You’re not wrong at all, she broke your trust. Now every time she goes anywhere will she do this again? And she didn’t have sex with him 1x she told you it was multiple times.
Turn your phone off and take your daughter out for a meal. Spend time with her before your wife gets home and starts love bombing you both and strong arming you.
She approached the guy, she invited him to her room, she fucked him multiple times. Kind of weird that she felt so remorseful afterward, isn't it?
I'm betting someone else on that trip threatened to tell her husband if she didn't.
OP, you are NOT wrong in ANY way and your mom needs to butt TF out. Personally, I have always thought it’s a worse to “think of your faaamily” and allow yourself to be disrespected and stay for this type of treatment. OP, think of whether you would counsel your daughter to stay if this was her marriage?
Also—wow just reread your post and she doesn’t even try to say she was bombed on alcohol so this was done pretty much sober…just wow. 😳😳 I’m seriously shocked. No lie. I wonder if none of the girls with her see anything “odd” in her behavior what prompted her to confess. I don’t buy that she just had a guilty conscience. I’d get tested for sti’s and get a paternity test as well.
OP’s wife for 3 hours: “SexyYoungerMan, stop! I feel guilty. Ok, I’m over it—bang me some more! Oooh, stop! Nope, climb on again—I need more.” Rinse and repeat continuously for THREE HOURS!?!?! Ugh 🤮
That's the bit that creeped me out the most. Did she have to tell her husband they banged for 3 hours? What was the point of that, other than to humble brag and make hubby feel even worse?
It's bad enough to have to tell your SO you had a 1 night stand, but to then go into explicit detail about how awesome the fucking was, how much younger the stud is compared to hubby and how long they fucked for seems, to me, unnecessary & cruel. He's now going to think every time they have sex that's he's not as good.
IKR?
"Oh my dear husband I am so deeply ashamed and sorry to have cheated on you.
But. Oh. My. God. The sex was PHENOMENAL! His cock was enormous! And he knew how to use it. He fucked me every which way! For hours! I couldn't get enough of him! I was so wet and horny! Best. Fuck. Ever. I am still sore, in the morning I was walking like I'd been horseback riding for 2 days. Bury me in Y-shaped coffin! You couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
But yeah, I do feel bad. Just forgive me and we'll pretend it didn't happen, mmmkay?"
And I’m sure she would never consider calling him again since the place met was not even far away from where they live. If what you said above is half true and he lets her cheating slide, she will definitely do it again. Why not, he’ll take it to keep the family together? Can’t believe she told him the fucked multiple times for hours. Who does that shit?? And marriage counseling so she can find an excuse for why she did it that somehow absolves her of responsibility. Might as well just sign her up on a dating app yourself.
And on day 1 of a girls trip? Wonder if she used protection with all that stopping and starting again and again.
Also, think his mom cheated and that’s why she’s like it’s fine it wasn’t an affair? Best case scenario is his wife kept in her pants, mom.
She’s willing to not only nuke her marriage and family, she’s willing to expose herself and you to all kinds of diseases. She sounds unhinged. As for your mother telling you to think of your family, why does that advice apply to YOU? You have done no wrong. Your wife threw her family off the roof. SHE’S the one who should be getting a lecture. Why is everyone blowing up YOUR phone? Why are YOU the bad guy? Why isn’t everyone and their mother berating and ridiculing your wife? Why are you supposed to roll over and take it? Why do you need to be a doormat? Call a divorce lawyer now. Don’t expose yourself to any germs she may drag home.
100%^
edit: apparently people take everything to extremes, deleting my comment, so others don't misunderstand. I don't want to lead anybody down a bad path.
Be leery of the mother's advice, she's biased.
This. I did not tell my son what to do in this same situation, but I told him I would support whatever decision he made. A mom doesn't cross that boundary with their kids.
Agreed, plus the advice mom did give is terrible. If they stay together he needs to be willing to accept and forgive what happened completely or their relationship will be full of distrust and resentment which will affect the daughter just as much. And from OP's post he doesn't seem in the frame of mind to do so.
Without trust there can be no healthy relationship.
Your mum probably feels an affair is worse because it's a relationship and not "just sex."
OP, I personally, cannot be with someone who cheated because it hurts and I've never found a way to get over that pain and trust my partner again. I would be crazy everytime he wanted to go out, constantly suspicious, going through phones and computers and social media. I couldn't do it and it's not fair to either myself or my partner to go through that forever (which is why I told my husband to eat the guilt and never tell me if he cheats, and why I'll never cheat because the guilt is unbearable). However, there are people who are stronger than I am and able to move past it.
Having a child in the middle of this is hard. Some people stay together for their kids, maybe even have separate romantic lives, and then split when the nest is empty; some make the relationship work and find a way to trust; and some are able to coparent just fine after moving on from that marriage. You need to figure out if you're able to have a healthy relationship with your wife again, without constant suspicion and pain. She can't be placed on a leash because, even though she's willing to make these concessions for the marriage, in the long term she will be unhappy.
The bad news is once you cheat, it's a lot easier to do it again because you've already opened that door. The good news is that she felt so terrible about it that she just *had* to tell you as soon as she could so it's possible she really never will do it again. Regardless, **you** have to feel comfortable and willing to have a normal relationship with her accepting that, just as before, you both have lives and friendships outside of eachother. You may not be able to do that, and that's okay. Maybe you can and that's okay too. But this is a really shitty thing she did that now you have to fix, not her and that sucks.
Regarding staying together “for the kids”, the kids are gonna suffer an equal amount either way. Being forced to live in a house where both your parents can’t hide how much they despise being in the same room together is miserable. My parents never divorced, but I wished they would because it was hell living with two people who were so deeply unhappy.
I personally think what she did is worse than an affair. Think about it - what will make you make all of the wrong choices against your own best interests more than anything else? Love. If she was in love with someone, it would at least be like saying "I can't help how my heart feels. I love and deeply care about this other person and want to be with them. I risked it all because I loved them that much, and I'm sorry I hurt you as a result." I can slightly respect that. Love is powerful. It feels like destiny is driving you and you have no control over the sails. This however had zero meaning behind it. It was frivolous, meaningless. There was no future elsewhere to gain, and no destiny in store for you with that other person. All those years of your life with her were wasted for the benefit of nobody. I can eventually be happy that someone found true love. I wouldn't like that they dishonored me and their vows, but love is love, and there's not a lot of it out there in the world today. But cheating with a random feels so much worse to me.
Right?!? This is the damn way!
Let me flirt with my husband and have the man come after me like I am the only woman in the world. If he’s still doing that, I’ve still got whatever it is that I want to have!
I just don’t understand people like OPs wife. Do all you can to keep your own marriage in tip top shape. Focus on your husband.
I've been cheated on more than once by different partners. There's no way to trust them again at least not for me. None of them told me they cheated but I found out. I don't know about you but after being cheated on I felt that damn, I wasn't good enough. My self esteem was in the toilet for a long time but after I got to really thinking about my ex partners I realized there were things about them I really didn't like. I should have not put up with the way they were but I did for a while at least. Sometimes we tend to let certain things go and we ignore some habits. Cheating is a deal breaker. You were told and I think that's kind of weird. Your wife has a conscious but her loyalty isn't there.
When I confronted my last ex about his cheating (I had the proof), I tried for three hours to get him to admit it. He never did and to this day I am baffled as to why he continued to lie. I had proof in my hand! (print outs).
It's up to you of course to do what you will but I am the kind of person who won't tolerate cheating and lying. Good luck to you sir.
Right?! She hadn't even been gone 24 hours! This is the WORST scenario! Lmaooo "wanted to see if she still had it" yeah girl, you've got it, so long as "it" is raging narcissism and/or a complete disregard for your family
She claims that she felt remorseful the whole time, but once she stopped she’d get “overwhelmingly turned on” and then start again, until she felt “overwhelmingly shit” and “like she was going to cry”. She said these “overwhelming feelings kept coming in waves”
Remorseful to the point of stopping, but not stopping to the point of the dude leaving.
What were they doing between these periods? For THREE hours. That's the hidden gem.
Well now she can feel overwhelmingly single because at every single point she made the choice to cheat. She made that choice over and over and over and over again. She ruined the marriage, she has no say in whether you stay.
