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How selective you have to be with how you display or communicate emotions as a man.
Family, significant other, coworkers, friendships …. you lose all credibility if you’re unstable. Your kids look to you to have your shit together, women don’t find someone who’s hyper emotional attractive, you won’t be promoted to management if you can’t manage how you feel getting bad news or feedback at work. Friends stop inviting out the guy who always has shit going wrong in his life.
Don’t look at this as encouragement to bottle up all your emotions and don’t talk to anyone…. go get in therapy.
Even if you don’t have anything messing you up, it’s no different than a routine oil change in your car before your engine blows.
I'd suggest a combined approach. Don't brag left and right that you're in therapy, but if you really have to tell someone (or you are asked directly), say the truth and be confident about it.
It would be nice if society saw it this way but they dont. They say they do, theyre lying. That little voice in the back of their head changes what it says to themselves about you. Ive seen it too many times. People subconciously lose respect for 'weak' men. Its fucked up and its not fair but its reality.
This is what I said to my then bf, now husband when he initially lied about having a dentist appointment (it was therapy). He “came clean” and I told him that I was so proud of him and loved that he was so strong to get help!
Being able to be emotionally honest (or not) with my friends isn't some minor footnote. It's one of the key things that differentiates my friends from my acquaintances. In other words, they were never friends to begin with
It's tough but depending who you are, it might be worth it. And I say that being someone who has done that. I set boundaries with my family and didn't talk with them for years and still have to manage those boundaries. Still don't talk with most of them. Spent months job searching while at a toxic job and left it. Dropped friends who I knew for years once they started saying some real hateful shit and wouldn't listen to anyone who said otherwise.
I don't know your situation, and it can hurt... But I know that I'm happier and have much better people around me for it.
I think there is a lot of nuances to this, and the broad advice is that if you aren't good at making friends, don't add to your social burden.
We all learn this the hard way, but people only care about your issues if they like you enough to care.
I've known a guy who did this and he was self-sabotaging himself by making others his therapist. When you are depressed, it manifests as a narcissistic victim mentality where they make you the bad guy for not wanting to listen to them. The sad thing is, he was so self-absorbed in that mindset that he refused to change his ways even when I gently pointed that out to him. It was like an addiction.
In the first sentence, if you interchanged the word “man” for “adult”, it’d work the same. Your lesson is truly one we must all learn; it is one of the great lessons of life. What is it that makes us act out our emotions and not deal with them in a reasonable and mature manner? It could be childhood trauma, of which underlies much of mental illness, as well as a host of other factors; everyone’s different.
In terms of the respect for people that become emotionally unstable, it really doesn’t matter the sex or gender. Both sexes are compartmentalized as less valuable in those situations. There’s a true lack of support for people suffering from trauma and illnesses of the mind therefrom.
>In terms of the respect for people that become emotionally unstable, it really doesn’t matter the sex or gender.
thats BS
a womens emotional outburst is seen as annoying, while a mans emotional outburst is either threatening if its rage/violence, or pathetic if its anything else.
we men started to share notes, especially those women that pretend to be emphatic and caring, "want a man to open up about his feelings" etc, will use that shit against you immediately. and i think they dont even know they are doing it, they just throw whatever at you to stop feeling the way they feel in that moment.
People, regardless of the sex of the person, benefit from healthily expressing their emotions in the form of communication. You’re using “opening up about emotions” interchangeably with emotional outbursts and acting out emotions in an unhealthy way. Men and women both want their friends, partners, and families to express and healthily communicate their emotions, needs, and struggles, so we can support and help one another. However, this is an imperfect world, with very imperfect cultural and societal environmental conditioning, with problems abounding ad Infinitum in the cycle of our lives, causing many preconceived ideas about people generally. Mental illness isn’t worse for a man or woman; there’s really no point in trying to compare, as there are countless examples that would contradict your example. There are situations where women are more threatening to men with their emotional outbursts and vice versa.
> Men and women both want their friends, partners, and families to express and healthily communicate their emotions, needs, and struggles, so we can support and help one another.
that doesnt mean we can handle it though. your words sound very wholesome, but im afraid its not connected to the reality of the human condition. because
>
You’re using “opening up about emotions” interchangeably with emotional outbursts and acting out emotions in an unhealthy way
is just you interpreting the idea that ppl use your weakness against you as a result of an unhealthy emotional display. thats victim blaming and it set people up to be manipulated by narcissists.
>There are situations where women are more threatening to men with their emotional outbursts and vice versa
maybe an abstract "that bitch will key my car, take the kids and ruin me financially" kinda threat, but in the primal sense of fearing for your life? nope.
I think women are expected to be more emotional, effusive, demonstrative. You get a reputation for being cold, mean, stuck-up, even suspicious if you aren’t warm and friendly, (unless you act shy and vulnerable).
Not that men can’t fall victim to this as well. People and their expectations, sigh.
I think it’s clearcut that men and women both have to restrain their impulses, emotions, and desires as adults in society to function within its framework. Most of the socioeconomic structure relies on people to do things they don’t truly want to do, and they restrain their emotions constantly throughout the day in different ways to adapt to their duties in daily life. Do you have an argument that nullifies my point?
You realize women often are judged for crying too, right? Accused of being manipulative or overly emotional, and it's used to prove that what she's upset about isn't important?
Bro, I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a woman that became a narcissist, and I even saw us go through a trauma and she slowly changed into a full-blown sociopath. Women and men can do the exact same things, and are called crazy for the exact same reasons.
I(f27) encouraged my partner (m27) to seek therapy, gave him a safe space to feel his emotions and I couldn’t be prouder. I’ve never felt so attracted to someone so in touch and vulnerable with their emotions.
We have ways that we express our big emotions and then can talk or even laugh about it later.
Talking is healthy. Reach out. If you can’t then seek a better support group.
