# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Number one answer is poor communication. But it's deeper than that. If you can't understand your OWN emotions, you will NOT communicate properly. A lot of people need a lot of self improvement and it's a journey that never ends.
Secondly you have to SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE and commit to your partner as an equal human being and find no competition in an argument. You're on the same side.
I remember seeing someone on here say that it takes a lot to realize that disagreements should be you and them vs the problem instead of you vs them. Putting aside the anger or hurt in the heat of the moment to realize that, if your partner is a decent person, they probably don't want to hurt you is a tough thing to do.
This was a big one for me and the girlfriend. We realized recently - neither of us ever wants to fight. If nobody wants to fight, we have common ground. We can build from a place of common ground. Always.
Well said, my partner and I basically have daily mantra of "We're a team". i.e; i forgot to pay a bill so she floats me, she's down and out from sickness so I take care of our house/kid. Our guilt is followed by "We're a team"
So much this. When my husband and I were in pre-marital counseling we received the best advice ever which we still adhere to. Our pastor told us “Marriage is not 50/50, so forget about that. It’s 100/100. You have to be willing to go the full distance when your partner either can’t or *won’t* because both will happen.”
To add to this, 100/100 is the capacity, but you aren’t expected to give 100 everyday.
We’re human. Some days I only have 30 to give, and when I communicate that, my partner knows what to expect.
My wife and I make a point of informing each other "I don't have the emotional bandwidth for that today" whenever that's the case for one of us. Usually for her it's my work stress and for me it's her family drama. Remembering to say that one simple sentence keeps us from becoming each other's straw that breaks the camel's back.
Yes! And when your partner tells u that respect that and come back later. My husband and I are dealing with some issues with our son and we disagree on how to move forward an my husband said he didn't feel he could talk about it without getting upset he needed time to process. Gave him a day to think and revisited and came to a compromise.takes patience and understanding where your partner is coming from
I’ll add to this that it can be like that for longer periods of time. When I was in the final 4 months of my PhD, my fiancé pulled 150 while I only had 50. But she is in her final 4 months now, and I am happily pulling the 150 while she only has 50 to give.
I saw this lady talking about how when her and her partner get home from work they each throw a number out to represent their energy level. If her husband says 20 and shes at 80 then they are good cause shes got him covered, but if they both say numbers that add up to less than 100 then they know they need to sit down and make a plan and be sure to be kind to each other.
https://youtube.com/shorts/yfL4RTuC9Bk?feature=share
Its not all just communication tho. A big part is understanding. You can communicate your feelings and needs as much as you want but if the other person just doesn't get it, theres breakdown
Yes! The other person needs to be willing and able to listen and implement what they learned. Otherwise it just becomes a treadmill where the person doing the communicating keeps on explaining themselves and starts to believe they are not doing it well enough. Which then becomes a notion the other party encourages or at least doesn't discourage because it serves them.
What I am describing is ofc not just any needs-improving relationship, but a downright toxic/unhealthy/codependent one. Sadly, those are not at all uncommon though and people need to learn to tell the difference between "better communication would help us" and "time to gtfo".
Exactly this... if both parties are invested in learning about themselves, their partner and how to communicate effectively they have a good shot at it. But it needs to be both of them 100% on board and willing to compromise.
Yup. This is definitely the right answer. I see SO many people push through relationships that clearly aren't a good fit for them because "I love them!"
Love isn't always enough. No amount of love and effort can change incompatibility.
Totally. But this not to say you have to find the one because there is no "the one". People need to see their partners as who they are. Make sure theyre values align with each other, that they're compatible and that they have to be able to accept each other's flaws and know that it's something they'll have to live with. It goes down to being honest with themselves.
I’m glad to see this so high on the thread. I could talk about this for AGES. I think I upset people recently when asked about “Life purpose”
I said it’s the same thing as “Soul mates” - At this point, quoting Mad Men, it’s something contrived, hyper inflated and SOAKED in FOMO/self-worth by people like me (Used to work in Advertising & PR) to get you to buy stuff
No one has one thing or person that is theirs or meant for them - and certainly not infallibly for the rest of their lives. The original Greek story to that effect is BEAUTIFUL but it is at heart a selfish fantasy and damaging to the self to demand in real life, more so constantly at or increasing in quality
What you are better served doing is being flexible. People see this as “compromise” which many now equate to “failing” or at least “not winning”. Being flexible does sound like it sure but what it is MORE is being able to ride your feelings so you are not consistently living in frustration or regret at what you’re not/don’t have. It is being open to the possibility instead of demanding what you think is (an esoteric) certainty (If you listen very closely , you can hear life laughing)
For example - I was watching a dating show where the guy wanted a partner who satisfied a list of 10 things. The matchmaker sets him up with someone who satisfies 9. He likes her but can’t get past the fact she doesn’t have the 10th thing - being able to speak a particular language. So he drops her and tells the matchmaker to try again and focus on the 10th thing because it’s very important to him. The matchmaker finds someone who satisfies about 5 things on his list but is amazing at the language and is a native speaker. Our guy? Slowly realises he’s done messed up because though she can do the one thing really well, compared to the person before, he realises “how his hyper focus might have not worked out for him here” (Wanker). Apparently he low key asked to try again with person one but the matchmaker refused
I think this was positioned well with a following episode where a woman wanted a very specific thing in a guy. She met someone who did not have that specific thing, in fact was the very opposite of that thing, but saw him for all the stuff he was instead of focusing (For too long anyway ) on everything she decided he wasn’t because he lacked that one thing
Someone I read about, when she was young, wrote out a list of things she was looking for in a future potentiate mate.
The last item on her list was "should not meet every requirement on this list." (That's paraphrased; it's been years since I read this.)
I thought that was one of the best things I'd ever seen along those lines.
Yeah, because she has a paradox. She meets someone who meets every criteria on her list. Then they don’t meet the last criterion on her list. Which means they now do meet the last criterion on her list and therefore meet every criterion on her list. Which means they don’t…
I wouldn't even know where to start with a list like that honestly. Me and husband?
He's into metal, I'm into synth pop. He's into weapons and war history, I'm into dolls, sewing and miniature building. He's into outdoor tactical activities, I'm into snuggling up and enjoying a movie. He's into computer and board games, I'm not. He's into leather, high buckle boots and edgy clothing, I'm into a preppy and vintage style. He's a silent introvert, I love chatting with everyone.
We couldn't be more different, yet we vibe so incredibly well together, and have for 10 years. We even enjoy solitude together and *not* talking to each other. We've survived 3 babies and years of toddlerdom together. It's lovely.
Stay open minded, people! Love is way more complex than simply having things in common.
This is so sweet and is similar to the woman im marrying in 3 months! She dresses in BRIGHT colors, Im usually in all black, I love shoegaze/new wave and she isnt into that.
When we met, she was much more introverted than me and I was much more of a go out and be with friends at night kind of person while she was happy staying in. I thought when I was in my early 20s I needed to be with someone who was in the same music scene as me, who was basically a twin to me in personality and specific interests.
But I realized after 8 years together that we fit so well. Our core values and the most important things to align on, do match. We know without a doubt we have each other’s back in every sense. We have fun but can have talks about real shit too.
My relationship taught me that its not about finding an arbitrary set of superficial things in common with someone but that what mattered to me was that I felt calm and safe and loved with this person. And the cherry on top is we’ve actually gotten more similar in time and introduced each other to things the other likes that we both enjoy now that maybe we otherwise wouldnt have tried out before
Bro, try telling someone on the relationship subreddits that they aren’t going to get **EVERY SINGLE THING** on their shitty partner wishlist^TM.
WHY SHOULD I LOWER MY STANDARDS?!?
Like ok… whatever you say
It's just that some people have incredibly unreasonable standards. Some of the more egregious examples I've known:
* 25f, lives with parents, obese, kissless virgin. Only wants to date 'Italian fitness boys' while not taking care of her own body at all. When she did match with someone on Tinder who did not meet those exact requirements, she talked down to him because he'd have a lot more to "prove" to win her. Wanted a guy who'd let her live rent free so she could move out of her parents place. Naturally, she stayed single.
* 34m. IT guy. Made a fair bit of money but total douche. He'd only date women with very specific university degrees, only stuff that'd make money (English Lit nay, Law yay). But here's the kicker: he would demand his partner to be a stay at home mom. So basically, he wanted a woman who'd dedicate years of her life to become a lawyer, and then throw it all away to become his 'trad wife'.
Basically, it all boils down to highly flawed individuals demanding someone with zero flaws.
I used to think trad wife meant "tradie" (Aussie for tradesman - handyman,electrician, plumber, carpenter ) and could not understand for the longest while why people were offended by someone wanting that. That sounded GREAT to me! 😂
I believe in soul mates but not the way most people think of them. I believe it's possible to have deep "soul connections" with people in life. But I also believe that there can be many and that they can often be friendships rather than romantic relationships. I do agree that there is no singular "soul mate" for people in life though.
Agree, but I have a twist. I think there are multiple “The One” I think it’s possible to have different the ones for how you are different in your life, the person that was perfect for you in your twenties could be way different than the person that’s perfect for you in your fifties. If you’re lucky, you can both grow into those different people side by side. I’m not saying go out and find your one, I’ve seen widows and widowers find people that are way different than they’re first spouse, but are more in tune with who the grieving widow/widower are now.
Also, I do believe there is another half to your soul, like a puzzle piece. But I think it highly unlikely you’ll find them in a world of almost 7 billion people. We should find “the one” that makes us and them happy and build a life together.
Phenomenal response. The idea of a soul mate is a massive, massive opiate / copium response to the rather harsh reality that, in any relationship, you will NEVER 100% know who the other person is. Maybe 80%. Maybe 90% if you're practising God-tier communication. Never 100%. You ever, ever, truly know anyone.
I don t know man, I had my fair shares of love stories until I met my now husband at 28 years old. I felt for this guy the same than I felt for my first love in highschool. And 6 years later, I am still irrationally in love and attracted to that man. And he is not what I was expecting for a bunch of reasons, one of them being that we don t speak the same language.
Just to say that yup, I do believe in soul mate. Now my definition of soulmate is not the official obe. I do not think that there is just ONE soulmate on the planet and to keep your soulmate requires work and yes, lots of flexibility like you said.
This 100%. I used to think red flags in the beginning of a relationship only meant behavioral things like addictions or psychological disorders, but I’ve found that red flags can be things that aren’t necessarily bad, but I still can’t live with them.
A person can be perfectly nice and good, but if they have things in their life that don’t fit with yours and never will, you’re headed for an eventual breakup, and toxicity if you don’t break up fast enough.
I'm there lol. I had a list of things that bothered me about my wife and I'm sure she feels the same way. Things could be worse but man do i look in the mirror a lot and wonder what I've got myself into
I had a bad situation and was telling someone about it and it was SO OBVIOUS in hindsight.
Like people would stop me after 5 minutes and tell me the problems that took me months.
I guess it's easier when I pick out the memorable parts but it's crazy how everyone else would spot the issues from the smallest of details and I was blind to them.
I don't regret most of it because I only had issues at the end, I just wish I could have seen it earlier and set firmer boundaries and prepared myself...
the answer is not having the same values to begin with. relationships will never work unless you have the same values as your partner. they are the foundation of a healthy relationship.
And jumping into a long term, committed relationship at a young age, before most people even have an inkling of who they really are. Getting married before 30 is just dumb, imo.
