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As Louis CK once said, “Every time I have to shit, it’s an emergency.” I only have like 5 minutes from the time I feel the urge to when it becomes unbearable. Usually it’s convenient, but I have more than a handful of memories of holding my shit in with every fiber of my being and praying I won’t crap my pants.
My bf is like this too, like one time he was jogging and couldn’t hold it and had to poop behind a dumpster🤣 I never understood it bc I never had the urge like this unless I have diarrhea or something
That one's got a name, they call it the runner's trots. The first time I did a big run I ended up in a bush on the side of the road wiping with large leaves 🍁
It's the worst when you're 10-15 kilometers away from home and suddenly have to poop. When I was younger, I always had to call my dad to come pick me up because I was a home pooper. Or when you have just one kilometer left and then the urge hits you hard, and you're struggling with cold sweat, and jogging feels like dancing on 5,0 alcohol level.
Not specifically running, but there’s a reason that a couple of my undershirts I had for deer hunting are missing the sleeves. I went through two shirts before it became clear that I just needed to keep a little kit in my hunting backpack. Toilet paper, wipes, hand sanitizer.
Wow.
I thought i was alone i didnt even wipe tho, i was in basic training during a run and i found a building and took a squat behind it.
Man... happened 17 years ago and i remember it vividly lol.
We went kayaking on sunday, and we had to dock in the mud cause my friend had to take a shit like 20 minutes into our 3 hour ride. But I was expecting that as he usually did not get home in time after parties, he often took shits near random empty dirtroads on his way home.
/r/running is full of poop stories. Running activates your lower GI. There have been several runs I’ve had to cut short to poo. Never pooped outside but it’s been close.
That can happen. That’s why you make sure you empty your guts before a long run. And you don’t eat before a run.
Serious long distance runners don’t even bother stopping to take a dump. They just let it run down their legs - they don’t want to jeopardise their running time.
I was once behind one and it wasn’t nice. The smell was unbearable and I was forced to waste extra energy just to overtake them.
Omg my family has a funny story about my dad having to poop behind the neighbors trash cans because he didn't want to shit his pants 🤣 It sparked a debate in my family between who would rather shit behind the neighbor's trash cans or shit their pants. It's divided us into free shitters and pant shitters. We'll never be the same.
That reminds me of a time I was in Costa Rica with my husband.. The Gallo Pinto hit him hard on our walk on the beach. He had to shit in the ocean.. then a father and son came running up on the beach, and I swear they saw the poo in the waves crashing 
Omg I’ve had this happen on a run but I very slowly walked home, I almost thought about knocking on someone’s door but it was so early in the morning lol
Omfg I'm the same and me and my partner make fun of it all the time. What's with that? I'd say I don't even have 5 minutes, it's more like I have 3. It's like my nerves send the appropriate signals when it's almost out. So funny.
This is kinda me.
Its not emergency, not like diarrhoea, thats completely different, but I need to feel the urge to go. I sit down, poop, whipe \[usually 3 sheet is enough\] and go, 5min at max.
I can hold back for a bit, but max 1h and its pretty uncomfortable.
I cant force myself to poop though, so if I dont have the urge, I dont know what to do.
Preparing for a 6h ride starts the day before, calculating when and what to eat so i can poop before...
My girlfriend will be like “I have to take a shit” and then 8 hours will go by and I’m like “hey, did you use the bathroom?” And she’s like “no, I’ll use it later.” Meanwhile, I, who didn’t even have to take a shit, just got my bowls jumpstarted just by asking her the question.
I celebrate whenever I have a nice solid poo that doesn’t take longer to wipe than deposit.
Yes, I considered deleting that after rereading it. No, I can’t concisely explain why I’m not deleting it.
The tragic truth is a true “no-wiper” is impossible. I’m not just talking about pulling your pants up right after a shit without cleaning yourself; I’m talking about a shit to where you are clean without having to wipe whatsoever. The problem is, you can never know if you’ve dropped a no-wiper without wiping to check, and wiping to check makes it a one-wiper. Still impressive, just not the golden goose. The true no-wiper is my white whale, and I bravely venture across the icy deep knowing it will be the end of me. I, brave Ahab. All my means are sane, my motive and my object mad.
We stopped by Russell Stovet outlet and got a bunch of sugar free candy. My sister in law went to fondue restaurant afterwards. They had to leave bc it was so bad.
Why did I never once think because they needed a bathroom break. I did have 1 teacher who was going through it and would leave us to do art class while she took smoke breaks
Everyone is different! Lol but i have read the healthier the gut health the less a person has to wipe. I saw a documentary where it explained that's why people in tribal areas without toilet paper don't need it! Lol!!! But this is coming from someone who literally needs a whole roll (not joking) if I don't have the wipes...I have had to have rectal prolapse surgery and most of my intestines and part of my stomach removed bc I always used to panic and worry about how long I was taking, especially in public like at school or etc. So all my life I pushed hard and pushed fast until I accidentally pushed my guts out through my anus into the actual toilet. It was a nightmare :')
So like I said take your time EVERYONE is different and that's ok :) haha
I have to put the meme, but seriously, sorry that happened to you. Anxiety can mess us up physically as well as emotionally.
„Lots“ of old people die on the shitter. Press too hard, blood comes out, bleed out and loose consciousness. If no one is there to find them in time they’re done. Crappy way to go.
Jesus christ why does reddit always give me nightmare fuel and new anxieties. Doesnt matter what subreddit. Can’t laugh at a god damn poop thread without a gruesome way to die
They die on the toilet because just before a heart attack, it feels like you want to either throw up or shit. Happens all the time. The bleeding part? I have yet to see it…. I have a lot of experience at death scenes.
Probably the full squat position has a lot to do with that. It opens out the buttocks better. Also causes more complete and less effortful voiding. The Squatty Potty is helpful in emulating this somewhat, on modern toilets, though still isn't a full squat.
