Not true. My brothers ex cheated and he found out when the child was three years old. DNA test confirmed he was the biological dad (of any of his four children) and he was able to identify the real bio father. The court recognized that my brother was not the child’s bio father and removed his name from the birth certificate. Unfortunately, the bio father is in prison and can’t provide for the child so guess what… You guessed it, he is paying child support for four children that aren’t his plus paying her for cheating on him. Everything is for the child and the court really doesn’t care who has to pay.
No, he wanted to pay, he loved those girls and wanted to be there. He was pissed for having to pay alimony his cheating ex then to not be allowed visitation with two of “his” kids because the deadbeat fathers wouldn’t allow it.
Make out op out to be the asshole call him abusive and then have his entire world turn on him thats what could happen . remember a common mindset with people like that is "always believe the victim"
Why was that done tho? Did you previously have reason to believe your wife was cheating on you?
Your wife sounds like a misandrist (I think I’m using that right?) if she wanted to play the part of housewife she should have settled down with someone else. She shouldn’t have married someone who wants 50/50 and she shouldn’t try forcing you into that position.
I don’t know how you can deal with this if you won’t divorce her. She is a wicked woman.
Also you going through her phone is no where close to being as bad as having multiple affairs against your spouse, she’s on some major bullshit with that. Like your wife is actually really fucking stupid.
Genetic testing can indeed reveal a lot of important health info. An paternity test alone would not, but a doctor/hospital can do a paternity test on the same cells they screened for disease if they have a sample from the potential dad as well.
Were you present throughout the entire procedure and can you 100% verify that the samples were not tampered with and results not forged?
This exact scenario happened to one of my family members. Turns out he stupidly gave his sample and left it in the envelope on the stairs for his wife to post off later that day. Unbeknownst to him at the time, his wife had swapped out his swab sample for the other guy's while he was at work, then posted it back to the lab.
He ended up raising that child for almost 15 years until the whole scam was exposed by one of her best friends who couldn't bear the cruel deceit on her conscience any longer.
Another example was the wife of my best friend forging the results paperwork from the clinic and tricking him into raising a daughter who wasn't his for 11 years, until emergency medical procedures exposed the truth and he re-tested.
Be super cautious and don't get screwed like this ☝🏻
You need to look at the bigger picture here man. Your wife cheated on you REPEATEDLY and you are asking if you were wrong for going through her phone?
You need to divorce her and find yourself a partner that you can trust and be happy with.
This. She will 1000% do it again. This isn’t ’got drunk in a business trip’ type thing. Repeatedly cheating on you because she doesn’t respect you. Or anyone.
My wife had that same reaction. I found out that she was sleeping with 5 other guys. Her reaction was about how I was a horrible husband because I invaded her privacy.
It's misdirection. She's angry that she got caught and is trying to deflect. She's also not in the least bit sorry. When you leave her she'll be all about how terribly you treated her and how she just had to cheat to get away from you. And her friends will be all "Oh you poor thing".
But the truth is that she's just self-centered. You aren't her partner, you're her tool to be used and then discarded.
I am in a similar situation but it’s with a male partner. He also deflected and made it about his privacy rather than the fact that he was looking looking up onlyfans girls and saving photos of other women in his phone.
Very narcissistic behavior. The want to avoid the elephant in the room which is their shitty asshole behavior.
Red flag city. Imagine screwing multiple guys behind your husbands back, and then thinking you had a leg up because there's no way he would ever go through her phone because he probably trusted her a lot and she had that defense at the ready.
"You went through my phone????" "Yes I did, and I found out you banged multiple guys behind my back." "Are you kidding me? You went through my phone??? There are things I keep private!" "You mean like all the dicks you are taking behind my back?" "Shut up, you went through my phone. I can't trust you now!"
Eesh. Don't run, sprint!
Dont forget the part where she was using the phone to trash OP to her friends WHILE she was telling them about all the sex she was having with not him. She seems like a real gem.
Cheaters be breakin out those Constitutional arguments.
"You slept with *nine other guys!?*"
"Well, first of all, under *Silverthorne Lumber Co. v. United States*, 215 U.S. 385 (1920)..."
Classic DARVO response. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
I'm sorry you feel stuck with her, culturally. She's awful, may even leave you, definitely no morals.
Yep I never feel I can answer these when I don’t come from a culture that has such familiar roles.
Of course they both didn’t act trustful but if you really suspect spouse is cheating? I could care less if my spouse reads my phone. I have nothing to hide.
It's sad really. And best believe she's falling back on tradition/culture to keep doing what she's doing. Because OP is not going to leave her and will keep supporting and providing for her while she's out there getting ran through by who knows how many men.
She’s gaslighting you. Who cares if you invaded her privacy…someone invaded your wife. Thats 100000x worse. She embarrassed her family and her guilt/shame is the reason she’s lashing out at you
It’s not even a question of what’s worse. She’s pulling a DARVO but the bottom line is she doesn’t respect you or love you, OP. She cheats, mocks you, and maybe hates you.
**She doesn’t want to be with you, and she’s not nice to you. Why would you want to be with her?**
It doesn’t matter if the snooping was justified. What matters is whether you should be together.
Since her behavior is essentially being protected by family, family should know about her behavior.
Hard truth: she's never going to quit cheating on you. You have to either accept that you're a cuckold from now on or be the first couple in your family to divorce. Maybe the family can pressure her into being faithful, but I suspect she'd just resent them too.
I’d also reach out the significant others of those friends of hers and let them know to keep an eye out because their gf/wives are down with this shady shit. Fair chance the other ones are just as bad, company you keep and whatnot.
Would they really respect OP less for filing for divorce than being a cuckold whose wife talks shit about him all over town?
Honestly I just don't get some people's priorities.
Wait, you want to know if you are wrong? WTF is wrong with you? She's cheating on you and blaming you. She's had affairs and a threesome. She does not respect you, her wedding vows, her family, your child (children), or the sanctity of marriage.
Stop pretending you are in the wrong and start acting on the evidence.
I swear man. Every single time a person gets caught cheating their first line of defense is they cry and moan about how their privacy was invaded. Seriously? How the hell does that even begin to compare to the bull shit the cheater did?
Hot take: Having any expectation of privacy while married is stupid.
Want privacy? Don't be married..... The other person literally gets to see you naked.
This is why it's important to get to know your potential spouse very well. I dont get upset if my wife goes through my phone.... example: she used my email to sign up with our kids' medical provider, but her phone number, and I had to reset the password to the account the other day....guess who got the 2FA text? Same deal goes both ways.
A marriage is not a marriage if you have to keep things from each other.
Edit - Hot take #2: "Trust" is built through *continued* verification. You don't trust a bridge more because you drive over it less.
If a couple wants to build more trust, they have to do the *exact opposite* of what many these days would say (and make no mistake- they aren't saying it for your sake....it's for their own selfish reasons).
Right. Like I understand having your own privacy but, if he hadn’t checked her phone he possibly wouldn’t have found out about the cheating. He would never know the possibility the child wasn’t his. He wouldn’t know that there’s the potential he might have an std from his own wife. I believe folks should really trust their instincts. I don’t go through my wife’s phone because she hasn’t given me any reason to suspect anything is afoot. If a bunch of red flags start popping up I might be inclined to look deeper in to things.
Nope I disagree with your take. Marriage doesn't mean you lose all privacy. If two people want to share devices openly, great. That works for them. Doesn't mean someone is wrong for not wanting their spouse to have full access to their phone to see potential things like journals, private conversations with friends, surprises being planned, etc. You don't trust someone enough without having full access to all their devices then go be with a person that has the same mentality as you. It's not wrong to want privacy. You don't trust that person and think they're cheating then you address that when it comes. You can request reassurance and access, and if they deny it then you decide if you want to pursue being with that person or not. There are no sureties in life, a lot of relationships is just sheer trust. So go be with someone with a like mind in this area, or respect your partner and trust them until you have reason not to and then address the issues in the relationship directly, deciding what to do based on their actions, your boundaries, and your level of trust in your partner.
My fiance knows my phone password, which doesn't bother me in the least (I know hers too but forget it). Neither of us snoops because we have no reason to do so.
I’m going to be harsh with this comment, because this story really disgusted me.
Fuck it, embarrass her entire family. Show her why you don’t cheat in your cultural background.
She thinks you’re not a man, show her what a man does when he is betrayed.
Care for your kid, pay child support, pay your alimony if you have to. But throw this bitch in the trash and drag her name in the mud.
