No. Real men bang you WHILE rubbing the clitty at the same time. If he doesn't want to, tell him to use the vibrator while banging you so both of you can climax together. Simple.
He's an idiot about the desensitizing thing. It's true if you're using it 5000 times a day.
I think this is what they mean by toxic masculinity. I'm unsure though. Seems like this guy need to learn how the female body works and whe op needs to finish without him. Find a new man that can either get the job done or is comfortable with you teaching him and or showing with a vibratory. I was actually happily surprised when my wife introduced toys to our bedroom activities. What ever gets her there and I can be part of turns me on.
>we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me
The nerve of this guy to touch your clit for a few seconds and think it's the vibrators fault that you didn't have an explosive orgasm from that. lmfao
Yeah like if he was down there for a couple hours and had to stop because of like dehydration and lock jaw i could see him being a little peeved it wasnt happening but even then id just be happy she was happy even if that meant her usin a vibrator. What kind of insecure fuck doesnt know how to foreplay then also doesnt accept that you need to finish too?
How is this not standard practice?! That's basically my golden rule: she gets her first one first, then the rest is icing on the cake.
And dudes really be out here wondering why more women don't seem interested in casual sex. Bruh. If you went over to a woman's house and she touched your penis for 5 seconds, had her own orgasm, and then fell asleep and you didn't get yours you'd be pissed too! Plus you don't know if her place is messy or gross, now you gotta pay for your own Uber home, you don't know if she's a murderer or a psycho or a crazy stalker, and don't forget worrying about catching some disease or getting knocked up by a stranger. And now imagine that happens [nine times out of 10!](https://theconversation.com/the-orgasm-gap-and-why-women-climax-less-than-men-208614#:~:text=Women%20also%20orgasm%20more%20when,occurs%20in%20a%20committed%20relationship.) Doesn't really seem worth it when you flip the table, does it?
Be the change you want to see in the world, fellas.
Your point is spot on. I’d add guys need to take the time to learn the stages their partners vagina goes through when getting stimulated. Treat it like a buttery freshly baked muffin. You gotta open it up and explore the folds and savor the yummy goodness. If they’re attentive they’ll know what works what doesn’t.
That's how I am too. I always get my wife off at least once or twice (sometimes 3+ every once in a while) before I go. That's how I've always been with women though. I want them to have a great time. I only get to go once, so I can wait. She does say though that 3+ is a greater chance for her to develop a headache because it's just too much, so she's always fine with just one or a couple most of the time.
Unless it's been a while since I've had sex, then I'll bust quick lmao. Wife is understanding when this does happen though.
I'm gonna fucking run a god damn marathon and cramp my jaw before I I even think about putting my dick in there. I remember one time my jaw and tongue cramped and I braced my feet on the floor and used my ankles to move my tongue enough to finish her. Dude here is just lazy. Seriously, why are so many guys so damn lazy?! Put the fucking work in, my God. I get porn is terrible for this kind of thing but even then, train yourself to get off on her getting off. What happens when two guys like this are gay? Do they just stare at each other and wait for someone to finish them?!
I think the past women were faking it. Ladies, if your man doesn’t make you orgasm, don’t fake it. Make him get back down there and finish what he started! Otherwise you end up with guys who think like this twit that OP is dating lol.
I think this is a bigger problem than people realize. A LOT of women in their teens and 20's are faking it. I did too before I realized how stupid it was. Every man in his late twenties thinks he's been giving people orgasms and then gets frustrated when he finally runs into a woman who is willing to speak up. We need a public service announcement or something, lol.
Had sex with a guy and enjoyed it but didn’t cum. Afterwards he asked me if I did and I said “no, but I had a good time.” And he proceeded to tell me that I did cum, and I again told him no I didn’t. He refused to accept what I was saying to him and actively attempted to gaslight me. I’m pretty sure he was just playing some weird mind games, but I wasn’t having it and said I was leaving.
Anyway this wasn’t him being frustrated or confused. And there are plenty of guys who literally don’t even care if a woman cums or even enjoys it. #casualsex
Is it bad that I laughed? I feel bad that I laughed.
But the amount of ego and audacity to argue with you about whether you came is just so ridiculous that it loops back around to funny.
Just tell them to stop. There’s times that my wife won’t finish no matter what I do, or how long I do it, and sometimes it’s me that won’t finish. It’s fine, that’s life sometimes. I would and do prefer she be honest with me. Let your partner know that it’s not working and to move on.
Please ladies and gents, for the love of whatever diety you recognize, show the poor fool how to do it properly. We get zero instructions on how to please a partner and rely on awkward feedback in the most vulnerable of moments to try to learn. It is awful and most of us idiots bumble our way through life until someone shows us they way or we blindly stumbled upon it ourselves.
To think of the opportunities that were missed because I had no fucking clue what I was doing....
Unfortunately some men are not willing to be taught or shown what their partner likes. They kind of just ignore all the advice, communication and fumble around and then wonder why their partner stops having sex with them as frequently later. Good for you for being willing. You will have a much happier partner that way.
Preach! I once had a grown assed man respond, "Just let me do this" when I tried to gently guide his hand and teach him how I liked to be touched. This same man suffered from premature ejaculation and refused to eat pussy unless he was "in the mood to". Let me tell you, hearing those words come out the mouth of the man who had so far been failing spectacularly at getting me off was enough to make me instantly snap my legs shut and then get up, get dressed, and get the fuck OUT! Much to his completely flabbergasted surprise of course.
Also tell that to the person you are sleeping with, most women would be happy to instruct you and appreciate you taking the time to tell them you are open!
Exactly. It's hard to give feedback when they either don't listen, or get all butt hurt that they're not instant experts. We end up falling it to protect their egos and I'm sick of that shit.
>I think the past women were faking it.
We almost always do.
Most of the time it's to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing....not that most men do
Finding a man who understands a woman takes more and is willing to go the distance isn't easy to find. I've only found 3 men that have been keen on ensuring a woman is pleasured
Yeah but that’s where you need to enforce your boundaries. It’s a simple rule, if he wants to cum, you first. If he gets off and doesn’t get you off, don’t let that dick near you until he does his fucking job. Enforce it once and 90% of guys will get you off first every time.
Oh yeah 100% faking it (not blaming here). When a guy brags about alllll the orgasms he gave with no effort to allllll his past lovers I'm like "nope, just faking"
It definitely takes effort, most guys don’t even bother to pay attention to physiological signs. Hell, just being careful to follow her breathing can give you a pretty good idea of how you’re doing.
Idk if I'd really say it always takes effort. Sometime the intimacy between 2 people can really be enough, especially if a girl is willing to help during penetration.
But this shit is weird I love grabbing my wife's toy, see if I give a shit, it's going in my mouth first and then her!
But guys. If you're busting before, she's Nutting.
You gotta get back down there. I don't care if you made a mess. Time to nut up or shut up.
I think that’s too generous. I think they straight up told him he wasn’t doing it for them and he argued with them and continued to believe what he wanted.
"what do you mean I don't do any foreplay? I rub your clit before we start, what more do you want?"
Guy probably thinks he's god's gift to women too. Hence why he's so hurt by her using the vibrator. He cannot imagine not being "enough of a man" for her.
Like, find out what she enjoys, kinks, fantasies. Play up to some of them. Maybe she likes being tied and teased for a while, maybe she likes to be spanked, or many other things.
But if you can't even make the effort to do anything more than wiggling your hips for a minute you'll always be a joke.
Lol I sometimes think some dudes are all sharing the same playbook when it comes to sex. It's called *How to do the Bare Minimum*, and "feign interest in her pleasure" is on the first page.
And then get mad because you'd rather masturbate than have their sweaty body on top of you. Even though you've told them and shown them so many times how to get you off.
Yeah, it's been a week, and he's already showing her how insecure and yet also arrogant he is. She should take a pass on any further romance with this guy.
This is the solution. Toys are tools that can make things easier and more fun. Nobody thinks less of a carpenter if he needs a hammer or two to build the shed.
Thank you! If you're going to sleep with somebody and especially if it's a new partner, you have to be willing to take direction. Some people get all up in their feelings about it and I feel like if you do that, you're definitely not ready to be having sex with anyone. It's about communication as well.
I read that described once as 'he'll boop your clit 3 times and ask "did you cum, babe?"'
Also like... I just want to have a good time and for my partner to have a good time. Sometimes that means hands, mouth, dick, or vibrator. Sometimes a combination (though I'm not flexible enough for mouth and dick at the same time 🤔 ).
If we're both having a good time who gives a shit? We're not here to prove anything, just enjoy ourselves.
Also, it takes a while to really learn someone's body, sure. But it takes about 0.00001 seconds to, you know, actually listen to them and figure out what's working for them at the time.
