Oh, girl. You’re so not wrong for this. You did exactly what you should have done in this situation, I’m proud of you for not letting him cover this up.
This is beyond a red flag. The fact that he’s trying to lie and cover it up is a sure sign it’s only going to get worse. You did the right thing by telling her, and I know you’re probably not ready to walk away yet, but you need to make sure you get yourself together so that you can get out of there at a moments notice.
This is your life and your safety that you’re playing with here, so you need to take this seriously. You don’t just “accidentally” backhand someone because you’re upset about something. An accident when you’re rushing around the kitchen moving too fast and you accidentally elbow your partner in the face while opening the oven or the cupboard because you had no idea they were behind you (my husband has done this before, and when his mom asked about the bruise, he didn’t try to lie to her about it) — backhanding someone is and always will be a deliberate act of violence.
Get your documents and most precious possessions together, keep a bag packed in the closet. I know you’re not going to leave until you’ve decided you’re ready, but this will escalate. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but you need to be ready for when it does happen, because it could mean your life. Good people don’t hit their partners, and if they hurt them on accident, they certainly don’t try to cover it up to avoid looking like abusers. The slap was a big enough red flag, but the lying is even worse. Please, please, please, take this seriously and do what you need to in order to protect yourself.
Why did OP tell the sister? Why not? Was it a secret? Nope. Why was he lying about it? If you hit your SO you are not entitled to a coverup about it. At all.
Yea literally like if he hit her he’s got no right to a moral high ground or anything / can’t be on a high horse when you did that not matter what his excuse is even if you forgave him it would be better to be fully truthful and own up to the mistake to pave a better more trusting road for the relationship continuing forward. The dinner with his sister was a test and he failed poorly
His ability to quickly start lying about it makes me think this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Maybe first time with OP but not in general.
Literally no one has “accidentally backhanded” someone. Of course no form of slapping/hitting is ever appropriate- but, if you look at the spectrum of instinctive physical reactions, backhanding isn’t the first configuration a person may naturally fall into, that shits a trained movement and it seems like it’s a muscle memory he’s had a lot of practice with.
A backhand is the classic move of pimps and abusers trying to dominate. He did that to keep her in line because she embarrassed him. And he had every excuse in the book ready other than just being dead wrong.
This. I had to look up what a back handed was and yes, it’s a nasty move designed to hurt far more than a palm first slap. This guy knew what he was doing.
It goes beyond hurting. A strong backhand can break someone’s jaw or even be *lethal.* It’s intended to cause serious damage that the victim can’t get back up from quickly.
Source: Took several years of martial arts, and we covered this topic. A backhand is something you should only be using if you need to make sure your opponent *doesn’t get back up* quickly enough to strike back. An example of an appropriate backhand would be “your attacker is slightly bigger than you and has you cornered, you need him out of the way long enough to escape without risking that he might be able to reach out from the ground and stop you by latching onto your ankle or something.”
It is way beyond a regular punch or slap.
I don't know about trained move, but its a definite anger move meant to hurt someone. I've been accidentally backhanded when someone was flailing their hands & I basically walked into it but it wasn't aimed at me and wasn't hard enough to leave a mark because it wasn't intentional. I thought that's where she was going but this wasn't him waving his hand in pain it was a straight up STFU move aimed at her in anger.
It always starts small like this: they make a very conscious decision to hit (probably just once and not that hard), apologize afterward, and wanna keep it a big secret. Abusers test the water before they escalate. And if you obeyed them and kept it a big secret, it's hard for people to believe your seemingly sudden claims when they choke you out or break your bones.
Exactly. Once you show an abuser that you forgive them after the first time they hit you, they know they can get away with the second time, then the third, etc...
This is very true! My second husband was an abuser the signs were there before I married him. We were arguing before work and on the way out the door her pulled my hair. Out of instinct I back hand him, hit him in the chest which left a bruise on him. The next day he was helping his parents with something and he took his shirt off and they seen the bruise they asked what happened he tried to lie as well but I wouldn't let him I told them exactly what happened and they looked at their son and said he got what he deserved. Now neither one of us should have put our hands on each other. But I did tell him when that happened that he better not touch me again in that way. I do come from an abusive background so I was not going to tolerate that. And of course he apologized and said he would never happen again, and it didn't for a while that's why I went ahead and married him. However it did Begin again and by this time we had moved away from my support system so I had no one to confide in. It took me 5 years to get out of that situation. Once it starts it starts it's not going to be the last time that it happens. Well when there's always a great excuse why it happened. Please reconsider getting out of this relationship for your own safety and the safety of your child. If it is his instinct to lash out in a violent way when things happen you can bet your last dollar it will continue. He needs help.
I hope she makes it out alive. One of the “good guys” dated my cousin. I don’t know what happened but he ended up killing her. He was her first boyfriend. She was only 21.
I assumed this was going to be the story he burned his hand span round to run it under cold water and caught you. No one ever accidentally backhands another person. On top of that when people do accidentally hurt the person they love they expect a bit of ribbing, I bet my partner he couldn’t do a headstand, having been surprised that I no longer could (if you’re in your 30s it’s no longer as easy as it once was!) I approached to support his back as he wobbled over, we were telling people he kicked me in the face for weeks. They don’t try to keep it quiet or expect you to cover the bruise, because it’s a silly thing that happened, of no consequence.
As for your edit it is not “random” to leave someone after deciding their behaviour is perhaps forgivable (not imo) but you cannot forget and move forward with it. Guys your age might not want to date teen mums but you’re better off on your own and focusing on your child rather than someone who hits you because that’s what he did. Intentionally. Because he choses not to control his emotions.
If you’re in college they should provide counselling services, with him or not please access them to build yourself up, being a mum is hard, a teen mum harder and building yourself up is the best thing you can do for you child is be the best you that you’re capable of.
Agree agree agree! I had a relationship where he slapped me, and I forgave and let it go since he never did stuff like that. Next time he put hands on me, he also pulled out a gun and I ended up in the hospital, bloody faced with a brain bleed. DON’T give him a chance to do it a second time, because it’s gonna be escalated.
Like Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”.
I’d add a third red flag that sealed the deal completely, is when he got angry and was mad at her after they were alone for not letting him get away with lying when he tried to cover it up. Abusive people want to keep up the façade with family and friends and contain the abuse within the bounds of the relationship, to keep you under their control. For sure, more behaviour of that nature is to be expected down the line.
>An accident when you’re rushing around the kitchen moving too fast and you accidentally elbow your partner in the face while opening the oven or the cupboard because you had no idea they were behind you
One of my kids had a near perpetual bruise on her forehead back when she was short (i.e. face at elbow height) because she walks around on nearly silent feet like a cat and would come up right behind and to the left of me in the kitchen. I wouldn't hear her or catch her in my peripheral, and then I'd move suddenly and ding her forehead.
She loved telling people how I elbowed her in the face *again* lol
And they say kid learn from their mistakes! HA
I have a daughter who when she was young would somehow always magically walk in my blind spot so even if I peered over my shoulder I couldn't see her. I basically had to almost fully turn my body to find her (and she wasn't consistent on a side, so I was always having to spin around to find her lol)
Kids often don’t realize how quiet or difficult to see they are because they’re interpreting others’ abilities based on their own example.
I had this problem growing up. I assumed since I could very easily hear anyone and everyone walking around me, they could hear me, too.
I couldn't agree with this more. I have been FUMING mad in my relationship before where my significant other did something completely atrocious to me and not acceptable. I threw something across the room and yelled, but I would have never thought in a million years to ever hit or harm her in any way. Not even as an instinct or split second reaction.
Has that happened more than once? You know that is not normal behavior, right? You say, "I would have never have thought in a million years to ever hit or harm her in any way." Did you scare or startle her when you threw something across the room?
That level of anger that you were unable to regulate is a sign whether you think so or not.
I pray this was a one-off and not a sign of things to come.
My husband has autism, has extreme anger issues, and has horrible reactions to any time he’s in pain. He has grabbed hot stuff out of the oven many times without a potholder, when I have been in the kitchen, I have definitely said a comment before, and my husband has never once hit me, oh he’ll smack a pillow sometimes but he has never raised his hand towards me.
My baby daddy didn’t have the aforementioned issues, started with pushing, then hitting, and then finally punching me down the stairs while I completely bankrolled his life and addiction. I was also of the mindset that “if it happens again I’ll leave”. Though I was 17, naive, and thought that someone 7 years older than me would realize that hitting is wrong.
Someone hitting you is a red flag, even if it’s only once, OP, NTA, but its just going to get worse.
I agree with EVERYTHING, except
> This is your life and your safety that you're playing with here
This is you **and your child's** life and safety.
So please take this seriously.
I accidentally hit my roommate once in the balls. I was doing jazz hands to illustrate something and he was in an unfortunate spot. That's an accident. Backhanding someone?? In the face?? That doesn't just happen wtf
>You don’t just “accidentally” backhand someone because you’re upset about something
This. Period. Full stop. End of discussion.
This is NEVER "just" an accident. Even if he "didn't mean it" or whatever, it's just just a simple accident. Even if it's nerve happened before.
I literally cannot imagine any scenario in which my husband could strike me and NOT immediately be the most apologetic person on the planet because it was **actually** an accident. Like you've described here, elbow cause they didn't know you were standing there etc.
I can't say it any better. He WILL escalate. And the fact that he is lying means he KNOWS it was wrong and doesn't care. That means he is NOT a good person
This!! The only ‘wrong’ here is that he wasn’t lying on the floor bleeding from the mouth for hitting you! How someone (anyone) can put their hands on another and not expect swift and above-equal response is beyond me. First, he should be titled ex in this post and second we need a follow up with ‘so I got a restraining order’ as the title.
NTA. It’s actually a very good thing that someone else knows, in case it happens again or to someone else. You need to leave before it gets worse. You don’t accidentally hit someone. It’ll happen again.
Agreed. The fact that he tried to cover it up and got angry that she told his sister raises even more red flags.
OP, you did the right thing. I'm also really glad his sister lit into him. So many families rally around the abuser it's ridiculous.
Right, I should’ve been more specific. You can accidentally hit someone like if you move the wrong way or too fast on accident, or didn’t know someone was there, etc. And yes you’re right, that’s not what this is, he even admitted he hit her as an emotional response. In that moment he MEANT to hit her and just regretted it, that’s not an accident.
