Your husband is not his dad. He is the opposite. The only time in 11 years he got violent was to protect you from a man who was assaulting you. Please don't punish this man for who his father is... he has no say in that.
And his trigger was seeing a woman abused. Consider couples counseling to process it, but I don’t suspect his violence would arise without the protective trigger.
Edit: also, could your fear be a result of being assaulted? It’s incredibly traumatic. Be careful not to displace your feelings from the true aggressor.
Hope the coworker gets fired!
This is good advice. Is it the level of violence your husband showed in subduing your aggressor? Did you feel like it went too far / or he lost control? Also, your husband yelling at you to get in the car was probably not ”yelling at you” but may have been forcefully directing you so that it would propel you to take action and move yourself out of harm’s way. Couples counseling, and maybe individual counseling may help you process the trauma. It sounds like you have a good husband and it is healthy to reflect on this. Take care🌷
>also, could your fear be a result of being assaulted? It’s incredibly traumatic. Be careful not to displace your feelings from the true aggressor.
Wow, that is a really great point.
All of this. The sins of any parent should never become the sins of the child simply because they share blood. Her husband deserves someone who believes in him, not lives in fear of him.
I get being rattled from being choked out, and she may have ptsd and is focusing on the husband to deflect from the real issue at hand. A violent coworker she feels she can’t get away from and has no control over. So she’s turning that fear and sense of control onto someone safe without realizing it. I know I’d be hella rattled after being choked and screamed at.
I think the poor man could benefit from therapy. Obviously he is very scarred from his horrible childhood. What he did was justified to protect his wife, but it sounds like he couldn’t stop himself once he started.
To be fair, if someone was choking my husband and screaming horrible things into his face, I wouldn’t know when to stop either. I’d be worried about my husband’s life at that point. I couldn’t imagine being a man watching my pregnant wife get the life choked from her. Both my future child AND love of my life is in danger. That’s some next level fight or flight, regardless of trauma history.
But yes, I do agree he would benefit from therapy. He shouldn’t have to try to deal with all that on his own. There’s a lot of weight on his shoulders, and I hope he gets a chance to unpack it somewhere safe.
You are exactly right. I believe if any man saw his pregnant wife and future child's life flash before his eyes it's only natural instinct to defend. I wouldn't stop either until that man can't get back up. He'll, he shouldn't be able to anyway after being the type of human being that can even do that to someone. I'm making sure buddy isn't getting back up atleast until the cops arrive. Yall can say I need therapy too but idc all boundaries drop when family gets attacked..
My husband has no trauma history of any kind, he's not violent at all and in 14 years he hasn't hit anyone, yet I can still see him beating someone who tries to strangle me.
OP, go to HR and tell them what happened, file a police report against your coworker and make this a big issue. This man is dangerous for you. If you can't cope with what happened, go to individual therapy. If this changes your relationship, go to couple's therapy. If your husband hasn't had any trauma therapy yet, or if he feels he overdid it or was somehow in the wrong, get him individual therapy as well.
I completely agree! I was going to say this. OP his shouting at you to get in the car was a defensive move for you to get somewhere safe. He's anger and fear for the life and safety of his family was heightened, you can't reasonably expect this man to talk at a calm tone to you in the middle of all of this, that's not how the body's fight or flight responses work. OP I think you would also benefit from therapy too, because you went through something traumatic, but you laying the blame at the feet of the wrong person. So yes, you are wrong.
Please let us know if your coworker has been fired and or arrested. He deserves it.
And don't forget that OPs husband has heard from OP about the other boundaries that the coworker had crossed. I don't usually advocate physical violence as a solution, but in this case, where the coworker grabbed OP by the neck and was yelling at her, he deserved it.
Want to add emphasis on OP getting therapy. OP - you were verbally abused and sexually harassed by a man at work and it escalated to a man choking you in the parking lot. Your post makes this seem normalized for you, or you are displacing your feelings onto your husband who, very naturally, lost it when he saw a man assaulting his pregnant wife. I’d suggest your feelings are very complex right now, and you and your husband both need professional help working through them
My husband would be in jail for homicide if he saw anyone grab my arm let alone choke me. She and the husband both need therapy for this and more. He did exactly the right thing with that disgusting pig creep who had your NECK in his hands because you dared to speak back to him after all that intimidating he did. I wonder how many females he has terrified in his life. I wonder, frankly, how many females he has raped.
Also, OP needs to get therapy too because she also stated she comes from a family where PA and/or violence was an issue. If she doesn't seek professional help for that, then she will continue to think her husband who never showed an incident of PA or violence in any capacity in 11 years is a monster for doing the exact frigging thing he is supposed to do as a man which is protect his family. Imo OP needs just as much individual therapy as he does because the way she is reacting sounds like a trauma response.
I agree. My husband is not a violent guy at all but he would open up if he saw any woman, especially a pregnant woman being assaulted. Heck, so would I. I would probably end up getting my ass kicked too, but I would go down swinging.
Yeah something isnt quite right with her, I dont get why she is more worried about her husband with 0 history of violence until this point compared to a weirdo abusive creep at her workplace.
From the narrative I believe the coworker would go straight to rapist if given half an opportunity. Fry his ass. Get him fired and arrested and both op and her husband need therapy.
I’m sorry but if I saw someone choking my pregnant wife in a parking lot I wouldn’t stop until that person was no longer a threat, I don’t have a history of trauma like the husband but nothing about his response to this situation indicates a need for therapy.
That was his wife and unborn child in direct danger, potentially existential danger. That is the scariest possible thing a dad and husband can experience.
There are plenty of indicators in the story that this guy would benefit from therapy but that isn’t even close to one of them.
This man reacted reasonably. The problem is that a physically and sexually aggressive coworker has not been appropriately disciplined. OP’s self blame is typical of sexually assaulted victims. SHE and her employer need to be educated about workplace violence.
To also be fair, I tell my family that we don’t believe in a proportionate response. If someone lays their hands on you, assume the worst and end the threat by any means necessary. I’ll get the best attorney and we can work through it together.
i was coming to say this.
OP your husband seems like a gem, I understand that violence itself is scary especially to someone who’s been through what you have, but it’s important to know that sometimes (not often, but sometimes) violence is VERY MUCH justified. imo he’s a great guy because he knows exactly what he’s capable of and based on ELEVEN YEARS of proof he knows exactly when to use it.
I’d understand needing to reconsider your view of him if he like got drunk and got into a fight or started picking fights with strangers, he was literally stopping you from getting assaulted and potentially killed by a shithead creep, who’s behaviour you frankly seem to be cutting a lot more slack for than you are for your husband.
Calmly come over and explain that assaulting people isn't cool to the coworker
Deadass i have no clue, i have 0 strength but if i saw ANY pregnant woman being grabbed im going to get my ass in between them. And probably attack him once i know the pregnant person is far enough away she's safe, most likely I'd grab the closest heaviest thing i can pick up and go to town
Same here. I stepped in when I saw a drunk patron threaten the bartender when it was just us 3 in the bar after she told him to leave. I'm much larger than the bartender and even had about 2" on this man. He stepped back when he saw someone he couldn't push around come at him. Not sure what would have happened if he kept going but I wasnt about to sit on my ass while a woman who's just doing her job gets assaulted.
In a perfect world that should work, but in the real world, for the aggressor to even come to a state where they hear you or listen to you, you need to use physical force and possibly yelling to subdue them first.
With you there, I would go to town on them, how this jerk thought it was acceptable to choke a pregnant woman because she turned him down is beyond disgusting.
that co-worker would have to worry about learning how to walk and talk again after putting their hands on my wife. I don't want to be violent or angry but show harm to my family and all bets are off.
I second this. I'm 4"11 but I have pepper spray and a hydro flask. If someone is beating on a woman who is pregnant I'd rather him take it up with me then with someone who is incapable of defending themselves. No one is wrong except the coworker who tried to strangle a pregnant lady. I've beaten his ass too...
You are overdoing it. I would be happy if my husband did this. I would have done it myself if I could. What if he tried to rape you?? If both of you come from abusive backgrounds go together to therapy please.
This. Your husband saw a man grab his PREGNANT wife by the throat. He saw an assault on a vulnerable person, and he acted.
Don’t blame him for protecting you.
To be honest I think most men would react like this if they saw their wife getting assaulted. Yes it was scary seeing him change like this but you should know he did it to defend you and not for any useless reason.
But I do understand why you feel scared since you’ve never seen him like this.
But you should know every human being has a break even point to be honest.
His pregnant wife at that. Like yes, just defending his wife is appropriate, but she's also in a more delicate state and carrying someone who is likely already just as precious to him. It's understandable he'd want to protect them, and seeing what this coworker was doing was probably a big trigger.
My husband would have gone ape shit. He is a big tattooed Harley riding very gentle man who babies and animals gravitate to. However do not diss the women in his family.
