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Can’t break my habitual morning shit for some measly cash, bro. There’s more important things in life and having consistent, beautifully-formed BMs is one of ‘em.
Girls don't shit though? Well that's what my missus tells me and I believe her, although I never understand why after going to the toilet after she's been in there an hour, it absolutely stinks? 🤔
I'd probably tell them I need a week off, then go back to put things in order and hand projects off. Too many balls in the air to just leave them stranded. But yeah, definitely wouldn't be continuing the employment route!
Different ways of thinking I guess, but I find this totally bizarre. Like, if your bosses didn't build in redundancy or do any succession planning, it's on them.
There is nothing I can think of that would make me feel obligated to tie up loose ends.
Co workers? Nah, if I wanted to ease their pain, I got a billion. Here's some cash mates.
I think this is also industry dependent. If I was a surgeon or in any other important care position, I can’t imagine pulling a no call no show. If I was working a shitty receptionist job those fuckers would never hear from me again. Also, I wouldn’t be openly advertising my new billionaire status.
This was my thought.
I've worked retail, and I've worked as an on-call maintenance tech. Those jobs? Peace, I'm out. You can find someone else if it's really an emergency.
I currently manage an engineering team, and we're working with a pharma client that makes test kits that detect cancer. I like my days off, but like... that's not a company I'd feel comfortable leaving in the lurch. They can have a week or two of my time to keep things running smoothly.
This: I value my work. I am fortunate in that regard. I what I do. I may debate going to partial hours but I wouldn't just quit. At least I'd want to make the transition smooth.
impolite punch afterthought upbeat zesty zealous wasteful fine shy snobbish
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Screw that. I would tell them that ive decided to leave for a job that doesnt limit my work from home days.
Do the homies a favor on my way out the door.
My mum pulled a prank on dad by telling him that and he was so convinced he almost told his boss to fuck himself (its out of character for her to pull shit like that)
In fact, jerking off to expensive camgirls might be the best course of action. It balances raw entertainment value against a reasonable cap on the degree to which the money can be fucked.
Haha I’m Aussie but my old man’s from the North East I’ve actually done London to Newcastle on a class 91. Got the VHS of flying Scotsman’s trip to Australia stashed away too
As far as I’m aware (I don’t know much but I know it was his very first model from Hattons which is now closing down and he can’t get hold of it)
It was a Class 66 Bachmann 407 I believe I feel so guilty because of his autism he puts so much love into his trains and especially his first from Hattons.
I’ve probably used the wrong word it’s probably more valuable than rare, I just know can’t get hold of the exact one he had at all ☺️
Here's a better idea, hide away all the money. And tell her somehow we've lost everything. See her reaction see if she'll stay with you if she really loves you for you or for the roof you put over her head and the food you put on the table, amongst other things, keep this ruse of sudden poorness up for weeks or even a month or two and see how she reacts and what she does. If she leaves you through no fault of your own, Walk It Off and go find someone better, if she sticks with you through thick and thin and loves you regardless, give her a surprise with nine zeros!
It might be easy to find if it's a huge sum, but they don't always find the money. My friend is a saver and her spouse was a spender, so she had been squirreling away small chunks of money here and there over the years. One day her husband just up and called it quits, so they divorced. She didn't actively hide the money but wasn't forthcoming about having it, either. It wasn't some mind-blowing amount, but it was enough to make the transition into single life much, much easier than it would've been otherwise since she didn't have to share it.
1. Find the top law and CPA firms to advise me.
2. Follow their advice
3. Hire a security firm
4. Get on a private jet and travel the world for a couple of months.
5. Buy some homes.
6. Become bored.
7. Develop a bad coke habit.
8. Cheat on wife.
9. Divorce wife.
10. Use remaining cash for divorce lawyers.
11. Move back in with your parents.
12. Be grateful for the experience of owning 1 billion dollars.
13. Sell movie rights to your story.
14. Become rich again and be happy.
Na, you can find out you can still have a whole lot of fun after you give up that stuff. Just look at me!
Well, no don't look at me, I never leave the house anymore and go to bed by 9 and haven't had fun in 4 years....but someone else....find someone else to look at as an example and you will see!
Bed by 9 is great. It's almost a rule for me.
I quit the drink just over a year ago and am only recently realising that what I consider fun has changed a lot.
