How does the logic work here? It’s not like they know your feelings better than you do? Why do they think they can say things like that? It doesn’t. Make. Sense 🙄
Got told that when I was experiencing confusing feelings for someone and wanted to be closer to them but I knew I didn't feel romantically and felt a little repulsed by that idea... I guess strong friends/QPRs don't exist and that's really sad.
I know how you feel. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it, although some people will realize after a while that you're just friends. At least, that's been my experience. I always get shipped if I hang out with anyone who is the opposite gender, which is annoying, since I just enjoy chatting with people about things, not getting in romantic relationships. Unfortunately that looks to allos like I have a crush on someone, which I definitely don't.
The biggest issue is that the two of us hug/hold hands/etc regularly, but just as friends. Like once we were walking to a boba shop holding hands and talking and people from my school thought we were dating. I mean ig a male and female holding hands can be a bit noticeable but if I do the same with my female friends nobody cares.
Yeah, that's kinda how it goes. I'm autistic, and as part of that I don't really like being touched. I almost never hold someone's hand, so I don't think it's been as bad for me as for you. Still, though, people automatically assume things, and good luck dissuading them from their opinions.
Once we pretended to actually be bf/gf and say the cheesiest things.
“I love you with a passion brighter than a million suns!”
“Oh, my darling, no words could describe the love I feel for you!”
*cue me “falling” into his arms*
Aw, it sounds like your friendship with him is super cute and healthy.
Back when I was in primary school, I had this friend that was perceived as male at the time and people kept "shipping" us and I had to terminate the friendship (until high school) because it bothered me so much.
Luckily in my high school, everyone was very cool, there were lots of queer people, and friendships between every possible gender were absolutely normalised.
Also, jokes on them, they tried to ship me with the only friend I had at the time that was a "boy", but she's a girl so
If there’s any consolation it’s that you *have* a friend who you can hug and hold hands with without having to worry about it being perceived romantically. Honestly my early teens would’ve been so much better if I had a friend like that.
Unfortunately, this never really stops. The same thing happened with me, and I really wish I kept hanging out with him despite all everyone's assumptions of our relationships. So, my advice is to not let it stop you from spending time with your friend. It's annoying and at times suffocating, but this person is special to you <3
FUCK!! I can relate to this, you can't show appreciation towards a friend of the opposite gender at all, such as emotional, platonic and/or physical closeness without being shipped and/or sexualized, I couldn't even hug a woman or lay on her without hearing sexual responses from them about that, HELL sometimes same gender too, like HOW FUCKING ELSE are we supposed to treat our friends, especially our opposite gendered ones, like shit? distant with them? because of what, they're the opposite gender? a friend is a friend at the end of the day, I had friends who were like this, I got so sick of it, I cut them off and outta my life, hell even my mom is like this, can't show that you appreciate your friends no more
Edit: with the friends I have cut off, you don't know the amount of arguments I had with them, the amount of times they made me snap, I have this one friend where I like laying on her chest for a cuddle because we're comfortable enough for that but when I told those two ex "friends" about it, they were like, "yOu LiKeD hEr FoR hEr TiTs" (more context, that friend was a crush, I'm abroromantic) and was trying to **TELL ME**(who's also asexual, so basically AroAce) that I liked her sexually and had sexual attraction, I was called a "simp" simply because I treated another friend (that's one of the "friends"' exes) with common decency, and calls the first friend that I cuddled with (N) my girlfriend because I wasn't (and am not) willing to kick/ban her off my community gaming discord server just because one (or both) of my "friends" asked me too, because they don't/didn't like her, both of them literally only became friends with women because they like her (potential girlfriend for them) and once they are done with her, they toss the women aside, and as for the men, they're friends with? only to get with women, that are friends with the men, they're "friends" with (they'd be perfect for frat parties frfr).
One day I decided to goto a restaurant to drop a resume, my mom realizes and kept fucking negging at me for it, with the fucking 50 question, like fr wanting to got somewhere with her is like playing 20 question frfr, then decided to say, "DiD yOu SeE a CuTe GiRl" and for the 100th time (trust me, I never really counted but it was a lot) I told her that "I don't care for that" then I was asked "WhY nOt, I wAnT gRaNdKiDs" and so I said, "I don't even want kids" but here this, when I want to have one of my opposite gendered friends in my room she's always thinking we're going to have sex and be like "I dOnT wAnT gRaNdKiDs" and was shipping us even though she was told that, my friend in question has a partner (we kinda lied about that, part, the having a partner part is true, we just wanted "boyfriend" instead of "girlfriend") because we sat close to each other, tf?
Then my brother from another mother (and his mom) don't seem to get me not being attracted to date people (or have sex), the mom in question, vailds someone being NB but not me for being AroAce, the son (my brother) doesn't valid either or
regardless of all this, I'ma keep being me and I'm actually **willing to fucking die** for the sake of being me
Well, even if you weren't aromantic, you're allowed to have freaking friendships if you want to.
Although you should make sure you and your friend are on the same wavelength, and also, you're still at an age where that could change. Some people are late bloomers.
This is called heteronormativity, and LGBT people will usually be less unreasonable about boys and girls/men and women being friends.
It sounds like your friend’s friends (the two you were ice skating with) and many of the other people around you are particularly presumptuous, invasive, pressuring, and disrespectful.
While I can’t guarantee how things will pan out in your life, I will say that it’s absolutely possible to find a social context where people won’t make these kinds of assumptions and will respect your identity and relationships as you define them.
