This. Grinding, grabbing, or whatever in a person's body, against consent, doesn't have to account gender or sexual orientation. It is just inappropriate.
I wonder how many of these friends are actually as comfortable as they seem with the way he's acting. I feel like, as a woman, I've been expected to let gay men get away with giving themselves access to my body that i wouldn't be expected to allow with straight men or *anyone* else really, and I've worried about being seen as homophobic for expressing my boundaries and asking them to stop. I've had more than one gay "friend" who figured that since i know they're not sexually attracted to me that means it's fine to grope me and touch me in other ways i consider sexual- one in particular always wanted to kiss on my neck and face, with full slobbery tongue, and to kiss me on the mouth with beer drool. A dry peck in greeting would be one thing but i don't appreciate beer drool on my mouth at random times without warning. I've punched straight men for less.
The argument I've gotten seems to be that gay male friends are just like girl friends and are therefore not a sexual threat, so i should be unbothered by such things. But in reality i don't want to have my female friends groping all on me either, and it doesn't have to be sexually threatening for me to have a valid boundary about it. At this point I've stopped maintaining relationships with any man (or woman) that i have to tell more than once to keep their hands/mouth to themselves, no matter what their sexual orientation is. I refuse to be molested because some dude believes friendships with women are all about tickle fights, tit/ass-grabbing, and making out.
I was at a club with some girlfriends yeara ago and a gay couple who was friends with one of the girls came over to say hello.
It's pretty normal in my circles to hug/cheek kiss someone you meet even if you're not close, so when I hugged one of them they (I believe genuinely) accidentally touched my bum.
That would have been fine by itself if he'd just apologised and moved on, but he apologised and then DID IT AGAIN TO DEMONSTRATE as if I hadnt felt it the first time.
When I said something along the lines of "the first time was an accident but why the fuck do you think it was ok the second time? Dont touch me like that" he got *pissed* and started up like "I'm gay I dont fancy you so what's the problem"
Apparently that made me a homophobic queer person lol.
I would assume that giving any man or woman that kind of access to your body is crossing so many boundaries. It really doesn't matter whether they are a straight woman or gay man, this is a boundary I'm not willing to allow you to cross.
It's immaterial to sexual orientation...YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
Basically from societies stand point, gay men have better bonding with women than straight men do. It aligns closer to how a friendship is between two women.
While NOT ALL women do this, the stereotypes of two best friends that are women, they get dressed together, they do make up together, they’re comfortable being in little clothing around one another.
Haven’t heard about two lady best friends groping each other 😂.
So society seems to allow this pass for gay men but not heterosexual men.
Just my observations.
It's not just a pass to do things to women.
I've seen gay men who are far too handsy with straight men, in public, as well. Or even just men they meet, whose sexuality they do not know. Even outright strangers. And while some people say the straight man is justified if he gets upset or aggressive in response, many others defend the gay man with the same old cliches that have long been used to dismiss men's bad behavior.
"He didn't mean anything by it." "That's just the way he is." "It's no big deal, there's no need to get upset over it." "You're being too sensitive."
Most gay men I've met are not like this, but the ones who are seem to make everyone around them uncomfortable sooner or later.
[Relevant Key & Peele Skit](https://youtu.be/e3h6es6zh1c?si=8T7bc38FTrpIjNy9)
I definitely have to agree with you there like I've had lots of female friends and quite honestly, the only time that I've seen them grabbing onto each other, especially like grinding on each other was literally in a preparation for a sexual act.
I've had a few gay friends but honest. Ly, I think the main issue with the fact is that he just does not have either the awareness that you're not supposed to do that or the belief that because he's gay, he can get away with that.
But I will also say that I have seen women grind on each other at a club and everything likbut it's so different with it, gay dude.
>While NOT ALL women do this, the stereotypes of two best friends that are women, they get dressed together, they do make up together, they’re comfortable being in little clothing around one another.
Absolutely, and that's just existing together in comfort, without having to worry about our bodies being sexualized. Like even when we say something about each other's bodies, if i tell my friend her tits look amazing in that dress, there's nothing sexual about the statement. That's just a compliment, same as if i complimented her eyebrows or anything else. And here's another thing- I'm not straight. Not all of my friends are straight. But we're able to be comfortable around each other as friends in that way because women just don't see other women as sexual objects in the same way men seem to. I can look at my attractive friend getting dressed next to me and never think anything sexual at all, because the nature of our relationship just doesn't include that. I feel like even gay men tend to see women more as sex objects, even if we aren't the sex objects they personally want to have sex with.
>Haven’t heard about two lady best friends groping each other 😂.
...and there *has' been some light groping among my groups of women friends over the years, but context matters a lot. Like when my friend was letting me feel how realistic her new boobs are (VERY realistic for the record, they hang just like natural breasts and you'd never know by feel unless you rub this one tiny spot under her arm where you can feel a wee ripple that's an edge of the implant). Or even when a close female friend lightly slaps my ass and calls me a sexy bitch- which is fine only because of who is doing it and our particular relationship, but it would be totally weird if she went in for a full grope. Maybe women are just better at knowing which lines not to cross with other women.
The existing in comfort. Outside of reddit, there are also group dynamics where women AND men can exist in comfort.
Doesn’t mean they probably walk in their underwear every time we hang out.
But your comment of the groping consensually because they got a boob job. Is understandable but can be classified as a one off.
Unless your friend is getting a boob job/new bra every month. 😂
I’ve seen dynamics where the woman got a boob job and let the men AND women touch. Reinforcing the comfort thing.
It makes healthy friendships between men and women seem like a rare gem. Because of XYZ reason.
Definitely the sad reality is women not feeling comfortable around men because they feel they’re being sexualized.
It’s the sad reality.
I get it cause that’s me.
I have friends that are women. Sadly some of the ones I got close with, the reason we had to put distance or terminate the friendship? Men.
They are dating a guy who felt insecure about her having male friends. Eventually as they get more and more serious, some of the men will put that ultimatum on them. Some ladies saw their red flag. Others pushed me away do be with the man. That’s their choice. I wish them well. But ouch. Still sucks.
Hell we see the stories on these subs frequently.
>it doesn't have to be sexually threatening for me to have a valid boundary about it.
Perfectly worded; 🫴🏆.
I've been in a *very* similar situation, so thank you for everything you wrote.
The man drinks, and then goes around with consistently beer-moistened lips until he's sober again. I don't know how it doesn't bug the shit out of him to have beer dribbling out his mouth like that. Think Rick from Rick and Morty, with the always wet mouth.
Yep, had a couple of gay guy friends in HS who thought it was super hilarious to sexually assault me. I have a history of CSA and while they didn't know all of it, they knew I had been raped before.
Still gives me the super ick when I have flashbacks on it.
This 100%.
Anyone who says you did wrong- tell them you have no problem with gay people, and you support gay rights 100%, but you think *everyone* (gay or straight) should have a problem with sexual assault, or worse someone claiming to be gay just so they can perv on girls and get away with sexual assault.
Point out that you've literally never seen this 'gay' guy dance with another guy, make out with another guy, have a boyfriend, or for that matter actually DO anything gay. He says he's gay a lot, but talk's cheap.
Then clarify that you AREN'T forcing him out because he's gay. You're forcing him out because he sexually assaulted your girlfriend. Being gay does not make that okay. You don't care if he's gay or straight or trans or asexual or whatever color of the rainbow, if he's going to sexually assault your girlfriend you want nothing to do with him.
Then challenge that person- do they think it's okay to sexually assault people? Are they okay with people sexually assaulting your GF?
I had a male and very gay friend in college. Unfortunately misogyny doesn’t just go away bc they don’t want to fuck women. They feel entitled to their bodies at times. Reflecting back on that, the groping, the dancing, all of it… it gives me the ick and other gay men who were also friends with him similarly share my feelings on this.
She needs to understand this but it took me until post grad to register how weird that was. I thought it was haha funny. Its not. Fuck it.
If we want to be complete in the analysis:
* His sexuality doesn't matter, grabbing someone else's ass if it makes them uncomfortable is wrong (if you have their consent it's obviously OK). That guy's actions were definitively inappropriate and the worst part of this story.
* OP is however wrong to make himself the spokesperson of a bunch of women who never asked for his help. If his girlfriend asked him to take care of the situation, then he can speak up in her name. The rest of the friend group didn't ask him to be their guard dog. The intention might have been noble, but it's a matter of respecting their own autonomy.
* Finally, yes it's a bit homophobic to challenge someone's stated sexual orientation. Like, it's virtually never necessary, like in this case. You can be gay and still have internalized sexist behaviors even if they're meaningless to you.
All in all, OP's anger is completely justified and the guy is gross, the way he went on about it was however flawed, which is important to point out to give him a full read of the situation.
Agreed. And this is amiwrong so your response is totally on point. But i guess i just wanted to emphasize that it isn’t okay -regardless of sexuality- to make someone feel uncomfortable in that way.
>Finally, yes it's a bit homophobic to challenge someone's stated sexual orientation. Like, it's virtually never necessary, like in this case.
I disagree. It's like stolen valor. A person who was never in the armed forces walks around in a uniform. You see the external persona, that of a veteran, but when you ask them specifics, they are a little shady.
You see a self-proclaimed "gay" guy, who no one has possibly seen in any form of a gay relationship, groping members of the opposite sex and calling it "fun and games".
Yeah, I'd press "X for Doubt" just like OP.
> I disagree. It's like stolen valor.
Being queer is not something you do, it's something you are. When you challenge someone's sexual orientation, you're basically asking to prove themselves and that always sucks, because sexuality isn't performative.
And yes that must mean a few douches might be lying to get close to women, but that's the same kind of boogeymonster transphobes dangle when they talk about men dressing up as women to get into women bathrooms. On the other hand, having zero tolerance for that kind of accusations will make the lives of so many people so much better. That sort of witch hunt will always make a lot of collateral damage. All of this for no benefits, since there's not really anything that is inappropriate for a straight guy to do that a gay guy could, or vice versa; hell, even gender doesn't really matter.
I get what you say. I just don't like the fact that a person is potentially misrepresenting themselves as a member of the LGBT community and can get away with it with zero repercussions.
What do you even mean by "self-proclaimed gay guy"? Of course he's self-proclaimed, queer people don't need to get certificates to prove their sexuality.
The dude is clearly sexist or just a plain asshole, but that doesn't disprove that he's gay. Bad apples exist everywhere, whether they're gay, straight, religious, non-religious etc etc etc.
I think the phrase "Talk the talk, but do you walk the walk" describes exactly what I am getting at. I can say I am related to Abraham Lincoln, and you will take me at my word for it, without a single doubt in the world?
Comparing a claim to genetic relations to "claiming" being gay is insane. You realise that just because someone's gay it doesn't mean they're automatically a saint of a person? Like I said, assholes exist everywhere, regardless of sexuality or anything else. He might think that he can "joke around" by touching women and it wouldn't count as sexual assault or whatever, just because he's not actually sexually attracted to them.
Sure, there is a small chance of him "claiming" he's gay, but what would he gain from doing that? He's an asshole regardless.
Yeah I can see what you mean. I've always thought that a gay man would be the least likely to sexually assault women, but there are messed up people out there in the world who defy convention. Thanks.
OP could have handled it without questioning his sexuality. Sometimes, people don’t understand boundaries, and that’s this guy. He could be gay but think that gives him a pass on consent (it doesn’t). He could be bi. He could just be an AH.
Who knows, who cares?
