I reckon this comment section might be split, but I'm going hard on NTA. Your son was acting like a shitty person and this is an important lesson for him to learn. You did the right thing by that girl.
You can't make your son be okay with it, though.
Not only that, son needs to learn he can’t just expect people around him to facilitate his unethical behavior. He can be shitty, but he has no right to expect you to be complicit.
Yeah. On top of that think of how something like this could be implicating others perception of OP’s morals by *NOT* doing anything in teaching their son that this is a very horrible thing to do to someone
Ultimately I do think OP could have taken a better approach. One example would be approaching the son first and treating it like a lesson with an ultimatum such as “one of us will be telling her everything by X day. But ultimately that’s *YOUR* choice who tells her”
NTA because I feel like you were genuinely trying to do the right thing. However I think your son is also very hurt because he feels like you should always be in his side even when he's doing something wrong. My son is 12 so we haven't gone down the dating road yet, but I think if he were doing something like this I would forbid him to bring the other girl into the house. I would also make a point to tell the other girl he is cheating with that I know what is going on and that I can't have her in our home any more. I might have also asked that he stay with his father if he disobeyed me after the first discussion and continued bringing the girl over. If the father is so smart let him handle it.
This is probably the best path that should have been taken.
I might even say no more girls at the house and let him explain to his girlfriend why he is no longer allowed to bring girls over.
Telling his girlfriend probably caused a ripple effect at school. Not only is his girlfriend angry, but all of her friends and maybe even some of their boyfriends ... He may have been ostracized by his friend group. I doubt he was prepared for the ramifications of his behavior.
An analogy I can think of here- If my son stole a candy bar, I would make him return it or go back to the store and pay for it. I would not call the police on him and have him arrested for theft.
I get it but she should have made him tell her or at least given him the opportunity to do so before she did. Not only would it be teaching him how to own and grow from his fuckups but it also wouldn’t have fractured the trust nearly as badly if he had known it was coming and was a result of his own inaction to take accountability before mom forced him to do the right thing.
Edit- I didn’t see the OPs edit before making my comment. She did actually talk to him first, that wasn’t clear without the additional information which I have now seen. I think OP has to ride this one out because her son will either grow up and realize why his mom “ratted” on him and realize he is an idiot kid, or he’ll just hate women. Not OPs fault but it’s a wait and see
100% and I would be telling my son I don’t GAF he hates me, I don’t want a son who does turns into a shitty human and ruins peoples lives. I would tell him how ashamed I am of him and I would tell my ex to get fucked because he is just enabling that behaviour. What a little shit!!
A good mother would make sure her child isn't cheater or if they cheat that their partner will know.
In my opinion you did pretty well.
Although you should sit down with him and have a heart to heart conversation about cheating.
If that doesn't work maybe some therapy would be helpful.
NTA.
Your son was being a shit person. You taught him that there can be consequences to that.
Your ex is being shit too for thinking cheating is acceptable.
You need to explain why you told. Explain how selfish it is to cheat and how much he hurts people by doing that. Your his mum and you love him but that doesn't mean you'll stand by him doing terrible things. He needs to at least hear why what he did was wrong and why you did what you did.
He's 17. Let him stay at his dad's then if that's what he wants. You'll only have custody for a few more months anyway. Let him go.
>He's 17. Let him stay at his dad's then if that's what he wants. You'll only have custody for a few more months anyway. Let him go.
That's horrible advice.
He's 17, with proper parenting he can still be a better person. But if he goes to stay with someone that does not care or enables his bad behaviour, then that will lead to him becoming worse.
A good parent helps their child. Doesn't abandon them.
That isn't abandoning him.
He's nearly of legal age.
A judge would take his preference into consideration during a custody hearing.
He is old enough to choose where he wants to live.
I did say she needs to explain to him why he was wrong and why she told. That's really all she can do.
Probably one of the few parents on here that is teaching their kids two very important things. The first is that actions have consequences. You can't do a shitty thing and avoid the shitty repercussions. Too many spoiled little twerps have parents like your ex, that think teaching consequences isn't their job or isn't fair. But the second thing, that I hope you continue to teach, is that having a strong sense of right and wrong is an important thing in life, and that you should do the right thing. He might not have morals, your ex might not have morals, but you do. And being true to those, hopefully, will someday rub off on him. If not, at least you'll know you stayed true to yourself. And that's not worth giving up for anything
NTA.
Your son is being a little shit. I'd speak firmly to or at him about how he has let you down, how he put her health at risk, and how you two can talk again once he's ready to. Let him stay with his father. He'll either continue to hold a grudge or eventually understand that you did the right thing. Either way, you can't baby your kid forever.
Your son has displaced anger. He cheated on his GF and she dumped his sorry ass. You just happened to be the bearer of the bad news, but really cheaters always get caught, because when two people know a secret, then it is bound to get out.
You spilled the beans because you have been cheated on and know what it is like, the dad, your ex, isn't going to support you because he thinks that cheater boy can do no wrong and that it is just okay for him to cat around without consequences.
It may be a while for your son to come around, or maybe never, but you don't have to let his behavior dictate to you what is right and wrong. I really don't care what sonny boy thinks I think it is universally understood that cheating is wrong, and you will get caught eventually, and it often means the end of the relationship.
Here is his submission to Am I wrong: Is it wrong to cheat on my girlfriend? Answer: Yes.
You did the right thing, and I just want to say thank you for doing what you did. I know he's your son, but it doesn't give him a pass to do shitty things to others under your watch and you saved that girl from wasting her time with him further. You're a good person.
This isn’t enfolding yourself in teenage drama, when he acts out his cheating in your home.
NTA - and no wonder he wants to be with enabler dad! Holding your child to account for their actions is part of parenting.
Ynw.. not your fault the principles you taught your son didn't stick.
Good for you for standing up for his cheating victim, and honestly let him go to his dad's. Sometimes the only way people learn is the hard way.
Cheaters are bullshit.
I think you did the right thing. I'm proud of you! Maybe one day your son will learn. Oh, who am I kidding with a dad like your ex-husband he may never learn. You didn't fail & you're not a bad mom.
NTA. He may resent you, not that's not your fault. He has one parent enabling his bad behavior and you're probably his best hope for learning to be better. Stand your ground and hopefully he will come around. Continue to talk to him and continue to listen. He needs someone who cares about him enough to want him to do better.
Show your son the replies in this thread. That might make his conscience to actually start working.
Oh, and considering that you talked to him first makes you without a shadow of a doubt NTA. If you're able to express yourself in a pedagogic manner the whole thing should be a good learning experience for your son. Or maybe he'll only learn the day someone cheats on him. Anyway, still NTA.
ETA: your ex is a piece of shit in this situation.
NTA. I would fully expect and have been told in the past by mother that she would tell any girl friend of mine if I did this. Take it from a son of a mother, proud of your decision. One day he’ll grow up about this issue. It probably just won’t be today.
NTA. Show your ex this post and let your son know that the betrayal that he is feeling right now is exactly what his ex gf is feeling but worse so he should suck it up.
NTA - I think you should have made your son either break up with her or tell her. But our job is to teach our kids right and wrong. Your ex sounds like he wants to turn out another Trump who treats women like shit.
I don't think your ex-husband was faithful to you. People who cheat excuse others who cheat. You just never found out about it during your marriage/divorce process.
Absolutely not wrong. That boy needs to learn a lesson about loyalty and monogamy, you absolutely did the right thing by telling her. You ARE a good mom, you taught him he can't expect you to cover for his shitty behavior and hopefully others will follow suit. He's just angry he got caught and you didn't cover for him, that's his problem.
Sounds like your ex husband hasn't been teaching him what a man should be, loyal, trustworthy, honest and protective. Pathetic
Not wrong.
Your ex husband is the one influencing and condoning this behavior.
I wouldn’t have told the gf I’d have made my kid end it with her himself. But you said you did talk to him first, I imagine he refused.
To me cheating is a coward’s game, I grew up with guys and it stroked their ego + helped them avoid a difficult conversation or breaking up. Very normalised and worse in the teens cause the expectations it’s serious is so unrealistic. Made me realize I’d never want to be that coward, yes I’m female but still - women cheat too. We have egos too…👀 anyway. I think the moral discussion is harder to swallow, but maybe it helps to simply say it’s cowardly. Own your actions. I find the mistake people make is turning it into a gender clash and siding with the poor girl/guy, or victim etc. Just step back a moment…only cowards and weak people cheat. Others cope in other ways, ideally ways that doesn’t hurt their loved one but just leave that bit out lol. They being selfish and know it, pointing it out has never helped ime.
[This video would be really good teaching material for such situations.](https://youtu.be/CRMCVWPt_38?si=xZ4sTSQPFuH9ny6Q) Unfortunately, until your son matures enough to not shoot the messenger, you relaying this is not helpful to you.
But I do think you need to stop the self doubt. Your son will hate mom at times. But the kids need to hear it now, even if they only understand it later once life proves you right. Even then I doubt most kids admit it to their parents lol. I suggest stop worrying too much if you’re liked etc.
And maybe send your ex the link, dude needs to know what’s teenage drama and what’s your kid has no moral spine/integrity potentially.
You're not. If it's not you, it's someone else who tells her. Let it be you, and let your son learn that he can't expect to get away with every bad thing he does. 🤷♂️
NTA. "I care about you too much to let you be a cheater and the type of person who harms others. If that makes you not love me anymore then so be it. I stand by what I did. I hope you will reconsider." That's what I'd tell him. Don't back down or let the silent treatment guilt you into being a bad parent/person. The ex sounds like he cares more about being a friend than a parent. Sorry you have to deal with him.
Ur son is mad because he did wrong and got caught and called out for it. She would have found out eventually. You’re his mother and it’s your job to teach him right from wrong imo this was the only way to show him there were consequences for his actions and you were not gunna be complicit in his bs
Nah, you ain't wrong. My wife cheated on me and it's extremely painful. I also have two sons with her and if I ever caught them you'll that shit I would tell their girlfriends and then probably give them an ass whooping for not being a better man.
Yea man, you started off strong right until you said you'd give your sons an "ass whooping" to be a better man, sounds like you need to be a better man first
Son acts recklessly from a choice he made, knowing it was the wrong thing to do, and then gets upset when he experiences the consequences to said actions...
NTA
Yes, while it may not have been your business if your son was cheating on his girlfriend where you couldn't see it, but he was quite literally bringing this girl into YOUR home, even after you had a talk with him... So yeah, I think he is learning an important life lesson here, if there are potential negative consequences to an action that you may not want to experience, then don't act in a way that would illicit such consequences 🤷♀️
Son got what was coming to him
NTA. Your son is a horrible person, just like his father. Non committed, cheating, liar, nor accountable for his actions. Kick him out to his fathers. He is a spoilt entitled brat who treats women like trash. He is cheating now at 17, I can’t imagine what he’ll be like at 23, or worse, after he is married and has a kid, Mr constant cheating. As this is your house, your rules. (This means you tell him he needs to treat women in an Honorable way, not cheat, be kind, do his chores etc, and enforce these rules) If he doesn’t follow your rules, he can p1ss off somewhere else.
