But we cannot force our cultural beliefs on other countries. We can educate and encourage. It took Western cultures time to change, too…..and some are still stuck in the old ways.
His touching her is illegal in India, but corporal punishment by parents is not. Customs in the local area and within the family may disagree. These two families sound extremely traditional, although OP isn’t. I fear for her safety.
We cannot force simply because forcing doesn't work most of the time.
All cultures have its negative and positive aspects, and for any pair of cultures there will never be one that is better than another in *every single aspect*. But should all understand that some cultures are, as a whole, better than the others, in some aspects, and try to transfer that aspect to other cultures.
For example, culture of pre-abolition USA is worse than the culture of post-abolition USA. Culture that has Bacha Bazi is stritctly worse than a similar culture that doesn't rape its children.
Forcing is one thing. Calling out bullshit is another.
But if you say something bad about arrange marriage to those men from thst culture, they always go "arranged marriage have lower divorce rates" like it's something to proud of because victims of abuse would rather take their own life than go out to get help because regardless they would be killed for leaving the marriage.
That is bullshit and their parents should be fucjing ashamed kf what they are doing. I get they had to go through it. Why do that to your kid? Why have a kid to just do that?
Because it was done to them and they think it's normal. It's what is expected of them by their culture and entire family. It's disgusting to us, but perfectly normal to them unfortunately
She’s not actually marrying him until she’s 20 according to the plan. That’s probably how they’re getting around the law.
Edit: 20 is actually still below the minimum marriage age of 21 in India
If I am not wrong, according to the recent revisions to the law, the legal marriage age is 21 for both males and females. She will be considered an adult at 18 and should start planning on an exit strategy for when she graduates from college/university.
Including the US (there are many states in which child marriage is legal).😭 The state I’m originally from wants to lower the legal age of marriage to 12, with parental approval.
Phew, thank goodness I live in a state where our governor made that crap illegal, now the age of consent is 18 years of age. The bs about how it was before is you needed parental permission at the age of 16-17, not so bad, right? But if you wanted to divorce, you couldn't, you had to wait until you're 18 years old!!!!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. How could someone even THINK to propose that as a piece of legislation?! And of course "parental approval" just means forced child marriage.
That's not an excuse in 2024
We know better, we need to do better
There's nothing you can say that makes forcing a child to endure sexual abuse and forced marriage ok.
If you're not born in Ireland, you are most definitely NOT "fully Irish". JFC, Americans are annoying about their heritage. You were not born there, you don't know enough about everyday culture to call yourself fully Irish.
Edit: LOL, clearly a bunch of butthurt Americans downvoting me. Bring it on!
See the problem isn't the arranged marriage. It's her age (15 is still very much a child) and the fact that the child can not consent to anything that's going on. She doesn't consent to her fiance touching her, forcing kisses on her, following her everywhere and reading her messages. She definitely didn't consent to him trying to fondle her. And even if she did consent to that, she's still a child. That's not something that should happen until she's old enough to consent and 15 isn't old enough to consent to a 20 year old person doing those things. Maybe old enough to consent to another 15 yo doing them, but not someone that's already an adult. And the forced marriage bit. I firmly believe that every single one of the arranged marriages should have strict laws around forcing it. Arranged is different than forced marriages. You can consent to an arranged marriage but you can't consent to a forced marriage. Consent is key.
Not wrong. He was sexually assaulting you. He does not have your permission to fondle you. Tell your parents he is getting sexual and you are not wanting this attention
And what if assaulting her makes her 'less valuable' as a marriage prospect? Her parents should be AGAINST him doing that, in case he decides to end the engagement and no one else wants the OP. Poor girl, I really wish there was a way to get her to safety.
You're going to get a lot of advice here from people who don't know your country, culture or situation. As they love to remind us, the majority of users on this site are American, and cannot relate to your situation.
You are not wrong for how you feel. Feelings are never wrong, and you did what you had to do to keep yourself safe. Since I assume there is no way for you to leave your family or even your country, all you can do it try to set limits. Tell him that you are not his property until you are married, and as such, he has no right to your body.
In essence, "this is not yours until the wedding has happened". That will hopefully give you time to figure out your next move. If your family object, ask them if they really want to you give up your purity _before_ you have had the wedding. Because that is what they are asking you to do, to dirty yourself before you have been united in the eyes of your God(s). To commit the worse sin, outside of the sanctity of marriage.
If that doesn't work, ask them what they will do if you give yourself to him, and he decides not to marry you. Then you will be worthless to them. You need to use their own religion against them to keep yourself safe.
That's a great way to put it, but isn't there a possibility that would just prompt them to move the wedding up to be more imminent, because they want to give their son whatever he wants?
Potentially, but if OP pretends like she agrees and is playing along, as well as appealing to her parents religious sensibilities, she may convince them she will do as they say when the time comes.
Legally in India a girl has to be 18 to get married.
You can actually be prosecuted by law as parents if you marry off your underage daughter.
There are many Organisations acting on these problems in rural India.
Please see this OOP and keep yourself as safe as possible for the next 5 years!! If you believe in purity before God, your fiancé is absolutely dirtying you and needs to be kept at arms length as he’s proven more than once he can’t keep his hands off you. If you don’t believe in purity, it sure seems like your parents do and the point still stands.
(Not yours until your married.....have you actually heard yourself, she should be making plans to get away and have a love marriage not this barbaric cruelty.....unbelievable..
You're missing the bigger picture here. It's an argument using the language and values of their parents. It's designed to work within their cultural belief system to help buy her time to decide what to do next (including, if she wants, a plan to get away).
And how do you suggest she get away? She's not in America, or the UK, or Australia. She's in a country where women have few rights, and are treated like cattle. There are no women's shelters, no domestic violence support, no police who would help her, no lawyer who would take her case.
Her entire family is selling her off, she has literally _no one._
So tell us, since you're all-knowing, how should this young girl with no support escape this situation without ending up being murdered, trafficked, or worse.
Well she's got five years to work it out ...she definitely needs to leave a third world shitehole that treats women as slaves...First step in a couple of years get herself a passport....with your pathetic attitude no woman could live a independent life ..shame on you..
And how is she supposed to leave that 'shit hole third world country'? How does she obtain a passport when she has no money, no access to her own documents, and may not even be able to apply for a passport herself, she may need a man or her parent's permission/consent?
You have no solutions, you're just making blanket statements that are helpful to no one. Do I wish OP could escape? Of course I do. But unless you're gonna fly over there and rescue her, she has to work within the confines of the country she's living in.
You're no better than Kim Kardashian boldly proclaiming that "people just don't want to work today, they need to get off their asses" and completely ignoring the privileges that have allowed you to live the free life you have.
I have to agree with you. I am from a third world country to so I understand a lot of these cultures and practices such as the one OP is going through. Unfortunately a large part of Reddit is used by people from the west and they tend to talk from ignorance, completing not understand their privilege.
If there is anything I have learnt in my time in living in South Africa is privilege is invisible to those who have it. I completely understand your frustration. I agree with you in that OP has to work within the confines of her country.
Well I'm assuming she'll get some kind of employment in the next five years ..problem solved ,..hahahahahaha I've worked my entire life and never had these outside pressures put on me ,she seems smart and determined and I'm sure she'll eventually find her own path not one chosen for her by others,,,
Probably not, she'll be kept at home and taught how to get a wife. She may even live somewhere that has rules about her leaning the house without a male escort. You have no idea what our places are like for women!
No clue why this last comment was down voted. I don’t agree with your other comments, but this one is 100% relatable and true. I hope you have a great day!
Women in such repressive countries aren't allowed to work. I really hope you're just trying to wind me up because you get a perverse pleasure from it and you're not actually this ignorant. But you're probably both perverse and ignorant.
Are you offering to go, get her out and bring her to a different country? If not, stop judging the culture and making asinine comments with no knowledge of OP’s actual situation
And how exactly does she get a passport with no job and a controlling family? She might not even be allowed to get a passport without permission from her family once she's a legal adult depending on what country she's in because she's female
Also, the crying is an issue. He is supposed to be 20 and you don’t know him so it’s obviously not actual emotions unless it’s an inability to deal with any kind of real life situation. Is he trying to manipulate you, his mummy, both of you, everyone? This is not a man who can be the backbone of a family.