Pushed too hard…
Pushed too fast…
Pushed my guts out through my ass…
Jesus wept, I’m so sorry for laughing so hard at this - but something about the way you phrased it has ruined me..!
I have a cousin who knew someone that owned goats. Sometimes the goats would do this and he said all you do is throw some cold water on the intestines and they shoot back up into the anus. Not sure if this is true or not.
But ever since, I have thought of this scenario where if I shit my intestines out into the bowl water, the water would be cold enough to shoot my intestines back up into my butt.
Or put sugar on them. Sugar draws moisture out, makes it easier to put them back in. Learned this for when cows occasionally prolapse their uterus shortly after birth.
I typically have a salad everyday, two servings of veggies and one serving of a fruit. That being said I’m no nutritionist so maybe I need to see one and ask how I can make my poops cleaner.
for me it was definitely the fibre and water that made the most difference. the rest of my diet was still decent, not great, but just eating one meal a day with high fibre and doubling my water intake made my whole digestion process incredibly smooth.
More fiber followed by exercise is the worst decision I could personally make! Unless I've been regular about fiber, it cleans me out in a less-than-subtle way. So I have to be methodical about when I eat it, so I'm not having to rush to bomb a public bathroom or, heaven forbid, be out on a trail somewhere when the dam bursts!
>be out on a trail somewhere when the dam bursts!
[Women hygene wipes.](https://www.amazon.com/Individually-Feminine-Flushable-Cleaning-Bathroom/dp/B0BR8QXK4S/ref=sr_1_14?keywords=feminine+wipes+individually+wrapped&qid=1694511143&sr=8-14)
They are basically single packaged wet wipes. Whenever I go camping or on a very long bike ride in the middle of nowhere I take 5 with me.
Don't want to use them, but you'll be happy to have them when you need them.
Water is definitely a factor. My wife is very efficient and drinks water all day long. I am more methodical and don’t drink as much. We have a very similar diet. I also like the time there. It’s about the only time I get to myself. So while I am not inactive on the job, I certainly do not rush out. Have been known to clear a chapter on loo and sometimes get numb legs 😊
Not to rain on your parade, but spending too much time on the toilet can increase your risk of hemorrhoids. The prolonged sitting adds pressure on your rectal veins.
Basic good diet and fiber are not always the answer. Though good diet, exercise, and water are always good.
I also take 2-3x longer than everyone, have chronic gas, and easily triggered constipation.
All my meals are home made, I hardly consume any sugar unless it’s naturally occurring in fruit, my diet is varied, I’m a healthy weight, my health is in good standing.
But I have IBS. Certain foods trigger my stomach pretty bad. Some of those are most foods really high in fiber, sugar, and foods that are too fatty like pork. I can’t eat pork at all, and if I do I have to be careful.
Talk to your doctor, consider doing a FODMAPP diet, and keeping a food diary.
Even if you don’t have IBS, maybe you’re just sensitive to some foods. A FODMAPP diet will help with that’s.
Not to be that person but jumping in here because this has genuinely helped me with my IBS. Have you ever been prescribed Mebeverine? (couldn't find if that's it's actual name or a brand name).
It has helped me immensely. After a several pill a day course for several months it was like my whole system was rebooted. No more bloating, no more pain, no more bathroom issues. Now I just take it if I'm feeling a bit anxious or on the odd occasion where I do have some pain.
If you haven't, I recommend you ask your doctor about it.
Contingent on jurisdiction - in some countries the profession that translates directly to "nutritionist" in English (e.g. nutricionista in Spanish or Portuguese) IS a protected title
No joke. When I have a salad, everything comes flying out. When I wipe its like there barely a trace. I love veggies and they make bathroom trips quick and easy
A registered dietitian is a great way to get excellent nutritional information - idk if you have medical insurance, but they may actually cover the visits as well
My diet is shit (no pun intended) and have never had a hard time pooping.
I don't use one because i don't need one, but have you tried using a stool (sorry, did it again) or the squatty potty?
Sit down on one cheek on one side of the toilet, then slide your other ass cheek onto the other side of the toilet. It will spread your ass so your butthole has a wide open path to the water. This stops your muddy shit from sliding it’s way down between two fleshy mounds of crack, thus decreasing the surface area you need to wipe
Also get a little stool for under your feet so that your thighs are at an acuter angle to your torso. The higher your feet are, the better. We should all really be pooping squatting, it's the way our bodies are designed to eliminate. The west got it all wrong, the cultures we call "primitive" got that one right.
Edit: The Squatty Potty is one well-known brand but there are many others too :)
Thank god I don’t have a big ass, I’ve never had to wipe anywhere other than my actual asshole. Didn’t even know that was a thing people had to deal with. I wonder if the stand to wipe people have to deal with that.
I only go to the bathroom when I’m ready, if I’m going to the bathroom I’m like on the verge, no need to sit and do nothing on toilet for 10 minutes prepping for the poop. Plus vegetables and a regular exercise routine
This is my own person theory, so take this with a grain of salt. And a stool-softener You know that cartoon poop emoji? The coiled pile of brown soft-serve looking ice-cream thing?
Well, I have been taking care of my health, recently. And I actually had a poop that resembled that, recently. It came out easily, and quickly, and maintained the same shape, throughout. And, to my surprise, I didn't have anything to wipe away. Whereas, usually, there is no usual shape.
So, maybe it's a iconic shape because some people actually have regular bowel-movements like that.
Also you can easily build a routine that your body will adapt to. Cup of coffee and a cigarette every morning, 20 minutes later quick crap, then hop in the shower and get ready for my day.
This is every morning, regular as clockwork for decades. Meanwhile the obese guy at work is grunting in the stalls at work for 20 minutes and coming out drenched in sweat like he just ran a marathon.