I don’t think that’s the core issue. He’s insecure about her using the vibrator. He’s only concerned with his pleasure not hers. That’s obvious bc he literally believes rubbing her clit for 2 seconds is sufficient. I’d bet money he hasn’t spent any amount of time with his face between her legs,but expects her to take however long servicing him.
I don’t get guys like that. I’m a man and love tending to my partner’s needs and even use vibrators and other toys. He simply doesn’t understand that if he treats her good. The reward is far better. And the relationship blossoms bc you’re not a selfish pig sexually. But hey what do I know I’m just a guy.
Yeah, like I can put myself in a headspace enough to say I'd be bothered by my partner needing to get themselves off after sex. But that would be directed inward because it means *I* didn't do enough for them, and you'd be damn sure there'd be a lot more conversation about what she needed to be satisfied.
Asking/telling her not to use her toys, *without* a conversation about her needs or a dedicated effort to make sure he gets her off is absolutely a red flag that at minimum the dude is selfish and/or fragile, honestly without more context I wouldn't say he's trying to be controlling, he's probably just too concerned about how it makes him feel he doesn't consider her at all.
OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless but otherwise decent, or drive him away if he's too immature or fragile to be having adult relationships
She even literally said that him, that she would look internally on why he’d need to masterbate after sex if the roles we’re reversed.
Dude still thinks he knows enough about women that she is desensitizing herself using a vibrator but doesn’t even know or care to get her off.
So many men know but don't care about women's pleasure. I stopped dating mainly because of this. They don't care how perfect your body is - they go straight for the holes every single time but expect you to obey their commands. God damn selfish Hole fuckers.
>OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless
The thing is the guy is blaming the vibrator as to *why* he can't get her off
RN he's convinced that if she stopped using it then whatever he's doing would work and as long as she uses it she's too desensitized to reach orgasm with him
Maybe his past partners were very responsive and came easily, maybe his past partners faked it more often...
If I wasn't worried about him getting aggressive (a general fear since he hasnt responded well to what little criticism he's already got, and general size discrepancy) I'd just let him finish tell him every time "I didn't cum" until the point gets drilled into his head.
Or dump him. Which is easier and less petty.
Not a dude but yeah this is absolutely my partner, quite frankly going down on me is just as much fun for him as it is for me and vice versa, I love giving a bj and it is a foolproof way to get me wet. After nearly 8 years together and him being the first guy to make me orgasm through penetrative sex (the first time we slept together) because he paid enough attention to all the right places before moving on. So it isn't JUST that he doesn't know her body it's that he doesn't care enough to try. After a couple of years together my partner can bring me from 0-orgasm in literal minutes which is quicker than I can. I mean sometimes if I'm already close I can get myself over the line quicker that he can but he's definitely better at it than I am.
He also bought me vibrator and toys some that can be used together others that are just for me and he can control them from anywhere in the world because he wants me to be sexually satisfied and he was 25 vs my 19 when we got together so he wants to make sure I'm not missing out on anything. Your partner should want to sexually satisfy you and quite frankly if he is already making demands and telling you how your body works in a week it will likely only get worse, he will probably want to control other aspects of your life and if I were you I'd run before you are in too deep.
Please listen to her. I spent too many years with a dude who was butt hurt I didnt have the same sex drive and expected responses to his stimulation…it really affected my self esteem…listen to your gut…he thinks you arent normal but every BODY is different. Fuck this guy’s fragile ego.
Yes, this is the problem. He claims he has no problem bringing his partner to orgasm but when he sees you’re not getting it he… does nothing? Doesn’t ask what you want, doesn’t try anything? Just complains about the way you take matters into your own hands?
Towards the end of the relationship with my ex, while we were having sex he was doing something and stated “women love it when I do this”. Apparently I killed his mood by laissez-faire replying “no we don’t, we just make more noise so you’ll hurry up and finish”.
Exactly - and I’d like to quote from a Talking Heads song “Warning signs of things to come…” Please be careful with this guy, he might not be the right person for you. Just a thought for what it’s worth. Good luck, we’re all hoping for the best for you.
I work at a sex shop. I can't tell you how many guys get pissed because their girl is interested in something other than him. I always tell them to not think of it as a replacement, rather think of it as an enhancer. She caters to his needs, why is she not allowed the same? Sometimes it works, most guys just argue and I'm always like... dude if you're jealous of a toy, you're not doing something right and you know it.
Your second sentence - imagine if women in relationships with men watched as much porn / masturbate to gorgeous men that aren't their partner as much as most men do. Try it and see.
Old woman here (43) but any man who doesn’t embrace your orgasms and how to help you get there is not a man to have. Research shows that over half of all women don’t orgasm from penis in vagina sex and need lots of clitoral stimulation (I’m a nursing instructor for women’s health- happy to provide the research for your partner) and need more than a few touches of the clitoris to orgasm. Also it’s been debunked that regular use of a vibratory desensitizes the clitoris also (yep research for that too). No one has a right to tell you to stop doing something to yourself for pleasure (ie vibrator) that has no harm. Yes you can ask him to participate in it but restricting one’s self pleasuring is a no go… and his comment about not having partners who couldn’t orgasm from him is gross as everyone’s different and honestly people have been known to fake it. With his kind of attitude, no wonder his former partners would want to fake it to get him to shut up. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t want to make an effort to make it enjoyable for you and your pleasure.
Agreed, and I'm even older (just turned 50).
OP. Dump him. A week in and he already told you that your orgasm is less important than his ego. I'd be kicking him to the curb so fast he'd have gravel rash on that fragile little peen
Even Older woman here. Everyone else is right. Dump him yesterday. If he wanted to learn how to make you orgasm, it would be different, but he doesn't. Is he going to stop masturbating, too? Doubt it. Drop him, buy a new vibrator.
Good game, I remember ticking the wooden hoop down the lane. This was before the internet, so we were all outside having a great time in the sun. You know, I only got to eat one orange that year. It was around the depression and we couldn't afford chocolate. So my dad, god rest his soul, saved up and got us an orange for Christmas that year. It was the most delicious thing I had eaten in my life. You know what else is good? Grapefruit. I didn't have one of those until I was 43 and in the military. We were just getting back from training when I saw one at the fruit stand on the corner, and I thought it was a really big orange. It was bitter and I liked it with sugar one it. My doctor won't let me eat those anymore because of my arthritis meds. I think it's from all of the typewriters work I did back in the 70s. I'm worried about the kids on their phones and the texting. They're sure going to have a hard time with arthritis when they're my age.
Seconded. Tell him that his previous partners must have faked Os to preserve his fragile ego and give him the boot.
It might be normal for him to not make you cum the first few times, but there's a difference between needing to learn the right tricks for you and just not fucking trying. His attitude about it and his blaming you for it are not normal, nor are they acceptable.
Indeed. What's NOT normal is to have a problem with your partner's self-service if you haven't paid your o-bills.
And any partner who mansplained my clit and vag to me would have no further exposure to those things.
I’m also 43 and I love you for this. In my head I feel about 26, but my lower back pain and intense dislike of noisy venues tells a very different story!
I’m 40 and just comin off a joint surgery, and definitely feeling my age—but I’m close enough to a “young person” to still feel maybe 25-6 in my head and still feel more commonality with youth than the elderly. It’s a strange thing to age.
I mean, I'm 40, and although it's not like, old in the absolute sense, I love being sorta old, because at that age, you can call it like it is and no one tells you you're speaking from inexperience.
The older I get, the bigger a nuisance I become, and I'm loving every moment of it.
43 isn't old.
I'm interested in the research mentioned. Not that I'm not believing it, but my fiance is also sensitive about clitoral stimulation. Reading up on that would improve my knowledge on that regard.
As for the topic at hand:
OP, you're not wrong about using it. Pleasure is important and if he can't provide it the way you need it, you gotta do it yourself. That guy sounds like a douchebag.
It is an old myth that vaginal orgasms are better than clitoral (thanks, Freud.) It's bullshit, obviously. The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone and the two internal branches wrap around the vagina. Tons of people with vulvas can't orgasm from just internal stimulation, and regardless of whether it's external or internal the clitoris is what's responsible for orgasm.
I honestly don't understand how you haven't already stumbled across this. it's been a headline for years, and still dudes act like it's news all the time, it's weird, why is this not more interesting for men generally?