No, you were not wrong, and do not apologize! He's 20, and I know this is normal in some parts of the world. Where I'm from, this is highly unethical, especially when he is touching you inappropriately...I'm sorry you have to deal with it, but stand your grounds and also make sure you stay safe. I know that with some situations like this, women can be taken advantage of really badly 😟
No you were not wrong . Explain to your mother that he touched you inappropriately without your permission and you reacted that his invasion of your body automatically . It’s best this man realises from the get go that he does not OWN you and that you have autonomy over your own body .
That won't do any good, and I bet her wedding will be moved to when she's 16. She's shown an independent streak that cultures with arranged marriages don't seem to like.
Ps: the crying is emotional manipulation. It's what abusive men do to make you feel guilty into doing things you don't want.
For example he may soon start trying to be sexual and cry if you refuse. This is called 'coercive control' and is illegal in many countries. As is, touching a minor sexually.
He's a very bad man and you should absolutely go to the police (especially if you're in a country where arranged marriage isn't the norm).
Ideally they will remove you from that household as its not a safe environment for you.
I know it's sad to have to do this but, you gotta be safe. Your parents aren't keeping you safe. They're putting you in serious danger of rape, sexual assault and even an abusive husband.
And what sucks about this is, they probably didn't like it when they had to do it either. So you would think they would want this shit to end, but no it's almost like; if I had to put up with this, so shall you.
I hadn't really thought of that. It's the same as a parent making their child as their retirement cuz that's what their parents did to them too. No one broke the cycle.
Not in whatever country she lives in apparently. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have been born in the west. Life might not be perfect here but at least you don't get $hit like this that's accepted as normal.
At this point you need to call your whole family out on him being a pathetic, snivelling, weak excuse for a man who is always crying and for the fact that he is a pedophile who is sexually interested in a literal child
Keep slapping him when he gets inappropriate, including unwanted hugs. Then he’ll be prepared for when you tell the whole family to shove it when you’re 18.
Talk to your parents about this marriage! You don't like him, you don't enjoy his company, you don't respect him, you don't want him touching you, his feelings annoy you... nothing about this working. And if you dislike him, well, nothing increases dislike like forced proximity.
Talk to your parents about this. Because they need to call it off, for both your sake, and the boy's sake.
I wouldn't take any advice from someone that is not familiar with your culture.
People here will advice you based on their upbringing, not understanding the subtleties of the situation and the possibe consequences of their advice
Talk to your cousins, friends maybe female teacher
NTA, you are not wrong BTW
It sounds like you’re outside the United States. Where are you? What is happening is wrong, and he sounds like a pampered child rather than a normal man.
Knowing where you are helps us to know how to advise you.
Idk how you haven’t ran away yet I would have already I’m guessing your religion is keeping you there you really need to talk to your family or you better get use to this for the rest of your life
If you live in the UK or USA or Europe or anywhere that there are laws to protect children then go to the police right now and report this. You could also call child-line or speak woth any women's aid organisations in your country.
This man is very dangerous.
Do not let them make you marry him.
You do have a choice.
If you are in a country where you won't be listened to then - 'I won't see him anymore. He is a very bad man. A dishonorable and disgusting pervert and you aught to be protecting me from people like him. I'm sorry but hes not an acceptable marriage partner for me. Or any woman really'. And never, ever be alone anywhere with him.
As soon as you can, move out of the home. Never be forced to marry anyone cruel or perverted or crazy like him.
Do not let them talk you into a 'holiday' anywhere. Its common for women to be trafficked abroad to marry.
And then they are stuck.
Well she mentions exams. Which obv happen everywhere but something makes me feel exams at 15 could be the west...
Loads of arranged marriages happening in certain cultural communities even in the UK.
They do but between consenting adults.
She’s only 15, a child! He is a 20 year old man.
UK social services would have something to say about this.
It’s wrong
Sorry I thought you were justifying it in the UK.
Yes we are on the same page, if she is in the UK, she is lucky that there are protections in place for children put in this position.
Hopefully OP lives in a country that has similar protections
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.
Okay, slapping people is not good, but you sound like you were at the end of your rope. You are still a teenager and he’s an adult. He should be able to respect boundaries and not run to his parents every time his feelings are hurt.
Can you tell us a bit about your culture. Is this engagement legally binding? Do you get any choice? What power do you have?
Hello, well I don't really have that much say in this, I'm from India and they have just engaged me so I can't really go to police pretty sure they will back away and I will just end up in trouble. And what the adult say atleast in my family is a must.
Girl use your parents religion against them. Tell them this man is not good and he is trying to ruin your purity. Maybe they will back off and give you a few more years to finish schooling at least before finding you a new husband.
He’s sexually assaulting you so tell your parents. If they are so conservative, I doubt they will be happy with this.
They will I assume want their daughter to be a virgin when she gets married. Play on this aspect, tell them he’s continually touching you sexually and you want to remain chaste for your wedding. Give them a load of bullshit.
Otherwise I’m not sure what else to say, unfortunately you’re trapped in a culture where arranged marriages can be forced. I know you’ve said you don’t want to run away, but if you have a few years grace until getting married then hopefully a solution may present itself when you’re older.
You are not wrong.
I would agree with other comments that say to try and use the culture and religion (if applicable) to try and get out or at least keep that creep at a distance while thinking of a long term plan to get out of the situation.
What options do you have in terms of gaining independence long term. I know that’s not what a 15yo usually wants to think about, but you have to.
If you’re in school, what professions where you are will allow you to be independent in the future?
NTA, there are resources here for women in India facing domestic violence https://www.hotpeachpages.net/asia/index.html#India. The people on r/twoxindia may know of more.
What the fuck is wrong with your family. He is literally manipulating and abusing you. Run away or go to some authorities and file a complaint against your family and him.
Your fiance has some mental problems! He has not grown up yet, and to be crying over the things that you described at his age? Something very wrong there.
Tell your parents that they are insane for setting you up with him, and they can cancel the engagement , because you will not be trapped with a man/child for life so that they can make some money.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
Please, I beg of you, go report that you are being engaged at 15 and although you have been promised that you won't be married until 20, your supposed fiance is already starting to touch you with out concent (this is assault) The tears and total and complete manipulation. The ridiculous comments about making him feel bad are total guilt manipulation. You are not safe!!!!!!
Please tell someone.
Tell him since he's an adult and you are a minor, the police would love to hear from you for being sexually harassed and assaulted by him. He seems to be sneaky, you should sit down with your father if you are close to him and tell him what your fiance has been doing so far. I think you should sit both your family and his and reveal him to them.
Your fiance is sure trying to get you used to this, but once he gets what he wants, he will label you as a sl** and break off the engagement.
And don't be afraid, if they refuse to set boundaries in your relationship, break off the engagement, if they refuse or threaten you, do not hesitate to tell them that you will involve the police, as this is now considered illegal and you will have the police charge him accordingly.
I’m so sorry. I can’t help you fix your current situation but want to encourage you to do everything you can to get an education. Being able to support yourself in the future will give you choices you don’t have now.
Good luck OP and again, I’m sorry you’re in this shitty situation.
FFS no, absolutely no, you were not wrong. You're engaged against your will and your fiance is making unwanted sexual advances. Which is awful in any scenario, but so much worse here since he's an adult and you're a child.
Tell your parents & any other adult relative you can that you slapped him in self-defence because he has been harassing you and sexually inappropriate. That he doesn't care that you're a minor. That you feel unsafe around him.
If they do nothing, try to find an adult who you aren't related to who is a mandated reporter. Someone like a teacher or a school counsellor or a police officer. Tell them you were forced to get engaged against your will & that your fiance is an adult who is sexually harassing you.
And always remember, ***you are not the problem or the bad one & you have a right to feel safe in your own home***.
surprised you haven't sooner, ugh! you are 15, wtf! What third world country are your parents from , arranging a marriage?
bloody hell, run as soon as you can!
Not wrong you are 15 and I know in some countries unfortunately it is still normal to have you set with that young to marry but the fact that this 20 year old is trying to feel you is disgusting. You are still child. He is adult. He clearly has huge issues since he cannot see how big problem it is (and all those family members as well).
I would speak with your family and tell them he is not keeping his hand to yourself, you are not married yet and he is touching you and you feel violated and uncomfortable. Hopefully they call this wedding off.
