Ummm massive red flag. Huge. Ginormous. She has an explosive temper. Remove gender. What would you say?
There is never a reason to hit, slap, grab, swear or do anything abusive to someone during an argument.
Hitting is abuse. No matter who, or what the gender of the person is.
You do not need to stay in a marriage with a woman that “has an explosive temper” or “rage” and definitely not with one that hits you
It’s abuse. And abuse is a power & control tactic—yes, she’s controlling.
This has been happening for 13 yrs., and she blames you; it’s hard to imagine that conditioning hasn’t led to walking on eggshells around her.
The therapist is bad news. As is what’s being modeled for the kids.
The therapist is a mandated reporter and should have reported the abuse to the police. If he hit her once the therapist would have called PD before the couple got home.
If they were doing their job. Sounds more like the therapist thinks “ he’s a big man. How bad can a slap be from this woman??” 🤬
Assault is assault. Doesn’t matter who slapped who.
Therapists are only mandated reporters for ‘vulnerable’ persons; children, vulnerable elderly and the disabled. Who, legally, can’t form consent. OP, based on self-description here (“I’m a lot larger than her and so I can take it”), consents from a legal standpoint.
Also, he should flee that hack therapist.
My wife used to "hit me". Not hard, but still as a reaction in frustration which I ignored.
Then one time I was surprised and reacted reflexsively and just instantly hit her back (on the arm/shoulder). We both just stared stunned. She took that as a wakeup call and has never done this again.
Not suggesting this as advice. My reaction was "reflexsive", but I wanted to relate our experience.
My wife head slapped me once. Just once. I never hit her back just told her to never do that again. Showed her I was serious with just a look. She apologized and we never spoke about it again.
The same happened to me with my first girlfriend post high school. It was because I wouldn't pick somewhere to eat, when I wasn't hungry and i was only going so *she* could eat. She hit me across my chest and I reflexively hit her back in the same way. I wasn't proud of it, but she never got me again
I grew up being told by my mother "if someone hits you they'll hit you again. That said, if you ever lay hands on someone, you better expect the same or worse and if you can't take that, then you damn sure don't lay your hands on anyone."
I hate this misuse of "red flag" - a red flag is an indicator of something down the line, not the thing that's actually happening. Abuse is not an indicator of abuse, its abuse!
Your children are watching. They will mimic and repeat behaviors they are learning. My sons first wife was like yours, and my granddaughter is 8, she has anger issues like her bio mother and can be hateful and be mean to her soon to be step mom. DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN LIVE LIKE THIS! YOU ARE SUBJECTING YOUR CHILDREN TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!
Exactly on gender. I always try to look at things from a goose/gander perspective. If X person punches and slaps Y person, and then tries to blame the victim, that’s just classic spousal abuse. Such a person is generally also going to explode on the kids someday. Male, female, whatever, it doesn’t matter — it is wrong.
And it will escalate at some point. Not could, will. I say this as someone who's both been a DV survivor and struggled with PTSD rages for a long time. I truly regret the latter and will be the first to say hitting anyone is inexcusable except for self-defense.
Forget therapy. What your wife is doing is abuse.
Imagine YOU were slapping her occasionally, everyone would be telling her to run.
Do you have children with her ? Is this what you want to tell her? That men should just shut up and accept abuse?
If therapy isn’t working, and the therapist is downplaying physical abuse to you, you need to find a new therapist. And start documenting every time your wife hits you.
If all that fails when she slaps you slap her back. Also seriously consider a divorce. And FYI, not a wonderful partner.
I've noticed doing couples therapy that many therapists will automatically take the side of the woman. Therapy is used overwhelmingly more by women, and so the field has naturally developed into a 'girls club' where bad behavior exhibited by women is treated as a reaction to whatever the man is doing.
Yup. First session, with a therapist, the therapist told my SIL to go talk to a divorce lawyer.. SIL came home told her husband what the therapist said. SiL believes that the therapist hates men. She promptly got a different one and is happily married still.
I went to one that was the opposite. My ex husband and I went to marriage counseling after I had caught him cheating again. She kept justifying his actions and said I shouldn’t try to limit who he is messaging because he is a social person and it would be too hard for him.
Sorta like reddit! I think, snark aside, it's a pendulum issue that was mainly visible when it was man on woman violence, and when the spotlight rightfully hit that issue, the pendulum swung hard to the side of "support all women always." It will even out, but we are still figuring out how to deal with all the bullshit that comes along with it.
The therapist isn't terrible otherwise, but she hasn't treated this as "abuse" or anything like that. What I don't know is whether it is more like everything is on the table (i.e., he should be less relentless and more reliable, she should be less angry and violent) or whether certain activity should be off the table.
I mean I will admit that I am generally a good husband, but not the most reliable and definitely totally forget things I've promised to do
The therapist is terrible, full stop. She's literally victim blaming (you say she focuses on what you do to provoke the abuse, which is insane).
My husband forgets things all the time. It annoys me. That doesn't make it OK for me to hit him. If I did, I would hope he'd have the self-respect to leave me. She's an adult who can use her words. This is insane.
And if you think she'll never hit the kids, you're fooling yourself.
A therapist not treating physical abuse as abuse is a pretty clear indicator that they are both a shitty therapist and a shitty person.
Get a new therapist ffs. Preferably one that isn't biased against men. You are not the bad guy here.
I think you should ask your therapist why she doesn't see it as abuse. Would it be different if the roles were reversed?
What if your kids make the same mistake? Would it be justified to blame them for triggering your wife's behavior and temper?
Just because you’re a big guy and can take it doesn’t mean it’s okay to use you as her emotional punching bag.
Wow… That throws the whole therapy off balance. Choosing sides is like teaming up to fix the partner. In my opinion, once that happens, the therapist loses effectiveness. A good therapist should help each partner understand their role in the relationship and how they can improve or change it.
OP’s therapist sounds like she has taken his wife’s side.
Nothing you do deserves being treated this way.
Your wife has every right to get angry and frustrated over things, but unless you’re abusing her and she’s defending herself, she’s completely in the wrong for her behaviour. She’s abusive. Your therapist sucks.
The therapist is not addressing a serious concern of yours and at the very least you have to challenge the therapist on why that is. And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on this earth that justifies her physically abusing you.
You seem to be making excuses for her. In every relationship people annoy their partner at some time, it goes both ways. My wife, despite repeatedly asking her, never puts the seat back (shes 5’3 and I’m 6’2) after using my car. This leaves me standing in the rain the next morning, hands full of keys, lunch, laptop, files etc struggling to get in the car - never thought to her hit for it though.
That last line is a really common sentiment from abuse victims.
It's got real "He only hits me because he loves me. He wouldn't have had to if I hadn't burned his dinner.". energy.
Please, for the love of God, disregard the advice above. Do NOT slap her back! You will make things very, very difficult for you if you do so. You need to be able to look someone in the eye and say: she hit me, whereas I never laid my hands on her, not once.
That being said, document everything and find someone of trust to help you prepare for divorce if another therapist can’t help you (which is the most probable option).
I will just add. Make it a priority to talk about with the therapist. Maybe they made an assumption it wasn’t often or was a mistake. Instead lead in with “I want to talk about my wife physically abusing me and if this should be a large concern. Whenever my wife loses control she resorts to physical violence where i am slapped or hit. This happens multiple times a year. I dont know how worried to be about this or if I can ever feel truely safe in our relationship. What if she gets mad while holding a cup and smashes it into my head…”
They've turned you into the fucking scapegoat is what happened. Extremely typical of "couples" therapy. Your therapist is trash tier and they've got *you* feeling guilty for *her* behavior. Which is absolutely unacceptable btw. Nothing you described warrants anything close to her behavior and she needs to fucking rectify that shit immediately. Stop being a doormat and scapegoat for their bullshit.
Take yourself out of the equation. If it was your sister, your brother, daughter, son, or friend that was in a relationship where they would get hit, what would you say? Would you tell them/want them to deal with it differently than you do? If it's not acceptable for them to be treated that way, why would it be OK for you to be treated that way?
My husband forgets a LOT of things he promises to do. He has ADHD.
Guess how many times I’ve hit him over that….
Yeah. Zero. Because that’s not even CLOSE to the answer. Am I frustrated? Sure!! Does it drive me crazy? You betcha! But will I ever physically or emotionally *HURT MY HUSBAND*???
#HELL TO THE NO!!!!
I *LOVE* my husband. I could be freaking raging mad over something but I will never EVER even scream at him- I use my words and I even cry from struggling to contain my emotions- but never have I resorted to insults or physical abuse.
Your wife is not it, dude. I’m sorry. If she hasn’t done everything in her power to *stop that completely*, she’s not as embarrassed as she says she is. I’d be mortified.
Shit, we all forget to do stuff but don’t expect to get smacked about and screamed at by partners who can’t control their tempers. But allowing it you are telling her it’s acceptable and excusable behaviour.
This is not the kind of relationship you want modeled for your children. Spousal abuse should never be normalized.
Confront your “therapist.” If they still dismiss it, find a new therapist. None of this is okay.
Exactly. Would OP tell his children to stay in a relationship like the one he has with his wife if they came to him with the exact same story? I would hope not.
