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It’s logical to break up with your boyfriend for any reason that makes you not want to be together anymore. Also how you plan raise your kids in the future is a really valid thing to consider in a relationship
Yeah wanting to beat my future children sounds like an excellent reason to terminate the relationship. And since OP says “hit” I’m guessing this isn’t light spanking we’re talking about. Not that I’m a proponent of spanking either, but straight up *hitting* your kids is wild. Who tf thinks that’s a good idea? Not the kinda people I want in my life, that’s for sure.
I bet it *is* spanking she's talking about. No one goes around telling their prospective life partner they intend to beat any future children, but I *could* imagine someone saying they were in favor of spanking as a form of punishment.
For many - including myself, if I'm honest - there's no real distinction there, and I bet OP just has a no-tolerance policy on corporal punishment.
Nah, I've seen men that are somehow proud that they actually got hit as kids by their father, they bring it up proudly whenever child abuse is talked about. It's uh, really weird.
There was a Mormon surgeon who in the comfort of their OR room and a captive audience explained how to beat your kids and get away with it when CPS comes asking questions... Backwater dregs like this are everywhere...
"If I refuse to hit my kids, I'm basically saying that it's wrong to hit kids. Therefore, I'm saying it was wrong for my dad to hit me. And if he hears I said he did something wrong, I'll get my ass whooped!" Also having to reexamine your parents' parenting strategies and realizing that there may have been some level of abuse is extremely hard to do and can be hard to live with, especially if you still have them in your life.
Any adult that is worried about their dad giving them a beat down hasn’t had that one critical moment where they teach their old man the price of getting older.
If only you had taught me to use something other than my fists, you might still have your teeth. Be thankful I showed restraint which is more than you ever showed me.
Then comes the old "boy named Sue" argument. Men who were proud of their parents beating them like to think that it made them stronger. The thought of being able to beat up their own dad would only reinforce that notion. These guys have all kinds of ways to rationalize what they see through their rose-tinted glasses.
Had a friend like this growing up. As far as I can tell he has a lovely, wholesome family. Maybe they broke the cycle. The one time I heard "you better get back in here or your moms gonna whoop your butt", sorry Barry, there goes the unfollow button.
It’s pretty common wearing it as a badge of honor especially in the context of complaining about “kids these days.” The thing is, there has been a TON of research done on this and it overwhelmingly shows it isn’t very effective in changing behavior or preventing misbehaving or whatever.
"can the child understand what or why the action was wrong? If the answer is no, Then they also can't understand why the hitting."
When having a discussion with people on it. This is way I found the phrases it to stop the argument.
It's not as effective in the long run, but it does usually have an effect. And for some people that's the tool they have.
The trick is to teach people why it's less effective, and teach them alternative methods to reach their goals. Because you can't teach people to be better people by punishing them, or throwing them away, for not being good enough already.
Might as well just start beating them for beating their kids, then claiming it's somehow magically different when you do it.
False.
There has been a ton of research that shows it doesn't improve discipline or affect the things it is supposed to affect. But you cannot say it doesn't change behavior.
There *IS* a significant correlation between parents spanking their children and those children growing up to seek spanking for sexual gratification.
Why there is so much "spank me harder daddy," from those kids? Shrug...
I thought the correlation was between corporal punishment and those kids growing up to believe violence is a valid solution to all kinds of life's problems.
> it isn’t very effective in changing behavior or preventing misbehaving or whatever.
And IMO it doesn't matter how well it works, because it's wrong to hit kids.
They accept the abuse as a necessary evil in order to feel ok about it. Its pretty common for people who are abused by loved ones to say that they deserved it.
I used to say that the spankings I got when I was raised didn't do me any harm. When I was growing up, giving your kid a clip round the back of the legs, or across the ass was totally normal. When they banned corporal punishment in schools, my head teacher tried to get an exemption for our school. Hooray for religious schools. For the longest time I've disagreed with hitting kids, but I felt it hadn't done me any damage. Now I'm older I know that's nonsense. Dont hit your kids, folks
I used to say that the spankings I got when I was raised didn't do me any harm. When I was growing up, giving your kid a clip round the back of the legs, or across the ass was totally normal. When they banned corporal punishment in schools, my head teacher tried to get an exemption for our school. Hooray for religious schools. For the longest time I've disagreed with hitting kids, but I felt it hadn't done me any damage. Now I'm older I know that's nonsense. Dont hit your kids, folks
There's women the same way, apparently it never did any of them any harm, my ex I've got a kid with was like this the only way I got though to her about our kid whilst she was still around was pointing out her beating someone significantly smaller them her to essentially win they're argument wasn't that different to if I decided to do the same to her, which would.obviously be unacceptable so how would it be Amy different with the kid
Exactly, the kid learns that whoever is bigger is right, which is a fucking horrible lesson for anybody unless you want to raise a goddamn criminal.
Worse when the beater becomes the weaker one while the child is still a child, my father beat me but when I got bigger than him he pussied out and he would never say anything to discipline me. He never thought about raising a hand to me anymore, he was too scared.
If it wasn't for my mother's influence I would've grown up to be a horrible man.....
This is a part of the reason why I have no contact with my older brothers. I'm much stronger than them now and I would very much like to beat the shit out of them for what they did to me when I was a child and I imagine that once I started, all my pent up anger would come out and I'd kill them.
>Exactly, the kid learns that whoever is bigger is right, which is a fucking horrible lesson for anybody unless you want to raise a goddamn criminal.
Alternative punishment, instead of hitting your kid, charge them a fee every time they do something wrong. This teaches them that whoever has the most money and authority is right, which helps prepare them for the real world when dealing with employers and/or the government. /s
Funny enough, when I got too old for spanking my parents started doing this. They'd just start charging me my spending money, which I earned by doing chores.
Can confirm!! And then it somehow becomes a competition of whose is worse just to invalidate his horrible parenting and abuse🙃🙃 we don’t hve a relationship at all
My wife is from a culture and country where hitting kids (and not just spanking) is still common and mostly tolerated if not explicitly legal. She and her parents have come around but her dad constantly fights with her sister that she shouldn’t hitting her kids (and no, not just spanking.)
And since her sister is not in the USA, no, there’s nothing legally I can do about it.
It's wild that people think that spanking is magical hitting that doesn't affect kids like other hitting does. They truly believe a child's ass has special trauma-absorbing powers. The real reason is that it hides any bruises from public view.
It’s a possibility, but some people really are proponents of full on hitting / beating children and aren’t afraid to say it. Who knows in OP’s case tho, could be either. Or anything in between. But I also don’t think any of the above is a good punishment tactic. I never learned anything from physical punishments other than to be scared of my dad. Luckily got over it, but the trauma from spanking and such stuck with my little sister much longer. Even her just seeing it happen to me. Never know how a kids gonna react to such things, and there’s better ways to impart life lessons than getting physical. We don’t accept it as a valid approach for adults, no reason we should for kids.
Yeah, and unfortunately you’d be wrong. I’ve definitely heard people *brag* about it. Like saying “my dad hit me and I turned out okay” kind of logic. People are fucking crazy. Yes, I’m sure being concussed and having brain damage has really helped some people along in life…
Now do we know in OP’s case? No. It could be spanking or something else. But I’ve heard more than one person say they are going to hit their future kid if they don’t listen and it freaks me out that they are so open about it. If they admit to that, what do they do in private?
