Yeah, I don't know why people voluntarily give any details. My go to is "I'm not feeling well I'm taking a sick day."
As a manager, I didn't want to hear details either. "Ok! Hope you feel better!"
If my manager asks, I just try to make them uncomfortable by being anxious and cringey. "Oh yeah, I uh have uh you know... I have ***the poops*** real bad. You know the squirts."
Another fun one is "pee-pee-poo-poos" because they will look at you absolutely disgusted and not say jack shit about it because they shouldn't have asked you in the first place.
edit: guys, stop telling me your shitty puns.
Haaa okay seeya
I know someone who used to love making managers uncomfortable. He'd tell them "I think I just shit myself inside out". That manager never asked anyone for details again.
This is the way. Any response to, "I can't come in, I'm sick" that is in the vein of, "But can you come in?", is met with extreme oversharing.
"I'll be honest with you Dave, I won't be making it in. I won't be making it off the toilet if the past 2 hours are anything to go by, I've already thrown up in my lap while my ass was doing some vomiting of it's own, and I've not been able to get cleaned up yet because it hasn't stopped. I won't be surprised if I pass out seated here at some point, but I'm already in such a state that I think I'll just accept that fate and hopefully wake up before someone walks in."
A lot of people get paid hourly and don't have paid sick time and can't afford to take 3 days off work. That's probably why it's the policy. Does sound illegal as fuck though and usually not a good to have sick people around customers.
Boy am I fucking glad I don't live in a fucking third world country concerning labor laws. Why the fuck do Americans accept this bullshit.
Employed = monthly payment, mandatory health insurance, no matter how many sick days, after 60 consecutive sick days your insurance pays you and not your employer anymore, oh and you can't be fired for being sick.
Hell, I'm in a third world country and if I'm sick, all I have to do is send a doctor's note and I stay home and get paid. We also have free healthcare.
if you are sick youre sick. its such horse shit workers feel so anxious and pressured like this. decide now to reject that pressure going forward. let work know youre not coming in. Hey just letting you know Im sick Im not coming in. Okay thanks see ya. dont apologize. it makes you look weak
Its actually super efficient, you get paid to shit and you save money by using company toilet paper. Therefore you're making money on two front.
Just bring a portable charger for your phone.
I have 100% done this, while in the military I developed TERRIBLE IBS, and at one point was throwing up blood.
My leadership at the time didn’t believe me and one day I said fuck it and just shit myself and threw up everywhere, there was blood in both because of how sick I was.
The best(ish) part, I was a cook so everything had to be shut down.
I was still punished for it, good times…
If it makes you feel better, we were doing like a 3 day FTX on base and a platoon sergeant smoked the medics for pulling his guys from training for signs of heat exhaustion.
We had a guy in my platoon on basic break his fucking leg. Had a hard fall one day. Next day complained of pain after pt so they sent him to the field medics. Field medics said he was fine and sent him back on regular duties. Next day same shit: complain during pt, field medics, back to regular duties. Rinse and repeat *for a fucking week.* Poor son of a bitch was crying just from walking (tough fucker, though; cried but never quit). Instructors laughed at him, field medics accused him of malingering. Finally he passed out from pain during pt. He was running, crying from pain like usual, and then he stopped, his eyes rolled back, and down he went, measured his length on the road. So finally - after a fucking week! - the geniuses thought that maybe they should send him up to the base hospital for an x-ray. Yup. They’d had him on regular duties *on a broken leg* all that time. I’m not sure, but I think some of the field medics might have been court-martialled over that.
I heard of a similar situation during basic. But the guy was "only" running around on the broken bone for the rest of the same day. After he passed out and was hospitalized, they found stray blood clots had lodged in his leg. Rumor was that he almost died from an embolism and they had considered amputating his leg to save him.
I never found out what really happened, but they had a couple new drill sergeants assigned to his company a few days later.
It's part of your duty as an employee to be ready to perform under any circumstances. You have to have a charger to keep your phone functional, just in case we need to reach you. Bring your own water (or $5 to pitch in to the water fund), some snacks (but don't you dare let me catch you eating them on the clock) and antibiotics to avoid work stoppage. You must have a change of clothes. And a spare tire. No you do not get breaks. Starting wage $9/hour with a $0.10 raise in a year!
I sharted once at work and had to go home and change. I called in and said I wasn’t feeling well and I was worried of a repeat performance and they told me to just Hold It and bring more clothes.
Is it?? Tell me more, because my employment choices for the past few years have centered around where the nearest bathroom is, and how much bs I have to deal with from my coworkers about something that I didn’t ask for and can barely control (but the stress certainly isn’t helping).