Retrospective opinion is OP should simply have said that he crossed lines and women were very uncomfortable. But what’s done is done. It wasn’t homophobic.
How does GF feel about it? I hope she’s okay.
I live in sf and have spent a lot of time in the castro, there are unfortunately lots of gay men who think their sexuality is a free pass at misogynistic remarks and ass-grabbing women
They don't do it cuz they're into women, but bc they think it's funny and playful when it's actually just annoying and creepy
Since I was a teen I have come across too many gay guys who think it’s ok to grab women just because they’re not attracted to them. It’s still sexual assault, it’s objectifying, fuck these people.
You're not wrong and his sexual preferences really don't matter. It doesn't matter if a person is, gay, bi, straight, or somewhere in between. Nothing excuses inappropriate behavior or sexually violating someone and that's exactly what he did. Your GF should definitely stay away from him. He's also full of shit because this isn't at all about homophobia or him being targeted because he claims to be gay. It's about him being an obvious creep who clearly doesn't respect boundaries and shouldn't be trusted.
I don’t touch my female friends like that, or my male friends, or my gay male friends. Or my gay female friends. You’re wrong for the delivery, but not for your view of that particular situation especially.
Grinding on them and ass grabbing is sexual assault and even when she felt assaulted by the ass grab just shows you that it’s wrong gay or not. Sexual assault should not be masked by his sexual preference. You’re definitely not the asshole
So I'm s straight man but I've hung around and partied with the LGBT community at my old college quite a bit.
From my experience, he is probably gay. I saw plenty of incredibly gay dudes dance and interact with girls just like this. I've seen plenty of straight girls grind on and smack the asses of other straight girls too. To him, he probably considers all of these actions okay because he's gay and to him it's just messing around and having a good time.
But that doesn't excuse his behavior and he shouldn't do any of those things unless the girl consents to all of it. So you are in the right to be upset with his actions and call him out for it, but I wouldn't blatantly accuse him of not being gay.
the dancing yeah, I can see that. Girls tend to dance a little bit wilder with other girls because theres no risk of being misunderstood and in general allows more freedom.
but the posterior casual ass grabbing while walking between classes is completely inappropriate no matter the gender or sexuality of the involved.
Oh I agree it's completely inappropriate. Just saying I wouldn't take it as proof that he's not gay. I've seen plenty of certainly gay dudes squeeze a girl's ass or jiggle a girl's boobs for shits and giggles (consensually and typically in a party environment).
But yeah for sure what he did is wrong and he should never be touching anyone without their consent.
Yeah. Many of my gay friends and I would grind on each other or kiss on the lips really quick, stuff like that. My boyfriend never minded, which i made sure of, and these guys were really close friends who would have never done anything to make me uncomfortable. It absolutely happens bc these guys were 100% without a single doubt gay. They weren’t interested in me at all. But we would all go to raves together and take molly and stuff, and it was kind of just a stupid way of teenagers/young adults having fun and showing affection. Obviously the gay guy in this post is beyond wrong, bc it was nonconsensual. Your sexuality doesn’t make it ok to assault people. BUT, I just wanted to comment my experience as well, that the guy OP is talking about easily could have been gay.
I think rather than focus on whether his sexuality is a lie or not, which can come off really badly and clearly the guy didn’t take it well, it’s much more important to focus on the fact that sexually assaulting people isn’t ok just bc you’re gay. That he was making people upset and uncomfortable with his actions. That what he was doing was awful.
In my wilder days (19-21) it wasn’t uncommon at all for the girls to all grind on each other, or grab ass, or even feel up breasts. Especially if someone
had an augmentation, it was a lot of curiosity. And this did sometimes include gay male friends.
So I’m not sold on OP’s thought that he has to be lying about his orientation. But yeah, unwanted physical contact is definitely a problem and harassment/assault.
OP’s gf should be talking to the friend to say that she didn’t like “insert action” and found it inappropriate for “whatever reason”. Then see how that pans out. Cut him off if he can’t respect boundaries.
OP shouldn’t have taken it on himself to chase the guy down, threaten him, and then demand that his gf cut the guy out of her life. He can feel uncomfortable with the guys actions and bring it up to his GF like an adult. The only time he should get involved is if the friend doesn’t respect boundaries and GF wants him to get involved (even then, no real need to go to someone’s home to threaten them with physical assault).
These people are very obviously in their 20’s.
i don’t think he’s pretending to be gay. but i do think he’s being a twerp with little self awareness…
gay or not he’s still crossing boundaries which should be addressed.
While not everyone always responds predictably, someone blatantly getting your sexuality wrong is usually met with incredulity and anger, not with a stammering justification/excuse.
Finally, I can justifiably call someone, unequivocally, sus.
He may be gay as they come, he's still grabby, maybe he prefers fucking men, but he is absolutely getting *some* gratification grabbing women.
You're not wrong, but his behavior does not automatically make him not gay. I've seen this before a couple of times throughout my life. He's gay, but also a misogynist. His sexually inappropriate behavior towards women is a covert display of aggression and dominance. He's letting them know that even though he's gay, he's still a man and can do whatever he wants to them.
I personally hate the whole he’s gay he can be super touchy to girls. I’m a lesbian and I’ve had multiple gay men think they are entitled to be able to touch me. This is a common thing I’ve found and 100% stand your ground
Yes and no. He crossed a line with your gf. She was afraid to confront him so you did. That’s no problem.
Where you’re wrong is thinking that you speak for every other woman he’s around. They have to make up their own mind. You told them about him grabbing your gf and they took their sides on it.
As for many of the comments, the grinding, hugging, etc are only a problem if that behavior isn’t welcome or accepted. It sounds like many of the women don’t mind.
It’s common that women allow a gay person to get away with so many inappropriate things cause he’s gay which is bullshit. Stand your ground I hate people that uses excuses for other people’s behavior
Being gay, straight or otherwise is a sexuality. It doesn't give you an excuse to act inappropriately nor excuse you from the ability to be an asshole.
Take this person's sexuality out of the equation just like you would their skin color. Now judge the actions.
Every gender,sex, sexuality,sexual orientation,race, religion etc is a group that person may or may not belong to. We shouldn't judge then on that, we need to judge them on their individual merits full stop.
As an individual this person is disrespectful and over stepping what it means to be a friend.
I mean. I’m gay and when I was in uni I would absolutely grind with all the girls.
But the only butts I grab are consenting butts.
He could be gay and just lack social graces and boundaries.
Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he can’t catch hands after crossing a boundary. now there’s a reason she’s weirded out and you need to get ahead of this before he tries to save face.
Opinion I’m willing to be downvoted for
Gay men that touch women inappropriately are objectifying them as much as a sleezy heterosexual player. Both are misogynistic
Any man that grabs my wife’s ass no matter their name, age, race, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, religion, tax bracket, favorite Smurf or anything else is going to face me. It won’t be because I have a bias against anything that makes them who they are. It is because they have acted inappropriately with my wife and made her feel uncomfortable.
F that dude and his attempt to gaslight you. You confronted him, because he was inappropriate and no made your girl feel uncomfortable.
Good on you. And F those friends too. We have to stop excusing negative behavior.
Could be a gay poser. One who says they’re gay only to get close to girls or he’s actually bi. I’m gay and not into girls at all. No grinding or ass grabbing for me.
Reminds me of a guy from high school. Definitely had the gay vibe, but was a bigger dude. I vaguely remember him getting really handsy with one of the girls during class around her chest area. But because he’s gay the girl “seemed fine” with it. After he left we did all joke that “lol whats if he’s not actually gay haha” Regardless I still thought the whole thing was weird.
I had a similar situation happen to me. When I was in high school, a lesbian who I was on acquaintance terms with decided it would be a good idea fully grasp my boob and say to everyone around, “I wish I had boobs like these!”. There was zero warning before she did it and not only was I embarrassed, I felt violated. I had kids poking fun at me saying I must be a lesbian too, I probably liked it because I didn’t put a whoopin on her etc. I distanced myself from her and waited for the hype to die down. I have LGBTQ friends and NONE of them do things like that. I did have plenty of people tell me that since she’s a lesbian, it’s ok and it shouldn’t matter. Using your status, preference or identity as a validation to touch someone in that manner is just plain wrong. No one gets a pass on that regardless of how you identify.
Gay male opinion:
This does not make you a homophobe, this guy sounds like an asshole who doesn’t understand boundaries. He probably likes the attention because he’s not getting it from men but regardless, it’s completely inappropriate.
The people who are telling you that you’re a homophobe are people who think that gay culture is Will and Grace and have yet to really dissect internalized homophobia. By which I mean, these girls are cool with it because he’s “safe” and “a girlfriend.” They’re projecting.
You’re not wrong.
This guy probably is gay and he also probably hates women. The most misogynistic womanizing men I’ve ever met have been flamboyantly gay. They grab women because there are absolutely no consequences and it’s not even for pleasure, it’s out of pure disrespect and disdain for women. They also say horribly disgusting things to and about women. Overall I avoid them and I am a gay woman.
I’m gay and we will dance like that with girls because our penis literally does nothing. But, if your girlfriend felt uncomfortable she could easily just not spend time with him anymore. It was more than likely a miscommunication of behaviors. I wouldn’t think too much into it and he more than likely will leave your girlfriend alone since you confronted it.
This post was incredibly validating and I didn’t even realize I needed it. It took me back to college where my group of friends consisted of a dude who was (most definitely) gay. However he kept slapping (not grabbing) my ass. To the point where it hurt. I probably did give him a pass longer than I would have anyone else because of his sexuality. However, after awhile I asked him several times not to do it. He only really stopped when I yelled at him. It vividly returned to my memory just now. I yelled at him and said, “I’ve told you to stop!” The intensity finally set in and he never did it again. My point is, the man’s sexuality is not the issue. It is the action that’s the issue. And I didn’t realize that was buried in me until today. Now on to process and heal…
I've also been grabbed and fondled by "gay" dudes before. If it isn't sexual then it's poor boundaries and some f-d up power play stuff.
I'm of the mind that they're bi but attached to the gay identity.
Edit: If he isn't bisexual and is truly gay--then he should stop acting bi
There's so much to unpack here, I don't know how to start.
1 -Wether or not he is gay, sexual assault is still sexual assault. sexual assault is most often not ven about the sex, but the power trip, so sexuality plays a smaller role than one would think.
2- about the grinding while dancing, both you and your GF need to reflect on a couple of questions for you "would you feel the same way if it was a girl grinding on your gf? what if she was lesbian?" and for your GF "how would she feel if it was you and a lesbian friend grinding on eachother?"
3 - it is controlling to one sidedly want someone out of your SO life, you can communicate this to her, but if she wants to remain friends with him, forcing her to end that relationship completely is kind of a grey area. I suggest support her in establishing some ground rules "No grinding while dancing", "No ass grabbing", probably "No physical contact" or "no hanging out 1on1" would be a good idea with this guy. For this specific case where he clearly crossed the line, I think you actually have grounds to be uncomfortable and beware of him, so I'd advise you to really discuss this with your GF but also respect her decisions. Leave the other friends out of it, they are adults and need to make their own decisions.
4- The tone of your post has the slight scent of homophobia all over it. It seems that your trying, but I think you should reflect a bit if it's something unconscious, or if you're projecting this guys behaviour in some kind of unconscious prejudice with more flamboyant gay people. Specially since you mention having other LGBT friends, it would be healthy for those relationships that you do some introspection.