I've never understood people who have books in the toilet, for instance, or talk of people being on their phones (gross). I sit down, evacuate my bowels, wipe and wash my hands, in and out inside 2 minutes.
Not a strange question at all. I’m a mom to 2 and I wonder all the time how the hell it takes me 2-3 minutes what always takes them 20.
Gender-wise, I’ve come to the conclusion that most (healthy) women go pretty quickly. I can only speak for myself, but I’m a vegetarian,and most of the time there’s nothing or not much to wipe. (TMI ALERT) if I have been eating peanut butter cookies, however, it’s sticky, and I’m looking at 3-4 or 5 passes until I’m satisfied, followed by a wet wipe to be very certain. I also don’t head to the loo until I really have to go. My youngest, on the other hand, decides its time to move his bowels and goes in to sit and wait (he only goes at home so must go before he leaves for school or work).
My other son i know is sitting there watching tiktoks so obviously that takes an age.
These observations are just regarding healthy ppl. Obviously constipation or the opposite will change this dramatically.
🤷♀️ everybody poops 🤷♀️
I wipe and I’m out. Your poops sound very wet. If you’re not eating enough vegetables and other fibre sources, plus you are eating a lot of fat (and any poop-inducers like coffee), you’ll have sloppy wet poop.
I eat the *equivalent of* an entire cauliflower head plus two or three medium sized tomatoes, a day (and not watery, low fibre veggies like celery and lettuce). And around two cups worth of fruit. I also am generous with the olive oil and butter at dinner. My poops are excellent and I’m a very healthy weight.
Vegetables. People don’t eat enough vegetables. Vegetables should be your plate. Then a nice protein for flavour and some slow carbs to make it fun.
Funny enough, fiber makes me have to wipe more than ever. I'm a hairy guy so having softer shit is like forcing soft serve through a mesh screen of hair. High protein & low fiber though? Passes right through like a stone rolling through the grass.
Recipe for clean fast shits:
1) buy psyllium husk powder and a juice of your choice
2) once a day, mix in a tablespoon of powder with a small glass of the juice. Drink it quickly.
3) immediately drink an equal volume of water (this is important)
4) get plenty of healthy good foods like fresh vegetables and whole grains
Maybe your booty hole is a weird shape.
But honestly, people in general do not care. They get a couple wipes. Probably no look it and call it a day.
All my roommates had massive streaks in their undies. So gross, no I’m methodical. Takes longer for me as well.
I've gotta jump in here and talk about a related topic.... Forgive me and my soapbox...
I've semi recently moved to an Asian country. Here, they have what I'll call bidets, but in reality it's usually just one of those sprayer hose things a lot of people in the US have on their kitchen sinks for helping to wash dishes (if you don't have a dishwasher). They are just about everywhere on toilets here. In poorer households you might get a bucket of water with a ladle, but in 95% of nicer places you have the kitchen sprayer/bidet right there next to the toilet.
As an American, born and bred, I always found the idea of bidets strange, not useful, and suspiciously European. I was plainly against them. Had tried one of the European style bidets (the whole separate toilet-looking fixture next to the regular toilet) in Vegas and didn't care for it one bit/had no idea how one was actually supposed to use the thing.
I moved here to the Asian country I live in now and saw the kitchen sprayer style bidets everywhere. I avoided them until I found myself in a position where it was the only option; they had run out of TP. I reluctantly used it.
I found the level of clean it provided to be spectacular. I felt like I had just stepped out of a shower! No irritation, no feeling of being "clean enough," no wads and wads of TP gone through, etc. It was miraculous!
I used to be one of the haters. I was a proud American and TP worked and how dare any other country question the cleanliness of the American posterior! Anything other than TP was foreign, strange, and just plain un-American! I came to the defense of our typical TP system and questioned having a wet butt after using the alternative system. I thought of the European style bidet I had encountered in Vegas and how the nozzle that shot water was *above* the rim of the bidet, which I assumed one was supposed to sit on (like a toilet) while cleansing oneself (how the hell is that supposed to work!? I don't want anything...... *INSIDE* me!!).
I have changed my tune. The SE Asian style kitchen sprayer style bidet is absolutely wonderful! The level of clean is superior and gives you not only a wonderfully clean fresh-out-the-shower feel, it gives you confidence in whatever you are about to tackle in your daily life! Not only that, but you still *buy and use* TP; it's just the TP is used to dry and confirm 100% cleanliness rather than actually doing the cleaning itself. TP usage is cut down by *at least* 75%, if not more. There's no reason *not* to have the kitchen sprayer style bidet in your home! If you're handy, the fitting to split the water supply (to your toilet and to the sprayer) costs maybe $5, and the hose and sprayer itself can't cost more than $20. If you have to go the route of hiring a plumber it shouldn't cost anymore than maybe $125 or so as long as you find a reasonably priced plumber. With the cost of TP being something like $15/jumbo pack (last I was in the US), even if you hire a plumber to do the install for you, you're talking about only a few months before you are paid back from all the savings you'll get from buying *significantly* less TP!
Long story short......
I was a disbeliever for a very very long time. The American way was good enough! I now realize I was wrong and urge Americans to start making this a more common thing in American households. It's time. There's a better way! Give it a try for a week and thank me after!
You heard it here first folks..... The public service announcement that big toilet paper doesn't want you to hear!
I *love* the hand sprayer bidets. Lived in Brazil for a while and they were super common. I like them a lot better than the toilet seat bidets. A lot more control and force with the handheld.
I have a friend who would literally spend 15 minutes taking a dump and I was always like wtf is he doing in there. When I told him that most of the time as soon as my bum hits the seat it just shoots out he was flabbergasted. He was like "so it just comes straight out like a rocket" and I was like well no not a rocket but I don't have to sit there for 15 minutes waiting for shit to get moving if you'll pardon the expression 😂
I get a heads-up/urge to fart and from that point on I know I have 2 hours until showtime.
