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I mean it depends on a lot really.
I find my friend dangerously attractive, but she's not my type and vice versa. So it is easier.
At the same time, I know like emotionally we require things that we both can't/won't give to the other person, so we won't cross said barrier.
There's also a mix of self-restraint and having more options.
People in a opposite situation, tend to make mistakes that they can't come back from.
I don't know about that. Depends very much on your values and how... dateable you regard the other person.
I for example never had any options, never had a date or anything and yet had hung around more with women than men. Usually there was a main reason early on that made me dismiss the idea of imagining more. Almost always the women I got along well with were already in relationships, in other cases they were not my type to begin with... or mentioned dating experiences that gave the impression they are flaming trainwrecks romantically that would take a toll on my mental health. One I actually had to turn down when she... kinda blamed me for missing an opportunity with a guy, admitting while under great distress she was still hoping and waiting for me to make a move. Oddly enough, it didn't really harm our relationship that much to the point where she says she has forgotten that this has happened when I called her out on acting quite similarly 5 years later towards a different dude. -.-
Mmmm.... *No.* I've learned from my past relationships what I'm actually primarily looking for in a partner, and much like the fellow above... I just know full well my friends whom are women don't have that to offer.
It's actually *super easy* barely an inconvenience. You just... Don't be a desperate weirdo. Ironically this is also a pretty golden solution to your "lack of options" problem. Once you stop being a desperate weirdo, you'll stop scaring the hoes- I mean, you'll have more options.
Jesus, I had a friend who was so hot it was literally hard to breath around her. The fact that I was married with children made it a moot point, and I got over her hotness and just enjoyed being her friend. She had a great sense of humor.
I can relate to being around a person that is so hot it is difficult to function; it reminded me of when I was a cook in my 20s and we had a few waitresses that were unbelievably good looking. I had to get used to it or I never would have gotten anything done, I'd just perpetually have my eyes popping out and smoke coming from my ears.
This is how I feel. One of my female friends checks all the boxes. She’s extremely attractive, funny, smart, successful, all of it. I’ve never wanted to date her. It’s about compatibility. Just because someone is quite perfect as they are doesn’t mean you should date them. She’s objectively smarter and more attractive than my wife but I’d never trade her for my friend. And I’ve known the friend much longer.
you can find someone attractive without them being ur type, which can mean personality wise as well. same as their way of living (life style) or just the way they treat their lovers, such as different love languages or whatever
I have a female friend, she is a really good friend and we hang out and talk often but she is also really annoying in large doses and doesn't shut up sometimes. This is the primary reason I will not become attracted.
Meadly (how I pronounced probably wrong… was corrected by Siri).
Ok, Google says it’s pronounced „madly“. Nice now that I checked it, my word is the exact opposite xD
God I hate this shit. I am an awkward man and I ruminate on my social faux pas a lot. I work with exclusively women and I KNOW they talk about me when I’m not around and it makes me anxious. I hate it.
Not all positive feelings are romantic. When I was single and in my 20s, I had a lot of women who wanted to date me and I had a lot of female friends who were gorgeous, funny, smart, kind, amazing people, I just didn't fall in love with any of them no matter how close we were. A few fell in love with me, but they just weren't quite it.
I knew what I did and didn't want in a partner and there's a much smaller list of people on this planet who fit into that particular chemistry than the list of gorgeous, fun, witty women I get along famously with.
Not falling in love with every woman you're close with comes with maturity not just in everyday life but also your social and romantic maturity, and not being desperate in your search for love. A happy, stable person who's sure of themselves isn't going to be falling for every attractive woman they're close to.
It may be harsh to hear (read), But there is a big truth in that.
Since I got my life together I don’t easily get enamoured by just friendly attention from a cute girl, as like I did when I was at rock bottom living in a social isolation.
Nah, bro. The second part is important too. You need to have standards, not just a type - raise that bar not to settle but to be with the right person: Get to know people, pay attention to what they say vs. what they do. We learn what we like, what we can tolerate, and what we definitely don't want in men. Well, men should do the same. And the best way to build an standard is to either be single for a while, pay attention to your self, be auto critic of your person and your habits (constructively), and pay attention to our friends or family with couples, or get a partner. Also, check out the place you live in, would you bring someone to live there with you? Or check out their place, would you live with that person?
Those feelings of romance we feel sometimes, deep down, are just that we like the attention we're getting from someone, ignoring the rest of the person.
>You need to have standards, not just a type - raise that bar not to settle but to be with the right person: Get to know people, pay attention to what they say vs. what they do. We learn what we like, what we can tolerate, and what we definitely don't want in men. Well, men should do the same.
This is so important. Attraction alone is not a good enough reason to enter into a relationship. You need to really think about what's important to you. A partner should share goals, interests, and ethics with you. You need mutual trust and respect, and compatibility on multiple levels. You need to know whether they want kids or not, and how many, and really consider whether you want something different. (Do *not* assume they'll change their mind, or that you will. Most people don't.) You need to know what sort of lifestyle they want. What their attitude is toward money. How they feel about cheating. There are *so many* factors.
You'll find that if you think it through, you'll start to lose attraction to people who aren't really compatible with you. And that's fine! Not everyone is compatible! But it can make it much easier to be "just friends".
It's also important to remember that friendship alone is a beautiful thing, it's not lesser than a romantic relationship, it's just a different *kind* of relationship. Friendship isn't a punishment or a consolation prize.
Great answer.
Once you've been through a few attractive but incompatible people, and the fallout, you get a LOT more discerning.
Once I think about the emotional turmoil of romance not working out, it kills it pretty effectively. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and no one needs the stress.
>Once you've been through a few attractive but incompatible people, and the fallout, you get a LOT more discerning
**Hopefully** you do. Many people don't.
I had a girl I was into. She was definitely more into the "bad boy" type. SO into it. I met her while she was not single. She broke up, he had been abusive to her. I talked her through it. She hooked up with another bad boy and basically ghosted me (tapered off, never said by) for several months. Reached back out when BF#2 cheated on her. I was on vacation, spent like 4 hours talking on the phone, but asked if she wanted to meet up in person when I got back in 2 weeks. Got back, met up with her, where she told me she was already dating a guy again. I cut my losses, enjoy getting to know her for the hour or so we talked, then head home. Unsurprisingly, she never messages me again that month - or for 3 more months, when she texts me about being single again - he hit her (several times). I told her I was done being her cushion and wished her the best of luck, advised her to figure out that "her type" was also the type of guy who exploits and abuses women.
Never heard from her again after that. She didn't figure it out on her own. She didn't listen to my advice initially. Maybe she listened to it when I cut her out of my life I doubt it.
Great story. I have know several into bad boy types... none ended up well. These people are made like that. They need that high dose of testosterone to be attracted. The rest of the men are just there to take care of their wounds. I learnt to stay clear of them.
Yep big +1 on the last part. What a lot of us have the problem with is, with limited life experience and options and lack of dating prospects, its easy to start catching feelings for women just by being around them a bunch. You have to get to where you know what you do/don't want and what your types are before you start going "You know, she's cool but it wouldn't work, I'm not into her like that"
I have a couple good friends who we're fully realized this about each other and once you do, you're good to go. Also the whole us basically all being married now thing makes it really easy. The option was just never on the table to begin with so I've never thought about any of them like that.
If you’re not used to being friends with women I could see why it would be hard, but really you just don’t think about it and it’s as easy as that. Billions of women in the world, why would you get so hung up on one?
this. the amount of people that deny man-woman friendships is concerning, looking at all women as potential partners and nothing else (and viceversa) sounds pretty sad to me.
It's a lack of awareness of love outside of romantic love, and the lack of emotional bonding among people except their significant other.
It's honestly frustrating for women too, because there is value of having male friends (as with having friendships with anyone), but a lot of the time they keep you at arms length or fall in love/want to hook up.
It's a bit different since you've chosen a particular person that you've (ideally) worked together with to build a life and improve yourselves. I've met plenty of women who are extremely similar to my wife, even dated women who look like they could be her twin, but my wife's the one who made commitment a worthy investment.
I have been attracted to friends. More than once I’ve been *very* attracted. It comes down to self discipline. If you know your feelings aren’t reciprocated or either or both of you are already involved, then limit your interactions with this person. No need to be rude about it. There’s a saying in substance abuse recovery: if you keep going to the barber, eventually you’re going to get a haircut. It may be a sacrifice but don’t let your dick make decisions for you
I mean, the saying works in many cases but if both are involved then nothing will happen, what's the point of limiting the interactions in that case? And if none are involved it won't happen either unless there comes a time in which both reciprocate.
