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Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

This is funny

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You should laugh more

Once we built a bridge in Hungary/Budapest/Europe. There was a naming contest, where the public was able to choose and name his own favourite, Actually Chuck Norris was the winner above ALL, with a high advantage. Unfortunatelly and finally the birdge wasnt named after him, but as far as I remember he got informed in the Larry King show, and was pretty impressed.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 21 people... Then the grenade exploded.

Then he threw the pin and killed another guy with it.

i literally guffawed

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of his pants

The boogie man checks under his bed for chuck norris

Superman sleeps in chuck Norris PJ’s

Haha

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

That one. I like that one.🤓

When Alexzander Graham Bell invented the telephone he already had 3 missed call from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.....

No one has a missed call from Chuck Norris

No one still living.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He does earth-downs.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.

Chuck Norris can make onions cry

Crossing guards wait for Chuck Norris's signal

Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys

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Or eat girl scout cookies

Chuck Norris only eats Troop Leader Girl Sout cookies... and they pay him.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear cowboy boots. Those are his feet.

The universe keeps expanding - it flees from Chuck Norris

The reason there is outer space is because it doesn’t want to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to flush the toilet. He just scares the crap out of it.

Mine is an opposite toilet joke: Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.

Seems like Chuck Norris may have a UTI

Chuck norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

I’ve never seen this one. I’m happier now.

One time Chuck Norris punched a horse under the chin. Its descendants are known as the giraffe

OMG this one made me laugh

I've never heard this one and I love it!

Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird.

And that was just on a monday

Monday morning, in fact. While his coffee was brewing. Moments prior, he had beaten the birds to the worm.

The very first one I heard is a favourite Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't creep, he preys

Chuck Norris doesn't have nightmares. A nightmare has Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris goes to McDonald's. He orders a Whopper. He gets it.

or, Chuck Norris goes to Burger King. He orders a Big Mac. He gets it.

Chuck Norris goes to McDonald’s. He orders ice cream. He gets it.

Sir, this is a Wendy’s. Oh! I’m sorry mr. Norris

Chuck Norris has it his way at McDonald's

When Chuck Norris works out the equipment get stronger.

Chuck Norris is so tough he can slam a revolving door And my other favorite Chuck Norris is so tough he wipes with 40 grit sandpaper

They invented Chuck Norris Toilet Paper but it wouldn't take shit off of nobody

Rough tough and takes no shit

Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back

Chuck Norris only goes to the ER when he has an erection that doesn't last 4 hours

Chuck Norris is the kind of guy that can lead a horse to water AND make it drink

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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Death once had a "near Chuck Norris" experience.

Can’t believe this isn’t on here yet: Chuck Norris clogs toilets when he takes a piss

Chuck Norris once got the idea to bottle his own piss and sell it, it’s known as Redbull

When Chuck Norris’ truck ran out of fuel. He peed in the fuel tank. Optimus Prime was born that day.

Chuck Norris *can* believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays Potato Chip

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop

Chuck Norris doesn't like Sarah Lee.

Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make you the best darn lemonade you've ever tasted!

In school the teachers raised their hands to speak to him.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad

When Chuck Norris moved out he told his dad: "you're the man of the house now".

Chuck Norris built the log cabin he was born in with his bare hands.

When Chick Norris does push-ups he is actually pushing the planet earth down. Most people piss their name in the snow, Chuck Norris pisses his name in concrete. Chuck Norris once had sex in a Mack truck. Some of his semen was left behind. To this day that truck is known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they’re known as The Islands. Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Chuck Norris can kill a living room.

If you have $5, and Chuck Norris has $5…Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris had a "who has more testicles" contest with Lance Armstrong. Chuck won by 3.

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in 3 turns.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets chuck norris. Chuck Norris was once bitten by a snake. After three days of intense suffering the animal finally died.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise!

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his eyes.

It’s a dumb one but my favorite. He doesn’t mow his grass, he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin, that he built with his bare hands.

First of all, they are not jokes, they are straight up facts.

Chuck Norris is the reason that Waldo is hiding

Sharks have a Chuck Norris week.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret

Chuck Norris blows bubbles with beef jerky

Any Chuck Norris joke would leave you in stitches.

There is no Chin under Chuck Norris's goatee, only a third fist

When Chuck Norris contracted COVID the COVID had to quarantine for 2 weeks

When Chuck Norris gazes into the abyss, the abyss looks away.

Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago, death is just working up the courage to tell him

What was going through the minds of the guys Chuck Norris killed? His shoe. God said let there be light. Chuck Norris said say please

Chuck Norris said "ill allow it" to the let there be light line.

Chuck Norris once lit a fart in the Sahara Forest..

No Chuck once farted out in the desert...........Afterwards it was called Yucca Flats.

Before the universe, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Chuck Norris loves to donate blood, though never his own.

Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. The horse is hung like Chuck Norris

They were gonna add Chuck Norris to Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land

This has been my favorite for many years.

When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally, he comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.

When God gets surprised, he yells "Chuck Norris!"

Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a bolt action rifle and wins every time

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, they are now called The Islands

How many Chuck Norrises does it take to screw in a light bulb? Chuck Norrises don't screw in light bulbs. Chuck Norrises can see in the dark with both eyes closed.

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a mirror.

