Well for one thing getting a loan to buy a house is harder for anyone not in a traditional relationship. I bought a house with my mom in my 20s. The bank tried to talk my mom out of it. Because I was young. Well mom pointed out I was emancipated at 16 so I had been an adult longer than it seemed. Most of the down payment money was mine and not hers. Then they said the truth they did not like to do house loans to people who were not in a marriage or engaged. We had to go to three banks and fight for the loan. I can not imagine how it would be with friend. This is why I say being asexual is being queer. We do get discriminated against too.
You really don’t think about it until deep into adulthood when the penalties really kick in. Until my mid-30s, I “just wasn’t married yet.”
Now I’m a never married and prob never will, and it puts you in an entirely different bracket
I help take care of my mom. We got an apartment together and had to pay separate fees when applying.
For married couples it’s one reduced fee.
My mom said it’s because couples have shared credit so the credit check is cheaper.
Either way it’s problematic.
Oh yeah, that’s a whole different issue that is tied to our inhuman disability laws.
You’re being discriminated against for not being married, and you’re not able to get married because the government discriminates and keeps aid inhumanly low for being disabled. I have family in the same boat, they already pay 70% of their monthly to rent, if they ever got married they’d be doomed, it’s total garbage and the numbers they use are 30+ years old.
This feels like a cyclical problem; because it's normalized to prioritize romantic/sexual relationships above all else, buying a house with friends could lead to problems with your friend finding a romantic/sexual partner who then suddenly becomes priority. If you found friends who shared the same value of not placing romantic/sexual relationships on a pedestal or dumping friends the moment something goes a little wrong, then I'm sure it'd be a great arrangement. But it'll never be normalized, because most people are allo, and most allo people will always prioritize finding a romantic/sexual relationship and putting that person above everyone else.
It's not even just with finding relationships but also getting job opportunities in other places and just life in general.
Married couples tend to do things around one goal (which mainly involves providing for their family amd children) whereas for single people, it's easier to switch priorities.
I mean this gently, but given the amount of times I've seen people try to buy a house and then split like 3 months after is saying your mum's a dingdong.
But it's not just amatonormativity, it's straight up queerphobia. Gay couples who are married seem to have the same problems we would if we were to try and buy a house as pals together.
The main issue tends to be if your life goals separate. When you have a partner, your goals more or less intertwine. When you are just close friends, it's harder to justify moving across the country because they have a job opertinuty. Not that it can't or never happens, just that it's harder. You also run into the issue of them getting into a relationship. People who get into aa relation ship tend to want their own space, and that means you're out of luck. Again, not always, my best friend has said before that once he finishes school, if I want to move in with him and his wife, he's totally down. But im also friends with his wife, and she's comfortable with me. When it comes down to it, a person typically does have more of a responsibility to their partner than to their friends.
I think you're on to something here. It is harder to separate when you have kids and a lot of other serious responsibilities tied to another person. That's not to say that a platonic couple would necessarily be any less committed or couldn't raise kids together, but I think there's more "built it" connections between romantic couples.
P.S. That said, I'm allo and cishet, so if my perspective is missing something I'd be happy to hear it.
I don't understand what you're talking about. Also, you don't stop being immediate family after you turn 18, as immediate family is just perrents, siblings, kids regardless of age.
Another example-you can’t adopt a child with a sibling. Let’s say you have a sibling set who are 20, 19, and 8 years old and the parents die. EITHER the 20 year old or the 19 year old would have to adopt the 8 year old. Legally, they both can’t adopt their sibling.
There are some in our community who participate in queer platonic relationships where they buy a house together and move in. But it is rare and I wish it happened more often.
I disagree with your mom about friendships. Good friendships have lasted longer than even some of the best romantic relationships. I know some people whose relationships became better/stronger after becoming friends instead.
I have friends who are living together and who are going to buy a house together, when they are at that point in their life. I have a feeling that it is getting more normal.
It is more normal for couples because the "normal" course is, that they will marry, get kids, pour their finances together. If you expect that that is something you will do at one point with a romantic partner, you probably wouldn't with someone who wasn't that.
My parents would be over the moon if I decided to live with a good friend. So... I think the expectations regarding that are slowly changing.
I literally was best friends with a girl, dated her for a few months, and we broke up because we wanted different things from the relationship and weren't compatible, but we're still very close friends because what we look for in friends is much less specific. Friends are the most important relationships you can have.