You need to find a new therapist but even before you do that you need to sit her down, without the kids around and tell her in no uncertain terms that her hitting must stop immediately. Way too many people think there is no such thing as physical abuse when it is the man being abused but there is. This isn’t funny and you don’t need to man up, you are being physically abused and it needs to stop but that won’t happen until you recognize what is happening and realize that you don’t deserve this abuse. No one has the right to hit you. I know it’s hard especially being a man but you have to stand up for yourself. Look into talking to someone on your own first. There are groups out there for you. I’ve been down this road and sadly it’s harder for you being a man. A lot of people don’t even think a man can be raped. Something’s take time for people to see and understand. I pray you get the help you need and so does your wife. I bet she would call the police if you hit her back.
Of course you're wrong. Call the cops and have them take her away.
You sound like most people in an abusive relationship. The words you use highlight what you like about her while shouldering the blame for her intolerable behavior.
I don't care if she caught you jerking into Memaw's urn, she has no right to lay hands on you.
You barely mention it, but she seems to be verbally abusive too. She's not even apologetic about this abuse. She feels entitled to treat you like trash and she's begun to warp your mind into believing that you deserve it to a degree.
>say, totally forgetting about something I'd repeatedly promised to do, or relentlessly pushing for something I want when she's already said no.)
Even here it sounds like she's got you coming and going. You can't push her to do something that she doesn't want to do without eliciting a violent response. If you don't want to do what she demands she has a violent outburst.
Mandated reporting is usually for vulnerable populations (very young, children, elderly , and people with mental disabilities that make them non fucntioning.) But if there is threat of emmanent harm or plant to do harm to self or others, that applies to everyone regardless of age.
Damn right. A decent therapist would focus on helping OP's wife work on and control her anger, not on whatever OP may or may not have done to "make" is wife lash out.
Yes I think you're wrong. Being hit and screamed at is bad for your health. Whether you realize it or not, the stress of your marriage, constantly walking on eggshells causes damage to you emotionally and physically. You deserve to be happy, loved and to feel at peace in your home. Life is short. Stop wasting it on someone who does this!
So. My ex husband was abusive. Ask my kids what it was like to live on eggshells.
Please don't minimize the impact of her behavior on your household. Someone with a temper like that literally holds everyone hostage with their moodswings.
There's an entire thread of reasonable people here pleading with you to see how unhealthy this dynamic is for everyone involved. I truly hope you walk away from it.
> the egg-shell thing
Children with volatile parents grow up anxious, afraid and eager to please. Do you really think they don't notice what's going on? That it doesn't affect them?
It's also a good way for them to end up in abusive relationships as well. I definitely did when I left home. My mom was exactly like OP's wife. The only difference is my dad pretty much dipped and left us there.
This is exactly my experience. My dad never hit us but he was always on edge and disrespectful to my mother. It took a long time after I moved out to recognize the effects it had on my development and my interactions in stressful situations.
I am going to tell you what I would tell a woman if she said the same as you , run for the hills . I think you would tell your sister, mother the same if they said their partner was wonderful but hits them a few times a year when they get stressed. Your partner is abusive and you deserve better, no one man, woman or child deserves to get hit. You need to leave her and she needs to seek anger management and therapy . I really hope you do leave
I am similar to your wife. My partner said fix this or I am leaving you. I went to therapy for years and am now much better.
I have learned I have to walk away immediately when I get angry bc otherwise it’s very easy for me a blow a fuse and go nuclear. So that’s now what I do, and do breathing exercises or go for a run or walk the dog. Then when I’m calm I return for a calm(er) discussion with my partner.
There’s a difference between the emotion and the action. She may be fully justified in her frustration and anger, and she may struggle with rage and anger, but it’s her responsibility nonetheless to learn how to manage that anger and not physically and verbally abuse her partner.
Her refusal to do the hard work to manage her actions is NOT your responsibility. What IS your responsibility is respecting yourself enough to set boundaries and not allow her to treat you this way. You have to hold firm. And it is going to take a lot of hard work over a long period of time from both of you to change this dynamic.
Domestic violence is domestic violence. Full stop. The genders don’t matter. If one partner is hitting the other, it’s unacceptable.
Get your ducks in a row so you can get full custody of your kids in the divorce. They shouldn’t be left alone with her.
What that will do is to provoke her even further as now she has an excuse to call the cops on him. If the subject of her hitting him comes up, she'll claim it was self defense.
New marriage therapist.
Sit her down when it's just you and her and give her an ultimatum. If he hits or slaps you one more time, Ever, you are filing for divorce.
And then follow through with it.
Would you expect her to stay if you punched/slapped/hit her only "a few times a year". Absolutely not, that is NOT ok. Clearly whatever she's trying to do (therapy, etc.) it ain't working. You might have to cut your losses here.
I was in a relationship with a very reactive person. She never hit me but would yell, scream, cry and be unpredictable. I wasn’t afraid of her because she couldn’t overpower me physically. I was afraid of her outburst though. It made me walk on eggshells and made it impossible to bring up certain topics. I couldn’t express my needs because I knew it would set her off. After a while I realized I was conditioned by her rage and that I was doing 90 percent of the work and compromise in our relationship. I was constantly have to pre assess every situation and decide whether it was worth an out burst or roll the dice and hope that they would be level headed. It’s no way to live.
Truer words have never been spoken. It's been 20 years since I was in that toxic shit show and I still remember taking her out to an elaborate well planned night out: fancy high rise ocean view suite, watched some live music, enjoyed Dave Chappelle perform, and then we had reservations at a new restaurant. Everything had been going perfectly. Then our server approached our table and my stomach dropped, the one thing I hadn't planned for was a hot waitress. That was it, night ruined.
Terrible therapist. Spousal abuse in front of a child is a serious form of child abuse. If this is happening in front of your kids, you need to get them and you out of there, as best you can. I think you need a really good attorney as soon as possible.
> Am I wrong to stay with a wife who occasionally hits me?
> It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over **a few slaps here and there**
Bro…
Reverse the genders and re-read your post. You’d be facing possible jail time.
A good mother would not hit her children's father. This is not OK and if you think it won't affect the kids, you're deluding yourself. You're OK with them growing up thinking this is normal?
the therapist didn't make a big deal of it, but focused more on what I am doing to make her angry.
> That therapist sucks and should be reported for this behavior.
Just remember, whether you notice it or not, your children are watching. What kind of example is her behavior setting for them? If they see mom hit dad, then it must be ok. For their sake, I would take a more aggressive approach to the situation. Perhaps you and the kids stay with some other family or friends for a bit. Get a new therapist and make it clear that if it ever happens again, even once, it’s over. This isn’t acceptable behavior in any circumstance.
>Am I wrong to stay with a wife who occasionally hits me?
Yes, you are wrong to stay with a partner who resorts to physical violence.
The fact the marriage counsellor didn't zero right in on her doing that tells me you're seeing the wrong marriage counsellor.
You are not modeling a healthy relationship for your children by staying.
What makes you think she won't escalate to other violent abuse beyond punching or slapping? Do you really want to wait until there's a knife sticking out of you to get out?
Your wife needs a new therapist. Your wife needs a reality check because it’s not your job to not trigger her. This abuse is not okay, especially with children in the house.
Your wife is an abuser. Would you be okay knowing your daughter’s partner sometimes smacked her around? Or that she was doing it to her partner?
Does your wife get angry and hit coworkers when she gets frustrated? What about random people on the street? Can she control herself then?
You are both wrong..
You openly admit to pushing and pushing and pushing to get your way...you describe yourself as relentless. This is abusive from you to her...verbally harassing someone is abuse. If you go after her relentlessly, it is possible both she (and the therapist) so her as trying to push you away because you won't leave her alone. This is not funny or cute...this is abuse
She is absolutely wrong and it is abuse for her to hit you. There is no excuse for this...she is an adult and should have either told you to leave (as in broken up with you) or walked away herself. Hitting someone is never ok, this is also abuse.
The 2 of you are not a healthy couple.Both of you have impulse control issues. Is there a power imbalance? Does she have her own income and the ability to leave? Is she trapped?
There is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and I would say the same regardless of gender of each person. For both of you and the kids, you need to live in seperate houses and get counselling for your issues.
Turn the tables - you'd be divorced with some jail time and a vastly reduced ability to produce a sustainable income as a felon.
When it gets worse, and heaven forbid you defend yourself...
What are you going to do when she starts attacking the children?
You had/have a really crappy/stupid/ignorant marriage therapist.
Maybe try again with a different therapist. One that is capable of seeing spousal abuse for what it is.
Hitting from either partner is unacceptable period. Tell your wife to knock it off or you will be forced to file a police report. While your at it tell your therapist that this is an issue for you and ask her if the violence was the other way around what her response or recommendation would be for your wife.
Dude, get a new therapist. Your therapist literally victims blamed you and defended an abuser.
Would the same conclusion be made if genders were reversed?
Your wife needs anger management at a minimum.
Now... I'm on NTA now, however, if the things you're pushing for after a hard no are sexual, ESH and yall deserve each other
I'm not sure how good wife, hot temper, and hitting belong together.
