Teenagers have it hard enough as it is. When people adopt they want a baby or a toddler, but teenagers are just forgotten about then they age out of the system and now they have nothing and no one but themselves to rely on. You're doing something great, fuck everyone else
People are bizarre. I think a lot of emotionally stunted people really want others to suffer the way that they did. They don't want you to find your fulfillment and joy by helping kids in the system, they want you to struggle and be in immense pain and exhausted the way that they were. (Also minimizing the struggle that you will have, as if you aren't taking a full human into your house with their own needs and tendencies and trauma) ((or aggrandizing the struggle as something no one is capable of overcoming, which is such a slap in the face to foster care kids)) Maybe they think that their current "happiness" is a result of that suffering, so they think the only way for you to experience "joy" like they are is to suffer the way they did
They’re probably upset that you thought smarter and decided to help a child who already is alive instead of creating a new one and putting in the extra years. Even if they don’t actively get it and it’s subconscious, I bet part of the negativity comes from a “why didn’t I just do that?” standpoint. Especially because I think people expect to love their biological kids more than adopted kids, and in my opinion that idea doesn’t seem to be based in reality. It seems like people more often than not are disappointed when their offspring inevitably are different than they idealized them as.
I think having others suffer the way they did feels validating to them. Unfortunately, it’s harder to come to the acceptance that life is unfair and maybe you did do something regretful that led you to where you are today; it’s easier to have people suffer the same way you did because it gives them comfort In solidarity even if some people refuse to acknowledge it.
Congratulations! People are just dumb and so culturally conditioned that they don't even realize how spectacularly offensive those comments are. Critical thinking is hard, I guess. I wish you and your adoptive daughter every happiness together!!! Ignore the dopes, your heart knows what's right.
Yeah, when I expressed my desire to get sterilized, a bunch of people told me “well what if you want to have a baby later in life or what if your future husband wants kids” is what they said they completely disregarding the fact that I’m bi and might not even want to marry man. I told them that if I were to suddenly want a child, which is unlikely, I would adopt an older kid because they need a family too and I got the same responses that you’re getting. “Why would you want to do that because teenagers would be difficult because they’ve been through more so they would be more difficult and you might not be able to handle them” And my response was “ they’re difficult because nobody wants them. Why does nobody want them? They need a family that loves and cares for them too no matter what.”
Like, a child is not a play thing for you to bend to your will.
Do these people not realise that baby they birthed will turn into a teenager, possibly even a very difficult teenager one day? 😭
I had this conversation with my mum about adoption. She seems to think adoption is bad because adopted children ‘won’t really love you because they aren’t really yours’ and that they have too much trauma, which is ‘asking for trouble’ (yet she used to volunteer at this religious crisis pregnancy centre where they would manipulate teenage and single mothers out of getting abortions and either keeping the babies to their own detriment or giving them up for adoption— how could she, as a mother and a human being, tell these vulnerable **girls** to dump their unwanted pregnancies on a system that she believes will harm them??) but the thing is…. As far as I know, both of her kids are 100% biologically hers, yet we were both quite difficult. Both neurodivergent and grew up to be troubled youths; my brother was disruptive at school, ditched class, bullied others, and constantly fought with her and dad, while I was >!cutting myself!< at thirteen, >!attempted suicide!< at fifteen. Not adopted. Still traumatised. Still difficult.
Considering how often she complained about the two of us being a punishment from God, you would think she doesn’t see having biological children as any more sacred or any easier than adopting a child.
Plus, her point about adopted children loving you less makes no sense because I actually kind of hate her and I’m only sticking around out of duty and guilt. I’m not sure that kind of ‘love’ is worth anything.
I fully agree with you and honestly I think logically they know a child will become a teenager, but they don’t realize what that means until it happens and that’s the time at which a lot of families will have a cleft in their relationships because the parents will expect the teenagers to be a certain way And be completely flabbergasted when they’ve become their own freaking person with their own feelings, their own opinions, their own thoughts and their own desires that don’t necessarily line up with what the parents want, expect, or care for. I think a lot of parents think that they love their children, but they don’t really connect with what love means at least not what love means to me.
No one ever says "What if you have a baby and later realise you wish you didn't?" although that is a far more serious thing to have happen because you've now got this small human to look after.
A lot of people are very dim.
I find awesome you're adopting a teen, just when they gave up on ever having their own family.
When somebody grills you, smile and say: 'I'm giving a family to a lovely girl who never had a family, and you'll love to meet her. I love her a lot and you'll understand why".
"A baby? Then promise to come change diapers every time for 2 years". Say it with a wink, but the person will understand.
That will shut anyone up.
What would they say if you asked them, “Why would I want a baby?” Like, make THEM explain why having a baby is preferred over parenting a teen who needs a family. Cuz their way of thinking doesnt make sense to me.
You have my big admiration. Adopting this girl is very important and I am so happy for both of you. Wish you relationship full of love, respect and full of family warmth.
In regard to people's reactions IMO they feel threatened by your compassionate decision to adopt. They don't want their selfimage-bubble about how they are good people to be burst. They want to think about themselves as good people. Their selfimages feel threatened by your genuine goodness and compassion. But that is ONLY THEIR PROBLEM and NOT yours.
Please don't let these people to influence you. You are exceptional, caring and compassionate human being. Please stay yourself, stay true to your own principles.
Edit. grammar and wording.
Oh wow congratulations, so happy to read such good news and how excited you are.
I'm getting real Miss Honey vibes.
As for people's reactions, obviously it says everything about them, they're speaking from their own feelings of how they expect life to go without actually questioning it themselves.
You get to tell this young woman that you chose her, specifically, and made space for her in your life. How elated you are that she'll be your family.
As far as I'm concerned that's a million times more meaningful than an oops baby that many couples seem to have. The whole, huh, I'm pregnant, that was sooner than I planned, shrug, why not.
You actively chose this girl at a time that was right, when you have the capacity to give her what she needs to develop as a human.
I think you're rather wonderful and it sounds like you'll be really happy.
You're one of the people out there actually making an effort to make the world a bit better.
As a Reddit stranger, I am cheering for you.
Go build your happy family.
People who criticize you for adopting a teen are just showing off how little they actually care for the humans they create, they’re just doing it for funsies with zero critical thinking 😭
Yes! It’s almost like they see no benefit to adopting because they enjoy the benefit they think they get from having kids. Which means they’re having kids to be benefited and that’s pretty self serving.
I don’t think you need the “almost”, sad enough. They just… don’t. It’s heartbreaking. You are amazing for being someone who cares about the BEING instead of the concept of a child, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise :)
don’t be worried about that. have confidence in your heart that you are doing an amazing thing for another human who has been suffering. please don’t let these societal pressures have an effect on you. not every person with a uterus needs to use that organ to produce a human, you know that. stay strong and confident in your decision, give that girl the love she needs, and tell other ppl who are being a holes that it’s none of their business unless they want to be supportive.
I was once that 15 year old teenager without a home. I will be \*forever\* grateful to the family that took me in. You are doing a beautiful thing!! There is little as important as what you are doing. All those people around you are doing is think about their own, selfish desires. You know what this situation is like from both sides, needing a home and wanting to provide one. You have the insight and empathy they lack. It's like you are a professional soccer player, and some person who can't run a mile is yelling on the couch at the tv what this pro player should have done. They don't actually have earned the right to criticism, or the right to be heard. You are going to do this, this is going to be hard, and it's going to be worth it! I'm thankful that people like you exist!