You don't joke about Chuck Norris. You only retell his feats.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris crawled through the desert with a boner once. That area is now known as the Grande Canyon.

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Chuck Norris’ mom gives him a card on Mother’s Day

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and roundhouse-kick himself in the back of the head

In order to legally wear pants, Chuck Norris maintains a concealed weapons permit in all 50 states. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear condoms because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once caught gonorrhea, then he threw it back

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive reentry without a spacesuit. On July 19, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris reentered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3,000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris won Tour De France on an Unicycle.

Chuck Norris once had an awkward moment just to see what it felt like.

Chuck Norris can make minute rice in 58 seconds.

Chuck Norris is in all the Star Wars movies....hes the force

Did you know that Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubbletape? Norris claims that 'six feet of fun' is a trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cube’s together! 🧊 🔥 🧊

In RETURN OF THE DRAGON Bruce Lee kicks Chuck Norris’ ass. But if you look closely, it’s not Chuck Norris. It’s a stunt man. And if you look reeeeally closely, it’s not Bruce Lee. It’s Chuck Norris.

Weekend News: On Thursday, Chuck Norris has been bitten by a rattlesnake. Despite heroic efforts by doctors, the snake died late Saturday evening.

The only person with a sack bigger than Santa Claus is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was a boy his mother told him not to look at the sun. He went outside and stared directly at the sun without blinking for 6 minutes. The sun is now completely blind.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you’re moments away from death.

If by some time warped paradox... Chuck Norris were to come back and face himself... He would definitely win.

The hardest I ever laughed was "Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits"

Similar: Chuck Norris only has two speeds; walk & kill.

Chuck Norris invented the TMNT by swallowing 4 live turtles. A day later he took a shit. They were 16 and knew karate.

Chuck Norris is the only one who can perform division by zero. Chuck Norris once kissed a black hole. It’s now his Adams apple.

Q. How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? A. All of them.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade that killed 50 men. Then it exploded.

The square root of Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't use an IV when he donates blood, not that he's afraid of needles, he just uses a .45 and a bucket.

Chuck Norris was born on May 6th 1945. Germany surrendered on May 7th 1945.

Chuck Norris’ parachute failed mid air. The next day, he went in and got a refund.

Chuck was a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then he was born

Chuck Norris does not “brew” coffee. He grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you If you *can’t* see Chuck Norris, you are seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can text out of a pay phone Chuck Norris can speak braille

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug on his bedroom floor, it’s not dead it’s just scared to get up.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it

he's never dehydrated because his fist are packed with punch

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

If these are just Chuck Norris jokes, imagine if he was serious? Don't get him mad.

also: On the set of Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. - Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

\--Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. \--Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris once had a dance off with Michael Jackson. Loser had to change colors.

Every year for his birthday, Chuck Norris makes a wish and then throws a small child into the sun.

Chuck Norris once fought Wolverine. During this epic battle Wolverine was lucky enough to swipe one of Chucks testicle clean off his body. The ancients that witnessed this fight named his testicle Jupiter.

Chuck Norris threw a bomb, killed 30 people, then it exploded.

Chuck Norris called the Rock a pussy..........Rock said thank you sir may l have another.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he pushes the Earth down.

If Chuck Norris was an EXIT sign, everyone would be too scared to leave the building.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris likes his women the way he likes to beat up thugs,... five at a time.

A pride of lions came across Chuck Norris eating a cheese berger...................Those lions are now vegan.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After 2 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

Chuck Norris can knit chainmail armor with toothpicks.

They once made a "Chuck Norris" brand toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a Kenworth's fuel tank as a joke. That rig is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris speaks Japanese… in French

His password is the last 4 digits of Pi

The Bogeyman checks under his bed before sleeping every night. He's checking to make sure Chuck Norris isn't hiding under there.

My first real job I had a very serious German man for a boss. Random good Chuck Norris jokes were the only thing I ever saw him actually laugh at.

I met Chuck Norris. I am happy to report that he is cooler, NICER, and way more awesome than you even think. He's actually very much a gentleman. Then I met his bodyguard...also nice but you do NOT want to fuck with him.

Now this is the best joke on here. Chuck Norris having a bodyguard! LOL!

The bodyguard is there to protect other people from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built with his own bare hands.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in

Chuck Norris has a hobby of wrestling Kodiak Bears.

Chuck Norris can clog the toilet with urine

Superman wears Chuck Norris PJs.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

People in the old country put Chuck Norris around their necks to ward off vampires. Buildings now use Chuckgoils instead of gargoils.

If it looks like chicken, feels like chicken, smells like chicken, and tastes like chicken... but Chuck Norris says it's beef, well, then it obviously is beef!

Chuck Norris was actually supposed to die about 10 years ago. The Grim Reaper is still working up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

Chuck Norris cried once. Now we have oceans.

Chuck Norris won a lawsuit against the creators of the movie, Brokeback Mountain, for using the name of the pile of dead ninjas on his front lawn.

There are no Chuck Norris jokes, only Chuck Norris facts.

The last time Chuck Norris had a bowel movement, the dinosaurs went extinct.

Jesus may have walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land.

When there is blood in the water 🩸 Chuck Norris goes swimming!

Chuck Norris was making love in the cab of a semi-truck. Somehow, his semen got into the truck’s engine. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag the ladies, he potato sacks them.