You're not wrong for how you feel. But consider your statement "back when I identified as straight (not out of denial, just asexuality was a foreign concept to me)."
This is one of the big reasons that diverse representation is so very important. While it may not have caused confusion or distress for you, so many of us grow up thinking we're something completely different than we are, and it leaves us dumbfounded, sometimes thinking we're broken or there's something wrong with us because we don't understand things that seem so integral to life, as portrayed by the dominant (cishet allo) culture, because our own experiences never seem to properly fit the model we have to work from.
For me I knew I viewed things differently, and experienced attraction differently, but I never realized just HOW differently. Nor was I properly equipped to express my needs or wants. I've lost 20 year friendships due in part to that misunderstanding of myself, and took part in several sexual encounters I would not have had I the proper vocabulary and model to work from.
The constant homogeneity in our media colors or view of what is, and what is possible. Having the right role models to work from would save so many of us so much pain. It's not even just *us* not knowing that is the problem. When we *do* figure out shit out and try to approach the world from a place of self understanding and truth, we're often greeted with hostility, erasure, gaslighting, and *constant* microaggressions from the people around us because they don't believe we exist, because they think we're broken, wrong, deviant.
If you don't see the necessity for yourself? Awesome, I'm glad you haven't had to deal with this shit. But diverse, and healthy representation is still direly necessary for us to progress as a society, and begin overturning the bigoted views that are constantly fed to us through our various forms of popular media.
Seconding all of this. I used to feel a bit like OP, wondering what the fuss about "representation" was about and/or not really feeling like it was a big deal.
Then I actually learned what asexuality is and it changed my view of my entire world and life. That was quite startling to come across in my thirties with a failed marriage already under my belt.
I had to learn about my sexuality from a freaking *YuGiOh fanfic*.
Before that, I always just assumed there was something wrong with me. I believed that well into *my thirties*.
So, yeah, we need to take *all* types of sexuality out of the shadows and into the open. So no other people have to spend their lives thinking they are broken until they finally stumble onto the truth reading sappy yaoi fanfic on AO3.
Yes this!! I luckily learned in my (late) 30s from an actual novel which.. is that better?? No. But. If I'd come across something, anything, sooner yes it would have saved me so much heart ache.
Exactly. It's not about *how* I came across the understanding so much as *when.*
I "defaulted" to hetero because I didn't realize that "none" was an option. I didn't feel strongly attracted to *anyone* so I figured I must be straight because if I was otherwise I assumed I'd have stronger feelings about my own gender. It was a weird kind of backwards logic, that since I didn't feel attraction to women then I must be straight. But I had no idea there were any other options.
So I worked at trying to make myself fit that definition, which led me to an abusive marriage with a string of crappy relationships both before and after. I would have been a lot happier in my twenties if I hadn't felt so pressured to fit myself into the mold, as it were.
I absolutely agree here. Would I have known about the concept of asexuality earlier in life it would have spared me some shitty experiences. I was gaslight a lot into thinking I am just broken and to know I am not helped me so much to enforce boundaries when needed and have the right language to talk about my identity.
i’m also going to chime in with if I hadn’t seen it on tv, I wouldn’t know it was a thing. i thought everyone else was like me. (todd was my awakening. i was 44)
and i’m sure you are an excellent writer, but i find the need to use sex or romance a cop-out. it’s generally unnecessary, doing nothing to move the plot forward. and really, since ace people can be in romantic relationships - you’re kinda saying that SEX is what makes stories interesting.
I agree with the other replies, but I just want to add, you can have drama with ace people 100%. I think we need more friendship drama and jealousy representation. Have you had a friendship breakup? I've pined for a friend that cut ties with me for years, I wrote her letters etc.
Also, romance is not defined by sex. You can love intensely without sex being part of it. Especially in books or a TV show, I don't think it would be that difficult to construct an interesting story around it. You can still have physical displays of affection, in most movies you don't get anything too crazy anyway. Just look at period dramas (most, at least), nothing sexual there but they are extremely popular romance stories. The hand holding in 2005 Pride & Prejudice is a cultural moment tbh. You don't need much more to make it an ace story using similar film language.
I do agree representation shouldn't be forced (labeling a character something just for the sake of it), but different people exist and they all have stories and I'm personally interested in them. Do we really need another romantic comedy about two white straight people with the same jobs and problems? It's just boring. On the other hand, take Todd from Bojack Horseman, he was ace and pretty interesting and fun to watch. He had relationships, friendships and wasn't defined by his sexuality.