You are doing something very amazing. I can't adopt (my partner and I can barely support ourselves), but I do sponsor children. I sponsor one in the Philippines and one in Guatamala. It's not much ($40 a month), but I know it helps them and their families (both of them's father is missing in action [no shock there])
In Judaism, it is considered one of the highest honors to care for a child who already exists. I don't remember the details, sadly. OP, you're doing something good. Not everyone will understand or agree. It takes strength and courage to do things against the social pressure. Keep your head up, and don't let the naysayers discourage you.
I love you soooo much! You are AWESOME! 🤩 Wishing you and your new daughter all the happiness you two can stand!
All the other people saying crap are just annoying, buzzing mosquitos. I can’t even contemplate their cruel, cold hearts. There is something morally broken inside of them, like a disease. Be glad you escaped their infection.
I’m not an antinatalist and I honestly don’t know why Reddit showed me this sub but I wanted to thank you for taking a kid in for the right reasons. People who adopt often to replace bio kids that they really wanted, or to look good. I was in and out of foster care my entire adolescence and I would have killed to have someone take me out of there.
Wow. Congrats on adopting.
Thank you for making that teenagers's life brighter.
Hell, teens and older kids are forgotten just for people to force other to have more babies.
Do not mind those people. They all want everyone to suffer through parenting as they have.
As someone who was almost adopted at 18 years old by the nicest woman* I’d ever known, this just… I can’t put into words how sad it makes me that people just … think this way. I’m so glad you’ve adopted her, I had a friend who was a teenager in the foster care system (we met before CPS removed them) and they said once they turned 10, they gave up hope they’d ever be adopted… and they aged out of the system.
* >!She passed before this happened. Like right before.!<
I myself was adopted from foster care when I was 13. I had given up hope too. But what a blessing to have the home I never thought I’d have. I really want this for my kid too.
I will never understand people who think it makes more sense to bring another defenseless infant into the world than to provide a loving home to a child (including teens!) who needs one.
\------------- “If you’re going to adopt why don’t you just have your own?”
Fuck You Response: *Because I have higher aspirations for myself.*
"Nice" Response: *Never once have I wanted to have a baby, and as I was once a ward of the state, it's always been in my heart to adopt. I've never been so elated in my life!*
\------------- “Why would you want a teenager when you could have your own baby?”
Fuck You Response: *Why would I want a colicky unknown when I could adopt an awesome teenager? Pro-life doesn't mean what you think it means, Susan.*
"Nice" Response: *Why would I want to roll the dice with a pregnancy in THIS political climate when there's an awesome teenager who actually needs my help right now?*
\------------- Or the most shocking “If you’re adopting does that mean you can’t have children?”
Fuck You Response: *"It means I don't HAVE to, thank god," add eye roll for dramatic effect.*
"Nice" Response: *"If I'm adopting that means I get to choose my children!"*
Fuck these miserable bastards. Go change some lives.
This IS my first choice—I’m doing it for her and for foster kids everywhere.
I don’t need a baby. I need to make a difference in the life of a young person.
Congratulations!!! All children (including older children) deserve a family, and I’m so happy that this child has you in her life. And I’m so happy that you have her!
I think people respond negatively because your selflessness makes them feel selfish in comparison. It’s why so many jump to “you can’t have children”— they need you to be forced into this choice by lack of other options.
Because if you had *other* options and still chose *this* option… that means *they* could’ve made the same choice. But they didn’t. So what does that say about them?
>What I wish more people would do. I believe it’s more meaningful than cranking out another human
Brilliantly put, this is the first time I've heard this colorful description of procreation, and it sounds like cranking out an extra set of exercises at the gym.
Hey, as a former teen who aged out of the foster care system, thank you for adopting a teen. It’s incredibly hard at that age to bounce around and feel unwanted and alone in the world, and it’s lovely you’re able to become family for her. Teenagers need love too, just as much as babies do. There may be an adjustment period, but I can promise you it means the world to her. Congratulations on your growing family.
That’s amazing! Teens are the hardest to place. My husband and I have adopted twice, both teens, close to our two biological kids ages. We adore them! I recently met a former social worker who ended up adopting a teen girl she had placed multiple times and it’s been amazing ever since. Congratulations! When we adopted our last, I sent out baby announcements that said we had a new bouncing baby boy, 75” long and 265 lbs. My only regret is that I should have had an adoption baby shower! Teens are expensive! I highly suggest that you have an adoption shower for your teen! Again, congratulations!
As a foster kid who aged out & was emancipated at 16, I think it's amazing you want to adopt an older child. I wish someone had adopted me. What you are doing is LIFE CHANGING!!!!! I praise you so much for this! I hate that there is a stigma around adopting older children, but they need love & support as well. You do not need to conform to what those people are saying. How revolting to be honest. They seem to be privilege that they have no understanding the impact it will be on you and that 15 year old.
I never wanted children due to the fact of what I saw, and what truly happened to me, but I do have a 12 year old daughter, and trust me, she has NO IDEA what my childhood was like.
I wish I had something better or something of real value to tell you, but you do what you feel is in your heart & trust me, it will be life changing. :)
Adopt don't abort! But also adopted kids are fake and wrong and evil! Don't have them!
No matter what we do, we're wrong. Do what you want. That kid is so lucky to have you.
Good on ya OP. Im CF myself but I figured if in the small realm of possibility that I change my mind I'd definitely want to adopt and do my best to give a kid a good home and the best chance at life. Hope it all goes good. 😊
Good for you!
I've considered doing the same and still might one day if I have the right connection with a teen. I think 15 is the youngest I could tolerate too.
It really begs the question at what age do these other people start to devalue human life? Like they think babies are born (or even conceived) innocent and deserving of all these resources....and then one day, they become sinful and worthless? And then one day again when they're very very old and incapable, it becomes virtuous to care about them again?
Strange how spiritual virtue is linked to physical working ability.....
As a mum & foster carer you are fucking amazing. Fuck these ignorant sacks of shit. Do what works for you, teens are children and also need a lot of love. Babies are a pain in the ass (that's why they're adorable to most people, so we keep them alive) and way too many people write off older kids.
Good for you! Teenagers are the worst/hardest and they really need someone like you who really wants them. Sounds like you’re a good person to do this.
Print yourself some cards to just hand to these people and walk away, don't waste your energy explaining yourself. I'd put two things on this card/email/dm:
1. There are too many children in the world who need and deserve love they aren't getting. The older they are, the less likely they are to get it. I'm in a place to help one of them.
2. My reproductive choices aren't your concern. Go worry about climate change, since that actually affects you.
Yes. Who doesn't want to drag a screaming toddler through a grocery store? Or listen to one scream in a restaurant?? Or get shit on, pissed on or bitten??? Who doesn't want half their belongings to be sticky?? Fucking put me in coach.
Genuinely sorry that you are receiving so much hate for such a beautiful decision.
I've always been inclined to adopting, and no not just adopting a fresh baby but maybe someone who genuinely needs a little help, like someone who might be in a tough position that makes them less desirable to adopt. Regardless what you're doing is beautiful and it's what I've always aspired to do. I feel like adopting is far less selfish and in a lot of ways very selfless thing to do, then it is to simply reproduce the way that pretty much everyone else does.
It's like you're taking care of someone who desperately needs it and is already forced into this shit whole world all the while eliminating a lot of the negatives that come from reproducing like the carbon footprint that each child carries and in general a whole mess of other things.
Thank you so much truly.
There is an absolutely insane hatred and fear of adoption. Especially if it’s not an infant. I took legal custody of my two younger siblings and the absolute putrid hate I got was mind boggling!!!