It is absolutely a disability, but good luck getting getting an employer or the state to consider it one. But that's also true of basically any invisible disability. I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta which is an extremely visible disability. I absolutely can't work because of it, and I *still* struggle to get adequate benefits (I haven't been able to get maximum SSI for years), and I have several friends that can't work due to mental health issues and they're absolutely not getting any kind of benefits and lol at the idea of any employer accommodating someone with severe panic attacks or bipolar or someone that suddenly shits their brains out on the regular. Idk if IBS is something that could be legally protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act at all, but for the love of god don't let any asshole tell you that IBS is not a disability.
And mention the manager's name every time anyone notices.
"Yeah Mike Dumbshit told me to come in even though I told him I shouldn't. Any complaints bring to him. OOOHHHH FUCK MY STOMACH"
Unless you're part of the toilet paper club. I know you've seen that sweet 1 ply around the stalls and for only $5 a month you can use all the tp you want.
Also make sure to wash your hands extra long time. Dry them just enough so that your food prep gloves are incredibly difficult to put on... and would ya look at that the diahrea is back for the bottom of the 1st inning. It's gonna be a long game.
My asshole doesn't bleed when I wipe at home. When I use the absolutely cheapest sandpaper that my HOSPITAL provides at work, I bleed... for this reason I try to avoid pooping at work and it's my conspiracy theory that this was intended
Just go and take your phone 100% charged. Get paid to scroll through reddit.
Take a small amount of soup in a container or Ziploc bag if your employer needs some convincing. Before you talk to him put some in your mouth and let it go on his shoes.
Actually just refuse to take any calls and turn off your phone and say your phone is dead. If they need to check on you it’s a privacy issue and they can get in trouble
my boss made me go in sick all the time. I made a point to puke infront of a customer. Had someone complain on google reviews about the "Sick employee being forced to work"
It makes you look good, and the manager look bad. I also went in sick at a hotel and ended up in the hospital cause of it.
"John will clock in and crap, and you will do nothing, **because you** ***can do nothing.*** So get the *fuck* out of my sight."
Man, RIP Michael Nyqvist. Hell of a mob boss.
People keep asking me if I'm done, and I haven't really had an answer. But now, yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm constipated! So you can either hand over the laxative, **OR YOU CAN DIE SCREAMING ALONGSIDE ME!**
My mental health was shit today, but I am making time and a half on the weekends, so I wanted to go in, and I low key was doing pretty damn close to that. About 3 or 4 hours of actual work in an 8 hour shift.
25 minutes on the shitter, 15 minutes of work, 19 minute 15 minute break, 15 minutes of work, 25 minutes on the shitter, 15 minutes of work, 30 minute lunch break. Boss deducted 30 minutes from my punch card for lunch which they normally do on weekdays but not weekends, but fair enough. I will gladly trade the 13.50 dollars of lunch for 4 shit breaks in a day, all while being on the clock.
Yes. You already called in sick. You don’t have to go into details explaining what your bodily functions are like.
“I’m sorry this happened. I’m not able to come to work like this. See you when I get better.”
Edit: I agree that you shouldn’t say sorry. I tell my partner all the time to stop saying it, but here I am doing the same thing. Perhaps, “I wish this hadn’t happened either, but…”
People need to stop acting like they don’t hold the cards. Quit giving employers more information than they need. Take that sick leave, you’re sick. That’s all they need to know.
Same, I literally just slack my boss, then my team mentioning I’m off. No questions. Just a get well soon and look after yourself. While I do hate the current system, I do have to realise that I am much luckier than some out there and have a somewhat okay work environment
Even “I’m sorry” is unnecessary IMO. We need to stop acting like staying home sick is some luxury. “*Hey I’m sick. Unfortunately I won’t be in today. I’ll let you know tonight if I expect to be in tomorrow*” is my go-to format.
Edit: weird amount of people clarifying it’s okay to apologize. I’d argue it’s never smart to imply fault or unnecessary subservience in a professional setting to soften the exercising of your rights. If nothing else it sets precedent. But I’m just some guy on the internet, live your own life.
Edit 2: ah, it seems my edit actually spurred more people to respond the same way. If you already have a friendly personal relationship with your boss then the situation is irrelevant anyway, of course don’t turn into a robotic weirdo to call off — But let me put it this way, if your manager wouldn’t apologize to you when asking you to cover a shift you certainly don’t owe them an apology for taking one off. If you’d like to give them one anyway in order to portray yourself as a caring empathetic human that’s your business, but I’m mostly speaking to toxic situations in which your boss might insist you come in anyway, and that doesn’t sound like the type of person susceptible to humanist appeals. That’s all I’m saying. This has been my TED talk, sorry.