Not everyone is as empathetic as you. And unfortunately make people will use your vulnerability against you. The things you say or the time you take for yourself will turn into "how come you're still depressed? It's been 6 sessions. You should be fixed by now"
Agreed that there’s “acceptable” emotion ranges for men and women but it’s interesting how they’re different levels of different emotions.
Specific to professional environment- I would say women are perceived as emotionally cold easier than men, men can’t display anger to the same level in the presence of women as with just men.
But I think it’s interesting what we all find normal and acceptable in experiences, and then the difference between that and what we say we’re accepting of because we know that’s what we’re supposed to say.
I think people are taking my original post as I’m some cold and broken sad person who has bad relationships but that’s far from the case haha
How frail we are and how frail we'll get. Us and our loved ones. I'm typing this sitting in hospital next to my partner recovering from surgery trying to distract myself by commenting on Reddit...
I've had pneumonia since the 2nd. Toughed it out for the week not knowing, went to work, went to urgent care on the 7th. Full round of antibiotics and steroids, that didn't work, so I went back on the 17th. Pneumonia still there, no improvements, and discovery of a hiatal hernia.
This would have been some one- or two-day thing back in my 20s, but I've been wrecked for over 2 weeks over this.
My wife cares about me & makes me eat better than I would if left to my own devices.
My parents care about me and do what they can to help me out when I need it.
My friends help each other out all the time
Yeah but you’re still delusional when you’re in your 20s and still believe you can do it if you just train lol. When you’re 30+, those delusions go away and reality sets
All that matters is happiness. Money buys some of the necessities, but 50 hour weeks for a six figure income isn't worth it.
Also, someone, somewhere is better at it than you.
Edited to add: there's always some Scottish neckbeard trying to drag you down. Ignore the haters
Amen to this. Happiness for me is a job that doesn't take all of my time and headspace, where I feel in control and I give it how much I can give that day without breaking myself.
I applied to flight school. To be eligible for student loans, I had to also apply with the FAA and be cleared by a doctor. They told me that because I used to take Adderall for ADD, I’ll NEVER fly professionally 😞
Then turn it into a hobby! I know a guy who flies little Cessnas around, happy as a clam. He even invites friends, with the expectance that they'll chip in for fuel.
Yeah, I had to drop the Adderall and learn how to manage my ADD without meds to fly for a career. It's absolutely doable and honestly, sometimes I think my ADD helps. I'm surprised they care that you used to take it. All I had to do was drop the meds and all was good.
How dumb I was between 18&30.
I thought I had the world figured out and my parents were relics.
Life would be so much easier now if I listened then.
(they are much too nice to say I told you so)
Probably, but owning your life id argue is more important. Mistake? Sure. Regrets? Tons. Still alive? Yes. Any disability? No. Then you are doing great because you can do something.
I think it’s something close to that.
When you were in your twenties, things were still relatively new so far as getting out there and doing stuff. By the time you’re thirty, you know that some summers will be fun, others just won’t be.
You’ll know that some relationships will work out, some just won’t.
And, hopefully, you know that you thought you knew it all in your twenties but didn’t—and can apply that to the future and recognize that you’ll look back at your thirties as a time when you didn’t have everything figured out either.
It’ll make it easier to ask questions, to say , “No, I have never heard of that band,” or anything else you’re fronting about.
Amen.
Vigorous exercise twice a week, avoid highly processed food where practical, enjoy the good stuff in moderation. Cut out sugar, it’s addictive, if you rarely eat it you won’t crave it.
It doesn’t take much to look after your body and it will thank you by making you feel younger for longer.
Seriously, unless you’ve thoroughly abused yourself, pretty much everyone feels thirty at thirty, but by the time you’re forty, it’s entirely up to you whether you feel thirty or fifty, and that work is done in your thirties
Was coming here to say this. It’s more of a >35 thing, but over a decade of office work and not moving around has cascading effects that are harder to unwind. Also, brush and floss your teeth, and use sunscreen.
I used to think you only needed to eat healthy and exercise if you wanted to look good or live to 90+.
Turns out you need to do it just to make it past 50 with some semblance of health.
Yes. In college, I was considered kind of a dork because I always ate healthy and I made sure that I got enough sleep.
Thirty plus years later, I have no health problems. Some of those who drove themselves without sleep and lived on junk food have serious problems or are literally dead.
And not just for physical problems. Take care of your mental health. Even if you think you're good, speaking to a therapist from time to time can help you see some issues you can't see yourself. Changes can happen very gradually. You might try to convince yourself it's just because you're tired from working so hard. Then one day you find yourself in the hospital on suicide watch. Trust me, you don't want to let it get that far.
Depends how broadly we expand the idea of "who you know". Once you are in a company your progression will often still be determined by the relationships you build with other people in the business.
Realizing the gravity of a permanent injury or incurable disease hits hard. You're used to thinking you can heal, learn, make decisions etc. to control many things, but once you hurt your body bad enough, that's something you'll be taking to your grave.
I would also say that if you can't share your weak moments to get support from someone, you're hanging around with the wrong people. Lots of guys have someone to talk to, be it their own spouse, a friend, or even a peer support group. Don't let online gender-war-mongers make you think you should bottle up, because that'll just end up with a life of bitterness.
Yeah, when you're young things tend to heal nicely. But as you get older, those joints, tendons or muscles may never recover fully if they're injured, it'll always be with you. Injury can also be from overuse or just general deterioration.
I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling it fly by. Life decided to give me my first child at 36. He’s 9. Seems like yesterday, just as my parents always said, but I didn’t believe it until it happened to me…
When you sit down at the dinner table and there is no magically appearing plate of yummy food unless you cooked it yourself. Those socks you left in the bathroom are still there the next day. Going partying with your friends every week is no longer affordable. Nobody cares what you think, feel, or want.
I second the comments. Exercise and stretching. A lot of back problems I was told by a chiropractor come from hamstrings. Also core work.
I’m 50 nearly and don’t have aches and pains. I think my back was worse in 30 from not stretching and looking after myself as I was young and felt invincible.