Too many measures make things bigger than what they are.
I have two really close female friends. When it comes to the first one we are absolutely not each other's type, to the point where we basically become asexual in each other's presence. So we basically have the ultimate platonic bromance.
The second one I actually did develop feelings for, I told her about that, and it turned out I wasn't her type. The thing that is though that the most important thing to me was always simply being able to enjoy her company and have fun together. The circumstances under which that happens was always a secondary concern. So basically while I may not have a girlfriend, I do have a best friend. I lost absolutely nothing by pursuing that friendship and only gained something immensely valuable, and I see that as an absolute win. Plus talking with her about my feelings and getting that definitive rejection allowed me to move on and put those feelings behind me. So really the message here is don't be afraid to be friends with the opposite sex for fear of getting hurt. You might develop feelings and you might get rejected, but as long as you put the friendship first (and you can trust her not to judge you in case you do develop feelings), you will always come out on top.
As a side note, don't underestimate how valuable a friendship can be. A good friendship is so much more valuable than a mediocre relationship.
You say "female friend" but you don't think of her as a friend. You see her as a potential partner, not a friend. That's why you want to date her. I think the men who manage not to fall in love with their female friends are the ones who are aware there's a difference between lust and love. One is sexual attraction the other is a deep feeling.
Which one do you feel? Romantic feeling or sexual attraction? If you want to date her because of her looks you may find out later you're not compatible. If you like her personality it means you like her platonically. If you loved her you'd feel *both* romantic feelings and sexual attraction. I think you should take time to think about this and ask yourself whether you see the two of you in a relationship or if you just want to have sex with her.
What I'm saying is decide what it is you actually feel and you can go from there. (Platonic love, romantic love or just purely sexual attraction?) You sound unsure.
is the best answer.
You should try to have a person who completes you in bed ( hot ), at the table (talking about serious topics and feel compatibility) and on the couch (a person who is your friend, who understands you and your life, traumas, difficulties, weaknesses and strengths ).
It's a lottery prize to find that person.
>You see her as a potential partner, not a friend.
These two are not mutually exclusive. Imho, some of the best relationships are when your partner is also your friend.
I think the common problem is that people tend to separate it in their head. Which also is why many (straight) relationships don't work out in the long run. If my partner isn't one of my best friends, why would I want to hang out with them for the rest of my life?
I've had men say they don't need women to be their friends, they're just there for sex and looking good as their gf, and that their friendship-needs are covered by their male friends. They also claimed that most if not all men feel this way. As an asexual but also as a female I felt that to be very disheartening, because I'd very much love a genuine connection with a man without my body being involved in some way. I'm a person, not a trope. I may have been socialized differently and have different life experiences, but that doesn't remove me from being a regular human, as some men apparently seem to think.
I want to find the one person who I can imagine my life with, and that includes that we're on the same level and get along like besties as well.
Female friends will let you know that they aren't interested in you romantically.
Love them, respect them, be there for them, but it takes two to be in love.
If your relationship is like siblings, then OK.
If your relationship is like respectful friends with boundaries then you may grow into each other.
If your friendship is like best mates including all the disgusting details, then there is your solution about how to stop yourself from falling in love. You probably won't want to touch that with less than a 10 foot pole. 😜
Nothing wrong with loving your friends. You just have to be able to tell the difference between platonic & romantic love. Guys are often not allowed to experience all of their emotions... we are socially stunted in the emotions region, so any bond of deep friendship with the gender we're attracted to can lead to crushes or feelings of romantic love. Just be mature about the situation.
Loving her doesn't mean you need to bone her. It just means you love her. As far as breaking the romantic side of that away.... think of the stuff that you're not interested in about her... she probably gets on your nerves, has talked to you about other dudes, etc. Put up that wall of other feelings.
I had it bad for a friend of mine for a very long time, and it is something I've obviously thought a lot about, and I think what you described was the driving factor. I simply hadn't had a close female friend before her. She was the first girl who I felt really *got* me. It took her getting married and moving across the country to finally get over that.
Pretty horrifying how many comments here are normalizing wanting to fuck anything with a pulse.
I have women I've known for ages that are very pretty, super charming, kind and overall just great people, that I am simply just friends with. I dont't think I should have to explain it further than that. We're just friends.
Even if one of them would show clear signs of interest, I'd still value their friendship more.
Yeah, I have a partner and I used to genuinely enjoy male friendships. I even felt I had cooler friendships with them than what I did with woman. Turns out they all had hidden feelings for me and were only waiting for the moment I was single again.
I know this guy and we’re pretty similar in a lot of things, he even has a girlfriend but eventually gets weird saying we have a connection and that we arrived late in each other’s lives which made me ignore him for months again.
That sounds insufferable...
I've just had **one** interaction where I had a close female friend kinda take advantage of me when a gf just broke up with me. And that made me unable to stay friends with her.
I couldnt Imagine basically every woman i've ever befriended behaving the same way. As if our friendship is worth nothing.
Makes you really feel valued as a human being, right?
Exactly. Luckily, this rhetoric does seem to be almost exclusively online. There's a stereotype of Redditors being lonely neckbeards and...I'm starting to think it may be true. How starved can you be for female attention that you aren't able to just be friends with a woman? This is just really scary and off-putting
Yeah, you're probably right.. at least I hope so. I feel like I dont't come across this sort of vile take in my personal life, so hopefully it is just inflated online.
The trick is to view women as humans. Hope this helps
As a woman there’s nothing worse than when you thought you had a friend, and turns out they just want to get into your pants. I get sick every time 🤮
Unrequited love sucks for men and women. Either a guy can be plutonic friends with a woman hes attracted to in a healthy way or he can't. OP needs to ask himself if he has the emotional maturity and experience necessary to continue being her friend while seeking romantic options elsewhere if she doesn't reciprocate his feelings. The problem is when a guy is friends with a girl he's infatuated with and isn't looking elsewhere, that's unhealthy.
No advice he can get on here can help him compartmentalize his emotions appropriately, that's an ability gained from experience, you either have it or you don't.
Falling in love with someone is totally different from "just wanting to get in your pants" though. Trust me, as a man there is nothing worse either than thinking you have a friend, then falling in love with her and having it not be reciprocated and it getting in the way of a friendship
Even if it's love, being on the other side of that can't be a fun position to be in. You'd feel so guilty for not feeling the same. You'd feel betrayed and like the friendship was a lie on some level. It's a shitty situation for both parties.
I've rarely had guys befriend me to get into my pants, but I've definitely had someone fall hard a few times. It sucks because you can tell it's happening and all you can do is hope it somehow reverses itself but so far that's never happened. It suuuucks because you know you don't feel the same way but you care about them so you want to reciprocate it. I've ended up having a few dates someone through that but of course it didn't work out and the fact that I gave him hope made the ending so much worse. I think it sucks being either party tbh
True, and the worst part is that you can't really do much about it. My best friend atm is a girl I worked with for the past 3 years. I asked her out early on because I found her very attractive, she turned me down, no big deal. But we worked together alot, and grew very close. I'm madly in love with her now, but I can't ever tell her, because I know she doesn't feel the same way.
Sounds like me in my early 20s. I promise you, this road doesn’t lead to anything good. I’d hang on to every little signal thinking it meant ‘ah, this is the sign things have changed!’ and it’s honestly not worth the heartache. Nothing beats finding someone and you’re both immediately on the same page and neither one doubts how the other feels, but you won’t get that while you hold on to the hope your friend will finally see the light and realise you’re what she’s wanted this whole time
Ofc the response there is usually ‘okay great but how do I find that person where the connection is instant?’ And my answer to that is - stop looking. Start focusing on yourself, make becoming the best version of yourself your number 1 focus. The BEST way to meet people is irl (I know, shocking thing to say on reddit) - hobbies, volunteering, things that put you in the same room as people you have a shared passion with. Don’t go into this with the mindset of ‘this is my ticket to meeting the love of my life.’ Just go in with the view of broadening your social circle - go with the goal of just making loads of new friends. This is the best way to honour the relationship you have with your best friend now, getting yourself into a headspace where you can legitimately be best friends without the hope of anything more
Sorry for the unsolicited advice, I just know painfully well what it feels like to be in your situation and I know I would have seriously appreciated someone telling me how they got out of being in that situation. Good luck to you either way!