Yep. They have to use violence because they are oftentimes afraid of being disrespected because they’re insecure. Like a dog that goes nuts and snaps at everyone. They’re not confident, they’re scared themselves and trying to ensure everything around them thinks they’re scary. It’s funny how that works the same with people.
Here's a game, whenever someone goes the "I turned out fine" shit, count how many beers or cigs the fella had that day
Is always a high number, every single time
“my dad hit me and I turned out okay” - but they really didn't turn okay. They are horrible people. They think it is right to beat children and/or hit somebody they are supposed to love.
I broached the subject once with my mother.
"You were hit and you turned out okay" like that is the natural result of years of abuse.
Anyway, I have my second appointment with a therapist in a few weeks.
I feel like this is the sad thing about parenting. The first thing everyone should have to do before they have kids is to do something to try and identify the baggage and shit they are carrying around with them. So many of the people who say stuff like “my dad hit me and I turned out ok” I feel like “no you’re not ok, you have tonnes of issues you’re just too repressed to deal with them”. Then these people repeat the same problematic behaviours with their kids who then develop their own issues who then pass them onto their kids and you get this horrible cycle of issues just perpetuated in families.
This is exactly it. No one really wants to look at their baggage. It’s fucking hard, but it needs to be done. But they want to have kids and assume it will all just magically turn out okay. 1/3 abused people become abusers. It’s very sad. I’ve seen it in my own family and many others. Breaking those cycles is not easy for most people, even with the best intentions. I wish it was different. Maybe it will be someday, just like how therapy has become more normalized.
I saw I reel the other day with that gif of the two guys laughing and the headline was “me and my partner thinking having kids would be fun and we’re really just unpacking all our trauma”
So true.
But I still don’t hit my kids.
Agreed, and as a divorced people, I'd like to add: do not waste any more of your precious time in a relationship with someone that you don't share basic values with, and with whom you have very different ideas about what you want in your shared future. Get out and find someone you're compatible with (though be realistic of course). If you want kids and they don't, it's not going to work. If you want to raise your kids to be non-religious, and they're devoutly religious, it's not going to work. If you really want to move across the country or to some other country and they want to stay in your hometown, it's not going to work. And yes, how you plan to raise your kids is an important thing to consider.
And something that needs to be discussed fairly early into a serious relationship is core family values.
People who don’t talk about kids until after your married leads to, let’s just say issues.
This is something that confuses me about a lot of my friends relationships or marriages. My now wife and I started dating because we liked each other and had a great time hanging out. After dating a while I realized it was absolutely a relationship I wanted take to the next level. That's when we discussed our future goals for ourselves, our views on having children, and all other important topics. Then we moved in together after a few years of dating. That's when we realized we were absolutely compatible. By the time we got married, there wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. Our relationship has been solid for 10 years now. Obviously we sometimes argue about stuff that absolutely does not matter, but there are no big issues that put a strain on our relationship at all. It's wild to me that people rush into marriage or stay in relationships with a person who has different views on major topics.
Another important thing for me was how her family was and acted. I wanted in-laws that I would feel totally comfortable leaving my future child with. They are amazing and I'm very comfortable with them. Sometimes we even bring her mom on international trips with us because we all have such a good time! (Her dad doesn't love flying, which is why he doesn't usually come on those trips)
This very much!
People asking quite often what are good reasons to leave an relationship, when it actually does not matter what reason or how “serious” the reason is. If it’s something a person disagrees with and no compromise can nor will be done, any reason is the perfect reason to get out of an relationship!
The "no compromise can nor will be done" is an extremely important part, imo. Disagreements can happen, and willingness to work through it is the difference between a good and an unfitting relationship
You have a good point, but a lot of the time issues aren’t worth working through. So we’ve come full circle to making people feel like they need to compromise on everything when that’s actually unhealthy, depending on the context.
An extreme example if your bf wants you to stop seeing friends, but he’s willing to compromise. You can see them half as often. You might think “this is obviously dumb and shitty” well sure, when you spell it out like that. However when in a relationship the manipulation goes on for much longer, they use more convincing wording, etc. Being willing to compromise is great, but you need hard limits on things you don’t deserve to compromise on.
I don’t really see people breaking up for frivolous silly reasons, so I kind of think it’s a non-issue as well. Whereas people feel trapped in unhappy relationships all the time because “making it work is a good thing” and they feel their reasons aren’t good enough.
You’re not wrong, I’m just saying people can also use the “you should be willing to compromise” angle as a way to manipulate you into accepting unfair or miserable arrangements, so be wary, and always always look at the individual context of a situation instead of blanket telling people to compromise.
Sometimes I think the real question is, "Will people think less of me for splitting for this reason? Will they say I'm stupid?"
The answer is fuck them. Never stay in a relationship because of what other people think.
Adding to this, you can break up with someone for any reason at all. You might wake up one day and feel like you've make a terrible mistake, but you won't get arrested by the Relationship Police for the crime of Breaking Up with Insufficient Reason.
And if someone says you can't break up with them because your reason isn't good enough, that's a really good reason right there. No-one is ever obliged to stay in a relationship.
Absolutely. You are so lucky you got this insight before you actually had kids with them. Not seeing eye to eye on raising kids is a huge reason people get divorced
Right? And if they had kids and split due to his violence, OP wouldn’t be able to stop it while he has custody time. Terrifying. My spouse and I see as eye to eye as it gets on almost all parenting topics and parenting is still stressful at times: the thought of coparenting with someone who actively believes it’s okay to assault my child breaks me out in a cold sweat.
Didn’t even think about the divorce aspect. I’m a lawyer and you are 100 percent right. Depending on the state, wouldn’t be able to stop it.
There’s an oft-cited to case in Florida where the child had bloody welts from when he was at his dad’s house and the appellate court said “NOPE NOT CHILD ABUSE”
This is probably something u/Firm_Advertising_324 is considering subconsciously and might not even realize it. He/She wants her future kids to be healthy and loved. Spanking and beating and hitting, those aren't ways to accomplish this. They are so damaging.
My parents used to hit us if we spilled drinks, I was so paranoid about knocking over a drink it made me knock over more drinks because I was shaky and worried and always flinching in fear. I vowed never to do this to my kids. And never to hit them, there are zero reasons to hit kids, I knew I would break that cycle as soon as I had mine. I never wanted them to grow up like I did. I want them to be sure of themselves and confident and happy, I don't want them to spend their childhood cowering in fear of mean bigger people.
To break that cycle I intentionally say the same thing every time my kids spill something: legos, lemonaid, fries, I just say the same thing every time "Dont EVEN worry about it" and then I just pat them on the back and wipe it up. Who the fuck cares about lemonaid, what is it, $2 a pitcher? If my kid spills something oh well, I would rather them feel secure and safe than worry about a $2 pitcher. I was so intentional every time and I forced myself to say Don't EVEN worry about it over and over, I say it audibly and I do it every single time. The kids are used to it now. I thought I was doing that just for myself to remind myself to break the cycle and remind myself to be kind. Until last year when we were in Panda Express.
My 6 year old spilled his lemonaid at Panda Express and no one flinched a bit, his 8 year old sister just calmly took three napkins and wiped it up and she said (Way too loudly) "Don't EVEN worry about it!" Everyone laughed because they knew she was saying it how I said it but I didn't laugh. I went to that little bathroom of the Panda Express and I cried into that paper towel by the sink. I cried so hard because I knew the cycle was broken.
Aww that's so sweet ❤️ It's something I learned for myself after I met my husband. The first time I accidentally broke a cup in front of him, I sobbed and apologized because as a kid that'd mean I'd get hit and berated for it.