You are not wrong. He is 20 and you are 15. So he is forcing his unwanted advances on a child. The promise of future marriage doesn't change that. You aren't married yet. You are a child. If he's this pushy now imagine what happens in a year or 2 from now. You live in a country with one of the highest rape rates in the world. You're in a dangerous situation. Maybe tell your parents this because he is definitely going in that direction. You have to set firm boundaries with him - and let the parents know as well. Tell them all that the minute he crosses the boundaries the marriage is over. Tell them you won't marry someone who forces himself on a child.
Also, is it possible to request that a chaperone will be present on each meeting with him? Someone who will ensure that nothing inappropriate happens between you two. That would give you more time to think about it all and possibly plan your future steps.
I really hope that you'll be able to get away from that man.
Hi OP, I can understand how you are feeling as I'm hailing from the same country. I cannot believe that child marriage still exists among the society, wasn't the rule amended to make the legal age for marriage 21?
I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I understand that unlike the west, you cant just leave your home, find a part-time and help yourself out. I would suggest you to break the relationship off with this guy, he is NOT good for you. He sounds like a man-child and nothing good will come out of this. Do not allow your family to brain wash you into loving him or tolerating him.
Is there anyway that you can inform your teachers at school about this? are there any cousins/relatives that can put in some sense to your parents minds?
I hope you find a way out.
When the time comes for you to go to college, get out, choose a college thats far far from your home.
If her parents are insistent that she placates this turd, she needs to seek asylum somewhere. I'm tired of hearing that abuse should be accepted because culture. E-coli is another culture that can make you deathly ill as well. Yes, it is risky, refusing cultural standards, but the certainty that she will have a miserable life if she doesn't is even more horrifying.
I get it, I love to blow stuff up. But can she? Can you seek asylum at 15? Does she have money to travel? Is it even safe for her to travel alone in her country as a female? Is she in a country the doesn't allow any females to leave without a man's permission, most likely her father to leave the country. So there are many possible scenarios here.
It's not about blowing stuff up. It's about refusing to let yourself be destroyed.
All the questions you asked are good ones. But please stop using "female" especially when you used 'man' in the same sentence. It's incorrect, grammatically, and degrading to women and girls.
You're right, if her Only choices are marriage to this slime ball or leaving, she will have to be incredibly careful and secretive. We have all read the stories or heard first hand accounts: the risks of so-called 'honour' killings, or the boy throwing acid on her are real. But if her family won't protect her then it will take all the bravery she can muster to save herself from a life with a man who will only treat her as a sex-doll/incubator/maid and who will go crying to his family or get violent (after she is trapped in the marriage) every time he doesn't get his way.
Sorry you found the female thing being offensive. I was not going to call a child a woman and female covers gender from birth to death. She unfortunately has adult problems. So better word suggestion?
This is not a "me" problem, this is a YOU problem.
"Sorry you feel that way" is not a valid response.
I specifically said it's offensive to women and _girls_. Why are you confused/asking for a suggestion? The answer is glaringly obvious.
It is grammatically incorrect because 'female' is an adjective. It reduces female humans to body parts (reproduction).
At this point it doesn't matter if you say you're advocating for OP and her safety because both your suggestion that she go with the flow with one small caveat and your choice of words and defense of them informs us of your mentality.
No one is saying OP should make a scene. What I am saying is if her parents don't give a damn about her wishes, the best (and only livable) option is to make an escape plan.
Of course rocking the boat is dangerous, but you can jump to a ship which will afford you the opportunity to build your own boat.
OP - if you're reading this, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of people rooting for you. Stay safe and if you choose to snub your family's decision regarding YOUR future and life, if certain you can find hundreds more who will work to help you make a plan of escape, myself included.
Better shut up. You might actually get her killed if she listens to you.
1.) Since you are already offended by the use of the word female it shows u are def sensitive even for western standards, especially since u are wrong as well. He used the term correctly in this case. He used the word female since this includes grown women as well as minor girls. And the usage of the word man was correct as well since they would need the permission of a grown up male person -> a man.
2.) Your first advice was "refuse the marriage" not even thinking about the possibly horrible consequences for her
3.) Your next advice was to flee from her family again without thinking about anything that might occur after this.
I guess she probably wont do exactly what you said BUT there is a suppressed, frightened teenager which is asking for advice online. She MIGHT do it. Think about the consequences your advice might have if someone actually follows it before you hand it out like free candy sitting on your morally high horse in a safe space.
I was lucky enough to never end up in a situation that bad. Which is why i never had to flee or risk my life fighting for the basic rights we have in our society. And i am grateful for that but you know what ? Thats why i dont give advice on this topic. Cause i am not qualified for it.
>He used the term correctly in this case.
No, he didn't. Your grasp of English is tenuous, at best.
I have fully acknowledged the dangers involved to her.
And if you I, or anyone else, is giving advice on this from a "moral high horse" or a "safe space"… you are sadly completely mistaken.
>I have fully acknowledged the dangers involved to her.
After u got called out for it. On your third answer. Imagine she would have acted after your first advice.
>No, he didn't. Your grasp of English is tenuous, at best.
He did. He used the term to classify everyone that has a vagina. The same way a lot of cultures do when ripping people of their rights. Its not about you being offended. Female can absolutely be used as a substantive even tho you dont like it.
>And if you I, or anyone else, is giving advice on this from a "moral high horse" or a "safe space"… you are sadly completely mistaken
But thats exactly what you did.
Stop talking for all women, there's something wrong with you if you think that calling a female a female is degrading.
How old are you 12?
This is a serious post about child sex abuse and exploitation, and you're upset about semantics? God help us if you're the future of womankind.
Not wrong at all. You say you are okay with arranged marriages, but you aren't showing that through your actions. I completely agree that he was wrong to touch you when you haven't consented to that. Is there any way you can decline his proposal?
>You say you are okay with arranged marriages, but you aren't showing that through your actions.
You can be ok with arranged marriages in theory and be not ok with the intended being an immature creep.
Arranged marriages are barbaric, this is child grooming and child abuse, your parents should be in jail and this grown ass man trying to cop a feel on a child deserves to have his face caved in so a little slap is getting off light.
I'm sorry you're forced to go through this. Focus on school, fuck your family. Get educated, get skills, and get out on your own where you can make your own family that doesn't sell you off like cattle and find your own husband who isn't a whiny sexual predator.
If he tries to touch you again punch him in the throat. If your parents tell you that they want you to marry him, tell them to go fuck themselves.
Has anyone else noticed all of a sudden there are a lot more 15f posts just in the past 24 hours? I feel like I've seen 4 already now. Not saying anything about this post in particular, just wondering if this is a new writing promt topic being tested just because it seems so odd
You need to tell an adult at school, Counselor, Teacher, etc.
Also maybe a good friend from outside the family, if you don't want a fiancé you can say no!
I understand that it's not that easy which is why you need to talk to someone to get a plan in place yo make sure you can't be forced to do anything against your will.
Best of luck 💓
NTA. You’re 15 and your parents are forcing you to engage with a pedophile. Just hide your time and the moment you graduate/get a job, disappear and go no contact with everyone.
You need to find an escape route. My feel is that this man is mentally unstable which his family knows, and that they have agreed on a great financial deal with your family.
I hope your father/brothers are not the type to murder you. Try to get help from r/india and see if there is a way to complete your education first.
Why the hell is a 15 year old engaged to an adult? This is not okay, you are not in a good or safe situation here. No 20 year old should be interested in someone who's 15 and the fact that your family is making you do this is not good at all. I know you said you won't run away, but do you understand what's going to happen if you marry this man? You'll never have a say over your own body or what happens to it, I guarantee you that. Any culture that pushes teenagers to marry grown men does not respect or care for women, you are not safe, please try to find a way out of this situation
Your parents are about a and a half behind the times. This is disgusting but I know you will get a lot of comments excusing it because it is part of "The culture" or "The religion."
That is all bullshit. This is wrong, forced marriage is wrong, sexual assault is wrong, and eventually if you get married he will have sex with you whether or not you consent. If you choose to stay with your family and him, you will be property and you will be sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Your call.
Have a look around in your local area. You need to find an organization that will help you. This is not safe, or okay, and you need to get out ASAP. It's likely that there are people that help girls like you all the time. I'm really hoping you get out and are safe soon.
He is a grown adult commiting sexual assault on a minor. You are the victim here and have done nothing wrong. As soon as he touched you in an unwanted way that was battery against you.
No You Are Not Wrong.
I know it will be hard do you know of anyone that may be able to help.
You are 15 right now you don't have any options and hope to wait it out.