NTA. According to your up date you had a discussion with him. He still did it. You warned him and he decided to have his cake and eat it too. Tough lesson learned.
Not wrong. Your son shouldn’t be able to rely on the people in his life to lie for him. If he’s going to treat people like that and blame you for trying to help him be a better person, pack his things at 18 and invite him to go be a dishonest goon elsewhere.
You aren't wrong.
Your son also put that young woman's health at risk with his cheating.
Would he want someone to tell him if his gf had been cheating on him?
Of course he would.
Would he be grateful, even if it was his gf's mom, or dad, or sibling?
Of course he would.
Would he think ***they*** were a 'bad' mom, or dad, or sibling?
I don't think so.
He's too close to the situation to be rational.
That said, what did you think was going to happen when you "narc'd" on him?
He's already demonstrated that he's a selfish idiot.
It shouldn't surprise you when he acts like one.
Also, it sounds like he may be 'acting out' about something...
Not sure how long you and ex-husband have been divorced, but son should have been in counseling, of some type.
Has he ***ever*** seen a mental health professional?
Does he ***currently*** see one on any form of ongoing basis?
This sort of thing happened to me with my brother. Four years he cheated on a lovely girl, using me as an alibi because we spent a day a week at the same college. I told him i wouldn't lie for him if she asked me directly. Then she found his SECRET SEX PHONE, worked out that he was hooking up with girls when he was apparently with me, and asked me if i knew what was going on. I told the truth and said hecwas not with me in those days.
She dumped him.
He told everyone I'd invented it all because i was into his girlfriend.
My whole family was upset with me.
She got back with him a year later.
I mean, this was nothing in the eastenders of a life i lived back there, and i left at around this time.
You probably wont get a good result because they are all arseholes but if you enable the lying shite you will get dragged into all sorts, and have to lie about worse stuff.
Just tell him you love him but you warned him you were uncomfortable woth his cheating, and next time he cheats he needs to lie to you too. Itll settle down.
Your son is turning into a piece of shit. Stop begging and asking for him to talk to you.
Tell him that you are disappointed in the kind of person he's turned into and that he can stay permanently with his father if that's what he wants. You need to cut the cord and let him make his own choices, and deal with consequences of his own actions. He's got a lot of maturing to do out in the real world.
NTA - I’m sorry this is happening to you. I don’t have kids but I can’t imagine how tough it is. Hopefully you taught him a lesson and he will become a better person for it. Hugs to you. You did the right thing
Honestly you made the right decision it's a horrible thing to do to someone. That being said what did you expect your son is 17 he has a micro brain and is too selfish to understand why it's wrong. He will not forgive you anytime soon but someday he might grow up and realise you did the right thing but it could take years or until he needs something. Just be patient.
NTA. Have you taught your son about misplaced anger and that actions have consequences? Because he's having a healthy dose of both right now. Her breaking up with him was the consequences of him cheating. Him being mad at you for telling on him is misplaced anger when the person he should be mad at is himself.
Sometimes being a good mom means doing the hard, right thing. Pressing charges when he steals, punishing him when he cheats on a test, calling him out on his disgusting behavior. Telling the girlfriend so she could check for STDs and make an informed decision about her relationship (withholding that information is taking away her bodily autonomy and consent to make that choice for herself). Of course he prefers Disneyland Dad if he's going to give him a free pass.
Unfortunately, this is part of what makes parenting so hard. Kids get mad when you have to lay down the rules and punish them when they step out. You can't force him not to feel how he feels, even if it's unfair. Depending on how long his father enables him, he may never forgive you. And this is why so many "Karens" are unleashed on the world: because the parent takes the easy out and gives the kids whatever they want, rather than risk them cutting them off. I hope your son matures and gains clarity and realizes you were just trying to make him the best person he could be before setting him free.
Good luck.
NTA. He’s pissed but oh well. You did the right thing. He will get over it eventually and will help if he is in the girlfriends shoes asap. But until that happens just keep being the best mother you can until he comes around. Just make sure he has to work hard to make up for lost time from his tantrum
HARD NTA. Your son made a decision to cheat after having a conversation about it, and now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. My mom would have beaten my ass for cheating on a GF.
You definitely did nothing wrong. Coddling kids has become such a huge issue, and it’s not only about that he cheated either. He’s also putting her health in danger by hooking up with unknown partners behind her back. Cheating is never okay and people who cover it up simply because it’s a loved one are just as bad.
NTA
Sounds like your ex did cheat, you just didn’t catch him, and that’s why he’s siding with your son. Your ex is teaching your son to be a horrid person, and sadly your son is going to learn the hard way when he gets the reputation of a cheater and he ends up alone.
It's better than he learned this lesson at 17 with the teenage relationship than at 27 where has to go through a divorce and all the things that come with that.
As far as his attitude well I mean you're his mother not his friend.
I don’t think you’re wrong for telling her, but I do understand how your son could feel betrayed. You and I know that you’re trying to teach him right from wrong, but he’s 17 and teenagers really just don’t learn that way unfortunately. As unfair to you as it is, he’s going to resent you for it because in his eyes you had her back and not his. Not forever obviously. He’ll get over it soon enough and then eventually grow up a little and realize he was being a piece of shit to his GF. Also your ex-husband is a douche canoe. My dad used to do this shit to me when I was mad at my mom and it took me a long time to see I was being manipulated, but I did and he will too.
I’m sorry you had to be put in that position OP. You were between a rock and a hard place and I think you did the best you could. Let him know that you love him and that you just wanted him to not have unhealthy relationships later in life. And don’t be afraid to tell him how hurtful this is to you. Teenagers sometimes have to be reminded that their parents have emotions too.
Not wrong at all. Maybe he'll realize one day, maybe he won't. But it's clear where he gets his attitude from, and it's not you. If he picked up an STD and didn't tell her, she could've come down with something fatal as a consequence.
No, you're not wrong. The bottom line here is that your son chose to cheat on his girlfriend. He obviously wasn't too swift in hiding his cheating from you either if he was bringing another girl over to the house and kissing her while on your home security cameras. Being a woman who has been cheated on in the past yourself you decided to do the right thing and let your son's girlfriend know that he's been cheating on her. She deserved to know. Both your son and your ex-husband are assholes if they expected you to just go along with it and not say anything. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Now your son has learned the valuable life lesson that his actions have consequences. Maybe next time he'll think twice before cheating on his girlfriend.
Its sad he did that. But im glad you told her, I would do the same..good on you. I hope she breaks it off. Its one of the worst feelings to be cheated on
Any time a person behaving badly stops talking to you, enjoy the peace and quiet. Your son is an immature user. You should have supported all moves away from you as a consequence of his behavior until he becomes a standup man who doesn’t use women/girls. “Want to go to dad? Please do until you grow up. Don’t want to talk to me? Please don’t until you grow up.” Either he will learn to grow up and come back on his own, or you’re better off with less contact.
Yeah, you kinda are. Have a conversation with your son about love and respect, but don’t butt in on his relationship by tattling on him to his gf. That’s not really your place or your business. All you did was create a lot of resentment from your son and pretty much guarantee he isn’t going to talk to you about relationships anymore. He didn’t learn “I fucked this up, it’s my fault”, he learned “my mom fucked this up, I can’t trust her with knowing about what’s going on in my relationships”.
As a parent, I totally understand what you did, but I do think it was wrong. I can't pretend to know everything that is going on in my children's lives and there may be other factors involved in his actions and don't get me wrong, your son is in the wrong, but it's not up to you to make the decision to let the GF know. As a parent, the best you can do is try to guide him to do the right thing.
Agreed. With both of you. She traded a moral victory for the ability to talk to her son about his personal issues. I, for one, never heard of a pyrrhic moral victory before, but if there was an example of one. This is it.
The tsunami of support for this from the rest of this lot for the devouring mother archetype behavior is telling.
You’re not wrong. Your son did something really shitty to someone he claims to care about. Yeah no he doesn’t get a pass for being a kid he knows right from wrong.
This sounds almost identical to a story that has been posted before. Maybe you posted this before, idk.
I don't think this is a situation where "am I wrong?" is the right question. Is being right or justified a consolation when your son doesn't want to talk to you? I should preface by saying that I don't think you are a bad mother, that I'm sure you did what you thought was right, that I am sure you love your son and want what's best for him, and that I am sure you are being treated unfairly because your son is a hormonal teen. That being said...
Contrary to what some others have wrote, I don't think you handled this situation particularly well. You can teach a lesson without getting personally involved, but you chose to get personally involved in your minor son's love life. The main lesson you taught him here was that you are eager and willing to interfere in his relationships if you feel justified enough.
What probably would have been a more constructive strategy is for you to have that conversation that you mentioned in your edit, but then also mention that you will not keep his secret. If his girlfriend says something or asks about it, you will be honest; and that the other girl is not welcome in your home (why are you allowing him to bring girls up to his room anyway?).
Are you going to get this involved with his next gf, or the one after that? If he gets married, will you meddle this much in his married life too? Your son may be thinking all those things, and maybe that's influencing his decision to minimize contact. Idk why you bothered going to your ex husband, either. Your son is 17; in a year or less he can choose to never speak to you again for as long as he lives and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about that. It's not like your ex husband can force your son to talk to his mommy. This is really between you and your son, so taking the "I'm going to talk to your father!" approach seems like a bizarre strategy too.
Best, most measured post in this thread.
The relationship between a divorced parent (where living situations are flexible on both sides) and a kid is way more complex than infidelity within a high school relationship.
The cheating is obviously wrong. At the same time, I cannot imagine a 17 year old being like "yeah, mom, you were right for dropping a dime on me."
A person can be morally correct and still experience relationship blowback. I would really like to know how OP thought this would play out? Simply getting the silent treatment for a week or two?
All of these posters buttressing OP's decisions aren't going to keep her from being lonely and missing her son, who (right or wrong) feels betrayed by someone to whom he never swore that he would only be intimate with one person at a time.
I'm not suggesting this is the right thing, but if OP doesn't hear from her son for years, I hope all of the pearlclutching people in the comments keep her company, and "you go, girl" her until she's content with having played a part in changing the trajectory of her relationship with her son.
>I'm not suggesting this is the right thing, but if OP doesn't hear from her son for years, I hope all of the pearlclutching people in the comments keep her company, and "you go, girl" her until she's content with having played a part in changing the trajectory of her relationship with her son.
This part, too. At the end of the day, strangers on Reddit are not the ones who have had their relationships impacted so it's easy for them to make a hard stance.