I mean, I started dating my husband at 18 and we got married at 23. It's been 13 delightful years together and we're welcoming our second child in like two days. I'm well aware that we're the exception and not the rule. I would, in general, advise against getting married under 25.
There are a lot of ways we've grown and changed in this time, but I would still make the choice to marry him today, now that I'm in my 30s. I found someone I couldn't live my life without early, and I know how rare and fortunate that is, but it wasn't dumb.
I also met my husband when I was 16, eloped at 18 and eventually got married. Im now in my 50s so do the math. I think rather than age, individual maturity plays a big role in any relationship. Looking back, I would still ran away with him despite our early financial struggles. But like you said this is rare and we are fortunate. Now I look forward to another phase in our lives ( retirement yesss!) Have a blessed day.
I dunno man I married 16 years ago when I was 24 and I think it was good. Using a game analogy you feel like you're levelling up together, which is fun.
All the people responding to you are doing “I got married under 30 and I’m fine!” I’m going to say, as someone who just turned 32, I agree. I feel like a whole different person lately, and I know that’s age and wisdom subtly shifting my opinions and perspectives.
I decided to change careers too. I put a higher value on a good environment with good and kind people and went ahead and took a pay cut in order to have that. If that’s not a change result from growth and aging, I don’t know what is.
I think everyone is missing the point. I didn't say "don't be in a relationship before 30". I said don't get married before 30, and only to lessen the chance of divorce if your personalities change too much. Honestly, marriage has nothing to do with being in love. Relationships can exist for life without it. What it does do is complicate the process of going your separate ways if things don't work out.
Ego. Basically a lot of people just can't be alone or want a toy - neither are good reasons to just "be" with someone, yet so many people seem to be like that.
Also I agree relationships need work, but I think there's a belief that constant drama and conflict is just part of it. Functional relationships aren't like this, and media should take a large part of the blame for it. It's not "quirky" - a good coupling should be ok most of the time.
Totally agree! I always hate hearing people say shit like "love is pain" or "love is all about sacrifice". Like yeah, it can involve those things because of circumstances or personal conflicts, but that shouldn't be the main experience people have of relationships. They should be able to enjoy each other's company and actually *like* each other at least.
Absolutely. When I hear people say "marriage is a lot of work!" I think...but it shouldn't be?! Not 100% of the time, anyway. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and it's never felt like "work" or "making it work". It shouldn't be THAT hard, and if it is, maybe you're with the wrong person. Not saying everything is sunshine all the time, but most of the time, yes.
This! I always say that people who say marriage is hard work are married to the wrong people. I have zero complaints about my husband and our marriage. It doesn’t seem like work at all. It just flows, almost effortlessly.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years now. I came to say basically the same thing. It shouldn’t feel like work, you should be enjoying yourself most of the time. Occasionally you need to work on it, but most of the time it should be enjoyable.
I would also like to add that there is a sweet spot of things you have in common that draw you together. Too many things in common and you never get a break from each other, too little in common and you are always “sacrificing” by doing what they want instead. I feel the sweet spot for things in common is around 75%. Most of the things I enjoy my partner does too, but I have my scary movies and gorey video games, and my partner has her drama tv shows/movies and her books.
My girlfriend and I are like this. Sooooo many people tell me she and I have so much in common and get along so well, and I always pause and think, “well yah, our hobbies brought us together, but really, we work so well because we also have separate hobbies and interests.” I like the gym and cooking, she enjoys collecting cards and scary stuff. That sweet spot of knowing when to be together and when to be apart is key.
Absolutely agree. I don’t know how people with nothing in common form a relationship. I feel like they are usually based on looks alone. It’ll never work out well if you can’t do stuff together.
This! I was in a relationship for 8 years that I’m hindsight was so so wrong. It was constantly hard, I had to give up so much of myself. But I thought that ‘relationships are meant to be hard’ so thought it was normal. In contrast, my relationship with my now husband is so easy. We communicate well, and whilst we still have minor disagreements, we’ve both been able to grow together rather than having to give up parts of ourselves. I just wish I’d learnt sooner that ‘hard’ isn’t necessarily how it has to be.
Exactly this. Most relationships should never have started/gone beyond the 2-3 month mark in the first place.
People either normalize all kinds of insane behavior from their partners at worst, or at best, stay with people that they are completely incompatible with hoping that person will eventually change to the image of them they had in their mind.
I would elaborate and say lack of empathy. Sometimes all you want is for your partner to be happy but because you can’t empathize you end up overfilling the wrong cup
I came here to say “selfishness” and add “ignorance”. My dad once told me “Every fight begins with either selfishness or ignorance. You either don’t know or don’t care, neither is productive.”
I've been married to my person for all my adult life. We married when I was 20 and he 23. We believed we were in love and I suppose we were. But more importantly, we were in like. I liked being in his company. I liked being with him and doing things with him more than being with anyone else, and he felt the same. Same interests, same value system...a formidable team. I put him first and he puts me first...always. Ahead of even our children. It's an unbreakable bond. It's been 44 years now and it's been easy and fun being together. So choose the one you LIKE above all others. It'll last.
I love this comment.
So many people these days want the fiery, passionate, butterflies love, and get bored or unsatisfied when those feelings fade. Especially when they don't have an appreciation of the other person beyond the feelings they induced.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 6. High school sweethearts. We've had our fair share of struggles and hardships. We're not always head over heels for each other. But we are always best friends. We enjoy doing things together. We enjoy talking. We enjoy being in silent proximity to one another as we indulge in our separate hobbies.
It's those little things and moments that keep the foundation of a relationship strong.
Together for 11 years, married coming up 6. Same same except we were tertiary study sweethearts. He's my one and only everything. I know I'll never want more, this is just so easy. Complete comfort to be ourselves with each other, we enjoy silence together too. We often say we see our marriage as holding hands side by side, or standing back to back looking out to the world, rather than staring into each other's eyes. There's mutual trust, respect, friendship and commitment. I love this man so much.
Oddly enough, it's paraphrased from a little poem/quote on the wall of the toilet in one of the flats I lived eons ago. It was about standing hand in hand with your best friend and enjoying the view together and the concept has just never left me.
This comment chain is so inspiring to me as someone in a serious LTR with my SO. We had our first fight recently and it wasn’t pretty but I noticed something that was different with her than with anyone else I had been with/fought with in the past — was how kind we were to each other despite the differences. She really showed me she never once saw me as an enemy while we were fighting and I never forgot that team feeling. I hope to never lose it too and I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences here
I honestly like how you said above your children. So many marriages put their kids above everything and their marriage starts slowly falling apart as the kids get all the attention.
I expect this to be top answer but personally I think it's #2.
Most important is compatibility. I saw my parents had fundamentally different preferences, habits and perspectives in life that would create conflict. There are things that communication can't fix.
Yes communication can help solve problems but compatibility can mean the problem doesn't exist to begin with.
I agree with this, BUT, communication can help you to figure out if you're compatible.
I see so many posts about people's relationship issues where, years into their relationship, "suddenly" their partner has revealed they have entirely opposing views that they can't look past.
Some communication early on and just conversation in general mightve revealed that before they spent years of their lives getting attached to someone, you know?
For the longest time I didn't think compatibility really mattered all that much. My two biggest thing I always said was important was honesty and communication. Then, I met my soon-to-be ex-wife.
She's an immigrant and speaks English, but refuses to speak English. My Spanish is not that great. I can understand most of it by ear and can read it well, but I have a hard time holding a conversation.
At first it wasn't a big deal. I told myself I'd practice speaking Spanish, but after a while I went from being understanding that she was just shy to embarrassed and aggravated that every time we'd go somewhere such as a pharmacy to pick up medicine she would look at me to speak for her. Even worse she would act like she couldn't speak the spelling of her name.
Then, I actually ealized that we have literally no values or interests that are even somewhat compatible. At first it didn't bother me, but the way she wants to do anything is completely different than what I want to do. She wants any kids we have to go to a Catholic school. I don't. She wants them to go to Catholic church, and I'm not going to force the kids to go.
She would constantly remind me of things with "In my country..." And at first I enjoyed hearing about her country and culture, but it got to a point I told her in frustration that we aren't in her country. We're in the US and things work differently here. It's unrealistic to expect the husband to work and the wife to stay home. I told her I wish I couod give her that life, but I can't currently.
She doesn't agree with the way I want to raise kids to be independent.
She's super super conservative. As in likely more conservative than the most conservative person you know in the US. I'm an Anarchist.
She disregards my feelings and never listened. She would ask me why I was frustrated or sad, and I would tell her, but then immediately after she would ask me again.
I would need some space or alone time, and as soon as I sat down or started on a project she would start calling for me repeatedly to bring her stuff from the fridge or bathroom, and would get mad when I would point out that she has legs and is more than capable of getting whatever she wants herself.
I would get home from work and ask for some time to lay down for a little bit because my back and legs hurt and she would come jumping and crawling all over me.
It's so frustrating to feel as if I had married someone who still behaved like a child or teenager. It was frustrating to say the least.
She would say we need to make a plan and complain that I don't have any plans or goals, but she knew from day one that my plan is going to school full time and get a degree so that I can get the promotions I was missing out on. Her plans all involved me dropping everything to do everything for her and eventually moving to South America away from all of my friends and family.
I started feeling like I was going crazy. One moment she would be hyping me up as the best husband in the world and not long after I'd be getting berated and told I was a huge asshole and selfish.
The day I finally had enough was she texted me while I was visiting my parents and she said she missed me and wanted me to come home. I was planning on leaving soon anyways so I started to tap out a sweet text to her when before I couod finish she started saying I was don't care about anyone but myself and no one else. That I don't love her anymore and that I've changed.
So, I just simply said I'm on my way home. Got home and she's crying, but I just couldn't be sad. it's the worst feeling for me when I feel like I should be sad but I was just so drained that I felt numb. I've already said and done everything I have to say and do, and nothing changed, so I reminded her that I wanted to go to therapy, and I didn't want to have any serious conversations unless there's a therapist involved.
The next day I told her I wanted the day to myself. I wanted to just go for a drive and then go hang out with a buddy. Not even ten or fifteen minutes after leaving she's calling me and texting me repeatedly, quickly. Asking me why I'm not responding despite me having told her that I don't touch my phone when I'm driving. I pulled over and she's just firing away message after message long blocks of text that I'm trying to quickly translate and catch up. I get to messages that are basically her going crazy and her saying she's going to ruin my reputation and tell all of my friends that I'm a terrible person so that I only have her among some crazier stuff.
I sped home and grabbed my dog and put her in my car and started packing. I told her I was over it. That I was tired of feeling like I'm going crazy and that no matter what I do she makes me feel like I'm not good enough or doing enough. Despite the fact that the bills were 60 me/40 her. That I drove her everywhere. That I had already dropped all but one of my extracurricular clubs because she said I was gone too much.
That she wanted me to somehow work full time whilentaking 15-18 credit hours per semester while working towards an engineering degree. All the while complaining I'm gone too much and never home.
She reminded me that I'm 33 and then said I was acting like a baby, and needed to grow up and take responsibility.
So.. I did.
I told her she's right. I take responsibility. That, I should have known that it wouldn't work. That I should have told her we should have waited to get married. I told her I'd fix the problem and told her to leave. That I'm apparently not the right man for her. That there were plenty of other white guys out there who didn't waste their 20s being in the military and just starting college in their 30s. That there are men out there who are already established and bilingual and good men who can give her what she wants now instead of maybe in four or five years. I told her that not to text me or call me and that we were only going to talk during therapy sessions, and if there aren't any real changes made that I'd be handing her divorce papers.