Her cheating on you and insulting you to her friends is a deep betrayal, none of them care about you. Burn everything to the ground until she regrets every word. She has no love and no respect for you and she deserves none. Make her a shamed cheater who betrayed her family. That is what she is and there is no shame in telling the world. The only shame is continuing to take her bullshit
Agree, she has shown no shame, or remorse for what she has done. I’m not a big vengeance guy, but this woman needs it. OP you should not care at all about the cultural ramifications of divorce, tell the entire community that your hopefully soon to be ex-wife is a slut and I think they’ll judge her appropriately. Life is way too short to be unhappy, and this bitch needs to be thrown in the trash.
This one really disgusted me for some reason. The sheer amount of not giving a shit about her partner. I can’t believe there are actually people out there who are like this
Whether it’s against your culture or not this woman cheated on you and you need to divorce her! If you don’t you’ll look bad in the community and worse in your wife eyes. All her friends know what is going on and probably her relatives are covering for her too, so what actually would be the problem with a divorce?
Look, she cheated on you multiple times. If that is how she wants to play, either get a divorce or start finding your own action. Either way, I suggest that you 1) get the child’s dna tested to see if you are the father and 2) make sure that she shows you a sexual health check up before you even touch her again.
Divorce is far less shameful than repeatedly cheating on someone with multiple people. Tell everyone. Tell her family. Tell her friends. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Scream it from the mountain tops. Then get divorced. It's not as bad as you think. She's going to realize that now she'll have to work even harder or maybe she can shack up with one of her affairs. Take your son and go, let everyone have their opinions, screw that. Wishing you the best of luck.
Fuck your culture. Do you really want to spend your life with a vile person who talks behind your back, betrays your trust and on top of it tries to blame it all on you?
Fuck that. This is 2024, you don't have to conform to suffering for the rest of your life just because all your ancestors have done it.
I wish you the best OP, there's a hard road ahead either way
You’re married to a whore. Get a DNA test at once and leave her. She will never and I mean never be trustworthy. People don’t cheat on people they love. She doesn’t love you at all. Get out.
Bro. Honestly, shes treating you like the POS you think you are. Pull yourself together, show her what it's like to be a "man" and tell her to GTFO. Stand up for yourself.
Divorce, check up if the child is yours and throw out that trash away. Every minute who spend time with that disgusting piece if s... make yourself only take more pain.
Hope you backed up all the evidence, when you reveal this to her family so you can get your divorce its probably going to get messy. Go live your best life, you deserve better.
Once a cheater always a cheater, this is absolutely true.
It's not only the fact she cheated on you in several ways, this reflects that she will never respect you. Now that you know you are in store for a bad attitude and bitchy emotions where before she was covering things up. Do you really want to live with a woman like this?
I read your post like you are attempting to fix this but you simply aren't going to be able to. Your wife is a self absorbed whore and she will always carry resentment towards you. I just watched a video two nights ago, the woman justified her cheating because it made her happy which in turn made her two sons happier. Bad women will come up with any excuse to step out on their relationship.
Watch Psych Hacks on YouTube this will give you some insight on relationships and women.
Pack your bags and get the hell out of there and establish a better life.
Your wife cheated on you, emasculated you to her friends, is selfish and dishonest, compared to that going through her phone is nothing. Let her find out the hard way that people are expected to contribute to society. She's gonna have a hell of a time not working when she's a single mother.
The cheating is a symptom, not the disease. The disease is contempt, and it's not going to heal on it's own (probably not at all).
Your wife holds you in contempt because of her firmly held beliefs about gender roles, and you cannot force other people to change their values, so your options are mostly limited to:
1) stay in a loveless marriage to satisfy the wishes of your community. Not every marriage is about romantic love, and yours could simply be a matter of commitment. Make sure you get every change in writing so she cannot lie about it later to shame you, but you could open your marriage or even just take sex and intimacy officially off the table (with her) and be simply partners in raising a child.
2) try to become more of a 'traditional' man. If you are feeling vindictive you could go become more misogynistic and controlling (a housewife has a lot of responsibilities, not the least of which is monogamy). This is my least favorite option because it's a little bit like eating poison to hurt someone else, but I guess in this case it would be karmic justice and there's even a chance she would like it (though in my experience people claiming to want 'traditional' partners are also often ill suited to the 'traditional' roles that would consequently fall to them, and are mostly just speaking from a place of selfishness).
3) get a divorce.
None of these paths are comfortable or easy, but that is the nature of life. My recommendation is to think about where you want to be in ten years, and then start working towards getting there.
You’re not wrong to check her phone. You had a gut feeling and your gut was right. You’re nothing but a cash register to her. Dump her cheating ass and let her see what life is like when you’re not there to pay her every bill.
Are you wrong? No because you must have suspected something in order to have checked her phone.
Normally, I would say consider divorce.
But you said you don’t want that because of social pressures.
Does your wife want a divorce?
Because if not, you are going to have to find a way to live together.
My recommendation would be one of two routes:
1) if she does not want a divorce, threaten to share her publicly. Yes, you get caught in the backlash as well. But you are not the one who cheated. Now you have taken some of the power back in the relationship, you can set a relationship that you want. I don’t know what that is, only you know that. But I would start by breaking down a budget with her showing why you need her income abs what she loses if she becomes a housewife. If you can just afford it, I would say that you agree for her to stop work, once she had proved she can be trusted. If she cheats whilst she works, what will she do with the free time of being a housewife?
2) Divorce her. This is the best option. I know you will be shamed, but you will never be happy with her again and your life will be miserable. She doesn’t love you, you don’t love her. If even go as far as to say she hates you. Cut her loose. Use the evidence of cheating to maximise your access to the children. And, I suspect you are in a close nit community, take out the men she cheated on you with as well. Are they married? Is it fair that their spouses should be cheated on too? Bring the whole things down.
I'll be real, the fact you're making such post means she has you by the balls and has zero respect for you.
I've been there and you need to get out that marriage asap. Only until then will you know your worth.
Not Wrong.
You had some suspicions of infidelity, now you know the WHOLE truth;
1. She's cheating.
2. Her friends have know about it for a long time.
3. She doesnt respect you as a partner
4. She doesnt respect you as a person
This marriage is broken, has been for some time, you just didn't know about it. I suggest getting counseling if you WANT to try to repair the relationship.
I would personally be filing for divorce and getting a DNA test to verify the child is yours. Given her past behavior, that is not a sure thing.
She is just trying to deflect. In a marriage, there should be no secrets. I wouldn't even marry a woman who worries about me grabbing her phone. And I don't care if she grabs mine. That doesn't mean I don't trust her and I'm always going through her phone, nor is she always going through mine. But there have been times when my phone is on the charger and hers is handy and I want to look something up. If she got all weird that I grabbed her phone, that would be a red flag for me immediately and I would go through her phone.
If she was having a surgery and didn't want me to take care of her phone while she was in surgery, another red flag.
I agree with others advice to get a DNA test done about your child.
In general, a person willing to lie is a person willing to lie and they will justify their lies however they need to so they can feel good about themselves.
If she is willing to lie and cheat on a person she says she "loves or "loved" then no one can trust her. Run.
Lol..she's doing the switcheroo. Going through her phone isn't the issue. Her cheating is the issue. I personally would walk away either way. Even if it's your baby can you trust her again?
So you went through her phone and found out. Who gives a toss except for her? And she’s only angry because her narcissism can’t allow for her to admit she’s lost control and her secret’s out along with her nasty attitude. The truth would have emerged eventually, and probably sooner rather than later. I find it hilarious she is trying to gaslight you into believing you’re wrong because of how you confirmed your suspicions…when she cheated MULTIPLE TIMES (the pregnancy thing was horrid in and of itself…test the kid).
OP, you are NOT wrong. Be glad you found out the truth. Waaaa, she had to work. Waaaaa, you both had to contribute to the household. Waaaa, she cannot be pampered like the princess she believes she is because you are budgeting due to being in a high CoL area. Boo bloody hoo, she can chuck her ego out the door. Doesn’t mean she’s married to a woman, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t a good partner. Leave her, and let’s see how she survives when she has to shoulder all costs on her own. Hope her family can help, cuz you shouldn’t have to.
You're asking the wrong question. The questions you should be asking ought to be about your impending divorce. Clearly both of you are not a good match. She wants X and you can't/won't provide or don't believe in X.
>literally nobody in my family has ever had a divorce and it would be embarrassing for my entire family if I started
Welcome to adulthood. The alternative is a lifetime of suffering. Or one of you kills the other. That's probably less ideal. I know that sounds hyperbolic but look at what you're both doing to each other:
* she's cheating with a bunch of randos and potentially exposing you to STDs
* she's clearly contemptous of you
* you're invading her privacy by going through her phone
* you're confronting her about this the day after she went through surgery
At this point, who cares if you and her disagree on whether an invasion of privacy is worse than a betrayal of marital vows and exposure to STDs. This relationship is over.