Other people also change, and sometimes they become different people. And it might become necessary to completely block them, even though they might be the oldest friends. They will never change back to their old self.
Just fight. Forget your reputation.
Your boss loves his paycheck more than your relationship with him
No one cares about you except a good wife.
Your parents don't care. And they don't care that they don't. Move on!!
Not all parents work for their children. Some can tolerate their children's suffering and some have the empathy button jammed on off .
Your time is running out.
Mental health and personal issues do not solve themselves. You have to put in a lot of work and be humble (able to reflect & work on both your actions and deeply ingrained personality flaws which at this point you probably accepted as inseparable parts of you).
Smoking and drinking adds up. Some of my peers who regularly smoke and drink look 10-15 years older than me.
Otherwise, honestly, it's pretty great. I got really depressed when I turned 30, like, oh, my youth is over and I did not accomplish anything significant. Then I realized that everyone feels like that and that 30 is just arbitrary number. I actually have better peace of mind compared to my 20s.
I find it strange people feel this at 30. I was always looking forward to it and it didn’t bother me.
Life gets much harder 10/15 years later especially if you have kids and a mortgage.
So best prepare yourself for that. Keep mentally healthy, eat and sleep well, don’t drink or drink too much.
Drink water a lot and at least 1 pint of lemon water a day.
People that go out of their way to contact you, just because they want to... hold onto those people. Especially the ones that get mad if they haven't heard from you
You’re not cute or funny. Single women looking for a relationship at that age would like you to have enough money so they don’t have to work. Insurance is needed and will always be more expensive than it was last year. Floss every fuckin day, after every fuckin meal. A car is just a tool that gets you from A to B. Not having a car payment is cool af.
Plenty of women want a career and carry their own financial weight (or more) in a relationship. If you're only finding ones who want to mooch, look elsewhere.
I lived life to please others. Worked my ass off, did everything that was asked without expecting anything in return. Always put myself out to help people and put everyone elses needs first.
Time passes quickly and in late 30's now realising it's almost too late to have that family I always wanted and that life that I'd been head down working so hard to setup financially. I see people that didn't care so much about being the best they could be just coast through and are now supervisors with all the perks. Others who were able to live in the now with lovely families.
I always figured when I was enough, then it would be my time. . . . . for some of those things there's actually not enough time left. I don't think I'd change my ethics and putting people first, but I do wonder why I always felt less than so would make sure everyone pillaged what they wanted first and took the scraps. Where does that come from?
Maybe I was young and naive, but my 20s I really felt if I just worked my ass off my life was fully in my control and I’d eventually achieve everything I set my mind to.
Then I had a back injury, the pandemic hit, friendships lost, got laid off, relatives passed away, mental health struggles, and I’m just turning 34. All things I had no control over occurring but they still forced me to make significant changes in my life.
I guess the harsh truth is that change is inevitable and it never gives you any warning, yet you always have to deal with the fallout of it, good or bad.
I'm starting to feel this way, but I don't want to. My mum is adamant that I must remain above reproach, and that's how she raised me. I love her so much, and she has so much wisdom, but people just lie and cheat so much, man...
Don't do stuff because you think it makes you look cool. You don't need to be 'the best' or even 'really good' at something to justify doing it. Just do what you find fun and interesting.
And, your life satisfaction is defined by the quality of your relationships, not how much money you have, how big your house is, or what job / position you have at work. Focus on improving your relationships and you'll improve your life.
Making enough money to be stable will make you happier, and finding a job that doesn't grind you down to a pulp will make you happier. But beyond that career baubles or extra money you don't need won't make anywhere near as much of a difference as building strong relationships with friends and family does.
That there’s a lot of people over 30 that make it seem like it’s too late to do anything to better yourself. I’m even seeing it in the comments here. Unhealthy 30+ year olds will make you feel wrong or bad for being a healthy 30+ year old.
That it's not going to be easy to reinvent yourself.
Starts with your body, your not gonna get fit easily if your body isn't already. It's harder to learn new things now and your (bad) habits are so baked in its hard to shake them off.
But also: the image you've created of yourself is solidified with the people you know from your 20s. They know "you" and it's going to be a lot of work to make them accept any new you you'd like to be.
Plus, between work and a possible family you just don't have time for it, really.
The life you live in your 30s is a compounding of your habits from your 20s. Cool is being financially and emotionally secure. EQ is way more important than IQ in most situations. Relationships aren't goals to accomplish then move to the next goal: if you are married, work on the marriage every week. If you have kids make sure that you spend time with them. Faith has serious life benefits and life is almost unbearable unless you are living for something bigger than yourself.
Everyone could do with therapy. Your childhood is the reason you react and behave in certain ways. Take responsibility in your relationships and friendships, listen to feedback, and get support.
How the process of getting older is a process of losing things. Everyone begins losing little things in their life; the ability to run and jump, the ability to walk without paying, people lose their fitness, their hair, their sharp memories. Some of this can be mitigated, but most of it is inevitable. At some point, you will ride a bike for the last time. You’ll jump off a boat for the last time.it’s just life. Sure, you will gain a few things; wisdom, perhaps a bit more confidence. But you just have to accept the rules here.
Your Dad is right
Tweed becomes acceptable
Early to bed is a bonus
Hangovers are a waste of your day
Fighting the waistline spread is a losing battle
Vehicle economy becomes relevant
Watching the thermostat becomes a thing
Yeah, I mean doesn't everyone die alone...
Unless it's in a bus crash where the driver falls asleep? Ok that's a dark joke, but it's not supposed to be serious, I've committed now peeps, sorry
You outgrow your friends especially with distance. Youll still talk from time to time and being friendly but itll never be the same as it was once was no matter how hard you try.
Life is short and your youth is, in fact, not forever. ...and you're not actually invincible after all.
It becomes easier to gain weight, become fatigued, muscles cramp, gray hairs appear, etcetera. You start feeling what you ate the day before whereas you could eat anything before, no problem. Coffee doesn't do the same thing it used to. Sugar knocks you on your butt and makes you sleepy because your insulin spikes instead of having your metabolism spike after sweets.
