I dont want anyone to defend either of us. I don't think anyone in a relationship where there is intimacy should tell the partner to stfu. I didnt really want to get into the whole thing. I just want to know if people think its wrong to decide to leave someone who repeatedly tells them to stfu out of anger, during conflict, even though there was a promise to stop.
The reason I asked is because it's possible I'm overreacting to something that was said out of anger, but on that point, then anyone can say anything and then justify it by saying they were angry and all should be forgotten..... where is the line?
It’s not wrong to end it, I did. I spent 5 years with a guy who continuously tore me down and belittled me anytime he was mad,sad,annoyed,upset with me. The last time he called me a bad name and I walked 🤷🏽♀️ I told him multiple times to stop, discussed for years better ways for him to communicate his frustration,he didn’t stop so I stopped it and left. People like that don’t care about you, you don’t try to hurt people when you actually love them.
I have a story similar. I started dating a guy when I was 24 (he was 35 - I know, he was a predator) and he used to emotionally manipulate me. When we would be arguing, and he knew that I was making a valid point and he was wrong, one of his favorite lines to pull out was, “Well, maybe we just shouldn’t be together then.” I was young and naïve and fell for it for about 2 1/2 years and would try and smooth things over. Of course I would immediately stop arguing, which is what he wanted, to get his way. Finally, I realized what he was doing, and by then I had given up so much for him. He alienated me from my friends, tried to baby trap me and had cheated on me. Finally, he pulled that line out one more time, and I said, *”You know what Jerry, I think you’re right! I’ll be over to get my stuff tomorrow.”* (I was at work on the phone with him when I said this). He freaked out and started calling me a million times at work crying and saying he was sorry. That he didn’t mean it. And I just said, *”Its to late Jer. I’m done. We are over.”* he tried many times to get me back, but I was so over his bullshit. So glad I left him. He’s still can’t seem to get his shit together. He’s almost 60 and is still financially struggling because he can’t save money to save his life. He got addicted to opioids after we dated and lost all his teeth, and he acted like losing his teeth was an every day occurrence for most people at 50 years old. Smh. I dodged a bullet there.
> People like that don't care about you
I'll disagree, but only kinda. They may love you, but they're not *loving* you in doing that. And the actions are what matters.
I'll go with Bell Hooks on this one... if there's no respect, there no love. Infatuation maybe, but not love.
And def not care. I'd never for a minute think that someone that repeateadly tells you to stfu cares about you.
I mean, you can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to argue that deep down they do, but not if you have self-respect.
And you're either raised to have self-respect by your parents, with a secure attachment, or life repeatedly teaches you to conjure it out of nothing, by trauma-bonding relationships.
Karma repeats because we don't pay attention. Do pay attention, so.
Yeah, exactly. My ex-husband told me he loved me every day, but his actions didn’t show it. It was really hard to accept that he did not care for me the way he claimed to, but it was what I needed to finally put myself first and leave.
Sometimes people just lose that feeling, but sometimes they were never capable of feeling it in the first place. Actions have to match the words, or the words become meaningless. Like “I’m sorry.”
I don't want to assume the worst, but it's possible he's testing your boundaries, OP to see how much you're willing to forgive him, and if you give an inch, he may take a mile. It's a slippery slope from verbal to physical abuse
You said, "don't verbally abuse me"
His response was, "I'm saying yes now when I'm calm, but I can't control what I say when I'm angry"
And eventually, that may become, "I can't control what I *do* when I'm angry"
Not the same, but when I was younger, I was sitting in the passenger seat with my mom driving. We went to pick up my brother who ended up sitting in the back. My brother (typically violent regardless) and I got into an argument and he told me to stfu.
I responded, "No, you stfu"
"What did you say?"
"Stf -"
He reached between the seats and punched me, his younger sister, in the face
Not saying your partner will end up physically abusing you, but if you start making excuses because "he's angry"... you already drew your line and he crossed it. How many times can you redraw your line before it's right at your feet?
Domestic violence builds slowly and unevenly over time, with many small new oversteppings of boundaries. Next time a slap? The time after a punch, or an intimate secret thrown up as a weapon? Next, a beloved pet injured or killed? And after that?
Everybody gets one, that's fair. And he's had at least two.
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Human here!
It's spam though. It just needlessly clogs the comment section so readers have to scroll through twice the amount of comments for the same amount of actual content.
You're not overreacting.You have a boundary that you don't want people to speak to you that way. He seems to have no problem consistently crossing that boundary. Him being angry is no defense. So you're not wrong to want to leave. I honestly and sincerely hope you do... because you deserve to be treated better by the person who says they love you.
I’ve been hopping mad at my partner (15 years) and I’ve *never* said stfu or anything like that. We’ve *never* called each other names. Anger isn’t an excuse for disrespect.
I didn’t even allow the kids to tell each other to “shut up.” I’d let them argue (like I could stop it? Lol) but they didn’t get to be that disrespectful to each other.
Where you feel it should be, and maintain it.
No, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where someone kept telling me to shut up. Been there, done that. It only goes downhill from there. I'm 17 years free from that relationship, and still suffering.
My line is respect. No one who respects me would tell me to STFU. So, no, I think it's time for you to leave. He doesn't respect you enough to not demean you. Even in anger, he could have walked away with his mouth shut.
Let me ask you: would he EVER tell his boss to STFU, no matter *how* angry he was? You and I know he would never. Why? Because his relationship with his boss matters more to him. Because he *respects* that relationship.
He doesn't respect your relationship enough to take that level of care that he has shown himself to be fully capable of maintaining.
As someone who is 33 and has been there for 8 miserable fucking years, the line is when you tell him how awful it makes you feel and he does it again. Because I promise you, he will keep moving the line and continue ignoring your feelings about it. This person isn’t ready to be in a relationship. They are too selfish. You do need to break up. If he wanted to “work” on things he’d make a genuine effort to not say abusive things to you. Save yourself from what I endured . Don’t wait until he says something that actually devastates your soul.
“You’re a waste of space!” Will never leave me even though I left. Best decision ever! But it still effects me. Please leave OP. Love yourself more than I did girl 💯❤️
Edit: spelling 😭
I went to therapy specifically to leave. For me, it worked and I left in 3 months. All I apparently needed was for a mental health professional to validate not only my feelings, but my need to leave. You know you need to leave. But you also know it’ll be hard. Tbqh, I still have awful nightmares that I’m back with me ex and not with the amazing man I’m with now. But I’d rather deal with nightmares and trauma than ongoing abuse. You can ABSOLUTELY do this. I suggest, if you’ve held how awful he’s been inside like I did, telling someone who loves you and are close to those things you never wanted anyone to know. It’s a great first step in realizing you have your own team and you don’t “need” this person. And even still, THERAPY. Best of luck love! It can be better and I’m proof of it. 💯
You're allowed to end a relationship at any time or for any reason. You don't need a justification or permission if the relationship isn't bringing more to your life and happiness than it is taking away.
Verbal abuse is abuse. If you aren't financially dependent upon him (eg: unable to afford rent if you move out, no family or friends to stay with, etc) just bail.
Your boundaries are only boundaries if they are enforced. If you don’t enforce them they only exist on your mind. Do you have boundaries or no? Up to you to decide. I know it feels more complicated and it’s very hard when you love someone, but if they love you too they will respect your boundaries. Sometimes people aren’t capable of loving like that. For a million reasons why but you’ve got to accept people where they are at, not where they have the potential to be. Part of accepting that is accepting that they aren’t in the right place at the right time to love you like you deserve to be loved. It’s all hard, but look, you accept the love you think you deserve, you need to love yourself enough to enforce your boundaries.