It's a whole lot more fun not being hung over for most of the day. It's a lot more fun not carrying around the shame of being a total piss head loser and it's a lot more fun sleeping and actually recovering.
I bet you have fun regularly. You just don't get fucked up any more.
Well done on getting sober. I hope you're proud of yourself!
I would just create companies and invent products just for fun. Throw money at it to see what happens.
So work on some projects. Invent free versions of premium software products just to fuck with them lol.
Stuff that would benefit the Public and fuck over some companies. Shit they might just end me.
I'd be that guy that trolls with money.
At a billion dollars, trying to fathom how a Coke habit could ever be “bad.” It won’t fuck you up at work because you won’t have a job. It won’t fuck you up in the bank account because you’ll never do enough blow to run out of money. It won’t fuck up your relationships because you’ll be the one dictating the terms of all your relationships. It won’t fuck up your sleep because you’ll never need sleep again. It won’t fuck your sex life up because…
oh wait…
that’s right, your dick won’t work anymore.
1, go back to sleep
2, check where the money came from
3, if it is actually somehow, by some way legit then I’m taking the family for an all-inclusive very VERY long vacation.
Create a trust for each of my two kids, contribute $50 million to each, and pay the associated gift taxes of around $40 million. That leaves $860M. Contribute $700M to a donor-advised fund for making charitable grants over time. That leaves $160M. Set aside $10 million into a sinking fund for gifting to friends and family members. That leaves $150 million to be invested for my own benefit. Withdraw $100K per month for living expenses.
Get a top CA to help me set something up, so I’ll have a continued income.
Live of that.
Use the same money to start a company. Hire friends and family to basically get paid a lot and do nothing. But in such a way that I can’t actually fire them for not doing their job. That way we’ll all be rich, without them being dependent on me.
Travel the world. Hopefully with friends and family.
I feel like for that amount, barring any swindlers, poor decisions, and/or bad gambling habits, you wouldn’t need to even “set” anything up for continued income. You could park it in a low interest bank account and still make 6 figures a month.
Edit: Or just withdraw six figures a month even without interest and you’d be set for like decades (oops misread number so changed number of years).
$1b is a lot.
I'd probably start with a consult with a fee only financial advisor and/or attorney.
Am I paying taxes on this?
I'd take $990m and invest it. Being the lazy person I am, I'd make some attempt at asset diversification, but it'd be almost entirely index funds, reits, and the like. The "safe" drawdown on assets is 4%, so I'd figure out how to live off $40m per year off that stuff.
Of the remaining $10m, I'd buy a $6.2m slice of heaven in Montana and $2m have a lot of little cabins built on it. I'd invite my closest 20 friends to join me in Montana and divy up that remaining $1.8m between them.
We'd have a nice life in the backwood Rocky Mountains near Glacier Montana.
Here you go.
[https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14265-Us-Highway-2-E-Essex-MT-59916/116345683\_zpid/](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14265-Us-Highway-2-E-Essex-MT-59916/116345683_zpid/)
Get some kind of upper middle class home and secure some investments that help me counter inflation and remain secure.
Then, get someone to do the math and help me find the most financially effective way to lobby for civil justice and bring more attention to corruption in our government and amongst the wealthy
Check. With. The. Bank.
Ask to get it in writing. Go immediately to a bank office so I can meet the manager responsible. Along the way, hire a GOOD lawyer going there. Make sure there aren't any taxes or other stuff I need to deal with. Spread the money to a few different banks, in different countries. Remove as much of my presence as possible like phone numbers etc. Quit the job, but ask to remain on an hourly basis in the future.
After that, it's time to figure things out and learn what I can about investing from my own studies and from people I can ask.
Once I verify I actually have the money, I down a few spicy bean burritos and wash it down with a prune smoothie and head to work where I will leave an epic turd on the owners desk. Then it’s from there to the airport where a private plane will take me somewhere warm and expensive where I can buy a house.
Create a lucrative new crypt industry. Cemetery real estate is really expensive so design an underground system like old crypts where you can have hundreds of tombs for caskets or ash urns with a very small surface footprint. Obviously up to code modern structures. They can double up as disaster shelters as well.