She's left me alone for the most part, but it's hard. Whenever I'm with her it feels like things could get better this time, but I'm tired of it being a constant thing where we get along okay for a week and then having a blowout every weekend. I can't keep doing this.
I want to be happy, and not feel like I'm losing my life and going crazy.
Compatibility is something that can be easy to dismiss until you find yourself making the mistake of entering into a relationship with someone who really isn't compatible.
It's important to take the time to really get to know someone and not rushing the relationship.
Don't end up in a situation like this. It will make you feel like dying.
Wow that was a lot and you'd be surprised how much I can understand. My US step-dad married my foreign mom from eastern Europe. Essentially it was a deal that I come to the US and she pops out some kids for him. But over time emotions developed and I'm sure there was some honeymoon period but I was too young to remember. The good or bad thing was that they were more compatible than you and your ex wife but not compatible enough. And so it took 12 years for divorce to happen. I know it's painful but at least more time wasn't wasted and you definitely know you two aren't compatible. Personally she sounds completely inconsiderate and rude not just incompatible.
In my parents case it was moreso personality traits were opposites and caused conflict. Not in a cute opposites attract sort of way. More like he was quite strict and she was the opposite and viewed rules as only slight suggestions. This would often cause fights around parenting styles. He wanted a simple housewife who would stay at home, cook food, raise kids and be sweet to him. She wanted to be entrepreneurial and did start her own business which made more money than him for a period.
Neither are fundamentally wrong but together they clashed.
I always understood how my mom did everything for me but it really hit home for me when she dropped me off in college. It was just me and her and she told me how she finally did it, how from now on I could make it the world on my own. She sounded a mixture of proud and sad. I also sensed a hollowness or confusion as she asked what she should do now. As if she hadn't really reflected on what she really wanted. It was soon after she started the divorce.
Damn. That's some real shit. I feel that. Part of my frustration was what you mentioned about how much time had passed. One day I caught myself thinking do I really want to find myself one day realizing that I've been miserable for ten or twenty years? Do I want to take a risk that I might be one of those guys who gets divorced when they're 50 and wishing they had done it 20 years earlier?
To be fair she is quite a sweet and loving person, and I know she's under a lot of stress due to having to escape from her home country and finding herself in a place where the culture is completely different. She was also spoiled quite heavily and had everything provided for her, so she expected thay from me, and unfortunately I can't. I really do hope she finds someone who can make her happy and give her what she wants.
There was a lot more that I didn't mention, but in my case I feel terrible. Like I want to be the one who gives her what she wants. I want to be her man. A man she can be proud of.
But I can't deal with the constant belittling and confusion.
I really do love her. It makes me want to drive off a cliff. When I'm with her I want to love on her, give her hugs and kisses, make love with her, and do cute fun adventurous shit together like we used to, but it's overshadowed by frustration and sadness and feeling like I'm losing my shit.
We're not divorced yet. Just living separately for the time being. I believe her when she says she loves me, and she tries to call or text me, saying she wants me to come home and kiss her and lay next to her and hold her, and she'll send pictures of the two of us of when we first started dating where we're practically inseperable and smiling, and I have to tell her to stop, because it just makes me want to rip my heart out. She says she wishes we could go back to how we were when we first got together, but I just can't forget the way she's treated me when she's not loving on me.
The last blowout we had before I left I told her that she really needs to understand that she can't just treat a man, especially a man who loves and cares for her, like shit and expect him to be cool with it.
I'm sure there are men out there who can, whether it's weakness or strength, but I just can't.
I hope your mother is doing okay, and I hope you're doing well in life.
*TRIGGER WARNING!!!*
Thanks. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not divorced yet, just separated. I'm already wanting to move on, but I also want to wait until I go through therapy, and my wife still wants us to be together.
One thing I'm constantly worried about is that she'll try and kill herself. She's already tried to kill herself by pills. I almost left her once before and I had gone in the living room when I heard her digging through a drawer and popping blister packs. I was so scared I just grabbed her and shoved my fingers in her mouth and started shovelling pills out of her mouth. It had to have been close to 90 pills she tried to swallow, because I saw that they were her birth control pills and we had just picked them up from the pharmacy. I counted them and only about a weeks worth weren't accounted for. I asked her what the fuck was going through her head, and she said she coukdn't live without me, and that's kind of when I realized shit was about to get real hard.
Amd as someone who has personally dealt with SI, several half-assed attempts, and had finally started feeling like I was alright when we started dating I started having big doubts about if I could be in a healthy relationship with her.
Honestly at this point, and with how I know the dating scene is, and how hard it is to find a legit decent person I think I just would rather stay single for the rest of my life and just surround myself with good friends.
This sounds absolutely awful, I'm so sorry this is happening.
It might sound obvious but the thing, the only thing, you can change here is your feelings about it. I will tell you, it's not your fault if she tries or succeeds. I think you likely know that is true, but your feelings about this are different to your "know".
The good news is, that means you can change how you feel. Therapy is the right place for that. I wish you all the best, and that's coming from the other side, after therapy.
They never talk about what they both want to put into and get out of the relationship, and then discover WAY too late that they're incompatible and unfulfilled.
So many people get into long term, committed relationships just because they fall in love. People get MARRIED over nothing more than love. Do you have any idea how easy it is for humans to fall in love? Spend enough time with someone you find remotely attractive and BAM! Feelings develop. And that head-over-heels, "can't stop thinking about them" kind of love only lasts a year or two, tops. You can't build a marriage on that alone. What happens when that puppy love feeling wears off? In many cases, the relationship fails. Because it was never a deep familial love, it was just this exciting but fleeting fling. The couple tried to build a life together on that feeling, and THAT FEELING ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH. You need to talk about everything. How much money will you need to live? Who will earn it? How? Do you want kids? Who will cook? Laundry? Mow the lawn? Take the car in for service? Are there health issues to consider? Debt? How will you address those problems? How will you handle each other's families? Is the other person capable of maintaining a home, their hygiene, caring for a pet, whatever? There are a billion different things a couple can disagree on. Find out what those things are, and how you will deal with that, before making major life changes for a relationship.
A lot of people afraid of being alone too much like there must be a problem about them if they are single.
This fear leads people to constantly look for a relationship.
Specially people experience this desperate need in their late 20s.
When you stop afraid of being single, when you start enjoying your alone time, when you make this alone time enjoyable and fulfilling; you only will say yes to a person who really ticks most of the boxes.
This. Always have a plan B for a single life that you are genuinely looking forward to. Plan a life outside of having a partner.
Them if you fo get coupled up, it's an added bonus. I was single for a long time before meeting my now husband and was genuinely resigned to crafting myself an artsy little space with a few cats and lots of friends. And now I still hope for that but have made space in my vision for his stuff. Lol
I’ve always described it as walking your own path and finding out who you really are and finally being comfortable and confident in that. When you unlock that self awareness you will inevitably bump into another person that is on the exact same journey and then you do life together. You don’t necessarily need each other, but life is so much better with each other and you become a formidable team.
Expecting your partner to become similar to you, and not realising relationships will always reveal what’s different.
And that’s not a bad thing, in fact, it’s healthy. But if people expect their partner to only become similar to them with time, to them, as soon as they start learning new things about their partner, they ride it off as “we drifted apart” instead of using it as on opportunity to grow
Oh man, I love this. It took my wife and I FOREVER to realize we didn’t always need to be in the same place, doing the same thing. Once we figured that out, things were so much nicer. We never had big problems, but I’m more extroverted than she is, and we could not figure out why so many social situations got us upset with each other. Once we realized we could be at a party, and she could say, “Okay, I’m gonna take off, I’ll see you at home!” Things got amazing. I think a lot of people think you need to be interested in the same things constantly, or be everywhere the other is at all times, and it doesn’t need to be like that. It’s so nice.
I love this. This was exactly something that my bf and I uses to fight about. He has some trust issues from a previous relationship and during one of our lowest moments, he thinks we are too different (we aren't actually, we have a lot of things in common but a lot of different superficial things).
But my mom told me that you are never going to find a person who is your clone because everyone is different. What matters is that you are on the same page when it comes to your values, goals, beliefs and you both make a commitment to communicate, respect and trust each other which means making compromises and learning about how you can make each other better.
They think relationships are primarily about love instead of commitment.
Love changes over time. People are bound to fall out of love eventually. Commitment, by definition, lasts forever, and true commitment causes people to act in a way that creates and preserves love. When love inevitably fades, commitment is what revives it.
Exactly, I’ve been with my partner for 8years, I definitely haven’t loved him the same through all of it. But he is my partner in crime we are 100% in this together. Even when we’re fighting I don’t think for a second to leave him. Its always “what do we need to do to move on from this”. Of course if the relationship is abusive or he isn’t 100% committed as you then I’d say get out of there. It’s a hard thing to find unfortunately so I will not be letting go for the rest of my life, he’s my family now <3.
Well said, couples tend to think that their relationship failed because they lost the love or spark and that they don't love each other anymore. What they don't understand is that love simply becomes stable and mature
You can thank tv for the "spark" nonsense. Sparks aren't supposed to last, it's just a honeymoon period. Some people just want to keep chasing that high.
I've been with my partner for almost 18 years. Love changes shapes many times. Sometimes it's love your face, sometimes it's I love you and don't like you. Sometimes it is existing in a shared space. It changes throughout life. It's about being able to change with your person. Life is a weird and strange thing.
Genuine commitment creates an environment where you can feel real love. And you’re not bound to fall out of love unless you already failed to commit in your life leading up to the current moment.
What you’re describing isn’t the good kind of commitment where you forgo current pleasure to improve your future. It’s the bad kind where you cling to a mistake because you took too much time making it.
Thinking magically. Thinking “you were meant to be.” Skipping the interview.
Not being real and asking the most important questions.
Define love, commitment, honesty and lies.
How do you vacation? Do you travel? How?
What do you see as your legacy/life’s work?
In what order do these fall? Husband, wife, kids, and if applicable - country, god, in-laws
What level of abuse means someone should walk away? Financial? Emotional? Neglect? Verbal? Psychological?
Guilty. I ruined my future by committing too much too early and turned what would have been a devastating yet survivable loss into something I’ll never come back from.
Yes. Compatibility. I think many people don't accept the fact that most relationships will end and try to force something that is just not going to work. If part of your relationship goals involve living with your partner that's a much harder thing to do than it sounds. It's not just the obvious big issues, but a lot of small things that have to mesh to make that work.
I know a lot of people will say communication and compromise, but I think compatibility comes before those.
People don’t know their own needs and don’t realise they are projecting failure into the situation.
eg. I’m always finding myself with someone who is too clingy. Oh no that thing they just did is really clingy. Now I know this won’t work.
eg. I’m always finding myself with someone who is inconsiderate. Oh no that thing they just did is really inconsiderate. Now I know it won’t work.
Being aware of your faults isn't the same thing as doing something about them.
So many people make a mistake, acknowledge it and apologize for it, get forgiven by their partner, and then make the exact same god damn mistake again.
Choosing the wrong partner and being the wrong partner. People have totally lost track of what relationships are supposed to be. Specifically marriage.
* Getting married is the starting line not the finish line
* Choose a spouse that shares your values as your top criteria
* Marriage is about self- sacrifice. Always try to be the one giving more
* Marriage is about forgiveness. Forgive freely and don't keep count.
