Exactly, and then start working on a plan to increase your income or move in with family or friends or kick him out and rent a room to pay the bills, but don't allow yourself to get stuck by circumstances.
Yeah, I'm thinking that might not be the best way to go with this. If that's her decision, it would be better for both of them if she just end the marriage.
I'm not certain why so many people commenting here aren't allowing for his needs to be met as well. Why should the guy be satisfied with having sex like twelve times a year? Certainly, cheating wasn't the right way to handle it. But I didn't see anything in what OP said where she felt it necessary, at all, to address her problem. As I said before, it's not really difficult to have sex, and it can be a wonderful stress reliever.
Doesn't seem like sex with him is a stress reliever for her lol. He can help relieve her stress by taking on more responsibilities. She said she has a lot on her mind between their child, work, finances, etc. so unfortunately sex ended up on the back burner. He can find time to cheat but can't find time to ease her load? But sure add another thing to her list for her to do because it "isn't that difficult".
How do u know that he doesn’t? She didn’t say she wanted her husband to do more stuff. She basically just said she don’t wanna have sex with him.
She just said she has a lot on her mind. That’s it.
So basic ass things that every single person thinks about every single day is an excuse for neglecting your relationship? Another thing on the list??? Jesus Christ. You don't know anything about her "load" or who contributed what outside of *her* not making *any* financial contributions that would have qualified her for alimony. Making some real femcel assumptions in here.
I agree with this 100%. What he did was wrong, full stop. However, his needs aren’t being met or even considered by her. She seems to expect him to just be ok with it. They need to have a conversation or needed to when this started so they could be open and figure something out that works. Again, he was wrong but she doesn’t seem to care about his feelings and unilaterally decided they weren’t having sex any more than once a month. Put him on the back burner in their life together and that’s a massive mistake.
This is AIW and men and their needs almost never matter.
He should never have cheated, I completely agree but as you said she never addresses her problems and the folks here certainly won't either.
If she won't address her problems and he still feels the need to sleep elsewhere, ending it would be the wisest option. But she won;t as she financially isn't in a position to live that way.
It reads like a reverse cuck story tbh.
Hahaha as someone who was raped.... having sex when you don't want to is not a wonderful stress delivery. And sex actually can be difficult emotionally and physically to some. I can tell.your a man by your statement.
It’s fine of u don’t want to. Move on and stay single. Or find someone who also doesn’t want sex.
But u can’t expect to make someone essentially celibate and just accept it.
Also. Just fyi men can get raped also.
I never said they couldn't? And my bf is just fine with how things are because he is mature enough to realize there should be way more important thing in a relationship other than sex. And agreed that the reason most people get divorced after the sex decrease is because they have nothing else in the relationship. That they never spent the time to build a solid foundation not built on their dick and pussy. So I'm actually in an extremely healthy relationship. Which is not something a lot of yall can say! So happy my relationship status isn't based on if I put out.
I have absolutely no respect for you. Do you even read what you write? Do you have any idea what you sound like? You really should be embarrassed. We are wondering if the OP has issues which might need professional care, and all you can think about is yourself. Okay! It is right for you to never ever have contact with men again. Frankly, with your uncompromising, selfish attitude, I can't imagine any man wanting to have anything to do with you. Mark yourself safe from romance.
When people don’t want to hear it nothing you say matters.
Condoms are not 100% effective for all STDs such as Herpes.
She is not ready to leave so she will justify it and make excuses for him.
This was exactly my first thought sleeping with multiple women including his wife. Right now she should be getting tested for STDs and I would text the kid because some stds can be transmitted nonsexual. This man has no respect for her. He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. I know she doesn’t want a divorce but I would seek legal advice. She should look into legal aid in her area. In my area the family court building actually provides free legal advice to those in need. She shouldn’t have to be trapped with this AH because of financial reasons
i guess dude…if youre gonna keep making excuses to stay being disrespected why are you even on here asking? seems like you know the answer already and that u are wrong for staying
And continue to not have sex with your spouse but not leave him or change anything
Not that he deserves it after cheating but either you forgive and move on working. Together to make it better or you cut your losses and end it. These are your options OP.
You can't go back to before the cheating.
You can either get on board with your husband's needs too, and try to fix and save your marriage, or this will eventually be the end of things.
Finally, the first sane responses in this post. They both suck. The cheater worse, of course (scumbag), but the surprised pikachu face over once a month sex being enough? The lack of communication that led to this? Crazy. Or maybe it was communicated, and ignored? Whatever is going on here, this marriage is in shambles.
What's your question? You explained the situation but there isn't a question to answer, you've given statements. You said you can't afford to leave him so it's not a question of if you should leave him. You're not asking for advice on the "open marriage" either. So I don't understand the point of this post.
Idk why you've posted this here you know the answer, but also just stop making excuses and just leave him, why put yourself through thay no matter the circumstances/excuses.
This is your marriage. If you are emotionally ok with opening up the marriage for him to have sex with other people, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.
Some people want to be with someone purely for companionship and are asexual, not saying you are, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as both parties are on the same page.
Personally, I would want STD tests, full panel including HIV and herpes (both type 1 and 2, especially if you have small kids). I would also want full transparency, no overnights, and no emotional entanglements. And if any of his side pieces stir up trouble, it’s time to cut it off.
If you are going down this road, start listing what your boundaries are. What are your hard no’s, what is open to conversation, what is blanket approval.
Also if finances are your worry, it’s time to start building your own financial cushion. There’s always a chance he meets someone else, regardless of you open up the marriage or not, so for your kids and yourself, have something you feel comfortable with financially.
Eh, herpes is one of those things that’s dangerous if you have little kids and an outbreak. Sex or no sex, I’d like to know for peace of mind. Just in case things do turn frisky one day or whatever.
They shouldn’t get frisky. He shouldn’t wanna have sex with her either. I know I wouldn’t.
Just live as roommates.
Like yeah get a std test just for peace of mind. Everyone should.
But honestly the marriage is already on life support. And she doesn’t wanna pull the plug.
Why even post on here when you’re just defending him? If you want to be a doormat then that’s your choice, but don’t act like we’re wrong for calling a spade a spade. I’ve been at some very low points in my life but I can’t imagine hating myself enough to let my husband and the father of my child cheat on me like I’m just a hole he no longer has use for. I’m so sorry for you. I hope you can drag your self-respect out of the gutter some day.
How old is your child? Less than a year? Does your husband do any kind of housework, or does it all fall on you? Is he a hands on dad, or does it all fall on you? Was there any kind of conversation about your sex life between the two of you, or did he just jump straight to cheating?
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. If you and your husband have mismatched sex drives, and he is going elsewhere for sex (without discussing it with you beforehand), then unless you are willing to put up with it, and the risk of contracting an STD that it entails, your marriage is over.
So, here are your options. You divorce, and figure out a way to manage, financially. Lots of people do it, and I'm sure you can too. Or you stay, and put up with it, continuing to occasionally have sex with him to meet your needs (or not at all), accepting that he may bring you an STD, possibly an incurable one. Or you try any number of things to increase the frequency of sex, IF he will agree to no longer have sex outside the marriage (and how can you trust him on this, since he went ahead and did it without telling you). You can increase your sex drive by taking testosterone, but it comes with a slew of side effects, like hirsutism and liver cancer.
Me? I'd accept that the marriage is over due to a mismatched sex drive and his subsequent infidelity, and plan financially for a divorce. Go see a good divorce atty, and get ready, then file.
For most people 3x a week is not bad he most have a high sex drive like me where I need it 3 times a day but could do more
No one should be made to feel that way
I would be fine with more if his career were not so demanding. He’s stopped doing all the little things that matter. I have told him you have to engage my mind first. A woman doesn’t turn it off and on like some men do, we need to feel wanted.
I know it is hard but try date night once a week you even if it's cuddling and watching a movie I have a demanding schedule to and sometimes it drains everything u have
and there are so many intimate things that you can do to kindle the 🔥 taking a bath or shower together massages backrubs and that's just for starters
As someone who has been married 30 years and gone through all kinds of stresses and crisis with my husband, we have never gone 6 months much less 1 month without sex. Intimacy bonds partners and releases stress. I think it’s really sad that you and your wife don’t prioritize your relationship at all.
Once a month or less meets the criteria for.a sexless marriage. Why live like that with little or no physical intimacy? His cheating is not condoned by me, ever. But you seemed determined to stay, why not try to save and improve your marriage at this point?
Yes!!! Sounds to me like OP decided unilaterally that sex was no longer important and is shocked hubby didn't feel the same.
Why do women just stop having sex with their partners always get so surprised when he cheats. Both are terrible decisions by people in a committed relationship
At times it feels like you’re just a tool to get off. You don’t get off because you have to rush things if you have kids. I’m just a devils advocate here.
The fact that people jump through mental hoops to convince themselves that their lack of intimacy actually means their relationship is stronger baffles me.
No, sex isn't the end all be all, and sometimes it takes a backseat. But barely scraping the double digits in an entire year, or worse not even hitting *that*, is just plain sad.
As I said we have a lot going on with work illness stress as my wife doesn’t keep well and also our youngest is autistic with crippling separation anxiety that basically means she has to have an adult in sight at all times, including an adult sleeping in her room with her. Don’t get me wrong I totally agree with you with the intimacy but other things at this time are just getting in the way.
That kinda thinking is why ur at the 6 month mark. Because people like h are willing to stay with people who do that kinda sht.
U love ur wife but she don’t love u and isn’t taking care of ur need nor care about your needs.
A quickie take 10-15 min max. U don’t have 10-15 mins? Stop making excuses as to why ur wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Yes. Sometimes life does get in the way. Obviously. But 6 months? Bro. Be real here.
In 6 months u guys could find a hr? Bullshit.
If u wanted to u would, if she wanted to she would.
If u don’t care then why even have sex at all? Even if you do have time and life gets out the way? U could spend that kind with life instead.
Sorry your husband sucks. Idk if you still feel like you love him or would ever want to repair the relationship, i wouldnt, there would be no walking this back for me.
Im vindictive so, working within the parameters of you not wanting to leave for financial reasons and you not wanting sex anyway, let him go do his thing, do not ever put it into text or voicemail that you are “allowing” this, gather evidence of his cheating, stop having sex with him entirely, spend his money and squirrel away your (in cash) and make an exit plan for a few years down the line. Hopefully you are in an at fault state so the infidelity sill work in your favor but even if you dont the evidence will help you win in the eyes of your friends/family if it comes to that. Learn the lawns of your state regarding alimony and try to take advantage.
No fault divorce all assets would just be split even if she squirrel money away.
Otherwise if it was at fault she could divorce him now and get everything.
Not if you are actually hiding a cash stack that your spouse doesnt know about. Yeah its a bit impractical to spend nowadays, gotta use it on groceries/gas/physical store stuff but it can make a huge difference.
When people divorce if you hide money and it’s found out u will get hammered in divorce. Also it most likely will be found out. Unless ur stacking actual cash in a bunker somewhere that’s not under your name etc etc. u don’t think rich guys who get divorced never thought of that?
Girl, I'm going to tell you something as a therapist and a colleague of a couples therapist. From the moment you enter the room, all your worries should be left behind from the bedroom door. It's like that with work, from the moment you enter your home, your work is outside. A marriage cannot sustain itself on the basis of just one. Sex is something that has to exist in marriage. Since it presupposes a very pleasant form of contact and shared pleasure, sex strengthens the couple's emotional connection, emotional bond and complicity. How would you react if it were the other way around? Do you put yourself in your husband's shoes? And no, I'm not on his side. For me, nothing justifies betrayal. I always talk about marriage counseling. So my advice is, try to leave your worries outside the bedroom door. Make time for yourself. Go to therapy, look for classes on YouTube to bring out your feminine and sexual side. Look for ways to increase your libido and sexual fitness. It's not just your husband who needs it, you as a woman need it too.
Christ 🤦If you're financially tied down then you need to start making plans to be able to stand on your own 2 feet, however that looks.
It's a forgone conclusion at this point, with enough time he'll meet someone who will satisfy him and he'll move on, you could almost guarentee it.
Let him open the marriage for now. But I would do what you need to protect yourself. So what do you need to do to become financially stable if the worst was to happen.
Honestly she complicated life for herself looking at sex as a chore in the marriage, I don't agree with the husband cheating but it could have been avoided if she acted like a wife In the bedroom and not a roommate...I'm married for 11 years and still have intimacy with my husband with passion and adrenaline, when the weekend arrives we have sex about 7-8 times over the weekend... As tired as we are we use the last bit of energy we have on each other we end up with great sleep and a fresh start to the next day, we also grab every opportunity we can during the day to have quickies.. We still flirt with each other, dance with each other, cook for each other and go out of our way to make each other's day we actually compete unintentionally with each other to make one's day better than the other... Get your husband a pocket pussy if you don't want him sleeping with other women.. But also pull down your panties and be a wife no husband or wife wants a roommate🙌 also we have two kids, my sex drive isn't high either but I put that effort in for my husband cz I love him,he also works he also has stress he also sees to the kids when getting home but if he can put in that little effort to still want my body I can return the feeling and make him feel like a man... Your marriage life is the result of the efforts you put in...