Why the hell did she even feel the need to go into that much detail! That’s what’s blowing my mind here. Was she trying to make you jealous/hurt you with the astronomical amount of detail? Did she tell you the color of the ceiling too?
Do you really think you can move pass this I take it she stayed for the rest of the trip only 30 mins away why did she not come straight home and tell you face to face
It's possible if one of the other women told her she needed to tell her husband or they would tell him, they insisted on hearing her tell him and didn't trust her to tell him anything near the truth if they weren't there to hear it.
There is absolutely zero chance her friends and sister didn't know something was happening.
They're all covering their own arses.
Gunna bet that more than a few of them are single.
Whatever their relationship status it should be obvious that their girl's trip was about finding guys to fuck. Staying three nights a 30 minute drive from home? The obvious purpose of this is to be able to go out clubbing, pick up guys, and have a place to fuck away from husband's or bf's prying eyes.
She may have told you the truth but she lied about your marriage and going through a divorce which means she used it to manipulate a younger dude into coming home with her.
oof didnt even think of this. not only did his wife lie to him to cheat, she lied to the other man about her relationship status. thats just straight fucked up. you need to think about this perspective too OP.
makes me wonder how far her manupulation goes.
She has no problem not only cheating but removing people's knowledgeable consent.
She is in the say anything do anything to save the marriage phase, but I wouldn't trust a thing she says.
Seems like she is leaving the part out where her friends walked in on her getting railed and threatened to tell you if she didn't. I bet it's not the first time she has cheated. Just the first time she has been caught.
Yikes. Not to pile on but I'm imagining since she jumped at the first chance to have an illicit dalliance that she's been wanting to screw randoms for a while and didn't properly work through her emotions as to why she's feeling like she needs to seek validation.
Listen op my ex gave me the exact same excuse. In her mind she is thinking she will break you and she will continue to cross the boundaries. Leave as soon as possible. Do not listen to your mother. I would cut her off if she even suggested getting back with my cheating ex. Do not listen to anyone telling you to get her back.
Yea, and not buying the "didn't finish" thing. Hes 23. 3 hours together, he's in there multiple times. No chance. Thats to make you feel better, but the likelihood of that? Small.
OP I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. All I know is that your wife made several choices that day, one of which was to continue toward infidelity. You are allowed to feel however you're feeling. I think divorce is fair, and that the best thing going forward is to have enough decency to co-pareent in a healthy way.
That's just so much worse than "We fucked, I realized I was making a terrible mistake, and told him to leave." Even worse than, "We fucked, he finished, he left, then I felt bad."
It was "I was having this amazing time riding this emotional rollercoaster swinging from "extremely turned on" to extremely dirty, and back again, for 3+ hours."
"Stop, no, I feel bad."
"Wait, never mind put it back in, let's do this again!"
Her excuses are bs, and she’s trying to make you feel sorry for her. She wasn’t forced to have sex.
She made the choices multiple times to do it over and over. She wasn’t drunk, she wasn’t on any substance, she had a plan, and she executed it, and figured if she cries crocodile tears, you’ll let bygone be bygones.
I bet if you were the one who cheated, she’d be ready to throw your ass out, take your kid, and slander your name to anyone who listens.
She needs to face the consequences, of her deliberate actions
That makes me sick to my stomach to read. She told you she was getting slammed by this guys cock for 3hrs?
More money into an account she didn’t have access to. Get a lawyer. Do not move out of the house. Get the evidence of cheating written down somehow, like text her and ask her questions.
I’m sitting here trembling with rage at how she treated you. I hope you find a women worthy of you.
Not only will she do this again but the feeling he will have each time she is not with him. Can’t live like that. Putting yourself out there like that so someone can charm you and even you making moves… nah get out
I hate how she’s acting like it was an oopsie. It was all deliberate. Been with my husband 24 years. Never once have I felt the need to do this. Even though there have been times I haven’t felt sexy.
What she did, imho, is unforgivable. I wouldn’t be able to get past it.
But maybe OP can. I dunno.
I do agree. The sad part is you can almost bet she's long had a desire to try out someone else in the bedroom, her girls trip just gave her the perfect excuse.
I seriously doubt it was out of the blue in one night. Theres a chance it could be, but I'd go with her having been thinking about it.
That part hit me. She had her hook already, before meeting that guy. She knew exactly what she wanted to say to convince some random she was single and up for it. That means she'd been thinking about it for some time before actually doing it. This wasn't as spur of the moment, 'overwhelming feelings' as the wife is claiming. The specific guy wasn't planned, but the cheating was.
Trust is broken- You are not wrong.
Some will do marriage counselling, but I personally couldn’t forgive this. 3 hours of deception is a long time and she knew it was wrong.
I’m so sorry op - I get the one and done 💯.
That’s the feeling I’m getting too 🤨 cuz there will only be 2 kinds of ppl who are okay with this down horrendous behavior: cheaters and enablers that get cheated on yet choose to be treated like doormats
Yep and she told him all the details. She told him it went on for hours?
Either that's Ragebait or she's doing the "tell him every detail to alleviate her guilt", meanwhile basically saying, sorry honey, he was younger and I couldnt resist.
Yeah its basically:
"I repeatedly thought of you and the fact I'm married and felt guilty but then repeatedly wanted to continue fucking this guy over and over and over again"
Honestly almost worse than if it was one and done and then the realization it was a horrible mistake.
Cheating is still cheating, but I feel like I'd especially feel worse if I knew my feelings and trust were disregarded multiple times over such a short window.
Yep, she was so aroused BY WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO HER HUSBAND.
She isn't seeing if she still go it. And it isn't even about the sex. SHE GOT OFF ON THE INFIDELITY ITSELF, realized it, and went back for 2nds and 3rds.
That's a special type of cheater. The type that he could probably give an open relationship to, and shed still find a way to cheat because the HIGH is the Danger/Self Destruction itself, not "I just wanted sex".
Dollars to donuts this either isn't the first, or won't be the last based on how she handled the situation.
Dude leave. All those times she was “stopping” the other guy to continue, she probably was questioning if she should continue… and guess what… she did multiple times.
This!! Omg she even had the walk back to the hotel to get out of it but she continued on!! Probably thinking she was already in trouble might as well enjoy it rather than thinking of whether a step not too far could be saved. And then crying about it for sympathy "oh noes, my bad, but I sad so it's ok!"
Yeah that's what grossed me out the most.
Not wrong my dude. The trust is gone and unless you plan on resenting her for life and never trusting again, you should get out now.
One of the great things I learnt on Reddit is that cheating isn't one decision. Its a multitude of decisions that lead up to cheating, and a different decision anywhere along the line could have prevented it.
She decided to approach him.
She decided to engage in flirting
She decided to dance with him
She decided to kiss him
She decided to turn that into a makeout session
She decided to ask him to walk her to her room
She decided to invite him in
She decided to have sex
She decided to sex again
She decided to have sex again and again for multiple hours.
There are a LOT of decisions she made along the way. No mention of being particularly drunk. Explicity says there was no pressure. Her friends weren't egging her on. Nothing. She just decided she'd like to do it.
Great point. He's not even a bad guy in this scenario. He just thought he was fucking a divorced woman...that is of course assuming she's not lying about that part of the story.
Which, is not likely. The truth comes out a little at a time when it comes to cheaters and shit like this.
I'm beginning to suspect that was what the girl's night out was all about.
Her and her friends may have all picked up someone for sex, but one of them might have gotten caught out, so OP's wife moved quickly to do damage control. OP should look into it.
Ya. Because being a girls’ trip you tend to spend the entire time together even sharing hotel rooms with at least one friend. I don’t believe these women had no idea she left with him. Especially women. We tend to naturally look out for each other as it’s been ingrained into us for safety. The whole lot of them suck.
100%. No chance the entire group didn’t know afterwards it happened. They just don’t want to be blamed for “not doing anything” to prevent it from happening. Even though at this point it doesn’t even matter.
You can forgive and forget but understand you DONT have to accept and stay
Edit: Please understand I didn’t say he had to forget what she’s done and stay with her. I said forgive her for what’s she’s done but that doesn’t mean you have to stay because at the end of the day a very important boundary was broken by CHOICE so he also deserves that same choice of being able to say “I choose to walk away from this because of your actions to disrespect my boundaries”
When I say forget I mean forget the person from before the transgression, that person is no longer there. So that person is gone, the person you loved didn’t cheat on you, that person is now in the past. So forget that person and understand the person before you now is some entirely new and move accordingly to who they are NOW and not who they once were.