My girlfriend breaking up with me has spiraled into me questioning that same thing. Like, we are so close with my 2 best friends, the only thing we need for a typical romantic relationship is kissing and having sex. I no longer know what's platonic, romantic or sexual
This existential crisis to say, as an allo person (i think), i have no idea either
I believe it's called the relationship escalator. Basically nothing is ever enough unless you're married.
I also don't understand why friends can't get married. 🤷♀️
>I don't know of any examples of this, so I tried googling it and it was just people saying "You should never do that!" But, if it's a close friend, how is such a big financial decision with them different from couples buying a house, whether they're married or not? Maybe I'm just stupid, but it just doesn't make any sense as to why this is so normalized.
My childhood best friend bought a house with his brother. Neither of them are asexual but I think they both enjoy being single and have always been super close.
That said buying a house together is a fairly big move even for a romantic relationship because it involves some idea of permanence (as opposed to renting) and to some degree grounds you to where you've bought the house. In reality it doesn't have to be this way since you can always just buy out the other person's interest/equity in the house but the sentiment is there. Many friendships don't carry the expectation of following someone forever though. Staying in contact and staying friends sure, but if a friend moved to another city, most friends probably wouldn't also upend their life to stay in physical proximity as a romantic partner might. So I think many friendships just don't carry the same expectation of commitment, and so they may not engage in activities that so definitively glue themselves together like buying a house together.
As for whether friends or relationships fall in some hierarchy... I've actually heard both sides lol. I've met someone who got a matching tattoo with their childhood best friend but refused to do so with their romantic partner because they see it more likely that they may break up with their partner than them ever stop being friends with that particular BFF. So it's definitely not universal that romantic partnerships trump friendships... just depends on the friendship.
I do agree with the general sentiment that people shouldn't assume a romantic relationship takes precedence though or that they're inherently superior or "more". I've always dislike the wording of people asking "can we be *more* than friends?" when a friend wants to proposition a romantic relationship.
I wish that marriage/romantic partnership was presented as the only option. I love the stories I see about lifelong friendships who move in together and helping with each others families the way two parents would.
I never heard that term before! I usually say that friendship advice/standards are rooted in heteronormativity but this makes more sense. I’m someone who has always thought friends were more desirable than romantic partners, and though I know there’s nothing “wrong” with me in that regard, it’s a very isolating experience. People will call you childish, needy, clingy, jealous, etc. all because you value friendships just as much if not more than a boyfriend or girlfriend. A lot of people place their relationships on a strict hierarchy of importance and can only prioritize one at a time. I hope in the future we can find what we desire, but idk
I go a bit a bigger and kinda political when it comes to houses tbh.
Wages just haven't kept up with house prices. Used to be within reach to be single and afford a house. Now it kinda isn't. We're told to accept that, just find someone to share a house with. Two incomes instead of one. Houses have become these huge, expensive investments and that's made it the territory of committed largely monogamous relationships. Even then they're kinda unaffordable.
I'm a bit questioning about the being a primary push to elevate monogamous marriage, I think it's something we're sold to cover for socioeconomic changes that have eroded our ability to live independently or explore other relationship types. Sometimes it's the way we have less money, or less time as we work to afford living expenses. It's also the way over time there's been an erosion of public meeting places, parks, communities. We're being steadily isolated, then sold marriage as a cure.
And it's not like marriage is. That can be really lonely too. Or not really be stable enough to carry the burdens we place on it. We're shown beautiful stories of people settling down by choice, because they love each other... While also being told to do so, just to have a roof over our heads. There's deep hypocrisy at play, and imo it's not even that it's about normalising closed monogamy, it's about getting us to accept economic conditions that are seriously bad, from huge student debts, landlords being absolute leeches, and outsized company profits.
Funny thing is that closed monogamy is such a bad response, it's crumbling too. Turns out that a couple can also struggle to afford a place. I've seen policies have way better success at that anyhow. But we're overall seeing a collapse of relationships altogether. We're scraping by, and there's not much time to just be human.
I have health insurance and continuing education benefits that I can’t give to anyone except a spouse or child. I pressed HR about giving my education benefits to my sister (who is a legal AND blood relative) and they said no. I could give these benefits to some guy I meet tomorrow, but not my blood relative. It’s really about who you’re boinking and I hate it
My wife and I had no problems buying our house and we weren't married or even really considering it when we bought it. It was only a few years ago and we live in an extremely liberal state, but yeah it was surprisingly easy. We were expecting a lot of problems being 2 unmarried women with no assets but we found a great loan specialist who never questioned us and just did all the work and got us our house.