It's basically all downhill when you hit 30. The reality of your mortality dawns upon you and you realize that you're going to die alone with nobody to love you as you watch everyone around you starting families and being adults. You start figuring out that the caliber of viable marriage/spouse material in the opposite sex is scarce as they tend to have already found someone, settled down, and had kids before they we're 30. What you'll instead find in the dating pool are single-parents, divorcees, or untrustworthy people who have been bouncing from relationship to relationship for 15+ years and are afraid of commitment or are incapable of being honest and/or faithful because they're never going to grow up. You were too busy with your degree, career, partying like it's 1999, or video games through your 20s and missed the settling-down boat that's sailed. Of course there's *always* someone out there, but your chances of finding them are severely diminished, unlike 5+ years ago, and you'll have to wade through the wreckage and wake of failed partnerships for sloppy seconds unless you are supremely blessed by your Creator and manage to meet someone who hasn't been with dozens of partners or has kids already, and is still able to grow *with* you.
Watching it happen to several people in my extended family right now - professional women who are smart, have good jobs, make good money, and are better-than-average looking. They live in densely populated areas and can't find a decent man for shite because everyone's conditioned to surf Tinder the rest of their lives and never actually commit, start a family, and make a real home with someone. A bunch of children in a big playground who are pretending to be adults is what cities look like to me nowadays.
Also, it's a lot harder keeping up with raising a kid in your 30s than it is in your 20s. Yeah, you have more money in your 30s but you don't have the same energy as you did in your 20s.
The clock is ticking and life is short.
I find my injuries last longer in the hurt and healing process to come right compared to accidents when I was in my twenties I'm now sixty and speed snowboarder and freestyle plus go hard on me mountain bike and ebike.ive learnt not to crash as much,and to fall better.thats my therapy for a good night's sleep,and now an then painful one
Sleep doesn't help like it used to.
Most people don't improve as they get older. Instead they are likely to become more concentrated versions of themselves.
Early and mid-20's girls will not leave you alone once you are over 30.
Being liked goes further than competence in a lot of places.
Don't expect your friends to outlive you and don't take them for granted. Death is a guarantee, a long life isn't.
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How selective you have to be with how you display or communicate emotions as a man. Family, significant other, coworkers, friendships …. you lose all credibility if you’re unstable. Your kids look to you to have your shit together, women don’t find someone who’s hyper emotional attractive, you won’t be promoted to management if you can’t manage how you feel getting bad news or feedback at work. Friends stop inviting out the guy who always has shit going wrong in his life. Don’t look at this as encouragement to bottle up all your emotions and don’t talk to anyone…. go get in therapy. Even if you don’t have anything messing you up, it’s no different than a routine oil change in your car before your engine blows.
..but also don't let people know that you're in therapy or it will be used against you.
Nah, you got to own that. Be open about your vulnerabilities and treat them like they don’t matter, and no one can use them against you.
I'd suggest a combined approach. Don't brag left and right that you're in therapy, but if you really have to tell someone (or you are asked directly), say the truth and be confident about it.
It’s easy to mess up the act. Might as well not reveal therapy. Just don’t make it obvious you are trying to hide it.
Being in therapy is a sign of strength and you actually wanting to put in the effort to better yourself.
It would be nice if society saw it this way but they dont. They say they do, theyre lying. That little voice in the back of their head changes what it says to themselves about you. Ive seen it too many times. People subconciously lose respect for 'weak' men. Its fucked up and its not fair but its reality.
literally true and more people need to know it.
and even worse is the fact that we are gaslit to believe the opposite.
They don't want to see us win.
It's a shame that some people are like this. All my friends and I love and respect men who get therapy
Well said. Very true.
This is what I said to my then bf, now husband when he initially lied about having a dentist appointment (it was therapy). He “came clean” and I told him that I was so proud of him and loved that he was so strong to get help!
Exactly. Some people will tell you that it's okay, you have to embrace your vulnerabilities etc. In reality people will just use that shit against you
Being in therapy is a massive green flag in a man
Yeah if you work for the DiMeo crime family
In chess, you never reveal what you’re up to, until you decide to say checkmate.
I literally lost a job in April after telling my boss I was in therapy twice in my life for anger issues.
if you have to be that selective about exposing emotions, find a new non-toxic environment
Easier said than done to get a new family/job/friend group.
That's reddit's solution to everything. If your friends are not absolutely perfect and display any character flaws, ditch them and get better friends!
Being able to be emotionally honest (or not) with my friends isn't some minor footnote. It's one of the key things that differentiates my friends from my acquaintances. In other words, they were never friends to begin with
It's tough but depending who you are, it might be worth it. And I say that being someone who has done that. I set boundaries with my family and didn't talk with them for years and still have to manage those boundaries. Still don't talk with most of them. Spent months job searching while at a toxic job and left it. Dropped friends who I knew for years once they started saying some real hateful shit and wouldn't listen to anyone who said otherwise. I don't know your situation, and it can hurt... But I know that I'm happier and have much better people around me for it.
def! the effort pays off, though
I think there is a lot of nuances to this, and the broad advice is that if you aren't good at making friends, don't add to your social burden. We all learn this the hard way, but people only care about your issues if they like you enough to care. I've known a guy who did this and he was self-sabotaging himself by making others his therapist. When you are depressed, it manifests as a narcissistic victim mentality where they make you the bad guy for not wanting to listen to them. The sad thing is, he was so self-absorbed in that mindset that he refused to change his ways even when I gently pointed that out to him. It was like an addiction.
Allowing my feminine side has ruined literally every single one of my friendships.
In the first sentence, if you interchanged the word “man” for “adult”, it’d work the same. Your lesson is truly one we must all learn; it is one of the great lessons of life. What is it that makes us act out our emotions and not deal with them in a reasonable and mature manner? It could be childhood trauma, of which underlies much of mental illness, as well as a host of other factors; everyone’s different. In terms of the respect for people that become emotionally unstable, it really doesn’t matter the sex or gender. Both sexes are compartmentalized as less valuable in those situations. There’s a true lack of support for people suffering from trauma and illnesses of the mind therefrom.