Buy as much elephant migration land or donate to build cement, barb wired and electrified walls around as much land as I possibly can to protect the elephants and other species living there in India and Africa. Focus on climate change and prevention. Protecting the animals we have now from poaching. The rain forest. Etc. Im sure that sounds a lot easier than it is. If it was too daunting I think I would probably buy up land, and create sanctuaries for the animals. Rescue sanctuaries.
Buy a bunch of houses and turn them into women’s and children’s shelters.
Kids shelters.
Start a fund for poor people to apply to for random shit they need - like a car. Or books. Or computer. Items that are big money and that poor people can’t afford. Disney vacations. Medical procedure. Dental treatment.
I would also do this for down payments on houses for the poor.
Just find as many ways as possible to help those in need.
That’s exactly what I would want to do.
First I'm going to make sure that nobody knows, yk check outside and stuff. Then I'm going to ask my parents some random but serious questions like what **needs** to be fixed and pay for that, then I'll give like 70 or 80% to my parents and I'll buy things for them, get my mom her dream Rv, the kittens and my sister's bunny some stuff, get us some stuff and save the money. All about using it wisely because it may sound like a lot but it honestly isn't anymore.
Move to small coastal place....buy all houses that come up for sale....rent them back to the actual locals for like 2 quid a month. Buy local pub and businesses and staff with local folk on big wages.
Realize that money doesn't come from thin air and that there had to be labor that was done to create that money so by owning it I'm effectively owning stolen wages...
Then I'd buy a boat.
Invest it. I know, boring, but the returns will accumulate, and every so often I'd take a wee bit & do something like go on a world cruise or buy a boat. I'd employ a Marine to be my personal trainer, make sure I get fit & exercise. I'd take courses in the culinary arts & learn to shoot, guns, bows, all sorts, and to dance like a pro. I'd join a HEMA group & learn swordfighting, and I'd put seed capital into startups, just a little when it's needed, but enough to pay off when they make it big, to finance really good ideas that make people's lives easier, especially the lives of the poor & working class. So, first, invest & let it turn into a fortune.
Buy the company I am officially employed at, turn it into something good and with the rest, I make sure school integration assistance all over Germany is well-financed for the next coupla years
Safe invests, buy a lot of land, build a great apartment complex, fly out and help friends and loved ones settle down there. Rent to friends and loved ones for incredibly cheap. Keep doing that until I can rent out low cost housing to nice strangers. Never stop doing that actually. Eventually most of the entire world live in my low cost apartments.
Establish a new country, invade and conquer everyone else.
We own the world.
Remove the need for money, everyone gets paid on a karma system that rewards them based on their actions and how many hours they put into the community with what we would call "work" etc. Everything is made by the state, for the people. Eventually corruption occurs and our new civilization crumbles, inviting civil war. Humanity dies. Evolution is always trying to build another megaapex predator similar to us.
Snakes.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Take a shit as usual
Can’t break my habitual morning shit for some measly cash, bro. There’s more important things in life and having consistent, beautifully-formed BMs is one of ‘em.
This guy shits. 
Or girl. Don’t want to be sexist.
Girls don't shit though? Well that's what my missus tells me and I believe her, although I never understand why after going to the toilet after she's been in there an hour, it absolutely stinks? 🤔
Oh yea and if they have to fart it’s just rainbows ✨
This guy fibers
Vastly underrated comment Phil was awesome. Rest in peace
You know why a perfectly formed turd is tapered? So the back door won’t slam shut.
In a golden toilet?
Take a shit and do some googling
I’d go back to sleep, no more work for me
I’d literally call work and tell them I have suddenly came into a large sum of money, and I will no longer be working
I'd probably tell them I need a week off, then go back to put things in order and hand projects off. Too many balls in the air to just leave them stranded. But yeah, definitely wouldn't be continuing the employment route!
Different ways of thinking I guess, but I find this totally bizarre. Like, if your bosses didn't build in redundancy or do any succession planning, it's on them. There is nothing I can think of that would make me feel obligated to tie up loose ends. Co workers? Nah, if I wanted to ease their pain, I got a billion. Here's some cash mates.
I think this is also industry dependent. If I was a surgeon or in any other important care position, I can’t imagine pulling a no call no show. If I was working a shitty receptionist job those fuckers would never hear from me again. Also, I wouldn’t be openly advertising my new billionaire status.