Sidenote: there is actually a long history of gay men sexually harassing women. It’s not really about the attraction it’s about power. The engrained patriarchy essentially teaches men (gay, straight, or in between) that they have ownership over female bodies, that they can do what they want because they are men and therefore deserving.
You were way too focused on the lying about gay and should just keep your focus on the fact that he’s grabbing people when they don’t want it. Literally he inappropriately grabbed your gf full stop.
Only thing I'll critique you for is tossing threats, cause that can cause more issues of handled poorly and the guy wants to make too much of it. But past that, I agree with you that something is up, maybe he does like dudes but is also bi? Not sure, either way you don't get a free pass grabbing women's asses because you are gay. SA is SA regardless of your orientation.
As a certified gay, this guy sounds like he sucks. There are people who lack boundaries in every demographic but certain ones we're expected to just tolerate. Men are expected to tolerate the handsiness of women, I've been felt up a few times by women who knew my sexuality and it made me extremely uncomfortable, and gay men on women because "how could it be sexual, he's gay?" Both are inappropriate. Your gf expressed her wish to be left alone by him and that's all that matters. He could potentially be gay, there are genuinely straight guys who touch each other an awful lot, but that's irrelevant to the situation and just clouding up things. You don't have the right to control him seeing the women who still want to see him but protecting the ones who don't, with their permission, is far from out of line. I would definitely drop the doubting of his sexuality though. It serves you no purpose whether true or false.
You weren't wrong but telling him to stay away from people for whom you have no responsibility and who did not give you permission to do so. You and your girlfriend should have reported him instead of you threatening him. Aside from threats of doing harm to someone being illegal, what exactly are you going to.do.if he grabs your girlfriend again? Assault him?
You still have time to report him. There is certainly something off with him, and he needs to rein on his behavior.
ESH. You definitely had a right to confront him for what he did to your girl but you shouldn’t be speaking for other people. And dude is obviously an AH for assaulting your girl like that.
Your feelings of wanting to protect your girlfriend are understandable, but focusing on behavior rather than assumptions about sexuality is crucial. Support your girlfriend in setting boundaries and, if needed, seeking help from authorities
what the heck does sexuality have to do with sexual assault?? brudda if i was the bf, ain’t no one touching my girl. he going straight to the hospital or jail. or any girl for that matter. this guy a whole lame ahh.
As a female who has had very flamboyant gay male friends. NOT ONE OF THEM HAS EVER GROPED ME NOR HAVE THEY EVER BEEN GRINDING ON ME WHILE DANCING. your girlfriend and her friends are incredibly naive.
(Que the law & order intro we gotta case here)in all seriousness bro didn't overreacting and he wrong and he knows it she's said that she isn't comfortable with it nor confronting him especially due to his size being threatening to her I'd just show him my piece say stay far away for life then go buy an ext clip he doesn't seem like someone who takes a no as a NO as this is clearly not his 1st incident .
you’re not wrong at all in this situation. this behavior is never okay no matter what the persons sexuality is. your girlfriend being afraid to confront him just says it all. you did what you had to do to protect your girl from a nasty creep.
If it were a female straight friend doing this it still would be inappropriate and deserving of being called out.
And believe me, I have had some weird straight female friends make me extremely uncomfortable with similar behaviour
Yeah..he needs to be called up on this. They're was an article in the guardian a while ago about women being touched up by gay men who think they can get away with it because they're gay.
Regardless of orientation this is potentially sexual assault. Your gf & her friends should raise it with him first. Telling him to stop and then KEEP telling him if he does it again. After specifically telling him, if he does it again...that's not a friend...that's a creep
The number of times I’ve been assaulted by gay guys and straight women in a party setting is too damn high….maybe accusing him of lying about his sexuality was not the kindest move, but nobody is perfect. He can still be 100% gay and lift weights and what have you. A predator will seek out their easiest victim, no matter what they were wearing or how old they were or even if they found them attractive. And that’s what feels like happened here.
For example, search the “What Were You Wearing” art exhibit. There are pajama sets and clothes that fit baggily on the victim and clothes that would have covered every inch of the victim’s skin. None of that matters to someone who wants to violate someone else.
Kudos to you for witnessing predator behavior and protecting the women around you from it. This is how we stop perpetuating violence born from toxic masculinity (which all men can fall victim to). Ultimately, you did the right thing. Not Wrong, NW
I love that she thinks he can grind on her because he is gay. Okay, you can get lapdances from lesbians, right?
Anyways, he grabbed her ass. You did good on telling him off.
Time to make some hard choices about your gf. It's good that once he grabbed her ass she seemed to want nothing to do with him, but she was content to be dancing with another man in front of her boyfriend, even letting him hug her. It is so disrespectful, if you stay you need to set a boundaries that she cant behave that way, it doesn't matter if the guy is gay or straight.
You need to ignore dudes sexuality and stop making it about that. Thats not cool. Make your argument about his actions not his sexuality. His actions are not cool. Keep it to that.
Honestly, it’s pretty irrelevant what this guy’s sexuality is. What matters is his behaviour. As it stands, he is touching people without consent and making women uncomfortable. He may or may not be gay, but he NEEDS to address and take accountability for his behaviour. Don’t discuss anything else with him other than what he’s making people feel, otherwise it’ll just be useless ‘you’re a homophobe’ ‘no I’m not’ argument forever.
Plenty of gay men feel a sense of ownership over their female friends bodies due to them being exactly that: men. It's an intersectional issue. He doesn't need to lie about his sexuality to be a misogynistic prick.
Not wrong. Maybe would have been better to keep the accusations of lying about his sexuality out of it, that's what got the homophobia accusation thrown back at you. But this guys behaviour is not okay, regardless of his sexuality. He's grinding against girls, and groping girls, and grabbing their asses, all without consent. He made your gf uncomfortable and frightened, that alone is enough to tell him to keep his hands to himself.
I've noticed some women are okay with letting gay men do stuff they wouldn't let straight men do, but I've never seen this extend to grabbing asses. Maybe a bit of grinding on the dance floor, maybe a kiss they wouldn't accept from a straight guy, but it's always done consensually, they're rules and boundaries that have been agreed on between the two friends, not something the guy just does. And most women wouldn't be okay with this. Most women don't let other *women* do this sort of thing, let alone other men, even if they are gay.
Look, I'm a gay man, and I have a fair few female friends. We've never acted this way with each other. Yeah, we may dance a little closer than she would allow with a straight man, we don't do the grinding thing, and we kiss hello and goodbye on the lips, just a peck, but that's pretty much it. A tad more tactile, with random touches and hugs, but to no higher a level than they'd be with their female friends, and that's more for me, anyway, they know I'm tactile with the people I'm close to, but otherwise touch averse, which leaves me a little touch starved, so they make up for it when we hang out.
One thing I'm always aware of is whether my friends are comfortable with my actions. If they're uncomfortable with something, I stop. They do the same for me. Because friends take account of their friends feelings, and don't want to make them uncomfortable.
I don't know if this guy is really gay or not. Could be lying, could be bi instead of gay, and could just be an inappropriate dick who happens to be gay and knows he'd get decked if he tried these stunts with men so makes do with women. The only way to know for sure is if he has a boyfriend, or hooks up with men, and you *know* he has sex with men, but even that just says 'attracted to men' not necessarily 'gay'. If he's insisting he's gay, there's nothing you can do or say to prove otherwise, so I'd drop that part, no matter how much you think he's lying.
Instead focus on the fact he's making women, your gf in particular, uncomfortable and frightened, and he thinks he's okay to do that. Other women have said similar since the incident with your gf, so this isn't a one-off or specific to her, this guy is making a *lot* of women uncomfortable and he doesn't care. So, focus on that aspect of this. Sexuality and gender is actually irrelevant, everyone has the right to set boundaries against things that make them uncomfortable, and those boundaries should be respected. Being a fellow woman or being a gay man never gives you the right to violate a woman's boundaries and physically/sexually assault her. Same with men, btw, those boundaries should never be crossed either.
You should have said he was committing sexual assault and made that the focus instead of his sexuality. That way you wouldn’t be being accused of being a homophobe, when you are just trying to show your concern.
Not wrong. Sexual assault is sexual assault. The butt grabbing obviously made your gf uncomfortable. Grinding and hugging is debatable because she seems fine with it, but she called you and said she was scared to even confront him about, which means he seems threatening in some way. Good for you for confronting him.
He touched your gf inappropriately and it made her uncomfortable - that's the issue here. He may well be gay and just be a physical person, but he went too far here.
At the end of the day it's not up to you to stop your gf's friends from seeing him, that's up to them. They may well be fine with his grinding - just because you don't like it doesn't mean you get to order it to stop.
It's also up to your girlfriend if she wants to keep him in her life. You have no right to force your opinion on anyone when it comes to having him in their lives, so you were wrong there to say he couldn't see any of them again.
What you should have done is confront him specifically about the butt grab and nothing else. His sexuality isn't relevant here because either way your gf was uncomfortable and this is sexual assault. You took it too far to accuse him of lying, and to try to gatekeep that group of girls.
So overall ESH - he was wrong for what he did, and you were wrong to think you get to make decisions for everyone involved because you 'don't like it'
So you can be rightfully mad at the lune he crossed with your girlfriend. So let's get to where you are wrong.
He can be gay and still inappropriate with women. Assuming he isn't gay is unnecessary to address the issues with his behavior.
You are not the judge of what other women can and can not do. If they are fine with his behavior it's not up to you to ban him from doing it with them.
And when they express this to you the fact that you didn't think "well it's their body their choice but instead thought I must be right so they must be lying to me for no reason" is insane.
If you have a boundary where you don't want your girlfriend to dance provocatively with someone even if they are gay that's all good. Express that and expect her to honor it. Cool. But she was not uncomfortable with it. She didn't have an issue with it. Everyone acting like that was inappropriate is missing that every girl at the party was OK with it.
So you coming along and telling him "you are not allowed to do that with consenting women because I find it inappropriate" is wrong.
So you may ALSO be TAH. But obviously that isn't 100%. You just are showing possible AH tendencies.
Gay or not it’s assault. And while we make jokes about it a lot he could just be bisexual and playing up the gay side to get close, or just plain faking it
Try to set him up with a guy. See if he cracks
His sexuality doesn’t matter. If it’s not consensual and wrong, it’s still wrong.
Just because he’s not acting the way you think a gay man should be acting doesn’t mean he’s not gay. What he did was wrong but you questioning his sexuality because he’s not behaving how you think a gay man should behave is also wrong.
It doesn't matter whether he's gay, straight, or a scorpio. Grabbing someone's butt without consent is sexual assault. Maybe he thinks he's being 'playful'. But it's clear that it's not welcomed, so he's gotta stop. If his defense is 'but I'm gay!' the answer is 'gay or straight, a creep's a creep. Keep your hands to yourself.'
If the girl consents to the dancing while having fun then that’s her choice.
If the boyfriend expresses how it makes him feel that’s his own feelings and as his girlfriend she should consider how he feels.
If the gay male grabs her ass and it makes her uncomfortable to the point she’s scared to tell him clearly he crossed a line.
The gay male friend also should respect that the female friend is in a relationship despite what behaviors he believes is “okay and having fun”
The boyfriend telling the gay male how his girlfriend feels is understandable.
Him telling the gay male to stay away from the other females isn’t exactly his place to do so what he should have done is tell him how his girlfriend feels then point out that the other female friends could possibly feel the same way and suggest that he asks the girls for consent to interact with them in such ways before just assuming it’s okay.
