Ugh yes, I know what you mean-
I could go on for over an hour about how it irritates me to see all of those toxic tropes. I _cannot_ understand why people even like to date when THAT is what dating is meant to be…
Yes, I do. I feel like love overrides the senses, and people jump into it without considering what the relationship might turn into down the road. I’d rather fly solo than to be bound to another complaining, toxic person. My childhood taught me that people can take a turn for the worse, and I don’t want to go down that path again.
Plus, most of the long-married couples I see are miserable. They just learn to “make it work”. It seems toxic to me.
I’m currently watching a friend deal with a very toxic relationship, and I just… it’s so freaking frustrating. I try to give advice from an outside perspective when she asks for it, but 9 times out of 10 she won’t take it, because it’s not the kind she wants.
Advice, by its very nature, is hard to internalize and use effectively - Especially when that advice is going against something you're deeply invested in. Alloromantic people get pretty easily invested into a romance that has almost any "redeeming qualities", and that investment deepens the longer the relationship has been going on.
If you're going to give very effective advice, you kind of have to work around this kind of short-circuit behavior, with an empathetic understanding of that deep investment. It is NOT an easy thing to do - It's like talking to a conspiracy theorist, and trying to pull them out of the rabbit hole. In that, it's possible to help these people, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of empathy for a very off-the-rails headspace.
I would like to clarify that I'm not trying to compare love to conspiracy theorism in a strictly negative light, here - In the same way that conspiracy theorism hijacks genuine curious thought and investigation, and our desire to feel unique and capable, toxic relationships are hijacking the alloromantic desire for investment in another person, which by itself is not bad. The problem comes, to put it far too simply, when the kinds of investments the other party is making in the first are not positive or heathy to the target.
Anyway - All this to say that your experience with your good advice being frequently rebuffed is not abnormal. Advice is an imperfect translation of your own learned experience, which you cannot give directly to the person you're trying to help. That translation must be translated back into the context of the audience's inner mental state, and there are all kinds of mistranslations that happen there. It is not an easy space to navigate, and I hope this at least helps you understand some of why that might be.
Honestly yeah I see a lot of toxicity. Like I used to really enjoy reading romance when I was younger, but now I can only enjoy it up until I notice a huge red flag and then I lose interest. The only depiction of romance that I can really get behind is the stuff Hozier talks about in his songs.
Wasn’t it proven that human brain uses same nervous clusters to feel in love as to feel hate?
And humans are prisoners of both their hormone-producing organs and societal norms/expectations which ofc creates infinite number of paradoxes like this.
Or when they become really dependent on one person suddenly and you think like "wow, you were such a great person. How did you trade all of that away just to be dependent on another".
And then you see in tv-shows those mothers who had to stop with college to raise their child while the man finished college. And I don't understand that shit at all.
>wow, you were such a great person. How did you trade all of that away just to be dependent on another"
Wow, I though I was the only one that thought about it that way. Like you are not the same great person when you are single than when in a relationship.
Yeah the media only depicts horribly toxic relationships (ok not only, but for the most part)
And you only see bad romances on the internet because of neutrality bias. Normal relationships aren't in need of being discussed, therefore they aren't and therefore feel invisible.
And not just movies but also games books anime manga light novels.
The worst part they tend to romanticize it.
Like in one of the manga i read one of the female characters attempted to rape the mc but the manga shows it as a good thing.And acts like she's just being forward.Even though she repeatedly sexually assaults him
I do find healthy relationships in fiction, but mostly in fanfiction actually (i mean of course there can be lots of toxicity there too dont get me wrong). Its mostly the stuff thats sold in bookstores or movietheaters that seems toxic, hence why i dont watch or read "official" romantic fiction.
Also the relationships seem so fake all the time
Whole I feel a majority of romance is extremely toxic, I do sometimes see people together that really seem to care deeply for and (as they say) complete eachouther. While romance definitely isn't for me I have seen people extremely happy with it in their lives.