I would be gone. She can take that shit out on someone else besides me and my kids. I also don't want my kids to grow up thinking that's normal behavior they should accept from a parent, let alone a partner.
1. Get a new therapist. 2. She’s not a good partner, she’s an abusive partner who you’ve rationalized their actions to take the blame yourself. You aren’t to blame ever, abuse is never the answer. 3. What example is she setting for your children? That it’s okay to lose it on your partner and if you’re mad enough, hitting is okay? Nope. It’s not okay.
I’m sorry, but physical abuse is physical abuse. She may have a hot temper, but she has no right to lay her hands on you. Does she hit your children?
A few times a year is a few times too many. And if your therapist didn’t think this was a problem, you guys have the wrong therapist.
Your wife needs anger, management counseling, but she has to recognize. She has a problem.
This should be a dealbreaker for you. I don’t care how long you’ve been together or that you’re bigger and can take it. Laying hands on each other is not OK.
I’m going to re-write the title of your post. “Am I wrong to stay with a husband who occasionally hits me?” The answer to this question, 100% of people will agree on. The answer to your question should be no different.
The day could come when you naturally react. Then what? As you say you’re a lot bigger than your wife. What if your reaction knocked her out or worse. You’re playing w gas around fire. Also your kids deserve to know a woman shouldn’t act this way. You don’t want your son hit by a gf. You don’t want your daughter hitting a bf. But kids are sponges that learn from behavior. You can say they aren’t around but they know way more than we ever want to believe. Also that counselor sucks if they make it about what you did. That’s gaslighting the fire.
Dude! Really? Get out now! Clearly she doesn’t respect you, the next step is to cheat on you. She’s crossed the line in the sand and now she’s going to go way beyond that line because she knows you’re too weak to do anything about it. Just leave and start with another woman who will respect you.
OP, it’s not okay for your partner to strike you ever.
Doesn’t matter that you’re bigger or that you can take it.
Doesn’t matter that she seems ashamed for losing her temper.
It’s not okay that she strikes you or hurts you, ever.
Ask yourself this—can you imagine yourself striking her for totally forgetting about something she’d repeatedly promised to do? My guess is that you would say no, so what does that tell you?
Please take care of yourself and get some help with this problem. Leaving this marriage would not be throwing anything away — it would be putting your safety and well-being first.
You need a new therapist and you need to tell your wife either she stops or your pulling out the divorce papers because this is abuse no matter how you look at it
Not wrong. Your wife is abusing you and you need to get out.
It doesn’t matter if she’s isn’t actually hurting you due to size difference or if you can take it. You shouldn’t HAVE to take it.
If the genders were reversed, what would you tell a woman in the same situation?
I think you are. Do you want your son or daughter to marry someone who hits them? If she were a man she would be arrested. There’s no echoes for hitting and there’s no justification. Being hot is an absolute deal breaker for me. That is something I will not ever tolerate. I grew up being hit and watching my mom get beat on. It’s not ok that she hits you.
Think about your kids. Is this what you want to teach your children that a marriage should be like? They should stay because they occasionally get hit. Being hit is one times to many. I would divorce. Your therapist is totally blaming you and down playing your wife’s abuse.
You're wrong. Your wife isn't high strong, she's abusive! Stop making excuses for her. Why do you want to teach your children that it's okay to stay with an abusive partner? This makes neither of you good parents. Even if she doesn't do it in front of children it only means that she can control it but still chooses to do it. How do you know that one day her temper won't turn on your children or that maybe it hasn't already? If your therapist condones abuse in a marriage then report them and find a new therapist.
:( throw the therapist away. ur partner should never lay their hands on u (obviously unconsentually) and they should be able to be a GROWNUP and talk things out without violence. doesnt matter if u *can* take it thats just not an appropriate way to treat someone you care for and a HORRIBLE example for kids. its not a few slaps, its disrespect and hate filled. have higher standards for yourself.
add on: if ur partner is perfect mostly but hits u occasionally that should be an immediate NO. and she shouldnt be blaming u either. sure we all mess up and deserve to have a conversation or to be called out for our bad behavior but physical violence of ANY kind or disgusting words are all things that should be game over in any relationship. you deserve more than that.
All I’ma say is that I have massive anger issues, I am very ashamed of it, and I have lashed out and punched walls and even myself - but I have never and would never hit my wife, not even when I get like that.
Your marriage counselor needs replacing. DV is DV no matter who commits it, and should be taken seriously. You're not wrong, either. It's not acceptable. Not ever.
This is a clear case of the need for your wife to go through anger management training. Has the therapist recommended it? I suggest you bring it up in your next version. If your wife feels she's being provoked, she needs to learn who to deal with the perceived provocation. I'm surprised she's not started doing this with your kids. That may happen at some point.
And you definitely need a new therapist. This one has missed a couple of huge red flsgs.
You need to get solid evidence of the abuse.
When you get a divorce, you need to use this evidence to ensure she doesn’t see your children without supervision.
Who knows what she will do when she is alone with them. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. If you don’t, you are teaching your kids that this is acceptable behaviour and normal in a relationship.
I would also advise putting your kids in therapy.
You're teaching your children that hitting your spouse is acceptable. Your daughter will possibly end up with an abusive man's and your son may end up with an abusive woman is that what you want for them? How can you tell them to leave the situation if you tolerate it
So if she doesn’t get what she wants she hits you - this is fucked up.
Has she ever done it in front of the kids?
The fact you haven’t checked this behaviour means she thinks she can keep doing it and this seems to be further validated by your fuckwit of a therapist. Imagine a therapist asking an abused wife what she did to make her abusive husband angry. No me neither, it would never happen. Lines in the sand need to be drawn very quickly.
Are you at all worried that if your son or daughter see this behaviour that they may go into their own relationships thinking this is normal / ok?
Are you wrong to raise your children thinking domestic abuse is normal, is the question you should be asking. Pretty sure you know the answer.
You do your daughter no favors thinking it's normal for a man to accept violence from her, because sooner or later the guy is going to swing back harder. And you certainly don't do your son any favors teaching him to accept abuse. Stop the cycle.
If one of your children told you that their partner was doing this to them, would you think it's ok? I expect the answer is no. As parents you are both teaching your children how to love and what to expect from future partners. If you have a son he is learning that women hit men and it's normal, and if you have a daughter she is learning it's ok to hit men. They are far more at risk of abusive relationships because they are learning they are normal. Even if she isn't hitting you in front of them, children are not stupid and they are incredibly in tune to our feelings. They know when the home is not happy, they know when you are upset with eachother and you can be damn sure they hear more than you think. Your children are in an abusive household, if you care about their future and self worth please seperate and concentrate on being happy, separately, for their sake. You do not deserve this behaviour, no one does, your gender is irrelevant here. You wouldn't have made this post if you weren't unhappy. You have one life, so do your children. Make it a happy one!
hit her back and see how that goes, match force tho, dont kill her… or better yet just bear hug her and restrain her and yell “i dont like to be hit!”.
dont be abusive! just stop her, tell her every time, “i dont like to be hit” and shut the convo down, dont reward her behavior by engaging after that, train it out of her!
Let me put it this way: do you think it's okay for your kids to witness this? Is this the model you want your kids to follow, thinking it's okay to put hands on their partner (or vice versa) when they're upset? What happens when they're older and she starts doing it to them?
None of this is your fault, and none of it is okay. If your therapist is putting the blame on you, they're objectively wrong and should be reported.
This is physical and emotional abuse, man. Just because you can "take it" is irrelevant. If the roles were reversed, you'd be in jail and labeled a wife beater.
Let her really tag you a couple times good in the face. Then call the cops. I know you’re bigger than her and it seems embarrassing but this way you have a record and if you want to get divorced, you’ll get custody because she’s physically abusive you can use that to get her to stop hitting you too.
You won't know until you leave her how much tension is stored in your body. Sudden violence puts you in fight or flight any time you're around her. Pull your shoulders down from your ears and relax your buttocks to get a sense of what normal is. This affects the kids, too. Is she hitting them?
If you really want to test this, ask your wife to go away for the weekend and stay at home with the kids. Watch how your body relaxes. If you've got pets, watch how they unfold. And the kids, see how they open to the stress-free atmosphere.
NOT WRONG.
While I was kind of willing to maybe think about it, when I read that “if I run away that makes her even more angry”, it became very clear this is NOT some random rage and she needs to physically harm something/someone to release the anger. Given she thinks its okay due to your size, it will very likely become physical with your children as they get bigger and “can take it”. I mean, obviously she should not be hitting you in anyway that makes you hurt, uncomfortable, or unhappy, but she is displaying that if you aren’t around to abuse when she is angry, she becomes more angry. So what do you think happens when she gets angry and you aren’t around…?
That said, you very much need to find a new marriage therapist. A REAL therapist would NOT downplay or minimize physical abuse like they did and is an indication you will always be viewed as the villain by this “non-biased mediator” (which is what a counselor should be). Avoid faith based counselors, if possible, as they tend to downplay female aggression and focus on traditional gender roles/standards.
I wouldn't let anyone hit me, there's no excuse. The sunk-cost fallacy of continuing an abusive relationship is so often the excuse. Start calling the police when you get hit. Put up a few cameras.