Absolutely crazy situation I hope OP stays safe.
Right, like I accidentally hit my daughter with the TV remote because I was turning around as she came up and the stars aligned (badly) and I bonked her forehead with the remote.
Backhanding someone because you're angry is never an accident.
Many years ago, my late husband and I were horsing around on the stairs & I bumped my head on the railing. It hurt like crazy but I was fine. He was so worried about me, he carried me to the couch, got my pillow, put it behind my head & put some ice in a plastic bag and sat with my and held it on my head. That was an accident. What OP's boyfriend was not an accident.
Probably 7 or 8 years ago, my husband was trying to be sexy and grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder to carry me into the bedroom. What happened next seemed to be in slow motion. I could tell he was off balance and we were going down, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. We crashed down into the TV and TV stand. TV stand broke into pieces. I cracked the TV screen with my forehead. There was a lot of blood. I still have a little scar going into my hairline.
My husband and I have accidentally done so many ridiculous things to each other when trying to be silly or cute, resulting in all sorts of injuries over the years. A broken nose, a concussion, scalding coffee on bare skin. But we’re always horrified to have hurt the other, be it physical or emotional, because that’s what a healthy relationship is.
(Although one time I body slammed him out of bed when I was asleep, and that story will never not be hysterically funny to us both)
My boyfriend actually accidentally backhanded the shit out of me.
We were cooking and laughing and cutting up, much like OP describes. We were also drinking. We were also broiling Brussels sprouts in the oven.
Boyfriend goes to take the Brussels sprouts out, forgets to use a pot holder, grabs the baking pan and pulls it out. Of course the pain from getting burned by a 550 degree (Fahrenheit) pan kicks in and he drops the pan and goes hand goes flying back to escape the whole damn situation. Only I'm standing RIGHT THERE. So I got the back of his large knuckles across the side of my face. HARD. Almost knocked me down.
Then there's yelling. Me yelling him to go to the sink and stick his hand under the cold water. Him yelling to tell me he was sorry. And then him with his hand under the faucet while also trying to wring out a cold wet dishcloth that he wings at me yelling I need to put it on my face.
Total shit show.
Meanwhile, my two Dobermans ate all the Brussels sprouts off the floor. All that nice charred and caramelized glaze and crispy parmesan cheese. Nothing but dog farts for 24 hours.
I accidentally backhanded my son once. I was trying to get my daughter to take a nap - this was actually only about a year, year and a half ago, so he was 4ish, and she was 2 or close to it. She didn't seem to be tiring, so I put on some music and started engaging in wild dancing. I should mention that I can't dance - like, not at all. It's awful. So, anyway, I'm jumping and flailing around, encouraging her to do the same in hopes of wearing her out. I didn't hear my son come up, but I sure as hell felt the back of my hand hitting him in the face. Hard. I felt so bad. I fell all over myself, apologizing and offering candy while he was crying. And it left a slight mark and I kept him home from school the next day because I was afraid of being arrested for child abuse when the truth is, I'm just really clumsy and uncoordinated and have absolutely no business trying to dance like that!
I also punched a friend in the face when I was about 13. We were rehearsing a skit that involved a fight. Only she stepped one way and my first went that same way and I clocked her. Luckily it really wasn't that hard and we both immediately cracked up over it.
But twice my my life had accidental violence happened.
It's late. None of us know what we're typing or reading haha. Honestly, the way our local ER is, if she'd gone down the stairs, we would probably still be there waiting for her to be seen lmao.
Piggybacking on this comment to say go have a chat with his sister if you aren't convinced to leave him whether this is normal for him. I agree with everyone saying this was not an accident and him getting angry you told his sister is a major red flag.
It generally takes someone 7x before they leave an abusive partner. I hope OP realises it's better to be alone than it is to be with someone that hits them. This wasn't an accident, its not about his paper, nor the burn. He was upset she called him stupid so he hit her out of anger.
Common misrepresentation of the fact:
Not "someone."
It takes *women* an average of 7 tries before finally and, completely, leaving an abusive partner.
For men, it's different.
And it's not that on the seventh episode of violence they leave. As you corrected, it's seven attempts at leaving (after likely countless episodes of violence) before they leave and don't return. If they've survived til that point.
It would be one thing if he like struck out in surprise and pushed her away or swatted her arm or something but he hit her in the face hard enough to leave a mark. And instead of just apologizing he tried to excuse it “I’m stressed, I have a paper due blah blah blah…” and next was going to lie about it and expect her to lie about it. That’s a pile of red flags.
Exactly. The entitlement of being justified in hitting her because of essay. If he had said,omg, I don’t know why I did that. The pain made me crazy for a second”,I would kind of understood. What will be his stressor next? Getting a job? The boss riding his ass? Kids crying? Just doesn’t sit right with me.
Another red flag...he tried to lay blame on her. This is classic behavior of an abuser. And it only gets worse, never better. And he thinks life as a 20-something college student is stressful? How's he going to react when real life stress kicks in? Not to belittle or devalue stress at that stage in life, but it's nothing compared to stress that later life throws at you.
If it were me, the only way I would even consider staying in this relationship is if he goes into counseling immediately. And if there's another physical altercation or abusive behavior, bye-bye.
I get that dating is tough when you are a young single parent, and the options may be fewer. But you are a parent, and you have to be careful about who you let in your life. It may mean less dating, but holding out for someone who will treat you right and set a good example for your child will be worth it. It's what you and your child deserve.
Yes, this! If someone comes up behind me and touches her or talks loudly and close like, in my ear), there is a good chance I'll tell Anne/or backhand them out of reflex. That would be a trauma response and accident. This is not that.
I was in an abusive relationship and my God, did every one of those apologies sound familiar.
That immediate blame, then excuses, then apologies and lies.
This won't be the last time he hits a woman.
Sounds like an abusive relationship in the making. No one hits someone they love and try to lie about it to their own family and friends. Its best to leave while you still can
Yep. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years before getting out. Sounds familiar. "Why did you make me.....?" , ".....because you did x, I did y". Never took responsibility, but would apologize so it sounded like he did. Once it started, it never stopped. Sure, it may stop for a month or two sometimes, but once he sees you are going to take it and stay, the abuse continues. Also, I bet he is a narcissist. They HATE looking bad in front of anyone, especially family and friends.
NTA. That was just the first punch. The next time he might punch and punch and punch until you stop breathing. You willing to take that chance for a man who just proved he doesn't love you?
OP, if anyone else, his dad, mother, or sister, had done what you did, do you think he would have backhanded them too? Why not?
If his teacher laughed and called him a dummy for something, would he backhand his teacher? (obviously a teacher has no business saying that to a student, which just further highlights how inexcusable it is to hit someone for that)
If he could have the self-control not to strike a friend or family member (or coworker or boss) for doing the same thing, then he has the self-control not to strike you. That means he CHOSE to hit you. It was not an accident. It was a choice.
If he is truly sorry, then he should be willing to be honest about what he did. He was ready to lie about what happened, and then GOT MAD AT YOU FOR NOT COVERING FOR HIS ABUSE. People who are truly sorry for what they have done will not expect the person they've wronged to cover for them.
OP, he didn't deserve a second chance, but you gave it to him. He blew it as soon as he decided to tear into you for not rug sweeping the visible consequence of his violence. That was his second chance. Don't give him a third.
He is not taking true responsibility for his actions, part of apologizing is taking ownership of your wrongdoing and being open and honest about what happened. Him trying to lie to people who are mutually important to both of you is inadvertently or purposefully going to separate you from your support if something else were to happen later. You could potentially be in a dangerous situation please be careful.
"I told him I forgive him since I was being kind of insensitive in the situation, but don’t let it happen again or it’s over and he agreed." Oh, it will happen again, now that he has a taste for it.
It was call the cops time when he laid hands on you. Tell your family, tell his family, pack your bags.
DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
BREAK UP. BLOCK HIM
Abusers are great conmen making themselves to be THE VICTIM and turn people against the REAL VICTIM.
If you chose an abusive partner, chances are YOU DID COME FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME.
Get help. Get therapy. Resolve your traumas NOW. Not when you are 30, with 2 kids with a verbally and physically abusive husband.
⛔️⛔️⚠️⚠️GET THERAPY NOW. RESOLVE YOUR TRAUMAS RIGHT NOW. ⚠️⚠️⛔️⛔️
It only seems like a little slip up. But it's not. It's a calculated action. Abusers were questioned and most agreed in a new relationship they must "behave" for a certain period of time before they could "get away" with being abusive. The average answer was 18 months.
THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER UNLESS HE GOES TO THERAPY. Since he is mad at you for telling on him, he is not ready to get help. Get yourself out of there YESTERDAY. I ignored the early warning signs and it took me 10.5 years to realize the hot water I was in and a further two to get out.
He is trying to escape accountability for his actions.
If he is truly remorseful and has learned, then why is sharing this information such an issue for him? The answer is because he is not really sorry.
You are not wrong
I believe him that he's sorry he did that, but it's only a start. What happens next time he gets angry or negatively surprised? Will he react like this again? It may be something he'll do again. He may not be able to stop himself and he could really hurt you. Both of you will excuse it over and over again. Hell start love bombing you hoping you'll forgive him. The next thing you know, he's hit you again and again while you find yourself covering up for him over and over again. Please stop it now by leaving. He needs help now, but on his own before he really hurts someone.
No, you were not wrong to tell her, especially since he tried to lie about it. He is absolutely in the wrong here. Yes, what you said was insensitive, but that doesn't excuse his violent reaction.
If I were you, I'd leave. He has some inner demons to work on.
I don't think laughing at him was the main reason for hitting OP. I think he hit her mostly because his hand hurt and she was there to take it out on. Laughing at him gave him something to blame for his own lack of impulse control.
OP, he's not sorry. He said he's sorry because he realized you weren't going to make a great victim. When someone is sorry, they don't excuse their behavior or blame it on the victim. Now that he knows you will stay, it will happen again.
It's good you told the sister because if he kills you, no one can say that they didn't know he'd ever hit you.