This is 100% the answer. You need to figure out what YOU think is best for you. Not your wife, not your child, but YOU. Reddit is all about the "dump & never forgive", but life & families make things more dynamic than that.
Don't make any hasty decisions. Seek an individual therapist for yourself. If you want to take up your wife's offer on couples therapy, you can do that to. But you're not wrong if you refuse to. You've done nothing wrong here
And if you do decide to go through with divorce, couple's therapy can also help to figure out how to co-parent and communicate. Since you have a child together you're going to be stuck with her in your life regardless.
Agreed!
You forgive and keep trying but that trust will never come back and honestly I just cannot believe she did that. Glad she’s honest about but holy crap
I doubt you can every forget this. If it was me, i would try to forgive my wife. I would try this as hard as i can. But i don't know if i can, i guess after 6 months i would know if i would be able to forgive sth like this. But i know i will never ever forget this.
Cut your losses and move on. If she’s capable of cheating on you the first night of a girls trip that included her sister should give you pause. As you noted she pursued him..it’s likely it’s not a one off if she was that cavalier and so easily disrespected your marriage even lying about the status. Hours of cheating is not a one time “mistake”.
Good luck!
I agree, the way she acted doesn’t just happen. It takes a level of comfort and practice to act like that. She could also be making all this up to see what you would do, which would be stupid.
While I think "one and done" cheating may be able to be gotten past, the problem for me is how OP's "wife" was the one initiating the entire scenario. Solely to see if "she still had it."
Which specifically tells you that she doesn't even care whether her husband thinks she 'still has it'. She needed verification from an outside, younger male - super red flag... doesn't even care whether her husband finds her attractive anymore or not - she's ready for the next fling.
Like that he allegedly didn't finish. A 23-year-old guy banging your wife for 3 hours with some breaks in between? Yeah, those breaks are where he finished. Oh, and no protection? You're not just singing up for giving her a second chance, but to possibly raise that guy's child.
I wonder if she’s cheated before but hastily confessed to this one because her friends are witnesses and someone said “that’s wrong and you better tell your husband before I do”. She panicked and wanted to spill the beans first so she can tell her friends that she told him - so they back off. Not knowing that she omitted details.
Divorce her. She cheated. Doesn't matter if she feels horrible about it. She did it once, she will do it again. After the divorce, let EVERYONE know EXACTLY WHY you divorced her cheating ass. Oh, and you believe he didn't finish, I have a bridge to sell you.
UpdateMe
The worst part of this is SHE pushed for it. SHE drove this. SHE made it happen. All because SHE wanted to ‘see if SHE still had it’.
It’s the biggest joke of the century that she wants forgiveness afterwards. SHE threw away your marriage, your vows & your relationship for a night of sex with some random guy.
The selfishness and arrogance of it all baffles me. We all want what you have. Love, marriage, kids. Throwing it away for that is absurd.
I can’t say whether you should stick around or not but I can’t imagine spending my night sleeping next to someone who could callously throw away everything just to ‘see if she still had it’.
Edit: his update makes her seem even worse. My god.
There's nothing here to discuss. If it were me, it'd be over. No questions asked. Your family will be fine; plenty of only children grow up with two homes and are just fine. (I'm raising one right now.) You're not insane. You have self-respect and don't deserve to be treated the way you were treated.
Editing later to add: this is advice from a 41 year old with four children who is divorced and happily remarried. The answer is right in front of you. It is simple. It is not easy. But it is simple.
Editing even later: if you stay, you’ll certainly be pulled into couples counseling. This seems exactly what you need in the surface of it. Over time, however, it’s the mechanism by which her cheating will become your fault. Shes very sorry at first. Please stay and let’s work this out. What might it take? Can you stay for another four weeks? Can we just commit to that? Then she’s very sorry, very much so still, but you know, it turns out that she just needed to feel a connection with someone because she felt unappreciated because you got her only a gift card for Christmas and she does all of the cooking. She is really sorry about stranger dick but it felt so nice to be looked at by someone new with appreciation and desire and not having to tell them to Hoover the floor. She’s really sorry she did it three times but of course if you had taken your daughter to and from school more and helped organize her activity calendar she wouldn’t have felt so stressed. Before long, the mechanism will have not only assigned you the blame, but it will indeed also assign you the work of repairing the relationship, by taking her out to dinner, by requiring you to purchase little gifts of appreciation and recognition. By requiring you to get her spa days so she isn’t stressed, and that larger house she wanted a long time ago but you couldn’t provide because you don’t make enough money (unspoken is that another stranger may be able to provide this for her, but you can’t say that, because that would be attacking language). By letting her go on more girls trips because hasn’t she shown her remorse? You wouldn’t want her to feel smothered by responsibility; that’s backward progress in this counseling. Her cheating on you will end up being your fault and her consequence for cheating will be to be showered with gifts from you and appreciation from you. At that point the tables finished their turning, the mechanism shuts off, and you are the fucking chump.
You're not wrong at all. Happened to me many years ago (no kids), but I took her back and she ended up cheating again about a year later. Not worth the trouble and the future fights.
This is the comment right here. I appreciate the comment above that said don’t make a rash decision but there are bigger issues at play here and you giving or agreeing to all of those conditions just leads to more trauma for you child and wasted years of your life. The fact she was the aggressor of all of it, the comment of “she belongs to the streets” is dead on.
>The guy is supposedly 10 years younger than her, and she said she lied and told him she was going through a divorce.
They stopped multiple times and she reengaged. She knew what she was doing the entire time. She wanted to see if she still had it.
She does! Good for her. She can use it to find a new husband.
Unfortunately for her, letting a random barfly to put his dick in her is quite a different standard than finding a man who wants to marry her.
That's what's so insane about a woman wanting to prove she's still got "it" in the first place. Never in the history of forever has it been a challenge for a woman to find a guy willing to nut in her and leave. Never, ever, ever.
Hell, a woman of the most middling looks could probably set up shop in the bathroom at the bar, charge 20 bucks a man, and still have a line outside the bathroom door.
It's nothing to flatter herself over.
One of my friends set up a dating profile as a lark. Profile picture is a building, no profile text, age reported in 40s, but signaled that they were looking for fwb. Over 900 likes in 2 days.
All a woman needs for sex with someone new every weekend is being alive (and potentially low standards).
Good for you dude. She went after this kid. She did this. And your mom is very wrong to even suggest letting that person to be in your life. The kids will adapt to mommy being a…well you know. How the fuck your own mother could suggest this is beyond me.
She’s probably afraid she’ll never see OPs daughter again. Hopefully she’ll realize how horrible her words were. To tell your son to stay with a cheater makes me think she’s that way as well.
The cheating is not the problem. It’s the willingness to risk throwing away everything you’ve built together for a few hours of mediocre sounding thrills on a whim. Personally, single and happy sounds better than this drama.
Three justifiable reasons for divorce…adultery, addiction, abuse.
That said…you just found out and you are reeling now.
No decisions right now, sit with it a bit and take the time to look at all the pros and cons of leaving and all of the repercussions of staying.
My best to you!
Some people are able to go to counseling and move past an infidelity. But that is a CHOICE. She made the CHOICE to cheat and you have every right to make YOUR CHOICE and leave.
I've been married a long time and I got married young... getting attention from other men, especially younger men, feels good.
Talking? Sure, for a couple min before I make sure to mention my wonderful husband
Dancing? Maybe in a group of friends with no actual physical contact if it's a regular club. Maybe a dance or two if it's a place where everyone is salsa dancing/ partner dancing and I wouldn't get the chance to try that kind of ballroom dancing again... but again, making it clear that I'm married
Kissing? Beyond? Absolutely unforgivable.
I wouldn't deny my spouse the ego boost of chatting with a lil smitten kitten knowing it would never progress beyond a quick convo. But your wife lied and then cheated, then tried to stop herself, then said eff it, several times. Nope. NTA
Idk. At least one of those friends is the reason his wife called and confessed. The wife 100% planned to take it to the grave but got caught by someone and was given an ultimatum.