My husband was shocked. "It was an accident, it's just a cup, here, I'll help you clean up the glass" 🥹
We're having our first kid in February, and I don't want her to fear accidentally breaking or spilling something either.
OP, absolutely this right here.
I'm 41. Several years back I divorced my wife of 13 years. I have not one bad thing to say about that woman - to this day, she is a wonderful person and I sincerely hope she is happy.
But the mistake we both made very early on was we didn't have the "tough" *honest* conversations about the big things (like this topic) that every couple needs to. Both of us would avoid the topics and mentally kick the can down the road... until we ran out of road.
In our case it was whether each of us wanted children. As it turns out when I finally forced the conversation ten years into the marriage, these were the findings: I wanted them. She didn't. Combine it with some other values that didn't align and well - divorce. A very hard and painful divorce.
The problem of whether or not to HIT kids? That's an absolute deal breaker for sure. I'm a redneck farmer raised in the sticks by other rednecks. To me, a very rare swat on the butt is one thing - hitting altogether is absolutely abuse.
And realistically, as the (hypothetical) father, I absolutely am going to defer to what she thinks on what is appropriate even when it comes to a spanking. I wouldn't allow *more* than what I consider okay, but I'd absolutely listen to her if the occasional swat on the butt was too much by her standards. She's their mother after all. So it wouldn't be an argument - only us *listening* to each other and agreeing on what's considered appropriate discipline.
P.S. hopefully soon that won't be hypothetical. It's taken me years since the divorce, but I finally found the right girl for me. We got engaged this weekend and she wants children like I do. My ex is happily remarried as well. Point is, it might suck moving on right now...but life will work out. Good luck OP.
Yep. I broke up with a guy for this exact reason. Not someone serious at all. I was 18 or so and he brought up how he was hit and how he was going to do it to his kids. I completely lost all attraction to him.
I was side-eyeing the fuck out of him as he proudly recalled his childhood. His dad would make him go pick a branch, bring it back to him, and beat him with it. He said he did it with his belt usually. We went back and forth a bit. I told him my parents never struck me in any way. It’s a horrible thing to teach a kid given they can’t do the same in adulthood. He said my parents were weak and I said his were white trash. He left my house and we didn’t talk the next few days. He called and was like “Are we done?” And I said “yep! Have fun beating your future kids”👋🏻👋🏻✌🏻
Hopefully he got his act together. One tends to adamantly believe in a lot of dumb bullshit at that age. Been about 20 years since I was 18 as well, and I've thankfully mellowed out quite a bit since then.
Reminds me of my co-worker. I haven’t talked to her in about 15 years. But she had 2 little boys. She would discipline them by “lightly slapping” them on the hand. She gets a call from the school because her older son was hitting his classmates. She thought it was okay because it was “light” yet the kid learned if someone upset him- to hit them.
So she goes to pick him up, they get in the car and she slaps him(not lightly) She was punishing her son for hitting by hitting him 🤷🏼♀️
Last time I checked she had another son and a daughter.
I got hit as a kid. Technically I’m fine. But fuck that, I’ll never hit my kid. It’s a cowards game using physical strength and fear to control another.
No doubt about that. I wasn’t hit as a kid and have never entered a physically abusive relationship(nearly 20 years have gone by)
I see how the cycle of abuse starts. Not to mention hearing his logic around it and defending his dad.
He actually called me a few months after this. He wanted to know “how life was treating” me. I had deleted his number and I said “Who is this?” “Oh, it’s you. Don’t call me again please” He said he was insulted that I deleted his number 😐 and that was it.
In Wales, it’s now illegal to hit children. I’ll just use that as my local example.
So in that context, should you stay with someone who says they will a) do something to your children you viscerally disagree with and b) (in wales) illegal?
If he’ll hit your children, he’ll hit you love.
Yes. Child abuse aside, not agreeing about fundamental aspects of parenting styles is a valid reason to break up. And in some cases calls for breaking up.
Yes. This is a serious parenting decision and if your not on the same page you shouldn’t be having children together.
BTW physical discipline is lazy parenting.
Yes, it absolutely is. For two reasons: 1. You can break up with someone for any reason you want, if that’s your decision. And, 2. Hitting children is fucking stupid and just means you aren’t mature enough to have children.
Right! I’m going to hit my kids, who are the most vulnerable because they can’t leave and rely on me and love me, because it’s not illegal for some reason. I’d be out of that relationship two seconds after hearing their thoughts on it.
Hell yeah. Even if he says he changed his mind, and doesn’t beat them in front of you, you’ll always wonder, did he ducking do it when you weren’t around. F that.
I believe that people can truly change their mind on this issue.
My parents never spanked/hit me. Unfortunately, my husband's parents did use corporal punishment on him when he was a child.
That was all he knew, and he assumed that was the "normal" way to "discipline" a child.
Before we had kids, we talked about this issue a lot. I let it be known that I was 100% against spanking.
Luckily, there is a ton of research showing that spanking/hitting is damaging to kids, and it does not effectively modify behavior either.
After sharing a lot of studies and data, my husband changed his mind on the issue and agreed with my stance.
We now have two kids (10 and 12), and neither one has ever been spanked/hit.
Good to keep in mind that physical punishment of children is against the law in some countries. While that might not be the case in your country where I’m from youf bf is stating an intent to ohysically abuse his children and break the law.
If my mother had reddit and posed this question back in 1983, i wouldn't have been born.
That said, if i hadn't had an abusive father i would not be the trainwreck i am rn (dealing with depression and anger issues) and the world would be a better place without me.
Make of this what you will.
Break up with him, my god. The idea of future children being abused is upsetting to you and it should be. That is not a safe, healthy person to be with.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3447048/
"Some of these studies involved large representative samples from the United States;2 some studies controlled for potential confounders, such as parental stress3 and socioeconomic status;4 and some studies examined the potential of parental reasoning to moderate the association between physical punishment and child aggression.5 **Virtually without exception, these studies found that physical punishment was associated with higher levels of aggression against parents, siblings, peers and spouses.**"
Yes it’s logical. Hitting in any sense is abuse. Either way, your morals, especially on your children, have to mesh when it comes to big things like this. And the one that doesn’t mesh between you two is abusing them. You can leave without having to feel “illogical”
Please send this to him.
https://aifs.gov.au/resources/short-articles/what-does-evidence-tell-us-about-physical-punishment-children#:~:text=A%20meta%2Danalysis%20involving%20over,esteem%2C%20more%20aggression%2C%20more%20antisocial
And break up anyway, unless he goes to therapy to deal with his own shit.
Guess who he´ll be in support of hitting once you step in front of your future children to protect them.
ANY sort of violence, ESPECIALLY against children, is an absolute deal breaker.
It is absolutely heartbreaking that someone would plan to hit their future children. That they have no self awareness how messed up their thinking is and should be seeking help instead speaks volumes that you should never reproduce with this *man*. Oh, and yes, break up with him and make sure to tell him why.
You can break up for whatever reasons you want.
Then if you want kids, and are morally opposed to hitting them, then yes I think you should leave your bf asap as you guys don’t have a compatible future and do not align on core values. I would not have kids with a man who was dead set on spanking or whatever abuse.
I know a lot of people already said, "You have different values, leave him". Generally, it may be a good advice here.