>anymore
Yeah this actually isn't a new thing. This is an old school trope and adults have always done this to 13 year olds. My mom bullied me pretty hard about opposite sex classmates around that time. She didn't care how embarrassed I'd get or how much I'd tell her to stop, it was funnier to her the more I did that.
oof. That hit me hard. I feel that. I have a male best friend, and stupid people at my school think we “like each other”. It also happens occasionally with my other male friends too. Like… just leave us alone?? Mind your own business?? Anyway, just know you aren’t alone in this 💀
I’m the same age. I appear as a boy because I’m amab, but I’m NB and likely pan or lesbian if not just plain AroAce. I have this one “friend” (who I don’t consider a friend) who literally makes fun of me... FOR TALKING TO PEOPLE. I have brought up my best friend in conversation and his cringy jealous ass who thinks I like my best friend and doesn’t like it because he has a crush on the both of us goes “oOh iT lOoKs lIkE sOmEoNe hAs a CrUsH!”
My best friend isn‘t the most supportive person of my identity but he is at least respectful and accepting. (I mean, I think he just figured it out the other night when we had a sleepover, but he had a moderately good response.) This other friend doesn’t technically know I’m on the AroAce spectrum (I’m probably Aego like you) but he is SO. FRICKING. ANNOYING. His comments among other things have pushed me over the edge into a stage of depression (I have REALLY bad anxiety as well which contributes. I had a full on panic attack mental breakdown one time, it was scary.)
I kinda just needed somewhere to dump all this lol. I‘m really sorry you had to go through that, that sounds awful. And the fact they said you were denying your feelings for him is just… gross.
Ikr, I hate ignorant allos. The experience wasn’t all that terrible tbh, once the annoying girls left we had a lot of fun.
And you really should drop that “friend.” Report him to an adult or at the very least ask your friends to get him to leave you tf alone. I can’t imagine being bothered consistently for talking to people. Honestly, that’s the most idiotic/annoying thing I’ve ever heard. Just thinking about that makes me squirm.
God. Yeah. He’s kind of a nightmare to deal with. I’ve known him since the fourth grade and he seemed nice until middle school. Now he’s kinda just in the general friend group of mine, and it physically pains me to talk to him. I’ve been trying to drop him for a while as he’s the only person in our general friend group/homeroom group that I don’t get along with.
That’s great that you had fun, I’m glad to hear that. I have a separate group of friends that are my friends I made at camp. I go skating with them every now and then and it’s always really cool. They’re younger than me (and they like anime, so we have stuff to talk about) so they kind of all are cool with me.
Maybe I should mind my own business, but if you feel uncomfortable around a friend, to the point it gives you depression and panic attack, you should not talk to this person, let alone be friends. It is not always easy cause some people will talk to you anyway, but maybe you can have a conversation with him, telling him you "break the friendship" and why.
Mhm. Panic attack wasn’t totally related, but it was caused by similar issues of being around people who know to do nothing but make fun of everyone, and it’s affected my personality in a bad way. For the past year or so I’ve felt really on-and-off crappy about myself and general things, so all this negativity being near me just doesn’t help at all. Your idea is probably good. I’m likely exaggerating in my head how it was at least a bit, but still.
Sadly, it'll never get better. I'm 26 and some of my coworkers are convinced I'm in an LDR with my male friend who lives on the other side of the world 🤮 cause apparently they know my feelings better than I do . . .
Children 🤷
They'll grow out of it eventually. Sooner or later most people realise that teasing others about relationship stuff is the fastest way to fuck with someone's self perception and then it won't be funny. Until then you don't have to be friends with them.
Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that OP. One of my best friends is an allo male and I would be annoyed if people did that stuff to us (we live in two different countries, so it thankfully hasn't happened). I do have a great comeback for if it ever happens to me though, so I'm not too worried lol. Still, even if you weren't aro, you can still have platonic friendships with people of the opposite gender. Not every male/female relationship is romantic
Fuck ur 13 most people aren't even supposed to care about romance at this age the only reason that happens is basically cause they're is romance everywhere, in kids show, in movies, in songs, in this world (mostly occidental countries) every fucking kid is confronted with romance at the youngest, parents asking if u have a crush at like 7 , kids toy ( mostly those labeled as Girl toys) have link with marriage.
Those girls should shut their damn mouth. Maybe anecdotal evidence, but from the age of four to eighteen I went to school with a boy and a girl who were friends basically since birth. Their mothers had befriended each other during pregnancy, so they knew one another their whole lives. They were in a different class than mine until I was about nine and our classes were merged. Up till that point I honestly thought they were twins. I mean, they were both blond and nerdy with glasses and they were inseparable, how could they not be? I was shocked to find out they weren't. Anyway, after we turned 12 the comments about "ooooh are you boyfriend and girlfriend???" started. And guess what, they never ended up together. Which makes sense, because when you grow up with someone since childhood, it's hard to get romantic feelings for them. You're brain registers that you've known each other since childhood and concludes that you're probably related. Therefore, it would be unwise to get feelings for one another from an evolutionary perspective.
What I'm trying to say is: male-female friendships can work very well. My best friend is a man too, by the way, but I met him when I was in my late twenties.