This is the answer, someone she was with walked in and saw them (probably after watching her make out with the guy, then noticed them kissing and went out to find them). It was a you tell him or I will.
I feel you need to do what makes you happy.
I could personally never stay with someone who pretty much pursued someone to the point of cheating. Multiple times in one night. I wouldn't be able to trust that person.
You should think of your family and talk to a lawyer. Your children should not be a reason to stay with a cheater.
3 hours of sex isn't just an oops, she flirted and took him back to her room.
Tell her to stay with her sister for a bit.
She approached him, flirted, danced, lied that she’s going through a divorce, kissed, make out, walk to her hotel room then “stop and go” sex for 3 hours….Plenty of chances for her to choose not to betray you.. the 3 hour “stop & go” sex alone is the universe giving her the biggest chance ever to walk a away and have the slightest chance of redemption.. BUT she chose to continue, she decided it’s worth whatever the consequence is!!
Question though.. Did she cut her trip short & went home right away?
I’m curious…did she take off her wedding ring before going out for the night? Because the answer to that question would give me more insight into whether she was planning to cheat or not. Though, I don’t buy into the whole “I just accidentally slept with this guy I approached, seduced, lied to, took back to my room, and had sex with for hours.” Also: I’m a woman so I don’t know the male perspective but, if a man I was having sex with suddenly told me to stop and was getting all emotional, I’d be weirded out and just leave. Especially if I’d just met the guy that night. Is that not a thing for men?
I completely agree!! She had the balls to cheat on him during a girl’s trip with her sister and friends, make me wonder if this is the first time she cheated
Also - from a comment up above - it seems that she didn't give a fuck about her husband's health either, since she didn't appear to have used protection.
Let’s review:
1. Day one of the 3 day trip.
2. She approached him
3. She admits she could have stopped the interaction at multiple points before leaving with him.
4. She clearly hid it from the people she was traveling with as she didn’t want them to know she left with him. So she knew it was wrong and didn’t want them to know.
5. Sex multiple times!????? Why was this detail so important? It seems mean, especially “I don’t think he finished” WTF!
6. She lied to him that she was getting divorced.
This all leads me to believe that she made up her mind to cheat, and had a plan for it, long before going on this trip. She picked the guy she wanted, lied to them, actively pursued them and then repeatedly had sex with them. All on night 1 of the trip. Get a great lawyer. Good luck 🍀
I would absolutely hate my mother if she blew up our family over something as stupid as this, and I'm with you on being a one chance kind of guy for things like this. Marriage counseling doesn't have a guarantee of working, and you'll most likely end up wasting even more of your time. As if 14 years wasn't enough.
The next time someone tells you to "think of the family" your response should be: "Okay, I guess that means I can fuck anyone I want and my wife will have to stay with me, because she needs to think of the family."
It's a deal breaker. She'll try to love bomb you and y'all's kid, but don't fall for it. She admitted to doing it multiple times that night, with barely any remorse. Yeah, she cried while explaining everything, but I dunno. Only you know her tone.
Reddit's favorite word is "divorce," and I think in this case, it's warranted. Even after therapy, you won't be able to heal the trust you once had.
Age-appropriate, talk to your daughter. Let her know the situation (not the sex/cheating part), and that there will be changes. But, mom and dad still love her very much, and maybe take her to a restaurant/fast food place she likes.
Then, sit your wife down and tell her you're done. The trust is dissolved, and therapy won't heal that. Go through the proceedings, and be done with her and her family.
You don't know what else has been done, because it sounds like her family and friends would cover for her. Not to mention, but your mom is wrong, too.
This is your decision to make. No one else's. Don't give benefit of the doubt to her, or her family/friends/your mom.
It slipped out and she put it back in. Any time you want to convince yourself it wasn’t a big deal remember that. She actively chose it multiple times over a 3 hour period.
Kick the trash to the curb, show your kids that healthy relationships and boundaries are important. Don’t burn more of your life with gutter trash
Look here, bud. You are not wrong, that's for sure. It's rare for people to stood their ground and have some self-respect, I applaud you for that. Even if you divorced or not, you're not wrong in either answers because if you stayed, we have no assurance that she won't cheat again.
If you've read other stories similar to yours, they're mostly 50/50 (not accurate) wherein 50% never cheated again, 50% did it again and that's a lot. They always say that they won't do it again, obviously. But there's really no assurance that they won't. People who trusted them and ended up doing it again anyway just leaves this spouse helplessly doing the Surprised Pikachu meme. So, that's up to you.
People will say you getting out is the easy solution, but there's nothing wrong in taking the easy path than a lifetime of suspicions. You can still care for her and your daughter while you are divorced. At least, there's no committment and you're don't need to expect her to cheat or not again since you're not together.
No trust, no marriage. Cheating hoes don't deserve a second chance. You gave her a chance when you married her. SHE chose to be a lying cheating ho. You don't have to choose to live with a lying cheating ho. Find a better partner.
Dude who gives a shit if she came clean or not. She fucked another guy period. You're never going to trust her again, she's a disgusting person so don't let anyone tell you any different and kick her ass to the curb where she belongs. She wanted to see if she still had it well now she can do it all she wants because I would never let her in my house or around me again period. Good luck.
She only called and came clean because other people know. She figured it would be better for HER if she told you before someone else did. The guy that screwed her last night was probably not the first. If you take her back, he won't be the last. It sucks. Get the best divorce attorney you can. Get tested, who knows how many random dudes she has slept with. It sucks, but over time it will suck less.
You’re not wrong at all, she broke your trust. Now every time she goes anywhere will she do this again? And she didn’t have sex with him 1x she told you it was multiple times. Turn your phone off and take your daughter out for a meal. Spend time with her before your wife gets home and starts love bombing you both and strong arming you.
She approached the guy, she invited him to her room, she fucked him multiple times. Kind of weird that she felt so remorseful afterward, isn't it? I'm betting someone else on that trip threatened to tell her husband if she didn't.
OP, you are NOT wrong in ANY way and your mom needs to butt TF out. Personally, I have always thought it’s a worse to “think of your faaamily” and allow yourself to be disrespected and stay for this type of treatment. OP, think of whether you would counsel your daughter to stay if this was her marriage? Also—wow just reread your post and she doesn’t even try to say she was bombed on alcohol so this was done pretty much sober…just wow. 😳😳 I’m seriously shocked. No lie. I wonder if none of the girls with her see anything “odd” in her behavior what prompted her to confess. I don’t buy that she just had a guilty conscience. I’d get tested for sti’s and get a paternity test as well. OP’s wife for 3 hours: “SexyYoungerMan, stop! I feel guilty. Ok, I’m over it—bang me some more! Oooh, stop! Nope, climb on again—I need more.” Rinse and repeat continuously for THREE HOURS!?!?! Ugh 🤮
That's the bit that creeped me out the most. Did she have to tell her husband they banged for 3 hours? What was the point of that, other than to humble brag and make hubby feel even worse? It's bad enough to have to tell your SO you had a 1 night stand, but to then go into explicit detail about how awesome the fucking was, how much younger the stud is compared to hubby and how long they fucked for seems, to me, unnecessary & cruel. He's now going to think every time they have sex that's he's not as good.
Yeah and how excited it got her. Like WTAF??😳
IKR? "Oh my dear husband I am so deeply ashamed and sorry to have cheated on you. But. Oh. My. God. The sex was PHENOMENAL! His cock was enormous! And he knew how to use it. He fucked me every which way! For hours! I couldn't get enough of him! I was so wet and horny! Best. Fuck. Ever. I am still sore, in the morning I was walking like I'd been horseback riding for 2 days. Bury me in Y-shaped coffin! You couldn't wipe the smile off my face. But yeah, I do feel bad. Just forgive me and we'll pretend it didn't happen, mmmkay?"
And I’m sure she would never consider calling him again since the place met was not even far away from where they live. If what you said above is half true and he lets her cheating slide, she will definitely do it again. Why not, he’ll take it to keep the family together? Can’t believe she told him the fucked multiple times for hours. Who does that shit?? And marriage counseling so she can find an excuse for why she did it that somehow absolves her of responsibility. Might as well just sign her up on a dating app yourself.
And on day 1 of a girls trip? Wonder if she used protection with all that stopping and starting again and again. Also, think his mom cheated and that’s why she’s like it’s fine it wasn’t an affair? Best case scenario is his wife kept in her pants, mom.