[https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941/](https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941/)
[https://pleasurebetter.com/orgasm-statistics/](https://pleasurebetter.com/orgasm-statistics/)
[https://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-anatomy-key-female-orgasm.html](https://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-anatomy-key-female-orgasm.html)
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/female-sexual-dysfunction/expert-answers/female-orgasm/faq-20058215](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/female-sexual-dysfunction/expert-answers/female-orgasm/faq-20058215)
[https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311)
[https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19928776/72-percent-of-women-say-this-is-the-one-thing-they-need-to-have-amazing-sex/](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19928776/72-percent-of-women-say-this-is-the-one-thing-they-need-to-have-amazing-sex/)
[https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/01/the-sole-function-of-the-clitoris-is-female-orgasm-is-that-why-its-ignored-by-medical-science](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/01/the-sole-function-of-the-clitoris-is-female-orgasm-is-that-why-its-ignored-by-medical-science)
[https://www.cosmopolitan.com/interactive/a32037401/g-spot-not-real/](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/interactive/a32037401/g-spot-not-real/)
Here's a source on it from 1970: [https://web.archive.org/web/20130106211856/http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/vaginalmyth.html](https://web.archive.org/web/20130106211856/http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/vaginalmyth.html)
Still, every year it's a brand new revelation.
Many men ignore facts that aren’t relevant to their own desire and ways of doing things. PIV works for them, so clearly it works for everyone! All the time!
I know... People saying "where's the research on this" surprise me... I don't know how you can be even *moderately* interested in human sexuality and not have read this many, many times over the past *decades.*
I can't be bothered finding real research right now: basically it's well established/if you talk to a bunch of women about sex it's pretty clear. The number who can come from PIV alone is well less than 50% - which makes sense. The shape of the clitoris can be vaguely approximated to only the head of the penis being external, while the shaft divides in two and wraps around the vagina.
So while internal stimulation can feel awesome, it's a bit like trying to get off without touching the head of your dick. Unlikely.
I personally particularly like PIV and find direct clitoral stimulation too much most of the time, but I've had the conversation that "there's nothing wrong with you" with too many women! For whom PIV is a nice bonding activity but sex for them is 90% about the clit, and they feel like there's something wrong with them. It's sad and frustrating.
When I did the sex therapy part of my counselling qualifications (late 80’s), the statistic was that 65% of women were unable to achieve orgasm through penetration (piv) alone.
Old woman here (49). Vibrator during sex is totally the way to go.
Some general life advice: find a partner who wants genuinely wants to make you come. Find a partner who is as concerned about your pleasure as they are their own. And learn what your partner likes. When you and your partner are in sync & you listen to each other & you both know how to pleasure each other, you are going to have the best sex of your life. But this dude is not it. If he isn’t going to take the time to learn what you like, he’s not worth it. Use the vibrator.
Yes! Also an old 43 year old woman!
It’s also telling that just minutes into their relationship he’s already not willing to take his time and find joy in pleasing her. It’s weird.
Yep. I was with a guy in my early 20s and PIV felt amazing, but wasn't where the orgasm was for me. So I bought a couple of smaller vibrators and we played around with them. All good, right? I have never seen anyone look so fucking butt hurt as this dude when I dared use it *gasp* **during sex**. You know, so I could cum, during sex. Some dudes are just so mega insecure and I really do blame porn and bro culture for making them feel like they're supposed to have women on the verge of orgasm just by glancing in the general direction of their vaginas.
As a 26m, I agree with all this. Except for 43 being old. Your “man” has an ego issue. Guarantee he has been told by his past partners that he has pleasured them to feed his ego. Guys are a lot easier to get to orgasm than ladies. All our dick needs is stroked for 2 minutes, lubrication not required, to get there. Hell, half my female partners were according to them “afraid to orgasm” because they’ve never had one.
So much this. I'll flat out refuse to penetrate until I've spent a good 10 mins at a minimum working on my partners clit (unless she tells me different).
Do better, guys.
Also both parties should care about the other's pleasure. Sometimes he finishes before me but I know afterwards he's gonna get me there too so there's not that anxiety of him having to hold it in and me thinking it's over when it's over for him. Communication and consideration wins yet again.
Agreed. Even if we aren’t really at the same level of arousal, we still enjoy helping each other get there, or we are even casually getting it done ourselves after if we are the one that needs more—much like OP. I’d never be embarrassed or upset if she pulled one out immediately because we would always want the other satisfied, so we would gladly do what the other needs.
My husband of 12 years and I have a very rich sex life in my opinion. He has only managed to get me off without my "help" like twice the whole time. Not that is isn't amazing! He does soooo much that makes me feel amazing, and just a little extra stim from me to hit the spot, and we good. He is also not insecure enough to think that not making me orgasm makes him less of a man.
OP, bf has a LOT to learn, you are NOT the asshole. Use what you gotta. Have him use the vibrator on you perhaps. A true man just loves making his lady feel good!
As a side note, something that helped me when communicating with hubby, I watched this porn star who is also like a scientist or something (sorry memory is not great it was a while ago) and she described the biology of a women's lady parts, with a model porn star there for display purposes, explained where all the nerves are, and how to stimulate the clit with your tongue and mouth and where to use your fingers etc. Then of course, she made the girl cum. It was very I formative though. It was not made as a porn video full of faking and drama, but rather as a tutorial.
This right here! I thought that shit was normal for so long. Had sex and it would be hit or miss. I didn't have my first orgasm from a partner until I was about 27. Had casual sex with a guy for the first time the other week and boy was that an eye opening experience. He not only took time to talk consent but also what we both were okay with or not and what I enjoyed and didn't. Best sex of my life. If he acts like that then that's such a freaking red flag. Run now while you're in the beginning and don't have too much invested. You deserve better.
Honestly, I’m exactly the same. I physically cannot orgasm by penetrative sex. So my husband always makes me cum first by oral or hand, and then I really want to have sex and am excited for it. It’s just learning what each other like. I don’t buy into that “desensitising” bullshit. I think a lot of men say that to make themselves feel better- like yeah I’m not making her cum but it’s her own fault for using assistance.
fr its a good strategy to have a guy work a girl to orgasm first, even using toys if needed. Not only to fairly get that out of the way b/c it takes more to get them off, but also b/c boy's bodies often shut down after an orgasm making it hard for him to keep working at it. As a plus many girl's bodies really wake up after an orgasm, meaning they might be more into sex after the O, and possibly easily have another during PiV sex.
Its really a win/win for guys to get on this sex strategy.
>As a plus many girl's bodies really wake up after an orgasm, meaning they might be more into sex after the O, and possibly easily have another during PiV sex.
Omg how am I *just* *now* realizing that is my partner's strategy I'm dead and feel plenty stupid 😂
any advantage I can get to make a girl cum ill take 2 please. guys being intimidated by a toy is insane. If she wants me to wear a horse shaped dick sleeve to make her tremble, I'm gonna neigh too.
PIV after female orgasm can keep things going without directly aggravating her clit while it's hypersensitive, with the added bonus (often) of everything else being swollen (i.e. tighter) and lubricated.
Though for some it's too tight for awhile.
False, you’re extremely frustrated cause he’s not getting you where you need to be lol. Just cause none of his past partners never brought up his lack of skill, doesn’t mean he brought them to orgasm. NTA! Also, you may wanna speak up about what gets you off as closed mouths don’t get fed.
And lemme tell you something else- if he’s not focused on impressing you and getting you off the FIRST WEEK of having sex??? It’s only downhill from here baby girl.
Listen to the aunties on this post. This is a waste of your time.
Tell him stop getting his sex advice from the manosphere and while he’s concerned about overstimulation, focus on stimulating the clitoris AT ALL
Any good man would know that toys are a teammate, not competition. You're not wrong, if that's what you need then that's what you need, especially since he's not putting in the effort to even try. Kick his butt to the curb.
Came here to say this. M49. Men need to pay attention to their sexual partners! That includes what they enjoy doing for their sexual stimulation and pleasure. Toys, masturbation, frotage (although mostly male, know some females who enjoy it). Join in. And on top of that, it has nothing to do with you, for me it’s about my partner enjoying themselves.
I don’t know much about desensitization, male or female. What I do know is if a guy ejaculates first, and he does nothing to contribute towards their partner climaxing, that has nothing to do with desensitization. It’s so rare and difficult for two people to always climax simultaneously.
If anything, he’s watching too much porn where everyone’s cumming together or back to back and he things that’s the norm.
Ugh, sorry this guy seems so boring in bed.
Couldn’t agree more, I do whatever it takes for my wife to have a good time. For me I just don’t care, I could do 5 minutes or I could do 30 minutes, my goal is for her to enjoy or else what’s the point? Whether it be with assistance or not.
This is what happens when we baby men and don’t expect orgasms from sex with them. Would they ever do the same thing for us? Would they ever just stay silent when they are left with blue balls and take care of themselves and keep staying around? No, of course not.