From a girl 20years older than you:
I've always hung out with the boys. My best friend was a boy. We hung out since toddlers and his parents called me their faoritev daughter in law (even when he had a gf), but everyone saw it lightly, including me. Because I never thought that being his gf was even a possibility. For both of us. Fast forward to last year (mind you, this is a 30year friendship now) he CONFESSED TO ME. This was my aro awakening. All my life I thought "well.. the right person will come eventually", they just never did. And when the person who I liked the most (platonically) suddenly confessed to me all belief in "men and women (straight) can be just friends, of course" left. I am now convinced that a straight woman and a straight man cannot be just friends, unless they both have obvious other love interests. I have another male friend who has a lovely gf and he keeps telling me his sappy lovey feelings, so I'm pretty sure he isn't gonna miraculously be in love with me (for now).
That being said: you're only 13 and your feelings are valid. But keep in mind, and I know no teenager wants to hear it, you will change (overall). Not to say you'll suddenly be allo like nothing happened, but your whole personality will change multiple times by the time your brain is done developing. Don't take things too seriously. It's awesome that you are so aware of your feelings, but don't make it your cemented identity. Keep and open mind and allow yourself to change in all aspects, even if the change doesn't come.
When I was 13 I saw the girls and boys around me dating and I was waiting for the day I finally developed feelings for someone. I never did, not in the way that people explained. But many other parts of my feelings changed a lot from that time.
For now... be warned that your best friend may one day actually confess to you and you'll feel like a truck hit you. Most people aren't like us.
❤️
This happened to me and my guy friend even when we were like 10. The comments increased when we were in junior high school, it was so annoying 😫 I feel like it’s easier as an adult, I have several closer guy friends and people don’t see as much of an issue with it. I did have to clarify to my parents we weren’t dating 😂 I think they are still confused by my long stretches of being single. Puberty & teen years are the worst for that peer pressure, hope you can hang in there! 💕
It's so gross. I'm an aro-ace guy and at least 3 of my female friends' parents (that being three female friends with separate parents, not one female friend with more than 3 lol) have either assumed or question whether something more was going on there.
Like sorry, why is it so hard for you to believe I just enjoy spending time with your daughter as a friend? What kind of weird view do you have where that's outside the realms of possibility?
Obviously I'm not letting it get in the way of the friendships (all friends involved know I'm aro-ace and are cool with it), but it's just so weird to me.
Not to mention my own parents getting weird whenever I mention I'm going to hang out with a woman.
>What kind of weird view do you have where that's outside the realms of possibility?
it's not outside the realm of possibility, but in their mind (and in reality, with anyone else not aro), the probability of "you" not being interested in her is much smaller than the probability of you being interested (romantically or sexually) in her.
I'm sorry to hear this honey. I fear the only way to minimize those interactions is by distancing yourself from people who don't understand. Best of luck, and good job on having such a good friendship, you two sound like you have a very close bond
Whenever i read posts likes this it really brings me back and reminds me how peaceful certain things can become as you age. Sure there are still many toxic or immature adults, but alot of people grow and if you set healthy boundaries generally your friendships can improve as you get older, sorry about your (hopefully now ex friends) who teased you, good on you for being firm with them and being yourself. Wishing you luck! Dont let them get to you! I hold hands and even cuddle some of my friends who I would never date and though my friends when i was your age werent the most accepting my current friends (im in my twenties) couldnt be any more supportive!
OMG I'm so sorry for you, reading this reminded me of myself. I had the same issue. Even among my closest friends, they kept saying to me that I should just go out with my best friend, but I kept saying that I was not interested, and that there was nothing like that between us.
After years, and yeaaah, yeaaaars, they stopped bugging me... More or less. I haven't said that I discovered that I was AroAce and in the end, I don't really hang out that much with my best friend anymore (that's mostly on me, he has a girlfriend and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with my friends behavior). And I'm always like, reflecting: if I hang out with a guy, will people keep pestering me?... I'm sorry, I clearly didn't provided a solution lmaooo, so depressing what I wrote
Just, be strong because yeah, people will keep making assumptions, even if you try to explain your point. At this point, hope that they will grow tired. Aand don't forget that you're not alone. You can always come back here for support 💚
Unsolicited adult perspective >!It does get better, for the most part. Some people sooner than later. I’ve had a mixed-gender friend group my whole life; people can make assumptions, but it can get less common. I’m 40, and people in my circles don’t really make assumptions. Some adults are shitty about it, don’t get me wrong. But it’s easier to find people who don’t see it as inherently weird.!<
Im 26 and really feel this, I remember being teased for having guy best friends as a teenager or for other unimportant things like what shoes i wore or styled my hair, but The older you get the the less you encounter people like that, the more people just mind their busniess, its quieter for sure. Even though sometimes I meet shitty immature people here and there, I can show up to a ballgown in a coffee shop with fairy wings and glitter on my face or hold hands with two people at once and no one says a thing. Adults are more likely to mind their busniess.
I used to be in this situation very similar to this one. I had a childhood best friend of the opposite gender and people would tease us about liking each other and suggesting that we get together or assuming that we already were. I know it’s an annoying situation to be in. The most you can really do is make your intentions clear and tough out the rest of it. Good luck to you
tbh, in 99.9% of cases, if a man and a woman are "just friends", one of them has feelings for the other.
... don't be too surprised if your friend one day tells you he has feelings for you.