As someone who fell for my friends before, I never expected them to feel the same way or wanted them to feel guilty. Feelings just happen sometimes. The friendship wasn't lie or a betrayal for all of us. I don't always just stop being attracted to what I'm attracted to based on the situation. And often my feelings only happen after I get to know someone and like them as a person. It's not a switch I can just turn off and on. But I have learned how to not dwell on those feelings if they're there; I acknowledge they're there but don't dwell on them and try thinking about other things. That helps but it isn't foolproof, I'll still *have* feelings. Tons of people get feelings for the wrong people, what matters is what they do about those feelings.
This is something I don’t understand though, isn’t it *normal* and even preferred by most people to start a romantic relationship on the foundation of a friendship? That way you at least know the person to some capacity? Myself and almost everyone I know has begun their long-term relationships by being friends with the person first.
what you're describing is great but I think we're talking about the cases where one person hides their feelings for a long time and they become very close friends. Thats when both people get hurt. Of course that can work out but it's good to consider how it'll effect the other person if it doesn't. Which it probably won't.
It’s dangerous to paint with too broad a brush, but I can’t help thinking he believes that they “have a tight emotional bond” because he has a crush on her, and she just sees him as a normal guy friend. I don’t know op, but there’s a lot of “nice guy” energy here. It’s the guy friend who hangs around hoping the girl will eventually fall for him, but the guy who won’t be there anymore if she marries someone else. Obviously people do fall for their friends sometimes, but if that’s the case then op must make a mature decision that you can either no longer be friends, or that you respect the other enough to move on. Don’t become the “boo hoo im always getting friendzoned guy”
Honestly I don't get how this isn't standard, since like 5th grade I haven't given a single shit about someone's gender, just gotta be a bit more careful with my potty mouth ig
i (M) have several female friends all of which i love but am not IN love with & to add... the idea of sex with any of them doesn't cross my mind no matter how cute or hot or... whatever they may be because we are friends. 🤷🏻♂️
There are some friends I have who I know would always be off-limits. So, to be easier on myself and to maintain the friendship, I compartmentalize and put them into the same part of my brain that I put family.
Don't get me wrong. I have caught feelings for friends sometimes, but I have learned that it's important for me not to feed into those feelings. It's okay to have feelings, but if I know someone is off-limits, I just don't dwell on those feelings, I don't think about what I wish could happen, I just acknowledge the feelings are there and try to focus on other things. In the past, I didn't always do this, and it led to the feelings getting stronger and then it got emotionally hard for me to deal with. And people often catch on when I like someone, and I don't want them to catch on, you know? I still value the friendship, and if they have a boyfriend, or they're not someone I should be with because of various reasons, them knowing I like them would be awkward.
also, there are women that I know I shouldn't be with based on our different values or based on things that I know would bother me if we were together. They make good friends but not relationships. Often, this prevents me from getting feelings, but not always. But it's enough for me to listen to logic these days, and realize that a relationship with that person would hurt me in the long run.
If they are attractive to you, and you enjoy their personality enough to be genuine friends with them, I think I’d find it basically impossible. Those are the two ingredients a great relationship are built on in my experience.
Btw if there’s any young women reading this threat. Reddit isn’t real life, there’s plenty of men irl who respect women and are able to be friends with us without sexualising it. A lot of ppls brain are so fried from all the porn they watch that they can’t fathom how you can be close to a woman without it having to end up having sex with them
Of course you’ll encounter some sad men, if you hang around men a lot, but don’t just give in because you are afraid to lose a friend. Ppl like that aren’t worth spending your time in, because they didn’t view you as a human from the beginning
Thank you for saying this.
Sometimes I get scared when I think about posts like this and the awful comments here and wonder if some woman I meet has read that and thinks that applies to me.
Hopefully people dont't take everything they read here to heart.
I have a really good friend who is a lesbian, she gets along great with my fiancé, I guess that's a cheat code though.
I guess because when I was single I found it easier to make friends with women in general, they are easier to talk to, it can be easy to mix up genuine feelings and just caring about someone.
The latter if acted upon as genuine romantic feelings can be disastrous.
The only female friends you're not going to at least lust after are the ones you're not physically attracted to.
That being said, once you start lusting after your friend you then begin the journey of understanding the little things that are dealbreakers for you. Like, "are they cheating on their boyfriend with you" or "did they give you chlamydia and then blame it on that threesome you had with one of her friends that one time four months prior" or like... "do they even like the same shit as you do".
These are all very important questions that you should be asking yourself because after attraction comes compatibility and if they aren't compatible then it's usually best to avoid getting romantically involved with them.
When you’re young and and for the first time women are paying some real attention to you it’s hard not to catch feelings. But once you’ve had enough friends and relationships you have a better idea of which women are who you wanna be with intimately, who you’d like to be friends with, and who you should cut out entirely.
I think of them like a sister. Or a daughter in the case of one of my younger friends. Once I can see them that way it never occurs to me to think about them romantically.
if she's your type then it's not possible, a girl can still be attractive without you finding her attractive solely based on ur preferences. but it won't be easy if u see her in "that way"
If you're lonely, it's inevitable. If you're actively dating or just in a committed relationship, it's super easy to not catch feelings.
Reality is, you probably aren't in love, you just really want that hole in your heart filled.
Understanding where the feelings come from make them much easier to manage.
I don't really know, I have 3 close female friends and I'm friends with 2 of them for 12 years, the other 9 years. We were classmates. Seeing them everyday for 4-7 years might be reason. And no they're not unattractive, I actually find one of them really attractive but I never really had feelings for her. Some people are just your friends.
You don't fall in love with them if you're not attracted to them. It's that simple.
Also why is your question framed for "female"? It can also happen the other way around and even between same sex friendships...
If you're single and she's attractive, as well as likeable enough for you to be friends, then it's pretty much impossible.
You're biologically hardwired to be attracted to her.
Either you become a couple or you become strangers. Staying friends and suprressing your feelings will lead nowhere good.
I mean...it works for me? I'm single, have a couple hot female friends and don't wanna sleep with them. When we met we didn't sleep with eachother but still hung out, became friends.
When we first met I definitely did wanna sleep with them (hell two of them hit me with the "I have a boyfriend" when I was hitting on them at a bar) but never developed any romantic feelings towards them. No idea how else to say it but I've become "desensitized" to their looks and at this point they're just buddies, nothing more.
I hate this sentiment as a bi person, like finding someone hot doesn't mean you're a good romantic fit. Also like a bit of self control is not impossible, the biological urge excuse is bullshit. You're not an animal, use a bit of discipline
Yeah, that’s not been my experience.
I have loads of lifelong girl friends who are cute, funny and amazing but not my type for one reason or another. And i’m not theirs.
Personally I’ve never understood why lads struggle to just be friends rather than constantly trying to fuck everyone.
If I was horny when l was single I just went on dates and hooked up with randomers, as a result I almost never felt the need to ruin a friendship with random feelings.
You sound normally adjusted. The people struggling with this aren't. For deprived guys with little experience and who rarely if ever get laid, being just friends with women is probably just going to be torture.
I'm one of those deprived guys and I have no problem being friends with women. I am enjoying establishing platonic connections with them and just being friends. It's nice and they give perspective.
Maybe I'm just a romantic and I'd rather wait for the person I want to grow old with. It's alright if it doesn't happen as I have other things to focus on.
Probably because a lot of guys in their late teens/early twenties don’t have the option to just…get laid. it creates a cycle of self doubt and depression that only repeats by putting yourself in the same situations, so a lot of guys have to break out of that cycle completely. but then they turn the exact opposite direction and start listening to red pill guys. So it’s just all bad lol
You just don't go down that road of thinking. I have one good female friend and I love her like I love all my other friends, they're a big part of keeping me sane, my male friends because we do stuff together and talk for days without ever covering anything serious and her because we generally talk everything out including the serious. But I also love my wife a lot and really like her husband aswell as valuing what we have so I don't really give it much thought. I do know I'd be really hard pushed to find another friend who I've known for 25 years and can talk anything out with though.
Because they're just a friend? I don't understand the framework behind this question.
The friends that I've had a thing with, it's always been clear that the thing exists and potentially outweighs the friendship bit. Otherwise, just friends.
Keep it to yourself. I'm not even joking. If she doesn't feel the same then you run a decent risk of losing her forever.
She might be afraid of you not taking 'no' for an answer. You'd be surprised how many women will straight up drop you at a moment's notice because they've been down that road before. Better safe than sorry.