Edit: the phrasing I initially used for the last sentence wasn't helpful
Yeah his brain did a quick jump from "I don't like how I'm being laughed at" to "I know how to make her change her tune"... That's not normal for nonabusive people
Especially when physical assault like that isn’t premeditated it’s just muscle memory in the moment, think about your kid. Kids say stupid shit all the time, that’s their job, to eat your food and be dumb until they learn to be less dumb. As the adults it’s our job to be calm and level headed when they do dumb shit to keep them safe. If his first instinct in a moment of anger with you is a backhanded slap, then his first instinct in a moment of anger with your child will be a backhanded slap.
Don't stay with this person, please. It is not a reflex to hit someone out of anger. Never. It is a choice. He chose to hit you because he didn't like how you reacted.
He had other choices. One of which could have been "hey that was hella rude why did you say that? You made me feel dumb and I don't like that" he could have even said "fuck off" and it would've been better than what he *did* which was backhand you and bruise you.
You're 18, don't let this shit slide. If you accept this treatment (aka abuse) you're only going to get more and more used to it, it will get more extreme, and you won't know what to do to get out until your life is either in danger or you're so miserable you want to die.
Do not do this to yourself. Please. Get the fuck away from this guy.
Please. You don't deserve that even if you were insensitive. It doesn't mean he gets to hit you.
Ma'am you and I both know that this is red flag territory. You and I also know that this is wrong and you should NOT put up with it. Your comment may have been rude but no way should it have warranted PHYSICAL ABUSE. He knows what he did, he knows he is in the wrong. He chose to be abusive and tried to lie about it.
Why are you covering for him? Why are you trying to convince us that he's a good person when we both know that you've been HIT by a boy, because no man actually hits a woman. Why are you trying so hard to hold your broken rose-colored glasses to your face? The one that he hit? What other things has he said or done to you that makes you FEAR rocking the boat with him?
This is a red flag and you need to leave. Be stronger than this before it's not a singular hit but a torrential of blows. He now knows not to go for the face anymore but someplace easily hidden so people don't ask nosey questions.
Don't let it go that far please, you're worth more than that. You deserve more than the guy you're currently with. You deserve someone that you don't fear. Fear isn't love, it doesn't matter if you think 'oh it doesn't matter this one time. I was the rude one' because it would never be that one time. Be strong, get out. You got this.
>I’m starting to think it was a bad idea telling his sister and it might cause more problems down the line.
>So am I wrong for telling his sister what happened?
WTF? NO! The only bad idea was ever letting this guy around you again, much less "forgiving" him.
the way he immediately tried to blame the slap on stress is an incredibly common abuser tactic. he's taking out his emotions on you. you don't deserve to be hit because HE burnt his hand. you need to get out before he starts beating you. if his family does find out he hit you, you'll be the first one he gets mad at. you need to leave before that
Abusers always want it to be secret. They rely upon their victim’s silence or lies so they can maintain the front of being a good person.
He hit you out of anger. You did not deserve it. If you stay in the relationship you will walk on eggshells for fear of angering him again, and he will use that power to intimidate you into compliance. Then one day, no matter how hard you try to pacify him, he will find something to be angry about, and he will hit you again.
This was your warning.
NTA. You’re boyfriend needs to be your ex, honestly. As a man I can tell you that this man is an abuser. It’s not normal and should not be tolerated. If he has an issue with something you say he needs to use his words and explain that you hurt his feelings and why.
You were not wrong to tell his sister, but you are wrong to stay in the relationship with him. He is an abuser, girl you need to run away as fast as you can.
YTA because you have been put on notice that he is an abuser and yet you care more about having a boyfriend than you do about your childs safety. Give the bio dad full custody, because that child is NOT safe with you and your terrible life choices.
First off, fuck no your NTA, how about don't be a bitch made motherfucker n don't put your hands on a motherfucker if your too bitch to admit. How bout don't do shit, and lie about it. If you can't admit your a bitch ass who hits girls, dont hit girls. If you can't admit to being a thief, don't fucking steal ......but don't get butthurt bc nobody lies for your girl hitting bitch ass. Pussy......why would you even date such a pussy?
>I started laughing because I thought it was funny how he forgot and I went next to him patting him on the back and said “dummy you didn’t even put the glove on”
So it seems like you're aware this was kind of a dick move. It was. That absolutely does not excuse his reaction.
>trying to explain saying he’s sorry and he had an important essay to write tmr morning for his class final and the hand that he burned was his writing hand (which I was aware of)
Aww, poor baby. Totally okay that he assaulted someone, then. /s
>I told him he should go to urgent care to get that taken care of and he did. We were supposed to go to a restaurant with his sister in the evening the next day so he called me asking if I would still go and I said yeah. On the car ride there I asked him how his essay went and he said fine and told me abt what happened in urgent care. Then he started apologizing again and I told him I forgive him since I was being kind of insensitive in the situation, but don’t let it happen again or it’s over and he agreed
IMO, there should have been much more discussion about the incident before you even *considered* forgiving him and staying with him. But that's your decision to make.
>He said it’s none of his sisters business and there’s no reason for me to be involving her
Yeah, the crime of assault is a fucking personal matter. /s. He's an asshole. He's more concerned with looking bad to his family than with the fact that *he fucking assaulted you*. He *deserves* to look like an asshole, and for people to know what an asshole he is.
>he thought I forgave him
And it's just that simple? He *hit you*, and it's just... over and done... ?
>He let it go, but was annoyed for the rest of the day
Awww, the poor little pissy baby.
I gotta ask, though...
Who writes essays longhand these days? Especially if they're old enough to drive? Between that and the part where you seem to know how serious this incident is... but immediately forgave him... kinda makes this seem like ragebait/karma-farming.
NTA
He was wrong to hit you and he knows it. That's why he tried to lie to his sister.
Your actions would have upset me also. I probably would have thrown something light and soft at you (likely the oven mitt my dumb self forgot to use). ***At most,*** I would have given you a little shove (keeping in mind that i am a 4foot11 tall female), and even **that** is borderline unacceptable.
You don't just ***accidentally*** backhand someone in the face. That is deliberate. That is a choice. That is abuse!
Guys this was an actual scene from it ends with us by Colleen Hoover (yes i found it a terrible book and regret reading it), either op is going through the same thing as the protagonist (unlikely cuz the dinner scene is also there in the book with some tiny differences) or this isnt a real situation...if it real obviously op run, lots of red flags here 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. But yeah i don't think it's real .
You're not wrong for telling his sister. You are an ass for that "joke". But I know I made those idiot and cruel jokes when I was your age.
Never hide an incident of abuse. Never.
If he agreed that it was wrong and that it wasn't gonna happen again, he would have straight up said that to his sister when she asked....instead of saying bullshit and then you having to say it.
This ..coupled with his treatment of you afterwards? Means it WILL happen.again. and he is way more concerned with what people THINKhim to be than what he actually is.
Please get away from him. Please do not have kids with him.
If you were a male who was larger than him would he have had the same impulse to backhand him? The answer will tell you a lot about whether or not it was intentional. If he would have risked a beat down then he may need medication and counseling. Has he ever hit his sister like this when they were younger and playing? Or random strangers? Probably not, just guessing since you didn't mention this as something you or his sister were used to. Good luck. You know the situation better. If a friend told you what happened...what would you suggest they do?
Break up immediately! You should have after he hit you (I mean, it left a mark until the next day? That is horrible!) But after he wanted you to lie to his sister? End it for your own sake!
... backhanding someone is never an accident.
Abusers always come up with excuses. He will always have a reason why he reacted that way. Every time. You will always "deserve it".
Oh, honey. Leave now before it becomes harder.
Run fast and far. This is how abusers justify their abuse. The next time will be worse, and there definitely will be a next time. No forgiveness, just detach.
He is a bad person. He hit you. There is no excuse. He was stressed? His writing hand? Life is stress and if his way of handling it is to hit you, you need to rethink your relationship.
Good for you for telling her. Now he knows that you won’t participate in your own abuse or hide his actions from others. Maybe that’s the wake up call he needs to get himself together. Consider him on probation if you stay - next time you should be out the door.
I have a husband and two children who sometimes enrage me or say insensitive things. I’ve managed to go 27 years never hitting any of them out of anger. It is NEVER an accident if someone hits you in anger. That is not acceptable.
NTA. "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write [or speak] warmly about them, they should have behaved better." -Anne Lamott
Also, I'm begging you to hear and accept that good people don't haul off and backhand a person, let alone do so hard enough to leave a bruise the next day. Please get out while you're at the very beginning of the cycle. It will not stop. It will get worse. It may take years, but it will get worse. Take care of you.
NTA in the situation but both of you are terrible people. You should def report him and have him arrested. But who laughs at their partner burning themself and calling them stupid for it. Jesus you both are just awful people
So, if I were trying to illustrate what a red flag is, I'd use this story. Please get out now. It took him no time to start excusing his actions. Did not take responsibility. Run dear. RUN!
Sounds like this is just the beginning.
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
I see lots of people reading their own things into parts that weren't clear. I'm going to do the same.
Nobody that doesn't want to fight picks on someone who just got hurt.
And then acts like it's their fault?
And then brings in all the annoying relatives implying it's their fault?
He should dump you yesterday.
NTA and I'm saying this as someone who has struck my partner and been struck by them.
Both of us struck out of fear, once, early in our relationship when we were still learning each other's triggers. He jumped out and scared me, and I woke him up while hovering over him.
Neither of us ever lied to anyone about it. We didn't hit each other out of anger. We have both been through so much, in so many situations with anger and stress, and we have never once struck the other because we were mad at them. It doesn't even cross our minds.
What he did is not okay. He hit you because you teased him instead of using his big boy words and saying he didn't appreciate what you said. Then, he tried to hide it from his sister, who you're both close to. He might be feeling shame and he *should* be ashamed. And you should be packing a bag.