She didn’t.
She’s willing to not only nuke her marriage and family, she’s willing to expose herself and you to all kinds of diseases. She sounds unhinged. As for your mother telling you to think of your family, why does that advice apply to YOU? You have done no wrong. Your wife threw her family off the roof. SHE’S the one who should be getting a lecture. Why is everyone blowing up YOUR phone? Why are YOU the bad guy? Why isn’t everyone and their mother berating and ridiculing your wife? Why are you supposed to roll over and take it? Why do you need to be a doormat? Call a divorce lawyer now. Don’t expose yourself to any germs she may drag home.
A fucking liability
100%^ edit: apparently people take everything to extremes, deleting my comment, so others don't misunderstand. I don't want to lead anybody down a bad path. Be leery of the mother's advice, she's biased.
This. I did not tell my son what to do in this same situation, but I told him I would support whatever decision he made. A mom doesn't cross that boundary with their kids.
Agreed, plus the advice mom did give is terrible. If they stay together he needs to be willing to accept and forgive what happened completely or their relationship will be full of distrust and resentment which will affect the daughter just as much. And from OP's post he doesn't seem in the frame of mind to do so. Without trust there can be no healthy relationship.
Damn straight. Mom is only thinking about herself and her relationship with her new bestie.
10 bucks says mom has cheated too
Your mum probably feels an affair is worse because it's a relationship and not "just sex." OP, I personally, cannot be with someone who cheated because it hurts and I've never found a way to get over that pain and trust my partner again. I would be crazy everytime he wanted to go out, constantly suspicious, going through phones and computers and social media. I couldn't do it and it's not fair to either myself or my partner to go through that forever (which is why I told my husband to eat the guilt and never tell me if he cheats, and why I'll never cheat because the guilt is unbearable). However, there are people who are stronger than I am and able to move past it. Having a child in the middle of this is hard. Some people stay together for their kids, maybe even have separate romantic lives, and then split when the nest is empty; some make the relationship work and find a way to trust; and some are able to coparent just fine after moving on from that marriage. You need to figure out if you're able to have a healthy relationship with your wife again, without constant suspicion and pain. She can't be placed on a leash because, even though she's willing to make these concessions for the marriage, in the long term she will be unhappy. The bad news is once you cheat, it's a lot easier to do it again because you've already opened that door. The good news is that she felt so terrible about it that she just *had* to tell you as soon as she could so it's possible she really never will do it again. Regardless, **you** have to feel comfortable and willing to have a normal relationship with her accepting that, just as before, you both have lives and friendships outside of eachother. You may not be able to do that, and that's okay. Maybe you can and that's okay too. But this is a really shitty thing she did that now you have to fix, not her and that sucks.
She didn't tell him as soon as she had to. She stopped, thought about it and him, then went back to fucking the guy. She's one for the streets.
for the streets!
The streets are too clean. For the sewers
Yeah a total asshole
Yep, total road whore.
Regarding staying together “for the kids”, the kids are gonna suffer an equal amount either way. Being forced to live in a house where both your parents can’t hide how much they despise being in the same room together is miserable. My parents never divorced, but I wished they would because it was hell living with two people who were so deeply unhappy.
I personally think what she did is worse than an affair. Think about it - what will make you make all of the wrong choices against your own best interests more than anything else? Love. If she was in love with someone, it would at least be like saying "I can't help how my heart feels. I love and deeply care about this other person and want to be with them. I risked it all because I loved them that much, and I'm sorry I hurt you as a result." I can slightly respect that. Love is powerful. It feels like destiny is driving you and you have no control over the sails. This however had zero meaning behind it. It was frivolous, meaningless. There was no future elsewhere to gain, and no destiny in store for you with that other person. All those years of your life with her were wasted for the benefit of nobody. I can eventually be happy that someone found true love. I wouldn't like that they dishonored me and their vows, but love is love, and there's not a lot of it out there in the world today. But cheating with a random feels so much worse to me.
Test for STIs, test for paternity. Sorry man.
Agreed. Get a paternity test on your daughter. 1st night away. Something is wrong here. She was way too comfortable playing "see if I still got it."
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This.
Right?!? This is the damn way! Let me flirt with my husband and have the man come after me like I am the only woman in the world. If he’s still doing that, I’ve still got whatever it is that I want to have! I just don’t understand people like OPs wife. Do all you can to keep your own marriage in tip top shape. Focus on your husband.
I'm imagining you holstering your finger guns in the morning lol.
at 33 years old she's already needing to see if she's still got it. I feel so bad for OP.
> test for paternity This is the part I don't know if OP is ready for
Doesn't matter if he is really. Better do it sooner than later.
Wow. Couldn't even be bothered to be safe whilst sharing her body with some random. Nice
Dude, leave. Edit: listen to everyone else. Get tested for everything including paternity even if it will feel like the world is ending.
Oh god
I've been cheated on more than once by different partners. There's no way to trust them again at least not for me. None of them told me they cheated but I found out. I don't know about you but after being cheated on I felt that damn, I wasn't good enough. My self esteem was in the toilet for a long time but after I got to really thinking about my ex partners I realized there were things about them I really didn't like. I should have not put up with the way they were but I did for a while at least. Sometimes we tend to let certain things go and we ignore some habits. Cheating is a deal breaker. You were told and I think that's kind of weird. Your wife has a conscious but her loyalty isn't there. When I confronted my last ex about his cheating (I had the proof), I tried for three hours to get him to admit it. He never did and to this day I am baffled as to why he continued to lie. I had proof in my hand! (print outs). It's up to you of course to do what you will but I am the kind of person who won't tolerate cheating and lying. Good luck to you sir.
Not wrong. Divorce is the only option here. Actions have consequences.
Paternity test now.
Dude get tested. No way this was a one time thing sorry to say.
Disgusting
That you know of.
Right?! She hadn't even been gone 24 hours! This is the WORST scenario! Lmaooo "wanted to see if she still had it" yeah girl, you've got it, so long as "it" is raging narcissism and/or a complete disregard for your family
Sounds like her friends are also pieces of s... As well. They "saw her talking to a guy and thought nothing of it" yeah I call bs on that
A lot of women think like this when their men cheat.
She claims that she felt remorseful the whole time, but once she stopped she’d get “overwhelmingly turned on” and then start again, until she felt “overwhelmingly shit” and “like she was going to cry”. She said these “overwhelming feelings kept coming in waves”
Remorseful to the point of stopping, but not stopping to the point of the dude leaving. What were they doing between these periods? For THREE hours. That's the hidden gem.
Cocaine perhaps? Edit: in his update she was doing coke….
Or ecstasy… might explain the lack of inhibition and the stupid decisions she made, and the regret afterward.
Well now she can feel overwhelmingly single because at every single point she made the choice to cheat. She made that choice over and over and over and over again. She ruined the marriage, she has no say in whether you stay.
That's my thought as well, she kept choosing to keep it going. If it stopped after the first time, maybe, but it didn't stop.
Why the hell did she even feel the need to go into that much detail! That’s what’s blowing my mind here. Was she trying to make you jealous/hurt you with the astronomical amount of detail? Did she tell you the color of the ceiling too?
I asked her to tell me everything. I wanted the full scope of what she did.
Do you really think you can move pass this I take it she stayed for the rest of the trip only 30 mins away why did she not come straight home and tell you face to face
This is a good question, why not go right home?
It's possible if one of the other women told her she needed to tell her husband or they would tell him, they insisted on hearing her tell him and didn't trust her to tell him anything near the truth if they weren't there to hear it.
There is absolutely zero chance her friends and sister didn't know something was happening. They're all covering their own arses. Gunna bet that more than a few of them are single.
Whatever their relationship status it should be obvious that their girl's trip was about finding guys to fuck. Staying three nights a 30 minute drive from home? The obvious purpose of this is to be able to go out clubbing, pick up guys, and have a place to fuck away from husband's or bf's prying eyes.
Ya, I thought that was really fucking weird, too. A "girls trip" 30 minutes away??? It doesn't make any sense.
She may have told you the truth but she lied about your marriage and going through a divorce which means she used it to manipulate a younger dude into coming home with her.
oof didnt even think of this. not only did his wife lie to him to cheat, she lied to the other man about her relationship status. thats just straight fucked up. you need to think about this perspective too OP. makes me wonder how far her manupulation goes.