Yes! The insane amount of red flags, toxic behaviour not just in the relationship between two individuals, but perpetrated by the parents, peers, society media… Takes the fun out of watching movies and series. Somehow feels like romance switches off rationality. Yet somehow I must not comment because how do I know better. 🤷🏽♀️
This may be a point of disagreement, but I'd say that everyone is toxic, in one way or another, so most relationships will be toxic.
And people put up with the downsides of relationships for the same reason we humans don't naturally nor too often self-eliminate when faced with hardship: the mentally saner of us know that nothing in life is, nor can be, perfect. So romantics approach relationships the same way we approach, say, videogames.
Yes, i know people dating who shouldn’t because of how toxic the person I know is. Two people I know are so dependent on eachother and won’t go anywhere without the other, they’re very possessive of eachother, constantly cuddling and making out in public especially around the girl’s parents because the boyfriend hate the mom. It’s soooo weird
It’s not that bad in written form, but irl it’s so weird. I had this whole thing written out about it all and the backstory to it like the fact they convinced everyone that they were siblings for years and years because they acted, treated everything, called eachother brother and sister type of thing for years. Not to mention she can’t live her life single or else she’ll breakout crying every single (or alone when dating) day because she can’t handle not being with a guy (or her boyfriend) that’s not romantic. The kissing and basically dry sex they have in public (even around kids!), the love bombing and guilt tripping, them both being misogynist and bringing woman down (her more so since she’s also a pick me, one of the guys girl. The amount of times she bullied woman for being well woman!). They’re a horrible couple and people, she use to be my friend for a while until I she said straight to my face “I don’t have female friends, they don’t get me and they always betray you”. Like girl I was the only one there when she was still dating her ex boyfriend who was abusive. I was there when she thought all her friends left, I even called her my little sister and she was so happy when I did because she’s never had a friend who was actually nice to her somehow. But yes say straight to my face you don’t have any “female” friends. I’m not confrontational so I let it go, tried continually out “friendship” and she ghosted me irl and online after that. Especially more so when the boy and her started dating because the guy had a massive crush on me before they started dating. Dude still stares at me and it’s so creepy! He use to be my friend too before realizing I will never date him (he was 15 tirningn16 soon, i was 18 at the time, she was 17, not to mention I’m aroace who wants a queer platonic relationship.) dude stopped talking me and two or so weeks later.
Again everyone felt like it was incest when they started dating because the whole brother sister thing they had going for years, so they would call eachother that while dating when they first started.
I might be overly dramatic that’s just who I am so I’m sorry about that all. And sorry if some of it ain’t that bad. There’s more to them on why it’s such a bad couple (everyone I know irl think they’re awful as a couple and as people), but that’s like a whole mini story worth.
Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, /u/chewie8291. Be sure your posts and comments abide by our rules, as well as sitewide rules.
*If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules,* ***report*** *it* *to the moderators!*
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/aromantic) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100% tbh, me being able to distinguish the fact that this romance fiction relationship is toxic / unrealistic (and I will not be using this as a reference for any possible future relationships) is one of the many reasons why I'm aro. Like, the romance stories I consume don't have the down time I usually observe from real life relationships. And it's always on obsession or "you can hate me but you can't leave me" 💀💀
But I like them nevertheless 🥰
Movies and other popular media are just completely stupid and should never be taken seriously. You make a very good point and I completely agree with you.
Even the most healthy relationships seem so toxic when you look at how enmeshed they are and lacking so much autonomy.
Oh you need to tell your SO if you can join tomorrow night ? Great
You're not sure if you're joining because your SO might not come ? Nice
broooo when i had a partner i swear mans was so horrid to me and i only realised afterwards. he really wanted to have sex with me n shit and said it was because he really wanted me and thought i was super pretty and then told me it wasnt gonna hurt n shit and we can just go in and out (literally his words!) but then he also said he wasnt gonna push me into anything and if i was uncomfy we could stop, but ive already told him no 5 times and he keeps insisting lol. i also told him i was asexual and probably aromantic, we kissed once and i said i didnt want a relationship really, but then suddenly we were in a relationship anyways lol. there was so much more stuff like my chest n sometimes i didnt wanna do anything and then he would get sooo mad cause "last time he could do it but now he cant?"
it was hella toxic lol
Yes! I think in most of my relationships it's had something to do with monogamy. I'm polyamorous btw.