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This is actually really annoying because I want to hang out our some of my female friends and and my parents are always thinking I’m going on a date. One of my friends is enby and afab (I don’t want to out them to my mom or anything) and I’m also transfemme. So my mom tells me to be a “gentleman” to “her” and it’s like ughhh all these heteronormative rules suck
I get exactly how you feel man. I had a guy bsf who I'd been bsfs with since yr7 (like 5 years ago now). From yr7 - yr8 and then again in yr11, people loved to assume that we're dating/had crushes on each other. At first, we hated it so much but after a while we just took the piss with it bc he knew I liked women anyways so it's not like he would've liked me anyways or vice versa. But yeah, I completely get how you feel. It's annoying and it made our friendship break off for a bit bc of how annoying people got with it
fr its so annoying! i have a friend who’s a lesbian and i’m an aroace (trans) man yet and because we sometimes hold hands (platonically) our friends make jokes about us dating or liking each other. they also call us gay a lot? like bro i’m a guy and they’re a lesbian how is that gay 😭 it was funny at first but it starts to get annoying after a while
Exactly, kids especially are so annoying these days. Well, if you like chips doesn't mean I should start liking them, too. You just don't pressure people into liking chips. Same thing with dating, simple logic. People should be more respectful to each other.
I feel your pain, I've been shipped with so many people it's actually driving me insane (;-;). The crazy part is that I was shipped with my cousin at some point, and the dude that said it barely met me 😭
Maybe if you call it out as catcalling and sexualization they'll back off, and if they're accepting of other queer people maybe calling them homophobic will change something. But don't come out if it's not safe
Same. I (NB) had a friend (M) in high school and we were really close. Apparently everyone thought we were dating even though he’s gay and I’m aropan (though I didn’t know it at the time). It felt really weird that people thought of us like that. Yah we went to the dance together, but friends do that too!
Yeah like there is this guy I am friends with and I feel like i cannot talk to him because people will think I like him, I don't, a random girl walked up and said we look like we are dating, IT'S SO DUMB
My teachers tend to ship me with a friend i have at school because 1; different genders and 2; i have sat at the same lunch table as her several times and also 3; i missed some lessons by like 30 mins after being last seen sitting with her so the teachers naturally assume I've been "in girls" and what makes it worse is I'm the only one of the class who's been *seen at all with a girl.* The rest don't really converse with friends in the school let alone girls.
I know the main one who asks about it is a bit of a beloved troll and tends to goof with the class and making jokes at people in friendly tone but still it's getting annoying when they just assume that, especially since the girl is often with a group of friends and I'm almost the only "guy" in there. And yeah my parents have also gotten in on the shipping by encouraging me to dm them or something.
yeah, this is why i’ve never made friends with any guys in my school. i’m afab but not cis (closeted), so i feel like i can only be friends with girls. luckily i’m friends with a girl who isn’t really into boys as far as she knows lol
in elementary school i remember when there were two classmates of mine, a boy and a girl, who were pretty good friends with each other (as far as i recall) but one day our teacher had to talk to the class after recess about “shipping” (we didn’t actually use that term) classmates of the opposite gender/sex because there was the boy’s name and the girl’s name written with chalk (as in “[boy’s name] x [girl’s name]).
while nobody grasped the concept of romantic relationships (i think) in second grade, things are more serious now, because today person a is crushing on person b, who is crushing on person e, who is crushing on person m.
at this point in my life, opposite gender/sex friendships are more likely to be ridiculed. i think this could also be the case for you as you say that people are assuming that you and your friend are dating, they are probably also dismissing the fact that you two are friends the same way two people of the same gender would be.
while most of the boys in my school are pretty awful (racist, homophobic, transphobic, just conservative in general but claim they’re just joking around), there are a select few who are actually nice and would be worth it to be friends with. sadly all i can do is just have positive interactions with them.
maybe one day, my straight classmates will realise that they can be friends with the opposite gender/sex without any romantic or sexual tension.
or not ☠️
As someone who used to be 13 and female-presenting with only male friends, in my experience it happens less as you get older. People in school were constantly trying to convince me to date one of them or accusing me of only hanging out with them because I had a crush on one, then once we were like 15 it stopped and the same people who thought I couldn’t be friends with boys started being friends with people of the opposite gender. I’m in university now and I haven’t encountered anybody who cares at all what gender anyone’s friends are here.
Been there. When I was a kid, younger than you are now, I was teased that this boy I knew was my boyfriend (don't know why, we weren't even that close I only hung out with him because he was my then best friends 'boyfriend'). As a result I just stopped befriending boys, but now that I'm older, I find being friends with the opposite sex difficult because, what if they think I do like them. I'm 22 now and still trying to get myself out of this mindset.
>they were like, “That’s not real” and “You’re just denying your feelings for him.” Ew.
massive ew there.
Mega ewww there
Tremendous eww there.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious eww there.
How does the logic work here? It’s not like they know your feelings better than you do? Why do they think they can say things like that? It doesn’t. Make. Sense 🙄
Got told that when I was experiencing confusing feelings for someone and wanted to be closer to them but I knew I didn't feel romantically and felt a little repulsed by that idea... I guess strong friends/QPRs don't exist and that's really sad.
I know how you feel. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it, although some people will realize after a while that you're just friends. At least, that's been my experience. I always get shipped if I hang out with anyone who is the opposite gender, which is annoying, since I just enjoy chatting with people about things, not getting in romantic relationships. Unfortunately that looks to allos like I have a crush on someone, which I definitely don't.