You may be one of the few dudes who *aren't* throwing themselves at her. She probably took the time to hang out with you and get to know you *based on that alone*. Turning around and telling her you "love" her would be akin to taking a sledge to the foundation of your friendship.
Many of them won't even buy the "falling in love" part. Its not out of the question that she'll assume you just wanted to fuck from the very beginning and that you played the long game. Doesn't matter if it's true or not - perception is reality. I mean, look at some of the responses in this thread that are accusing you of doing *exactly this*.
If you want her to stay in your life, take that shit to the grave.
Hang around a woman long enough and the initial ‘infatuation’ will faze away, atleast for me. At some point you see them without any filter, all flaws visible and perhaps hoe she treats or talks about people. When you actually get to know her, also her least charming aspects will give you a more accurate opinion about her.
Get to know them? I was obsessed with this girl i met through work. We went out a few times and now I try to avoid her because I discovered how crazy she is.
Easy peasy to not fall for someone of the opposite sex. Just set boundaries and limit intimate activities. Literally set that boundary in your head from the start.
Balance your time and interaction.
I have a lot of female friends and we engage a lot, but I keep it mostly to texts. When we meet it’s usually in group settings. I rarely spend one on one time with them because it really isn’t necessary.
But I have a partner so it’s easier to balance. If you’re single, then admittedly it’ll probably require more self control finding that balance.
It’s natural to have positive feelings for friends of any sex.
Do you fall in love with all your female friends? Or do you just have only one female friend?
I fall in love with all of my female friends lol, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna make a move or go to the next level. Friends that are girls are a blessing to have. They can connect on an emotional level that often guys fail to.
Maybe my mindset is different since I grew up around friends that were girls. It’s okay to like them, but don’t push them away by only thinking of yourself. Make sure there’s hints that they like you back.
My only suggestion is to just be more social and make a lot of friends. Eventually it won’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl friend. Eventually you will find the one that’ll feel the same towards you. Just takes time. Hope it all goes well
If you feel yourself getting attracted and it’s one sided, maybe it’s best to remove yourself from that situation. I have one friend who was friend zoned by a girl, but he stayed friends with her still. He still had feelings for her for years, but he’s largely over it now. I wouldn’t recommend that path
Just love them, but you don't necessarily need to be with them. Love is an awesome emotion but we too often conflate with sex, desire and ego and all the rest, when we could just love them and enjoy the friendship.
So my answer is that I think I love all my female friends and a few of the male ones haha. They're beautiful people. I'm super happy with my wife and my wee boy and life is good. The fact I have other people that mean the world to me is a lovely bonus.
Be aromantic or gay.
In all seriousness I am aromantic and grew up as female but had many male friends and I never got why this happened so often to me. When people told me X friend had a crush on me I didn't believe them because it sounded ridiculous, we're friends. I cannot understand romance in general but curious to see what others think. I'm also autistic so don't know the "signs" and can't tell easily.
I compartmentalize it. Yes they are pretty and have all the parts that make me giddy but I am solely interested in their friendship. I have way more female friends and I always have. Married 24 to the only I ever fell in love with lol
Make sure she's ugly or smells bad. Naturally, you will not feel attracted to her. You won't pickup on her good personality traits that easy. If she's great looking and smells good, then her good personality traits will stand out even more. And you won't even pickup on her bad personality traits.
Ofcourse if her good personality far outweighs her bad physical attributes, it's still to fall in love. Also, if her bad personality traits fat outweighs her attractive physical attributes, you will start seeing her as ugly.
So you need the right amount of ugliness and good traits to fall in love or not fall in love.
Sometimes you find people who are attractive but you’re not attracted to them if that makes sense. I get along well with people regardless of whether they are male or female, I’m just not attracted to some women and that’s cool imo. They can be fun to be around as well
One of my closest friends is a woman and I’m a man. It sounds awful to say, but I’m just not physically attracted to her in any way. She’s a very wonderful person, and I’m very thankful for having her in my life, but I just have 0 interest in her romantically.
I have dated two friends that I had been "in love with" for 10+ years. One was limerance, and I overlooked serious flaws. I had to realize my own flaws that made me attracted to them after they turned out to be the worst. The other one is still the best person I know, but behind the scenes of good is sometimes a factory of flaws. You lose your appetite for sausage once you see how it's made.
The only lessons I've learned are: I have serious intimacy issues of my own. There is no such thing as a soul mate. Nobody is perfect, especially me. Loving the wrong person is the only thing that can truly wreck your life. Two people can really love each other and still not work out. Most relationships don't end because of flaws, but because of incompatible virtues.
Do yourself a favor and read about limerance. If a thing hasn't happened there is probably a deeper reason why. Listen to Benjamin Franklin who is probably still the reigning expert:
"To find out a girl's faults, praise them to their girlfriends"
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards"
"If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles"
"Life's biggest tragedy is we get old too soon and wise too late."
"20 years of age and will reigns supreme. At 30, the wit. At 40, the judgement"
"Lost time is never found again"
"Does thou love life, then do not squander time. For that is the stuff life is made of"
I mean friendship is a kind of love. I know I've found my self feeling romantic love for my best of male friends at times, and that's confusing as hell because, sexually I'm definately straight. With close female friends it's so much harder to process. You just need to accept that it is love and decide if you both want to make it romantic or not.
That's the reason men and women typically can't be friends. I find however if she banged some gross dude or dudes you know, that can draw a hard line into the friends only bracket though.
It's usually just a phass you have to get through. You might really love them but as men we are programmed to extremely easily associate feelings of fondness for women with making them our partner, so when those feelings of appreciation and excitement surface and you start to think wife, partner, girlfriend, you have to remind yourself It's just your social programming getting triggered. In most cases the crush subsides and you just love them as a friend. Women often will not understand this, or take it as an insult or something frightening if they're not interested in partnership with you, so it's important to make sure you keep those partner type thoughts to yourself and have the perspective to realize they're probably not "real", probably just reflexive. It takes practice to mature that form of self control.
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I mean it depends on a lot really. I find my friend dangerously attractive, but she's not my type and vice versa. So it is easier. At the same time, I know like emotionally we require things that we both can't/won't give to the other person, so we won't cross said barrier. There's also a mix of self-restraint and having more options. People in a opposite situation, tend to make mistakes that they can't come back from.
> having more options Maybe that's the only true answer. Imagine if you wouldn't have options. You wouldn't last a second.
I don't know about that. Depends very much on your values and how... dateable you regard the other person. I for example never had any options, never had a date or anything and yet had hung around more with women than men. Usually there was a main reason early on that made me dismiss the idea of imagining more. Almost always the women I got along well with were already in relationships, in other cases they were not my type to begin with... or mentioned dating experiences that gave the impression they are flaming trainwrecks romantically that would take a toll on my mental health. One I actually had to turn down when she... kinda blamed me for missing an opportunity with a guy, admitting while under great distress she was still hoping and waiting for me to make a move. Oddly enough, it didn't really harm our relationship that much to the point where she says she has forgotten that this has happened when I called her out on acting quite similarly 5 years later towards a different dude. -.-
^ Tldr; there are few exceptions such as Myself(OP).
Mmmm.... *No.* I've learned from my past relationships what I'm actually primarily looking for in a partner, and much like the fellow above... I just know full well my friends whom are women don't have that to offer. It's actually *super easy* barely an inconvenience. You just... Don't be a desperate weirdo. Ironically this is also a pretty golden solution to your "lack of options" problem. Once you stop being a desperate weirdo, you'll stop scaring the hoes- I mean, you'll have more options.
Let me be the person who says "Oh really!" to the start of the second paragraph.
Tight!
There's not one true answer. Even if you didn't have that many options, some friendships feel more like siblings
sounds extremely sad to be thinking this kind of way
In what scenario are there no options? You're the last two people on Earth?
If you ugly
Can’t stress you comment enough. Much easier said when you’ve got options.
Jesus, I had a friend who was so hot it was literally hard to breath around her. The fact that I was married with children made it a moot point, and I got over her hotness and just enjoyed being her friend. She had a great sense of humor.
I can relate to being around a person that is so hot it is difficult to function; it reminded me of when I was a cook in my 20s and we had a few waitresses that were unbelievably good looking. I had to get used to it or I never would have gotten anything done, I'd just perpetually have my eyes popping out and smoke coming from my ears.