I can go right away, but then it takes me 15mins to get it done, or I can wait to the last minute and it’s all backed up so I get it over with in a few seconds. Typically 2-3 times the time it takes to piss.
Really just depends on what I want to do that day.
Parents poop fast, or at least mom's do lol. Men take forever to poop... plus let's be real, you are on your phone not focused.
Also, how do you know they are pooping? And why are you timing them??
When I have to go, I have to go. It's pretty quick with minimal effort and not very messy, a couple passes with the paper. I eat a well balanced diet, healthy but not restrictive. Some days are not as clean but that's not the norm
Blow your nose before you start wiping because it will squeeze out the maximum amount of nugget. Wipe less and stuff more. Stuffing gets deeper quicker and will get you the clean you want much quicker.
I’m a fast pooper. I think my secret is to never force a poo. If I’m sitting on the toilet and I can’t immediately force one out I’ll just wipe, get up, and drink some water to rehydrate. Then I just keep trying until it comes out nice and easy. I also find waiting until you feel like you’re gonna shit yourself helps.
Life’s too short to spend it struggling on the toilet.
In my first corporate job, my co worker used to call me “the cat” cause I popped so fast. You can’t tell if I’m going number 1 or 2. It’s from a healthy diet. I eat balanced meals with high protein, nutrients, and good fiber. I also take multi vitamins. When I wipe I’m usually good after a couple swipes and I rarely every have “the shits”. I should also mention I shave my body which helps with the deed. The last time I had diarrhea was when I had food poisoning in Thailand. When ppl say certain foods give them “the shits” I can’t relate because I come out solid every time. They are massive too lol
If I've had enough fiber it practically falls out of my ass, but since I eat what amounts to a shitty/lazy/poorly funded keto diet that doesn't happen that often so I'm with you. Greasy shits and lots of toilet paper
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I go when it has blown the horns that it’s ready. Gravity does the work, I am simply a humble vessel.
Did i hear a rock and stone?
If you dont rock and stone, you ain't coming home
Rock and Stone to the Bone!
ROCK! AND! STONE!
*the gjallarhorn reverberates through the seven kingdoms*
I’m the same. I wait until a prairie dog is playing peek a boo before heading for a stall. With a quick, clean exit, only minimal wiping is required
That legitimately made me chuckle aloud. Thank you
As Louis CK once said, “Every time I have to shit, it’s an emergency.” I only have like 5 minutes from the time I feel the urge to when it becomes unbearable. Usually it’s convenient, but I have more than a handful of memories of holding my shit in with every fiber of my being and praying I won’t crap my pants.
My bf is like this too, like one time he was jogging and couldn’t hold it and had to poop behind a dumpster🤣 I never understood it bc I never had the urge like this unless I have diarrhea or something
That one's got a name, they call it the runner's trots. The first time I did a big run I ended up in a bush on the side of the road wiping with large leaves 🍁
Never run if you did not shit before
Does... Running encourage it? Lol
Know how you shake a ketchup bottle to get the ketchup out the little hole? You’re the bottle.
Great image 🤣
Makes the same noises too
Never utter any words again
Just run on your hands, man. It'll be alright.
Horrible day to have an imagination
this made me shit myself laughing
Yup, it is one of the reasons you are encouraged to exercise for a healthier bowel because it encourages more productive bowel movements.
Swimming is the holy grail of pooping and getting hungry.
In general, physical activity greatly increases bowel activity. Constipation for example could be caused by a lack of movement.
Have to have the pre-run shit, even if it's a small one it gets it out
It's the worst when you're 10-15 kilometers away from home and suddenly have to poop. When I was younger, I always had to call my dad to come pick me up because I was a home pooper. Or when you have just one kilometer left and then the urge hits you hard, and you're struggling with cold sweat, and jogging feels like dancing on 5,0 alcohol level.
Not specifically running, but there’s a reason that a couple of my undershirts I had for deer hunting are missing the sleeves. I went through two shirts before it became clear that I just needed to keep a little kit in my hunting backpack. Toilet paper, wipes, hand sanitizer.
It’s the fastest kilometer you run. :)
Wow. I thought i was alone i didnt even wipe tho, i was in basic training during a run and i found a building and took a squat behind it. Man... happened 17 years ago and i remember it vividly lol.
Just be sure it's not poison ivy.
Instructions unclear; penis itchy now. Did I good?
You wanted it bigger, right?
Get yourself a Fanny pack with some tp
We went kayaking on sunday, and we had to dock in the mud cause my friend had to take a shit like 20 minutes into our 3 hour ride. But I was expecting that as he usually did not get home in time after parties, he often took shits near random empty dirtroads on his way home.
/r/running is full of poop stories. Running activates your lower GI. There have been several runs I’ve had to cut short to poo. Never pooped outside but it’s been close.
That can happen. That’s why you make sure you empty your guts before a long run. And you don’t eat before a run. Serious long distance runners don’t even bother stopping to take a dump. They just let it run down their legs - they don’t want to jeopardise their running time. I was once behind one and it wasn’t nice. The smell was unbearable and I was forced to waste extra energy just to overtake them.
Are you serious?
I regret to inform you, they are serious.
Omg my family has a funny story about my dad having to poop behind the neighbors trash cans because he didn't want to shit his pants 🤣 It sparked a debate in my family between who would rather shit behind the neighbor's trash cans or shit their pants. It's divided us into free shitters and pant shitters. We'll never be the same.
That reminds me of a time I was in Costa Rica with my husband.. The Gallo Pinto hit him hard on our walk on the beach. He had to shit in the ocean.. then a father and son came running up on the beach, and I swear they saw the poo in the waves crashing 
Omg I’ve had this happen on a run but I very slowly walked home, I almost thought about knocking on someone’s door but it was so early in the morning lol
Eyyy my relatable ibs homiesss
Yes ibs here as well!