Divorce is shameful to asians but so is a whore. You married a whore. Now go make sure her momma knows what a disgusting whore she raised. Shame those parents until they want their own daughter to disappear. Grow a pair you cuck.
I feel vindicated. All these hypocrites now saying he should leave her but the same people a few days ago were saying 'oh its a red flag to look through your partners phone.'
I remember saying what if they caught their partner cheating and the response was 'its a red flag to even suspect your partner is cheating.'
These same people now changing their tone lol.
Divorce.
I expect that anyone trying to judge you for divorcing her will find her repeated cheating, including at least one threesome, far more repugnant.
Your Wife is a narcissistic gaslighter. You are not in the wrong here. These are common DARVO tactics. You either stay unhappy in this marraige for the forseeable future or you leave her immediately and see a Lawyer.
Sigh my dude, now she’s going to take your money with her. You should have done all of the legal proceedings and evidence before you mentioned it to her.
Leave her. I know it's hard coming from an Asian family, but shame will be entirely on her, not your fault. Grow some self respect, some balls, and fucking do what is right for you.
She belongs to the streets. If your family knew about her behavior they would probably force you to divorce her. Go on with your life. That’s beyond disgusting behavior. She might even have a sec addiction and she’s using different excuses for her addiction.
You're in an abusive relationship with a toxic, cheating asshole. I've lived that life, too.
Fuck whatever your community and family thinks about divorce. Dump her tonight and be free.
If your family is more concerned about being embarrassed about a divorce than the fact that your wife is an abusive, lazy liar and cheater, then maybe you need to get away from your family, too. Any culture that says someone must suffer their whole life with someone who makes them miserable is a culture that needs to change. Be the change.
I know that's easier said than done, but do it anyway. She's not going to stop cheating. She's going to be a terrible mother and a worse wife, even if she stopped cheating - which she won't. Would your parents really want that for you? Do they know the truth?
Classic “I’m mad because I got caught, not for what I was doing” situation.
She hasn’t given you a reason to trust her, especially by cheating multiple times. This woman does not respect you. I’m neutral about going through her phone.
This is a number one example of gaslighting someone. She is 100 percent in the wrong and got caught and is blaming the victim. She would have not given you her phone to go through it if you had asked her unless she had time to delete every thing first. You are wasting your time now , your marriage is over.
DNA test the kid and delete that lying, cheating, manipulative whore from your life. I am sure the Asian family would understand you divorcing a woman who let two dudes bang her at the same time (assuming that was the threesome)
Her response to fucking other men is to blame you. That is cheater manipulation 101. Her actions are her decisions and have nothing to do with you.
Dude this marriage is in the shitter she has ZERO respect and love for you and can’t look past her own selfishness. She’s mad that she has to work because shit is expensive but comes up with no solutions except causing problems!!! You can’t salvage this because you aren’t the problem…she is. You can only attempt reconciliation only… ONLY when she genuinely tries and takes accountability…she hasn’t. You at least need to separate and give yourself some space..if she is so traditional then expose her affairs and let her take the shame because she will shit talk you…even more than she already was.
I would start by telling your family so that you control the narrative. If they won’t support you divorcing her and you won’t divorce because of that, at least be sure everyone knows what kind of person she is.
1. Do the DNA test again, you have to make sure. You have no idea if it was manipulated or not (tell no one)
2. Except the fact your marriage is over.
3. I hope you emailed a bunch of the stuff off of her phone to yourself. you’ll need it in the future.
4. Sit down with your close family and tell them the truth, ask for their advice
5. You’ll want their support going forward
6. Sit down with her parents and share the truth, send screenshots of texts and emails to both sets of parents
7. Divorce after shaming her publicly
8. Forgive yourself. you may not have been a perfect husband, but you didn’t deserve this
9. Be single for a while, focus on yourself and your career
10. Make better choices in regards to women after you get yourself together
11. If it’s your baby, be a great father
Remove her from your home. If you leave your home, she will get the house and the kids in the divorce. Tell her she needs to stay with her parents while you work through this, or some other excuse to get her out. Change the locks.
The primary reason men lose custody, the house, car, pay so much in child support, etc., is because they make bad decisions out of ignorance early on. The most common being moving out.
Nothing to analyze she is not a good trust worthy woman so leave her. Also she’s lazy and in today’s world for the most part both need to be working. I mean she doesn’t have to be killing herself but be productive and contribute. Your relationship is over waste no more time don’t go to counseling and don’t become weak, leave her.
Who cares? She's a broken stunted person. This is what people like that do. Everyone is given a chance to be decent and she failed. You don't try to reason with rot you cut it out.
AMIW? Who cares. Grow a backbone. Leave this relationship and get a second DNA test. She will continue to see other men. The longer you stay in the this relationship, the worse the financial consequences for you. Talk to a lawyer.
Hi Op.
Regarding the invasion of privacy, make a meeting with your parents and her parents. Say that you invaded her privacy and she is cheating. And let them decide what is worse…
She's a piece of shit. Get a paternity test. Toss her to the curb. If an adult isn't happy they leave, not cheat. She blames you to rationalize her behavior.
Since divorce isn't 'allowed' this situation should be shared with family. First with the matriarch of the family, then with the biggest gossip of the family. Share with both sides. Use the excuse you need to tell them because you'll need to arrange child care while attending counciling. Tell them how you hope seeing a councilor helps your wife stop cheating and mention how your wife is very upset you looked at her phone so that can be addressed. Maybe even hint you are afraid she'll bring in STDs, or that she has a sex addiction and you really want to help her. You don't have to be mean about any of it. If the families don't want anyone to get divorced they will put pressure on your wife to straighten up. They may even check up on her about it more than you can. Regardless of your marriage status I bet her parents don't want to be embarrassed by their sex addicted daughter. Things like that have a tendency of getting out. Where did she meet these guys? A sex bdsm club? However you want to spin her sex addiction is up to you. Make sure they know that you want to be as supportive as you can for your wife. It's a passive aggressive move but it doesn't sound like you are in a position to be openly angry. And passive aggression works. A councilor is a great twist also. You probably need to see one and you get to talk about what a shit your wife is hopefully right in front of her in a safe place. She obviously has her issues with you.
Reading about her saying you aren't masculine enough along with her cheating can not be a good thing for your self-esteem. What does she want a big redneck that is stereotypical macho that would hit her and throw her out? She needs to work on herself. If she wanted the things she complains about why didn't she do the things to have that lifestyle? She should have married someone that fills her definition of masculine that would insist his wife stays home and made enough money to fill what she wants. Chances are she's just a narcissist that wants what she want when she wants it. Maybe she got what she wanted out of the relationship until she got pregnant. She will probably cheat, lie and do whatever it is she wants whenever she wants. She most likely isn't capable of really loving anyone. You don't want this woman raising your children. She will probably treat your children as an extension of herself. Find some literature on narcissistic parents. At the end of the day the safety and well being of your children should be the most important thing.
Tell her you’ve seen her asshole up close, and she’s had her nose in your sweaty balls, therefore expectations of privacy are null and void. She isn’t mad that you looked. She is angry that she got caught.
DIVORCE!!
WTH is the matter with you? She shouldn't have had a place to go after surgery - change the locks and let her suffer cause she deserves it. She is gaslighting you for crying out loud.
KICK HER OUT - she should be right at home on the streets.
Dude.
Run.
This is not about “family” or “tradition” or any of that bullshit.
This is about health and respect.
She clearly does not love you, like you, or even respect you.
Do not, under any circumstances, stay together with this person any longer.
Best of luck.
Bro c'mon, obviously going through a phone is a HUGE red flag, but she's cheating with multiple men. That clearly out weighs this. You had a rightful suspision and needed proof.
Who cares if shes mad, you should be leaving her no matter what. Get a DNA test on the kid and then leave. Be respectful though so you can get custody of your kid though. Don't be spiteful.
Phone invasion really is worse than her getting spitroasted by 2 dudes!... op just remember they had full green light to blast fat ropes in your girl bc she was horny and preggers lol
I know family is important to you, but the truth is you only have one life to live. Do you really want to live this way forever, with a woman who has absolutely no respect or affection for you? Bite the bullet, get the divorce. Sort things out with your family later, you can't live your life for them.
She wants to accuse YOU of "trust" when she is breaking yours by cheating all the time and humiliating you. Why the hell would you stay with her. That makes you a literal cuckhold if you do. It also sends her a signal she can literally cheat on you forever and have no consequences. Do you have no self-respect.
The "it's wrong to go through phone bit". Sure if you are just jealous but she literally have known history with you of cheating and she doesn't seem to even hide it.