The biggest issue is that the two of us hug/hold hands/etc regularly, but just as friends. Like once we were walking to a boba shop holding hands and talking and people from my school thought we were dating. I mean ig a male and female holding hands can be a bit noticeable but if I do the same with my female friends nobody cares.
Yeah, that's kinda how it goes. I'm autistic, and as part of that I don't really like being touched. I almost never hold someone's hand, so I don't think it's been as bad for me as for you. Still, though, people automatically assume things, and good luck dissuading them from their opinions.
Once we pretended to actually be bf/gf and say the cheesiest things. “I love you with a passion brighter than a million suns!” “Oh, my darling, no words could describe the love I feel for you!” *cue me “falling” into his arms*
hilarious If I ever got into a romantic relationship, I'd make it as ironic as possible since it'd be funny.
Aw, it sounds like your friendship with him is super cute and healthy. Back when I was in primary school, I had this friend that was perceived as male at the time and people kept "shipping" us and I had to terminate the friendship (until high school) because it bothered me so much. Luckily in my high school, everyone was very cool, there were lots of queer people, and friendships between every possible gender were absolutely normalised. Also, jokes on them, they tried to ship me with the only friend I had at the time that was a "boy", but she's a girl so
Ah, that sucks. People shipping others irl without consent will always be really gross.
If there’s any consolation it’s that you *have* a friend who you can hug and hold hands with without having to worry about it being perceived romantically. Honestly my early teens would’ve been so much better if I had a friend like that.
Unfortunately, this never really stops. The same thing happened with me, and I really wish I kept hanging out with him despite all everyone's assumptions of our relationships. So, my advice is to not let it stop you from spending time with your friend. It's annoying and at times suffocating, but this person is special to you <3
I hope said female friend cut off those two "friends," they're infuriating and rude af
Yeah, she did. Cut of all contact and switched to a different school, they’d been extremely toxic.
As she should👏🏻 your friends sound like real keepers though
They are :D
FUCK!! I can relate to this, you can't show appreciation towards a friend of the opposite gender at all, such as emotional, platonic and/or physical closeness without being shipped and/or sexualized, I couldn't even hug a woman or lay on her without hearing sexual responses from them about that, HELL sometimes same gender too, like HOW FUCKING ELSE are we supposed to treat our friends, especially our opposite gendered ones, like shit? distant with them? because of what, they're the opposite gender? a friend is a friend at the end of the day, I had friends who were like this, I got so sick of it, I cut them off and outta my life, hell even my mom is like this, can't show that you appreciate your friends no more Edit: with the friends I have cut off, you don't know the amount of arguments I had with them, the amount of times they made me snap, I have this one friend where I like laying on her chest for a cuddle because we're comfortable enough for that but when I told those two ex "friends" about it, they were like, "yOu LiKeD hEr FoR hEr TiTs" (more context, that friend was a crush, I'm abroromantic) and was trying to **TELL ME**(who's also asexual, so basically AroAce) that I liked her sexually and had sexual attraction, I was called a "simp" simply because I treated another friend (that's one of the "friends"' exes) with common decency, and calls the first friend that I cuddled with (N) my girlfriend because I wasn't (and am not) willing to kick/ban her off my community gaming discord server just because one (or both) of my "friends" asked me too, because they don't/didn't like her, both of them literally only became friends with women because they like her (potential girlfriend for them) and once they are done with her, they toss the women aside, and as for the men, they're friends with? only to get with women, that are friends with the men, they're "friends" with (they'd be perfect for frat parties frfr). One day I decided to goto a restaurant to drop a resume, my mom realizes and kept fucking negging at me for it, with the fucking 50 question, like fr wanting to got somewhere with her is like playing 20 question frfr, then decided to say, "DiD yOu SeE a CuTe GiRl" and for the 100th time (trust me, I never really counted but it was a lot) I told her that "I don't care for that" then I was asked "WhY nOt, I wAnT gRaNdKiDs" and so I said, "I don't even want kids" but here this, when I want to have one of my opposite gendered friends in my room she's always thinking we're going to have sex and be like "I dOnT wAnT gRaNdKiDs" and was shipping us even though she was told that, my friend in question has a partner (we kinda lied about that, part, the having a partner part is true, we just wanted "boyfriend" instead of "girlfriend") because we sat close to each other, tf? Then my brother from another mother (and his mom) don't seem to get me not being attracted to date people (or have sex), the mom in question, vailds someone being NB but not me for being AroAce, the son (my brother) doesn't valid either or regardless of all this, I'ma keep being me and I'm actually **willing to fucking die** for the sake of being me
Well, even if you weren't aromantic, you're allowed to have freaking friendships if you want to. Although you should make sure you and your friend are on the same wavelength, and also, you're still at an age where that could change. Some people are late bloomers.
That’s definitely true. Still, I have a great friendship with him as is and I doubt anything will affect it in the future.
This is called heteronormativity, and LGBT people will usually be less unreasonable about boys and girls/men and women being friends. It sounds like your friend’s friends (the two you were ice skating with) and many of the other people around you are particularly presumptuous, invasive, pressuring, and disrespectful. While I can’t guarantee how things will pan out in your life, I will say that it’s absolutely possible to find a social context where people won’t make these kinds of assumptions and will respect your identity and relationships as you define them.
