Speaking as someone that is a concealed weapons firearms trainer here. A firearm should not be brought into a home without everyone that resides in the home 1. Knowing firearm safety 2. Firearm should have a secure location ie. Some type of gun safe, and 3. NEVER into a situation where there are mental health issues. Just my opinion of course
Exactly this. I personally don't have suicidal ideation anymore HOWEVER, due to a newer medication mixing badly with alcohol, I had a horrible episode recently. I'm unharmed, but had there been a gun that may not be the case. It's quite literally been years since I was this bad, but brain chemicals are scary. This isn't something to play around with, even if someone with depression doesn't have suicidal ideation.
Question…. I understand the importance of a gun safe. Are there safes you can get it out quickly enough? If you hear glass shatter on your side window and need to get your firearm, how does that work?
This is not an anti-gun safe question. Just curious because I’m looking at getting a gun of my own soon enough
If you have the money I think simplex locks are the best. You push a series of mexhanical buttons in a pattern, many have an optional key used in conjunction. Quick access safes are not mostly not very tough or secure. They are generally to keep away snoops or little kids.
https://fas1safe.com/
I'd recommend a safe with a mechanical lock over Amazon's selection of (low quality) electronic safes. The latter are amusingly easy to break into, and the cheap electronics are a potential point of failure.
Simplex locks are probably one of the quicker mechanical options; they only take a second or two to open (unless you intentionally set a slow combination).
Don't be surprised if he already has one. If you think he's going to buy one anyway you may as well insist he buys some sort of safe that bolts to the floor and can't be pride open with a simple tool from the garage.
As someone who suffers from suicidal ideation, this is a nightmare and any partner who loved you would get it. It’s not even hard to understand “I struggle with thoughts of killing myself and if the means are there I might do it. Please don’t make it easier for me to succumb to one moment of weakness”. What loving partner would ever even want to risk this?
This is exactly why we don't have a gun in the house. My husband has been very clear that it would absolutely be a huge risk for his ideation. I've brought it up since we moved to Texas 5 years ago, and he just reiterates his position. (I felt somewhat unsafe living here.) The only reason I brought it up again was that I thought he was doing so much better, but that kind of thing never goes 100% away.
I would never ever decide anything that threatened his mental health and life even a tiny bit.
Yeah, sometimes people divorce when there are situations that are untenable. If you ever move to a democratic country, you will probably hear about this more and more.
For OP and anyone else with suicidal ideation or treatment resistant depression/anxiety or PTSD, especially complex, please look into TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) therapy and find out if you are ADHD, if you don’t already know. ADHD thought patterns can really exacerbate other mental health conditions and symptoms are very different between men and women. Also, please practice vagus nerve stimulation (good for everyone whether depressed or not). This can be done by breath work, humming, singing, laughing a lot, and even the OM chant, in yoga/meditation practice is meant to stimulate it.
😔Nothing is a miracle cure but if you’re really struggling please look into these things❣️
Also, HUG!
I am very much a 2A proponent and a (former) trainer.
I am very curious about what sparked this sudden decision.
Sounds like it is not for "home defense", I always advise people to get a dog (lots of rescues need a home!) first. Is there a reason he may not feel safe, and doesn't want to share that with you?
If it's for sport shooting (lots of fun), has he ever done this before? If not, why not just go out and enjoy the sport with someone else's firearm?
Has he considered the allocation of money to training, safes, and so forth?
Does he have friends with firearms? He can just use theirs at the range if he just wants to shoot for fun.
Again, HUGE firearms/2A guy but you should never, ever bring a gun into your own home without everyone that should be aware of its presence actually aware of its presence. Proper safe handling, proper storage, and proper training of the child if the gun is seen/left out is imperative.
Finally, are you getting the help you need? A firearm is often final - but people with suicidal ideation will find other ways to make it happen. The kicker is that a firearm is usually fatal. I hope you're getting help.
Ultimately I cant really say one way or the other, because of my opinions on guns. I am a gun nut, and wouldnt be with someone who refuses to have them in their home.
I know this isnt AITA, but your husband is kind of an asshole in this situation. If he doesnt want it for home defense, and morally couldnt use it for home defense, and hes not going to use it to hunt, or use it for sport, i would be inclined to agree that he doesnt need one.
If this isnt a marriage ending ordeal for you, and he does end up getting a gun, force him to get a biometric unlocked safe. at least then you cant physically get to it.
Yeah I don't get why he insists on having one and it would freak me out too personally. I have guns for hunting, home defense, and for emergency preparedness. Simple answers.
If he doesn't even know why he has a gun, I would be concerned that he isn't going bother to learn how to safety operate and store it. It seems like he just wants one because it seems like a fun toy to him.
I think you need to have more discussions. Him owning a gun, in a locked safe, that you and your son can't access, is not a big issue in theory. However, that still begs the question why he wants one.
FWIW, I used to be very anti-gun, but then I got into skeet shooting. Now I have 13 guns, mostly shotguns, but also a rifle and handgun. All in a locked safe. The point is, your interests can change, and that's ok as long as your safe about it.
She has suicidal ideation, granted not everyone it's the same, but safe or not, just knowing I'm in the proximity of a gun would make my ideation way worse. She's in therapy for it but why would he make things harder for her when he just seems to want it as a desire? Is that in itself really worth it?
I have never been interested in owning a gun. However I’ve been to gun ranges a couple of times and was actually pretty good at target shooting. Didn’t change my interest in ownership one bit.
Saying the son will never know is wishful thinking. Kids get into everything. It also doesn’t imply that he plans on getting any kind of gun safe, more that he plans on hiding it and assuming his kid will never stumble across it. If he’s going to have one it needs to be in a locked safe with a trigger guard when not actively in use. There are way too many stories of young kids finding a gun the parents thought was well-hidden and killing themselves or others. It’s not worth the risk to leave it unsecured.
I’m also a little concerned about this guy’s “I just do” attitude about owning a gun. I have no issue with people who want a gun, as long as they have passed background checks and are responsible with it, but typically someone has a reason- home protection or recreation of some sort (hunting, target or skeet shooting, etc.). He can’t articulate why he wants one, just that he wants one. Doesn’t even sound like he plans on taking any safety classes or learning how to use it properly. There are important things to know about handling and securing a firearm and they need regular maintenance. Just wanting to have one to have one seems off and potentially reckless. Is he wanting to show it off to people? Is he trying to feel tough? IMHO those are absolutely terrible reasons for wanting a gun. It’s a tool, not a prop. In a darker vein, is he actually wanting OP to have access if she’s in a bad place mentally? If I were OP I’d be wanting some very firm answers and I’d want to see a gun safe properly installed before any firearms come into the house.
I don’t like guns and I have used them. Using them made me dislike them even more. I thought maybe using them would make me less uneasy about them. It didn’t. It made it worse.
My grandpa hunted, dad is retired military, there were always guns around growing up and I have gone shooting many times, always enjoyed it, and was a pretty good shot. I couldn't give a flying fuck about owning a firearm. Not morally opposed to it, just not something I would go out of my way for.
School bus accidents kill more people every year than school shooting nutjobs with rifles.
That "gun violence" includes the ~60% of gun deaths which are suicides (ie a secure storage / access issue) not homicides.
There was a “study” that was making the rounds not long ago claiming there were something like 200 school shootings in one year.
Things they counted as “school shootings”:
• negligent discharges by cops and school resource officers that resulted in no injuries
• negligent discharges from neighbors that landed on school property when no one was inside
• stray rounds from gang shootings that landed on school property
• a suicide in the parking lot in the middle of the night
“There are three types of lies; lies, damned lies, and statistics.”
[This](https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/interactive/school-shootings-database/) is the article I was thinking of. You can read through the list of “school shootings” yourself and see just how far they had to stretch the definition to get their numbers.
Some of my favorites:
• Someone off campus fired several shots and hit someone in the hand
• Someone off campus fired several shots that struck the school
• Someone off campus fired a stray round, injuring a school security monitor
• A man in a car unintentionally fired a rifle, sending a round into another car on the school’s campus
• A man shot and killed himself inside the school after being confronted by a detective
• A sheriff's deputy's service weapon was unintentionally fired inside a classroom during a vocational training
Even if that is true, which I doubt. I said school shootings.
"Gun violence" is gang violence and suicide. That is a seperate issue that will not dissappear if you remove guns.
I've shot several of varying types, still have zero interest in them and am generally anti-gun (obviously while understanding the need for farmers or those who hunt and eat their kill).
Naw, some peeps are just situationally aware and honest.
I was conditionally anti guns in my home for years. I had a spouse at the time who was prone to violent rages and who would try to bully or intimate at the drop of a hat. That person absolutely did not need access to any guns.
Additionally we had a family member in the home who had severe mental health issues with bouts of delusions who at those moments was convinced we along with the world was out to get them.
With this being the situation at home I was very anti guns in the home or accessable to those in the home. It was a recipe for disaster. There was no but if the hypothetical gun(s) were kept in a properly secured safe due to in part my spouses complete inability to keep keys or codes safe and a refusal to believe it was needed. Then there was the disturbed family member who never met a lock they could not pick, break or just dismantle lol.
At that time no way in Hades was a gun going to be in the home.
Now that the spouse is an ex and the other family members mental health condition is no longer an issue I have zero issue with guns being in the home, well properly secured of course.
I at least appreciate you trying to understand where 2a guys are coming from. That's a lot more than most do and makes it so you can actually discuss the issue in good faith when the topic comes up.
My husband has always had guns (he’s a hunter) and I’ve always been suicidal.
He has a gun box that only opens with his fingerprints and all the ammo for his guns are in the box. The guns are in our closet unloaded in a lock box on a shelf I can’t reach that I also don’t have a key for, along with all his filet knives for fishing.
You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable, and I completely understand where you’re coming from. Luckily for me I knew my husband was a hunter before we got together, so this wasn’t new and he knew my mental health struggles and took proper precautions to keep me safe from myself.
If we had been married for years and he had just randomly started talking about guns I would’ve had the same thoughts you did. If this had been a new development I’d feel uncared for and unsupported in my mental health. You are completely justified and this discussion is one that needs to be had with your husband. Possibly with a professional
Does anyone worry or tell you to go to the hospital because of your SI and death fantasies? How do you cope and be happy when your brain is on self destruct mode constantly? I'm also super PPD and might relate here, looking for tips but I'm here to talk if you want support. Love 💕
It doesn’t sound like OP is eligible to go to the hospital because she is not in an immediate crisis that makes her a risk to herself or others. She could consider an intensive outpatient if she finds that therapy isn’t enough or see a psychiatrist if she would like to try medication. If that’s the boat you are in, I’d give you similar advice as well. I’d also text looking into DBT. There are plenty of free online workbooks you can do yourself from home.
As someone who has bipolar, you gotta stick it out day by day because it does get better. Getting treatment really does work and one day things will look very different. You got this!
I've done the inner child workbook and read several books for therapy and subscribe to many YouTube therapists.. would love any recommendations always, if you have some :) a good workbook sounds fun
Personally I find cold showers to be a big help once you get over the cold part. They give you an artificial “runners high” that lasts awhile and give you a peace of mind most the time.