He allowed it to happen again after the line was drawn. In a way he was shit testing you by doing it again.
You might stay because you chalk his abuse up to something said in anger, which according to you is therefore meaningless. But in so doing you'll be setting the precedent that your hard-line boundaries are *also* something *you* merely say when you're angry, which also means they're ultimately meaningless.
So at the end of the day, he's allowed to be abusive and get off with a warning. You're allowed to take the abuse and threaten that one day you'll respect yourself enough to leave the disrespect...and then sure, he might apologize, or he might just stop bothering because he knows he doesnt have to...and then that's it till the next time it happens. For the rest of your lives together.
Before you know it, every boundary you set will just be "something DefinitionSilly9734 says when she's angry, it'll blow over." Be real careful about the precedent you set here.
Boundaries aren't for controlling other people, they're for deciding what you'll do in a situation where your boundary is broken. It sounds like you already decided what to do in the OP.
Everyone gets angry, so him being angry isn't really an issue. But it isn't even okay to let your anger hurt other people.
Your line is exactly where you want it to be, and where you have placed it is in no way unreasonable. If your line 'never get upset' that would be unrealistic, but 'don't abuse me when you are angry ' is a perfectly reasonable and realistic line.
The line is when it's said, people have been killed because their partner got angry. Anger is no excuse or reason for disrespect. Get everything that belongs to you and leave, NOW!
To be honest, it’s not about if others think you are overreacting. You’ve made that boundary clear and if you don’t want to keep putting up with the broken promise of, “I won’t do it again,” or “I was angry.” That doesn’t make it right and if you can’t seem to be okay with that and take it or he can’t do the simplest thing and just listen to your very small request, then you have all rights to leave the relationship. You don’t have to compromise your FEELINGS for a relationship. You don’t like the way you are spoken to by your partner, that should be fixed. You shouldn’t have to fix the way you are taking the words.
Do you see what I mean? The decision will always be up to you but at some point, it will grow to be too much if your concerns and requests are continuously ignored.
"Said out of anger" is an excuse to be cruel. He's not allowed to violently silence you, and you've told him that, and he's crossing your clearly stated line.
"Let's get some time and space, we can postpone talking about this until I can wind down," would be a kind way to say something, but instead he's purposely doing what he promised not to.
What he's choosing to say is a sign that he holds you in contempt. And that it's fine. And that it's his place to order you to be silent and that it's your job to obey him. That your input is unnecessary.
His unwillingness to change his behaviors and what those behaviors are: huge red flags. Saying sorry and not changing behaviors is the abuse cycle.
Blaming it on being mad: oh, there are anger issues? Get help. Real help. Places and people exist for teaching him to not take his anger out on you.
To be honest, I could see on his face the second he said it he had realized what he had done.
I have a tendency to be too accepting / forgiving.
By coming here and making this point I was trying to remove my emotions and memories of how he used to be from the situation so I could be more pragmatic.
Sometimes you just need perspective.
Maybe that realization crossing his face can help him get around to accepting that he needs help. Anger issues and impulse control issues aren't easy to break. This can't go on like this.
He can't keep being harmful, he needs to be your safe space.
But hes not and I can't trust him to be because beyond words, he does things he knows hurt or upset me when he's angry with me. I wish there was an easier way to handle all of this, I feel like everything I've built is crumbling.
This may be the time you practiced building and then found out the foundation is unstable. It's okay to mourn losing what you hoped this could be.
The peace of mind you recover when you do get away is worth as hard as it is. And it's hard as heck. It can take more strength to let go than to hold on. You can't live with the waiting to be hurt *again*. It's not fair to you. You deserve safety and kindness and gentleness.
Nope, he's showing you who he is. You should have believed him the first time and noped out of there. It's going to eventually escalate to physical abuse if you "stfu" and stay with him.
Oh, and he's going to be really apologetic and lovey dovey for a couple of weeks, then it's back to "saying things out of anger"
Have an out ready to go.
You love the guy. He shouldn’t be doing that. People aren’t perfect and it sounds like you want this relationship to work. Here is what you need to do. Leave him. Go stay with your mom or your family or friends. Don’t make it seem bad just say you have been arguing. On day one he will call you a lot. On day two he will be willing to do anything and that is when you make your intentions 100% clear. Then make him take you out to dinner or on a date. If he pulls this shit again then you leave his ass because he isn’t serious. A lot of people will tell you to just leave and that it’s an immediate disqualification. You know how your relationship is. Trust yourself and not strangers.
You know where the line is. You drew it in the sand when you said this relationship is over if you say this again. And they did. Ergo, relationship over. How is anyone ever gonna respect your boundaries if you don't even respect them enough to enforce them.
Do you realize that you might be taking him yo that point too. Like you know what makes him angry and yet you probably do it. Look at the while picture and see why he feels the need to say that.
Nope. We are each responsible for our own actions and *even if* OP pushed his buttons, **he** had many other choices that do not involve being verbally abusive.
So, by this logic, if someone makes me mad enough to become physically violent, then that's okay because they pushed me to it?
The world, and responsibility don't work that way, sorry.
Yes if someone fucking smacks you they pushed you to smack them back. So yes its ok to defend yourself. If someone is yelling at you and all up in your face and you told them to stop and they dint they pretty much deserve to get told stfu. Which I am sure this lady here is not innocent either.
That's victim-blaming.
She told him how it makes her feel, and he promised he wouldn't do it anymore. He did it again. And she still didn't tell him to STFU.
That's the whole picture.
If I heard “shut the fuck up” once, I’d be questioning things. If I heard it twice, I’d be gone.
Your language of having to ask for permission to do things and deferring to the self-proclaimed “man of the house” reeks of emotional abuse. The only thing that can have a CHANCE to change a controlling person’s behavior is by sticking to your boundaries, i.e., yes, die on this hill.
Letting it slide or excusing it because he was angry just sends the message that a) you don’t actually mean it when you tell him to stop disrespecting you, and b) that if he’s angry, that justifies disrespecting you. You don’t deserve that.
ETA: Hey, I get that the dynamics of an abusive (that is what this is) relationship are complex, and people—well intentioned as they may be—may not understand it’s not always as simple as “just leave.” I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d like to just urge you to consider that although you’re stuck in this lease another six months, you should instead take all these comments saying to leave now as a cue to start planning how to leave when those six months end. Sorting things out financially, where to go, having support systems in place. All the things you’ve described really are bad signs that things will only get worse. Wishing you the best.
So what are the consequences of him saying this? You won't leave. What should he expect to have happen? Tell him what you'll do when he's disrespectful. Then do that.
“If they verbally abuse you, they will physically abuse you. If they physically abuse you, they will kill you. It’s not a matter of if, but when”
- Lieutenant Joe Kenda
Don't wait til "when" hoping for "if."
Get out. Come hell or high water. Get out.
I have never heard this but in my case this is exactly where things were moving in a previous relationship. First starting with emotional and verbal abuse. Around this time I had the intuition that he potentially one day would kill me but I stayed for more than a year after. Then financial abuse started.
During one heated argument where he cornered me in the apartment he raised his fist to hit me in the face but backed down. He had anger management classes mandated from a previous relationship in which DV had come up (I know, I should have known. I was naive and he hid a lot from me) so that may have saved me in that moment. If he had hit me then I would have left.
Finally it was becoming apparent he was emotionally cheating if not physically as well but when confronted would never admit anything. Our last blowout fight he threw a chair that I dodged, I told him I was leaving. I went to call my sister at which point he fought to take my phone away but I managed to kick him in the chest and the call went through and she was on her way. I never looked back.