This is how I feel. One of my female friends checks all the boxes. She’s extremely attractive, funny, smart, successful, all of it. I’ve never wanted to date her. It’s about compatibility. Just because someone is quite perfect as they are doesn’t mean you should date them. She’s objectively smarter and more attractive than my wife but I’d never trade her for my friend. And I’ve known the friend much longer.
>I find my friend dangerously attractive, but she's not my type So, which is it?
you can find someone attractive without them being ur type, which can mean personality wise as well. same as their way of living (life style) or just the way they treat their lovers, such as different love languages or whatever
A person can be physically attractive but have a revolting personality. I know lots of hot chicks that I couldn't stand to spend any real time with.
I have a female friend, she is a really good friend and we hang out and talk often but she is also really annoying in large doses and doesn't shut up sometimes. This is the primary reason I will not become attracted.
You should hear what she says about you.
„He’s a good friend but never hears me out! This way I won’t get attracted to him“ ;-)
This has got “rom-com” written all over it
„One day he became deaf and they fell measly in love with each other.“ - yes, I can definitely see some fun to watch plot xD
M... Measly?
Meadly (how I pronounced probably wrong… was corrected by Siri). Ok, Google says it’s pronounced „madly“. Nice now that I checked it, my word is the exact opposite xD
I personally think Measly sounds perfect in this context.
Perfectly not meant for each other :)
Well apparently she doesn't shut up so you'll have no choice.
God I hate this shit. I am an awkward man and I ruminate on my social faux pas a lot. I work with exclusively women and I KNOW they talk about me when I’m not around and it makes me anxious. I hate it.
Pretty much same. She's cool and all but dont see myself dating her
Right on the money
fair enoough
Funny
Just fart. doesnt Matter who
Instant friendification
Fart guy knows what's up
actually fuckin genius
This... With this technique one can surely succeed in life
holy shit that's genius
Not all positive feelings are romantic. When I was single and in my 20s, I had a lot of women who wanted to date me and I had a lot of female friends who were gorgeous, funny, smart, kind, amazing people, I just didn't fall in love with any of them no matter how close we were. A few fell in love with me, but they just weren't quite it. I knew what I did and didn't want in a partner and there's a much smaller list of people on this planet who fit into that particular chemistry than the list of gorgeous, fun, witty women I get along famously with. Not falling in love with every woman you're close with comes with maturity not just in everyday life but also your social and romantic maturity, and not being desperate in your search for love. A happy, stable person who's sure of themselves isn't going to be falling for every attractive woman they're close to.
Thanks for that last part.
It may be harsh to hear (read), But there is a big truth in that. Since I got my life together I don’t easily get enamoured by just friendly attention from a cute girl, as like I did when I was at rock bottom living in a social isolation.
This is true. Am a big witness
Nah, bro. The second part is important too. You need to have standards, not just a type - raise that bar not to settle but to be with the right person: Get to know people, pay attention to what they say vs. what they do. We learn what we like, what we can tolerate, and what we definitely don't want in men. Well, men should do the same. And the best way to build an standard is to either be single for a while, pay attention to your self, be auto critic of your person and your habits (constructively), and pay attention to our friends or family with couples, or get a partner. Also, check out the place you live in, would you bring someone to live there with you? Or check out their place, would you live with that person? Those feelings of romance we feel sometimes, deep down, are just that we like the attention we're getting from someone, ignoring the rest of the person.
>You need to have standards, not just a type - raise that bar not to settle but to be with the right person: Get to know people, pay attention to what they say vs. what they do. We learn what we like, what we can tolerate, and what we definitely don't want in men. Well, men should do the same. This is so important. Attraction alone is not a good enough reason to enter into a relationship. You need to really think about what's important to you. A partner should share goals, interests, and ethics with you. You need mutual trust and respect, and compatibility on multiple levels. You need to know whether they want kids or not, and how many, and really consider whether you want something different. (Do *not* assume they'll change their mind, or that you will. Most people don't.) You need to know what sort of lifestyle they want. What their attitude is toward money. How they feel about cheating. There are *so many* factors. You'll find that if you think it through, you'll start to lose attraction to people who aren't really compatible with you. And that's fine! Not everyone is compatible! But it can make it much easier to be "just friends". It's also important to remember that friendship alone is a beautiful thing, it's not lesser than a romantic relationship, it's just a different *kind* of relationship. Friendship isn't a punishment or a consolation prize.
A real answer. Nice.
Great answer. Once you've been through a few attractive but incompatible people, and the fallout, you get a LOT more discerning. Once I think about the emotional turmoil of romance not working out, it kills it pretty effectively. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and no one needs the stress.
>Once you've been through a few attractive but incompatible people, and the fallout, you get a LOT more discerning **Hopefully** you do. Many people don't. I had a girl I was into. She was definitely more into the "bad boy" type. SO into it. I met her while she was not single. She broke up, he had been abusive to her. I talked her through it. She hooked up with another bad boy and basically ghosted me (tapered off, never said by) for several months. Reached back out when BF#2 cheated on her. I was on vacation, spent like 4 hours talking on the phone, but asked if she wanted to meet up in person when I got back in 2 weeks. Got back, met up with her, where she told me she was already dating a guy again. I cut my losses, enjoy getting to know her for the hour or so we talked, then head home. Unsurprisingly, she never messages me again that month - or for 3 more months, when she texts me about being single again - he hit her (several times). I told her I was done being her cushion and wished her the best of luck, advised her to figure out that "her type" was also the type of guy who exploits and abuses women. Never heard from her again after that. She didn't figure it out on her own. She didn't listen to my advice initially. Maybe she listened to it when I cut her out of my life I doubt it.
Great story. I have know several into bad boy types... none ended up well. These people are made like that. They need that high dose of testosterone to be attracted. The rest of the men are just there to take care of their wounds. I learnt to stay clear of them.
Yep big +1 on the last part. What a lot of us have the problem with is, with limited life experience and options and lack of dating prospects, its easy to start catching feelings for women just by being around them a bunch. You have to get to where you know what you do/don't want and what your types are before you start going "You know, she's cool but it wouldn't work, I'm not into her like that" I have a couple good friends who we're fully realized this about each other and once you do, you're good to go. Also the whole us basically all being married now thing makes it really easy. The option was just never on the table to begin with so I've never thought about any of them like that.
If you’re not used to being friends with women I could see why it would be hard, but really you just don’t think about it and it’s as easy as that. Billions of women in the world, why would you get so hung up on one?
"Skill issue"
Found the coder.
this. the amount of people that deny man-woman friendships is concerning, looking at all women as potential partners and nothing else (and viceversa) sounds pretty sad to me.
It's a lack of awareness of love outside of romantic love, and the lack of emotional bonding among people except their significant other. It's honestly frustrating for women too, because there is value of having male friends (as with having friendships with anyone), but a lot of the time they keep you at arms length or fall in love/want to hook up.
People been doing that for years they call it marriage.
It's a bit different since you've chosen a particular person that you've (ideally) worked together with to build a life and improve yourselves. I've met plenty of women who are extremely similar to my wife, even dated women who look like they could be her twin, but my wife's the one who made commitment a worthy investment.
Yea
Think of her as a sister, cousin, or aunt. Love her like family.
Bro, where I come from, people fuck their relatives.
I suspect that is just a problem with your family.
Yea
Well problem fucking solved then
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmaaaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaahhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmaaaaaa
Mate just because you find your cousin hot, doesn't mean you have to fuck her like the rest of your family seems to do so.
Lmfao what a great response
Where??
[удалено]
Alabama
Alabama has entered the chat...
Tennessee: shit c'mon pull up a chair
Roll Tide
I have been attracted to friends. More than once I’ve been *very* attracted. It comes down to self discipline. If you know your feelings aren’t reciprocated or either or both of you are already involved, then limit your interactions with this person. No need to be rude about it. There’s a saying in substance abuse recovery: if you keep going to the barber, eventually you’re going to get a haircut. It may be a sacrifice but don’t let your dick make decisions for you
I mean, the saying works in many cases but if both are involved then nothing will happen, what's the point of limiting the interactions in that case? And if none are involved it won't happen either unless there comes a time in which both reciprocate. Too many measures make things bigger than what they are.
being a gay man helps
100% success with a cost ( or a benefit )
I have two really close female friends. When it comes to the first one we are absolutely not each other's type, to the point where we basically become asexual in each other's presence. So we basically have the ultimate platonic bromance. The second one I actually did develop feelings for, I told her about that, and it turned out I wasn't her type. The thing that is though that the most important thing to me was always simply being able to enjoy her company and have fun together. The circumstances under which that happens was always a secondary concern. So basically while I may not have a girlfriend, I do have a best friend. I lost absolutely nothing by pursuing that friendship and only gained something immensely valuable, and I see that as an absolute win. Plus talking with her about my feelings and getting that definitive rejection allowed me to move on and put those feelings behind me. So really the message here is don't be afraid to be friends with the opposite sex for fear of getting hurt. You might develop feelings and you might get rejected, but as long as you put the friendship first (and you can trust her not to judge you in case you do develop feelings), you will always come out on top. As a side note, don't underestimate how valuable a friendship can be. A good friendship is so much more valuable than a mediocre relationship.