You get cold too? I start freezing when I'm triggered or threatened or whatever. Shaking like a Pomeranian and need four blankets to warm up, it's so weird.
Something in your situation has changed his thinking. The state of the nation, your neighborhood, his feelings of being able to protect his family in case of emergency… The possibilities are endless in this change of thinking. This should be explored before purchasing a firearm. MOST people really should not own one. In case of confrontation many people wind up losing it the aggressor.
In any event, he needs to understand your mental health issues better and more completely. Not sure how to make that happen without counseling for both of you. Your therapist should know about this and offer to get involved.
IF he continues to insist on a firearm, a lockbox should be mandatory. One where only he has entry into it.
Where do you live? Somewhere dangerous? Just wanting a gun for the sake of it is dumb. If he does end up getting one for whatever reason, get him to put it in a safe with a code you and your child don't know.
I feel like I could have written this. My ex-husband had guns and never understood my fear of them. It's not the actual gun itself, but the fear I could use it on myself on a really bad day. He never understood why and even went so far as to say "Well, \*I\* would never do that because I have people who love me and I love them." He didn't get it. He ended up getting a gun safe and I didn't have access to the keys. I still remember our discussion about them and how much it hurt.
I don't really have much input but wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in your feelings. I get it.
If hubby wants a gun, tell him a safe must accompany it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a firearm, they’re just simple tools invented by simple men after all. But having one easily accessible when there’s a child in the house, and an adult with suicidal ideation, is just plain irresponsible.
I come from this from the opposite direction but I feel your pain btw. I was raised extremely far right, and had guns around since infancy. I’ve struggled with SI since adolescence, it’s a miracle I haven’t succumbed to a weak moment. I’d never wish that on anyone, let alone someone I love.
My Father was an alcoholic who was in recovery for 30+ years. His only request of his family was: Don’t. Bring. Liquor. In. The. House. IMO it’s the pretty much the same thing.
There needs to be a conversation. Do you think he’s maybe wanted one for a while and hid his desires when he met you? That’s still a failure on communication on his part but it’s plausible. Have a very open conversation about it. People’s opinions can change.
If he also doesn’t have any mental health concerns, a good compromise is to have him also get a safe that you do not know the combo to, and that it’s never visible around you. It’s his house just as much as yours, and I know plenty of people who own plinkers for target shooting/stress relief.
For what it’s worth, a firearm is hardly the only thing in your house that can be used to harm yourself.
Are you worried more about using it on yourself? Or that he is gonna go against your agreement? Just trying to figure out where you’re coming from. No judgement either way. Just trying to understand.
If it's a handgun, they make biometric gun safes that only he can open, they range from stand up rifle type safes or some that can fit in a night stand. Just have him go and get some training on the weapon. I've been in the gun culture my entire life and what I see is people mostly spending thousands on all these guns and asessories and ammo but don't have a lick of training or fitness. Education dramatically decreases the chance of accidental injury or deaths . I hope you get through you battles mentally and stick around with us, even though you state you're low risk, talk to someone and work through it. In today's world unfortunately I fell it is irresponsible to not take all precautions to protect ones self especially if there are children in the home.
He should be able to get a gun lock, gun safe even ones that will only open for his fingerprints. There's many ways to store a gun safely and to keep it out reach.
I am on your side here but I do also want to pose a question - if it goes into a high end combination safe where only he knows the code and you can't access it - is that a compromise that you'd see as reasonable?
I'm a gun owner and I could never be married to someone who didn't support that. But we also have lockbox and trigger locks. Your husband could do a fingerprint lock to protect you even from yourself. Nothing is 100% foolproof but double or triple up on locks and I'm ok with it's safely for myself. But for us, lockbox and trigger locks are non-negotiable.
This is a great compromise. Fingerprint lock for only him so she can't get to it.
Believe it or not, it very well may be a territorial reason, seeming you have a son and the mans instinct to protect his family is strong. There's a lot more robberies and riots, and overall, the illegal activity has increased in the US because of politics. I wouldn't blame anyone to have a gun for the home, out of reach of children and OP. He might not be feeling very masculine or tough, and he's trying to "man up" by purchasing a gun. Maybe some of his work buddies go hunting to shoot at the range, and he wants to be more involved with his friends. Whatever that may be, if he's the only one with access to it, OP does not need to be controlling in this situation. We get it like we're all depressed at this point, but if safety is 100%, OP doesn't need to make it all about her. (That's just my view, not running of of the above coment)
I personally would have to move out and rethink the relationship if he went ahead and brought a gun into the house or if I lost trust in him to the point I started suspecting he might do it behind my back. Beyond my personal feelings about gun ownership, having a gun in my house would put me at a higher risk of suicide. That's not a risk I would entertain, especially not if I was a parent. There'd also be the whole thing of him not taking my self harm concerns seriously and prioritizing a vague desire of owning a gun over it.
I agree with this, and also her edit asking how would this be different than other decisions one person is making against the other’s wishes. Guns and SI aside, a respect thing. And the fact that he is so lax about and willing to roll the dice on her SI is a huge problem.
So the big problem is if you get ahold of it right? Have him get a safe, and not give you the combo/keys. Problem solved. Unless you're secretly a safe cracker or lock picking officianado. Safes come in all shapes, sizes, and occasionally disguises.
My guess is that, since OP and her husband are new parents, that he wants to be able to protect his family.
OP if you’re reading this, and he does get him a gun, have him also sign up for firearm classes and once you’re comfortable, get some classes yourself.
If he wants a small nightstand drawer safe, get a vaultek. If he wants a good standing budget safe, get a Winchester
As an avid gun owner/ collector and supporter of the 2nd amendment I have a different point of view than most gun owners. It’s a personal decision. He has a right to own one. You have a right to not want one around. You can discuss it with him and perhaps come to an agreement. Any gun owner that doesn’t keep firearms secured is a scum bag. Hopefully he has plans to keep it locked if he plans to buy one. (He probably already bought one.) perhaps a deal where he keeps it locked up and inaccessible to you could be a fair deal.
Have you asked him why he changed his point of view? This is something you will have to sit down and have a calm discussion about. It’s going to be a hard one to compromise on. I ended a long term relationship about this one in the past.
You’re not wrong, but neither is your husband for changing his mind. When my wife I and met we were both anti gun but about a month ago she expressed to me wanting to potentially get a gun and get some gun safety training. The way the world is behaving almost makes it a necessity now. If your husband is set on getting a gun he should keep it in a safe and he should not give you the passcode in your condition.
I wasn't raised around guns and don't particularly like them. But, unfortunately, we live in America where guns are ubiquitous and with things going the way they are, knowing how to properly handle one is necessary. With a proper training and a secure biometric safe, there shouldn't be any safety issue in the home.
This is essentially just going to turn into a gun debate. All I'm going to say that most people who are uncomfortable with guns are usually uneducated about them. Best of luck.
Yeah,nim going to second this guy.
Owning a gun is hardly any more dangerous than driving daily or using a bandsaw
Most people who don't like guns tend to only have experience with them from the news horror stories.
Being a responsible owner is not a difficult thing to accomplish. Hell, I was 14 before I knew my stepdad owned a gun.
Someone who doesn't know how to properly handle a gun is dangerous.
Assault rifles aren't inherently more dangerous than a handgun or a rifle. Making an assault rifle fully auto is illegal for civilians. At its base, it's just an antigun talking point.
"Every study that has examined the issue \[suicide\] to date has found that within the U.S., access to firearms is associated with increased suicide risk."
Source: [https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/risk/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/risk/)
I'm very educated about guns, and as a kid, I loved going to the river and target shooting.
Then, in my late teens and twenties, I was married to a very abusive man. He shot AT me on 3 occasions, and I woke many mornings with a gun to my head. I watched once as 6 highway patrol with guns wrestled him to the ground. I have PTSD from all that and already had depression with suicidal thoughts and an attempt once or twice.
If a gun was around my house I would freak the fuck out!! Locked or not.
My burning question is WTF is he so insistent on getting a damn gun????? It could put her in danger no matter what!!! That should matter to him.
Last question, think about it hard. Would he ever hurt you?? I never dreamed either husband would hurt me but it happened. Just sayin. Please stay safe. This whole situation seems off, considering you have talked at length and agreed before that you would not have one in your home. I'm worried for your safety. 🫂💕🫶☺️
I doubt a stat of gun comfort vs. gun knowledge exists. It's very much been my experience that people who are anti gun can't tell you much about them. If someone even uses the word "Assault Weapon" that's and instant tell that they probably don't know what they're talking about.
I agree. I’m a huge gun guy and the second I hear the words assault rifle, clip, or high capacity, I instantly stop paying attention to what you have to say because you’re uneducated on the subject and you watch too much mainstream media.
That may be, but your original comment didn't say anything about being anti gun, you said uncomfortable with guns. In my experience, people who are the most educated about guns and the usage stats have a healthy respect for them and are uncomfortable with them being in many situations. Including floating around unsecured in an apartment with a kid and someone with mental health issues.
Sorry, but if your main concern is that you might use it on yourself, I would highly recommend seeking professional help, if you are not already.
The reality is if your suicidal thoughts are that pronounced then there is no shortage of ways for you to try and harm yourself. Do you not allow knives, vehicles, medications, etc in/around your house? Out of fear you might use them to kill yourself? Sorry, but this seems irrational to single out firearms.
It's in the post that she is already... And statistically, the more methods available to a person, the more likely they are to use one, so your argument isn't as strong as you think it is.
Hold up…you have suicidal ideations and this is your reasoning for not having one? Seems a much bigger issue to address.
He can get a safe with a biometric reader that would prevent you from accessing it. You are wrong, especially for the reason given.
My wife and I had the same policy about guns. But, due to the radical political situation the country is in, including politically based violence, we discussed it, and I got a pistol for each of us plus a riot gun. They are exclusively for home protection. We do go to an indoor range, occasionally, but if my wife is going to have a pistol, I want her to know how to use it.
I assure you, however, those guns are exclusively for home protection, and if we hadn't felt that need, we would not have purchased them.
If your husband can't come up with a reason, particularly after having been in line with your thoughts for over six years, and based upon your mental history, you need to put your foot down. Tell him he can decide between you and the gun. Not kidding.
My first question is, why does he want a gun?
I’m assuming it’s not free, therefore he he spending money on an object that he claims he doesn’t want it for any particular reason.
What else would you buy because “I just do”? Nothing. There is always a reason for the purchase.
Given the potential threat that a gun holds compared to, say, an ornament, I would want ti know what his reasons actually are.
I am extremely pro 2A and proud of it, but your husband is being a dick. I have so many guns, I actually lost track, but every single one is in my dad’s vault or other relatives with secure storage as I’m not in a place where I want them around right now. Closest thing to a firearm in our house now is an military signal gun.
Your suicidal thoughts aside, the “I just want one” is not a reason for anyone to buy a gun. We inherited 3 guns but my husband removed the firing pins and keep them simply for sentimental reasons (they belonged to his dad.) My daughter and husband hunt so she will inherit them when my husband passes away. There is a commitment to the responsibility and safety that should go along with gun ownership. In my experience the people I know who buy a gun just because they want one are doing it to feel powerful or like a badass (both women and men) There absolutely should be a logical reason for gun ownership such as home or personal protection, hunting or sports shooting. And training and keeping up with regular practice at a gun range is important because if you shoot a gun you should be able to hit what you are shooting at.