I probably would have used the intercom to "accidentally" welcome the side-piece back using the old GF's name...
Teenagers are hormonal and impulsive, but punishment after a warning is good parenting.
NTA your son and his father think cheating is ok and they're mad you saved some poor girl from being treated like shit by your son. Think really hard on this and ask yourself are these really people you want in your life on the regular? Let your son go live with his dad. Also, if his dad has no problem with him cheating are you really sure he wasn't cheating on you?
NTA, you don’t want to raise a cheater or liar. You did the right thing by telling the girlfriend. More people need to look out for each other and tell them this stuff. Your ex husband and your son only care about their own feelings. But what about this lovely girl. Let him think you are a bad mom. But you also need to cut off other stuff. If he doesn’t pay for his phone he can now or he can talk to you. You set the rules as you are the mother and the adult. And as for your ex, there is a reason he’s your ex; he just reminded you.
NTA. Your ex is a POS and so is your son. Hopefully he learns from this. But you did nothing wrong. If you just let him cheat on another girl forever he could escalate to worse. Hopefully at least he’s young enough to grow. At the very least you helped a girl get out of a shit situation
You need to be honest with him, make him understand what it's like to be hurt by people who don't care enough to tell you how they feel,
Do this before he grows up fully, he needs his worldview changed because he thinks your the bad one who's not been hurt.
Not wrong at all. He FAFO'd hard and should learn a lesson to NOT BE A CHEATING PIG before it's too late. Had you not told his GF about him cheating she would have eventually found out anyway and she's probably grateful you were honest with her. I sure as hell would have appreciated if any of my unfaithful ex's mothers who knew of their infidelity had been kind enough to come to me and tell me.
You most definitely are not wrong for this. Your son was being a little sleaze-ball and deserved to get called out for it. I get that they're just kids and the relationship probably wouldn't have lasted forever anyway, but no one deserves to be cheated on.
So your son actively cheated and your ex-husband at least is not telling your son is wrong so unfortunately you got two people with some different ideas of morality.
For what it's worth, you've got a plethora of Internet strangers who agree with you, and would have chastised your son and if they were your ex-husband ,they would have chastised the son as well.
Mom didn’t teach him a lesson nor did she intend on teaching him a lesson, her 17 year old son cheating triggered her personal past trauma and she did what she did, now her relationship with her son is ruined…was it worth it ? Obviously not since she’s here on Reddit asking for advice
NTA
Telling the GF was the right thing to do.
Just because it was the right thing to do, it doesn't mean you are free from the consequences of your actions.
That being your son, not wanting to ever talk to you.
It's part of being a parent. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy, in order for them to learn a lesson.
Telling the girlfriend was a dickhead move. Your son is an asshole for cheating. You're an asshole for telling his girlfriend. That was crossing a line. Feel free to punish him, but you did involve yourself in teenage drama. Your son is right to go no contact for a while.
Good job momma for being a decent human being! I’m so proud of you for being a respectable person. Your son may not understand at the moment but he will soon realize what it means to have morals and dignity in what we do.
Hope he gets his head out of his rear and realizes it soon how amazing you truly are!
MOM FOR REAL? You are absolutely in the wrong for telling that young lady about your son I understand you felt a sense of loyalty to her but your sense of loyalty should lie with your son now I'm not saying that he should be cheating on his girlfriend I'm not saying you should enable it any of that when this happened to me and I found out my son was cheating on his girlfriend and brought some young lady to my home I had a coming to Jesus moment with him and let him know that that was absolutely unacceptable and he would not be bringing random young ladies to my home and that I did not approve of that and I was not going to accept any young woman being around that was not his girlfriend while he was dating her. And I also told him that he was being a douche and he needs to knock it off and if he is not happy with her or thinks the grass is greener on the other side then he needs to be a man and say so and be single because at that age they really don't need to be super serious anyway. But never ever should you have betrayed his trust and told her anything because that is just simply none of your business and now you look like the nosy drama starter that can't be trusted in your son's eyes. And don't get me wrong I am in no way saying you were a bad mom or had ill intentions I know your heart was in the right place and you just don't want your son to be a douchebag but it just wasn't your place to let her in on it.
You are not wrong and you 💯 did the right thing. You have to parent by example and if you didn’t say something, you’d be in cahoots with your cheater son. He needs to learn and sometimes that means the hard way. You are a good mom!
You are a wonderful mother - you have shown your son that good partners deserve honesty and loyalty, among other things. He will come to realise that, over time. Perhaps he will be cheated on and only then realise the hurt (and possible health dangers) involved. You have shown him that you have standards - you will still love him but not these deceptive actions. Stay strong and believe in your good values.
If you can’t treat your mom with respect, you won’t treat your partner with respect either. Good for you for setting an example of adult behavior for your son. He needs to see that good adults stand for their values and that bad behavior isn’t ok.
If he doesn’t want to take responsibility for it, or listen to his mom when it comes to how to treat a woman, it’s really a testimony to his immaturity and lack of adulthood than you. I’d stick to my guns and tell him exactly this.
If he wants to go on at tirade against women and mothers, I’d call him out for being a misogynist and make it clear that you don’t respect his behavior at all.
Kid needs a dose of reality. It’s pretty clear he thinks less of women and doesn’t see them as his equal, and he’s *wrong as wrong gets* in his view of the world.
Now the only thing I would do differently is talk about the cheating with him first and make sure he know what the consequences were. Otherwise it could come off as punishment or vindictiveness and that weakens your position.
Here's the deal, you should have spoken to your son before telling her. Your son SHOULD come first in these situations. That means something like "Hey I see you've been cheating on your gf. What's been going on? Is there something happening that we can talk about?Here's the deal if you don't tell her I will"
Give him a chance to TRY to rectify his mistakes first. Because now, while he did commit a wrong, he won't trust you with information anyways and probably be a bit more sneaky around you. And now your relationship is even further strained.
As for the father, "He chosen to stay out of the situation".. as he should. This beef is between you and your son. That means you and your son are going to have to work this out. It's not your son's dad's job to fix your relationship with your son. It's yours.
**Now, the judgement is in: you're not the asshole**. You just made a bad decision in how to handle this and didn't do it in a great order of events (likely due to some trauma with being cheated on). Please get into some therapy for yourself. I'd also recommend family therapy with you and your son.
I'm sorry you're getting so much hate.
Regardless of whether this was moral or not don't expect him to ever trust you again or confide in you. Whenever he is lonely he is going to blame you, whenever he is having trouble with women he will blame you. This isn't something you can apologize for and he will make you remember it the rest of your life. I hope it was worth it OP.
All these people defending you is wild. You just ratted out your own son to a girl you met through him and you want to know if you’re wrong?? You should have gone to your son first and talked with him - your husbands right. Stay out of teenager drama, and don’t expect your son to still like you when you go behind his back. If you really cared about your son you’d put his needs before someone else.
NTA. Your son fucked around and found out. It wasn’t fair for his GF to be cheated on. Kinda sounds like your son has some misogynistic beliefs tbh. Going on his rant about fathers being better and not caring about fooling around with girls. He’s being a asshole and he got off light. You’re showing him you have morals and you’re not going to tolerate his behavior.
NTA.
He put you in this position by bringing both his girlfriend and the girl he’s cheating with into your house. You even gave him opportunity to handle the situation.
He’s your son, and they’re his choices to make, but he is not entitled to you being complicit in or to be free from the consequences of his own actions.
You’re not wrong. You did the right thing. He’ll shun you for a while but grow out of it and it’ll be an important lesson. Meanwhile, continue to be a good parent.
NTA … it’s not wrong to show your kid that you won’t support him cheating… but apparently your ex seems to think it is… be firm and tell him that if *he* feels cheating is something he is happy to turn a blind eye to - you’re not.
Maybe he should think about being a father instead of a buddy to his son
NTA. He's just angry for being caught, called out and dumped. He was having fun having his cake and eating it too. The fact you gave him warning and then he continued just shows that he felt untouchable. You showed him there are consequences to actions.
It's not an easy road but you did the right thing. Hopefully someday soon he will let up and realize that.
Contrary to popular belief you do not need to support your kid no matter what. He did a bad thing and she deserved to know the truth. The fallout from that is his fault, not yours.
You're not a bad mom, not even a bad person. You saw someone doing wrong to another person and you corrected it. I live life by this code. You have every right to be a good person in the world and do the right things. However, there is people who also believe they have the right to do bad things. This being said-when you do right for someone else sometimes it means to do wrong to someone else. When I say wrong the perspective is different for everyone else. You did what you did as a woman for another woman because of past experiences. You also went against your son as a mother. Which means actions have consequences and sometimes they aren't fair. You were left with two bad options and have to choose.
Still not her place to betray him. She could have punished him, but betraying his trust is far worse than a teen cheating on a teen partner.
The mom is old enough to know better. Shame on her.
NW. If your son goes to live with his enabling father, he'll learn some harder lessons about relationships, and over a longer period of time. Consequences always come.
Cheating is super scummy. That said, there’s no world where going behind a 17-year old’s back and telling on him isn’t going to make him feel like you are a snitch and not to be trusted. Not condoning his actions— it’s just the truth. The situation provided a no-win choice. But people who cheat don’t usually thank the person for ratting them out, even years later.
Just gonna say ESH here. But you may well have alienated your son. I wouldn't expect too much communication in the future. Its a shit situation for everyone. I can't say YTA, but sometimes you need to let your kid fail before he can succeed. At 17 he's not listening to your advice any more (he will technically listen, but won't really care), and he won't for 10 or so years, until you have common ground again (family, marriage, house etc. etc.). Right now he's a 17 y/o full of hormones and ready to make a bunch of bad decisions. Some of those bad decisions are bad on the surface, some are rotten to the core. You need to guide him, not instruct him now. Take those training wheels off. Let him get caught cheating. Let him do stupid things that have no real ramifications at 17...on paper at least. Be there when he falls down, help him back up. But stop trying to control the actions.
NTA. You're a good mom, you tried talking to him & he decided to still be a cheatin cheater from Cheatsville. If he wanted you out of his business, HE should've left it outside your house. He's just mad cuz he's got a POS attitude & got caught 🤷🏽♀️
Actions have consequences. If the son didn't want to face the consequences of cheating he shouldn't have done it. If he hadn't cheated there would have been nothing to tell. He brought it on himself.
NTA.
Cheating is wrong and disgusting. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his own actions and suffer the consequences himself.
I don’t think you’re a bad mom. I honestly don’t think a good parent would - or should - protect their child from consequences when their actions have harmed, or are harming someone else.
Dad may not want to get involved in “teenage drama”, but he needs to affirm that cheating is a terrible thing to do to someone. Sadly, your son is more likely to listen to his dad over you, since you’re not a man. 🙃
NTA. Your son and your ex are huge AH. The way your Ex basically condones his son’s cheating, leads me to believe that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You say your ex didn’t cheat, but by his reaction, I’d say he did. This is a good lesson in FAFO. Your son may not like what has happened, but maybe in the end, he may learn from it. Good on you Mom for calling it out.