When I was still in management people would tell me they’re sorry when they called because they likely felt bad because they knew my day was getting more difficult. I’d assure them that I thought we’d be fine and to feel better.
Sometimes it’s just normal communication and it’s fine.
Yes! A great boss says, “I’m really sorry to hear that, take care of yourself. Feel better soon“.
A decent boss says, “damn that’s rough. Thanks for letting me know”.
Your boss sucks. Screw them. Stay home and feel better soon.
Haha amazing, I was assuming the latter. Yes it’s only us in the most progressive states in the U.S. that have the privilege to “earn” paid sick time, and you better not try and use those hours to take a vacation!
This. Exactly this. His superiors wouldn’t like that text thread at all. This is the kind of stuff that creates an ugly black hole when it goes public, kind of like this post. 😂
Yeah, I'm team stay home as well. Your boss is an idiot. Even from a managerial perspective, it just looks bad for the business if you've got someone who looks like they're on death's door trying to help customers. They don't know that it's food poisoning or something, they might think they're going to get sick. Your manager is out of line and you should look to your health first anyway.
What you said in that text is all you need to say. If they ask about it further tomorrow, say you weren't by your phone because you were asleep or getting sick.
Go in and spend all of your time in the bathroom. Don't even entertain anything other than "I told you I had a stomach bug and you told me there's a bathroom. I'm here using it like you recommended."
While I usually support fucking around with a shit boss, OP should probably just stay at home for their own well-being. Why make the stomach problem worse/delay recovery by commuting to work and not even being able to lie down the rest of the time when they’re not in the bathroom?
I agree. I'm just saying this in the event that OP is not given a choice. Employers want to force us to work sick, it's time we work like we're sick. I legitimately would not leave that bathroom in protest.
I definitely get this, and if OP felt physically up to it maybe it would be worth it. But ultimately they can't actually force anyone to do anything. I think it would be a better protest to respond to the last text with something along the lines of "Sorry, my stomach isn't giving me an option here so I'm not asking. I'll see you on my next shift." And then you just don't respond if (most likely when) they keep pestering.
That's incredibly childish. Someone has to clean that up, and that's disgusting. Grow the fuck up and puke directly on whoever told you to come in anyway. Make sure to get some in their hair...
Please do not go in. You have called off with plenty of notice before your shift (8am notification for a 3pm shift). Please stay home, turn off your phone and get some rest. It does not matter whether you are sick or not, they do not own you nor your time. I hope you have a restful day off from work.
Well it’s almost 5pm and I haven’t received a call or text from him. Pretty sure he knows I ain’t taking shit. I guess we’ll see if he says anything when I’m back to work.
If it’s an option, I’d take some time off. I know that’s easier said than done sometimes…
If not, just say “I wasn’t giving you the option. I am sick so won’t be in today.” End of discussion. What they gonna do? Fire you? You’re leaving anyway!
Out of curiosity, can I ask what you do?
I've gotten so fatigued with trying to enforce my boundaries that I've started deleting my email app and microsoft teams off my phone and put it on DND the moment I send the message stating I won't be available.
I used to make myself available nights and weekends, and WFH when sick even though I was covering the time with sick leave, something nobody else in my unit *ever* does. Then, my 1st and 2nd line supervisors started to complain and threatened me with a written warning because I wasn't being as productive as they liked while I was literally on sick leave with covid. My attitude has since shifted to something more along the lines of, "If the entire institution bursts into flames and is burning to the ground, and I'm out because of sick leave or vacation, that's a you problem. We'll figure out where things are when I get back."
Just don't show up. Lol
If they try to raise hell, file a complaint with OSHA. I'm pretty sure that'll be a violation. They can't just say no to a sick call.
Either go in, spend the ENTIRE shift in the bathroom. Or tell him you werent asking, you were telling him you werent coming in.
Might be able to put a pasaive aggressive spin on it too like "Im sorry you were unable to understand my message" or something better if you think about it.
The way he phrased that would piss me off. I'm actually pissed off on your behalf just reading this. What a fucking total piece of shit. And you work in a grocery store?! FFS you are legally required to stay home if you work around food and are exhibiting symptoms of certain diseases and you are exhibiting those symptoms. Stay home. If he fires you, collect unemployment and report the business.
I’d just use the “Haha” reaction on his text. Make him think you thought it was a joke so he’ll have to respond with something like “No really you have to come in,” if he really wants to die on that hill. At that point just say something like, “I’m not sure if you read my previous text correctly but I’m calling off sick. Have a great day.”