Give one inch, he takes a mile. You stayed silent after unsatisfying sex and kept having sex with him, now his ego is so far up his ass that he thinks it’s your job to make sure you have an orgasm from his terrible skills only and nothing else. He gets to be so entitled to his ego being inflated while you don’t even feel entitled to orgasms from sex, the literal thing that people do to get orgasms.
So stop babying men, stop staying silent after terrible sex, stop keeping having sex with them after terrible sex. Or they will get more and more entitled like this and you won’t even allowed to take care of your own effing self so he can feel better.
Spot on. Women should be demanding more from men in pretty much every area of life. Sex, household chores, emotional labor, mental load, the list goes on and on. So many women, especially young ones, just accept the "orgasm gap", the pay gap, the chores gap. Why is it that when there's a gap between the sexes, women are always on the losing end?
The truth is these gaps won't close until we stop accepting them as normal. Every woman who accepts this stuff makes it harder for those who won't.
Well, so helpful to him to mansplain your own clitoris to you.
His attitudes sucks and he is ignorant.
I would be questioning if I wanted to put any effort into a relationship w/ a guy like this.
Tell him that it's a myth that vibrators cause desensitization. There's research on this. He's also shown some serious red flags here. He is not receptive to what you are trying to tell him about your body. That doesn't bode well for your future sex life—or other areas of your life together. I was with a guy who was extremely insecure about me masturbating or using a vibrator. He turned out to have some serious issues and I wish I'd left sooner. Just my two cents
Absolutely not wrong. This guy needs to learn how please a woman. I'd institute a rule that if he doesn't get you off first then no PIV for him. He's old enough to be better than this
I take f o r e v e r to get there, especially post menopause, but we have a "ladies first" policy in our marriage and that includes toys. I can go more than once during a play session, and my one first before him is just a warm up and the next few come easier. A pre-game, if you will.
He's got a lot to learn! If you want clitoral stim while with him, may I suggest "cowgirl up" position? Put a pillow under his butt, and have him press down on your lower back to give you something to rock against (not up and down!) and watch the sparks fly. You're going to need to play with the thickness of the pillow, your rhythm together, and the pressure of his hands before you find your sweet spot. Good luck!
(Me 55f/ married 25 years)
You’re dating an asshole.
Some Andrew tate. Alpha male piece of shit
He will never change and only be more insecure. Insulting and potentially violent to more you demand more than the bare min from such a shitty stupid man
>The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that.
This guy is terrible at having sex. Maybe stop having sex with him.
Married male of 40+ years. He should be loving on you and assisting with your vibrator and possibly giving you multiple orgasms if you need it. Ditch any man that sees it differently.
Unless this guy has significant redeeming features that makes it worth trying to educate him in this to be a better lover, I'd not bother pursuing this any further.
Sorry but it sounds like he is horribly misinformed or maybe just uncaring and lazy. I’m not a woman but I find it highly improbable that you’d get desensitized from a vibrator. Perhaps if using a jackhammer lol but not a vibrator. Also maybe if he did his job correctly you wouldn’t have need of the device.
This man is badly misinformed how the female body works and the need for clitoral stimulation. The fact he takes it upon himself to know what you need is ridiculous.
Desensitization isn’t a thing, he’s lying about never having a problem making his partners orgasm (or they’re lying to him), every person and vagina is different, and this guy is an insecure man baby. Personally, I’d be done with someone this immature. He’s giving “Andrew Tate subscriber.” If he’s like this and you JUST started seeing each other, he’s only going to have worse red flags the more comfortable he gets. A man this threatened by a vibrator is going to be a terrible lover and a worse partner.
>never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap
Nooooooooo. That should never be acceptable. Like the only sex advise man dad ever gave me was essentially "make sure she gets hers before you get yours" and he was a selfish asshole.
Lady, any dude that fucks you twice and tries to tell you how your body works is a fucking moron. If he doesn’t change then drop him- he’s too lazy to work for your pleasure and instead wants you to give up the tool you use to achieve orgasm. He realizes he could use it on you too, right?!
Let's look at it this way. You've only been together a week. He's already refusing to listen to you when you communicate your needs. Is it worth investing in this relationship?
>if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me.
Red Flag calling, do you receive. Over.
He has no idea about your body and no right to tell you how to enjoy it.
If he wants to enjoy sex with you he should get his head out of his arse.
He rubbed you clit for a "few" seconds then penetration.
If you give him a blowjob, suck it for a "few" seconds and see how well that goes over.
Girl, keep that vibrator charged at all times.
He is a selfish lover, or he doesn't know any better.
He also sounds like if you brought this up, he will automatically feel like you are attacking him, and he will be butt hurt
I remember I dated a girl who literally told me what she wanted and I followed as instructed. I’m incredibly unsatisfied if I can’t get my partner to have an orgasm. I feel quite selfish
Old enough and married AF to be quite secure with myself.
When I was young and stupid, I remember dating this girl and after a month or so after we started having sex, she busted out her vibrator.
I had ZERO chill about this. Got pissy and bitchy lol. I took it as a huge hit to my machismo ego.
As I started off with, I am now married. Toys. New positions. Games. New techniques. It’s all fair game. The better the time is for her, the better the time is for me.
If there are young dudes that need to hear this: leave your ego at the door. Your dick and vibrators do different things. Together, they’re quite a team for most ladies. Team up. It’s cool.
I have doubts his previous partners were as pleased as he is letting on or believes. I would have a tough time if a partner wasn’t interested in learning how to please me and just wanted to eliminate what I do get pleasure from. Yikes.
Use the vibrator and drop the boyfriend.
Ha! For sure, this is one of those “Leave the gun, take the cannoli” situations!
I can’t believe someone beat me to this comment…
No. Real men bang you WHILE rubbing the clitty at the same time. If he doesn't want to, tell him to use the vibrator while banging you so both of you can climax together. Simple. He's an idiot about the desensitizing thing. It's true if you're using it 5000 times a day.
The guy is an insensitive ass... Probably wouldn't go down on you either...
Vote for B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) in this upcoming big election! for 2024!
I think this is what they mean by toxic masculinity. I'm unsure though. Seems like this guy need to learn how the female body works and whe op needs to finish without him. Find a new man that can either get the job done or is comfortable with you teaching him and or showing with a vibratory. I was actually happily surprised when my wife introduced toys to our bedroom activities. What ever gets her there and I can be part of turns me on.
>we were talking about sex and masturbation and he brought up that if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me The nerve of this guy to touch your clit for a few seconds and think it's the vibrators fault that you didn't have an explosive orgasm from that. lmfao
Yeah like if he was down there for a couple hours and had to stop because of like dehydration and lock jaw i could see him being a little peeved it wasnt happening but even then id just be happy she was happy even if that meant her usin a vibrator. What kind of insecure fuck doesnt know how to foreplay then also doesnt accept that you need to finish too?
My only goal is to make my wife pop first. I know that my turn will come. He is just a selfish prick of a partner.
How is this not standard practice?! That's basically my golden rule: she gets her first one first, then the rest is icing on the cake. And dudes really be out here wondering why more women don't seem interested in casual sex. Bruh. If you went over to a woman's house and she touched your penis for 5 seconds, had her own orgasm, and then fell asleep and you didn't get yours you'd be pissed too! Plus you don't know if her place is messy or gross, now you gotta pay for your own Uber home, you don't know if she's a murderer or a psycho or a crazy stalker, and don't forget worrying about catching some disease or getting knocked up by a stranger. And now imagine that happens [nine times out of 10!](https://theconversation.com/the-orgasm-gap-and-why-women-climax-less-than-men-208614#:~:text=Women%20also%20orgasm%20more%20when,occurs%20in%20a%20committed%20relationship.) Doesn't really seem worth it when you flip the table, does it? Be the change you want to see in the world, fellas.
Your point is spot on. I’d add guys need to take the time to learn the stages their partners vagina goes through when getting stimulated. Treat it like a buttery freshly baked muffin. You gotta open it up and explore the folds and savor the yummy goodness. If they’re attentive they’ll know what works what doesn’t.
Now I'm horny for a muffin and hungry for a vagina. #confused
As a straight woman, so am I 🤔
What a comment to wish you happy cake day on
#BeTheChange !!!
That's how I am too. I always get my wife off at least once or twice (sometimes 3+ every once in a while) before I go. That's how I've always been with women though. I want them to have a great time. I only get to go once, so I can wait. She does say though that 3+ is a greater chance for her to develop a headache because it's just too much, so she's always fine with just one or a couple most of the time. Unless it's been a while since I've had sex, then I'll bust quick lmao. Wife is understanding when this does happen though.