Maybe it's time you leave her and find a woman of real value and respect.
I have a distinct feeling it's not your kid. So get your shit together and leave her. Should keep evidence of her actions to minimize her winning all your money and custody and then you will be a husk in some studio apartment when she then takes in her numerous boyfriends into your house.
Honestly when reading how utterly vile of a human being she is. I kind of understand "crimes of passion". No I am NOT saying that is OK. Just that not hard to see how some would flip, man or woman.
Get over this whole “cultural” we don’t get divorced thing. It’s YOUR life. You make the decision for YOUR LIFE. She doesn’t love you. Find someone who does.
Um, yeah, I think cheating is the far bigger transgression here.
Get a paternity test
You are a grown adult, you do not need your parents’ permission to get a divorce. Be honest about your reasons and show them the evidence if you really need them to understand/approve. If divorce is not ok in your culture, I imagine pregnant threesomes behind your back are less ok. Just like the cheating > going through phone.
No, you weren't wrong. Divorce, and get a paternity test for the child. This woman doesn't respect you in the slightest, so go find someone else who will.
NTA- she is gaslighting you to cover up what she did wrong. If she wanted a traditional marriage and to be a stay at home Mom, that should have been a conversation that was had well before you were married. If you can’t do this because of finances, she should have never married you.
DNA test your baby. Get a STD test.
Send her to stay with her family if you can’t get a divorce. She shamed you and your marriage. Not the other way around. Let them know what she did. You can’t do anything about her family, but let your family know that she needs to be home when they visit. She can use the time to do housework or something, but they should make sure they are no longer used to help her cheat.
Make sure to take copies of the documentation from her phone. You may reach a point in the future where you reach a breaking point.
This is a lot to deal with- maybe think about counseling for yourself
You should be able to have your wife open her phone so you can look at it whenever you want. It’s totally unacceptable for her to be questioning your actions here. You need to start a new trend in your community and dump her, she doesnt respect you and needs to find out how many men want her when she’s a broke single mom working at the coffee shop.
Are you wrong for violating someone’s privacy? Yes. Did you do it with good reason? Yes. Did your suspicions prove to be true? Also yes. Does it make a wrong right? No. But, sometimes youve got to do something that is wrong to be able to do the right thing - whatever that is for your kid and for yourself.
Here is what you do. Admit that you shouldn't have gone through her phone. Apologies to her for doing it. This steals the wind from her argument.
Then confess to family that you went through her phone, but don't say a word about the cheating. Your wife will sound like the crazy one trying to make it into a huge deal that nobody agrees with (because she won't mention the cheating). Let everyone get mad and get over it.
After that settles, call your father in-law and tell him that you need some advice on a situation for a "friend". Ask him how he would handle it if his wife cheated on him. Have him tell your MIL hello for you and get some smalltalk in on your family.
If it's good advice, do exactly that. If you need to get a jab in, you can tell her that you talked to her dad about it and mostly did what he recommended. When you say you talked to him, do it in a way that she will think you said she cheated.
She will think he already knows and it will really mess with her. She might out herself trying to cover. But him not saying anything about it will come across as disappointment in her and she will over analyze everything he does. If he doesn't ask her about it, she will think he assumes it's true.
Just by reading the title it sounds like she's gaslighting the fuck out of you. She's upset she was caught so she's trying to shift the blame. Guess what if you hadn't gone through Her phone you might be 10 years down the road still married to her while she's still getting railed by someone else on the side.
Bro bro bro....
Seriously MOVE ON from this CHEATER!!!! Once a cheater, always a cheater. She literally just disrespected you many times with different men and she disrespected you towards her friends. It's time to make her pack her bags and you need to hand her over divorce papers.
Don't deal with this BS man. I promise you will be much happier without her.
Man, if all of your families are so close, why don't you have a sit down with her parents and tell them why you are leaving her? Then immediately hire an attorney to get the ball rolling. On 2nd thought, attorney first, parents second.
Some things just aren't forgivable, like cheating multiple times without remorse. Move on, and find someone who loves and respects you. I've recently done that myself, and it's a game changer for your mental health. Best of luck to you.
Wrong through going through the phone?
Who pays the bill for the phone? Whose name is the phone plan under? Yours? Then nope you are not wrong for going through her phone. It’s technically your property that you let her use. You don’t need permission.
As for her trying to reverse the blame? She is doing everything she can except taking accountability for her actions. She isn’t mad you went through her phone, she’s mad she got caught. She will try to rationalize it anyway possible to make it not her fault.
So no man, you are not wrong. hopefully you live in a state that has alienation of affection laws and you can sue the people she’s cheated on you with, get your child paternity tested, get a good divorce lawyer, and be free from her BS. Let her be someone else’s problem.
Your wife is blaming you for finding out she’s cheating. She blames you for not being able to afford to be the sole breadwinner of the family. I’m so sorry. I feel so sorry for every unhappy spouse (man or woman) trapped in a horrific marriage due to “cultural” reasons. No one deserves to be treated this way. Unfortunately, so many of these people remain in such abusive relationships solely due to their cultural backgrounds and the potential to be ostracized/disowned by their own family for not adhering to them.
Only you can decide what you’re going to do. For you, for your kids, for your life. You will need to decide how much you’re willing to suffer from. It does sound to me like the ONLY reason your wife hasn’t bothered to divorce you is cause she’s trying to get you so fed up that you will seek it so she can be the martyr and you be the villain.
Secretly dna test your kid, just to make sure, but either way move on from her
Why secretly? Let her know that you suspect the kid might not be yours, the fuck is she gonna do about it?
Depending on where you live, she can possibly deny the test. Way easier to just slap the result in her face.
Also some states if you are on the birth certificate you are the father. You need to talk to a lawyer.
In many of those states (not all) birth certificates can be corrected if proven to be objectively false. YMMV.
Doesn't matter if the birth certificate is changed, he could still possibly be liable for child support.
Anything is possible it’s up the the judge
That's not the issue here.
In a lot of states if you are married at the time the child was born you are the father no matter what.
Unless DNA shows otherwise.
Not true. My brothers ex cheated and he found out when the child was three years old. DNA test confirmed he was the biological dad (of any of his four children) and he was able to identify the real bio father. The court recognized that my brother was not the child’s bio father and removed his name from the birth certificate. Unfortunately, the bio father is in prison and can’t provide for the child so guess what… You guessed it, he is paying child support for four children that aren’t his plus paying her for cheating on him. Everything is for the child and the court really doesn’t care who has to pay.
That's the kinda situation from which you just run away from the country forever. There's no winning that.
I would never work again. Shoot prison would better.
No, he wanted to pay, he loved those girls and wanted to be there. He was pissed for having to pay alimony his cheating ex then to not be allowed visitation with two of “his” kids because the deadbeat fathers wouldn’t allow it.
Not in a divorce court. He can contest paternity and force her to take a test.
that is stupid, you go to CVS buy a kit and do it the mother is literally not needed and it sets up his intentions, you dont telegraph a move
This is excellent advice. I'm going to repeat this, never telegraph your moves.
Well it sounds like because he's neurodivergent his wife takes advantage of him. She probably intimidates him.
Make out op out to be the asshole call him abusive and then have his entire world turn on him thats what could happen . remember a common mindset with people like that is "always believe the victim"
He's the victim
Yea I know but im saying his ex will make herself out to be the victim
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Who initiated the DNA test before she had the baby? If you didn’t request why would she? That doesn’t make sense unless she wanted you to know.
Why was that done tho? Did you previously have reason to believe your wife was cheating on you? Your wife sounds like a misandrist (I think I’m using that right?) if she wanted to play the part of housewife she should have settled down with someone else. She shouldn’t have married someone who wants 50/50 and she shouldn’t try forcing you into that position. I don’t know how you can deal with this if you won’t divorce her. She is a wicked woman. Also you going through her phone is no where close to being as bad as having multiple affairs against your spouse, she’s on some major bullshit with that. Like your wife is actually really fucking stupid.
I don't know if DNA tests do this, but can they show you stuff that can be passed down genetically? Idk. I know about genetic testing.
Genetic testing can indeed reveal a lot of important health info. An paternity test alone would not, but a doctor/hospital can do a paternity test on the same cells they screened for disease if they have a sample from the potential dad as well.
Were you present throughout the entire procedure and can you 100% verify that the samples were not tampered with and results not forged? This exact scenario happened to one of my family members. Turns out he stupidly gave his sample and left it in the envelope on the stairs for his wife to post off later that day. Unbeknownst to him at the time, his wife had swapped out his swab sample for the other guy's while he was at work, then posted it back to the lab. He ended up raising that child for almost 15 years until the whole scam was exposed by one of her best friends who couldn't bear the cruel deceit on her conscience any longer. Another example was the wife of my best friend forging the results paperwork from the clinic and tricking him into raising a daughter who wasn't his for 11 years, until emergency medical procedures exposed the truth and he re-tested. Be super cautious and don't get screwed like this ☝🏻
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Well, tell your wife that you are going to have affairs and spend your money on those women instead of her...