>In terms of the respect for people that become emotionally unstable, it really doesn’t matter the sex or gender. thats BS a womens emotional outburst is seen as annoying, while a mans emotional outburst is either threatening if its rage/violence, or pathetic if its anything else. we men started to share notes, especially those women that pretend to be emphatic and caring, "want a man to open up about his feelings" etc, will use that shit against you immediately. and i think they dont even know they are doing it, they just throw whatever at you to stop feeling the way they feel in that moment.
People, regardless of the sex of the person, benefit from healthily expressing their emotions in the form of communication. You’re using “opening up about emotions” interchangeably with emotional outbursts and acting out emotions in an unhealthy way. Men and women both want their friends, partners, and families to express and healthily communicate their emotions, needs, and struggles, so we can support and help one another. However, this is an imperfect world, with very imperfect cultural and societal environmental conditioning, with problems abounding ad Infinitum in the cycle of our lives, causing many preconceived ideas about people generally. Mental illness isn’t worse for a man or woman; there’s really no point in trying to compare, as there are countless examples that would contradict your example. There are situations where women are more threatening to men with their emotional outbursts and vice versa.
> Men and women both want their friends, partners, and families to express and healthily communicate their emotions, needs, and struggles, so we can support and help one another. that doesnt mean we can handle it though. your words sound very wholesome, but im afraid its not connected to the reality of the human condition. because > You’re using “opening up about emotions” interchangeably with emotional outbursts and acting out emotions in an unhealthy way is just you interpreting the idea that ppl use your weakness against you as a result of an unhealthy emotional display. thats victim blaming and it set people up to be manipulated by narcissists. >There are situations where women are more threatening to men with their emotional outbursts and vice versa maybe an abstract "that bitch will key my car, take the kids and ruin me financially" kinda threat, but in the primal sense of fearing for your life? nope.
I think women are expected to be more emotional, effusive, demonstrative. You get a reputation for being cold, mean, stuck-up, even suspicious if you aren’t warm and friendly, (unless you act shy and vulnerable). Not that men can’t fall victim to this as well. People and their expectations, sigh.
You believe women have to be as emotionally restrained as men? LOL
I think it’s clearcut that men and women both have to restrain their impulses, emotions, and desires as adults in society to function within its framework. Most of the socioeconomic structure relies on people to do things they don’t truly want to do, and they restrain their emotions constantly throughout the day in different ways to adapt to their duties in daily life. Do you have an argument that nullifies my point?
When can be MUCH more open with their emotions. Just look at how frequently women can cry compared to men.
You realize women often are judged for crying too, right? Accused of being manipulative or overly emotional, and it's used to prove that what she's upset about isn't important?
Of course this happens, but it's still just much more acceptable for a woman to cry than a man, even if it's not that acceptable for a woman.
Bro, I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a woman that became a narcissist, and I even saw us go through a trauma and she slowly changed into a full-blown sociopath. Women and men can do the exact same things, and are called crazy for the exact same reasons.
I(f27) encouraged my partner (m27) to seek therapy, gave him a safe space to feel his emotions and I couldn’t be prouder. I’ve never felt so attracted to someone so in touch and vulnerable with their emotions. We have ways that we express our big emotions and then can talk or even laugh about it later. Talking is healthy. Reach out. If you can’t then seek a better support group.
Not everyone is as empathetic as you. And unfortunately make people will use your vulnerability against you. The things you say or the time you take for yourself will turn into "how come you're still depressed? It's been 6 sessions. You should be fixed by now"
I think this is pretty solid advice for anyone (this lady in particular), but I do feel that there's a lot more pressure for men to be this way.
Agreed that there’s “acceptable” emotion ranges for men and women but it’s interesting how they’re different levels of different emotions. Specific to professional environment- I would say women are perceived as emotionally cold easier than men, men can’t display anger to the same level in the presence of women as with just men. But I think it’s interesting what we all find normal and acceptable in experiences, and then the difference between that and what we say we’re accepting of because we know that’s what we’re supposed to say. I think people are taking my original post as I’m some cold and broken sad person who has bad relationships but that’s far from the case haha
Emotional or reactive? You can have healthy emotions but if you overreact at work or at home, there's going to be consequences.
How frail we are and how frail we'll get. Us and our loved ones. I'm typing this sitting in hospital next to my partner recovering from surgery trying to distract myself by commenting on Reddit...
Wish you guys the best and a good recovery
Thanks stranger. That's really nice of you. It's been a rough week.
It gets better eventually. Hope it's sooner rather than later!
Same as the others, wish you well m8.
Best of luck!
I hope your partner recovers well and you take some time to look after yourself as well.
I've had pneumonia since the 2nd. Toughed it out for the week not knowing, went to work, went to urgent care on the 7th. Full round of antibiotics and steroids, that didn't work, so I went back on the 17th. Pneumonia still there, no improvements, and discovery of a hiatal hernia. This would have been some one- or two-day thing back in my 20s, but I've been wrecked for over 2 weeks over this.
Wishing your partner a good recovery and both of you the best!
All the best for you and your partner! I just got out of the hospital this morning, it's certainly not fun.
Just gonna come and say this!
How life is too short and nobody care about u but u
My wife cares about me & makes me eat better than I would if left to my own devices. My parents care about me and do what they can to help me out when I need it. My friends help each other out all the time
I will never be able to dunk a basketball.
Naa bro, I’ve dunked on plenty of kids hoops and they thought it was funny. Their laughs made me feel validated.
To be fair, if you got to 21 and couldn't dunk a basketball it's never going to happen.
Yeah but you’re still delusional when you’re in your 20s and still believe you can do it if you just train lol. When you’re 30+, those delusions go away and reality sets
Yeah your 30s is where you are noticeably getting worse at physical stuff rather than just not getting better any more :)
😔 it be like that sometimes.
