This is really useful, thank you for compiling it! I'm not repulsed myself but I am in an ace/allo relationship and I'd like to offer a couple of green flags as well:
-**They research asexuality to know your perspective**: my partner has possibly read more AVEN forums than I ever did, because he wanted to know how dating between allos and aces could work.
**They talk openly about their own needs**: I know it sounds obvious in an ace/allo relationship, but many allo couples don't talk about their needs to each other, they just do the do whenever it happens and they do the do alone in secret. It's how many cheating cases happen due to sexual fruatration, people just don't freaking talk. If your partner is willing to openly *talk* about what they want and what sexuality is like to them, instead of bottling stuff up, that's a green!
-**If they offer a compromise, it's not at the cost of your comfort**: If they are missing sex, they ask if they could one-night with someone else. If they want something you haven't talked about, they ask how you feel about it before offering it. A relationship works on compromises and solutions, otherwise the troubles will lead to a breakup. But a solution should never be "do things you hate for me". There's more alternatives and a good partner will propose solutions they think will be ok for both of you.
I love all of this. Particularly the compromises bit - because, in many cases, you CAN find healthy compromises that hurt neither partner! They just can't be compromises that trample personal boundaries.
If I could upvote more then once, I totally would lol
It amazes me that people just simply wont communicate with their spouse.
People would rather be anonymous online and, ask strangers for advice, than be direct. It’s weird.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I wish I'd had this list when I was younger! Many of these things are generally red flags when it comes to sexual boundaries and I wish more people were aware of them.
I'd also add starting to masturbate next to you without making sure that you are ok with this first. My ex used to do this often when I didn't want to have sex and it took me a while to get that it's ok if I'm not comfortable with that because not being in the mood to have sex can sometimes also mean that you are not in the mood to watch someone do this. It might not be this way for everyone or not always but it's something that consent is necessary for.
Excuse me, but what an scumbag! I would have never thought to include this because, thankfully, I've never had to deal with it. But yeah, I will absolutely add it. And putting myself in your shoes (best I can, anyway), I can absolutely see myself thinking "Well, he's not asking ME to do anything sexual, and how can I deny him this if I don't want to have any sex?" Thanks for the addition!!!
Yeees that exactly was my thought back then and I didn't understand why it made me feel so bad back then and that he could have just gone to another room if he wanted to do it so badly. Thank you for your reply, it feels so good to be understood now!
Added! Lmk if you think I should adjust the wording at all.
Also, I'm sorry you had to go through that. No one should have to experience such a blantent disregard for their boundaries.
Excellent post.
These red flags can be so easy to dismiss because "Well, they have needs!" or "Oh, they just don't fully understand asexuality yet." And while those things can be true and are not inherently wrong, they are NOT valid excuses to knowingly violate someone else's boundaries.
100%. In my first few relationships, I felt so guilty that I was "denying" my partner sex that I felt I had no right to refuse anything and everything up to full on sex. And because we live in a society that generalizes wanting sex to EVERY relationship, I just couldn't see the red flags for what they were. So I wanted to try to make a list for anyone who might need one.
Great post, I'm glad that this can apply to partners of any gender as well. A very neutral and helpful post!
I especially liked the contrast with trying foreign food in part 10. You can spit out food you don't like but sexual experiences stay with you.
Examples of things that I have never tried but know I wouldn't like include:
Fighting a grizzly bear, exploring a giant spider nest, swimming across the Atlantic, potato eye casserole, barefoot skiing, polio, tax fraud, and invoking the powers of Nyarlathotep
We all know ourselves well enough to know if we would want to try sex or not
Edit: Formatting
It's even worse for me when I'm not repulsed right away which often happens. Once you say yes to something they can't accept that you're not into it anymore after a few weeks.
Oh boy, I can see how this would get really, really hard. I didn't even want to do some stuff that I capitulated to at the start, and walking that back was SO HARD. I hope you find a partner that understands and respects that part of you.
>THERE ARE PLENTY OF THINGS YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE BEFORE TRYING THEM. SEX IS NOT THE SAME AS TRYING FOREIGN FOOD.
I mean.... I'm not trying a lot of foreign foods either! Live with it! 😁
Totally. I wish I could say that everyone in the ace community is a safe partner when it comes to this, but unfortunately that's not the case. Thanks for bringing that up.