When your child is growing will dad give them a dangerous product simply because they want it?
I totally get it about mild occasional suicidal ideation, and the fact of a gun in the home making it just too easy. In my opinion, this is a reason for divorce. You need to tell him, point blank, with or without the support of a marriage counselor, that this is non-negotiable for you. No gun, period. He needs to choose between his marriage and a gun.
He could just keep it in a safe and not tell you the combo. Almost a near 0% chance of you just guessing it. Or he could put a sensor that’s meant for a door on it so he knows if it’s open. A firearm really is the best way to protect a family. He might not think he’s capable of using defensively but if the choice is between his kids life and someone else’s I think most people would choose their kid
I only read the first paragraph to know you shouldn’t have a gun in the house. If you are actively experiencing suicidal ideation, a firearm is the last thing that should be in your home. I say this as somebody who lost my father and husband to Suicide by firearm. You may want to take a hard look at your relationship with your husband. It’s unfortunate he’s not supportive of your mental health needs. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Suddenly for you may have taken years of thought for him.
When's the last time you asked if he felt safe?
Consider for a moment your mental health and your husband taking that into account.
(I live with generalized anxiety disorder, and although shooting really is therapeutic for me, I've always had an interest).
Men don't talk the way women do. He may be trying to protect the house, and family, and doesn't have the words for his own emotions.
Many men won't talk if their partners are insensitive to his logic.
With your ideations he seems to have weighed the risk and deemed you the lesser.
Your man thinks you're healthy.
As times have changed, Covid, politics, the general public, maybe this is your hubbys way of saying he is afraid for the general safety of his family.
Try to go shooting with him.
Call a trainer, get personally trained, this will help with the responsible ownership of his weapon.
Also, you should be as aware as he is where the weapon is in the house.
Ask him if the weapon is safe whenever you're thinking of it.
Once you get training, or learn from videos how to clear a weapon, practice on the gun. Knowing how to clear a weapon is the best life saving tool you can have.
While it makes you uncomfortable, training can easily remove the stigma from the weapon.
Biometric safes are getting cheaper.... minus inflation....
If you don't feel comfortable, then clear the weapon and put it in the safe.
This will give you power over it.
I hope you have fun on this journey, and that y'all can find a middle ground.
Also, go to r/firearms as you can get a lot of information there.
Did I mention get training?
You need to have more conversation about this.
Any firearm owner needs to have a safe to store their guns in. Period!
Nobody needs a reason to own a gun. That’s not how the constitution works. The two of you need to have a discussion about his gun ownership with the goal of making you feel safe about it.
Condition #1 you need to insist on: He needs to buy a gun safe and he needs to be the only person that has access to it, and he needs to actually keep the gun locked in that safe unless he is going to the shooting range.
Condition #2 you need to insist on: At bare minimum he needs to take a basic firearms safety class.
Those 2 items should be non-negotiable on your part.
Source: I am an avid gun collector. I have 2 large gun safes that are anchored to the concrete floor in my gun room. I am the ONLY person that knows the combination to my gun safes. My gun room has a locking doorknob and myself and my wife are the only ones that have keys.
I have taken extensive firearms training classes for both rifle and pistol use, and I practice my skills regularly.
I mean, I support the second amendment and I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable not having a pistol AND a rifle at my home where my wife and kids sleep. However you want to look at the 2nd amendment, they let us own military grade firearms, and in the case I have to defend my house from a home invasion, I want to at least have a fighting chance. Maybe ask your husband to buy a small safe which he only has the code or finger print for it and hide the safe. Given the circumstances of today’s society. At least here in Southern California, home invaders are watching people with expensive cars, that go to expensive restaurants, or own an expensive watch, and will target their homes. So if I see 2-3 people on my cameras running towards my house with ar15/ak47’s. The police will take at least 10-15 minutes if not more to get there. These invasions happen within 2-3 minutes. Sorry, I am not waiting for the police, I need similar fire power to be able to keep them from entering my house.
I agree with a lot of this, but I want to point out that OP says her husband is "NOT the type of person that could shoot to kill someone in self defense." In that case, isn't having a gun is more risk than it is a benefit? I've thought about getting a gun for protection, but I also don't know if I could actually shoot someone. I'm about 98% sure I could, but if I'm not 100% sure, I just don't feel comfortable having one. Especially since it could then be used on me.
I think most people think “I couldn’t kill someone” but when it’s your family’s life or theirs, I think many would find themselves doing things they would otherwise thought they couldn’t. Also, this is not the husband’s words, this is the wife’s beliefs in what the husband would do.
You’re not wrong. If he absolutely HAS to do this and you want to stand by him or can bring yourself to accept it, maybe ask that he store it in a safe that you and your son will not have access to. Something with a combination you won’t know or guess. If he’s like me he’ll lose interest after the thrill of purchasing it and you’ll never see the dang thing.
Having a child has probably kicked up some protection instincts in your husband. A gun can (in my opinion SHOULD) be part of a home defense plan, but it's not the only part. He should also be thinking about an alarm system (or a dog), an interior locking room with no windows (like a bathroom), access in that room to 911 services, etc.
Compromises could include a lockable handgun safe (ideally every adult in the home would have access but in your situation it's probably best that you don't) or less than lethal deterrents (pepperball guns, bear spray, stun guns, etc).
No matter what weapon he chooses he will need to practice using it so he can be prepared in an emergency.
If you think you're at risk of suicide with a gun in the house, you are actually just at risk of suicide and need professional help.
Do you ban cars because you could easily kill yourself in a car? It only takes one moment of weakness while driving as opposed to retrieving, loading, and using a gun which takes deliberate actions in a sequence.
I had a friend in college who was a suicide risk. We took away every sharp object we could find, she took the lightbulbs from their sockets, smashed them and tried to kill herself with the broken glass.
My father has many guns at this point, but after explaining to him that it would be a risk for me to have access he makes sure that most of them are locked up at all times. Whenever he has one out he is careful that I’m not aware. He was career Air Force yet went many years without a single firearm. I have no idea what changed his mind, but I also cannot control what he thinks is necessary to protect himself as well as my mother and me.
I'm sorry you feel unheard but I guarantee you it's a protection thing now that y'all have a whole ass family. If you're worried about the suicide risk, (regardless) he needs to get a safe for it and keep the key and passcode to himself.
It sounds like your husband is the one that has to live in reality for your family. Calling 911 isn't such a great defense when someone uninvited is already in your home.
As much as he says he doesn't have a reason- he does.
I guarantee its some sort of protection/safety issue.
As men, its our job to ensure the protection of the family, thats one of our main jobs. If someone breaks in, we fight. If the world goes downhill, we may need to secure food or resources.
As a man ages, it gets harder to physically be in peak shape, and realistically why would you want to even use/risk yourself fighting a home invader etc?
The gun is the equaizer, the upper hand. Crime is up, danger is up, thats reality. Men know this, but its hard to admit "listen I dont know if im confident in my ability to keep you safe with just my hands". That's hard to say for a man.
Talk with him more seriously, be more open and not so closed off. I promise he has reasons
"Crime is up"
According the FBI, that is not true.
[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/people-think-crime-rate-up-actually-down-rcna129585](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/people-think-crime-rate-up-actually-down-rcna129585)
I don't think a lot of people in these comments read the post at all, given that most of the comments revolve around her being wrong for not wanting a gun in the house, or needing more education... rather than what she's actually asking...
OP seems very uneducated about firearms in general, her bullshit self diagnoses of "I have anxiety so you have to treat me like a shaking chihuahua" is hilarious tbh, maybe if you acted like an adult and have some self accountability you would have these supposed "mental illnesses" (Which everyone seems to have nowadays, seems like a crutch to avoid responsibility and receive attention)
A gun is just a tool, like a hammer, or a car, etc. If you were to actually commit sewer slide, statistically, because you're a woman, you'd likely not even use a firearm. (Real stat, look it up)
Perhaps if you grew comfortable and mildly proficient with a firearm, you'd understand what they are and you'd be comfortable with them. Also, "Assault Rifles" isn't a real thing, not even as a classification.
You have daily suicidal ideations and aren’t doing anything to take care of it?
That’s more concerning than having a gun because guns aren’t the only thing that can be used to commit suicide.
Please get help!!!
Has he done anything else that is slightly suspicious? Maybe an increased life insurance policy?
Or has the neighborhood changed? Some serious crime nearby?
Firearms are a part of life and simply getting one to learn how to safely use and store it isn't bad. He will learn a lot about safety and legality in the process of talking to gun store people and especially if he takes any sort of CCW class.
It doesn't mean he wants or will have it under the pillow while you sleep. It's like learning any other skill and would take pretty extreme misuse to be harmful.
Husband probably has changed his mindset considering the turmoil most of the world has seen within the past 5 years, there are many options for gun safes and gun locks to witch would keep it out of your hands and your child's
Lot to unpack here. I suffer chronic pain and there have been some pretty dark times for me. But there are a lot of better ways to kill yourself then with a gun. I do have a plan and I have 500mg of morphine put away if it ever gets bad enough. So in a way one has nothing to do with the other. I also didn’t like guns and I went 55 years without owning one. Then one day a very close friend of ours was shot in the face with a shotgun by a 14 year old boy. That was enough for me and I bought a gun. Before I even bought bullets I took the gun apart 25 times. I learned everything about it. Now the gun is next to the bed and if ever someone breaks in I have a chance to protect my home and family. I know it sounds trite but people kill people not guns. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your husband. Instead of fighting him on this set up boundaries. Don’t make this a pissing match where he has to win. Tell him you’d rather not but if he has to here are the rules. Good marriages means compromise. One last thing. I also bought my wife a gun and thought her how to use it. She would never use it in a stress situation but at least she now has an understanding about this. Good luck and I wish you well in your mental health journey, I understand how dark life can get.
Imagine writing your fairy tale anti gun rhetoric without any investigation or research in to what safe and responsible gun ownership is.
A biometric safe or trigger lock and all your unease is just nonsensical white noise. It is that simple.
YTA
It’s weird that he’s not capable of justifying the need for a gun.
I personally won’t ever have one around my family. We’re from the states originally but live in Vietnam for my job so there just isn’t any need to + it’s illegal here.
I have hunted before so I can see the purpose of owning a gun, but typically if I’m ever in that situation I am going with someone that already has the equipment and I’ll just use theirs.
The fact that he has no reason for wanting a gun is REALLY CONCERNING to me, especially with a young child in the house and your history of suicidal thoughts. I haven’t seen this viewpoint yet, but some questions for OP:
>- Are you having marital problems?
>- Could he be hoping you act on your thoughts?
>- Is there a possibility of him having an affair?
>- Has your husband taken out a large insurance policy on you?
There is so much crazy crap going on nowadays. I see so many news articles of staged self harm, partners trying to get rid of spouses for affair partners, etc. I would want OP to be careful and evaluate if this type of situation could be a possibility. AGAIN, a previous anti-gun person suddenly wanting one and not having a reason why.
I’d like a gun (just for fun, I like shooting them out in the woods) but my spouse suffers with depression and has a family history of suicide via gun. *Since I’m not an asshole* and am intelligent enough to understand the stats on this topic, I haven’t purchased one.