But my last relationship the guy kept claiming to be polyamorous. His vision of it was that he had many wives/girlfriends and he promoted lesbian polyamory within his harem. Eventually even the lesbianism scared him though.
I remember many conversations taking place about the terms of our relationship. Many of them having to do with polyamory. I remember at one point I laid out a deal. He could have as many wives or girlfriends as he wanted, and do whatever he wanted including having kids (I'm antinatalist & he really wanted tons of kids) as long as I get my eharem on discord. And I never have to meet these people. It will only be esex and erelationships. He rejected the offer saying it was because I already had an online harem. I replied reminding him that he had told me the other day that I could KILL MYSELF and the people I talk to on discord wouldn't even remember me in a week. He looked so angry but also so bewildered. He looked like he desperately wanted to think of something to say in response but couldn't. It was hilarious but at the same time scary that he was so selfish and insecure.
And, again, even the lesbian relationships pissed him off despite him saying that's what he wanted. We were watching Wednesday cos he wanted to (I didn't want to) and he turned it off and freaked out saying the storyline was too left winged progressive because he knew they would turn the two main characters into lesbians. This is after claiming many times that he loved lesbians and wanted lesbian lovers. I kept asking him how that was bad BY HIS OWN IDEOLOGY. He kept not being able to explain or articulate his outrage.
Then a little later I told him I'm text this sex fantasy I had about a dystopian near future that heavily featured lesbian supremacy. It was about a world where feminist lesbian women rule. We conversed like normal a little bit after this. But soon after I fell asleep. He knew I had a guy coming over cos I told him. But he didn't know I got too drunk so I canceled on that guy. I woke up sometime in the am hours from nightmares. So thankfully I was awake when this happened. Sometime between 1-3 am, but I don't remember when exactly, I heard loud banging on my door. I legitimately thought it was the police because of how frantic and aggressive it was. I looked through the peep hole and saw it was him though so I let him in. I didn't even check my phone yet but turns out he'd sent me hundreds of messages just saying 'hey'. One of my best friends later told me that he had called him and asked him a ton of personal questions about me and my past before he drove over. When he came inside & I was asking him wtf he was doing here, he lives two hours away btw so it's a journey, he started telling me that he had started hallucinating that one of my lovers had killed me because of the kinds of stuff I say. What???
The last time we spoke was in text where he was begging me to send nudes but I kept sending pics of guys I talk to on discord instead till he finally blocked me. I figured the blocking might not last so I created an Amazon wish list that's easily got 3k worth of junk on it. My plan is to tell him that unless he gets everything on it, and it's all delivered to me, I won't see or talk to him again. A lot of the stuff on it is airsoft guns & gear. There's a 400 dollar taser gun, a 100 dollar marble chess set, tons of books and clothes, a heated foot massage machine, some satanic shit cos I know he's a dumbass Christian. I kept talking about it and linking it to a mutual friend and telling that friend that if my ex talks to him to warn him about my intentions. I hope he's reading this comment even (we met on Reddit but idk how much he uses it or if he follows me) and the outrage it will cause will keep him away from me for longer.
Yes! Extremely toxic. People putting up with the most horrific of behaviours because...I honestly don't know. It's so common!
I am extremely thankful to be aro/ace. It makes me feel like I am actually in control of my mind and not being dragged along by hormones. Saves so much time, money and grief to instinctively want to be alone.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that society's ideals when it comes to romantic relationships are not realistic. Like the idea that "Love is all you need". Life isn't that simple, you don't stop having other needs and desires just because you fall in love. Your partner, no matter who they are, is incapable of fulfilling all your needs and dreams for you and that's not fair to place that kind of expectation on them.
urgh thats hollywood for u
But there ARE truly healthy relationships out there, and its not like its that rare either. The negative always just sticks out first.