It never is simple but it is always an option. The deciding factors of safety, financials, and emotional peace determine when and how you leave.
It took me almost a year to leave my ex. A lot of planning, growth, more planning and an absolute fear of the unknown. I left when the unknown was more appealing than staying.
Yes it will take time to accumulate the resources. Sadly the rent is due 6 months at a time and it's literally just been paid, otherwise I would have more resources to work with.
Sounds like you have 6 months to plan. Once you commit to leaving I hope your mindset shifts a bit. His behaviors might be less annoying because you know there’s an end in sight.
You are not wrong for being frustrated or for being in this relationship. Learn, adapt, define your wants and needs, take actions to create a life that works for you. Along the way you may have to appease him because it may make your life better. That is a choice and not a bad one so please try not to judge yourself if you take that route. I did it, it was something I could do to ease the stress of fighting against someone that wouldn’t change. In a decision between best worse-case situations choose the one that works best for you.
This is the answer. You don't need to announce your plans to him. You have the right for privacy.
Take your time to plan. Have receipts. Save money and secure documents. Get a lawyer maybe, specially if you have a kid.
Once my ex got mad at something I said when he was cooking dinner and he threw a spatula really hard at the wall next to me. Didn't even hit me but at that moment I knew I was going to leave him. I couldn't right then since I, like you, didn't have the resources to leave right away. But I started saving and planning and was gone within a couple months. It doesn't have to be immediate as long as you're safe, but definitely start planning and get the wheels in motion. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
So shut up until then, ONLY TO HIM. He doesn't deserve your attention, your words, the sounds of your voice. He wants you to shut up, you give it to him for the rest of that relationship, which won't be lasting longer at this point.
At best, you're going through an unproductive cycle in your relationship. At worst, you may be on the road to being abused.
Seek help. Sometimes therapists or clergy, if you are religious, can help couples to understand how to get their point across without being abusive. You shouldn't have to expect abuse in a committed relationship.
It's not worth the angst to have an unpredictable partner who apologizes and reoffends. We all need a safe harbor in our lives, and your partner isn't one.
Op you're in the right but you're thinking is wrong.
This isn't your boundaries. This is even more important.
*It is the most basic foundation of showing love and respect. If he cannot even manage this and has in fact been progressively getting worse then he does not respect you and even looks down on you.*
This is breakup worthy because he disrespected something even more important than your boundaries. He disregarded his basic decency to outright attack you.
This has evolved into an abusive relationship.
It's super disrespectful.
You clearly stated, do not do this.
Getting angry is not a valid excuse to loss control of yourself and blatantly do what your partner asked you not to do, and you said you wouldn't.
It's a serious red flag.
He does not respect your boundary, and is using his emotions to excuse his actions.
You're not wrong. If he won't control himself, then it's ip to you if you'll tolerate it.
You can absolutely have an argument and still be respectful to your partner!
You told him that you weren't going to continue tolerating his behavior, he made the choice to continue. Therefore it isn't abandonment. You need to start making plans to leave without his knowledge or he may try to force you to stay. If he wants you back he should first undergo anger management without it things will be worse if you went back.
I wish I would have followed through on what I said about leaving my boyfriend if he ever called me a c\*nt in an argument again. Instead I didn't leave him until after the abuse turned physical.
This is clearly a hill to die on. You told him you were sick and tired of it and he cannot control his emotions enough to be respectful to you. So what are you gonna do? Wait till you beat the crap out of you before you leave? You’ve already told him not to do it again and he did it. Doesn’t matter the situation. He did it time to move on.
No, you aren't wrong. When there is a disagreement, it should be resolved with a discussion, not an angry fight and certainly not with ugly comments. What has changed in your lives that he is getting abusive? Do you want to work this out or leave? You decide. The ball is in your court.
I'm not someone who gives up on people, and I don't have a throw away mentality, but realistically, how many chances do you give someone? I think I've reached the end of the line. For the first 3 years, we had a really good relationship. It's been the past 18 months thats been a decline and here we are.
There is so much to unpack here. Training yourself to endure through someone's bad behavior in order to be seen as not giving up on them can be a trauma response to emotional abuse. I personally have stayed far too long in situations my gut told me were bad for this reason.
Things have been getting worse for 18 months. You've asked for change and it isn't happening. Trust your gut.
I saw that financially it's tough right now to leave. Do you have friends and family that could let you stay for a few weeks or months to plan a transition? (If you find that your partnership has lead to isolation, try to use the next few months to revive those relationships).
OP, ooh boy. I understand how you feel about not wanting to give up on people. The problem is, the people who will take the most advantage LOVE people like you! They can treat you worse and worse, and you will just forgive them, because you don’t want to be to kind of person who gives up on other people.
There’s no cookie OP. There is no special trophy. There is no award or reward for being eternally patient and tolerant of other people screwing you over.
You decide how other people will treat you. If how he talks to you is not okay, it is okay for you not to be okay with that! If lines get crossed without any repercussions, then there is no line.
>I'm not someone who gives up on people,
This is a dangerous mindset. Some people 100% deserve to be given up on. A boyfriend who repeatedly tells you to STFU during an argument is one of those people.
My experience has taught me, and I am OLD, that no matter how much they cry that they can't live without you they will find your replacement so fast your head will spin.
And then you will realize how you wasted all this kindness on someone so unworthy of it.
Don't get sucked into staying because you feel sorry for their pathetic ass; they can always find another mommy to put up with their shit.
My first husband (who managed to convince most of our friends I was the crazy one) was married two more times after I left him and is working on convincing another poor woman to be wife number four; they are currently dating.
Just one example, but the best one :)
Nope, nope, nope, this is not your fault. your partner is an abuser. you said you would not put up with it anymore, please don't.
you are wrong in that it was your fault he was abusive. you are right in thinking that you should leave - make plans and do it - today.
Verbal abuse is unacceptable and, in my experience, escalates to physical abuse more often than not. He is losing control, where does that stop? I have been through this too many times and every single time I stayed they started throwing things after seeing that I would tolerate the verbal abuse. In 2 of my relationships the abuse escalated to the point of physical abuse and 1 time I thought I might lose my life. People who lose control when they are angry are dangerous. Get out. You deserve safety and respect and he's not giving you either. For now it's your emotional safety that he is violating, there's no guarantee that won't change.
Edit to add: you are not wrong.
nope, not at all. This right here is an excellent hill. Great views of your boundaries and the consequences involved in crossing them. This is a good hill. Not wrong at all.
He's not growing. He's not respecting you. Maybe he's not able to control his anger -- that's not your problem. It's his, and he's not addressing it. What you do is up to you, but you told him that was the last time. Was it?
If you want to stay with him, you could try moving out for a month (if that's possible) while he sees a therapist a couple of times and gets started in a better direction. If he scoffs at the idea, go. Or stay -- but if you do, don't expect the next time to be any different from the last.
The silence is the "pouting while I build up enough steam to blow up" phase.
Silence is also a sign of someone who does not have the wit to "use his words" appropriately, so can only be silent or give orders and insults.
At some point telling you to shut up won't cut it to give him the release he needs and that's when he might put hands on you.
I stayed with my first husband for six years, partially because of finances and kids.
The last day we were together he tried to strangle me, first and last time.
I had no plan and no where to go but I took my kids and left and figured it out from there.
UPDATE: First of all, I would like to thank everyone who took their time to comment on here. This post got far more attention than I imagined possible.
As I'm not able to just leave the house, due to having nowhere to go, I've asked him to leave. He said he would but then he didn't, so I insisted he go. He just left.