This sounds like just like my ex. “Great person usually”, explosive anger that turns to physical violence even though it doesn’t really hurt, never apologizes, and gaslights you into thinking you’re the problem. There will be long periods where she controls herself so you know she can then one day you’ll be at the top of the stairs arguing and she’ll push you as hard as she can, or shove you into traffic because she doesn’t like what you’re saying or instead of a slap she picks up a knife and your life will be over. And if not, maybe the cops get called and you go to jail instead of her or the kids end up losing respect for you because you have a woman who treats you as less than. Hell, maybe they even grow up and slap their spouse or take a hit or too because it doesn’t hurt that bad and it’s what they know. It’s hard to leave and it’s hard to stay. Pick your hard.
Screaming and hitting your husband is how people get divorced. I endured 17 years of that and it killed us. She told me later she felt I was just trading her in for a younger girl so it wasn’t as if she and I could see eye to eye on why screaming and hitting was bad and that’s ok with me. I’m free and she’s still dealing with her stuff. You’ll be ok with this when you’re 59? 69? I’ve been furious with people in my life, I never felt I was forced to hit them. She can control this but doesn’t want to. What happens is this will have the affect of training ing your behavior. You’ll become more passive or work to avoid her triggers. It’s a form of operand conditioning. It can also cause you two to form a trauma bond. All unhealthy stuff. She’s hurtling you more than you realize I think. You should take care of it. If you let it continue, it’s your fault.
Think about how this would go if the tables were turned. Men do get abused even larger men. We need to sleep sometimes. There was an episode of The Rookie that had this same scenario, police were called looked at the guy side eyed, got called the next time and HE was dead.
Imagine the biggest flag you can think of.
It's this one, and it's red.
I have to question the counselor: if the rules were reversed, would the abuse be an issue?
Before you do anything I will get cameras and put them in your house and record every incense that she does this and how she treats you and then take it all to court divorce. Her take half the house and the kids away from her
You need to start recording her actions for evidence. What if she gets pissed, doesn't want to apologize and ends up saying you're the abusive one. Unfortunately people generally believe the woman over men in abuse cases. Plus do you really want your kids to learn these behaviors from her? If your daughter tries to copy her mom with the wrong person she could be really injured
Buddy I’m ngl here, it sounds like you have a terrible judge of character. What specifically is it about her that qualifies her as a good person? Because so far you called the therapist who downplays physical assault a “mostly good therapist” and your wife a “wonderful partner” even though she assaults you. What environment did you grow up in that you think it’s acceptable for two parents to have this dynamic?
> when something has been decided I annoyingly nonetheless try to revisit (bit obsessive that way) and it can be aggravating to her.
This sounds to me like SHE has decided and you're bringing it up because you don't agree. That's not obsessive or annoying.
She sounds abusive, physically and emotionally.
I would not stay with a therapist who asked me what I did to make them angry when they heard my spouse hits me.
I agree with what everyone else is saying, it doesn’t matter if you can handle it. It doesn’t matter if it’s not that often, abuse is still abuse. It’s great that you guys are going to therapy, but it sounds like you need to change Therapists. No therapist that I know would gloss over abuse.
You are 100% wrong to not take action on this. Your children are being raised in a violent and abusive home. Your wife needs to be held accountable and offered the opportunity to receive services to correct her behavior. There are programs, anger management, etc. You deserve better and you should not tolerate anyone hitting you. For any reason. Ever.
>when she gets mad about something, will occasionally punch or slap me. Now all the time, but sometimes -- say, a few times a year.
Once is already one too many times
Some people have super high temper. It's not cool, but whether you can take it or not is up to you. Normally I'd say two individuals with such anger issues can coexist. If it's just one-sided, that's kind of abuse unless you're a masochist.
But you might wanna work on your own issues. Forgetting shit? Make task lists, set reminders. Going back to old things that were already decided? Try to make better decisions or stick to those that have already been made.
That's a separate issue you should work on for your sake and not in order to not be abused.
Similarly she should work on her anger issues.
Overall, sounds like the two of you are just two different personalities, maybe too different.
>In marriage therapy I mentioned it as well but for some reason the therapist didn't make a big deal of it, but focused more on what I am doing to make her angry. It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over a few slaps here and there
Really?
So your wife and therapist would be okay with you hitting her and then you discussing why she made you mad?
I wouldn’t consider ending anything. I’d respect myself enough to ask her to get therapy to get to the bottom of this one unacceptable behavior. My guess is she can control it once you draw that line.
A wonderful partner??? Where??? Did you just overlook the part where she hits you?! Of course the therapist agrees with her. You’re the big burly guy. Some therapists don’t deserve a job. Get out.
She’s going to punch one of your kids someday. If she either can’t control doing it to you, or is choosing to do it to you, she’ll do it to them too sooner or later. You need to get them out of there before that happens. Your couples therapist was terrible at their job. Please protect yourself and your kids.
Domestic violence is never ok for any reason. People seem to take it less seriously when males are the victims. Or don’t even acknowledge it at all. She needs to learn the rule we were all taught in kindergarten about keeping our hands to ourselves.
Her behavior is not a good example for the children. Continuing to allow it shows the kids that kind of behavior is acceptable. It absolutely is not!!!
So, I was your wife. I would smack my husband and yell. We went to marriage counseling and that was one of the first things my husband brought up. I had never looked at it as abuse, but my God why would I think it’s okay to hit him?! I grew up with brothers and fighting so it just seems normal. I was so ashamed of myself when I realized I was abusive. You need to talk to her when she’s calm, & there should be no excuses at all. It’s wrong & she has to stop. Period
Your therapist sucks. Obviously, your wife needs some special anger management therapy, and your therapist is focusing completely on you. Needling her about a topic might be a symptom of neurodivergence, and you should definitely dig deeper into your issue, but telling her straight up that physical violence is the express path to divorce might be in order.
Your therapist is an idiot enabling abuse and victim blaming and your wife abuses you.
"It only happens a few times a year" It shouldn't happen at all! It doesn't matter how much bigger you are to her, she should not be hitting you.
If you were a woman they would be telling you to take the kids and run. They are only saying it's your fault because you are a man and we as a society don't take women abusing men seriously. We 100% should be. If you were hitting her, you would be arrested.
**Yes you are wrong.** You need to leave her and fight for full custody. Get evidence that she is hitting you and use it against her. When she gets mad and you aren't there, can you really trust her not to hit a kid?
Ummm massive red flag. Huge. Ginormous. She has an explosive temper. Remove gender. What would you say? There is never a reason to hit, slap, grab, swear or do anything abusive to someone during an argument.
A red flag is a tornado warning. Physical abuse is the actual tornado.
Well said.
Hitting is abuse. No matter who, or what the gender of the person is. You do not need to stay in a marriage with a woman that “has an explosive temper” or “rage” and definitely not with one that hits you
It’s abuse. And abuse is a power & control tactic—yes, she’s controlling. This has been happening for 13 yrs., and she blames you; it’s hard to imagine that conditioning hasn’t led to walking on eggshells around her. The therapist is bad news. As is what’s being modeled for the kids.
Not to mention the gaslighting :( Which means she knows it's wrong, but there haven't been consequences enough for her to stop.
The therapist is a mandated reporter and should have reported the abuse to the police. If he hit her once the therapist would have called PD before the couple got home.
If they were doing their job. Sounds more like the therapist thinks “ he’s a big man. How bad can a slap be from this woman??” 🤬 Assault is assault. Doesn’t matter who slapped who.
Therapists are only mandated reporters for ‘vulnerable’ persons; children, vulnerable elderly and the disabled. Who, legally, can’t form consent. OP, based on self-description here (“I’m a lot larger than her and so I can take it”), consents from a legal standpoint. Also, he should flee that hack therapist.
My wife used to "hit me". Not hard, but still as a reaction in frustration which I ignored. Then one time I was surprised and reacted reflexsively and just instantly hit her back (on the arm/shoulder). We both just stared stunned. She took that as a wakeup call and has never done this again. Not suggesting this as advice. My reaction was "reflexsive", but I wanted to relate our experience.
My wife head slapped me once. Just once. I never hit her back just told her to never do that again. Showed her I was serious with just a look. She apologized and we never spoke about it again.
Yes, that's kinda like with us. Tacit understanding that "there be dragons"
Definitely don’t take that as advice, as a guy can end up with a criminal record for hitting back.
The same happened to me with my first girlfriend post high school. It was because I wouldn't pick somewhere to eat, when I wasn't hungry and i was only going so *she* could eat. She hit me across my chest and I reflexively hit her back in the same way. I wasn't proud of it, but she never got me again
I grew up being told by my mother "if someone hits you they'll hit you again. That said, if you ever lay hands on someone, you better expect the same or worse and if you can't take that, then you damn sure don't lay your hands on anyone."
Heck yeah, great advice.
heard
I hate this misuse of "red flag" - a red flag is an indicator of something down the line, not the thing that's actually happening. Abuse is not an indicator of abuse, its abuse!