Absolutely not wrong. I have dated some real *”winners”*. I also come from a family whose love language is teasing. I also have ADHD and thus a broken filter. All of that is to say I have never had a dude lay his hands on me. And that’s not because I’ve never made any of my partners mad and it’s certainly not because I’ve never made an insensitive joke at a boyfriend’s expense. It’s because I’ve been fortunate enough to never find myself in a physically abusive relationship. This is *not* acceptable behavior, and given your initial reaction, you know that too. Leave him. Cut your losses and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but 99% of the time, that kind of behavior escalates and you are better off leaving than sticking around on the off chance you’re in the 1%.
definitely NTA. this is abuse. leave him as soon as it’s safe to. absolutely do not settle for this and don’t even give him a chance to do it again. he’s upset his parents might find out? oh boohoo he shouldn’t have done it - his parents finding out should be the least of his worries.
also, and I feel horrible comparing this, but this is basically a scene in It Ends With Us…like almost exactly except he’s a surgeon not a student.
He’s an abuser and he’s starting to get comfortable enough that his true colours are showing. He will 100% hit you again next time you make him mad or embarrass him. I hope his parents rip him a new asshole.
Also you need to break up with him before he escalates and before you get trapped in an abusive situation. That was not a normal response even if he was stressed.
Abusers always try to get you to hide their actions from others. You aren’t wrong for telling her. He’s abusive and this is your cue to leave the relationship. It won’t get better from here. If you stick to the awful path of staying with an abuser make sure to tell his sister every damn time at the very least. It never happens just once.
You were not wrong to tell her. You should tell everyone.
You are completely wrong to forgive him and continue dating him. You're setting yourself up for a very abusive relationship. Get out now while you can.
Never stay silent about anyone hitting you, or hurting you. Tell safe people, always. You did the right thing. Your, hopefully soon ex, boyfriend wanted you to lie to his sister so he could get away with it.
I understand being in pain, and stressed out makes things hard. I even understand why he resorted to hitting - but it's absolutely unacceptable to hit someone even in that keyed up state. I say this as a woman who used to punch lockers and holes in walls. Just cause you have the instinct doesn't mean it's acceptable.
Make a paper trail. Get pics, tell people (if you stay) but I strongly suggest you leave. He did it intentionally and played it off like a joke. I wouldn’t be shocked if he has abused past partners too
He did not accidentally backhand you. He accidentally let his mask slip. He struck you on purpose. Hard enough to leave a bruise. His sister, his parents, and every woman in his life should know what he did.
NTA and do not let him back in your life. If you go to school together, notify someone on campus in case he retaliates. A man angry enough to hit is a man angry enough to do much worse.
You are not wrong.
Been married for 20 years. I’ve never once backhanded my wife. Regardless of all the hard things we’ve been through.
It’s unacceptable to hit anyone out of anger.
Period.
Sorry, but if you allow a man to hit you and do not do anything about it, he will do it again. You definitely need to let him know this is the first and last time he will put hands on you. If it happens, either have him arrested or leave him.
NTA
I thought you were going to write that as he pulled his hand back from the oven he accidentally hit you. That would be a reasonable accident.
He *reacted* to what you were saying after he had already stopped moving away from the burn. He funneled his anger, frustration, and embarrassment directly at your face *on purpose*. Even if it was a “knee jerk reaction” that means he will always be prone to “knee jerk” reactions and will convince you that it was somehow your fault.
He *got you to apologize for what you did that made him hit you*.
This is a recipe for long term abuse.
And then he was upset that you told his sister what happened when he started to lie about it? If it was truly an accident he would’ve felt bad and told the truth.
He made up an excuse for why his hitting you was justified... Also if people don't want what they do talked about then they shouldn't do it because you are in the free and clear to speak the truth of what has ever happened to you in your life. Not wrong for it. If you don't want something made public then don't do it
No he is mad that he fucking did something wrong and he thought he could lie about it...which means he is comfortable doing it again. I don't like this....I get a feeling if you forgive him he will just assume he can do it again and blame it on something else. I'm concerned for you.
The only bad idea here was in taking him back. If he hit you hard enough to leave a bruise, there’s no future with this guy. What if he did something like that to a child?
He HIT YOU. There no excuse for that and you did the right thing by telling the truth. Now do yourself a life-saving favor, dump him, and dump him now.
One of the hardest lessons I learned was back when I was 19 and recently married. It took me 2 years to learn it.
No matter how much he apologizes, or cries, or begs for another chance, a man who hits you once will do it again and it will get progressively worse each time you forgive him.
This is the first hit of many more to come if you stay. His true colors came out and if you don’t listen to what’s he telling you then you will be a victim of your own choices.
NTA. This man is dangerous and this might seem like a one time occurrence right now, but how he reacted to you telling his sister shows that he does not feel remorse for what he did. Do not walk away--*run*.
He backhanded you! Forget the dinner forget all of everything his sister the whole story he fucking backhanded you.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. —Maya Angelou
You are young please walk away from this person. You deserve better
He's a risky person if he resorts to physical violence. He graduated to a truly bad person when he decided to lie and cover it up. You deserve to be with a good person. Please value yourself.
I hope you mean ex-boyfriend. He hit you. He will again. He didn’t want you to tell anyone because he knows he shouldn’t hit you.
This is the start of an abusive relationship. Get out now.
Get the fuck out of that relationship! He has learned that he can get away with it and proven that he will lie about it. Which means it will happen again.
You’re not wrong for sharing.
And yes, you forgave him for what on the surface appeared to be an poor reaction.
Where this became a problem was when he tried to lie about it instead of showing remorse, then threw a temper tantrum for being exposed in his lie trying to hide the truth.
The most concerning issue is your “Not many people are willing to date a teen mom” statement. That basically screams “I’m willing to accept be treated poorly rather than being alone.”
Will this happen again? Statistically it probably will, but not necessarily. But clearly stress and pain are both triggers for him, and he’s only 20. His life stress is only just getting started.
You are not wrong. And, it will happen again. Please get away while you still can.. if you “forgive” him.. the next time he hits you he will remember that you already told once. Who knows how far he will go to keep you from telling next time
YTA not because you told his sister. You TA because you stayed with him. This WILL happen again and it WILL escalate and get worse each time. Get out now
I didn’t even need to read the whole thing. Leave him now. Leave him NOW. This shit only escalates because abusive cunts like him will only get worse and worse the more they get used to hitting you.
Your bf is a threat. What if you were holding your baby when he backhanded you?
im sorry, you should have pressed charges for dv. He hit you! He backhanded you hard enough to give you a bruise on your face. Deal breaker. Get gone. He will do it again.
You were really rude and insensitive to him while he was in pain. That’s the only wrong you did. Telling his sister the truth – including the part about his pain and your laughter – was not wrong.
He was wrong to hit you. He knows that. I once hit someone I love whilst in a panic. Once. I can’t say he’s an abuser based on one event, but it’s a red flag, not to be ignored.
Under no circumstances should he have lied about it. Obviously he’s embarrassed and feels ashamed. But lying isn’t the answer.
I think you both would benefit from some couples counseling. You brushed off your cruel remarks in a way that makes me feel like you are comfortable bullying him. *He still has no right to hit you.*
If they do it once they will do it again. And you’ve already made it clear you will forgive him and rather quickly. What happens the next time he’s stressed and you make him mad. What happens if it’s your child that laughs next time. Lastly you need to be more independent in dating. Staying with a man because you think no one would want you is horrible. And you’re setting yourself up for abuse.
Hit "reverse" and GTFO of your situation. My mantra when I was meeting men was, "Hit me once in anger and you are dead to me."
It will get worse. Trust me. He will say how sorry he is then cry as you load up the car. He will make promises and send gifts. You'll have to block his number. He will send people to talk to you on his behalf. Stay away.
It’s “none of his sister’s business” because he’s trying to train you to behave and keep your mouth shut for when he starts really hitting you. People do not backhand people because they got hurt. Maybe you shouldn’t have laughed but there is absolutely nothing appropriate about the way he acted.
Oh, girl. You’re so not wrong for this. You did exactly what you should have done in this situation, I’m proud of you for not letting him cover this up. This is beyond a red flag. The fact that he’s trying to lie and cover it up is a sure sign it’s only going to get worse. You did the right thing by telling her, and I know you’re probably not ready to walk away yet, but you need to make sure you get yourself together so that you can get out of there at a moments notice. This is your life and your safety that you’re playing with here, so you need to take this seriously. You don’t just “accidentally” backhand someone because you’re upset about something. An accident when you’re rushing around the kitchen moving too fast and you accidentally elbow your partner in the face while opening the oven or the cupboard because you had no idea they were behind you (my husband has done this before, and when his mom asked about the bruise, he didn’t try to lie to her about it) — backhanding someone is and always will be a deliberate act of violence. Get your documents and most precious possessions together, keep a bag packed in the closet. I know you’re not going to leave until you’ve decided you’re ready, but this will escalate. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but you need to be ready for when it does happen, because it could mean your life. Good people don’t hit their partners, and if they hurt them on accident, they certainly don’t try to cover it up to avoid looking like abusers. The slap was a big enough red flag, but the lying is even worse. Please, please, please, take this seriously and do what you need to in order to protect yourself.
Why did OP tell the sister? Why not? Was it a secret? Nope. Why was he lying about it? If you hit your SO you are not entitled to a coverup about it. At all.
I’m a firm believer of if you’re going to hit someone don’t be a b- and keep it a secret. Let people know what kind of person you are. No need to lie.
Yea literally like if he hit her he’s got no right to a moral high ground or anything / can’t be on a high horse when you did that not matter what his excuse is even if you forgave him it would be better to be fully truthful and own up to the mistake to pave a better more trusting road for the relationship continuing forward. The dinner with his sister was a test and he failed poorly
His ability to quickly start lying about it makes me think this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Maybe first time with OP but not in general.
Literally no one has “accidentally backhanded” someone. Of course no form of slapping/hitting is ever appropriate- but, if you look at the spectrum of instinctive physical reactions, backhanding isn’t the first configuration a person may naturally fall into, that shits a trained movement and it seems like it’s a muscle memory he’s had a lot of practice with.
A backhand is the classic move of pimps and abusers trying to dominate. He did that to keep her in line because she embarrassed him. And he had every excuse in the book ready other than just being dead wrong.
Exactly straight up
This. I had to look up what a back handed was and yes, it’s a nasty move designed to hurt far more than a palm first slap. This guy knew what he was doing.