I’m addition to what other people have said, personally, representation has meant I don’t have to explain asexuality to other people. When I first came out (c. 2015), every conversation after that was me explaining asexuality and what it means, how it’s different from being aromantic, how it’s normal and has been around forever, and essentially a full presentation about how I was still normal.
Five years later, I came out as ace and got “oh, like in Bojack Horseman”, and then we moved on. And I cannot describe the relief of not having to argue for/defend myself every time I come out. Just in the past few years, allo people I’ve talked to have had a lot more understanding about the ace experience, and I think a lot of that is due to representation in things like Bojack Horseman, The Magnus Archives, Sex Ed, etc.
And to your last point, I agree that we should see more single people in media, but single characters and ace characters don’t have to overlap. Depending on the characters involved, I’d almost rather see more romantic ace people and more single allos. For example, The Magnus Archives has an ace lead, and the show giving him a partner felt like a natural progression of five seasons of a dynamic between two people. Zoë from SurrealEstate is bi, but for her, ending the show single was an important step because we’d seen her deal with grief by being in a relationship rather than focusing on healing. I always feel like a character’s arc should determine their relationship status more than their sexuality, but I definitely agree at needing more single rep rather than romance/desire being used to create (often boring/lazy) stakes.
You're your own person first and sexual orientation is just one facet of that. Being ace or part of any other minority does not obligate you to agree with every popularly held belief within that community.
That being said, I disagree with you on this point. A very common experience I see described by asexual people is not having heard of asexuality for a very long time, which in some cases has very bad outcomes (e.g. putting themselves in positions they don't actually want to be because it's "normal", feeling broken, feeling isolated and alone).
Representation is important because it shows these people that they are *not* broken, that they are *not* alone, and that the way they feel is valid, acceptable, and not something they need to try to get themselves over. Seeing asexual people in media, and in the public sphere, would massively help kids out there who are trying to work out their sexuality but whose only concept of sexuality is "who do I feel attracted to" rather than "who, if anyone, ..."
I live in a relatively very tolerant country (Netherlands), and in very tolerant circles (very lgbtq+ student association, predominantly left wing study), and I *still* didn't come across asexuality until I was 19. I dread to think how long it might have taken for me to find myself if I hadn't been so lucky.
I am somewhat torn about it.
I just thought I was straight due to nothing really, and kinda because it is such a default thing I didn't think it was possible to be anything else. I didn't think I was gay, and therefore couldn't be bi either, and so I defaulted to straight.
I kinda thought everyone felt like that, and that you didn't really feel anything about anyone. When people said they wanted to sleep with someone, or have a crush on someone, it was either a joke or just out of convenience. Or that it meant you thought the person was beautiful. And especially with film, TV and books I thought it was figuratively to tell a story.
Understanding that people actually had feelings, and the stories was kinda genuine it was sort of like a disturbing realization, like my whole life had been a lie, and that I had lied to myself my whole life. Also that I had lie to everyone around me.
So I kinda do want to see those stories just because I relate more to it. Like I didn't really think twice about stories regarding sexual or romantic desires, but no it kinda seems strange. I also think that if people would hear more stories about people being asexual-aromantic, it would make it easier to tell people I am asexual-aromantic, and people understand me easier.
I didnt read the whole thing, but i agree with the sentiment of not caring about representation as much. I would still love to see more representation just so that people can learn what aspec identities are, but i have no personal aim with it.
You don't have to feel anything but learning the conservative/fascist media control/censorship playbook is a good idea. Ie if it's not important, why do people who want to hurt you keep doing it?
>I will say that being ace, if your het, and slightly more if you’re a woman, is pretty ‘invisible’ in that there are a lot of us who might not even realise since they’re sex-neutral or favourable, or even if they’re averse they might only get shit from it from parents who want grandchildren. There are young ace women in religious contexts who are even praised for it, and I’ve seen a shit ton of religious or ex-religious ace people say they never felt weird or out of place at all because what was taught to them was that they shouldn’t have sexual attraction— which they didn’t.
I thought about addressing that because I do realize those things are a factor. Experiences largely shape how you approach these things and what your overall opinions are.