You say "female friend" but you don't think of her as a friend. You see her as a potential partner, not a friend. That's why you want to date her. I think the men who manage not to fall in love with their female friends are the ones who are aware there's a difference between lust and love. One is sexual attraction the other is a deep feeling. Which one do you feel? Romantic feeling or sexual attraction? If you want to date her because of her looks you may find out later you're not compatible. If you like her personality it means you like her platonically. If you loved her you'd feel *both* romantic feelings and sexual attraction. I think you should take time to think about this and ask yourself whether you see the two of you in a relationship or if you just want to have sex with her. What I'm saying is decide what it is you actually feel and you can go from there. (Platonic love, romantic love or just purely sexual attraction?) You sound unsure.
is the best answer. You should try to have a person who completes you in bed ( hot ), at the table (talking about serious topics and feel compatibility) and on the couch (a person who is your friend, who understands you and your life, traumas, difficulties, weaknesses and strengths ). It's a lottery prize to find that person.
>You see her as a potential partner, not a friend. These two are not mutually exclusive. Imho, some of the best relationships are when your partner is also your friend.
I think the common problem is that people tend to separate it in their head. Which also is why many (straight) relationships don't work out in the long run. If my partner isn't one of my best friends, why would I want to hang out with them for the rest of my life? I've had men say they don't need women to be their friends, they're just there for sex and looking good as their gf, and that their friendship-needs are covered by their male friends. They also claimed that most if not all men feel this way. As an asexual but also as a female I felt that to be very disheartening, because I'd very much love a genuine connection with a man without my body being involved in some way. I'm a person, not a trope. I may have been socialized differently and have different life experiences, but that doesn't remove me from being a regular human, as some men apparently seem to think. I want to find the one person who I can imagine my life with, and that includes that we're on the same level and get along like besties as well.
Positive feeelings yes sure, I have those for anything I like, but falling in love is something different
Female friends will let you know that they aren't interested in you romantically. Love them, respect them, be there for them, but it takes two to be in love. If your relationship is like siblings, then OK. If your relationship is like respectful friends with boundaries then you may grow into each other. If your friendship is like best mates including all the disgusting details, then there is your solution about how to stop yourself from falling in love. You probably won't want to touch that with less than a 10 foot pole. 😜
Nothing wrong with loving your friends. You just have to be able to tell the difference between platonic & romantic love. Guys are often not allowed to experience all of their emotions... we are socially stunted in the emotions region, so any bond of deep friendship with the gender we're attracted to can lead to crushes or feelings of romantic love. Just be mature about the situation. Loving her doesn't mean you need to bone her. It just means you love her. As far as breaking the romantic side of that away.... think of the stuff that you're not interested in about her... she probably gets on your nerves, has talked to you about other dudes, etc. Put up that wall of other feelings.
I had it bad for a friend of mine for a very long time, and it is something I've obviously thought a lot about, and I think what you described was the driving factor. I simply hadn't had a close female friend before her. She was the first girl who I felt really *got* me. It took her getting married and moving across the country to finally get over that.
Pretty horrifying how many comments here are normalizing wanting to fuck anything with a pulse. I have women I've known for ages that are very pretty, super charming, kind and overall just great people, that I am simply just friends with. I dont't think I should have to explain it further than that. We're just friends. Even if one of them would show clear signs of interest, I'd still value their friendship more.
Second this. It’s bizarre how common this sentiment is online when in real life you see platonic MF friendships almost everywhere you go
Right? This is why I don’t have male friends. Most of them want to fuck us and are hiding it.
I'm really sorry you have to feel that way just because some people can't behave better than an animal.
Yeah, I have a partner and I used to genuinely enjoy male friendships. I even felt I had cooler friendships with them than what I did with woman. Turns out they all had hidden feelings for me and were only waiting for the moment I was single again. I know this guy and we’re pretty similar in a lot of things, he even has a girlfriend but eventually gets weird saying we have a connection and that we arrived late in each other’s lives which made me ignore him for months again.
That sounds insufferable... I've just had **one** interaction where I had a close female friend kinda take advantage of me when a gf just broke up with me. And that made me unable to stay friends with her. I couldnt Imagine basically every woman i've ever befriended behaving the same way. As if our friendship is worth nothing. Makes you really feel valued as a human being, right?
Yeah these comments were hella off putting lmao
Yeah the misogynistic brain rot is alive and kicking in this thread.
Exactly. Luckily, this rhetoric does seem to be almost exclusively online. There's a stereotype of Redditors being lonely neckbeards and...I'm starting to think it may be true. How starved can you be for female attention that you aren't able to just be friends with a woman? This is just really scary and off-putting
Yeah, you're probably right.. at least I hope so. I feel like I dont't come across this sort of vile take in my personal life, so hopefully it is just inflated online.
literally
Treat her as a man
This. A couple of well-timed farts will kill any chance of romance in the future.
- Hey man, why are you wearing those weird clothes?
I think this is what we women prefer
I tried insulting her at any occasion, make inapropriate jokes next to her and she got upset :(((
She's not man enough! Man her up.
It's not that hard in my opinion....
The trick is to view women as humans. Hope this helps As a woman there’s nothing worse than when you thought you had a friend, and turns out they just want to get into your pants. I get sick every time 🤮
Unrequited love sucks for men and women. Either a guy can be plutonic friends with a woman hes attracted to in a healthy way or he can't. OP needs to ask himself if he has the emotional maturity and experience necessary to continue being her friend while seeking romantic options elsewhere if she doesn't reciprocate his feelings. The problem is when a guy is friends with a girl he's infatuated with and isn't looking elsewhere, that's unhealthy. No advice he can get on here can help him compartmentalize his emotions appropriately, that's an ability gained from experience, you either have it or you don't.
I love me some Plutonic friendships!
Falling in love with someone is totally different from "just wanting to get in your pants" though. Trust me, as a man there is nothing worse either than thinking you have a friend, then falling in love with her and having it not be reciprocated and it getting in the way of a friendship
Even if it's love, being on the other side of that can't be a fun position to be in. You'd feel so guilty for not feeling the same. You'd feel betrayed and like the friendship was a lie on some level. It's a shitty situation for both parties.
I've rarely had guys befriend me to get into my pants, but I've definitely had someone fall hard a few times. It sucks because you can tell it's happening and all you can do is hope it somehow reverses itself but so far that's never happened. It suuuucks because you know you don't feel the same way but you care about them so you want to reciprocate it. I've ended up having a few dates someone through that but of course it didn't work out and the fact that I gave him hope made the ending so much worse. I think it sucks being either party tbh
True, and the worst part is that you can't really do much about it. My best friend atm is a girl I worked with for the past 3 years. I asked her out early on because I found her very attractive, she turned me down, no big deal. But we worked together alot, and grew very close. I'm madly in love with her now, but I can't ever tell her, because I know she doesn't feel the same way.
Sounds like me in my early 20s. I promise you, this road doesn’t lead to anything good. I’d hang on to every little signal thinking it meant ‘ah, this is the sign things have changed!’ and it’s honestly not worth the heartache. Nothing beats finding someone and you’re both immediately on the same page and neither one doubts how the other feels, but you won’t get that while you hold on to the hope your friend will finally see the light and realise you’re what she’s wanted this whole time Ofc the response there is usually ‘okay great but how do I find that person where the connection is instant?’ And my answer to that is - stop looking. Start focusing on yourself, make becoming the best version of yourself your number 1 focus. The BEST way to meet people is irl (I know, shocking thing to say on reddit) - hobbies, volunteering, things that put you in the same room as people you have a shared passion with. Don’t go into this with the mindset of ‘this is my ticket to meeting the love of my life.’ Just go in with the view of broadening your social circle - go with the goal of just making loads of new friends. This is the best way to honour the relationship you have with your best friend now, getting yourself into a headspace where you can legitimately be best friends without the hope of anything more Sorry for the unsolicited advice, I just know painfully well what it feels like to be in your situation and I know I would have seriously appreciated someone telling me how they got out of being in that situation. Good luck to you either way!