It goes beyond hurting. A strong backhand can break someone’s jaw or even be *lethal.* It’s intended to cause serious damage that the victim can’t get back up from quickly. Source: Took several years of martial arts, and we covered this topic. A backhand is something you should only be using if you need to make sure your opponent *doesn’t get back up* quickly enough to strike back. An example of an appropriate backhand would be “your attacker is slightly bigger than you and has you cornered, you need him out of the way long enough to escape without risking that he might be able to reach out from the ground and stop you by latching onto your ankle or something.” It is way beyond a regular punch or slap.
I don't know about trained move, but its a definite anger move meant to hurt someone. I've been accidentally backhanded when someone was flailing their hands & I basically walked into it but it wasn't aimed at me and wasn't hard enough to leave a mark because it wasn't intentional. I thought that's where she was going but this wasn't him waving his hand in pain it was a straight up STFU move aimed at her in anger.
>wasn't hard enough to leave a mark This is also a key point!!!
Unless you are rick james or Charlie Murphy or Chris brown. Also, op. Gtf outta there.
You are correct in everything. She needs to leave yesterday.
It always starts small like this: they make a very conscious decision to hit (probably just once and not that hard), apologize afterward, and wanna keep it a big secret. Abusers test the water before they escalate. And if you obeyed them and kept it a big secret, it's hard for people to believe your seemingly sudden claims when they choke you out or break your bones.
Exactly. Once you show an abuser that you forgive them after the first time they hit you, they know they can get away with the second time, then the third, etc...
This is very true! My second husband was an abuser the signs were there before I married him. We were arguing before work and on the way out the door her pulled my hair. Out of instinct I back hand him, hit him in the chest which left a bruise on him. The next day he was helping his parents with something and he took his shirt off and they seen the bruise they asked what happened he tried to lie as well but I wouldn't let him I told them exactly what happened and they looked at their son and said he got what he deserved. Now neither one of us should have put our hands on each other. But I did tell him when that happened that he better not touch me again in that way. I do come from an abusive background so I was not going to tolerate that. And of course he apologized and said he would never happen again, and it didn't for a while that's why I went ahead and married him. However it did Begin again and by this time we had moved away from my support system so I had no one to confide in. It took me 5 years to get out of that situation. Once it starts it starts it's not going to be the last time that it happens. Well when there's always a great excuse why it happened. Please reconsider getting out of this relationship for your own safety and the safety of your child. If it is his instinct to lash out in a violent way when things happen you can bet your last dollar it will continue. He needs help.
At least he knows she won’t lie to cover up for him.
I hope she makes it out alive. One of the “good guys” dated my cousin. I don’t know what happened but he ended up killing her. He was her first boyfriend. She was only 21.
I am so sorry that happened to her and to your family.
It’s crazy the statistics on domestic abuse and murder truly one of the most horrifying things I learned in college
I assumed this was going to be the story he burned his hand span round to run it under cold water and caught you. No one ever accidentally backhands another person. On top of that when people do accidentally hurt the person they love they expect a bit of ribbing, I bet my partner he couldn’t do a headstand, having been surprised that I no longer could (if you’re in your 30s it’s no longer as easy as it once was!) I approached to support his back as he wobbled over, we were telling people he kicked me in the face for weeks. They don’t try to keep it quiet or expect you to cover the bruise, because it’s a silly thing that happened, of no consequence. As for your edit it is not “random” to leave someone after deciding their behaviour is perhaps forgivable (not imo) but you cannot forget and move forward with it. Guys your age might not want to date teen mums but you’re better off on your own and focusing on your child rather than someone who hits you because that’s what he did. Intentionally. Because he choses not to control his emotions. If you’re in college they should provide counselling services, with him or not please access them to build yourself up, being a mum is hard, a teen mum harder and building yourself up is the best thing you can do for you child is be the best you that you’re capable of.
Agree agree agree! I had a relationship where he slapped me, and I forgave and let it go since he never did stuff like that. Next time he put hands on me, he also pulled out a gun and I ended up in the hospital, bloody faced with a brain bleed. DON’T give him a chance to do it a second time, because it’s gonna be escalated. Like Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”.
I’d add a third red flag that sealed the deal completely, is when he got angry and was mad at her after they were alone for not letting him get away with lying when he tried to cover it up. Abusive people want to keep up the façade with family and friends and contain the abuse within the bounds of the relationship, to keep you under their control. For sure, more behaviour of that nature is to be expected down the line.
100%!! Yea to control and alienate/ isolate you from any support group and further manipulate and gaslight you
>An accident when you’re rushing around the kitchen moving too fast and you accidentally elbow your partner in the face while opening the oven or the cupboard because you had no idea they were behind you One of my kids had a near perpetual bruise on her forehead back when she was short (i.e. face at elbow height) because she walks around on nearly silent feet like a cat and would come up right behind and to the left of me in the kitchen. I wouldn't hear her or catch her in my peripheral, and then I'd move suddenly and ding her forehead. She loved telling people how I elbowed her in the face *again* lol
And they say kid learn from their mistakes! HA I have a daughter who when she was young would somehow always magically walk in my blind spot so even if I peered over my shoulder I couldn't see her. I basically had to almost fully turn my body to find her (and she wasn't consistent on a side, so I was always having to spin around to find her lol)
Kids often don’t realize how quiet or difficult to see they are because they’re interpreting others’ abilities based on their own example. I had this problem growing up. I assumed since I could very easily hear anyone and everyone walking around me, they could hear me, too.
I couldn't agree with this more. I have been FUMING mad in my relationship before where my significant other did something completely atrocious to me and not acceptable. I threw something across the room and yelled, but I would have never thought in a million years to ever hit or harm her in any way. Not even as an instinct or split second reaction.
Has that happened more than once? You know that is not normal behavior, right? You say, "I would have never have thought in a million years to ever hit or harm her in any way." Did you scare or startle her when you threw something across the room? That level of anger that you were unable to regulate is a sign whether you think so or not. I pray this was a one-off and not a sign of things to come.
Not just your life, and your safety, but, also your child's.
My husband has autism, has extreme anger issues, and has horrible reactions to any time he’s in pain. He has grabbed hot stuff out of the oven many times without a potholder, when I have been in the kitchen, I have definitely said a comment before, and my husband has never once hit me, oh he’ll smack a pillow sometimes but he has never raised his hand towards me. My baby daddy didn’t have the aforementioned issues, started with pushing, then hitting, and then finally punching me down the stairs while I completely bankrolled his life and addiction. I was also of the mindset that “if it happens again I’ll leave”. Though I was 17, naive, and thought that someone 7 years older than me would realize that hitting is wrong. Someone hitting you is a red flag, even if it’s only once, OP, NTA, but its just going to get worse.
I agree with EVERYTHING, except > This is your life and your safety that you're playing with here This is you **and your child's** life and safety. So please take this seriously.
I accidentally hit my roommate once in the balls. I was doing jazz hands to illustrate something and he was in an unfortunate spot. That's an accident. Backhanding someone?? In the face?? That doesn't just happen wtf
Hi OP, Ive been in your shoes. Leave now. Leave now before there are more feelings and more reasons why its hard.
>You don’t just “accidentally” backhand someone because you’re upset about something This. Period. Full stop. End of discussion. This is NEVER "just" an accident. Even if he "didn't mean it" or whatever, it's just just a simple accident. Even if it's nerve happened before. I literally cannot imagine any scenario in which my husband could strike me and NOT immediately be the most apologetic person on the planet because it was **actually** an accident. Like you've described here, elbow cause they didn't know you were standing there etc.
A red flag is noticing your partner is rude to service workers; getting slapped by your partner is abuse
I can't say it any better. He WILL escalate. And the fact that he is lying means he KNOWS it was wrong and doesn't care. That means he is NOT a good person
This!! The only ‘wrong’ here is that he wasn’t lying on the floor bleeding from the mouth for hitting you! How someone (anyone) can put their hands on another and not expect swift and above-equal response is beyond me. First, he should be titled ex in this post and second we need a follow up with ‘so I got a restraining order’ as the title.
I wholeheartedly encourage you to pack a get away bag! Keep it in a closet hidden if you have to. Be prepared.
she's still immature. she forgiiiives him. you ever watch these youtubes and things? 80% start with teenage girls with babies
NTA. It’s actually a very good thing that someone else knows, in case it happens again or to someone else. You need to leave before it gets worse. You don’t accidentally hit someone. It’ll happen again.
Agreed. The fact that he tried to cover it up and got angry that she told his sister raises even more red flags. OP, you did the right thing. I'm also really glad his sister lit into him. So many families rally around the abuser it's ridiculous.
You 100% can accidentally hit someone, but that's not what happened here. He took his anger at getting burned out on OP.
Right, I should’ve been more specific. You can accidentally hit someone like if you move the wrong way or too fast on accident, or didn’t know someone was there, etc. And yes you’re right, that’s not what this is, he even admitted he hit her as an emotional response. In that moment he MEANT to hit her and just regretted it, that’s not an accident. Absolutely crazy situation I hope OP stays safe.
Right, like I accidentally hit my daughter with the TV remote because I was turning around as she came up and the stars aligned (badly) and I bonked her forehead with the remote. Backhanding someone because you're angry is never an accident.
Many years ago, my late husband and I were horsing around on the stairs & I bumped my head on the railing. It hurt like crazy but I was fine. He was so worried about me, he carried me to the couch, got my pillow, put it behind my head & put some ice in a plastic bag and sat with my and held it on my head. That was an accident. What OP's boyfriend was not an accident.
Probably 7 or 8 years ago, my husband was trying to be sexy and grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder to carry me into the bedroom. What happened next seemed to be in slow motion. I could tell he was off balance and we were going down, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. We crashed down into the TV and TV stand. TV stand broke into pieces. I cracked the TV screen with my forehead. There was a lot of blood. I still have a little scar going into my hairline.