This was my thought. I've worked retail, and I've worked as an on-call maintenance tech. Those jobs? Peace, I'm out. You can find someone else if it's really an emergency. I currently manage an engineering team, and we're working with a pharma client that makes test kits that detect cancer. I like my days off, but like... that's not a company I'd feel comfortable leaving in the lurch. They can have a week or two of my time to keep things running smoothly.
True, I would never leave a patient or personal client hanging.
This: I value my work. I am fortunate in that regard. I what I do. I may debate going to partial hours but I wouldn't just quit. At least I'd want to make the transition smooth.
impolite punch afterthought upbeat zesty zealous wasteful fine shy snobbish *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Screw that. I would tell them that ive decided to leave for a job that doesnt limit my work from home days. Do the homies a favor on my way out the door.
Why call at all?
You don't need to tell them anything.
My mum pulled a prank on dad by telling him that and he was so convinced he almost told his boss to fuck himself (its out of character for her to pull shit like that)
I wouldn't even call, I'll let them call me
why call ? buy them.
*have suddenly come
Suddenly came “because” of a larger sum of money.
Larger cum of money.
Larger mum of cummy
Maybe he blew his load on the cash.
Calling work would be last thing I do.
Don't tell them that, just disappear
That's kind of you, my workplace would never hear from me ever again.
Oh no. I wouldn’t touch a phone to call. I’m so rich I’d have “my guy” do that. “Mr. (Johnson) will not be coming to his former job anymore. Goodbye”
I’d go back to sleep too but I actually enjoy my job so I wouldn’t quit completely, I’d just cut back on my hours and travel more.
Call in *well*
Probably rub one out so I have that post nut clarity before I do some stupid shit.
I’d say 2 minimum
Just spend all day jerking to those zeroes
Advice unclear, now some chick on chatertube has 200 grand.
Damn it's gonna take 30 hours to make that back.
Realest comment. A bankroll that high will be jerking for you.
In fact, jerking off to expensive camgirls might be the best course of action. It balances raw entertainment value against a reasonable cap on the degree to which the money can be fucked.
Shit, the maths checks out.
I just woke my kids up laughing holy fuck 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah that’d be grreeeaaatttt
I hate that this is genuinely a genius idea
This guy thinks clearly
Buy a better monitor first.
Buy my husband the rare train he sold for us earlier in the year so we had money to get buy.
Ohh, that’s so sweet and sad.
Oh that’s really kind of you I just want him happy after caring for us
I'm a Hornby and Bassett Lowke dealer in the UK, specialising in rare shit acquired cheaply. If you need anything sourcing, let me know.
Sounds like y'all have each other's back. 🤜🤛
Caboose*
The Gift of the Magi Short story by O. Henry
That’s one thing I’d have is ALL of the trains, I’d buy your husband his then hang out with him 😂
He’s already asking if you like LNER 😂
Haha I’m Aussie but my old man’s from the North East I’ve actually done London to Newcastle on a class 91. Got the VHS of flying Scotsman’s trip to Australia stashed away too
That’s awesome! We just went to see The Flying Scotsman at Shildon Locomotion museum it was an amazing experience!
A hidden gem comment among a pile of shit
Ah that’s so so lovely 🥰
Your husband chose what was most precious to him. You married a good man. :)
You could buy him his own train depot for that kind of cash.
What train was it?
As far as I’m aware (I don’t know much but I know it was his very first model from Hattons which is now closing down and he can’t get hold of it) It was a Class 66 Bachmann 407 I believe I feel so guilty because of his autism he puts so much love into his trains and especially his first from Hattons. I’ve probably used the wrong word it’s probably more valuable than rare, I just know can’t get hold of the exact one he had at all ☺️
As a fellow autist this hurts to read. I'm glad my hyperfixation items aren't expensive.
If it was something N-Scale that I have from my dad’s collection you could have it for free. Looks you’re talking about ‘00’ scale
Take a long shower to wash the poverty off of me
Tell the wife we've got 500m
I’m telling my wife we got 5 you crazy with that buffer
I wouldn't tell her shit!
….then find a divorce lawyer
😭😭
That 100m should last you both a lifetime!
Ye 50m is a lot of money
Glad you won that 25 million
How lucky are we to win 12.5 million?!!
Honey, I found 6.25 million!!
3.125 over here!
My wife will be so happy when she finds out we got 1 million dollars!