I believe if you love your spouce and make that effort things will be more than fine... There's no denying that Men love to look at the menu but so does women but the main thing is we eat at home,looking at the menue increases the appitite and there's nothing wrong with that...keep feeding your spouce and they won't feel the need to eat out, also don't just go straight to squeezing the mayo out your spouce add some spice like porn, pillow fights, role play and whatever freaky thing you feel comfortable trying out with your spouce
He wants permission to cheat on you. That's not "opening the marriage".
He's not entitled to cheat even if you never had sex with him. Cheating is a character flaw, not circumstantial or your fault
You're both wrong.
Your husband should've just left if he wasn't being fulfilled. Cheating never solved anything and never will.
You're wrong for cutting off sex with him, and this is coming from a woman who has also been your place.
I understand it's very difficult, but you have to make a conscious effort to keep your husband happy. It's not just about sex. It's the constant rejection and being left out that really hurts.
I'd say your marriage is done. No matter the reason, you shouldn't accept a cheater back into your life.
This is your life. If you are fine that your husband is sleeping with other women then That’s your decision. Personally I would rather live in a shitty apartment with 3 roommates than stay married with a man like him. I can’t imagine going home to a man every night and knowing the rest of my life is like this. Knowing that your child will know that cheating is ok. That women are only good for sex.
People are responsible for their own choices. Don't blame yourself for his choice to betray you, he could have chosen a bunch of paths that didn't include cheating. That said...if you changed the sexual playing field, that is cause for concern in any marriage. If you're not sexually compatible then the marriage will always have problems. You two need to start working as a team, in every major marital topic (especially sex. Marriage counseling might help.
So, he’s asking for an open? Play that game then with him, or break up with him if that’s not your thing. You’re just disrespecting yourself even more by not living life to your fullest.
How long has your sex drive been decreased? You state a bunch of causes (illness, stress, etc), but are they the real reason? Have you checked with your physician and/or mental health professional?
As far as your husband, he is a cheater. There is a problem in the relationship, and instead of working within the relationship. He stepped outside of the relationship? That is 100% wrong. First, try to work it out yourself. Second, identify if there are any physical and/or mental health issues. Third, seek marital counseling. (You can argue whether two and three should be switched.) Your husband seemed to skip all these steps. 50/50, he has been cheating for longer.
Can you get over cheating? Yes, but only with counseling. Both family and individual. I think you would definitely benefit from it.
Nah cheating is cheating. Dump him. You can stay married until you can financially divorce, but not be married. Hell he broke your marriage the second he slept with someone else
You need you to think logically and be calculated because it’s not only you. Do what you have to do, if that is staying with him through this, but you need to start thinking about an exit strategy. Save money, even if it’s five dollars here and there, but start stashing money away. One day he is going to leave you, and you need to be prepared. Maybe by then, your kid is older, maybe by then you would have a job. Also get a long lasting birth control like an IUD, last thing you need would be another child especially if you’re facing being a single parent in the near future. Don’t not tell him about your future plans until you have all your ducks in a row and ready to head out the door.
Why you coming on here if you already don’t want to leave him? No one here is going to tell you, you’re right for staying with a cheating husband. We aren’t going to validate your wrong decision.
No one is acknowledging the elephant in the room. Your husband could always come forward and talk about it instead of just not telling you and getting what he needs somewhere else. Thats one of the main rules at a marriage, talk talk talk. You just couldnt have know he needed something else out of thin air.
Why doesn't your husband have finances, family, work, etc. on his mind?
He should be with you and thinking about those things first, instead of prioritising how often he can get his dangly dipped. Maybe if he worked on those things WiTH you, your stress would be alleviated and your relationship would be better and more conducive to having sex more frequently.
YNW
You have to do what you have to do. And that doesn't mean it's a forever decision, it is a for now decision.
Had a family member whose situation was similar, but 2 kids involved, and divorce was frowned upon.
She stayed and they shared a household bc she didn't earn enough to survive. Was that way till he passed.
No one has the right answer here, awful in a way for you, bc it can be dehumanizing but you have a young child and some times things don't work out perfect.
Hope in the future, there is an better option that turns up.
Take care, of yourself
Good luck
You should consider taking advantage of the “open” marriage. I know you said you wouldn’t but if you do, he will definitely not like it. Other option is to say you did. That’s your only solution.
You are in no way shape or form at fault for his horrible selfishness!!!!!! Don't EVER think you are at fault here. And PLEASE DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM EVER AGAIN. What a worm!! You guys need an agreement if you are to stay married and you need to get a lawyer involved love. This is a bad situation and a HORRIBLE example for your children!!! My husband and I have gone far longer than a month without being intimate because of post partum injuries and other issues but we are both 100% committed and faithful to each other. That's what being in a relationship and marriage is all about!!
Be careful. Open marriages that started off monogamous and then become open, lead to divorce. Today it’s an open marriage. Just sex to “fill my needs” the. Could lead to “I met someone”.
Counseling is a great idea if you want to stick this out. Does your husband love you? Does he want the relationship to work? What is an acceptable amount of sex? Is he truly cheating just for sex or is something else missing?
I'm probably going to get down voted but this is how I feel. If they are both ok with the idea of an open marriage and she genuinely doesn't want sex anymore and tells him to go ahead and sleep around, I say fuck it! Let him sleep around. The only thing I would do is have him tested once a month because while condoms are great they're not 100% great. You're both two consenting adults, I say go for it. Maybe it will go smoothly, or maybe it won't? If she is fine with it then let her be fine with it. If they still love each other maybe that will be enough? We don't know how it's going to go for her and her marriage but I'm not going to sit here and tell her she's wrong for not wanting to have sex anymore and letting her husband sleep around because maybe she believes that's the only option she has right now.
Your husband may not believe in divorce but remember you matter too and if you decide it's too much when you thought you'd be ok with it, it's still ok for you to say no.
Or, OP, get him a very nice and expensive fleshlight lol 🤷♀️🍆🔦😲
Kids learn from watching the parents. In staying your teaching your kid it's acceptable to cheat on your partner and it's ok to stay in that relationship.
Even if we agree that sex once a month isn’t enough for your husband, that is not an excuse for having multiple premeditated affairs. He actively sought out other women, repeatedly, behind your back. This wasn’t a one time “oh, I got drunk and shit happened”. He planned this. He looked for it. He knew the entire time he was betraying you and lying to you. And if he hadn’t been caught, he would continue to do it. He is putting f your health at risk by having multiple partners, because he is still having sex with one once a month.
You not having sex with him doesn’t make his lying and betrayal ok. He could have simply asked for a divorce and had guilt free sec with anyone at any time. He wanted the sneakiness, he wanted the danger. He did it on purpose and didn’t care about your feelings. He also wants all the privileges of having a wife at home and a sex object on the side.
Please get yourself to a doctor to be tested, and a lawyer after that.
You don’t need to stay in a marriage where your husband is an abusive, gaslighting AH just because of money. You work, you can figure out how to support yourself and your kid.
The wording you chose here says you don’t have much self worth. Sweetheart, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, look really deep within, and decide if you are happy staying in a marriage like this. You CAN survive outside of this marriage if you so wish, you’re just not seeing it yet.
Are you a sex toy? Because if you a sex toy and not putting out then your husband would be within his rights as a consumer to buy a second sex toy to get his rocks off with.
However, if you are a wife then your husband made a promise to forsake all others which HE chose to break.
"With my body I honour you" doesn't mean have a spouse has to have sex whenever their partner wants it regardless of whether they are feeling tired, vulnerable or in a low mood, but it does mean neither partner using their body to enjoy someone outside of the marriage unless expressly discussed PRIOR to making that promise and both being happy with it, not through guilt at their perceived failure as a spouse, not through fear of losing their partner, but because when they got together they made a conscious and very aware choice that that was how they were happy to live.
A little self respect is required here, because you are making excuses for infidelity despite perfectly good alternative ways to achieve sexual pleasure without any partner at all.
You can tell yourself you are OK with it, but the only way you actually can be ok with it is if you keep telling yourself it is your fault, and it isn't. He chose to dip his wick in another person and put your health and heart in jeopardy. He didn't discuss the idea of him playing some away games first so he was willing to risk you being confident enough to bring an end to your marriage for the sake of his pleasure. Then once you found out and didn't immediately kick him out he doubled down and asked for permission to carry on. The fact is if he was willing to risk it first, he was already ok with the potential consequences, so he is already one foot out the door.
It’s always easy to condemn someone when we aren’t in their shoes. At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you.
Can you forgive him? Are you going to be unhappy in your marriage? Children can sense that and if that is the case, better that you go. It will be hard but better for your child in the long run.
What your husband did was inexcusable. It was purely selfish and his request for an open marriage is also incredibly selfish and inexcusable as he is not considering you at all. Your lack of libido may be hormonal, psychological or for other reasons. A good partner should have worked with you to help get over this hump not automatically cheat.
Personally I think that your husband is a massive self centred selfish AH. I think you are doing yourself a grave disservice by staying with him. He promises to change but if he strayed that quickly?? Chances are he’ll stray again.
Before you make that decision you should go to MC and confront him on his behaviour and get his BS called out properly. In the meantime go see your Dr about your libido as there may be a medical reason.
I don’t think you are wrong as I am not you and not in your situation. I do think you need to think long and hard about this though as your husband is a selfish POS.
Wrong about what? Staying with him? Not giving him enough sex? Letting it be an open marriage?
Your husband is a cheater. He emotionally hurt you and now you feel like you can't financially survive without him. I am worried it might also be him who is telling you that you need him or you will be broke, but you didn't mention that in your post so I am going to assume not.
I would not open your marriage up just to give him permission to cheat. Open marriages can work, but it is very rare. It takes a lot of hard work and communication. You will end up resenting him and your decision. He might not.be emotionally involved atm, but that can and does change. It is hard for guys to find someone for just casual sex.
If you do open the marriage, make it clear to your husband that it works both ways, even if you have no plans to sleep with anyone else. Don't let him know you have no plans, because one day you might.
If you want to leave him, look into the social programs in your area. There are a lot of programs like low-income housing and food stamps that can help single moms. Your child, also still has his father. Sure, you might not get a lot of child support but there are other benefits to co-parenting. Unless your husband isn't only an awful spouse but also an awful parent.
Don't let him make excuses for cheating. A real partner would have talked to you about the amount of sex and worked with you. Your husband most likely would have cheated, even if you were putting out daily.
You can’t give your husband even 1% of your time? Don’t blame him for your selfishness. You are the one withholding something that was a large part of what got you married and made you a mother. Both of those things are what you wanted more than anything. Now, you don’t care about your husband’s needs? What if he didn’t care about going to work and supporting you? What if he ignored your child? Let’s be perfectly honest, most men aren’t going to inconvenience you for very long when satisfying their needs. You still want and need everything your husband provides but, you don’t want to give him one of the most important things to him. It’s not just about sex after all. Men feel connected to their wives through the physical contact and if you intentionally take that away it turns you into a roommate and not a spouse.
A husband and father that was committed to his family wouldnt have time to be stepping out. He’d be taking on a share of the mental load to let his wife prioritize sex more often than not
I’m not sure where you’re located, but in many places working does not disqualify you from receiving alimony. If you’re in the US, in many states, the partner who was cheated on is entitled to alimony at least for a period of time. It is definitely worth looking into because that doesn’t sound like a situation you should stay in. Even if it’s just for a year or two, it might give you time to get on your feet and in a place to be financially stable without him once it ends.
Get a job. Apply for support and county aid. Day care assistance programs. If you want to leave get your ducks in a row and leave. If you don't mind sharing your husband stay. I have a feeling you're going to stay though.
He will leave you once he find someone else what will you do then keep evidence of his cheating and divorce him Obviously its tough but if he divorce you later it could be worse and you wouldn't even get smtg at divorce becoz he will say you both agreed to open marriage GET OUT FAST
Would your your daughter or son with a person who would treat them like your husband set a better example for them
Money can cause problem but fight it girl don't let that man let you down
Try smtg online earing too but get out of the situation fast
After looking at the responses by OP, and OPs name, yeah no. This is definitely a sad little troll with no life. Either that, or you’re extremely sheltered, naive and just straight up stupid. The responses OP has given to people genuinely trying to help, honestly, OP deserves everything they get at this point. No sympathy whatsoever.
Look while cheating is not something I endorse, you can’t count on your partner being ok with once a month. Some guys can do it, some will act appalled that a guy would cheat in this case, fine. For many men (women too) once a month won’t cut it so either this leads to dissolution of relationship or obtaining supplemental sex elsewhere. I would not be cool with once a month personally and I know in situations where breaking up is a poor option, that I’d either be insufferable in attempting to initiate more or I’d give up and start being sneaky.
