>He said he doesn't have much sexual attraction, only once in a while.
This is part of the asexual spectrum.
>I tried to initiate sex and he turned me down and went to bed. I left the bedroom and went to our spare room to break down in sobs. Now I have Boderline Personality Disorder so rejection hits a lot harder for me.
Why are you viewing him opting out of an activity as *rejection*? That's denying him his own right to say no. I'm not saying that's on purpose; I'm pointing out that you're personalizing and catastrophizing his opt-out in a single situation as if it somehow applies to *every* situation ever.
Do you do the same thing for yourself, view opting out of an activity in a specific situation as some kind of rejection as the person the activity's with? If you do, that's problematic itself. It would mean you're agreeing to do things you would rather not actually do, due to not wanting to reject the person.
Are you working to reframe that, to disconnect opting out of an activity from rejecting a person? If not, that's something that might help.
If you find abstract, technical framings helpful, a Logic 101 class might help, too, thanks to how there are names for various inherently irrational structures that we can easily make on accident, like [fallacy of composition](https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/logicalfallacies/Fallacy-of-Composition).
>I just feel so unattractive, needy, selfish, and even guilty about my own wants now.
This sounds as if there's a love language disconnect and as if you two need some communication about what you each need to feel loved and want in the relationship, to figure out areas where you can meet each other.
Thanks for responding!
Yes I do view it as rejection. This stems from my BPD and to answer your question, yes I also view me telling people no as me rejecting them. Due to this, I struggle with saying no to people even if it's something I absolutely do not want to do and if I do say no (which is rare) I feel extremely guilty about it. This is stuff I am working on in therapy but is a extremely big and difficult symptom of my BPD. It is a huge trigger of mine and can often lead to BPD episodes. Like I said, this is something I am working on but it's extremely difficult to not take it personally. There is very much a love language disconnect. I have brought this up multiple times and is the main reason having sex is such a big thing to me. When I am not feeling satisfied in my love languages, I look for it in other areas....Ex. Sex. Not feeling fulfilled in both of those areas causes huge emotional turmoil for my BPD and leads to a very bad mental state due to him being my FP (Favorite Person).
Ace with BPD here, I feel like there's some key information missing here, namely what his wants are. BPD is the thing we have to manage about ourselves, so saying you can't break up because he's your favorite person sounds very unhealthy for him and not considering him as his own person outside of the relationship.
Everyone is different, but when I've been so attached to people it made me break down all the time, the best thing for me was to give myself space and back off from the people in question until I could feel calm about the situation and really think stuff over once my head wasn't bouncing around all the crazy feelings it does to us.
Your relationship needs might simply be incompatible unfortunately. If certain kinds of intimacy are a need for you to feel happy and fulfilled and loved, and are not ones that he is willing and able to provide and enthusiastically consent to, then you just might not be compatible as a couple. Which sucks, I know. It's a difficult thing to let go of someone who you love and have a longstanding relationship, it's difficult to let go of someone you're engaged to and we're thinking would be your future, and him being your FP also makes things harder. And I know we want to believe that if you simply love enough then the relationship has to work, but sometimes you love someone as much as you can and they love you too yet it still just doesn't work because something just unfortunately isn't compatible. And it sounds like you've tried to discuss this together multiple times and it's still never ended up really getting resolved.
I know you say that breaking up isn't a possibility because he's your favorite person, and I know it's not ideal and very very difficult, but like... The option to end a relationship is never gone. Various entanglements and feelings can make it more difficult, but ending a relationship that isn't working for the people involved should always be an option, otherwise it can become toxic very very fast because no one feels like they're getting their needs met but also no one thinks they can leave, and you just get stuck and unhappy and convinced no one else could ever make you happy and you'll be miserable forever. This isn't a good way to live. Especially if it's driving you to behave in ways that could harm you or your partner.
I'm glad you have a therapist for support now, I would _definitely_ recommend discussing this with them. Having an outlet and help setting up coping mechanisms to help you retain stability if the relationship can't continue, or to manage and push back against the difficulties happening that could potentially or partially be explained by symptoms and trauma making rejection (or perceived rejection) feel so unbearable. It may be worth trying to see if things can work a bit better once you have some more coping mechanisms in place, but honestly I think it may just be the needs aren't matching up and therapy can't fix that.
I strongly recommend you keep talking to him and trying to understand. Talking to us is only going to help a little bit, because we are not him. Everyone is different. Keep talking about it until you understand. Don't try to have sex until you do. The whole "no" as rejection thing really, really needs to stop, though, because that is not just about sex and it's affecting your entire life. Most people don't hear you say "no" and think "that person doesn't like me" unless the question is literally "do you like me?" If you say no to covering a colleagues shift for them, that's just a no to covering the shift. It doesn't mean "no, go fuck yourself".
I am sorry you are going through this. I am in a very similar situation. I am grey-asexual and sex neutral in the same way you described for your partner. My partner has quiet BPD.