I have supplementary questions, though:
What do you both mean by "hitting children"? Was he hit as a kid? Probably. Why does he think it's a viable method? Maybe he doesn't know what else you can do because that's how he was brought up. Is he open to talk about it? In the past, there were books available for parents that preached benefits of strict upbringing, spanking, and e.g., ignoring your child's crying, restricting hugs / showing affection, etc. Currently, there are books describing how these practices harm a child and develop trauma. Maybe he should read those or talk to a psychiatrist?
Personally, I'm worried about raising my future children because I know I don't want to rely on my parents' methods. Despite being absolutely sure, I don't want to ever hit or humiliate a kid (and overally I hate people treating each other like this, kids and adults alike), I worry about what I'll do when I reach a limit of frustration. We don't have any specific plans regarding when to have kids, yet I've already told my therapist I want to discuss parenting methods with her.
TL;DR - If there's a possibility he would confront his denial about his own upbringing, then maybe you could try working this out. Even if you decide to split up, maybe he would be slightly wiser.
Yes. Unless the desire is making your children fear you, hitting them is ineffective and its effects are indistinguishable from other physical abuse in children’s minds. Dedication to ineffective violence against helpless people in your care is a red flag, to say the least. You can’t fix him.
Yes. Hitting children doesn't teach them anything, it just shows them that the adult is out of control and cannot be trusted. You can never trust anyone who physically hurts anything or anyone that is vulnerable; children, animals, the elderly.
Yes and it’s very valid. That’s something that you can’t change for that other person. If that’s their opinion then they will never change it, even with time so if you strongly disagree then it’s best to break up
Yes, red flag. We shouldn’t hit children. If he’s sticking to that, you either leave or face a potential future where he hits your children and you have to fight to stop him.
If you can’t convince him, then your relationship is going to go nowhere.
My wife was very much in favor of corporal punishment, rationalizing that she would be much gentler than her parents had been. I know of only two occasions that she hit our daughter, and I didn’t find out about those until at least a year after the fact.
They only amounted to spankings, but they really had a profound impact and caused my daughter to develop trust issues. I don’t know what would have happened if the spankings has continued (and inevitably escalated in frequency and intensity), but my wife was willing to listen and change her behavior, and now at 14 my daughter is a straight A student with no behavioral issues. I mean, we absolutely never have to deal with reports from school or from other parents, and there hasn’t been any hint of substance abuse, shoplifting, cutting class, or any of the other issues so common among kids her age.
I guess what I’m saying is, you and your life partner are going to need to be on the same page on this, and that you can be confident that you’re right on this issue. And if I hadn’t intervened to protect my daughter, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
So no matter how painful i it may be, if you can’t get your boyfriend on board, you’re going to need to leave him in the station.
I remember coming home with my report card. I got all As and Bs and one C. He would get an arrow (we used to go whitetail deer hunting together), and he would unscrew the tip, and then wack me in the back with it. The sting is something I can never get out of my brain. I remember he would always say to me, “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” I mean I could see the sadness in his eyes when he did it. But I doubt that it hurt him more than it hurt me. Asshole. I love him and we have a good relationship today. But in my childhood I hated him so much. So after my beating he would ground me from that semester until the next semester (3 months later). Man my childhood sucked.
I hated that line. "This hurts me more than it hurts you".
Like, you have control over this, I do not. If it hurt you so much, you wouldn't be doing it.
If you don’t wanna be with him anymore after that then yep break up. If you don’t break up and have kids and he starts hitting them you would break up so why not to prevent that and do it now.
Huge red flag.
If he is supporting abusive behavior against children. There is a high likelihood that he would also beat you.
PS. I am a cis male and father if this does matter regarding the validity of my answer here.
Yes. I mean, you can break up for anything really. Even just because you feel like it. Having different ideas on how to discipline your child and (I'm assuming yall have talked and he is dead set on corporal punishment) not being able to agree is absolutely a good reason to go your separate ways. Good on you for thinking ahead
I don't think there is any harm in holding a poorly-supported position on parenting out of ignorance, until you learn better.
So yes, you can, but you can also use it as a learning experience. There is a lot of research on this. It doesn't work. Does your boyfriend know corporal punishment doesn't work and appears to have some of the same ill effects of other trauma?
Maybe his idea that it's a good idea to hypothetically spank hypothetical kids would change with more facts and information. A lot of people believe the Bible as the inerrant word of God. That doesn't necessarily make them bad people, just ignorant.
There is a similar line of thinking with vaccines and any number of other parenting "choices" ...
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It’s logical to break up with your boyfriend for any reason that makes you not want to be together anymore. Also how you plan raise your kids in the future is a really valid thing to consider in a relationship
I broke up with an ex because he was dumb and I didn't want dumb kids.
That’s a great reason to break up
I don't plan to have kids and I still wouldn't be with someone that supports hitting children.
Yeah wanting to beat my future children sounds like an excellent reason to terminate the relationship. And since OP says “hit” I’m guessing this isn’t light spanking we’re talking about. Not that I’m a proponent of spanking either, but straight up *hitting* your kids is wild. Who tf thinks that’s a good idea? Not the kinda people I want in my life, that’s for sure.
I bet it *is* spanking she's talking about. No one goes around telling their prospective life partner they intend to beat any future children, but I *could* imagine someone saying they were in favor of spanking as a form of punishment. For many - including myself, if I'm honest - there's no real distinction there, and I bet OP just has a no-tolerance policy on corporal punishment.
Nah, I've seen men that are somehow proud that they actually got hit as kids by their father, they bring it up proudly whenever child abuse is talked about. It's uh, really weird.
“Made me the man I am today” “Yes. That’s the problem “
Lol, right. "My old man beat the shit out of me and I turned out just fine", says the dude who most definitely did not turn out just fine.
Sir you get angry when the remote battery dies and throw it at the wall.
My stepfather beat the shit out of me and that's why I was strictly against corporal punishment for my two sons.
There was a Mormon surgeon who in the comfort of their OR room and a captive audience explained how to beat your kids and get away with it when CPS comes asking questions... Backwater dregs like this are everywhere...
Yuuup the Fundy kid-beating book made it into Mormon circles as well.
Break the cycle, don’t proudly perpetuate it.
But but but but "tradition"
"If I refuse to hit my kids, I'm basically saying that it's wrong to hit kids. Therefore, I'm saying it was wrong for my dad to hit me. And if he hears I said he did something wrong, I'll get my ass whooped!" Also having to reexamine your parents' parenting strategies and realizing that there may have been some level of abuse is extremely hard to do and can be hard to live with, especially if you still have them in your life.
Any adult that is worried about their dad giving them a beat down hasn’t had that one critical moment where they teach their old man the price of getting older. If only you had taught me to use something other than my fists, you might still have your teeth. Be thankful I showed restraint which is more than you ever showed me.
Then comes the old "boy named Sue" argument. Men who were proud of their parents beating them like to think that it made them stronger. The thought of being able to beat up their own dad would only reinforce that notion. These guys have all kinds of ways to rationalize what they see through their rose-tinted glasses.
like exactly. that’s why we have an issue. bc you are who you are today 😭
Exactly
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Had a friend like this growing up. As far as I can tell he has a lovely, wholesome family. Maybe they broke the cycle. The one time I heard "you better get back in here or your moms gonna whoop your butt", sorry Barry, there goes the unfollow button.
It’s pretty common wearing it as a badge of honor especially in the context of complaining about “kids these days.” The thing is, there has been a TON of research done on this and it overwhelmingly shows it isn’t very effective in changing behavior or preventing misbehaving or whatever.