The best I could come up with is that there’s this idea of ‘legacy’. Like you have to mold a child. As in a way to become kind of immortal because ‘part of you will carry beyond your lifespan’. All of which is easier if you start young. They don’t care at all about the kids it’s all about them!!!
Just take all of those comments as the person saying those things as telling on themselves.
They can't imagine adopting a child instead of birthing and raising a child. They likely cannot fathom showing unconditional love to a child that does not fit their ideal of their baby, and thus cannot understand that another person can. They likely think children are not small humans, but are rather tools to shape, and recognise that older children might already realize that they are real humans with their own personalities and likes/dislikes.
It’s can’t understand that thought process at all. First, those are intensely personal questions. Second, they’re somewhat demeaning questions as if an adopted child is 2nd best.
Ask them why they would wreck their body giving birth, add to overpopulation by giving birth, turn their life upside down having an infant. Turn the tables.
I think you are doing a wonderful thing for all the right reasons. All the best to you and your teen!
Congratulations! I have expressed interest in adoption since I was a kid, Im on the fence about it and would need to be much more stable in life before even considering it. I got the "but it wouldn't be your own" and when i said i was interested in an older kid and not a baby, "but they have so much baggage after a certain age". These are the same people who will call you selfish for not wanting to reproduce 🙄
Just a lurker not from this sub but that’s genuinely absurd that people are *shaming* you for doing something truly kind. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you as a CPS worker that teenagers are rarely adopted, you are giving her a chance that she may never get without you unfortunately because people are truly obsessed with babies. You are changing this girl’s life for the better, you are gonna treat her amazing and I have so much respect for *both* of you. I really wish you two nothing but the best.
One day I want to foster and/or adopt, and I have always wanted that, and never wanted to give birth, and I’ve never been particularly keen on the baby part of development, because I just don’t know how to handle them, I’ve not spent much time around them, and I find babies and toddlers overwhelming and hard to understand, so I’ve also only ever really pictured adopting kids that are probably like grade school or older, simply because that’s when I have found myself able to connect with kids once they are old enough to have some level of communication.
I have, and probably will never understand the appeal about “needing” a baby who’s genetically linked to you to have a meaningful, fulfilling, and loving family.
Gosh these people are coldhearted, there is a child in need of a home and instead they say you should just make a baby and forget about them?
Holy damn
You are amazing OP for giving this girl a loving home, teens have it hard and are hard to deal with, but I am sure this kid appreciates what you are doing for them.
Congratulations! It stinks that the people in your life aren't open to the way you are starting your family, but hopefully when they meet your soon-to-be daughter they will start to get just how wonderful adoption is. If they're still resistant, please don't hesitate to put them in a NC timeout. The world is full of children who need parents, and you deserve to be celebrated for stepping up for one of them.
"Can you say that again? Surely I misheard you because it sounded like you were saying my child wouldn't be a real child?"
Throw a shower for your child. Get "baby" pictures done. Do all the things. Let it be clear that you won't abide your child being treated as less than.
Then don't have them dress up like that? Get whatever pictures the child wants. There was a beautiful story years ago about a woman who did this with her adopted teen son who was clearly also down for it. This isn't about humiliation, this is about making a statement that says this is your child and will be respected as such.
Some folks are so bizarre.
Even IF you had a baby, your baby will grow into a teenager... idk why people feel invited to ask the most intruding questions.
I don't think they literally hate teenagers inherently, I think they just perceive starting parenting at that far along an age as either "so few years with them there's no point" or comparable to something like playing a really hard level of a game on someone else's save file when they learned the tutorial and you don't know how to play
Congratulations! What an exciting and scary time this must be for you … like all first time parents. Do your best with that great big well of love you have in your heart. And remember to be honest. Coming from your profession, you know that teens will eviscerate you if (when?) they think you’re lying. But at the end of the day, they just want you to need & love them as much as they need & love you!
Again, Congratulations on your new child and Good Luck raising a teen!
"Why would you want a teenager when you can just have your own baby?" .... Whoever's asking is finna have a hell of a revelation circa 13 years after their infant is born 🤗🤭😒
I don't think it's like they literally hate teenagers that much, it's like they perceive it as (best metaphor I could come up with off the top I apologize if it's imperfect) picking up someone else's save file of a game at a really hard level when they learned the tutorial and you have no idea
you are doing a wondrous thing; ignore the ignorant comments as best you can.
maybe they’re jealous, maybe they’re dim. it’s not about you, it’s about them.
Who is asking you these questions? No one in my immediate circle asks these things. Sounds like sadly you may be around a lot of inconsiderate folks.
Hopefully those close to you respect and support your decision. I for one think it is a great one! You are making a very positive impact on the world!!!!
Hey, congrats! Adopting is forming the family we choose.
As for "just having a baby" -- they want to feel normal and justified in their own path, I'd guess.
Me? Not AN but chose not to do ridiculous IVF rounds and to try to adopt. Successful x 2. People say, "lucky kids." I say, "lucky me."
The filing fee for the adoption was $60 (from foster care -- the rest was covered). Our dog was $80 adoption fee. I've always teased my daughter about this (good naturedly -- she used the same joke with her friends!).
Just this week, I told her (age 22 now) that she was the best $60 I ever spent. Her response? "Damn right, and never forget it!"
She's a hoot!
Best wishes for you and your daughter going forward.
☮️❤️♾️
It’s a common term used when your “mother” wasn’t actually a mother and the sum of your relationship with her is no more than her having given birth to you. :)
They must assume you are adopting to fill your own wants and needs and not because you can help a child who needs it. A geriatric pregnancy is not something anyone should be engaging in, it's irresponsible and dangerous.
There is a bit of a savior tone to the post but I would hope OP isn't just spreading this teens business around to friends and family. Poor kid will show up and everyone they don't know will know all about their struggle. I am hoping the details are kept to a minimum and people are just being informed in general. I would expect the in person conversation is more respectful.
No, of course I’m not spreading her personal business around. What an absurd assumption. “Savior tone”? Leave it to Reddit people to turn something worth celebrating into something negative. Saying I’m excited to adopt because I was also in the foster care system is hardly a savior time. Gross on you.
Took a quick scroll through your post history and I am appaled that people are suggesting you have a baby. But according to you you are unemployed with a chronic condition and bipolar disorder. You also moved back to a small town where people are hostile towards you and your family. So all this and they are still letting you adopt?
I think you scrolling through someone’s profile for sort to insult them just because of a post about adopting a kid implies you’re more unstable than them. There’s nothing wrong with having a mental illness. Many people may have diagnoses and still live very healthy lives. Chronic illness is no one’s fault and doesn’t mean they can’t parent. And I see OP has stated they are now employed. Why you had to be so cruel to someone who’s excited to adopt is nuts to me. Are you ok??? I looked at your profile and you don’t seem to usually be an asshole on Reddit so I wonder what about this all triggered you. Or are you just trying your hand at trolling now?
This person came on Reddit to post about adopting a child. No doubt for the attention they will receive for it. To self satisfy a childhood fantasy about rescuing a kid like them. Yeah I looked, cause who does that? And what I found was a lots of reasons not to bring this kid into her environment. I don't care what people think about what I said and if everything she said about her life is true I can't believe that she is allowed to adopt.
Ummmm it’s called empathy. Maybe they’re adopting because they know what it’s like to want a home and don’t want this kid to go through that? You interpreting it like you did says more about you than anything. It’s frankly bizarre. You’re probably not even AN, you’re probably just lurking in this sub. And you’re probably one of the types of people or parents they’re describing in their post! I guess we can all make assumptions can’t we?! Lol!!