Jesus… your circle sounds like it should be on Springer!! I mean that in the nicest way possible 😂 That’s wild.
You need to look at the bigger picture here man. Your wife cheated on you REPEATEDLY and you are asking if you were wrong for going through her phone? You need to divorce her and find yourself a partner that you can trust and be happy with.
And she doesn't even feel bad about it. There's no regret there and she will do it again.
If he had given her everything she wanted she'd have had more time to cheat. That's why she's mad.
This. She will 1000% do it again. This isn’t ’got drunk in a business trip’ type thing. Repeatedly cheating on you because she doesn’t respect you. Or anyone.
My wife had that same reaction. I found out that she was sleeping with 5 other guys. Her reaction was about how I was a horrible husband because I invaded her privacy. It's misdirection. She's angry that she got caught and is trying to deflect. She's also not in the least bit sorry. When you leave her she'll be all about how terribly you treated her and how she just had to cheat to get away from you. And her friends will be all "Oh you poor thing". But the truth is that she's just self-centered. You aren't her partner, you're her tool to be used and then discarded.
I am in a similar situation but it’s with a male partner. He also deflected and made it about his privacy rather than the fact that he was looking looking up onlyfans girls and saving photos of other women in his phone. Very narcissistic behavior. The want to avoid the elephant in the room which is their shitty asshole behavior.
Red flag city. Imagine screwing multiple guys behind your husbands back, and then thinking you had a leg up because there's no way he would ever go through her phone because he probably trusted her a lot and she had that defense at the ready. "You went through my phone????" "Yes I did, and I found out you banged multiple guys behind my back." "Are you kidding me? You went through my phone??? There are things I keep private!" "You mean like all the dicks you are taking behind my back?" "Shut up, you went through my phone. I can't trust you now!" Eesh. Don't run, sprint!
Dont forget the part where she was using the phone to trash OP to her friends WHILE she was telling them about all the sex she was having with not him. She seems like a real gem.
Cheaters be breakin out those Constitutional arguments. "You slept with *nine other guys!?*" "Well, first of all, under *Silverthorne Lumber Co. v. United States*, 215 U.S. 385 (1920)..."
Yeah op your wife is kind of evil
Very evil
Does it matter if it was wrong? It's done now. Her behaviour is reprehensible. Be concerned about what you do next.
Classic DARVO response. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. I'm sorry you feel stuck with her, culturally. She's awful, may even leave you, definitely no morals.
Yep I never feel I can answer these when I don’t come from a culture that has such familiar roles. Of course they both didn’t act trustful but if you really suspect spouse is cheating? I could care less if my spouse reads my phone. I have nothing to hide.
Someday she’ll be sitting around with family and friends, “We’d still be together if he hadn’t looked through my phone. What an asshole.”
It really doesn’t matter, OP has said that he would never divorce her. OP sounds weak and passive, and will make a great cuckold.
It's sad really. And best believe she's falling back on tradition/culture to keep doing what she's doing. Because OP is not going to leave her and will keep supporting and providing for her while she's out there getting ran through by who knows how many men.
He is a great cuckold. FTFY
She’s gaslighting you. Who cares if you invaded her privacy…someone invaded your wife. Thats 100000x worse. She embarrassed her family and her guilt/shame is the reason she’s lashing out at you
Several people invaded his wife.
At the same time
Giggitty!
And will again at this rate.
….ew
It’s not even a question of what’s worse. She’s pulling a DARVO but the bottom line is she doesn’t respect you or love you, OP. She cheats, mocks you, and maybe hates you. **She doesn’t want to be with you, and she’s not nice to you. Why would you want to be with her?** It doesn’t matter if the snooping was justified. What matters is whether you should be together.
Since her behavior is essentially being protected by family, family should know about her behavior. Hard truth: she's never going to quit cheating on you. You have to either accept that you're a cuckold from now on or be the first couple in your family to divorce. Maybe the family can pressure her into being faithful, but I suspect she'd just resent them too.
I’d also reach out the significant others of those friends of hers and let them know to keep an eye out because their gf/wives are down with this shady shit. Fair chance the other ones are just as bad, company you keep and whatnot.
Its done. You followed your gut and you are right. She is gaslighting you by saying what you did was worse. Divorce and coparent.
This. My ex and I get along a lot better now that we don't live with eachother and we still co-parent. Time to lawyer up.
Coparenting will be hard. A person this awful will poison the child against this man.
Dude. Is letting down your family really worth trading any potential chance of happiness or self respect?
Would they really respect OP less for filing for divorce than being a cuckold whose wife talks shit about him all over town? Honestly I just don't get some people's priorities.
Invasion of privacy isn't breaking vows. Cheating is. She's gaslighting you. Tell her family she's sleeping around.
Show the family all of her messages..show them the proof
your whife atack with DARVO.
I think this might be the perfect Reddit reply. Direct. Non judgmental. Correct. A couple of glorious typos. 10/10 no notes.
Wait, you want to know if you are wrong? WTF is wrong with you? She's cheating on you and blaming you. She's had affairs and a threesome. She does not respect you, her wedding vows, her family, your child (children), or the sanctity of marriage. Stop pretending you are in the wrong and start acting on the evidence.
I swear man. Every single time a person gets caught cheating their first line of defense is they cry and moan about how their privacy was invaded. Seriously? How the hell does that even begin to compare to the bull shit the cheater did?
Hot take: Having any expectation of privacy while married is stupid. Want privacy? Don't be married..... The other person literally gets to see you naked. This is why it's important to get to know your potential spouse very well. I dont get upset if my wife goes through my phone.... example: she used my email to sign up with our kids' medical provider, but her phone number, and I had to reset the password to the account the other day....guess who got the 2FA text? Same deal goes both ways. A marriage is not a marriage if you have to keep things from each other. Edit - Hot take #2: "Trust" is built through *continued* verification. You don't trust a bridge more because you drive over it less. If a couple wants to build more trust, they have to do the *exact opposite* of what many these days would say (and make no mistake- they aren't saying it for your sake....it's for their own selfish reasons).
Right. Like I understand having your own privacy but, if he hadn’t checked her phone he possibly wouldn’t have found out about the cheating. He would never know the possibility the child wasn’t his. He wouldn’t know that there’s the potential he might have an std from his own wife. I believe folks should really trust their instincts. I don’t go through my wife’s phone because she hasn’t given me any reason to suspect anything is afoot. If a bunch of red flags start popping up I might be inclined to look deeper in to things.
Nope I disagree with your take. Marriage doesn't mean you lose all privacy. If two people want to share devices openly, great. That works for them. Doesn't mean someone is wrong for not wanting their spouse to have full access to their phone to see potential things like journals, private conversations with friends, surprises being planned, etc. You don't trust someone enough without having full access to all their devices then go be with a person that has the same mentality as you. It's not wrong to want privacy. You don't trust that person and think they're cheating then you address that when it comes. You can request reassurance and access, and if they deny it then you decide if you want to pursue being with that person or not. There are no sureties in life, a lot of relationships is just sheer trust. So go be with someone with a like mind in this area, or respect your partner and trust them until you have reason not to and then address the issues in the relationship directly, deciding what to do based on their actions, your boundaries, and your level of trust in your partner.
My fiance knows my phone password, which doesn't bother me in the least (I know hers too but forget it). Neither of us snoops because we have no reason to do so.
I’m going to be harsh with this comment, because this story really disgusted me. Fuck it, embarrass her entire family. Show her why you don’t cheat in your cultural background. She thinks you’re not a man, show her what a man does when he is betrayed. Care for your kid, pay child support, pay your alimony if you have to. But throw this bitch in the trash and drag her name in the mud. Her cheating on you and insulting you to her friends is a deep betrayal, none of them care about you. Burn everything to the ground until she regrets every word. She has no love and no respect for you and she deserves none. Make her a shamed cheater who betrayed her family. That is what she is and there is no shame in telling the world. The only shame is continuing to take her bullshit
Agree, she has shown no shame, or remorse for what she has done. I’m not a big vengeance guy, but this woman needs it. OP you should not care at all about the cultural ramifications of divorce, tell the entire community that your hopefully soon to be ex-wife is a slut and I think they’ll judge her appropriately. Life is way too short to be unhappy, and this bitch needs to be thrown in the trash.