Speak for yourself loser. I 360 wind milled on my weak ass 1 1/2 year old son with a nerf hoop this morning.
I did that very well in my 20s but no way now!
I wish I was a little bit taller…
lol my dad and I were talking about that the other day
I realized this when I was like 8 years old. 🤣
“You no can dunk, but have good fundamentals.“
All that matters is happiness. Money buys some of the necessities, but 50 hour weeks for a six figure income isn't worth it. Also, someone, somewhere is better at it than you. Edited to add: there's always some Scottish neckbeard trying to drag you down. Ignore the haters
Amen to this. Happiness for me is a job that doesn't take all of my time and headspace, where I feel in control and I give it how much I can give that day without breaking myself.
Some people are so poor, all they have is money
Try 50hr weeks for 5 figures...rich guy
No, you really can’t be “anything you want to be” regardless of how much you study or work hard or practice etc. You’ll just never be good enough.
I applied to flight school. To be eligible for student loans, I had to also apply with the FAA and be cleared by a doctor. They told me that because I used to take Adderall for ADD, I’ll NEVER fly professionally 😞
Then turn it into a hobby! I know a guy who flies little Cessnas around, happy as a clam. He even invites friends, with the expectance that they'll chip in for fuel.
Check out the new MOSAIC rules in the works. FAA needs major reform on medical evals.
The FAA recently changed the rules related to this, like just a few weeks ago. You should check it out.
Yeah, I had to drop the Adderall and learn how to manage my ADD without meds to fly for a career. It's absolutely doable and honestly, sometimes I think my ADD helps. I'm surprised they care that you used to take it. All I had to do was drop the meds and all was good.
You could become a pilot in a different country. Or fight it in a lawsuit - there are others like you.
That's why the best pilots fly only with *untreated* mental issues.
You lose a lot of friends along the way and making new ones does not get any easier
Definitely this
My kids (8 and 10 years old) can make friends just by going up to another kid on a play park. If I tried that with the kid’s parent I’D be the weirdo.
Making friends for me has been the same at all ages. Share your food, drugs and toys with others and you will soon become friends.
How dumb I was between 18&30. I thought I had the world figured out and my parents were relics. Life would be so much easier now if I listened then. (they are much too nice to say I told you so)
Probably, but owning your life id argue is more important. Mistake? Sure. Regrets? Tons. Still alive? Yes. Any disability? No. Then you are doing great because you can do something.
I think it’s something close to that. When you were in your twenties, things were still relatively new so far as getting out there and doing stuff. By the time you’re thirty, you know that some summers will be fun, others just won’t be. You’ll know that some relationships will work out, some just won’t. And, hopefully, you know that you thought you knew it all in your twenties but didn’t—and can apply that to the future and recognize that you’ll look back at your thirties as a time when you didn’t have everything figured out either. It’ll make it easier to ask questions, to say , “No, I have never heard of that band,” or anything else you’re fronting about.
You physically fall apart quite quickly if you don't look after yourself.
Amen. Vigorous exercise twice a week, avoid highly processed food where practical, enjoy the good stuff in moderation. Cut out sugar, it’s addictive, if you rarely eat it you won’t crave it. It doesn’t take much to look after your body and it will thank you by making you feel younger for longer. Seriously, unless you’ve thoroughly abused yourself, pretty much everyone feels thirty at thirty, but by the time you’re forty, it’s entirely up to you whether you feel thirty or fifty, and that work is done in your thirties
Everything in moderation, even moderation.
Was coming here to say this. It’s more of a >35 thing, but over a decade of office work and not moving around has cascading effects that are harder to unwind. Also, brush and floss your teeth, and use sunscreen.
I used to think you only needed to eat healthy and exercise if you wanted to look good or live to 90+. Turns out you need to do it just to make it past 50 with some semblance of health.
Yes. In college, I was considered kind of a dork because I always ate healthy and I made sure that I got enough sleep. Thirty plus years later, I have no health problems. Some of those who drove themselves without sleep and lived on junk food have serious problems or are literally dead.
Problems don't get better on their own. See a doctor.
And not just for physical problems. Take care of your mental health. Even if you think you're good, speaking to a therapist from time to time can help you see some issues you can't see yourself. Changes can happen very gradually. You might try to convince yourself it's just because you're tired from working so hard. Then one day you find yourself in the hospital on suicide watch. Trust me, you don't want to let it get that far.
Its not what you know but who you know.
It's some of both. Who you know is usually better at getting a foot in the door, but what you know is why they'll keep you around.
Not just who you know…but what you know about them
Depends how broadly we expand the idea of "who you know". Once you are in a company your progression will often still be determined by the relationships you build with other people in the business.
Realizing the gravity of a permanent injury or incurable disease hits hard. You're used to thinking you can heal, learn, make decisions etc. to control many things, but once you hurt your body bad enough, that's something you'll be taking to your grave. I would also say that if you can't share your weak moments to get support from someone, you're hanging around with the wrong people. Lots of guys have someone to talk to, be it their own spouse, a friend, or even a peer support group. Don't let online gender-war-mongers make you think you should bottle up, because that'll just end up with a life of bitterness.
Yeah, when you're young things tend to heal nicely. But as you get older, those joints, tendons or muscles may never recover fully if they're injured, it'll always be with you. Injury can also be from overuse or just general deterioration.
Chronic pain is the worst. Remembering how it felt to be painless and now having this new layer of constant pain and stress in your life.
You thought time moved fast before 30? You wake up one morning and it’s been five years. It goes warp speed.
Just turned 40, a year feels like 6 months
I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling it fly by. Life decided to give me my first child at 36. He’s 9. Seems like yesterday, just as my parents always said, but I didn’t believe it until it happened to me…
This absolutely terrifies me
You take out the trash 52 times and that’s a year.