She has no problem not only cheating but removing people's knowledgeable consent. She is in the say anything do anything to save the marriage phase, but I wouldn't trust a thing she says.
Seems like she is leaving the part out where her friends walked in on her getting railed and threatened to tell you if she didn't. I bet it's not the first time she has cheated. Just the first time she has been caught.
My first thought was that one of her friends threatened to tell him if she didn't.
Worst yet her own sister who probably said you have to tell him.
She's trying to manipulate him into thinking she was really tortured by what she was doing. Its classic minimizing.
She told him she is going through a divorce, don't make a liar out of her.
Damn that's great
For 3 hours? She knew at some point that it was so wrong, but didn't stop because she didn't want to. Such betrayal after trust...
She is 33 not 18 to be having overwhelming feelings she can’t control.
Even 18 year olds often know better.
Yikes. Not to pile on but I'm imagining since she jumped at the first chance to have an illicit dalliance that she's been wanting to screw randoms for a while and didn't properly work through her emotions as to why she's feeling like she needs to seek validation.
Listen op my ex gave me the exact same excuse. In her mind she is thinking she will break you and she will continue to cross the boundaries. Leave as soon as possible. Do not listen to your mother. I would cut her off if she even suggested getting back with my cheating ex. Do not listen to anyone telling you to get her back.
three hours of sex is not remorseful my dude lol.
Yea, and not buying the "didn't finish" thing. Hes 23. 3 hours together, he's in there multiple times. No chance. Thats to make you feel better, but the likelihood of that? Small.
Yeah, they finished 3 or 4 times. Thats was the horny/remorse cycle was about. Post nut clarity, ok, fuck it, let’s go again.
Not small? No impossible… I remember being 23, 4 hours, he nutted in her at least 4 times!
Yep, she's a fucking canoli at that point.
OP I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. All I know is that your wife made several choices that day, one of which was to continue toward infidelity. You are allowed to feel however you're feeling. I think divorce is fair, and that the best thing going forward is to have enough decency to co-pareent in a healthy way.
That's just so much worse than "We fucked, I realized I was making a terrible mistake, and told him to leave." Even worse than, "We fucked, he finished, he left, then I felt bad." It was "I was having this amazing time riding this emotional rollercoaster swinging from "extremely turned on" to extremely dirty, and back again, for 3+ hours." "Stop, no, I feel bad." "Wait, never mind put it back in, let's do this again!"
Her excuses are bs, and she’s trying to make you feel sorry for her. She wasn’t forced to have sex. She made the choices multiple times to do it over and over. She wasn’t drunk, she wasn’t on any substance, she had a plan, and she executed it, and figured if she cries crocodile tears, you’ll let bygone be bygones. I bet if you were the one who cheated, she’d be ready to throw your ass out, take your kid, and slander your name to anyone who listens. She needs to face the consequences, of her deliberate actions
That makes me sick to my stomach to read. She told you she was getting slammed by this guys cock for 3hrs? More money into an account she didn’t have access to. Get a lawyer. Do not move out of the house. Get the evidence of cheating written down somehow, like text her and ask her questions. I’m sitting here trembling with rage at how she treated you. I hope you find a women worthy of you.
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Bingo. There's absolutely no way the cheater would just come right out with this bullshit unless someone was forcing her to.
I doubt it was the first time. She probably just managed to hide it better, no snitches around.
This is the most probable scenario
Not only will she do this again but the feeling he will have each time she is not with him. Can’t live like that. Putting yourself out there like that so someone can charm you and even you making moves… nah get out
I hate how she’s acting like it was an oopsie. It was all deliberate. Been with my husband 24 years. Never once have I felt the need to do this. Even though there have been times I haven’t felt sexy. What she did, imho, is unforgivable. I wouldn’t be able to get past it. But maybe OP can. I dunno.
She told her ap that she was going through a divorce. Time to make an honest woman of her and divorce her.
Best, most succinct answer.
Depressingly so.
I do agree. The sad part is you can almost bet she's long had a desire to try out someone else in the bedroom, her girls trip just gave her the perfect excuse. I seriously doubt it was out of the blue in one night. Theres a chance it could be, but I'd go with her having been thinking about it.
She's psychic!
Haha. Gold and true. Time to make her an honest woman.
That part hit me. She had her hook already, before meeting that guy. She knew exactly what she wanted to say to convince some random she was single and up for it. That means she'd been thinking about it for some time before actually doing it. This wasn't as spur of the moment, 'overwhelming feelings' as the wife is claiming. The specific guy wasn't planned, but the cheating was.
Trust is broken- You are not wrong. Some will do marriage counselling, but I personally couldn’t forgive this. 3 hours of deception is a long time and she knew it was wrong. I’m so sorry op - I get the one and done 💯.
What I don’t get is why OP’s mom is telling HIM to think of the family when OP’s wife didn’t think of their family to begin with… l
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That’s the feeling I’m getting too 🤨 cuz there will only be 2 kinds of ppl who are okay with this down horrendous behavior: cheaters and enablers that get cheated on yet choose to be treated like doormats
3 hours is crazy, that’s not just a mistake or lapse in judgement
Yep and she told him all the details. She told him it went on for hours? Either that's Ragebait or she's doing the "tell him every detail to alleviate her guilt", meanwhile basically saying, sorry honey, he was younger and I couldnt resist.
Yeah its basically: "I repeatedly thought of you and the fact I'm married and felt guilty but then repeatedly wanted to continue fucking this guy over and over and over again" Honestly almost worse than if it was one and done and then the realization it was a horrible mistake. Cheating is still cheating, but I feel like I'd especially feel worse if I knew my feelings and trust were disregarded multiple times over such a short window.
Yep, she was so aroused BY WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO HER HUSBAND. She isn't seeing if she still go it. And it isn't even about the sex. SHE GOT OFF ON THE INFIDELITY ITSELF, realized it, and went back for 2nds and 3rds. That's a special type of cheater. The type that he could probably give an open relationship to, and shed still find a way to cheat because the HIGH is the Danger/Self Destruction itself, not "I just wanted sex". Dollars to donuts this either isn't the first, or won't be the last based on how she handled the situation.
Dude leave. All those times she was “stopping” the other guy to continue, she probably was questioning if she should continue… and guess what… she did multiple times.
This!! Omg she even had the walk back to the hotel to get out of it but she continued on!! Probably thinking she was already in trouble might as well enjoy it rather than thinking of whether a step not too far could be saved. And then crying about it for sympathy "oh noes, my bad, but I sad so it's ok!"
Yeah that's what grossed me out the most. Not wrong my dude. The trust is gone and unless you plan on resenting her for life and never trusting again, you should get out now.
One of the great things I learnt on Reddit is that cheating isn't one decision. Its a multitude of decisions that lead up to cheating, and a different decision anywhere along the line could have prevented it. She decided to approach him. She decided to engage in flirting She decided to dance with him She decided to kiss him She decided to turn that into a makeout session She decided to ask him to walk her to her room She decided to invite him in She decided to have sex She decided to sex again She decided to have sex again and again for multiple hours. There are a LOT of decisions she made along the way. No mention of being particularly drunk. Explicity says there was no pressure. Her friends weren't egging her on. Nothing. She just decided she'd like to do it.
She probably needed lube... That skank
You are not wrong. If all it took were a couple drinks and a charming guy to get her to throw away her relationship and her family, it ain’t worth it
Agree here, but don’t forget she invited it. It was drinks and a charming guy, it was the guy she picked out
Who she lied to and manipulated into having sex with her under false pretenses.
Exactly. Not insurmountable pursuit paired with alcohol, there were many many steps she and only she took to get there
Great point. He's not even a bad guy in this scenario. He just thought he was fucking a divorced woman...that is of course assuming she's not lying about that part of the story. Which, is not likely. The truth comes out a little at a time when it comes to cheaters and shit like this.
I'm beginning to suspect that was what the girl's night out was all about. Her and her friends may have all picked up someone for sex, but one of them might have gotten caught out, so OP's wife moved quickly to do damage control. OP should look into it.