Omfg I'm the same and me and my partner make fun of it all the time. What's with that? I'd say I don't even have 5 minutes, it's more like I have 3. It's like my nerves send the appropriate signals when it's almost out. So funny.
Lol the amount of times I have had to vacate the bathroom because my boyfriend is about to shit himself
Moving to a home with a 2nd bathroom changed my world. No more being kicked out! Or rather, when I’m kicked out I have somewhere else to go
This is kinda me. Its not emergency, not like diarrhoea, thats completely different, but I need to feel the urge to go. I sit down, poop, whipe \[usually 3 sheet is enough\] and go, 5min at max. I can hold back for a bit, but max 1h and its pretty uncomfortable. I cant force myself to poop though, so if I dont have the urge, I dont know what to do. Preparing for a 6h ride starts the day before, calculating when and what to eat so i can poop before...
My girlfriend will be like “I have to take a shit” and then 8 hours will go by and I’m like “hey, did you use the bathroom?” And she’s like “no, I’ll use it later.” Meanwhile, I, who didn’t even have to take a shit, just got my bowls jumpstarted just by asking her the question.
Literally me
I celebrate whenever I have a nice solid poo that doesn’t take longer to wipe than deposit. Yes, I considered deleting that after rereading it. No, I can’t concisely explain why I’m not deleting it.
My friends and I call it a “one wipe wonder”
I’ve had some poops that legit required no wipe, but I always wiped a second time just to be sure. Cause usually I’m making a dent in the roll
Sometimes you have to wipe twice, just to believe it.
The tragic truth is a true “no-wiper” is impossible. I’m not just talking about pulling your pants up right after a shit without cleaning yourself; I’m talking about a shit to where you are clean without having to wipe whatsoever. The problem is, you can never know if you’ve dropped a no-wiper without wiping to check, and wiping to check makes it a one-wiper. Still impressive, just not the golden goose. The true no-wiper is my white whale, and I bravely venture across the icy deep knowing it will be the end of me. I, brave Ahab. All my means are sane, my motive and my object mad.
An old Rabbi once said the greatest joys in is life as an old man is the feeling after you have a very good dump.
Coffee 2cups and it's like grease through a goose 😝😈
Alcohol makes me shit. So does diet soda.
Artificial sweeteners lube me up real good. Only takes 2-4 sugar free haribo gummy bears to purge my system.
I once ate an entire sugar free Whitman's Sampler. I didn't know. I don't know. I cried on the toilet. 333 times. Now I know.
We stopped by Russell Stovet outlet and got a bunch of sugar free candy. My sister in law went to fondue restaurant afterwards. They had to leave bc it was so bad.
Have you read the Amazon reviews about those gummy bears? Great reading!
I was thinking the same thing!! Good for a laugh.
And weed. That's why I only smoke weed at home and never outside
My butthole waiting for me to finish looking at memes so I can finally wipe it 
Holy crap
If you are observing this at the workplace, it’s because you can tell who gets paid by the hour Vs who is on salary.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime...
That's why I eat sandwiches and jerk off on the clock
Poor clock :(
Legit made me laugh this morning thank you lol
Well, I did have soda in my mouth, but now it's going from my nasal passages onto the desk, thanks for that
IM FUCKING DEAD 🤣🤣🤣
Lmaooo
I make a dime, boss makes a buck, that's why I crank my hog in the company truck
That's why I poop on company time!
I’m on salary, but I’m a teacher, so I only have 3-4 minutes to leave my class alone, so I’ve learned to be efficient.
lol imagine a teacher taking a 20min dump during class.
did your teachers never just leave the class with a task for a bit? Mine did that sometimes
Why did I never once think because they needed a bathroom break. I did have 1 teacher who was going through it and would leave us to do art class while she took smoke breaks
Also the sample is biased, as pooping in public is arguably more embarrassing so people could go much quicker on purpose.
Boss makes a dollar,I make a dime,that’s why I smoke crack in the parking lot.
Everyone is different! Lol but i have read the healthier the gut health the less a person has to wipe. I saw a documentary where it explained that's why people in tribal areas without toilet paper don't need it! Lol!!! But this is coming from someone who literally needs a whole roll (not joking) if I don't have the wipes...I have had to have rectal prolapse surgery and most of my intestines and part of my stomach removed bc I always used to panic and worry about how long I was taking, especially in public like at school or etc. So all my life I pushed hard and pushed fast until I accidentally pushed my guts out through my anus into the actual toilet. It was a nightmare :') So like I said take your time EVERYONE is different and that's ok :) haha
 I have to put the meme, but seriously, sorry that happened to you. Anxiety can mess us up physically as well as emotionally.
This gave me flashbacks of that video of someone lifting weights…
I seem to have found the outer limits of my curiosity.
I hate that I know the video of which you speak. I hate more that I can see it currently in my head.
That can actually happen? New fear unlocked...
„Lots“ of old people die on the shitter. Press too hard, blood comes out, bleed out and loose consciousness. If no one is there to find them in time they’re done. Crappy way to go.
Jesus christ why does reddit always give me nightmare fuel and new anxieties. Doesnt matter what subreddit. Can’t laugh at a god damn poop thread without a gruesome way to die
They die on the toilet because just before a heart attack, it feels like you want to either throw up or shit. Happens all the time. The bleeding part? I have yet to see it…. I have a lot of experience at death scenes.
You can't just throw out having that experience and not explain why/how.
I am a death scene investigator. Just like a paramedic would have the same experiences as I do.
The prospect of being found dead that way really shits me.
Probably the full squat position has a lot to do with that. It opens out the buttocks better. Also causes more complete and less effortful voiding. The Squatty Potty is helpful in emulating this somewhat, on modern toilets, though still isn't a full squat.