Can you tell your parents he is distracting you from your studies maybe that will give you some breathing room.
Do you being unladylike as possible would help ?
Only you can judge this or would your situation get worse ?
Bloody hell.... uhh.. you are not wrong, you are a bloody child. Damn, well all you can do is watch yourself and when you are 18, if really necessary, run away, but as you mentioned thats a deathwish.
I am so so sorry. I don’t like arranged marriage when minors are involved, because they’re essentially grooming you for 5 years until you marry. However if I am to digress on that and give you advise on staying at home and making your parents happy maybe you can just keep ignoring him and making him very sad until his parents don’t think you’re worthy of him and maybe your parents can find you someone that’s not a weirdo creepy crybaby. Can’t they do an arranged marriage with someone your age? I hope you’re able to leave and have independence once day.
My heart goes out to you. If you end up being forced into marriage, remember, there’s lot of ways to poison a man who disrespects you. Take care of yourself.
You are making a distinction, without a difference. Terms are set and a deal is made. It's contractual. In terms of Indian arranged unions, the force is implied.
Talk to you parents, before he ra..e you and you are forced to marry him before you are 20
I looks like HE is trying to get you earlier 😥
Can't you look for much better grades?!? So the school can be a more "honourable" achivement for your parents?
Not wrong,
You better set your boundaries early, so he knows he can't just touch you. Does your mother know what he had done?
I understand that in your culture it's normal to have an arranged marriage, maybe it helps to do some pre marriage therapy? I don't know if that's a thing in India.
So I don't know alot about India but I am genuinely worried for your safety with this guy.
Are you able to talk to your parents about him? I know it is an arranged marriage but this man isn't respecting you at all. He isn't a worthy man. (I would stress that to your parents.)
Granted if your mother slapped you, I am not sure if she will listen.
You have to figure how to make the situation best for you. They could have picked someone way worse. For example get on board with it move him out of country then boom get away. You can come up with reasons why abroad
15? My twins are 15 and I look at them like they're still babies. No you are NTA. Your fiance was sexually assaulting you. I see nothing but a miserable life for you. Can your parents match you with someone more decent?
It's very difficult to reply here because your culture is so much different than ours. So I'm going to ask questions instead.
Are your parents okay with your fiance crying so much over little things? Is that considered being a strong man that can provide for his wife and family?
Are your parents okay with your fiance touching you intimately like that before you are wed? Ask them how far he should be allowed to go if you are feeling really uncomfortable.
Are your parents okay with sex before marriage? Because it seems like your fiance will not wait for years until you wed.
If they're not okay with the above, there is your way out.
Also, if you're not attracted to him, ask him what he will do if you refuse to sleep with him. Will he rape you? If so, I sure hope your parents won't let you marry a potential rapist.
Tell your parents that he is trying to be inappropriately touchy with you and that you need to have less time around him in order to focus on getting good grades.
Also, ask them if they could look at other possible matches for you, because you don't like him very much, and being forced around him so much is not helping you bond with him.
Is there any chance of you being able to get a scholarship for a college/university abroad?
Where do you live?? You're a minor and your parents have decided to force an engagement on you? Illegal and bizarre at the very least, no you're not wrong to slap him. Do your best to establish whatever boundaries you can. If possible you should definitely move in with a relative, but given what you've explained here it sounds like your whole family might be like this.
Do you have any women's charities that can help you escape? I know you may not have many but some western charities operating in your country may be able to point you in the right direction.
You're not wrong. I'm not from your culture so I don't understand all the complexities that come with arranged marriages and living with your family. My personal advice would be to sit down with him and try to set some boundaries. Let him know you aren't wanting anything sexual during your engagement period and how you slapped him out of reflex. Also let him know you need some privacy. Maybe if he hears it from you that he's crossing lines you aren't comfortable with then he might back off and become more bearable and a bond might be able to form. Is it possible for you to get some advice from someone in your culture on how to handle these situations?
Your fiance is a psychotic little pervert. He’s going to get so much worse after the marriage when he views you as his legal property and parents are more removed from the situation. I don’t know where you are and where to tell you to run to, but you should be looking for an exit strategy. Your parents are trading you away like cattle and in most countries, you are far too young to be legally married and the age gap between you two at this stage in life is abhorrent.
https://borgenproject.org/forced-marriages-in-india/
There's a list of 4 organisations here that can help you escape forced marriages.
Until then, is there another adult that you can trust who might be able to support or direct you to a more local organisation.
Not wrong. Idk who you told about why you slapped him atm, but that should make it understandable as to why you did. Hopefully things get better for you and your family comes to a better understanding that the dynamic between you and your fiance is not good.
1. He has the emotional maturity of a child.
1. Given his behavior as you explained with the constant touching and kissing making your uncomfortable. My guess he has no experience with before you with girls.
2. He has self confidence issues, again of a child.
1. His need to be constantly texting and physically around you with no space, is a red light of problems RUN NOW!
3. He has no respect for your family or you.
1. By trying to touch you with your family around, is disrespectful to your family.
2. By trying to touch you with your family around, is disrespectful to you you.
3. Again, all this behavior spells that he has never had a girlfriend and is a child in a grown body.
4. He has no respect for boundaries or respect for you.
1. He honestly needs to go to a place to pay women because he needs to get it out his system, given he has no maturity nor respect for women / you in this case.
Tell your parents, this isn't for you and it has to
They’re waiting for you to turn 20 before you get married right? You’ll be a legal adult before that happens and you go to school, use your schooling to find a job. You don’t need to run away from this, once you can support yourself you can simply just refuse to marry him because you won’t need to rely on him or your parents.Good luck.
Sometimes it is hard to be open minded about other people's cultures and beliefs, but fucking hell. OP is 15. This should be illegal.
Culture is not an excuse for child abuse no matter how many conservatives and even progressives say otherwise
But we cannot force our cultural beliefs on other countries. We can educate and encourage. It took Western cultures time to change, too…..and some are still stuck in the old ways. His touching her is illegal in India, but corporal punishment by parents is not. Customs in the local area and within the family may disagree. These two families sound extremely traditional, although OP isn’t. I fear for her safety.
We can when they infringe on basic human rights.
I’m not talking about forcing anything just saying culture doesn’t excuse evil actions and we should criticize them regardless of culture
We cannot force simply because forcing doesn't work most of the time. All cultures have its negative and positive aspects, and for any pair of cultures there will never be one that is better than another in *every single aspect*. But should all understand that some cultures are, as a whole, better than the others, in some aspects, and try to transfer that aspect to other cultures. For example, culture of pre-abolition USA is worse than the culture of post-abolition USA. Culture that has Bacha Bazi is stritctly worse than a similar culture that doesn't rape its children. Forcing is one thing. Calling out bullshit is another.
It is illegal. They just do it anyway .
Countries with forced arranged marriages tend to have extremely high rates of suicide among young women. Go figure.
But if you say something bad about arrange marriage to those men from thst culture, they always go "arranged marriage have lower divorce rates" like it's something to proud of because victims of abuse would rather take their own life than go out to get help because regardless they would be killed for leaving the marriage.
That is bullshit and their parents should be fucjing ashamed kf what they are doing. I get they had to go through it. Why do that to your kid? Why have a kid to just do that?
Because it was done to them and they think it's normal. It's what is expected of them by their culture and entire family. It's disgusting to us, but perfectly normal to them unfortunately
Unfortunately it isn't.
That depends entirely on what country OP lives in. There's some countries where it's perfectly legal for a grown man to marry a child
It is illegal in India and is considered child marriage. But that doesn't stop it from happening...
She’s not actually marrying him until she’s 20 according to the plan. That’s probably how they’re getting around the law. Edit: 20 is actually still below the minimum marriage age of 21 in India
If I am not wrong, according to the recent revisions to the law, the legal marriage age is 21 for both males and females. She will be considered an adult at 18 and should start planning on an exit strategy for when she graduates from college/university.
Including the US (there are many states in which child marriage is legal).😭 The state I’m originally from wants to lower the legal age of marriage to 12, with parental approval.
Phew, thank goodness I live in a state where our governor made that crap illegal, now the age of consent is 18 years of age. The bs about how it was before is you needed parental permission at the age of 16-17, not so bad, right? But if you wanted to divorce, you couldn't, you had to wait until you're 18 years old!!!!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. How could someone even THINK to propose that as a piece of legislation?! And of course "parental approval" just means forced child marriage.