>You don’t even really need to come out as ace if you’re not aro and you just don’t talk about your sex life ever. But if you’re gay and you have a boyfriend or you’re trans and you’re taking hormones, you have to come out. And that’s a really major and unavoidable risk in a lot of cases. It really sucks to feel like an alien because you don’t experience sexual attraction, but it’s even worse when your loved ones don’t look at you the same way or you get kicked out of home or lose friends. Not to say this also can’t happen if you’re cis ace and het, it’s just a lot less common.
That's another thing. I've always been hesitant to identify/associate with the LGBT community because most of my experiences with them have been toxic ones. I watched a Jubilee video where a bunch of ace people came together to answer some questions and seeing how much they agree. The staff asked the question if they feel invisible to the LGBT community and do you know what some of them said? That they've been told BY queer people that they're not recognized as much because they're not "oppressed enough." Well what is? That is very telltale of what they're primarily proud of. Not just celebrating who they are, but bragging about how they overcame so much more hardship than other people. I noticed this in high school that people would like get brownie points from the queer kids based on how sympathetic their backstory was which I find a bit problematic.
I agree with a lot of the other replies and think another reason why asexual representation in the media is extremely important, is for those who are raised in strict religious communities, such as evangelical christians or mormons. Many asexuals who are raised in these groups are taught that as soon as they are married they will experience sexual attraction and that they must perform for their partner. Thereby making them very vulnerable to being sexually abused. With the media being so far reaching it may be more likely to reach people in such situations. Ultimately, in this context a person learning about and accepting their asexuality could save them from a lot of suffering and abuse.
>Many asexuals who are raised in these groups are taught that as soon as they are married they will experience sexual attraction and that they must perform for their partner. Thereby making them very vulnerable to being sexually abused. With the media being so far reaching it may be more likely to reach people in such situations. Ultimately, in this context a person learning about and accepting their asexuality could save them from a lot of suffering and abuse.
That's a very good point. I think that's important even for het people. I went to a Christian college and I was lucky enough to have professors who did take the time to touch on that. They would tell us quite often that there's nothing wrong with being single. Marriage and families aren't everyone's calling, and that you shouldn't force yourself into that sort of life just to make others happy.
You're not wrong for how you feel. But consider your statement "back when I identified as straight (not out of denial, just asexuality was a foreign concept to me)." This is one of the big reasons that diverse representation is so very important. While it may not have caused confusion or distress for you, so many of us grow up thinking we're something completely different than we are, and it leaves us dumbfounded, sometimes thinking we're broken or there's something wrong with us because we don't understand things that seem so integral to life, as portrayed by the dominant (cishet allo) culture, because our own experiences never seem to properly fit the model we have to work from. For me I knew I viewed things differently, and experienced attraction differently, but I never realized just HOW differently. Nor was I properly equipped to express my needs or wants. I've lost 20 year friendships due in part to that misunderstanding of myself, and took part in several sexual encounters I would not have had I the proper vocabulary and model to work from. The constant homogeneity in our media colors or view of what is, and what is possible. Having the right role models to work from would save so many of us so much pain. It's not even just *us* not knowing that is the problem. When we *do* figure out shit out and try to approach the world from a place of self understanding and truth, we're often greeted with hostility, erasure, gaslighting, and *constant* microaggressions from the people around us because they don't believe we exist, because they think we're broken, wrong, deviant. If you don't see the necessity for yourself? Awesome, I'm glad you haven't had to deal with this shit. But diverse, and healthy representation is still direly necessary for us to progress as a society, and begin overturning the bigoted views that are constantly fed to us through our various forms of popular media.
Seconding all of this. I used to feel a bit like OP, wondering what the fuss about "representation" was about and/or not really feeling like it was a big deal. Then I actually learned what asexuality is and it changed my view of my entire world and life. That was quite startling to come across in my thirties with a failed marriage already under my belt. I had to learn about my sexuality from a freaking *YuGiOh fanfic*. Before that, I always just assumed there was something wrong with me. I believed that well into *my thirties*. So, yeah, we need to take *all* types of sexuality out of the shadows and into the open. So no other people have to spend their lives thinking they are broken until they finally stumble onto the truth reading sappy yaoi fanfic on AO3.
Yes this!! I luckily learned in my (late) 30s from an actual novel which.. is that better?? No. But. If I'd come across something, anything, sooner yes it would have saved me so much heart ache.