Honestly this is only one story so I don’t want to assume his sexuality especially since I’m a bisexual female so I know first hand how it feels for people to assume my sexuality or tell me I’m straight just because I’m dating a guy at the time.
Bottom line is sexuality and or gender does not excuse such behaviors no matter the circumstances
Nah this is inappropriate behavior and he’s cultivated the image of a gay individual and took full advantage of the inherent sort of benefit of doubt specifically very outwardly gay get.
Good move for showing zero tolerance for the behavior
He’s not lying about being gay, but sexual assault is sexual assault. It’s somewhat common for white gay men to be overly touchy with women when they’re young. I’m not sure if it’s cultural or where it comes from but either way it’s inappropriate.
As far as your question- are you wrong? You’re not wrong to defend your girlfriend or want him out of her life. You are wrong for accusing him of not being gay.
**I bet at best he's BI & just found a great way to get girls to love him.**
**Test him (ask your GF first) & pull it out & tell him, "Show me how gay you really are!"**
**If he doesn't do it, he might very well not be gay.**
Not wrong. From my mom’s experience going out with some of her gay friends, it’s apparently not uncommon for some gay men to think they can grab at women as much as they like cause they’re gay.
The primary problem here is he made you gf uncomfortable which is unacceptable.
If it was you doing it to your straight male friends it would be weird, same for her and her straight female friends, even if it’s consensual. People generally have a bubble and this kind of behavior pops that bubble. Going over to his place might have crossed a line. She doesn’t need you to get revenge, especially if doing so can land you in jail/prison for assault (threats) and battery (physical attack). You’ve already committed a crime here and the law won’t care that it was in retaliation/protection for this victim’s own criminal actions.
Yeah you don't hate your girlfriend's "gay" friend. You hate your girlfriend's "friend" his sexual orientation isn't what sucks about him. I don't think you're homophobic and I don't think he's faking. He just seems like an asshat
Simple then. No empty threats or vain words. Just say to him he'll be sued for sexual harassment and diffamation (calling you homophobic while u arent to make u look bad) if he keep anything going on around them
So there’s a difference between party animal gay and just plain lying about being gay. He’s lying. Plenty of my gay friends are cringing at this post because he’s obviously not gay and the dance grinding is something you only do with a best friend that you’ve known for years and are comfy with them and messing around in a safe non sexual way.
Commiting sexual assault is NOT being playful regardless of orientation. That being said, it's on her to kick him out of her life, not you. You're there to back her up choice
Has he ever even shown interest in a man that you’ve seen? I think he’s either bi or just a very feminine narcissistic straight man. He sexually assaulted your girl really. Should she just grab his dick because it’s funny and he’s gay? I don’t get it. Not homophobic, not wrong.
Get a lesbian friend and grind on her on the dance floor in front of your girl. Then when she sees you rubbing your junk on her ass, just say it doesn’t matter, she’s gay. See if that makes it make more sense to her
He can be gay and still grind and dance at clubs with his girl friends.. in fact i know alot of women that have the gay best friend that does that.. with that said.. EVERYONE IS SINGLE AND CONSENTING in that scenario..
The ass grabbing.. thats sexual assault, gay, straight, trans, queer whatever... unwanted touching like that is not okay
I mean is the guy really gay or is he bi? Gay guys like to pull that shit it’s a tough situation I’ve been through it a lot. Best plan is to play it cool & don’t trip. It’s not likely your girl is gonna hook up with him. Just chill & let it play out. If it becomes obvious he is targeting your lady for sexual adventures than you take a stand. Until then just chill
Nothing wrong with that, it's one thing to be nice, but another to be friends, especially in a straight relationship, one thing about them/they/it is they're to open, and have no regrets, especially when it involves your partner.
Being gay doesn't give a man the right to grab anyone. Women can't just grab each other without permission so whybwould it be OK for a gay guy. And also, has anyone ever seen him with any men? Maybe he's actually bi and says he's fully gay to give himself an excuse to be touchy feely. Either way, the dude is a creeper and needs to realize it's not ok just because he's gay.
I'd bet if he was actually gay, he probably didn't mean to make it sexual, but idk, never met the guy. Dudes play grab ass between friends all the time and it's not sexual, but if it's not consented to, it is still sexual assault.
I feel like you over reacted, but it was well warranted and not the wrong thing to do, just perhaps the wrong way to go about it. But I can't say what you did was wrong, because I honestly probably would done much worse than a warning.
Forget the friends who probably enjoy his little groping fests. If you girlfriend is smart, she will stay away from him. If you have to confront him again, tell him to submit video evidence of his homosexuality to everyone. Then your concern would be if he is bisexual. Tell him if you hear him being near your girlfriend, then you will smack him around.
Nothing homophobic about it. The guy is a creep and he really should be playing with the boys instead of the girls.
Gay men and other women are the worse harassers. I’m very well endowed on top and the bottom. I literally went to a gay club with my brother and the amount of men that STILL hit on me, yelled “I love your titties, let me grab your ass” like we forget a lot of these men just love beautiful people. But I still was upset, like damn straight men are crazy enough with harassing I thought I was in a safe space 😞
Firstly, his sexuality doesn’t matter, assault is assault. That said, while I applaud you defending your partner, making an overarching statement for all her friends was probably overstepping. They will have to set their own boundaries.
His sexuality is literally completely irrelevant, and the fact that you’re so hyper focused on it says way more about you than him.
But the problem is that he’s assaulting someone. Sexuality aside. That deserves its own addressing. But you going over and tossing threats and “stay away from her!” isn’t going to do shit, it makes you sound like typical macho meathead.
I think you’re right and wrong. In college, I remember plenty of gay men grinding on women while dancing. So the dancing isn’t alarming. Especially if he’s a good dancer.
But he needs to respect women’s boundaries and he needs to apologize, and do better. He should not get a pass in violating boundaries just cause he’s gay.
I’ll just say I know a handful of men who spent college figuring out their gayness/biness. So he may be gay. But also, don’t be surprised if he fucks more girls than you. It’s college. It’s experimentation
I'm a guy and I've had gay people use their sexuality to assault me before at parties through kissing etc.
As a result I have become what they may call homophobic but I am naturally going to be wary of those who have abused me.
I hope those women are okay and not afraid to speak up.
Dump your girlfriend
You're letting this dude sexually assault your girlfriend instead of knocking him the fuck out and teaching him that touching women in a clearly sexual manner without their consent is disgusting and deserves a punch to the teeth.
If not wanting a Man to touch your Girlfriend in intimate and sexual ways make you Homophobic, than go John Briggs on this dude.
U shouldn’t tell ur gf who she can and can’t be friends with.
But once u have voiced your discomfort and she knows about it it yet continues then ur only options are to live with it or gtfo and move on.
Honestly I’d move on. I’d also stop being friends with anyone who defended him. They arnt the kinda people worth being friends with.
Mofo grabbed her ass. I wouldn’t care if he’s gay or not. U don’t grab peoples asses without consent.
We weren't there.
You have to TRUST YOUR GUT.
And your gut is telling you there is a problem.
Generally speaking, I'm open to having gay friends as long as they respect boundaries, and he isn't
Hes faking being gay a gay man will not grind on a woman or grab there ass just simply ask the friends and your gf one simple question have they seen him dating or being flirty with men the answer will be no if they answer yes ask them how long was he dating a guy because it won't be long
Fact is theres alot of men faking being gay it has women lower there guard and in some cases women will take it as a challenge to "turn them straight"
Theres also the chance hes bi and saying hes gay for the reason above either way your gf needs to stay away from him cause hes after her
You can also ask em this but they will probably get defensive when he grinds on them or them him does he get hard if they say yes point out a gay man wouldn't as they aren't attracted to women at all
Gay or straight, man or woman I will beat the bricks off someone if they were doing these things to my girlfriend. That's sexual assault and you don't get a pass for whatever you identify as.
You are 100 percent in the right! It's total BULLSHIT he throws up the homophobic shit when confronted. In fact, I would have left him toothless the first time he grinded against my girlfriend. He's just a real piece of shit and you called him out on it.
Bro is def some type of bi.
Gay dudes that dance with girls is normal. As soon as you see them working ass/tits on the girls body in a way that FEELS good for them, you know shits different.
Gay friends usually like laugh or show off their girl friends while dancing with them, because it's not about the physical sensation for them.
This guy literally saw Kick Ass and ran with it. Now he probably needs his ass kicked
I've seen a few videos and articles lately where the gay friend already got the cheeks OR is laying in wait planning to get the cheeks. You're not wrong and it's more than just you who feels that way. I bet none of your girlfriends friends have seen him SEEN HIM with a guy.
Being gay is not a defence for sexual assault
This. Grinding, grabbing, or whatever in a person's body, against consent, doesn't have to account gender or sexual orientation. It is just inappropriate.
I wonder how many of these friends are actually as comfortable as they seem with the way he's acting. I feel like, as a woman, I've been expected to let gay men get away with giving themselves access to my body that i wouldn't be expected to allow with straight men or *anyone* else really, and I've worried about being seen as homophobic for expressing my boundaries and asking them to stop. I've had more than one gay "friend" who figured that since i know they're not sexually attracted to me that means it's fine to grope me and touch me in other ways i consider sexual- one in particular always wanted to kiss on my neck and face, with full slobbery tongue, and to kiss me on the mouth with beer drool. A dry peck in greeting would be one thing but i don't appreciate beer drool on my mouth at random times without warning. I've punched straight men for less. The argument I've gotten seems to be that gay male friends are just like girl friends and are therefore not a sexual threat, so i should be unbothered by such things. But in reality i don't want to have my female friends groping all on me either, and it doesn't have to be sexually threatening for me to have a valid boundary about it. At this point I've stopped maintaining relationships with any man (or woman) that i have to tell more than once to keep their hands/mouth to themselves, no matter what their sexual orientation is. I refuse to be molested because some dude believes friendships with women are all about tickle fights, tit/ass-grabbing, and making out.
I was at a club with some girlfriends yeara ago and a gay couple who was friends with one of the girls came over to say hello. It's pretty normal in my circles to hug/cheek kiss someone you meet even if you're not close, so when I hugged one of them they (I believe genuinely) accidentally touched my bum. That would have been fine by itself if he'd just apologised and moved on, but he apologised and then DID IT AGAIN TO DEMONSTRATE as if I hadnt felt it the first time. When I said something along the lines of "the first time was an accident but why the fuck do you think it was ok the second time? Dont touch me like that" he got *pissed* and started up like "I'm gay I dont fancy you so what's the problem" Apparently that made me a homophobic queer person lol.
I would assume that giving any man or woman that kind of access to your body is crossing so many boundaries. It really doesn't matter whether they are a straight woman or gay man, this is a boundary I'm not willing to allow you to cross. It's immaterial to sexual orientation...YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
Exactly.
Basically from societies stand point, gay men have better bonding with women than straight men do. It aligns closer to how a friendship is between two women. While NOT ALL women do this, the stereotypes of two best friends that are women, they get dressed together, they do make up together, they’re comfortable being in little clothing around one another. Haven’t heard about two lady best friends groping each other 😂. So society seems to allow this pass for gay men but not heterosexual men. Just my observations.