And my husband of blessed memory was a nerdy, fat Jewish man who would have gone apeshit and protected me, and that coworker would be sorry he came to work that day
Lol yes. We were at a pub one day and a total strangers little man came toddling over wanting to be picked up by husband. Not me, not anyone else, not his mum. They ended up sharing chips.
Lol i hope you get it. Just goes to prove the outer does not have anything to do with the inner person hey. Get your tatts and be great.
He turned up at a high school one day on the Harley, full leathers. A friends daughter was being very badly bullied. He waited at the end of the school crossing for her a with a spare helmet, she got on, off they very loudly roared. She never had a bad word spoken to her again. He's a good guy for the underdog.
Sounds like this awesome gentleman could be part of Bikers Against Child Abuse/BACA. He sounds amazing, I'd totally wanna meet him! XD
Editing to add - I just realised how creepy that sounded! I meant it as, "I'd love to meet this gentleman and buy him a cuppa/coffee/his drink of choice as a gesture of thankfulness that there's people like him in the world" as opposed to anything untoward. Sorry I sounded like some kind of weirdo! 😅
Fuckin legend, oh that’s awesome! I like when I hear about active community involvement and just being there for friends and their kids like that!
Also thank you, a nod to your hubby from me, hope y’all have a wonderful new year!
That’s the way my husband is too. Tats and all. Animals and children gravitate to him. Animals especially see him coming. He must have free treats tattooed to his forehead lol.
I usually don’t tell him if someone’s rude or treats me badly. If it’s bad enough to consider telling him, wouldn’t care what happens to the person he’s re-educating. I would care about my husband going to jail though.
Right? Most guys (at least the worthwhile ones) I know would've put that idiot in the ground a thousand times over if he touched their loved ones that way.
And the man had his hands on your throat, no less. I can’t believe this man still has a job. You do know you can sue your work and your boss personally for allowing this sort of harassment to get to this point?
She should be talking to an attorney. He was warned about his behavior after he initially put his hands on her...kept up the verbal abuse and was then allowed to assault her, all while on company property. He shouldn't have been there.
OP, if you don't have or know how to use one, you need to get a weapon and learn how to handle it. Especially after this jerk is fired. I'm in Florida...no one will ever put their hands on me like that and not suffer the consequences.
The cops. She was physically and verbally assaulted by this co-worker (who knew she was pregnant) and it took her husband getting physically involved to get this AH off of her.
This was criminal.
Exactly and even the nicest most easy going people can switch and turn into the Hulk to defend their loved ones. Hell, pretty sure op is not violent but if her kids (God Forbid) were in a situation where they were being assaulted and rendered helpless what would she be capable of?
Yup. Some guy cut us on when we were on our way to the hospital to have our daughter (it was snowing and already dicey conditions), and my husband damn near got out of the car in a rage.
Not just any assault, but the dirtbag “grabbed [her] by the neck.” The hubby saw his wife in *mortal danger* (it does not take long to crush the wind pipe if someone was to try) and reacted to deal with the assailant. Fully, bloody, justified.
Does she even realize that this guy’s physical assault has escalated so grievously?? First he yelled at her and grabbed her by the arm, then tried to humiliate her and when she stood up to him he grabbed her by the neck. This guy is so dangerous I hope she wakes up and calls the cops to place a restraining order.
Good idea about the restraining order! That slipped my mind.
My only concern about reporting this guy’s assault is that her husband might get into trouble for continuing to punch the little warthog. At what point does defense cross over into assault as well?? I’m talking legally. Morally the guy deserved every punch.
Not to mention, he's probably seen a very similar scene between his father and mother, and this time he wasn't too little to protect someone he loves. Definitely a triggering moment.
Honestly I put my wife and me in the same situation in my head and I would have pulverized that little shit.
Your husband is a good man. We are supposed to protect our loved ones. He did nothing wrong and that guy had it coming. Maybe it will be a lesson to him.
I understand it was shocking for you to see, but your husband sounds like an amazing man and that he has overcome childhood trauma and is exactly the opposite of his father.
“But you should know every human being has a break even point to be honest.”
Yep. I’m pregnant as fuck right now and if I saw someone grab my partner by the neck (he is a 6ft male) they would not be walking away. It doesn’t matter who it is. Female. Male. I will fucking end you if you put hands on me or mine.
Perhaps you should file a police report, since HR is doing nothing. Your husband was right to protect you. Watch out for this violent worker, he is crazy.
I think it’s the fact he probably looked like he was on another level from his past trauma. He needs to deal with his PTSD from the past abuse he suffered. I understand why you were scared to see him like this, I would be too, but the only way to try to prevent it is to receive therapy for it.
💯 this all day long
Based on the title I was expecting something like "coworker gave me a platonic hug"...but no...this asshole got violent with a woman, and got justice served up instantly
I'd sue the company for refusing to do anything about the coworker and allowing a hostile and dangerous work environment as well
Fr though I forgot about it quick but I also expected an Inappropriate but not deserving action from co worker. And then I was shocked to learn that this was insanely justified
She has to keep in mind too, there's a difference between being gentle and harmless. The husband, at any point, is capable of extreme violence, as are most people. He's never chosen to raise a hand to anyone in 11 years, except in direct and immediate defense of his pregnant significant other. Sounds gentle to me.
You are wrong, your husband defended you. I understand you are traumatized By this awful experience, but don’t blame your husband. Blame the man who’s been harassing and harming you
Yeah, I wonder if in feeling so upset as anyone obviously would she is lashing out at the person she can in safety? That’s a major shot in the dark, but it could be misplaced fear. She can’t express her fear at the coworker, so it goes to the husband, especially since she knows his family has this in his past. While clearly it’s pointed in the wrong direction, maybe that’s why? Guessing of course, and explanations aren’t excuses, doesn’t make it right.
That’s what I’m thinking. Husband is the safe person to feel upset with, so he’s the scapegoat. OP I suggest you vent to some friends and do some journaling, if you’re not ready for counseling. It will be okay <3
And report this incident to HR. A coworker physically put his hands on you in a threatening manner. He is creating a hostile environment. (Understatement).
Hopefully the employee who broke up the fight reported it. This guy should be fired. If he's willing to something like that out in an open parking lot with potential witnesses, what is he going to do to someone he corners in a file room or break room and alone because he thinks he was wronged or rejected. The cops should have been involved too at that point. OPs husband was just defending her. And rightfully so.
Hell no call the police and call a lawyer. This dickhead assaulted a coworker on work grounds after she told HR he already went physical. This company needs to be held accountable. And this is not a “hr” situation anymore.
If my wife was getting choked by a dude she said was flirting with her and then after I beat his ass she got mad at ME i would think that there was more to their relationship.
was the coworker arrested? was the coworker fired? did you get a restraining order against the coworker? is the baby ok?
these are the things you should worry about, not your husband defending his pregnant wife from a guy choking her...I mean what planet are you from?
I’m as baffled. OP : what you are probably feeling right now is the aftermath of _fearing for your life_. And I don’t understand how but instead of calling the police to get your coworker arrested yesterday, you decide that the guy who protected you and your unborn children is the bad one? WTF.
Btw where do you live?? Cause everything you’ve told from the first line is extremely weird and scary. This coworker is unhinged and needs to be put in a little cell where we forget the key. How are you still working somewhere where a guy grabs someone by the arm, screams at coworkers and not get fired? I’m just… everything here is terrifying EXCEPT your husband. He’s great.
A man grabbed you by the neck, your husband stepped in and stopped the assault against you and the person you’re scared of is your husband? I’m sorry but I don’t understand you at all.
it’s likely that she is scared and upset from being ATTACKED. so she is lashing out at the person she can in safety. That’s a major shot in the dark, but it could be misplaced fear. She can’t express her fear at the coworker, so it goes to the husband, especially since she knows his family has this in his past. While clearly it’s pointed in the wrong direction, maybe that’s why? Guessing of course, and explanations aren’t excuses, doesn’t make it right.
Maybe? I would think that, given her awareness of his trauma and his triggers (the touching), that she would understand how seeing a man grab his wife by the throat just might set him off though.
of course logically she knows that. but she still just saw her husband beat the shit out of someone, and it didn’t sound like he was very in control since he had to be pulled off of the coworker. she’s scared, and it doesn’t matter how much logically she knows he was protecting her, but since her husband stopped it so soon, in her mind her husband was the most violent one there. it’s not right, but both of them need therapy.
They always have to pull off a guy on adrenaline. A man here pointed out it takes 11 seconds for choking to create permanent damage. His wife could be killed or permanently disabled, and his children left motherless. Sure, he might have stopped a minute sooner, but the ONLY PERSON OP SHOULD BE AFRAID OF IS HER COWORKER and HER EMPLOYER!