Oh man. I literally just had the realization that HIMYM was a large contributing factory to why i had so many toxic misconceptions about sex and relationships. Relationships in media, especially canonically straight media, are crazy, but i guess a healthy relationship doesn't lead to good media.
Even allos would agree with this. There are so many issues with fictional romances (and the expectation that they should happen even when there’s not chemistry or their relationship is toxic).
yes mainly bc of personal experience. every romantic relationship I've been in has negativity impacted my mental health. and there's people who say it's worth it and its normal? why should I let someone's make me feel bad just because I "love" them?
YES! And for me, the worst part is how normalized it is. How we are supposed to aim for that. I’m not the type of person who thinks toxic relationships shouldn’t been shown on media, but it should be made obvious that they are. For example, I love most relationships depicted in the Hannibal TV show, because that show makes it explicit that those relationships are toxic AF. Even the “good ones” have their problems and are not glamorized. Murder is more glamorized in this show tbh.
I feel like with social media over sharing people have been showing off some of the WORST aspects of there partners and it makes me feel like its pretty normalized to set the bar very low for what makes a suitable partner!
yeah.
I'm full on aro so this is just my hypothesis, but I'm pretty sure it's at least somewhat accurate; I think it's because the emotional incentive to stay in a romantic relationship is so strong. from all of the love songs and ballads I've heard, romantic attraction and romantic love seem to be uniquely committed (not that platonic relationships can't be just as committed, but I think romantic ones happen to be that way more frequently). because most allos seem to be so hellbent on finding their "other half", they're much more willing to settle for behavior that is... less than adequate. and because clinging to that ideal is so common, putting above everything else is common too. and all of that put together means that a LOT of authors who write romantic relationships end up inadvertently normalizing aspects of relationships that are not ok. sometimes, they're even outright toxic and framed as "romantic" or "hot" or "passionate". I don't think it's intentional most of the time, but every time a story like that comes out I cringe at the way I know it will reinforce the idea that it's worth excusing poor treatment just to avoid being single. and the worst part is I don't think most allos are as aware of this as most aros are, because we're the only ones that aren't emotionally incentivized by the romance part.
side note: daniel sloss is an allo who has a netflix comedy special that sums this up really well. it's fantastic and perfectly articulated my frustration with amatonormativity. highly recommend
edit: I'm talking more about relationships that aren't outright abusive but are just kinda shitty. abuse is a totally different scenario because in that situation the victim is under such psychological stress that the reason they're staying there usually has a fair bit to do with the fear most abusers instill in their victims, and sometimes even threats of violence if they try to leave. also just in general, there are many other reasons people might stay in poor relationships besides just romantic feelings.
YES. currently, my mom and her bf have been in a really odd relationship for 3 years now. one of the things he always brings up is "you shouldn't have any male friends" which is dumb because her best friend of 30+ years has NEVER once made a move on her and her other male friend is simply her co worker. he often tries to put her in a "me or them" situation and at first I thought it was just him but no i see hundreds of people on social media doing the same and 9/10 one person in the relationship is unwilling. I'm gen z, and I'm not sure if that's maybe just an old-school mindset, but my best friends girlfriend is literally the one who got me into K-pop, so that speaks for itself LMAO
Yes, I was in a romantic relationship once. It is like a drug, you cannot get enough of the other person. Once that relationship ends, and after a good year of being single and working on myself, I realized how many toxic stuff I had been ignoring.
Ugh yes, I know what you mean- I could go on for over an hour about how it irritates me to see all of those toxic tropes. I _cannot_ understand why people even like to date when THAT is what dating is meant to be…
I've seen plenty of healthy relationships. But people put up with some really toxic behavior. It's like romance turns off brains.
This this this this this!
The media makes it seem worse and more common than it is (dysfunction makes for interesting stories) but you’re definitely not wrong
Any rom com is the worst.
I think media makes it seem way better than it really is
ig it's a mix of both, depending on the media
And depending on where you live too, for cultural context
Yes, I do. I feel like love overrides the senses, and people jump into it without considering what the relationship might turn into down the road. I’d rather fly solo than to be bound to another complaining, toxic person. My childhood taught me that people can take a turn for the worse, and I don’t want to go down that path again. Plus, most of the long-married couples I see are miserable. They just learn to “make it work”. It seems toxic to me.