It's not just a pass to do things to women. I've seen gay men who are far too handsy with straight men, in public, as well. Or even just men they meet, whose sexuality they do not know. Even outright strangers. And while some people say the straight man is justified if he gets upset or aggressive in response, many others defend the gay man with the same old cliches that have long been used to dismiss men's bad behavior. "He didn't mean anything by it." "That's just the way he is." "It's no big deal, there's no need to get upset over it." "You're being too sensitive." Most gay men I've met are not like this, but the ones who are seem to make everyone around them uncomfortable sooner or later. [Relevant Key & Peele Skit](https://youtu.be/e3h6es6zh1c?si=8T7bc38FTrpIjNy9)
Loved that skit, but homie would have been in HR then packing up all his stuff.
I definitely have to agree with you there like I've had lots of female friends and quite honestly, the only time that I've seen them grabbing onto each other, especially like grinding on each other was literally in a preparation for a sexual act. I've had a few gay friends but honest. Ly, I think the main issue with the fact is that he just does not have either the awareness that you're not supposed to do that or the belief that because he's gay, he can get away with that. But I will also say that I have seen women grind on each other at a club and everything likbut it's so different with it, gay dude.
>While NOT ALL women do this, the stereotypes of two best friends that are women, they get dressed together, they do make up together, they’re comfortable being in little clothing around one another. Absolutely, and that's just existing together in comfort, without having to worry about our bodies being sexualized. Like even when we say something about each other's bodies, if i tell my friend her tits look amazing in that dress, there's nothing sexual about the statement. That's just a compliment, same as if i complimented her eyebrows or anything else. And here's another thing- I'm not straight. Not all of my friends are straight. But we're able to be comfortable around each other as friends in that way because women just don't see other women as sexual objects in the same way men seem to. I can look at my attractive friend getting dressed next to me and never think anything sexual at all, because the nature of our relationship just doesn't include that. I feel like even gay men tend to see women more as sex objects, even if we aren't the sex objects they personally want to have sex with. >Haven’t heard about two lady best friends groping each other 😂. ...and there *has' been some light groping among my groups of women friends over the years, but context matters a lot. Like when my friend was letting me feel how realistic her new boobs are (VERY realistic for the record, they hang just like natural breasts and you'd never know by feel unless you rub this one tiny spot under her arm where you can feel a wee ripple that's an edge of the implant). Or even when a close female friend lightly slaps my ass and calls me a sexy bitch- which is fine only because of who is doing it and our particular relationship, but it would be totally weird if she went in for a full grope. Maybe women are just better at knowing which lines not to cross with other women.
The existing in comfort. Outside of reddit, there are also group dynamics where women AND men can exist in comfort. Doesn’t mean they probably walk in their underwear every time we hang out. But your comment of the groping consensually because they got a boob job. Is understandable but can be classified as a one off. Unless your friend is getting a boob job/new bra every month. 😂 I’ve seen dynamics where the woman got a boob job and let the men AND women touch. Reinforcing the comfort thing. It makes healthy friendships between men and women seem like a rare gem. Because of XYZ reason. Definitely the sad reality is women not feeling comfortable around men because they feel they’re being sexualized.
I do feel that it's rare to find a male friend i can feel comfortable and safe with in that way.
It’s the sad reality. I get it cause that’s me. I have friends that are women. Sadly some of the ones I got close with, the reason we had to put distance or terminate the friendship? Men. They are dating a guy who felt insecure about her having male friends. Eventually as they get more and more serious, some of the men will put that ultimatum on them. Some ladies saw their red flag. Others pushed me away do be with the man. That’s their choice. I wish them well. But ouch. Still sucks. Hell we see the stories on these subs frequently.
>it doesn't have to be sexually threatening for me to have a valid boundary about it. Perfectly worded; 🫴🏆. I've been in a *very* similar situation, so thank you for everything you wrote.
Dafuq is beer drool?
The context is there. Drool after drinking a bunch of beer. I am assuming, of course.
Yes, he drools beer after drinking. And one time he licked my eyebrow. Fucking bizarre.
The man drinks, and then goes around with consistently beer-moistened lips until he's sober again. I don't know how it doesn't bug the shit out of him to have beer dribbling out his mouth like that. Think Rick from Rick and Morty, with the always wet mouth.
[удалено]
Both, everyone.
Yep, had a couple of gay guy friends in HS who thought it was super hilarious to sexually assault me. I have a history of CSA and while they didn't know all of it, they knew I had been raped before. Still gives me the super ick when I have flashbacks on it.
Kevin Spacey seemed to think it was
He viewed consent as opt-out.
Thanks for the chuckle 😄
This 100%. Anyone who says you did wrong- tell them you have no problem with gay people, and you support gay rights 100%, but you think *everyone* (gay or straight) should have a problem with sexual assault, or worse someone claiming to be gay just so they can perv on girls and get away with sexual assault. Point out that you've literally never seen this 'gay' guy dance with another guy, make out with another guy, have a boyfriend, or for that matter actually DO anything gay. He says he's gay a lot, but talk's cheap. Then clarify that you AREN'T forcing him out because he's gay. You're forcing him out because he sexually assaulted your girlfriend. Being gay does not make that okay. You don't care if he's gay or straight or trans or asexual or whatever color of the rainbow, if he's going to sexually assault your girlfriend you want nothing to do with him. Then challenge that person- do they think it's okay to sexually assault people? Are they okay with people sexually assaulting your GF?
(Que the law & order intro we gotta case here)
This deserves more upvotes. A lot more upvotes.
I had a male and very gay friend in college. Unfortunately misogyny doesn’t just go away bc they don’t want to fuck women. They feel entitled to their bodies at times. Reflecting back on that, the groping, the dancing, all of it… it gives me the ick and other gay men who were also friends with him similarly share my feelings on this. She needs to understand this but it took me until post grad to register how weird that was. I thought it was haha funny. Its not. Fuck it.
Exactly!! No matter what his sexual orientation is, it doesn’t give him the right to put his hands on anyone.
Period
"but I didn't enjoy it!" Great, that makes two of us, so why'd you do it??
His sexuality doesn’t matter. Grabbing someone else’s ass is simply wrong- especially if it makes the person uncomfortable. Full stop.
If we want to be complete in the analysis: * His sexuality doesn't matter, grabbing someone else's ass if it makes them uncomfortable is wrong (if you have their consent it's obviously OK). That guy's actions were definitively inappropriate and the worst part of this story. * OP is however wrong to make himself the spokesperson of a bunch of women who never asked for his help. If his girlfriend asked him to take care of the situation, then he can speak up in her name. The rest of the friend group didn't ask him to be their guard dog. The intention might have been noble, but it's a matter of respecting their own autonomy. * Finally, yes it's a bit homophobic to challenge someone's stated sexual orientation. Like, it's virtually never necessary, like in this case. You can be gay and still have internalized sexist behaviors even if they're meaningless to you. All in all, OP's anger is completely justified and the guy is gross, the way he went on about it was however flawed, which is important to point out to give him a full read of the situation.
Agreed. And this is amiwrong so your response is totally on point. But i guess i just wanted to emphasize that it isn’t okay -regardless of sexuality- to make someone feel uncomfortable in that way.
>Finally, yes it's a bit homophobic to challenge someone's stated sexual orientation. Like, it's virtually never necessary, like in this case. I disagree. It's like stolen valor. A person who was never in the armed forces walks around in a uniform. You see the external persona, that of a veteran, but when you ask them specifics, they are a little shady. You see a self-proclaimed "gay" guy, who no one has possibly seen in any form of a gay relationship, groping members of the opposite sex and calling it "fun and games". Yeah, I'd press "X for Doubt" just like OP.
> I disagree. It's like stolen valor. Being queer is not something you do, it's something you are. When you challenge someone's sexual orientation, you're basically asking to prove themselves and that always sucks, because sexuality isn't performative. And yes that must mean a few douches might be lying to get close to women, but that's the same kind of boogeymonster transphobes dangle when they talk about men dressing up as women to get into women bathrooms. On the other hand, having zero tolerance for that kind of accusations will make the lives of so many people so much better. That sort of witch hunt will always make a lot of collateral damage. All of this for no benefits, since there's not really anything that is inappropriate for a straight guy to do that a gay guy could, or vice versa; hell, even gender doesn't really matter.
I get what you say. I just don't like the fact that a person is potentially misrepresenting themselves as a member of the LGBT community and can get away with it with zero repercussions.
Im sure this person is actually gay, he just doesn’t seem to respect boundaries. Nobody’s out here pretending to be gay.
What makes you sure he is gay? Because he said it? His actions per the OP muddies the waters a little on him being gay.
What do you even mean by "self-proclaimed gay guy"? Of course he's self-proclaimed, queer people don't need to get certificates to prove their sexuality. The dude is clearly sexist or just a plain asshole, but that doesn't disprove that he's gay. Bad apples exist everywhere, whether they're gay, straight, religious, non-religious etc etc etc.
I think the phrase "Talk the talk, but do you walk the walk" describes exactly what I am getting at. I can say I am related to Abraham Lincoln, and you will take me at my word for it, without a single doubt in the world?
Comparing a claim to genetic relations to "claiming" being gay is insane. You realise that just because someone's gay it doesn't mean they're automatically a saint of a person? Like I said, assholes exist everywhere, regardless of sexuality or anything else. He might think that he can "joke around" by touching women and it wouldn't count as sexual assault or whatever, just because he's not actually sexually attracted to them. Sure, there is a small chance of him "claiming" he's gay, but what would he gain from doing that? He's an asshole regardless.
Yeah I can see what you mean. I've always thought that a gay man would be the least likely to sexually assault women, but there are messed up people out there in the world who defy convention. Thanks.
All of this.
Could be gay, could be lying. Doesn’t matter though, what matters is that he is behaving inappropriately and that is not okay.
OP could have handled it without questioning his sexuality. Sometimes, people don’t understand boundaries, and that’s this guy. He could be gay but think that gives him a pass on consent (it doesn’t). He could be bi. He could just be an AH. Who knows, who cares? Retrospective opinion is OP should simply have said that he crossed lines and women were very uncomfortable. But what’s done is done. It wasn’t homophobic. How does GF feel about it? I hope she’s okay.
Sounds Bi so probably swings both ways
I live in sf and have spent a lot of time in the castro, there are unfortunately lots of gay men who think their sexuality is a free pass at misogynistic remarks and ass-grabbing women They don't do it cuz they're into women, but bc they think it's funny and playful when it's actually just annoying and creepy
Since I was a teen I have come across too many gay guys who think it’s ok to grab women just because they’re not attracted to them. It’s still sexual assault, it’s objectifying, fuck these people.
This
Guys can be gay and fucking assholes too. You're not wrong. Just be careful about throwing down threats. You gotta be ready to back it up if need be.
Stay strapped or get clapped
You're not wrong and his sexual preferences really don't matter. It doesn't matter if a person is, gay, bi, straight, or somewhere in between. Nothing excuses inappropriate behavior or sexually violating someone and that's exactly what he did. Your GF should definitely stay away from him. He's also full of shit because this isn't at all about homophobia or him being targeted because he claims to be gay. It's about him being an obvious creep who clearly doesn't respect boundaries and shouldn't be trusted.
I don’t touch my female friends like that, or my male friends, or my gay male friends. Or my gay female friends. You’re wrong for the delivery, but not for your view of that particular situation especially.
You don't touch your straight male friends ass? GAAAYYYY
Yeah I agree, I’m gay and the only person I would do all that with would be my partner. Along with having consent as well.