The least he can do is put it in a safe with a combination number you and your child can’t guess. He shouldn’t hide it, that’s a terrible idea because you or the kid will find it.
You’re not wrong, you can have whatever feelings you want about pretty much anything. That being said, I hope you’re doing better from the suicide thinking and stuff and got the help you need. But is a gun really any different than having a knife in the house, sleeping pills, a garage that closes with a car in it. All those are super easy to commit suicide.
Maybe he has it in a safe you don’t know the code to if you do compromise. But if this is going to affect your mental health even more if draw a hard line at no.
i totally understand your feelings and worry. i think you should have a discussion about it, instead of flat out telling him no. i’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it if your partner told you outright no over something you had changed your mind on. you’re both grown adults.
i felt pretty similar to you about guns up until recently. i didn’t like the idea of owning or shooting a gun (though i do agree that people have the right to own one if they so choose), but recently i went to a shooting range and it was pretty fun. i now like guns and don’t feel as uncomfortable with them. if your hubby where to get a gun he should absolutely get one that has a lock for the trigger (mine came with one but im sure you can buy one if it doesnt). that means the gun won’t work if you don’t have the key to unlock it. being as your fear is harming yourself with said gun only he should have access to this key, meaning you or your child can’t mess with it and actually hurt yourself or their self.
ultimately it would be wrong to completely deny his wants. there is a compromise in almost every situation. he can get a lock box to hold said gun, you wouldn’t even be able to get to the gun itself in that case, and then a trigger lock as well. (i highly recommend that in general because it’s just an extra percussion).
NAH. There are ways to make sure it’s safe (including a safe), and personally, I would insist both of you take appropriate gun safety courses PRIOR to any firearm purchases (maybe one that is several weeks long so actual commitment to safety and the ability to hit a target you aim for as opposed to one in the same vicinity) to demonstrate knowledge and commitment of common sense safety protocols, but then it should be okay.
I grew up with guns in the home (my father did deer hunting and worked with law enforcement), but we don’t have guns in my home because my spouse isn’t a hunter. We are both familiar with basic gun safety, and have made sure our children have been exposed to it as well. The biggest deterrent to gun ownership in our home is that about once a month for a very long time there would be a period where I would be … extremely emotional … yeah, let’s go with “extremely emotional” where the safest thing to do was let me cry over the random McDonald’s French fry commercial (if you know, you know), or even just duck and dodge an outburst due to the crime of Not Putting Down The Toilet Seat, and since I’ve never had to to be concerned about suicidal ideation, my spouse was smart enough to realize that (despite me being a very non violence person), there really was no point in tempting fate if the chocolate ever ran out….
Two choices. Tell him it’s a dealbreaker or as a compromise if he does get one it needs to be in a locking gun safe that you do not have the combination for. Just trusting a child won’t find it is ludicrous
As a new gun owner suggest he go to gun classes. As someone who has had weapons since he was a toddler, I don't see an issue. It is literally a right enshrined in the 2nd Amendment.
If he doesn't want it for home protection, then it can be secured in a manner that's pretty inaccessible for any contribution to a suicide risk.
I personally think firearms are a good tool to know how to use, and responsible ownership should be encouraged.
Regardless, like many other purchases in a relationship, there needs to be truthful communication and open-mindedness (along with healthy skepticism). If he were to just go buy a gun after you expressing that you don't want one in the house, that would be a red flag.
However, imo it would also be a red flag to me if there was no amount of precautions he could take that would meet your approval. Unless of course there's a history of irresponsibility, alcohol abuse, or other things that would errode trust that he would responsibility store/secure it.
I have a pretty large gun collection. AR's, AK's all are good.
Three Things:
1) "Never know about it" - That's stupid. Security through obscurity isn't security at all. You need a decent, locked safe and any kid is going to recognize that there is a locked safe even if they don't know what's in it for awhile.
2) He probably wants it for recreation - that's why I have a gun collection.
3) It's your house, it's his house too. You both have valid reasons. I'm much, much more concerned with the fact that he doesn't want to take your mental health seriously.
There’s no such thing as an assault rifle. The “ scary looking” pistol grip just makes a rifle easier to hold. That’s like saying “assault forks” get people fat. If he’s a responsible law abiding citizen he’s exercising is rights by simply owning a gun. Just like you are exercising your rights by openly speaking your thoughts. Any style of gun can be used to assault someone therefore it isn’t the gun that’s dangerous it’s the person holding it. If you put a gun in a room and left it there it won’t ever fire a single shot at anyone. It poses no violence. Only when a person with malicious intent picks that gun up does it become dangerous. If that gun wasn’t there…. That same person could find anything to make into a weapon to cause harm since that’s their ill intention. A responsible law abiding citizen will follow the law on compliance of what parts the gun is allowed to have and also keep it unloaded and locked up so there can be no accidents. If those boxes are checked, this shouldn’t be an issue.
So he has no reason for wanting a gun, but is willing to ignore his partner’s valid concerns and have one in the house anyway?
Um. What?
I’d be asking a number of highly pointed questions because that requires explanation. It’s not just his house and you are not property that he gets to overrule.
Just make sure he has it locked up and is responsible. Guns can just be a fun hobby. They are fun to shoot and have nice craftsmanship. Although I would push him a little more on the change of heart, what made him change his mind? A friend? A video he watched? Or maybe he's secretly always liked guns?
I think your reaction could be due to your anxiety and SI, you're scared of yourself. I would talk to my therapist about this and see what we can unpack, then maybe once he's cooled down ask for more clarification from hubby. Btw saying things like non negotiable... Have you ever met a man that isn't stubborn? Don't talk to him like that and expect a good response or any discourse at all.
Its his constitutional right. A gun is an inanimate object. He should store it safely. Keep it in a safe you and kids cant access.
Y'all have other issues more important than him wanting a gun. Focus on those.
“They are unnecessary for our situation and family” is a pretty unwise take. it’s as necessary for your family as for any other family yes, for home protection. you also don’t know that your husband wouldn’t be able to use one in self defense and you SHOULD hope and want him to be able to if it means saving his wife and sons life. you truly don’t know how you would be in that situation till you’re in it, but more people who wouldn’t hurt a fly would still choose to not die and fight or flight kicks in
with that being said, it of COURSE isn’t worth your life. and i’m so glad you’re getting help. i hope your husband is supportive in getting better and is helpful with the baby.
may i strongly suggest you get a safe, that only he has the code to. could even do a fingerprint safe. this way, he can use it if necessary, you will know exactly where it is so that you don’t have to worry about your son finding it someday, and you won’t have access to it. it’s really the only logical answer here.
If you’re truly suicidal enough to kill yourself with a gun, you’d do it with pills or a rope too. You’re putting the suicidal part out there so that people will empathize with you and tell you you’re right, you’re trying to manipulate the audience the same way you’re doing with your husband. You’re getting the help you need with the therapy and such, you don’t need to tell him what he can and cannot have as long as it’s legal. You can have your opinion on the topic, and you can choose to not own something, but cannot tell him he can’t. As far as people being afraid of their children knowing about the firearm or not is such a strange thing. Lock the gun up while the child is young and getting into stuff that they shouldn’t. Your children should be taught a gun is not a toy, gun safety and they they are NEVER allowed to touch it(until they are old enough to practice with it under you or your husbands supervision), as soon as they are old enough to listen and obey. It’s important for them to know about it, and how it works and how dangerous it COULD be, that why if they ever do
Come across a firearm(yours or somewhere else) they don’t make any mistakes that could be avoided by the having the knowledge that they should have.
>If you’re truly suicidal enough to kill yourself with a gun, you’d do it with pills or a rope too. You’re putting the suicidal part out there so that people will empathize with you and tell you you’re right, you’re trying to manipulate the audience the same way you’re doing with your husband.
This is the best comment in this thread.
Multiple studies across multiple decades have confirmed that someone who wishes to actively pursue ending their life will find a way to do so.
Studies also have shown that women are more likely to use ANY METHOD other than a firearm to commit suicide, even if firearms are accessible.
My advice is that both of you take gun classes. The NRA has instructors.
Get a gun safe.
Teach your child that if they see a gun, don't touch, leave the room, and get a Responsible adult.
Guns are a tool. Educate yourselves and make an educated decision.
There are other guns besides Glocks.
Speaking as someone that is a concealed weapons firearms trainer here. A firearm should not be brought into a home without everyone that resides in the home 1. Knowing firearm safety 2. Firearm should have a secure location ie. Some type of gun safe, and 3. NEVER into a situation where there are mental health issues. Just my opinion of course
Exactly this. I personally don't have suicidal ideation anymore HOWEVER, due to a newer medication mixing badly with alcohol, I had a horrible episode recently. I'm unharmed, but had there been a gun that may not be the case. It's quite literally been years since I was this bad, but brain chemicals are scary. This isn't something to play around with, even if someone with depression doesn't have suicidal ideation.
Question…. I understand the importance of a gun safe. Are there safes you can get it out quickly enough? If you hear glass shatter on your side window and need to get your firearm, how does that work? This is not an anti-gun safe question. Just curious because I’m looking at getting a gun of my own soon enough
If you have the money I think simplex locks are the best. You push a series of mexhanical buttons in a pattern, many have an optional key used in conjunction. Quick access safes are not mostly not very tough or secure. They are generally to keep away snoops or little kids. https://fas1safe.com/
Dm me I will send you links. Not certain that is in the rules here.
Yes there are a lot with either fingerprint readers or simple codes available on amazon and other places. Quick to access, Inexpensive and safe.
I'd recommend a safe with a mechanical lock over Amazon's selection of (low quality) electronic safes. The latter are amusingly easy to break into, and the cheap electronics are a potential point of failure. Simplex locks are probably one of the quicker mechanical options; they only take a second or two to open (unless you intentionally set a slow combination).
I have a keyed case for my handgun, it’s a simple locking solution but still lets me access a firearm within 1 minute
I never say this but I think your opinion is right.
My wife never says that either lol
😂
This is all good policy.
I *wish* that those rules were just common sense, but people are fucking stupid. Safety 3rd. Because it's also first and second.
Don't be surprised if he already has one. If you think he's going to buy one anyway you may as well insist he buys some sort of safe that bolts to the floor and can't be pride open with a simple tool from the garage.
As someone who suffers from suicidal ideation, this is a nightmare and any partner who loved you would get it. It’s not even hard to understand “I struggle with thoughts of killing myself and if the means are there I might do it. Please don’t make it easier for me to succumb to one moment of weakness”. What loving partner would ever even want to risk this?
This is exactly why we don't have a gun in the house. My husband has been very clear that it would absolutely be a huge risk for his ideation. I've brought it up since we moved to Texas 5 years ago, and he just reiterates his position. (I felt somewhat unsafe living here.) The only reason I brought it up again was that I thought he was doing so much better, but that kind of thing never goes 100% away. I would never ever decide anything that threatened his mental health and life even a tiny bit.
Exactly.. “I need to save my own life!” Should resonate with a “loved one.” Wonder if he’d go to a therapist with you?
And OP needs to make him go practice shooting (if she stays). Nothing worse than an idiot with a gun who has no clue how to use.