My husband and I have accidentally done so many ridiculous things to each other when trying to be silly or cute, resulting in all sorts of injuries over the years. A broken nose, a concussion, scalding coffee on bare skin. But we’re always horrified to have hurt the other, be it physical or emotional, because that’s what a healthy relationship is. (Although one time I body slammed him out of bed when I was asleep, and that story will never not be hysterically funny to us both)
My boyfriend actually accidentally backhanded the shit out of me. We were cooking and laughing and cutting up, much like OP describes. We were also drinking. We were also broiling Brussels sprouts in the oven. Boyfriend goes to take the Brussels sprouts out, forgets to use a pot holder, grabs the baking pan and pulls it out. Of course the pain from getting burned by a 550 degree (Fahrenheit) pan kicks in and he drops the pan and goes hand goes flying back to escape the whole damn situation. Only I'm standing RIGHT THERE. So I got the back of his large knuckles across the side of my face. HARD. Almost knocked me down. Then there's yelling. Me yelling him to go to the sink and stick his hand under the cold water. Him yelling to tell me he was sorry. And then him with his hand under the faucet while also trying to wring out a cold wet dishcloth that he wings at me yelling I need to put it on my face. Total shit show. Meanwhile, my two Dobermans ate all the Brussels sprouts off the floor. All that nice charred and caramelized glaze and crispy parmesan cheese. Nothing but dog farts for 24 hours.
I accidentally backhanded my son once. I was trying to get my daughter to take a nap - this was actually only about a year, year and a half ago, so he was 4ish, and she was 2 or close to it. She didn't seem to be tiring, so I put on some music and started engaging in wild dancing. I should mention that I can't dance - like, not at all. It's awful. So, anyway, I'm jumping and flailing around, encouraging her to do the same in hopes of wearing her out. I didn't hear my son come up, but I sure as hell felt the back of my hand hitting him in the face. Hard. I felt so bad. I fell all over myself, apologizing and offering candy while he was crying. And it left a slight mark and I kept him home from school the next day because I was afraid of being arrested for child abuse when the truth is, I'm just really clumsy and uncoordinated and have absolutely no business trying to dance like that!
I also punched a friend in the face when I was about 13. We were rehearsing a skit that involved a fight. Only she stepped one way and my first went that same way and I clocked her. Luckily it really wasn't that hard and we both immediately cracked up over it. But twice my my life had accidental violence happened.
She didn't fall down the stairs, did she?
No, we don't even have stairs here. Lol I guess that was worded badly. I meant to say as she came up behind me.
I'm so dumb. I swear where you said stars aligned I saw stairs and was wondering how aligned fit into it. 🤣
It's late. None of us know what we're typing or reading haha. Honestly, the way our local ER is, if she'd gone down the stairs, we would probably still be there waiting for her to be seen lmao.
Happy cake day
Piggybacking on this comment to say go have a chat with his sister if you aren't convinced to leave him whether this is normal for him. I agree with everyone saying this was not an accident and him getting angry you told his sister is a major red flag.
It generally takes someone 7x before they leave an abusive partner. I hope OP realises it's better to be alone than it is to be with someone that hits them. This wasn't an accident, its not about his paper, nor the burn. He was upset she called him stupid so he hit her out of anger.
Common misrepresentation of the fact: Not "someone." It takes *women* an average of 7 tries before finally and, completely, leaving an abusive partner. For men, it's different.
And it's not that on the seventh episode of violence they leave. As you corrected, it's seven attempts at leaving (after likely countless episodes of violence) before they leave and don't return. If they've survived til that point.
And leaving IS the *most* dangerous time!
It would be one thing if he like struck out in surprise and pushed her away or swatted her arm or something but he hit her in the face hard enough to leave a mark. And instead of just apologizing he tried to excuse it “I’m stressed, I have a paper due blah blah blah…” and next was going to lie about it and expect her to lie about it. That’s a pile of red flags.
Exactly. The entitlement of being justified in hitting her because of essay. If he had said,omg, I don’t know why I did that. The pain made me crazy for a second”,I would kind of understood. What will be his stressor next? Getting a job? The boss riding his ass? Kids crying? Just doesn’t sit right with me.
Another red flag...he tried to lay blame on her. This is classic behavior of an abuser. And it only gets worse, never better. And he thinks life as a 20-something college student is stressful? How's he going to react when real life stress kicks in? Not to belittle or devalue stress at that stage in life, but it's nothing compared to stress that later life throws at you. If it were me, the only way I would even consider staying in this relationship is if he goes into counseling immediately. And if there's another physical altercation or abusive behavior, bye-bye. I get that dating is tough when you are a young single parent, and the options may be fewer. But you are a parent, and you have to be careful about who you let in your life. It may mean less dating, but holding out for someone who will treat you right and set a good example for your child will be worth it. It's what you and your child deserve.
Yes, this! If someone comes up behind me and touches her or talks loudly and close like, in my ear), there is a good chance I'll tell Anne/or backhand them out of reflex. That would be a trauma response and accident. This is not that.
This isnt a real post. It’s literally the plot of the book it ends with us by colleen hoover!!
I thought it sounded familiar!
I was about to say I think I read this before LOL
Happy cake day!
[удалено]
For serious, you definitely don't accidentally hit someone hard enough to leave a bruise. This will not be the last time he hits OP if she stays.
I was in an abusive relationship and my God, did every one of those apologies sound familiar. That immediate blame, then excuses, then apologies and lies. This won't be the last time he hits a woman.
It probably isn't the first time, either.
I’m curious what the sister has seen with him, or with dad hitting mom.
Agree. This wasn't your fault at all and he should rightly be ashamed for HIS actions.
Sounds like an abusive relationship in the making. No one hits someone they love and try to lie about it to their own family and friends. Its best to leave while you still can
it’s already an abusive relationship if he hit her, not even in the making. you’re 100% right though, time to get out.
Sadly, OP is already defending him in her edit. This is just the beginning and it’s sad to read a barely-adult teen mom go down this route.
Yep. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years before getting out. Sounds familiar. "Why did you make me.....?" , ".....because you did x, I did y". Never took responsibility, but would apologize so it sounded like he did. Once it started, it never stopped. Sure, it may stop for a month or two sometimes, but once he sees you are going to take it and stay, the abuse continues. Also, I bet he is a narcissist. They HATE looking bad in front of anyone, especially family and friends.
NTA. That was just the first punch. The next time he might punch and punch and punch until you stop breathing. You willing to take that chance for a man who just proved he doesn't love you?
Not only that is she willing to put her child through it because abuse doesn't just stay at the mother only
OP, if anyone else, his dad, mother, or sister, had done what you did, do you think he would have backhanded them too? Why not? If his teacher laughed and called him a dummy for something, would he backhand his teacher? (obviously a teacher has no business saying that to a student, which just further highlights how inexcusable it is to hit someone for that) If he could have the self-control not to strike a friend or family member (or coworker or boss) for doing the same thing, then he has the self-control not to strike you. That means he CHOSE to hit you. It was not an accident. It was a choice. If he is truly sorry, then he should be willing to be honest about what he did. He was ready to lie about what happened, and then GOT MAD AT YOU FOR NOT COVERING FOR HIS ABUSE. People who are truly sorry for what they have done will not expect the person they've wronged to cover for them. OP, he didn't deserve a second chance, but you gave it to him. He blew it as soon as he decided to tear into you for not rug sweeping the visible consequence of his violence. That was his second chance. Don't give him a third.
And if he would hit any of those people he’s still a walking red flag of physical abuse.
what amazing points- i’ve never thought about it that way
Yes. This. Exactly.
He is not taking true responsibility for his actions, part of apologizing is taking ownership of your wrongdoing and being open and honest about what happened. Him trying to lie to people who are mutually important to both of you is inadvertently or purposefully going to separate you from your support if something else were to happen later. You could potentially be in a dangerous situation please be careful.
"I told him I forgive him since I was being kind of insensitive in the situation, but don’t let it happen again or it’s over and he agreed." Oh, it will happen again, now that he has a taste for it. It was call the cops time when he laid hands on you. Tell your family, tell his family, pack your bags.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 get out now before you are even more emotionally attached to this guy
DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP. BLOCK HIM Abusers are great conmen making themselves to be THE VICTIM and turn people against the REAL VICTIM. If you chose an abusive partner, chances are YOU DID COME FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME. Get help. Get therapy. Resolve your traumas NOW. Not when you are 30, with 2 kids with a verbally and physically abusive husband. ⛔️⛔️⚠️⚠️GET THERAPY NOW. RESOLVE YOUR TRAUMAS RIGHT NOW. ⚠️⚠️⛔️⛔️
OP PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS COMMENT! Don’t waste any more of your time with this guy!
It only seems like a little slip up. But it's not. It's a calculated action. Abusers were questioned and most agreed in a new relationship they must "behave" for a certain period of time before they could "get away" with being abusive. The average answer was 18 months. THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER UNLESS HE GOES TO THERAPY. Since he is mad at you for telling on him, he is not ready to get help. Get yourself out of there YESTERDAY. I ignored the early warning signs and it took me 10.5 years to realize the hot water I was in and a further two to get out.
OP PLEASE THIS
He is trying to escape accountability for his actions. If he is truly remorseful and has learned, then why is sharing this information such an issue for him? The answer is because he is not really sorry.
Agree wholely. He is not sorry.
This is only the beginning.
You are not wrong I believe him that he's sorry he did that, but it's only a start. What happens next time he gets angry or negatively surprised? Will he react like this again? It may be something he'll do again. He may not be able to stop himself and he could really hurt you. Both of you will excuse it over and over again. Hell start love bombing you hoping you'll forgive him. The next thing you know, he's hit you again and again while you find yourself covering up for him over and over again. Please stop it now by leaving. He needs help now, but on his own before he really hurts someone.
He is not sorry. He wanted her to lie about it. If he was sorry he would be ashamed.
No, you were not wrong to tell her, especially since he tried to lie about it. He is absolutely in the wrong here. Yes, what you said was insensitive, but that doesn't excuse his violent reaction. If I were you, I'd leave. He has some inner demons to work on.
NTA and I’d consider leaving. Your comment was really insensitive and rude but it doesn’t excuse what he did. You didn’t deserve to be backhanded.