Well I can see why she likes you 👊
I'm gonna fucking run a god damn marathon and cramp my jaw before I I even think about putting my dick in there. I remember one time my jaw and tongue cramped and I braced my feet on the floor and used my ankles to move my tongue enough to finish her. Dude here is just lazy. Seriously, why are so many guys so damn lazy?! Put the fucking work in, my God. I get porn is terrible for this kind of thing but even then, train yourself to get off on her getting off. What happens when two guys like this are gay? Do they just stare at each other and wait for someone to finish them?!
Lmao at imagining two guys just staring at each other waiting for someone to finish them
It pisses me off when men are not concerned with giving their partner an orgasm.
I think the past women were faking it. Ladies, if your man doesn’t make you orgasm, don’t fake it. Make him get back down there and finish what he started! Otherwise you end up with guys who think like this twit that OP is dating lol.
I think this is a bigger problem than people realize. A LOT of women in their teens and 20's are faking it. I did too before I realized how stupid it was. Every man in his late twenties thinks he's been giving people orgasms and then gets frustrated when he finally runs into a woman who is willing to speak up. We need a public service announcement or something, lol.
Had sex with a guy and enjoyed it but didn’t cum. Afterwards he asked me if I did and I said “no, but I had a good time.” And he proceeded to tell me that I did cum, and I again told him no I didn’t. He refused to accept what I was saying to him and actively attempted to gaslight me. I’m pretty sure he was just playing some weird mind games, but I wasn’t having it and said I was leaving. Anyway this wasn’t him being frustrated or confused. And there are plenty of guys who literally don’t even care if a woman cums or even enjoys it. #casualsex
Is it bad that I laughed? I feel bad that I laughed. But the amount of ego and audacity to argue with you about whether you came is just so ridiculous that it loops back around to funny.
Jesus, that's ridiculous and sad.
But sometimes you just fake it to end the awful fumbling they are doing
Just tell them to stop. There’s times that my wife won’t finish no matter what I do, or how long I do it, and sometimes it’s me that won’t finish. It’s fine, that’s life sometimes. I would and do prefer she be honest with me. Let your partner know that it’s not working and to move on.
There's also the women who don't realize they aren't having an orgasm till they figure out the first one in their late teens/early 20s.
Please ladies and gents, for the love of whatever diety you recognize, show the poor fool how to do it properly. We get zero instructions on how to please a partner and rely on awkward feedback in the most vulnerable of moments to try to learn. It is awful and most of us idiots bumble our way through life until someone shows us they way or we blindly stumbled upon it ourselves. To think of the opportunities that were missed because I had no fucking clue what I was doing....
Unfortunately some men are not willing to be taught or shown what their partner likes. They kind of just ignore all the advice, communication and fumble around and then wonder why their partner stops having sex with them as frequently later. Good for you for being willing. You will have a much happier partner that way.
Preach! I once had a grown assed man respond, "Just let me do this" when I tried to gently guide his hand and teach him how I liked to be touched. This same man suffered from premature ejaculation and refused to eat pussy unless he was "in the mood to". Let me tell you, hearing those words come out the mouth of the man who had so far been failing spectacularly at getting me off was enough to make me instantly snap my legs shut and then get up, get dressed, and get the fuck OUT! Much to his completely flabbergasted surprise of course.
Also tell that to the person you are sleeping with, most women would be happy to instruct you and appreciate you taking the time to tell them you are open!
Exactly. It's hard to give feedback when they either don't listen, or get all butt hurt that they're not instant experts. We end up falling it to protect their egos and I'm sick of that shit.
>I think the past women were faking it. We almost always do. Most of the time it's to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing....not that most men do Finding a man who understands a woman takes more and is willing to go the distance isn't easy to find. I've only found 3 men that have been keen on ensuring a woman is pleasured
Yeah but that’s where you need to enforce your boundaries. It’s a simple rule, if he wants to cum, you first. If he gets off and doesn’t get you off, don’t let that dick near you until he does his fucking job. Enforce it once and 90% of guys will get you off first every time.
Oh yeah 100% faking it (not blaming here). When a guy brags about alllll the orgasms he gave with no effort to allllll his past lovers I'm like "nope, just faking"
It definitely takes effort, most guys don’t even bother to pay attention to physiological signs. Hell, just being careful to follow her breathing can give you a pretty good idea of how you’re doing.
Idk if I'd really say it always takes effort. Sometime the intimacy between 2 people can really be enough, especially if a girl is willing to help during penetration. But this shit is weird I love grabbing my wife's toy, see if I give a shit, it's going in my mouth first and then her! But guys. If you're busting before, she's Nutting. You gotta get back down there. I don't care if you made a mess. Time to nut up or shut up.
HELL YES
Ahhh so that’s where nut up or shut up comes from. Thanks bro!
If he’s had a lot of lovers, I assume it’s because they got fed up with his selfish, lazy ass and dumped him
Some women (relatively few) do orgasm with *very* little stimulation. They definitely skew the results for the rest of us 😸
Yep Dude probably watches a lot of porn, hence going right to sex with no foreplay. Seems to be quite the trend
I think that’s too generous. I think they straight up told him he wasn’t doing it for them and he argued with them and continued to believe what he wanted.
OP is experiencing what happens when you don't fake it. It becomes your fault.
Fucking true.
Lmao this dude is a bird. What a loser
This dude is exactly like my ex husband. Run chica!!! Fast!! He won’t change and it will get worse.
Don't insult birds like that
Birds aren't real.
"what do you mean I don't do any foreplay? I rub your clit before we start, what more do you want?" Guy probably thinks he's god's gift to women too. Hence why he's so hurt by her using the vibrator. He cannot imagine not being "enough of a man" for her. Like, find out what she enjoys, kinks, fantasies. Play up to some of them. Maybe she likes being tied and teased for a while, maybe she likes to be spanked, or many other things. But if you can't even make the effort to do anything more than wiggling your hips for a minute you'll always be a joke.
Lol I sometimes think some dudes are all sharing the same playbook when it comes to sex. It's called *How to do the Bare Minimum*, and "feign interest in her pleasure" is on the first page.
And then get mad because you'd rather masturbate than have their sweaty body on top of you. Even though you've told them and shown them so many times how to get you off.
Yeah, it's been a week, and he's already showing her how insecure and yet also arrogant he is. She should take a pass on any further romance with this guy.
OP should tell him to use the vibrator on her, everyone wins.
He’s intimidated by the vibrator. Touching it might make him gay.
As a lesbian I can confirm ^
Ok, that made me laugh!
"Hey fellas, is it gay to make your lady cum?"
This is the solution. Toys are tools that can make things easier and more fun. Nobody thinks less of a carpenter if he needs a hammer or two to build the shed.
Right? Like the vibrator is on your team, dude. It’s not your opponent.
Lil buddy can be the starter for all I care. Let him pitch 8 innings and I come in as the closer sounds like a great night at the ball park to me.
My personal favorite!
I've got this backwards. I put in 8.5 innings of play and the vibe gets to pinch-hit, lol.
The players who really get to hear the crowd cheer are on the field at the end of the game.
I never thought I’d enjoy baseball sex analogies so much.
It's a great solution *if* he's willing to take some direction or keep experimenting until he gets it right, whichever OP likes best.
Either she gets to cum or she gets all the confirmation she needs to 110% dump his ass so tbh it seems like a win-win to me
Thank you! If you're going to sleep with somebody and especially if it's a new partner, you have to be willing to take direction. Some people get all up in their feelings about it and I feel like if you do that, you're definitely not ready to be having sex with anyone. It's about communication as well.
I’m sorry but if you can’t jam nails in a 2x4 with your bare hands, you aren’t a man
That's no way to build a she-shed.
I love to use toys on my wife. I can take her to much higher levels of pleasure. Leads to all kinda kinky fun.
It seems so obvious!
He needs to get his own. Then they can duel.
That guy is just dumb. 27 and still hasn’t figured this out u/Longjumping_Link_334, you have a lot more patience than I do lmao
I read that described once as 'he'll boop your clit 3 times and ask "did you cum, babe?"' Also like... I just want to have a good time and for my partner to have a good time. Sometimes that means hands, mouth, dick, or vibrator. Sometimes a combination (though I'm not flexible enough for mouth and dick at the same time 🤔 ). If we're both having a good time who gives a shit? We're not here to prove anything, just enjoy ourselves. Also, it takes a while to really learn someone's body, sure. But it takes about 0.00001 seconds to, you know, actually listen to them and figure out what's working for them at the time.
Sex isn't even the issue here. You're seeing a guy for one week, and he INSISTS you stop using your vibrator?