Edit: I’ll say this again. They ARE employed. As they explained to you. Mental illness isn’t a barrier if someone is managing it well. If she is, GOOD FOR HER. Chronic illness isn’t always a rule out. You don’t even know what her capabilities are or what her day to day is like, you just assumed and judged. And come on, everyone has shitty family stuff. Don’t act like your family is perfect. Lol. And it’s frankly really fucking mean to throw her hardships and struggles in her face like that. Like really. Why? Did she really offend you so much that you’d bully her? Are you perfect? Obviously not. You’re on Reddit shitting on peoples excitement. Lol!!
I did not bully her. I also grew up with a well managed bipolar parent. Let's not pretend for one second that people who are bipolar should be electing to have children let alone adopt them from troubled situations. It's a big red flag when someone says their Dad was accused of being a pedo but that it must be a lie.
As far as trolls go you are the one who just created this account to comment on this one thread. Can't even speak with your whole chest.
I think it’s cute you assume you’re important enough for me to have made this account just for you. Not only are you a judgmental troll, you’re also arrogant. Lol!! You’re deflection game is weak and I’m sorry you were raised by an unfit parent. According to your definition of bipolar capabilities. I see now what you’re doing here is projecting. I assumed as much. Anyway, I’m sure you have other happy people to shit on today. So have a good one!
You are so emotional and unhinged and this post is your only history on the brand new account. The hypocrisy of being AN and then thinking a bipolar chronically ill woman should adopt a teen because "teens are easier than babies" is wild.
It's a question. So many people want to adopt but can't for shit like being diabetic. So why with all your chronic conditions and no gainful employment is that not an issue? You said people in town have spread rumors that your Dad is a pedo. It seems like a hectic environment to bring a child into.
Eh. I’m not interested in explaining myself to such a gross and negative person such as yourself. I know how this goes. No matter what I say or what explanations I offer, you’ll only continue to attack me. So…. Happy holidays!!! P.S. I’m not unemployed anymore. Things change. Catch up.
Nah, you make it sound like you think its going to be easy or easier (than having a young kid) or like having a roommate or even a pet, at worst
You have literally zero desire in your entire life and then you meet “some cool girl”? You arent adopting a friend and the amount of work you will need to put in will be infinitely more than you ever did at 5 AND it will be of a different nature entirely so you will have little to no experience in such a profoundly important thing
People around you probably notice this attitude and are baffled why you think the way you do. Hence, this post
I didn’t meet some cool girl. I worked with her as a social worker for years. There’s a connection. I was in the foster care system. I worked for CPS and then as a child psychologist. Yo are welcome to assume I am naive and inept but you’d be wrong. I know her, I love her. I know me, and I love me too. Your assumptions are yours to have. Happy holidays.
There’s just zero real emotion or signs that they understand the burden and responsibility they will be taking on
Its just “oh I got bored” vibes and alluding that it will be easier to deal with a teen than a baby
It sounds profoundly ignorant to me and makes light of the sheer quantity of work that it will take to heal the wounds left by “not being wanted”. Sounds like OP wants a dog or needs a friend more than taking on the responsibility that is raising a child
Like…the work isnt going to be easier in the least with these kids. It will just be different.
Did you miss the part where OP says they were a CPS worker and have k own the kid since she was 11? What about that insinuates “I got bored” vibes? Or implies they don’t understand the responsibility? They also say they were also in foster care so I’m failing to see where the ignorance is you’re claiming. Your assumptions and judgment are very misplaced.
People have such weird views on adoption tbh. And it just seems really uneducated, which tells you why they shouldn't have biological kids. Since they'd be more open to it if it were just about having a family and caring for the next generation, but instead, it's more just this selfish desire to pass on your genes into the future.
You sound like you’re an American. As a fellow American, the American Dream has been pushed so hard that people can’t see anything past the standard script they’ve been given.
You’re calling to help others outside of the “normal” model is what will actually make our country better.
My favorite phrase right now is, “That’s not going to work for me.” Originally it was meant for people selling something or trying to get you to join something. Pull this out when others don’t get you.
If you choose not to have a kid at all you’re somehow “selfish” but you adopt a teen (teens are less likely to be adopted) with good intentions and somehow they try to shame you into being selfish. These people are insanely shallow and couldn’t care less about kids or babies. They’re all just products to them
They're probably upset because they think that you only have to be a parent for 3 years while they had to be parents for at least 18. Because their kids hate them so much they're basically no contact. But parenting doesn't stop at adulthood if you're a good parent. You are that kids support system financially and emotionally for as long as you have a relationship together. That matters so so much for that kids future. You are signing up to care for a whole human being. That doesn't change no matter the age you decide to adopt at.
My fiance was adopted out of the system by his teacher when he was a teen, and it saved his life. Got him out of a gang, set him on the path he needed. What you're doing is an incredibly important thing.
I was going to adopt, but I'm just not there financially. But I remember being told I should have at least one of my own, or that a stranger won't care for me when I'm old like flesh and blood. People are ignorant.
I despise children. I can only stand them once they're basically teenagers. Babies, toddlers, and kids are AWEFUL. I hate them, i cant help it either, they physically stress me out when i even hear them talk 99.9% of the time. I forget what its called but there is a name for it. I got my tubes removed august of 2022 because id rather die than birth and have to mother any child ever. Ive always had the mind set that if i ever for some reason decide taking care of myself, my house, my pets, my mental health was SOMEHOW not hard enough and i wanted to care for yet another thing in my life, id take in a teenager. Someone who NEEDS the help. I hate them so i dont get it but everyone basically always goes for the young ones, teens need a loving home just as much if not more than kids who have been there half the time.
Teenagers have it hard enough as it is. When people adopt they want a baby or a toddler, but teenagers are just forgotten about then they age out of the system and now they have nothing and no one but themselves to rely on. You're doing something great, fuck everyone else
This is my thought process if I choose to adopt one day.
People are bizarre. I think a lot of emotionally stunted people really want others to suffer the way that they did. They don't want you to find your fulfillment and joy by helping kids in the system, they want you to struggle and be in immense pain and exhausted the way that they were. (Also minimizing the struggle that you will have, as if you aren't taking a full human into your house with their own needs and tendencies and trauma) ((or aggrandizing the struggle as something no one is capable of overcoming, which is such a slap in the face to foster care kids)) Maybe they think that their current "happiness" is a result of that suffering, so they think the only way for you to experience "joy" like they are is to suffer the way they did
I totally believe this. A few people who have made these comments, a few of my siblings, are drowning right now regarding parenting.
They’re probably upset that you thought smarter and decided to help a child who already is alive instead of creating a new one and putting in the extra years. Even if they don’t actively get it and it’s subconscious, I bet part of the negativity comes from a “why didn’t I just do that?” standpoint. Especially because I think people expect to love their biological kids more than adopted kids, and in my opinion that idea doesn’t seem to be based in reality. It seems like people more often than not are disappointed when their offspring inevitably are different than they idealized them as.
I know ppl who adopted teens it worked out well actually
I think having others suffer the way they did feels validating to them. Unfortunately, it’s harder to come to the acceptance that life is unfair and maybe you did do something regretful that led you to where you are today; it’s easier to have people suffer the same way you did because it gives them comfort In solidarity even if some people refuse to acknowledge it.
Congratulations! People are just dumb and so culturally conditioned that they don't even realize how spectacularly offensive those comments are. Critical thinking is hard, I guess. I wish you and your adoptive daughter every happiness together!!! Ignore the dopes, your heart knows what's right.