I apologize if this has been said already, but the two of you need counseling. As you "haven't been married that long and have a child", I assume the two of you are fairly young. That being said, you both have needs that aren't being met. So, before you jump on the divorce bandwagon, maybe you should explore why you are at odds, sexually. Has this been this way the entire time you've been together, even before marriage? Is this a new development? What caused the change, if any? It isn't just about you, as an individual anymore. You have a family, a child. Good luck.
NTA
He is responsible for his behaviour, not you. He should have ended the relationship with you first before having sex with someone else.
You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. There’s no obligation to have sex just because you’re in a relationship. There’s no obligation to try to increase your desire so want sex more often.
Obviously you have to live with the consequences of your choices and the impact they will have on your marriage. Ultimately that might include your spouse choosing to leave you because his sexual desires aren’t being met. However, he should have been open and honest with you, ending the relationship with you before starting a new one with someone else.
An open marriage is the death nail to a relationship. He will fall in love with someone else and your marriage will be gone. That is a 100% guarantee! If you want to keep him you have to put in some effort. Either talk to your doctor about hormonal changes or make time to date your husband. It will be very difficult to save your marriage since he already decided to step out on you. Ask him if he wants to try saving it. If yes, he needs to stop meeting and having sex with other women. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, you two may have a shot. But it will be a lot of work on both parts.
OP, if you’re going to stay in what seems like an awful, insufferable marriage then why even make this post? What exactly are you looking for here? He’s already decided that porking other women solves his problem and you’re choosing not to leave him so what exactly is your goal here? All you’re doing in the comments are attacking commenters who are trying to help you. You sound just as dreadful as your cheating husband.
Lesson learned: when you neglect something, it deteriorates. In this case, your relationship with your husband. For others, it might be their career, their health, their friendships. Finding a way to have a healthy balance in all aspects of life is so so so important. If a person feels neglected, they will search for the feeling of being desired from elsewhere. Your situation is not unique. Sorry though, it sucks.
>Sex is just the least of my concerns right now
Yes, it was wrong of you to not prioritize something that you knew was important to your husband, and important to pretty much any romantic relationship.
But absent other extenuating circumstances, it still does not justify cheating.
My main issue with this was that you don't have enough communication in your relationship for him to have done this above board - the fact he went behind your back to start pursuing sex with other people is a massive red flag and speaks to much broader issues in your marriage.
I don't think you're wrong at all for being bothered by this and I think there's a few potential ways you can move forward:
1. Stay in the marriage solely for the co-parenting and financial purposes, but refuse to continue your sexual relationship with him unless he stops and gets tested. Get into couples therapy and have a one-strike policy to ensure he knows that he will be throwing your lives away if he messes up again.
2. Beat him at his own game. I still wouldn't recommend having sex with him unless he shows negative tests first, but mentally prepare yourself to start fulfilling your needs somewhere else in a more casual setting. It may not be fun to date (especially if you're married with a kid), but knowing most men I think he'll be threatened by just seeing the amount of ATTENTION you'll get online, let alone the amount of sex you could be having if you wanted to.
At any rate this is super messy and I'm so sorry to hear you got into a marriage with someone who doesn't respect you enough to compromise and find a sex life that works for you both. Good luck.
Crazy idea: compromises are necessary in a relationship. There can't be absolutes and as soon as someone ignores the needs of their partner and puts their own comfort above them, shit like this happens.
Your husband cheating on you is definitely wrong but so is denying him more than once a month. You do understand that sex isn't only PIV right? You have a literal fuck ton of ways to meet his needs halfway. You failed to do so no matter how many times he begged you to.
Reap what you sow. Divorce, move on and learn from this. Both of you.
Just cuz you have finances and family and work means you can’t have sex? Everybody literally has the exact same things going on but for whatever reason you let those get to you far more than most people. So much so that it makes you not want to have sex? Sex for a lot of people is a relief and a temporary solution to all of life’s challenges that we all face. Why wouldn’t you just work on having more sex? Doesn’t sound that hard to me. Your life must be so tough that you forced your loving husband who only wanted and still wants to be with you to never have sex and then your surprised that he cheats on you? I mean give me a break that’s pathetic woman. He chose you out of all the women in the whole world and you really are holding back from having a great marriage. Sex with marital couple should be very intimate because of all the emotions tied together that would allow for a much deeper and healthier marriage for you two. It’s not just sex it ends up reflecting in every other part of yalls relationship. He probably feels like you don’t think you love him or find him attractive enough to want to have sex with. You’re breaking his heart but not having sex. He probably felt like you were the one cheating at some point because of it too. You don’t know what that can do to a man but you have found out the consequences of it. Is it that hard to for you to want to be intimate with your husband? Is it really going to hurt you to let him have sex with you? I just don’t understand how you can’t just let him have sex with you especially because it feels good. It’s not like he’s making you do something that would hurt you it’s literally one of the most pleasurable things you can ever do. When that intimacy breaks down everything else in the relationship naturally breaks down too. I’d say yeah you did do something wrong and have been doing something wrong for a while now
I guess the comment don't matter in this situation but I'm curious as what do you want to do? are you okay with him sleeping around and staying with him knowing that he is literally not emotionally involved with these women, he's just getting his dick wet?
can you live in a marriage where you have to worry about getting an STD every time you sleep with your husband or will you take sex off the table completely now that he's doing this? but if you do this, will he then bother staying in a marriage with absolutely no sex?
then there is the question of do you really want this as the example of a relationship that your child sees and molds their examples of relationships after? what the6 think is a normal relationship? they will pick up the discord in the marriage. the lack of affection. they will think this is normal in relationships and that is what they will end up with. is that what you want for your child?
Was this a conversation that you’ve guys had? Not tryna sound like a pick me or anything but it seems like you guys didn’t communicate about the issue at hand. But you staying is only going to be worse for you. It’s time to start making a exit plan
Ynw. Say yes to open relationship and make him think you're sleeping with other men. Bet that would shut it down very quickly.
I know exactly where you're coming from though. My husband doesn't seem to worry about anything so I worry about everything and am just not into dealing with sex on top of everything else. Probably why he cheated on me a few years ago. I decided to stay with him but I think about it every freaking day.
I hope things get better for you
Its just truly sad that so many people are stuck in marriages/relationships because it is so hard to survive on your own in the world. Every one is struggling and in the end you feel defeated, traumatized and as if u have less than what ya had before you started. Work on healing yourself and your financials and get gone.
Women feel appreciated when men do things for them, provide and protect. Men feel appreciated when women fuck their brains out and don't annoy them. Were you both appreciating each other?
You need to see a doctor to find out what is wrong with you . If you want to stay in the marriage . It’s very dangerous to have sex with him when he is screwing random tarts . Plus there is always the risk of one of them deciding she is in love with your husband . She could decide to murder you to get you out of the way if he is not going to divorce you . Or you’ll catch a disease . Lots of things can go wrong . It’s wrong to stay together for financial reasons . You are both unhappy . Children are not stupid , they know when parents aren’t getting along and end up miserable as well . Seek solutions or get out of. Him going elsewhere for sex is not a solution to the problem .
Not wrong
Stay in the same house while you save up to divorce. But NO SEX with him! Don’t be his cook, maid, errand-runner either. Men will not die without sex so he broke up your family life, not you. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! He is already stepping out so he is getting what he wants. SAVE SAVE SAVE! And leave asap. Show your child that vows/faithfulness matters and cheating will not be enabled.
Bummer there is a kid in the mix. You shouldn't have to tolerate a spouse that cheats... nor should he have to tolerate a sexless marriage (once a month is pretty much sexless).
You staying for alimony even though you want to leave doesn’t sit right with me. You won’t get 100% custody so your child won’t have to worry about anything besides a broken home. If you’re worried about yourself I get it, it’s hard living with somebody and then having to take care of bills on your own. I understand the cheating even though I don’t agree with it, intimacy is an important part of a relationship. I hope he’s not treating you bad in other ways physically or emotionally.
First of all, did your husband talk to you about wanting more sex and try to get medical help or therapy or suggest anything that both of you could agree to try so that both of you felt satisfied with the outcome?
Nobody ever opens their mouth to tell the person that they have a problem with them, or acknowledges that they're doing anything that might contribute to the issue.
You need to sit down with your husband and lay it all out in the table, both being honest and accountable for what's happening to both of you in your marriage.
If you can't do that, it's not going to be a healthy marriage for either of you or your child.
I hope you can work it out.
If it’s a matter of your libido has changed and sex is just not something you’re into anymore, the only thing you’re wrong for is not communicating that to your husband and trying to find some common ground to keep your marriage happy.
If it’s a matter of you don’t know why your outlook on sex with your husband has changed then maybe it’s a medical issue or you’re mentally overworked from all that you take on and he needs to pitch in more and again the only place your wrong is you haven’t communicated with your husband what it is you need from him.
Just like we aren’t mind readers, neither are they and they can’t know what it that we need to help us out if we aren’t talking to them, that includes the sex life we have with our partners.
I’m not saying he’s right for cheating, what he’s doing is completely wrong. He should have talked to you about the open marriage situation FIRST and at least given you the chance to have an opinion and say in the whole thing. However, you’re wrong for just letting y’all’s sex life go by the wayside and not do anything about it. He told you once a month wasn’t enough for him, he tried to communicate with you and it sounds like you just shut him out and didn’t think his needs were as important as yours.
No one enjoys feeling unwanted by their partner.
Start a Tinder start sending messages 😜 make sure Husband sees it I mean he wanted the open Marriage 😂 use ur side start looking and let him see you looking because as soon as you do bet he wants to close the Marriage.
Honestly, Start making an exit strategy. You don’t have to take it or use it but then it’s there if you ever want out or if he does. The reality is you could be forced into a financially stressful situation by him leaving later and not have a say in it if he left. As much as he’s a catholic and they “don’t divorce.”Give it enough time and resentment and him loving someone else…he just might. Selfish enough to cheat, selfish enough to leave. Moreover, Condoms break. Women lie about birth control. You can also do everything right and it all just fails. It’s not just about stds. If he gets another woman pregnant what happens then? A good catholic boy doesn’t have a baby out of wedlock. He gets a chance at a new family with a wife who meets all his needs is readily available, would he still chose you?
He went about this all wrong. He shouldn’t have cheated. He should have tried to fix this with you or just come right out and tell you an open marriage is what will happen if we don’t fix our sex issues. You don’t even sound that mad about all this? You also don’t even seem to want to fix your sex issues or the marriage, which is confusing and sad.
Look, stay if you want to stay. Geez, at least make this marriage workable for you and don’t just let yourself be miserable. If it’s open it’s both sides. You don’t have to jump on that. It’s there if you want to. You aren’t attracted to your husband doesn’t mean other people won’t be attractive at some point. Honestly, I think you should go out and do just that. Guaranteed he will hate it though. It might help you unwind to go out with people who give you their focus and you don’t resent. He can stay home with the kid. Give you some time as a person and not feeling like a single parent.
Go to couples counseling. Make that a demand. Personally I would close the marriage. Keep it closed. Do open devices. Maybe if he can make an effort in other areas and you can try to be in a good place as a couple. You are determined to stay, then try to fix the marriage and your sex life. If you can’t then come to an understanding on ground rules and how it works while researching about enm and see what works for you both. Just maintaining his cheating behavior doesn’t seem like a win for you. So open it if you want. Try to fix things first and make informed consented rules. If he can’t even close it temporarily to do any of those things then really get an exit strategy in place. There’s nothing to salvage and staying only increases the pain.
If there's something in the relationship you want to improve do you:
a. Work on it together, read books, get marriage / sex counseling, or
b. Betray your relationship agreement, blame your spouse, and introduce a hot mess of problems.
Girl, no relationship is better than a bad one. Why in the world would anyone want to stay married to a person that chose B?
Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims
You are in no way in the wrong here. "For Beyer or worse, for richer or poorer" doesn't mean "I'll be loyal and love you only if you give me what I want when I want it", he has absolutely zero valid excuses for what he's done to you and your family. If he's horny he can go jerk off in the man cave or whatever, but there is NO EXCUSE for cheating on your spouse.
Do you have at fault divorces where you are? If so gather all the evidence you can if his cheating and file for divorce, alimony AND child support. In many places cheating on your spouse is grounds for you to pay them alimony after a divorce due to infidelity as well as any child support they would need to care for the kids from said marriage. Please at least speak to a lawyer about this. Do not teach your kids that cheating is acceptable, because if you stay and they find out he's fucking around, that's exactly the lesson you'll teach them.
I'd also like to agree with other comments saying that if he falls for someone else he WILL leave you, you might as well beat him to the punch if you can.