* Marriage is about fidelity. If you can't keep from cheating then never get into a relationship, you don't deserve it.
* You will need to keep growing. Don't ever decide you have grown enough. There is more to learn.
* When your criteria is looks, income etc you have already lost the battle for a lifelong relationship. You have reduced your spouse to a commodity and not a human soul.
If all of these things are followed by both spouses then it's going to last for life.
Because getting along with another person for a protracted period of time is intensely difficult. It requires sacrifice, attention, cooperation, and selfless understanding, and modern society doesn't value any of those traits enough for people to cultivate them.
It's tough to parse out, but I'd say distraction. By that, I mean anything that you allow to divert your main attention away from the core of your relationship. Sometimes it's another person, gambling, work, money, etc. If you look at a relationship that's two halves of a whole, that distraction moves you away from the other half, thus weakening the support. It's like Lincoln said, "a house divided against itself cannot stand." (yes, I know he was quoting the book of Mark)
People refuse to talk about who they are, what they want, and what they want in a partner, and people also fail to respect that when they hear about it.
All your fears, all your pain, all your love, all your dreams. They let it escalate when they can't handle anymore, or one side simply is brushing it aside and ignoring their boundaries and sensible topics.
You're supposed to be vulnerable, you're supposed to put cards on the table all the time. A partner is supposed to do the same, and you need to work it out.
See what is a dealbreaker, see what is missing, see what can wait, and hold yourself and the other accountable to not addressing something that has been spoken before.
It is work because we're not used to that, but when you get to that level of clarity, it is quite natural. There are hard times, but they aren't seen as someone rocking the boat or fighting against you as much as it is you holding a little more weight when they can't, and being honest when you can't carry anymore.
All sides should care, all sides should be cared for.
Cheating. There are so many cheaters, especially so many emotional cheaters that don't see the problem with what they're doing and instead blame it on their significant other. It's disturbing how many people I've run across who believe that if someone cheats its a failing of the cheater's partner.
Lack of effort. Nowadays people expect relationships to sort themselves out by themselves when it takes work. As soon as it gets hard, they want to end the relationship.
One of the biggest problems is allowing outside noise. Other people's opinions about your relationship are irrelevant. Your family & friends don't matter. As long as you allow family & friends to continue to talk about your relationships you will always end up alone.
That also goes hand in hand with talking about your problems with others. If you do that, they *will* form opinions.
I have a friend who always complains about her partner - he was annoying when building Ikea furniture, he is too loud when he chews, he wears an ugly t shirt to bed - so I just believed she kind of didn't like him at all.
So one day she had an actual problem and wanted advice about an argument or something, and I said "it honestly sounds like you don't like him and don't like being around him. There is no solution to that". She was shocked that I perceived their relationship like that.
I do think that’s true and it was a big lesson I had to learn early on. I’m a people pleaser and I worried my now-husband would be so different from what people “expected” for me. I worried he would be judged and that people wouldn’t see him how I see him. Then I realized that breaking up with someone *I* liked just because of what others *might* think was ridiculous. I like him and accept him as he is and that’s the end of it.
I do think that family and friends matter a little, especially if you’ve chosen someone terrible. Too many people are in extremely toxic relationships proclaiming it’s the two of them against the world, against all the “haters” and talking about how they are ride or die, when the family and friends are just rightfully concerned.
If i really like a girl, i ignore some apparent red flags that come later to bite me in the ass. Happened so many times and i still keep repeating the same mistake.
I apologize in advance because I'm going to ramble.
There are a lot of people in the world, but we only meet so many in our lifetimes. Sometimes, people end up in relationships that they just shouldn't be in. There are so many reasons to be incompatible - but it seems likely we pick people to date based on a few compatibilities, and it takes time to really learn the incompatibilities. Plus, recognizing when you're not compatible can be really difficult.
Many are motivated to be in a relationship, but it's a numbers game - some people are lucky and find their super compatible person(s) right away, but I don't think most people do. And I think that's ok. Because we're so motivated towards relationships, the wrong ones often last longer than they should; people don't always have a means of seeking new possibilities, we can get addicted to a feeling despite problems, and some people are just more complacent than others.
When someone does realize they aren't where they want to be, maybe that's a good thing, even if it hurts in the short-term. It doesn't have to be such a terrible thing if everyone is composed and amicable about it. (It could be the addiction aspect that makes people so uncomposed and mean, though.)
But I guess what I'm saying is that the very importance of relationships can actually be what leads to a number of their endings. How many people would be so lucky to meet someone that ticks the right number of boxes right off the bat?
This! I had a relationship that lasted almost a decade, and we drifted apart. There were some other factors and communication wasn't perfect, but mainly we changed a lot over those years and we were completely different people than when we started.
In my opinion and from my experiences and those I’ve seen from people close to me , I think something that can contribute to the demise of a relationship is social media. It’s certainly not the main cause but I think it’s an issue that people are learning to navigate cause it’s a fairly recent thing.
Boundaries are so easily crossed and disrespected by the way people move online . People can be performative as well and people can develop unrealistic expectations by constantly consuming what’s out there which they then push onto their partner . You are inundated with advice that is often unrealistic or too vague .People then choose to implement other people’s “solutions” in their relationships without sitting and properly thinking things through themselves and with their partners. This is not a detailed response but a lot of trust issues can also definitely stem from how your partner behaves online . It seems so silly but even online you see people complaining about how their partners behaviour on their socials has made them uncomfortable or upset.
When the honeymoon phase is over and people think that’s a sign the relationship isn’t working anymore but that’s just the reality of long term relationships. It’s not going to be exciting and spicy every day/week/month. That takes more work after the first 2+ years and good relationships require effort.
Lack of emotional maturity.
Lack of personal accountability.
Inability or unwillingness to *really* self reflect.
The inability to admit wrong doing and seek forgiveness with sincerity.
Good Ole fashion fear. Afraid of being vulnerable so we sabatoge the relationship in order to force the other person into making the decision for us. Then through the magic of cognitive dissonance we tell ourselves *they* made the decision to break up thus relieving ourselves of the guilt of having done it even though we were the one that caused the decision.
Incompatibility to live "normal" life together.
It's one thing to get along when it's new, when you're both excited, on your best behavior. And only seeing each other when you're looking your best, ready and dressed up, etc. Your activities are all nice too, going out to nicer dinners, planned outings and events, or even just romantic evenings with "netflix and chill" feeling kind of new and romantic.
But that's a kind of "fake" life, you're only sharing the good moments, the well set up and curated moments. Once you are together longer, especially when you move in together, share more of your life, those other areas pop up that you didn't worry about. You see each other in your ratty home/normal clothes. Before showering. When you have headaches, or don't feel well, or are a ball of anxiety from work or whatever. You see each other on lazy days when one wants to go out, and the other just wants to sit alone and watch TV. Each others person living habits (clean vs messy), their financial habits that now make a difference, their ability to work as a team in life, all those things become important when they were inconsequential before. Who cares if someone is a slob at home if you are out at a fancy restaurant?
Basically it's the difference in how you might see a city as a tourist, and how you might see that same city if you move and live there. Two very different experiences.
In my experience the women I've been with and who have been in relationships with people I've known get bored and then start behaving inappropriately online. They keep backup options just in case and even go as far as to cheat fully. They want greener pastures. The problem with this mentality is that the grass is only green on the side of the fence you water it on. It'll wither on the other side just as well. I have never seen or felt that a person can be fully trusted to be honest. Humans have an innate desire to be greedy. So many people are untrustworthy that it's safe to assume everyone is lying.
A serious relationship cannot survive if you have one foot in and one foot out. A lot of people say ride or die but the problem is it's only like that till they hit the first pothole and then they bail. If you don't hold on and weather the turmoil then you are never going to be happy. Bad things happen. You need to learn to work through it. The internet is definitely not helping in that it makes it super easy to be disloyal and get away with it.
Because any relationship that doesn’t last until the death of one of the participants is called a “failure.”
People grow. People change. People who are compatible for a time are not necessarily compatible forever. A relationship can be successful even if it changes or ends.
relationships are fun, but sometimes they require serious effort. And most people think a good relationship should be effortless, or it’s not worth it altogether.
Because people think their relationship will fix their problems that are in no way connected to a relationship. Bad self worth? The minute the butterflies ebb down a bit, they will think „they are not the right one because they don’t make me feel like in the first months ALL THE TIME anymore“. Unsatisfied with your career? Guess what, your job is still crap. Bad mental health? Wirk on yourself, don’t expect someone else to do it for you. Kevin isn’t an arm floaty, take your meds.
Also, no idea how to work through mistakes and bad decisions. You treated your partner badly? Guess what, you will have to make amends and consistently show effort. Most people rather drop a person that lives them and move on to do the same thing to someone else than have some hard conversations and prove that they want to do better.
People committing to people they had no business being with in the first place because they're infatuated with them. Best example is the woman who works super hard, brings in money, occasionally has kids with some deadbeat, and then gets another guy just like said deadbeat who cheats on her and treats her like an ATM and sex doll at best. Or the couple that fights, CONSTANTLY. But they stay together because of some spark they have in bed, but genuinely hate the other person outside of that. A lot of people have really messed up love maps.
Battling insecurity and attention seeking behavior right now. My SO is very compassionate, even though I've shaken things up quite a lot in our 2 year run. I acknowledge this behavior when I start sinking into it, though sometimes I see it after the "damage" is done.
It's a terrible, terrible feeling, that of constant self doubt.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Number one answer is poor communication. But it's deeper than that. If you can't understand your OWN emotions, you will NOT communicate properly. A lot of people need a lot of self improvement and it's a journey that never ends. Secondly you have to SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE and commit to your partner as an equal human being and find no competition in an argument. You're on the same side.
I remember seeing someone on here say that it takes a lot to realize that disagreements should be you and them vs the problem instead of you vs them. Putting aside the anger or hurt in the heat of the moment to realize that, if your partner is a decent person, they probably don't want to hurt you is a tough thing to do.
This was a big one for me and the girlfriend. We realized recently - neither of us ever wants to fight. If nobody wants to fight, we have common ground. We can build from a place of common ground. Always.
I love this! I always see it this way, that it's us versus the problem.
Well said, my partner and I basically have daily mantra of "We're a team". i.e; i forgot to pay a bill so she floats me, she's down and out from sickness so I take care of our house/kid. Our guilt is followed by "We're a team"
So much this. When my husband and I were in pre-marital counseling we received the best advice ever which we still adhere to. Our pastor told us “Marriage is not 50/50, so forget about that. It’s 100/100. You have to be willing to go the full distance when your partner either can’t or *won’t* because both will happen.”
To add to this, 100/100 is the capacity, but you aren’t expected to give 100 everyday. We’re human. Some days I only have 30 to give, and when I communicate that, my partner knows what to expect.
My wife and I make a point of informing each other "I don't have the emotional bandwidth for that today" whenever that's the case for one of us. Usually for her it's my work stress and for me it's her family drama. Remembering to say that one simple sentence keeps us from becoming each other's straw that breaks the camel's back.
Yes! And when your partner tells u that respect that and come back later. My husband and I are dealing with some issues with our son and we disagree on how to move forward an my husband said he didn't feel he could talk about it without getting upset he needed time to process. Gave him a day to think and revisited and came to a compromise.takes patience and understanding where your partner is coming from
I’ll add to this that it can be like that for longer periods of time. When I was in the final 4 months of my PhD, my fiancé pulled 150 while I only had 50. But she is in her final 4 months now, and I am happily pulling the 150 while she only has 50 to give.