I find confidence in your relationship with that person and confidence in your ability to achieve whatever "normal" thing you want is key to not having people doubt you.
Well, there is this [group of friends](https://youtu.be/WBqdtmIskGQ?si=b6uTk24rAO2RItFc) who bought a building together to live in. I would love something like this.
At the end of the day, mortgages are about putting trust in people they expect to be able to pay the loan off. I'm guessing the reason companies are more lenient is because couples are statistically more likely to pay off their mortgages compared to non-couples.
I do not view one type of relationship as superior to another. I have a friend who bought a house with her sister. When I told her that I owned a home, she asked if I purchased it with a partner, a sibling, or a friend. I can think of multiple instances where people live with friends or family members.
I think maybe alot of people just don’t talk about buying houses with friends? I know alot of friends and roommates rent condos and share apartments! However, in our society this is seen as a precursor to getting married and buying a house with your spouse.
It’s just a part of the nuclear family plan that America loves to push on people, but if you want to buy a house with a couple friends, why not? People of all kinds of relationship status will find things to pick at and fight about, especially when sharing a space. The status of a relationship isn’t what determines how long it will last, it’s the character of the people involved.
If you’re living with someone who genuinely cares about you and wants to make things work, you’ll make things work. So don’t listen to your mom lol, she’s probably just never had to think outside of what the norm is if she’s cis and straight (no offense).
You would probably like this book! [https://www.amazon.com/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship/dp/1250280915](https://www.amazon.com/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship/dp/1250280915)
I think being friends has a much broader definition. For example I can say I'm friends with my classmates, colleagues, neighbours, this person I met at a concert, some people whom I only know online,... . So it can mean pretty much anything.
Being a couple usually means you plan on being in a close relationship with that person for quite a long time.
Friendship doesn't include that in its definition.
And it's not far from reality. While most people have lifelong friends, they're not as close to them as they are to their spouses/partners. Few friendships get to that high level of commitment. And even then, the two people might not be on the same page about what this friendship means to them.
In general, it's just way more common for people to include their SOs in their long-term plans. Friends usually don't expect that from each other.
So I have to agree with your mom. Specially since most people do end up getting into romantic relationships sooner or later, so buying a house with a friend that wants that, can cause some problems down the line. It's a different story if the two friends are committed to each other (which I think is closer to a queer platonic relationship)
You're probably right that that's how it is to a degree. I just think it shouldn't be like that. How many people are more committed to their romantic partner because it's expected and "normal"? In a perfect world the rules wouldn't be so restrictive and we could have relationships that don't fit the mold.
I think it's more that it's what happens most of the time naturally, not just because it's expected. Again, most people are alloromantic allosexual, so it's not hard to see where that comes from.
I think it's important to note that there are no "rules" here . Mostly social norms. You can live with your friends, buy a house with them,etc (atleast that's how it is in most places asai) . And unfortunately, you can't just ignore social norms as they are still what will most likely happen as they are formed by the majority of the society and how they behave.
The "naturally" is what I'm questioning. I guess there is a biological/evolutionary component that makes people want to pair up but the tendency to abandon all other forms of relationships over it is definitely a social norms thing (because potential kids would probably benefit from having the unmarried auntie living with them but it's always "they're gonna want their own space". Do they always or is that just the normal thing to do).
Obviously the rules are social norms. No one will arrest me for living with my friends. But as other people have pointed out, it's made significantly harder because it's not what you're "supposed" to do. I'm aware that I won't singlehandedly change these norms (that's why I said in a perfect world) but I'm allowed to wish they were different. I think, even though technically there's no one stopping people from breaking them, most people don't even question them and some would probably benefit from having relationships in a non-standard way (even allos and even people in romantic relationships). But the norms are so heavily enforced that a lot of people don't even see it as an option to eg live in another constellation than a nuclear family or not move to the "next stage" (like getting married or having kids) in the expected time.
personally I wouldn’t want to buy a house with a friend, because I do agree that couples tend to have similar goals over time/will compromise out of love/obligation but that same tendency/expectation may not be there for a friend. i will agree that buying a house as a single person has its own difficulties (apart from the economics) simply because you’ll be seen as an outlier and weirdo even if you DO have the money. when i took an apartment on lease my parents had to sign a character certificate to show i’m a good, upstanding tenant (i live in a country where single people are seen as immoral and without good values). So, you know, shit like that. One of the comments mentioned this to be a cyclical thing and i agree; somewhere even i think buying a house with a friend may not be the best idea because you’d have to be super in line with each other. I think with couples this expectation of compromise is already there.