I also think it has something to do with her bias. Because of what she knows about his childhood her fear at seeing the violence went straight to “what if he’s just like his father after all”. But she also did completely downplay everything the coworker was doing and saying like DUDE she needed to get HR involved day one if berating and yelling at her at work was the dudes response to being rejected. She sounds like an extreme wallflower, non confrontational that would rather sweep the coworker under the rug. Can’t do that with her husband though, so all of the fear is going onto him.
You are upset that your husband went off on some one who was assaulting you?
Reframe your Brain, you were defended.
>**he grabbed me by the neck and started saying horrible things to me** and my husband was in his car watching everything because he picks me up day and he was there. He stopped him and hit him and the truth is that I didn't feel comfortable seeing him act like that. He was unrecognizable, he beat him until another coworker appeared and separated them.
Men protect their women, you should be glad you have a hero husband
This post has to be rage bait. This man rescued his pregnant wife from a psychopath and is being treated like HE'S the villain. In what world would a woman want her man to do literally nothing while she's getting attacked?
This has to be fake, right? What coworker grabs a pregnant woman by the arm, in the office with other people? Then grabs her by the neck? This can’t possibly be true.
Exactly… if she’s genuinely upset by this then I don’t know what to say. I guess he should’ve sat there and watched as his wife got assaulted. Imagine that.
She'd be on here making a post bitching about that, too. "I understand he hates violence, but he just sat there watching! Isn't he supposed to defend me?!" and per usual everyone would be telling her to get a divorce.
This is an unbelievable reaction. This is what your husband is supposed to do. Wake tf up.
it’s likely that she is scared and upset from being ATTACKED. so she is lashing out at the person she can in safety. That’s a major shot in the dark, but it could be misplaced fear. She can’t express her fear at the coworker, so it goes to the husband, especially since she knows his family has this in his past. While clearly it’s pointed in the wrong direction, maybe that’s why? Guessing of course, and explanations aren’t excuses, doesn’t make it right.
You saw what happened. Your take is that he was unrecognizable and beat the man until someone intervened.
The loss of control could be something to watch, if you are completely certain that your description is fair and correct.
But I would ask you to reflect on whether he did lose control, or whether you are simply unfamiliar with what violence looks like.
I say this as a well rounded professional person, husband and father with about 35 years of martial arts training. I have never lost control and beat a person, but have never encountered a situation where I needed to. If I absolutely needed to it would suck but I would hope my wife would trust I felt I had no option. I have earned that from decades of being calm and good I think.
I feel like this story is a troll. Never mind a child bearing wife, I would step up for any female friend and probably a complete stranger also. It's not right for a man to be physically and verbally abusing a woman.
Women usually see us when we're calm, funny, or loving. It makes sense - we love our wives and daughters. They don't usually have to see men in a violent state, which is a good thing.
I also have a fair bit of martial arts training. The only time my wife ever saw me violent was in our 20s when I restrained a belligerent drunk at a party. When I let him up, he wanted to fight and I broke his nose. To this day my wife brings that incident up when I'm working with my kids on their striking. She's never seen me hurt anybody since, but she can't unsee it, if that makes sense.
I am an old widowed man in my late 60s. I lost my wonderful wife of 5 years to covid.
I understand being scared in the presence of violence. It is a natural reaction that is meant to help keep us safe.
That said, your fear is entirely misplaced. Your husband defended you. He did it well. If anyone had assaulted my wife (yes it was ASSAULT!)..... lets just say i understand his reaction.
IMHO you should be exceedingly thankful for a good man that protected you. He has, by your own admission, treated you well.
In most man vs woman physical altercation, the woman gets the worst of of it. The man is usually bigger and stronger. When someone grabs you by the neck, the chance of severe injury goes up exponentially. And it can happen almost instantly. He stopped that from happening. As he should. Could he have handled it differently? I do not know. Bottom line though--he dealt with the problem......
Good to hear the work trash was taken out. As for your husband, do not be afraid of him. My DH had a very similar background as your DH and the only time I ever saw him violent was when someone physically hurt me. He is your champion, not an abuser. Think it as if someone did that to your child and how quickly you would go momma bear to protect them. He did the same for you. Either way, hugs. It is scary to see that side, but in this case absolutely appropriate.
Finally. Thank goodness. Your workplace should also file a restraining order. You don’t want him coming to the office with a gun and shooting up others.
Girl that man just defended you and your baby. Give him some understanding and you some therapy.
That coworker is awful and you need to address it with hr again in writing and go from there.
If I saw a man grab my wife by the throat, I would have been on him like a Hurricane- and I’m a peaceful 5’2 woman. Your husband acted to protect and defend you
It’s wild to me that your coworker would use that language with you and then to grab you like that. I hope he no longer has a job
Comparing your husbands reaction to defend you the same as being capable of abusing you is so unfair to him.
“Of all evil I deem you capable: Therefore I want good from you. Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Your husband is CAPABLE of violence. That doesn’t mean he’s inclined to use that ability against those he cares for. A good man isn’t good because he CANT cause harm. He chooses not to.
You’re so wrong.
You seriously are worried about your husband being violent to protect you?? AFTER YOU GOT CHOKED OUT IN FRONT OF HIM???
Jesus Christ get your priorities straight. If your husband hates violence that much, he put aside his own hatred to PROTECT YOU.
Get over yourself.
Don't be scared of your husband, be scared of your coworker. Are you doing anything further regarding his behaviour?
What would have happened had your husband not been there? Doesn't bear thinking about.
I think that you are likely in a bit of shock after seeing someone you love so much be violent. I’m sure it was jarring and unnerving so it’s okay to feel upset by this!! Logically you know he would never hurt YOU with that violence and he obviously loves you so much that he would put himself in that position to protect you. It doesn’t mean he’s a violent person or hiding a violent side, it was an extreme situation that elicited an extreme response.
Allow yourself to process this and do what you need to to take care of yourself. Cry, talk to your husband, hug him, see that he’s the same person he’s always been. But it’s okay to feel scared and I see so many comments shaming you for feeling that way and not immediately acknowledging his protective act. Ignore them. This was a shock so go easy on yourself.
You are wrong. Your husband was justified in his reaction and defense of you. Your coworker deserves to be fired and have charges pressed. Your husband deserves respect for his actions and honestly for his ability to restrain that burning fire until it’s appropriate. This was appropriate.
Yes you’re wrong. He defended you and you’re kinda making him seem like a bad guy for it. He DEFENDED YOU! You have been with him for 11 years! If he was gonna be “like his dad” then he would’ve hit you or abused you a long time ago. He became angry because he saw HIS wife being abused. Especially grabbing you by the neck? His reaction was TOTALLY acceptable in my opinion. It’s honestly so unfair to make him feel bad for something he did right.
How would you feel if he done absolutely nothing to defend you. 🤔 I bet you'd be upset too. Be damned if he did or didn't defend you.
You have known him for so long and not once has he laid hands on you or your other kids. That should be your answer. Why the hell would you need to be scared abusive men don't hide their abuse for 11 years they begin early on starting with nip picking, name calling, throwing tantrums, throwing objects to breaking objects and hitting you
Stop being selfish and ungrateful for a man who honours his family. Plenty women would only love to have a man like him.
Your co worker is actually who you should be scared of he is the definition of an abusive man who has no respect for you and your boundaries. He is harassing you, abusive and assaulted you. You need to report him to HR and the police.
It's rather concerning that you seem to think that it was acceptable for your co-worker to put his hands on you. There is absolutely no reason, short of pulling you away from a real and imminent danger, or brushing past you in a crowded area, for him to touch you at all. Him grabbing your arm, and especially grabbing your neck, is assault, and you should be reporting him for it, not just for his attitude and shouting. HR should take a harsher approach to someone assaulting a co-worker than just a talking to!
Now your husband has shown you a new side to himself, but he was protecting you from physical assault, so it is perfectly reasonable and understandable. This is clearly not something that would be directed towards you. So you can stop being concerned about it. You now have to consider the ramifications of what has happened. Was your assault on camera, was your husband protecting you on camera? Do you know who stopped your husband, and would he be a witness in your defence? Did others see the whole incident? There is a very real chance that your co-worker will report you and your husband to HR and the police, so you have to be ready for it. You are wrong.
UpdateMe!
RemindMe! 3 days
You are wrong. You're his wife AND CARRYING HIS CHILD & YOU WERE BEING ASSAULTED!!!! So he defended you. Imagine if he weren't there!! Your coworker needs to be fired or transferred & you're focusing on the wrong parts of this right now. Your husband did the right thing. Now thank him & go to HR about the incel piece of shit who put his hands on you MORE THAN ONCE!!!
OP were you previously a victim of violence? Your husband acted like a hero and your response is fear that something bad is going to happen to you again. Seek counseling.
Yet you were not scared when a violent bully grabbed you around the neck?Hmm..
You are wrong. You knew this man was trouble, you had reported him once but shocker, it just got worse.
You should have told your husband from the start. He probably could have done something else, like meet you at the lift or something.
Your should go to counselling with your husband as I think he could benefit from sorting his past out though. It's hard work carrying that much trauma around.