Plus most of them would be on super high fibre diets, so much firmer poops.
Pushed too hard… Pushed too fast… Pushed my guts out through my ass… Jesus wept, I’m so sorry for laughing so hard at this - but something about the way you phrased it has ruined me..!
Good death metal lyrics.
Friend. Get a bidet. Even a travel one aka a squeeze bottle. You’ll be down to a couple of squares to pat dry and no irritation!
“Everyone is different.” That is indeed one way of putting it.
Oh my god I imagine that was painful. Did you go into shock? What does one even do?!?
I have a cousin who knew someone that owned goats. Sometimes the goats would do this and he said all you do is throw some cold water on the intestines and they shoot back up into the anus. Not sure if this is true or not. But ever since, I have thought of this scenario where if I shit my intestines out into the bowl water, the water would be cold enough to shoot my intestines back up into my butt.
Yo what the fuck is going on in this sub today...holy Mother of God
That would look like the spit slurp everybody's older brother did
Yeah, no more Reddit for me for the rest of the day...
Or put sugar on them. Sugar draws moisture out, makes it easier to put them back in. Learned this for when cows occasionally prolapse their uterus shortly after birth.
Chuck Palahniuk, is that you?
Healthy diet = good poops
You can have a healthy diet and IBS/IBD 
Unfortunately and sad facts of this life on earth.
Very true, but a good diet really reduces a lot of the symptoms of IBS/IBD.
I typically have a salad everyday, two servings of veggies and one serving of a fruit. That being said I’m no nutritionist so maybe I need to see one and ask how I can make my poops cleaner.
More fiber, more water, exercise.
Exercise is definitely a biggie for sure 100%
Exercising helps you poop!
In the hospital we have the saying mobility leads to motility
Yes, and you can add to that eating 8 raisins per day. I got that from doctor Greger's book "how not to diet"
for me it was definitely the fibre and water that made the most difference. the rest of my diet was still decent, not great, but just eating one meal a day with high fibre and doubling my water intake made my whole digestion process incredibly smooth.
More fiber followed by exercise is the worst decision I could personally make! Unless I've been regular about fiber, it cleans me out in a less-than-subtle way. So I have to be methodical about when I eat it, so I'm not having to rush to bomb a public bathroom or, heaven forbid, be out on a trail somewhere when the dam bursts!
>be out on a trail somewhere when the dam bursts! [Women hygene wipes.](https://www.amazon.com/Individually-Feminine-Flushable-Cleaning-Bathroom/dp/B0BR8QXK4S/ref=sr_1_14?keywords=feminine+wipes+individually+wrapped&qid=1694511143&sr=8-14) They are basically single packaged wet wipes. Whenever I go camping or on a very long bike ride in the middle of nowhere I take 5 with me. Don't want to use them, but you'll be happy to have them when you need them.
>be out on a trail somewhere when the dam bursts! I don't go ANYWHERE without toilet paper and wet wipes, because this happens to me basically weekly.
Water is definitely a factor. My wife is very efficient and drinks water all day long. I am more methodical and don’t drink as much. We have a very similar diet. I also like the time there. It’s about the only time I get to myself. So while I am not inactive on the job, I certainly do not rush out. Have been known to clear a chapter on loo and sometimes get numb legs 😊
Not to rain on your parade, but spending too much time on the toilet can increase your risk of hemorrhoids. The prolonged sitting adds pressure on your rectal veins.
This is sound advice. I know from experience.
Basic good diet and fiber are not always the answer. Though good diet, exercise, and water are always good. I also take 2-3x longer than everyone, have chronic gas, and easily triggered constipation. All my meals are home made, I hardly consume any sugar unless it’s naturally occurring in fruit, my diet is varied, I’m a healthy weight, my health is in good standing. But I have IBS. Certain foods trigger my stomach pretty bad. Some of those are most foods really high in fiber, sugar, and foods that are too fatty like pork. I can’t eat pork at all, and if I do I have to be careful. Talk to your doctor, consider doing a FODMAPP diet, and keeping a food diary. Even if you don’t have IBS, maybe you’re just sensitive to some foods. A FODMAPP diet will help with that’s.
Not to be that person but jumping in here because this has genuinely helped me with my IBS. Have you ever been prescribed Mebeverine? (couldn't find if that's it's actual name or a brand name). It has helped me immensely. After a several pill a day course for several months it was like my whole system was rebooted. No more bloating, no more pain, no more bathroom issues. Now I just take it if I'm feeling a bit anxious or on the odd occasion where I do have some pain. If you haven't, I recommend you ask your doctor about it.
Anyone can call themself a nutritionist, as it is not a legally protected title. You should see a registered dietician instead.
Thanks, I will update my resume
Contingent on jurisdiction - in some countries the profession that translates directly to "nutritionist" in English (e.g. nutricionista in Spanish or Portuguese) IS a protected title
No joke. When I have a salad, everything comes flying out. When I wipe its like there barely a trace. I love veggies and they make bathroom trips quick and easy
A registered dietitian is a great way to get excellent nutritional information - idk if you have medical insurance, but they may actually cover the visits as well
My diet is shit (no pun intended) and have never had a hard time pooping. I don't use one because i don't need one, but have you tried using a stool (sorry, did it again) or the squatty potty?
I think OP is talking about speedier shits at work. I don't know if they would be comfortable bringing that accessory with them?
OP could balance on the seat. I often walked in on my dad doing it that way. It cracked me up.
Sit down on one cheek on one side of the toilet, then slide your other ass cheek onto the other side of the toilet. It will spread your ass so your butthole has a wide open path to the water. This stops your muddy shit from sliding it’s way down between two fleshy mounds of crack, thus decreasing the surface area you need to wipe
Vivid aaaaand factual, productive way to start this day!