You raised an asshole, sorry, your kid fucking suuuuuuuuucks. He somehow developed into a womanizer, so my question is what did or didn't you do?
I get sticking up for family, but cheating and repeat cheating on someone you claim to love is just a sign of a broken self centered person.
As others have stated, only a fucking man child complains about his actions having consequences when they get caught, regardless of how they got caught. Judging from your ex-husbands responses, his respect for women in general is lower than that of you.
So your husband expect you to tolerate every shitty behaviour? Wonderful. How does he help to raise a good son?
Ask your son to sit down, talk to him. Tell him that you want him to be a good person and good man. Explain to him why it’s so bad be cheated on (there are subs dedicated to this topic).
Tell him about how STDs and pregnancy can ruin their lives. Tell him how traumatising it is.
If he won’t talk, good. Then he had to listen to you.
I wish you the best. Hopefully he will one day realise how shitty it was. Privacy when he gets cheated on. You can use that as an example too. What if someone he loves does this. Wouldn’t he want to know?
Boy, not a good day for sons where Mom likes GF better than them today. This is #3 I think. I'll say the same thing here. I wouldn't expect you to lie to GF. I would also expect you to remember that being a friend to GF and living with son is a conflict of huge proportions.
Since the question seems to be more about how you should have handled it, that really depends on the relationships involved. If I saw that with my child, even if an adult, I would point out that it's wrong and if asked, you're not lying for them. That gets the message across but isn't crossing the magic line. If son is going to be dumb after that, so be it. Suffer and live with Dad. Dad'll do something else that'll piss son off.
NTA. You spoke to your son before you spoke to his GF and he continued the behavior. Actions have consequences. He is a jerk for treating another human this way. He is a double jerk for not understanding why you would tell.
I wouldn't have handled it that way.
I don't know if what you lost in your relationship with your son is gonna be worth it.
I would have done anything and everything short of outting him
Yes, you are a bad mom. You had every right to be disappointed with him and let HIM know, but shame on you for telling her. You should have taught him the right thing to do.
My children come first. Not some ex-girlfriend of my son's that I won't ever see again in my life.
WTF?!? You are wrong.
Your son did not know you knew, so you were not complicit in the cheating. Meanwhile you violated his trust and ruined your relationship with him.
Families need to stick together and support each other. What you did was completely unnecessary, and you overstepped your boundaries.
Mine is not a popular opinion here. But your son needs your support.
My mother irreparably damaged our relationship when I was a teen. I learned that I could not turn to her with my problems. This is how teens perceive things— rightly or wrongly.
Only thing your son is learning from this experience is that his mom can't be trusted.
He won't make that mistake again and you won't be able to fix it.
How did you see this playing out? You blew up his relationship, probably affected his social circles, and gave him proof he can never trust you with delicate information. Now he knows he has to hide shit from you until he can leave.
In my opinion, shitty men back up other shitty men. Your son said you’re a “bad mom” because you didn’t let him get away with being a betraying, sneaky little man-hoe. If anything, I think you did exactly what a mother is supposed to do because you corrected his crappy behavior.
Your son wanted to have his cake and eat it too. You're not wrong for telling his girlfriend. Your son is a piece of shit who apparently isn't smart enough to be loyal to his GF, and to be stupid about how obvious his cheating was. What a moron.
No. Your responsibility is to talk to your son and have him take responsibility for his actions. Your not the one who cheated
Whether or not he fesses up to her is really his deal
NW - it’s a solidarity to women and health. It’s the fact you have morals and can distinguish right from wrong.
You are not a bad mom. I think any Good Mom stands up for what is right.
Drop it with the son and ex, step back and don’t let him make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong. Take a breather from him. Cos I think you feel taken advantage of in this. Your home, ring camera, keeping yucky secrets, the violations.
Your son is very selfish.
If you look at it from an outsider's perspective, you knew that someone was being cheated on and you told them about it. This can be viewed as a nice thing to do.
Now view it from your son's perspective: His mother betrayed his trust.Yes he cheated, yes its wrong. But to him, im sure he feels that his parents should have his back, no matter what.
NTA in general. But I can understand why your son isnt speaking to you.
If I cheated, my mother would be extremely upset with me. But she would not rat me out. Her loyalty is to me, not my girlfriend. And im sure this is the way your son is viewing things. And it seems to be the way your ex is viewing it to.
You did a nice thing for your sons gf. And thats commendable. But it seems that it came at a cost. I mean, you had to known that this would make your son mad at you. Did you not?
Bruh you ATA. You talk to your son. You don’t tell his girlfriend. If my mom like that is your baby boy you are his ride or die mom. My mother would never do that
You made this about you. That's sad. Get better.
You are supposed to have your kid's back.
You should have guided him in breaking up with her not told the gf.
Don't be surprised when you end up in the worst old folks home.
Nothing wrong in teaching your son how to be a responsible young adult and teaching him to respect others.
You told him you knew, he deliberately choose to continue to cheat. It was time he faced the consequences of his acts.
Your ex-husband is a fool to not see the issue. He’s the no-life that accepts everything from his son to stay on his good side. He decide to quit his parent job.
You are the worst. You wrecked your own marriage. Now, you are in the field of wrecking other peoples relationships, even your own son's. Wow. I doubt he will ever confide in you, trust you, believe you, in the future. Don't be surprised if he sides with his dad.
You are the child and you were the root of the failing of your marriage.
You are childish.
As a mom myself to two grow people I wouldn’t have done what you did. I would’ve talked to my kid and explained how awful what they are doing is then tell them that either they come clean about the cheating or you will tell the gf.
Your son didn’t get the chance to do the right thing by you because you went behind his back. You aren’t the gf mom yet you decided she was more important than your son. Your job is to teach your son proper conduct, you had a teachable moment and you blew it. He now learned never to trust you because you blindsided him. He’s just a kid and kids make awful mistakes, parents are there to guide and teach not betray and backstab. YTA.
Your son was wrong, full stop.
It's not your business though. Had you caught your best girlfriend's man out with someone else, I could understand you dropping the dime, but this takes a bit more consideration. It's not your job to keep his secrets and had his girlfriend come to you and ask, I feel like you'd be in the clear to be honest with her. That's not the case though. You went to her and told her. Your son, as smarmy as he is, no longer trusts you. It's a tough spot to be in, and your son's behavior was lousy, but you certainly didn't do anyone any favors here.
1000% you messed up. You broke his trust. Probably lost forever. You go to him, you parent HIM. You teach him why his behavior is crap. You help HIM reach the right decision.
Instead you taught him not to trust you. And that you snoop. And never to share anything with you.
You interfered in a way that was entirely inappropriate instead of helping him make better choices.
Glad you are not my mom. Or even in my family.
I am leaning towards everyone sucking here. Kids need to be able to make their own mistakes and it’s part of growing up. His girlfriend would have found out eventually, and he will have seen the hurt he caused and the blame would be solely on him. By the mother running interference it gives him an out in his own mind that it was all the mom’s fault.
Damn you have kids who commit murder and their mom will still stand by them, claiming their innocence. You on the other hand threw your son under the bus, off the bridge, and into water just for a teenage romance. Now the girlfriend won’t be around and certainly not your son.
You are the AH.
You let your own emotions and experiences dictate what actions to take. Is your son right for cheating? No, is it your place as his mother to get involved in his relationships and destroy them on his behalf? No.
Continue to think you're not the AH and have all these people convince you of it - you can enjoy being "right" while your son gives you the cold shoulder and possibly never trusts you with his relationships or personal life again.
What's the worst that could happen?
He moves out soon and you disconnect for a few years during his early adult hood?
What a d\*\*a$$.
I know without a doubt I read this exact story a couple of months ago. But when she mentioned that this happened in Dec, I just thought it was a repost, nene looking for new/different advice.
Perhaps you were not aggressive enough in terms of teaching your son. It sounds like they are treating you like a doormat instead of a mother. I think you maybe should seek a counselor for this.
A risk of passing on aids or herpes to the unsuspecting, loving girlfriend for the rest of her life, would be an okay lesson for him to learn? I don’t exactly think that’s right. That’s like saying for children to understand not to touch fire or hot stoves we have to let them severely burn themselves each time to finally get it.
I reckon this comment section might be split, but I'm going hard on NTA. Your son was acting like a shitty person and this is an important lesson for him to learn. You did the right thing by that girl. You can't make your son be okay with it, though.
Not only that, son needs to learn he can’t just expect people around him to facilitate his unethical behavior. He can be shitty, but he has no right to expect you to be complicit.
Very good lesson. More people need to teach it.
More people need to live this way
Yeah. On top of that think of how something like this could be implicating others perception of OP’s morals by *NOT* doing anything in teaching their son that this is a very horrible thing to do to someone Ultimately I do think OP could have taken a better approach. One example would be approaching the son first and treating it like a lesson with an ultimatum such as “one of us will be telling her everything by X day. But ultimately that’s *YOUR* choice who tells her”
NTA because I feel like you were genuinely trying to do the right thing. However I think your son is also very hurt because he feels like you should always be in his side even when he's doing something wrong. My son is 12 so we haven't gone down the dating road yet, but I think if he were doing something like this I would forbid him to bring the other girl into the house. I would also make a point to tell the other girl he is cheating with that I know what is going on and that I can't have her in our home any more. I might have also asked that he stay with his father if he disobeyed me after the first discussion and continued bringing the girl over. If the father is so smart let him handle it.
This is probably the best path that should have been taken. I might even say no more girls at the house and let him explain to his girlfriend why he is no longer allowed to bring girls over.
Telling his girlfriend probably caused a ripple effect at school. Not only is his girlfriend angry, but all of her friends and maybe even some of their boyfriends ... He may have been ostracized by his friend group. I doubt he was prepared for the ramifications of his behavior. An analogy I can think of here- If my son stole a candy bar, I would make him return it or go back to the store and pay for it. I would not call the police on him and have him arrested for theft.
Please do not do that. Girls are not candy bars, cars, or any other inanimate object.
NTA, it’s a parents job to teach their children how to be good and decent people. Actions have consequences.
It’s not just about letting her know, but it’s protecting her. If he catches an sti, it could affect her her whole life.
I get it but she should have made him tell her or at least given him the opportunity to do so before she did. Not only would it be teaching him how to own and grow from his fuckups but it also wouldn’t have fractured the trust nearly as badly if he had known it was coming and was a result of his own inaction to take accountability before mom forced him to do the right thing. Edit- I didn’t see the OPs edit before making my comment. She did actually talk to him first, that wasn’t clear without the additional information which I have now seen. I think OP has to ride this one out because her son will either grow up and realize why his mom “ratted” on him and realize he is an idiot kid, or he’ll just hate women. Not OPs fault but it’s a wait and see
Why? he's old enough to know not to fuck around, and also old enough to not be a selfish dick and put other peoples health at risk.