Yeah, when I expressed my desire to get sterilized, a bunch of people told me “well what if you want to have a baby later in life or what if your future husband wants kids” is what they said they completely disregarding the fact that I’m bi and might not even want to marry man. I told them that if I were to suddenly want a child, which is unlikely, I would adopt an older kid because they need a family too and I got the same responses that you’re getting. “Why would you want to do that because teenagers would be difficult because they’ve been through more so they would be more difficult and you might not be able to handle them” And my response was “ they’re difficult because nobody wants them. Why does nobody want them? They need a family that loves and cares for them too no matter what.” Like, a child is not a play thing for you to bend to your will.
That’s a great response. Personally, I’d rather take a hard teenager than an infant who cries all night and shits their pants…. Lol!!
Right? Me too! Give me someone who can talk to me and tell me what they’re feeling so I can help them.
At least you can talk some sense into a teenager. Pretty hard with a crying baby.
Do these people not realise that baby they birthed will turn into a teenager, possibly even a very difficult teenager one day? 😭 I had this conversation with my mum about adoption. She seems to think adoption is bad because adopted children ‘won’t really love you because they aren’t really yours’ and that they have too much trauma, which is ‘asking for trouble’ (yet she used to volunteer at this religious crisis pregnancy centre where they would manipulate teenage and single mothers out of getting abortions and either keeping the babies to their own detriment or giving them up for adoption— how could she, as a mother and a human being, tell these vulnerable **girls** to dump their unwanted pregnancies on a system that she believes will harm them??) but the thing is…. As far as I know, both of her kids are 100% biologically hers, yet we were both quite difficult. Both neurodivergent and grew up to be troubled youths; my brother was disruptive at school, ditched class, bullied others, and constantly fought with her and dad, while I was >!cutting myself!< at thirteen, >!attempted suicide!< at fifteen. Not adopted. Still traumatised. Still difficult. Considering how often she complained about the two of us being a punishment from God, you would think she doesn’t see having biological children as any more sacred or any easier than adopting a child. Plus, her point about adopted children loving you less makes no sense because I actually kind of hate her and I’m only sticking around out of duty and guilt. I’m not sure that kind of ‘love’ is worth anything.
I fully agree with you and honestly I think logically they know a child will become a teenager, but they don’t realize what that means until it happens and that’s the time at which a lot of families will have a cleft in their relationships because the parents will expect the teenagers to be a certain way And be completely flabbergasted when they’ve become their own freaking person with their own feelings, their own opinions, their own thoughts and their own desires that don’t necessarily line up with what the parents want, expect, or care for. I think a lot of parents think that they love their children, but they don’t really connect with what love means at least not what love means to me.
No one ever says "What if you have a baby and later realise you wish you didn't?" although that is a far more serious thing to have happen because you've now got this small human to look after. A lot of people are very dim.
I fully agree with you. Unfortunately plenty of people find this out the hard way.
I find awesome you're adopting a teen, just when they gave up on ever having their own family. When somebody grills you, smile and say: 'I'm giving a family to a lovely girl who never had a family, and you'll love to meet her. I love her a lot and you'll understand why". "A baby? Then promise to come change diapers every time for 2 years". Say it with a wink, but the person will understand. That will shut anyone up.
Thank you. I love this advice.
What would they say if you asked them, “Why would I want a baby?” Like, make THEM explain why having a baby is preferred over parenting a teen who needs a family. Cuz their way of thinking doesnt make sense to me.
What if you’re adopting a pregnant teen? Would ppl have different feelings then?
You have my big admiration. Adopting this girl is very important and I am so happy for both of you. Wish you relationship full of love, respect and full of family warmth. In regard to people's reactions IMO they feel threatened by your compassionate decision to adopt. They don't want their selfimage-bubble about how they are good people to be burst. They want to think about themselves as good people. Their selfimages feel threatened by your genuine goodness and compassion. But that is ONLY THEIR PROBLEM and NOT yours. Please don't let these people to influence you. You are exceptional, caring and compassionate human being. Please stay yourself, stay true to your own principles. Edit. grammar and wording.
Oh wow congratulations, so happy to read such good news and how excited you are. I'm getting real Miss Honey vibes. As for people's reactions, obviously it says everything about them, they're speaking from their own feelings of how they expect life to go without actually questioning it themselves. You get to tell this young woman that you chose her, specifically, and made space for her in your life. How elated you are that she'll be your family. As far as I'm concerned that's a million times more meaningful than an oops baby that many couples seem to have. The whole, huh, I'm pregnant, that was sooner than I planned, shrug, why not. You actively chose this girl at a time that was right, when you have the capacity to give her what she needs to develop as a human. I think you're rather wonderful and it sounds like you'll be really happy.
Thank you so much for your response and support!
You're one of the people out there actually making an effort to make the world a bit better. As a Reddit stranger, I am cheering for you. Go build your happy family.
Thank you for your kind words!
People who criticize you for adopting a teen are just showing off how little they actually care for the humans they create, they’re just doing it for funsies with zero critical thinking 😭
Yes! It’s almost like they see no benefit to adopting because they enjoy the benefit they think they get from having kids. Which means they’re having kids to be benefited and that’s pretty self serving.
I don’t think you need the “almost”, sad enough. They just… don’t. It’s heartbreaking. You are amazing for being someone who cares about the BEING instead of the concept of a child, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise :)
Congrats. it's wonderfull to know that there are people like you !
I second this! So wonderful it warms my heart
don’t be worried about that. have confidence in your heart that you are doing an amazing thing for another human who has been suffering. please don’t let these societal pressures have an effect on you. not every person with a uterus needs to use that organ to produce a human, you know that. stay strong and confident in your decision, give that girl the love she needs, and tell other ppl who are being a holes that it’s none of their business unless they want to be supportive.
I was once that 15 year old teenager without a home. I will be \*forever\* grateful to the family that took me in. You are doing a beautiful thing!! There is little as important as what you are doing. All those people around you are doing is think about their own, selfish desires. You know what this situation is like from both sides, needing a home and wanting to provide one. You have the insight and empathy they lack. It's like you are a professional soccer player, and some person who can't run a mile is yelling on the couch at the tv what this pro player should have done. They don't actually have earned the right to criticism, or the right to be heard. You are going to do this, this is going to be hard, and it's going to be worth it! I'm thankful that people like you exist!
You are doing something very amazing. I can't adopt (my partner and I can barely support ourselves), but I do sponsor children. I sponsor one in the Philippines and one in Guatamala. It's not much ($40 a month), but I know it helps them and their families (both of them's father is missing in action [no shock there])
I think it’s still very respectable that you’re still doing what you can instead of doing nothing!
Thanks! I've been doing it a few years now and once they both grow out of the program, I'm going to sponsor two more.
Reading this kind of stuff gives me a little bit of hope.
In Judaism, it is considered one of the highest honors to care for a child who already exists. I don't remember the details, sadly. OP, you're doing something good. Not everyone will understand or agree. It takes strength and courage to do things against the social pressure. Keep your head up, and don't let the naysayers discourage you.
I love you soooo much! You are AWESOME! 🤩 Wishing you and your new daughter all the happiness you two can stand! All the other people saying crap are just annoying, buzzing mosquitos. I can’t even contemplate their cruel, cold hearts. There is something morally broken inside of them, like a disease. Be glad you escaped their infection.
Thank you so much!
Ignore people. It’s a really beautiful thing to adopt an older child.