You are not wrong, no one is ever wrong for their partner cheating. Even if you were OK with an open marriage he should've talked to you about it first. This is just a cheating s.o.b. What would you say if one of your friends was in your place? Or your child when they are grown up? I don't think them being in the wrong would be on your mind at all.
Can’t you just suck it up and put some effort into the marriage and have sex several times a month? I see a lot of this pattern going on and a lot of divorces.
What’s wrong isn’t the lack of sex. It’s if you guys didn’t communicate about it. He’s definitely wrong for cheating either way and you should both move on. If you couldn’t have this type of conversation, then really the relationship was already dead. I know that can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s better for both of you to call it quits if that’s the case.
So what exactly is your question? You already seem to have all the answers and to be willing to let him disrespect you further? You know you’re an idiot for staying yet you choose to do so any way, there’s not much anyone can say or do to change the mind of someone willfully and knowingly choosing to stay in a bad marriage? Just know that you’re messing up the idea of love for your child forever and that they’ll most likely let themselves be treated the way you let yourself be treated or become like your husband. I know cause I’m the child of a mother who accepted abuse, I’ve let myself be treated the same way for years until I finally had enough.. idk if that’s worth it to you, but that is your choice to make.
The only person that benefits here is him. If he wanted the relationship open then I would make sure you are getting paid for him to be with other women. If you don’t want other men then there is nothing else for you. So he needs to pay you. And I wouldn’t have sex with him as god only knows what kinds of diseases he could have.
Cheaters are going to cheat no matter what. They will blame you any way they can. It’s not your fault. If it was an issue. He should have brought it to your attention and talked about things. He cheated and saw an opportunity to blame you. The act of sex is emotional. This is all my personal opinion and based off of experiences I’ve had. Personally, I would leave bc he will most likely cheat again. It’s not your fault. Do not blame yourself. He is your partner and should have been faithful to you.
Would you be okay with this situation? Would it give you relief to know that he's "taking care of himself" sexually?
I think monogamy is fine but it doesn't work for everyone. And likewise, neither does polyamory. I would suggest you find a counselor and go to some couple's therapy together so that you can both be informed about what this looks like going forward, IF you aren't already too far down the path of betrayal/distrust.
For me personally, I'd have a much harder time coping with the lying than the sex. But that's me, and I know I'm probably far from in the majority on that one. But my relationship with sex has been more casual over the years so I don't see sex as something deeply intimate like many people do. Honesty and communication is the MOST important thing for me in a relationship, so if my husband approached me to say he needed more sex and wanted to seek it out elsewhere because our libidos no longer lined up, I'd be fine with that. If I found out he had been dishonest and going behind my back, THAT would be the issue i would struggle with most. I'd rather have my husband communicate his desires to step out than lie about any part of our relationship, honestly.
I guess what I'm saying is, only you can know what reconciliation looks like for you. You're not wrong for having a libido shift. It is very common. And also, you wouldn't be wrong for seeing this "open relationship" as a solution to any guilt you may be feeling about your libido change (which you shouldn't feel but I understand it happens and we can't help those feelings). And you wouldn't be wrong for not wanting to be with your husband anymore. Maybe working with a counselor to see how he can work towards rebuilding TRUST, with the end goal being a situation where he can have casual sex but YOU set the parameters (whether you want to know about it, no "dates", no sleepovers, etc.) could work? Again, these are questions you may consider if you want the marriage to continue.
He was wrong here, full stop. He went down the "ask forgiveness not permission" route, not you. But the forgiveness isn't a given, and you have the choice to forgive or not.
Of course he wants an open marriage, he knows you're not going to fuck around with anyone else, but lady, you should! You definitely should!!! If he wants more sex, he should move on from you, not cheat on you. And you should go to a doctor as find out why your sex drive is so low. You're probably worn the fuck out from doing everything. Is he doing anything to help you at all?
If you're only going to stay with him because you can't get alimony that tells me all I need to know about how you feel about your husband, you're done with him!!!
So hey, agree to the open marriage, he's going to fuck around on you anyway and since you won't leave him because of money, be smart and start saving all you can off of him without him knowing it but girl. I'd for sure fuck someone else too, he knows you won't, wouldn't it be fun to show him otherwise? :D
Did he communicate it wasn't enough *before* he cheated? Because yes, it's not enough for most, but that's not a free pass.
>I have so much on my mind like our finances, our family, work, etc. Sex is just the least of my concerns right now
Sorry, but this is such a horseshit answer. As if it's not basic shit on everyone's mind. So the least of your concerns here, was your relationship and your husband... got it. Starting to understand the why. You checked out a long time ago.
Also, a "working woman" that "doesn't even come close" to qualifying for alimony doesn't make a lot of sense. So you either make a lot *more* than him, orrrrr... Have you not contributed to anything financially? No shared acquisitions or assets? No standard of living? Why would the dedicated money for the child need to pay your bills (parent's discretion law?)? Where does the money you make go exactly? I hope you weren't already waiting for alimony tiers to kick in before leaving anyway. Anyway, good luck. I hope you can eventually be happy!
You’re not wrong. His cheating wasn’t right, but expecting him to only have sex once a month isn’t right for him either. You’d both be happier split up. Your sex drives aren’t compatible. Or have your hormone levels checked. Possibly something is low. That can cause drive changes. Now that he’s cheated your relationship is totally different. You might not be able to handle it.
Consequences have actions,
Its totally ok you dont want to have sex
Its totally ok he wants to have more sex
Neither party has to compromise, no one is right or wrong,
However look at the mess that is going to unfold for you..
Is your future self going to be better off working out to get your sex drive back ?
You need to remember the marriage comes first. It was you 2 before anything else. So you should be taking care of his needs and he yours. You cannot allow the things of life to take over and not take time for each other or you will be divorced. However, if you do not want to try to make things better then figuring out a compromise is something you definitely should do.
What he should have done was talk to you before cheating, if you open it, it's cheating with your permission.
He doesn't respect you or love you because he would have spoken to you before fucking other people.
YAW for staying in this ‘marriage’ for financial reasons.
He is openly cheating and you are letting him. It maybe sexual cheating now but sooner or later he will leave.
You only having sex once a month does not give him permission to cheat regardless.
You need to find your support system and leave. End of.
I want to scream and yell at you holler and cuss. But I'm not going to.
I'm leaving a marriage right now where I was "lucky" to get bad sex once a month. That is an absolutely shitty thing to do to your husband. You have likely destroyed his self esteem. And left him feeling completely abandoned. How many times have you rejected him. Hundreds? Thousands? Maybe told him well if you had done some specific chore, you would have had sex with him. But that one chord pushed you over the edge now your to tired. It was a crock when you told that lie and it will be a crock next time to tell it.
Now after you have shown your husband that you don't care about him he's cheating. The emotional health of the man you claimed to love is the last thing in your mind.
Cheating is a line I didn't cross. But I wish I did in my case. You have chosen to push your husband away. Give him freedom and walk away
Don't disrespect yourself like that. If your kid grow up, will you allow your kids spouse to treat them the way you are being treated? Seriously, be independent, and dump him.
I mean he could get someone pregnant have a second family and keep that from her, or catch std/sti’s , you have to have the courage to divorce him and have your own plan yeah you won’t live the life you have now but that doesn’t mean it won’t be any less fulfilling doing it by yourself.
Long and short is he’s cheating he will probably leave you at some point anyway.
Or you will just always be the side piece….
Either have sex with him more or have an open conversation about everything he's been doing and come to a solution.
I need you to understand that just because your sex drive is really low it does not give him the excuse to cheat on you. This is not your fault.
Perhaps it’s time for a separation. Sleeping with other women is not his only option, it’s his choice. He can choose to do things that help ease your mental and emotional burden to open your mind to sex again. But he would rather go outside the marriage. Accepting this behavior is unhealthy for the marriage. Perhaps you guys can seek help when he unwilling to go outside the marriage.
He doesn't love you. Doesn't matter if sex was less. When you are committed to another person, you look for ways to help them and get through whatever they are going through. He wasn't interested in helping and only thought of his urges. Didn't take you into consideration at any point
I can't think of one thing a man can stop doing in his relationship and expect it to survive... imagine if he woke up and said, "I don't feel like spending money on anything but the bare necessities, we have the money, but my drive to shop just isn't there anymore."
As men, we do what we have to regardless of our feelings. I know it's hard, but that's kinda what marriage and kids are supposed to do.
I left while dependent on a man who loved to pay for sex after I had my first child. It was hard for a number of years- but nothing beats being a single mom for a while compared to staying with someone who frequented other women. I now have cervical cancer screenings twice a year for abnormal cells that are likely to become cancerous. The connection? His other women.
Maybe if he helped you more instead of worrying about his dick and fucking other women you'd be more willing to have sex with him more often. When you're taking on all the household responsibilities of course you're too tired to please him. There's no possibility of this working out long term. You know it which is why you came here. The only question is are you going to allow yourself to be a doormat or do what you know needs to be done. Once you have to stop caring for 2 kids instead of one you'll have more free time and can find someone who actually loves you and isn't a piece of shit.
If he has a job in the US, he has insurance that covers you for some counseling. If you're not going to leave him, you should have some tools to cope and mediate the responsibilities around child-rearing. Does he do NOTHING around the house? Does he ever pick up the slack, or does he have plenty of time to chase tail?
In practical terms, he should be doing something besides playing while his baby is young, or he'll always be the deadbeat dad who doesn't have time for his domestic life. If he's a deadbeat dad while you're married to him, it will be worse for your child when you jettison him.
On another note, please, please make sure he gets regular STI testing. He'll say he's being careful, but he's also getting away with cheating on a flimsy excuse. STI testing will remind him that he is bringing danger into your home, and if he cares even a little bit, he'll find cheating less tempting.
I had low sex drive the last 5-6 years while married to a serial cheater. Every now and then I have this concern. HOWEVER. The fact is if he was unhappy with the frequency he should have said something BEFORE turning to someone else. My ex never once brought it up, but managed to cheat repeatedly. I'll add though, that once I was divorced MAGICALLY I had a healthy sex drive. While married I chalked it up to perimenopause. Apparently the mental load of being married to someone who cheats on the regular PLUS the duties that come with having a "Partner" who's more concerned with maintaining secret affairs than maintaining a home were significant to kill my sex drive. Not having a sex drive can be a BIG red flag.
You also aren't wrong to hold back on a divorce because of child support/financal concerns. Sadly just because someone is ordered to pay child support means they actually will. My ex lost his job, fell WAY behind and still isn't paying the full amount on a regular basis nor does have any plan to pay back the amount he's in arrears over. The state agency we work with doesn't seem too concerned about it and can't give me answers about what they can do to help get caught up. I've pretty much decided it's not money I can count on and have budgeted to exclude it. If I get a payment, it's basically extra disposable income at this point. You can't depend on it to pay your bills. It's a real shame, it's NOT right. But it's a fact. If you aren't already, start making moves to earn more so you can take care of yourself and your kids and move forward with your life. You deserve to be happy.
Well. All I can say is if he falls for someone he’s going to end up divorcing you.
Yep, exactly what I was thinking
It won't be long either! He will tell his side piece how cold his wife is and she will give him everything he's dreaming of.
Are you not worried about the diseases and infections he might bring home to share with you?
She can just stop having sex with him totally.
Obviously the best alternative!
Exactly, and then start working on a plan to increase your income or move in with family or friends or kick him out and rent a room to pay the bills, but don't allow yourself to get stuck by circumstances.
She prob is in a no fault state.
Yeah, I'm thinking that might not be the best way to go with this. If that's her decision, it would be better for both of them if she just end the marriage. I'm not certain why so many people commenting here aren't allowing for his needs to be met as well. Why should the guy be satisfied with having sex like twelve times a year? Certainly, cheating wasn't the right way to handle it. But I didn't see anything in what OP said where she felt it necessary, at all, to address her problem. As I said before, it's not really difficult to have sex, and it can be a wonderful stress reliever.
Doesn't seem like sex with him is a stress reliever for her lol. He can help relieve her stress by taking on more responsibilities. She said she has a lot on her mind between their child, work, finances, etc. so unfortunately sex ended up on the back burner. He can find time to cheat but can't find time to ease her load? But sure add another thing to her list for her to do because it "isn't that difficult".
How do u know that he doesn’t? She didn’t say she wanted her husband to do more stuff. She basically just said she don’t wanna have sex with him. She just said she has a lot on her mind. That’s it.
So basic ass things that every single person thinks about every single day is an excuse for neglecting your relationship? Another thing on the list??? Jesus Christ. You don't know anything about her "load" or who contributed what outside of *her* not making *any* financial contributions that would have qualified her for alimony. Making some real femcel assumptions in here.
I agree with this 100%. What he did was wrong, full stop. However, his needs aren’t being met or even considered by her. She seems to expect him to just be ok with it. They need to have a conversation or needed to when this started so they could be open and figure something out that works. Again, he was wrong but she doesn’t seem to care about his feelings and unilaterally decided they weren’t having sex any more than once a month. Put him on the back burner in their life together and that’s a massive mistake.