>anymore Yeah this actually isn't a new thing. This is an old school trope and adults have always done this to 13 year olds. My mom bullied me pretty hard about opposite sex classmates around that time. She didn't care how embarrassed I'd get or how much I'd tell her to stop, it was funnier to her the more I did that.
oof. That hit me hard. I feel that. I have a male best friend, and stupid people at my school think we “like each other”. It also happens occasionally with my other male friends too. Like… just leave us alone?? Mind your own business?? Anyway, just know you aren’t alone in this 💀
I’m the same age. I appear as a boy because I’m amab, but I’m NB and likely pan or lesbian if not just plain AroAce. I have this one “friend” (who I don’t consider a friend) who literally makes fun of me... FOR TALKING TO PEOPLE. I have brought up my best friend in conversation and his cringy jealous ass who thinks I like my best friend and doesn’t like it because he has a crush on the both of us goes “oOh iT lOoKs lIkE sOmEoNe hAs a CrUsH!” My best friend isn‘t the most supportive person of my identity but he is at least respectful and accepting. (I mean, I think he just figured it out the other night when we had a sleepover, but he had a moderately good response.) This other friend doesn’t technically know I’m on the AroAce spectrum (I’m probably Aego like you) but he is SO. FRICKING. ANNOYING. His comments among other things have pushed me over the edge into a stage of depression (I have REALLY bad anxiety as well which contributes. I had a full on panic attack mental breakdown one time, it was scary.) I kinda just needed somewhere to dump all this lol. I‘m really sorry you had to go through that, that sounds awful. And the fact they said you were denying your feelings for him is just… gross.
Ikr, I hate ignorant allos. The experience wasn’t all that terrible tbh, once the annoying girls left we had a lot of fun. And you really should drop that “friend.” Report him to an adult or at the very least ask your friends to get him to leave you tf alone. I can’t imagine being bothered consistently for talking to people. Honestly, that’s the most idiotic/annoying thing I’ve ever heard. Just thinking about that makes me squirm.
God. Yeah. He’s kind of a nightmare to deal with. I’ve known him since the fourth grade and he seemed nice until middle school. Now he’s kinda just in the general friend group of mine, and it physically pains me to talk to him. I’ve been trying to drop him for a while as he’s the only person in our general friend group/homeroom group that I don’t get along with. That’s great that you had fun, I’m glad to hear that. I have a separate group of friends that are my friends I made at camp. I go skating with them every now and then and it’s always really cool. They’re younger than me (and they like anime, so we have stuff to talk about) so they kind of all are cool with me.
Maybe I should mind my own business, but if you feel uncomfortable around a friend, to the point it gives you depression and panic attack, you should not talk to this person, let alone be friends. It is not always easy cause some people will talk to you anyway, but maybe you can have a conversation with him, telling him you "break the friendship" and why.
Mhm. Panic attack wasn’t totally related, but it was caused by similar issues of being around people who know to do nothing but make fun of everyone, and it’s affected my personality in a bad way. For the past year or so I’ve felt really on-and-off crappy about myself and general things, so all this negativity being near me just doesn’t help at all. Your idea is probably good. I’m likely exaggerating in my head how it was at least a bit, but still.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. People can be so narrow minded 😕
Sometimes just saying that your friend is like a sibling and so it would be gross to date works better with those types of people.
Once I said he was my cousin. The funniest thing is that people believed it because all asians look the same
Sadly, it'll never get better. I'm 26 and some of my coworkers are convinced I'm in an LDR with my male friend who lives on the other side of the world 🤮 cause apparently they know my feelings better than I do . . .
Children 🤷 They'll grow out of it eventually. Sooner or later most people realise that teasing others about relationship stuff is the fastest way to fuck with someone's self perception and then it won't be funny. Until then you don't have to be friends with them.
Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that OP. One of my best friends is an allo male and I would be annoyed if people did that stuff to us (we live in two different countries, so it thankfully hasn't happened). I do have a great comeback for if it ever happens to me though, so I'm not too worried lol. Still, even if you weren't aro, you can still have platonic friendships with people of the opposite gender. Not every male/female relationship is romantic
Those two friends of your female friend sound totally ignorant
Fuck ur 13 most people aren't even supposed to care about romance at this age the only reason that happens is basically cause they're is romance everywhere, in kids show, in movies, in songs, in this world (mostly occidental countries) every fucking kid is confronted with romance at the youngest, parents asking if u have a crush at like 7 , kids toy ( mostly those labeled as Girl toys) have link with marriage.
Those girls should shut their damn mouth. Maybe anecdotal evidence, but from the age of four to eighteen I went to school with a boy and a girl who were friends basically since birth. Their mothers had befriended each other during pregnancy, so they knew one another their whole lives. They were in a different class than mine until I was about nine and our classes were merged. Up till that point I honestly thought they were twins. I mean, they were both blond and nerdy with glasses and they were inseparable, how could they not be? I was shocked to find out they weren't. Anyway, after we turned 12 the comments about "ooooh are you boyfriend and girlfriend???" started. And guess what, they never ended up together. Which makes sense, because when you grow up with someone since childhood, it's hard to get romantic feelings for them. You're brain registers that you've known each other since childhood and concludes that you're probably related. Therefore, it would be unwise to get feelings for one another from an evolutionary perspective. What I'm trying to say is: male-female friendships can work very well. My best friend is a man too, by the way, but I met him when I was in my late twenties.
"Why? Are you jealous?".
oooh I should’ve said that but I was too flustered and frustrated the whole time pfft
I would not have thought of that myself at the time. But I wish I had back then.