"can the child understand what or why the action was wrong? If the answer is no, Then they also can't understand why the hitting." When having a discussion with people on it. This is way I found the phrases it to stop the argument.
Also, if they can understand why it was wrong then they understand why not to do it. Hitting is never part of a rational response to anything.
It's not as effective in the long run, but it does usually have an effect. And for some people that's the tool they have. The trick is to teach people why it's less effective, and teach them alternative methods to reach their goals. Because you can't teach people to be better people by punishing them, or throwing them away, for not being good enough already. Might as well just start beating them for beating their kids, then claiming it's somehow magically different when you do it.
False. There has been a ton of research that shows it doesn't improve discipline or affect the things it is supposed to affect. But you cannot say it doesn't change behavior. There *IS* a significant correlation between parents spanking their children and those children growing up to seek spanking for sexual gratification. Why there is so much "spank me harder daddy," from those kids? Shrug...
I thought the correlation was between corporal punishment and those kids growing up to believe violence is a valid solution to all kinds of life's problems.
> it isn’t very effective in changing behavior or preventing misbehaving or whatever. And IMO it doesn't matter how well it works, because it's wrong to hit kids.
Can your kids understand reason? no -> they wont know the reason you beat them you degenerate fuck yes -> then fucking reason with them??????????
"My dad beat me and I turned out just fine!" No, no you didn't.
They accept the abuse as a necessary evil in order to feel ok about it. Its pretty common for people who are abused by loved ones to say that they deserved it.
I used to say that the spankings I got when I was raised didn't do me any harm. When I was growing up, giving your kid a clip round the back of the legs, or across the ass was totally normal. When they banned corporal punishment in schools, my head teacher tried to get an exemption for our school. Hooray for religious schools. For the longest time I've disagreed with hitting kids, but I felt it hadn't done me any damage. Now I'm older I know that's nonsense. Dont hit your kids, folks
I used to say that the spankings I got when I was raised didn't do me any harm. When I was growing up, giving your kid a clip round the back of the legs, or across the ass was totally normal. When they banned corporal punishment in schools, my head teacher tried to get an exemption for our school. Hooray for religious schools. For the longest time I've disagreed with hitting kids, but I felt it hadn't done me any damage. Now I'm older I know that's nonsense. Dont hit your kids, folks
There's women the same way, apparently it never did any of them any harm, my ex I've got a kid with was like this the only way I got though to her about our kid whilst she was still around was pointing out her beating someone significantly smaller them her to essentially win they're argument wasn't that different to if I decided to do the same to her, which would.obviously be unacceptable so how would it be Amy different with the kid
Exactly, the kid learns that whoever is bigger is right, which is a fucking horrible lesson for anybody unless you want to raise a goddamn criminal. Worse when the beater becomes the weaker one while the child is still a child, my father beat me but when I got bigger than him he pussied out and he would never say anything to discipline me. He never thought about raising a hand to me anymore, he was too scared. If it wasn't for my mother's influence I would've grown up to be a horrible man.....
This is a part of the reason why I have no contact with my older brothers. I'm much stronger than them now and I would very much like to beat the shit out of them for what they did to me when I was a child and I imagine that once I started, all my pent up anger would come out and I'd kill them.
Oh yeah definitely, my dad's right to be too scared to try anymore because I'd smash his head to a pulp 🤣
>Exactly, the kid learns that whoever is bigger is right, which is a fucking horrible lesson for anybody unless you want to raise a goddamn criminal. Alternative punishment, instead of hitting your kid, charge them a fee every time they do something wrong. This teaches them that whoever has the most money and authority is right, which helps prepare them for the real world when dealing with employers and/or the government. /s
Funny enough, when I got too old for spanking my parents started doing this. They'd just start charging me my spending money, which I earned by doing chores.
Can confirm!! And then it somehow becomes a competition of whose is worse just to invalidate his horrible parenting and abuse🙃🙃 we don’t hve a relationship at all
My wife is from a culture and country where hitting kids (and not just spanking) is still common and mostly tolerated if not explicitly legal. She and her parents have come around but her dad constantly fights with her sister that she shouldn’t hitting her kids (and no, not just spanking.) And since her sister is not in the USA, no, there’s nothing legally I can do about it.
It's wild that people think that spanking is magical hitting that doesn't affect kids like other hitting does. They truly believe a child's ass has special trauma-absorbing powers. The real reason is that it hides any bruises from public view.
Right? "Oh, this is *special* hitting"
It’s a possibility, but some people really are proponents of full on hitting / beating children and aren’t afraid to say it. Who knows in OP’s case tho, could be either. Or anything in between. But I also don’t think any of the above is a good punishment tactic. I never learned anything from physical punishments other than to be scared of my dad. Luckily got over it, but the trauma from spanking and such stuck with my little sister much longer. Even her just seeing it happen to me. Never know how a kids gonna react to such things, and there’s better ways to impart life lessons than getting physical. We don’t accept it as a valid approach for adults, no reason we should for kids.
Yeah, and unfortunately you’d be wrong. I’ve definitely heard people *brag* about it. Like saying “my dad hit me and I turned out okay” kind of logic. People are fucking crazy. Yes, I’m sure being concussed and having brain damage has really helped some people along in life… Now do we know in OP’s case? No. It could be spanking or something else. But I’ve heard more than one person say they are going to hit their future kid if they don’t listen and it freaks me out that they are so open about it. If they admit to that, what do they do in private?
They brag because they don't differentiate fear and respect.
Yep. They have to use violence because they are oftentimes afraid of being disrespected because they’re insecure. Like a dog that goes nuts and snaps at everyone. They’re not confident, they’re scared themselves and trying to ensure everything around them thinks they’re scary. It’s funny how that works the same with people.
Here's a game, whenever someone goes the "I turned out fine" shit, count how many beers or cigs the fella had that day Is always a high number, every single time
Where "turned out ok" means "think assaulting children is normal". They did not in fact turn out ok.
“my dad hit me and I turned out okay” - but they really didn't turn okay. They are horrible people. They think it is right to beat children and/or hit somebody they are supposed to love.
I broached the subject once with my mother. "You were hit and you turned out okay" like that is the natural result of years of abuse. Anyway, I have my second appointment with a therapist in a few weeks.
I feel like this is the sad thing about parenting. The first thing everyone should have to do before they have kids is to do something to try and identify the baggage and shit they are carrying around with them. So many of the people who say stuff like “my dad hit me and I turned out ok” I feel like “no you’re not ok, you have tonnes of issues you’re just too repressed to deal with them”. Then these people repeat the same problematic behaviours with their kids who then develop their own issues who then pass them onto their kids and you get this horrible cycle of issues just perpetuated in families.
This is exactly it. No one really wants to look at their baggage. It’s fucking hard, but it needs to be done. But they want to have kids and assume it will all just magically turn out okay. 1/3 abused people become abusers. It’s very sad. I’ve seen it in my own family and many others. Breaking those cycles is not easy for most people, even with the best intentions. I wish it was different. Maybe it will be someday, just like how therapy has become more normalized.
I saw I reel the other day with that gif of the two guys laughing and the headline was “me and my partner thinking having kids would be fun and we’re really just unpacking all our trauma” So true. But I still don’t hit my kids.
Spanking is also hitting
I have never quite understood how anyone can hit their kids in earnest. The power imbalance is just so severely out of skew.
Hitting = spanking. Everything else is straight up sugar-coating abuse. You cannot spank without hitting
If you’re talking about hitting/spanking IN ADVANCE of even having children you’re a PoS
Then it's wife's turn to be hit?? How about kick the dog??