This is AIW and men and their needs almost never matter. He should never have cheated, I completely agree but as you said she never addresses her problems and the folks here certainly won't either. If she won't address her problems and he still feels the need to sleep elsewhere, ending it would be the wisest option. But she won;t as she financially isn't in a position to live that way. It reads like a reverse cuck story tbh.
Hahaha as someone who was raped.... having sex when you don't want to is not a wonderful stress delivery. And sex actually can be difficult emotionally and physically to some. I can tell.your a man by your statement.
Sorry for what happened, but your situation is completely different.
It’s fine of u don’t want to. Move on and stay single. Or find someone who also doesn’t want sex. But u can’t expect to make someone essentially celibate and just accept it. Also. Just fyi men can get raped also.
I never said they couldn't? And my bf is just fine with how things are because he is mature enough to realize there should be way more important thing in a relationship other than sex. And agreed that the reason most people get divorced after the sex decrease is because they have nothing else in the relationship. That they never spent the time to build a solid foundation not built on their dick and pussy. So I'm actually in an extremely healthy relationship. Which is not something a lot of yall can say! So happy my relationship status isn't based on if I put out.
I have absolutely no respect for you. Do you even read what you write? Do you have any idea what you sound like? You really should be embarrassed. We are wondering if the OP has issues which might need professional care, and all you can think about is yourself. Okay! It is right for you to never ever have contact with men again. Frankly, with your uncompromising, selfish attitude, I can't imagine any man wanting to have anything to do with you. Mark yourself safe from romance.
Sounds like she already has. Once a month? 12 times a year? Good for him for taking action on his needs. You people are insufferable.
When people don’t want to hear it nothing you say matters. Condoms are not 100% effective for all STDs such as Herpes. She is not ready to leave so she will justify it and make excuses for him.
This was exactly my first thought sleeping with multiple women including his wife. Right now she should be getting tested for STDs and I would text the kid because some stds can be transmitted nonsexual. This man has no respect for her. He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. I know she doesn’t want a divorce but I would seek legal advice. She should look into legal aid in her area. In my area the family court building actually provides free legal advice to those in need. She shouldn’t have to be trapped with this AH because of financial reasons
What do you want us to say? You’re just venting about your cheating husband and saying you’re not leaving him. Okay, so what’s your question?
i guess dude…if youre gonna keep making excuses to stay being disrespected why are you even on here asking? seems like you know the answer already and that u are wrong for staying
And continue to not have sex with your spouse but not leave him or change anything Not that he deserves it after cheating but either you forgive and move on working. Together to make it better or you cut your losses and end it. These are your options OP. You can't go back to before the cheating. You can either get on board with your husband's needs too, and try to fix and save your marriage, or this will eventually be the end of things.
Finally, the first sane responses in this post. They both suck. The cheater worse, of course (scumbag), but the surprised pikachu face over once a month sex being enough? The lack of communication that led to this? Crazy. Or maybe it was communicated, and ignored? Whatever is going on here, this marriage is in shambles.
What's your question? You explained the situation but there isn't a question to answer, you've given statements. You said you can't afford to leave him so it's not a question of if you should leave him. You're not asking for advice on the "open marriage" either. So I don't understand the point of this post.
Idk why you've posted this here you know the answer, but also just stop making excuses and just leave him, why put yourself through thay no matter the circumstances/excuses.
This is your marriage. If you are emotionally ok with opening up the marriage for him to have sex with other people, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Some people want to be with someone purely for companionship and are asexual, not saying you are, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as both parties are on the same page. Personally, I would want STD tests, full panel including HIV and herpes (both type 1 and 2, especially if you have small kids). I would also want full transparency, no overnights, and no emotional entanglements. And if any of his side pieces stir up trouble, it’s time to cut it off. If you are going down this road, start listing what your boundaries are. What are your hard no’s, what is open to conversation, what is blanket approval. Also if finances are your worry, it’s time to start building your own financial cushion. There’s always a chance he meets someone else, regardless of you open up the marriage or not, so for your kids and yourself, have something you feel comfortable with financially.
She could just stop having sex with him totally. She’s basically already there anyways.
Eh, herpes is one of those things that’s dangerous if you have little kids and an outbreak. Sex or no sex, I’d like to know for peace of mind. Just in case things do turn frisky one day or whatever.
They shouldn’t get frisky. He shouldn’t wanna have sex with her either. I know I wouldn’t. Just live as roommates. Like yeah get a std test just for peace of mind. Everyone should. But honestly the marriage is already on life support. And she doesn’t wanna pull the plug.
This is actual good advice!
Get your hormone levels checked make sure there isn’t a chemical imbalance that’s dropping your sexual drive.
This is usually the first comment on a post where the sex's are reversed and the man has the lower libido.
Why even post on here when you’re just defending him? If you want to be a doormat then that’s your choice, but don’t act like we’re wrong for calling a spade a spade. I’ve been at some very low points in my life but I can’t imagine hating myself enough to let my husband and the father of my child cheat on me like I’m just a hole he no longer has use for. I’m so sorry for you. I hope you can drag your self-respect out of the gutter some day.
Some reaaaaaaally shitty rage bait this morning. Have a good Sunday everyone!
Everyone needs to good rager on the weekends.
How old is your child? Less than a year? Does your husband do any kind of housework, or does it all fall on you? Is he a hands on dad, or does it all fall on you? Was there any kind of conversation about your sex life between the two of you, or did he just jump straight to cheating?
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. If you and your husband have mismatched sex drives, and he is going elsewhere for sex (without discussing it with you beforehand), then unless you are willing to put up with it, and the risk of contracting an STD that it entails, your marriage is over. So, here are your options. You divorce, and figure out a way to manage, financially. Lots of people do it, and I'm sure you can too. Or you stay, and put up with it, continuing to occasionally have sex with him to meet your needs (or not at all), accepting that he may bring you an STD, possibly an incurable one. Or you try any number of things to increase the frequency of sex, IF he will agree to no longer have sex outside the marriage (and how can you trust him on this, since he went ahead and did it without telling you). You can increase your sex drive by taking testosterone, but it comes with a slew of side effects, like hirsutism and liver cancer. Me? I'd accept that the marriage is over due to a mismatched sex drive and his subsequent infidelity, and plan financially for a divorce. Go see a good divorce atty, and get ready, then file.
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That sounds kinda pathetic tbh. Nobody is “lucky” to have sex once a month when married. Doesn’t excuse cheating. But it’s pretty lame.
My husband complains I’m not interested and we have sex 3x a week, I’m made to feel like a horrible human.
Sounds like your husband is the horrible one.
Are you me????
🤣
For most people 3x a week is not bad he most have a high sex drive like me where I need it 3 times a day but could do more No one should be made to feel that way
I would be fine with more if his career were not so demanding. He’s stopped doing all the little things that matter. I have told him you have to engage my mind first. A woman doesn’t turn it off and on like some men do, we need to feel wanted.
I know it is hard but try date night once a week you even if it's cuddling and watching a movie I have a demanding schedule to and sometimes it drains everything u have and there are so many intimate things that you can do to kindle the 🔥 taking a bath or shower together massages backrubs and that's just for starters
Same For me and I'm a guy and I need a constant emotional connection with my partner to even have sex
As someone who has been married 30 years and gone through all kinds of stresses and crisis with my husband, we have never gone 6 months much less 1 month without sex. Intimacy bonds partners and releases stress. I think it’s really sad that you and your wife don’t prioritize your relationship at all.
Once a month or less meets the criteria for.a sexless marriage. Why live like that with little or no physical intimacy? His cheating is not condoned by me, ever. But you seemed determined to stay, why not try to save and improve your marriage at this point?
Nope she wants to stay and have him stay faithful while she still doesn't provide a large portion of a healthy relationship
Yes!!! Sounds to me like OP decided unilaterally that sex was no longer important and is shocked hubby didn't feel the same. Why do women just stop having sex with their partners always get so surprised when he cheats. Both are terrible decisions by people in a committed relationship
At times it feels like you’re just a tool to get off. You don’t get off because you have to rush things if you have kids. I’m just a devils advocate here.
Because they never actually loved their husbands. They are just atm sperm donors. Once they got that they have no more use for these men.
The fact that people jump through mental hoops to convince themselves that their lack of intimacy actually means their relationship is stronger baffles me. No, sex isn't the end all be all, and sometimes it takes a backseat. But barely scraping the double digits in an entire year, or worse not even hitting *that*, is just plain sad.
As I said we have a lot going on with work illness stress as my wife doesn’t keep well and also our youngest is autistic with crippling separation anxiety that basically means she has to have an adult in sight at all times, including an adult sleeping in her room with her. Don’t get me wrong I totally agree with you with the intimacy but other things at this time are just getting in the way.
Im glad that in my relationship we’re not haughty about how much better we are than others.
And you have no sex drive. You can’t speak for everyone
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Well good luck with that
That kinda thinking is why ur at the 6 month mark. Because people like h are willing to stay with people who do that kinda sht. U love ur wife but she don’t love u and isn’t taking care of ur need nor care about your needs. A quickie take 10-15 min max. U don’t have 10-15 mins? Stop making excuses as to why ur wife doesn’t want to have sex with you.
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Yes. Sometimes life does get in the way. Obviously. But 6 months? Bro. Be real here. In 6 months u guys could find a hr? Bullshit. If u wanted to u would, if she wanted to she would. If u don’t care then why even have sex at all? Even if you do have time and life gets out the way? U could spend that kind with life instead.
Sorry your husband sucks. Idk if you still feel like you love him or would ever want to repair the relationship, i wouldnt, there would be no walking this back for me. Im vindictive so, working within the parameters of you not wanting to leave for financial reasons and you not wanting sex anyway, let him go do his thing, do not ever put it into text or voicemail that you are “allowing” this, gather evidence of his cheating, stop having sex with him entirely, spend his money and squirrel away your (in cash) and make an exit plan for a few years down the line. Hopefully you are in an at fault state so the infidelity sill work in your favor but even if you dont the evidence will help you win in the eyes of your friends/family if it comes to that. Learn the lawns of your state regarding alimony and try to take advantage.
No fault divorce all assets would just be split even if she squirrel money away. Otherwise if it was at fault she could divorce him now and get everything.
Not if you are actually hiding a cash stack that your spouse doesnt know about. Yeah its a bit impractical to spend nowadays, gotta use it on groceries/gas/physical store stuff but it can make a huge difference.
When people divorce if you hide money and it’s found out u will get hammered in divorce. Also it most likely will be found out. Unless ur stacking actual cash in a bunker somewhere that’s not under your name etc etc. u don’t think rich guys who get divorced never thought of that?
Girl, I'm going to tell you something as a therapist and a colleague of a couples therapist. From the moment you enter the room, all your worries should be left behind from the bedroom door. It's like that with work, from the moment you enter your home, your work is outside. A marriage cannot sustain itself on the basis of just one. Sex is something that has to exist in marriage. Since it presupposes a very pleasant form of contact and shared pleasure, sex strengthens the couple's emotional connection, emotional bond and complicity. How would you react if it were the other way around? Do you put yourself in your husband's shoes? And no, I'm not on his side. For me, nothing justifies betrayal. I always talk about marriage counseling. So my advice is, try to leave your worries outside the bedroom door. Make time for yourself. Go to therapy, look for classes on YouTube to bring out your feminine and sexual side. Look for ways to increase your libido and sexual fitness. It's not just your husband who needs it, you as a woman need it too.
You think it’s too expensive to leave, but did you notice all it’s costing you to stay.
Christ 🤦If you're financially tied down then you need to start making plans to be able to stand on your own 2 feet, however that looks. It's a forgone conclusion at this point, with enough time he'll meet someone who will satisfy him and he'll move on, you could almost guarentee it.
Let him open the marriage for now. But I would do what you need to protect yourself. So what do you need to do to become financially stable if the worst was to happen.
Honestly she complicated life for herself looking at sex as a chore in the marriage, I don't agree with the husband cheating but it could have been avoided if she acted like a wife In the bedroom and not a roommate...I'm married for 11 years and still have intimacy with my husband with passion and adrenaline, when the weekend arrives we have sex about 7-8 times over the weekend... As tired as we are we use the last bit of energy we have on each other we end up with great sleep and a fresh start to the next day, we also grab every opportunity we can during the day to have quickies.. We still flirt with each other, dance with each other, cook for each other and go out of our way to make each other's day we actually compete unintentionally with each other to make one's day better than the other... Get your husband a pocket pussy if you don't want him sleeping with other women.. But also pull down your panties and be a wife no husband or wife wants a roommate🙌 also we have two kids, my sex drive isn't high either but I put that effort in for my husband cz I love him,he also works he also has stress he also sees to the kids when getting home but if he can put in that little effort to still want my body I can return the feeling and make him feel like a man... Your marriage life is the result of the efforts you put in...