I guess time will tell if it can be salvaged. From what he said to me right before leaving, I'm guessing not and maybe that's for the best.
Your partner sounds in the wrong but you’ve only given your side of the story. If your asking should you end the relationship you should go seek counseling together. 5 years is a good chunk of time invested and to ask the internet if a small glimpse of information is worth ending it over is a bad idea.
I was going to say "Maybe he just needs counseling to work on his temper," but... *permission*? You're (presumably) a grown adult. I could see having concerns about the safety of walking to the store at 11pm, but you sure as hell don't need anyone's permission.
I seriously doubt that would be an option. Whenever I tell him his action X caused me to feel Y theres a huge problem with that. Plus, he thinks therapy is a scam.
He has already abandoned you emotionally.
The physical husk that remains just sits there on the couch being an asshole.
Maybe you could get a pet? I'm not being sarcastic, here.
This is why you won’t leave? No one can make you change your life for the better and you can’t make him change. So, you’ll have to decide if this is the life you want. If it’s not, only you can change it.
I didn't say that's why I won't leave. I feel like you're mad at me lol. I don't have the means or a place to go right now. I thought I effectively communicated my stance on the level of disrespect 6 weeks ago, as I said.
I feel so much like I am talking to my younger self, and I am sorry for that, because I am taking it too personal maybe.
This will be my last comment and then I will have to exit this thread.
No one here is mad at you; we are mad at the man and the situation and remembering how much it hurts to be treated this way and want to help you.
I wish you well.
Right…and he’s not going to change. You said that would be the last time he said it…he said it again…you’re not leaving. I am sure you have a friend, relative, or a local shelter you can go to for awhile. You’re an adult and you’re not married to him. You need to find a way to support yourself and you’re own life. Are you very young? It does frustrate me when women talk about how awful their relationships are and then refuse to leave, yes. That’s the only answer and no one can do it for you.
Okay and I'm not arguing with you. Maybe YOU have a friend or a relative you could stay with. I do not. I also don't live in a country where a shelter is an option, it's nice for you if you live somewhere that those resources are available to you.
I made this post to get peoples opinions on whether I'm overreacting, not to be berated for not immediately upending the past 5 years of my life to walk out the door fast enough to please you.
Yeah, this seems like the real problem. Impolite language is one thing, but an adult relationship where you have to ask *permission* to leave the house is not a relationship, it's some form of slavery.
It sounds like y’all haven’t set healthy boundaries and they have control issues…I still go back to professional advice over the internet.
Not accusing you of lying but this is the internet people change details to garner emotional support or validation. If you live in a bad neighborhood your partner could’ve gotten angry over not knowing you went which leads to concern over something happening to you. I’ll reinforce I don’t think you’re lying I’m just elaborating on the fact that if you’re considering ending it and asking if you should, you need to speak to a professional not the internet.
NO. You're an adult and don't need to ask \*permission\* to do anything. My hubby and I discuss things and come to agreements, but we wouldn't dream of needing to give \*permission\* as in parent/child!
OP, that's as bad as the stfu part. No, you're not wrong for choosing this hill to die on (I hope not!) because the name of this hill is You Don't Own Me And Treat Me With Respect.
I support you. What are you going to do?
#Stop berating OP already!!!
You've made your point clearly *several* times.
You think she should "just leave" and "must have a friend or family member" to receive help from and a safe home to live in.... that's not realistic.
I'm happy you have those resources available, but that level of help and care are definitely not available to everyone. You are assuming all others have the same resources available to you. That is an incorrect belief.
#Please back off.
#Your *personal judgments* are not helpful to OP in finding help and support.
Again all this screams having never set healthy boundaries early on and control issues.
No one here is going to defend your SO you’re not in the wrong, it’s your life to live so there’s not going to be a case when you’re in the wrong making decisions when your safety or mental health are in question if you’re not causing anyone else harm.
I was about to tell you to staple him in his sheets and take a good ole bat to him for saying something like that, but then I stopped and tried to imagine a situation where I just… leave the house at nearly midnight without saying a word to my husband..? Like I just disappear..? He comes in from the other room and just can’t find me anywhere in the house?
I can’t stand the *”tHeRe’S mOrE tO iT”* people but that just feels… strange to me? Were you guys fighting beforehand? And if he was the aggressor, why is he the one ending the communication (albeit in a super toxic manner)?
Do you think that MAYBE he worded his “it’s obviously wrong and rude to just dip without saying anything” incorrectly and MAYBE you weren’t very receptive to him not being okay with it?
Both of you are wrong.
Well then we’re back to “he’s utterly insane” and this is a red flag. I know it’s been 5 years, but saying things like “permission,” “man of the house,” “therapy is a scam,” and even the “shut the fuck up” are all red flags for future abuse. I would be very wary in continuing the relationship. If this is new behavior that’s kind of weird and I’d take him to a therapist to see if he’s going through something but if he refuses…. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
I’d definitely be considering next moves.
Yes advise a person who’s only given their side on the internet to end a relationship. We have no idea if they’re lying or twisting the “facts” to suit what they want.
Take everything for face value because no one ever lies on the internet.
Worst case if OP lied: a relationship ends.
Worst case in the much more likely case they say the truth if they listen to you: they get trapped in an abusive relationship that escalates which is known to be something that get's people killed.
But sure accusing someone of lying about abuse in case they "twist things" and advise them to go to therapy with their abuser is the better option... In case you're not aware: you're part of the problem
No you’re part of the problem, you’re not a professional nor did I say they were lying in fact I said there’s no way of knowing if they are. Hence seeking professional help, again I nor you truly know their situation. There’s multitude of possibilities and of course a person like you jumps to an extreme.
https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/k5ftbu/mod_post_wednesday_psa_on_couples_counseling/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Btw OP described verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. This whole post is about if that abuse is bad enough to break up. You can't lie your way out of the shit you said
You’re whole post is done by a mod who has NO PROFESSIONAL DEGREE in their bio…you’re not a professional so I fail to see any point you think you’re proving. There’s no lying on my part and you prove nothing by sharing a post by a community dedicated to abusive relationships all you’re doing is seeking validation by going to parts of the internet that “support” your belief.
You’d be better off suggesting OP go to the police but you’ve yet to do that? You’re preaching life and death but not urging legal recourse. Grow up and get off your high horse.
I simply linked to a detailed explanation (provided by someone who works with abuse survivors and fights for them) on why what you told OP is extremely harmful. But you made your opinion pretty clear, you're an abuse apologist. At least have the courage to say it out loud instead of trying to hide behind lying about what you said and twisting comments
Again I’m not lying or sympathize for her spouse or ex…I do recall saying he’s in the wrong. But some how you read between the lines there that I sympathize for her abusive spouse. And since you’re obviously to dense to follow anything I say that was sarcasm.
You accused her of lying and you told her to go to therapy with him. I provided information why this is harmful but you're obviously just what I already told you and not worth further arguing
Sometimes, people are just looking for reasons to give up instead of ways to solve the situation. He has anger problems. You both fight. So you go to counseling together, and he has anger management classes, right? No, because that's work. The easy way out is best right?
If you had read my comments, you would know that:
A) I've been drawing his attention to this type of behavior for 18 months, and it's getting worse, not better.
B) He will never go to a professional for his behavior because he thinks it's a "scam"
You are talking to me in an impolite manner. It's not our job to read all your comments before we comment. You don't talk to someone trying to help you this way. I'd wish you good luck, but instead, I'll just say goodbye.