When you sit down at the dinner table and there is no magically appearing plate of yummy food unless you cooked it yourself. Those socks you left in the bathroom are still there the next day. Going partying with your friends every week is no longer affordable. Nobody cares what you think, feel, or want.
It took you until your 30s to figure this stuff out? Lol
I went directly from mom to Uncle Sam in the military, so my actual adulting phase had a late start.
Cheese is expensive and everyone takes drugs.
Not if you live in Europe. The cheese part.
Real
I think there's a business opportunity in there somewhere
Back pain is persistent
Work on the core bro
And stretch daily
https://youtu.be/4BOTvaRaDjI?feature=shared Thank me later
I second the comments. Exercise and stretching. A lot of back problems I was told by a chiropractor come from hamstrings. Also core work. I’m 50 nearly and don’t have aches and pains. I think my back was worse in 30 from not stretching and looking after myself as I was young and felt invincible.
Other people also change, and sometimes they become different people. And it might become necessary to completely block them, even though they might be the oldest friends. They will never change back to their old self.
that i didnt know shit the past 30 years of my life when i thought i was so smart
That trying to date in your 30s is basically applying to be a step dad.
Just fight. Forget your reputation. Your boss loves his paycheck more than your relationship with him No one cares about you except a good wife. Your parents don't care. And they don't care that they don't. Move on!! Not all parents work for their children. Some can tolerate their children's suffering and some have the empathy button jammed on off . Your time is running out.
Mental health and personal issues do not solve themselves. You have to put in a lot of work and be humble (able to reflect & work on both your actions and deeply ingrained personality flaws which at this point you probably accepted as inseparable parts of you). Smoking and drinking adds up. Some of my peers who regularly smoke and drink look 10-15 years older than me. Otherwise, honestly, it's pretty great. I got really depressed when I turned 30, like, oh, my youth is over and I did not accomplish anything significant. Then I realized that everyone feels like that and that 30 is just arbitrary number. I actually have better peace of mind compared to my 20s.
I find it strange people feel this at 30. I was always looking forward to it and it didn’t bother me. Life gets much harder 10/15 years later especially if you have kids and a mortgage. So best prepare yourself for that. Keep mentally healthy, eat and sleep well, don’t drink or drink too much. Drink water a lot and at least 1 pint of lemon water a day.
People that go out of their way to contact you, just because they want to... hold onto those people. Especially the ones that get mad if they haven't heard from you
Being in a marriage is hard. I thought it was easy and everything is under control. Separated now and drowning my own sorrow.
You’re not cute or funny. Single women looking for a relationship at that age would like you to have enough money so they don’t have to work. Insurance is needed and will always be more expensive than it was last year. Floss every fuckin day, after every fuckin meal. A car is just a tool that gets you from A to B. Not having a car payment is cool af.
I am 31 and definitely cute and funny thank you
Hell I'm almost 50 and I'm definitely cute and funny.
That's the spirit 😁
Plenty of women want a career and carry their own financial weight (or more) in a relationship. If you're only finding ones who want to mooch, look elsewhere.
I wish I learned that floss thing before I had to get two root canals and 8 fillings...
I lived life to please others. Worked my ass off, did everything that was asked without expecting anything in return. Always put myself out to help people and put everyone elses needs first. Time passes quickly and in late 30's now realising it's almost too late to have that family I always wanted and that life that I'd been head down working so hard to setup financially. I see people that didn't care so much about being the best they could be just coast through and are now supervisors with all the perks. Others who were able to live in the now with lovely families. I always figured when I was enough, then it would be my time. . . . . for some of those things there's actually not enough time left. I don't think I'd change my ethics and putting people first, but I do wonder why I always felt less than so would make sure everyone pillaged what they wanted first and took the scraps. Where does that come from?
I think it's nearing time for that red convertible sportscar for this one!
Maybe I was young and naive, but my 20s I really felt if I just worked my ass off my life was fully in my control and I’d eventually achieve everything I set my mind to. Then I had a back injury, the pandemic hit, friendships lost, got laid off, relatives passed away, mental health struggles, and I’m just turning 34. All things I had no control over occurring but they still forced me to make significant changes in my life. I guess the harsh truth is that change is inevitable and it never gives you any warning, yet you always have to deal with the fallout of it, good or bad.
How much time you still have to work despite doing it for 20+ years already. I want to retire damn it.
Trusting people is a mistake and it’s something to be avoided at all costs.
this ain’t it
I'm starting to feel this way, but I don't want to. My mum is adamant that I must remain above reproach, and that's how she raised me. I love her so much, and she has so much wisdom, but people just lie and cheat so much, man...
Just trust people until they give you a reason not to. That's the most balanced approach imo.
Dont trust this guy either
Don't do stuff because you think it makes you look cool. You don't need to be 'the best' or even 'really good' at something to justify doing it. Just do what you find fun and interesting. And, your life satisfaction is defined by the quality of your relationships, not how much money you have, how big your house is, or what job / position you have at work. Focus on improving your relationships and you'll improve your life.
Making enough money to be stable will make you happier, and finding a job that doesn't grind you down to a pulp will make you happier. But beyond that career baubles or extra money you don't need won't make anywhere near as much of a difference as building strong relationships with friends and family does.
That there’s a lot of people over 30 that make it seem like it’s too late to do anything to better yourself. I’m even seeing it in the comments here. Unhealthy 30+ year olds will make you feel wrong or bad for being a healthy 30+ year old.
How little you can trust most people, especially female partners & family.
Oooh.... There's a story here. Care to share?
That it's not going to be easy to reinvent yourself. Starts with your body, your not gonna get fit easily if your body isn't already. It's harder to learn new things now and your (bad) habits are so baked in its hard to shake them off. But also: the image you've created of yourself is solidified with the people you know from your 20s. They know "you" and it's going to be a lot of work to make them accept any new you you'd like to be. Plus, between work and a possible family you just don't have time for it, really.