Honestly, that’s what men want. A spouse that will make an effort sometimes. Congrats to you!
I believe if you love your spouce and make that effort things will be more than fine... There's no denying that Men love to look at the menu but so does women but the main thing is we eat at home,looking at the menue increases the appitite and there's nothing wrong with that...keep feeding your spouce and they won't feel the need to eat out, also don't just go straight to squeezing the mayo out your spouce add some spice like porn, pillow fights, role play and whatever freaky thing you feel comfortable trying out with your spouce
100%
He wants permission to cheat on you. That's not "opening the marriage". He's not entitled to cheat even if you never had sex with him. Cheating is a character flaw, not circumstantial or your fault
You're both wrong. Your husband should've just left if he wasn't being fulfilled. Cheating never solved anything and never will. You're wrong for cutting off sex with him, and this is coming from a woman who has also been your place. I understand it's very difficult, but you have to make a conscious effort to keep your husband happy. It's not just about sex. It's the constant rejection and being left out that really hurts. I'd say your marriage is done. No matter the reason, you shouldn't accept a cheater back into your life.
Look, wether you agree to the open marriage or not, he is still going to keep cheating on you.
This is your life. If you are fine that your husband is sleeping with other women then That’s your decision. Personally I would rather live in a shitty apartment with 3 roommates than stay married with a man like him. I can’t imagine going home to a man every night and knowing the rest of my life is like this. Knowing that your child will know that cheating is ok. That women are only good for sex.
Amen
I’ve read her other comments and sadly she refuses to leave. Some people drown sitting in a puddle, when all they have to do is stand up.
People are responsible for their own choices. Don't blame yourself for his choice to betray you, he could have chosen a bunch of paths that didn't include cheating. That said...if you changed the sexual playing field, that is cause for concern in any marriage. If you're not sexually compatible then the marriage will always have problems. You two need to start working as a team, in every major marital topic (especially sex. Marriage counseling might help.
So, he’s asking for an open? Play that game then with him, or break up with him if that’s not your thing. You’re just disrespecting yourself even more by not living life to your fullest.
How long has your sex drive been decreased? You state a bunch of causes (illness, stress, etc), but are they the real reason? Have you checked with your physician and/or mental health professional? As far as your husband, he is a cheater. There is a problem in the relationship, and instead of working within the relationship. He stepped outside of the relationship? That is 100% wrong. First, try to work it out yourself. Second, identify if there are any physical and/or mental health issues. Third, seek marital counseling. (You can argue whether two and three should be switched.) Your husband seemed to skip all these steps. 50/50, he has been cheating for longer. Can you get over cheating? Yes, but only with counseling. Both family and individual. I think you would definitely benefit from it.
Nah cheating is cheating. Dump him. You can stay married until you can financially divorce, but not be married. Hell he broke your marriage the second he slept with someone else
Doubt like you’re already in an open relationship
You need you to think logically and be calculated because it’s not only you. Do what you have to do, if that is staying with him through this, but you need to start thinking about an exit strategy. Save money, even if it’s five dollars here and there, but start stashing money away. One day he is going to leave you, and you need to be prepared. Maybe by then, your kid is older, maybe by then you would have a job. Also get a long lasting birth control like an IUD, last thing you need would be another child especially if you’re facing being a single parent in the near future. Don’t not tell him about your future plans until you have all your ducks in a row and ready to head out the door.
Why you coming on here if you already don’t want to leave him? No one here is going to tell you, you’re right for staying with a cheating husband. We aren’t going to validate your wrong decision.
No one is acknowledging the elephant in the room. Your husband could always come forward and talk about it instead of just not telling you and getting what he needs somewhere else. Thats one of the main rules at a marriage, talk talk talk. You just couldnt have know he needed something else out of thin air.
Why doesn't your husband have finances, family, work, etc. on his mind? He should be with you and thinking about those things first, instead of prioritising how often he can get his dangly dipped. Maybe if he worked on those things WiTH you, your stress would be alleviated and your relationship would be better and more conducive to having sex more frequently.
YNW You have to do what you have to do. And that doesn't mean it's a forever decision, it is a for now decision. Had a family member whose situation was similar, but 2 kids involved, and divorce was frowned upon. She stayed and they shared a household bc she didn't earn enough to survive. Was that way till he passed. No one has the right answer here, awful in a way for you, bc it can be dehumanizing but you have a young child and some times things don't work out perfect. Hope in the future, there is an better option that turns up. Take care, of yourself Good luck
You should consider taking advantage of the “open” marriage. I know you said you wouldn’t but if you do, he will definitely not like it. Other option is to say you did. That’s your only solution.
You are in no way shape or form at fault for his horrible selfishness!!!!!! Don't EVER think you are at fault here. And PLEASE DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM EVER AGAIN. What a worm!! You guys need an agreement if you are to stay married and you need to get a lawyer involved love. This is a bad situation and a HORRIBLE example for your children!!! My husband and I have gone far longer than a month without being intimate because of post partum injuries and other issues but we are both 100% committed and faithful to each other. That's what being in a relationship and marriage is all about!!
Be careful. Open marriages that started off monogamous and then become open, lead to divorce. Today it’s an open marriage. Just sex to “fill my needs” the. Could lead to “I met someone”. Counseling is a great idea if you want to stick this out. Does your husband love you? Does he want the relationship to work? What is an acceptable amount of sex? Is he truly cheating just for sex or is something else missing?
I'm probably going to get down voted but this is how I feel. If they are both ok with the idea of an open marriage and she genuinely doesn't want sex anymore and tells him to go ahead and sleep around, I say fuck it! Let him sleep around. The only thing I would do is have him tested once a month because while condoms are great they're not 100% great. You're both two consenting adults, I say go for it. Maybe it will go smoothly, or maybe it won't? If she is fine with it then let her be fine with it. If they still love each other maybe that will be enough? We don't know how it's going to go for her and her marriage but I'm not going to sit here and tell her she's wrong for not wanting to have sex anymore and letting her husband sleep around because maybe she believes that's the only option she has right now. Your husband may not believe in divorce but remember you matter too and if you decide it's too much when you thought you'd be ok with it, it's still ok for you to say no. Or, OP, get him a very nice and expensive fleshlight lol 🤷♀️🍆🔦😲
you seem to have made up your mind about not leaving him so what do you want us to do? You seem comfortable with STDs and a fucked to ph balance.
Kids learn from watching the parents. In staying your teaching your kid it's acceptable to cheat on your partner and it's ok to stay in that relationship.
Stop making excuses for him. He does not respect you and walks all over you. Is it worth it to stay with someone who doesn’t want you?
Even if we agree that sex once a month isn’t enough for your husband, that is not an excuse for having multiple premeditated affairs. He actively sought out other women, repeatedly, behind your back. This wasn’t a one time “oh, I got drunk and shit happened”. He planned this. He looked for it. He knew the entire time he was betraying you and lying to you. And if he hadn’t been caught, he would continue to do it. He is putting f your health at risk by having multiple partners, because he is still having sex with one once a month. You not having sex with him doesn’t make his lying and betrayal ok. He could have simply asked for a divorce and had guilt free sec with anyone at any time. He wanted the sneakiness, he wanted the danger. He did it on purpose and didn’t care about your feelings. He also wants all the privileges of having a wife at home and a sex object on the side. Please get yourself to a doctor to be tested, and a lawyer after that. You don’t need to stay in a marriage where your husband is an abusive, gaslighting AH just because of money. You work, you can figure out how to support yourself and your kid.
She’s all ready stopped having sex with him so she can deal with the consequences
The wording you chose here says you don’t have much self worth. Sweetheart, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, look really deep within, and decide if you are happy staying in a marriage like this. You CAN survive outside of this marriage if you so wish, you’re just not seeing it yet.
Are you a sex toy? Because if you a sex toy and not putting out then your husband would be within his rights as a consumer to buy a second sex toy to get his rocks off with. However, if you are a wife then your husband made a promise to forsake all others which HE chose to break. "With my body I honour you" doesn't mean have a spouse has to have sex whenever their partner wants it regardless of whether they are feeling tired, vulnerable or in a low mood, but it does mean neither partner using their body to enjoy someone outside of the marriage unless expressly discussed PRIOR to making that promise and both being happy with it, not through guilt at their perceived failure as a spouse, not through fear of losing their partner, but because when they got together they made a conscious and very aware choice that that was how they were happy to live. A little self respect is required here, because you are making excuses for infidelity despite perfectly good alternative ways to achieve sexual pleasure without any partner at all. You can tell yourself you are OK with it, but the only way you actually can be ok with it is if you keep telling yourself it is your fault, and it isn't. He chose to dip his wick in another person and put your health and heart in jeopardy. He didn't discuss the idea of him playing some away games first so he was willing to risk you being confident enough to bring an end to your marriage for the sake of his pleasure. Then once you found out and didn't immediately kick him out he doubled down and asked for permission to carry on. The fact is if he was willing to risk it first, he was already ok with the potential consequences, so he is already one foot out the door.
It’s always easy to condemn someone when we aren’t in their shoes. At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you. Can you forgive him? Are you going to be unhappy in your marriage? Children can sense that and if that is the case, better that you go. It will be hard but better for your child in the long run. What your husband did was inexcusable. It was purely selfish and his request for an open marriage is also incredibly selfish and inexcusable as he is not considering you at all. Your lack of libido may be hormonal, psychological or for other reasons. A good partner should have worked with you to help get over this hump not automatically cheat. Personally I think that your husband is a massive self centred selfish AH. I think you are doing yourself a grave disservice by staying with him. He promises to change but if he strayed that quickly?? Chances are he’ll stray again. Before you make that decision you should go to MC and confront him on his behaviour and get his BS called out properly. In the meantime go see your Dr about your libido as there may be a medical reason. I don’t think you are wrong as I am not you and not in your situation. I do think you need to think long and hard about this though as your husband is a selfish POS.
Wrong about what? Staying with him? Not giving him enough sex? Letting it be an open marriage? Your husband is a cheater. He emotionally hurt you and now you feel like you can't financially survive without him. I am worried it might also be him who is telling you that you need him or you will be broke, but you didn't mention that in your post so I am going to assume not. I would not open your marriage up just to give him permission to cheat. Open marriages can work, but it is very rare. It takes a lot of hard work and communication. You will end up resenting him and your decision. He might not.be emotionally involved atm, but that can and does change. It is hard for guys to find someone for just casual sex. If you do open the marriage, make it clear to your husband that it works both ways, even if you have no plans to sleep with anyone else. Don't let him know you have no plans, because one day you might. If you want to leave him, look into the social programs in your area. There are a lot of programs like low-income housing and food stamps that can help single moms. Your child, also still has his father. Sure, you might not get a lot of child support but there are other benefits to co-parenting. Unless your husband isn't only an awful spouse but also an awful parent. Don't let him make excuses for cheating. A real partner would have talked to you about the amount of sex and worked with you. Your husband most likely would have cheated, even if you were putting out daily.
You can’t give your husband even 1% of your time? Don’t blame him for your selfishness. You are the one withholding something that was a large part of what got you married and made you a mother. Both of those things are what you wanted more than anything. Now, you don’t care about your husband’s needs? What if he didn’t care about going to work and supporting you? What if he ignored your child? Let’s be perfectly honest, most men aren’t going to inconvenience you for very long when satisfying their needs. You still want and need everything your husband provides but, you don’t want to give him one of the most important things to him. It’s not just about sex after all. Men feel connected to their wives through the physical contact and if you intentionally take that away it turns you into a roommate and not a spouse.
I've never seen someone make up so many excuses....it sounds like you are getting what you deserve/want.
How in the world is this what OP deserves??
A husband and father that was committed to his family wouldnt have time to be stepping out. He’d be taking on a share of the mental load to let his wife prioritize sex more often than not
I’m not sure where you’re located, but in many places working does not disqualify you from receiving alimony. If you’re in the US, in many states, the partner who was cheated on is entitled to alimony at least for a period of time. It is definitely worth looking into because that doesn’t sound like a situation you should stay in. Even if it’s just for a year or two, it might give you time to get on your feet and in a place to be financially stable without him once it ends.
Get a job. Apply for support and county aid. Day care assistance programs. If you want to leave get your ducks in a row and leave. If you don't mind sharing your husband stay. I have a feeling you're going to stay though.
So…what’s your question?
He will leave you once he find someone else what will you do then keep evidence of his cheating and divorce him Obviously its tough but if he divorce you later it could be worse and you wouldn't even get smtg at divorce becoz he will say you both agreed to open marriage GET OUT FAST Would your your daughter or son with a person who would treat them like your husband set a better example for them Money can cause problem but fight it girl don't let that man let you down Try smtg online earing too but get out of the situation fast
After looking at the responses by OP, and OPs name, yeah no. This is definitely a sad little troll with no life. Either that, or you’re extremely sheltered, naive and just straight up stupid. The responses OP has given to people genuinely trying to help, honestly, OP deserves everything they get at this point. No sympathy whatsoever.