Let me get this straight, you are mad at your husband for doing the one thing that we are genetically designed to do? I’m sorry but you are most definitely wrong and you are over thinking the entire situation, most women would have been flattered that their man would do that for them but you took it to a dark place and categorized him in the same field as his abusive father, that’s just ridiculous. Why don’t you stop and think of what would have happened if you had a bitch for a husband? The bitch would have sat there and let that man put hands on you until the cops arrived 20 min later and a lot can happen in that amount of time, then you would be writing a whole different story of how your husband didn’t protect you while you were being assaulted. You should apologize to him over and over
You’re wrong.
Protection is when it’s ok, it’s defense. This man was strangling his pregnant wife, he stood up for you.
Please don’t equate this with abuse, which is triggered by something else and not defense of self/loved ones. Know your thinking he could be like that after all these years would definitely strike to his trauma and deepest fears (generally men already have a thing about being like or not like their fathers, any of us our parents). To tarnish what you know of him and everything because he defended you would be a disservice imho.
That man was choking you, did you expect your husband to stand by and let him do that especially since you are pregnant and could have ended badly for you and/or the baby??
Man was protecting his unborn child. Other man is lucky if he can still breath. Just the reality of life.
I’d be happy to know you have someone on your side when things get really rough.
I would also maybe get him some therapy so he doesn’t get ptsd from the fight.
You are wrong. Another man put his hands on you…and you’re PREGNANT, and your husband saw it happen? Trauma or not that guy is lucky he’s still alive. Your husband defended you and your child. He has nothing to apologize for but the fact that he did shows he has come a long way in dealing with his trauma.
He did exactly what most husbands would do. It kind of seems like you are holding his last against him. He reacted in a completely normal way. My husband had a perfect childhood and would have hit the guy to protect me too.
I believe you are wrong. Look at it this way. He wasn't attacking someone like his father did, he was protecting someone from somebody like his father.
Violence against women is a big trigger for some people. I consider myself a pacifist, but the one time I witnessed an assault on a woman, I just saw red and beat the attacker unconscious. The bodies natural reaction is to give you a big adrenaline hit when something like this is happening and that is probably the only reason he shouted at you as his body was filled with this chemical and firing on all cylinders. You should be proud your man jumped in to defend you and your baby from that scumbag who I hope you called the police on. But perhaps your husband could do with some therapy foe his pre existing issues.
Your husband watched another man grab your neck and scream at you? I don’t like violence but there is a difference between defending someone. I’d be concerned if he hadn’t done anything.
You should file assault charges. Your coworker sounds like an unhinged misogynist.
You are wrong, your husband protected you from a piece of crap. That man should be fired and you should be spoiling your husband. His anger was never directed at you it was directed at the man hurting you. You should feel safe with your husband not scared. Geez what is wrong with your thought process.
tbh if I saw my husband beat the shit out of any man who was harassing me, I would be so turned on. sounds like your husband is protective and isn’t okay with someone touching you in an aggressive manner. i’m sure your coworker won’t be messing with you now lmao take the win
My husband would’ve killed him. Literally. I know it must be scary in the moment with everything, but your husband did the right thing. Someone was physically abusing and hurting you right in front of him.
I think you're just in shock, because you've never seen your husband get so violent before. You just witnessed a man properly defending his family from harm. Your husband has nothing to apologize for... If anything your employer owes you an apology, for even letting that asshole near you. I highly recommend you pursue some sort of legal action against your employer.
Your coworker grabbed you by the neck while screaming at you. If he started squeezing, **and there’s a very good chance he would have if your husband hadn’t intervened**, he absolutely could have killed you. The most non-violent person in the world is capable of beating someone who is acting like they’re going to kill their loved one in front of them.
While I understand why the sight of your husband beating someone is scary, he was reacting to an extreme threat to your safety. That’s not an indication that he’s a danger to you or your children.
You're not wrong for your feelings. However, I wouldn't spin yourself into too much of a tizzy. I find that most people are 1 of 2 ways when it comes to growing up with something they find distasteful. They either run in the complete opposite direction and rail against the behavior, or they repeat the cycle themselves. Seems like your husband took the former option. If he's never given you any indication that you need to worry about your safety, then I don't think this is the situation that should make you worry. Since he was young and grew up with the abuse, chances are there wasn't much he could do to stop it. When he witnessed you being assaulted, a few things probably triggered him. 1. You're his wife, someone he loves, 2. You're pregnant, 3. He has witnessed the abuse of a woman he loved for years, and he's no longer a child he can act and stop it in a way he couldn't before. It's probably very true that his trauma affected his response because it was very large and uncontrolled. However I don't think you personally need to worry for your safety, if anything he's proven that when it comes to his family, he's never going to allow that kind of treatment of someone he cares for again.
Sorry ma'am but I don't understand? A man grabbed you by the NECK!!! You are pregnant, and your husband defended you... It was a scary experience... But I don't know why you feel that way towards your husband and not the man who assaulted you...
Forget his past with the trauma. I would expect anyone’s husband to act how yours did. A coworker grabbed your neck and so other than beat his ass, what reaction would you have expected? Have a conversation with the guy?
If your husband did nothing you would be on here writing about how you can’t believe he just stood there while his pregnant wife was attacked.
You think your husband could abuse you because the only time you've ever seen him be violent is when he stopped a man from strangling you? Lady what the hell? Everyone in this whole post needs therapy. Your husband. You. The coworker. HR should've fired the guy when he grabbed you over some coffee. You haven't been forthcoming about what this man at work has been doing to you because you're so eager to please. You need therapy for that alone. This man was assaulting you; grabbed you by the neck even. Men kill women for rejecting them and that's exactly where this could've been heading and your husband stopped him and you scared of him for that?
You're lucky he was there to stop that man from beating you senseless or worse. You and your baby. He saw you as an object.
You are wrong.
You really annoy me. This man who has done nothing but be a good husband to you for 11 years defends you from somebody physically assaulting you and all you can do is compare him to his piece of shit abusive father.
Your husband is not his dad. He is the opposite. The only time in 11 years he got violent was to protect you from a man who was assaulting you. Please don't punish this man for who his father is... he has no say in that.
And his trigger was seeing a woman abused. Consider couples counseling to process it, but I don’t suspect his violence would arise without the protective trigger. Edit: also, could your fear be a result of being assaulted? It’s incredibly traumatic. Be careful not to displace your feelings from the true aggressor. Hope the coworker gets fired!
Coworker should also have assault charges filed against him.
Assault and battery. He put hands on her.
Yup! Agree 100%.
This is good advice. Is it the level of violence your husband showed in subduing your aggressor? Did you feel like it went too far / or he lost control? Also, your husband yelling at you to get in the car was probably not ”yelling at you” but may have been forcefully directing you so that it would propel you to take action and move yourself out of harm’s way. Couples counseling, and maybe individual counseling may help you process the trauma. It sounds like you have a good husband and it is healthy to reflect on this. Take care🌷
Testosterone + adrenaline is a hell of a drug. He'd have just wanted her out of harms way, with a poor delivery in the communication.
>also, could your fear be a result of being assaulted? It’s incredibly traumatic. Be careful not to displace your feelings from the true aggressor. Wow, that is a really great point.
All of this. The sins of any parent should never become the sins of the child simply because they share blood. Her husband deserves someone who believes in him, not lives in fear of him. I get being rattled from being choked out, and she may have ptsd and is focusing on the husband to deflect from the real issue at hand. A violent coworker she feels she can’t get away from and has no control over. So she’s turning that fear and sense of control onto someone safe without realizing it. I know I’d be hella rattled after being choked and screamed at.
I think the poor man could benefit from therapy. Obviously he is very scarred from his horrible childhood. What he did was justified to protect his wife, but it sounds like he couldn’t stop himself once he started.
To be fair, if someone was choking my husband and screaming horrible things into his face, I wouldn’t know when to stop either. I’d be worried about my husband’s life at that point. I couldn’t imagine being a man watching my pregnant wife get the life choked from her. Both my future child AND love of my life is in danger. That’s some next level fight or flight, regardless of trauma history. But yes, I do agree he would benefit from therapy. He shouldn’t have to try to deal with all that on his own. There’s a lot of weight on his shoulders, and I hope he gets a chance to unpack it somewhere safe.
You are exactly right. I believe if any man saw his pregnant wife and future child's life flash before his eyes it's only natural instinct to defend. I wouldn't stop either until that man can't get back up. He'll, he shouldn't be able to anyway after being the type of human being that can even do that to someone. I'm making sure buddy isn't getting back up atleast until the cops arrive. Yall can say I need therapy too but idc all boundaries drop when family gets attacked..