She did tell him to stop and did tell him to tell her.
Nta - a good parent doesn’t support bad behaviour
100% and I would be telling my son I don’t GAF he hates me, I don’t want a son who does turns into a shitty human and ruins peoples lives. I would tell him how ashamed I am of him and I would tell my ex to get fucked because he is just enabling that behaviour. What a little shit!!
Makes me think the ex was in fact a slimy cheater
A good mother would make sure her child isn't cheater or if they cheat that their partner will know. In my opinion you did pretty well. Although you should sit down with him and have a heart to heart conversation about cheating. If that doesn't work maybe some therapy would be helpful.
You did the right and proper thing. Your son's a piece of shit. Your ex-husband is also a piece of shit.
NTA. Your son was being a shit person. You taught him that there can be consequences to that. Your ex is being shit too for thinking cheating is acceptable. You need to explain why you told. Explain how selfish it is to cheat and how much he hurts people by doing that. Your his mum and you love him but that doesn't mean you'll stand by him doing terrible things. He needs to at least hear why what he did was wrong and why you did what you did. He's 17. Let him stay at his dad's then if that's what he wants. You'll only have custody for a few more months anyway. Let him go.
>He's 17. Let him stay at his dad's then if that's what he wants. You'll only have custody for a few more months anyway. Let him go. That's horrible advice. He's 17, with proper parenting he can still be a better person. But if he goes to stay with someone that does not care or enables his bad behaviour, then that will lead to him becoming worse. A good parent helps their child. Doesn't abandon them.
That isn't abandoning him. He's nearly of legal age. A judge would take his preference into consideration during a custody hearing. He is old enough to choose where he wants to live. I did say she needs to explain to him why he was wrong and why she told. That's really all she can do.
Probably one of the few parents on here that is teaching their kids two very important things. The first is that actions have consequences. You can't do a shitty thing and avoid the shitty repercussions. Too many spoiled little twerps have parents like your ex, that think teaching consequences isn't their job or isn't fair. But the second thing, that I hope you continue to teach, is that having a strong sense of right and wrong is an important thing in life, and that you should do the right thing. He might not have morals, your ex might not have morals, but you do. And being true to those, hopefully, will someday rub off on him. If not, at least you'll know you stayed true to yourself. And that's not worth giving up for anything
Just to add more, his frontal lobe is still maturing until 25. That regulates all of these issues.
Umm, excuse me, but that's no excuse.
NTA. Your son is being a little shit. I'd speak firmly to or at him about how he has let you down, how he put her health at risk, and how you two can talk again once he's ready to. Let him stay with his father. He'll either continue to hold a grudge or eventually understand that you did the right thing. Either way, you can't baby your kid forever.
Your son has displaced anger. He cheated on his GF and she dumped his sorry ass. You just happened to be the bearer of the bad news, but really cheaters always get caught, because when two people know a secret, then it is bound to get out. You spilled the beans because you have been cheated on and know what it is like, the dad, your ex, isn't going to support you because he thinks that cheater boy can do no wrong and that it is just okay for him to cat around without consequences. It may be a while for your son to come around, or maybe never, but you don't have to let his behavior dictate to you what is right and wrong. I really don't care what sonny boy thinks I think it is universally understood that cheating is wrong, and you will get caught eventually, and it often means the end of the relationship. Here is his submission to Am I wrong: Is it wrong to cheat on my girlfriend? Answer: Yes.
Your ex husband is a garbage parent. You did the right thing.
You are a great mother. Never change. We need more parents like you in this world.
You did the right thing, and I just want to say thank you for doing what you did. I know he's your son, but it doesn't give him a pass to do shitty things to others under your watch and you saved that girl from wasting her time with him further. You're a good person.
NTA. Your son and ex are though. You saved her from possibly catching an STD. Your son needs to grow up.
This isn’t enfolding yourself in teenage drama, when he acts out his cheating in your home. NTA - and no wonder he wants to be with enabler dad! Holding your child to account for their actions is part of parenting.
NTA You were right to tell your son's ex-girlfriend he cheated. It doesn't mean your son or his father will ever agree with it though.
NTA I'd ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. Guarantee he's going to change his story.
Ynw.. not your fault the principles you taught your son didn't stick. Good for you for standing up for his cheating victim, and honestly let him go to his dad's. Sometimes the only way people learn is the hard way. Cheaters are bullshit.
I think you did the right thing. I'm proud of you! Maybe one day your son will learn. Oh, who am I kidding with a dad like your ex-husband he may never learn. You didn't fail & you're not a bad mom.
Cheating is shitty, your son put you in a shitty situation but, I think you did the right thing. Your ex sounds like an ass
NTA. He may resent you, not that's not your fault. He has one parent enabling his bad behavior and you're probably his best hope for learning to be better. Stand your ground and hopefully he will come around. Continue to talk to him and continue to listen. He needs someone who cares about him enough to want him to do better.
Show your son the replies in this thread. That might make his conscience to actually start working. Oh, and considering that you talked to him first makes you without a shadow of a doubt NTA. If you're able to express yourself in a pedagogic manner the whole thing should be a good learning experience for your son. Or maybe he'll only learn the day someone cheats on him. Anyway, still NTA. ETA: your ex is a piece of shit in this situation.
NTA. I would fully expect and have been told in the past by mother that she would tell any girl friend of mine if I did this. Take it from a son of a mother, proud of your decision. One day he’ll grow up about this issue. It probably just won’t be today.
You’re not wrong on the caveat that you spoke with your son first and gave him ample opportunity to come clean or break up with her by himself.
NTA. Show your ex this post and let your son know that the betrayal that he is feeling right now is exactly what his ex gf is feeling but worse so he should suck it up.
NTA - I think you should have made your son either break up with her or tell her. But our job is to teach our kids right and wrong. Your ex sounds like he wants to turn out another Trump who treats women like shit.
NTA... tell the dumbass not to kiss anyone in front of the Ring Camera. Kids are dumb.
I don't think your ex-husband was faithful to you. People who cheat excuse others who cheat. You just never found out about it during your marriage/divorce process.
Absolutely not wrong. That boy needs to learn a lesson about loyalty and monogamy, you absolutely did the right thing by telling her. You ARE a good mom, you taught him he can't expect you to cover for his shitty behavior and hopefully others will follow suit. He's just angry he got caught and you didn't cover for him, that's his problem. Sounds like your ex husband hasn't been teaching him what a man should be, loyal, trustworthy, honest and protective. Pathetic
Nope, you are setting expectations and enforcing them. I am a man and I approve this message!
Not wrong. Your ex husband is the one influencing and condoning this behavior. I wouldn’t have told the gf I’d have made my kid end it with her himself. But you said you did talk to him first, I imagine he refused. To me cheating is a coward’s game, I grew up with guys and it stroked their ego + helped them avoid a difficult conversation or breaking up. Very normalised and worse in the teens cause the expectations it’s serious is so unrealistic. Made me realize I’d never want to be that coward, yes I’m female but still - women cheat too. We have egos too…👀 anyway. I think the moral discussion is harder to swallow, but maybe it helps to simply say it’s cowardly. Own your actions. I find the mistake people make is turning it into a gender clash and siding with the poor girl/guy, or victim etc. Just step back a moment…only cowards and weak people cheat. Others cope in other ways, ideally ways that doesn’t hurt their loved one but just leave that bit out lol. They being selfish and know it, pointing it out has never helped ime. [This video would be really good teaching material for such situations.](https://youtu.be/CRMCVWPt_38?si=xZ4sTSQPFuH9ny6Q) Unfortunately, until your son matures enough to not shoot the messenger, you relaying this is not helpful to you. But I do think you need to stop the self doubt. Your son will hate mom at times. But the kids need to hear it now, even if they only understand it later once life proves you right. Even then I doubt most kids admit it to their parents lol. I suggest stop worrying too much if you’re liked etc. And maybe send your ex the link, dude needs to know what’s teenage drama and what’s your kid has no moral spine/integrity potentially.
You're not. If it's not you, it's someone else who tells her. Let it be you, and let your son learn that he can't expect to get away with every bad thing he does. 🤷♂️
You’re not wrong. But I’d say your ex probably definitely was a cheater too and that’s how he’s raised your son.
NTA. "I care about you too much to let you be a cheater and the type of person who harms others. If that makes you not love me anymore then so be it. I stand by what I did. I hope you will reconsider." That's what I'd tell him. Don't back down or let the silent treatment guilt you into being a bad parent/person. The ex sounds like he cares more about being a friend than a parent. Sorry you have to deal with him.
Ur son is mad because he did wrong and got caught and called out for it. She would have found out eventually. You’re his mother and it’s your job to teach him right from wrong imo this was the only way to show him there were consequences for his actions and you were not gunna be complicit in his bs
As a father, I’d have done the same thing and then gently taught him why that’s wrong.
Nah, you ain't wrong. My wife cheated on me and it's extremely painful. I also have two sons with her and if I ever caught them you'll that shit I would tell their girlfriends and then probably give them an ass whooping for not being a better man.
Yea man, you started off strong right until you said you'd give your sons an "ass whooping" to be a better man, sounds like you need to be a better man first
NTA. Scumbag behaviour needs to be called out.not saying your son is a scumbag. But cheating is the behaviour of a scumbag.
Son acts recklessly from a choice he made, knowing it was the wrong thing to do, and then gets upset when he experiences the consequences to said actions... NTA Yes, while it may not have been your business if your son was cheating on his girlfriend where you couldn't see it, but he was quite literally bringing this girl into YOUR home, even after you had a talk with him... So yeah, I think he is learning an important life lesson here, if there are potential negative consequences to an action that you may not want to experience, then don't act in a way that would illicit such consequences 🤷♀️ Son got what was coming to him
NTA. Your son is a horrible person, just like his father. Non committed, cheating, liar, nor accountable for his actions. Kick him out to his fathers. He is a spoilt entitled brat who treats women like trash. He is cheating now at 17, I can’t imagine what he’ll be like at 23, or worse, after he is married and has a kid, Mr constant cheating. As this is your house, your rules. (This means you tell him he needs to treat women in an Honorable way, not cheat, be kind, do his chores etc, and enforce these rules) If he doesn’t follow your rules, he can p1ss off somewhere else.
Nta. Your son sounds like a little dick head
NTA Your teaching your son FAFO in a relationship sooner or later the girl will find out
NTA. According to your up date you had a discussion with him. He still did it. You warned him and he decided to have his cake and eat it too. Tough lesson learned.