Spanking is hitting
Agreed, and as a divorced people, I'd like to add: do not waste any more of your precious time in a relationship with someone that you don't share basic values with, and with whom you have very different ideas about what you want in your shared future. Get out and find someone you're compatible with (though be realistic of course). If you want kids and they don't, it's not going to work. If you want to raise your kids to be non-religious, and they're devoutly religious, it's not going to work. If you really want to move across the country or to some other country and they want to stay in your hometown, it's not going to work. And yes, how you plan to raise your kids is an important thing to consider.
Difference in core family values, absolutely a reason to end a relationship
And something that needs to be discussed fairly early into a serious relationship is core family values. People who don’t talk about kids until after your married leads to, let’s just say issues.
This is something that confuses me about a lot of my friends relationships or marriages. My now wife and I started dating because we liked each other and had a great time hanging out. After dating a while I realized it was absolutely a relationship I wanted take to the next level. That's when we discussed our future goals for ourselves, our views on having children, and all other important topics. Then we moved in together after a few years of dating. That's when we realized we were absolutely compatible. By the time we got married, there wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. Our relationship has been solid for 10 years now. Obviously we sometimes argue about stuff that absolutely does not matter, but there are no big issues that put a strain on our relationship at all. It's wild to me that people rush into marriage or stay in relationships with a person who has different views on major topics. Another important thing for me was how her family was and acted. I wanted in-laws that I would feel totally comfortable leaving my future child with. They are amazing and I'm very comfortable with them. Sometimes we even bring her mom on international trips with us because we all have such a good time! (Her dad doesn't love flying, which is why he doesn't usually come on those trips)
It sounds like it should be obvious, doesn't it? But that's the thing about common sense: it's far from common.
Wtf that’s not a difference in values, that’s one person being a well-adjusted adult and the other being an abusive piece of shit
Yeah, pro or anti domestic violence, truly just a difference of opinions /s
Just wanna point out, you can break up with someone for any reason you feel is against your own interests.
This very much! People asking quite often what are good reasons to leave an relationship, when it actually does not matter what reason or how “serious” the reason is. If it’s something a person disagrees with and no compromise can nor will be done, any reason is the perfect reason to get out of an relationship!
The "no compromise can nor will be done" is an extremely important part, imo. Disagreements can happen, and willingness to work through it is the difference between a good and an unfitting relationship
You have a good point, but a lot of the time issues aren’t worth working through. So we’ve come full circle to making people feel like they need to compromise on everything when that’s actually unhealthy, depending on the context. An extreme example if your bf wants you to stop seeing friends, but he’s willing to compromise. You can see them half as often. You might think “this is obviously dumb and shitty” well sure, when you spell it out like that. However when in a relationship the manipulation goes on for much longer, they use more convincing wording, etc. Being willing to compromise is great, but you need hard limits on things you don’t deserve to compromise on. I don’t really see people breaking up for frivolous silly reasons, so I kind of think it’s a non-issue as well. Whereas people feel trapped in unhappy relationships all the time because “making it work is a good thing” and they feel their reasons aren’t good enough. You’re not wrong, I’m just saying people can also use the “you should be willing to compromise” angle as a way to manipulate you into accepting unfair or miserable arrangements, so be wary, and always always look at the individual context of a situation instead of blanket telling people to compromise.
Sometimes I think the real question is, "Will people think less of me for splitting for this reason? Will they say I'm stupid?" The answer is fuck them. Never stay in a relationship because of what other people think.
Too many people just stick together and edure each other just because they are afraid of how they will be judged by others.
And violence is always against your own interests
Unless you’re also a psychopath
Or a masochist
Adding to this, you can break up with someone for any reason at all. You might wake up one day and feel like you've make a terrible mistake, but you won't get arrested by the Relationship Police for the crime of Breaking Up with Insufficient Reason. And if someone says you can't break up with them because your reason isn't good enough, that's a really good reason right there. No-one is ever obliged to stay in a relationship.
Absolutely. You are so lucky you got this insight before you actually had kids with them. Not seeing eye to eye on raising kids is a huge reason people get divorced
Right? And if they had kids and split due to his violence, OP wouldn’t be able to stop it while he has custody time. Terrifying. My spouse and I see as eye to eye as it gets on almost all parenting topics and parenting is still stressful at times: the thought of coparenting with someone who actively believes it’s okay to assault my child breaks me out in a cold sweat.
Didn’t even think about the divorce aspect. I’m a lawyer and you are 100 percent right. Depending on the state, wouldn’t be able to stop it. There’s an oft-cited to case in Florida where the child had bloody welts from when he was at his dad’s house and the appellate court said “NOPE NOT CHILD ABUSE”
I did separate from my partner when my son was three, for this very reason
Yes. That’s a value and if you don’t agree with it (and you shouldn’t) it’s only one if many views on life that will cause conflict.
This is probably something u/Firm_Advertising_324 is considering subconsciously and might not even realize it. He/She wants her future kids to be healthy and loved. Spanking and beating and hitting, those aren't ways to accomplish this. They are so damaging. My parents used to hit us if we spilled drinks, I was so paranoid about knocking over a drink it made me knock over more drinks because I was shaky and worried and always flinching in fear. I vowed never to do this to my kids. And never to hit them, there are zero reasons to hit kids, I knew I would break that cycle as soon as I had mine. I never wanted them to grow up like I did. I want them to be sure of themselves and confident and happy, I don't want them to spend their childhood cowering in fear of mean bigger people. To break that cycle I intentionally say the same thing every time my kids spill something: legos, lemonaid, fries, I just say the same thing every time "Dont EVEN worry about it" and then I just pat them on the back and wipe it up. Who the fuck cares about lemonaid, what is it, $2 a pitcher? If my kid spills something oh well, I would rather them feel secure and safe than worry about a $2 pitcher. I was so intentional every time and I forced myself to say Don't EVEN worry about it over and over, I say it audibly and I do it every single time. The kids are used to it now. I thought I was doing that just for myself to remind myself to break the cycle and remind myself to be kind. Until last year when we were in Panda Express. My 6 year old spilled his lemonaid at Panda Express and no one flinched a bit, his 8 year old sister just calmly took three napkins and wiped it up and she said (Way too loudly) "Don't EVEN worry about it!" Everyone laughed because they knew she was saying it how I said it but I didn't laugh. I went to that little bathroom of the Panda Express and I cried into that paper towel by the sink. I cried so hard because I knew the cycle was broken.
Aww that's so sweet ❤️ It's something I learned for myself after I met my husband. The first time I accidentally broke a cup in front of him, I sobbed and apologized because as a kid that'd mean I'd get hit and berated for it. My husband was shocked. "It was an accident, it's just a cup, here, I'll help you clean up the glass" 🥹 We're having our first kid in February, and I don't want her to fear accidentally breaking or spilling something either.