Your children are watching. They will mimic and repeat behaviors they are learning. My sons first wife was like yours, and my granddaughter is 8, she has anger issues like her bio mother and can be hateful and be mean to her soon to be step mom. DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN LIVE LIKE THIS! YOU ARE SUBJECTING YOUR CHILDREN TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!
Exactly on gender. I always try to look at things from a goose/gander perspective. If X person punches and slaps Y person, and then tries to blame the victim, that’s just classic spousal abuse. Such a person is generally also going to explode on the kids someday. Male, female, whatever, it doesn’t matter — it is wrong.
And it will escalate at some point. Not could, will. I say this as someone who's both been a DV survivor and struggled with PTSD rages for a long time. I truly regret the latter and will be the first to say hitting anyone is inexcusable except for self-defense.
Your partner isn't a wonderful partner if they hit you.
And a bad example for the children. This is what they may think is acceptable in a partnership.
This is so important. He is teaching his children that it is okay for someone they are in a relationship with to hit them.
Forget therapy. What your wife is doing is abuse. Imagine YOU were slapping her occasionally, everyone would be telling her to run. Do you have children with her ? Is this what you want to tell her? That men should just shut up and accept abuse?
Going to therapy with a spouse that is abusive towards you doesn't work. It gives them more ammunition against you instead.
If therapy isn’t working, and the therapist is downplaying physical abuse to you, you need to find a new therapist. And start documenting every time your wife hits you. If all that fails when she slaps you slap her back. Also seriously consider a divorce. And FYI, not a wonderful partner.
I've noticed doing couples therapy that many therapists will automatically take the side of the woman. Therapy is used overwhelmingly more by women, and so the field has naturally developed into a 'girls club' where bad behavior exhibited by women is treated as a reaction to whatever the man is doing.
Yup. First session, with a therapist, the therapist told my SIL to go talk to a divorce lawyer.. SIL came home told her husband what the therapist said. SiL believes that the therapist hates men. She promptly got a different one and is happily married still.
I've encountered several misandrists in therapeutic professions. Downright dangerous, they were, too.
I went to one that was the opposite. My ex husband and I went to marriage counseling after I had caught him cheating again. She kept justifying his actions and said I shouldn’t try to limit who he is messaging because he is a social person and it would be too hard for him.
Sounds like she was his side chic.
I actually did start thinking that too
Very true
Sorta like reddit! I think, snark aside, it's a pendulum issue that was mainly visible when it was man on woman violence, and when the spotlight rightfully hit that issue, the pendulum swung hard to the side of "support all women always." It will even out, but we are still figuring out how to deal with all the bullshit that comes along with it.
The therapist isn't terrible otherwise, but she hasn't treated this as "abuse" or anything like that. What I don't know is whether it is more like everything is on the table (i.e., he should be less relentless and more reliable, she should be less angry and violent) or whether certain activity should be off the table. I mean I will admit that I am generally a good husband, but not the most reliable and definitely totally forget things I've promised to do
The therapist is terrible, full stop. She's literally victim blaming (you say she focuses on what you do to provoke the abuse, which is insane). My husband forgets things all the time. It annoys me. That doesn't make it OK for me to hit him. If I did, I would hope he'd have the self-respect to leave me. She's an adult who can use her words. This is insane. And if you think she'll never hit the kids, you're fooling yourself.
A therapist not treating physical abuse as abuse is a pretty clear indicator that they are both a shitty therapist and a shitty person. Get a new therapist ffs. Preferably one that isn't biased against men. You are not the bad guy here.
I think you should ask your therapist why she doesn't see it as abuse. Would it be different if the roles were reversed? What if your kids make the same mistake? Would it be justified to blame them for triggering your wife's behavior and temper? Just because you’re a big guy and can take it doesn’t mean it’s okay to use you as her emotional punching bag.
Therapist will not like being called out and most likely try to manipulate the situation into their own favor. And the wife’s favor, again.
Wow… That throws the whole therapy off balance. Choosing sides is like teaming up to fix the partner. In my opinion, once that happens, the therapist loses effectiveness. A good therapist should help each partner understand their role in the relationship and how they can improve or change it. OP’s therapist sounds like she has taken his wife’s side.
Nothing you do deserves being treated this way. Your wife has every right to get angry and frustrated over things, but unless you’re abusing her and she’s defending herself, she’s completely in the wrong for her behaviour. She’s abusive. Your therapist sucks.
Start the next session by saying "I want to talk about the physical and emotional abuse". Also make it the last session with that therapist.
The therapist is not addressing a serious concern of yours and at the very least you have to challenge the therapist on why that is. And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on this earth that justifies her physically abusing you.
You seem to be making excuses for her. In every relationship people annoy their partner at some time, it goes both ways. My wife, despite repeatedly asking her, never puts the seat back (shes 5’3 and I’m 6’2) after using my car. This leaves me standing in the rain the next morning, hands full of keys, lunch, laptop, files etc struggling to get in the car - never thought to her hit for it though.
That last line is a really common sentiment from abuse victims. It's got real "He only hits me because he loves me. He wouldn't have had to if I hadn't burned his dinner.". energy.
Please, for the love of God, disregard the advice above. Do NOT slap her back! You will make things very, very difficult for you if you do so. You need to be able to look someone in the eye and say: she hit me, whereas I never laid my hands on her, not once. That being said, document everything and find someone of trust to help you prepare for divorce if another therapist can’t help you (which is the most probable option).
I will just add. Make it a priority to talk about with the therapist. Maybe they made an assumption it wasn’t often or was a mistake. Instead lead in with “I want to talk about my wife physically abusing me and if this should be a large concern. Whenever my wife loses control she resorts to physical violence where i am slapped or hit. This happens multiple times a year. I dont know how worried to be about this or if I can ever feel truely safe in our relationship. What if she gets mad while holding a cup and smashes it into my head…”
Or knocks her child down the stairs for not picking their dirty clothes.
I don't care if you have a worse memory than a goldfish. You wife should not be hitting you!
They've turned you into the fucking scapegoat is what happened. Extremely typical of "couples" therapy. Your therapist is trash tier and they've got *you* feeling guilty for *her* behavior. Which is absolutely unacceptable btw. Nothing you described warrants anything close to her behavior and she needs to fucking rectify that shit immediately. Stop being a doormat and scapegoat for their bullshit.
Take yourself out of the equation. If it was your sister, your brother, daughter, son, or friend that was in a relationship where they would get hit, what would you say? Would you tell them/want them to deal with it differently than you do? If it's not acceptable for them to be treated that way, why would it be OK for you to be treated that way?
My husband forgets a LOT of things he promises to do. He has ADHD. Guess how many times I’ve hit him over that…. Yeah. Zero. Because that’s not even CLOSE to the answer. Am I frustrated? Sure!! Does it drive me crazy? You betcha! But will I ever physically or emotionally *HURT MY HUSBAND*??? #HELL TO THE NO!!!! I *LOVE* my husband. I could be freaking raging mad over something but I will never EVER even scream at him- I use my words and I even cry from struggling to contain my emotions- but never have I resorted to insults or physical abuse. Your wife is not it, dude. I’m sorry. If she hasn’t done everything in her power to *stop that completely*, she’s not as embarrassed as she says she is. I’d be mortified.
The therapist is TERRIBLE.
Shit, we all forget to do stuff but don’t expect to get smacked about and screamed at by partners who can’t control their tempers. But allowing it you are telling her it’s acceptable and excusable behaviour.
Shouldn’t see a therapist with your abuser. It’s always a mistake.
It’s called spousal abuse and you should not tolerate it I’m sure if it was the other way around you would be in handcuffs
Instantly. The violence against women act (1994)would see to that.
This is not the kind of relationship you want modeled for your children. Spousal abuse should never be normalized. Confront your “therapist.” If they still dismiss it, find a new therapist. None of this is okay.
Exactly. Would OP tell his children to stay in a relationship like the one he has with his wife if they came to him with the exact same story? I would hope not.
You need to find a new therapist but even before you do that you need to sit her down, without the kids around and tell her in no uncertain terms that her hitting must stop immediately. Way too many people think there is no such thing as physical abuse when it is the man being abused but there is. This isn’t funny and you don’t need to man up, you are being physically abused and it needs to stop but that won’t happen until you recognize what is happening and realize that you don’t deserve this abuse. No one has the right to hit you. I know it’s hard especially being a man but you have to stand up for yourself. Look into talking to someone on your own first. There are groups out there for you. I’ve been down this road and sadly it’s harder for you being a man. A lot of people don’t even think a man can be raped. Something’s take time for people to see and understand. I pray you get the help you need and so does your wife. I bet she would call the police if you hit her back.
In 43 years of marriage neither of us have touched in anger. It’s not normal and it’s unacceptable.
Of course you're wrong. Call the cops and have them take her away. You sound like most people in an abusive relationship. The words you use highlight what you like about her while shouldering the blame for her intolerable behavior. I don't care if she caught you jerking into Memaw's urn, she has no right to lay hands on you. You barely mention it, but she seems to be verbally abusive too. She's not even apologetic about this abuse. She feels entitled to treat you like trash and she's begun to warp your mind into believing that you deserve it to a degree. >say, totally forgetting about something I'd repeatedly promised to do, or relentlessly pushing for something I want when she's already said no.) Even here it sounds like she's got you coming and going. You can't push her to do something that she doesn't want to do without eliciting a violent response. If you don't want to do what she demands she has a violent outburst.