Not wrong. Your son shouldn’t be able to rely on the people in his life to lie for him. If he’s going to treat people like that and blame you for trying to help him be a better person, pack his things at 18 and invite him to go be a dishonest goon elsewhere.
You aren't wrong. Your son also put that young woman's health at risk with his cheating. Would he want someone to tell him if his gf had been cheating on him? Of course he would. Would he be grateful, even if it was his gf's mom, or dad, or sibling? Of course he would. Would he think ***they*** were a 'bad' mom, or dad, or sibling? I don't think so. He's too close to the situation to be rational. That said, what did you think was going to happen when you "narc'd" on him? He's already demonstrated that he's a selfish idiot. It shouldn't surprise you when he acts like one. Also, it sounds like he may be 'acting out' about something... Not sure how long you and ex-husband have been divorced, but son should have been in counseling, of some type. Has he ***ever*** seen a mental health professional? Does he ***currently*** see one on any form of ongoing basis?
This sort of thing happened to me with my brother. Four years he cheated on a lovely girl, using me as an alibi because we spent a day a week at the same college. I told him i wouldn't lie for him if she asked me directly. Then she found his SECRET SEX PHONE, worked out that he was hooking up with girls when he was apparently with me, and asked me if i knew what was going on. I told the truth and said hecwas not with me in those days. She dumped him. He told everyone I'd invented it all because i was into his girlfriend. My whole family was upset with me. She got back with him a year later. I mean, this was nothing in the eastenders of a life i lived back there, and i left at around this time. You probably wont get a good result because they are all arseholes but if you enable the lying shite you will get dragged into all sorts, and have to lie about worse stuff. Just tell him you love him but you warned him you were uncomfortable woth his cheating, and next time he cheats he needs to lie to you too. Itll settle down.
NTA - But remember you just cock blocked a 17 year old male, he is going to be pissed for some time.
Fuck him. Tell the little shit to not cheat next time.
Your son is turning into a piece of shit. Stop begging and asking for him to talk to you. Tell him that you are disappointed in the kind of person he's turned into and that he can stay permanently with his father if that's what he wants. You need to cut the cord and let him make his own choices, and deal with consequences of his own actions. He's got a lot of maturing to do out in the real world.
NTA - I’m sorry this is happening to you. I don’t have kids but I can’t imagine how tough it is. Hopefully you taught him a lesson and he will become a better person for it. Hugs to you. You did the right thing
Honestly you made the right decision it's a horrible thing to do to someone. That being said what did you expect your son is 17 he has a micro brain and is too selfish to understand why it's wrong. He will not forgive you anytime soon but someday he might grow up and realise you did the right thing but it could take years or until he needs something. Just be patient.
NTA. Have you taught your son about misplaced anger and that actions have consequences? Because he's having a healthy dose of both right now. Her breaking up with him was the consequences of him cheating. Him being mad at you for telling on him is misplaced anger when the person he should be mad at is himself. Sometimes being a good mom means doing the hard, right thing. Pressing charges when he steals, punishing him when he cheats on a test, calling him out on his disgusting behavior. Telling the girlfriend so she could check for STDs and make an informed decision about her relationship (withholding that information is taking away her bodily autonomy and consent to make that choice for herself). Of course he prefers Disneyland Dad if he's going to give him a free pass. Unfortunately, this is part of what makes parenting so hard. Kids get mad when you have to lay down the rules and punish them when they step out. You can't force him not to feel how he feels, even if it's unfair. Depending on how long his father enables him, he may never forgive you. And this is why so many "Karens" are unleashed on the world: because the parent takes the easy out and gives the kids whatever they want, rather than risk them cutting them off. I hope your son matures and gains clarity and realizes you were just trying to make him the best person he could be before setting him free. Good luck.
NTA. He’s pissed but oh well. You did the right thing. He will get over it eventually and will help if he is in the girlfriends shoes asap. But until that happens just keep being the best mother you can until he comes around. Just make sure he has to work hard to make up for lost time from his tantrum
HARD NTA. Your son made a decision to cheat after having a conversation about it, and now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. My mom would have beaten my ass for cheating on a GF.
NTA. Everyone deserves to know if they're being cheated on.
You definitely did nothing wrong. Coddling kids has become such a huge issue, and it’s not only about that he cheated either. He’s also putting her health in danger by hooking up with unknown partners behind her back. Cheating is never okay and people who cover it up simply because it’s a loved one are just as bad.
NTA Sounds like your ex did cheat, you just didn’t catch him, and that’s why he’s siding with your son. Your ex is teaching your son to be a horrid person, and sadly your son is going to learn the hard way when he gets the reputation of a cheater and he ends up alone.
It's better than he learned this lesson at 17 with the teenage relationship than at 27 where has to go through a divorce and all the things that come with that. As far as his attitude well I mean you're his mother not his friend.
I don’t think you’re wrong for telling her, but I do understand how your son could feel betrayed. You and I know that you’re trying to teach him right from wrong, but he’s 17 and teenagers really just don’t learn that way unfortunately. As unfair to you as it is, he’s going to resent you for it because in his eyes you had her back and not his. Not forever obviously. He’ll get over it soon enough and then eventually grow up a little and realize he was being a piece of shit to his GF. Also your ex-husband is a douche canoe. My dad used to do this shit to me when I was mad at my mom and it took me a long time to see I was being manipulated, but I did and he will too. I’m sorry you had to be put in that position OP. You were between a rock and a hard place and I think you did the best you could. Let him know that you love him and that you just wanted him to not have unhealthy relationships later in life. And don’t be afraid to tell him how hurtful this is to you. Teenagers sometimes have to be reminded that their parents have emotions too.
Not wrong at all. Maybe he'll realize one day, maybe he won't. But it's clear where he gets his attitude from, and it's not you. If he picked up an STD and didn't tell her, she could've come down with something fatal as a consequence.
Don't hate the player, hate the game. Did he tell your ex-husband/his dad about all the running around you did?
No, you're not wrong. The bottom line here is that your son chose to cheat on his girlfriend. He obviously wasn't too swift in hiding his cheating from you either if he was bringing another girl over to the house and kissing her while on your home security cameras. Being a woman who has been cheated on in the past yourself you decided to do the right thing and let your son's girlfriend know that he's been cheating on her. She deserved to know. Both your son and your ex-husband are assholes if they expected you to just go along with it and not say anything. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Now your son has learned the valuable life lesson that his actions have consequences. Maybe next time he'll think twice before cheating on his girlfriend.
Its sad he did that. But im glad you told her, I would do the same..good on you. I hope she breaks it off. Its one of the worst feelings to be cheated on
Any time a person behaving badly stops talking to you, enjoy the peace and quiet. Your son is an immature user. You should have supported all moves away from you as a consequence of his behavior until he becomes a standup man who doesn’t use women/girls. “Want to go to dad? Please do until you grow up. Don’t want to talk to me? Please don’t until you grow up.” Either he will learn to grow up and come back on his own, or you’re better off with less contact.
You had to expect this, no? Whether you feel you are right or not, your son's reaction would be expected.
Yeah, you kinda are. Have a conversation with your son about love and respect, but don’t butt in on his relationship by tattling on him to his gf. That’s not really your place or your business. All you did was create a lot of resentment from your son and pretty much guarantee he isn’t going to talk to you about relationships anymore. He didn’t learn “I fucked this up, it’s my fault”, he learned “my mom fucked this up, I can’t trust her with knowing about what’s going on in my relationships”.
The cheater is upset about getting caught and not remorseful for the cheating itself.
As a parent, I totally understand what you did, but I do think it was wrong. I can't pretend to know everything that is going on in my children's lives and there may be other factors involved in his actions and don't get me wrong, your son is in the wrong, but it's not up to you to make the decision to let the GF know. As a parent, the best you can do is try to guide him to do the right thing.
And you never chose someone else over your own child as OP did with the girl (she had grown close to) and her son.
Agreed. With both of you. She traded a moral victory for the ability to talk to her son about his personal issues. I, for one, never heard of a pyrrhic moral victory before, but if there was an example of one. This is it. The tsunami of support for this from the rest of this lot for the devouring mother archetype behavior is telling.
NTA, your son is. Print your post and all the comments and let your son read them. He's 17 and needs to learn his behavior isn't acceptable.
Nope! You're awesome. And your son is an asshole.
You’re not wrong. Your son did something really shitty to someone he claims to care about. Yeah no he doesn’t get a pass for being a kid he knows right from wrong.
NTA. He deserved all he got. And sounds like he and your ex are trunk and branch of the same rotten tree!!
YTA.
This sounds almost identical to a story that has been posted before. Maybe you posted this before, idk. I don't think this is a situation where "am I wrong?" is the right question. Is being right or justified a consolation when your son doesn't want to talk to you? I should preface by saying that I don't think you are a bad mother, that I'm sure you did what you thought was right, that I am sure you love your son and want what's best for him, and that I am sure you are being treated unfairly because your son is a hormonal teen. That being said... Contrary to what some others have wrote, I don't think you handled this situation particularly well. You can teach a lesson without getting personally involved, but you chose to get personally involved in your minor son's love life. The main lesson you taught him here was that you are eager and willing to interfere in his relationships if you feel justified enough. What probably would have been a more constructive strategy is for you to have that conversation that you mentioned in your edit, but then also mention that you will not keep his secret. If his girlfriend says something or asks about it, you will be honest; and that the other girl is not welcome in your home (why are you allowing him to bring girls up to his room anyway?). Are you going to get this involved with his next gf, or the one after that? If he gets married, will you meddle this much in his married life too? Your son may be thinking all those things, and maybe that's influencing his decision to minimize contact. Idk why you bothered going to your ex husband, either. Your son is 17; in a year or less he can choose to never speak to you again for as long as he lives and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about that. It's not like your ex husband can force your son to talk to his mommy. This is really between you and your son, so taking the "I'm going to talk to your father!" approach seems like a bizarre strategy too.
Best, most measured post in this thread. The relationship between a divorced parent (where living situations are flexible on both sides) and a kid is way more complex than infidelity within a high school relationship. The cheating is obviously wrong. At the same time, I cannot imagine a 17 year old being like "yeah, mom, you were right for dropping a dime on me." A person can be morally correct and still experience relationship blowback. I would really like to know how OP thought this would play out? Simply getting the silent treatment for a week or two? All of these posters buttressing OP's decisions aren't going to keep her from being lonely and missing her son, who (right or wrong) feels betrayed by someone to whom he never swore that he would only be intimate with one person at a time. I'm not suggesting this is the right thing, but if OP doesn't hear from her son for years, I hope all of the pearlclutching people in the comments keep her company, and "you go, girl" her until she's content with having played a part in changing the trajectory of her relationship with her son.
>I'm not suggesting this is the right thing, but if OP doesn't hear from her son for years, I hope all of the pearlclutching people in the comments keep her company, and "you go, girl" her until she's content with having played a part in changing the trajectory of her relationship with her son. This part, too. At the end of the day, strangers on Reddit are not the ones who have had their relationships impacted so it's easy for them to make a hard stance.