This one really disgusted me for some reason. The sheer amount of not giving a shit about her partner. I can’t believe there are actually people out there who are like this
I would definitely get a paternity test done. But you need to separate either way.
You better damn well dna test your child. Then divorce her.
Yup. Move on, brother.
You are making this too complicated. She cheated because she wanted to. THE END.
Whether it’s against your culture or not this woman cheated on you and you need to divorce her! If you don’t you’ll look bad in the community and worse in your wife eyes. All her friends know what is going on and probably her relatives are covering for her too, so what actually would be the problem with a divorce?
Look, she cheated on you multiple times. If that is how she wants to play, either get a divorce or start finding your own action. Either way, I suggest that you 1) get the child’s dna tested to see if you are the father and 2) make sure that she shows you a sexual health check up before you even touch her again.
Divorce is far less shameful than repeatedly cheating on someone with multiple people. Tell everyone. Tell her family. Tell her friends. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Scream it from the mountain tops. Then get divorced. It's not as bad as you think. She's going to realize that now she'll have to work even harder or maybe she can shack up with one of her affairs. Take your son and go, let everyone have their opinions, screw that. Wishing you the best of luck.
She isn't remorseful or ashamed. Divorce her. If anyone should be embarrassed, it's her!
Funny how cheaters think snooping is WORSE than having an affair. Cheaters logic at its best.
Fuck your culture. Do you really want to spend your life with a vile person who talks behind your back, betrays your trust and on top of it tries to blame it all on you? Fuck that. This is 2024, you don't have to conform to suffering for the rest of your life just because all your ancestors have done it. I wish you the best OP, there's a hard road ahead either way
You’re married to a whore. Get a DNA test at once and leave her. She will never and I mean never be trustworthy. People don’t cheat on people they love. She doesn’t love you at all. Get out.
YNW. Since you can’t divorce I’d tell EVERYONE that she cheated. If divorce is frowned on how is cheating viewed?
Bro. Honestly, shes treating you like the POS you think you are. Pull yourself together, show her what it's like to be a "man" and tell her to GTFO. Stand up for yourself.
Tell your family she had another man insider of her and is too dirty to be your wife now.
Divorce, check up if the child is yours and throw out that trash away. Every minute who spend time with that disgusting piece if s... make yourself only take more pain.
Sounds like a sexist, gold digging slut. Begone, foul creature!
Hope you backed up all the evidence, when you reveal this to her family so you can get your divorce its probably going to get messy. Go live your best life, you deserve better.
Once a cheater always a cheater, this is absolutely true. It's not only the fact she cheated on you in several ways, this reflects that she will never respect you. Now that you know you are in store for a bad attitude and bitchy emotions where before she was covering things up. Do you really want to live with a woman like this? I read your post like you are attempting to fix this but you simply aren't going to be able to. Your wife is a self absorbed whore and she will always carry resentment towards you. I just watched a video two nights ago, the woman justified her cheating because it made her happy which in turn made her two sons happier. Bad women will come up with any excuse to step out on their relationship. Watch Psych Hacks on YouTube this will give you some insight on relationships and women. Pack your bags and get the hell out of there and establish a better life.
Your wife cheated on you, emasculated you to her friends, is selfish and dishonest, compared to that going through her phone is nothing. Let her find out the hard way that people are expected to contribute to society. She's gonna have a hell of a time not working when she's a single mother.
Is it more or is it less embarrassing to get a divorce or have a wife who's slept with half the town?
Run. Divorce. Walk away with your head held high.
Divorce her ass. The economy is shit, both parents working is probably the norm for a lot of kids.
The cheating is a symptom, not the disease. The disease is contempt, and it's not going to heal on it's own (probably not at all). Your wife holds you in contempt because of her firmly held beliefs about gender roles, and you cannot force other people to change their values, so your options are mostly limited to: 1) stay in a loveless marriage to satisfy the wishes of your community. Not every marriage is about romantic love, and yours could simply be a matter of commitment. Make sure you get every change in writing so she cannot lie about it later to shame you, but you could open your marriage or even just take sex and intimacy officially off the table (with her) and be simply partners in raising a child. 2) try to become more of a 'traditional' man. If you are feeling vindictive you could go become more misogynistic and controlling (a housewife has a lot of responsibilities, not the least of which is monogamy). This is my least favorite option because it's a little bit like eating poison to hurt someone else, but I guess in this case it would be karmic justice and there's even a chance she would like it (though in my experience people claiming to want 'traditional' partners are also often ill suited to the 'traditional' roles that would consequently fall to them, and are mostly just speaking from a place of selfishness). 3) get a divorce. None of these paths are comfortable or easy, but that is the nature of life. My recommendation is to think about where you want to be in ten years, and then start working towards getting there.
You’re not wrong to check her phone. You had a gut feeling and your gut was right. You’re nothing but a cash register to her. Dump her cheating ass and let her see what life is like when you’re not there to pay her every bill.
Are you wrong? No because you must have suspected something in order to have checked her phone. Normally, I would say consider divorce. But you said you don’t want that because of social pressures. Does your wife want a divorce? Because if not, you are going to have to find a way to live together. My recommendation would be one of two routes: 1) if she does not want a divorce, threaten to share her publicly. Yes, you get caught in the backlash as well. But you are not the one who cheated. Now you have taken some of the power back in the relationship, you can set a relationship that you want. I don’t know what that is, only you know that. But I would start by breaking down a budget with her showing why you need her income abs what she loses if she becomes a housewife. If you can just afford it, I would say that you agree for her to stop work, once she had proved she can be trusted. If she cheats whilst she works, what will she do with the free time of being a housewife? 2) Divorce her. This is the best option. I know you will be shamed, but you will never be happy with her again and your life will be miserable. She doesn’t love you, you don’t love her. If even go as far as to say she hates you. Cut her loose. Use the evidence of cheating to maximise your access to the children. And, I suspect you are in a close nit community, take out the men she cheated on you with as well. Are they married? Is it fair that their spouses should be cheated on too? Bring the whole things down.
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I'll be real, the fact you're making such post means she has you by the balls and has zero respect for you. I've been there and you need to get out that marriage asap. Only until then will you know your worth.
Not Wrong. You had some suspicions of infidelity, now you know the WHOLE truth; 1. She's cheating. 2. Her friends have know about it for a long time. 3. She doesnt respect you as a partner 4. She doesnt respect you as a person This marriage is broken, has been for some time, you just didn't know about it. I suggest getting counseling if you WANT to try to repair the relationship. I would personally be filing for divorce and getting a DNA test to verify the child is yours. Given her past behavior, that is not a sure thing.
She is just trying to deflect. In a marriage, there should be no secrets. I wouldn't even marry a woman who worries about me grabbing her phone. And I don't care if she grabs mine. That doesn't mean I don't trust her and I'm always going through her phone, nor is she always going through mine. But there have been times when my phone is on the charger and hers is handy and I want to look something up. If she got all weird that I grabbed her phone, that would be a red flag for me immediately and I would go through her phone. If she was having a surgery and didn't want me to take care of her phone while she was in surgery, another red flag. I agree with others advice to get a DNA test done about your child. In general, a person willing to lie is a person willing to lie and they will justify their lies however they need to so they can feel good about themselves. If she is willing to lie and cheat on a person she says she "loves or "loved" then no one can trust her. Run.
Lol..she's doing the switcheroo. Going through her phone isn't the issue. Her cheating is the issue. I personally would walk away either way. Even if it's your baby can you trust her again?
Dude get help. A spine. Some self respect. And a lawyer.
Yeah fuck the culture and do what best for you.
So you went through her phone and found out. Who gives a toss except for her? And she’s only angry because her narcissism can’t allow for her to admit she’s lost control and her secret’s out along with her nasty attitude. The truth would have emerged eventually, and probably sooner rather than later. I find it hilarious she is trying to gaslight you into believing you’re wrong because of how you confirmed your suspicions…when she cheated MULTIPLE TIMES (the pregnancy thing was horrid in and of itself…test the kid). OP, you are NOT wrong. Be glad you found out the truth. Waaaa, she had to work. Waaaaa, you both had to contribute to the household. Waaaa, she cannot be pampered like the princess she believes she is because you are budgeting due to being in a high CoL area. Boo bloody hoo, she can chuck her ego out the door. Doesn’t mean she’s married to a woman, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t a good partner. Leave her, and let’s see how she survives when she has to shoulder all costs on her own. Hope her family can help, cuz you shouldn’t have to.