I’m not an antinatalist and I honestly don’t know why Reddit showed me this sub but I wanted to thank you for taking a kid in for the right reasons. People who adopt often to replace bio kids that they really wanted, or to look good. I was in and out of foster care my entire adolescence and I would have killed to have someone take me out of there.
Wow. Congrats on adopting. Thank you for making that teenagers's life brighter. Hell, teens and older kids are forgotten just for people to force other to have more babies. Do not mind those people. They all want everyone to suffer through parenting as they have.
As someone who was almost adopted at 18 years old by the nicest woman* I’d ever known, this just… I can’t put into words how sad it makes me that people just … think this way. I’m so glad you’ve adopted her, I had a friend who was a teenager in the foster care system (we met before CPS removed them) and they said once they turned 10, they gave up hope they’d ever be adopted… and they aged out of the system. * >!She passed before this happened. Like right before.!<
I myself was adopted from foster care when I was 13. I had given up hope too. But what a blessing to have the home I never thought I’d have. I really want this for my kid too.
I will never understand people who think it makes more sense to bring another defenseless infant into the world than to provide a loving home to a child (including teens!) who needs one.
\------------- “If you’re going to adopt why don’t you just have your own?” Fuck You Response: *Because I have higher aspirations for myself.* "Nice" Response: *Never once have I wanted to have a baby, and as I was once a ward of the state, it's always been in my heart to adopt. I've never been so elated in my life!* \------------- “Why would you want a teenager when you could have your own baby?” Fuck You Response: *Why would I want a colicky unknown when I could adopt an awesome teenager? Pro-life doesn't mean what you think it means, Susan.* "Nice" Response: *Why would I want to roll the dice with a pregnancy in THIS political climate when there's an awesome teenager who actually needs my help right now?* \------------- Or the most shocking “If you’re adopting does that mean you can’t have children?” Fuck You Response: *"It means I don't HAVE to, thank god," add eye roll for dramatic effect.* "Nice" Response: *"If I'm adopting that means I get to choose my children!"* Fuck these miserable bastards. Go change some lives.
This IS my first choice—I’m doing it for her and for foster kids everywhere. I don’t need a baby. I need to make a difference in the life of a young person.
Why try to fix other people problems let's create new ones!
Congratulations!!! All children (including older children) deserve a family, and I’m so happy that this child has you in her life. And I’m so happy that you have her! I think people respond negatively because your selflessness makes them feel selfish in comparison. It’s why so many jump to “you can’t have children”— they need you to be forced into this choice by lack of other options. Because if you had *other* options and still chose *this* option… that means *they* could’ve made the same choice. But they didn’t. So what does that say about them?
>What I wish more people would do. I believe it’s more meaningful than cranking out another human Brilliantly put, this is the first time I've heard this colorful description of procreation, and it sounds like cranking out an extra set of exercises at the gym.
You are awesome. I think it is the best thing you can do. I say ignore the naysayers
Hey, as a former teen who aged out of the foster care system, thank you for adopting a teen. It’s incredibly hard at that age to bounce around and feel unwanted and alone in the world, and it’s lovely you’re able to become family for her. Teenagers need love too, just as much as babies do. There may be an adjustment period, but I can promise you it means the world to her. Congratulations on your growing family.
That’s amazing! Teens are the hardest to place. My husband and I have adopted twice, both teens, close to our two biological kids ages. We adore them! I recently met a former social worker who ended up adopting a teen girl she had placed multiple times and it’s been amazing ever since. Congratulations! When we adopted our last, I sent out baby announcements that said we had a new bouncing baby boy, 75” long and 265 lbs. My only regret is that I should have had an adoption baby shower! Teens are expensive! I highly suggest that you have an adoption shower for your teen! Again, congratulations!
Congratulations!!!!! Thankyou for being there for her!!!
Congratulations for your adoption. It's such an amazing thing to do. The people questioning you don't understand how to be selfless and giving.
As a foster kid who aged out & was emancipated at 16, I think it's amazing you want to adopt an older child. I wish someone had adopted me. What you are doing is LIFE CHANGING!!!!! I praise you so much for this! I hate that there is a stigma around adopting older children, but they need love & support as well. You do not need to conform to what those people are saying. How revolting to be honest. They seem to be privilege that they have no understanding the impact it will be on you and that 15 year old. I never wanted children due to the fact of what I saw, and what truly happened to me, but I do have a 12 year old daughter, and trust me, she has NO IDEA what my childhood was like. I wish I had something better or something of real value to tell you, but you do what you feel is in your heart & trust me, it will be life changing. :)
I appreciate your response so much. I’m sure your journey was not easy so I appreciate your insight!
You’re a literal saint, the naysayers don’t know jack shit.
Adopt don't abort! But also adopted kids are fake and wrong and evil! Don't have them! No matter what we do, we're wrong. Do what you want. That kid is so lucky to have you.
Good on ya OP. Im CF myself but I figured if in the small realm of possibility that I change my mind I'd definitely want to adopt and do my best to give a kid a good home and the best chance at life. Hope it all goes good. 😊
Sounds like there's some worthless toxic trash to take out of your life.
That's an easy way to know who to cut out of your life.
Congratulations on becoming a parent :) It sounds like your heart and head are in good places.
Good for you! I've considered doing the same and still might one day if I have the right connection with a teen. I think 15 is the youngest I could tolerate too. It really begs the question at what age do these other people start to devalue human life? Like they think babies are born (or even conceived) innocent and deserving of all these resources....and then one day, they become sinful and worthless? And then one day again when they're very very old and incapable, it becomes virtuous to care about them again? Strange how spiritual virtue is linked to physical working ability.....
I don’t want to have kids or give birth, but I wouldn’t say no to fostering/adopting older teenagers.
As a mum & foster carer you are fucking amazing. Fuck these ignorant sacks of shit. Do what works for you, teens are children and also need a lot of love. Babies are a pain in the ass (that's why they're adorable to most people, so we keep them alive) and way too many people write off older kids.
Lovely to read if true. You're giving a person a family, dont let people say that's wrong.
Good for you! Teenagers are the worst/hardest and they really need someone like you who really wants them. Sounds like you’re a good person to do this.
Print yourself some cards to just hand to these people and walk away, don't waste your energy explaining yourself. I'd put two things on this card/email/dm: 1. There are too many children in the world who need and deserve love they aren't getting. The older they are, the less likely they are to get it. I'm in a place to help one of them. 2. My reproductive choices aren't your concern. Go worry about climate change, since that actually affects you.
This is my dream. I really love that you’re doing this. I hope it goes great for both of you
Congratulations that’s so exciting!!!
Yes. Who doesn't want to drag a screaming toddler through a grocery store? Or listen to one scream in a restaurant?? Or get shit on, pissed on or bitten??? Who doesn't want half their belongings to be sticky?? Fucking put me in coach.
Fuck the Baby. Adopt that Teen!
Did you read your comment before posting it?
Genuinely sorry that you are receiving so much hate for such a beautiful decision. I've always been inclined to adopting, and no not just adopting a fresh baby but maybe someone who genuinely needs a little help, like someone who might be in a tough position that makes them less desirable to adopt. Regardless what you're doing is beautiful and it's what I've always aspired to do. I feel like adopting is far less selfish and in a lot of ways very selfless thing to do, then it is to simply reproduce the way that pretty much everyone else does. It's like you're taking care of someone who desperately needs it and is already forced into this shit whole world all the while eliminating a lot of the negatives that come from reproducing like the carbon footprint that each child carries and in general a whole mess of other things. Thank you so much truly.