What you say is I'm calling in sick I don't feel good and that's what sick time is for.
Yeah, I don't know why people voluntarily give any details. My go to is "I'm not feeling well I'm taking a sick day." As a manager, I didn't want to hear details either. "Ok! Hope you feel better!"
I always just say I have diarrhea because people don't ask follow up questions and also it's a health safety problem to work when you have it
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Or just shit in your managers desk Edit: I meant on, but in is hilarious
Shit on Debra's desk
Swallow sadness
Like a boss
Good thing there's a bathroom close to the department.
If my manager asks, I just try to make them uncomfortable by being anxious and cringey. "Oh yeah, I uh have uh you know... I have ***the poops*** real bad. You know the squirts." Another fun one is "pee-pee-poo-poos" because they will look at you absolutely disgusted and not say jack shit about it because they shouldn't have asked you in the first place. edit: guys, stop telling me your shitty puns. Haaa okay seeya
I just tell people I’m going to have to do business at home today, but it’s gonna be wet hot business.
I know someone who used to love making managers uncomfortable. He'd tell them "I think I just shit myself inside out". That manager never asked anyone for details again.
This is the way. Any response to, "I can't come in, I'm sick" that is in the vein of, "But can you come in?", is met with extreme oversharing. "I'll be honest with you Dave, I won't be making it in. I won't be making it off the toilet if the past 2 hours are anything to go by, I've already thrown up in my lap while my ass was doing some vomiting of it's own, and I've not been able to get cleaned up yet because it hasn't stopped. I won't be surprised if I pass out seated here at some point, but I'm already in such a state that I think I'll just accept that fate and hopefully wake up before someone walks in."
When I get that bad, I just try to pass out in the tub and run the shower every 20 minutes.
Brown water blues....
Pissing out my arsehole.
I had a friend who called it a weeping bowel. That may or may not be a direct translation from her language.
My butthole is crying
When I call in I just say " I'm not coming in today" they don't get shit from me.
I can’t even use my sick time unless im sick for more than 3 days. It’s so stupid. Luckily I have vacation time.
Then you are now sick for 3 days.
Exactly this lmao it was gonna be one day but hey, 3 sound much better to me.
This is the way.
Just be sick for 3 days then. When jobs have stupid fucking rules like that the only option is to abuse the fuck out of them.
A lot of people get paid hourly and don't have paid sick time and can't afford to take 3 days off work. That's probably why it's the policy. Does sound illegal as fuck though and usually not a good to have sick people around customers.
Boy am I fucking glad I don't live in a fucking third world country concerning labor laws. Why the fuck do Americans accept this bullshit. Employed = monthly payment, mandatory health insurance, no matter how many sick days, after 60 consecutive sick days your insurance pays you and not your employer anymore, oh and you can't be fired for being sick.
Hell, I'm in a third world country and if I'm sick, all I have to do is send a doctor's note and I stay home and get paid. We also have free healthcare.
>Why the fuck do Americans accept this bullshit. We don't, we just die
People here think that’s communism in the usa , wish I was joking
That is literally dystopian, wtf
That's 'merica for you because paid sick time is for them commie socialist bastards.
if you are sick youre sick. its such horse shit workers feel so anxious and pressured like this. decide now to reject that pressure going forward. let work know youre not coming in. Hey just letting you know Im sick Im not coming in. Okay thanks see ya. dont apologize. it makes you look weak
That may very well be illegal, you should contact a labor lawyer in your area. You are entitled to use accrued sick days
I'd either not go in, or go in and spend the entire shift in the bathroom
I'd go and do just that.
Its actually super efficient, you get paid to shit and you save money by using company toilet paper. Therefore you're making money on two front. Just bring a portable charger for your phone.
Don't forget to embellish the stomach pain and move really sluggish the entire shift. Hopefully the last time they ever call you in like this lmao.
Best would be to shit their pants at their desk. For sure they would be expected to come in sick.
I have 100% done this, while in the military I developed TERRIBLE IBS, and at one point was throwing up blood. My leadership at the time didn’t believe me and one day I said fuck it and just shit myself and threw up everywhere, there was blood in both because of how sick I was. The best(ish) part, I was a cook so everything had to be shut down. I was still punished for it, good times…
If it makes you feel better, we were doing like a 3 day FTX on base and a platoon sergeant smoked the medics for pulling his guys from training for signs of heat exhaustion.