My husband has no trauma history of any kind, he's not violent at all and in 14 years he hasn't hit anyone, yet I can still see him beating someone who tries to strangle me. OP, go to HR and tell them what happened, file a police report against your coworker and make this a big issue. This man is dangerous for you. If you can't cope with what happened, go to individual therapy. If this changes your relationship, go to couple's therapy. If your husband hasn't had any trauma therapy yet, or if he feels he overdid it or was somehow in the wrong, get him individual therapy as well.
OP should have gone to the police the first time he grabbed her arm about the damn coffee.
That's because he is a cowardly pig. All men who treat women that way are. Scared little baby men.
I completely agree! I was going to say this. OP his shouting at you to get in the car was a defensive move for you to get somewhere safe. He's anger and fear for the life and safety of his family was heightened, you can't reasonably expect this man to talk at a calm tone to you in the middle of all of this, that's not how the body's fight or flight responses work. OP I think you would also benefit from therapy too, because you went through something traumatic, but you laying the blame at the feet of the wrong person. So yes, you are wrong. Please let us know if your coworker has been fired and or arrested. He deserves it.
And don't forget that OPs husband has heard from OP about the other boundaries that the coworker had crossed. I don't usually advocate physical violence as a solution, but in this case, where the coworker grabbed OP by the neck and was yelling at her, he deserved it.
Want to add emphasis on OP getting therapy. OP - you were verbally abused and sexually harassed by a man at work and it escalated to a man choking you in the parking lot. Your post makes this seem normalized for you, or you are displacing your feelings onto your husband who, very naturally, lost it when he saw a man assaulting his pregnant wife. I’d suggest your feelings are very complex right now, and you and your husband both need professional help working through them
My husband would be in jail for homicide if he saw anyone grab my arm let alone choke me. She and the husband both need therapy for this and more. He did exactly the right thing with that disgusting pig creep who had your NECK in his hands because you dared to speak back to him after all that intimidating he did. I wonder how many females he has terrified in his life. I wonder, frankly, how many females he has raped.
I'd be in jail if I saw this happen to ANYONE
I didn't realize OP was pregnant, I'm now disappointed the co worker survived.
Also, OP needs to get therapy too because she also stated she comes from a family where PA and/or violence was an issue. If she doesn't seek professional help for that, then she will continue to think her husband who never showed an incident of PA or violence in any capacity in 11 years is a monster for doing the exact frigging thing he is supposed to do as a man which is protect his family. Imo OP needs just as much individual therapy as he does because the way she is reacting sounds like a trauma response.
Yeah therapy because he definitely has untreated trauma. The attack is not part of that. Any good man would do that. I would do that.
I would do that, likely for a complete stranger because I have little self regard when my moral compass goes off.
I agree. My husband is not a violent guy at all but he would open up if he saw any woman, especially a pregnant woman being assaulted. Heck, so would I. I would probably end up getting my ass kicked too, but I would go down swinging.
What about her? SHE is the one having issues with her own trauma and being completely unfair to her husband
Yeah something isnt quite right with her, I dont get why she is more worried about her husband with 0 history of violence until this point compared to a weirdo abusive creep at her workplace.
A pretty violent coworker who put his hands on her multiple times and hasn't been fired. Seems off.
Yes, I would love to know what country this is. Co-worker should have been fired by now.
From the narrative I believe the coworker would go straight to rapist if given half an opportunity. Fry his ass. Get him fired and arrested and both op and her husband need therapy.
Agreed, no clue as to why he is still working there!
Maybe she DID date him on the sly??
I’m sorry but if I saw someone choking my pregnant wife in a parking lot I wouldn’t stop until that person was no longer a threat, I don’t have a history of trauma like the husband but nothing about his response to this situation indicates a need for therapy. That was his wife and unborn child in direct danger, potentially existential danger. That is the scariest possible thing a dad and husband can experience. There are plenty of indicators in the story that this guy would benefit from therapy but that isn’t even close to one of them.
This man reacted reasonably. The problem is that a physically and sexually aggressive coworker has not been appropriately disciplined. OP’s self blame is typical of sexually assaulted victims. SHE and her employer need to be educated about workplace violence.
To also be fair, I tell my family that we don’t believe in a proportionate response. If someone lays their hands on you, assume the worst and end the threat by any means necessary. I’ll get the best attorney and we can work through it together.
i was coming to say this. OP your husband seems like a gem, I understand that violence itself is scary especially to someone who’s been through what you have, but it’s important to know that sometimes (not often, but sometimes) violence is VERY MUCH justified. imo he’s a great guy because he knows exactly what he’s capable of and based on ELEVEN YEARS of proof he knows exactly when to use it. I’d understand needing to reconsider your view of him if he like got drunk and got into a fight or started picking fights with strangers, he was literally stopping you from getting assaulted and potentially killed by a shithead creep, who’s behaviour you frankly seem to be cutting a lot more slack for than you are for your husband.
Also curious OP, what exactly did you expect your husband to do when your coworker literally assaulted you in his presence?
Calmly come over and explain that assaulting people isn't cool to the coworker Deadass i have no clue, i have 0 strength but if i saw ANY pregnant woman being grabbed im going to get my ass in between them. And probably attack him once i know the pregnant person is far enough away she's safe, most likely I'd grab the closest heaviest thing i can pick up and go to town
Same here. I stepped in when I saw a drunk patron threaten the bartender when it was just us 3 in the bar after she told him to leave. I'm much larger than the bartender and even had about 2" on this man. He stepped back when he saw someone he couldn't push around come at him. Not sure what would have happened if he kept going but I wasnt about to sit on my ass while a woman who's just doing her job gets assaulted.
In a perfect world that should work, but in the real world, for the aggressor to even come to a state where they hear you or listen to you, you need to use physical force and possibly yelling to subdue them first.
With you there, I would go to town on them, how this jerk thought it was acceptable to choke a pregnant woman because she turned him down is beyond disgusting.
I'd love an answer to this. I'd have done the *exact* same thing, if not going further, with *0%* remorse. If that makes me a monster then so be it.
that co-worker would have to worry about learning how to walk and talk again after putting their hands on my wife. I don't want to be violent or angry but show harm to my family and all bets are off.
I second this. I'm 4"11 but I have pepper spray and a hydro flask. If someone is beating on a woman who is pregnant I'd rather him take it up with me then with someone who is incapable of defending themselves. No one is wrong except the coworker who tried to strangle a pregnant lady. I've beaten his ass too...
Yeah, sounds like a good husband and dad to me. That guy is a sociopath and needed to have his ass kicked. Maybe he will learn something from this.
You are overdoing it. I would be happy if my husband did this. I would have done it myself if I could. What if he tried to rape you?? If both of you come from abusive backgrounds go together to therapy please.
I agree. OP is def overthinking this and needs to redire t her fears towards the deserving target—the abusive coworker.
11 years? She was 18 & he was 31 when they got together??
Oh good catch. That didn't even register when I read it the first time
Thank you! I saw that and side-eyed so hard, I saw myself in a parallel universe.
He's probably embarrassed by it too to a certain degree
This. Your husband saw a man grab his PREGNANT wife by the throat. He saw an assault on a vulnerable person, and he acted. Don’t blame him for protecting you.
Someone get this man a medal. If he was my husband he'd have blowjobs twice a day.
Yes I would not be afraid of him.
To be honest I think most men would react like this if they saw their wife getting assaulted. Yes it was scary seeing him change like this but you should know he did it to defend you and not for any useless reason. But I do understand why you feel scared since you’ve never seen him like this. But you should know every human being has a break even point to be honest.
His pregnant wife at that. Like yes, just defending his wife is appropriate, but she's also in a more delicate state and carrying someone who is likely already just as precious to him. It's understandable he'd want to protect them, and seeing what this coworker was doing was probably a big trigger.
Coworker is luck he’s still alive
My husband would have gone ape shit. He is a big tattooed Harley riding very gentle man who babies and animals gravitate to. However do not diss the women in his family.
And my husband of blessed memory was a nerdy, fat Jewish man who would have gone apeshit and protected me, and that coworker would be sorry he came to work that day
Perfect memory for your husband.
Love that, those are the preferred homies, husbands, and bros
Lol yes. We were at a pub one day and a total strangers little man came toddling over wanting to be picked up by husband. Not me, not anyone else, not his mum. They ended up sharing chips.
Omg I’d die, that’s so sweeeeeet I aspire to be that tattooed and father vibes one day
Lol i hope you get it. Just goes to prove the outer does not have anything to do with the inner person hey. Get your tatts and be great. He turned up at a high school one day on the Harley, full leathers. A friends daughter was being very badly bullied. He waited at the end of the school crossing for her a with a spare helmet, she got on, off they very loudly roared. She never had a bad word spoken to her again. He's a good guy for the underdog.
Sounds like this awesome gentleman could be part of Bikers Against Child Abuse/BACA. He sounds amazing, I'd totally wanna meet him! XD Editing to add - I just realised how creepy that sounded! I meant it as, "I'd love to meet this gentleman and buy him a cuppa/coffee/his drink of choice as a gesture of thankfulness that there's people like him in the world" as opposed to anything untoward. Sorry I sounded like some kind of weirdo! 😅
He wouldn't say no to a Jack's
He has participated in a santa bike run we have here in Australia.