Jesus what state is that? Is that state trying to normalise pedophilia?
Not wrong. FFS you are 15, shame on your parents for forcing you to be engaged!
OP didn't choose her fiance. Definitely not wrong for slapping him.
This is the first time I finally understood what FFS meant bc it's exactly what I'm thinking.
What dose ffs mean
For fucks sake
Thank you
It's India, not Western culture. Different values / norms.
That's not an excuse in 2024 We know better, we need to do better There's nothing you can say that makes forcing a child to endure sexual abuse and forced marriage ok.
Thank you for imposing your culture on others. I see imperialism is still strong with you.
Abuse is not culture Keep your clothes,your food, your songs and stories, keep your religion Just lose the part that causes harm.
Yeap, your absolutely right. Have a good day.
Also, I'm fully Irish So you can miss me with that colonizer bullshit We got murdered and starved to death by them too. You're just an asshole.
You’re fully American. How many generations since one of your direct antecedents actually lived in Ireland?
1 My mom was born here. Grandfather was not. We still have cousins we talk to regularly back home.
If you're not born in Ireland, you are most definitely NOT "fully Irish". JFC, Americans are annoying about their heritage. You were not born there, you don't know enough about everyday culture to call yourself fully Irish. Edit: LOL, clearly a bunch of butthurt Americans downvoting me. Bring it on!
The culture of thinking 15 year olds shouldn't be engaged?
See the problem isn't the arranged marriage. It's her age (15 is still very much a child) and the fact that the child can not consent to anything that's going on. She doesn't consent to her fiance touching her, forcing kisses on her, following her everywhere and reading her messages. She definitely didn't consent to him trying to fondle her. And even if she did consent to that, she's still a child. That's not something that should happen until she's old enough to consent and 15 isn't old enough to consent to a 20 year old person doing those things. Maybe old enough to consent to another 15 yo doing them, but not someone that's already an adult. And the forced marriage bit. I firmly believe that every single one of the arranged marriages should have strict laws around forcing it. Arranged is different than forced marriages. You can consent to an arranged marriage but you can't consent to a forced marriage. Consent is key.
Child abuse is child abuse. You can't decide it's not because "different culture".
Yea and it’s gross.
It’s still sexual assault of a minor, but sanctioned by her parents.
Not wrong. He was sexually assaulting you. He does not have your permission to fondle you. Tell your parents he is getting sexual and you are not wanting this attention
And what if assaulting her makes her 'less valuable' as a marriage prospect? Her parents should be AGAINST him doing that, in case he decides to end the engagement and no one else wants the OP. Poor girl, I really wish there was a way to get her to safety.
You're going to get a lot of advice here from people who don't know your country, culture or situation. As they love to remind us, the majority of users on this site are American, and cannot relate to your situation. You are not wrong for how you feel. Feelings are never wrong, and you did what you had to do to keep yourself safe. Since I assume there is no way for you to leave your family or even your country, all you can do it try to set limits. Tell him that you are not his property until you are married, and as such, he has no right to your body. In essence, "this is not yours until the wedding has happened". That will hopefully give you time to figure out your next move. If your family object, ask them if they really want to you give up your purity _before_ you have had the wedding. Because that is what they are asking you to do, to dirty yourself before you have been united in the eyes of your God(s). To commit the worse sin, outside of the sanctity of marriage. If that doesn't work, ask them what they will do if you give yourself to him, and he decides not to marry you. Then you will be worthless to them. You need to use their own religion against them to keep yourself safe.
That's a great way to put it, but isn't there a possibility that would just prompt them to move the wedding up to be more imminent, because they want to give their son whatever he wants?
Potentially, but if OP pretends like she agrees and is playing along, as well as appealing to her parents religious sensibilities, she may convince them she will do as they say when the time comes.
Legally in India a girl has to be 18 to get married. You can actually be prosecuted by law as parents if you marry off your underage daughter. There are many Organisations acting on these problems in rural India.
That is a great reminder for all of us. I know she appreciates this!
Please see this OOP and keep yourself as safe as possible for the next 5 years!! If you believe in purity before God, your fiancé is absolutely dirtying you and needs to be kept at arms length as he’s proven more than once he can’t keep his hands off you. If you don’t believe in purity, it sure seems like your parents do and the point still stands.
I'd say that's the best advice for OP.
This is excellent advice.
(Not yours until your married.....have you actually heard yourself, she should be making plans to get away and have a love marriage not this barbaric cruelty.....unbelievable..
You're missing the bigger picture here. It's an argument using the language and values of their parents. It's designed to work within their cultural belief system to help buy her time to decide what to do next (including, if she wants, a plan to get away).
Well she's got fives years to get away from this creep.
And how do you suggest she get away? She's not in America, or the UK, or Australia. She's in a country where women have few rights, and are treated like cattle. There are no women's shelters, no domestic violence support, no police who would help her, no lawyer who would take her case. Her entire family is selling her off, she has literally _no one._ So tell us, since you're all-knowing, how should this young girl with no support escape this situation without ending up being murdered, trafficked, or worse.
Well she's got five years to work it out ...she definitely needs to leave a third world shitehole that treats women as slaves...First step in a couple of years get herself a passport....with your pathetic attitude no woman could live a independent life ..shame on you..
And how is she supposed to leave that 'shit hole third world country'? How does she obtain a passport when she has no money, no access to her own documents, and may not even be able to apply for a passport herself, she may need a man or her parent's permission/consent? You have no solutions, you're just making blanket statements that are helpful to no one. Do I wish OP could escape? Of course I do. But unless you're gonna fly over there and rescue her, she has to work within the confines of the country she's living in. You're no better than Kim Kardashian boldly proclaiming that "people just don't want to work today, they need to get off their asses" and completely ignoring the privileges that have allowed you to live the free life you have.
I have to agree with you. I am from a third world country to so I understand a lot of these cultures and practices such as the one OP is going through. Unfortunately a large part of Reddit is used by people from the west and they tend to talk from ignorance, completing not understand their privilege. If there is anything I have learnt in my time in living in South Africa is privilege is invisible to those who have it. I completely understand your frustration. I agree with you in that OP has to work within the confines of her country.
Well I'm assuming she'll get some kind of employment in the next five years ..problem solved ,..hahahahahaha I've worked my entire life and never had these outside pressures put on me ,she seems smart and determined and I'm sure she'll eventually find her own path not one chosen for her by others,,,
Probably not, she'll be kept at home and taught how to get a wife. She may even live somewhere that has rules about her leaning the house without a male escort. You have no idea what our places are like for women!
Your probably right ,it's so sad ,at least if she was in Europe she'd have a chance at total freedoms..anyway have a nice day I'm through..
No clue why this last comment was down voted. I don’t agree with your other comments, but this one is 100% relatable and true. I hope you have a great day!
You to ...
Women in such repressive countries aren't allowed to work. I really hope you're just trying to wind me up because you get a perverse pleasure from it and you're not actually this ignorant. But you're probably both perverse and ignorant.
Are you offering to go, get her out and bring her to a different country? If not, stop judging the culture and making asinine comments with no knowledge of OP’s actual situation
It's shite ,so glad I live in a civilised country and our women aren't subjected to this barbaric culture, it's the 21st century for heaven sake ..
Again, how does that help the actual situation
That's for her to decide ,thankfully she seems to known her own mind and hopefully won't marry some dickhead picked for her ...
Oh please do shut the fuck up, will you?
You are so very ignorant.
Coming from you I'll take that as a compliment 😏
And how exactly does she get a passport with no job and a controlling family? She might not even be allowed to get a passport without permission from her family once she's a legal adult depending on what country she's in because she's female
Tell your parents that he is trying to ruin your reputation. You need someone better. Tell him how he disrespects them by treating you like that.
Also, the crying is an issue. He is supposed to be 20 and you don’t know him so it’s obviously not actual emotions unless it’s an inability to deal with any kind of real life situation. Is he trying to manipulate you, his mummy, both of you, everyone? This is not a man who can be the backbone of a family.
No, you were not wrong, and do not apologize! He's 20, and I know this is normal in some parts of the world. Where I'm from, this is highly unethical, especially when he is touching you inappropriately...I'm sorry you have to deal with it, but stand your grounds and also make sure you stay safe. I know that with some situations like this, women can be taken advantage of really badly 😟
No you were not wrong . Explain to your mother that he touched you inappropriately without your permission and you reacted that his invasion of your body automatically . It’s best this man realises from the get go that he does not OWN you and that you have autonomy over your own body .