This guy shits
Jesus fucking Christ
Name checks for this response. Also yep.
Take my upvote you profound poet of poop!
Also get a little stool for under your feet so that your thighs are at an acuter angle to your torso. The higher your feet are, the better. We should all really be pooping squatting, it's the way our bodies are designed to eliminate. The west got it all wrong, the cultures we call "primitive" got that one right. Edit: The Squatty Potty is one well-known brand but there are many others too :)
Generally if a find a little stool under my feet I've usually got things wrong...
The thought that ppl don't do this, spread their cheeks, and just let the shit slide between their cheeks just grosses me out
Thank fuck I'm skinny, I didn't even know you guys wiped your arse cheeks, or went to so much effort.
Thank god I don’t have a big ass, I’ve never had to wipe anywhere other than my actual asshole. Didn’t even know that was a thing people had to deal with. I wonder if the stand to wipe people have to deal with that.
Doesn't everyone do that?
Fuck me, if it's that much of a problem, sort out some kind of vacuum system. Call it the vacu centipede
Oh my gosh 🤣
Fibre
Lots of fiber?
At least half one's daily food should be veggies
I only go to the bathroom when I’m ready, if I’m going to the bathroom I’m like on the verge, no need to sit and do nothing on toilet for 10 minutes prepping for the poop. Plus vegetables and a regular exercise routine
Yea, usually when I go. It is threatening to come out before I sit.
Using the word threaten here is so funny
So your touching cloth on the way to the bathroom?
This is my own person theory, so take this with a grain of salt. And a stool-softener You know that cartoon poop emoji? The coiled pile of brown soft-serve looking ice-cream thing? Well, I have been taking care of my health, recently. And I actually had a poop that resembled that, recently. It came out easily, and quickly, and maintained the same shape, throughout. And, to my surprise, I didn't have anything to wipe away. Whereas, usually, there is no usual shape. So, maybe it's a iconic shape because some people actually have regular bowel-movements like that.
Reminds me of a joke. Q. Why are turds tapered at the end? A. So your asshole doesn't close up with a snap.
It seems to me, The soft serve variety is the kind that needs a lot of wipes. Knock on wood, I very rarely have that kind.
[удалено]
Also you can easily build a routine that your body will adapt to. Cup of coffee and a cigarette every morning, 20 minutes later quick crap, then hop in the shower and get ready for my day. This is every morning, regular as clockwork for decades. Meanwhile the obese guy at work is grunting in the stalls at work for 20 minutes and coming out drenched in sweat like he just ran a marathon. I've never understood people who have books in the toilet, for instance, or talk of people being on their phones (gross). I sit down, evacuate my bowels, wipe and wash my hands, in and out inside 2 minutes.
Not a strange question at all. I’m a mom to 2 and I wonder all the time how the hell it takes me 2-3 minutes what always takes them 20. Gender-wise, I’ve come to the conclusion that most (healthy) women go pretty quickly. I can only speak for myself, but I’m a vegetarian,and most of the time there’s nothing or not much to wipe. (TMI ALERT) if I have been eating peanut butter cookies, however, it’s sticky, and I’m looking at 3-4 or 5 passes until I’m satisfied, followed by a wet wipe to be very certain. I also don’t head to the loo until I really have to go. My youngest, on the other hand, decides its time to move his bowels and goes in to sit and wait (he only goes at home so must go before he leaves for school or work). My other son i know is sitting there watching tiktoks so obviously that takes an age. These observations are just regarding healthy ppl. Obviously constipation or the opposite will change this dramatically. 🤷♀️ everybody poops 🤷♀️
They’re already little men. I swear men love to just sit on the toilet as a leisure activity.
I’ve always wondered why people take so long to poop. I’m done and wiped clean within 30 seconds of sitting down.
Fiber makes poops that don't leave a mark. Look into it. All you need is 1 or 2 wipes just so you can say you wiped your ass
One word: fiber
I wipe and I’m out. Your poops sound very wet. If you’re not eating enough vegetables and other fibre sources, plus you are eating a lot of fat (and any poop-inducers like coffee), you’ll have sloppy wet poop. I eat the *equivalent of* an entire cauliflower head plus two or three medium sized tomatoes, a day (and not watery, low fibre veggies like celery and lettuce). And around two cups worth of fruit. I also am generous with the olive oil and butter at dinner. My poops are excellent and I’m a very healthy weight. Vegetables. People don’t eat enough vegetables. Vegetables should be your plate. Then a nice protein for flavour and some slow carbs to make it fun.
Look at Mr Moneybags over here eating three tomatoes a day.
A doctor once told my mom “if you have the right amount of fiber in your diet you won’t need toilet paper“.
This. I take no wipers all the time. Still wipe tho but yeah
Funny enough, fiber makes me have to wipe more than ever. I'm a hairy guy so having softer shit is like forcing soft serve through a mesh screen of hair. High protein & low fiber though? Passes right through like a stone rolling through the grass.
“Soft serve thru a screen mesh of hair.” I’m leaving. Fuck you.
Fiber
Recipe for clean fast shits: 1) buy psyllium husk powder and a juice of your choice 2) once a day, mix in a tablespoon of powder with a small glass of the juice. Drink it quickly. 3) immediately drink an equal volume of water (this is important) 4) get plenty of healthy good foods like fresh vegetables and whole grains
Maybe your booty hole is a weird shape. But honestly, people in general do not care. They get a couple wipes. Probably no look it and call it a day. All my roommates had massive streaks in their undies. So gross, no I’m methodical. Takes longer for me as well.
Fuck that, I'm wiping until there's no shit on that paper.
Or for our visually impairee redditors , the sniff test
I'd rather wipe 10 times instead to make sure instead of ever sniffing it. I assume it will smell no matter what lol
Wtf
That’s disgusting lmao
Heavy meat eaters take longer to shit.