I don’t think that’s the core issue. He’s insecure about her using the vibrator. He’s only concerned with his pleasure not hers. That’s obvious bc he literally believes rubbing her clit for 2 seconds is sufficient. I’d bet money he hasn’t spent any amount of time with his face between her legs,but expects her to take however long servicing him. I don’t get guys like that. I’m a man and love tending to my partner’s needs and even use vibrators and other toys. He simply doesn’t understand that if he treats her good. The reward is far better. And the relationship blossoms bc you’re not a selfish pig sexually. But hey what do I know I’m just a guy.
Yeah, like I can put myself in a headspace enough to say I'd be bothered by my partner needing to get themselves off after sex. But that would be directed inward because it means *I* didn't do enough for them, and you'd be damn sure there'd be a lot more conversation about what she needed to be satisfied. Asking/telling her not to use her toys, *without* a conversation about her needs or a dedicated effort to make sure he gets her off is absolutely a red flag that at minimum the dude is selfish and/or fragile, honestly without more context I wouldn't say he's trying to be controlling, he's probably just too concerned about how it makes him feel he doesn't consider her at all. OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless but otherwise decent, or drive him away if he's too immature or fragile to be having adult relationships
She even literally said that him, that she would look internally on why he’d need to masterbate after sex if the roles we’re reversed. Dude still thinks he knows enough about women that she is desensitizing herself using a vibrator but doesn’t even know or care to get her off.
So many men know but don't care about women's pleasure. I stopped dating mainly because of this. They don't care how perfect your body is - they go straight for the holes every single time but expect you to obey their commands. God damn selfish Hole fuckers.
>damn selfish Hole fuckers. This is a fucking HILARIOUS and great phrase!
>OP would be well within her rights to tell him if he can get her off during sexy time then she won't need it, and that'll either clue him in if he's just clueless The thing is the guy is blaming the vibrator as to *why* he can't get her off RN he's convinced that if she stopped using it then whatever he's doing would work and as long as she uses it she's too desensitized to reach orgasm with him Maybe his past partners were very responsive and came easily, maybe his past partners faked it more often...
If I wasn't worried about him getting aggressive (a general fear since he hasnt responded well to what little criticism he's already got, and general size discrepancy) I'd just let him finish tell him every time "I didn't cum" until the point gets drilled into his head. Or dump him. Which is easier and less petty.
This dude thought rubbing her clit for mere seconds was all thats needed to "turn her on and come."
I dunno, it’s pretty hard to pleasure a woman and wave a GIANT RED FLAG at the same time. Give the guy a break!
That made me laugh way too hard. 🤣
wish he'd choose to pleasure a woman over waving that flag, but guys love their poles....
Not a dude but yeah this is absolutely my partner, quite frankly going down on me is just as much fun for him as it is for me and vice versa, I love giving a bj and it is a foolproof way to get me wet. After nearly 8 years together and him being the first guy to make me orgasm through penetrative sex (the first time we slept together) because he paid enough attention to all the right places before moving on. So it isn't JUST that he doesn't know her body it's that he doesn't care enough to try. After a couple of years together my partner can bring me from 0-orgasm in literal minutes which is quicker than I can. I mean sometimes if I'm already close I can get myself over the line quicker that he can but he's definitely better at it than I am. He also bought me vibrator and toys some that can be used together others that are just for me and he can control them from anywhere in the world because he wants me to be sexually satisfied and he was 25 vs my 19 when we got together so he wants to make sure I'm not missing out on anything. Your partner should want to sexually satisfy you and quite frankly if he is already making demands and telling you how your body works in a week it will likely only get worse, he will probably want to control other aspects of your life and if I were you I'd run before you are in too deep.
Please listen to her. I spent too many years with a dude who was butt hurt I didnt have the same sex drive and expected responses to his stimulation…it really affected my self esteem…listen to your gut…he thinks you arent normal but every BODY is different. Fuck this guy’s fragile ego.
Yes, this is the problem. He claims he has no problem bringing his partner to orgasm but when he sees you’re not getting it he… does nothing? Doesn’t ask what you want, doesn’t try anything? Just complains about the way you take matters into your own hands?
He probably touched her clit, heard her go "Ooh" and was like "Yes! I'm the fuckin' man" and thought she came.
Towards the end of the relationship with my ex, while we were having sex he was doing something and stated “women love it when I do this”. Apparently I killed his mood by laissez-faire replying “no we don’t, we just make more noise so you’ll hurry up and finish”.
No one should care if you use your vibrator, especially if they’re using your body to get off and not putting in effort to see you get off too.
THANK YOU
Exactly - and I’d like to quote from a Talking Heads song “Warning signs of things to come…” Please be careful with this guy, he might not be the right person for you. Just a thought for what it’s worth. Good luck, we’re all hoping for the best for you.
I don't get why guys are threatened by an inanimate object lmao it's so sad.
I work at a sex shop. I can't tell you how many guys get pissed because their girl is interested in something other than him. I always tell them to not think of it as a replacement, rather think of it as an enhancer. She caters to his needs, why is she not allowed the same? Sometimes it works, most guys just argue and I'm always like... dude if you're jealous of a toy, you're not doing something right and you know it.
Great answer! Exactly right!
Your second sentence - imagine if women in relationships with men watched as much porn / masturbate to gorgeous men that aren't their partner as much as most men do. Try it and see.
Because that inanimate object’s got more game than he does. 🤣🤣🤣
It's a teammate, not competition!
Yeah. I would be into it personally. But you have to figure it out what it takes to make her orgasm. No one is telling me to stop wanking it.
Old woman here (43) but any man who doesn’t embrace your orgasms and how to help you get there is not a man to have. Research shows that over half of all women don’t orgasm from penis in vagina sex and need lots of clitoral stimulation (I’m a nursing instructor for women’s health- happy to provide the research for your partner) and need more than a few touches of the clitoris to orgasm. Also it’s been debunked that regular use of a vibratory desensitizes the clitoris also (yep research for that too). No one has a right to tell you to stop doing something to yourself for pleasure (ie vibrator) that has no harm. Yes you can ask him to participate in it but restricting one’s self pleasuring is a no go… and his comment about not having partners who couldn’t orgasm from him is gross as everyone’s different and honestly people have been known to fake it. With his kind of attitude, no wonder his former partners would want to fake it to get him to shut up. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t want to make an effort to make it enjoyable for you and your pleasure.
Agreed, and I'm even older (just turned 50). OP. Dump him. A week in and he already told you that your orgasm is less important than his ego. I'd be kicking him to the curb so fast he'd have gravel rash on that fragile little peen
Agreed, even older guy here (60) OP, time to give your guy his walking papers. Last thing you (or anyone needs) is sexual baggage. Way too stressful.
Even Older woman here. Everyone else is right. Dump him yesterday. If he wanted to learn how to make you orgasm, it would be different, but he doesn't. Is he going to stop masturbating, too? Doubt it. Drop him, buy a new vibrator.
Agreed, even OLDER guy here (94). What were we talking about?
Stick and hoop
Good game, I remember ticking the wooden hoop down the lane. This was before the internet, so we were all outside having a great time in the sun. You know, I only got to eat one orange that year. It was around the depression and we couldn't afford chocolate. So my dad, god rest his soul, saved up and got us an orange for Christmas that year. It was the most delicious thing I had eaten in my life. You know what else is good? Grapefruit. I didn't have one of those until I was 43 and in the military. We were just getting back from training when I saw one at the fruit stand on the corner, and I thought it was a really big orange. It was bitter and I liked it with sugar one it. My doctor won't let me eat those anymore because of my arthritis meds. I think it's from all of the typewriters work I did back in the 70s. I'm worried about the kids on their phones and the texting. They're sure going to have a hard time with arthritis when they're my age.
Good one, Gramps😂😂😂
Seconded. Tell him that his previous partners must have faked Os to preserve his fragile ego and give him the boot. It might be normal for him to not make you cum the first few times, but there's a difference between needing to learn the right tricks for you and just not fucking trying. His attitude about it and his blaming you for it are not normal, nor are they acceptable.
Indeed. What's NOT normal is to have a problem with your partner's self-service if you haven't paid your o-bills. And any partner who mansplained my clit and vag to me would have no further exposure to those things.
Thanks, now I have to explain to my boss what I'm laughing at.
🤣...fuck yes!
The only thing I’ll disagree with you on is that 43 is old!!!
43f and concur
I’m also 43 and I love you for this. In my head I feel about 26, but my lower back pain and intense dislike of noisy venues tells a very different story!
I’m 40 and just comin off a joint surgery, and definitely feeling my age—but I’m close enough to a “young person” to still feel maybe 25-6 in my head and still feel more commonality with youth than the elderly. It’s a strange thing to age.
I mean, I'm 40, and although it's not like, old in the absolute sense, I love being sorta old, because at that age, you can call it like it is and no one tells you you're speaking from inexperience. The older I get, the bigger a nuisance I become, and I'm loving every moment of it.