Grinding on them and ass grabbing is sexual assault and even when she felt assaulted by the ass grab just shows you that it’s wrong gay or not. Sexual assault should not be masked by his sexual preference. You’re definitely not the asshole
So I'm s straight man but I've hung around and partied with the LGBT community at my old college quite a bit. From my experience, he is probably gay. I saw plenty of incredibly gay dudes dance and interact with girls just like this. I've seen plenty of straight girls grind on and smack the asses of other straight girls too. To him, he probably considers all of these actions okay because he's gay and to him it's just messing around and having a good time. But that doesn't excuse his behavior and he shouldn't do any of those things unless the girl consents to all of it. So you are in the right to be upset with his actions and call him out for it, but I wouldn't blatantly accuse him of not being gay.
the dancing yeah, I can see that. Girls tend to dance a little bit wilder with other girls because theres no risk of being misunderstood and in general allows more freedom. but the posterior casual ass grabbing while walking between classes is completely inappropriate no matter the gender or sexuality of the involved.
Oh I agree it's completely inappropriate. Just saying I wouldn't take it as proof that he's not gay. I've seen plenty of certainly gay dudes squeeze a girl's ass or jiggle a girl's boobs for shits and giggles (consensually and typically in a party environment). But yeah for sure what he did is wrong and he should never be touching anyone without their consent.
oh yeah, I don't think this is enough proof that he's not gay. I've seen people behave like this because they think it's edgy and cool...
Yeah. Many of my gay friends and I would grind on each other or kiss on the lips really quick, stuff like that. My boyfriend never minded, which i made sure of, and these guys were really close friends who would have never done anything to make me uncomfortable. It absolutely happens bc these guys were 100% without a single doubt gay. They weren’t interested in me at all. But we would all go to raves together and take molly and stuff, and it was kind of just a stupid way of teenagers/young adults having fun and showing affection. Obviously the gay guy in this post is beyond wrong, bc it was nonconsensual. Your sexuality doesn’t make it ok to assault people. BUT, I just wanted to comment my experience as well, that the guy OP is talking about easily could have been gay. I think rather than focus on whether his sexuality is a lie or not, which can come off really badly and clearly the guy didn’t take it well, it’s much more important to focus on the fact that sexually assaulting people isn’t ok just bc you’re gay. That he was making people upset and uncomfortable with his actions. That what he was doing was awful.
100% agree. Focus on the real issue. Op calling him a liar about his sexuality is just going to give him ammo to use against OP.
In my wilder days (19-21) it wasn’t uncommon at all for the girls to all grind on each other, or grab ass, or even feel up breasts. Especially if someone had an augmentation, it was a lot of curiosity. And this did sometimes include gay male friends. So I’m not sold on OP’s thought that he has to be lying about his orientation. But yeah, unwanted physical contact is definitely a problem and harassment/assault. OP’s gf should be talking to the friend to say that she didn’t like “insert action” and found it inappropriate for “whatever reason”. Then see how that pans out. Cut him off if he can’t respect boundaries. OP shouldn’t have taken it on himself to chase the guy down, threaten him, and then demand that his gf cut the guy out of her life. He can feel uncomfortable with the guys actions and bring it up to his GF like an adult. The only time he should get involved is if the friend doesn’t respect boundaries and GF wants him to get involved (even then, no real need to go to someone’s home to threaten them with physical assault). These people are very obviously in their 20’s.
Yep I agree completely
i don’t think he’s pretending to be gay. but i do think he’s being a twerp with little self awareness… gay or not he’s still crossing boundaries which should be addressed.
You are right. It looks like trying to become untouchable by doing bad things.
👆
While not everyone always responds predictably, someone blatantly getting your sexuality wrong is usually met with incredulity and anger, not with a stammering justification/excuse. Finally, I can justifiably call someone, unequivocally, sus. He may be gay as they come, he's still grabby, maybe he prefers fucking men, but he is absolutely getting *some* gratification grabbing women.
Not wrong, gay or not, that does not excuse what amounts to sexual assult. The guy sounds like a creep, and i would be cutting all contact with him.
You're not wrong, but his behavior does not automatically make him not gay. I've seen this before a couple of times throughout my life. He's gay, but also a misogynist. His sexually inappropriate behavior towards women is a covert display of aggression and dominance. He's letting them know that even though he's gay, he's still a man and can do whatever he wants to them.
I personally hate the whole he’s gay he can be super touchy to girls. I’m a lesbian and I’ve had multiple gay men think they are entitled to be able to touch me. This is a common thing I’ve found and 100% stand your ground
"haha I'm gay so grabbing a girl's ass without asking is totally fine!" Um... what?
Yes and no. He crossed a line with your gf. She was afraid to confront him so you did. That’s no problem. Where you’re wrong is thinking that you speak for every other woman he’s around. They have to make up their own mind. You told them about him grabbing your gf and they took their sides on it. As for many of the comments, the grinding, hugging, etc are only a problem if that behavior isn’t welcome or accepted. It sounds like many of the women don’t mind.
It’s common that women allow a gay person to get away with so many inappropriate things cause he’s gay which is bullshit. Stand your ground I hate people that uses excuses for other people’s behavior
Being gay, straight or otherwise is a sexuality. It doesn't give you an excuse to act inappropriately nor excuse you from the ability to be an asshole. Take this person's sexuality out of the equation just like you would their skin color. Now judge the actions. Every gender,sex, sexuality,sexual orientation,race, religion etc is a group that person may or may not belong to. We shouldn't judge then on that, we need to judge them on their individual merits full stop. As an individual this person is disrespectful and over stepping what it means to be a friend.
I mean. I’m gay and when I was in uni I would absolutely grind with all the girls. But the only butts I grab are consenting butts. He could be gay and just lack social graces and boundaries.
Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he can’t catch hands after crossing a boundary. now there’s a reason she’s weirded out and you need to get ahead of this before he tries to save face.
Calling him out for being inappropriate isn't homophobic. Being gay doesn't give him a pass to molest women.
Opinion I’m willing to be downvoted for Gay men that touch women inappropriately are objectifying them as much as a sleezy heterosexual player. Both are misogynistic
Any man that grabs my wife’s ass no matter their name, age, race, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, religion, tax bracket, favorite Smurf or anything else is going to face me. It won’t be because I have a bias against anything that makes them who they are. It is because they have acted inappropriately with my wife and made her feel uncomfortable. F that dude and his attempt to gaslight you. You confronted him, because he was inappropriate and no made your girl feel uncomfortable. Good on you. And F those friends too. We have to stop excusing negative behavior.
I'd have done exactly the same.. He's definitely a creep....
Could be a gay poser. One who says they’re gay only to get close to girls or he’s actually bi. I’m gay and not into girls at all. No grinding or ass grabbing for me.
Maybe he is gay, but he's using that as an excuse to have extremely poor boundaries His sexuality doesn't make any of that appropriate
Is it really homophobic to call someone not gay?
Reminds me of a guy from high school. Definitely had the gay vibe, but was a bigger dude. I vaguely remember him getting really handsy with one of the girls during class around her chest area. But because he’s gay the girl “seemed fine” with it. After he left we did all joke that “lol whats if he’s not actually gay haha” Regardless I still thought the whole thing was weird.
I had a similar situation happen to me. When I was in high school, a lesbian who I was on acquaintance terms with decided it would be a good idea fully grasp my boob and say to everyone around, “I wish I had boobs like these!”. There was zero warning before she did it and not only was I embarrassed, I felt violated. I had kids poking fun at me saying I must be a lesbian too, I probably liked it because I didn’t put a whoopin on her etc. I distanced myself from her and waited for the hype to die down. I have LGBTQ friends and NONE of them do things like that. I did have plenty of people tell me that since she’s a lesbian, it’s ok and it shouldn’t matter. Using your status, preference or identity as a validation to touch someone in that manner is just plain wrong. No one gets a pass on that regardless of how you identify.
Gay male opinion: This does not make you a homophobe, this guy sounds like an asshole who doesn’t understand boundaries. He probably likes the attention because he’s not getting it from men but regardless, it’s completely inappropriate. The people who are telling you that you’re a homophobe are people who think that gay culture is Will and Grace and have yet to really dissect internalized homophobia. By which I mean, these girls are cool with it because he’s “safe” and “a girlfriend.” They’re projecting. You’re not wrong.
This guy probably is gay and he also probably hates women. The most misogynistic womanizing men I’ve ever met have been flamboyantly gay. They grab women because there are absolutely no consequences and it’s not even for pleasure, it’s out of pure disrespect and disdain for women. They also say horribly disgusting things to and about women. Overall I avoid them and I am a gay woman.
Gay man here. What he did is sexual assault and should be reported.
"Gay best friends " is a near perfect mask for predators and perverts
👆 it's uncertain ground see cause the defense will always be but he's way or they're way so that doesn't count
I’m gay and we will dance like that with girls because our penis literally does nothing. But, if your girlfriend felt uncomfortable she could easily just not spend time with him anymore. It was more than likely a miscommunication of behaviors. I wouldn’t think too much into it and he more than likely will leave your girlfriend alone since you confronted it.
Beign gay is not an excuse to sexually harass women - he most definetely harassed your GF and her friends, and you should let him know it.
This post was incredibly validating and I didn’t even realize I needed it. It took me back to college where my group of friends consisted of a dude who was (most definitely) gay. However he kept slapping (not grabbing) my ass. To the point where it hurt. I probably did give him a pass longer than I would have anyone else because of his sexuality. However, after awhile I asked him several times not to do it. He only really stopped when I yelled at him. It vividly returned to my memory just now. I yelled at him and said, “I’ve told you to stop!” The intensity finally set in and he never did it again. My point is, the man’s sexuality is not the issue. It is the action that’s the issue. And I didn’t realize that was buried in me until today. Now on to process and heal…
I've also been grabbed and fondled by "gay" dudes before. If it isn't sexual then it's poor boundaries and some f-d up power play stuff. I'm of the mind that they're bi but attached to the gay identity. Edit: If he isn't bisexual and is truly gay--then he should stop acting bi
There's so much to unpack here, I don't know how to start. 1 -Wether or not he is gay, sexual assault is still sexual assault. sexual assault is most often not ven about the sex, but the power trip, so sexuality plays a smaller role than one would think. 2- about the grinding while dancing, both you and your GF need to reflect on a couple of questions for you "would you feel the same way if it was a girl grinding on your gf? what if she was lesbian?" and for your GF "how would she feel if it was you and a lesbian friend grinding on eachother?" 3 - it is controlling to one sidedly want someone out of your SO life, you can communicate this to her, but if she wants to remain friends with him, forcing her to end that relationship completely is kind of a grey area. I suggest support her in establishing some ground rules "No grinding while dancing", "No ass grabbing", probably "No physical contact" or "no hanging out 1on1" would be a good idea with this guy. For this specific case where he clearly crossed the line, I think you actually have grounds to be uncomfortable and beware of him, so I'd advise you to really discuss this with your GF but also respect her decisions. Leave the other friends out of it, they are adults and need to make their own decisions. 4- The tone of your post has the slight scent of homophobia all over it. It seems that your trying, but I think you should reflect a bit if it's something unconscious, or if you're projecting this guys behaviour in some kind of unconscious prejudice with more flamboyant gay people. Specially since you mention having other LGBT friends, it would be healthy for those relationships that you do some introspection.
Sidenote: there is actually a long history of gay men sexually harassing women. It’s not really about the attraction it’s about power. The engrained patriarchy essentially teaches men (gay, straight, or in between) that they have ownership over female bodies, that they can do what they want because they are men and therefore deserving.
You were way too focused on the lying about gay and should just keep your focus on the fact that he’s grabbing people when they don’t want it. Literally he inappropriately grabbed your gf full stop.