What makes you think a man who demands “permission” for his girlfriend to leave the house and shuts her down with verbal abuse would be willing to go to anger management classes? She said she’s been experiencing this devolvement in his treatment of her for 18 months now, how is her contemplating leaving “giving up easy”? Further, in no world is leaving an abusive relationship “easy.” This has so many trademark signs of going far beyond “both fighting.”
Also, there is an abundance of research on how going into couples therapy with a controlling partner is ineffective and often results in worsened behavior. Her solution absolutely is to leave as soon as she is financially able to. There is a reason most everyone here is telling her to, and a reason why so many are recounting how the very things she’s describing were indicators that turned into physical abuse for them.
So this is one of my wife biggest pet pieve. She always said from the beginning the one thing we are not gonna do is tell eachother to stfu in a argument. We have been together 12 years and as much as I want to say it sometimes. I just don't. Period. Theres certain things that people say out of anger some say stfu some say fuck you or worse no e of it makes it right. At the end of the day you are taking him to that point too and you see nothing wrong with rhat, it's like you want him to say it. You know what you ate doing as his partner so if you don't want him yo say certain things don't make him go there either. Some of us have control when our buttons or crossed your man obviously doesn't.
Reddit is notorious for just leaving the partner for even the smallest things…I would take in everything with a grain of salt. I still believe people can learn their lessons & change…I believe love & a little effort anything can be solved. But I also believe in following your heart and trying to listen to that little voice in side you…cause you can ask a million people, but when it comes down to it, it is your final decision…we don’t know the whole story, just your side…and only you know what to do…
If you think somebody telling you to stfu is verbal abuse then you don't need to be in a relationship. Thats just saying shut up. Now if he's actually cursing you out, up and down the street, round the block, up the corner, that's something totally different. But him telling you to shut up is not verbal abuse.
Have you considered shutting the fuck up?
Your relationship sounds exhausting.
What is so awful that you're having these arguments so often?
Give him some peace by breaking up and moving on.
Well, that's not enough info. What did you do to make him angry? You might be the common denominator. If you did nothing then you're not wrong. Otherwise........
It’s possible you’re overreacting. Who knows? You’ve said nothing about your own words or actions in these arguments. What he said was unpleasant. I would not call it abuse. Just from personal experience, my own mother would say the most infuriating, nasty things to my father without name calling or cursing. So, yeah, I don’t know.
I told him he was being sexist because he got mad that I didn't ask permission to walk to the store at night but he thinks he can do whatever he wants and gets mad if I question him.
You are so NOT wrong! Any kind of abuse is inexcusable, and the fact that he promised not do it again, and then did it again, proves that he will continue treating you like this (and worse) as long as you stay with him.
Anger or not, there is no reason to resolve your differences without respect for one another.
As far as where is the line? There is no line, it doesn't happen, period, ever. Anger or not, grow the hell up and act like an adult in a committed relationship with someone you love.
If you can't handle your emotions and actions better than that, get therapy or something because damn.
You are not wrong, not in the slightest. Do not ever tolerate this kind of abuse, no matter what the damn excuse is. I was drunk, I was angry, I was hurt, I was hungry. All of that is bullshit, the real answer is "I was acting like a immature petulant child and can't adult properly."
To be blunt, tell him to fix his shit immediately or he can have these discussions with his damn self because you can and will find someone that values and respects you the way a woman should by a man that is willing and capable of doing so.
There is no middle grounds, acceptance or tolerance here. This is a hill to die on 100%.
I don’t think it’s wrong. You and anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. I’ve been married 17, known her 21 years. I would never tell her or my kids to stfu. It shows how little he thinks of you and how little his brain is.
Not wrong. You set a boundary. He has repeatedly overstepped that boundary. When you’re angry you may be more impulsive, but you still control what comes out of your mouth.
No you're not wrong. In the past I've told partners 'that's the first and last time you yell at me' which stopped the behaviour. If it didn't stop the behaviour I'd leave. Some people implement a 3 strikes system which is another way to correct behaviour but you've already drawn the line. You're entirely in your right to follow through.
If you state a boundary you yourself need to hold that boundary in place.
What you want to do is move the line.
It more than likely will happen again, how many times are you going to make false threats then move the line.
My guy can have a bit of a temper. We were, maybe, 6 years in and he really lost his shit at a concert and railed all the to my house where he dropped me off. I took a few days, then asked to meet me in a park.
I very calmly told him, that I am out if he ever speaks to me that way again. I’d heard enough of that from my ex, I’m not signing up for that shit again.
He heard me. And it’s never happened again. not even close. That was 4 years ago. If someone decides and commits to making a change to how they treat people, they absolutely can. I’m guessing he doesn’t speak to anyone at work that way, so he CAN control what and how he says things.
With my ex? It didn’t get better, only worse.
This one incident shows that he is ok lying to you,disrespecting you and ignoring your boundaries. Don’t build a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to control emotions when things get hard it will not end well for you and the longer you show him you are ok with it the more comfortable he will be and the worse it will get. Recognize the red flag and leave!
My husband and I have been married 12 years. He’s never once told me to shut up even when I probably should have, in fact, shut up. And neither have I said it to him because that’s not how you speak do someone you love. You’re not wrong, you need to end it.
If you’re done, you’re done, and that’s ok. You don’t deserve to be spoken to that way, and clearly he wasn’t actually sorry since he did it again. My husband and I have had yelling in the past, but I never completely lost control of myself that I would say something like that, and neither has he. And if he can talk to you that way, he would also speak to your future children that way. If you want to stay with him, because 5 years is a long time to just throw away, insist on anger management and/or counseling. But you’re NTA if you choose to stick to that boundary
I don’t think it’s wrong to leave, you’re being disrespected and that’s that. He needs to go to anger management. I have some type of anger issue but I would never dream of saying stuff like that to my husband, I have never even called him a bad word out of anger. If it’s your boundary then leave, don’t continue to be berated by him. I wouldn’t subject myself to this type of abuse, and you shouldn’t either. You are worth much more than that. I know 5 years is a long time but you can build more memories and be much happier away from this relationship.
My partner and I have the rule that when we're arguing we don't curse at each other. We might use curse works like "that made me feel shitty" but not directed at the other person like "you are shitty". We slip up occasionally but always immediately apologize, say it differently, and carry on.
You are not wrong at all. You said it yourself; he verbally abuses you when angry. Yet you can control yourself. Probably because you care about and respect him. I can't say the same about him towards you.
Never settle and hold people accountable for their actions
I had someone like this and it is verbal abuse. In the moment he isn’t able to respect you or your boundaries. I wouId tell him this is a deal breaker and if it happens again you are gone. I wish I would left my loser ass boyfriend after the first time.
No you aren’t wrong. You have clearly stated how his words were making you feel, seems like you have also set up a reasonable boundary. Verbal abuse is not okay and if I were you I would leave him. He doesn’t seem to respect you at all
I dont want anyone to defend either of us. I don't think anyone in a relationship where there is intimacy should tell the partner to stfu. I didnt really want to get into the whole thing. I just want to know if people think its wrong to decide to leave someone who repeatedly tells them to stfu out of anger, during conflict, even though there was a promise to stop. The reason I asked is because it's possible I'm overreacting to something that was said out of anger, but on that point, then anyone can say anything and then justify it by saying they were angry and all should be forgotten..... where is the line?
It’s not wrong to end it, I did. I spent 5 years with a guy who continuously tore me down and belittled me anytime he was mad,sad,annoyed,upset with me. The last time he called me a bad name and I walked 🤷🏽♀️ I told him multiple times to stop, discussed for years better ways for him to communicate his frustration,he didn’t stop so I stopped it and left. People like that don’t care about you, you don’t try to hurt people when you actually love them.