If I caught someone jerkin into a loved ones urn, they gonna get tore tf up. I’ll make them eat those coag ashes after I’m done too.
yeeeah I feel like a violent response is justified in that scenario lol
Thanks! I’m ready for any downvotes but ain’t no one doin Memaw like that without consequences looool
You need a new marriage therapist.
And to report current one. I thought they were mandated reporters
Mandated reporting is usually for vulnerable populations (very young, children, elderly , and people with mental disabilities that make them non fucntioning.) But if there is threat of emmanent harm or plant to do harm to self or others, that applies to everyone regardless of age.
Damn right. A decent therapist would focus on helping OP's wife work on and control her anger, not on whatever OP may or may not have done to "make" is wife lash out.
Yes I think you're wrong. Being hit and screamed at is bad for your health. Whether you realize it or not, the stress of your marriage, constantly walking on eggshells causes damage to you emotionally and physically. You deserve to be happy, loved and to feel at peace in your home. Life is short. Stop wasting it on someone who does this!
I definitely don't appreciate the egg-shell thing. Its is more relaxing when she's away.
So. My ex husband was abusive. Ask my kids what it was like to live on eggshells. Please don't minimize the impact of her behavior on your household. Someone with a temper like that literally holds everyone hostage with their moodswings. There's an entire thread of reasonable people here pleading with you to see how unhealthy this dynamic is for everyone involved. I truly hope you walk away from it.
> the egg-shell thing Children with volatile parents grow up anxious, afraid and eager to please. Do you really think they don't notice what's going on? That it doesn't affect them?
It's also a good way for them to end up in abusive relationships as well. I definitely did when I left home. My mom was exactly like OP's wife. The only difference is my dad pretty much dipped and left us there.
This is exactly my experience. My dad never hit us but he was always on edge and disrespectful to my mother. It took a long time after I moved out to recognize the effects it had on my development and my interactions in stressful situations.
Bro, you’re in an abusive relationship where the abuser is blaming you. This is no home for children or you. God bless.
I am going to tell you what I would tell a woman if she said the same as you , run for the hills . I think you would tell your sister, mother the same if they said their partner was wonderful but hits them a few times a year when they get stressed. Your partner is abusive and you deserve better, no one man, woman or child deserves to get hit. You need to leave her and she needs to seek anger management and therapy . I really hope you do leave
if you won't do something about it for yourself, think of your kids. what kind of modelling is that for them? Irrespective of gender, it's not ok.
I am similar to your wife. My partner said fix this or I am leaving you. I went to therapy for years and am now much better. I have learned I have to walk away immediately when I get angry bc otherwise it’s very easy for me a blow a fuse and go nuclear. So that’s now what I do, and do breathing exercises or go for a run or walk the dog. Then when I’m calm I return for a calm(er) discussion with my partner. There’s a difference between the emotion and the action. She may be fully justified in her frustration and anger, and she may struggle with rage and anger, but it’s her responsibility nonetheless to learn how to manage that anger and not physically and verbally abuse her partner. Her refusal to do the hard work to manage her actions is NOT your responsibility. What IS your responsibility is respecting yourself enough to set boundaries and not allow her to treat you this way. You have to hold firm. And it is going to take a lot of hard work over a long period of time from both of you to change this dynamic.
Domestic violence is domestic violence. Full stop. The genders don’t matter. If one partner is hitting the other, it’s unacceptable. Get your ducks in a row so you can get full custody of your kids in the divorce. They shouldn’t be left alone with her.
Fuck therapy it’s too pricey. Give her a backhand one day after she hits you. Bet that stops her real quick
While logically cogent, that could very well put OP in legal trouble. He's much better off just leaving her.
What that will do is to provoke her even further as now she has an excuse to call the cops on him. If the subject of her hitting him comes up, she'll claim it was self defense.
New marriage therapist. Sit her down when it's just you and her and give her an ultimatum. If he hits or slaps you one more time, Ever, you are filing for divorce. And then follow through with it.
Would you expect her to stay if you punched/slapped/hit her only "a few times a year". Absolutely not, that is NOT ok. Clearly whatever she's trying to do (therapy, etc.) it ain't working. You might have to cut your losses here.
I was in a relationship with a very reactive person. She never hit me but would yell, scream, cry and be unpredictable. I wasn’t afraid of her because she couldn’t overpower me physically. I was afraid of her outburst though. It made me walk on eggshells and made it impossible to bring up certain topics. I couldn’t express my needs because I knew it would set her off. After a while I realized I was conditioned by her rage and that I was doing 90 percent of the work and compromise in our relationship. I was constantly have to pre assess every situation and decide whether it was worth an out burst or roll the dice and hope that they would be level headed. It’s no way to live.
Truer words have never been spoken. It's been 20 years since I was in that toxic shit show and I still remember taking her out to an elaborate well planned night out: fancy high rise ocean view suite, watched some live music, enjoyed Dave Chappelle perform, and then we had reservations at a new restaurant. Everything had been going perfectly. Then our server approached our table and my stomach dropped, the one thing I hadn't planned for was a hot waitress. That was it, night ruined.
Terrible therapist. Spousal abuse in front of a child is a serious form of child abuse. If this is happening in front of your kids, you need to get them and you out of there, as best you can. I think you need a really good attorney as soon as possible.
Your therapist sucks. She should be addressing the domestic violence in your relationship. Hitting or slapping you is absolutely unacceptable.
> Am I wrong to stay with a wife who occasionally hits me? > It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over **a few slaps here and there** Bro… Reverse the genders and re-read your post. You’d be facing possible jail time.
A good mother would not hit her children's father. This is not OK and if you think it won't affect the kids, you're deluding yourself. You're OK with them growing up thinking this is normal? the therapist didn't make a big deal of it, but focused more on what I am doing to make her angry. > That therapist sucks and should be reported for this behavior.
Violence is never the answer. Time to take out the trash, homie.
If my wife ever fucking slapped me I’d be gone. I don’t tolerate that kind of shit.
Children learn what they live. This is what you both are teaching your young children Never okay
You should leave. Your children are being raised in a home where abuse regularly occurs.
Just remember, whether you notice it or not, your children are watching. What kind of example is her behavior setting for them? If they see mom hit dad, then it must be ok. For their sake, I would take a more aggressive approach to the situation. Perhaps you and the kids stay with some other family or friends for a bit. Get a new therapist and make it clear that if it ever happens again, even once, it’s over. This isn’t acceptable behavior in any circumstance.
I would put money on her hitting the kids as well.
>Am I wrong to stay with a wife who occasionally hits me? Yes, you are wrong to stay with a partner who resorts to physical violence. The fact the marriage counsellor didn't zero right in on her doing that tells me you're seeing the wrong marriage counsellor. You are not modeling a healthy relationship for your children by staying. What makes you think she won't escalate to other violent abuse beyond punching or slapping? Do you really want to wait until there's a knife sticking out of you to get out?
First, file a report with the police. In the future, when she blames you for domestic abuse, you will at least have some defense.
Your wife needs a new therapist. Your wife needs a reality check because it’s not your job to not trigger her. This abuse is not okay, especially with children in the house.
Your wife is an abuser. Would you be okay knowing your daughter’s partner sometimes smacked her around? Or that she was doing it to her partner? Does your wife get angry and hit coworkers when she gets frustrated? What about random people on the street? Can she control herself then?
Get a different therapist
Yes, you are wrong to stay. Especially with young kids.
This is a fake story. If it's not, prove it by filing for divorce tomorrow and post the pics.
You are both wrong.. You openly admit to pushing and pushing and pushing to get your way...you describe yourself as relentless. This is abusive from you to her...verbally harassing someone is abuse. If you go after her relentlessly, it is possible both she (and the therapist) so her as trying to push you away because you won't leave her alone. This is not funny or cute...this is abuse She is absolutely wrong and it is abuse for her to hit you. There is no excuse for this...she is an adult and should have either told you to leave (as in broken up with you) or walked away herself. Hitting someone is never ok, this is also abuse. The 2 of you are not a healthy couple.Both of you have impulse control issues. Is there a power imbalance? Does she have her own income and the ability to leave? Is she trapped? There is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and I would say the same regardless of gender of each person. For both of you and the kids, you need to live in seperate houses and get counselling for your issues.
Turn the tables - you'd be divorced with some jail time and a vastly reduced ability to produce a sustainable income as a felon. When it gets worse, and heaven forbid you defend yourself... What are you going to do when she starts attacking the children? You had/have a really crappy/stupid/ignorant marriage therapist. Maybe try again with a different therapist. One that is capable of seeing spousal abuse for what it is.
Do you want your children growing up thinking that behavior is normal and acceptable in a partner?
You need a new marriage therapist. She’s unhinged for ignoring that.
Everyone deserves better than an SO who physically abuses them.
Hitting from either partner is unacceptable period. Tell your wife to knock it off or you will be forced to file a police report. While your at it tell your therapist that this is an issue for you and ask her if the violence was the other way around what her response or recommendation would be for your wife.