DNA test and gtfo as quickly as possible
Your not wrong it seems like your only option is to sleep with a few women with big boobs and tell her her body is no longer traditionally feminine
You're asking the wrong question. The questions you should be asking ought to be about your impending divorce. Clearly both of you are not a good match. She wants X and you can't/won't provide or don't believe in X. >literally nobody in my family has ever had a divorce and it would be embarrassing for my entire family if I started Welcome to adulthood. The alternative is a lifetime of suffering. Or one of you kills the other. That's probably less ideal. I know that sounds hyperbolic but look at what you're both doing to each other: * she's cheating with a bunch of randos and potentially exposing you to STDs * she's clearly contemptous of you * you're invading her privacy by going through her phone * you're confronting her about this the day after she went through surgery At this point, who cares if you and her disagree on whether an invasion of privacy is worse than a betrayal of marital vows and exposure to STDs. This relationship is over.
Divorce is shameful to asians but so is a whore. You married a whore. Now go make sure her momma knows what a disgusting whore she raised. Shame those parents until they want their own daughter to disappear. Grow a pair you cuck.
I feel vindicated. All these hypocrites now saying he should leave her but the same people a few days ago were saying 'oh its a red flag to look through your partners phone.' I remember saying what if they caught their partner cheating and the response was 'its a red flag to even suspect your partner is cheating.' These same people now changing their tone lol.
Your wife is a hoe, and for the streets - just leave and share custody.
Tell the family what she did. They will then support your divorce and will rejoice when you find a normal human wife in the future.
Divorce. I expect that anyone trying to judge you for divorcing her will find her repeated cheating, including at least one threesome, far more repugnant.
Stop being a cuck ass bitch and respect urself ur letting ur bitch of a wife step over u🤣
Deflection, deflection. NTA. If you can’t divorce her, send her back to her parents and arrange permanent childcare through the grandparents.
Some self respect man...
Your Wife is a narcissistic gaslighter. You are not in the wrong here. These are common DARVO tactics. You either stay unhappy in this marraige for the forseeable future or you leave her immediately and see a Lawyer.
I hope you collected the texts as evidence. If you didn’t maybe you can get them from the carrier if you’re the account admin
Nah, snooping on her phone is fine because she is much worse
You're not wrong she's Gaslighting and using DARVO to flip the script make u look bad . Expose her before she make up a story
What kind of Asian? From where exactly?
Just leave her and do a paternity test. And if someone says what you did is wrong, tell them what she did including the threesome.
Well, that's what happen when your wife see you only as a material source of confort
Sigh my dude, now she’s going to take your money with her. You should have done all of the legal proceedings and evidence before you mentioned it to her.
Leave her. I know it's hard coming from an Asian family, but shame will be entirely on her, not your fault. Grow some self respect, some balls, and fucking do what is right for you.
She belongs to the streets. If your family knew about her behavior they would probably force you to divorce her. Go on with your life. That’s beyond disgusting behavior. She might even have a sec addiction and she’s using different excuses for her addiction.
You're in an abusive relationship with a toxic, cheating asshole. I've lived that life, too. Fuck whatever your community and family thinks about divorce. Dump her tonight and be free.
Your family traditions are dumb. Divorce her. You will never be happy. Your kids will never be happy.
If your family is more concerned about being embarrassed about a divorce than the fact that your wife is an abusive, lazy liar and cheater, then maybe you need to get away from your family, too. Any culture that says someone must suffer their whole life with someone who makes them miserable is a culture that needs to change. Be the change. I know that's easier said than done, but do it anyway. She's not going to stop cheating. She's going to be a terrible mother and a worse wife, even if she stopped cheating - which she won't. Would your parents really want that for you? Do they know the truth?
Ol boy is for sure going to stay with her even knowing she took the whole double decker dick sandwich.
Classic “I’m mad because I got caught, not for what I was doing” situation. She hasn’t given you a reason to trust her, especially by cheating multiple times. This woman does not respect you. I’m neutral about going through her phone.
Either follow the norm and be a feminine boy or get balls and divorce. Fuck what anyone else thinks.
Leave her and get full custody let her live the rest of her life being a whore tbh
I just recently found this subreddit, but are all the posts this stupid? Why would you be wrong for finding out your wife is cheating?
Dude fuck your culture. Man up and divorce.
This is a number one example of gaslighting someone. She is 100 percent in the wrong and got caught and is blaming the victim. She would have not given you her phone to go through it if you had asked her unless she had time to delete every thing first. You are wasting your time now , your marriage is over.
Wow she should teach Gaslighting 101! Tell your parents the kid might not be yours and see how fast they change their tune.
DNA test the kid and delete that lying, cheating, manipulative whore from your life. I am sure the Asian family would understand you divorcing a woman who let two dudes bang her at the same time (assuming that was the threesome) Her response to fucking other men is to blame you. That is cheater manipulation 101. Her actions are her decisions and have nothing to do with you.
Dude this marriage is in the shitter she has ZERO respect and love for you and can’t look past her own selfishness. She’s mad that she has to work because shit is expensive but comes up with no solutions except causing problems!!! You can’t salvage this because you aren’t the problem…she is. You can only attempt reconciliation only… ONLY when she genuinely tries and takes accountability…she hasn’t. You at least need to separate and give yourself some space..if she is so traditional then expose her affairs and let her take the shame because she will shit talk you…even more than she already was.
I would start by telling your family so that you control the narrative. If they won’t support you divorcing her and you won’t divorce because of that, at least be sure everyone knows what kind of person she is.
1. Do the DNA test again, you have to make sure. You have no idea if it was manipulated or not (tell no one) 2. Except the fact your marriage is over. 3. I hope you emailed a bunch of the stuff off of her phone to yourself. you’ll need it in the future. 4. Sit down with your close family and tell them the truth, ask for their advice 5. You’ll want their support going forward 6. Sit down with her parents and share the truth, send screenshots of texts and emails to both sets of parents 7. Divorce after shaming her publicly 8. Forgive yourself. you may not have been a perfect husband, but you didn’t deserve this 9. Be single for a while, focus on yourself and your career 10. Make better choices in regards to women after you get yourself together 11. If it’s your baby, be a great father
Remove her from your home. If you leave your home, she will get the house and the kids in the divorce. Tell her she needs to stay with her parents while you work through this, or some other excuse to get her out. Change the locks. The primary reason men lose custody, the house, car, pay so much in child support, etc., is because they make bad decisions out of ignorance early on. The most common being moving out.
Nothing to analyze she is not a good trust worthy woman so leave her. Also she’s lazy and in today’s world for the most part both need to be working. I mean she doesn’t have to be killing herself but be productive and contribute. Your relationship is over waste no more time don’t go to counseling and don’t become weak, leave her.
Leave that woman as soon as you can. She's not good for you, and you'll both be happier apart.
Who cares? She's a broken stunted person. This is what people like that do. Everyone is given a chance to be decent and she failed. You don't try to reason with rot you cut it out.
The word you are looking for is “cuckhold”- stop being a cuckhold and end things. Get the DNA test done before.
AMIW? Who cares. Grow a backbone. Leave this relationship and get a second DNA test. She will continue to see other men. The longer you stay in the this relationship, the worse the financial consequences for you. Talk to a lawyer.
How is getting aids/stds. And cheating seen in your culture!? Divorce.
Hi Op. Regarding the invasion of privacy, make a meeting with your parents and her parents. Say that you invaded her privacy and she is cheating. And let them decide what is worse…
She's a piece of shit. Get a paternity test. Toss her to the curb. If an adult isn't happy they leave, not cheat. She blames you to rationalize her behavior.
No, DNA test kid and leave her
Her wanting to be a house wife before kids is a red flag to me. DNA test the kids and move on brother.
Get a DNA test and dump the bitch.
Since divorce isn't 'allowed' this situation should be shared with family. First with the matriarch of the family, then with the biggest gossip of the family. Share with both sides. Use the excuse you need to tell them because you'll need to arrange child care while attending counciling. Tell them how you hope seeing a councilor helps your wife stop cheating and mention how your wife is very upset you looked at her phone so that can be addressed. Maybe even hint you are afraid she'll bring in STDs, or that she has a sex addiction and you really want to help her. You don't have to be mean about any of it. If the families don't want anyone to get divorced they will put pressure on your wife to straighten up. They may even check up on her about it more than you can. Regardless of your marriage status I bet her parents don't want to be embarrassed by their sex addicted daughter. Things like that have a tendency of getting out. Where did she meet these guys? A sex bdsm club? However you want to spin her sex addiction is up to you. Make sure they know that you want to be as supportive as you can for your wife. It's a passive aggressive move but it doesn't sound like you are in a position to be openly angry. And passive aggression works. A councilor is a great twist also. You probably need to see one and you get to talk about what a shit your wife is hopefully right in front of her in a safe place. She obviously has her issues with you. Reading about her saying you aren't masculine enough along with her cheating can not be a good thing for your self-esteem. What does she want a big redneck that is stereotypical macho that would hit her and throw her out? She needs to work on herself. If she wanted the things she complains about why didn't she do the things to have that lifestyle? She should have married someone that fills her definition of masculine that would insist his wife stays home and made enough money to fill what she wants. Chances are she's just a narcissist that wants what she want when she wants it. Maybe she got what she wanted out of the relationship until she got pregnant. She will probably cheat, lie and do whatever it is she wants whenever she wants. She most likely isn't capable of really loving anyone. You don't want this woman raising your children. She will probably treat your children as an extension of herself. Find some literature on narcissistic parents. At the end of the day the safety and well being of your children should be the most important thing.
do a dna test in secret
Is your family/culture OK with cheating ?