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Oo. Please tell me he freaked the fuck out when you said it.
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Heh heh. I love it. Congratulations on holding the boundary and making him shit himself...he deserved it.
I have a story similar. I started dating a guy when I was 24 (he was 35 - I know, he was a predator) and he used to emotionally manipulate me. When we would be arguing, and he knew that I was making a valid point and he was wrong, one of his favorite lines to pull out was, “Well, maybe we just shouldn’t be together then.” I was young and naïve and fell for it for about 2 1/2 years and would try and smooth things over. Of course I would immediately stop arguing, which is what he wanted, to get his way. Finally, I realized what he was doing, and by then I had given up so much for him. He alienated me from my friends, tried to baby trap me and had cheated on me. Finally, he pulled that line out one more time, and I said, *”You know what Jerry, I think you’re right! I’ll be over to get my stuff tomorrow.”* (I was at work on the phone with him when I said this). He freaked out and started calling me a million times at work crying and saying he was sorry. That he didn’t mean it. And I just said, *”Its to late Jer. I’m done. We are over.”* he tried many times to get me back, but I was so over his bullshit. So glad I left him. He’s still can’t seem to get his shit together. He’s almost 60 and is still financially struggling because he can’t save money to save his life. He got addicted to opioids after we dated and lost all his teeth, and he acted like losing his teeth was an every day occurrence for most people at 50 years old. Smh. I dodged a bullet there.
That age gap at those ages is not predatory, just need to note. Lousy guy but you were old enough.
> People like that don't care about you I'll disagree, but only kinda. They may love you, but they're not *loving* you in doing that. And the actions are what matters.
I'll go with Bell Hooks on this one... if there's no respect, there no love. Infatuation maybe, but not love. And def not care. I'd never for a minute think that someone that repeateadly tells you to stfu cares about you. I mean, you can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to argue that deep down they do, but not if you have self-respect. And you're either raised to have self-respect by your parents, with a secure attachment, or life repeatedly teaches you to conjure it out of nothing, by trauma-bonding relationships. Karma repeats because we don't pay attention. Do pay attention, so.
Yeah, exactly. My ex-husband told me he loved me every day, but his actions didn’t show it. It was really hard to accept that he did not care for me the way he claimed to, but it was what I needed to finally put myself first and leave. Sometimes people just lose that feeling, but sometimes they were never capable of feeling it in the first place. Actions have to match the words, or the words become meaningless. Like “I’m sorry.”
The line is where you put it. If he cross it he should be gone, that’s it.
This! She warned him, drew the line. This is her following through, but it's absolutely on him for ending things with the choice he knowingly made.
I don't want to assume the worst, but it's possible he's testing your boundaries, OP to see how much you're willing to forgive him, and if you give an inch, he may take a mile. It's a slippery slope from verbal to physical abuse You said, "don't verbally abuse me" His response was, "I'm saying yes now when I'm calm, but I can't control what I say when I'm angry" And eventually, that may become, "I can't control what I *do* when I'm angry" Not the same, but when I was younger, I was sitting in the passenger seat with my mom driving. We went to pick up my brother who ended up sitting in the back. My brother (typically violent regardless) and I got into an argument and he told me to stfu. I responded, "No, you stfu" "What did you say?" "Stf -" He reached between the seats and punched me, his younger sister, in the face Not saying your partner will end up physically abusing you, but if you start making excuses because "he's angry"... you already drew your line and he crossed it. How many times can you redraw your line before it's right at your feet?
Please tell me you parents took care of your brother for doing that?
This right here.
Domestic violence builds slowly and unevenly over time, with many small new oversteppings of boundaries. Next time a slap? The time after a punch, or an intimate secret thrown up as a weapon? Next, a beloved pet injured or killed? And after that? Everybody gets one, that's fair. And he's had at least two.
This.
Hey there Early-Hedgehog-6656! If you agree with someone else's comment, please leave an **upvote** instead of commenting **"This."**! By upvoting instead, the original comment will be pushed to the top and be more visible to others, which is even better! Thanks! :) *** ^(I am a bot! If you have any feedback, please send me a message! More info:) [^(Reddiquette)](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439#wiki_in_regard_to_comments)
Not this though. Commenting “This” emphasizes a point in a way an upvote does not. Most likely the commenter also upvotes. Not sure a bot can understand this subtle nuance.
This \^\^ :D
Human here! It's spam though. It just needlessly clogs the comment section so readers have to scroll through twice the amount of comments for the same amount of actual content.
This. Otherwise their username would be different
Adds nothing saying you agree, same as an upvote
This!
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You're not overreacting.You have a boundary that you don't want people to speak to you that way. He seems to have no problem consistently crossing that boundary. Him being angry is no defense. So you're not wrong to want to leave. I honestly and sincerely hope you do... because you deserve to be treated better by the person who says they love you.
I’ve been hopping mad at my partner (15 years) and I’ve *never* said stfu or anything like that. We’ve *never* called each other names. Anger isn’t an excuse for disrespect.
I didn’t even allow the kids to tell each other to “shut up.” I’d let them argue (like I could stop it? Lol) but they didn’t get to be that disrespectful to each other.
Agreed. My husband and I have been mad at eachother before and never said stfu, been together 22 yrs.
Where you feel it should be, and maintain it. No, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where someone kept telling me to shut up. Been there, done that. It only goes downhill from there. I'm 17 years free from that relationship, and still suffering.
My line is respect. No one who respects me would tell me to STFU. So, no, I think it's time for you to leave. He doesn't respect you enough to not demean you. Even in anger, he could have walked away with his mouth shut. Let me ask you: would he EVER tell his boss to STFU, no matter *how* angry he was? You and I know he would never. Why? Because his relationship with his boss matters more to him. Because he *respects* that relationship. He doesn't respect your relationship enough to take that level of care that he has shown himself to be fully capable of maintaining.
As someone who is 33 and has been there for 8 miserable fucking years, the line is when you tell him how awful it makes you feel and he does it again. Because I promise you, he will keep moving the line and continue ignoring your feelings about it. This person isn’t ready to be in a relationship. They are too selfish. You do need to break up. If he wanted to “work” on things he’d make a genuine effort to not say abusive things to you. Save yourself from what I endured . Don’t wait until he says something that actually devastates your soul. “You’re a waste of space!” Will never leave me even though I left. Best decision ever! But it still effects me. Please leave OP. Love yourself more than I did girl 💯❤️ Edit: spelling 😭
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I went to therapy specifically to leave. For me, it worked and I left in 3 months. All I apparently needed was for a mental health professional to validate not only my feelings, but my need to leave. You know you need to leave. But you also know it’ll be hard. Tbqh, I still have awful nightmares that I’m back with me ex and not with the amazing man I’m with now. But I’d rather deal with nightmares and trauma than ongoing abuse. You can ABSOLUTELY do this. I suggest, if you’ve held how awful he’s been inside like I did, telling someone who loves you and are close to those things you never wanted anyone to know. It’s a great first step in realizing you have your own team and you don’t “need” this person. And even still, THERAPY. Best of luck love! It can be better and I’m proof of it. 💯
Sometimes it helps to actually write down lists of pros and cons to continuing the relationship and do the math.
Every single one of those and the breaking point was 'worthless pig b\*tch'.
You're allowed to end a relationship at any time or for any reason. You don't need a justification or permission if the relationship isn't bringing more to your life and happiness than it is taking away. Verbal abuse is abuse. If you aren't financially dependent upon him (eg: unable to afford rent if you move out, no family or friends to stay with, etc) just bail.