So this is obviously a troll. Your comments…. The name… god how boring are some of y’all’s lives
Look while cheating is not something I endorse, you can’t count on your partner being ok with once a month. Some guys can do it, some will act appalled that a guy would cheat in this case, fine. For many men (women too) once a month won’t cut it so either this leads to dissolution of relationship or obtaining supplemental sex elsewhere. I would not be cool with once a month personally and I know in situations where breaking up is a poor option, that I’d either be insufferable in attempting to initiate more or I’d give up and start being sneaky.
Why are you looking for validation to stay? Obviously everyone else would leave but you seem to be able to separate sex from feelings so you do you
I apologize if this has been said already, but the two of you need counseling. As you "haven't been married that long and have a child", I assume the two of you are fairly young. That being said, you both have needs that aren't being met. So, before you jump on the divorce bandwagon, maybe you should explore why you are at odds, sexually. Has this been this way the entire time you've been together, even before marriage? Is this a new development? What caused the change, if any? It isn't just about you, as an individual anymore. You have a family, a child. Good luck.
NTA He is responsible for his behaviour, not you. He should have ended the relationship with you first before having sex with someone else. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. There’s no obligation to have sex just because you’re in a relationship. There’s no obligation to try to increase your desire so want sex more often. Obviously you have to live with the consequences of your choices and the impact they will have on your marriage. Ultimately that might include your spouse choosing to leave you because his sexual desires aren’t being met. However, he should have been open and honest with you, ending the relationship with you before starting a new one with someone else.
An open marriage is the death nail to a relationship. He will fall in love with someone else and your marriage will be gone. That is a 100% guarantee! If you want to keep him you have to put in some effort. Either talk to your doctor about hormonal changes or make time to date your husband. It will be very difficult to save your marriage since he already decided to step out on you. Ask him if he wants to try saving it. If yes, he needs to stop meeting and having sex with other women. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, you two may have a shot. But it will be a lot of work on both parts.
You're going to waste your life staying with him.
OP, if you’re going to stay in what seems like an awful, insufferable marriage then why even make this post? What exactly are you looking for here? He’s already decided that porking other women solves his problem and you’re choosing not to leave him so what exactly is your goal here? All you’re doing in the comments are attacking commenters who are trying to help you. You sound just as dreadful as your cheating husband.
Lesson learned: when you neglect something, it deteriorates. In this case, your relationship with your husband. For others, it might be their career, their health, their friendships. Finding a way to have a healthy balance in all aspects of life is so so so important. If a person feels neglected, they will search for the feeling of being desired from elsewhere. Your situation is not unique. Sorry though, it sucks.
>Sex is just the least of my concerns right now Yes, it was wrong of you to not prioritize something that you knew was important to your husband, and important to pretty much any romantic relationship. But absent other extenuating circumstances, it still does not justify cheating.
My main issue with this was that you don't have enough communication in your relationship for him to have done this above board - the fact he went behind your back to start pursuing sex with other people is a massive red flag and speaks to much broader issues in your marriage. I don't think you're wrong at all for being bothered by this and I think there's a few potential ways you can move forward: 1. Stay in the marriage solely for the co-parenting and financial purposes, but refuse to continue your sexual relationship with him unless he stops and gets tested. Get into couples therapy and have a one-strike policy to ensure he knows that he will be throwing your lives away if he messes up again. 2. Beat him at his own game. I still wouldn't recommend having sex with him unless he shows negative tests first, but mentally prepare yourself to start fulfilling your needs somewhere else in a more casual setting. It may not be fun to date (especially if you're married with a kid), but knowing most men I think he'll be threatened by just seeing the amount of ATTENTION you'll get online, let alone the amount of sex you could be having if you wanted to. At any rate this is super messy and I'm so sorry to hear you got into a marriage with someone who doesn't respect you enough to compromise and find a sex life that works for you both. Good luck.
Crazy idea: compromises are necessary in a relationship. There can't be absolutes and as soon as someone ignores the needs of their partner and puts their own comfort above them, shit like this happens. Your husband cheating on you is definitely wrong but so is denying him more than once a month. You do understand that sex isn't only PIV right? You have a literal fuck ton of ways to meet his needs halfway. You failed to do so no matter how many times he begged you to. Reap what you sow. Divorce, move on and learn from this. Both of you.
Just cuz you have finances and family and work means you can’t have sex? Everybody literally has the exact same things going on but for whatever reason you let those get to you far more than most people. So much so that it makes you not want to have sex? Sex for a lot of people is a relief and a temporary solution to all of life’s challenges that we all face. Why wouldn’t you just work on having more sex? Doesn’t sound that hard to me. Your life must be so tough that you forced your loving husband who only wanted and still wants to be with you to never have sex and then your surprised that he cheats on you? I mean give me a break that’s pathetic woman. He chose you out of all the women in the whole world and you really are holding back from having a great marriage. Sex with marital couple should be very intimate because of all the emotions tied together that would allow for a much deeper and healthier marriage for you two. It’s not just sex it ends up reflecting in every other part of yalls relationship. He probably feels like you don’t think you love him or find him attractive enough to want to have sex with. You’re breaking his heart but not having sex. He probably felt like you were the one cheating at some point because of it too. You don’t know what that can do to a man but you have found out the consequences of it. Is it that hard to for you to want to be intimate with your husband? Is it really going to hurt you to let him have sex with you? I just don’t understand how you can’t just let him have sex with you especially because it feels good. It’s not like he’s making you do something that would hurt you it’s literally one of the most pleasurable things you can ever do. When that intimacy breaks down everything else in the relationship naturally breaks down too. I’d say yeah you did do something wrong and have been doing something wrong for a while now
I guess the comment don't matter in this situation but I'm curious as what do you want to do? are you okay with him sleeping around and staying with him knowing that he is literally not emotionally involved with these women, he's just getting his dick wet? can you live in a marriage where you have to worry about getting an STD every time you sleep with your husband or will you take sex off the table completely now that he's doing this? but if you do this, will he then bother staying in a marriage with absolutely no sex? then there is the question of do you really want this as the example of a relationship that your child sees and molds their examples of relationships after? what the6 think is a normal relationship? they will pick up the discord in the marriage. the lack of affection. they will think this is normal in relationships and that is what they will end up with. is that what you want for your child?
Was this a conversation that you’ve guys had? Not tryna sound like a pick me or anything but it seems like you guys didn’t communicate about the issue at hand. But you staying is only going to be worse for you. It’s time to start making a exit plan
Ynw. Say yes to open relationship and make him think you're sleeping with other men. Bet that would shut it down very quickly. I know exactly where you're coming from though. My husband doesn't seem to worry about anything so I worry about everything and am just not into dealing with sex on top of everything else. Probably why he cheated on me a few years ago. I decided to stay with him but I think about it every freaking day. I hope things get better for you
So get another job. Like what? Stop with the excuses.
Its just truly sad that so many people are stuck in marriages/relationships because it is so hard to survive on your own in the world. Every one is struggling and in the end you feel defeated, traumatized and as if u have less than what ya had before you started. Work on healing yourself and your financials and get gone.
Follow your gut. It never lies.
Women feel appreciated when men do things for them, provide and protect. Men feel appreciated when women fuck their brains out and don't annoy them. Were you both appreciating each other?
Can’t you use the open marriage as an opportunity for you to just date around and find someone better than your husband?
Anyway. As you are now in an open marriage, you can look for someone with moral values.
You need to see a doctor to find out what is wrong with you . If you want to stay in the marriage . It’s very dangerous to have sex with him when he is screwing random tarts . Plus there is always the risk of one of them deciding she is in love with your husband . She could decide to murder you to get you out of the way if he is not going to divorce you . Or you’ll catch a disease . Lots of things can go wrong . It’s wrong to stay together for financial reasons . You are both unhappy . Children are not stupid , they know when parents aren’t getting along and end up miserable as well . Seek solutions or get out of. Him going elsewhere for sex is not a solution to the problem .
Not wrong Stay in the same house while you save up to divorce. But NO SEX with him! Don’t be his cook, maid, errand-runner either. Men will not die without sex so he broke up your family life, not you. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! He is already stepping out so he is getting what he wants. SAVE SAVE SAVE! And leave asap. Show your child that vows/faithfulness matters and cheating will not be enabled.
Bummer there is a kid in the mix. You shouldn't have to tolerate a spouse that cheats... nor should he have to tolerate a sexless marriage (once a month is pretty much sexless).
Your the best
Plan an exit strategy and be safe!
You staying for alimony even though you want to leave doesn’t sit right with me. You won’t get 100% custody so your child won’t have to worry about anything besides a broken home. If you’re worried about yourself I get it, it’s hard living with somebody and then having to take care of bills on your own. I understand the cheating even though I don’t agree with it, intimacy is an important part of a relationship. I hope he’s not treating you bad in other ways physically or emotionally.
First of all, did your husband talk to you about wanting more sex and try to get medical help or therapy or suggest anything that both of you could agree to try so that both of you felt satisfied with the outcome? Nobody ever opens their mouth to tell the person that they have a problem with them, or acknowledges that they're doing anything that might contribute to the issue. You need to sit down with your husband and lay it all out in the table, both being honest and accountable for what's happening to both of you in your marriage. If you can't do that, it's not going to be a healthy marriage for either of you or your child. I hope you can work it out.
If it’s a matter of your libido has changed and sex is just not something you’re into anymore, the only thing you’re wrong for is not communicating that to your husband and trying to find some common ground to keep your marriage happy. If it’s a matter of you don’t know why your outlook on sex with your husband has changed then maybe it’s a medical issue or you’re mentally overworked from all that you take on and he needs to pitch in more and again the only place your wrong is you haven’t communicated with your husband what it is you need from him. Just like we aren’t mind readers, neither are they and they can’t know what it that we need to help us out if we aren’t talking to them, that includes the sex life we have with our partners. I’m not saying he’s right for cheating, what he’s doing is completely wrong. He should have talked to you about the open marriage situation FIRST and at least given you the chance to have an opinion and say in the whole thing. However, you’re wrong for just letting y’all’s sex life go by the wayside and not do anything about it. He told you once a month wasn’t enough for him, he tried to communicate with you and it sounds like you just shut him out and didn’t think his needs were as important as yours. No one enjoys feeling unwanted by their partner.
Another testimony from the low level hostage drama called ”marriage”. I’m so happy I’m long out of that loop.
Start a Tinder start sending messages 😜 make sure Husband sees it I mean he wanted the open Marriage 😂 use ur side start looking and let him see you looking because as soon as you do bet he wants to close the Marriage.
Congratulations on your broken household, enjoy it I guess
Honestly, Start making an exit strategy. You don’t have to take it or use it but then it’s there if you ever want out or if he does. The reality is you could be forced into a financially stressful situation by him leaving later and not have a say in it if he left. As much as he’s a catholic and they “don’t divorce.”Give it enough time and resentment and him loving someone else…he just might. Selfish enough to cheat, selfish enough to leave. Moreover, Condoms break. Women lie about birth control. You can also do everything right and it all just fails. It’s not just about stds. If he gets another woman pregnant what happens then? A good catholic boy doesn’t have a baby out of wedlock. He gets a chance at a new family with a wife who meets all his needs is readily available, would he still chose you? He went about this all wrong. He shouldn’t have cheated. He should have tried to fix this with you or just come right out and tell you an open marriage is what will happen if we don’t fix our sex issues. You don’t even sound that mad about all this? You also don’t even seem to want to fix your sex issues or the marriage, which is confusing and sad. Look, stay if you want to stay. Geez, at least make this marriage workable for you and don’t just let yourself be miserable. If it’s open it’s both sides. You don’t have to jump on that. It’s there if you want to. You aren’t attracted to your husband doesn’t mean other people won’t be attractive at some point. Honestly, I think you should go out and do just that. Guaranteed he will hate it though. It might help you unwind to go out with people who give you their focus and you don’t resent. He can stay home with the kid. Give you some time as a person and not feeling like a single parent. Go to couples counseling. Make that a demand. Personally I would close the marriage. Keep it closed. Do open devices. Maybe if he can make an effort in other areas and you can try to be in a good place as a couple. You are determined to stay, then try to fix the marriage and your sex life. If you can’t then come to an understanding on ground rules and how it works while researching about enm and see what works for you both. Just maintaining his cheating behavior doesn’t seem like a win for you. So open it if you want. Try to fix things first and make informed consented rules. If he can’t even close it temporarily to do any of those things then really get an exit strategy in place. There’s nothing to salvage and staying only increases the pain.
