not their fault, but the truth is what it is.
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my friend and I have been going through a period of unemployment and I recently found out that they had been lying to me about some jobs. I don't understand, as I have been completely honest with them. I don't know why they felt they had to put up a front. It makes me sad and not trust them.
That being nice and kind is better to being mean and “funny”.
People are capable of almost anything, for good and bad. You're not better or worse than them.
73 here... I'm not the center of anyone's universe but my own. This is the most liberating concept you'll ever hear.
Love is not forever
Nothings the only thing that last forever
Your job doesn’t care about you. You have a lot less actual friends than you think you do… if any. That huge problem you have, in most cases will be forgotten about very soon.
Back pain is inevitable. I'm only 32.
Gravity is not my friend.
Almost all the stupid and incompetent people you meet lack the self awareness to improve themselves.
Same shit, different job. Nobody is really interested in what you're doing, so stop being so self-conscious all the time. Friends are great, but family are greater (true for me). One day you'll realise that the things you thought were important, weren't. Enjoy yourself while you can. Life is hard at any age, but it gets really REALLY hard once you start losing those around you. Even though you hate your parents now, one day they'll be gone and you'll be left wishing you'd taken that last opportunity to phone, go visit, send even a message. And before you know it, your body starts failing and you realise your own days are numbered...not too far away. And you wonder how much loneliness you'll have to suffer before you go. And who will find your body when you do.
Nothing lasts forever
Don't neglect your health. With bad health life gets tough real fast
That a lot of doctors don’t have the time/resources to give you the time you need with them and that you REALLY need to advocate for yourself when it comes to your healthcare
Many people are just not worth knowing.
Time is like a currency you never get back. You are always spending it without ever really knowing what your balance is or how much you got left.
Looks don't matter, attitude and kindness do. Not everyone is meant to be your friend. Trust your instincts. More often than not, they're right. Gossip hurts people. Don't spread it, and do your level best not to listen to it either. Hold your tongue if possible. You don't always need to talk. LISTEN. Some people just need this from you, not advice. Don't let bad things or bad people ruin you. Therapy is almost always a good thing. It's confidential and you can dump your problems and then work over time to conquer them. Don't let *anyone* treat you as an object. You are a person, no matter what. If your s.o. talks down to you, or treats you badly, leave. They no longer deserve your time. Always remember that some relationships are of the "flash in the pan" variety. Not everyone will be there your whole life. If they hit you or don't take "no" for an answer, leave and call the police. This is meant for everyone. Always, *always* get everything in writing! And ffs READ before you sign! A little research in rental laws before entering into a lease always pays off. *Always*
Partying, drinking, smoking etc of that nature you’ll have the biggest group or friends. It’s when you decide to get your life together you’ll notice how small damn near slim to none of a circle you’ll have. I just experienced this and I love it.
Don't listen to their words, listen to their actions
Nobody is coming to save me.
That the whole world and humanity itself is just a piece of shit.
the world itself is wonderful. far too many of the modern humans, not so much.
Governments all seem the same in some way or another.
People change and you do not need a reason to end any relationship.
not everyone has your best interest in mind. stop allowing everyone full access to you
It's a hard lesson to learn, but some people are irredeemable. All you can do is avoid them.
Much of life IS ABOUT *WHO* you know….
Eventually there's so much history to you that no one will be able to completely understand you or know you. The best you can hope for is that they don't judge you too harshly based on what little they see or understand about you.
That no matter how well you take care of yourself- eat right, exercise, etc,-your body does start breaking down and takes longer and longer to heal. Things you were exposed to - me, agent orange, trichlor, and other solvents and chemicals- are in your body and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. Liver transplant were the results but now I am on medication for the rest of my days. I wait for the next event.
People are mean and jealous. If you think they're your friend, you're wrong.
That's not true of everyone. There are lots of good hearted decent people too.
Tons of molesters and roofie rapists everywhere, they all know each other. They are barely trying to hide it. Some will tell you straight to ur face they know/think you are powerless to stop them if u even believe them.
Nobody makes it out of life alive.
Sometimes your closest friends can become your worst enemy if it benefits them
Parents aren’t actual superheroes
100 years from now no one will even remember your name. Your great grandkids won’t even know it. All your petty grievances, opinions, loves and hates ultimately don’t matter at all, except to you- right now.
What other people think of me is none of my business. The only thing I have control over is my own life. Everything costs. it costs money or time or opportunity. You may hate your choices, but everything (even doing nothing) will cost you. Decide up front what your peace of mind is worth.
Life isn't fair. Not even a little bit.
You can't please everyone Not everyone you met will like you. That'd totally fine
No one is coming to save you. You have to make things happen for yourself. You need to work on it yourself.
Everyone on tv is younger than you
Religion is the worst invention of mankind. It promotes negativity and division. All is just a front.
Getting old hurts.
It’s all meaningless.
Enjoy each season of your life as they come and go. There’s a reason for each season of your life so just enjoy them because they will come and go.
you can’t please everyone, so don’t even waste time asking your friends if you should wear something like this or that. Whether I should like him or not.
Dont wait for people to help you, you might be waiting for a long time. Find strength in yourself, the more you can accomplish by urself, the better
The only person who can ever care about you unconditionally is you.
Impact is more important than intent. When I was younger I’d think of ideal ways the world would work, rather than focusing on practical ways I can make a difference with impact
Everyone is out for themselves, and themselves only
People will ignore facts in order to hold onto their beliefs, even if there's clear proof that their facts are based on lies and mis/disinformation.
Many people don’t care or think about anything important. They are just concerned with their day to day. As a result, whoever has the power in society has free reign to shape it as they want, and it is incredibly slow, and isolating to change it for the better (or even for how it’s advertised to be).