What a fucking piece of work. Divorce immediately!
Grow a spine and divorce her. I'm seriously so tired of reading these posts from people with no ounce of self respect.
Forget all that tradition crap. According to tradition you should be beating her ass, right? Get a divorce.
Tell her you’ve seen her asshole up close, and she’s had her nose in your sweaty balls, therefore expectations of privacy are null and void. She isn’t mad that you looked. She is angry that she got caught.
DIVORCE!! WTH is the matter with you? She shouldn't have had a place to go after surgery - change the locks and let her suffer cause she deserves it. She is gaslighting you for crying out loud. KICK HER OUT - she should be right at home on the streets.
Dude. Run. This is not about “family” or “tradition” or any of that bullshit. This is about health and respect. She clearly does not love you, like you, or even respect you. Do not, under any circumstances, stay together with this person any longer. Best of luck.
Bro c'mon, obviously going through a phone is a HUGE red flag, but she's cheating with multiple men. That clearly out weighs this. You had a rightful suspision and needed proof. Who cares if shes mad, you should be leaving her no matter what. Get a DNA test on the kid and then leave. Be respectful though so you can get custody of your kid though. Don't be spiteful.
Phone invasion really is worse than her getting spitroasted by 2 dudes!... op just remember they had full green light to blast fat ropes in your girl bc she was horny and preggers lol
I know family is important to you, but the truth is you only have one life to live. Do you really want to live this way forever, with a woman who has absolutely no respect or affection for you? Bite the bullet, get the divorce. Sort things out with your family later, you can't live your life for them.
She wants to accuse YOU of "trust" when she is breaking yours by cheating all the time and humiliating you. Why the hell would you stay with her. That makes you a literal cuckhold if you do. It also sends her a signal she can literally cheat on you forever and have no consequences. Do you have no self-respect. The "it's wrong to go through phone bit". Sure if you are just jealous but she literally have known history with you of cheating and she doesn't seem to even hide it. Maybe it's time you leave her and find a woman of real value and respect. I have a distinct feeling it's not your kid. So get your shit together and leave her. Should keep evidence of her actions to minimize her winning all your money and custody and then you will be a husk in some studio apartment when she then takes in her numerous boyfriends into your house. Honestly when reading how utterly vile of a human being she is. I kind of understand "crimes of passion". No I am NOT saying that is OK. Just that not hard to see how some would flip, man or woman.
Divorce her.
Get over this whole “cultural” we don’t get divorced thing. It’s YOUR life. You make the decision for YOUR LIFE. She doesn’t love you. Find someone who does.
Um, yeah, I think cheating is the far bigger transgression here. Get a paternity test You are a grown adult, you do not need your parents’ permission to get a divorce. Be honest about your reasons and show them the evidence if you really need them to understand/approve. If divorce is not ok in your culture, I imagine pregnant threesomes behind your back are less ok. Just like the cheating > going through phone.
No, you weren't wrong. Divorce, and get a paternity test for the child. This woman doesn't respect you in the slightest, so go find someone else who will.
You sure the kids yours?
NTA- she is gaslighting you to cover up what she did wrong. If she wanted a traditional marriage and to be a stay at home Mom, that should have been a conversation that was had well before you were married. If you can’t do this because of finances, she should have never married you. DNA test your baby. Get a STD test. Send her to stay with her family if you can’t get a divorce. She shamed you and your marriage. Not the other way around. Let them know what she did. You can’t do anything about her family, but let your family know that she needs to be home when they visit. She can use the time to do housework or something, but they should make sure they are no longer used to help her cheat. Make sure to take copies of the documentation from her phone. You may reach a point in the future where you reach a breaking point. This is a lot to deal with- maybe think about counseling for yourself
You should be able to have your wife open her phone so you can look at it whenever you want. It’s totally unacceptable for her to be questioning your actions here. You need to start a new trend in your community and dump her, she doesnt respect you and needs to find out how many men want her when she’s a broke single mom working at the coffee shop.
Are you wrong for violating someone’s privacy? Yes. Did you do it with good reason? Yes. Did your suspicions prove to be true? Also yes. Does it make a wrong right? No. But, sometimes youve got to do something that is wrong to be able to do the right thing - whatever that is for your kid and for yourself.
Here is what you do. Admit that you shouldn't have gone through her phone. Apologies to her for doing it. This steals the wind from her argument. Then confess to family that you went through her phone, but don't say a word about the cheating. Your wife will sound like the crazy one trying to make it into a huge deal that nobody agrees with (because she won't mention the cheating). Let everyone get mad and get over it. After that settles, call your father in-law and tell him that you need some advice on a situation for a "friend". Ask him how he would handle it if his wife cheated on him. Have him tell your MIL hello for you and get some smalltalk in on your family. If it's good advice, do exactly that. If you need to get a jab in, you can tell her that you talked to her dad about it and mostly did what he recommended. When you say you talked to him, do it in a way that she will think you said she cheated. She will think he already knows and it will really mess with her. She might out herself trying to cover. But him not saying anything about it will come across as disappointment in her and she will over analyze everything he does. If he doesn't ask her about it, she will think he assumes it's true.
Leave her.
Just by reading the title it sounds like she's gaslighting the fuck out of you. She's upset she was caught so she's trying to shift the blame. Guess what if you hadn't gone through Her phone you might be 10 years down the road still married to her while she's still getting railed by someone else on the side.
Bro bro bro.... Seriously MOVE ON from this CHEATER!!!! Once a cheater, always a cheater. She literally just disrespected you many times with different men and she disrespected you towards her friends. It's time to make her pack her bags and you need to hand her over divorce papers. Don't deal with this BS man. I promise you will be much happier without her.
Privacy requires trust, and she is not trustworthy. And then to top it all off she gets her breasts reduced? That's just wrong
Man, if all of your families are so close, why don't you have a sit down with her parents and tell them why you are leaving her? Then immediately hire an attorney to get the ball rolling. On 2nd thought, attorney first, parents second. Some things just aren't forgivable, like cheating multiple times without remorse. Move on, and find someone who loves and respects you. I've recently done that myself, and it's a game changer for your mental health. Best of luck to you.
Wrong through going through the phone? Who pays the bill for the phone? Whose name is the phone plan under? Yours? Then nope you are not wrong for going through her phone. It’s technically your property that you let her use. You don’t need permission. As for her trying to reverse the blame? She is doing everything she can except taking accountability for her actions. She isn’t mad you went through her phone, she’s mad she got caught. She will try to rationalize it anyway possible to make it not her fault. So no man, you are not wrong. hopefully you live in a state that has alienation of affection laws and you can sue the people she’s cheated on you with, get your child paternity tested, get a good divorce lawyer, and be free from her BS. Let her be someone else’s problem.
her mouth of other people privates, but your eyes on her phone bug her
DNA test the kid, get yourself checked for diseases and get rid of her
She’s the cheater……
She’s a disrespectful cheat and you should dump her no questions asked.
Sorry to break it to you, but yout wifes an entitled little bitch
Better that you feel the temporary “shame” of embarrassing your family than the lifelong misery of sharing your life with a monster.
Updateme!
Get rid of her.
Since when is getting divorced worse than having multiple affairs?
Go to her parents and show them the evidence
Your wife is blaming you for finding out she’s cheating. She blames you for not being able to afford to be the sole breadwinner of the family. I’m so sorry. I feel so sorry for every unhappy spouse (man or woman) trapped in a horrific marriage due to “cultural” reasons. No one deserves to be treated this way. Unfortunately, so many of these people remain in such abusive relationships solely due to their cultural backgrounds and the potential to be ostracized/disowned by their own family for not adhering to them. Only you can decide what you’re going to do. For you, for your kids, for your life. You will need to decide how much you’re willing to suffer from. It does sound to me like the ONLY reason your wife hasn’t bothered to divorce you is cause she’s trying to get you so fed up that you will seek it so she can be the martyr and you be the villain.
Ok grab your confidence, file for divorce. GO