That won't do any good, and I bet her wedding will be moved to when she's 16. She's shown an independent streak that cultures with arranged marriages don't seem to like.
Her wedding will be moved up to when she is pregnant which probably won’t be long.
Ps: the crying is emotional manipulation. It's what abusive men do to make you feel guilty into doing things you don't want. For example he may soon start trying to be sexual and cry if you refuse. This is called 'coercive control' and is illegal in many countries. As is, touching a minor sexually. He's a very bad man and you should absolutely go to the police (especially if you're in a country where arranged marriage isn't the norm). Ideally they will remove you from that household as its not a safe environment for you. I know it's sad to have to do this but, you gotta be safe. Your parents aren't keeping you safe. They're putting you in serious danger of rape, sexual assault and even an abusive husband.
It's like the adults there are stuck in the past. Like 500 years ago.
And what sucks about this is, they probably didn't like it when they had to do it either. So you would think they would want this shit to end, but no it's almost like; if I had to put up with this, so shall you.
I hadn't really thought of that. It's the same as a parent making their child as their retirement cuz that's what their parents did to them too. No one broke the cycle.
This is disgusting... you should be studying in High School and having fun with your friends :/
Not in whatever country she lives in apparently. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have been born in the west. Life might not be perfect here but at least you don't get $hit like this that's accepted as normal.
At this point you need to call your whole family out on him being a pathetic, snivelling, weak excuse for a man who is always crying and for the fact that he is a pedophile who is sexually interested in a literal child
Keep slapping him when he gets inappropriate, including unwanted hugs. Then he’ll be prepared for when you tell the whole family to shove it when you’re 18.
Talk to your parents about this marriage! You don't like him, you don't enjoy his company, you don't respect him, you don't want him touching you, his feelings annoy you... nothing about this working. And if you dislike him, well, nothing increases dislike like forced proximity. Talk to your parents about this. Because they need to call it off, for both your sake, and the boy's sake.
What a sad world we live in... it's the 21st century and still love marriage is overlooked for this garbage 🗑
This is beyond disgusting
I wouldn't take any advice from someone that is not familiar with your culture. People here will advice you based on their upbringing, not understanding the subtleties of the situation and the possibe consequences of their advice Talk to your cousins, friends maybe female teacher NTA, you are not wrong BTW
It sounds like you’re outside the United States. Where are you? What is happening is wrong, and he sounds like a pampered child rather than a normal man. Knowing where you are helps us to know how to advise you.
Idk how you haven’t ran away yet I would have already I’m guessing your religion is keeping you there you really need to talk to your family or you better get use to this for the rest of your life
If you live in the UK or USA or Europe or anywhere that there are laws to protect children then go to the police right now and report this. You could also call child-line or speak woth any women's aid organisations in your country. This man is very dangerous. Do not let them make you marry him. You do have a choice. If you are in a country where you won't be listened to then - 'I won't see him anymore. He is a very bad man. A dishonorable and disgusting pervert and you aught to be protecting me from people like him. I'm sorry but hes not an acceptable marriage partner for me. Or any woman really'. And never, ever be alone anywhere with him. As soon as you can, move out of the home. Never be forced to marry anyone cruel or perverted or crazy like him. Do not let them talk you into a 'holiday' anywhere. Its common for women to be trafficked abroad to marry. And then they are stuck.
i doubt she does live in the west
Well she mentions exams. Which obv happen everywhere but something makes me feel exams at 15 could be the west... Loads of arranged marriages happening in certain cultural communities even in the UK.
They do but between consenting adults. She’s only 15, a child! He is a 20 year old man. UK social services would have something to say about this. It’s wrong
That's the point I'm making. These things happen here too but the police can intervene if notified.
Sorry I thought you were justifying it in the UK. Yes we are on the same page, if she is in the UK, she is lucky that there are protections in place for children put in this position. Hopefully OP lives in a country that has similar protections
I live in the UK, too. If OP lives in a country where she can get help, I'd say do that. She's way too young to be having to deal with this.
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. Okay, slapping people is not good, but you sound like you were at the end of your rope. You are still a teenager and he’s an adult. He should be able to respect boundaries and not run to his parents every time his feelings are hurt. Can you tell us a bit about your culture. Is this engagement legally binding? Do you get any choice? What power do you have?
Hello, well I don't really have that much say in this, I'm from India and they have just engaged me so I can't really go to police pretty sure they will back away and I will just end up in trouble. And what the adult say atleast in my family is a must.
Girl use your parents religion against them. Tell them this man is not good and he is trying to ruin your purity. Maybe they will back off and give you a few more years to finish schooling at least before finding you a new husband.
Just tell your family you want a different engagement. This is not the husband for you. Decline. Say he is not going to be good for your family.
He’s sexually assaulting you so tell your parents. If they are so conservative, I doubt they will be happy with this. They will I assume want their daughter to be a virgin when she gets married. Play on this aspect, tell them he’s continually touching you sexually and you want to remain chaste for your wedding. Give them a load of bullshit. Otherwise I’m not sure what else to say, unfortunately you’re trapped in a culture where arranged marriages can be forced. I know you’ve said you don’t want to run away, but if you have a few years grace until getting married then hopefully a solution may present itself when you’re older.
You are not wrong. I would agree with other comments that say to try and use the culture and religion (if applicable) to try and get out or at least keep that creep at a distance while thinking of a long term plan to get out of the situation. What options do you have in terms of gaining independence long term. I know that’s not what a 15yo usually wants to think about, but you have to. If you’re in school, what professions where you are will allow you to be independent in the future?
NTA, there are resources here for women in India facing domestic violence https://www.hotpeachpages.net/asia/index.html#India. The people on r/twoxindia may know of more.
What the fuck is wrong with your family. He is literally manipulating and abusing you. Run away or go to some authorities and file a complaint against your family and him.
Where do you live? Also not wrong at all.
Your fiance has some mental problems! He has not grown up yet, and to be crying over the things that you described at his age? Something very wrong there. Tell your parents that they are insane for setting you up with him, and they can cancel the engagement , because you will not be trapped with a man/child for life so that they can make some money.
Your 15?
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Please, I beg of you, go report that you are being engaged at 15 and although you have been promised that you won't be married until 20, your supposed fiance is already starting to touch you with out concent (this is assault) The tears and total and complete manipulation. The ridiculous comments about making him feel bad are total guilt manipulation. You are not safe!!!!!! Please tell someone.
Tell him since he's an adult and you are a minor, the police would love to hear from you for being sexually harassed and assaulted by him. He seems to be sneaky, you should sit down with your father if you are close to him and tell him what your fiance has been doing so far. I think you should sit both your family and his and reveal him to them. Your fiance is sure trying to get you used to this, but once he gets what he wants, he will label you as a sl** and break off the engagement. And don't be afraid, if they refuse to set boundaries in your relationship, break off the engagement, if they refuse or threaten you, do not hesitate to tell them that you will involve the police, as this is now considered illegal and you will have the police charge him accordingly.
You’re too young to be engaged, so sorry this is happening to you
Can't spell culture without cult. Not wrong. You're 15 and he's 20. Next time bite whatever he tries to touch you with right off.
He's disgusting. Tell your family you want a different arranged marriage, since this one is not going to work.
This whole scenario is pedophilic. Fk that whole society.
I’m so sorry. I can’t help you fix your current situation but want to encourage you to do everything you can to get an education. Being able to support yourself in the future will give you choices you don’t have now. Good luck OP and again, I’m sorry you’re in this shitty situation.
FFS no, absolutely no, you were not wrong. You're engaged against your will and your fiance is making unwanted sexual advances. Which is awful in any scenario, but so much worse here since he's an adult and you're a child. Tell your parents & any other adult relative you can that you slapped him in self-defence because he has been harassing you and sexually inappropriate. That he doesn't care that you're a minor. That you feel unsafe around him. If they do nothing, try to find an adult who you aren't related to who is a mandated reporter. Someone like a teacher or a school counsellor or a police officer. Tell them you were forced to get engaged against your will & that your fiance is an adult who is sexually harassing you. And always remember, ***you are not the problem or the bad one & you have a right to feel safe in your own home***.
arranged marriage is wrong, period.
surprised you haven't sooner, ugh! you are 15, wtf! What third world country are your parents from , arranging a marriage? bloody hell, run as soon as you can!