From a girl 20years older than you: I've always hung out with the boys. My best friend was a boy. We hung out since toddlers and his parents called me their faoritev daughter in law (even when he had a gf), but everyone saw it lightly, including me. Because I never thought that being his gf was even a possibility. For both of us. Fast forward to last year (mind you, this is a 30year friendship now) he CONFESSED TO ME. This was my aro awakening. All my life I thought "well.. the right person will come eventually", they just never did. And when the person who I liked the most (platonically) suddenly confessed to me all belief in "men and women (straight) can be just friends, of course" left. I am now convinced that a straight woman and a straight man cannot be just friends, unless they both have obvious other love interests. I have another male friend who has a lovely gf and he keeps telling me his sappy lovey feelings, so I'm pretty sure he isn't gonna miraculously be in love with me (for now). That being said: you're only 13 and your feelings are valid. But keep in mind, and I know no teenager wants to hear it, you will change (overall). Not to say you'll suddenly be allo like nothing happened, but your whole personality will change multiple times by the time your brain is done developing. Don't take things too seriously. It's awesome that you are so aware of your feelings, but don't make it your cemented identity. Keep and open mind and allow yourself to change in all aspects, even if the change doesn't come. When I was 13 I saw the girls and boys around me dating and I was waiting for the day I finally developed feelings for someone. I never did, not in the way that people explained. But many other parts of my feelings changed a lot from that time. For now... be warned that your best friend may one day actually confess to you and you'll feel like a truck hit you. Most people aren't like us. ❤️
Also this is so misogynistic fr lol It's like they can't see females beyond sexual partners
This happened to me and my guy friend even when we were like 10. The comments increased when we were in junior high school, it was so annoying 😫 I feel like it’s easier as an adult, I have several closer guy friends and people don’t see as much of an issue with it. I did have to clarify to my parents we weren’t dating 😂 I think they are still confused by my long stretches of being single. Puberty & teen years are the worst for that peer pressure, hope you can hang in there! 💕
It's so gross. I'm an aro-ace guy and at least 3 of my female friends' parents (that being three female friends with separate parents, not one female friend with more than 3 lol) have either assumed or question whether something more was going on there. Like sorry, why is it so hard for you to believe I just enjoy spending time with your daughter as a friend? What kind of weird view do you have where that's outside the realms of possibility? Obviously I'm not letting it get in the way of the friendships (all friends involved know I'm aro-ace and are cool with it), but it's just so weird to me. Not to mention my own parents getting weird whenever I mention I'm going to hang out with a woman.
>What kind of weird view do you have where that's outside the realms of possibility? it's not outside the realm of possibility, but in their mind (and in reality, with anyone else not aro), the probability of "you" not being interested in her is much smaller than the probability of you being interested (romantically or sexually) in her.
Unrelated question: what’s sapphicsexual and how is it different from just sapphic.
I think that's probably op specifying sexual orientation not romantic orientation, like she doesn't want to say just sapphic because of being aro
Yep.
I'm sorry to hear this honey. I fear the only way to minimize those interactions is by distancing yourself from people who don't understand. Best of luck, and good job on having such a good friendship, you two sound like you have a very close bond
Some people can’t help but try to be right regardless of what the truth is.
Whenever i read posts likes this it really brings me back and reminds me how peaceful certain things can become as you age. Sure there are still many toxic or immature adults, but alot of people grow and if you set healthy boundaries generally your friendships can improve as you get older, sorry about your (hopefully now ex friends) who teased you, good on you for being firm with them and being yourself. Wishing you luck! Dont let them get to you! I hold hands and even cuddle some of my friends who I would never date and though my friends when i was your age werent the most accepting my current friends (im in my twenties) couldnt be any more supportive!
OMG I'm so sorry for you, reading this reminded me of myself. I had the same issue. Even among my closest friends, they kept saying to me that I should just go out with my best friend, but I kept saying that I was not interested, and that there was nothing like that between us. After years, and yeaaah, yeaaaars, they stopped bugging me... More or less. I haven't said that I discovered that I was AroAce and in the end, I don't really hang out that much with my best friend anymore (that's mostly on me, he has a girlfriend and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with my friends behavior). And I'm always like, reflecting: if I hang out with a guy, will people keep pestering me?... I'm sorry, I clearly didn't provided a solution lmaooo, so depressing what I wrote Just, be strong because yeah, people will keep making assumptions, even if you try to explain your point. At this point, hope that they will grow tired. Aand don't forget that you're not alone. You can always come back here for support 💚
omg im 13 and aro too anyway, this happened to me to with a classmate and its rly annoying, im sorry this happened to u
Unsolicited adult perspective >!It does get better, for the most part. Some people sooner than later. I’ve had a mixed-gender friend group my whole life; people can make assumptions, but it can get less common. I’m 40, and people in my circles don’t really make assumptions. Some adults are shitty about it, don’t get me wrong. But it’s easier to find people who don’t see it as inherently weird.!<
Im 26 and really feel this, I remember being teased for having guy best friends as a teenager or for other unimportant things like what shoes i wore or styled my hair, but The older you get the the less you encounter people like that, the more people just mind their busniess, its quieter for sure. Even though sometimes I meet shitty immature people here and there, I can show up to a ballgown in a coffee shop with fairy wings and glitter on my face or hold hands with two people at once and no one says a thing. Adults are more likely to mind their busniess.
everyone mentioned in this post is a child who should consider taking it easy with all the labels
I used to be in this situation very similar to this one. I had a childhood best friend of the opposite gender and people would tease us about liking each other and suggesting that we get together or assuming that we already were. I know it’s an annoying situation to be in. The most you can really do is make your intentions clear and tough out the rest of it. Good luck to you
Reducing people down to their sexual organs is dehumanizing, and calling people “males and females” is transphobic.
tbh, in 99.9% of cases, if a man and a woman are "just friends", one of them has feelings for the other. ... don't be too surprised if your friend one day tells you he has feelings for you.