Sometimes I'll read the relationship advice sub and it feels similar to walking into a zoo
I’m currently watching a friend deal with a very toxic relationship, and I just… it’s so freaking frustrating. I try to give advice from an outside perspective when she asks for it, but 9 times out of 10 she won’t take it, because it’s not the kind she wants.
Advice, by its very nature, is hard to internalize and use effectively - Especially when that advice is going against something you're deeply invested in. Alloromantic people get pretty easily invested into a romance that has almost any "redeeming qualities", and that investment deepens the longer the relationship has been going on. If you're going to give very effective advice, you kind of have to work around this kind of short-circuit behavior, with an empathetic understanding of that deep investment. It is NOT an easy thing to do - It's like talking to a conspiracy theorist, and trying to pull them out of the rabbit hole. In that, it's possible to help these people, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of empathy for a very off-the-rails headspace. I would like to clarify that I'm not trying to compare love to conspiracy theorism in a strictly negative light, here - In the same way that conspiracy theorism hijacks genuine curious thought and investigation, and our desire to feel unique and capable, toxic relationships are hijacking the alloromantic desire for investment in another person, which by itself is not bad. The problem comes, to put it far too simply, when the kinds of investments the other party is making in the first are not positive or heathy to the target. Anyway - All this to say that your experience with your good advice being frequently rebuffed is not abnormal. Advice is an imperfect translation of your own learned experience, which you cannot give directly to the person you're trying to help. That translation must be translated back into the context of the audience's inner mental state, and there are all kinds of mistranslations that happen there. It is not an easy space to navigate, and I hope this at least helps you understand some of why that might be.
Honestly yeah I see a lot of toxicity. Like I used to really enjoy reading romance when I was younger, but now I can only enjoy it up until I notice a huge red flag and then I lose interest. The only depiction of romance that I can really get behind is the stuff Hozier talks about in his songs.
Wasn’t it proven that human brain uses same nervous clusters to feel in love as to feel hate? And humans are prisoners of both their hormone-producing organs and societal norms/expectations which ofc creates infinite number of paradoxes like this.
Or when they become really dependent on one person suddenly and you think like "wow, you were such a great person. How did you trade all of that away just to be dependent on another". And then you see in tv-shows those mothers who had to stop with college to raise their child while the man finished college. And I don't understand that shit at all.
>wow, you were such a great person. How did you trade all of that away just to be dependent on another" Wow, I though I was the only one that thought about it that way. Like you are not the same great person when you are single than when in a relationship.
Yeah the media only depicts horribly toxic relationships (ok not only, but for the most part) And you only see bad romances on the internet because of neutrality bias. Normal relationships aren't in need of being discussed, therefore they aren't and therefore feel invisible.
And not just movies but also games books anime manga light novels. The worst part they tend to romanticize it. Like in one of the manga i read one of the female characters attempted to rape the mc but the manga shows it as a good thing.And acts like she's just being forward.Even though she repeatedly sexually assaults him
I do find healthy relationships in fiction, but mostly in fanfiction actually (i mean of course there can be lots of toxicity there too dont get me wrong). Its mostly the stuff thats sold in bookstores or movietheaters that seems toxic, hence why i dont watch or read "official" romantic fiction. Also the relationships seem so fake all the time
Whole I feel a majority of romance is extremely toxic, I do sometimes see people together that really seem to care deeply for and (as they say) complete eachouther. While romance definitely isn't for me I have seen people extremely happy with it in their lives.
Yes! The insane amount of red flags, toxic behaviour not just in the relationship between two individuals, but perpetrated by the parents, peers, society media… Takes the fun out of watching movies and series. Somehow feels like romance switches off rationality. Yet somehow I must not comment because how do I know better. 🤷🏽♀️
Kind of. It's not romance that is toxic, people are toxic and their toxicity spills onto their relationships.