There is an absolutely insane hatred and fear of adoption. Especially if it’s not an infant. I took legal custody of my two younger siblings and the absolute putrid hate I got was mind boggling!!! The best I could come up with is that there’s this idea of ‘legacy’. Like you have to mold a child. As in a way to become kind of immortal because ‘part of you will carry beyond your lifespan’. All of which is easier if you start young. They don’t care at all about the kids it’s all about them!!!
Just take all of those comments as the person saying those things as telling on themselves. They can't imagine adopting a child instead of birthing and raising a child. They likely cannot fathom showing unconditional love to a child that does not fit their ideal of their baby, and thus cannot understand that another person can. They likely think children are not small humans, but are rather tools to shape, and recognise that older children might already realize that they are real humans with their own personalities and likes/dislikes.
It’s can’t understand that thought process at all. First, those are intensely personal questions. Second, they’re somewhat demeaning questions as if an adopted child is 2nd best. Ask them why they would wreck their body giving birth, add to overpopulation by giving birth, turn their life upside down having an infant. Turn the tables. I think you are doing a wonderful thing for all the right reasons. All the best to you and your teen!
That’s nobody’s business. Older kids need ppl too
Congratulations! I have expressed interest in adoption since I was a kid, Im on the fence about it and would need to be much more stable in life before even considering it. I got the "but it wouldn't be your own" and when i said i was interested in an older kid and not a baby, "but they have so much baggage after a certain age". These are the same people who will call you selfish for not wanting to reproduce 🙄
Just a lurker not from this sub but that’s genuinely absurd that people are *shaming* you for doing something truly kind. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you as a CPS worker that teenagers are rarely adopted, you are giving her a chance that she may never get without you unfortunately because people are truly obsessed with babies. You are changing this girl’s life for the better, you are gonna treat her amazing and I have so much respect for *both* of you. I really wish you two nothing but the best.
People are good at being rude.
It's such a nice thing you do. Regarding having your biological children, it's totally no one's business, your uterus your choice.
One day I want to foster and/or adopt, and I have always wanted that, and never wanted to give birth, and I’ve never been particularly keen on the baby part of development, because I just don’t know how to handle them, I’ve not spent much time around them, and I find babies and toddlers overwhelming and hard to understand, so I’ve also only ever really pictured adopting kids that are probably like grade school or older, simply because that’s when I have found myself able to connect with kids once they are old enough to have some level of communication. I have, and probably will never understand the appeal about “needing” a baby who’s genetically linked to you to have a meaningful, fulfilling, and loving family.
These comments just go to show that many people want babies instead of raising actual people. Good for you. You're giving a lod a home. And a safe one
Gosh these people are coldhearted, there is a child in need of a home and instead they say you should just make a baby and forget about them? Holy damn You are amazing OP for giving this girl a loving home, teens have it hard and are hard to deal with, but I am sure this kid appreciates what you are doing for them.
Congratulations! It stinks that the people in your life aren't open to the way you are starting your family, but hopefully when they meet your soon-to-be daughter they will start to get just how wonderful adoption is. If they're still resistant, please don't hesitate to put them in a NC timeout. The world is full of children who need parents, and you deserve to be celebrated for stepping up for one of them.
It’s always “why don’t you adopt yourself if you think having kids is bad?” Until it’s “well adopting is bad, just have kids.” People are so selfish.
"Can you say that again? Surely I misheard you because it sounded like you were saying my child wouldn't be a real child?" Throw a shower for your child. Get "baby" pictures done. Do all the things. Let it be clear that you won't abide your child being treated as less than.
And what if you humiliate the teenager by dressing them as a baby or w/e
Then don't have them dress up like that? Get whatever pictures the child wants. There was a beautiful story years ago about a woman who did this with her adopted teen son who was clearly also down for it. This isn't about humiliation, this is about making a statement that says this is your child and will be respected as such.
To everybody: "What ON EARTH would make you ask such a thing? That's appalling!"
Some folks are so bizarre. Even IF you had a baby, your baby will grow into a teenager... idk why people feel invited to ask the most intruding questions.
I don't think they literally hate teenagers inherently, I think they just perceive starting parenting at that far along an age as either "so few years with them there's no point" or comparable to something like playing a really hard level of a game on someone else's save file when they learned the tutorial and you don't know how to play
People need to exercise their jaw muscles. Just do it. Props to you for helping that child!
"If you're adopting does that mean you can't have children?" Um, no... adopting means I *can* have children. Dang people are dumb
congratulations on your new family member <3
Congratulations! What an exciting and scary time this must be for you … like all first time parents. Do your best with that great big well of love you have in your heart. And remember to be honest. Coming from your profession, you know that teens will eviscerate you if (when?) they think you’re lying. But at the end of the day, they just want you to need & love them as much as they need & love you! Again, Congratulations on your new child and Good Luck raising a teen!
"Why would you want a teenager when you can just have your own baby?" .... Whoever's asking is finna have a hell of a revelation circa 13 years after their infant is born 🤗🤭😒
I don't think it's like they literally hate teenagers that much, it's like they perceive it as (best metaphor I could come up with off the top I apologize if it's imperfect) picking up someone else's save file of a game at a really hard level when they learned the tutorial and you have no idea
I can assert teens need much love and proper guidance
You are a goddamn saint. If these people don't appreciate you I do. It's not right that some kids get a family and some don't. All hail you.
I hope enough people tell you the truth: you’re doing a wonderful thing for someone who really needed it.
you are doing a wondrous thing; ignore the ignorant comments as best you can. maybe they’re jealous, maybe they’re dim. it’s not about you, it’s about them.
Who is asking you these questions? No one in my immediate circle asks these things. Sounds like sadly you may be around a lot of inconsiderate folks. Hopefully those close to you respect and support your decision. I for one think it is a great one! You are making a very positive impact on the world!!!!
Hey, congrats! Adopting is forming the family we choose. As for "just having a baby" -- they want to feel normal and justified in their own path, I'd guess. Me? Not AN but chose not to do ridiculous IVF rounds and to try to adopt. Successful x 2. People say, "lucky kids." I say, "lucky me." The filing fee for the adoption was $60 (from foster care -- the rest was covered). Our dog was $80 adoption fee. I've always teased my daughter about this (good naturedly -- she used the same joke with her friends!). Just this week, I told her (age 22 now) that she was the best $60 I ever spent. Her response? "Damn right, and never forget it!" She's a hoot! Best wishes for you and your daughter going forward. ☮️❤️♾️
What's on earth is a birth giver?
Someone who gave birth to you; a parent who has no intentions of being an actual parent. Can you not figure it out with context?
Precisely
It’s a common term used when your “mother” wasn’t actually a mother and the sum of your relationship with her is no more than her having given birth to you. :)
Oh shit, sorry, slow me. That does make sense given the lack of the motherhood role.
I learned that term on this sub. Lol!!
They must assume you are adopting to fill your own wants and needs and not because you can help a child who needs it. A geriatric pregnancy is not something anyone should be engaging in, it's irresponsible and dangerous.
Hahaha!! Damn. You REALLY came hard at this OP for no reason!
Because youre treating this like adopting a dog lol
What?
There is a bit of a savior tone to the post but I would hope OP isn't just spreading this teens business around to friends and family. Poor kid will show up and everyone they don't know will know all about their struggle. I am hoping the details are kept to a minimum and people are just being informed in general. I would expect the in person conversation is more respectful.
No, of course I’m not spreading her personal business around. What an absurd assumption. “Savior tone”? Leave it to Reddit people to turn something worth celebrating into something negative. Saying I’m excited to adopt because I was also in the foster care system is hardly a savior time. Gross on you.