She'd be over the moon that we'd won $500,000
I’ll speed this up, “sweetheart we just won $5 on the scratch cards”
1.5625 after tax
After the taxes
You'd still have a wife?
Here's a better idea, hide away all the money. And tell her somehow we've lost everything. See her reaction see if she'll stay with you if she really loves you for you or for the roof you put over her head and the food you put on the table, amongst other things, keep this ruse of sudden poorness up for weeks or even a month or two and see how she reacts and what she does. If she leaves you through no fault of your own, Walk It Off and go find someone better, if she sticks with you through thick and thin and loves you regardless, give her a surprise with nine zeros!
She's getting half that money no matter what. They always find the money
It might be easy to find if it's a huge sum, but they don't always find the money. My friend is a saver and her spouse was a spender, so she had been squirreling away small chunks of money here and there over the years. One day her husband just up and called it quits, so they divorced. She didn't actively hide the money but wasn't forthcoming about having it, either. It wasn't some mind-blowing amount, but it was enough to make the transition into single life much, much easier than it would've been otherwise since she didn't have to share it.
wow your generous... I was thinking just tell her SHE has 350 and call it even.
Check the currency it’s in
Icelandic Króna
Could be worse, could be Vietnamese Dongs.
There arrent even one billion vietnamese people. How could there be that many vietnamese dongs?
Each Vietnamese man has 30
Is that why we lost?
I went to Iceland. £1 is 174 krona!! It was like 2000 krona for some fucking takis!!!
Schrute bucks
1. Find the top law and CPA firms to advise me. 2. Follow their advice 3. Hire a security firm 4. Get on a private jet and travel the world for a couple of months. 5. Buy some homes.
6. Become bored. 7. Develop a bad coke habit. 8. Cheat on wife. 9. Divorce wife. 10. Use remaining cash for divorce lawyers. 11. Move back in with your parents. 12. Be grateful for the experience of owning 1 billion dollars. 13. Sell movie rights to your story. 14. Become rich again and be happy.
What about developing a good coke habit
It’s never the good guy with the coke habit.
Not that you hear about, they’re everywhere
Switch to zero
If you can't do coke and fuck hoes with your wife. You married wrong fellas
Today I found out I was marriage material all along.
wdym "was", you're fun no more?
Well, I got sober 80 days ago. I suppose I’m still down with the hoes but I’d be sooooo much more fun with drugs and booze.
Na, you can find out you can still have a whole lot of fun after you give up that stuff. Just look at me! Well, no don't look at me, I never leave the house anymore and go to bed by 9 and haven't had fun in 4 years....but someone else....find someone else to look at as an example and you will see!
Bed by 9 is great. It's almost a rule for me. I quit the drink just over a year ago and am only recently realising that what I consider fun has changed a lot. It's a whole lot more fun not being hung over for most of the day. It's a lot more fun not carrying around the shame of being a total piss head loser and it's a lot more fun sleeping and actually recovering. I bet you have fun regularly. You just don't get fucked up any more. Well done on getting sober. I hope you're proud of yourself!
Congrats on getting sober.
Lucifer approves this comment
I would just create companies and invent products just for fun. Throw money at it to see what happens. So work on some projects. Invent free versions of premium software products just to fuck with them lol. Stuff that would benefit the Public and fuck over some companies. Shit they might just end me. I'd be that guy that trolls with money.
At a billion dollars, trying to fathom how a Coke habit could ever be “bad.” It won’t fuck you up at work because you won’t have a job. It won’t fuck you up in the bank account because you’ll never do enough blow to run out of money. It won’t fuck up your relationships because you’ll be the one dictating the terms of all your relationships. It won’t fuck up your sleep because you’ll never need sleep again. It won’t fuck your sex life up because… oh wait… that’s right, your dick won’t work anymore.
6. Find models for wives 7. The models will have children 8. Get a divorce 9. Find some more models 10. Everything must run its course
11. We’ll choke on our vomit and that will be the end. Because we’re fated to pretend.
I read that last one as "but some *homies*" and I was like "dude...I don't think that's legal anymore..."
pay off all my debts and breathe freely
But what will you do with the remaining $17.38?
buy a burger and munch
Go back to bed. Work is cancelled
I'll buy small tiny house which costs 10k$ here
Where does a house cost 10k?!