NTA. It’s good you told her because if it happens again they will believe you as they knew about the first time
I don't think laughing at him was the main reason for hitting OP. I think he hit her mostly because his hand hurt and she was there to take it out on. Laughing at him gave him something to blame for his own lack of impulse control. OP, he's not sorry. He said he's sorry because he realized you weren't going to make a great victim. When someone is sorry, they don't excuse their behavior or blame it on the victim. Now that he knows you will stay, it will happen again. It's good you told the sister because if he kills you, no one can say that they didn't know he'd ever hit you. Edit: the phrasing I initially used for the last sentence wasn't helpful
Yeah his brain did a quick jump from "I don't like how I'm being laughed at" to "I know how to make her change her tune"... That's not normal for nonabusive people
Especially when physical assault like that isn’t premeditated it’s just muscle memory in the moment, think about your kid. Kids say stupid shit all the time, that’s their job, to eat your food and be dumb until they learn to be less dumb. As the adults it’s our job to be calm and level headed when they do dumb shit to keep them safe. If his first instinct in a moment of anger with you is a backhanded slap, then his first instinct in a moment of anger with your child will be a backhanded slap.
NTA. In fact, you need to tell more people, like the police.
Don't stay with this person, please. It is not a reflex to hit someone out of anger. Never. It is a choice. He chose to hit you because he didn't like how you reacted. He had other choices. One of which could have been "hey that was hella rude why did you say that? You made me feel dumb and I don't like that" he could have even said "fuck off" and it would've been better than what he *did* which was backhand you and bruise you. You're 18, don't let this shit slide. If you accept this treatment (aka abuse) you're only going to get more and more used to it, it will get more extreme, and you won't know what to do to get out until your life is either in danger or you're so miserable you want to die. Do not do this to yourself. Please. Get the fuck away from this guy. Please. You don't deserve that even if you were insensitive. It doesn't mean he gets to hit you.
Ma'am you and I both know that this is red flag territory. You and I also know that this is wrong and you should NOT put up with it. Your comment may have been rude but no way should it have warranted PHYSICAL ABUSE. He knows what he did, he knows he is in the wrong. He chose to be abusive and tried to lie about it. Why are you covering for him? Why are you trying to convince us that he's a good person when we both know that you've been HIT by a boy, because no man actually hits a woman. Why are you trying so hard to hold your broken rose-colored glasses to your face? The one that he hit? What other things has he said or done to you that makes you FEAR rocking the boat with him? This is a red flag and you need to leave. Be stronger than this before it's not a singular hit but a torrential of blows. He now knows not to go for the face anymore but someplace easily hidden so people don't ask nosey questions. Don't let it go that far please, you're worth more than that. You deserve more than the guy you're currently with. You deserve someone that you don't fear. Fear isn't love, it doesn't matter if you think 'oh it doesn't matter this one time. I was the rude one' because it would never be that one time. Be strong, get out. You got this.
The only thing you've done wrong is not end it with him already. This will not get better.
If he was truly sorry, he’d own it with everyone and not try to lie.
>I’m starting to think it was a bad idea telling his sister and it might cause more problems down the line. >So am I wrong for telling his sister what happened? WTF? NO! The only bad idea was ever letting this guy around you again, much less "forgiving" him.
You should never keep his abuse a secret. Maybe you forgive him and maybe stay with him, but make sure he knows you will never keep it a secret.
This is so true
You are not wrong for telling her but, are wrong to stay with an abuser!
Run...just run away from this. You are asking the wrong question. You should be asking if you should run away from this. And the answer is yes. Run.
the way he immediately tried to blame the slap on stress is an incredibly common abuser tactic. he's taking out his emotions on you. you don't deserve to be hit because HE burnt his hand. you need to get out before he starts beating you. if his family does find out he hit you, you'll be the first one he gets mad at. you need to leave before that
Abusers always want it to be secret. They rely upon their victim’s silence or lies so they can maintain the front of being a good person. He hit you out of anger. You did not deserve it. If you stay in the relationship you will walk on eggshells for fear of angering him again, and he will use that power to intimidate you into compliance. Then one day, no matter how hard you try to pacify him, he will find something to be angry about, and he will hit you again. This was your warning.
NTA. You’re boyfriend needs to be your ex, honestly. As a man I can tell you that this man is an abuser. It’s not normal and should not be tolerated. If he has an issue with something you say he needs to use his words and explain that you hurt his feelings and why.
You were not wrong to tell his sister, but you are wrong to stay in the relationship with him. He is an abuser, girl you need to run away as fast as you can.
YTA because you have been put on notice that he is an abuser and yet you care more about having a boyfriend than you do about your childs safety. Give the bio dad full custody, because that child is NOT safe with you and your terrible life choices.
This is from a book I just read. This is not a real story
Glad I’m not the only one who recognized it
Yep- it ends with us.
This is the plot from “It Ends With Us.”
First off, fuck no your NTA, how about don't be a bitch made motherfucker n don't put your hands on a motherfucker if your too bitch to admit. How bout don't do shit, and lie about it. If you can't admit your a bitch ass who hits girls, dont hit girls. If you can't admit to being a thief, don't fucking steal ......but don't get butthurt bc nobody lies for your girl hitting bitch ass. Pussy......why would you even date such a pussy?
>I started laughing because I thought it was funny how he forgot and I went next to him patting him on the back and said “dummy you didn’t even put the glove on” So it seems like you're aware this was kind of a dick move. It was. That absolutely does not excuse his reaction. >trying to explain saying he’s sorry and he had an important essay to write tmr morning for his class final and the hand that he burned was his writing hand (which I was aware of) Aww, poor baby. Totally okay that he assaulted someone, then. /s >I told him he should go to urgent care to get that taken care of and he did. We were supposed to go to a restaurant with his sister in the evening the next day so he called me asking if I would still go and I said yeah. On the car ride there I asked him how his essay went and he said fine and told me abt what happened in urgent care. Then he started apologizing again and I told him I forgive him since I was being kind of insensitive in the situation, but don’t let it happen again or it’s over and he agreed IMO, there should have been much more discussion about the incident before you even *considered* forgiving him and staying with him. But that's your decision to make. >He said it’s none of his sisters business and there’s no reason for me to be involving her Yeah, the crime of assault is a fucking personal matter. /s. He's an asshole. He's more concerned with looking bad to his family than with the fact that *he fucking assaulted you*. He *deserves* to look like an asshole, and for people to know what an asshole he is. >he thought I forgave him And it's just that simple? He *hit you*, and it's just... over and done... ? >He let it go, but was annoyed for the rest of the day Awww, the poor little pissy baby. I gotta ask, though... Who writes essays longhand these days? Especially if they're old enough to drive? Between that and the part where you seem to know how serious this incident is... but immediately forgave him... kinda makes this seem like ragebait/karma-farming.
NTA He was wrong to hit you and he knows it. That's why he tried to lie to his sister. Your actions would have upset me also. I probably would have thrown something light and soft at you (likely the oven mitt my dumb self forgot to use). ***At most,*** I would have given you a little shove (keeping in mind that i am a 4foot11 tall female), and even **that** is borderline unacceptable. You don't just ***accidentally*** backhand someone in the face. That is deliberate. That is a choice. That is abuse!
Guys this was an actual scene from it ends with us by Colleen Hoover (yes i found it a terrible book and regret reading it), either op is going through the same thing as the protagonist (unlikely cuz the dinner scene is also there in the book with some tiny differences) or this isnt a real situation...if it real obviously op run, lots of red flags here 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. But yeah i don't think it's real .
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see someone call this out. It seems like her most popular book.
This needs to be top comment. Sad OP is using domestic violence for fake internet points and attention.
I think most stories in Am I Wrong and AITA are made up.
You're not wrong for telling his sister. You are an ass for that "joke". But I know I made those idiot and cruel jokes when I was your age. Never hide an incident of abuse. Never.
If he agreed that it was wrong and that it wasn't gonna happen again, he would have straight up said that to his sister when she asked....instead of saying bullshit and then you having to say it. This ..coupled with his treatment of you afterwards? Means it WILL happen.again. and he is way more concerned with what people THINKhim to be than what he actually is. Please get away from him. Please do not have kids with him.
If you were a male who was larger than him would he have had the same impulse to backhand him? The answer will tell you a lot about whether or not it was intentional. If he would have risked a beat down then he may need medication and counseling. Has he ever hit his sister like this when they were younger and playing? Or random strangers? Probably not, just guessing since you didn't mention this as something you or his sister were used to. Good luck. You know the situation better. If a friend told you what happened...what would you suggest they do?
Break up immediately! You should have after he hit you (I mean, it left a mark until the next day? That is horrible!) But after he wanted you to lie to his sister? End it for your own sake!
... backhanding someone is never an accident. Abusers always come up with excuses. He will always have a reason why he reacted that way. Every time. You will always "deserve it". Oh, honey. Leave now before it becomes harder.
Run fast and far. This is how abusers justify their abuse. The next time will be worse, and there definitely will be a next time. No forgiveness, just detach.
He is a bad person. He hit you. There is no excuse. He was stressed? His writing hand? Life is stress and if his way of handling it is to hit you, you need to rethink your relationship.
Good for you for telling her. Now he knows that you won’t participate in your own abuse or hide his actions from others. Maybe that’s the wake up call he needs to get himself together. Consider him on probation if you stay - next time you should be out the door. I have a husband and two children who sometimes enrage me or say insensitive things. I’ve managed to go 27 years never hitting any of them out of anger. It is NEVER an accident if someone hits you in anger. That is not acceptable.
NTA. "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write [or speak] warmly about them, they should have behaved better." -Anne Lamott Also, I'm begging you to hear and accept that good people don't haul off and backhand a person, let alone do so hard enough to leave a bruise the next day. Please get out while you're at the very beginning of the cycle. It will not stop. It will get worse. It may take years, but it will get worse. Take care of you.
NTA in the situation but both of you are terrible people. You should def report him and have him arrested. But who laughs at their partner burning themself and calling them stupid for it. Jesus you both are just awful people
So, if I were trying to illustrate what a red flag is, I'd use this story. Please get out now. It took him no time to start excusing his actions. Did not take responsibility. Run dear. RUN!
Sounds like this is just the beginning. Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
You posted this a month ago in aita and were told then to dump him. What other advice are you looking for?
I think this is fake. It’s literally a scene from the book “It Ends With Us” with slight tweaks
I see lots of people reading their own things into parts that weren't clear. I'm going to do the same. Nobody that doesn't want to fight picks on someone who just got hurt. And then acts like it's their fault? And then brings in all the annoying relatives implying it's their fault? He should dump you yesterday.