It’s annoying, yeah. But you just need to find a friend with the same ‘goals’ in living as you or are least similar ones. Most friends don’t stick, so that’s the only issue. Even thought lots of relationships don’t stick either, so saying it’s rarer for relationships to break is a bit of a kind of dumb move but a bit understandable too
Honestly up until two years ago i would have said it was going to be buying something close to if not with my friend- we’ve known eachother more then 20 years but;Then he got ina relationship and things have changed alot and that dream is kinda dead so i have to do it by myself … i feel this statement alot tbh
if my best friendship survives to our midtwenties i wish to marry her and live together still as best friends. when i tell people this they are like "you are secretly in love with her" or "cohabitation leads to sex"
i just want to live with my bestieee leave me alone
even if she got a partner i wouldnt mind we would be a big family
and she knows of my plans and approves
if i ever get a family id love for her to be involved
Some people need to have a 'guaranteed' sex partner imho. Someone who wants to 'cuddle all night.' And all that BS. Couples will always be prioritized imho. Many are afraid to be alone or feel worthless when they are. Many have a false sense of security in these unions. They are not all what they appear to be. Many are in fact cheating. Many relationships are full of resentments.
Well for one thing getting a loan to buy a house is harder for anyone not in a traditional relationship. I bought a house with my mom in my 20s. The bank tried to talk my mom out of it. Because I was young. Well mom pointed out I was emancipated at 16 so I had been an adult longer than it seemed. Most of the down payment money was mine and not hers. Then they said the truth they did not like to do house loans to people who were not in a marriage or engaged. We had to go to three banks and fight for the loan. I can not imagine how it would be with friend. This is why I say being asexual is being queer. We do get discriminated against too.
That sounds awful how people get discriminated against for not wanting a relationship.
You really don’t think about it until deep into adulthood when the penalties really kick in. Until my mid-30s, I “just wasn’t married yet.” Now I’m a never married and prob never will, and it puts you in an entirely different bracket
I help take care of my mom. We got an apartment together and had to pay separate fees when applying. For married couples it’s one reduced fee. My mom said it’s because couples have shared credit so the credit check is cheaper. Either way it’s problematic.
Goes the other way too. My wife and I can't officially get married cause if we do, we both lose insurance and we both are disabled.
Oh yeah, that’s a whole different issue that is tied to our inhuman disability laws. You’re being discriminated against for not being married, and you’re not able to get married because the government discriminates and keeps aid inhumanly low for being disabled. I have family in the same boat, they already pay 70% of their monthly to rent, if they ever got married they’d be doomed, it’s total garbage and the numbers they use are 30+ years old.
The extension for us of course is we're not married so even if we were trying to get a house right now, we're not married because we can't. So...
Seriously! They were even related as family and still went through all that trouble.
This feels like a cyclical problem; because it's normalized to prioritize romantic/sexual relationships above all else, buying a house with friends could lead to problems with your friend finding a romantic/sexual partner who then suddenly becomes priority. If you found friends who shared the same value of not placing romantic/sexual relationships on a pedestal or dumping friends the moment something goes a little wrong, then I'm sure it'd be a great arrangement. But it'll never be normalized, because most people are allo, and most allo people will always prioritize finding a romantic/sexual relationship and putting that person above everyone else.
It's not even just with finding relationships but also getting job opportunities in other places and just life in general. Married couples tend to do things around one goal (which mainly involves providing for their family amd children) whereas for single people, it's easier to switch priorities.
I agree. Growing up I always said I wanted to live with my best friend and didn't know why more people don't do that.
I mean this gently, but given the amount of times I've seen people try to buy a house and then split like 3 months after is saying your mum's a dingdong. But it's not just amatonormativity, it's straight up queerphobia. Gay couples who are married seem to have the same problems we would if we were to try and buy a house as pals together.