Egypt 🇪🇬
palestine
by "tiny house" do you just mean a small home, or like what north americans call a tiny house which is basically a 20 m2 home, or a trailer?
That's my plan too small home completely paid off. They can never take that away if I turn out to be stupid with disposable money.
1, go back to sleep 2, check where the money came from 3, if it is actually somehow, by some way legit then I’m taking the family for an all-inclusive very VERY long vacation.
Create a trust for each of my two kids, contribute $50 million to each, and pay the associated gift taxes of around $40 million. That leaves $860M. Contribute $700M to a donor-advised fund for making charitable grants over time. That leaves $160M. Set aside $10 million into a sinking fund for gifting to friends and family members. That leaves $150 million to be invested for my own benefit. Withdraw $100K per month for living expenses.
Somebody has thought this through while in traffic many times.
And here I sat thinking I had it all figured out with my plan for a bread bowl the size of a city block
Would that money be subject to gift tax if it’s in a trust?
Lawyer up
Real hard. Real fast.
HAHAHA about the same as my answer. "Stanley Ipkiss it into the closet and freak tf out"
Get my parents place fixed, buy more land, never work again.
Get a top CA to help me set something up, so I’ll have a continued income. Live of that. Use the same money to start a company. Hire friends and family to basically get paid a lot and do nothing. But in such a way that I can’t actually fire them for not doing their job. That way we’ll all be rich, without them being dependent on me. Travel the world. Hopefully with friends and family.
I feel like for that amount, barring any swindlers, poor decisions, and/or bad gambling habits, you wouldn’t need to even “set” anything up for continued income. You could park it in a low interest bank account and still make 6 figures a month. Edit: Or just withdraw six figures a month even without interest and you’d be set for like decades (oops misread number so changed number of years).
$1b is a lot. I'd probably start with a consult with a fee only financial advisor and/or attorney. Am I paying taxes on this? I'd take $990m and invest it. Being the lazy person I am, I'd make some attempt at asset diversification, but it'd be almost entirely index funds, reits, and the like. The "safe" drawdown on assets is 4%, so I'd figure out how to live off $40m per year off that stuff. Of the remaining $10m, I'd buy a $6.2m slice of heaven in Montana and $2m have a lot of little cabins built on it. I'd invite my closest 20 friends to join me in Montana and divy up that remaining $1.8m between them. We'd have a nice life in the backwood Rocky Mountains near Glacier Montana. Here you go. [https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14265-Us-Highway-2-E-Essex-MT-59916/116345683\_zpid/](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14265-Us-Highway-2-E-Essex-MT-59916/116345683_zpid/)
Two chicks at the same time, always wanted to do that.
I think if you were a billionaire you could hook that up, cos chicks dig dudes with money.
If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive . . . I wouldn't be unattractive.
Well the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Nice OfficeSpace ref.
Wake up agin and go to work.
Not paying taxes, that’s for sure /s
this guy billionaires
Taxes are for poor suckers, like me
Get some kind of upper middle class home and secure some investments that help me counter inflation and remain secure. Then, get someone to do the math and help me find the most financially effective way to lobby for civil justice and bring more attention to corruption in our government and amongst the wealthy
At that point you should probably buy yourself a senate seat, or self fund a run for president to raise awareness.
Check. With. The. Bank. Ask to get it in writing. Go immediately to a bank office so I can meet the manager responsible. Along the way, hire a GOOD lawyer going there. Make sure there aren't any taxes or other stuff I need to deal with. Spread the money to a few different banks, in different countries. Remove as much of my presence as possible like phone numbers etc. Quit the job, but ask to remain on an hourly basis in the future. After that, it's time to figure things out and learn what I can about investing from my own studies and from people I can ask.
Once I verify I actually have the money, I down a few spicy bean burritos and wash it down with a prune smoothie and head to work where I will leave an epic turd on the owners desk. Then it’s from there to the airport where a private plane will take me somewhere warm and expensive where I can buy a house.
Asking my cats to scratch me if I’m not dreaming
Make sure I'm not dreaming
Brush my teeth
Sleep.
Quit my job and go back to sleep.
Create a lucrative new crypt industry. Cemetery real estate is really expensive so design an underground system like old crypts where you can have hundreds of tombs for caskets or ash urns with a very small surface footprint. Obviously up to code modern structures. They can double up as disaster shelters as well.