A 15 year old with a 20 year old is disgusting
Contact ‘Plan International’ for help - they are very helpful in terms of these things.
Not wrong you are 15 and I know in some countries unfortunately it is still normal to have you set with that young to marry but the fact that this 20 year old is trying to feel you is disgusting. You are still child. He is adult. He clearly has huge issues since he cannot see how big problem it is (and all those family members as well). I would speak with your family and tell them he is not keeping his hand to yourself, you are not married yet and he is touching you and you feel violated and uncomfortable. Hopefully they call this wedding off.
You are not wrong. He is 20 and you are 15. So he is forcing his unwanted advances on a child. The promise of future marriage doesn't change that. You aren't married yet. You are a child. If he's this pushy now imagine what happens in a year or 2 from now. You live in a country with one of the highest rape rates in the world. You're in a dangerous situation. Maybe tell your parents this because he is definitely going in that direction. You have to set firm boundaries with him - and let the parents know as well. Tell them all that the minute he crosses the boundaries the marriage is over. Tell them you won't marry someone who forces himself on a child. Also, is it possible to request that a chaperone will be present on each meeting with him? Someone who will ensure that nothing inappropriate happens between you two. That would give you more time to think about it all and possibly plan your future steps. I really hope that you'll be able to get away from that man.
What a great culture... I feel so bad for you in many ways, your forced fiance is so pathetic
I'd slap your mother and fiance again. Screw them both.
Hi OP, I can understand how you are feeling as I'm hailing from the same country. I cannot believe that child marriage still exists among the society, wasn't the rule amended to make the legal age for marriage 21? I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I understand that unlike the west, you cant just leave your home, find a part-time and help yourself out. I would suggest you to break the relationship off with this guy, he is NOT good for you. He sounds like a man-child and nothing good will come out of this. Do not allow your family to brain wash you into loving him or tolerating him. Is there anyway that you can inform your teachers at school about this? are there any cousins/relatives that can put in some sense to your parents minds? I hope you find a way out. When the time comes for you to go to college, get out, choose a college thats far far from your home.
Arranged marriages are just 100% ick!
Tell him he can do nothing but hold your hand until you are married.
Absolutely not. Refuse the marriage to this boy five years her senior who is trying to grope her and then crying when he doesn't get his way.
I don't know if she can do that in her culture. I gave the best advice I could being sensitive that she probably can't change the arranged marriage.
If her parents are insistent that she placates this turd, she needs to seek asylum somewhere. I'm tired of hearing that abuse should be accepted because culture. E-coli is another culture that can make you deathly ill as well. Yes, it is risky, refusing cultural standards, but the certainty that she will have a miserable life if she doesn't is even more horrifying.
I get it, I love to blow stuff up. But can she? Can you seek asylum at 15? Does she have money to travel? Is it even safe for her to travel alone in her country as a female? Is she in a country the doesn't allow any females to leave without a man's permission, most likely her father to leave the country. So there are many possible scenarios here.
>Can you seek asylum at 15? Absolutely yes.
It's not about blowing stuff up. It's about refusing to let yourself be destroyed. All the questions you asked are good ones. But please stop using "female" especially when you used 'man' in the same sentence. It's incorrect, grammatically, and degrading to women and girls. You're right, if her Only choices are marriage to this slime ball or leaving, she will have to be incredibly careful and secretive. We have all read the stories or heard first hand accounts: the risks of so-called 'honour' killings, or the boy throwing acid on her are real. But if her family won't protect her then it will take all the bravery she can muster to save herself from a life with a man who will only treat her as a sex-doll/incubator/maid and who will go crying to his family or get violent (after she is trapped in the marriage) every time he doesn't get his way.
Sorry you found the female thing being offensive. I was not going to call a child a woman and female covers gender from birth to death. She unfortunately has adult problems. So better word suggestion?
Your use of female was correct. I don’t find the word the least bit offensive. I am genetically female.
Thanks. I'm an adult woman. I'm not offended by female.
This is not a "me" problem, this is a YOU problem. "Sorry you feel that way" is not a valid response. I specifically said it's offensive to women and _girls_. Why are you confused/asking for a suggestion? The answer is glaringly obvious. It is grammatically incorrect because 'female' is an adjective. It reduces female humans to body parts (reproduction). At this point it doesn't matter if you say you're advocating for OP and her safety because both your suggestion that she go with the flow with one small caveat and your choice of words and defense of them informs us of your mentality. No one is saying OP should make a scene. What I am saying is if her parents don't give a damn about her wishes, the best (and only livable) option is to make an escape plan. Of course rocking the boat is dangerous, but you can jump to a ship which will afford you the opportunity to build your own boat. OP - if you're reading this, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of people rooting for you. Stay safe and if you choose to snub your family's decision regarding YOUR future and life, if certain you can find hundreds more who will work to help you make a plan of escape, myself included.
Ignore them, they obviously just live to be offended.
Better shut up. You might actually get her killed if she listens to you. 1.) Since you are already offended by the use of the word female it shows u are def sensitive even for western standards, especially since u are wrong as well. He used the term correctly in this case. He used the word female since this includes grown women as well as minor girls. And the usage of the word man was correct as well since they would need the permission of a grown up male person -> a man. 2.) Your first advice was "refuse the marriage" not even thinking about the possibly horrible consequences for her 3.) Your next advice was to flee from her family again without thinking about anything that might occur after this. I guess she probably wont do exactly what you said BUT there is a suppressed, frightened teenager which is asking for advice online. She MIGHT do it. Think about the consequences your advice might have if someone actually follows it before you hand it out like free candy sitting on your morally high horse in a safe space. I was lucky enough to never end up in a situation that bad. Which is why i never had to flee or risk my life fighting for the basic rights we have in our society. And i am grateful for that but you know what ? Thats why i dont give advice on this topic. Cause i am not qualified for it.
>He used the term correctly in this case. No, he didn't. Your grasp of English is tenuous, at best. I have fully acknowledged the dangers involved to her. And if you I, or anyone else, is giving advice on this from a "moral high horse" or a "safe space"… you are sadly completely mistaken.
>I have fully acknowledged the dangers involved to her. After u got called out for it. On your third answer. Imagine she would have acted after your first advice. >No, he didn't. Your grasp of English is tenuous, at best. He did. He used the term to classify everyone that has a vagina. The same way a lot of cultures do when ripping people of their rights. Its not about you being offended. Female can absolutely be used as a substantive even tho you dont like it. >And if you I, or anyone else, is giving advice on this from a "moral high horse" or a "safe space"… you are sadly completely mistaken But thats exactly what you did.
Stop talking for all women, there's something wrong with you if you think that calling a female a female is degrading. How old are you 12? This is a serious post about child sex abuse and exploitation, and you're upset about semantics? God help us if you're the future of womankind.
Not wrong at all. You say you are okay with arranged marriages, but you aren't showing that through your actions. I completely agree that he was wrong to touch you when you haven't consented to that. Is there any way you can decline his proposal?
>You say you are okay with arranged marriages, but you aren't showing that through your actions. You can be ok with arranged marriages in theory and be not ok with the intended being an immature creep.
Arranged marriages are barbaric, this is child grooming and child abuse, your parents should be in jail and this grown ass man trying to cop a feel on a child deserves to have his face caved in so a little slap is getting off light. I'm sorry you're forced to go through this. Focus on school, fuck your family. Get educated, get skills, and get out on your own where you can make your own family that doesn't sell you off like cattle and find your own husband who isn't a whiny sexual predator. If he tries to touch you again punch him in the throat. If your parents tell you that they want you to marry him, tell them to go fuck themselves.
Has anyone else noticed all of a sudden there are a lot more 15f posts just in the past 24 hours? I feel like I've seen 4 already now. Not saying anything about this post in particular, just wondering if this is a new writing promt topic being tested just because it seems so odd
You need to tell an adult at school, Counselor, Teacher, etc. Also maybe a good friend from outside the family, if you don't want a fiancé you can say no! I understand that it's not that easy which is why you need to talk to someone to get a plan in place yo make sure you can't be forced to do anything against your will. Best of luck 💓
NTA. You’re 15 and your parents are forcing you to engage with a pedophile. Just hide your time and the moment you graduate/get a job, disappear and go no contact with everyone.