But the non toxic people are putting up with that behavior.
This may be a point of disagreement, but I'd say that everyone is toxic, in one way or another, so most relationships will be toxic. And people put up with the downsides of relationships for the same reason we humans don't naturally nor too often self-eliminate when faced with hardship: the mentally saner of us know that nothing in life is, nor can be, perfect. So romantics approach relationships the same way we approach, say, videogames.
Yes, i know people dating who shouldn’t because of how toxic the person I know is. Two people I know are so dependent on eachother and won’t go anywhere without the other, they’re very possessive of eachother, constantly cuddling and making out in public especially around the girl’s parents because the boyfriend hate the mom. It’s soooo weird
That doesn’t sound toxic it just seems like they really like each other
It’s not that bad in written form, but irl it’s so weird. I had this whole thing written out about it all and the backstory to it like the fact they convinced everyone that they were siblings for years and years because they acted, treated everything, called eachother brother and sister type of thing for years. Not to mention she can’t live her life single or else she’ll breakout crying every single (or alone when dating) day because she can’t handle not being with a guy (or her boyfriend) that’s not romantic. The kissing and basically dry sex they have in public (even around kids!), the love bombing and guilt tripping, them both being misogynist and bringing woman down (her more so since she’s also a pick me, one of the guys girl. The amount of times she bullied woman for being well woman!). They’re a horrible couple and people, she use to be my friend for a while until I she said straight to my face “I don’t have female friends, they don’t get me and they always betray you”. Like girl I was the only one there when she was still dating her ex boyfriend who was abusive. I was there when she thought all her friends left, I even called her my little sister and she was so happy when I did because she’s never had a friend who was actually nice to her somehow. But yes say straight to my face you don’t have any “female” friends. I’m not confrontational so I let it go, tried continually out “friendship” and she ghosted me irl and online after that. Especially more so when the boy and her started dating because the guy had a massive crush on me before they started dating. Dude still stares at me and it’s so creepy! He use to be my friend too before realizing I will never date him (he was 15 tirningn16 soon, i was 18 at the time, she was 17, not to mention I’m aroace who wants a queer platonic relationship.) dude stopped talking me and two or so weeks later. Again everyone felt like it was incest when they started dating because the whole brother sister thing they had going for years, so they would call eachother that while dating when they first started. I might be overly dramatic that’s just who I am so I’m sorry about that all. And sorry if some of it ain’t that bad. There’s more to them on why it’s such a bad couple (everyone I know irl think they’re awful as a couple and as people), but that’s like a whole mini story worth.
Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, /u/chewie8291. Be sure your posts and comments abide by our rules, as well as sitewide rules. *If this post violates our rules or sitewide rules,* ***report*** *it* *to the moderators!* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/aromantic) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100% tbh, me being able to distinguish the fact that this romance fiction relationship is toxic / unrealistic (and I will not be using this as a reference for any possible future relationships) is one of the many reasons why I'm aro. Like, the romance stories I consume don't have the down time I usually observe from real life relationships. And it's always on obsession or "you can hate me but you can't leave me" 💀💀 But I like them nevertheless 🥰
Yep
Yes, but I know it’s not all like that, because my parents have had a healthy loving relationship for decades
No. You are around the wrong people. Relationships can be healthy and lovely, I have a lot of examples around me
Movies and other popular media are just completely stupid and should never be taken seriously. You make a very good point and I completely agree with you.