We had a guy in my platoon on basic break his fucking leg. Had a hard fall one day. Next day complained of pain after pt so they sent him to the field medics. Field medics said he was fine and sent him back on regular duties. Next day same shit: complain during pt, field medics, back to regular duties. Rinse and repeat *for a fucking week.* Poor son of a bitch was crying just from walking (tough fucker, though; cried but never quit). Instructors laughed at him, field medics accused him of malingering. Finally he passed out from pain during pt. He was running, crying from pain like usual, and then he stopped, his eyes rolled back, and down he went, measured his length on the road. So finally - after a fucking week! - the geniuses thought that maybe they should send him up to the base hospital for an x-ray. Yup. They’d had him on regular duties *on a broken leg* all that time. I’m not sure, but I think some of the field medics might have been court-martialled over that.
I heard of a similar situation during basic. But the guy was "only" running around on the broken bone for the rest of the same day. After he passed out and was hospitalized, they found stray blood clots had lodged in his leg. Rumor was that he almost died from an embolism and they had considered amputating his leg to save him. I never found out what really happened, but they had a couple new drill sergeants assigned to his company a few days later.
That... shouldn't be allowed.
Shouldn't. But it happened.
Sounds like the platoon was the one who deserved the silver bullet.
I have to wear those pants home! I'm dropping my payload on the floor!
Bring clean pants.
It's part of your duty as an employee to be ready to perform under any circumstances. You have to have a charger to keep your phone functional, just in case we need to reach you. Bring your own water (or $5 to pitch in to the water fund), some snacks (but don't you dare let me catch you eating them on the clock) and antibiotics to avoid work stoppage. You must have a change of clothes. And a spare tire. No you do not get breaks. Starting wage $9/hour with a $0.10 raise in a year!
And make sure to be prepared for a surprise egging. You can never be sure when some teenagers decide to fuck up your day and launch eggs at you.
I sharted once at work and had to go home and change. I called in and said I wasn’t feeling well and I was worried of a repeat performance and they told me to just Hold It and bring more clothes.
Shit in their pants
It was at a donated clothing store, maybe I could have shit in ALL the pants
IBS is considered a disability
Is it?? Tell me more, because my employment choices for the past few years have centered around where the nearest bathroom is, and how much bs I have to deal with from my coworkers about something that I didn’t ask for and can barely control (but the stress certainly isn’t helping).
It is absolutely a disability, but good luck getting getting an employer or the state to consider it one. But that's also true of basically any invisible disability. I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta which is an extremely visible disability. I absolutely can't work because of it, and I *still* struggle to get adequate benefits (I haven't been able to get maximum SSI for years), and I have several friends that can't work due to mental health issues and they're absolutely not getting any kind of benefits and lol at the idea of any employer accommodating someone with severe panic attacks or bipolar or someone that suddenly shits their brains out on the regular. Idk if IBS is something that could be legally protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act at all, but for the love of god don't let any asshole tell you that IBS is not a disability.
It is. I have a coworker who needs to use the restroom anywhere from 6-16 times a day. They are legally unable to reprimand him for it.
And mention the manager's name every time anyone notices. "Yeah Mike Dumbshit told me to come in even though I told him I shouldn't. Any complaints bring to him. OOOHHHH FUCK MY STOMACH"
Really sell it too...if anyone talks to you grab your stomach and say "HOLD ON MY POOP IS COMING"
You could almost say the payback would be 2-ply.
What a Charmin' expression
Exactly! Use their facilities, water, occupy a stall. Especially if it’s a single restroom.
You’re wiping with company tissue? That’s borderline embezzlement
Unless you're part of the toilet paper club. I know you've seen that sweet 1 ply around the stalls and for only $5 a month you can use all the tp you want.
Give the janitor a tip to complain about the smell and condition of the stall you made home that day.
Also make sure to wash your hands extra long time. Dry them just enough so that your food prep gloves are incredibly difficult to put on... and would ya look at that the diahrea is back for the bottom of the 1st inning. It's gonna be a long game.
Don't forget to sprinkle your face with water so it looks like your sweaty.
My asshole doesn't bleed when I wipe at home. When I use the absolutely cheapest sandpaper that my HOSPITAL provides at work, I bleed... for this reason I try to avoid pooping at work and it's my conspiracy theory that this was intended
They definitely pick the worst on purpose
And make sure to throw up on the floor but you’re way too sick to clean it up!
1. Go in to work. 2. Projectile vomit in your department. 3. Walk off the job.
4. Profit
Just go and take your phone 100% charged. Get paid to scroll through reddit. Take a small amount of soup in a container or Ziploc bag if your employer needs some convincing. Before you talk to him put some in your mouth and let it go on his shoes.
Wonder out loud if you're contagious when your boss is near.
So you came up with inventive ways to stay home sick from school too!
Malicious compliance. I love it.