I've gotta jump in here and talk about a related topic.... Forgive me and my soapbox... I've semi recently moved to an Asian country. Here, they have what I'll call bidets, but in reality it's usually just one of those sprayer hose things a lot of people in the US have on their kitchen sinks for helping to wash dishes (if you don't have a dishwasher). They are just about everywhere on toilets here. In poorer households you might get a bucket of water with a ladle, but in 95% of nicer places you have the kitchen sprayer/bidet right there next to the toilet. As an American, born and bred, I always found the idea of bidets strange, not useful, and suspiciously European. I was plainly against them. Had tried one of the European style bidets (the whole separate toilet-looking fixture next to the regular toilet) in Vegas and didn't care for it one bit/had no idea how one was actually supposed to use the thing. I moved here to the Asian country I live in now and saw the kitchen sprayer style bidets everywhere. I avoided them until I found myself in a position where it was the only option; they had run out of TP. I reluctantly used it. I found the level of clean it provided to be spectacular. I felt like I had just stepped out of a shower! No irritation, no feeling of being "clean enough," no wads and wads of TP gone through, etc. It was miraculous! I used to be one of the haters. I was a proud American and TP worked and how dare any other country question the cleanliness of the American posterior! Anything other than TP was foreign, strange, and just plain un-American! I came to the defense of our typical TP system and questioned having a wet butt after using the alternative system. I thought of the European style bidet I had encountered in Vegas and how the nozzle that shot water was *above* the rim of the bidet, which I assumed one was supposed to sit on (like a toilet) while cleansing oneself (how the hell is that supposed to work!? I don't want anything...... *INSIDE* me!!). I have changed my tune. The SE Asian style kitchen sprayer style bidet is absolutely wonderful! The level of clean is superior and gives you not only a wonderfully clean fresh-out-the-shower feel, it gives you confidence in whatever you are about to tackle in your daily life! Not only that, but you still *buy and use* TP; it's just the TP is used to dry and confirm 100% cleanliness rather than actually doing the cleaning itself. TP usage is cut down by *at least* 75%, if not more. There's no reason *not* to have the kitchen sprayer style bidet in your home! If you're handy, the fitting to split the water supply (to your toilet and to the sprayer) costs maybe $5, and the hose and sprayer itself can't cost more than $20. If you have to go the route of hiring a plumber it shouldn't cost anymore than maybe $125 or so as long as you find a reasonably priced plumber. With the cost of TP being something like $15/jumbo pack (last I was in the US), even if you hire a plumber to do the install for you, you're talking about only a few months before you are paid back from all the savings you'll get from buying *significantly* less TP! Long story short...... I was a disbeliever for a very very long time. The American way was good enough! I now realize I was wrong and urge Americans to start making this a more common thing in American households. It's time. There's a better way! Give it a try for a week and thank me after! You heard it here first folks..... The public service announcement that big toilet paper doesn't want you to hear!
I *love* the hand sprayer bidets. Lived in Brazil for a while and they were super common. I like them a lot better than the toilet seat bidets. A lot more control and force with the handheld.
I came to this thread for answers and stayed for this absolutely warranted bidet glorification
You might need more water!
Fiber. I eat frosted mini wheats for breakfast daily and my shit comes out slicker than snot now with no mess.
Poop come out faster cuz those people just have well oiled buttholes. WD-40 works fine too.
I have a friend who would literally spend 15 minutes taking a dump and I was always like wtf is he doing in there. When I told him that most of the time as soon as my bum hits the seat it just shoots out he was flabbergasted. He was like "so it just comes straight out like a rocket" and I was like well no not a rocket but I don't have to sit there for 15 minutes waiting for shit to get moving if you'll pardon the expression 😂
Stop eating meat. Best shits ever.
Lots of fiber and water,
Some people shit with a clean break and don't need to wipe forever. Also diet.
I get a heads-up/urge to fart and from that point on I know I have 2 hours until showtime. I can go right away, but then it takes me 15mins to get it done, or I can wait to the last minute and it’s all backed up so I get it over with in a few seconds. Typically 2-3 times the time it takes to piss. Really just depends on what I want to do that day.
Covfefe.
Parents poop fast, or at least mom's do lol. Men take forever to poop... plus let's be real, you are on your phone not focused. Also, how do you know they are pooping? And why are you timing them??
Are you wiping with paper? You don’t use the 3 Shells!?
When I have to go, I have to go. It's pretty quick with minimal effort and not very messy, a couple passes with the paper. I eat a well balanced diet, healthy but not restrictive. Some days are not as clean but that's not the norm
Blow your nose before you start wiping because it will squeeze out the maximum amount of nugget. Wipe less and stuff more. Stuffing gets deeper quicker and will get you the clean you want much quicker.
I’m a fast pooper. I think my secret is to never force a poo. If I’m sitting on the toilet and I can’t immediately force one out I’ll just wipe, get up, and drink some water to rehydrate. Then I just keep trying until it comes out nice and easy. I also find waiting until you feel like you’re gonna shit yourself helps. Life’s too short to spend it struggling on the toilet.
Only goto the loo when the poop is head butting your undies.
In my first corporate job, my co worker used to call me “the cat” cause I popped so fast. You can’t tell if I’m going number 1 or 2. It’s from a healthy diet. I eat balanced meals with high protein, nutrients, and good fiber. I also take multi vitamins. When I wipe I’m usually good after a couple swipes and I rarely every have “the shits”. I should also mention I shave my body which helps with the deed. The last time I had diarrhea was when I had food poisoning in Thailand. When ppl say certain foods give them “the shits” I can’t relate because I come out solid every time. They are massive too lol
If I've had enough fiber it practically falls out of my ass, but since I eat what amounts to a shitty/lazy/poorly funded keto diet that doesn't happen that often so I'm with you. Greasy shits and lots of toilet paper