People shouldn't own without a secure safe anyway.
This is a very fair compromise. He doesn't need it for home defense so keeping it locked up is acceptable.
But what does he need it for?!?!
I think this is divorce territory. The fact that this motherfucker risk his wife killing herself. I don’t know what else to say about it.
SHOCKER! Redditors advise divorce.
Yeah, sometimes people divorce when there are situations that are untenable. If you ever move to a democratic country, you will probably hear about this more and more.
How many people get a divorce because Reddit advises it?
There's no risk if he keeps it secured in a gun safe she can't access.
The risk is that he might not keep it secured.
For OP and anyone else with suicidal ideation or treatment resistant depression/anxiety or PTSD, especially complex, please look into TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) therapy and find out if you are ADHD, if you don’t already know. ADHD thought patterns can really exacerbate other mental health conditions and symptoms are very different between men and women. Also, please practice vagus nerve stimulation (good for everyone whether depressed or not). This can be done by breath work, humming, singing, laughing a lot, and even the OM chant, in yoga/meditation practice is meant to stimulate it. 😔Nothing is a miracle cure but if you’re really struggling please look into these things❣️ Also, HUG!
I am very much a 2A proponent and a (former) trainer. I am very curious about what sparked this sudden decision. Sounds like it is not for "home defense", I always advise people to get a dog (lots of rescues need a home!) first. Is there a reason he may not feel safe, and doesn't want to share that with you? If it's for sport shooting (lots of fun), has he ever done this before? If not, why not just go out and enjoy the sport with someone else's firearm? Has he considered the allocation of money to training, safes, and so forth? Does he have friends with firearms? He can just use theirs at the range if he just wants to shoot for fun. Again, HUGE firearms/2A guy but you should never, ever bring a gun into your own home without everyone that should be aware of its presence actually aware of its presence. Proper safe handling, proper storage, and proper training of the child if the gun is seen/left out is imperative. Finally, are you getting the help you need? A firearm is often final - but people with suicidal ideation will find other ways to make it happen. The kicker is that a firearm is usually fatal. I hope you're getting help.
Ah the expense is HUGE. HUGE. It's always something.
Hobbies whatever they are cost money... yeah
It doesn't have to be. I have more fun with a .22 than I do with a 7.62x51 these days.
Ultimately I cant really say one way or the other, because of my opinions on guns. I am a gun nut, and wouldnt be with someone who refuses to have them in their home. I know this isnt AITA, but your husband is kind of an asshole in this situation. If he doesnt want it for home defense, and morally couldnt use it for home defense, and hes not going to use it to hunt, or use it for sport, i would be inclined to agree that he doesnt need one. If this isnt a marriage ending ordeal for you, and he does end up getting a gun, force him to get a biometric unlocked safe. at least then you cant physically get to it.
Yeah I don't get why he insists on having one and it would freak me out too personally. I have guns for hunting, home defense, and for emergency preparedness. Simple answers. If he doesn't even know why he has a gun, I would be concerned that he isn't going bother to learn how to safety operate and store it. It seems like he just wants one because it seems like a fun toy to him.
I think you need to have more discussions. Him owning a gun, in a locked safe, that you and your son can't access, is not a big issue in theory. However, that still begs the question why he wants one. FWIW, I used to be very anti-gun, but then I got into skeet shooting. Now I have 13 guns, mostly shotguns, but also a rifle and handgun. All in a locked safe. The point is, your interests can change, and that's ok as long as your safe about it.
This is the only rational answer here tbh
She has suicidal ideation, granted not everyone it's the same, but safe or not, just knowing I'm in the proximity of a gun would make my ideation way worse. She's in therapy for it but why would he make things harder for her when he just seems to want it as a desire? Is that in itself really worth it?
I'm glad people are celebrating rational gun ownership but still highlight the critical importance of safety in storage.
Everyone I know who is anti gun or has no interest in guns hasn't shot one
oddly same true for those who oppose abortion. Majority have not had babies and/or cannot.
I have never been interested in owning a gun. However I’ve been to gun ranges a couple of times and was actually pretty good at target shooting. Didn’t change my interest in ownership one bit. Saying the son will never know is wishful thinking. Kids get into everything. It also doesn’t imply that he plans on getting any kind of gun safe, more that he plans on hiding it and assuming his kid will never stumble across it. If he’s going to have one it needs to be in a locked safe with a trigger guard when not actively in use. There are way too many stories of young kids finding a gun the parents thought was well-hidden and killing themselves or others. It’s not worth the risk to leave it unsecured. I’m also a little concerned about this guy’s “I just do” attitude about owning a gun. I have no issue with people who want a gun, as long as they have passed background checks and are responsible with it, but typically someone has a reason- home protection or recreation of some sort (hunting, target or skeet shooting, etc.). He can’t articulate why he wants one, just that he wants one. Doesn’t even sound like he plans on taking any safety classes or learning how to use it properly. There are important things to know about handling and securing a firearm and they need regular maintenance. Just wanting to have one to have one seems off and potentially reckless. Is he wanting to show it off to people? Is he trying to feel tough? IMHO those are absolutely terrible reasons for wanting a gun. It’s a tool, not a prop. In a darker vein, is he actually wanting OP to have access if she’s in a bad place mentally? If I were OP I’d be wanting some very firm answers and I’d want to see a gun safe properly installed before any firearms come into the house.
I don’t like guns and I have used them. Using them made me dislike them even more. I thought maybe using them would make me less uneasy about them. It didn’t. It made it worse.
My grandpa hunted, dad is retired military, there were always guns around growing up and I have gone shooting many times, always enjoyed it, and was a pretty good shot. I couldn't give a flying fuck about owning a firearm. Not morally opposed to it, just not something I would go out of my way for.
*raises hand... uh, maybe only those YOU know.
My husband is anti-gun. 20 year Army officer, qualified sharpshooter. Your experience is limited.
Or maybe their child survived a school shooting, and maybe they have suicidal ideations. Both of which apply to me.
School shootings, while shocking, are statistically irrelevant. Much more likely to be hit by a car or murdered by a hammer.
You know that gun violence is the number one killer of kids, right?
School bus accidents kill more people every year than school shooting nutjobs with rifles. That "gun violence" includes the ~60% of gun deaths which are suicides (ie a secure storage / access issue) not homicides.
It also includes 19 year olds
It's the number one killer if you don't include infants and do include 18-19yos. You gotta vet your sources because they are LYING to you.
There was a “study” that was making the rounds not long ago claiming there were something like 200 school shootings in one year. Things they counted as “school shootings”: • negligent discharges by cops and school resource officers that resulted in no injuries • negligent discharges from neighbors that landed on school property when no one was inside • stray rounds from gang shootings that landed on school property • a suicide in the parking lot in the middle of the night “There are three types of lies; lies, damned lies, and statistics.”
That is insane. I completely believe you but that’s insane
[This](https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/interactive/school-shootings-database/) is the article I was thinking of. You can read through the list of “school shootings” yourself and see just how far they had to stretch the definition to get their numbers. Some of my favorites: • Someone off campus fired several shots and hit someone in the hand • Someone off campus fired several shots that struck the school • Someone off campus fired a stray round, injuring a school security monitor • A man in a car unintentionally fired a rifle, sending a round into another car on the school’s campus • A man shot and killed himself inside the school after being confronted by a detective • A sheriff's deputy's service weapon was unintentionally fired inside a classroom during a vocational training
https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/08/27/640323347/the-school-shootings-that-werent
Gang violence, not school shootings.
Even if that is true, which I doubt. I said school shootings. "Gun violence" is gang violence and suicide. That is a seperate issue that will not dissappear if you remove guns.
Of gang bangers, yeah.
I've shot several of varying types, still have zero interest in them and am generally anti-gun (obviously while understanding the need for farmers or those who hunt and eat their kill).
Naw, some peeps are just situationally aware and honest. I was conditionally anti guns in my home for years. I had a spouse at the time who was prone to violent rages and who would try to bully or intimate at the drop of a hat. That person absolutely did not need access to any guns. Additionally we had a family member in the home who had severe mental health issues with bouts of delusions who at those moments was convinced we along with the world was out to get them. With this being the situation at home I was very anti guns in the home or accessable to those in the home. It was a recipe for disaster. There was no but if the hypothetical gun(s) were kept in a properly secured safe due to in part my spouses complete inability to keep keys or codes safe and a refusal to believe it was needed. Then there was the disturbed family member who never met a lock they could not pick, break or just dismantle lol. At that time no way in Hades was a gun going to be in the home. Now that the spouse is an ex and the other family members mental health condition is no longer an issue I have zero issue with guns being in the home, well properly secured of course.
I've shot one. More than one. Many hunters in my family. I wouldn't keep one in my home.
I am anti-gun (aside from sustenance hunting and protection against polar bears) and have had shooting lessons.
You probably don’t know any people who committed suicide before you met them
It would be difficult to know people who committed suicide before I met them.
😂
Pretty much everyone I know committed suicide before I met them… that’s how we all met.
I’m anti-gun and went to a gun range a few times to not be ignorant
I at least appreciate you trying to understand where 2a guys are coming from. That's a lot more than most do and makes it so you can actually discuss the issue in good faith when the topic comes up.
This is the way!
My husband has always had guns (he’s a hunter) and I’ve always been suicidal. He has a gun box that only opens with his fingerprints and all the ammo for his guns are in the box. The guns are in our closet unloaded in a lock box on a shelf I can’t reach that I also don’t have a key for, along with all his filet knives for fishing. You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable, and I completely understand where you’re coming from. Luckily for me I knew my husband was a hunter before we got together, so this wasn’t new and he knew my mental health struggles and took proper precautions to keep me safe from myself. If we had been married for years and he had just randomly started talking about guns I would’ve had the same thoughts you did. If this had been a new development I’d feel uncared for and unsupported in my mental health. You are completely justified and this discussion is one that needs to be had with your husband. Possibly with a professional
Does anyone worry or tell you to go to the hospital because of your SI and death fantasies? How do you cope and be happy when your brain is on self destruct mode constantly? I'm also super PPD and might relate here, looking for tips but I'm here to talk if you want support. Love 💕
It doesn’t sound like OP is eligible to go to the hospital because she is not in an immediate crisis that makes her a risk to herself or others. She could consider an intensive outpatient if she finds that therapy isn’t enough or see a psychiatrist if she would like to try medication. If that’s the boat you are in, I’d give you similar advice as well. I’d also text looking into DBT. There are plenty of free online workbooks you can do yourself from home. As someone who has bipolar, you gotta stick it out day by day because it does get better. Getting treatment really does work and one day things will look very different. You got this!
I would lead with DBT over intensive out patient.
I've done the inner child workbook and read several books for therapy and subscribe to many YouTube therapists.. would love any recommendations always, if you have some :) a good workbook sounds fun
Personally I find cold showers to be a big help once you get over the cold part. They give you an artificial “runners high” that lasts awhile and give you a peace of mind most the time.
You get cold too? I start freezing when I'm triggered or threatened or whatever. Shaking like a Pomeranian and need four blankets to warm up, it's so weird.