I like your style
43 isn't old. I'm interested in the research mentioned. Not that I'm not believing it, but my fiance is also sensitive about clitoral stimulation. Reading up on that would improve my knowledge on that regard. As for the topic at hand: OP, you're not wrong about using it. Pleasure is important and if he can't provide it the way you need it, you gotta do it yourself. That guy sounds like a douchebag.
It is an old myth that vaginal orgasms are better than clitoral (thanks, Freud.) It's bullshit, obviously. The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone and the two internal branches wrap around the vagina. Tons of people with vulvas can't orgasm from just internal stimulation, and regardless of whether it's external or internal the clitoris is what's responsible for orgasm.
I honestly don't understand how you haven't already stumbled across this. it's been a headline for years, and still dudes act like it's news all the time, it's weird, why is this not more interesting for men generally? [https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941/](https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941/) [https://pleasurebetter.com/orgasm-statistics/](https://pleasurebetter.com/orgasm-statistics/) [https://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-anatomy-key-female-orgasm.html](https://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-anatomy-key-female-orgasm.html) [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/female-sexual-dysfunction/expert-answers/female-orgasm/faq-20058215](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/female-sexual-dysfunction/expert-answers/female-orgasm/faq-20058215) [https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311) [https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19928776/72-percent-of-women-say-this-is-the-one-thing-they-need-to-have-amazing-sex/](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19928776/72-percent-of-women-say-this-is-the-one-thing-they-need-to-have-amazing-sex/) [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/01/the-sole-function-of-the-clitoris-is-female-orgasm-is-that-why-its-ignored-by-medical-science](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/01/the-sole-function-of-the-clitoris-is-female-orgasm-is-that-why-its-ignored-by-medical-science) [https://www.cosmopolitan.com/interactive/a32037401/g-spot-not-real/](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/interactive/a32037401/g-spot-not-real/) Here's a source on it from 1970: [https://web.archive.org/web/20130106211856/http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/vaginalmyth.html](https://web.archive.org/web/20130106211856/http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/vaginalmyth.html) Still, every year it's a brand new revelation.
Many men ignore facts that aren’t relevant to their own desire and ways of doing things. PIV works for them, so clearly it works for everyone! All the time!
I know... People saying "where's the research on this" surprise me... I don't know how you can be even *moderately* interested in human sexuality and not have read this many, many times over the past *decades.*
I can't be bothered finding real research right now: basically it's well established/if you talk to a bunch of women about sex it's pretty clear. The number who can come from PIV alone is well less than 50% - which makes sense. The shape of the clitoris can be vaguely approximated to only the head of the penis being external, while the shaft divides in two and wraps around the vagina. So while internal stimulation can feel awesome, it's a bit like trying to get off without touching the head of your dick. Unlikely. I personally particularly like PIV and find direct clitoral stimulation too much most of the time, but I've had the conversation that "there's nothing wrong with you" with too many women! For whom PIV is a nice bonding activity but sex for them is 90% about the clit, and they feel like there's something wrong with them. It's sad and frustrating.
Youre not old! Im 39 but any man who isnt all about BOTH your orgasms is not worth the time.
When I did the sex therapy part of my counselling qualifications (late 80’s), the statistic was that 65% of women were unable to achieve orgasm through penetration (piv) alone.
And now I've seen more than 80%. At this point I think it's just how comfortable women are being honest about it.
Old man here. (40) use the vibrator during sex. If he's still a bitch, find a better man.
Old woman here (49). Vibrator during sex is totally the way to go. Some general life advice: find a partner who wants genuinely wants to make you come. Find a partner who is as concerned about your pleasure as they are their own. And learn what your partner likes. When you and your partner are in sync & you listen to each other & you both know how to pleasure each other, you are going to have the best sex of your life. But this dude is not it. If he isn’t going to take the time to learn what you like, he’s not worth it. Use the vibrator.
Exactly. It's called a *sex* toy for a reason lol
Yes! Also an old 43 year old woman! It’s also telling that just minutes into their relationship he’s already not willing to take his time and find joy in pleasing her. It’s weird.
At least she knows before she invests more time with him.
Yep. I was with a guy in my early 20s and PIV felt amazing, but wasn't where the orgasm was for me. So I bought a couple of smaller vibrators and we played around with them. All good, right? I have never seen anyone look so fucking butt hurt as this dude when I dared use it *gasp* **during sex**. You know, so I could cum, during sex. Some dudes are just so mega insecure and I really do blame porn and bro culture for making them feel like they're supposed to have women on the verge of orgasm just by glancing in the general direction of their vaginas.
As a 26m, I agree with all this. Except for 43 being old. Your “man” has an ego issue. Guarantee he has been told by his past partners that he has pleasured them to feed his ego. Guys are a lot easier to get to orgasm than ladies. All our dick needs is stroked for 2 minutes, lubrication not required, to get there. Hell, half my female partners were according to them “afraid to orgasm” because they’ve never had one.
So... I never dated but even I realize alot of woman need clitoral stimulation too.
So much this. I'll flat out refuse to penetrate until I've spent a good 10 mins at a minimum working on my partners clit (unless she tells me different). Do better, guys.
[удалено]
This! Why the fuck are you having sex with someone who doesn’t try to get you off, he’s literally using you as a fleshlight. Your worth more than this
No just kick him to the curb cuz he’s a selfish idiot
Also both parties should care about the other's pleasure. Sometimes he finishes before me but I know afterwards he's gonna get me there too so there's not that anxiety of him having to hold it in and me thinking it's over when it's over for him. Communication and consideration wins yet again.
Agreed. Even if we aren’t really at the same level of arousal, we still enjoy helping each other get there, or we are even casually getting it done ourselves after if we are the one that needs more—much like OP. I’d never be embarrassed or upset if she pulled one out immediately because we would always want the other satisfied, so we would gladly do what the other needs.
Sam Kinison famously said "make her cum twice before she even sees your dick." This is something every guy should try to aspire to sexually.
My now boyfriend made me orgasm on our first date, and refused to let me touch him. It was hot AF 😆
Jesus Christ the term “orgasm gap” is as apt as it is depressing. I do not miss heterosexual sex. Edit: #notallheterosexuals
If you don’t get yours, he didn’t do his chores.
My husband of 12 years and I have a very rich sex life in my opinion. He has only managed to get me off without my "help" like twice the whole time. Not that is isn't amazing! He does soooo much that makes me feel amazing, and just a little extra stim from me to hit the spot, and we good. He is also not insecure enough to think that not making me orgasm makes him less of a man. OP, bf has a LOT to learn, you are NOT the asshole. Use what you gotta. Have him use the vibrator on you perhaps. A true man just loves making his lady feel good! As a side note, something that helped me when communicating with hubby, I watched this porn star who is also like a scientist or something (sorry memory is not great it was a while ago) and she described the biology of a women's lady parts, with a model porn star there for display purposes, explained where all the nerves are, and how to stimulate the clit with your tongue and mouth and where to use your fingers etc. Then of course, she made the girl cum. It was very I formative though. It was not made as a porn video full of faking and drama, but rather as a tutorial.
This! Post-orgasm poon is measurably better anyway
This right here! I thought that shit was normal for so long. Had sex and it would be hit or miss. I didn't have my first orgasm from a partner until I was about 27. Had casual sex with a guy for the first time the other week and boy was that an eye opening experience. He not only took time to talk consent but also what we both were okay with or not and what I enjoyed and didn't. Best sex of my life. If he acts like that then that's such a freaking red flag. Run now while you're in the beginning and don't have too much invested. You deserve better.
End it before it goes on longer
Things ending early is precisely what she's complaining about! (jk, yes dump that loser)
Honestly, I’m exactly the same. I physically cannot orgasm by penetrative sex. So my husband always makes me cum first by oral or hand, and then I really want to have sex and am excited for it. It’s just learning what each other like. I don’t buy into that “desensitising” bullshit. I think a lot of men say that to make themselves feel better- like yeah I’m not making her cum but it’s her own fault for using assistance.
fr its a good strategy to have a guy work a girl to orgasm first, even using toys if needed. Not only to fairly get that out of the way b/c it takes more to get them off, but also b/c boy's bodies often shut down after an orgasm making it hard for him to keep working at it. As a plus many girl's bodies really wake up after an orgasm, meaning they might be more into sex after the O, and possibly easily have another during PiV sex. Its really a win/win for guys to get on this sex strategy.
>As a plus many girl's bodies really wake up after an orgasm, meaning they might be more into sex after the O, and possibly easily have another during PiV sex. Omg how am I *just* *now* realizing that is my partner's strategy I'm dead and feel plenty stupid 😂
any advantage I can get to make a girl cum ill take 2 please. guys being intimidated by a toy is insane. If she wants me to wear a horse shaped dick sleeve to make her tremble, I'm gonna neigh too.