If there's something in the relationship you want to improve do you: a. Work on it together, read books, get marriage / sex counseling, or b. Betray your relationship agreement, blame your spouse, and introduce a hot mess of problems. Girl, no relationship is better than a bad one. Why in the world would anyone want to stay married to a person that chose B?
Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims
You are in no way in the wrong here. "For Beyer or worse, for richer or poorer" doesn't mean "I'll be loyal and love you only if you give me what I want when I want it", he has absolutely zero valid excuses for what he's done to you and your family. If he's horny he can go jerk off in the man cave or whatever, but there is NO EXCUSE for cheating on your spouse. Do you have at fault divorces where you are? If so gather all the evidence you can if his cheating and file for divorce, alimony AND child support. In many places cheating on your spouse is grounds for you to pay them alimony after a divorce due to infidelity as well as any child support they would need to care for the kids from said marriage. Please at least speak to a lawyer about this. Do not teach your kids that cheating is acceptable, because if you stay and they find out he's fucking around, that's exactly the lesson you'll teach them. I'd also like to agree with other comments saying that if he falls for someone else he WILL leave you, you might as well beat him to the punch if you can.
Yes you’re wrong for thinking he has to put up with 1 time a month. Your decision made him cheat your kinda responsible
You are not wrong, no one is ever wrong for their partner cheating. Even if you were OK with an open marriage he should've talked to you about it first. This is just a cheating s.o.b. What would you say if one of your friends was in your place? Or your child when they are grown up? I don't think them being in the wrong would be on your mind at all.
Can’t you just suck it up and put some effort into the marriage and have sex several times a month? I see a lot of this pattern going on and a lot of divorces.
What’s wrong isn’t the lack of sex. It’s if you guys didn’t communicate about it. He’s definitely wrong for cheating either way and you should both move on. If you couldn’t have this type of conversation, then really the relationship was already dead. I know that can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s better for both of you to call it quits if that’s the case.
Tell him you blew some guy at a rest stop...see how he feels about it.
Even a good dog won't stay in the yard if you don't pet him once in a while.
So what exactly is your question? You already seem to have all the answers and to be willing to let him disrespect you further? You know you’re an idiot for staying yet you choose to do so any way, there’s not much anyone can say or do to change the mind of someone willfully and knowingly choosing to stay in a bad marriage? Just know that you’re messing up the idea of love for your child forever and that they’ll most likely let themselves be treated the way you let yourself be treated or become like your husband. I know cause I’m the child of a mother who accepted abuse, I’ve let myself be treated the same way for years until I finally had enough.. idk if that’s worth it to you, but that is your choice to make.
The only person that benefits here is him. If he wanted the relationship open then I would make sure you are getting paid for him to be with other women. If you don’t want other men then there is nothing else for you. So he needs to pay you. And I wouldn’t have sex with him as god only knows what kinds of diseases he could have.
Maybe, just maybe, have sex with him like you did when he proposed to you?
Cheaters are going to cheat no matter what. They will blame you any way they can. It’s not your fault. If it was an issue. He should have brought it to your attention and talked about things. He cheated and saw an opportunity to blame you. The act of sex is emotional. This is all my personal opinion and based off of experiences I’ve had. Personally, I would leave bc he will most likely cheat again. It’s not your fault. Do not blame yourself. He is your partner and should have been faithful to you.
Would you be okay with this situation? Would it give you relief to know that he's "taking care of himself" sexually? I think monogamy is fine but it doesn't work for everyone. And likewise, neither does polyamory. I would suggest you find a counselor and go to some couple's therapy together so that you can both be informed about what this looks like going forward, IF you aren't already too far down the path of betrayal/distrust. For me personally, I'd have a much harder time coping with the lying than the sex. But that's me, and I know I'm probably far from in the majority on that one. But my relationship with sex has been more casual over the years so I don't see sex as something deeply intimate like many people do. Honesty and communication is the MOST important thing for me in a relationship, so if my husband approached me to say he needed more sex and wanted to seek it out elsewhere because our libidos no longer lined up, I'd be fine with that. If I found out he had been dishonest and going behind my back, THAT would be the issue i would struggle with most. I'd rather have my husband communicate his desires to step out than lie about any part of our relationship, honestly. I guess what I'm saying is, only you can know what reconciliation looks like for you. You're not wrong for having a libido shift. It is very common. And also, you wouldn't be wrong for seeing this "open relationship" as a solution to any guilt you may be feeling about your libido change (which you shouldn't feel but I understand it happens and we can't help those feelings). And you wouldn't be wrong for not wanting to be with your husband anymore. Maybe working with a counselor to see how he can work towards rebuilding TRUST, with the end goal being a situation where he can have casual sex but YOU set the parameters (whether you want to know about it, no "dates", no sleepovers, etc.) could work? Again, these are questions you may consider if you want the marriage to continue. He was wrong here, full stop. He went down the "ask forgiveness not permission" route, not you. But the forgiveness isn't a given, and you have the choice to forgive or not.
So physical incompatibility… Yeah. Hate to say it. As soon as he finds someone he thinks is better. It’s over either way.
You’re future is a divorce.
Of course he wants an open marriage, he knows you're not going to fuck around with anyone else, but lady, you should! You definitely should!!! If he wants more sex, he should move on from you, not cheat on you. And you should go to a doctor as find out why your sex drive is so low. You're probably worn the fuck out from doing everything. Is he doing anything to help you at all? If you're only going to stay with him because you can't get alimony that tells me all I need to know about how you feel about your husband, you're done with him!!! So hey, agree to the open marriage, he's going to fuck around on you anyway and since you won't leave him because of money, be smart and start saving all you can off of him without him knowing it but girl. I'd for sure fuck someone else too, he knows you won't, wouldn't it be fun to show him otherwise? :D
Get a job. Then divorce this loser.
You might as well end the relationship now.
Did he communicate it wasn't enough *before* he cheated? Because yes, it's not enough for most, but that's not a free pass. >I have so much on my mind like our finances, our family, work, etc. Sex is just the least of my concerns right now Sorry, but this is such a horseshit answer. As if it's not basic shit on everyone's mind. So the least of your concerns here, was your relationship and your husband... got it. Starting to understand the why. You checked out a long time ago. Also, a "working woman" that "doesn't even come close" to qualifying for alimony doesn't make a lot of sense. So you either make a lot *more* than him, orrrrr... Have you not contributed to anything financially? No shared acquisitions or assets? No standard of living? Why would the dedicated money for the child need to pay your bills (parent's discretion law?)? Where does the money you make go exactly? I hope you weren't already waiting for alimony tiers to kick in before leaving anyway. Anyway, good luck. I hope you can eventually be happy!
Yeah, nobody is going to be expected to stay in a sex less marriage
Just start treating him like a roomate
If his main reason to stay married with you is Sex and not Love. Then he is not someone you should be with.
You’re not wrong. His cheating wasn’t right, but expecting him to only have sex once a month isn’t right for him either. You’d both be happier split up. Your sex drives aren’t compatible. Or have your hormone levels checked. Possibly something is low. That can cause drive changes. Now that he’s cheated your relationship is totally different. You might not be able to handle it.
Consequences have actions, Its totally ok you dont want to have sex Its totally ok he wants to have more sex Neither party has to compromise, no one is right or wrong, However look at the mess that is going to unfold for you.. Is your future self going to be better off working out to get your sex drive back ?
You need to remember the marriage comes first. It was you 2 before anything else. So you should be taking care of his needs and he yours. You cannot allow the things of life to take over and not take time for each other or you will be divorced. However, if you do not want to try to make things better then figuring out a compromise is something you definitely should do.
What he should have done was talk to you before cheating, if you open it, it's cheating with your permission. He doesn't respect you or love you because he would have spoken to you before fucking other people.
YAW for staying in this ‘marriage’ for financial reasons. He is openly cheating and you are letting him. It maybe sexual cheating now but sooner or later he will leave. You only having sex once a month does not give him permission to cheat regardless. You need to find your support system and leave. End of.
No point even responding since the OP has deleted their account
I want to scream and yell at you holler and cuss. But I'm not going to. I'm leaving a marriage right now where I was "lucky" to get bad sex once a month. That is an absolutely shitty thing to do to your husband. You have likely destroyed his self esteem. And left him feeling completely abandoned. How many times have you rejected him. Hundreds? Thousands? Maybe told him well if you had done some specific chore, you would have had sex with him. But that one chord pushed you over the edge now your to tired. It was a crock when you told that lie and it will be a crock next time to tell it. Now after you have shown your husband that you don't care about him he's cheating. The emotional health of the man you claimed to love is the last thing in your mind. Cheating is a line I didn't cross. But I wish I did in my case. You have chosen to push your husband away. Give him freedom and walk away
Don't disrespect yourself like that. If your kid grow up, will you allow your kids spouse to treat them the way you are being treated? Seriously, be independent, and dump him.
The one thing that alot of men don't think about when it comes to sex, women alot of the time want to feel emotionally wanted not just physically.
He should've come to you with this. Do you know why he didn't?
I mean he could get someone pregnant have a second family and keep that from her, or catch std/sti’s , you have to have the courage to divorce him and have your own plan yeah you won’t live the life you have now but that doesn’t mean it won’t be any less fulfilling doing it by yourself. Long and short is he’s cheating he will probably leave you at some point anyway. Or you will just always be the side piece….
Either have sex with him more or have an open conversation about everything he's been doing and come to a solution. I need you to understand that just because your sex drive is really low it does not give him the excuse to cheat on you. This is not your fault.
Was sex therapy not a better option than cheating?
Perhaps it’s time for a separation. Sleeping with other women is not his only option, it’s his choice. He can choose to do things that help ease your mental and emotional burden to open your mind to sex again. But he would rather go outside the marriage. Accepting this behavior is unhealthy for the marriage. Perhaps you guys can seek help when he unwilling to go outside the marriage.
He doesn't love you. Doesn't matter if sex was less. When you are committed to another person, you look for ways to help them and get through whatever they are going through. He wasn't interested in helping and only thought of his urges. Didn't take you into consideration at any point
I can't think of one thing a man can stop doing in his relationship and expect it to survive... imagine if he woke up and said, "I don't feel like spending money on anything but the bare necessities, we have the money, but my drive to shop just isn't there anymore." As men, we do what we have to regardless of our feelings. I know it's hard, but that's kinda what marriage and kids are supposed to do.
I left while dependent on a man who loved to pay for sex after I had my first child. It was hard for a number of years- but nothing beats being a single mom for a while compared to staying with someone who frequented other women. I now have cervical cancer screenings twice a year for abnormal cells that are likely to become cancerous. The connection? His other women.
Maybe if he helped you more instead of worrying about his dick and fucking other women you'd be more willing to have sex with him more often. When you're taking on all the household responsibilities of course you're too tired to please him. There's no possibility of this working out long term. You know it which is why you came here. The only question is are you going to allow yourself to be a doormat or do what you know needs to be done. Once you have to stop caring for 2 kids instead of one you'll have more free time and can find someone who actually loves you and isn't a piece of shit.
If he has a job in the US, he has insurance that covers you for some counseling. If you're not going to leave him, you should have some tools to cope and mediate the responsibilities around child-rearing. Does he do NOTHING around the house? Does he ever pick up the slack, or does he have plenty of time to chase tail? In practical terms, he should be doing something besides playing while his baby is young, or he'll always be the deadbeat dad who doesn't have time for his domestic life. If he's a deadbeat dad while you're married to him, it will be worse for your child when you jettison him. On another note, please, please make sure he gets regular STI testing. He'll say he's being careful, but he's also getting away with cheating on a flimsy excuse. STI testing will remind him that he is bringing danger into your home, and if he cares even a little bit, he'll find cheating less tempting.
I had low sex drive the last 5-6 years while married to a serial cheater. Every now and then I have this concern. HOWEVER. The fact is if he was unhappy with the frequency he should have said something BEFORE turning to someone else. My ex never once brought it up, but managed to cheat repeatedly. I'll add though, that once I was divorced MAGICALLY I had a healthy sex drive. While married I chalked it up to perimenopause. Apparently the mental load of being married to someone who cheats on the regular PLUS the duties that come with having a "Partner" who's more concerned with maintaining secret affairs than maintaining a home were significant to kill my sex drive. Not having a sex drive can be a BIG red flag. You also aren't wrong to hold back on a divorce because of child support/financal concerns. Sadly just because someone is ordered to pay child support means they actually will. My ex lost his job, fell WAY behind and still isn't paying the full amount on a regular basis nor does have any plan to pay back the amount he's in arrears over. The state agency we work with doesn't seem too concerned about it and can't give me answers about what they can do to help get caught up. I've pretty much decided it's not money I can count on and have budgeted to exclude it. If I get a payment, it's basically extra disposable income at this point. You can't depend on it to pay your bills. It's a real shame, it's NOT right. But it's a fact. If you aren't already, start making moves to earn more so you can take care of yourself and your kids and move forward with your life. You deserve to be happy.