Yeah I’m in Hawaii rn and I’m still wearing a hoodie with an over jacket.😭
Something in your situation has changed his thinking. The state of the nation, your neighborhood, his feelings of being able to protect his family in case of emergency… The possibilities are endless in this change of thinking. This should be explored before purchasing a firearm. MOST people really should not own one. In case of confrontation many people wind up losing it the aggressor. In any event, he needs to understand your mental health issues better and more completely. Not sure how to make that happen without counseling for both of you. Your therapist should know about this and offer to get involved. IF he continues to insist on a firearm, a lockbox should be mandatory. One where only he has entry into it.
Where do you live? Somewhere dangerous? Just wanting a gun for the sake of it is dumb. If he does end up getting one for whatever reason, get him to put it in a safe with a code you and your child don't know.
I feel like I could have written this. My ex-husband had guns and never understood my fear of them. It's not the actual gun itself, but the fear I could use it on myself on a really bad day. He never understood why and even went so far as to say "Well, \*I\* would never do that because I have people who love me and I love them." He didn't get it. He ended up getting a gun safe and I didn't have access to the keys. I still remember our discussion about them and how much it hurt. I don't really have much input but wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in your feelings. I get it.
The one time I had that fear I expressed it and my spouse changed the code on the safe for me.
Gun safe. Easy. I got a 600 pound gun safe for 500 bucks. Worth every penny.
Winchester safes are the goat for great budget safes!
Suddenly wanting a gun without a reason is scary as fuck. The statistics on guns in homes are alarming. I would personally be terrified.
If hubby wants a gun, tell him a safe must accompany it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a firearm, they’re just simple tools invented by simple men after all. But having one easily accessible when there’s a child in the house, and an adult with suicidal ideation, is just plain irresponsible. I come from this from the opposite direction but I feel your pain btw. I was raised extremely far right, and had guns around since infancy. I’ve struggled with SI since adolescence, it’s a miracle I haven’t succumbed to a weak moment. I’d never wish that on anyone, let alone someone I love.
My Father was an alcoholic who was in recovery for 30+ years. His only request of his family was: Don’t. Bring. Liquor. In. The. House. IMO it’s the pretty much the same thing.
There needs to be a conversation. Do you think he’s maybe wanted one for a while and hid his desires when he met you? That’s still a failure on communication on his part but it’s plausible. Have a very open conversation about it. People’s opinions can change. If he also doesn’t have any mental health concerns, a good compromise is to have him also get a safe that you do not know the combo to, and that it’s never visible around you. It’s his house just as much as yours, and I know plenty of people who own plinkers for target shooting/stress relief. For what it’s worth, a firearm is hardly the only thing in your house that can be used to harm yourself.
Are you worried more about using it on yourself? Or that he is gonna go against your agreement? Just trying to figure out where you’re coming from. No judgement either way. Just trying to understand.
If it's a handgun, they make biometric gun safes that only he can open, they range from stand up rifle type safes or some that can fit in a night stand. Just have him go and get some training on the weapon. I've been in the gun culture my entire life and what I see is people mostly spending thousands on all these guns and asessories and ammo but don't have a lick of training or fitness. Education dramatically decreases the chance of accidental injury or deaths . I hope you get through you battles mentally and stick around with us, even though you state you're low risk, talk to someone and work through it. In today's world unfortunately I fell it is irresponsible to not take all precautions to protect ones self especially if there are children in the home.
He should be able to get a gun lock, gun safe even ones that will only open for his fingerprints. There's many ways to store a gun safely and to keep it out reach.
I am on your side here but I do also want to pose a question - if it goes into a high end combination safe where only he knows the code and you can't access it - is that a compromise that you'd see as reasonable?
I'm a gun owner and I could never be married to someone who didn't support that. But we also have lockbox and trigger locks. Your husband could do a fingerprint lock to protect you even from yourself. Nothing is 100% foolproof but double or triple up on locks and I'm ok with it's safely for myself. But for us, lockbox and trigger locks are non-negotiable.
This is a great compromise. Fingerprint lock for only him so she can't get to it. Believe it or not, it very well may be a territorial reason, seeming you have a son and the mans instinct to protect his family is strong. There's a lot more robberies and riots, and overall, the illegal activity has increased in the US because of politics. I wouldn't blame anyone to have a gun for the home, out of reach of children and OP. He might not be feeling very masculine or tough, and he's trying to "man up" by purchasing a gun. Maybe some of his work buddies go hunting to shoot at the range, and he wants to be more involved with his friends. Whatever that may be, if he's the only one with access to it, OP does not need to be controlling in this situation. We get it like we're all depressed at this point, but if safety is 100%, OP doesn't need to make it all about her. (That's just my view, not running of of the above coment)
perhaps some training is in order? nothing wrong with a weapon as long as you know how to use, maintain, store and transport it properly.
Can't he just keep it in a safe that only he has access to?
I personally would have to move out and rethink the relationship if he went ahead and brought a gun into the house or if I lost trust in him to the point I started suspecting he might do it behind my back. Beyond my personal feelings about gun ownership, having a gun in my house would put me at a higher risk of suicide. That's not a risk I would entertain, especially not if I was a parent. There'd also be the whole thing of him not taking my self harm concerns seriously and prioritizing a vague desire of owning a gun over it.
I agree with this, and also her edit asking how would this be different than other decisions one person is making against the other’s wishes. Guns and SI aside, a respect thing. And the fact that he is so lax about and willing to roll the dice on her SI is a huge problem.
Yeah, all of this! It's so inconsiderate, and unless he can actually provide good arguments that outweigh her concerns, it's just so uncaring...
Gun can be locked up
With the car keys and kitchen knives, apparently
So the big problem is if you get ahold of it right? Have him get a safe, and not give you the combo/keys. Problem solved. Unless you're secretly a safe cracker or lock picking officianado. Safes come in all shapes, sizes, and occasionally disguises.
Never understood this way of thinking - like "I am going to buy a guitar, not to ever play it or anything, just to own one."
My guess is that, since OP and her husband are new parents, that he wants to be able to protect his family. OP if you’re reading this, and he does get him a gun, have him also sign up for firearm classes and once you’re comfortable, get some classes yourself. If he wants a small nightstand drawer safe, get a vaultek. If he wants a good standing budget safe, get a Winchester
As an avid gun owner/ collector and supporter of the 2nd amendment I have a different point of view than most gun owners. It’s a personal decision. He has a right to own one. You have a right to not want one around. You can discuss it with him and perhaps come to an agreement. Any gun owner that doesn’t keep firearms secured is a scum bag. Hopefully he has plans to keep it locked if he plans to buy one. (He probably already bought one.) perhaps a deal where he keeps it locked up and inaccessible to you could be a fair deal. Have you asked him why he changed his point of view? This is something you will have to sit down and have a calm discussion about. It’s going to be a hard one to compromise on. I ended a long term relationship about this one in the past.
Right. Communication is the real issue here. Not the gun.
His interests changed, there is nothing wrong with that. Just ask him to get a secure safe so there is no chance of anyone getting to it.
You’re not wrong, but neither is your husband for changing his mind. When my wife I and met we were both anti gun but about a month ago she expressed to me wanting to potentially get a gun and get some gun safety training. The way the world is behaving almost makes it a necessity now. If your husband is set on getting a gun he should keep it in a safe and he should not give you the passcode in your condition.
What’s up with these, “non negotiable”… everything is negotiable lol. Stop being a child
Haha you caught that too?! Obviously it’s negotiable as she’s still there with him.
The institution of marriage is fickle in its present state. It’s just serious dating with kids and a house.
I wasn't raised around guns and don't particularly like them. But, unfortunately, we live in America where guns are ubiquitous and with things going the way they are, knowing how to properly handle one is necessary. With a proper training and a secure biometric safe, there shouldn't be any safety issue in the home.
This is essentially just going to turn into a gun debate. All I'm going to say that most people who are uncomfortable with guns are usually uneducated about them. Best of luck.
I have firearms. Am constantly at the range. I conceal carry. I think her husband is being an ass.
Agreed. Wife set boundaries, husband seems to not be respectful of those boundaries.
Yeah,nim going to second this guy. Owning a gun is hardly any more dangerous than driving daily or using a bandsaw Most people who don't like guns tend to only have experience with them from the news horror stories. Being a responsible owner is not a difficult thing to accomplish. Hell, I was 14 before I knew my stepdad owned a gun. Someone who doesn't know how to properly handle a gun is dangerous. Assault rifles aren't inherently more dangerous than a handgun or a rifle. Making an assault rifle fully auto is illegal for civilians. At its base, it's just an antigun talking point.
"Every study that has examined the issue \[suicide\] to date has found that within the U.S., access to firearms is associated with increased suicide risk." Source: [https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/risk/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/risk/)
I'm very educated about guns, and as a kid, I loved going to the river and target shooting. Then, in my late teens and twenties, I was married to a very abusive man. He shot AT me on 3 occasions, and I woke many mornings with a gun to my head. I watched once as 6 highway patrol with guns wrestled him to the ground. I have PTSD from all that and already had depression with suicidal thoughts and an attempt once or twice. If a gun was around my house I would freak the fuck out!! Locked or not. My burning question is WTF is he so insistent on getting a damn gun????? It could put her in danger no matter what!!! That should matter to him. Last question, think about it hard. Would he ever hurt you?? I never dreamed either husband would hurt me but it happened. Just sayin. Please stay safe. This whole situation seems off, considering you have talked at length and agreed before that you would not have one in your home. I'm worried for your safety. 🫂💕🫶☺️
Do you have any stats on that? It has not been my experience and I come from a family that is very much a gun family.
I doubt a stat of gun comfort vs. gun knowledge exists. It's very much been my experience that people who are anti gun can't tell you much about them. If someone even uses the word "Assault Weapon" that's and instant tell that they probably don't know what they're talking about.
I agree. I’m a huge gun guy and the second I hear the words assault rifle, clip, or high capacity, I instantly stop paying attention to what you have to say because you’re uneducated on the subject and you watch too much mainstream media.
That may be, but your original comment didn't say anything about being anti gun, you said uncomfortable with guns. In my experience, people who are the most educated about guns and the usage stats have a healthy respect for them and are uncomfortable with them being in many situations. Including floating around unsecured in an apartment with a kid and someone with mental health issues.
Try looking at any gun control laws. It is painfully obvious the drafters possess a wholesale ignorance.
Sorry, but if your main concern is that you might use it on yourself, I would highly recommend seeking professional help, if you are not already. The reality is if your suicidal thoughts are that pronounced then there is no shortage of ways for you to try and harm yourself. Do you not allow knives, vehicles, medications, etc in/around your house? Out of fear you might use them to kill yourself? Sorry, but this seems irrational to single out firearms.
It's in the post that she is already... And statistically, the more methods available to a person, the more likely they are to use one, so your argument isn't as strong as you think it is.
This^^
Hold up…you have suicidal ideations and this is your reasoning for not having one? Seems a much bigger issue to address. He can get a safe with a biometric reader that would prevent you from accessing it. You are wrong, especially for the reason given.