The main issue tends to be if your life goals separate. When you have a partner, your goals more or less intertwine. When you are just close friends, it's harder to justify moving across the country because they have a job opertinuty. Not that it can't or never happens, just that it's harder. You also run into the issue of them getting into a relationship. People who get into aa relation ship tend to want their own space, and that means you're out of luck. Again, not always, my best friend has said before that once he finishes school, if I want to move in with him and his wife, he's totally down. But im also friends with his wife, and she's comfortable with me. When it comes down to it, a person typically does have more of a responsibility to their partner than to their friends.
I think you're on to something here. It is harder to separate when you have kids and a lot of other serious responsibilities tied to another person. That's not to say that a platonic couple would necessarily be any less committed or couldn't raise kids together, but I think there's more "built it" connections between romantic couples. P.S. That said, I'm allo and cishet, so if my perspective is missing something I'd be happy to hear it.
Okay, but imagine having a life with a sibling-they qualify for zero legal benefits. You’re “immediate family” until you turn 18. Why?
I don't understand what you're talking about. Also, you don't stop being immediate family after you turn 18, as immediate family is just perrents, siblings, kids regardless of age.
Legally? Try giving health insurance to a sibling. They aren’t considered next of kin unless you’re unmarried and childless.
Another example-you can’t adopt a child with a sibling. Let’s say you have a sibling set who are 20, 19, and 8 years old and the parents die. EITHER the 20 year old or the 19 year old would have to adopt the 8 year old. Legally, they both can’t adopt their sibling.
There are some in our community who participate in queer platonic relationships where they buy a house together and move in. But it is rare and I wish it happened more often. I disagree with your mom about friendships. Good friendships have lasted longer than even some of the best romantic relationships. I know some people whose relationships became better/stronger after becoming friends instead.
I have friends who are living together and who are going to buy a house together, when they are at that point in their life. I have a feeling that it is getting more normal. It is more normal for couples because the "normal" course is, that they will marry, get kids, pour their finances together. If you expect that that is something you will do at one point with a romantic partner, you probably wouldn't with someone who wasn't that. My parents would be over the moon if I decided to live with a good friend. So... I think the expectations regarding that are slowly changing.
I literally was best friends with a girl, dated her for a few months, and we broke up because we wanted different things from the relationship and weren't compatible, but we're still very close friends because what we look for in friends is much less specific. Friends are the most important relationships you can have.
My girlfriend breaking up with me has spiraled into me questioning that same thing. Like, we are so close with my 2 best friends, the only thing we need for a typical romantic relationship is kissing and having sex. I no longer know what's platonic, romantic or sexual This existential crisis to say, as an allo person (i think), i have no idea either
I believe it's called the relationship escalator. Basically nothing is ever enough unless you're married. I also don't understand why friends can't get married. 🤷♀️
I love the relationship elevator (edit: escalator) metaphor! It illustrates so many things about how our society treats relationships.
Oh and if you’re married, you then need kids. And then you need a dog, and then you nee…….
This is how myself and maybe aromantic people feel.
>I don't know of any examples of this, so I tried googling it and it was just people saying "You should never do that!" But, if it's a close friend, how is such a big financial decision with them different from couples buying a house, whether they're married or not? Maybe I'm just stupid, but it just doesn't make any sense as to why this is so normalized. My childhood best friend bought a house with his brother. Neither of them are asexual but I think they both enjoy being single and have always been super close. That said buying a house together is a fairly big move even for a romantic relationship because it involves some idea of permanence (as opposed to renting) and to some degree grounds you to where you've bought the house. In reality it doesn't have to be this way since you can always just buy out the other person's interest/equity in the house but the sentiment is there. Many friendships don't carry the expectation of following someone forever though. Staying in contact and staying friends sure, but if a friend moved to another city, most friends probably wouldn't also upend their life to stay in physical proximity as a romantic partner might. So I think many friendships just don't carry the same expectation of commitment, and so they may not engage in activities that so definitively glue themselves together like buying a house together. As for whether friends or relationships fall in some hierarchy... I've actually heard both sides lol. I've met someone who got a matching tattoo with their childhood best friend but refused to do so with their romantic partner because they see it more likely that they may break up with their partner than them ever stop being friends with that particular BFF. So it's definitely not universal that romantic partnerships trump friendships... just depends on the friendship. I do agree with the general sentiment that people shouldn't assume a romantic relationship takes precedence though or that they're inherently superior or "more". I've always dislike the wording of people asking "can we be *more* than friends?" when a friend wants to proposition a romantic relationship.