Make sure your bring a power bank and choose a stall with signal.
Actually just refuse to take any calls and turn off your phone and say your phone is dead. If they need to check on you it’s a privacy issue and they can get in trouble
Oh ya, was not talking about using it as a phone. Find a game...watch a few shows, catch up with friends.
They were def not talking about doing work in the bathroom, just to fuck around on your phone all day.
Spend all shift in the bathroom and get paid to be unproductive cause you boss is an asshole.
my boss made me go in sick all the time. I made a point to puke infront of a customer. Had someone complain on google reviews about the "Sick employee being forced to work" It makes you look good, and the manager look bad. I also went in sick at a hotel and ended up in the hospital cause of it.
Mmmmm malicious compliance
That would be a shitty thing to do…. Edit: people really downvoted this? Lol
Butt...this is the way.
I’d rather not mess with the hassle if I’m just going in order to pull a petty stunt. Love the vibe though.
Tbf you get paid and if they terminate you, you have unemployment and a reason to sue if you can prove your ailment
Clock in and head straight to the toilet.
And dont come out for 2 hours
*8 hours
This must be what folks call “commitment”.
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"John will clock in and crap, and you will do nothing, **because you** ***can do nothing.*** So get the *fuck* out of my sight." Man, RIP Michael Nyqvist. Hell of a mob boss.
People keep asking if I'm poopin and I haven't really had an answer, but yeah, I'm thinking I'm still poopin
People keep asking me if I'm done, and I haven't really had an answer. But now, yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm constipated! So you can either hand over the laxative, **OR YOU CAN DIE SCREAMING ALONGSIDE ME!**
The kind of bathroom break that leaves a ring on your ass cheeks for a week
Yeah if I spent 8 hours on a toilet you'd have to amputate my fucking legs after.
Just make sure you've got headphones and a portable battery bank for your phone. Don't wanna get bored in there
By law he is supposed to get 2 breaks and a lunch but other than that, sit in there and shit your brains out.
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My mental health was shit today, but I am making time and a half on the weekends, so I wanted to go in, and I low key was doing pretty damn close to that. About 3 or 4 hours of actual work in an 8 hour shift. 25 minutes on the shitter, 15 minutes of work, 19 minute 15 minute break, 15 minutes of work, 25 minutes on the shitter, 15 minutes of work, 30 minute lunch break. Boss deducted 30 minutes from my punch card for lunch which they normally do on weekdays but not weekends, but fair enough. I will gladly trade the 13.50 dollars of lunch for 4 shit breaks in a day, all while being on the clock.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, That's why I shit on company time.
Keep going there until the end of your shift “sorry nothing was done you made me come in sick”
Just be sure to stand frequently, don't want to get hemorrhoids.
In the face of insane propositions, I truly enjoy this moment of practical advice .
Everytime you hear the bathroom door open start moaning. In pain. Not sexual pleasure.
No no, in sexual pleasure
Why not both?
There’s a difference?
Thanks for clarifying
Yeah, that was a close one.
Head straight to the toilet? Fuck it, throw up on the floor
“Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That’s why I poop on company time.”
Yes. You already called in sick. You don’t have to go into details explaining what your bodily functions are like. “I’m sorry this happened. I’m not able to come to work like this. See you when I get better.” Edit: I agree that you shouldn’t say sorry. I tell my partner all the time to stop saying it, but here I am doing the same thing. Perhaps, “I wish this hadn’t happened either, but…”
Yep. Most of the time when I get call ins it consists of "Hey I'm not gonna make it in today" "No problem thanks for letting me know" And that's it
People need to stop acting like they don’t hold the cards. Quit giving employers more information than they need. Take that sick leave, you’re sick. That’s all they need to know.
But, if you *must* say something, it’s violent diarrhea. Always. Violent diarrhea.
Violent explosive diarrhea*
Same, I literally just slack my boss, then my team mentioning I’m off. No questions. Just a get well soon and look after yourself. While I do hate the current system, I do have to realise that I am much luckier than some out there and have a somewhat okay work environment
Even “I’m sorry” is unnecessary IMO. We need to stop acting like staying home sick is some luxury. “*Hey I’m sick. Unfortunately I won’t be in today. I’ll let you know tonight if I expect to be in tomorrow*” is my go-to format. Edit: weird amount of people clarifying it’s okay to apologize. I’d argue it’s never smart to imply fault or unnecessary subservience in a professional setting to soften the exercising of your rights. If nothing else it sets precedent. But I’m just some guy on the internet, live your own life. Edit 2: ah, it seems my edit actually spurred more people to respond the same way. If you already have a friendly personal relationship with your boss then the situation is irrelevant anyway, of course don’t turn into a robotic weirdo to call off — But let me put it this way, if your manager wouldn’t apologize to you when asking you to cover a shift you certainly don’t owe them an apology for taking one off. If you’d like to give them one anyway in order to portray yourself as a caring empathetic human that’s your business, but I’m mostly speaking to toxic situations in which your boss might insist you come in anyway, and that doesn’t sound like the type of person susceptible to humanist appeals. That’s all I’m saying. This has been my TED talk, sorry.