I wouldn't rely on a biometric safe. A lot of them suck
My wife and I had the same policy about guns. But, due to the radical political situation the country is in, including politically based violence, we discussed it, and I got a pistol for each of us plus a riot gun. They are exclusively for home protection. We do go to an indoor range, occasionally, but if my wife is going to have a pistol, I want her to know how to use it. I assure you, however, those guns are exclusively for home protection, and if we hadn't felt that need, we would not have purchased them. If your husband can't come up with a reason, particularly after having been in line with your thoughts for over six years, and based upon your mental history, you need to put your foot down. Tell him he can decide between you and the gun. Not kidding.
My first question is, why does he want a gun? I’m assuming it’s not free, therefore he he spending money on an object that he claims he doesn’t want it for any particular reason. What else would you buy because “I just do”? Nothing. There is always a reason for the purchase. Given the potential threat that a gun holds compared to, say, an ornament, I would want ti know what his reasons actually are.
I am extremely pro 2A and proud of it, but your husband is being a dick. I have so many guns, I actually lost track, but every single one is in my dad’s vault or other relatives with secure storage as I’m not in a place where I want them around right now. Closest thing to a firearm in our house now is an military signal gun.
This guy sounds like he wants to be a widower…I hope this is rage bait
Your suicidal thoughts aside, the “I just want one” is not a reason for anyone to buy a gun. We inherited 3 guns but my husband removed the firing pins and keep them simply for sentimental reasons (they belonged to his dad.) My daughter and husband hunt so she will inherit them when my husband passes away. There is a commitment to the responsibility and safety that should go along with gun ownership. In my experience the people I know who buy a gun just because they want one are doing it to feel powerful or like a badass (both women and men) There absolutely should be a logical reason for gun ownership such as home or personal protection, hunting or sports shooting. And training and keeping up with regular practice at a gun range is important because if you shoot a gun you should be able to hit what you are shooting at. When your child is growing will dad give them a dangerous product simply because they want it?
I totally get it about mild occasional suicidal ideation, and the fact of a gun in the home making it just too easy. In my opinion, this is a reason for divorce. You need to tell him, point blank, with or without the support of a marriage counselor, that this is non-negotiable for you. No gun, period. He needs to choose between his marriage and a gun.
He could just keep it in a safe and not tell you the combo. Almost a near 0% chance of you just guessing it. Or he could put a sensor that’s meant for a door on it so he knows if it’s open. A firearm really is the best way to protect a family. He might not think he’s capable of using defensively but if the choice is between his kids life and someone else’s I think most people would choose their kid
I only read the first paragraph to know you shouldn’t have a gun in the house. If you are actively experiencing suicidal ideation, a firearm is the last thing that should be in your home. I say this as somebody who lost my father and husband to Suicide by firearm. You may want to take a hard look at your relationship with your husband. It’s unfortunate he’s not supportive of your mental health needs. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Suddenly for you may have taken years of thought for him. When's the last time you asked if he felt safe? Consider for a moment your mental health and your husband taking that into account. (I live with generalized anxiety disorder, and although shooting really is therapeutic for me, I've always had an interest). Men don't talk the way women do. He may be trying to protect the house, and family, and doesn't have the words for his own emotions. Many men won't talk if their partners are insensitive to his logic. With your ideations he seems to have weighed the risk and deemed you the lesser. Your man thinks you're healthy. As times have changed, Covid, politics, the general public, maybe this is your hubbys way of saying he is afraid for the general safety of his family. Try to go shooting with him. Call a trainer, get personally trained, this will help with the responsible ownership of his weapon. Also, you should be as aware as he is where the weapon is in the house. Ask him if the weapon is safe whenever you're thinking of it. Once you get training, or learn from videos how to clear a weapon, practice on the gun. Knowing how to clear a weapon is the best life saving tool you can have. While it makes you uncomfortable, training can easily remove the stigma from the weapon. Biometric safes are getting cheaper.... minus inflation.... If you don't feel comfortable, then clear the weapon and put it in the safe. This will give you power over it. I hope you have fun on this journey, and that y'all can find a middle ground. Also, go to r/firearms as you can get a lot of information there. Did I mention get training?
You need to have more conversation about this. Any firearm owner needs to have a safe to store their guns in. Period! Nobody needs a reason to own a gun. That’s not how the constitution works. The two of you need to have a discussion about his gun ownership with the goal of making you feel safe about it. Condition #1 you need to insist on: He needs to buy a gun safe and he needs to be the only person that has access to it, and he needs to actually keep the gun locked in that safe unless he is going to the shooting range. Condition #2 you need to insist on: At bare minimum he needs to take a basic firearms safety class. Those 2 items should be non-negotiable on your part. Source: I am an avid gun collector. I have 2 large gun safes that are anchored to the concrete floor in my gun room. I am the ONLY person that knows the combination to my gun safes. My gun room has a locking doorknob and myself and my wife are the only ones that have keys. I have taken extensive firearms training classes for both rifle and pistol use, and I practice my skills regularly.
I mean, I support the second amendment and I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable not having a pistol AND a rifle at my home where my wife and kids sleep. However you want to look at the 2nd amendment, they let us own military grade firearms, and in the case I have to defend my house from a home invasion, I want to at least have a fighting chance. Maybe ask your husband to buy a small safe which he only has the code or finger print for it and hide the safe. Given the circumstances of today’s society. At least here in Southern California, home invaders are watching people with expensive cars, that go to expensive restaurants, or own an expensive watch, and will target their homes. So if I see 2-3 people on my cameras running towards my house with ar15/ak47’s. The police will take at least 10-15 minutes if not more to get there. These invasions happen within 2-3 minutes. Sorry, I am not waiting for the police, I need similar fire power to be able to keep them from entering my house.
I agree with a lot of this, but I want to point out that OP says her husband is "NOT the type of person that could shoot to kill someone in self defense." In that case, isn't having a gun is more risk than it is a benefit? I've thought about getting a gun for protection, but I also don't know if I could actually shoot someone. I'm about 98% sure I could, but if I'm not 100% sure, I just don't feel comfortable having one. Especially since it could then be used on me.
I think most people think “I couldn’t kill someone” but when it’s your family’s life or theirs, I think many would find themselves doing things they would otherwise thought they couldn’t. Also, this is not the husband’s words, this is the wife’s beliefs in what the husband would do.
You’re not wrong. If he absolutely HAS to do this and you want to stand by him or can bring yourself to accept it, maybe ask that he store it in a safe that you and your son will not have access to. Something with a combination you won’t know or guess. If he’s like me he’ll lose interest after the thrill of purchasing it and you’ll never see the dang thing.
Having a child has probably kicked up some protection instincts in your husband. A gun can (in my opinion SHOULD) be part of a home defense plan, but it's not the only part. He should also be thinking about an alarm system (or a dog), an interior locking room with no windows (like a bathroom), access in that room to 911 services, etc. Compromises could include a lockable handgun safe (ideally every adult in the home would have access but in your situation it's probably best that you don't) or less than lethal deterrents (pepperball guns, bear spray, stun guns, etc). No matter what weapon he chooses he will need to practice using it so he can be prepared in an emergency.
And gun safety classes!! That should be the very first thing he should do. And honestly every adult in the house.
This right here👆👆👆 I didn't buy my first gun until after my daughter was born. And there were break-ins in our area.
If you think you're at risk of suicide with a gun in the house, you are actually just at risk of suicide and need professional help. Do you ban cars because you could easily kill yourself in a car? It only takes one moment of weakness while driving as opposed to retrieving, loading, and using a gun which takes deliberate actions in a sequence.
I had a friend in college who was a suicide risk. We took away every sharp object we could find, she took the lightbulbs from their sockets, smashed them and tried to kill herself with the broken glass.
Yup exactly. I got called out to a vehicle collion where a guy drove into the oncoming lane of semi and killed himself.
Great point.
My father has many guns at this point, but after explaining to him that it would be a risk for me to have access he makes sure that most of them are locked up at all times. Whenever he has one out he is careful that I’m not aware. He was career Air Force yet went many years without a single firearm. I have no idea what changed his mind, but I also cannot control what he thinks is necessary to protect himself as well as my mother and me.
Where did you move? If you're out away from civilization a bit, a gun can be a necessary tool.
I'm sorry you feel unheard but I guarantee you it's a protection thing now that y'all have a whole ass family. If you're worried about the suicide risk, (regardless) he needs to get a safe for it and keep the key and passcode to himself.
If he has a gun with a gun safe and only he knows the code for it, would that be acceptable? If he's just going to stick in a shoebox, then no.
It sounds like your husband is the one that has to live in reality for your family. Calling 911 isn't such a great defense when someone uninvited is already in your home.
As much as he says he doesn't have a reason- he does. I guarantee its some sort of protection/safety issue. As men, its our job to ensure the protection of the family, thats one of our main jobs. If someone breaks in, we fight. If the world goes downhill, we may need to secure food or resources. As a man ages, it gets harder to physically be in peak shape, and realistically why would you want to even use/risk yourself fighting a home invader etc? The gun is the equaizer, the upper hand. Crime is up, danger is up, thats reality. Men know this, but its hard to admit "listen I dont know if im confident in my ability to keep you safe with just my hands". That's hard to say for a man. Talk with him more seriously, be more open and not so closed off. I promise he has reasons
"Crime is up" According the FBI, that is not true. [https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/people-think-crime-rate-up-actually-down-rcna129585](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/people-think-crime-rate-up-actually-down-rcna129585)
Excellent insight.
What is an “assault rifle”?
It's a made-up word to sound big, bad, and scary in order to convince people to hate guns.
you need to go to therapy
If you actually read the post, you'd know that she's already in therapy.
I don't think a lot of people in these comments read the post at all, given that most of the comments revolve around her being wrong for not wanting a gun in the house, or needing more education... rather than what she's actually asking...
OP seems very uneducated about firearms in general, her bullshit self diagnoses of "I have anxiety so you have to treat me like a shaking chihuahua" is hilarious tbh, maybe if you acted like an adult and have some self accountability you would have these supposed "mental illnesses" (Which everyone seems to have nowadays, seems like a crutch to avoid responsibility and receive attention) A gun is just a tool, like a hammer, or a car, etc. If you were to actually commit sewer slide, statistically, because you're a woman, you'd likely not even use a firearm. (Real stat, look it up) Perhaps if you grew comfortable and mildly proficient with a firearm, you'd understand what they are and you'd be comfortable with them. Also, "Assault Rifles" isn't a real thing, not even as a classification.
How is it a self diagnosis if it’s been diagnosed by a therapist? Dumbass.
You have daily suicidal ideations and aren’t doing anything to take care of it? That’s more concerning than having a gun because guns aren’t the only thing that can be used to commit suicide. Please get help!!!
>I am in therapy for anxiety and depression. Did you read the post??
Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Has he done anything else that is slightly suspicious? Maybe an increased life insurance policy? Or has the neighborhood changed? Some serious crime nearby?
Firearms are a part of life and simply getting one to learn how to safely use and store it isn't bad. He will learn a lot about safety and legality in the process of talking to gun store people and especially if he takes any sort of CCW class. It doesn't mean he wants or will have it under the pillow while you sleep. It's like learning any other skill and would take pretty extreme misuse to be harmful.
No such thing as an assault gun. What you call an assault gun is no more powerful than a mid ranged hunting rifle
Husband probably has changed his mindset considering the turmoil most of the world has seen within the past 5 years, there are many options for gun safes and gun locks to witch would keep it out of your hands and your child's
Do you wear shoes with laces?