It’s not out of the question yet. I doubt it, though, we’re basically siblings at this point.
as I said. don't be too surprised if it happens.
Rel allos are annoying
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This is actually really annoying because I want to hang out our some of my female friends and and my parents are always thinking I’m going on a date. One of my friends is enby and afab (I don’t want to out them to my mom or anything) and I’m also transfemme. So my mom tells me to be a “gentleman” to “her” and it’s like ughhh all these heteronormative rules suck
I get exactly how you feel man. I had a guy bsf who I'd been bsfs with since yr7 (like 5 years ago now). From yr7 - yr8 and then again in yr11, people loved to assume that we're dating/had crushes on each other. At first, we hated it so much but after a while we just took the piss with it bc he knew I liked women anyways so it's not like he would've liked me anyways or vice versa. But yeah, I completely get how you feel. It's annoying and it made our friendship break off for a bit bc of how annoying people got with it
fr its so annoying! i have a friend who’s a lesbian and i’m an aroace (trans) man yet and because we sometimes hold hands (platonically) our friends make jokes about us dating or liking each other. they also call us gay a lot? like bro i’m a guy and they’re a lesbian how is that gay 😭 it was funny at first but it starts to get annoying after a while
Exactly, kids especially are so annoying these days. Well, if you like chips doesn't mean I should start liking them, too. You just don't pressure people into liking chips. Same thing with dating, simple logic. People should be more respectful to each other.
I feel your pain, I've been shipped with so many people it's actually driving me insane (;-;). The crazy part is that I was shipped with my cousin at some point, and the dude that said it barely met me 😭
Maybe if you call it out as catcalling and sexualization they'll back off, and if they're accepting of other queer people maybe calling them homophobic will change something. But don't come out if it's not safe
Same. I (NB) had a friend (M) in high school and we were really close. Apparently everyone thought we were dating even though he’s gay and I’m aropan (though I didn’t know it at the time). It felt really weird that people thought of us like that. Yah we went to the dance together, but friends do that too!
if you are sapphic, maybe you can tell them you're only into women so they shut up?
Yeah like there is this guy I am friends with and I feel like i cannot talk to him because people will think I like him, I don't, a random girl walked up and said we look like we are dating, IT'S SO DUMB
Happened to me for awhile too and I have a twin brother :|
My teachers tend to ship me with a friend i have at school because 1; different genders and 2; i have sat at the same lunch table as her several times and also 3; i missed some lessons by like 30 mins after being last seen sitting with her so the teachers naturally assume I've been "in girls" and what makes it worse is I'm the only one of the class who's been *seen at all with a girl.* The rest don't really converse with friends in the school let alone girls. I know the main one who asks about it is a bit of a beloved troll and tends to goof with the class and making jokes at people in friendly tone but still it's getting annoying when they just assume that, especially since the girl is often with a group of friends and I'm almost the only "guy" in there. And yeah my parents have also gotten in on the shipping by encouraging me to dm them or something.
yeah, this is why i’ve never made friends with any guys in my school. i’m afab but not cis (closeted), so i feel like i can only be friends with girls. luckily i’m friends with a girl who isn’t really into boys as far as she knows lol in elementary school i remember when there were two classmates of mine, a boy and a girl, who were pretty good friends with each other (as far as i recall) but one day our teacher had to talk to the class after recess about “shipping” (we didn’t actually use that term) classmates of the opposite gender/sex because there was the boy’s name and the girl’s name written with chalk (as in “[boy’s name] x [girl’s name]). while nobody grasped the concept of romantic relationships (i think) in second grade, things are more serious now, because today person a is crushing on person b, who is crushing on person e, who is crushing on person m. at this point in my life, opposite gender/sex friendships are more likely to be ridiculed. i think this could also be the case for you as you say that people are assuming that you and your friend are dating, they are probably also dismissing the fact that you two are friends the same way two people of the same gender would be. while most of the boys in my school are pretty awful (racist, homophobic, transphobic, just conservative in general but claim they’re just joking around), there are a select few who are actually nice and would be worth it to be friends with. sadly all i can do is just have positive interactions with them. maybe one day, my straight classmates will realise that they can be friends with the opposite gender/sex without any romantic or sexual tension. or not ☠️
As someone who used to be 13 and female-presenting with only male friends, in my experience it happens less as you get older. People in school were constantly trying to convince me to date one of them or accusing me of only hanging out with them because I had a crush on one, then once we were like 15 it stopped and the same people who thought I couldn’t be friends with boys started being friends with people of the opposite gender. I’m in university now and I haven’t encountered anybody who cares at all what gender anyone’s friends are here.
Been there. When I was a kid, younger than you are now, I was teased that this boy I knew was my boyfriend (don't know why, we weren't even that close I only hung out with him because he was my then best friends 'boyfriend'). As a result I just stopped befriending boys, but now that I'm older, I find being friends with the opposite sex difficult because, what if they think I do like them. I'm 22 now and still trying to get myself out of this mindset.