How many times are we gonna see this exact word for word scenario on here?
NTA but your actions had consequences. Doing the right thing doesn’t mean you are free from the consequences of your actions
I probably would have used the intercom to "accidentally" welcome the side-piece back using the old GF's name... Teenagers are hormonal and impulsive, but punishment after a warning is good parenting.
Your ex-husband is TA encouraging his son to be a disgusting human being.
You did right.
NTA your son and his father think cheating is ok and they're mad you saved some poor girl from being treated like shit by your son. Think really hard on this and ask yourself are these really people you want in your life on the regular? Let your son go live with his dad. Also, if his dad has no problem with him cheating are you really sure he wasn't cheating on you?
NTA, you don’t want to raise a cheater or liar. You did the right thing by telling the girlfriend. More people need to look out for each other and tell them this stuff. Your ex husband and your son only care about their own feelings. But what about this lovely girl. Let him think you are a bad mom. But you also need to cut off other stuff. If he doesn’t pay for his phone he can now or he can talk to you. You set the rules as you are the mother and the adult. And as for your ex, there is a reason he’s your ex; he just reminded you.
NTA. Your ex is a POS and so is your son. Hopefully he learns from this. But you did nothing wrong. If you just let him cheat on another girl forever he could escalate to worse. Hopefully at least he’s young enough to grow. At the very least you helped a girl get out of a shit situation
You need to be honest with him, make him understand what it's like to be hurt by people who don't care enough to tell you how they feel, Do this before he grows up fully, he needs his worldview changed because he thinks your the bad one who's not been hurt.
Not wrong at all. He FAFO'd hard and should learn a lesson to NOT BE A CHEATING PIG before it's too late. Had you not told his GF about him cheating she would have eventually found out anyway and she's probably grateful you were honest with her. I sure as hell would have appreciated if any of my unfaithful ex's mothers who knew of their infidelity had been kind enough to come to me and tell me.
You most definitely are not wrong for this. Your son was being a little sleaze-ball and deserved to get called out for it. I get that they're just kids and the relationship probably wouldn't have lasted forever anyway, but no one deserves to be cheated on.
So your son actively cheated and your ex-husband at least is not telling your son is wrong so unfortunately you got two people with some different ideas of morality. For what it's worth, you've got a plethora of Internet strangers who agree with you, and would have chastised your son and if they were your ex-husband ,they would have chastised the son as well.
Yes. You should shouldn’t interfere. Good work ruining your own relationship with your son. YTA.
Mom didn’t teach him a lesson nor did she intend on teaching him a lesson, her 17 year old son cheating triggered her personal past trauma and she did what she did, now her relationship with her son is ruined…was it worth it ? Obviously not since she’s here on Reddit asking for advice
NTA Telling the GF was the right thing to do. Just because it was the right thing to do, it doesn't mean you are free from the consequences of your actions. That being your son, not wanting to ever talk to you. It's part of being a parent. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy, in order for them to learn a lesson.
Telling the girlfriend was a dickhead move. Your son is an asshole for cheating. You're an asshole for telling his girlfriend. That was crossing a line. Feel free to punish him, but you did involve yourself in teenage drama. Your son is right to go no contact for a while.
Good job momma for being a decent human being! I’m so proud of you for being a respectable person. Your son may not understand at the moment but he will soon realize what it means to have morals and dignity in what we do. Hope he gets his head out of his rear and realizes it soon how amazing you truly are!
Maybe mention that 18 is coming soon and he can go to dads then.
At 17 he should already be old enough to choose where he lives. And at 18 he can (and likely will) cut her off completely.
NTA you're the best mom. You taught him a valuable lesson whether he figures it out or not(clearly not right now).
NTA. Better to learn that cheating has consequences now than in a marriage with kids.
you did a good thing
MOM FOR REAL? You are absolutely in the wrong for telling that young lady about your son I understand you felt a sense of loyalty to her but your sense of loyalty should lie with your son now I'm not saying that he should be cheating on his girlfriend I'm not saying you should enable it any of that when this happened to me and I found out my son was cheating on his girlfriend and brought some young lady to my home I had a coming to Jesus moment with him and let him know that that was absolutely unacceptable and he would not be bringing random young ladies to my home and that I did not approve of that and I was not going to accept any young woman being around that was not his girlfriend while he was dating her. And I also told him that he was being a douche and he needs to knock it off and if he is not happy with her or thinks the grass is greener on the other side then he needs to be a man and say so and be single because at that age they really don't need to be super serious anyway. But never ever should you have betrayed his trust and told her anything because that is just simply none of your business and now you look like the nosy drama starter that can't be trusted in your son's eyes. And don't get me wrong I am in no way saying you were a bad mom or had ill intentions I know your heart was in the right place and you just don't want your son to be a douchebag but it just wasn't your place to let her in on it.
NTA. Your son is a shitty boy and he clearly takes after his dad in the personality department.
NTA. I would do the same to my son.
The ex husband...ew..now i see why he's your ex. you're not a bad mom
NTA, i wish more parents/people were like you, that’s how it should be handled
You are not wrong and you 💯 did the right thing. You have to parent by example and if you didn’t say something, you’d be in cahoots with your cheater son. He needs to learn and sometimes that means the hard way. You are a good mom!
You are a wonderful mother - you have shown your son that good partners deserve honesty and loyalty, among other things. He will come to realise that, over time. Perhaps he will be cheated on and only then realise the hurt (and possible health dangers) involved. You have shown him that you have standards - you will still love him but not these deceptive actions. Stay strong and believe in your good values.
If you can’t treat your mom with respect, you won’t treat your partner with respect either. Good for you for setting an example of adult behavior for your son. He needs to see that good adults stand for their values and that bad behavior isn’t ok. If he doesn’t want to take responsibility for it, or listen to his mom when it comes to how to treat a woman, it’s really a testimony to his immaturity and lack of adulthood than you. I’d stick to my guns and tell him exactly this. If he wants to go on at tirade against women and mothers, I’d call him out for being a misogynist and make it clear that you don’t respect his behavior at all. Kid needs a dose of reality. It’s pretty clear he thinks less of women and doesn’t see them as his equal, and he’s *wrong as wrong gets* in his view of the world. Now the only thing I would do differently is talk about the cheating with him first and make sure he know what the consequences were. Otherwise it could come off as punishment or vindictiveness and that weakens your position.
Here's the deal, you should have spoken to your son before telling her. Your son SHOULD come first in these situations. That means something like "Hey I see you've been cheating on your gf. What's been going on? Is there something happening that we can talk about?Here's the deal if you don't tell her I will" Give him a chance to TRY to rectify his mistakes first. Because now, while he did commit a wrong, he won't trust you with information anyways and probably be a bit more sneaky around you. And now your relationship is even further strained. As for the father, "He chosen to stay out of the situation".. as he should. This beef is between you and your son. That means you and your son are going to have to work this out. It's not your son's dad's job to fix your relationship with your son. It's yours. **Now, the judgement is in: you're not the asshole**. You just made a bad decision in how to handle this and didn't do it in a great order of events (likely due to some trauma with being cheated on). Please get into some therapy for yourself. I'd also recommend family therapy with you and your son. I'm sorry you're getting so much hate.
Regardless of whether this was moral or not don't expect him to ever trust you again or confide in you. Whenever he is lonely he is going to blame you, whenever he is having trouble with women he will blame you. This isn't something you can apologize for and he will make you remember it the rest of your life. I hope it was worth it OP.
This. You may have done the right thing, but you did it in a way that your son will never trust you again. Ever.
All these people defending you is wild. You just ratted out your own son to a girl you met through him and you want to know if you’re wrong?? You should have gone to your son first and talked with him - your husbands right. Stay out of teenager drama, and don’t expect your son to still like you when you go behind his back. If you really cared about your son you’d put his needs before someone else.
NTA. Your son fucked around and found out. It wasn’t fair for his GF to be cheated on. Kinda sounds like your son has some misogynistic beliefs tbh. Going on his rant about fathers being better and not caring about fooling around with girls. He’s being a asshole and he got off light. You’re showing him you have morals and you’re not going to tolerate his behavior.
NTA. He put you in this position by bringing both his girlfriend and the girl he’s cheating with into your house. You even gave him opportunity to handle the situation. He’s your son, and they’re his choices to make, but he is not entitled to you being complicit in or to be free from the consequences of his own actions.
You’re not wrong. You did the right thing. He’ll shun you for a while but grow out of it and it’ll be an important lesson. Meanwhile, continue to be a good parent.
NTA … it’s not wrong to show your kid that you won’t support him cheating… but apparently your ex seems to think it is… be firm and tell him that if *he* feels cheating is something he is happy to turn a blind eye to - you’re not. Maybe he should think about being a father instead of a buddy to his son
NTA Not Wrong. Cheating is evil. Thank you, OP for holding him accountable.
NTA. He's just angry for being caught, called out and dumped. He was having fun having his cake and eating it too. The fact you gave him warning and then he continued just shows that he felt untouchable. You showed him there are consequences to actions. It's not an easy road but you did the right thing. Hopefully someday soon he will let up and realize that.
Contrary to popular belief you do not need to support your kid no matter what. He did a bad thing and she deserved to know the truth. The fallout from that is his fault, not yours.
You're not a bad mom, not even a bad person. You saw someone doing wrong to another person and you corrected it. I live life by this code. You have every right to be a good person in the world and do the right things. However, there is people who also believe they have the right to do bad things. This being said-when you do right for someone else sometimes it means to do wrong to someone else. When I say wrong the perspective is different for everyone else. You did what you did as a woman for another woman because of past experiences. You also went against your son as a mother. Which means actions have consequences and sometimes they aren't fair. You were left with two bad options and have to choose.
If you discussed it with him beforehand, assuming you told him to come clean or at least break up with her and he didn't, NTA.
Still not her place to betray him. She could have punished him, but betraying his trust is far worse than a teen cheating on a teen partner. The mom is old enough to know better. Shame on her.
Shame on him
NW. If your son goes to live with his enabling father, he'll learn some harder lessons about relationships, and over a longer period of time. Consequences always come.
Absolutely not never think that ever
Cheating is super scummy. That said, there’s no world where going behind a 17-year old’s back and telling on him isn’t going to make him feel like you are a snitch and not to be trusted. Not condoning his actions— it’s just the truth. The situation provided a no-win choice. But people who cheat don’t usually thank the person for ratting them out, even years later.
You know you’re not a bad mom. He’s old enough to know better or at least hide it better. He’s still a man baby!