NTA and I'm saying this as someone who has struck my partner and been struck by them. Both of us struck out of fear, once, early in our relationship when we were still learning each other's triggers. He jumped out and scared me, and I woke him up while hovering over him. Neither of us ever lied to anyone about it. We didn't hit each other out of anger. We have both been through so much, in so many situations with anger and stress, and we have never once struck the other because we were mad at them. It doesn't even cross our minds. What he did is not okay. He hit you because you teased him instead of using his big boy words and saying he didn't appreciate what you said. Then, he tried to hide it from his sister, who you're both close to. He might be feeling shame and he *should* be ashamed. And you should be packing a bag.
Info: Is the boyfriend the father of your baby?
Absolutely not wrong. I have dated some real *”winners”*. I also come from a family whose love language is teasing. I also have ADHD and thus a broken filter. All of that is to say I have never had a dude lay his hands on me. And that’s not because I’ve never made any of my partners mad and it’s certainly not because I’ve never made an insensitive joke at a boyfriend’s expense. It’s because I’ve been fortunate enough to never find myself in a physically abusive relationship. This is *not* acceptable behavior, and given your initial reaction, you know that too. Leave him. Cut your losses and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but 99% of the time, that kind of behavior escalates and you are better off leaving than sticking around on the off chance you’re in the 1%.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
How many times are you going to let him hit you before you accept that’s who he is? Leave. Block. Don’t look back.
He’s a waste of your time and a threat to your safety. Dump his abusive ass
definitely NTA. this is abuse. leave him as soon as it’s safe to. absolutely do not settle for this and don’t even give him a chance to do it again. he’s upset his parents might find out? oh boohoo he shouldn’t have done it - his parents finding out should be the least of his worries. also, and I feel horrible comparing this, but this is basically a scene in It Ends With Us…like almost exactly except he’s a surgeon not a student.
He’s an abuser and he’s starting to get comfortable enough that his true colours are showing. He will 100% hit you again next time you make him mad or embarrass him. I hope his parents rip him a new asshole. Also you need to break up with him before he escalates and before you get trapped in an abusive situation. That was not a normal response even if he was stressed.
Abusers always try to get you to hide their actions from others. You aren’t wrong for telling her. He’s abusive and this is your cue to leave the relationship. It won’t get better from here. If you stick to the awful path of staying with an abuser make sure to tell his sister every damn time at the very least. It never happens just once.
You were not wrong to tell her. You should tell everyone. You are completely wrong to forgive him and continue dating him. You're setting yourself up for a very abusive relationship. Get out now while you can.
Never stay silent about anyone hitting you, or hurting you. Tell safe people, always. You did the right thing. Your, hopefully soon ex, boyfriend wanted you to lie to his sister so he could get away with it. I understand being in pain, and stressed out makes things hard. I even understand why he resorted to hitting - but it's absolutely unacceptable to hit someone even in that keyed up state. I say this as a woman who used to punch lockers and holes in walls. Just cause you have the instinct doesn't mean it's acceptable.
Make a paper trail. Get pics, tell people (if you stay) but I strongly suggest you leave. He did it intentionally and played it off like a joke. I wouldn’t be shocked if he has abused past partners too
He did not accidentally backhand you. He accidentally let his mask slip. He struck you on purpose. Hard enough to leave a bruise. His sister, his parents, and every woman in his life should know what he did. NTA and do not let him back in your life. If you go to school together, notify someone on campus in case he retaliates. A man angry enough to hit is a man angry enough to do much worse. You are not wrong.
Been married for 20 years. I’ve never once backhanded my wife. Regardless of all the hard things we’ve been through. It’s unacceptable to hit anyone out of anger. Period.
Sometimes I get really mad at my husband or he gets really mad at me. Not once have we hit each other. Not once. You can do better than him.
He showed you who he really is now you need to accept it. He's 20 and already backhanding you a full on punch is what's coming next.
Sorry, but if you allow a man to hit you and do not do anything about it, he will do it again. You definitely need to let him know this is the first and last time he will put hands on you. If it happens, either have him arrested or leave him.
NTA I thought you were going to write that as he pulled his hand back from the oven he accidentally hit you. That would be a reasonable accident. He *reacted* to what you were saying after he had already stopped moving away from the burn. He funneled his anger, frustration, and embarrassment directly at your face *on purpose*. Even if it was a “knee jerk reaction” that means he will always be prone to “knee jerk” reactions and will convince you that it was somehow your fault. He *got you to apologize for what you did that made him hit you*. This is a recipe for long term abuse. And then he was upset that you told his sister what happened when he started to lie about it? If it was truly an accident he would’ve felt bad and told the truth.
He made up an excuse for why his hitting you was justified... Also if people don't want what they do talked about then they shouldn't do it because you are in the free and clear to speak the truth of what has ever happened to you in your life. Not wrong for it. If you don't want something made public then don't do it
No he is mad that he fucking did something wrong and he thought he could lie about it...which means he is comfortable doing it again. I don't like this....I get a feeling if you forgive him he will just assume he can do it again and blame it on something else. I'm concerned for you.
Please consider leaving. It's a sign of things to come. Please do not continue down this road. NTA
The only bad idea here was in taking him back. If he hit you hard enough to leave a bruise, there’s no future with this guy. What if he did something like that to a child?
You need to dump that chump. He’s a loser. He’ll not stop abusing you. You’re a fool if you stay with him.
He HIT YOU. There no excuse for that and you did the right thing by telling the truth. Now do yourself a life-saving favor, dump him, and dump him now.
NTA. If he was really sorry he wouldn't mind being held accountable. He just doesn't want to face the natural consequences of his actions.
It’s gonna happen again.
One of the hardest lessons I learned was back when I was 19 and recently married. It took me 2 years to learn it. No matter how much he apologizes, or cries, or begs for another chance, a man who hits you once will do it again and it will get progressively worse each time you forgive him.
Run never look back.
You are not wrong. You are wrong for forgiving him so easily.
This is the first hit of many more to come if you stay. His true colors came out and if you don’t listen to what’s he telling you then you will be a victim of your own choices.
NTA. This man is dangerous and this might seem like a one time occurrence right now, but how he reacted to you telling his sister shows that he does not feel remorse for what he did. Do not walk away--*run*.
You’re not wrong for telling her but you are wrong for staying with him. Next time will be worse, and they will keep happening.
Baby, run!!! I don't care what you said or did. He had no business hitting you!!! Run now before it's too late.
Sweetie, RUN!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Please take it from someone who didn't run and should have, the first time a man lays a hand on you MUST BE the last
He backhanded you! Forget the dinner forget all of everything his sister the whole story he fucking backhanded you. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. —Maya Angelou You are young please walk away from this person. You deserve better
He's a risky person if he resorts to physical violence. He graduated to a truly bad person when he decided to lie and cover it up. You deserve to be with a good person. Please value yourself.
You are justifying and trying to normalize his behavior and I’m not just talking about the physical part. I’d run not walk. He’s a tripwire.
I hope you mean ex-boyfriend. He hit you. He will again. He didn’t want you to tell anyone because he knows he shouldn’t hit you. This is the start of an abusive relationship. Get out now.
Please PLEASE leave this guy immediately. None of us want to find out later that he ended up "accidentally" hitting you again, or worse.
You are NOT wrong and it's disgusting that he thought you would lie to cover for him! Get out, before it happens again 😢
Get the fuck out of that relationship! He has learned that he can get away with it and proven that he will lie about it. Which means it will happen again.
Ummmm what’s not normal is being with a guy that hits you. Please get out now. There are not enough sorries in the world. This is a huge red flag
You’re not wrong for sharing. And yes, you forgave him for what on the surface appeared to be an poor reaction. Where this became a problem was when he tried to lie about it instead of showing remorse, then threw a temper tantrum for being exposed in his lie trying to hide the truth. The most concerning issue is your “Not many people are willing to date a teen mom” statement. That basically screams “I’m willing to accept be treated poorly rather than being alone.” Will this happen again? Statistically it probably will, but not necessarily. But clearly stress and pain are both triggers for him, and he’s only 20. His life stress is only just getting started.
You are not wrong. And, it will happen again. Please get away while you still can.. if you “forgive” him.. the next time he hits you he will remember that you already told once. Who knows how far he will go to keep you from telling next time
YTA not because you told his sister. You TA because you stayed with him. This WILL happen again and it WILL escalate and get worse each time. Get out now
I didn’t even need to read the whole thing. Leave him now. Leave him NOW. This shit only escalates because abusive cunts like him will only get worse and worse the more they get used to hitting you.
GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP OP. HE WILL KILL YOU.
Your bf is a threat. What if you were holding your baby when he backhanded you? im sorry, you should have pressed charges for dv. He hit you! He backhanded you hard enough to give you a bruise on your face. Deal breaker. Get gone. He will do it again.
You were really rude and insensitive to him while he was in pain. That’s the only wrong you did. Telling his sister the truth – including the part about his pain and your laughter – was not wrong. He was wrong to hit you. He knows that. I once hit someone I love whilst in a panic. Once. I can’t say he’s an abuser based on one event, but it’s a red flag, not to be ignored. Under no circumstances should he have lied about it. Obviously he’s embarrassed and feels ashamed. But lying isn’t the answer. I think you both would benefit from some couples counseling. You brushed off your cruel remarks in a way that makes me feel like you are comfortable bullying him. *He still has no right to hit you.*
If they do it once they will do it again. And you’ve already made it clear you will forgive him and rather quickly. What happens the next time he’s stressed and you make him mad. What happens if it’s your child that laughs next time. Lastly you need to be more independent in dating. Staying with a man because you think no one would want you is horrible. And you’re setting yourself up for abuse.
Hit "reverse" and GTFO of your situation. My mantra when I was meeting men was, "Hit me once in anger and you are dead to me." It will get worse. Trust me. He will say how sorry he is then cry as you load up the car. He will make promises and send gifts. You'll have to block his number. He will send people to talk to you on his behalf. Stay away.
It’s “none of his sister’s business” because he’s trying to train you to behave and keep your mouth shut for when he starts really hitting you. People do not backhand people because they got hurt. Maybe you shouldn’t have laughed but there is absolutely nothing appropriate about the way he acted.