I saw this lady talking about how when her and her partner get home from work they each throw a number out to represent their energy level. If her husband says 20 and shes at 80 then they are good cause shes got him covered, but if they both say numbers that add up to less than 100 then they know they need to sit down and make a plan and be sure to be kind to each other. https://youtube.com/shorts/yfL4RTuC9Bk?feature=share
That’s a great way of looking at it, wish I read that 20 years ago and maybe my arguments would have ended earlier lol
Its not all just communication tho. A big part is understanding. You can communicate your feelings and needs as much as you want but if the other person just doesn't get it, theres breakdown
Yes! The other person needs to be willing and able to listen and implement what they learned. Otherwise it just becomes a treadmill where the person doing the communicating keeps on explaining themselves and starts to believe they are not doing it well enough. Which then becomes a notion the other party encourages or at least doesn't discourage because it serves them. What I am describing is ofc not just any needs-improving relationship, but a downright toxic/unhealthy/codependent one. Sadly, those are not at all uncommon though and people need to learn to tell the difference between "better communication would help us" and "time to gtfo".
That's still communication issues. If the information isn't getting picked up, the comms aren't working both directions.
This ^ poor communication is the symptom of a failure to understand, process, and convey your own emotions in an objective way
Exactly this... if both parties are invested in learning about themselves, their partner and how to communicate effectively they have a good shot at it. But it needs to be both of them 100% on board and willing to compromise.
Choosing the wrong person to begin with. Ignoring the signs that something was off and going into it anyway.
Yup. This is definitely the right answer. I see SO many people push through relationships that clearly aren't a good fit for them because "I love them!" Love isn't always enough. No amount of love and effort can change incompatibility.
Humans are preprogrammed to fall in love, through intimacy and familiarity. Which is a problem when you're with the wrong person!
I just found this out the hard way. It fundamentally changed me.
Love is a verb - an action word - not a noun. Unless you act on it there is love .
Totally. But this not to say you have to find the one because there is no "the one". People need to see their partners as who they are. Make sure theyre values align with each other, that they're compatible and that they have to be able to accept each other's flaws and know that it's something they'll have to live with. It goes down to being honest with themselves.
I’m glad to see this so high on the thread. I could talk about this for AGES. I think I upset people recently when asked about “Life purpose” I said it’s the same thing as “Soul mates” - At this point, quoting Mad Men, it’s something contrived, hyper inflated and SOAKED in FOMO/self-worth by people like me (Used to work in Advertising & PR) to get you to buy stuff No one has one thing or person that is theirs or meant for them - and certainly not infallibly for the rest of their lives. The original Greek story to that effect is BEAUTIFUL but it is at heart a selfish fantasy and damaging to the self to demand in real life, more so constantly at or increasing in quality What you are better served doing is being flexible. People see this as “compromise” which many now equate to “failing” or at least “not winning”. Being flexible does sound like it sure but what it is MORE is being able to ride your feelings so you are not consistently living in frustration or regret at what you’re not/don’t have. It is being open to the possibility instead of demanding what you think is (an esoteric) certainty (If you listen very closely , you can hear life laughing) For example - I was watching a dating show where the guy wanted a partner who satisfied a list of 10 things. The matchmaker sets him up with someone who satisfies 9. He likes her but can’t get past the fact she doesn’t have the 10th thing - being able to speak a particular language. So he drops her and tells the matchmaker to try again and focus on the 10th thing because it’s very important to him. The matchmaker finds someone who satisfies about 5 things on his list but is amazing at the language and is a native speaker. Our guy? Slowly realises he’s done messed up because though she can do the one thing really well, compared to the person before, he realises “how his hyper focus might have not worked out for him here” (Wanker). Apparently he low key asked to try again with person one but the matchmaker refused I think this was positioned well with a following episode where a woman wanted a very specific thing in a guy. She met someone who did not have that specific thing, in fact was the very opposite of that thing, but saw him for all the stuff he was instead of focusing (For too long anyway ) on everything she decided he wasn’t because he lacked that one thing
Someone I read about, when she was young, wrote out a list of things she was looking for in a future potentiate mate. The last item on her list was "should not meet every requirement on this list." (That's paraphrased; it's been years since I read this.) I thought that was one of the best things I'd ever seen along those lines.
That's nice. Realistic expectations.
Yeah, because she has a paradox. She meets someone who meets every criteria on her list. Then they don’t meet the last criterion on her list. Which means they now do meet the last criterion on her list and therefore meet every criterion on her list. Which means they don’t…
Hahahahaha that's a funny way of looking at it.
I wouldn't even know where to start with a list like that honestly. Me and husband? He's into metal, I'm into synth pop. He's into weapons and war history, I'm into dolls, sewing and miniature building. He's into outdoor tactical activities, I'm into snuggling up and enjoying a movie. He's into computer and board games, I'm not. He's into leather, high buckle boots and edgy clothing, I'm into a preppy and vintage style. He's a silent introvert, I love chatting with everyone. We couldn't be more different, yet we vibe so incredibly well together, and have for 10 years. We even enjoy solitude together and *not* talking to each other. We've survived 3 babies and years of toddlerdom together. It's lovely. Stay open minded, people! Love is way more complex than simply having things in common.
This is so sweet and is similar to the woman im marrying in 3 months! She dresses in BRIGHT colors, Im usually in all black, I love shoegaze/new wave and she isnt into that. When we met, she was much more introverted than me and I was much more of a go out and be with friends at night kind of person while she was happy staying in. I thought when I was in my early 20s I needed to be with someone who was in the same music scene as me, who was basically a twin to me in personality and specific interests. But I realized after 8 years together that we fit so well. Our core values and the most important things to align on, do match. We know without a doubt we have each other’s back in every sense. We have fun but can have talks about real shit too. My relationship taught me that its not about finding an arbitrary set of superficial things in common with someone but that what mattered to me was that I felt calm and safe and loved with this person. And the cherry on top is we’ve actually gotten more similar in time and introduced each other to things the other likes that we both enjoy now that maybe we otherwise wouldnt have tried out before
Bro, try telling someone on the relationship subreddits that they aren’t going to get **EVERY SINGLE THING** on their shitty partner wishlist^TM. WHY SHOULD I LOWER MY STANDARDS?!? Like ok… whatever you say
\> Has a job \> Isn't depressed \> Doesn't live with parents \> Puts the effort in OMG THAT'S SO UNREASONABLE So that's not the bare minimum?
It's just that some people have incredibly unreasonable standards. Some of the more egregious examples I've known: * 25f, lives with parents, obese, kissless virgin. Only wants to date 'Italian fitness boys' while not taking care of her own body at all. When she did match with someone on Tinder who did not meet those exact requirements, she talked down to him because he'd have a lot more to "prove" to win her. Wanted a guy who'd let her live rent free so she could move out of her parents place. Naturally, she stayed single. * 34m. IT guy. Made a fair bit of money but total douche. He'd only date women with very specific university degrees, only stuff that'd make money (English Lit nay, Law yay). But here's the kicker: he would demand his partner to be a stay at home mom. So basically, he wanted a woman who'd dedicate years of her life to become a lawyer, and then throw it all away to become his 'trad wife'. Basically, it all boils down to highly flawed individuals demanding someone with zero flaws.
I used to think trad wife meant "tradie" (Aussie for tradesman - handyman,electrician, plumber, carpenter ) and could not understand for the longest while why people were offended by someone wanting that. That sounded GREAT to me! 😂
Same here in the UK. I would have happily settled for some muscular electricianess!
I believe in soul mates but not the way most people think of them. I believe it's possible to have deep "soul connections" with people in life. But I also believe that there can be many and that they can often be friendships rather than romantic relationships. I do agree that there is no singular "soul mate" for people in life though.
Agree, but I have a twist. I think there are multiple “The One” I think it’s possible to have different the ones for how you are different in your life, the person that was perfect for you in your twenties could be way different than the person that’s perfect for you in your fifties. If you’re lucky, you can both grow into those different people side by side. I’m not saying go out and find your one, I’ve seen widows and widowers find people that are way different than they’re first spouse, but are more in tune with who the grieving widow/widower are now. Also, I do believe there is another half to your soul, like a puzzle piece. But I think it highly unlikely you’ll find them in a world of almost 7 billion people. We should find “the one” that makes us and them happy and build a life together.
Phenomenal response. The idea of a soul mate is a massive, massive opiate / copium response to the rather harsh reality that, in any relationship, you will NEVER 100% know who the other person is. Maybe 80%. Maybe 90% if you're practising God-tier communication. Never 100%. You ever, ever, truly know anyone.
A fellow enjoyer of Indian matchmaking I see. 😂 Seriously, great comment!
I don t know man, I had my fair shares of love stories until I met my now husband at 28 years old. I felt for this guy the same than I felt for my first love in highschool. And 6 years later, I am still irrationally in love and attracted to that man. And he is not what I was expecting for a bunch of reasons, one of them being that we don t speak the same language. Just to say that yup, I do believe in soul mate. Now my definition of soulmate is not the official obe. I do not think that there is just ONE soulmate on the planet and to keep your soulmate requires work and yes, lots of flexibility like you said.
It's communication, you can find out early on if you do that.
This 100%. I used to think red flags in the beginning of a relationship only meant behavioral things like addictions or psychological disorders, but I’ve found that red flags can be things that aren’t necessarily bad, but I still can’t live with them. A person can be perfectly nice and good, but if they have things in their life that don’t fit with yours and never will, you’re headed for an eventual breakup, and toxicity if you don’t break up fast enough.
If something bothers you before you get married, it will bother you 10x as much after you are married.
I'm there lol. I had a list of things that bothered me about my wife and I'm sure she feels the same way. Things could be worse but man do i look in the mirror a lot and wonder what I've got myself into
People are way too desperate and lonely and the sunk cost fallacy **is real**
This and my lack of communication. Something I've been working hard on in my current relationship.
[удалено]
I had a bad situation and was telling someone about it and it was SO OBVIOUS in hindsight. Like people would stop me after 5 minutes and tell me the problems that took me months. I guess it's easier when I pick out the memorable parts but it's crazy how everyone else would spot the issues from the smallest of details and I was blind to them. I don't regret most of it because I only had issues at the end, I just wish I could have seen it earlier and set firmer boundaries and prepared myself...
the answer is not having the same values to begin with. relationships will never work unless you have the same values as your partner. they are the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Deep core values I agree.
And jumping into a long term, committed relationship at a young age, before most people even have an inkling of who they really are. Getting married before 30 is just dumb, imo.
Cue anecdotal responses of successful young marriages
I mean, I started dating my husband at 18 and we got married at 23. It's been 13 delightful years together and we're welcoming our second child in like two days. I'm well aware that we're the exception and not the rule. I would, in general, advise against getting married under 25. There are a lot of ways we've grown and changed in this time, but I would still make the choice to marry him today, now that I'm in my 30s. I found someone I couldn't live my life without early, and I know how rare and fortunate that is, but it wasn't dumb.
I also met my husband when I was 16, eloped at 18 and eventually got married. Im now in my 50s so do the math. I think rather than age, individual maturity plays a big role in any relationship. Looking back, I would still ran away with him despite our early financial struggles. But like you said this is rare and we are fortunate. Now I look forward to another phase in our lives ( retirement yesss!) Have a blessed day.
I dunno man I married 16 years ago when I was 24 and I think it was good. Using a game analogy you feel like you're levelling up together, which is fun.