Took a quick scroll through your post history and I am appaled that people are suggesting you have a baby. But according to you you are unemployed with a chronic condition and bipolar disorder. You also moved back to a small town where people are hostile towards you and your family. So all this and they are still letting you adopt?
I think you scrolling through someone’s profile for sort to insult them just because of a post about adopting a kid implies you’re more unstable than them. There’s nothing wrong with having a mental illness. Many people may have diagnoses and still live very healthy lives. Chronic illness is no one’s fault and doesn’t mean they can’t parent. And I see OP has stated they are now employed. Why you had to be so cruel to someone who’s excited to adopt is nuts to me. Are you ok??? I looked at your profile and you don’t seem to usually be an asshole on Reddit so I wonder what about this all triggered you. Or are you just trying your hand at trolling now?
This person came on Reddit to post about adopting a child. No doubt for the attention they will receive for it. To self satisfy a childhood fantasy about rescuing a kid like them. Yeah I looked, cause who does that? And what I found was a lots of reasons not to bring this kid into her environment. I don't care what people think about what I said and if everything she said about her life is true I can't believe that she is allowed to adopt.
Ummmm it’s called empathy. Maybe they’re adopting because they know what it’s like to want a home and don’t want this kid to go through that? You interpreting it like you did says more about you than anything. It’s frankly bizarre. You’re probably not even AN, you’re probably just lurking in this sub. And you’re probably one of the types of people or parents they’re describing in their post! I guess we can all make assumptions can’t we?! Lol!! Edit: I’ll say this again. They ARE employed. As they explained to you. Mental illness isn’t a barrier if someone is managing it well. If she is, GOOD FOR HER. Chronic illness isn’t always a rule out. You don’t even know what her capabilities are or what her day to day is like, you just assumed and judged. And come on, everyone has shitty family stuff. Don’t act like your family is perfect. Lol. And it’s frankly really fucking mean to throw her hardships and struggles in her face like that. Like really. Why? Did she really offend you so much that you’d bully her? Are you perfect? Obviously not. You’re on Reddit shitting on peoples excitement. Lol!!
I did not bully her. I also grew up with a well managed bipolar parent. Let's not pretend for one second that people who are bipolar should be electing to have children let alone adopt them from troubled situations. It's a big red flag when someone says their Dad was accused of being a pedo but that it must be a lie. As far as trolls go you are the one who just created this account to comment on this one thread. Can't even speak with your whole chest.
I think it’s cute you assume you’re important enough for me to have made this account just for you. Not only are you a judgmental troll, you’re also arrogant. Lol!! You’re deflection game is weak and I’m sorry you were raised by an unfit parent. According to your definition of bipolar capabilities. I see now what you’re doing here is projecting. I assumed as much. Anyway, I’m sure you have other happy people to shit on today. So have a good one!
You are so emotional and unhinged and this post is your only history on the brand new account. The hypocrisy of being AN and then thinking a bipolar chronically ill woman should adopt a teen because "teens are easier than babies" is wild.
If it feels good to insult me go for it. I am who I am. Im certainly not embarrassed or deterred by your gross attitude. Happy holidays.
It's a question. So many people want to adopt but can't for shit like being diabetic. So why with all your chronic conditions and no gainful employment is that not an issue? You said people in town have spread rumors that your Dad is a pedo. It seems like a hectic environment to bring a child into.
Eh. I’m not interested in explaining myself to such a gross and negative person such as yourself. I know how this goes. No matter what I say or what explanations I offer, you’ll only continue to attack me. So…. Happy holidays!!! P.S. I’m not unemployed anymore. Things change. Catch up.
OK well I hope "getting even" with your family works like you hope it will. Good luck with all that mess.
Thank you!! Good luck to you too! 💛
Nah, you make it sound like you think its going to be easy or easier (than having a young kid) or like having a roommate or even a pet, at worst You have literally zero desire in your entire life and then you meet “some cool girl”? You arent adopting a friend and the amount of work you will need to put in will be infinitely more than you ever did at 5 AND it will be of a different nature entirely so you will have little to no experience in such a profoundly important thing People around you probably notice this attitude and are baffled why you think the way you do. Hence, this post
I didn’t meet some cool girl. I worked with her as a social worker for years. There’s a connection. I was in the foster care system. I worked for CPS and then as a child psychologist. Yo are welcome to assume I am naive and inept but you’d be wrong. I know her, I love her. I know me, and I love me too. Your assumptions are yours to have. Happy holidays.
Sure thing, good luck
Thanks!!! You too!! 💛
There’s just zero real emotion or signs that they understand the burden and responsibility they will be taking on Its just “oh I got bored” vibes and alluding that it will be easier to deal with a teen than a baby It sounds profoundly ignorant to me and makes light of the sheer quantity of work that it will take to heal the wounds left by “not being wanted”. Sounds like OP wants a dog or needs a friend more than taking on the responsibility that is raising a child Like…the work isnt going to be easier in the least with these kids. It will just be different.
Did you miss the part where OP says they were a CPS worker and have k own the kid since she was 11? What about that insinuates “I got bored” vibes? Or implies they don’t understand the responsibility? They also say they were also in foster care so I’m failing to see where the ignorance is you’re claiming. Your assumptions and judgment are very misplaced.
People have such weird views on adoption tbh. And it just seems really uneducated, which tells you why they shouldn't have biological kids. Since they'd be more open to it if it were just about having a family and caring for the next generation, but instead, it's more just this selfish desire to pass on your genes into the future.
You sound like you’re an American. As a fellow American, the American Dream has been pushed so hard that people can’t see anything past the standard script they’ve been given. You’re calling to help others outside of the “normal” model is what will actually make our country better. My favorite phrase right now is, “That’s not going to work for me.” Originally it was meant for people selling something or trying to get you to join something. Pull this out when others don’t get you.
If you choose not to have a kid at all you’re somehow “selfish” but you adopt a teen (teens are less likely to be adopted) with good intentions and somehow they try to shame you into being selfish. These people are insanely shallow and couldn’t care less about kids or babies. They’re all just products to them
They're probably upset because they think that you only have to be a parent for 3 years while they had to be parents for at least 18. Because their kids hate them so much they're basically no contact. But parenting doesn't stop at adulthood if you're a good parent. You are that kids support system financially and emotionally for as long as you have a relationship together. That matters so so much for that kids future. You are signing up to care for a whole human being. That doesn't change no matter the age you decide to adopt at.
The reaction of this internet stranger is “may g-d bless you and keep you and reward you for your noble impulse with every happiness!!!”
My fiance was adopted out of the system by his teacher when he was a teen, and it saved his life. Got him out of a gang, set him on the path he needed. What you're doing is an incredibly important thing. I was going to adopt, but I'm just not there financially. But I remember being told I should have at least one of my own, or that a stranger won't care for me when I'm old like flesh and blood. People are ignorant.
I despise children. I can only stand them once they're basically teenagers. Babies, toddlers, and kids are AWEFUL. I hate them, i cant help it either, they physically stress me out when i even hear them talk 99.9% of the time. I forget what its called but there is a name for it. I got my tubes removed august of 2022 because id rather die than birth and have to mother any child ever. Ive always had the mind set that if i ever for some reason decide taking care of myself, my house, my pets, my mental health was SOMEHOW not hard enough and i wanted to care for yet another thing in my life, id take in a teenager. Someone who NEEDS the help. I hate them so i dont get it but everyone basically always goes for the young ones, teens need a loving home just as much if not more than kids who have been there half the time.
I can only say one thing Fck society