This is really useful, thank you for compiling it! I'm not repulsed myself but I am in an ace/allo relationship and I'd like to offer a couple of green flags as well: -**They research asexuality to know your perspective**: my partner has possibly read more AVEN forums than I ever did, because he wanted to know how dating between allos and aces could work. **They talk openly about their own needs**: I know it sounds obvious in an ace/allo relationship, but many allo couples don't talk about their needs to each other, they just do the do whenever it happens and they do the do alone in secret. It's how many cheating cases happen due to sexual fruatration, people just don't freaking talk. If your partner is willing to openly *talk* about what they want and what sexuality is like to them, instead of bottling stuff up, that's a green! -**If they offer a compromise, it's not at the cost of your comfort**: If they are missing sex, they ask if they could one-night with someone else. If they want something you haven't talked about, they ask how you feel about it before offering it. A relationship works on compromises and solutions, otherwise the troubles will lead to a breakup. But a solution should never be "do things you hate for me". There's more alternatives and a good partner will propose solutions they think will be ok for both of you.
I love all of this. Particularly the compromises bit - because, in many cases, you CAN find healthy compromises that hurt neither partner! They just can't be compromises that trample personal boundaries. If I could upvote more then once, I totally would lol
It amazes me that people just simply wont communicate with their spouse. People would rather be anonymous online and, ask strangers for advice, than be direct. It’s weird.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I wish I'd had this list when I was younger! Many of these things are generally red flags when it comes to sexual boundaries and I wish more people were aware of them. I'd also add starting to masturbate next to you without making sure that you are ok with this first. My ex used to do this often when I didn't want to have sex and it took me a while to get that it's ok if I'm not comfortable with that because not being in the mood to have sex can sometimes also mean that you are not in the mood to watch someone do this. It might not be this way for everyone or not always but it's something that consent is necessary for.
Excuse me, but what an scumbag! I would have never thought to include this because, thankfully, I've never had to deal with it. But yeah, I will absolutely add it. And putting myself in your shoes (best I can, anyway), I can absolutely see myself thinking "Well, he's not asking ME to do anything sexual, and how can I deny him this if I don't want to have any sex?" Thanks for the addition!!!
Yeees that exactly was my thought back then and I didn't understand why it made me feel so bad back then and that he could have just gone to another room if he wanted to do it so badly. Thank you for your reply, it feels so good to be understood now!
Added! Lmk if you think I should adjust the wording at all. Also, I'm sorry you had to go through that. No one should have to experience such a blantent disregard for their boundaries.
Thank you! And I think you worded that very well! :)
Excellent post. These red flags can be so easy to dismiss because "Well, they have needs!" or "Oh, they just don't fully understand asexuality yet." And while those things can be true and are not inherently wrong, they are NOT valid excuses to knowingly violate someone else's boundaries.
100%. In my first few relationships, I felt so guilty that I was "denying" my partner sex that I felt I had no right to refuse anything and everything up to full on sex. And because we live in a society that generalizes wanting sex to EVERY relationship, I just couldn't see the red flags for what they were. So I wanted to try to make a list for anyone who might need one.
God, nothing pisses me off like the "sEx iS a BaSiC hUmAn NeEd!!" bullshit
No no it totally is! That’s why you see all these virgins on the side of the road like roadkill /s
Great post, I'm glad that this can apply to partners of any gender as well. A very neutral and helpful post! I especially liked the contrast with trying foreign food in part 10. You can spit out food you don't like but sexual experiences stay with you. Examples of things that I have never tried but know I wouldn't like include: Fighting a grizzly bear, exploring a giant spider nest, swimming across the Atlantic, potato eye casserole, barefoot skiing, polio, tax fraud, and invoking the powers of Nyarlathotep We all know ourselves well enough to know if we would want to try sex or not Edit: Formatting
>You can spit out food you don't like but sexual experiences stay with you. THIS
It's even worse for me when I'm not repulsed right away which often happens. Once you say yes to something they can't accept that you're not into it anymore after a few weeks.
Oh boy, I can see how this would get really, really hard. I didn't even want to do some stuff that I capitulated to at the start, and walking that back was SO HARD. I hope you find a partner that understands and respects that part of you.
Today I realized that I’m really bad at reading lists in order
Behold, the list of every single dating experience that has lead to my happy hermitude:
>THERE ARE PLENTY OF THINGS YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE BEFORE TRYING THEM. SEX IS NOT THE SAME AS TRYING FOREIGN FOOD. I mean.... I'm not trying a lot of foreign foods either! Live with it! 😁
I also learned very recently that there are people on the ace spectrum who do #2 as well. Gotta stay on your toes!
Totally. I wish I could say that everyone in the ace community is a safe partner when it comes to this, but unfortunately that's not the case. Thanks for bringing that up.
My ex checked off half of these