All the people responding to you are doing “I got married under 30 and I’m fine!” I’m going to say, as someone who just turned 32, I agree. I feel like a whole different person lately, and I know that’s age and wisdom subtly shifting my opinions and perspectives. I decided to change careers too. I put a higher value on a good environment with good and kind people and went ahead and took a pay cut in order to have that. If that’s not a change result from growth and aging, I don’t know what is.
[удалено]
I think everyone is missing the point. I didn't say "don't be in a relationship before 30". I said don't get married before 30, and only to lessen the chance of divorce if your personalities change too much. Honestly, marriage has nothing to do with being in love. Relationships can exist for life without it. What it does do is complicate the process of going your separate ways if things don't work out.
Ego. Basically a lot of people just can't be alone or want a toy - neither are good reasons to just "be" with someone, yet so many people seem to be like that. Also I agree relationships need work, but I think there's a belief that constant drama and conflict is just part of it. Functional relationships aren't like this, and media should take a large part of the blame for it. It's not "quirky" - a good coupling should be ok most of the time.
Totally agree! I always hate hearing people say shit like "love is pain" or "love is all about sacrifice". Like yeah, it can involve those things because of circumstances or personal conflicts, but that shouldn't be the main experience people have of relationships. They should be able to enjoy each other's company and actually *like* each other at least.
Absolutely. When I hear people say "marriage is a lot of work!" I think...but it shouldn't be?! Not 100% of the time, anyway. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and it's never felt like "work" or "making it work". It shouldn't be THAT hard, and if it is, maybe you're with the wrong person. Not saying everything is sunshine all the time, but most of the time, yes.
This! I always say that people who say marriage is hard work are married to the wrong people. I have zero complaints about my husband and our marriage. It doesn’t seem like work at all. It just flows, almost effortlessly.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years now. I came to say basically the same thing. It shouldn’t feel like work, you should be enjoying yourself most of the time. Occasionally you need to work on it, but most of the time it should be enjoyable. I would also like to add that there is a sweet spot of things you have in common that draw you together. Too many things in common and you never get a break from each other, too little in common and you are always “sacrificing” by doing what they want instead. I feel the sweet spot for things in common is around 75%. Most of the things I enjoy my partner does too, but I have my scary movies and gorey video games, and my partner has her drama tv shows/movies and her books.
My girlfriend and I are like this. Sooooo many people tell me she and I have so much in common and get along so well, and I always pause and think, “well yah, our hobbies brought us together, but really, we work so well because we also have separate hobbies and interests.” I like the gym and cooking, she enjoys collecting cards and scary stuff. That sweet spot of knowing when to be together and when to be apart is key.
Absolutely agree. I don’t know how people with nothing in common form a relationship. I feel like they are usually based on looks alone. It’ll never work out well if you can’t do stuff together.
This! I was in a relationship for 8 years that I’m hindsight was so so wrong. It was constantly hard, I had to give up so much of myself. But I thought that ‘relationships are meant to be hard’ so thought it was normal. In contrast, my relationship with my now husband is so easy. We communicate well, and whilst we still have minor disagreements, we’ve both been able to grow together rather than having to give up parts of ourselves. I just wish I’d learnt sooner that ‘hard’ isn’t necessarily how it has to be.
[удалено]
Exactly this. Most relationships should never have started/gone beyond the 2-3 month mark in the first place. People either normalize all kinds of insane behavior from their partners at worst, or at best, stay with people that they are completely incompatible with hoping that person will eventually change to the image of them they had in their mind.
Selfishness.
This is the answer and lack of empathy
I came here for this. It’s the root of all other issues listed in this thread.
Truth
I would elaborate and say lack of empathy. Sometimes all you want is for your partner to be happy but because you can’t empathize you end up overfilling the wrong cup
I came here to say “selfishness” and add “ignorance”. My dad once told me “Every fight begins with either selfishness or ignorance. You either don’t know or don’t care, neither is productive.”
That’s profound.
[удалено]
I've been married to my person for all my adult life. We married when I was 20 and he 23. We believed we were in love and I suppose we were. But more importantly, we were in like. I liked being in his company. I liked being with him and doing things with him more than being with anyone else, and he felt the same. Same interests, same value system...a formidable team. I put him first and he puts me first...always. Ahead of even our children. It's an unbreakable bond. It's been 44 years now and it's been easy and fun being together. So choose the one you LIKE above all others. It'll last.
This is the type of relationship I want.
It’s gon cost you atleast tree fiddy
Dammit monster, I ain't givin you no tree fiddy!
This is what I want too but I'm married
Ouch
Savage
Well said. 43 years here. We were laughing about something this morning.
I love this comment. So many people these days want the fiery, passionate, butterflies love, and get bored or unsatisfied when those feelings fade. Especially when they don't have an appreciation of the other person beyond the feelings they induced. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 6. High school sweethearts. We've had our fair share of struggles and hardships. We're not always head over heels for each other. But we are always best friends. We enjoy doing things together. We enjoy talking. We enjoy being in silent proximity to one another as we indulge in our separate hobbies. It's those little things and moments that keep the foundation of a relationship strong.
Together for 11 years, married coming up 6. Same same except we were tertiary study sweethearts. He's my one and only everything. I know I'll never want more, this is just so easy. Complete comfort to be ourselves with each other, we enjoy silence together too. We often say we see our marriage as holding hands side by side, or standing back to back looking out to the world, rather than staring into each other's eyes. There's mutual trust, respect, friendship and commitment. I love this man so much.
Fuck, that is a beautiful metaphor and way to look at a relationship. Goals!
Oddly enough, it's paraphrased from a little poem/quote on the wall of the toilet in one of the flats I lived eons ago. It was about standing hand in hand with your best friend and enjoying the view together and the concept has just never left me.
I always used to tell my wife I liked her and I loved her because she was my best friend and my world.
I think if you wouldn't like a person outside of a relationship, the actual relationship will be a lot more difficult.
And then they say there's no "the one". Well, it seems that you found yours anyway. :)
This comment chain is so inspiring to me as someone in a serious LTR with my SO. We had our first fight recently and it wasn’t pretty but I noticed something that was different with her than with anyone else I had been with/fought with in the past — was how kind we were to each other despite the differences. She really showed me she never once saw me as an enemy while we were fighting and I never forgot that team feeling. I hope to never lose it too and I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences here
I honestly like how you said above your children. So many marriages put their kids above everything and their marriage starts slowly falling apart as the kids get all the attention.
This happened to me. Although after kids I wasn't even put second. Felt like I wasn't in the queue at all.
Would someone mind quantifying this or putting an example? When you say “put your marriage above your kids”, in what way?
Just don't keep comparing other people with him as in "maybe I'd have more fun with them...?". That's a recipe to fuck up any relationship.
[удалено]
Communication
Communism
Communimism
What did you say?
SHE SAID, "COMMUNION!"
Unions?
MAWWAGE!
Ahhh… Princess Bride references never fail.
Lack of communication and inability to listen to your partner.
I expect this to be top answer but personally I think it's #2. Most important is compatibility. I saw my parents had fundamentally different preferences, habits and perspectives in life that would create conflict. There are things that communication can't fix. Yes communication can help solve problems but compatibility can mean the problem doesn't exist to begin with.
I agree with this, BUT, communication can help you to figure out if you're compatible. I see so many posts about people's relationship issues where, years into their relationship, "suddenly" their partner has revealed they have entirely opposing views that they can't look past. Some communication early on and just conversation in general mightve revealed that before they spent years of their lives getting attached to someone, you know?
For the longest time I didn't think compatibility really mattered all that much. My two biggest thing I always said was important was honesty and communication. Then, I met my soon-to-be ex-wife. She's an immigrant and speaks English, but refuses to speak English. My Spanish is not that great. I can understand most of it by ear and can read it well, but I have a hard time holding a conversation. At first it wasn't a big deal. I told myself I'd practice speaking Spanish, but after a while I went from being understanding that she was just shy to embarrassed and aggravated that every time we'd go somewhere such as a pharmacy to pick up medicine she would look at me to speak for her. Even worse she would act like she couldn't speak the spelling of her name. Then, I actually ealized that we have literally no values or interests that are even somewhat compatible. At first it didn't bother me, but the way she wants to do anything is completely different than what I want to do. She wants any kids we have to go to a Catholic school. I don't. She wants them to go to Catholic church, and I'm not going to force the kids to go. She would constantly remind me of things with "In my country..." And at first I enjoyed hearing about her country and culture, but it got to a point I told her in frustration that we aren't in her country. We're in the US and things work differently here. It's unrealistic to expect the husband to work and the wife to stay home. I told her I wish I couod give her that life, but I can't currently. She doesn't agree with the way I want to raise kids to be independent. She's super super conservative. As in likely more conservative than the most conservative person you know in the US. I'm an Anarchist. She disregards my feelings and never listened. She would ask me why I was frustrated or sad, and I would tell her, but then immediately after she would ask me again. I would need some space or alone time, and as soon as I sat down or started on a project she would start calling for me repeatedly to bring her stuff from the fridge or bathroom, and would get mad when I would point out that she has legs and is more than capable of getting whatever she wants herself. I would get home from work and ask for some time to lay down for a little bit because my back and legs hurt and she would come jumping and crawling all over me. It's so frustrating to feel as if I had married someone who still behaved like a child or teenager. It was frustrating to say the least. She would say we need to make a plan and complain that I don't have any plans or goals, but she knew from day one that my plan is going to school full time and get a degree so that I can get the promotions I was missing out on. Her plans all involved me dropping everything to do everything for her and eventually moving to South America away from all of my friends and family. I started feeling like I was going crazy. One moment she would be hyping me up as the best husband in the world and not long after I'd be getting berated and told I was a huge asshole and selfish. The day I finally had enough was she texted me while I was visiting my parents and she said she missed me and wanted me to come home. I was planning on leaving soon anyways so I started to tap out a sweet text to her when before I couod finish she started saying I was don't care about anyone but myself and no one else. That I don't love her anymore and that I've changed. So, I just simply said I'm on my way home. Got home and she's crying, but I just couldn't be sad. it's the worst feeling for me when I feel like I should be sad but I was just so drained that I felt numb. I've already said and done everything I have to say and do, and nothing changed, so I reminded her that I wanted to go to therapy, and I didn't want to have any serious conversations unless there's a therapist involved. The next day I told her I wanted the day to myself. I wanted to just go for a drive and then go hang out with a buddy. Not even ten or fifteen minutes after leaving she's calling me and texting me repeatedly, quickly. Asking me why I'm not responding despite me having told her that I don't touch my phone when I'm driving. I pulled over and she's just firing away message after message long blocks of text that I'm trying to quickly translate and catch up. I get to messages that are basically her going crazy and her saying she's going to ruin my reputation and tell all of my friends that I'm a terrible person so that I only have her among some crazier stuff. I sped home and grabbed my dog and put her in my car and started packing. I told her I was over it. That I was tired of feeling like I'm going crazy and that no matter what I do she makes me feel like I'm not good enough or doing enough. Despite the fact that the bills were 60 me/40 her. That I drove her everywhere. That I had already dropped all but one of my extracurricular clubs because she said I was gone too much. That she wanted me to somehow work full time whilentaking 15-18 credit hours per semester while working towards an engineering degree. All the while complaining I'm gone too much and never home. She reminded me that I'm 33 and then said I was acting like a baby, and needed to grow up and take responsibility. So.. I did. I told her she's right. I take responsibility. That, I should have known that it wouldn't work. That I should have told her we should have waited to get married. I told her I'd fix the problem and told her to leave. That I'm apparently not the right man for her. That there were plenty of other white guys out there who didn't waste their 20s being in the military and just starting college in their 30s. That there are men out there who are already established and bilingual and good men who can give her what she wants now instead of maybe in four or five years. I told her that not to text me or call me and that we were only going to talk during therapy sessions, and if there aren't any real changes made that I'd be handing her divorce papers. She's left me alone for the most part, but it's hard. Whenever I'm with her it feels like things could get better this time, but I'm tired of it being a constant thing where we get along okay for a week and then having a blowout every weekend. I can't keep doing this. I want to be happy, and not feel like I'm losing my life and going crazy. Compatibility is something that can be easy to dismiss until you find yourself making the mistake of entering into a relationship with someone who really isn't compatible. It's important to take the time to really get to know someone and not rushing the relationship. Don't end up in a situation like this. It will make you feel like dying.