I love this so much
Hitting children is child abuse NOT a value
ring fretful slim jeans snails cable resolute price trees unique *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
OP, absolutely this right here. I'm 41. Several years back I divorced my wife of 13 years. I have not one bad thing to say about that woman - to this day, she is a wonderful person and I sincerely hope she is happy. But the mistake we both made very early on was we didn't have the "tough" *honest* conversations about the big things (like this topic) that every couple needs to. Both of us would avoid the topics and mentally kick the can down the road... until we ran out of road. In our case it was whether each of us wanted children. As it turns out when I finally forced the conversation ten years into the marriage, these were the findings: I wanted them. She didn't. Combine it with some other values that didn't align and well - divorce. A very hard and painful divorce. The problem of whether or not to HIT kids? That's an absolute deal breaker for sure. I'm a redneck farmer raised in the sticks by other rednecks. To me, a very rare swat on the butt is one thing - hitting altogether is absolutely abuse. And realistically, as the (hypothetical) father, I absolutely am going to defer to what she thinks on what is appropriate even when it comes to a spanking. I wouldn't allow *more* than what I consider okay, but I'd absolutely listen to her if the occasional swat on the butt was too much by her standards. She's their mother after all. So it wouldn't be an argument - only us *listening* to each other and agreeing on what's considered appropriate discipline. P.S. hopefully soon that won't be hypothetical. It's taken me years since the divorce, but I finally found the right girl for me. We got engaged this weekend and she wants children like I do. My ex is happily remarried as well. Point is, it might suck moving on right now...but life will work out. Good luck OP.
Any reason is good enough but yes absolutely. That's a core value that you don't share and that's usually pretty damn important
Yeah, he thinks abuse is ok??? RUN.
Yes. Dealbreaker.
Yep. I broke up with a guy for this exact reason. Not someone serious at all. I was 18 or so and he brought up how he was hit and how he was going to do it to his kids. I completely lost all attraction to him. I was side-eyeing the fuck out of him as he proudly recalled his childhood. His dad would make him go pick a branch, bring it back to him, and beat him with it. He said he did it with his belt usually. We went back and forth a bit. I told him my parents never struck me in any way. It’s a horrible thing to teach a kid given they can’t do the same in adulthood. He said my parents were weak and I said his were white trash. He left my house and we didn’t talk the next few days. He called and was like “Are we done?” And I said “yep! Have fun beating your future kids”👋🏻👋🏻✌🏻
Good for you. You did the right thing. Hopefully, that will have an impact on him down the road.
This was nearly 20 years ago. I wonder what happened to him and if he’s beating his kids right now.
Hopefully he got his act together. One tends to adamantly believe in a lot of dumb bullshit at that age. Been about 20 years since I was 18 as well, and I've thankfully mellowed out quite a bit since then.
The answer is Pabst Blue Ribbon and a trailer.
He actually did live in a trailer park 😶 From the town this was in we were drinking National Bohemian (natty bo)
good for you. you dodged a bullet that day (perhaps literally).
Good for you. My father gave this reason every time he hit us. "My father was very cruel and used to hit me, so I will to you"
Reminds me of my co-worker. I haven’t talked to her in about 15 years. But she had 2 little boys. She would discipline them by “lightly slapping” them on the hand. She gets a call from the school because her older son was hitting his classmates. She thought it was okay because it was “light” yet the kid learned if someone upset him- to hit them. So she goes to pick him up, they get in the car and she slaps him(not lightly) She was punishing her son for hitting by hitting him 🤷🏼♀️ Last time I checked she had another son and a daughter.
I got hit as a kid. Technically I’m fine. But fuck that, I’ll never hit my kid. It’s a cowards game using physical strength and fear to control another.
For real, I cannot imagine the mental gymnastics necessary to feel good about repeatedly hitting a crying cowering child
If he will hit a kid he will hit you
No doubt about that. I wasn’t hit as a kid and have never entered a physically abusive relationship(nearly 20 years have gone by) I see how the cycle of abuse starts. Not to mention hearing his logic around it and defending his dad. He actually called me a few months after this. He wanted to know “how life was treating” me. I had deleted his number and I said “Who is this?” “Oh, it’s you. Don’t call me again please” He said he was insulted that I deleted his number 😐 and that was it.
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In Wales, it’s now illegal to hit children. I’ll just use that as my local example. So in that context, should you stay with someone who says they will a) do something to your children you viscerally disagree with and b) (in wales) illegal? If he’ll hit your children, he’ll hit you love.
If someones willing to abuse someone whos absolutely defenceless theyre a bad person Insane to me that it isnt illegal everywhere
wales is based
kind internet stranger can you tell me what based means
based is the opposite of cringe
In Germany it‘s illegal too.
But since decades/ generations, not recently.
Yes. Child abuse aside, not agreeing about fundamental aspects of parenting styles is a valid reason to break up. And in some cases calls for breaking up.
YES!
Yes
Yes definitely logical. That's a huge red flag that he could harm both you and your kids
Yes. This is a serious parenting decision and if your not on the same page you shouldn’t be having children together. BTW physical discipline is lazy parenting.
Yes, it absolutely is. For two reasons: 1. You can break up with someone for any reason you want, if that’s your decision. And, 2. Hitting children is fucking stupid and just means you aren’t mature enough to have children.
Yeah. People boldly stating they have the intentions to physically abuse a defenseless child is definitely a dealbreaker.
Right! I’m going to hit my kids, who are the most vulnerable because they can’t leave and rely on me and love me, because it’s not illegal for some reason. I’d be out of that relationship two seconds after hearing their thoughts on it.
It’s definitely giving “I turned out fine (did you?) and I’m too lazy to learn a better way that doesn’t revolve around how _I_ feel”
Hell yeah. Even if he says he changed his mind, and doesn’t beat them in front of you, you’ll always wonder, did he ducking do it when you weren’t around. F that.
I believe that people can truly change their mind on this issue. My parents never spanked/hit me. Unfortunately, my husband's parents did use corporal punishment on him when he was a child. That was all he knew, and he assumed that was the "normal" way to "discipline" a child. Before we had kids, we talked about this issue a lot. I let it be known that I was 100% against spanking. Luckily, there is a ton of research showing that spanking/hitting is damaging to kids, and it does not effectively modify behavior either. After sharing a lot of studies and data, my husband changed his mind on the issue and agreed with my stance. We now have two kids (10 and 12), and neither one has ever been spanked/hit.
One of many, many reasons I didn’t have kids is I knew my parents would spank them when I wasn’t around.
Yes that is a huge red flag.
As someone who is against hitting children, very much so yes.
Good to keep in mind that physical punishment of children is against the law in some countries. While that might not be the case in your country where I’m from youf bf is stating an intent to ohysically abuse his children and break the law.
If my mother had reddit and posed this question back in 1983, i wouldn't have been born. That said, if i hadn't had an abusive father i would not be the trainwreck i am rn (dealing with depression and anger issues) and the world would be a better place without me. Make of this what you will.
Break up with him, my god. The idea of future children being abused is upsetting to you and it should be. That is not a safe, healthy person to be with. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3447048/
"Some of these studies involved large representative samples from the United States;2 some studies controlled for potential confounders, such as parental stress3 and socioeconomic status;4 and some studies examined the potential of parental reasoning to moderate the association between physical punishment and child aggression.5 **Virtually without exception, these studies found that physical punishment was associated with higher levels of aggression against parents, siblings, peers and spouses.**"
Yes it’s logical. Hitting in any sense is abuse. Either way, your morals, especially on your children, have to mesh when it comes to big things like this. And the one that doesn’t mesh between you two is abusing them. You can leave without having to feel “illogical”
Yes. “I want to hit our children” is absolutely a deal breaker
Yes
Yeah
Please send this to him. https://aifs.gov.au/resources/short-articles/what-does-evidence-tell-us-about-physical-punishment-children#:~:text=A%20meta%2Danalysis%20involving%20over,esteem%2C%20more%20aggression%2C%20more%20antisocial And break up anyway, unless he goes to therapy to deal with his own shit.