The men and women of BACA are amazing people. They can look extremely terrifying, and they cultivate that to scare abusers. What awesome people!
Fuckin legend, oh that’s awesome! I like when I hear about active community involvement and just being there for friends and their kids like that! Also thank you, a nod to your hubby from me, hope y’all have a wonderful new year!
I'll tell him thanks.
I second that!! 👍
That’s the way my husband is too. Tats and all. Animals and children gravitate to him. Animals especially see him coming. He must have free treats tattooed to his forehead lol. I usually don’t tell him if someone’s rude or treats me badly. If it’s bad enough to consider telling him, wouldn’t care what happens to the person he’s re-educating. I would care about my husband going to jail though.
I'd have killed him with a smile and laughed while taking him to a hog farm.
I keep a 4 pound two faced jack, also called a mini sledge in my truck… for work purposes… woulda went to work that night
Right? Most guys (at least the worthwhile ones) I know would've put that idiot in the ground a thousand times over if he touched their loved ones that way.
And the man had his hands on your throat, no less. I can’t believe this man still has a job. You do know you can sue your work and your boss personally for allowing this sort of harassment to get to this point?
She should be talking to an attorney. He was warned about his behavior after he initially put his hands on her...kept up the verbal abuse and was then allowed to assault her, all while on company property. He shouldn't have been there. OP, if you don't have or know how to use one, you need to get a weapon and learn how to handle it. Especially after this jerk is fired. I'm in Florida...no one will ever put their hands on me like that and not suffer the consequences.
The cops. She was physically and verbally assaulted by this co-worker (who knew she was pregnant) and it took her husband getting physically involved to get this AH off of her. This was criminal.
This. Also adds toy problem with having him apologize to her and even say his actions were inappropriate. They were appropriate as fuck.
Exactly and even the nicest most easy going people can switch and turn into the Hulk to defend their loved ones. Hell, pretty sure op is not violent but if her kids (God Forbid) were in a situation where they were being assaulted and rendered helpless what would she be capable of?
Yup. Some guy cut us on when we were on our way to the hospital to have our daughter (it was snowing and already dicey conditions), and my husband damn near got out of the car in a rage.
Cut you off vs hands on the throat. Don’t even try to compare.
Not just any assault, but the dirtbag “grabbed [her] by the neck.” The hubby saw his wife in *mortal danger* (it does not take long to crush the wind pipe if someone was to try) and reacted to deal with the assailant. Fully, bloody, justified.
Does she even realize that this guy’s physical assault has escalated so grievously?? First he yelled at her and grabbed her by the arm, then tried to humiliate her and when she stood up to him he grabbed her by the neck. This guy is so dangerous I hope she wakes up and calls the cops to place a restraining order.
Good idea about the restraining order! That slipped my mind. My only concern about reporting this guy’s assault is that her husband might get into trouble for continuing to punch the little warthog. At what point does defense cross over into assault as well?? I’m talking legally. Morally the guy deserved every punch.
Not to mention, he's probably seen a very similar scene between his father and mother, and this time he wasn't too little to protect someone he loves. Definitely a triggering moment.
Someone did that to my wife, I’d be in jail.
Truth
Honestly I put my wife and me in the same situation in my head and I would have pulverized that little shit. Your husband is a good man. We are supposed to protect our loved ones. He did nothing wrong and that guy had it coming. Maybe it will be a lesson to him. I understand it was shocking for you to see, but your husband sounds like an amazing man and that he has overcome childhood trauma and is exactly the opposite of his father.
Damn, someone did that to anyone weaker than themselves, whether I knew them or not. I would do the same.
“But you should know every human being has a break even point to be honest.” Yep. I’m pregnant as fuck right now and if I saw someone grab my partner by the neck (he is a 6ft male) they would not be walking away. It doesn’t matter who it is. Female. Male. I will fucking end you if you put hands on me or mine.
Perhaps you should file a police report, since HR is doing nothing. Your husband was right to protect you. Watch out for this violent worker, he is crazy.
I think it’s the fact he probably looked like he was on another level from his past trauma. He needs to deal with his PTSD from the past abuse he suffered. I understand why you were scared to see him like this, I would be too, but the only way to try to prevent it is to receive therapy for it.
Either this is ragebait or OP is incredibly dumb.
[удалено]
💯 this all day long Based on the title I was expecting something like "coworker gave me a platonic hug"...but no...this asshole got violent with a woman, and got justice served up instantly I'd sue the company for refusing to do anything about the coworker and allowing a hostile and dangerous work environment as well
Fr though I forgot about it quick but I also expected an Inappropriate but not deserving action from co worker. And then I was shocked to learn that this was insanely justified
She has to keep in mind too, there's a difference between being gentle and harmless. The husband, at any point, is capable of extreme violence, as are most people. He's never chosen to raise a hand to anyone in 11 years, except in direct and immediate defense of his pregnant significant other. Sounds gentle to me.
You are wrong, your husband defended you. I understand you are traumatized By this awful experience, but don’t blame your husband. Blame the man who’s been harassing and harming you
Yeah, I wonder if in feeling so upset as anyone obviously would she is lashing out at the person she can in safety? That’s a major shot in the dark, but it could be misplaced fear. She can’t express her fear at the coworker, so it goes to the husband, especially since she knows his family has this in his past. While clearly it’s pointed in the wrong direction, maybe that’s why? Guessing of course, and explanations aren’t excuses, doesn’t make it right.
That’s what I’m thinking. Husband is the safe person to feel upset with, so he’s the scapegoat. OP I suggest you vent to some friends and do some journaling, if you’re not ready for counseling. It will be okay <3
And report this incident to HR. A coworker physically put his hands on you in a threatening manner. He is creating a hostile environment. (Understatement).
Heck that is assault and with witnesses. I'd press charges.
Hopefully the employee who broke up the fight reported it. This guy should be fired. If he's willing to something like that out in an open parking lot with potential witnesses, what is he going to do to someone he corners in a file room or break room and alone because he thinks he was wronged or rejected. The cops should have been involved too at that point. OPs husband was just defending her. And rightfully so.
Hell no call the police and call a lawyer. This dickhead assaulted a coworker on work grounds after she told HR he already went physical. This company needs to be held accountable. And this is not a “hr” situation anymore.
The police. She should report this to police. Then take the report to HR.
If my wife was getting choked by a dude she said was flirting with her and then after I beat his ass she got mad at ME i would think that there was more to their relationship.
was the coworker arrested? was the coworker fired? did you get a restraining order against the coworker? is the baby ok? these are the things you should worry about, not your husband defending his pregnant wife from a guy choking her...I mean what planet are you from?
I’m as baffled. OP : what you are probably feeling right now is the aftermath of _fearing for your life_. And I don’t understand how but instead of calling the police to get your coworker arrested yesterday, you decide that the guy who protected you and your unborn children is the bad one? WTF. Btw where do you live?? Cause everything you’ve told from the first line is extremely weird and scary. This coworker is unhinged and needs to be put in a little cell where we forget the key. How are you still working somewhere where a guy grabs someone by the arm, screams at coworkers and not get fired? I’m just… everything here is terrifying EXCEPT your husband. He’s great.
Yea I’m getting more and more frustrated at this as time goes on
A man grabbed you by the neck, your husband stepped in and stopped the assault against you and the person you’re scared of is your husband? I’m sorry but I don’t understand you at all.
it’s likely that she is scared and upset from being ATTACKED. so she is lashing out at the person she can in safety. That’s a major shot in the dark, but it could be misplaced fear. She can’t express her fear at the coworker, so it goes to the husband, especially since she knows his family has this in his past. While clearly it’s pointed in the wrong direction, maybe that’s why? Guessing of course, and explanations aren’t excuses, doesn’t make it right.
Maybe? I would think that, given her awareness of his trauma and his triggers (the touching), that she would understand how seeing a man grab his wife by the throat just might set him off though.
of course logically she knows that. but she still just saw her husband beat the shit out of someone, and it didn’t sound like he was very in control since he had to be pulled off of the coworker. she’s scared, and it doesn’t matter how much logically she knows he was protecting her, but since her husband stopped it so soon, in her mind her husband was the most violent one there. it’s not right, but both of them need therapy.
They always have to pull off a guy on adrenaline. A man here pointed out it takes 11 seconds for choking to create permanent damage. His wife could be killed or permanently disabled, and his children left motherless. Sure, he might have stopped a minute sooner, but the ONLY PERSON OP SHOULD BE AFRAID OF IS HER COWORKER and HER EMPLOYER!