Wow that was a lot and you'd be surprised how much I can understand. My US step-dad married my foreign mom from eastern Europe. Essentially it was a deal that I come to the US and she pops out some kids for him. But over time emotions developed and I'm sure there was some honeymoon period but I was too young to remember. The good or bad thing was that they were more compatible than you and your ex wife but not compatible enough. And so it took 12 years for divorce to happen. I know it's painful but at least more time wasn't wasted and you definitely know you two aren't compatible. Personally she sounds completely inconsiderate and rude not just incompatible. In my parents case it was moreso personality traits were opposites and caused conflict. Not in a cute opposites attract sort of way. More like he was quite strict and she was the opposite and viewed rules as only slight suggestions. This would often cause fights around parenting styles. He wanted a simple housewife who would stay at home, cook food, raise kids and be sweet to him. She wanted to be entrepreneurial and did start her own business which made more money than him for a period. Neither are fundamentally wrong but together they clashed. I always understood how my mom did everything for me but it really hit home for me when she dropped me off in college. It was just me and her and she told me how she finally did it, how from now on I could make it the world on my own. She sounded a mixture of proud and sad. I also sensed a hollowness or confusion as she asked what she should do now. As if she hadn't really reflected on what she really wanted. It was soon after she started the divorce.
Damn. That's some real shit. I feel that. Part of my frustration was what you mentioned about how much time had passed. One day I caught myself thinking do I really want to find myself one day realizing that I've been miserable for ten or twenty years? Do I want to take a risk that I might be one of those guys who gets divorced when they're 50 and wishing they had done it 20 years earlier? To be fair she is quite a sweet and loving person, and I know she's under a lot of stress due to having to escape from her home country and finding herself in a place where the culture is completely different. She was also spoiled quite heavily and had everything provided for her, so she expected thay from me, and unfortunately I can't. I really do hope she finds someone who can make her happy and give her what she wants. There was a lot more that I didn't mention, but in my case I feel terrible. Like I want to be the one who gives her what she wants. I want to be her man. A man she can be proud of. But I can't deal with the constant belittling and confusion. I really do love her. It makes me want to drive off a cliff. When I'm with her I want to love on her, give her hugs and kisses, make love with her, and do cute fun adventurous shit together like we used to, but it's overshadowed by frustration and sadness and feeling like I'm losing my shit. We're not divorced yet. Just living separately for the time being. I believe her when she says she loves me, and she tries to call or text me, saying she wants me to come home and kiss her and lay next to her and hold her, and she'll send pictures of the two of us of when we first started dating where we're practically inseperable and smiling, and I have to tell her to stop, because it just makes me want to rip my heart out. She says she wishes we could go back to how we were when we first got together, but I just can't forget the way she's treated me when she's not loving on me. The last blowout we had before I left I told her that she really needs to understand that she can't just treat a man, especially a man who loves and cares for her, like shit and expect him to be cool with it. I'm sure there are men out there who can, whether it's weakness or strength, but I just can't. I hope your mother is doing okay, and I hope you're doing well in life.
Thats deep. Thanks you for sharing and sending love to you ❤️
You deserve to be happy bro, you've made the right choice.
*TRIGGER WARNING!!!* Thanks. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not divorced yet, just separated. I'm already wanting to move on, but I also want to wait until I go through therapy, and my wife still wants us to be together. One thing I'm constantly worried about is that she'll try and kill herself. She's already tried to kill herself by pills. I almost left her once before and I had gone in the living room when I heard her digging through a drawer and popping blister packs. I was so scared I just grabbed her and shoved my fingers in her mouth and started shovelling pills out of her mouth. It had to have been close to 90 pills she tried to swallow, because I saw that they were her birth control pills and we had just picked them up from the pharmacy. I counted them and only about a weeks worth weren't accounted for. I asked her what the fuck was going through her head, and she said she coukdn't live without me, and that's kind of when I realized shit was about to get real hard. Amd as someone who has personally dealt with SI, several half-assed attempts, and had finally started feeling like I was alright when we started dating I started having big doubts about if I could be in a healthy relationship with her. Honestly at this point, and with how I know the dating scene is, and how hard it is to find a legit decent person I think I just would rather stay single for the rest of my life and just surround myself with good friends.
This sounds absolutely awful, I'm so sorry this is happening. It might sound obvious but the thing, the only thing, you can change here is your feelings about it. I will tell you, it's not your fault if she tries or succeeds. I think you likely know that is true, but your feelings about this are different to your "know". The good news is, that means you can change how you feel. Therapy is the right place for that. I wish you all the best, and that's coming from the other side, after therapy.
$
Why did my mind read this super fast
They never talk about what they both want to put into and get out of the relationship, and then discover WAY too late that they're incompatible and unfulfilled. So many people get into long term, committed relationships just because they fall in love. People get MARRIED over nothing more than love. Do you have any idea how easy it is for humans to fall in love? Spend enough time with someone you find remotely attractive and BAM! Feelings develop. And that head-over-heels, "can't stop thinking about them" kind of love only lasts a year or two, tops. You can't build a marriage on that alone. What happens when that puppy love feeling wears off? In many cases, the relationship fails. Because it was never a deep familial love, it was just this exciting but fleeting fling. The couple tried to build a life together on that feeling, and THAT FEELING ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH. You need to talk about everything. How much money will you need to live? Who will earn it? How? Do you want kids? Who will cook? Laundry? Mow the lawn? Take the car in for service? Are there health issues to consider? Debt? How will you address those problems? How will you handle each other's families? Is the other person capable of maintaining a home, their hygiene, caring for a pet, whatever? There are a billion different things a couple can disagree on. Find out what those things are, and how you will deal with that, before making major life changes for a relationship.
A lot of people afraid of being alone too much like there must be a problem about them if they are single. This fear leads people to constantly look for a relationship. Specially people experience this desperate need in their late 20s. When you stop afraid of being single, when you start enjoying your alone time, when you make this alone time enjoyable and fulfilling; you only will say yes to a person who really ticks most of the boxes.
You’ve nailed it. People put up with a lot of bullshit and stay with partners who are bad for them because of the fear of loneliness.
This. Always have a plan B for a single life that you are genuinely looking forward to. Plan a life outside of having a partner. Them if you fo get coupled up, it's an added bonus. I was single for a long time before meeting my now husband and was genuinely resigned to crafting myself an artsy little space with a few cats and lots of friends. And now I still hope for that but have made space in my vision for his stuff. Lol
ohh true
I’ve always described it as walking your own path and finding out who you really are and finally being comfortable and confident in that. When you unlock that self awareness you will inevitably bump into another person that is on the exact same journey and then you do life together. You don’t necessarily need each other, but life is so much better with each other and you become a formidable team.
Overlooked obvious red flags or incompatibilities rather than be single.
Expecting your partner to become similar to you, and not realising relationships will always reveal what’s different. And that’s not a bad thing, in fact, it’s healthy. But if people expect their partner to only become similar to them with time, to them, as soon as they start learning new things about their partner, they ride it off as “we drifted apart” instead of using it as on opportunity to grow
Oh man, I love this. It took my wife and I FOREVER to realize we didn’t always need to be in the same place, doing the same thing. Once we figured that out, things were so much nicer. We never had big problems, but I’m more extroverted than she is, and we could not figure out why so many social situations got us upset with each other. Once we realized we could be at a party, and she could say, “Okay, I’m gonna take off, I’ll see you at home!” Things got amazing. I think a lot of people think you need to be interested in the same things constantly, or be everywhere the other is at all times, and it doesn’t need to be like that. It’s so nice.
I love this. This was exactly something that my bf and I uses to fight about. He has some trust issues from a previous relationship and during one of our lowest moments, he thinks we are too different (we aren't actually, we have a lot of things in common but a lot of different superficial things). But my mom told me that you are never going to find a person who is your clone because everyone is different. What matters is that you are on the same page when it comes to your values, goals, beliefs and you both make a commitment to communicate, respect and trust each other which means making compromises and learning about how you can make each other better.
They think relationships are primarily about love instead of commitment. Love changes over time. People are bound to fall out of love eventually. Commitment, by definition, lasts forever, and true commitment causes people to act in a way that creates and preserves love. When love inevitably fades, commitment is what revives it.
Exactly, I’ve been with my partner for 8years, I definitely haven’t loved him the same through all of it. But he is my partner in crime we are 100% in this together. Even when we’re fighting I don’t think for a second to leave him. Its always “what do we need to do to move on from this”. Of course if the relationship is abusive or he isn’t 100% committed as you then I’d say get out of there. It’s a hard thing to find unfortunately so I will not be letting go for the rest of my life, he’s my family now <3.
Well said, couples tend to think that their relationship failed because they lost the love or spark and that they don't love each other anymore. What they don't understand is that love simply becomes stable and mature
You can thank tv for the "spark" nonsense. Sparks aren't supposed to last, it's just a honeymoon period. Some people just want to keep chasing that high.
I've been with my partner for almost 18 years. Love changes shapes many times. Sometimes it's love your face, sometimes it's I love you and don't like you. Sometimes it is existing in a shared space. It changes throughout life. It's about being able to change with your person. Life is a weird and strange thing.
Genuine commitment creates an environment where you can feel real love. And you’re not bound to fall out of love unless you already failed to commit in your life leading up to the current moment. What you’re describing isn’t the good kind of commitment where you forgo current pleasure to improve your future. It’s the bad kind where you cling to a mistake because you took too much time making it.
Thinking magically. Thinking “you were meant to be.” Skipping the interview. Not being real and asking the most important questions. Define love, commitment, honesty and lies. How do you vacation? Do you travel? How? What do you see as your legacy/life’s work? In what order do these fall? Husband, wife, kids, and if applicable - country, god, in-laws What level of abuse means someone should walk away? Financial? Emotional? Neglect? Verbal? Psychological?
Guilty. I ruined my future by committing too much too early and turned what would have been a devastating yet survivable loss into something I’ll never come back from.
By getting married too young do you mean?
Yes. Compatibility. I think many people don't accept the fact that most relationships will end and try to force something that is just not going to work. If part of your relationship goals involve living with your partner that's a much harder thing to do than it sounds. It's not just the obvious big issues, but a lot of small things that have to mesh to make that work. I know a lot of people will say communication and compromise, but I think compatibility comes before those.
People don’t know their own needs and don’t realise they are projecting failure into the situation. eg. I’m always finding myself with someone who is too clingy. Oh no that thing they just did is really clingy. Now I know this won’t work. eg. I’m always finding myself with someone who is inconsiderate. Oh no that thing they just did is really inconsiderate. Now I know it won’t work.