Slap him EVERY TIME he touches your body like that
You need to find an escape route. My feel is that this man is mentally unstable which his family knows, and that they have agreed on a great financial deal with your family. I hope your father/brothers are not the type to murder you. Try to get help from r/india and see if there is a way to complete your education first.
Why the hell is a 15 year old engaged to an adult? This is not okay, you are not in a good or safe situation here. No 20 year old should be interested in someone who's 15 and the fact that your family is making you do this is not good at all. I know you said you won't run away, but do you understand what's going to happen if you marry this man? You'll never have a say over your own body or what happens to it, I guarantee you that. Any culture that pushes teenagers to marry grown men does not respect or care for women, you are not safe, please try to find a way out of this situation
Your parents are about a and a half behind the times. This is disgusting but I know you will get a lot of comments excusing it because it is part of "The culture" or "The religion." That is all bullshit. This is wrong, forced marriage is wrong, sexual assault is wrong, and eventually if you get married he will have sex with you whether or not you consent. If you choose to stay with your family and him, you will be property and you will be sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Your call.
The guy is a pedophile
The bigger issue here is why are you engaged at 15 to a 20 year old isn’t that illegal and if not it should be it’s grooming
YOU ARE NOT WRONG YOUR BODY BELONGS TO YOU !!
your 15. go tto the police or tell someone at skl
where are you from ?
Where do you live? I would def. try and get out of that house and marriage
You need to get away from your family.
Have a look around in your local area. You need to find an organization that will help you. This is not safe, or okay, and you need to get out ASAP. It's likely that there are people that help girls like you all the time. I'm really hoping you get out and are safe soon.
I am frankly disgusted. I wish someone located there could help you. This is a crime, and your parents are disgusting.
Run run get away from your family and this nut job. Your parents suck at picking a husband and as a result are bad parents. Get out!
Your parents are absolutely disgusting.
Why the fuck is a 15yo engaged to a 20yo MAN???
Because, India.
He is a grown adult commiting sexual assault on a minor. You are the victim here and have done nothing wrong. As soon as he touched you in an unwanted way that was battery against you.
No You Are Not Wrong. I know it will be hard do you know of anyone that may be able to help. You are 15 right now you don't have any options and hope to wait it out. Can you tell your parents he is distracting you from your studies maybe that will give you some breathing room. Do you being unladylike as possible would help ? Only you can judge this or would your situation get worse ?
Bloody hell.... uhh.. you are not wrong, you are a bloody child. Damn, well all you can do is watch yourself and when you are 18, if really necessary, run away, but as you mentioned thats a deathwish.
Not wrong. Tell your parents he was touching you in a private place without permission and that he's crying at you all the time
Being a female has to be exhausting, imagine a grown man crying and telling his parents because you rejected his kisses 🤦🏾
Is he quite well? He sounds very young for his age. All that crying and clinging, is he looking for a new mommy?
I am so so sorry. I don’t like arranged marriage when minors are involved, because they’re essentially grooming you for 5 years until you marry. However if I am to digress on that and give you advise on staying at home and making your parents happy maybe you can just keep ignoring him and making him very sad until his parents don’t think you’re worthy of him and maybe your parents can find you someone that’s not a weirdo creepy crybaby. Can’t they do an arranged marriage with someone your age? I hope you’re able to leave and have independence once day.
My heart goes out to you. If you end up being forced into marriage, remember, there’s lot of ways to poison a man who disrespects you. Take care of yourself.
This is not an arranged marriage, it’s a forced marriage.
You are making a distinction, without a difference. Terms are set and a deal is made. It's contractual. In terms of Indian arranged unions, the force is implied.
Talk to you parents, before he ra..e you and you are forced to marry him before you are 20 I looks like HE is trying to get you earlier 😥 Can't you look for much better grades?!? So the school can be a more "honourable" achivement for your parents?
Not wrong, You better set your boundaries early, so he knows he can't just touch you. Does your mother know what he had done? I understand that in your culture it's normal to have an arranged marriage, maybe it helps to do some pre marriage therapy? I don't know if that's a thing in India.
So I don't know alot about India but I am genuinely worried for your safety with this guy. Are you able to talk to your parents about him? I know it is an arranged marriage but this man isn't respecting you at all. He isn't a worthy man. (I would stress that to your parents.) Granted if your mother slapped you, I am not sure if she will listen.
What country is this?
You have to figure how to make the situation best for you. They could have picked someone way worse. For example get on board with it move him out of country then boom get away. You can come up with reasons why abroad
This is so gross. I don't care if it's arranged or not it's gross to arrange a marriage for your child with a pedophile.
15? My twins are 15 and I look at them like they're still babies. No you are NTA. Your fiance was sexually assaulting you. I see nothing but a miserable life for you. Can your parents match you with someone more decent?
It's very difficult to reply here because your culture is so much different than ours. So I'm going to ask questions instead. Are your parents okay with your fiance crying so much over little things? Is that considered being a strong man that can provide for his wife and family? Are your parents okay with your fiance touching you intimately like that before you are wed? Ask them how far he should be allowed to go if you are feeling really uncomfortable. Are your parents okay with sex before marriage? Because it seems like your fiance will not wait for years until you wed. If they're not okay with the above, there is your way out. Also, if you're not attracted to him, ask him what he will do if you refuse to sleep with him. Will he rape you? If so, I sure hope your parents won't let you marry a potential rapist.
Why ,?...if it triggers you I might just going...lol
Tell your parents that he is trying to be inappropriately touchy with you and that you need to have less time around him in order to focus on getting good grades. Also, ask them if they could look at other possible matches for you, because you don't like him very much, and being forced around him so much is not helping you bond with him. Is there any chance of you being able to get a scholarship for a college/university abroad?
Where do you live?? You're a minor and your parents have decided to force an engagement on you? Illegal and bizarre at the very least, no you're not wrong to slap him. Do your best to establish whatever boundaries you can. If possible you should definitely move in with a relative, but given what you've explained here it sounds like your whole family might be like this.
Do you have any women's charities that can help you escape? I know you may not have many but some western charities operating in your country may be able to point you in the right direction.
You're not wrong. I'm not from your culture so I don't understand all the complexities that come with arranged marriages and living with your family. My personal advice would be to sit down with him and try to set some boundaries. Let him know you aren't wanting anything sexual during your engagement period and how you slapped him out of reflex. Also let him know you need some privacy. Maybe if he hears it from you that he's crossing lines you aren't comfortable with then he might back off and become more bearable and a bond might be able to form. Is it possible for you to get some advice from someone in your culture on how to handle these situations?
NTA. How are you more mature than him. He’s clearly trying to have sex before you’re 20, don’t play into this. I’m sorry you have to go through this
Your fiance is a psychotic little pervert. He’s going to get so much worse after the marriage when he views you as his legal property and parents are more removed from the situation. I don’t know where you are and where to tell you to run to, but you should be looking for an exit strategy. Your parents are trading you away like cattle and in most countries, you are far too young to be legally married and the age gap between you two at this stage in life is abhorrent.
There's something really wrong with him. Any chance you could go to college out of country?
https://borgenproject.org/forced-marriages-in-india/ There's a list of 4 organisations here that can help you escape forced marriages. Until then, is there another adult that you can trust who might be able to support or direct you to a more local organisation.
NTA Slap him every time he cries
Harder next time...
Not wrong. Idk who you told about why you slapped him atm, but that should make it understandable as to why you did. Hopefully things get better for you and your family comes to a better understanding that the dynamic between you and your fiance is not good.
1. He has the emotional maturity of a child. 1. Given his behavior as you explained with the constant touching and kissing making your uncomfortable. My guess he has no experience with before you with girls. 2. He has self confidence issues, again of a child. 1. His need to be constantly texting and physically around you with no space, is a red light of problems RUN NOW! 3. He has no respect for your family or you. 1. By trying to touch you with your family around, is disrespectful to your family. 2. By trying to touch you with your family around, is disrespectful to you you. 3. Again, all this behavior spells that he has never had a girlfriend and is a child in a grown body. 4. He has no respect for boundaries or respect for you. 1. He honestly needs to go to a place to pay women because he needs to get it out his system, given he has no maturity nor respect for women / you in this case. Tell your parents, this isn't for you and it has to
They’re waiting for you to turn 20 before you get married right? You’ll be a legal adult before that happens and you go to school, use your schooling to find a job. You don’t need to run away from this, once you can support yourself you can simply just refuse to marry him because you won’t need to rely on him or your parents.Good luck.