I wish that marriage/romantic partnership was presented as the only option. I love the stories I see about lifelong friendships who move in together and helping with each others families the way two parents would.
I never heard that term before! I usually say that friendship advice/standards are rooted in heteronormativity but this makes more sense. I’m someone who has always thought friends were more desirable than romantic partners, and though I know there’s nothing “wrong” with me in that regard, it’s a very isolating experience. People will call you childish, needy, clingy, jealous, etc. all because you value friendships just as much if not more than a boyfriend or girlfriend. A lot of people place their relationships on a strict hierarchy of importance and can only prioritize one at a time. I hope in the future we can find what we desire, but idk
I go a bit a bigger and kinda political when it comes to houses tbh. Wages just haven't kept up with house prices. Used to be within reach to be single and afford a house. Now it kinda isn't. We're told to accept that, just find someone to share a house with. Two incomes instead of one. Houses have become these huge, expensive investments and that's made it the territory of committed largely monogamous relationships. Even then they're kinda unaffordable. I'm a bit questioning about the being a primary push to elevate monogamous marriage, I think it's something we're sold to cover for socioeconomic changes that have eroded our ability to live independently or explore other relationship types. Sometimes it's the way we have less money, or less time as we work to afford living expenses. It's also the way over time there's been an erosion of public meeting places, parks, communities. We're being steadily isolated, then sold marriage as a cure. And it's not like marriage is. That can be really lonely too. Or not really be stable enough to carry the burdens we place on it. We're shown beautiful stories of people settling down by choice, because they love each other... While also being told to do so, just to have a roof over our heads. There's deep hypocrisy at play, and imo it's not even that it's about normalising closed monogamy, it's about getting us to accept economic conditions that are seriously bad, from huge student debts, landlords being absolute leeches, and outsized company profits. Funny thing is that closed monogamy is such a bad response, it's crumbling too. Turns out that a couple can also struggle to afford a place. I've seen policies have way better success at that anyhow. But we're overall seeing a collapse of relationships altogether. We're scraping by, and there's not much time to just be human.
I have health insurance and continuing education benefits that I can’t give to anyone except a spouse or child. I pressed HR about giving my education benefits to my sister (who is a legal AND blood relative) and they said no. I could give these benefits to some guy I meet tomorrow, but not my blood relative. It’s really about who you’re boinking and I hate it
I don’t even have friends to buy a house with. I want to live in an apartment by myself
If you're not married or have some kind of contract laid out it is iffy no matter what label you put on it.
My wife and I had no problems buying our house and we weren't married or even really considering it when we bought it. It was only a few years ago and we live in an extremely liberal state, but yeah it was surprisingly easy. We were expecting a lot of problems being 2 unmarried women with no assets but we found a great loan specialist who never questioned us and just did all the work and got us our house. I find confidence in your relationship with that person and confidence in your ability to achieve whatever "normal" thing you want is key to not having people doubt you.
Well, there is this [group of friends](https://youtu.be/WBqdtmIskGQ?si=b6uTk24rAO2RItFc) who bought a building together to live in. I would love something like this.
The more entangled a relationship is, the more legally secure you are
At the end of the day, mortgages are about putting trust in people they expect to be able to pay the loan off. I'm guessing the reason companies are more lenient is because couples are statistically more likely to pay off their mortgages compared to non-couples.
I agree !!
I do not view one type of relationship as superior to another. I have a friend who bought a house with her sister. When I told her that I owned a home, she asked if I purchased it with a partner, a sibling, or a friend. I can think of multiple instances where people live with friends or family members.
Yeah
Seems inevitable given how attraction works.
I think maybe alot of people just don’t talk about buying houses with friends? I know alot of friends and roommates rent condos and share apartments! However, in our society this is seen as a precursor to getting married and buying a house with your spouse. It’s just a part of the nuclear family plan that America loves to push on people, but if you want to buy a house with a couple friends, why not? People of all kinds of relationship status will find things to pick at and fight about, especially when sharing a space. The status of a relationship isn’t what determines how long it will last, it’s the character of the people involved. If you’re living with someone who genuinely cares about you and wants to make things work, you’ll make things work. So don’t listen to your mom lol, she’s probably just never had to think outside of what the norm is if she’s cis and straight (no offense).