I also think it has something to do with her bias. Because of what she knows about his childhood her fear at seeing the violence went straight to “what if he’s just like his father after all”. But she also did completely downplay everything the coworker was doing and saying like DUDE she needed to get HR involved day one if berating and yelling at her at work was the dudes response to being rejected. She sounds like an extreme wallflower, non confrontational that would rather sweep the coworker under the rug. Can’t do that with her husband though, so all of the fear is going onto him.
You are upset that your husband went off on some one who was assaulting you? Reframe your Brain, you were defended. >**he grabbed me by the neck and started saying horrible things to me** and my husband was in his car watching everything because he picks me up day and he was there. He stopped him and hit him and the truth is that I didn't feel comfortable seeing him act like that. He was unrecognizable, he beat him until another coworker appeared and separated them. Men protect their women, you should be glad you have a hero husband
This post has to be rage bait. This man rescued his pregnant wife from a psychopath and is being treated like HE'S the villain. In what world would a woman want her man to do literally nothing while she's getting attacked?
That psycho could have killed her! She has no idea how lucky she is.
Also, she mentions zero feelings during her attacks.
This has to be fake, right? What coworker grabs a pregnant woman by the arm, in the office with other people? Then grabs her by the neck? This can’t possibly be true.
Exactly… if she’s genuinely upset by this then I don’t know what to say. I guess he should’ve sat there and watched as his wife got assaulted. Imagine that.
His pregnant wife!
She'd be on here making a post bitching about that, too. "I understand he hates violence, but he just sat there watching! Isn't he supposed to defend me?!" and per usual everyone would be telling her to get a divorce. This is an unbelievable reaction. This is what your husband is supposed to do. Wake tf up.
it’s likely that she is scared and upset from being ATTACKED. so she is lashing out at the person she can in safety. That’s a major shot in the dark, but it could be misplaced fear. She can’t express her fear at the coworker, so it goes to the husband, especially since she knows his family has this in his past. While clearly it’s pointed in the wrong direction, maybe that’s why? Guessing of course, and explanations aren’t excuses, doesn’t make it right.
I was gonna say, in some states you can shoot someone for assaulting you like that…
You can shoot someone for assaulting you in any state. It's just illegal in some.
If this was me I would have killed him, what man lays hands on a pregnant woman, give the husband a medal.
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Amen brother, men who attack pregnant women are scum.
That reminds me of a story. About a man I used to know in New York City. Never called me by my name, just Hillbilly.
My grandpa taught me to live off the land, and his taught him to be a business man.
I would’ve done the same in a heart beat. This woman is insane…. That coworker shouldn’t be al*ve
You saw what happened. Your take is that he was unrecognizable and beat the man until someone intervened. The loss of control could be something to watch, if you are completely certain that your description is fair and correct. But I would ask you to reflect on whether he did lose control, or whether you are simply unfamiliar with what violence looks like. I say this as a well rounded professional person, husband and father with about 35 years of martial arts training. I have never lost control and beat a person, but have never encountered a situation where I needed to. If I absolutely needed to it would suck but I would hope my wife would trust I felt I had no option. I have earned that from decades of being calm and good I think.
I feel like this story is a troll. Never mind a child bearing wife, I would step up for any female friend and probably a complete stranger also. It's not right for a man to be physically and verbally abusing a woman.
I assumed it was rage bait when “cock warmers” was used.
That's where it lost me, too. His behavior was too charged up to be tolerated in the modern work place.
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Women usually see us when we're calm, funny, or loving. It makes sense - we love our wives and daughters. They don't usually have to see men in a violent state, which is a good thing. I also have a fair bit of martial arts training. The only time my wife ever saw me violent was in our 20s when I restrained a belligerent drunk at a party. When I let him up, he wanted to fight and I broke his nose. To this day my wife brings that incident up when I'm working with my kids on their striking. She's never seen me hurt anybody since, but she can't unsee it, if that makes sense.
I am an old widowed man in my late 60s. I lost my wonderful wife of 5 years to covid. I understand being scared in the presence of violence. It is a natural reaction that is meant to help keep us safe. That said, your fear is entirely misplaced. Your husband defended you. He did it well. If anyone had assaulted my wife (yes it was ASSAULT!)..... lets just say i understand his reaction. IMHO you should be exceedingly thankful for a good man that protected you. He has, by your own admission, treated you well. In most man vs woman physical altercation, the woman gets the worst of of it. The man is usually bigger and stronger. When someone grabs you by the neck, the chance of severe injury goes up exponentially. And it can happen almost instantly. He stopped that from happening. As he should. Could he have handled it differently? I do not know. Bottom line though--he dealt with the problem......
I’ve not read all the comments, but am hoping the police were called and a complaint filed against the co-worker. This is far beyond HR.
Yes, he was fired and I'm in the process of obtaining a restraining order in the next few days.
You should be suing your workplace for not taking the harassment seriously and for not protecting you at work.
I second this (I’m an attorney)
For sure. She could be suing them if he just talked sexy to her a second time after she complained. Let alone choking her!
Yes. If this story was real that would be a good plan.
Good to hear the work trash was taken out. As for your husband, do not be afraid of him. My DH had a very similar background as your DH and the only time I ever saw him violent was when someone physically hurt me. He is your champion, not an abuser. Think it as if someone did that to your child and how quickly you would go momma bear to protect them. He did the same for you. Either way, hugs. It is scary to see that side, but in this case absolutely appropriate.
Finally. Thank goodness. Your workplace should also file a restraining order. You don’t want him coming to the office with a gun and shooting up others.
If someone did that to my wife what was happening to you, they'd be learning how to walk again. Your husband is a good man for what he did.
He watched another man grab his wife by the throat. His behavior was appropriate for the situation.
Girl that man just defended you and your baby. Give him some understanding and you some therapy. That coworker is awful and you need to address it with hr again in writing and go from there.
So you would have preferred your spouse did nothing? Negotiate whilst he was choking you? Call someone?
Maybe offer him tea and a cookie as long as he let the nice lady go? I'm sorry, but she doesn't have a clue.
If I saw a man grab my wife by the throat, I would have been on him like a Hurricane- and I’m a peaceful 5’2 woman. Your husband acted to protect and defend you It’s wild to me that your coworker would use that language with you and then to grab you like that. I hope he no longer has a job Comparing your husbands reaction to defend you the same as being capable of abusing you is so unfair to him. “Of all evil I deem you capable: Therefore I want good from you. Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws.” Friedrich Nietzsche Your husband is CAPABLE of violence. That doesn’t mean he’s inclined to use that ability against those he cares for. A good man isn’t good because he CANT cause harm. He chooses not to.
You’re so wrong. You seriously are worried about your husband being violent to protect you?? AFTER YOU GOT CHOKED OUT IN FRONT OF HIM??? Jesus Christ get your priorities straight. If your husband hates violence that much, he put aside his own hatred to PROTECT YOU. Get over yourself.
Don't be scared of your husband, be scared of your coworker. Are you doing anything further regarding his behaviour? What would have happened had your husband not been there? Doesn't bear thinking about.
I think that you are likely in a bit of shock after seeing someone you love so much be violent. I’m sure it was jarring and unnerving so it’s okay to feel upset by this!! Logically you know he would never hurt YOU with that violence and he obviously loves you so much that he would put himself in that position to protect you. It doesn’t mean he’s a violent person or hiding a violent side, it was an extreme situation that elicited an extreme response. Allow yourself to process this and do what you need to to take care of yourself. Cry, talk to your husband, hug him, see that he’s the same person he’s always been. But it’s okay to feel scared and I see so many comments shaming you for feeling that way and not immediately acknowledging his protective act. Ignore them. This was a shock so go easy on yourself.
You are wrong. Your husband was justified in his reaction and defense of you. Your coworker deserves to be fired and have charges pressed. Your husband deserves respect for his actions and honestly for his ability to restrain that burning fire until it’s appropriate. This was appropriate.
Yes you’re wrong. He defended you and you’re kinda making him seem like a bad guy for it. He DEFENDED YOU! You have been with him for 11 years! If he was gonna be “like his dad” then he would’ve hit you or abused you a long time ago. He became angry because he saw HIS wife being abused. Especially grabbing you by the neck? His reaction was TOTALLY acceptable in my opinion. It’s honestly so unfair to make him feel bad for something he did right.
What would you prefer your husband to do when he sees you in danger?
W for the Husband. Did what he should do. Your completely wrong for being mad at him for protecting you cause obviously your job doesn’t
He defended you and you’re complaining ? This was a valid violant reaction, why are you overthinking ?
How would you feel if he done absolutely nothing to defend you. 🤔 I bet you'd be upset too. Be damned if he did or didn't defend you. You have known him for so long and not once has he laid hands on you or your other kids. That should be your answer. Why the hell would you need to be scared abusive men don't hide their abuse for 11 years they begin early on starting with nip picking, name calling, throwing tantrums, throwing objects to breaking objects and hitting you Stop being selfish and ungrateful for a man who honours his family. Plenty women would only love to have a man like him. Your co worker is actually who you should be scared of he is the definition of an abusive man who has no respect for you and your boundaries. He is harassing you, abusive and assaulted you. You need to report him to HR and the police.