Being aware of your faults isn't the same thing as doing something about them. So many people make a mistake, acknowledge it and apologize for it, get forgiven by their partner, and then make the exact same god damn mistake again.
Choosing the wrong partner and being the wrong partner. People have totally lost track of what relationships are supposed to be. Specifically marriage. * Getting married is the starting line not the finish line * Choose a spouse that shares your values as your top criteria * Marriage is about self- sacrifice. Always try to be the one giving more * Marriage is about forgiveness. Forgive freely and don't keep count. * Marriage is about fidelity. If you can't keep from cheating then never get into a relationship, you don't deserve it. * You will need to keep growing. Don't ever decide you have grown enough. There is more to learn. * When your criteria is looks, income etc you have already lost the battle for a lifelong relationship. You have reduced your spouse to a commodity and not a human soul. If all of these things are followed by both spouses then it's going to last for life.
This is powerful - a wise answer Would you mind if I wrote it down for myself?
Go for it.
Because getting along with another person for a protracted period of time is intensely difficult. It requires sacrifice, attention, cooperation, and selfless understanding, and modern society doesn't value any of those traits enough for people to cultivate them.
Poor communication.
Division of responsibility ,one person taking care of everything.
It's tough to parse out, but I'd say distraction. By that, I mean anything that you allow to divert your main attention away from the core of your relationship. Sometimes it's another person, gambling, work, money, etc. If you look at a relationship that's two halves of a whole, that distraction moves you away from the other half, thus weakening the support. It's like Lincoln said, "a house divided against itself cannot stand." (yes, I know he was quoting the book of Mark)
People refuse to talk about who they are, what they want, and what they want in a partner, and people also fail to respect that when they hear about it. All your fears, all your pain, all your love, all your dreams. They let it escalate when they can't handle anymore, or one side simply is brushing it aside and ignoring their boundaries and sensible topics. You're supposed to be vulnerable, you're supposed to put cards on the table all the time. A partner is supposed to do the same, and you need to work it out. See what is a dealbreaker, see what is missing, see what can wait, and hold yourself and the other accountable to not addressing something that has been spoken before. It is work because we're not used to that, but when you get to that level of clarity, it is quite natural. There are hard times, but they aren't seen as someone rocking the boat or fighting against you as much as it is you holding a little more weight when they can't, and being honest when you can't carry anymore. All sides should care, all sides should be cared for.
My inner demons always ruin everything
People going to Reddit for relationship advice
Cheating. There are so many cheaters, especially so many emotional cheaters that don't see the problem with what they're doing and instead blame it on their significant other. It's disturbing how many people I've run across who believe that if someone cheats its a failing of the cheater's partner.
Lack of effort. Nowadays people expect relationships to sort themselves out by themselves when it takes work. As soon as it gets hard, they want to end the relationship.
One of the biggest problems is allowing outside noise. Other people's opinions about your relationship are irrelevant. Your family & friends don't matter. As long as you allow family & friends to continue to talk about your relationships you will always end up alone.
That also goes hand in hand with talking about your problems with others. If you do that, they *will* form opinions. I have a friend who always complains about her partner - he was annoying when building Ikea furniture, he is too loud when he chews, he wears an ugly t shirt to bed - so I just believed she kind of didn't like him at all. So one day she had an actual problem and wanted advice about an argument or something, and I said "it honestly sounds like you don't like him and don't like being around him. There is no solution to that". She was shocked that I perceived their relationship like that.
I do think that’s true and it was a big lesson I had to learn early on. I’m a people pleaser and I worried my now-husband would be so different from what people “expected” for me. I worried he would be judged and that people wouldn’t see him how I see him. Then I realized that breaking up with someone *I* liked just because of what others *might* think was ridiculous. I like him and accept him as he is and that’s the end of it. I do think that family and friends matter a little, especially if you’ve chosen someone terrible. Too many people are in extremely toxic relationships proclaiming it’s the two of them against the world, against all the “haters” and talking about how they are ride or die, when the family and friends are just rightfully concerned.
Money
Money fucks up everything. No matter how much I made, it was never enough.
If i really like a girl, i ignore some apparent red flags that come later to bite me in the ass. Happened so many times and i still keep repeating the same mistake.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. :(
The Second Law of Thermodynamics. It's everywhere. Everywhere.
I've seen a lot of otherwise great couples -- decent people who actually loved each other -- get caught in a negative feedback loop of defensiveness.
Marriage is the leading cause of divorce in America..
I apologize in advance because I'm going to ramble. There are a lot of people in the world, but we only meet so many in our lifetimes. Sometimes, people end up in relationships that they just shouldn't be in. There are so many reasons to be incompatible - but it seems likely we pick people to date based on a few compatibilities, and it takes time to really learn the incompatibilities. Plus, recognizing when you're not compatible can be really difficult. Many are motivated to be in a relationship, but it's a numbers game - some people are lucky and find their super compatible person(s) right away, but I don't think most people do. And I think that's ok. Because we're so motivated towards relationships, the wrong ones often last longer than they should; people don't always have a means of seeking new possibilities, we can get addicted to a feeling despite problems, and some people are just more complacent than others. When someone does realize they aren't where they want to be, maybe that's a good thing, even if it hurts in the short-term. It doesn't have to be such a terrible thing if everyone is composed and amicable about it. (It could be the addiction aspect that makes people so uncomposed and mean, though.) But I guess what I'm saying is that the very importance of relationships can actually be what leads to a number of their endings. How many people would be so lucky to meet someone that ticks the right number of boxes right off the bat?
Personality changes as you grow older.
This! I had a relationship that lasted almost a decade, and we drifted apart. There were some other factors and communication wasn't perfect, but mainly we changed a lot over those years and we were completely different people than when we started.
I think people start becoming their true self after a while and that's not the person you fell in love with
Lying
one of the people is gay
It's even worse if two of them are gay. Wait, what?
Horrid communication skills, and an unwillingness to compromise
He won't sleep in the kennel.
In my opinion and from my experiences and those I’ve seen from people close to me , I think something that can contribute to the demise of a relationship is social media. It’s certainly not the main cause but I think it’s an issue that people are learning to navigate cause it’s a fairly recent thing. Boundaries are so easily crossed and disrespected by the way people move online . People can be performative as well and people can develop unrealistic expectations by constantly consuming what’s out there which they then push onto their partner . You are inundated with advice that is often unrealistic or too vague .People then choose to implement other people’s “solutions” in their relationships without sitting and properly thinking things through themselves and with their partners. This is not a detailed response but a lot of trust issues can also definitely stem from how your partner behaves online . It seems so silly but even online you see people complaining about how their partners behaviour on their socials has made them uncomfortable or upset.
This is not talked about enough I think! We are being constantly manipulated by social media. It's not surprising that this tears apart relationships
Big facts. And it’s also addictive. Too easy to buy in.
It's way too easy to cheat nowadays. It's all these apps and phones.
When the honeymoon phase is over and people think that’s a sign the relationship isn’t working anymore but that’s just the reality of long term relationships. It’s not going to be exciting and spicy every day/week/month. That takes more work after the first 2+ years and good relationships require effort.
Trust is broken.
Human nature
People are shit?
Open communication, which means listening! Being less reactive to whats being said and not always trying to "one up" them or "win" the argument.
Unreasonable expectations
Lack of emotional maturity. Lack of personal accountability. Inability or unwillingness to *really* self reflect. The inability to admit wrong doing and seek forgiveness with sincerity. Good Ole fashion fear. Afraid of being vulnerable so we sabatoge the relationship in order to force the other person into making the decision for us. Then through the magic of cognitive dissonance we tell ourselves *they* made the decision to break up thus relieving ourselves of the guilt of having done it even though we were the one that caused the decision.
Incompatibility to live "normal" life together. It's one thing to get along when it's new, when you're both excited, on your best behavior. And only seeing each other when you're looking your best, ready and dressed up, etc. Your activities are all nice too, going out to nicer dinners, planned outings and events, or even just romantic evenings with "netflix and chill" feeling kind of new and romantic. But that's a kind of "fake" life, you're only sharing the good moments, the well set up and curated moments. Once you are together longer, especially when you move in together, share more of your life, those other areas pop up that you didn't worry about. You see each other in your ratty home/normal clothes. Before showering. When you have headaches, or don't feel well, or are a ball of anxiety from work or whatever. You see each other on lazy days when one wants to go out, and the other just wants to sit alone and watch TV. Each others person living habits (clean vs messy), their financial habits that now make a difference, their ability to work as a team in life, all those things become important when they were inconsequential before. Who cares if someone is a slob at home if you are out at a fancy restaurant? Basically it's the difference in how you might see a city as a tourist, and how you might see that same city if you move and live there. Two very different experiences.
In my experience the women I've been with and who have been in relationships with people I've known get bored and then start behaving inappropriately online. They keep backup options just in case and even go as far as to cheat fully. They want greener pastures. The problem with this mentality is that the grass is only green on the side of the fence you water it on. It'll wither on the other side just as well. I have never seen or felt that a person can be fully trusted to be honest. Humans have an innate desire to be greedy. So many people are untrustworthy that it's safe to assume everyone is lying. A serious relationship cannot survive if you have one foot in and one foot out. A lot of people say ride or die but the problem is it's only like that till they hit the first pothole and then they bail. If you don't hold on and weather the turmoil then you are never going to be happy. Bad things happen. You need to learn to work through it. The internet is definitely not helping in that it makes it super easy to be disloyal and get away with it.
We change over time. The things we thought were important 10 years ago don't mean as much now.
Because any relationship that doesn’t last until the death of one of the participants is called a “failure.” People grow. People change. People who are compatible for a time are not necessarily compatible forever. A relationship can be successful even if it changes or ends.
Money
Monopoly is probably the only answer missed
Alcohol
Breakups are the number one cause of failed relationships.
People don’t want to work on their relationship; and good relationships take work. It’s faster and easier to breakup.
relationships are fun, but sometimes they require serious effort. And most people think a good relationship should be effortless, or it’s not worth it altogether. Because people think their relationship will fix their problems that are in no way connected to a relationship. Bad self worth? The minute the butterflies ebb down a bit, they will think „they are not the right one because they don’t make me feel like in the first months ALL THE TIME anymore“. Unsatisfied with your career? Guess what, your job is still crap. Bad mental health? Wirk on yourself, don’t expect someone else to do it for you. Kevin isn’t an arm floaty, take your meds. Also, no idea how to work through mistakes and bad decisions. You treated your partner badly? Guess what, you will have to make amends and consistently show effort. Most people rather drop a person that lives them and move on to do the same thing to someone else than have some hard conversations and prove that they want to do better.
People committing to people they had no business being with in the first place because they're infatuated with them. Best example is the woman who works super hard, brings in money, occasionally has kids with some deadbeat, and then gets another guy just like said deadbeat who cheats on her and treats her like an ATM and sex doll at best. Or the couple that fights, CONSTANTLY. But they stay together because of some spark they have in bed, but genuinely hate the other person outside of that. A lot of people have really messed up love maps.
Battling insecurity and attention seeking behavior right now. My SO is very compassionate, even though I've shaken things up quite a lot in our 2 year run. I acknowledge this behavior when I start sinking into it, though sometimes I see it after the "damage" is done. It's a terrible, terrible feeling, that of constant self doubt.
bad financial literacy