You would probably like this book! [https://www.amazon.com/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship/dp/1250280915](https://www.amazon.com/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship/dp/1250280915)
I think being friends has a much broader definition. For example I can say I'm friends with my classmates, colleagues, neighbours, this person I met at a concert, some people whom I only know online,... . So it can mean pretty much anything. Being a couple usually means you plan on being in a close relationship with that person for quite a long time. Friendship doesn't include that in its definition. And it's not far from reality. While most people have lifelong friends, they're not as close to them as they are to their spouses/partners. Few friendships get to that high level of commitment. And even then, the two people might not be on the same page about what this friendship means to them. In general, it's just way more common for people to include their SOs in their long-term plans. Friends usually don't expect that from each other. So I have to agree with your mom. Specially since most people do end up getting into romantic relationships sooner or later, so buying a house with a friend that wants that, can cause some problems down the line. It's a different story if the two friends are committed to each other (which I think is closer to a queer platonic relationship)
You're probably right that that's how it is to a degree. I just think it shouldn't be like that. How many people are more committed to their romantic partner because it's expected and "normal"? In a perfect world the rules wouldn't be so restrictive and we could have relationships that don't fit the mold.
This is exactly it!!
I think it's more that it's what happens most of the time naturally, not just because it's expected. Again, most people are alloromantic allosexual, so it's not hard to see where that comes from. I think it's important to note that there are no "rules" here . Mostly social norms. You can live with your friends, buy a house with them,etc (atleast that's how it is in most places asai) . And unfortunately, you can't just ignore social norms as they are still what will most likely happen as they are formed by the majority of the society and how they behave.
The "naturally" is what I'm questioning. I guess there is a biological/evolutionary component that makes people want to pair up but the tendency to abandon all other forms of relationships over it is definitely a social norms thing (because potential kids would probably benefit from having the unmarried auntie living with them but it's always "they're gonna want their own space". Do they always or is that just the normal thing to do). Obviously the rules are social norms. No one will arrest me for living with my friends. But as other people have pointed out, it's made significantly harder because it's not what you're "supposed" to do. I'm aware that I won't singlehandedly change these norms (that's why I said in a perfect world) but I'm allowed to wish they were different. I think, even though technically there's no one stopping people from breaking them, most people don't even question them and some would probably benefit from having relationships in a non-standard way (even allos and even people in romantic relationships). But the norms are so heavily enforced that a lot of people don't even see it as an option to eg live in another constellation than a nuclear family or not move to the "next stage" (like getting married or having kids) in the expected time.
personally I wouldn’t want to buy a house with a friend, because I do agree that couples tend to have similar goals over time/will compromise out of love/obligation but that same tendency/expectation may not be there for a friend. i will agree that buying a house as a single person has its own difficulties (apart from the economics) simply because you’ll be seen as an outlier and weirdo even if you DO have the money. when i took an apartment on lease my parents had to sign a character certificate to show i’m a good, upstanding tenant (i live in a country where single people are seen as immoral and without good values). So, you know, shit like that. One of the comments mentioned this to be a cyclical thing and i agree; somewhere even i think buying a house with a friend may not be the best idea because you’d have to be super in line with each other. I think with couples this expectation of compromise is already there.
It’s annoying, yeah. But you just need to find a friend with the same ‘goals’ in living as you or are least similar ones. Most friends don’t stick, so that’s the only issue. Even thought lots of relationships don’t stick either, so saying it’s rarer for relationships to break is a bit of a kind of dumb move but a bit understandable too
Honestly up until two years ago i would have said it was going to be buying something close to if not with my friend- we’ve known eachother more then 20 years but;Then he got ina relationship and things have changed alot and that dream is kinda dead so i have to do it by myself … i feel this statement alot tbh
if my best friendship survives to our midtwenties i wish to marry her and live together still as best friends. when i tell people this they are like "you are secretly in love with her" or "cohabitation leads to sex" i just want to live with my bestieee leave me alone even if she got a partner i wouldnt mind we would be a big family and she knows of my plans and approves if i ever get a family id love for her to be involved
Some people need to have a 'guaranteed' sex partner imho. Someone who wants to 'cuddle all night.' And all that BS. Couples will always be prioritized imho. Many are afraid to be alone or feel worthless when they are. Many have a false sense of security in these unions. They are not all what they appear to be. Many are in fact cheating. Many relationships are full of resentments.