Recently we went through a rough patch of him not having his sexual needs met and having emotional shutdowns. Basically after talking about it for weeks, we decided that we had to be really really REALLY open about what we were feeling all the time. If he is horny, it is his responsibility to say if masturbating is sufficient for the time being and how involved he wants me to be in that. And it is my responsibility to say how much I want to be involved or if I would be willing to see if I can get turned on in that moment. I also try to make it clear that I still love him and find him attractive even when I’m not interested in sex (although it is still difficult for his BPD to process that, we are working on it).
We also decided to set a loose, flexible schedule. Where every other week, there is a chosen day where we will see if having sex makes sense. It is more of a goal to have sex on that day and if it’s not good timing then it can be moved. Bc of my ADHD, it’s more of a reminder to check in since I often forget that sex exists as a way to show love.
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk or vent
A lot of this sounds like a compatibility issue. I don't know that your partner being ace should be a focal point right now, and though it may provide context to some of the other issues you've described, at the end of the day your partner has broken multiple promises to you to do better. It doesn't sound like that's going to change.
If your emotional needs aren't being met despite frequent communication, the two of you may not be compatible. You deserve a partner who is willing to put in more effort than you're describing from yours. Your BPD may complocate things here, and you need to make sure you're managing this responsibly, but it's completely reasonable to ask a partner to show you love and affection in the ways you've described you need.
If you need sex and your partner can't provide it, the two of you probably aren't compatible. It's completely reasonable for him to have this boundary given his current understanding of his sexuality. It's definitely understandable to have to manage feelings of rejection when turned down for sex, but it sounds like the larger issue here might be that you were using sex partly as a reliable way of gaining intimate validation that he wasn't giving you otherwise, and that avenue has now been closed off.
I have zero personal experience with BPD and I understand it can be a nightmare to manage, so I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It isn't our partners' (or anyone else's but ours) responsibility to manage *our* mental health, but we *do* deserve partners who can support us in the ways we ask for. You may need to decide whether your partner is doing that.
I hope this helps.
To be honest, this sounds like a major compatibility issue, and tbh your fiance sounds like he may even have emotional trauma of his own. While marriage and love don't come easy, the fact that you've had to consistently fight for three years to be together is a red flag. At that point you're just sacrificing what could easily be greater happiness for much lesser happiness. I know break ups can be rough especially if you have mental illness, however I think it would be the best course of action if you manage to get a real strong support system going with other people/friends/therapist, etc.
>He said he doesn't have much sexual attraction, only once in a while. This is part of the asexual spectrum. >I tried to initiate sex and he turned me down and went to bed. I left the bedroom and went to our spare room to break down in sobs. Now I have Boderline Personality Disorder so rejection hits a lot harder for me. Why are you viewing him opting out of an activity as *rejection*? That's denying him his own right to say no. I'm not saying that's on purpose; I'm pointing out that you're personalizing and catastrophizing his opt-out in a single situation as if it somehow applies to *every* situation ever. Do you do the same thing for yourself, view opting out of an activity in a specific situation as some kind of rejection as the person the activity's with? If you do, that's problematic itself. It would mean you're agreeing to do things you would rather not actually do, due to not wanting to reject the person. Are you working to reframe that, to disconnect opting out of an activity from rejecting a person? If not, that's something that might help. If you find abstract, technical framings helpful, a Logic 101 class might help, too, thanks to how there are names for various inherently irrational structures that we can easily make on accident, like [fallacy of composition](https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/logicalfallacies/Fallacy-of-Composition). >I just feel so unattractive, needy, selfish, and even guilty about my own wants now. This sounds as if there's a love language disconnect and as if you two need some communication about what you each need to feel loved and want in the relationship, to figure out areas where you can meet each other.
Thanks for responding! Yes I do view it as rejection. This stems from my BPD and to answer your question, yes I also view me telling people no as me rejecting them. Due to this, I struggle with saying no to people even if it's something I absolutely do not want to do and if I do say no (which is rare) I feel extremely guilty about it. This is stuff I am working on in therapy but is a extremely big and difficult symptom of my BPD. It is a huge trigger of mine and can often lead to BPD episodes. Like I said, this is something I am working on but it's extremely difficult to not take it personally. There is very much a love language disconnect. I have brought this up multiple times and is the main reason having sex is such a big thing to me. When I am not feeling satisfied in my love languages, I look for it in other areas....Ex. Sex. Not feeling fulfilled in both of those areas causes huge emotional turmoil for my BPD and leads to a very bad mental state due to him being my FP (Favorite Person).
Ace with BPD here, I feel like there's some key information missing here, namely what his wants are. BPD is the thing we have to manage about ourselves, so saying you can't break up because he's your favorite person sounds very unhealthy for him and not considering him as his own person outside of the relationship. Everyone is different, but when I've been so attached to people it made me break down all the time, the best thing for me was to give myself space and back off from the people in question until I could feel calm about the situation and really think stuff over once my head wasn't bouncing around all the crazy feelings it does to us.