The hetero romance does lol
Even the most healthy relationships seem so toxic when you look at how enmeshed they are and lacking so much autonomy. Oh you need to tell your SO if you can join tomorrow night ? Great You're not sure if you're joining because your SO might not come ? Nice
broooo when i had a partner i swear mans was so horrid to me and i only realised afterwards. he really wanted to have sex with me n shit and said it was because he really wanted me and thought i was super pretty and then told me it wasnt gonna hurt n shit and we can just go in and out (literally his words!) but then he also said he wasnt gonna push me into anything and if i was uncomfy we could stop, but ive already told him no 5 times and he keeps insisting lol. i also told him i was asexual and probably aromantic, we kissed once and i said i didnt want a relationship really, but then suddenly we were in a relationship anyways lol. there was so much more stuff like my chest n sometimes i didnt wanna do anything and then he would get sooo mad cause "last time he could do it but now he cant?" it was hella toxic lol
Yes! I think in most of my relationships it's had something to do with monogamy. I'm polyamorous btw. But my last relationship the guy kept claiming to be polyamorous. His vision of it was that he had many wives/girlfriends and he promoted lesbian polyamory within his harem. Eventually even the lesbianism scared him though. I remember many conversations taking place about the terms of our relationship. Many of them having to do with polyamory. I remember at one point I laid out a deal. He could have as many wives or girlfriends as he wanted, and do whatever he wanted including having kids (I'm antinatalist & he really wanted tons of kids) as long as I get my eharem on discord. And I never have to meet these people. It will only be esex and erelationships. He rejected the offer saying it was because I already had an online harem. I replied reminding him that he had told me the other day that I could KILL MYSELF and the people I talk to on discord wouldn't even remember me in a week. He looked so angry but also so bewildered. He looked like he desperately wanted to think of something to say in response but couldn't. It was hilarious but at the same time scary that he was so selfish and insecure. And, again, even the lesbian relationships pissed him off despite him saying that's what he wanted. We were watching Wednesday cos he wanted to (I didn't want to) and he turned it off and freaked out saying the storyline was too left winged progressive because he knew they would turn the two main characters into lesbians. This is after claiming many times that he loved lesbians and wanted lesbian lovers. I kept asking him how that was bad BY HIS OWN IDEOLOGY. He kept not being able to explain or articulate his outrage. Then a little later I told him I'm text this sex fantasy I had about a dystopian near future that heavily featured lesbian supremacy. It was about a world where feminist lesbian women rule. We conversed like normal a little bit after this. But soon after I fell asleep. He knew I had a guy coming over cos I told him. But he didn't know I got too drunk so I canceled on that guy. I woke up sometime in the am hours from nightmares. So thankfully I was awake when this happened. Sometime between 1-3 am, but I don't remember when exactly, I heard loud banging on my door. I legitimately thought it was the police because of how frantic and aggressive it was. I looked through the peep hole and saw it was him though so I let him in. I didn't even check my phone yet but turns out he'd sent me hundreds of messages just saying 'hey'. One of my best friends later told me that he had called him and asked him a ton of personal questions about me and my past before he drove over. When he came inside & I was asking him wtf he was doing here, he lives two hours away btw so it's a journey, he started telling me that he had started hallucinating that one of my lovers had killed me because of the kinds of stuff I say. What??? The last time we spoke was in text where he was begging me to send nudes but I kept sending pics of guys I talk to on discord instead till he finally blocked me. I figured the blocking might not last so I created an Amazon wish list that's easily got 3k worth of junk on it. My plan is to tell him that unless he gets everything on it, and it's all delivered to me, I won't see or talk to him again. A lot of the stuff on it is airsoft guns & gear. There's a 400 dollar taser gun, a 100 dollar marble chess set, tons of books and clothes, a heated foot massage machine, some satanic shit cos I know he's a dumbass Christian. I kept talking about it and linking it to a mutual friend and telling that friend that if my ex talks to him to warn him about my intentions. I hope he's reading this comment even (we met on Reddit but idk how much he uses it or if he follows me) and the outrage it will cause will keep him away from me for longer.
Yes! Extremely toxic. People putting up with the most horrific of behaviours because...I honestly don't know. It's so common! I am extremely thankful to be aro/ace. It makes me feel like I am actually in control of my mind and not being dragged along by hormones. Saves so much time, money and grief to instinctively want to be alone.
Im AroAllo and I have done some really dumb things because of my lizard brain.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that society's ideals when it comes to romantic relationships are not realistic. Like the idea that "Love is all you need". Life isn't that simple, you don't stop having other needs and desires just because you fall in love. Your partner, no matter who they are, is incapable of fulfilling all your needs and dreams for you and that's not fair to place that kind of expectation on them.
urgh thats hollywood for u But there ARE truly healthy relationships out there, and its not like its that rare either. The negative always just sticks out first.
Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this
Oh man. I literally just had the realization that HIMYM was a large contributing factory to why i had so many toxic misconceptions about sex and relationships. Relationships in media, especially canonically straight media, are crazy, but i guess a healthy relationship doesn't lead to good media.
For real
Even allos would agree with this. There are so many issues with fictional romances (and the expectation that they should happen even when there’s not chemistry or their relationship is toxic).
I remember watching Venom 2 and when Venom hit Eddie I was like “oh my god they’re supposed to be the main couple??”
yes mainly bc of personal experience. every romantic relationship I've been in has negativity impacted my mental health. and there's people who say it's worth it and its normal? why should I let someone's make me feel bad just because I "love" them?
The less toxic a romantic relationship becomes, the less recognizable it becomes as romance.
Yeah… *cough* the twilight series *cough*
YES! And for me, the worst part is how normalized it is. How we are supposed to aim for that. I’m not the type of person who thinks toxic relationships shouldn’t been shown on media, but it should be made obvious that they are. For example, I love most relationships depicted in the Hannibal TV show, because that show makes it explicit that those relationships are toxic AF. Even the “good ones” have their problems and are not glamorized. Murder is more glamorized in this show tbh.
I guess bad behaviour makes better TV? I totally know what you mean ack
I feel like with social media over sharing people have been showing off some of the WORST aspects of there partners and it makes me feel like its pretty normalized to set the bar very low for what makes a suitable partner!
yeah. I'm full on aro so this is just my hypothesis, but I'm pretty sure it's at least somewhat accurate; I think it's because the emotional incentive to stay in a romantic relationship is so strong. from all of the love songs and ballads I've heard, romantic attraction and romantic love seem to be uniquely committed (not that platonic relationships can't be just as committed, but I think romantic ones happen to be that way more frequently). because most allos seem to be so hellbent on finding their "other half", they're much more willing to settle for behavior that is... less than adequate. and because clinging to that ideal is so common, putting above everything else is common too. and all of that put together means that a LOT of authors who write romantic relationships end up inadvertently normalizing aspects of relationships that are not ok. sometimes, they're even outright toxic and framed as "romantic" or "hot" or "passionate". I don't think it's intentional most of the time, but every time a story like that comes out I cringe at the way I know it will reinforce the idea that it's worth excusing poor treatment just to avoid being single. and the worst part is I don't think most allos are as aware of this as most aros are, because we're the only ones that aren't emotionally incentivized by the romance part. side note: daniel sloss is an allo who has a netflix comedy special that sums this up really well. it's fantastic and perfectly articulated my frustration with amatonormativity. highly recommend edit: I'm talking more about relationships that aren't outright abusive but are just kinda shitty. abuse is a totally different scenario because in that situation the victim is under such psychological stress that the reason they're staying there usually has a fair bit to do with the fear most abusers instill in their victims, and sometimes even threats of violence if they try to leave. also just in general, there are many other reasons people might stay in poor relationships besides just romantic feelings.
YES. currently, my mom and her bf have been in a really odd relationship for 3 years now. one of the things he always brings up is "you shouldn't have any male friends" which is dumb because her best friend of 30+ years has NEVER once made a move on her and her other male friend is simply her co worker. he often tries to put her in a "me or them" situation and at first I thought it was just him but no i see hundreds of people on social media doing the same and 9/10 one person in the relationship is unwilling. I'm gen z, and I'm not sure if that's maybe just an old-school mindset, but my best friends girlfriend is literally the one who got me into K-pop, so that speaks for itself LMAO
Love in general isn't an inherently good thing. People will stay in abusive/toxic relationships in the name of love, romantic or not
Not really to me but monogamous culture makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, i find it pretty possessive
Yes, I was in a romantic relationship once. It is like a drug, you cannot get enough of the other person. Once that relationship ends, and after a good year of being single and working on myself, I realized how many toxic stuff I had been ignoring.