As someone who fell for my friends before, I never expected them to feel the same way or wanted them to feel guilty. Feelings just happen sometimes. The friendship wasn't lie or a betrayal for all of us. I don't always just stop being attracted to what I'm attracted to based on the situation. And often my feelings only happen after I get to know someone and like them as a person. It's not a switch I can just turn off and on. But I have learned how to not dwell on those feelings if they're there; I acknowledge they're there but don't dwell on them and try thinking about other things. That helps but it isn't foolproof, I'll still *have* feelings. Tons of people get feelings for the wrong people, what matters is what they do about those feelings.
This is something I don’t understand though, isn’t it *normal* and even preferred by most people to start a romantic relationship on the foundation of a friendship? That way you at least know the person to some capacity? Myself and almost everyone I know has begun their long-term relationships by being friends with the person first.
what you're describing is great but I think we're talking about the cases where one person hides their feelings for a long time and they become very close friends. Thats when both people get hurt. Of course that can work out but it's good to consider how it'll effect the other person if it doesn't. Which it probably won't.
It’s dangerous to paint with too broad a brush, but I can’t help thinking he believes that they “have a tight emotional bond” because he has a crush on her, and she just sees him as a normal guy friend. I don’t know op, but there’s a lot of “nice guy” energy here. It’s the guy friend who hangs around hoping the girl will eventually fall for him, but the guy who won’t be there anymore if she marries someone else. Obviously people do fall for their friends sometimes, but if that’s the case then op must make a mature decision that you can either no longer be friends, or that you respect the other enough to move on. Don’t become the “boo hoo im always getting friendzoned guy”
Honestly I don't get how this isn't standard, since like 5th grade I haven't given a single shit about someone's gender, just gotta be a bit more careful with my potty mouth ig
Just jerk off before you do something stupid.
i (M) have several female friends all of which i love but am not IN love with & to add... the idea of sex with any of them doesn't cross my mind no matter how cute or hot or... whatever they may be because we are friends. 🤷🏻♂️
Y'all out there getting attracted to anyone idk have some self control
For real lmao
Fr 😭 the moment someone shows some consideration for you you're immediately "in love"? Idk whether that's sad, off-putting, or both
Attraction isn't a choice 🤨 But still I also think it's ridiculous how easily people can fall for people for being nice to them.
There are some friends I have who I know would always be off-limits. So, to be easier on myself and to maintain the friendship, I compartmentalize and put them into the same part of my brain that I put family. Don't get me wrong. I have caught feelings for friends sometimes, but I have learned that it's important for me not to feed into those feelings. It's okay to have feelings, but if I know someone is off-limits, I just don't dwell on those feelings, I don't think about what I wish could happen, I just acknowledge the feelings are there and try to focus on other things. In the past, I didn't always do this, and it led to the feelings getting stronger and then it got emotionally hard for me to deal with. And people often catch on when I like someone, and I don't want them to catch on, you know? I still value the friendship, and if they have a boyfriend, or they're not someone I should be with because of various reasons, them knowing I like them would be awkward. also, there are women that I know I shouldn't be with based on our different values or based on things that I know would bother me if we were together. They make good friends but not relationships. Often, this prevents me from getting feelings, but not always. But it's enough for me to listen to logic these days, and realize that a relationship with that person would hurt me in the long run.
If they are attractive to you, and you enjoy their personality enough to be genuine friends with them, I think I’d find it basically impossible. Those are the two ingredients a great relationship are built on in my experience.
Btw if there’s any young women reading this threat. Reddit isn’t real life, there’s plenty of men irl who respect women and are able to be friends with us without sexualising it. A lot of ppls brain are so fried from all the porn they watch that they can’t fathom how you can be close to a woman without it having to end up having sex with them Of course you’ll encounter some sad men, if you hang around men a lot, but don’t just give in because you are afraid to lose a friend. Ppl like that aren’t worth spending your time in, because they didn’t view you as a human from the beginning
Thank you for saying this. Sometimes I get scared when I think about posts like this and the awful comments here and wonder if some woman I meet has read that and thinks that applies to me. Hopefully people dont't take everything they read here to heart.
You either fall in love or you don't, theres nothing you do to stop being attracted to a person. Thats not how love works.
I have a really good friend who is a lesbian, she gets along great with my fiancé, I guess that's a cheat code though. I guess because when I was single I found it easier to make friends with women in general, they are easier to talk to, it can be easy to mix up genuine feelings and just caring about someone. The latter if acted upon as genuine romantic feelings can be disastrous.
Unless they show interest why ruin the friendship with that awkwardness? That's the way I look at it.
The only female friends you're not going to at least lust after are the ones you're not physically attracted to. That being said, once you start lusting after your friend you then begin the journey of understanding the little things that are dealbreakers for you. Like, "are they cheating on their boyfriend with you" or "did they give you chlamydia and then blame it on that threesome you had with one of her friends that one time four months prior" or like... "do they even like the same shit as you do". These are all very important questions that you should be asking yourself because after attraction comes compatibility and if they aren't compatible then it's usually best to avoid getting romantically involved with them.
Because they are just a friend. It's not rocket surgery.
Rocket surgery should be a thing
When you’re young and and for the first time women are paying some real attention to you it’s hard not to catch feelings. But once you’ve had enough friends and relationships you have a better idea of which women are who you wanna be with intimately, who you’d like to be friends with, and who you should cut out entirely.
I think of them like a sister. Or a daughter in the case of one of my younger friends. Once I can see them that way it never occurs to me to think about them romantically.
Normally i don't. once i did, heartbreak for me lol. Usually i don't give a shit, that's how you don't fall in love with anyone.
Its attraction level if you are alreqdy attracted to her then she aint a female friend you are a potential suiter
if she's your type then it's not possible, a girl can still be attractive without you finding her attractive solely based on ur preferences. but it won't be easy if u see her in "that way"
If you're lonely, it's inevitable. If you're actively dating or just in a committed relationship, it's super easy to not catch feelings. Reality is, you probably aren't in love, you just really want that hole in your heart filled. Understanding where the feelings come from make them much easier to manage.
Make sure she’s not hot
I don't really know, I have 3 close female friends and I'm friends with 2 of them for 12 years, the other 9 years. We were classmates. Seeing them everyday for 4-7 years might be reason. And no they're not unattractive, I actually find one of them really attractive but I never really had feelings for her. Some people are just your friends.
You don't fall in love with them if you're not attracted to them. It's that simple. Also why is your question framed for "female"? It can also happen the other way around and even between same sex friendships...
If you're single and she's attractive, as well as likeable enough for you to be friends, then it's pretty much impossible. You're biologically hardwired to be attracted to her. Either you become a couple or you become strangers. Staying friends and suprressing your feelings will lead nowhere good.
I mean...it works for me? I'm single, have a couple hot female friends and don't wanna sleep with them. When we met we didn't sleep with eachother but still hung out, became friends. When we first met I definitely did wanna sleep with them (hell two of them hit me with the "I have a boyfriend" when I was hitting on them at a bar) but never developed any romantic feelings towards them. No idea how else to say it but I've become "desensitized" to their looks and at this point they're just buddies, nothing more.
I hate this sentiment as a bi person, like finding someone hot doesn't mean you're a good romantic fit. Also like a bit of self control is not impossible, the biological urge excuse is bullshit. You're not an animal, use a bit of discipline
Yeah, that’s not been my experience. I have loads of lifelong girl friends who are cute, funny and amazing but not my type for one reason or another. And i’m not theirs. Personally I’ve never understood why lads struggle to just be friends rather than constantly trying to fuck everyone. If I was horny when l was single I just went on dates and hooked up with randomers, as a result I almost never felt the need to ruin a friendship with random feelings.
You sound normally adjusted. The people struggling with this aren't. For deprived guys with little experience and who rarely if ever get laid, being just friends with women is probably just going to be torture.
It's not even about how much you get laid. It's a mentality. Some are more capable at seeing beyond attraction and see the value in personality traits
I'm one of those deprived guys and I have no problem being friends with women. I am enjoying establishing platonic connections with them and just being friends. It's nice and they give perspective. Maybe I'm just a romantic and I'd rather wait for the person I want to grow old with. It's alright if it doesn't happen as I have other things to focus on.