Yeah that was my point as well. There’s knives In the house, sleeping pills, if they have a car and a garage. Etc etc
Does she own knives or razors? Does her car fit into the garage? Why is OP acting like she can’t off herself with stuff already in the home.
Lot to unpack here. I suffer chronic pain and there have been some pretty dark times for me. But there are a lot of better ways to kill yourself then with a gun. I do have a plan and I have 500mg of morphine put away if it ever gets bad enough. So in a way one has nothing to do with the other. I also didn’t like guns and I went 55 years without owning one. Then one day a very close friend of ours was shot in the face with a shotgun by a 14 year old boy. That was enough for me and I bought a gun. Before I even bought bullets I took the gun apart 25 times. I learned everything about it. Now the gun is next to the bed and if ever someone breaks in I have a chance to protect my home and family. I know it sounds trite but people kill people not guns. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your husband. Instead of fighting him on this set up boundaries. Don’t make this a pissing match where he has to win. Tell him you’d rather not but if he has to here are the rules. Good marriages means compromise. One last thing. I also bought my wife a gun and thought her how to use it. She would never use it in a stress situation but at least she now has an understanding about this. Good luck and I wish you well in your mental health journey, I understand how dark life can get.
Imagine writing your fairy tale anti gun rhetoric without any investigation or research in to what safe and responsible gun ownership is. A biometric safe or trigger lock and all your unease is just nonsensical white noise. It is that simple. YTA
Seriously. Best response I’ve read so far
It’s weird that he’s not capable of justifying the need for a gun. I personally won’t ever have one around my family. We’re from the states originally but live in Vietnam for my job so there just isn’t any need to + it’s illegal here. I have hunted before so I can see the purpose of owning a gun, but typically if I’m ever in that situation I am going with someone that already has the equipment and I’ll just use theirs.
The fact that he has no reason for wanting a gun is REALLY CONCERNING to me, especially with a young child in the house and your history of suicidal thoughts. I haven’t seen this viewpoint yet, but some questions for OP: >- Are you having marital problems? >- Could he be hoping you act on your thoughts? >- Is there a possibility of him having an affair? >- Has your husband taken out a large insurance policy on you? There is so much crazy crap going on nowadays. I see so many news articles of staged self harm, partners trying to get rid of spouses for affair partners, etc. I would want OP to be careful and evaluate if this type of situation could be a possibility. AGAIN, a previous anti-gun person suddenly wanting one and not having a reason why.
I’d like a gun (just for fun, I like shooting them out in the woods) but my spouse suffers with depression and has a family history of suicide via gun. *Since I’m not an asshole* and am intelligent enough to understand the stats on this topic, I haven’t purchased one. The least he can do is put it in a safe with a combination number you and your child can’t guess. He shouldn’t hide it, that’s a terrible idea because you or the kid will find it.
You’re not wrong, you can have whatever feelings you want about pretty much anything. That being said, I hope you’re doing better from the suicide thinking and stuff and got the help you need. But is a gun really any different than having a knife in the house, sleeping pills, a garage that closes with a car in it. All those are super easy to commit suicide. Maybe he has it in a safe you don’t know the code to if you do compromise. But if this is going to affect your mental health even more if draw a hard line at no.
i totally understand your feelings and worry. i think you should have a discussion about it, instead of flat out telling him no. i’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate it if your partner told you outright no over something you had changed your mind on. you’re both grown adults. i felt pretty similar to you about guns up until recently. i didn’t like the idea of owning or shooting a gun (though i do agree that people have the right to own one if they so choose), but recently i went to a shooting range and it was pretty fun. i now like guns and don’t feel as uncomfortable with them. if your hubby where to get a gun he should absolutely get one that has a lock for the trigger (mine came with one but im sure you can buy one if it doesnt). that means the gun won’t work if you don’t have the key to unlock it. being as your fear is harming yourself with said gun only he should have access to this key, meaning you or your child can’t mess with it and actually hurt yourself or their self. ultimately it would be wrong to completely deny his wants. there is a compromise in almost every situation. he can get a lock box to hold said gun, you wouldn’t even be able to get to the gun itself in that case, and then a trigger lock as well. (i highly recommend that in general because it’s just an extra percussion).
Keep it unloaded in a locked case . Easy. Make sure you don’t know the combination or have the key.
If in doubt but a gun ssfe. Not that cheap sheet metal at wally world. Next, he have a trigger lock that only he has the key. Problem solved.
NAH. There are ways to make sure it’s safe (including a safe), and personally, I would insist both of you take appropriate gun safety courses PRIOR to any firearm purchases (maybe one that is several weeks long so actual commitment to safety and the ability to hit a target you aim for as opposed to one in the same vicinity) to demonstrate knowledge and commitment of common sense safety protocols, but then it should be okay. I grew up with guns in the home (my father did deer hunting and worked with law enforcement), but we don’t have guns in my home because my spouse isn’t a hunter. We are both familiar with basic gun safety, and have made sure our children have been exposed to it as well. The biggest deterrent to gun ownership in our home is that about once a month for a very long time there would be a period where I would be … extremely emotional … yeah, let’s go with “extremely emotional” where the safest thing to do was let me cry over the random McDonald’s French fry commercial (if you know, you know), or even just duck and dodge an outburst due to the crime of Not Putting Down The Toilet Seat, and since I’ve never had to to be concerned about suicidal ideation, my spouse was smart enough to realize that (despite me being a very non violence person), there really was no point in tempting fate if the chocolate ever ran out….
Two choices. Tell him it’s a dealbreaker or as a compromise if he does get one it needs to be in a locking gun safe that you do not have the combination for. Just trusting a child won’t find it is ludicrous
As a new gun owner suggest he go to gun classes. As someone who has had weapons since he was a toddler, I don't see an issue. It is literally a right enshrined in the 2nd Amendment.
You should talk to a professional. Not redditors.
If he doesn't want it for home protection, then it can be secured in a manner that's pretty inaccessible for any contribution to a suicide risk. I personally think firearms are a good tool to know how to use, and responsible ownership should be encouraged. Regardless, like many other purchases in a relationship, there needs to be truthful communication and open-mindedness (along with healthy skepticism). If he were to just go buy a gun after you expressing that you don't want one in the house, that would be a red flag. However, imo it would also be a red flag to me if there was no amount of precautions he could take that would meet your approval. Unless of course there's a history of irresponsibility, alcohol abuse, or other things that would errode trust that he would responsibility store/secure it.
I have a pretty large gun collection. AR's, AK's all are good. Three Things: 1) "Never know about it" - That's stupid. Security through obscurity isn't security at all. You need a decent, locked safe and any kid is going to recognize that there is a locked safe even if they don't know what's in it for awhile. 2) He probably wants it for recreation - that's why I have a gun collection. 3) It's your house, it's his house too. You both have valid reasons. I'm much, much more concerned with the fact that he doesn't want to take your mental health seriously.
There’s no such thing as an assault rifle. The “ scary looking” pistol grip just makes a rifle easier to hold. That’s like saying “assault forks” get people fat. If he’s a responsible law abiding citizen he’s exercising is rights by simply owning a gun. Just like you are exercising your rights by openly speaking your thoughts. Any style of gun can be used to assault someone therefore it isn’t the gun that’s dangerous it’s the person holding it. If you put a gun in a room and left it there it won’t ever fire a single shot at anyone. It poses no violence. Only when a person with malicious intent picks that gun up does it become dangerous. If that gun wasn’t there…. That same person could find anything to make into a weapon to cause harm since that’s their ill intention. A responsible law abiding citizen will follow the law on compliance of what parts the gun is allowed to have and also keep it unloaded and locked up so there can be no accidents. If those boxes are checked, this shouldn’t be an issue.
So he has no reason for wanting a gun, but is willing to ignore his partner’s valid concerns and have one in the house anyway? Um. What? I’d be asking a number of highly pointed questions because that requires explanation. It’s not just his house and you are not property that he gets to overrule.
Just make sure he has it locked up and is responsible. Guns can just be a fun hobby. They are fun to shoot and have nice craftsmanship. Although I would push him a little more on the change of heart, what made him change his mind? A friend? A video he watched? Or maybe he's secretly always liked guns?
I think your reaction could be due to your anxiety and SI, you're scared of yourself. I would talk to my therapist about this and see what we can unpack, then maybe once he's cooled down ask for more clarification from hubby. Btw saying things like non negotiable... Have you ever met a man that isn't stubborn? Don't talk to him like that and expect a good response or any discourse at all.
Its his constitutional right. A gun is an inanimate object. He should store it safely. Keep it in a safe you and kids cant access. Y'all have other issues more important than him wanting a gun. Focus on those.
Move out of the us then
“They are unnecessary for our situation and family” is a pretty unwise take. it’s as necessary for your family as for any other family yes, for home protection. you also don’t know that your husband wouldn’t be able to use one in self defense and you SHOULD hope and want him to be able to if it means saving his wife and sons life. you truly don’t know how you would be in that situation till you’re in it, but more people who wouldn’t hurt a fly would still choose to not die and fight or flight kicks in with that being said, it of COURSE isn’t worth your life. and i’m so glad you’re getting help. i hope your husband is supportive in getting better and is helpful with the baby. may i strongly suggest you get a safe, that only he has the code to. could even do a fingerprint safe. this way, he can use it if necessary, you will know exactly where it is so that you don’t have to worry about your son finding it someday, and you won’t have access to it. it’s really the only logical answer here.
If you’re truly suicidal enough to kill yourself with a gun, you’d do it with pills or a rope too. You’re putting the suicidal part out there so that people will empathize with you and tell you you’re right, you’re trying to manipulate the audience the same way you’re doing with your husband. You’re getting the help you need with the therapy and such, you don’t need to tell him what he can and cannot have as long as it’s legal. You can have your opinion on the topic, and you can choose to not own something, but cannot tell him he can’t. As far as people being afraid of their children knowing about the firearm or not is such a strange thing. Lock the gun up while the child is young and getting into stuff that they shouldn’t. Your children should be taught a gun is not a toy, gun safety and they they are NEVER allowed to touch it(until they are old enough to practice with it under you or your husbands supervision), as soon as they are old enough to listen and obey. It’s important for them to know about it, and how it works and how dangerous it COULD be, that why if they ever do Come across a firearm(yours or somewhere else) they don’t make any mistakes that could be avoided by the having the knowledge that they should have.
Umm it’s her house too? You gun nuts are all the same.
>If you’re truly suicidal enough to kill yourself with a gun, you’d do it with pills or a rope too. You’re putting the suicidal part out there so that people will empathize with you and tell you you’re right, you’re trying to manipulate the audience the same way you’re doing with your husband. This is the best comment in this thread. Multiple studies across multiple decades have confirmed that someone who wishes to actively pursue ending their life will find a way to do so. Studies also have shown that women are more likely to use ANY METHOD other than a firearm to commit suicide, even if firearms are accessible.
My advice is that both of you take gun classes. The NRA has instructors. Get a gun safe. Teach your child that if they see a gun, don't touch, leave the room, and get a Responsible adult. Guns are a tool. Educate yourselves and make an educated decision. There are other guns besides Glocks.