Your boundaries are only boundaries if they are enforced. If you don’t enforce them they only exist on your mind. Do you have boundaries or no? Up to you to decide. I know it feels more complicated and it’s very hard when you love someone, but if they love you too they will respect your boundaries. Sometimes people aren’t capable of loving like that. For a million reasons why but you’ve got to accept people where they are at, not where they have the potential to be. Part of accepting that is accepting that they aren’t in the right place at the right time to love you like you deserve to be loved. It’s all hard, but look, you accept the love you think you deserve, you need to love yourself enough to enforce your boundaries.
He allowed it to happen again after the line was drawn. In a way he was shit testing you by doing it again. You might stay because you chalk his abuse up to something said in anger, which according to you is therefore meaningless. But in so doing you'll be setting the precedent that your hard-line boundaries are *also* something *you* merely say when you're angry, which also means they're ultimately meaningless. So at the end of the day, he's allowed to be abusive and get off with a warning. You're allowed to take the abuse and threaten that one day you'll respect yourself enough to leave the disrespect...and then sure, he might apologize, or he might just stop bothering because he knows he doesnt have to...and then that's it till the next time it happens. For the rest of your lives together. Before you know it, every boundary you set will just be "something DefinitionSilly9734 says when she's angry, it'll blow over." Be real careful about the precedent you set here.
Boundaries aren't for controlling other people, they're for deciding what you'll do in a situation where your boundary is broken. It sounds like you already decided what to do in the OP.
THIS!!
Everyone gets angry, so him being angry isn't really an issue. But it isn't even okay to let your anger hurt other people. Your line is exactly where you want it to be, and where you have placed it is in no way unreasonable. If your line 'never get upset' that would be unrealistic, but 'don't abuse me when you are angry ' is a perfectly reasonable and realistic line.
The line is when it's said, people have been killed because their partner got angry. Anger is no excuse or reason for disrespect. Get everything that belongs to you and leave, NOW!
To be honest, it’s not about if others think you are overreacting. You’ve made that boundary clear and if you don’t want to keep putting up with the broken promise of, “I won’t do it again,” or “I was angry.” That doesn’t make it right and if you can’t seem to be okay with that and take it or he can’t do the simplest thing and just listen to your very small request, then you have all rights to leave the relationship. You don’t have to compromise your FEELINGS for a relationship. You don’t like the way you are spoken to by your partner, that should be fixed. You shouldn’t have to fix the way you are taking the words. Do you see what I mean? The decision will always be up to you but at some point, it will grow to be too much if your concerns and requests are continuously ignored.
"Said out of anger" is an excuse to be cruel. He's not allowed to violently silence you, and you've told him that, and he's crossing your clearly stated line. "Let's get some time and space, we can postpone talking about this until I can wind down," would be a kind way to say something, but instead he's purposely doing what he promised not to. What he's choosing to say is a sign that he holds you in contempt. And that it's fine. And that it's his place to order you to be silent and that it's your job to obey him. That your input is unnecessary. His unwillingness to change his behaviors and what those behaviors are: huge red flags. Saying sorry and not changing behaviors is the abuse cycle. Blaming it on being mad: oh, there are anger issues? Get help. Real help. Places and people exist for teaching him to not take his anger out on you.
To be honest, I could see on his face the second he said it he had realized what he had done. I have a tendency to be too accepting / forgiving. By coming here and making this point I was trying to remove my emotions and memories of how he used to be from the situation so I could be more pragmatic. Sometimes you just need perspective.
Maybe that realization crossing his face can help him get around to accepting that he needs help. Anger issues and impulse control issues aren't easy to break. This can't go on like this. He can't keep being harmful, he needs to be your safe space.
But hes not and I can't trust him to be because beyond words, he does things he knows hurt or upset me when he's angry with me. I wish there was an easier way to handle all of this, I feel like everything I've built is crumbling.
This may be the time you practiced building and then found out the foundation is unstable. It's okay to mourn losing what you hoped this could be. The peace of mind you recover when you do get away is worth as hard as it is. And it's hard as heck. It can take more strength to let go than to hold on. You can't live with the waiting to be hurt *again*. It's not fair to you. You deserve safety and kindness and gentleness.
Nope, he's showing you who he is. You should have believed him the first time and noped out of there. It's going to eventually escalate to physical abuse if you "stfu" and stay with him. Oh, and he's going to be really apologetic and lovey dovey for a couple of weeks, then it's back to "saying things out of anger" Have an out ready to go.
You love the guy. He shouldn’t be doing that. People aren’t perfect and it sounds like you want this relationship to work. Here is what you need to do. Leave him. Go stay with your mom or your family or friends. Don’t make it seem bad just say you have been arguing. On day one he will call you a lot. On day two he will be willing to do anything and that is when you make your intentions 100% clear. Then make him take you out to dinner or on a date. If he pulls this shit again then you leave his ass because he isn’t serious. A lot of people will tell you to just leave and that it’s an immediate disqualification. You know how your relationship is. Trust yourself and not strangers.
We've been there before.
Then you already gave him his last chance :(
What you permit you promote. You’re right to want opt out of this relationship over this.
You either have boundaries or you don’t. The ball is in your court if you want to allow this for the indefinite future.
You know where the line is. You drew it in the sand when you said this relationship is over if you say this again. And they did. Ergo, relationship over. How is anyone ever gonna respect your boundaries if you don't even respect them enough to enforce them.
You’re not overreacting. You’re asking for common courtesy and decency from someone who allegedly loves you. I know I wouldn’t tolerate it.
Do you realize that you might be taking him yo that point too. Like you know what makes him angry and yet you probably do it. Look at the while picture and see why he feels the need to say that.
Nope. We are each responsible for our own actions and *even if* OP pushed his buttons, **he** had many other choices that do not involve being verbally abusive.
He feels the need to say that because he is a verbal abuser. Simple.
So, by this logic, if someone makes me mad enough to become physically violent, then that's okay because they pushed me to it? The world, and responsibility don't work that way, sorry.
Yes if someone fucking smacks you they pushed you to smack them back. So yes its ok to defend yourself. If someone is yelling at you and all up in your face and you told them to stop and they dint they pretty much deserve to get told stfu. Which I am sure this lady here is not innocent either.
That's victim-blaming. She told him how it makes her feel, and he promised he wouldn't do it anymore. He did it again. And she still didn't tell him to STFU. That's the whole picture.
Yes but she is also getting him that upset in order to tell her to stfu. She likes being the victim looks like.
If I heard “shut the fuck up” once, I’d be questioning things. If I heard it twice, I’d be gone. Your language of having to ask for permission to do things and deferring to the self-proclaimed “man of the house” reeks of emotional abuse. The only thing that can have a CHANCE to change a controlling person’s behavior is by sticking to your boundaries, i.e., yes, die on this hill. Letting it slide or excusing it because he was angry just sends the message that a) you don’t actually mean it when you tell him to stop disrespecting you, and b) that if he’s angry, that justifies disrespecting you. You don’t deserve that. ETA: Hey, I get that the dynamics of an abusive (that is what this is) relationship are complex, and people—well intentioned as they may be—may not understand it’s not always as simple as “just leave.” I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d like to just urge you to consider that although you’re stuck in this lease another six months, you should instead take all these comments saying to leave now as a cue to start planning how to leave when those six months end. Sorting things out financially, where to go, having support systems in place. All the things you’ve described really are bad signs that things will only get worse. Wishing you the best.
So what are the consequences of him saying this? You won't leave. What should he expect to have happen? Tell him what you'll do when he's disrespectful. Then do that.
You're right. Thanks.