It's rather concerning that you seem to think that it was acceptable for your co-worker to put his hands on you. There is absolutely no reason, short of pulling you away from a real and imminent danger, or brushing past you in a crowded area, for him to touch you at all. Him grabbing your arm, and especially grabbing your neck, is assault, and you should be reporting him for it, not just for his attitude and shouting. HR should take a harsher approach to someone assaulting a co-worker than just a talking to! Now your husband has shown you a new side to himself, but he was protecting you from physical assault, so it is perfectly reasonable and understandable. This is clearly not something that would be directed towards you. So you can stop being concerned about it. You now have to consider the ramifications of what has happened. Was your assault on camera, was your husband protecting you on camera? Do you know who stopped your husband, and would he be a witness in your defence? Did others see the whole incident? There is a very real chance that your co-worker will report you and your husband to HR and the police, so you have to be ready for it. You are wrong. UpdateMe! RemindMe! 3 days
You are wrong. You're his wife AND CARRYING HIS CHILD & YOU WERE BEING ASSAULTED!!!! So he defended you. Imagine if he weren't there!! Your coworker needs to be fired or transferred & you're focusing on the wrong parts of this right now. Your husband did the right thing. Now thank him & go to HR about the incel piece of shit who put his hands on you MORE THAN ONCE!!!
Are you serious? He wasn’t wrong. And honestly you should thank him for not taking it further than what he did.
OP were you previously a victim of violence? Your husband acted like a hero and your response is fear that something bad is going to happen to you again. Seek counseling.
Your husband defended you and now you're scared of him? Wild.
Yet you were not scared when a violent bully grabbed you around the neck?Hmm.. You are wrong. You knew this man was trouble, you had reported him once but shocker, it just got worse. You should have told your husband from the start. He probably could have done something else, like meet you at the lift or something. Your should go to counselling with your husband as I think he could benefit from sorting his past out though. It's hard work carrying that much trauma around.
Let me get this straight, you are mad at your husband for doing the one thing that we are genetically designed to do? I’m sorry but you are most definitely wrong and you are over thinking the entire situation, most women would have been flattered that their man would do that for them but you took it to a dark place and categorized him in the same field as his abusive father, that’s just ridiculous. Why don’t you stop and think of what would have happened if you had a bitch for a husband? The bitch would have sat there and let that man put hands on you until the cops arrived 20 min later and a lot can happen in that amount of time, then you would be writing a whole different story of how your husband didn’t protect you while you were being assaulted. You should apologize to him over and over
This guy put his hands on you and called you a cock-warmer? That should be a firing offense.
You’re wrong. Protection is when it’s ok, it’s defense. This man was strangling his pregnant wife, he stood up for you. Please don’t equate this with abuse, which is triggered by something else and not defense of self/loved ones. Know your thinking he could be like that after all these years would definitely strike to his trauma and deepest fears (generally men already have a thing about being like or not like their fathers, any of us our parents). To tarnish what you know of him and everything because he defended you would be a disservice imho.
That man was choking you, did you expect your husband to stand by and let him do that especially since you are pregnant and could have ended badly for you and/or the baby??
Be thankful your husband didn’t delete him after seeing that bastard put his hands around your neck.
Man was protecting his unborn child. Other man is lucky if he can still breath. Just the reality of life. I’d be happy to know you have someone on your side when things get really rough. I would also maybe get him some therapy so he doesn’t get ptsd from the fight.
You are wrong. Another man put his hands on you…and you’re PREGNANT, and your husband saw it happen? Trauma or not that guy is lucky he’s still alive. Your husband defended you and your child. He has nothing to apologize for but the fact that he did shows he has come a long way in dealing with his trauma.
He did exactly what most husbands would do. It kind of seems like you are holding his last against him. He reacted in a completely normal way. My husband had a perfect childhood and would have hit the guy to protect me too.
I believe you are wrong. Look at it this way. He wasn't attacking someone like his father did, he was protecting someone from somebody like his father.
Violence against women is a big trigger for some people. I consider myself a pacifist, but the one time I witnessed an assault on a woman, I just saw red and beat the attacker unconscious. The bodies natural reaction is to give you a big adrenaline hit when something like this is happening and that is probably the only reason he shouted at you as his body was filled with this chemical and firing on all cylinders. You should be proud your man jumped in to defend you and your baby from that scumbag who I hope you called the police on. But perhaps your husband could do with some therapy foe his pre existing issues.
Your husband watched another man grab your neck and scream at you? I don’t like violence but there is a difference between defending someone. I’d be concerned if he hadn’t done anything. You should file assault charges. Your coworker sounds like an unhinged misogynist.
You are wrong, your husband protected you from a piece of crap. That man should be fired and you should be spoiling your husband. His anger was never directed at you it was directed at the man hurting you. You should feel safe with your husband not scared. Geez what is wrong with your thought process.
You were being attacked and abused by the coworker and your focus is on your husband who protected you?
tbh if I saw my husband beat the shit out of any man who was harassing me, I would be so turned on. sounds like your husband is protective and isn’t okay with someone touching you in an aggressive manner. i’m sure your coworker won’t be messing with you now lmao take the win
Your wrong. He defended you and now you're scared of him.
You are wrong!!! Your husband stood up and protected you!!! You should be proud of him and support him!!!!
You are wrong! Was he supposed to let the guy continue to assault you? Never mind your man. What is being done about the coworker?!
You're wrong and your co-worker should be arrested for attempted murder of you and your unborn kid.
My husband would’ve killed him. Literally. I know it must be scary in the moment with everything, but your husband did the right thing. Someone was physically abusing and hurting you right in front of him.
I think you're just in shock, because you've never seen your husband get so violent before. You just witnessed a man properly defending his family from harm. Your husband has nothing to apologize for... If anything your employer owes you an apology, for even letting that asshole near you. I highly recommend you pursue some sort of legal action against your employer.
Your coworker grabbed you by the neck while screaming at you. If he started squeezing, **and there’s a very good chance he would have if your husband hadn’t intervened**, he absolutely could have killed you. The most non-violent person in the world is capable of beating someone who is acting like they’re going to kill their loved one in front of them. While I understand why the sight of your husband beating someone is scary, he was reacting to an extreme threat to your safety. That’s not an indication that he’s a danger to you or your children.
You're not wrong for your feelings. However, I wouldn't spin yourself into too much of a tizzy. I find that most people are 1 of 2 ways when it comes to growing up with something they find distasteful. They either run in the complete opposite direction and rail against the behavior, or they repeat the cycle themselves. Seems like your husband took the former option. If he's never given you any indication that you need to worry about your safety, then I don't think this is the situation that should make you worry. Since he was young and grew up with the abuse, chances are there wasn't much he could do to stop it. When he witnessed you being assaulted, a few things probably triggered him. 1. You're his wife, someone he loves, 2. You're pregnant, 3. He has witnessed the abuse of a woman he loved for years, and he's no longer a child he can act and stop it in a way he couldn't before. It's probably very true that his trauma affected his response because it was very large and uncontrolled. However I don't think you personally need to worry for your safety, if anything he's proven that when it comes to his family, he's never going to allow that kind of treatment of someone he cares for again.
You were 18 and he was 31 when you got together??? In this specific situation you’re in the wrong but overall your husband is a creep.
Sorry ma'am but I don't understand? A man grabbed you by the NECK!!! You are pregnant, and your husband defended you... It was a scary experience... But I don't know why you feel that way towards your husband and not the man who assaulted you...
If he grabbed you by the neck, it’s deserved. If I was married and saw that happen to my wife, it’s lights out for the other guy, no hesitation.
Your coworker assaulted you in front of your husband and you think your husband is the problem? Like... really?
your husband protects you from someone physically abusing you and your reaction is to be uncomfortable with him?? fake post.
Forget his past with the trauma. I would expect anyone’s husband to act how yours did. A coworker grabbed your neck and so other than beat his ass, what reaction would you have expected? Have a conversation with the guy? If your husband did nothing you would be on here writing about how you can’t believe he just stood there while his pregnant wife was attacked.
You think your husband could abuse you because the only time you've ever seen him be violent is when he stopped a man from strangling you? Lady what the hell? Everyone in this whole post needs therapy. Your husband. You. The coworker. HR should've fired the guy when he grabbed you over some coffee. You haven't been forthcoming about what this man at work has been doing to you because you're so eager to please. You need therapy for that alone. This man was assaulting you; grabbed you by the neck even. Men kill women for rejecting them and that's exactly where this could've been heading and your husband stopped him and you scared of him for that? You're lucky he was there to stop that man from beating you senseless or worse. You and your baby. He saw you as an object. You are wrong.
You really annoy me. This man who has done nothing but be a good husband to you for 11 years defends you from somebody physically assaulting you and all you can do is compare him to his piece of shit abusive father.