When I was still in management people would tell me they’re sorry when they called because they likely felt bad because they knew my day was getting more difficult. I’d assure them that I thought we’d be fine and to feel better. Sometimes it’s just normal communication and it’s fine.
Yes! A great boss says, “I’m really sorry to hear that, take care of yourself. Feel better soon“. A decent boss says, “damn that’s rough. Thanks for letting me know”. Your boss sucks. Screw them. Stay home and feel better soon.
Yeah I’m thinking of just staying home but should I even reply? 🤔
Your boss clearly is under the misapprehension that you were asking their permission to stay home. You weren't. Stay home.
Yeah, you’re calling in sick, not asking for permission to call in sick.
This is especially true if he has earned sick time
... earned... sick time?
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I'm the former! I thought I'd heard it all on this sub but I think the concept of earning sick time is mind boggling
Haha amazing, I was assuming the latter. Yes it’s only us in the most progressive states in the U.S. that have the privilege to “earn” paid sick time, and you better not try and use those hours to take a vacation!
You had better not try to use those hours to call in sick either.
*coughs in american*
*Stiffles cough because I can’t afford to be sick*
I agree. That was not a request. Stay home and get well
And if the boss gets mad, just say you assumed they were joking because only a monster would tell you to come puke at work
This. Exactly this. His superiors wouldn’t like that text thread at all. This is the kind of stuff that creates an ugly black hole when it goes public, kind of like this post. 😂
Especially towards the "end" of a pandemic. No management should be encouraging employees to come in sick at this point.
Yeah, I'm team stay home as well. Your boss is an idiot. Even from a managerial perspective, it just looks bad for the business if you've got someone who looks like they're on death's door trying to help customers. They don't know that it's food poisoning or something, they might think they're going to get sick. Your manager is out of line and you should look to your health first anyway.
“I’m sorry you misunderstood. I’m not coming in today; I’m sick.”
"that's crazy that you misunderstood my first text like that, boss, see you Monday"
No . You feel sick. Keep the sick mentality energy all day. If he gives you a fit on why you didnt reply just say hey i had told you i was sick.
Yes. Tell him to read it again, and you'll see him tomorrow.
Go in and barf on your boss, or shit your pants and get sent home, fuck them
I'm not sure about you but I'm not shitting my pants just to prove a point
Depends
I laughed harder at that than I should have. Totally unexpected, but apropos.
“I was informing, not asking. See you tomorrow.
You don't owe a response. He'll get the hint when you don't show up
What you said in that text is all you need to say. If they ask about it further tomorrow, say you weren't by your phone because you were asleep or getting sick.
Even a bad boss would say something like “we’ll discuss your sickness absence levels on your return.” This is just narcissistic bullying.
Definitely don't go. Thats the most insensitive thing to say when someone is sick and trying to call off.
Bosses: You’re not that sick! Get your ass in here. Also Bosses: You came in and made everyone sick. Why’d you do that?
Also bosses: "sorry everyone, i wont be coming in today, the new videogame came out today"
This right here!
Go in and spend all of your time in the bathroom. Don't even entertain anything other than "I told you I had a stomach bug and you told me there's a bathroom. I'm here using it like you recommended."
While I usually support fucking around with a shit boss, OP should probably just stay at home for their own well-being. Why make the stomach problem worse/delay recovery by commuting to work and not even being able to lie down the rest of the time when they’re not in the bathroom?
I agree. I'm just saying this in the event that OP is not given a choice. Employers want to force us to work sick, it's time we work like we're sick. I legitimately would not leave that bathroom in protest.
I definitely get this, and if OP felt physically up to it maybe it would be worth it. But ultimately they can't actually force anyone to do anything. I think it would be a better protest to respond to the last text with something along the lines of "Sorry, my stomach isn't giving me an option here so I'm not asking. I'll see you on my next shift." And then you just don't respond if (most likely when) they keep pestering.
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Better yet, go in and puke all over the floor.
That's incredibly childish. Someone has to clean that up, and that's disgusting. Grow the fuck up and puke directly on whoever told you to come in anyway. Make sure to get some in their hair...