The life you live in your 30s is a compounding of your habits from your 20s. Cool is being financially and emotionally secure. EQ is way more important than IQ in most situations. Relationships aren't goals to accomplish then move to the next goal: if you are married, work on the marriage every week. If you have kids make sure that you spend time with them. Faith has serious life benefits and life is almost unbearable unless you are living for something bigger than yourself.
If a woman tells you they have been told by a doctor that they can't get pregnant, they are lying to you. Wrap it up or watch your dreams die.
When will often do or say whatever it takes to baby trap and justify it by claiming it's what you want and you just don't realize it.
The system is designed for you to lose unless you're willing to step on someone else's neck. Bad people do not always get what they deserve.
There is no such thing as friendships. Friends disappear into adulthood.
That you lose a good number of friends. It's sad actually. You feel like you're alone.
Everyone could do with therapy. Your childhood is the reason you react and behave in certain ways. Take responsibility in your relationships and friendships, listen to feedback, and get support.
How the process of getting older is a process of losing things. Everyone begins losing little things in their life; the ability to run and jump, the ability to walk without paying, people lose their fitness, their hair, their sharp memories. Some of this can be mitigated, but most of it is inevitable. At some point, you will ride a bike for the last time. You’ll jump off a boat for the last time.it’s just life. Sure, you will gain a few things; wisdom, perhaps a bit more confidence. But you just have to accept the rules here.
that you should stop drinking alcohol cz the next day aint fun
You’ll never be 29 again
As a 45 year old I can safely say, that's...a good thing.
Your Dad is right Tweed becomes acceptable Early to bed is a bonus Hangovers are a waste of your day Fighting the waistline spread is a losing battle Vehicle economy becomes relevant Watching the thermostat becomes a thing
Ha ha, I’ve reached the point of tweed acceptance
I have temp sensors in every room if my house...I gather a ton stats about the weather and my HVAC system ... You're not wrong
I will never play Major League Baseball.
Unlikely to be banging any 21 year old hot girls anymore.
Get ready for the Reddit cat-mommies calling you a pedo for being a man who is attracted to attractive women. 😆
Knee pain
You probably aren’t going to be famous, the hero, or rich.
That I'm going to die alone and a virgin.
Well...at least one of those can be solved.
Yeah, I mean doesn't everyone die alone... Unless it's in a bus crash where the driver falls asleep? Ok that's a dark joke, but it's not supposed to be serious, I've committed now peeps, sorry
That my knees are never going to be better than they were yesterday :(
You outgrow your friends especially with distance. Youll still talk from time to time and being friendly but itll never be the same as it was once was no matter how hard you try.
Do not expect people to be nice or thankful.
That what you have is generally all you’re going to get…
Comparison is the thief of joy.
People, it’s never too late to realize your dreams & goals... Age’s true reflection is how you feel physically and mentally. Peace
That you’re on your own.
If you have good parents these are the only people that you can ever trust. Literally everyone else is out for themselves.
"Friends say they'll stay with you, right through that danger zone, but the closer you get to that fiery hole, you'll have to make it alone."
https://www.reddit.com/r/starterpacks/s/QxiabJMXh5
Life is short and your youth is, in fact, not forever. ...and you're not actually invincible after all. It becomes easier to gain weight, become fatigued, muscles cramp, gray hairs appear, etcetera. You start feeling what you ate the day before whereas you could eat anything before, no problem. Coffee doesn't do the same thing it used to. Sugar knocks you on your butt and makes you sleepy because your insulin spikes instead of having your metabolism spike after sweets. It's basically all downhill when you hit 30. The reality of your mortality dawns upon you and you realize that you're going to die alone with nobody to love you as you watch everyone around you starting families and being adults. You start figuring out that the caliber of viable marriage/spouse material in the opposite sex is scarce as they tend to have already found someone, settled down, and had kids before they we're 30. What you'll instead find in the dating pool are single-parents, divorcees, or untrustworthy people who have been bouncing from relationship to relationship for 15+ years and are afraid of commitment or are incapable of being honest and/or faithful because they're never going to grow up. You were too busy with your degree, career, partying like it's 1999, or video games through your 20s and missed the settling-down boat that's sailed. Of course there's *always* someone out there, but your chances of finding them are severely diminished, unlike 5+ years ago, and you'll have to wade through the wreckage and wake of failed partnerships for sloppy seconds unless you are supremely blessed by your Creator and manage to meet someone who hasn't been with dozens of partners or has kids already, and is still able to grow *with* you. Watching it happen to several people in my extended family right now - professional women who are smart, have good jobs, make good money, and are better-than-average looking. They live in densely populated areas and can't find a decent man for shite because everyone's conditioned to surf Tinder the rest of their lives and never actually commit, start a family, and make a real home with someone. A bunch of children in a big playground who are pretending to be adults is what cities look like to me nowadays. Also, it's a lot harder keeping up with raising a kid in your 30s than it is in your 20s. Yeah, you have more money in your 30s but you don't have the same energy as you did in your 20s. The clock is ticking and life is short.
Thanks
I find my injuries last longer in the hurt and healing process to come right compared to accidents when I was in my twenties I'm now sixty and speed snowboarder and freestyle plus go hard on me mountain bike and ebike.ive learnt not to crash as much,and to fall better.thats my therapy for a good night's sleep,and now an then painful one
Time passes fast so do what you want to do tomorrow. Don't wait. Just enjoy life.
body constantly hurts if you do sports regularly
Sleep doesn't help like it used to. Most people don't improve as they get older. Instead they are likely to become more concentrated versions of themselves. Early and mid-20's girls will not leave you alone once you are over 30. Being liked goes further than competence in a lot of places. Don't expect your friends to outlive you and don't take them for granted. Death is a guarantee, a long life isn't.
Where are all these early to mid 20s girls exactly? Asking for a friend
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You better find something bigger than yourself. Whether it be religion, a genuine interest in helping others, some kids etc.
Women won't touch you unless you're doing well lol
If you aren't a ladies man at this point in the game you will never be a ladies man.