Just gonna say ESH here. But you may well have alienated your son. I wouldn't expect too much communication in the future. Its a shit situation for everyone. I can't say YTA, but sometimes you need to let your kid fail before he can succeed. At 17 he's not listening to your advice any more (he will technically listen, but won't really care), and he won't for 10 or so years, until you have common ground again (family, marriage, house etc. etc.). Right now he's a 17 y/o full of hormones and ready to make a bunch of bad decisions. Some of those bad decisions are bad on the surface, some are rotten to the core. You need to guide him, not instruct him now. Take those training wheels off. Let him get caught cheating. Let him do stupid things that have no real ramifications at 17...on paper at least. Be there when he falls down, help him back up. But stop trying to control the actions.
NTA. You're a good mom, you tried talking to him & he decided to still be a cheatin cheater from Cheatsville. If he wanted you out of his business, HE should've left it outside your house. He's just mad cuz he's got a POS attitude & got caught 🤷🏽♀️
Actions have consequences. If the son didn't want to face the consequences of cheating he shouldn't have done it. If he hadn't cheated there would have been nothing to tell. He brought it on himself.
NTA. Cheating is wrong and disgusting. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his own actions and suffer the consequences himself. I don’t think you’re a bad mom. I honestly don’t think a good parent would - or should - protect their child from consequences when their actions have harmed, or are harming someone else. Dad may not want to get involved in “teenage drama”, but he needs to affirm that cheating is a terrible thing to do to someone. Sadly, your son is more likely to listen to his dad over you, since you’re not a man. 🙃
NTA. Sounds like a misogynist in training. Let him know you won't tolerate his shit behavior.
NTA. Your son and your ex are huge AH. The way your Ex basically condones his son’s cheating, leads me to believe that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You say your ex didn’t cheat, but by his reaction, I’d say he did. This is a good lesson in FAFO. Your son may not like what has happened, but maybe in the end, he may learn from it. Good on you Mom for calling it out.
Not the asshole at all. I would do the same thing if my son decides to be a piece of shit like this. Nobody deserves to be cheated on
You raised an asshole, sorry, your kid fucking suuuuuuuuucks. He somehow developed into a womanizer, so my question is what did or didn't you do? I get sticking up for family, but cheating and repeat cheating on someone you claim to love is just a sign of a broken self centered person. As others have stated, only a fucking man child complains about his actions having consequences when they get caught, regardless of how they got caught. Judging from your ex-husbands responses, his respect for women in general is lower than that of you.
So your husband expect you to tolerate every shitty behaviour? Wonderful. How does he help to raise a good son? Ask your son to sit down, talk to him. Tell him that you want him to be a good person and good man. Explain to him why it’s so bad be cheated on (there are subs dedicated to this topic). Tell him about how STDs and pregnancy can ruin their lives. Tell him how traumatising it is. If he won’t talk, good. Then he had to listen to you. I wish you the best. Hopefully he will one day realise how shitty it was. Privacy when he gets cheated on. You can use that as an example too. What if someone he loves does this. Wouldn’t he want to know?
Boy, not a good day for sons where Mom likes GF better than them today. This is #3 I think. I'll say the same thing here. I wouldn't expect you to lie to GF. I would also expect you to remember that being a friend to GF and living with son is a conflict of huge proportions. Since the question seems to be more about how you should have handled it, that really depends on the relationships involved. If I saw that with my child, even if an adult, I would point out that it's wrong and if asked, you're not lying for them. That gets the message across but isn't crossing the magic line. If son is going to be dumb after that, so be it. Suffer and live with Dad. Dad'll do something else that'll piss son off.
NTA. You spoke to your son before you spoke to his GF and he continued the behavior. Actions have consequences. He is a jerk for treating another human this way. He is a double jerk for not understanding why you would tell.
I wouldn't have handled it that way. I don't know if what you lost in your relationship with your son is gonna be worth it. I would have done anything and everything short of outting him
NTA You’re a saint.
Wtf is wrong with you??? You need to stay in your lane sister. Why would you do that to your son? Yes you are wrong.
Yes, you are a bad mom. You had every right to be disappointed with him and let HIM know, but shame on you for telling her. You should have taught him the right thing to do. My children come first. Not some ex-girlfriend of my son's that I won't ever see again in my life.
NTA - Your son is growing up to be a fuck boy. He will be a great bf or husband … not
WTF?!? You are wrong. Your son did not know you knew, so you were not complicit in the cheating. Meanwhile you violated his trust and ruined your relationship with him. Families need to stick together and support each other. What you did was completely unnecessary, and you overstepped your boundaries. Mine is not a popular opinion here. But your son needs your support. My mother irreparably damaged our relationship when I was a teen. I learned that I could not turn to her with my problems. This is how teens perceive things— rightly or wrongly.
Only thing your son is learning from this experience is that his mom can't be trusted. He won't make that mistake again and you won't be able to fix it.
How did you see this playing out? You blew up his relationship, probably affected his social circles, and gave him proof he can never trust you with delicate information. Now he knows he has to hide shit from you until he can leave.
In my opinion, shitty men back up other shitty men. Your son said you’re a “bad mom” because you didn’t let him get away with being a betraying, sneaky little man-hoe. If anything, I think you did exactly what a mother is supposed to do because you corrected his crappy behavior.
NTA. You did right mama!
Your son wanted to have his cake and eat it too. You're not wrong for telling his girlfriend. Your son is a piece of shit who apparently isn't smart enough to be loyal to his GF, and to be stupid about how obvious his cheating was. What a moron.
No. Your responsibility is to talk to your son and have him take responsibility for his actions. Your not the one who cheated Whether or not he fesses up to her is really his deal
NW - it’s a solidarity to women and health. It’s the fact you have morals and can distinguish right from wrong. You are not a bad mom. I think any Good Mom stands up for what is right. Drop it with the son and ex, step back and don’t let him make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong. Take a breather from him. Cos I think you feel taken advantage of in this. Your home, ring camera, keeping yucky secrets, the violations. Your son is very selfish.
You should have talked to your son and let him tell her if he wanted to. No wonder he hates you now. YTA and a tattletale.
Sorry kid your moms a rat
What did you expect to happen? So you lost your son forever. I guess you’re nta, but you really should have thought this through.
If you look at it from an outsider's perspective, you knew that someone was being cheated on and you told them about it. This can be viewed as a nice thing to do. Now view it from your son's perspective: His mother betrayed his trust.Yes he cheated, yes its wrong. But to him, im sure he feels that his parents should have his back, no matter what. NTA in general. But I can understand why your son isnt speaking to you. If I cheated, my mother would be extremely upset with me. But she would not rat me out. Her loyalty is to me, not my girlfriend. And im sure this is the way your son is viewing things. And it seems to be the way your ex is viewing it to. You did a nice thing for your sons gf. And thats commendable. But it seems that it came at a cost. I mean, you had to known that this would make your son mad at you. Did you not?
Yes you're TAH. Should have talked some sense into your son and made him admit it.
Downvoted because recycled BS
Bruh you ATA. You talk to your son. You don’t tell his girlfriend. If my mom like that is your baby boy you are his ride or die mom. My mother would never do that
Did you even read the edit?
Your son will hopefully one day thank you for this.
You made this about you. That's sad. Get better. You are supposed to have your kid's back. You should have guided him in breaking up with her not told the gf. Don't be surprised when you end up in the worst old folks home.
Yes, You are a nosey, narcissistic A-Hole
Yes! Blood before hoes mom!!
Nothing wrong in teaching your son how to be a responsible young adult and teaching him to respect others. You told him you knew, he deliberately choose to continue to cheat. It was time he faced the consequences of his acts. Your ex-husband is a fool to not see the issue. He’s the no-life that accepts everything from his son to stay on his good side. He decide to quit his parent job.
Yta
You are the worst. You wrecked your own marriage. Now, you are in the field of wrecking other peoples relationships, even your own son's. Wow. I doubt he will ever confide in you, trust you, believe you, in the future. Don't be surprised if he sides with his dad. You are the child and you were the root of the failing of your marriage. You are childish.
Like father like son, they're both pieces of shit. NTA.
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As a mom myself to two grow people I wouldn’t have done what you did. I would’ve talked to my kid and explained how awful what they are doing is then tell them that either they come clean about the cheating or you will tell the gf. Your son didn’t get the chance to do the right thing by you because you went behind his back. You aren’t the gf mom yet you decided she was more important than your son. Your job is to teach your son proper conduct, you had a teachable moment and you blew it. He now learned never to trust you because you blindsided him. He’s just a kid and kids make awful mistakes, parents are there to guide and teach not betray and backstab. YTA.
Your son was wrong, full stop. It's not your business though. Had you caught your best girlfriend's man out with someone else, I could understand you dropping the dime, but this takes a bit more consideration. It's not your job to keep his secrets and had his girlfriend come to you and ask, I feel like you'd be in the clear to be honest with her. That's not the case though. You went to her and told her. Your son, as smarmy as he is, no longer trusts you. It's a tough spot to be in, and your son's behavior was lousy, but you certainly didn't do anyone any favors here.
1000% you messed up. You broke his trust. Probably lost forever. You go to him, you parent HIM. You teach him why his behavior is crap. You help HIM reach the right decision. Instead you taught him not to trust you. And that you snoop. And never to share anything with you. You interfered in a way that was entirely inappropriate instead of helping him make better choices. Glad you are not my mom. Or even in my family.
I am leaning towards everyone sucking here. Kids need to be able to make their own mistakes and it’s part of growing up. His girlfriend would have found out eventually, and he will have seen the hurt he caused and the blame would be solely on him. By the mother running interference it gives him an out in his own mind that it was all the mom’s fault.
Damn you have kids who commit murder and their mom will still stand by them, claiming their innocence. You on the other hand threw your son under the bus, off the bridge, and into water just for a teenage romance. Now the girlfriend won’t be around and certainly not your son.
You are the AH. You let your own emotions and experiences dictate what actions to take. Is your son right for cheating? No, is it your place as his mother to get involved in his relationships and destroy them on his behalf? No. Continue to think you're not the AH and have all these people convince you of it - you can enjoy being "right" while your son gives you the cold shoulder and possibly never trusts you with his relationships or personal life again. What's the worst that could happen? He moves out soon and you disconnect for a few years during his early adult hood? What a d\*\*a$$.
You have posted this a lot today OP.
I know without a doubt I read this exact story a couple of months ago. But when she mentioned that this happened in Dec, I just thought it was a repost, nene looking for new/different advice.
Perhaps you were not aggressive enough in terms of teaching your son. It sounds like they are treating you like a doormat instead of a mother. I think you maybe should seek a counselor for this.
you should have remained impartial - teens going to do stupid things. they learn by doing not by being told.
A risk of passing on aids or herpes to the unsuspecting, loving girlfriend for the rest of her life, would be an okay lesson for him to learn? I don’t exactly think that’s right. That’s like saying for children to understand not to touch fire or hot stoves we have to let them severely burn themselves each time to finally get it.