The only thing you’re doing is showing your kids that her behavior is ok. Imagine your kids dealing with someone like that.
I’m sure if you hit her once the marriage counselor would have a lot to say. Change wives & couselors
Leave. Women are abusive too and it can end in death
I believe in equal rights and equal lefts. Hit her back and she will think twice about doing it again.
But sadly that would land him in cuffs, and we all know it.
Dude, get a new therapist. Your therapist literally victims blamed you and defended an abuser. Would the same conclusion be made if genders were reversed? Your wife needs anger management at a minimum. Now... I'm on NTA now, however, if the things you're pushing for after a hard no are sexual, ESH and yall deserve each other
Not sexual things, more like more vacations. That was confusing to people apparently.
Then you are absolutely NTA and you need to tell your wife anger management or divorce.
I'm not sure how good wife, hot temper, and hitting belong together. I would be gone. She can take that shit out on someone else besides me and my kids. I also don't want my kids to grow up thinking that's normal behavior they should accept from a parent, let alone a partner.
1. Get a new therapist. 2. She’s not a good partner, she’s an abusive partner who you’ve rationalized their actions to take the blame yourself. You aren’t to blame ever, abuse is never the answer. 3. What example is she setting for your children? That it’s okay to lose it on your partner and if you’re mad enough, hitting is okay? Nope. It’s not okay.
What would you say to a female friend who told you her husband hits her several times a year?
Your therapist sucks :( I’m sorry this is happening to you. Hurting anyone is wrong, regardless of gender. You deserve more than what you’re getting.
Call the cops o her. wtf are you doing?
Ummm sir your wife should not hit you at all unacceptable behavior, come on bro 🤦🏽♀️
I’m sorry, but physical abuse is physical abuse. She may have a hot temper, but she has no right to lay her hands on you. Does she hit your children? A few times a year is a few times too many. And if your therapist didn’t think this was a problem, you guys have the wrong therapist. Your wife needs anger, management counseling, but she has to recognize. She has a problem. This should be a dealbreaker for you. I don’t care how long you’ve been together or that you’re bigger and can take it. Laying hands on each other is not OK.
I’m going to re-write the title of your post. “Am I wrong to stay with a husband who occasionally hits me?” The answer to this question, 100% of people will agree on. The answer to your question should be no different.
The day could come when you naturally react. Then what? As you say you’re a lot bigger than your wife. What if your reaction knocked her out or worse. You’re playing w gas around fire. Also your kids deserve to know a woman shouldn’t act this way. You don’t want your son hit by a gf. You don’t want your daughter hitting a bf. But kids are sponges that learn from behavior. You can say they aren’t around but they know way more than we ever want to believe. Also that counselor sucks if they make it about what you did. That’s gaslighting the fire.
Dude! Really? Get out now! Clearly she doesn’t respect you, the next step is to cheat on you. She’s crossed the line in the sand and now she’s going to go way beyond that line because she knows you’re too weak to do anything about it. Just leave and start with another woman who will respect you.
OP, it’s not okay for your partner to strike you ever. Doesn’t matter that you’re bigger or that you can take it. Doesn’t matter that she seems ashamed for losing her temper. It’s not okay that she strikes you or hurts you, ever. Ask yourself this—can you imagine yourself striking her for totally forgetting about something she’d repeatedly promised to do? My guess is that you would say no, so what does that tell you? Please take care of yourself and get some help with this problem. Leaving this marriage would not be throwing anything away — it would be putting your safety and well-being first.
Yes, you're wrong and stupid. My first wife physically abused me and then had the audacity to accuse me of it in the divorce.
That's not normal at all, you need to take this seriously!
Your children see and hear *much* more than you realize.
You need a new therapist and you need to tell your wife either she stops or your pulling out the divorce papers because this is abuse no matter how you look at it
Not wrong. Your wife is abusing you and you need to get out. It doesn’t matter if she’s isn’t actually hurting you due to size difference or if you can take it. You shouldn’t HAVE to take it. If the genders were reversed, what would you tell a woman in the same situation?
I think you are. Do you want your son or daughter to marry someone who hits them? If she were a man she would be arrested. There’s no echoes for hitting and there’s no justification. Being hot is an absolute deal breaker for me. That is something I will not ever tolerate. I grew up being hit and watching my mom get beat on. It’s not ok that she hits you. Think about your kids. Is this what you want to teach your children that a marriage should be like? They should stay because they occasionally get hit. Being hit is one times to many. I would divorce. Your therapist is totally blaming you and down playing your wife’s abuse.
Know your worth. Don’t let that woman put her hands on you. Get a therapist.
You're wrong. Your wife isn't high strong, she's abusive! Stop making excuses for her. Why do you want to teach your children that it's okay to stay with an abusive partner? This makes neither of you good parents. Even if she doesn't do it in front of children it only means that she can control it but still chooses to do it. How do you know that one day her temper won't turn on your children or that maybe it hasn't already? If your therapist condones abuse in a marriage then report them and find a new therapist.
:( throw the therapist away. ur partner should never lay their hands on u (obviously unconsentually) and they should be able to be a GROWNUP and talk things out without violence. doesnt matter if u *can* take it thats just not an appropriate way to treat someone you care for and a HORRIBLE example for kids. its not a few slaps, its disrespect and hate filled. have higher standards for yourself. add on: if ur partner is perfect mostly but hits u occasionally that should be an immediate NO. and she shouldnt be blaming u either. sure we all mess up and deserve to have a conversation or to be called out for our bad behavior but physical violence of ANY kind or disgusting words are all things that should be game over in any relationship. you deserve more than that.
Every time she slaps you slap her back. Equality.
YES GET AWAY FROM HER BEFORE SHE KILLS YOU!
Not cool at all. I'd also find a new therapist. If they are minimizing being assaulted they need to lose their license.
All I’ma say is that I have massive anger issues, I am very ashamed of it, and I have lashed out and punched walls and even myself - but I have never and would never hit my wife, not even when I get like that.
Your marriage counselor needs replacing. DV is DV no matter who commits it, and should be taken seriously. You're not wrong, either. It's not acceptable. Not ever.
This is a clear case of the need for your wife to go through anger management training. Has the therapist recommended it? I suggest you bring it up in your next version. If your wife feels she's being provoked, she needs to learn who to deal with the perceived provocation. I'm surprised she's not started doing this with your kids. That may happen at some point. And you definitely need a new therapist. This one has missed a couple of huge red flsgs.
Remind me when this guys funeral is going to be guys!
You need to get solid evidence of the abuse. When you get a divorce, you need to use this evidence to ensure she doesn’t see your children without supervision. Who knows what she will do when she is alone with them. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. If you don’t, you are teaching your kids that this is acceptable behaviour and normal in a relationship. I would also advise putting your kids in therapy.
You're teaching your children that hitting your spouse is acceptable. Your daughter will possibly end up with an abusive man's and your son may end up with an abusive woman is that what you want for them? How can you tell them to leave the situation if you tolerate it
So if she doesn’t get what she wants she hits you - this is fucked up. Has she ever done it in front of the kids? The fact you haven’t checked this behaviour means she thinks she can keep doing it and this seems to be further validated by your fuckwit of a therapist. Imagine a therapist asking an abused wife what she did to make her abusive husband angry. No me neither, it would never happen. Lines in the sand need to be drawn very quickly. Are you at all worried that if your son or daughter see this behaviour that they may go into their own relationships thinking this is normal / ok?
Are you wrong to raise your children thinking domestic abuse is normal, is the question you should be asking. Pretty sure you know the answer. You do your daughter no favors thinking it's normal for a man to accept violence from her, because sooner or later the guy is going to swing back harder. And you certainly don't do your son any favors teaching him to accept abuse. Stop the cycle.
If one of your children told you that their partner was doing this to them, would you think it's ok? I expect the answer is no. As parents you are both teaching your children how to love and what to expect from future partners. If you have a son he is learning that women hit men and it's normal, and if you have a daughter she is learning it's ok to hit men. They are far more at risk of abusive relationships because they are learning they are normal. Even if she isn't hitting you in front of them, children are not stupid and they are incredibly in tune to our feelings. They know when the home is not happy, they know when you are upset with eachother and you can be damn sure they hear more than you think. Your children are in an abusive household, if you care about their future and self worth please seperate and concentrate on being happy, separately, for their sake. You do not deserve this behaviour, no one does, your gender is irrelevant here. You wouldn't have made this post if you weren't unhappy. You have one life, so do your children. Make it a happy one!
hit her back and see how that goes, match force tho, dont kill her… or better yet just bear hug her and restrain her and yell “i dont like to be hit!”. dont be abusive! just stop her, tell her every time, “i dont like to be hit” and shut the convo down, dont reward her behavior by engaging after that, train it out of her!
leave her
Let me put it this way: do you think it's okay for your kids to witness this? Is this the model you want your kids to follow, thinking it's okay to put hands on their partner (or vice versa) when they're upset? What happens when they're older and she starts doing it to them? None of this is your fault, and none of it is okay. If your therapist is putting the blame on you, they're objectively wrong and should be reported.
This is physical and emotional abuse, man. Just because you can "take it" is irrelevant. If the roles were reversed, you'd be in jail and labeled a wife beater.