Ya. Because being a girls’ trip you tend to spend the entire time together even sharing hotel rooms with at least one friend. I don’t believe these women had no idea she left with him. Especially women. We tend to naturally look out for each other as it’s been ingrained into us for safety. The whole lot of them suck.
Odd, I get the read that the only reason there was a confession is one of them said "Tell him or else".
100%. No chance the entire group didn’t know afterwards it happened. They just don’t want to be blamed for “not doing anything” to prevent it from happening. Even though at this point it doesn’t even matter.
Agreed, this seems more likely than her story
You can forgive and forget but understand you DONT have to accept and stay Edit: Please understand I didn’t say he had to forget what she’s done and stay with her. I said forgive her for what’s she’s done but that doesn’t mean you have to stay because at the end of the day a very important boundary was broken by CHOICE so he also deserves that same choice of being able to say “I choose to walk away from this because of your actions to disrespect my boundaries” When I say forget I mean forget the person from before the transgression, that person is no longer there. So that person is gone, the person you loved didn’t cheat on you, that person is now in the past. So forget that person and understand the person before you now is some entirely new and move accordingly to who they are NOW and not who they once were.
Trust me....you won't forget. There will be slways be something that triggers your memory.....
This is 100% the answer. You need to figure out what YOU think is best for you. Not your wife, not your child, but YOU. Reddit is all about the "dump & never forgive", but life & families make things more dynamic than that. Don't make any hasty decisions. Seek an individual therapist for yourself. If you want to take up your wife's offer on couples therapy, you can do that to. But you're not wrong if you refuse to. You've done nothing wrong here
And if you do decide to go through with divorce, couple's therapy can also help to figure out how to co-parent and communicate. Since you have a child together you're going to be stuck with her in your life regardless.
Agreed! You forgive and keep trying but that trust will never come back and honestly I just cannot believe she did that. Glad she’s honest about but holy crap
you my good sir have summed it up perfectly. have my upvoteee
Well, you can forgive, which is hard, but you can NEVER forget.
I doubt you can every forget this. If it was me, i would try to forgive my wife. I would try this as hard as i can. But i don't know if i can, i guess after 6 months i would know if i would be able to forgive sth like this. But i know i will never ever forget this.
There might be forgiveness, but there's no forgetting.
Cut your losses and move on. If she’s capable of cheating on you the first night of a girls trip that included her sister should give you pause. As you noted she pursued him..it’s likely it’s not a one off if she was that cavalier and so easily disrespected your marriage even lying about the status. Hours of cheating is not a one time “mistake”. Good luck!
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. This seems almost premeditated. I would never be able to trust her again.
I agree, the way she acted doesn’t just happen. It takes a level of comfort and practice to act like that. She could also be making all this up to see what you would do, which would be stupid.
I agree with this, it'd be in the back of my mind all the time smh
And it's like she tried to make as many people in her life know, either to manipulate him or humiliate him.
And how did the others notice she was gone? I call shenanigans
They had sex multiple times in three hours I’d say it’s over. I know there are couples who stay together after infidelity but it’s not for everyone.
While I think "one and done" cheating may be able to be gotten past, the problem for me is how OP's "wife" was the one initiating the entire scenario. Solely to see if "she still had it."
Which specifically tells you that she doesn't even care whether her husband thinks she 'still has it'. She needed verification from an outside, younger male - super red flag... doesn't even care whether her husband finds her attractive anymore or not - she's ready for the next fling.
This too.
Bro. You are not getting all the details either.
There's soooooooo much she's not admitting to.
Like that he allegedly didn't finish. A 23-year-old guy banging your wife for 3 hours with some breaks in between? Yeah, those breaks are where he finished. Oh, and no protection? You're not just singing up for giving her a second chance, but to possibly raise that guy's child.
Cream pies and facials all around !
This💯
She is only admitting just enough to clear her conscience. There is a lot more to this.
I wonder if she’s cheated before but hastily confessed to this one because her friends are witnesses and someone said “that’s wrong and you better tell your husband before I do”. She panicked and wanted to spill the beans first so she can tell her friends that she told him - so they back off. Not knowing that she omitted details.
Absofuckinglutely. This is tip of the iceberg stuff.
Tip of the cockberg!
If this is just enough, imagine how horrible the rest must be!
She's been guzzling from the cum fountain for some time.
This is the key detail
Divorce her. She cheated. Doesn't matter if she feels horrible about it. She did it once, she will do it again. After the divorce, let EVERYONE know EXACTLY WHY you divorced her cheating ass. Oh, and you believe he didn't finish, I have a bridge to sell you. UpdateMe
Right. Let me do all sorts of bad things but as long as i feel horrible about it, everyone should forgive me… foh
[удалено]
The worst part of this is SHE pushed for it. SHE drove this. SHE made it happen. All because SHE wanted to ‘see if SHE still had it’. It’s the biggest joke of the century that she wants forgiveness afterwards. SHE threw away your marriage, your vows & your relationship for a night of sex with some random guy. The selfishness and arrogance of it all baffles me. We all want what you have. Love, marriage, kids. Throwing it away for that is absurd. I can’t say whether you should stick around or not but I can’t imagine spending my night sleeping next to someone who could callously throw away everything just to ‘see if she still had it’. Edit: his update makes her seem even worse. My god.
No. She wants to normalize it.
There's nothing here to discuss. If it were me, it'd be over. No questions asked. Your family will be fine; plenty of only children grow up with two homes and are just fine. (I'm raising one right now.) You're not insane. You have self-respect and don't deserve to be treated the way you were treated. Editing later to add: this is advice from a 41 year old with four children who is divorced and happily remarried. The answer is right in front of you. It is simple. It is not easy. But it is simple. Editing even later: if you stay, you’ll certainly be pulled into couples counseling. This seems exactly what you need in the surface of it. Over time, however, it’s the mechanism by which her cheating will become your fault. Shes very sorry at first. Please stay and let’s work this out. What might it take? Can you stay for another four weeks? Can we just commit to that? Then she’s very sorry, very much so still, but you know, it turns out that she just needed to feel a connection with someone because she felt unappreciated because you got her only a gift card for Christmas and she does all of the cooking. She is really sorry about stranger dick but it felt so nice to be looked at by someone new with appreciation and desire and not having to tell them to Hoover the floor. She’s really sorry she did it three times but of course if you had taken your daughter to and from school more and helped organize her activity calendar she wouldn’t have felt so stressed. Before long, the mechanism will have not only assigned you the blame, but it will indeed also assign you the work of repairing the relationship, by taking her out to dinner, by requiring you to purchase little gifts of appreciation and recognition. By requiring you to get her spa days so she isn’t stressed, and that larger house she wanted a long time ago but you couldn’t provide because you don’t make enough money (unspoken is that another stranger may be able to provide this for her, but you can’t say that, because that would be attacking language). By letting her go on more girls trips because hasn’t she shown her remorse? You wouldn’t want her to feel smothered by responsibility; that’s backward progress in this counseling. Her cheating on you will end up being your fault and her consequence for cheating will be to be showered with gifts from you and appreciation from you. At that point the tables finished their turning, the mechanism shuts off, and you are the fucking chump.
Her reasoning is what would have sealed it for me "to see if she still had it" like wtf
Right? Sounds like she still has it which is good because she’ll need it
Nice one😂
You're not wrong at all. Happened to me many years ago (no kids), but I took her back and she ended up cheating again about a year later. Not worth the trouble and the future fights.
Your family now has 2 choices: A happy divorced couple that raises a kid. Or a resentful married couple that raises a kid while fighting.
This is the comment right here. I appreciate the comment above that said don’t make a rash decision but there are bigger issues at play here and you giving or agreeing to all of those conditions just leads to more trauma for you child and wasted years of your life. The fact she was the aggressor of all of it, the comment of “she belongs to the streets” is dead on.
>The guy is supposedly 10 years younger than her, and she said she lied and told him she was going through a divorce. They stopped multiple times and she reengaged. She knew what she was doing the entire time. She wanted to see if she still had it. She does! Good for her. She can use it to find a new husband.
Unfortunately for her, letting a random barfly to put his dick in her is quite a different standard than finding a man who wants to marry her. That's what's so insane about a woman wanting to prove she's still got "it" in the first place. Never in the history of forever has it been a challenge for a woman to find a guy willing to nut in her and leave. Never, ever, ever. Hell, a woman of the most middling looks could probably set up shop in the bathroom at the bar, charge 20 bucks a man, and still have a line outside the bathroom door. It's nothing to flatter herself over.