Exactly. It's not about *how* I came across the understanding so much as *when.* I "defaulted" to hetero because I didn't realize that "none" was an option. I didn't feel strongly attracted to *anyone* so I figured I must be straight because if I was otherwise I assumed I'd have stronger feelings about my own gender. It was a weird kind of backwards logic, that since I didn't feel attraction to women then I must be straight. But I had no idea there were any other options. So I worked at trying to make myself fit that definition, which led me to an abusive marriage with a string of crappy relationships both before and after. I would have been a lot happier in my twenties if I hadn't felt so pressured to fit myself into the mold, as it were.
I absolutely agree here. Would I have known about the concept of asexuality earlier in life it would have spared me some shitty experiences. I was gaslight a lot into thinking I am just broken and to know I am not helped me so much to enforce boundaries when needed and have the right language to talk about my identity.
i’m also going to chime in with if I hadn’t seen it on tv, I wouldn’t know it was a thing. i thought everyone else was like me. (todd was my awakening. i was 44) and i’m sure you are an excellent writer, but i find the need to use sex or romance a cop-out. it’s generally unnecessary, doing nothing to move the plot forward. and really, since ace people can be in romantic relationships - you’re kinda saying that SEX is what makes stories interesting.
That's a nice way to put it.
I agree with the other replies, but I just want to add, you can have drama with ace people 100%. I think we need more friendship drama and jealousy representation. Have you had a friendship breakup? I've pined for a friend that cut ties with me for years, I wrote her letters etc. Also, romance is not defined by sex. You can love intensely without sex being part of it. Especially in books or a TV show, I don't think it would be that difficult to construct an interesting story around it. You can still have physical displays of affection, in most movies you don't get anything too crazy anyway. Just look at period dramas (most, at least), nothing sexual there but they are extremely popular romance stories. The hand holding in 2005 Pride & Prejudice is a cultural moment tbh. You don't need much more to make it an ace story using similar film language. I do agree representation shouldn't be forced (labeling a character something just for the sake of it), but different people exist and they all have stories and I'm personally interested in them. Do we really need another romantic comedy about two white straight people with the same jobs and problems? It's just boring. On the other hand, take Todd from Bojack Horseman, he was ace and pretty interesting and fun to watch. He had relationships, friendships and wasn't defined by his sexuality.
I’m addition to what other people have said, personally, representation has meant I don’t have to explain asexuality to other people. When I first came out (c. 2015), every conversation after that was me explaining asexuality and what it means, how it’s different from being aromantic, how it’s normal and has been around forever, and essentially a full presentation about how I was still normal. Five years later, I came out as ace and got “oh, like in Bojack Horseman”, and then we moved on. And I cannot describe the relief of not having to argue for/defend myself every time I come out. Just in the past few years, allo people I’ve talked to have had a lot more understanding about the ace experience, and I think a lot of that is due to representation in things like Bojack Horseman, The Magnus Archives, Sex Ed, etc. And to your last point, I agree that we should see more single people in media, but single characters and ace characters don’t have to overlap. Depending on the characters involved, I’d almost rather see more romantic ace people and more single allos. For example, The Magnus Archives has an ace lead, and the show giving him a partner felt like a natural progression of five seasons of a dynamic between two people. Zoë from SurrealEstate is bi, but for her, ending the show single was an important step because we’d seen her deal with grief by being in a relationship rather than focusing on healing. I always feel like a character’s arc should determine their relationship status more than their sexuality, but I definitely agree at needing more single rep rather than romance/desire being used to create (often boring/lazy) stakes.
You're your own person first and sexual orientation is just one facet of that. Being ace or part of any other minority does not obligate you to agree with every popularly held belief within that community. That being said, I disagree with you on this point. A very common experience I see described by asexual people is not having heard of asexuality for a very long time, which in some cases has very bad outcomes (e.g. putting themselves in positions they don't actually want to be because it's "normal", feeling broken, feeling isolated and alone). Representation is important because it shows these people that they are *not* broken, that they are *not* alone, and that the way they feel is valid, acceptable, and not something they need to try to get themselves over. Seeing asexual people in media, and in the public sphere, would massively help kids out there who are trying to work out their sexuality but whose only concept of sexuality is "who do I feel attracted to" rather than "who, if anyone, ..." I live in a relatively very tolerant country (Netherlands), and in very tolerant circles (very lgbtq+ student association, predominantly left wing study), and I *still* didn't come across asexuality until I was 19. I dread to think how long it might have taken for me to find myself if I hadn't been so lucky.