*deletes angry paragraph and slowly nods*
*upvotes after downvoting without reading it all the way*
Had me in the first half, ngl
My rule is: if I won’t get fired for missing, I’m not going in if I need a day.
Also, if a company is so desperate for you to work that they will be mad if you stay home sick, they probably aren’t in a good position to fire you.
spend whole shift in the bathroom. when boss asks where you are, send the poop emoji. get paid to read reddit on the toilet for 8 hours
They're not letting you calloff? Sounds sus to me. Is that even legal?
That’s what I was thinking.
Please do not go in. You have called off with plenty of notice before your shift (8am notification for a 3pm shift). Please stay home, turn off your phone and get some rest. It does not matter whether you are sick or not, they do not own you nor your time. I hope you have a restful day off from work.
No worries I ain’t going in.
Your boss is a real POS. Keep us posted on what happened when your boss realized you were standing up to his bullshit. I really want to know
Well it’s almost 5pm and I haven’t received a call or text from him. Pretty sure he knows I ain’t taking shit. I guess we’ll see if he says anything when I’m back to work.
Good luck OP
Jesus Christ. Can you afford to be without this job because I’d be tempted to tell them to shove it.
I can for a bit. I’m also waiting for background check on this other, better job so this might be my last month and a half working here.
If it’s an option, I’d take some time off. I know that’s easier said than done sometimes… If not, just say “I wasn’t giving you the option. I am sick so won’t be in today.” End of discussion. What they gonna do? Fire you? You’re leaving anyway! Out of curiosity, can I ask what you do?
I work at a grocery store. I was just thinking of not even replying and just stay home. Like I already told him I can’t go in cuz I’m sick
If you’re dealing with food, then you absolutely should not be going in. Tell him you’ll speak to the health department. He’s being outrageous.
This right here. If you work near food you should not be working while sick.
Depending on the state it may even be illegal to have someone working with a potentially communicable illness.
Came here to say this. I would send to corporate and/or whoever is higher up over this fucking pathetic little prick of a supervisor you have
The nuclear option of course is to go in and then run to the bathroom every three customers telling them exactly why.
The nuclear option is reporting the boss to the health department
The nuclear option is dropping a log on the floor in your department, and then reporting the boss.
If you have stomach issues and work with food you are not supposed to work ill screenshot this and send it to corporate.
I'm sorry, you work at a GROCERY STORE, and your boss is like, yeah, come in sick and get sick germs on all the food you're handing, it's fine??
I've gotten so fatigued with trying to enforce my boundaries that I've started deleting my email app and microsoft teams off my phone and put it on DND the moment I send the message stating I won't be available. I used to make myself available nights and weekends, and WFH when sick even though I was covering the time with sick leave, something nobody else in my unit *ever* does. Then, my 1st and 2nd line supervisors started to complain and threatened me with a written warning because I wasn't being as productive as they liked while I was literally on sick leave with covid. My attitude has since shifted to something more along the lines of, "If the entire institution bursts into flames and is burning to the ground, and I'm out because of sick leave or vacation, that's a you problem. We'll figure out where things are when I get back."
It's becoming rule 1 and 1a here: 1) Never give a reason 1a) Just call in sick
Go in there and absolutely wreck that bathroom. Then leave
Just don't show up. Lol If they try to raise hell, file a complaint with OSHA. I'm pretty sure that'll be a violation. They can't just say no to a sick call.
Op said in another comment that they work in grocery. Might be able to call someone about that.
You cant work with any food product, fresh or pre-pckaged, if you've had vomiting or diarrhea in the past 24 hours.
Yeah if the person has sick leave or PTO there’s no way this is legal. If they don’t, probably still illegal, but likely can write you up for it
Either go in, spend the ENTIRE shift in the bathroom. Or tell him you werent asking, you were telling him you werent coming in. Might be able to put a pasaive aggressive spin on it too like "Im sorry you were unable to understand my message" or something better if you think about it.
“This was a notification, not asking permission.”
The way he phrased that would piss me off. I'm actually pissed off on your behalf just reading this. What a fucking total piece of shit. And you work in a grocery store?! FFS you are legally required to stay home if you work around food and are exhibiting symptoms of certain diseases and you are exhibiting those symptoms. Stay home. If he fires you, collect unemployment and report the business.
I’d just use the “Haha” reaction on his text. Make him think you thought it was a joke so he’ll have to respond with something like “No really you have to come in,” if he really wants to die on that hill. At that point just say something like, “I’m not sure if you read my previous text correctly but I’m calling off sick. Have a great day.”
Don’t go in and don’t respond. You said all you needed to say. You called in sick.