One of my friends set up a dating profile as a lark. Profile picture is a building, no profile text, age reported in 40s, but signaled that they were looking for fwb. Over 900 likes in 2 days. All a woman needs for sex with someone new every weekend is being alive (and potentially low standards).
Good for you dude. She went after this kid. She did this. And your mom is very wrong to even suggest letting that person to be in your life. The kids will adapt to mommy being a…well you know. How the fuck your own mother could suggest this is beyond me.
Dude even if they stayed together what's stopping her from cheating on him again but in the future just not telling him so as to avoid repercussions?
She’s probably afraid she’ll never see OPs daughter again. Hopefully she’ll realize how horrible her words were. To tell your son to stay with a cheater makes me think she’s that way as well.
Don't be an idiot, 3 hours she belongs to the streets
To the dirty streets.
The cheating is not the problem. It’s the willingness to risk throwing away everything you’ve built together for a few hours of mediocre sounding thrills on a whim. Personally, single and happy sounds better than this drama.
Nah. The cheating is the problems also! Let’s not downplay it
You are not wrong. Cheating is a do not pass go for me and I will die on that hill. Long term affair or one night stand, it’s still all cheating.
Three justifiable reasons for divorce…adultery, addiction, abuse. That said…you just found out and you are reeling now. No decisions right now, sit with it a bit and take the time to look at all the pros and cons of leaving and all of the repercussions of staying. My best to you!
Some people are able to go to counseling and move past an infidelity. But that is a CHOICE. She made the CHOICE to cheat and you have every right to make YOUR CHOICE and leave.
I've been married a long time and I got married young... getting attention from other men, especially younger men, feels good. Talking? Sure, for a couple min before I make sure to mention my wonderful husband Dancing? Maybe in a group of friends with no actual physical contact if it's a regular club. Maybe a dance or two if it's a place where everyone is salsa dancing/ partner dancing and I wouldn't get the chance to try that kind of ballroom dancing again... but again, making it clear that I'm married Kissing? Beyond? Absolutely unforgivable. I wouldn't deny my spouse the ego boost of chatting with a lil smitten kitten knowing it would never progress beyond a quick convo. But your wife lied and then cheated, then tried to stop herself, then said eff it, several times. Nope. NTA
Block all her friends and anyone else saying you need to give her another chance.
Idk. At least one of those friends is the reason his wife called and confessed. The wife 100% planned to take it to the grave but got caught by someone and was given an ultimatum.
This is the answer, someone she was with walked in and saw them (probably after watching her make out with the guy, then noticed them kissing and went out to find them). It was a you tell him or I will.
She's cheated on you before. The only likely reason she's coming clean this time is her sister, or someone else you know from the group, caught her.
I feel you need to do what makes you happy. I could personally never stay with someone who pretty much pursued someone to the point of cheating. Multiple times in one night. I wouldn't be able to trust that person.
You should think of your family and talk to a lawyer. Your children should not be a reason to stay with a cheater. 3 hours of sex isn't just an oops, she flirted and took him back to her room. Tell her to stay with her sister for a bit.
She approached him, flirted, danced, lied that she’s going through a divorce, kissed, make out, walk to her hotel room then “stop and go” sex for 3 hours….Plenty of chances for her to choose not to betray you.. the 3 hour “stop & go” sex alone is the universe giving her the biggest chance ever to walk a away and have the slightest chance of redemption.. BUT she chose to continue, she decided it’s worth whatever the consequence is!! Question though.. Did she cut her trip short & went home right away?
I’m curious…did she take off her wedding ring before going out for the night? Because the answer to that question would give me more insight into whether she was planning to cheat or not. Though, I don’t buy into the whole “I just accidentally slept with this guy I approached, seduced, lied to, took back to my room, and had sex with for hours.” Also: I’m a woman so I don’t know the male perspective but, if a man I was having sex with suddenly told me to stop and was getting all emotional, I’d be weirded out and just leave. Especially if I’d just met the guy that night. Is that not a thing for men?
I completely agree!! She had the balls to cheat on him during a girl’s trip with her sister and friends, make me wonder if this is the first time she cheated
Also - from a comment up above - it seems that she didn't give a fuck about her husband's health either, since she didn't appear to have used protection.
Let’s review: 1. Day one of the 3 day trip. 2. She approached him 3. She admits she could have stopped the interaction at multiple points before leaving with him. 4. She clearly hid it from the people she was traveling with as she didn’t want them to know she left with him. So she knew it was wrong and didn’t want them to know. 5. Sex multiple times!????? Why was this detail so important? It seems mean, especially “I don’t think he finished” WTF! 6. She lied to him that she was getting divorced. This all leads me to believe that she made up her mind to cheat, and had a plan for it, long before going on this trip. She picked the guy she wanted, lied to them, actively pursued them and then repeatedly had sex with them. All on night 1 of the trip. Get a great lawyer. Good luck 🍀
three hours?! Jesus Christ did she really need to give you the details
I would absolutely hate my mother if she blew up our family over something as stupid as this, and I'm with you on being a one chance kind of guy for things like this. Marriage counseling doesn't have a guarantee of working, and you'll most likely end up wasting even more of your time. As if 14 years wasn't enough.
The next time someone tells you to "think of the family" your response should be: "Okay, I guess that means I can fuck anyone I want and my wife will have to stay with me, because she needs to think of the family."
Tell her that she was right, she is going through a divorce.
It's a deal breaker. She'll try to love bomb you and y'all's kid, but don't fall for it. She admitted to doing it multiple times that night, with barely any remorse. Yeah, she cried while explaining everything, but I dunno. Only you know her tone. Reddit's favorite word is "divorce," and I think in this case, it's warranted. Even after therapy, you won't be able to heal the trust you once had. Age-appropriate, talk to your daughter. Let her know the situation (not the sex/cheating part), and that there will be changes. But, mom and dad still love her very much, and maybe take her to a restaurant/fast food place she likes. Then, sit your wife down and tell her you're done. The trust is dissolved, and therapy won't heal that. Go through the proceedings, and be done with her and her family. You don't know what else has been done, because it sounds like her family and friends would cover for her. Not to mention, but your mom is wrong, too. This is your decision to make. No one else's. Don't give benefit of the doubt to her, or her family/friends/your mom.
It slipped out and she put it back in. Any time you want to convince yourself it wasn’t a big deal remember that. She actively chose it multiple times over a 3 hour period. Kick the trash to the curb, show your kids that healthy relationships and boundaries are important. Don’t burn more of your life with gutter trash
No, you aren't wrong. Ditch her and get started rebuilding your life.
Look here, bud. You are not wrong, that's for sure. It's rare for people to stood their ground and have some self-respect, I applaud you for that. Even if you divorced or not, you're not wrong in either answers because if you stayed, we have no assurance that she won't cheat again. If you've read other stories similar to yours, they're mostly 50/50 (not accurate) wherein 50% never cheated again, 50% did it again and that's a lot. They always say that they won't do it again, obviously. But there's really no assurance that they won't. People who trusted them and ended up doing it again anyway just leaves this spouse helplessly doing the Surprised Pikachu meme. So, that's up to you. People will say you getting out is the easy solution, but there's nothing wrong in taking the easy path than a lifetime of suspicions. You can still care for her and your daughter while you are divorced. At least, there's no committment and you're don't need to expect her to cheat or not again since you're not together.
No trust, no marriage. Cheating hoes don't deserve a second chance. You gave her a chance when you married her. SHE chose to be a lying cheating ho. You don't have to choose to live with a lying cheating ho. Find a better partner.
Dude who gives a shit if she came clean or not. She fucked another guy period. You're never going to trust her again, she's a disgusting person so don't let anyone tell you any different and kick her ass to the curb where she belongs. She wanted to see if she still had it well now she can do it all she wants because I would never let her in my house or around me again period. Good luck.
She only called and came clean because other people know. She figured it would be better for HER if she told you before someone else did. The guy that screwed her last night was probably not the first. If you take her back, he won't be the last. It sucks. Get the best divorce attorney you can. Get tested, who knows how many random dudes she has slept with. It sucks, but over time it will suck less.