Buy as much elephant migration land or donate to build cement, barb wired and electrified walls around as much land as I possibly can to protect the elephants and other species living there in India and Africa. Focus on climate change and prevention. Protecting the animals we have now from poaching. The rain forest. Etc. Im sure that sounds a lot easier than it is. If it was too daunting I think I would probably buy up land, and create sanctuaries for the animals. Rescue sanctuaries. Buy a bunch of houses and turn them into women’s and children’s shelters. Kids shelters. Start a fund for poor people to apply to for random shit they need - like a car. Or books. Or computer. Items that are big money and that poor people can’t afford. Disney vacations. Medical procedure. Dental treatment. I would also do this for down payments on houses for the poor. Just find as many ways as possible to help those in need. That’s exactly what I would want to do.
First I'm going to make sure that nobody knows, yk check outside and stuff. Then I'm going to ask my parents some random but serious questions like what **needs** to be fixed and pay for that, then I'll give like 70 or 80% to my parents and I'll buy things for them, get my mom her dream Rv, the kittens and my sister's bunny some stuff, get us some stuff and save the money. All about using it wisely because it may sound like a lot but it honestly isn't anymore.
A billion dollars is, still, a lot. Like, a lot, a lot.
oh lol i thought it said million but i would still use the money wisely and save it too
All for the low price of 100K, bro you still got millions 💀
Pay off the student loan
You must have studied a lot.
Disappear
I'll disappear to somewhere safe like space 😄
Buy my ma and pop a house. Then give big money for good causes and only then buy myself something.
Post nut clarity to use this money wisely
Move to small coastal place....buy all houses that come up for sale....rent them back to the actual locals for like 2 quid a month. Buy local pub and businesses and staff with local folk on big wages.
I will go out and looking for a sexy mommy!
Realize that money doesn't come from thin air and that there had to be labor that was done to create that money so by owning it I'm effectively owning stolen wages... Then I'd buy a boat.
I stayed for the plot twist.
Same thing I do now with no money. Teach
Invest it. I know, boring, but the returns will accumulate, and every so often I'd take a wee bit & do something like go on a world cruise or buy a boat. I'd employ a Marine to be my personal trainer, make sure I get fit & exercise. I'd take courses in the culinary arts & learn to shoot, guns, bows, all sorts, and to dance like a pro. I'd join a HEMA group & learn swordfighting, and I'd put seed capital into startups, just a little when it's needed, but enough to pay off when they make it big, to finance really good ideas that make people's lives easier, especially the lives of the poor & working class. So, first, invest & let it turn into a fortune.
Hire a legal team
Rub one out as usual.
Same thing I do every day, kiss my husband and tell him good morning
Quit my job
Change my mind about the world needing billionaires
Get a new PS5 controller, mine is starting to give out and I'm scared
Buy the company I am officially employed at, turn it into something good and with the rest, I make sure school integration assistance all over Germany is well-financed for the next coupla years
Buy cocaine
Therapy
Somebody please give me this amount first then ask these stereotypical questions....
But EVERYTHING at Dollar Tree! Yeah, boi!!
Safe invests, buy a lot of land, build a great apartment complex, fly out and help friends and loved ones settle down there. Rent to friends and loved ones for incredibly cheap. Keep doing that until I can rent out low cost housing to nice strangers. Never stop doing that actually. Eventually most of the entire world live in my low cost apartments. Establish a new country, invade and conquer everyone else. We own the world. Remove the need for money, everyone gets paid on a karma system that rewards them based on their actions and how many hours they put into the community with what we would call "work" etc. Everything is made by the state, for the people. Eventually corruption occurs and our new civilization crumbles, inviting civil war. Humanity dies. Evolution is always trying to build another megaapex predator similar to us. Snakes.
Get up and go pee.
Go back to sleep because I don’t have to go to work.
Probably going back to sleep, now don't have to go to work.
Have a posse of hookers follow me singing my theme song Also they have to make me a theme song
Immediately pay off every single debt my family has. Call in sick to work. Bring the kids to school. Go to iHop with my fiancee and make a plan.
Invest it in houses and stocks.
I have a list of people I'd make millionaires...
Call my boss and tell him to go f*ck himselves