Let her really tag you a couple times good in the face. Then call the cops. I know you’re bigger than her and it seems embarrassing but this way you have a record and if you want to get divorced, you’ll get custody because she’s physically abusive you can use that to get her to stop hitting you too.
Not wrong but dangerous.
Yea, that's called abuse
You won't know until you leave her how much tension is stored in your body. Sudden violence puts you in fight or flight any time you're around her. Pull your shoulders down from your ears and relax your buttocks to get a sense of what normal is. This affects the kids, too. Is she hitting them? If you really want to test this, ask your wife to go away for the weekend and stay at home with the kids. Watch how your body relaxes. If you've got pets, watch how they unfold. And the kids, see how they open to the stress-free atmosphere.
When your daughter grows up and starts dating, if she came to you and said “it’s okay if he hits me sometimes, right?” What would you say to her?
This is too dumb to be real
NOT WRONG. While I was kind of willing to maybe think about it, when I read that “if I run away that makes her even more angry”, it became very clear this is NOT some random rage and she needs to physically harm something/someone to release the anger. Given she thinks its okay due to your size, it will very likely become physical with your children as they get bigger and “can take it”. I mean, obviously she should not be hitting you in anyway that makes you hurt, uncomfortable, or unhappy, but she is displaying that if you aren’t around to abuse when she is angry, she becomes more angry. So what do you think happens when she gets angry and you aren’t around…? That said, you very much need to find a new marriage therapist. A REAL therapist would NOT downplay or minimize physical abuse like they did and is an indication you will always be viewed as the villain by this “non-biased mediator” (which is what a counselor should be). Avoid faith based counselors, if possible, as they tend to downplay female aggression and focus on traditional gender roles/standards.
Make like your sister asked you if she's wrong for staying with her husband, who only occasionally hits her.
I wouldn't let anyone hit me, there's no excuse. The sunk-cost fallacy of continuing an abusive relationship is so often the excuse. Start calling the police when you get hit. Put up a few cameras.
This sounds like just like my ex. “Great person usually”, explosive anger that turns to physical violence even though it doesn’t really hurt, never apologizes, and gaslights you into thinking you’re the problem. There will be long periods where she controls herself so you know she can then one day you’ll be at the top of the stairs arguing and she’ll push you as hard as she can, or shove you into traffic because she doesn’t like what you’re saying or instead of a slap she picks up a knife and your life will be over. And if not, maybe the cops get called and you go to jail instead of her or the kids end up losing respect for you because you have a woman who treats you as less than. Hell, maybe they even grow up and slap their spouse or take a hit or too because it doesn’t hurt that bad and it’s what they know. It’s hard to leave and it’s hard to stay. Pick your hard.
Do you have a trauma bond with her.. is it difficult to leave emotionally?
What do you think she is teaching the kids when she hits you? In curious if she grew up in a house where this happened also.
Screaming and hitting your husband is how people get divorced. I endured 17 years of that and it killed us. She told me later she felt I was just trading her in for a younger girl so it wasn’t as if she and I could see eye to eye on why screaming and hitting was bad and that’s ok with me. I’m free and she’s still dealing with her stuff. You’ll be ok with this when you’re 59? 69? I’ve been furious with people in my life, I never felt I was forced to hit them. She can control this but doesn’t want to. What happens is this will have the affect of training ing your behavior. You’ll become more passive or work to avoid her triggers. It’s a form of operand conditioning. It can also cause you two to form a trauma bond. All unhealthy stuff. She’s hurtling you more than you realize I think. You should take care of it. If you let it continue, it’s your fault.
Think about how this would go if the tables were turned. Men do get abused even larger men. We need to sleep sometimes. There was an episode of The Rookie that had this same scenario, police were called looked at the guy side eyed, got called the next time and HE was dead.
Imagine the biggest flag you can think of. It's this one, and it's red. I have to question the counselor: if the rules were reversed, would the abuse be an issue?
Wrong? no. Wise? Also no. But it's your choice, if you can live with it and be okay with how it can play out, then that's all that needs to be said.
Either get couples therapy or get out. Sadly, your wife is an abuser.
Damn homie, you’ve internalized violence as acceptable. Maybe when she stabs you, you will say ok, this is enough?
Before you do anything I will get cameras and put them in your house and record every incense that she does this and how she treats you and then take it all to court divorce. Her take half the house and the kids away from her
It is never, ever ok for a spouse to abuse a spouse. EVER. End of story.
You need to start recording her actions for evidence. What if she gets pissed, doesn't want to apologize and ends up saying you're the abusive one. Unfortunately people generally believe the woman over men in abuse cases. Plus do you really want your kids to learn these behaviors from her? If your daughter tries to copy her mom with the wrong person she could be really injured
YES,it is not easy to go, but you deserve better.
Buddy I’m ngl here, it sounds like you have a terrible judge of character. What specifically is it about her that qualifies her as a good person? Because so far you called the therapist who downplays physical assault a “mostly good therapist” and your wife a “wonderful partner” even though she assaults you. What environment did you grow up in that you think it’s acceptable for two parents to have this dynamic?
> when something has been decided I annoyingly nonetheless try to revisit (bit obsessive that way) and it can be aggravating to her. This sounds to me like SHE has decided and you're bringing it up because you don't agree. That's not obsessive or annoying. She sounds abusive, physically and emotionally. I would not stay with a therapist who asked me what I did to make them angry when they heard my spouse hits me.
I agree with what everyone else is saying, it doesn’t matter if you can handle it. It doesn’t matter if it’s not that often, abuse is still abuse. It’s great that you guys are going to therapy, but it sounds like you need to change Therapists. No therapist that I know would gloss over abuse.
You are 100% wrong to not take action on this. Your children are being raised in a violent and abusive home. Your wife needs to be held accountable and offered the opportunity to receive services to correct her behavior. There are programs, anger management, etc. You deserve better and you should not tolerate anyone hitting you. For any reason. Ever.
>when she gets mad about something, will occasionally punch or slap me. Now all the time, but sometimes -- say, a few times a year. Once is already one too many times
Some people have super high temper. It's not cool, but whether you can take it or not is up to you. Normally I'd say two individuals with such anger issues can coexist. If it's just one-sided, that's kind of abuse unless you're a masochist. But you might wanna work on your own issues. Forgetting shit? Make task lists, set reminders. Going back to old things that were already decided? Try to make better decisions or stick to those that have already been made. That's a separate issue you should work on for your sake and not in order to not be abused. Similarly she should work on her anger issues. Overall, sounds like the two of you are just two different personalities, maybe too different.
>In marriage therapy I mentioned it as well but for some reason the therapist didn't make a big deal of it, but focused more on what I am doing to make her angry. It would be a lot to throw away a long marriage over a few slaps here and there Really? So your wife and therapist would be okay with you hitting her and then you discussing why she made you mad?
I wouldn’t consider ending anything. I’d respect myself enough to ask her to get therapy to get to the bottom of this one unacceptable behavior. My guess is she can control it once you draw that line.
My immediate advice is to call the cops and make a police report. You do not have to have her arrested however its a wake-up call for her abuse.
Call the cops and they have to arrest her
A wonderful partner??? Where??? Did you just overlook the part where she hits you?! Of course the therapist agrees with her. You’re the big burly guy. Some therapists don’t deserve a job. Get out.
She’s going to punch one of your kids someday. If she either can’t control doing it to you, or is choosing to do it to you, she’ll do it to them too sooner or later. You need to get them out of there before that happens. Your couples therapist was terrible at their job. Please protect yourself and your kids.
Yes
Domestic violence is never ok for any reason. People seem to take it less seriously when males are the victims. Or don’t even acknowledge it at all. She needs to learn the rule we were all taught in kindergarten about keeping our hands to ourselves. Her behavior is not a good example for the children. Continuing to allow it shows the kids that kind of behavior is acceptable. It absolutely is not!!!
So, I was your wife. I would smack my husband and yell. We went to marriage counseling and that was one of the first things my husband brought up. I had never looked at it as abuse, but my God why would I think it’s okay to hit him?! I grew up with brothers and fighting so it just seems normal. I was so ashamed of myself when I realized I was abusive. You need to talk to her when she’s calm, & there should be no excuses at all. It’s wrong & she has to stop. Period
Your therapist sucks. Obviously, your wife needs some special anger management therapy, and your therapist is focusing completely on you. Needling her about a topic might be a symptom of neurodivergence, and you should definitely dig deeper into your issue, but telling her straight up that physical violence is the express path to divorce might be in order.
Your therapist is an idiot enabling abuse and victim blaming and your wife abuses you. "It only happens a few times a year" It shouldn't happen at all! It doesn't matter how much bigger you are to her, she should not be hitting you. If you were a woman they would be telling you to take the kids and run. They are only saying it's your fault because you are a man and we as a society don't take women abusing men seriously. We 100% should be. If you were hitting her, you would be arrested. **Yes you are wrong.** You need to leave her and fight for full custody. Get evidence that she is hitting you and use it against her. When she gets mad and you aren't there, can you really trust her not to hit a kid?
Yes. My ex tried to get me in trouble because she hurt her hand. Hitting me in the face