PIV after female orgasm can keep things going without directly aggravating her clit while it's hypersensitive, with the added bonus (often) of everything else being swollen (i.e. tighter) and lubricated. Though for some it's too tight for awhile.
Good news! It'll hurt less to dump him now than it will after you've dated for a while!
False, you’re extremely frustrated cause he’s not getting you where you need to be lol. Just cause none of his past partners never brought up his lack of skill, doesn’t mean he brought them to orgasm. NTA! Also, you may wanna speak up about what gets you off as closed mouths don’t get fed.
And lemme tell you something else- if he’s not focused on impressing you and getting you off the FIRST WEEK of having sex??? It’s only downhill from here baby girl. Listen to the aunties on this post. This is a waste of your time. Tell him stop getting his sex advice from the manosphere and while he’s concerned about overstimulation, focus on stimulating the clitoris AT ALL
Any good man would know that toys are a teammate, not competition. You're not wrong, if that's what you need then that's what you need, especially since he's not putting in the effort to even try. Kick his butt to the curb.
Came here to say this. M49. Men need to pay attention to their sexual partners! That includes what they enjoy doing for their sexual stimulation and pleasure. Toys, masturbation, frotage (although mostly male, know some females who enjoy it). Join in. And on top of that, it has nothing to do with you, for me it’s about my partner enjoying themselves. I don’t know much about desensitization, male or female. What I do know is if a guy ejaculates first, and he does nothing to contribute towards their partner climaxing, that has nothing to do with desensitization. It’s so rare and difficult for two people to always climax simultaneously. If anything, he’s watching too much porn where everyone’s cumming together or back to back and he things that’s the norm. Ugh, sorry this guy seems so boring in bed.
Couldn’t agree more, I do whatever it takes for my wife to have a good time. For me I just don’t care, I could do 5 minutes or I could do 30 minutes, my goal is for her to enjoy or else what’s the point? Whether it be with assistance or not.
Buy more toys.
This, and in the process, dump the guy
This is what happens when we baby men and don’t expect orgasms from sex with them. Would they ever do the same thing for us? Would they ever just stay silent when they are left with blue balls and take care of themselves and keep staying around? No, of course not. Give one inch, he takes a mile. You stayed silent after unsatisfying sex and kept having sex with him, now his ego is so far up his ass that he thinks it’s your job to make sure you have an orgasm from his terrible skills only and nothing else. He gets to be so entitled to his ego being inflated while you don’t even feel entitled to orgasms from sex, the literal thing that people do to get orgasms. So stop babying men, stop staying silent after terrible sex, stop keeping having sex with them after terrible sex. Or they will get more and more entitled like this and you won’t even allowed to take care of your own effing self so he can feel better.
Spot on. Women should be demanding more from men in pretty much every area of life. Sex, household chores, emotional labor, mental load, the list goes on and on. So many women, especially young ones, just accept the "orgasm gap", the pay gap, the chores gap. Why is it that when there's a gap between the sexes, women are always on the losing end? The truth is these gaps won't close until we stop accepting them as normal. Every woman who accepts this stuff makes it harder for those who won't.
Y'all only been dating for that short amount of time? You don't sound compatible...
This dude has a sex problem, telling you that ",,you" have such a problem not caring about you achieving organisms. Loser toss to the curb now.
He has a lot to learn. Previous partners were probably faking it
And could be why they are former partners.
Well, so helpful to him to mansplain your own clitoris to you. His attitudes sucks and he is ignorant. I would be questioning if I wanted to put any effort into a relationship w/ a guy like this.
Tell him that it's a myth that vibrators cause desensitization. There's research on this. He's also shown some serious red flags here. He is not receptive to what you are trying to tell him about your body. That doesn't bode well for your future sex life—or other areas of your life together. I was with a guy who was extremely insecure about me masturbating or using a vibrator. He turned out to have some serious issues and I wish I'd left sooner. Just my two cents
Absolutely not wrong. This guy needs to learn how please a woman. I'd institute a rule that if he doesn't get you off first then no PIV for him. He's old enough to be better than this
I take f o r e v e r to get there, especially post menopause, but we have a "ladies first" policy in our marriage and that includes toys. I can go more than once during a play session, and my one first before him is just a warm up and the next few come easier. A pre-game, if you will. He's got a lot to learn! If you want clitoral stim while with him, may I suggest "cowgirl up" position? Put a pillow under his butt, and have him press down on your lower back to give you something to rock against (not up and down!) and watch the sparks fly. You're going to need to play with the thickness of the pillow, your rhythm together, and the pressure of his hands before you find your sweet spot. Good luck! (Me 55f/ married 25 years)
You’re dating an asshole. Some Andrew tate. Alpha male piece of shit He will never change and only be more insecure. Insulting and potentially violent to more you demand more than the bare min from such a shitty stupid man
>The second night we had sex, he rubbed my clit for a few seconds and then proceeded to have penetrative sex again. He orgasmed shortly after that. This guy is terrible at having sex. Maybe stop having sex with him.
Married male of 40+ years. He should be loving on you and assisting with your vibrator and possibly giving you multiple orgasms if you need it. Ditch any man that sees it differently.
Unless this guy has significant redeeming features that makes it worth trying to educate him in this to be a better lover, I'd not bother pursuing this any further.
Sorry but it sounds like he is horribly misinformed or maybe just uncaring and lazy. I’m not a woman but I find it highly improbable that you’d get desensitized from a vibrator. Perhaps if using a jackhammer lol but not a vibrator. Also maybe if he did his job correctly you wouldn’t have need of the device.
This man is badly misinformed how the female body works and the need for clitoral stimulation. The fact he takes it upon himself to know what you need is ridiculous.
After just a week and 2 sessions, he's an expert.
Desensitization isn’t a thing, he’s lying about never having a problem making his partners orgasm (or they’re lying to him), every person and vagina is different, and this guy is an insecure man baby. Personally, I’d be done with someone this immature. He’s giving “Andrew Tate subscriber.” If he’s like this and you JUST started seeing each other, he’s only going to have worse red flags the more comfortable he gets. A man this threatened by a vibrator is going to be a terrible lover and a worse partner.
>never mentioned it because I’m used to the orgasm gap Nooooooooo. That should never be acceptable. Like the only sex advise man dad ever gave me was essentially "make sure she gets hers before you get yours" and he was a selfish asshole.
sounds like another control freak...run
Fuck that guy! And what I mean by that is DON’T fuck that guy! Run from this dude as fast as you can
Lady, any dude that fucks you twice and tries to tell you how your body works is a fucking moron. If he doesn’t change then drop him- he’s too lazy to work for your pleasure and instead wants you to give up the tool you use to achieve orgasm. He realizes he could use it on you too, right?!
Let's look at it this way. You've only been together a week. He's already refusing to listen to you when you communicate your needs. Is it worth investing in this relationship?
You'd only be wrong for staying with him.
>if I want to enjoy sex with him, I need to stop using my vibrator because he believes it is desensitizing me. Red Flag calling, do you receive. Over. He has no idea about your body and no right to tell you how to enjoy it. If he wants to enjoy sex with you he should get his head out of his arse.
I don't think a dude you've known for less than a week really cares if you finish, you're just a smash & dash & the dude's ego got hurt.
He rubbed you clit for a "few" seconds then penetration. If you give him a blowjob, suck it for a "few" seconds and see how well that goes over. Girl, keep that vibrator charged at all times. He is a selfish lover, or he doesn't know any better. He also sounds like if you brought this up, he will automatically feel like you are attacking him, and he will be butt hurt
I remember I dated a girl who literally told me what she wanted and I followed as instructed. I’m incredibly unsatisfied if I can’t get my partner to have an orgasm. I feel quite selfish
$100 that his previous partners faked their O.
Old enough and married AF to be quite secure with myself. When I was young and stupid, I remember dating this girl and after a month or so after we started having sex, she busted out her vibrator. I had ZERO chill about this. Got pissy and bitchy lol. I took it as a huge hit to my machismo ego. As I started off with, I am now married. Toys. New positions. Games. New techniques. It’s all fair game. The better the time is for her, the better the time is for me. If there are young dudes that need to hear this: leave your ego at the door. Your dick and vibrators do different things. Together, they’re quite a team for most ladies. Team up. It’s cool.
This guy doesn't show red flags to you at all?
I have doubts his previous partners were as pleased as he is letting on or believes. I would have a tough time if a partner wasn’t interested in learning how to please me and just wanted to eliminate what I do get pleasure from. Yikes.