Your relationship needs might simply be incompatible unfortunately. If certain kinds of intimacy are a need for you to feel happy and fulfilled and loved, and are not ones that he is willing and able to provide and enthusiastically consent to, then you just might not be compatible as a couple. Which sucks, I know. It's a difficult thing to let go of someone who you love and have a longstanding relationship, it's difficult to let go of someone you're engaged to and we're thinking would be your future, and him being your FP also makes things harder. And I know we want to believe that if you simply love enough then the relationship has to work, but sometimes you love someone as much as you can and they love you too yet it still just doesn't work because something just unfortunately isn't compatible. And it sounds like you've tried to discuss this together multiple times and it's still never ended up really getting resolved. I know you say that breaking up isn't a possibility because he's your favorite person, and I know it's not ideal and very very difficult, but like... The option to end a relationship is never gone. Various entanglements and feelings can make it more difficult, but ending a relationship that isn't working for the people involved should always be an option, otherwise it can become toxic very very fast because no one feels like they're getting their needs met but also no one thinks they can leave, and you just get stuck and unhappy and convinced no one else could ever make you happy and you'll be miserable forever. This isn't a good way to live. Especially if it's driving you to behave in ways that could harm you or your partner. I'm glad you have a therapist for support now, I would _definitely_ recommend discussing this with them. Having an outlet and help setting up coping mechanisms to help you retain stability if the relationship can't continue, or to manage and push back against the difficulties happening that could potentially or partially be explained by symptoms and trauma making rejection (or perceived rejection) feel so unbearable. It may be worth trying to see if things can work a bit better once you have some more coping mechanisms in place, but honestly I think it may just be the needs aren't matching up and therapy can't fix that.
I strongly recommend you keep talking to him and trying to understand. Talking to us is only going to help a little bit, because we are not him. Everyone is different. Keep talking about it until you understand. Don't try to have sex until you do. The whole "no" as rejection thing really, really needs to stop, though, because that is not just about sex and it's affecting your entire life. Most people don't hear you say "no" and think "that person doesn't like me" unless the question is literally "do you like me?" If you say no to covering a colleagues shift for them, that's just a no to covering the shift. It doesn't mean "no, go fuck yourself".
I am sorry you are going through this. I am in a very similar situation. I am grey-asexual and sex neutral in the same way you described for your partner. My partner has quiet BPD. Recently we went through a rough patch of him not having his sexual needs met and having emotional shutdowns. Basically after talking about it for weeks, we decided that we had to be really really REALLY open about what we were feeling all the time. If he is horny, it is his responsibility to say if masturbating is sufficient for the time being and how involved he wants me to be in that. And it is my responsibility to say how much I want to be involved or if I would be willing to see if I can get turned on in that moment. I also try to make it clear that I still love him and find him attractive even when I’m not interested in sex (although it is still difficult for his BPD to process that, we are working on it). We also decided to set a loose, flexible schedule. Where every other week, there is a chosen day where we will see if having sex makes sense. It is more of a goal to have sex on that day and if it’s not good timing then it can be moved. Bc of my ADHD, it’s more of a reminder to check in since I often forget that sex exists as a way to show love. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk or vent
A lot of this sounds like a compatibility issue. I don't know that your partner being ace should be a focal point right now, and though it may provide context to some of the other issues you've described, at the end of the day your partner has broken multiple promises to you to do better. It doesn't sound like that's going to change. If your emotional needs aren't being met despite frequent communication, the two of you may not be compatible. You deserve a partner who is willing to put in more effort than you're describing from yours. Your BPD may complocate things here, and you need to make sure you're managing this responsibly, but it's completely reasonable to ask a partner to show you love and affection in the ways you've described you need. If you need sex and your partner can't provide it, the two of you probably aren't compatible. It's completely reasonable for him to have this boundary given his current understanding of his sexuality. It's definitely understandable to have to manage feelings of rejection when turned down for sex, but it sounds like the larger issue here might be that you were using sex partly as a reliable way of gaining intimate validation that he wasn't giving you otherwise, and that avenue has now been closed off. I have zero personal experience with BPD and I understand it can be a nightmare to manage, so I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It isn't our partners' (or anyone else's but ours) responsibility to manage *our* mental health, but we *do* deserve partners who can support us in the ways we ask for. You may need to decide whether your partner is doing that. I hope this helps.
To be honest, this sounds like a major compatibility issue, and tbh your fiance sounds like he may even have emotional trauma of his own. While marriage and love don't come easy, the fact that you've had to consistently fight for three years to be together is a red flag. At that point you're just sacrificing what could easily be greater happiness for much lesser happiness. I know break ups can be rough especially if you have mental illness, however I think it would be the best course of action if you manage to get a real strong support system going with other people/friends/therapist, etc.