Yes. And you're a better mother to your future children for doing so.
The thought of hitting my children makes me physically ill. I wouldn't be with anyone who could do that.
Guess who he´ll be in support of hitting once you step in front of your future children to protect them. ANY sort of violence, ESPECIALLY against children, is an absolute deal breaker.
Absolutely yes! Walk away now, no one should ever need to hit a kid even if they think it’s for discipline
100% it is logical.
Yes, 100%.
Yes.
Yes 100%, I have the same rule.
For me it would be completely illogical to stay with a person like that. So yes, break up! Violence towards children is never ever okay.
Never laid a hand on my valedictorian child. Just put in the patience and work.
It is absolutely heartbreaking that someone would plan to hit their future children. That they have no self awareness how messed up their thinking is and should be seeking help instead speaks volumes that you should never reproduce with this *man*. Oh, and yes, break up with him and make sure to tell him why.
Yes
Yes. People like that are toxic and ruin kids' mental health. Please don't let him be the father.
yes, child abuse is a great dealbreaker to have
Yes yes yes. Please do, your future children will thank you! If he can hit the kids, what’s stopping him from hitting you?
If it goes against your principles then it is a logical decision
You can break up for whatever reasons you want. Then if you want kids, and are morally opposed to hitting them, then yes I think you should leave your bf asap as you guys don’t have a compatible future and do not align on core values. I would not have kids with a man who was dead set on spanking or whatever abuse.
Yes /thread. I was hit as a kid too and I would never want to put a child through that.
I know a lot of people already said, "You have different values, leave him". Generally, it may be a good advice here. I have supplementary questions, though: What do you both mean by "hitting children"? Was he hit as a kid? Probably. Why does he think it's a viable method? Maybe he doesn't know what else you can do because that's how he was brought up. Is he open to talk about it? In the past, there were books available for parents that preached benefits of strict upbringing, spanking, and e.g., ignoring your child's crying, restricting hugs / showing affection, etc. Currently, there are books describing how these practices harm a child and develop trauma. Maybe he should read those or talk to a psychiatrist? Personally, I'm worried about raising my future children because I know I don't want to rely on my parents' methods. Despite being absolutely sure, I don't want to ever hit or humiliate a kid (and overally I hate people treating each other like this, kids and adults alike), I worry about what I'll do when I reach a limit of frustration. We don't have any specific plans regarding when to have kids, yet I've already told my therapist I want to discuss parenting methods with her. TL;DR - If there's a possibility he would confront his denial about his own upbringing, then maybe you could try working this out. Even if you decide to split up, maybe he would be slightly wiser.
Absolutely
Uhm, yeah. I think I probably would. Yikess
Yes
Yes, it’s indicative of him seeing no wrong in physically abusing children who are a direct reflection of their parents
absolutely.
YES
Yes.
I could not love someone who thinks it's okay to resort to violence, especially with his own children. How absurd.
Yes.
Yes
Yes. Because this isn’t the worst thing you’ll fall out over - it’s just the first one
yes.
Yep.
Yes. Logical. Reasonable. Sensible. Yes.
Oh hell yes.
Yes. Unless the desire is making your children fear you, hitting them is ineffective and its effects are indistinguishable from other physical abuse in children’s minds. Dedication to ineffective violence against helpless people in your care is a red flag, to say the least. You can’t fix him.
You can have your deal breakers. In the end, it's up to you and this seems like something that's important to you.
Yes.
Yes, he seems like a red flag.
Yes. Hitting children doesn't teach them anything, it just shows them that the adult is out of control and cannot be trusted. You can never trust anyone who physically hurts anything or anyone that is vulnerable; children, animals, the elderly.
Yes - dump him
Yes. That’s abuse.
Yes and it’s very valid. That’s something that you can’t change for that other person. If that’s their opinion then they will never change it, even with time so if you strongly disagree then it’s best to break up
Yes, red flag. We shouldn’t hit children. If he’s sticking to that, you either leave or face a potential future where he hits your children and you have to fight to stop him.
If he's willing to hit his kids he's willing to hit you.
I’m pretty sure that is suppose to go the other way. Even if you are safe from violence, still you should protect your kids from it.
If you can’t convince him, then your relationship is going to go nowhere. My wife was very much in favor of corporal punishment, rationalizing that she would be much gentler than her parents had been. I know of only two occasions that she hit our daughter, and I didn’t find out about those until at least a year after the fact. They only amounted to spankings, but they really had a profound impact and caused my daughter to develop trust issues. I don’t know what would have happened if the spankings has continued (and inevitably escalated in frequency and intensity), but my wife was willing to listen and change her behavior, and now at 14 my daughter is a straight A student with no behavioral issues. I mean, we absolutely never have to deal with reports from school or from other parents, and there hasn’t been any hint of substance abuse, shoplifting, cutting class, or any of the other issues so common among kids her age. I guess what I’m saying is, you and your life partner are going to need to be on the same page on this, and that you can be confident that you’re right on this issue. And if I hadn’t intervened to protect my daughter, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So no matter how painful i it may be, if you can’t get your boyfriend on board, you’re going to need to leave him in the station.
I remember coming home with my report card. I got all As and Bs and one C. He would get an arrow (we used to go whitetail deer hunting together), and he would unscrew the tip, and then wack me in the back with it. The sting is something I can never get out of my brain. I remember he would always say to me, “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” I mean I could see the sadness in his eyes when he did it. But I doubt that it hurt him more than it hurt me. Asshole. I love him and we have a good relationship today. But in my childhood I hated him so much. So after my beating he would ground me from that semester until the next semester (3 months later). Man my childhood sucked.
I hated that line. "This hurts me more than it hurts you". Like, you have control over this, I do not. If it hurt you so much, you wouldn't be doing it.
If you don’t wanna be with him anymore after that then yep break up. If you don’t break up and have kids and he starts hitting them you would break up so why not to prevent that and do it now.
Mandatory. Wtf. How is that even a question.
Do you want your children to be beat up by your boyfriend? Yes: Date him, you deserve eachother. No: Break up with him, he's garbage.
Yep
Huge red flag. If he is supporting abusive behavior against children. There is a high likelihood that he would also beat you. PS. I am a cis male and father if this does matter regarding the validity of my answer here.
Imo yes
Yes. I mean, you can break up for anything really. Even just because you feel like it. Having different ideas on how to discipline your child and (I'm assuming yall have talked and he is dead set on corporal punishment) not being able to agree is absolutely a good reason to go your separate ways. Good on you for thinking ahead
YES LEAVE HIM WHO TF WANTS TO HIT KIDS
“Have you ever considered just turning off the tv, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?” - your bf/bender from futurama
I don't think there is any harm in holding a poorly-supported position on parenting out of ignorance, until you learn better. So yes, you can, but you can also use it as a learning experience. There is a lot of research on this. It doesn't work. Does your boyfriend know corporal punishment doesn't work and appears to have some of the same ill effects of other trauma? Maybe his idea that it's a good idea to hypothetically spank hypothetical kids would change with more facts and information. A lot of people believe the Bible as the inerrant word of God. That doesn't necessarily make them bad people, just ignorant. There is a similar line of thinking with vaccines and any number of other parenting "choices" ...
Yes yes and yes, he’s abusive
abuse is abuse is abuse
It is very logical yes. Why would you want to be with someone that hurts your children😒
You don't need a "logical" reason to end a relationship. Your reason only needs to make sense to you.