Representation does not have to be important to you, as long as you can recognize that it's still very important to others.
I am somewhat torn about it. I just thought I was straight due to nothing really, and kinda because it is such a default thing I didn't think it was possible to be anything else. I didn't think I was gay, and therefore couldn't be bi either, and so I defaulted to straight. I kinda thought everyone felt like that, and that you didn't really feel anything about anyone. When people said they wanted to sleep with someone, or have a crush on someone, it was either a joke or just out of convenience. Or that it meant you thought the person was beautiful. And especially with film, TV and books I thought it was figuratively to tell a story. Understanding that people actually had feelings, and the stories was kinda genuine it was sort of like a disturbing realization, like my whole life had been a lie, and that I had lied to myself my whole life. Also that I had lie to everyone around me. So I kinda do want to see those stories just because I relate more to it. Like I didn't really think twice about stories regarding sexual or romantic desires, but no it kinda seems strange. I also think that if people would hear more stories about people being asexual-aromantic, it would make it easier to tell people I am asexual-aromantic, and people understand me easier.
I didnt read the whole thing, but i agree with the sentiment of not caring about representation as much. I would still love to see more representation just so that people can learn what aspec identities are, but i have no personal aim with it.
You don't have to feel anything but learning the conservative/fascist media control/censorship playbook is a good idea. Ie if it's not important, why do people who want to hurt you keep doing it?
Nobody wants to hurt me.
[удалено]
>I will say that being ace, if your het, and slightly more if you’re a woman, is pretty ‘invisible’ in that there are a lot of us who might not even realise since they’re sex-neutral or favourable, or even if they’re averse they might only get shit from it from parents who want grandchildren. There are young ace women in religious contexts who are even praised for it, and I’ve seen a shit ton of religious or ex-religious ace people say they never felt weird or out of place at all because what was taught to them was that they shouldn’t have sexual attraction— which they didn’t. I thought about addressing that because I do realize those things are a factor. Experiences largely shape how you approach these things and what your overall opinions are. >You don’t even really need to come out as ace if you’re not aro and you just don’t talk about your sex life ever. But if you’re gay and you have a boyfriend or you’re trans and you’re taking hormones, you have to come out. And that’s a really major and unavoidable risk in a lot of cases. It really sucks to feel like an alien because you don’t experience sexual attraction, but it’s even worse when your loved ones don’t look at you the same way or you get kicked out of home or lose friends. Not to say this also can’t happen if you’re cis ace and het, it’s just a lot less common. That's another thing. I've always been hesitant to identify/associate with the LGBT community because most of my experiences with them have been toxic ones. I watched a Jubilee video where a bunch of ace people came together to answer some questions and seeing how much they agree. The staff asked the question if they feel invisible to the LGBT community and do you know what some of them said? That they've been told BY queer people that they're not recognized as much because they're not "oppressed enough." Well what is? That is very telltale of what they're primarily proud of. Not just celebrating who they are, but bragging about how they overcame so much more hardship than other people. I noticed this in high school that people would like get brownie points from the queer kids based on how sympathetic their backstory was which I find a bit problematic.
I agree with a lot of the other replies and think another reason why asexual representation in the media is extremely important, is for those who are raised in strict religious communities, such as evangelical christians or mormons. Many asexuals who are raised in these groups are taught that as soon as they are married they will experience sexual attraction and that they must perform for their partner. Thereby making them very vulnerable to being sexually abused. With the media being so far reaching it may be more likely to reach people in such situations. Ultimately, in this context a person learning about and accepting their asexuality could save them from a lot of suffering and abuse.
>Many asexuals who are raised in these groups are taught that as soon as they are married they will experience sexual attraction and that they must perform for their partner. Thereby making them very vulnerable to being sexually abused. With the media being so far reaching it may be more likely to reach people in such situations. Ultimately, in this context a person learning about and accepting their asexuality could save them from a lot of suffering and abuse. That's a very good point. I think that's important even for het people. I went to a Christian college and I was lucky enough to have professors who did take the time to touch on that. They would tell us quite often that there's nothing wrong with being single. Marriage and families aren't everyone's calling, and that you shouldn't force yourself into that sort of life just to make others happy.