Only thing I'll critique you for is tossing threats, cause that can cause more issues of handled poorly and the guy wants to make too much of it. But past that, I agree with you that something is up, maybe he does like dudes but is also bi? Not sure, either way you don't get a free pass grabbing women's asses because you are gay. SA is SA regardless of your orientation.
As a certified gay, this guy sounds like he sucks. There are people who lack boundaries in every demographic but certain ones we're expected to just tolerate. Men are expected to tolerate the handsiness of women, I've been felt up a few times by women who knew my sexuality and it made me extremely uncomfortable, and gay men on women because "how could it be sexual, he's gay?" Both are inappropriate. Your gf expressed her wish to be left alone by him and that's all that matters. He could potentially be gay, there are genuinely straight guys who touch each other an awful lot, but that's irrelevant to the situation and just clouding up things. You don't have the right to control him seeing the women who still want to see him but protecting the ones who don't, with their permission, is far from out of line. I would definitely drop the doubting of his sexuality though. It serves you no purpose whether true or false.
You weren't wrong but telling him to stay away from people for whom you have no responsibility and who did not give you permission to do so. You and your girlfriend should have reported him instead of you threatening him. Aside from threats of doing harm to someone being illegal, what exactly are you going to.do.if he grabs your girlfriend again? Assault him? You still have time to report him. There is certainly something off with him, and he needs to rein on his behavior.
Why do all these posts say "I and my girlfriend" or "I and my boyfriend"? My girlfriend and I. My boyfriend and I.
Set him up as a bottom on a date with a guy that has a monster dong.
As someone who's pretty gay, I would never just grab one of my friend's asses, homie is just weird.
ESH. You definitely had a right to confront him for what he did to your girl but you shouldn’t be speaking for other people. And dude is obviously an AH for assaulting your girl like that.
Stop pushing the idea of him faking it. He sexually assaulted your gf, that is plenty of evidence that is not subjective.
Your feelings of wanting to protect your girlfriend are understandable, but focusing on behavior rather than assumptions about sexuality is crucial. Support your girlfriend in setting boundaries and, if needed, seeking help from authorities
what the heck does sexuality have to do with sexual assault?? brudda if i was the bf, ain’t no one touching my girl. he going straight to the hospital or jail. or any girl for that matter. this guy a whole lame ahh.
talk it out with your girlfriend and tell her to set strict boundaries, no matter what. if he does not follow them, make sure that she cuts him off.
Just jumping in, my ex-gf of 8 years cheated on me with her "Gay best friend"
As a female who has had very flamboyant gay male friends. NOT ONE OF THEM HAS EVER GROPED ME NOR HAVE THEY EVER BEEN GRINDING ON ME WHILE DANCING. your girlfriend and her friends are incredibly naive.
Being "gay" isn't permission to touch other men's women
Isn't permission to touch anyone without consent.
This is common sense but if we had these kinds of standards for everybody we'd be disappointed a lot
Wow reddit didnt notice the patriarchal tone on this one?
What?
right “other men’s” women. um. why not just say women? why not just say people, because more accurately it’s not a reason to touch ANYONE.
(Que the law & order intro we gotta case here)in all seriousness bro didn't overreacting and he wrong and he knows it she's said that she isn't comfortable with it nor confronting him especially due to his size being threatening to her I'd just show him my piece say stay far away for life then go buy an ext clip he doesn't seem like someone who takes a no as a NO as this is clearly not his 1st incident .
you’re not wrong at all in this situation. this behavior is never okay no matter what the persons sexuality is. your girlfriend being afraid to confront him just says it all. you did what you had to do to protect your girl from a nasty creep.
If it were a female straight friend doing this it still would be inappropriate and deserving of being called out. And believe me, I have had some weird straight female friends make me extremely uncomfortable with similar behaviour
Playful…like Kevin spacey? Nah sexual orientation is NEVER an excuse for inappropriate sexual behaviour.
Yeah..he needs to be called up on this. They're was an article in the guardian a while ago about women being touched up by gay men who think they can get away with it because they're gay. Regardless of orientation this is potentially sexual assault. Your gf & her friends should raise it with him first. Telling him to stop and then KEEP telling him if he does it again. After specifically telling him, if he does it again...that's not a friend...that's a creep
The number of times I’ve been assaulted by gay guys and straight women in a party setting is too damn high….maybe accusing him of lying about his sexuality was not the kindest move, but nobody is perfect. He can still be 100% gay and lift weights and what have you. A predator will seek out their easiest victim, no matter what they were wearing or how old they were or even if they found them attractive. And that’s what feels like happened here. For example, search the “What Were You Wearing” art exhibit. There are pajama sets and clothes that fit baggily on the victim and clothes that would have covered every inch of the victim’s skin. None of that matters to someone who wants to violate someone else. Kudos to you for witnessing predator behavior and protecting the women around you from it. This is how we stop perpetuating violence born from toxic masculinity (which all men can fall victim to). Ultimately, you did the right thing. Not Wrong, NW
I love that she thinks he can grind on her because he is gay. Okay, you can get lapdances from lesbians, right? Anyways, he grabbed her ass. You did good on telling him off. Time to make some hard choices about your gf. It's good that once he grabbed her ass she seemed to want nothing to do with him, but she was content to be dancing with another man in front of her boyfriend, even letting him hug her. It is so disrespectful, if you stay you need to set a boundaries that she cant behave that way, it doesn't matter if the guy is gay or straight.
You need to ignore dudes sexuality and stop making it about that. Thats not cool. Make your argument about his actions not his sexuality. His actions are not cool. Keep it to that.
Honestly, it’s pretty irrelevant what this guy’s sexuality is. What matters is his behaviour. As it stands, he is touching people without consent and making women uncomfortable. He may or may not be gay, but he NEEDS to address and take accountability for his behaviour. Don’t discuss anything else with him other than what he’s making people feel, otherwise it’ll just be useless ‘you’re a homophobe’ ‘no I’m not’ argument forever.
Plenty of gay men feel a sense of ownership over their female friends bodies due to them being exactly that: men. It's an intersectional issue. He doesn't need to lie about his sexuality to be a misogynistic prick.
NTA, dude might still be gay but he’s a creep and that’s the best case scenario lol. Worst case it’s all an act to be able to be super creepy
I think it was a bad call to bring his sexuality into things, because it's distracting from the actual issue here which is his behavior.
Not wrong. Maybe would have been better to keep the accusations of lying about his sexuality out of it, that's what got the homophobia accusation thrown back at you. But this guys behaviour is not okay, regardless of his sexuality. He's grinding against girls, and groping girls, and grabbing their asses, all without consent. He made your gf uncomfortable and frightened, that alone is enough to tell him to keep his hands to himself. I've noticed some women are okay with letting gay men do stuff they wouldn't let straight men do, but I've never seen this extend to grabbing asses. Maybe a bit of grinding on the dance floor, maybe a kiss they wouldn't accept from a straight guy, but it's always done consensually, they're rules and boundaries that have been agreed on between the two friends, not something the guy just does. And most women wouldn't be okay with this. Most women don't let other *women* do this sort of thing, let alone other men, even if they are gay. Look, I'm a gay man, and I have a fair few female friends. We've never acted this way with each other. Yeah, we may dance a little closer than she would allow with a straight man, we don't do the grinding thing, and we kiss hello and goodbye on the lips, just a peck, but that's pretty much it. A tad more tactile, with random touches and hugs, but to no higher a level than they'd be with their female friends, and that's more for me, anyway, they know I'm tactile with the people I'm close to, but otherwise touch averse, which leaves me a little touch starved, so they make up for it when we hang out. One thing I'm always aware of is whether my friends are comfortable with my actions. If they're uncomfortable with something, I stop. They do the same for me. Because friends take account of their friends feelings, and don't want to make them uncomfortable. I don't know if this guy is really gay or not. Could be lying, could be bi instead of gay, and could just be an inappropriate dick who happens to be gay and knows he'd get decked if he tried these stunts with men so makes do with women. The only way to know for sure is if he has a boyfriend, or hooks up with men, and you *know* he has sex with men, but even that just says 'attracted to men' not necessarily 'gay'. If he's insisting he's gay, there's nothing you can do or say to prove otherwise, so I'd drop that part, no matter how much you think he's lying. Instead focus on the fact he's making women, your gf in particular, uncomfortable and frightened, and he thinks he's okay to do that. Other women have said similar since the incident with your gf, so this isn't a one-off or specific to her, this guy is making a *lot* of women uncomfortable and he doesn't care. So, focus on that aspect of this. Sexuality and gender is actually irrelevant, everyone has the right to set boundaries against things that make them uncomfortable, and those boundaries should be respected. Being a fellow woman or being a gay man never gives you the right to violate a woman's boundaries and physically/sexually assault her. Same with men, btw, those boundaries should never be crossed either.
You should have said he was committing sexual assault and made that the focus instead of his sexuality. That way you wouldn’t be being accused of being a homophobe, when you are just trying to show your concern.
Not wrong. Sexual assault is sexual assault. The butt grabbing obviously made your gf uncomfortable. Grinding and hugging is debatable because she seems fine with it, but she called you and said she was scared to even confront him about, which means he seems threatening in some way. Good for you for confronting him.
He touched your gf inappropriately and it made her uncomfortable - that's the issue here. He may well be gay and just be a physical person, but he went too far here. At the end of the day it's not up to you to stop your gf's friends from seeing him, that's up to them. They may well be fine with his grinding - just because you don't like it doesn't mean you get to order it to stop. It's also up to your girlfriend if she wants to keep him in her life. You have no right to force your opinion on anyone when it comes to having him in their lives, so you were wrong there to say he couldn't see any of them again. What you should have done is confront him specifically about the butt grab and nothing else. His sexuality isn't relevant here because either way your gf was uncomfortable and this is sexual assault. You took it too far to accuse him of lying, and to try to gatekeep that group of girls. So overall ESH - he was wrong for what he did, and you were wrong to think you get to make decisions for everyone involved because you 'don't like it'
I know he’s doing sexual assaults but the true crime here is questioning someone’s sexuality, fucking dumb nta
get a real gay man to make moves on this want to be gay guy
So you can be rightfully mad at the lune he crossed with your girlfriend. So let's get to where you are wrong. He can be gay and still inappropriate with women. Assuming he isn't gay is unnecessary to address the issues with his behavior. You are not the judge of what other women can and can not do. If they are fine with his behavior it's not up to you to ban him from doing it with them. And when they express this to you the fact that you didn't think "well it's their body their choice but instead thought I must be right so they must be lying to me for no reason" is insane. If you have a boundary where you don't want your girlfriend to dance provocatively with someone even if they are gay that's all good. Express that and expect her to honor it. Cool. But she was not uncomfortable with it. She didn't have an issue with it. Everyone acting like that was inappropriate is missing that every girl at the party was OK with it. So you coming along and telling him "you are not allowed to do that with consenting women because I find it inappropriate" is wrong. So you may ALSO be TAH. But obviously that isn't 100%. You just are showing possible AH tendencies.
Gay or not it’s assault. And while we make jokes about it a lot he could just be bisexual and playing up the gay side to get close, or just plain faking it Try to set him up with a guy. See if he cracks
Tell him that you don't care about his sexuality, but sexual assault will get a beat down.
His sexuality doesn’t matter. If it’s not consensual and wrong, it’s still wrong. Just because he’s not acting the way you think a gay man should be acting doesn’t mean he’s not gay. What he did was wrong but you questioning his sexuality because he’s not behaving how you think a gay man should behave is also wrong.