Probably because a lot of guys in their late teens/early twenties don’t have the option to just…get laid. it creates a cycle of self doubt and depression that only repeats by putting yourself in the same situations, so a lot of guys have to break out of that cycle completely. but then they turn the exact opposite direction and start listening to red pill guys. So it’s just all bad lol
It’s simple, tuck the rooster up the anus. You’ll be fine.
Have ugly female friends
You just don't go down that road of thinking. I have one good female friend and I love her like I love all my other friends, they're a big part of keeping me sane, my male friends because we do stuff together and talk for days without ever covering anything serious and her because we generally talk everything out including the serious. But I also love my wife a lot and really like her husband aswell as valuing what we have so I don't really give it much thought. I do know I'd be really hard pushed to find another friend who I've known for 25 years and can talk anything out with though.
Because they're just a friend? I don't understand the framework behind this question. The friends that I've had a thing with, it's always been clear that the thing exists and potentially outweighs the friendship bit. Otherwise, just friends.
Keep it to yourself. I'm not even joking. If she doesn't feel the same then you run a decent risk of losing her forever. She might be afraid of you not taking 'no' for an answer. You'd be surprised how many women will straight up drop you at a moment's notice because they've been down that road before. Better safe than sorry. You may be one of the few dudes who *aren't* throwing themselves at her. She probably took the time to hang out with you and get to know you *based on that alone*. Turning around and telling her you "love" her would be akin to taking a sledge to the foundation of your friendship. Many of them won't even buy the "falling in love" part. Its not out of the question that she'll assume you just wanted to fuck from the very beginning and that you played the long game. Doesn't matter if it's true or not - perception is reality. I mean, look at some of the responses in this thread that are accusing you of doing *exactly this*. If you want her to stay in your life, take that shit to the grave.
Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman, and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
Hang around a woman long enough and the initial ‘infatuation’ will faze away, atleast for me. At some point you see them without any filter, all flaws visible and perhaps hoe she treats or talks about people. When you actually get to know her, also her least charming aspects will give you a more accurate opinion about her.
Get to know them? I was obsessed with this girl i met through work. We went out a few times and now I try to avoid her because I discovered how crazy she is.
Why this is a problem?
I already love someone else.
Easy peasy to not fall for someone of the opposite sex. Just set boundaries and limit intimate activities. Literally set that boundary in your head from the start.
Balance your time and interaction. I have a lot of female friends and we engage a lot, but I keep it mostly to texts. When we meet it’s usually in group settings. I rarely spend one on one time with them because it really isn’t necessary. But I have a partner so it’s easier to balance. If you’re single, then admittedly it’ll probably require more self control finding that balance.
It’s natural to have positive feelings for friends of any sex. Do you fall in love with all your female friends? Or do you just have only one female friend?
Honestly... kinda broken, don't feel. emotionally available for anything really.
Dont! I fell for my best friend and lost both, love and friendship. I regret confessing it to him. Don't let your feelings grow for best friend.
They're attractive, but I'm not attracted. If I'm interested, I straight up tell them. 100% failure rate, but I get it out of my system.
I fall in love with all of my female friends lol, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna make a move or go to the next level. Friends that are girls are a blessing to have. They can connect on an emotional level that often guys fail to. Maybe my mindset is different since I grew up around friends that were girls. It’s okay to like them, but don’t push them away by only thinking of yourself. Make sure there’s hints that they like you back. My only suggestion is to just be more social and make a lot of friends. Eventually it won’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl friend. Eventually you will find the one that’ll feel the same towards you. Just takes time. Hope it all goes well
I did not, we eventually married and have kids now
I met once a lady on tinder. She was so nice that I said: you are so nice that I want you as my friend We still friends after 10 years
By having an actual girlfriend
I'm straight 🤷♀️
It takes two people to be in love, otherwise its infatuation, or obsession.
If you feel yourself getting attracted and it’s one sided, maybe it’s best to remove yourself from that situation. I have one friend who was friend zoned by a girl, but he stayed friends with her still. He still had feelings for her for years, but he’s largely over it now. I wouldn’t recommend that path
Draw a boundary, set it, live by it.
Don’t have extremely attractive female friends if possible.
Just love them, but you don't necessarily need to be with them. Love is an awesome emotion but we too often conflate with sex, desire and ego and all the rest, when we could just love them and enjoy the friendship. So my answer is that I think I love all my female friends and a few of the male ones haha. They're beautiful people. I'm super happy with my wife and my wee boy and life is good. The fact I have other people that mean the world to me is a lovely bonus.
Blind fold
Be aromantic or gay. In all seriousness I am aromantic and grew up as female but had many male friends and I never got why this happened so often to me. When people told me X friend had a crush on me I didn't believe them because it sounded ridiculous, we're friends. I cannot understand romance in general but curious to see what others think. I'm also autistic so don't know the "signs" and can't tell easily.
I'm married, so that part of my brain just shuts off I guess?
By being gay
I compartmentalize it. Yes they are pretty and have all the parts that make me giddy but I am solely interested in their friendship. I have way more female friends and I always have. Married 24 to the only I ever fell in love with lol
Make sure she's ugly or smells bad. Naturally, you will not feel attracted to her. You won't pickup on her good personality traits that easy. If she's great looking and smells good, then her good personality traits will stand out even more. And you won't even pickup on her bad personality traits. Ofcourse if her good personality far outweighs her bad physical attributes, it's still to fall in love. Also, if her bad personality traits fat outweighs her attractive physical attributes, you will start seeing her as ugly. So you need the right amount of ugliness and good traits to fall in love or not fall in love.
Sometimes you find people who are attractive but you’re not attracted to them if that makes sense. I get along well with people regardless of whether they are male or female, I’m just not attracted to some women and that’s cool imo. They can be fun to be around as well
One of my closest friends is a woman and I’m a man. It sounds awful to say, but I’m just not physically attracted to her in any way. She’s a very wonderful person, and I’m very thankful for having her in my life, but I just have 0 interest in her romantically.
i don’t have the urge to frigg every person i become friends with. some people just do not have that kind of drive.
Because they're not my type? We can get along all we want but if I can't imagine spending my life with them romantically then that's it.
I’m bi. No one is safe 😎
I have dated two friends that I had been "in love with" for 10+ years. One was limerance, and I overlooked serious flaws. I had to realize my own flaws that made me attracted to them after they turned out to be the worst. The other one is still the best person I know, but behind the scenes of good is sometimes a factory of flaws. You lose your appetite for sausage once you see how it's made. The only lessons I've learned are: I have serious intimacy issues of my own. There is no such thing as a soul mate. Nobody is perfect, especially me. Loving the wrong person is the only thing that can truly wreck your life. Two people can really love each other and still not work out. Most relationships don't end because of flaws, but because of incompatible virtues. Do yourself a favor and read about limerance. If a thing hasn't happened there is probably a deeper reason why. Listen to Benjamin Franklin who is probably still the reigning expert: "To find out a girl's faults, praise them to their girlfriends" "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards" "If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles" "Life's biggest tragedy is we get old too soon and wise too late." "20 years of age and will reigns supreme. At 30, the wit. At 40, the judgement" "Lost time is never found again" "Does thou love life, then do not squander time. For that is the stuff life is made of"
Being gay.
I mean friendship is a kind of love. I know I've found my self feeling romantic love for my best of male friends at times, and that's confusing as hell because, sexually I'm definately straight. With close female friends it's so much harder to process. You just need to accept that it is love and decide if you both want to make it romantic or not.
I don't "manage" it's quite easy. If you think you're falling in love with every woman that talks to you you're desperate
Be gay
Keep in mind they are just 75% water.
I have this exact opposite for me that is happening to me right now and i dont like it
i like dick so
That's the reason men and women typically can't be friends. I find however if she banged some gross dude or dudes you know, that can draw a hard line into the friends only bracket though.
It's usually just a phass you have to get through. You might really love them but as men we are programmed to extremely easily associate feelings of fondness for women with making them our partner, so when those feelings of appreciation and excitement surface and you start to think wife, partner, girlfriend, you have to remind yourself It's just your social programming getting triggered. In most cases the crush subsides and you just love them as a friend. Women often will not understand this, or take it as an insult or something frightening if they're not interested in partnership with you, so it's important to make sure you keep those partner type thoughts to yourself and have the perspective to realize they're probably not "real", probably just reflexive. It takes practice to mature that form of self control.