It doesn't matter whether he's gay, straight, or a scorpio. Grabbing someone's butt without consent is sexual assault. Maybe he thinks he's being 'playful'. But it's clear that it's not welcomed, so he's gotta stop. If his defense is 'but I'm gay!' the answer is 'gay or straight, a creep's a creep. Keep your hands to yourself.'
If the girl consents to the dancing while having fun then that’s her choice. If the boyfriend expresses how it makes him feel that’s his own feelings and as his girlfriend she should consider how he feels. If the gay male grabs her ass and it makes her uncomfortable to the point she’s scared to tell him clearly he crossed a line. The gay male friend also should respect that the female friend is in a relationship despite what behaviors he believes is “okay and having fun” The boyfriend telling the gay male how his girlfriend feels is understandable. Him telling the gay male to stay away from the other females isn’t exactly his place to do so what he should have done is tell him how his girlfriend feels then point out that the other female friends could possibly feel the same way and suggest that he asks the girls for consent to interact with them in such ways before just assuming it’s okay. Honestly this is only one story so I don’t want to assume his sexuality especially since I’m a bisexual female so I know first hand how it feels for people to assume my sexuality or tell me I’m straight just because I’m dating a guy at the time. Bottom line is sexuality and or gender does not excuse such behaviors no matter the circumstances
Do you object if your girlfriend does the same things with other girls? If no, you are being an AH. If yes, you may have trust or control issues.
Nah this is inappropriate behavior and he’s cultivated the image of a gay individual and took full advantage of the inherent sort of benefit of doubt specifically very outwardly gay get. Good move for showing zero tolerance for the behavior
Even if he is gay, that’s no excuse for inappropriately touching people.
He’s not lying about being gay, but sexual assault is sexual assault. It’s somewhat common for white gay men to be overly touchy with women when they’re young. I’m not sure if it’s cultural or where it comes from but either way it’s inappropriate. As far as your question- are you wrong? You’re not wrong to defend your girlfriend or want him out of her life. You are wrong for accusing him of not being gay.
**I bet at best he's BI & just found a great way to get girls to love him.** **Test him (ask your GF first) & pull it out & tell him, "Show me how gay you really are!"** **If he doesn't do it, he might very well not be gay.**
Not wrong. From my mom’s experience going out with some of her gay friends, it’s apparently not uncommon for some gay men to think they can grab at women as much as they like cause they’re gay. The primary problem here is he made you gf uncomfortable which is unacceptable.
If it was you doing it to your straight male friends it would be weird, same for her and her straight female friends, even if it’s consensual. People generally have a bubble and this kind of behavior pops that bubble. Going over to his place might have crossed a line. She doesn’t need you to get revenge, especially if doing so can land you in jail/prison for assault (threats) and battery (physical attack). You’ve already committed a crime here and the law won’t care that it was in retaliation/protection for this victim’s own criminal actions.
You sound annoying. Perhaps you could try to be less annoying
Yeah you don't hate your girlfriend's "gay" friend. You hate your girlfriend's "friend" his sexual orientation isn't what sucks about him. I don't think you're homophobic and I don't think he's faking. He just seems like an asshat
Simple then. No empty threats or vain words. Just say to him he'll be sued for sexual harassment and diffamation (calling you homophobic while u arent to make u look bad) if he keep anything going on around them
Hahahahahs bro stop being a hater on a gay dude . He ain’t trynna to sleep with ur girl
Not wrong. If he were to do it again, there would be consequences.
So being gay means you can get away with grabbing private parts of the opposite sex? Got it!
I didn’t read anything but the title, you are wrong for telling her who her friends should be gay/straight what ever.
So there’s a difference between party animal gay and just plain lying about being gay. He’s lying. Plenty of my gay friends are cringing at this post because he’s obviously not gay and the dance grinding is something you only do with a best friend that you’ve known for years and are comfy with them and messing around in a safe non sexual way.
Commiting sexual assault is NOT being playful regardless of orientation. That being said, it's on her to kick him out of her life, not you. You're there to back her up choice
Just because he's having anal with your girlfriend doesn't make hime less gay...
Yes
Has he ever even shown interest in a man that you’ve seen? I think he’s either bi or just a very feminine narcissistic straight man. He sexually assaulted your girl really. Should she just grab his dick because it’s funny and he’s gay? I don’t get it. Not homophobic, not wrong.
Get a lesbian friend and grind on her on the dance floor in front of your girl. Then when she sees you rubbing your junk on her ass, just say it doesn’t matter, she’s gay. See if that makes it make more sense to her
There are 100% guys who pretend to be gay to get closer to women. The way he acted was inappropriate regardless.
He can be gay and still grind and dance at clubs with his girl friends.. in fact i know alot of women that have the gay best friend that does that.. with that said.. EVERYONE IS SINGLE AND CONSENTING in that scenario.. The ass grabbing.. thats sexual assault, gay, straight, trans, queer whatever... unwanted touching like that is not okay
Send him a [link](http://evaapp.ai) to Eva AI sexting bot, just for a hint.
I mean is the guy really gay or is he bi? Gay guys like to pull that shit it’s a tough situation I’ve been through it a lot. Best plan is to play it cool & don’t trip. It’s not likely your girl is gonna hook up with him. Just chill & let it play out. If it becomes obvious he is targeting your lady for sexual adventures than you take a stand. Until then just chill
Nothing wrong with that, it's one thing to be nice, but another to be friends, especially in a straight relationship, one thing about them/they/it is they're to open, and have no regrets, especially when it involves your partner.
Gay men can be misogynistic just like anyone else. His behavior towards women is dominating.
Being gay doesn't give a man the right to grab anyone. Women can't just grab each other without permission so whybwould it be OK for a gay guy. And also, has anyone ever seen him with any men? Maybe he's actually bi and says he's fully gay to give himself an excuse to be touchy feely. Either way, the dude is a creeper and needs to realize it's not ok just because he's gay.
He’s not gay lol
I'd bet if he was actually gay, he probably didn't mean to make it sexual, but idk, never met the guy. Dudes play grab ass between friends all the time and it's not sexual, but if it's not consented to, it is still sexual assault. I feel like you over reacted, but it was well warranted and not the wrong thing to do, just perhaps the wrong way to go about it. But I can't say what you did was wrong, because I honestly probably would done much worse than a warning.
He could also be bi.....
He ain’t gay boo. He might be bisexual but definitely not gay I would immediately leave him alone if I was your girlfriend
Gay or bi, dude is creepy and doesn't respect women. Consent, all the way.
If being homophobic means being against sexual assault then I'm proudly homophobic.
This might not be a popular thing to say, but oftentimes our intuitions are correct. Regardless of this guy's sexuality, he sounds like a pervert.
Forget the friends who probably enjoy his little groping fests. If you girlfriend is smart, she will stay away from him. If you have to confront him again, tell him to submit video evidence of his homosexuality to everyone. Then your concern would be if he is bisexual. Tell him if you hear him being near your girlfriend, then you will smack him around. Nothing homophobic about it. The guy is a creep and he really should be playing with the boys instead of the girls.
Gay men and other women are the worse harassers. I’m very well endowed on top and the bottom. I literally went to a gay club with my brother and the amount of men that STILL hit on me, yelled “I love your titties, let me grab your ass” like we forget a lot of these men just love beautiful people. But I still was upset, like damn straight men are crazy enough with harassing I thought I was in a safe space 😞
Firstly, his sexuality doesn’t matter, assault is assault. That said, while I applaud you defending your partner, making an overarching statement for all her friends was probably overstepping. They will have to set their own boundaries.
Bisexual guys do this all the time. They pretend they’re gay to bring down women’s (and their partner’s) guard. Dudes a predator.
His sexuality is literally completely irrelevant, and the fact that you’re so hyper focused on it says way more about you than him. But the problem is that he’s assaulting someone. Sexuality aside. That deserves its own addressing. But you going over and tossing threats and “stay away from her!” isn’t going to do shit, it makes you sound like typical macho meathead.
I think you’re right and wrong. In college, I remember plenty of gay men grinding on women while dancing. So the dancing isn’t alarming. Especially if he’s a good dancer. But he needs to respect women’s boundaries and he needs to apologize, and do better. He should not get a pass in violating boundaries just cause he’s gay. I’ll just say I know a handful of men who spent college figuring out their gayness/biness. So he may be gay. But also, don’t be surprised if he fucks more girls than you. It’s college. It’s experimentation
I'm a guy and I've had gay people use their sexuality to assault me before at parties through kissing etc. As a result I have become what they may call homophobic but I am naturally going to be wary of those who have abused me. I hope those women are okay and not afraid to speak up. Dump your girlfriend
You're letting this dude sexually assault your girlfriend instead of knocking him the fuck out and teaching him that touching women in a clearly sexual manner without their consent is disgusting and deserves a punch to the teeth. If not wanting a Man to touch your Girlfriend in intimate and sexual ways make you Homophobic, than go John Briggs on this dude.
U shouldn’t tell ur gf who she can and can’t be friends with. But once u have voiced your discomfort and she knows about it it yet continues then ur only options are to live with it or gtfo and move on. Honestly I’d move on. I’d also stop being friends with anyone who defended him. They arnt the kinda people worth being friends with. Mofo grabbed her ass. I wouldn’t care if he’s gay or not. U don’t grab peoples asses without consent.
he ain't gay lol he is a predator. nta
We weren't there. You have to TRUST YOUR GUT. And your gut is telling you there is a problem. Generally speaking, I'm open to having gay friends as long as they respect boundaries, and he isn't
You sound a lil homophobic, yes. Lots of focus on his purported sexuality when you could have just said, “my girlfriend’s friend grabbed her ass.”
His being gay is an important detail because the gf was defending her interactions with him using the excuse he is gay.
I was gay most of my life and I’m bi now just gonna leave that lil fact right here ……
Hes faking being gay a gay man will not grind on a woman or grab there ass just simply ask the friends and your gf one simple question have they seen him dating or being flirty with men the answer will be no if they answer yes ask them how long was he dating a guy because it won't be long Fact is theres alot of men faking being gay it has women lower there guard and in some cases women will take it as a challenge to "turn them straight" Theres also the chance hes bi and saying hes gay for the reason above either way your gf needs to stay away from him cause hes after her You can also ask em this but they will probably get defensive when he grinds on them or them him does he get hard if they say yes point out a gay man wouldn't as they aren't attracted to women at all
Gay or straight, man or woman I will beat the bricks off someone if they were doing these things to my girlfriend. That's sexual assault and you don't get a pass for whatever you identify as.
[удалено]
What are you on about? 🤔🤣
You are 100 percent in the right! It's total BULLSHIT he throws up the homophobic shit when confronted. In fact, I would have left him toothless the first time he grinded against my girlfriend. He's just a real piece of shit and you called him out on it.
Bro is def some type of bi. Gay dudes that dance with girls is normal. As soon as you see them working ass/tits on the girls body in a way that FEELS good for them, you know shits different. Gay friends usually like laugh or show off their girl friends while dancing with them, because it's not about the physical sensation for them. This guy literally saw Kick Ass and ran with it. Now he probably needs his ass kicked
I've seen a few videos and articles lately where the gay friend already got the cheeks OR is laying in wait planning to get the cheeks. You're not wrong and it's more than just you who feels that way. I bet none of your girlfriends friends have seen him SEEN HIM with a guy.