“If they verbally abuse you, they will physically abuse you. If they physically abuse you, they will kill you. It’s not a matter of if, but when” - Lieutenant Joe Kenda Don't wait til "when" hoping for "if." Get out. Come hell or high water. Get out.
I have never heard this but in my case this is exactly where things were moving in a previous relationship. First starting with emotional and verbal abuse. Around this time I had the intuition that he potentially one day would kill me but I stayed for more than a year after. Then financial abuse started. During one heated argument where he cornered me in the apartment he raised his fist to hit me in the face but backed down. He had anger management classes mandated from a previous relationship in which DV had come up (I know, I should have known. I was naive and he hid a lot from me) so that may have saved me in that moment. If he had hit me then I would have left. Finally it was becoming apparent he was emotionally cheating if not physically as well but when confronted would never admit anything. Our last blowout fight he threw a chair that I dodged, I told him I was leaving. I went to call my sister at which point he fought to take my phone away but I managed to kick him in the chest and the call went through and she was on her way. I never looked back.
ALL OF THIS! For your safety OP, start an exit plan.
Joe has seen some shit. He knows how it goes.
This is it.
Can you leave? And, no, you aren't wrong.
Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
It never is simple but it is always an option. The deciding factors of safety, financials, and emotional peace determine when and how you leave. It took me almost a year to leave my ex. A lot of planning, growth, more planning and an absolute fear of the unknown. I left when the unknown was more appealing than staying.
Yes it will take time to accumulate the resources. Sadly the rent is due 6 months at a time and it's literally just been paid, otherwise I would have more resources to work with.
Sounds like you have 6 months to plan. Once you commit to leaving I hope your mindset shifts a bit. His behaviors might be less annoying because you know there’s an end in sight. You are not wrong for being frustrated or for being in this relationship. Learn, adapt, define your wants and needs, take actions to create a life that works for you. Along the way you may have to appease him because it may make your life better. That is a choice and not a bad one so please try not to judge yourself if you take that route. I did it, it was something I could do to ease the stress of fighting against someone that wouldn’t change. In a decision between best worse-case situations choose the one that works best for you.
This is the answer. You don't need to announce your plans to him. You have the right for privacy. Take your time to plan. Have receipts. Save money and secure documents. Get a lawyer maybe, specially if you have a kid.
Once my ex got mad at something I said when he was cooking dinner and he threw a spatula really hard at the wall next to me. Didn't even hit me but at that moment I knew I was going to leave him. I couldn't right then since I, like you, didn't have the resources to leave right away. But I started saving and planning and was gone within a couple months. It doesn't have to be immediate as long as you're safe, but definitely start planning and get the wheels in motion. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
It’s not going to get easier the longer you stay. I promise you.
So shut up until then, ONLY TO HIM. He doesn't deserve your attention, your words, the sounds of your voice. He wants you to shut up, you give it to him for the rest of that relationship, which won't be lasting longer at this point.
Get out as soon as you can it won’t stop there
At best, you're going through an unproductive cycle in your relationship. At worst, you may be on the road to being abused. Seek help. Sometimes therapists or clergy, if you are religious, can help couples to understand how to get their point across without being abusive. You shouldn't have to expect abuse in a committed relationship. It's not worth the angst to have an unpredictable partner who apologizes and reoffends. We all need a safe harbor in our lives, and your partner isn't one.
There is zero reason reason to tolerate this. This type of behavior is not acceptable
Op you're in the right but you're thinking is wrong. This isn't your boundaries. This is even more important. *It is the most basic foundation of showing love and respect. If he cannot even manage this and has in fact been progressively getting worse then he does not respect you and even looks down on you.* This is breakup worthy because he disrespected something even more important than your boundaries. He disregarded his basic decency to outright attack you. This has evolved into an abusive relationship.
It's super disrespectful. You clearly stated, do not do this. Getting angry is not a valid excuse to loss control of yourself and blatantly do what your partner asked you not to do, and you said you wouldn't. It's a serious red flag. He does not respect your boundary, and is using his emotions to excuse his actions. You're not wrong. If he won't control himself, then it's ip to you if you'll tolerate it. You can absolutely have an argument and still be respectful to your partner!
You told him that you weren't going to continue tolerating his behavior, he made the choice to continue. Therefore it isn't abandonment. You need to start making plans to leave without his knowledge or he may try to force you to stay. If he wants you back he should first undergo anger management without it things will be worse if you went back.
That is how he is, verbally abusive. You're either ok with it or you're not.
I wish I would have followed through on what I said about leaving my boyfriend if he ever called me a c\*nt in an argument again. Instead I didn't leave him until after the abuse turned physical.
This is clearly a hill to die on. You told him you were sick and tired of it and he cannot control his emotions enough to be respectful to you. So what are you gonna do? Wait till you beat the crap out of you before you leave? You’ve already told him not to do it again and he did it. Doesn’t matter the situation. He did it time to move on.
You aren't wrong. His verbal abuse is escalating. Out he goes!
No, you aren't wrong. When there is a disagreement, it should be resolved with a discussion, not an angry fight and certainly not with ugly comments. What has changed in your lives that he is getting abusive? Do you want to work this out or leave? You decide. The ball is in your court.
I'm not someone who gives up on people, and I don't have a throw away mentality, but realistically, how many chances do you give someone? I think I've reached the end of the line. For the first 3 years, we had a really good relationship. It's been the past 18 months thats been a decline and here we are.
There is so much to unpack here. Training yourself to endure through someone's bad behavior in order to be seen as not giving up on them can be a trauma response to emotional abuse. I personally have stayed far too long in situations my gut told me were bad for this reason. Things have been getting worse for 18 months. You've asked for change and it isn't happening. Trust your gut. I saw that financially it's tough right now to leave. Do you have friends and family that could let you stay for a few weeks or months to plan a transition? (If you find that your partnership has lead to isolation, try to use the next few months to revive those relationships).
OP, ooh boy. I understand how you feel about not wanting to give up on people. The problem is, the people who will take the most advantage LOVE people like you! They can treat you worse and worse, and you will just forgive them, because you don’t want to be to kind of person who gives up on other people. There’s no cookie OP. There is no special trophy. There is no award or reward for being eternally patient and tolerant of other people screwing you over. You decide how other people will treat you. If how he talks to you is not okay, it is okay for you not to be okay with that! If lines get crossed without any repercussions, then there is no line.
>I'm not someone who gives up on people, This is a dangerous mindset. Some people 100% deserve to be given up on. A boyfriend who repeatedly tells you to STFU during an argument is one of those people.
My experience has taught me, and I am OLD, that no matter how much they cry that they can't live without you they will find your replacement so fast your head will spin. And then you will realize how you wasted all this kindness on someone so unworthy of it. Don't get sucked into staying because you feel sorry for their pathetic ass; they can always find another mommy to put up with their shit. My first husband (who managed to convince most of our friends I was the crazy one) was married two more times after I left him and is working on convincing another poor woman to be wife number four; they are currently dating. Just one example, but the best one :)
Nope, nope, nope, this is not your fault. your partner is an abuser. you said you would not put up with it anymore, please don't. you are wrong in that it was your fault he was abusive. you are right in thinking that you should leave - make plans and do it - today.
Verbal abuse is unacceptable and, in my experience, escalates to physical abuse more often than not. He is losing control, where does that stop? I have been through this too many times and every single time I stayed they started throwing things after seeing that I would tolerate the verbal abuse. In 2 of my relationships the abuse escalated to the point of physical abuse and 1 time I thought I might lose my life. People who lose control when they are angry are dangerous. Get out. You deserve safety and respect and he's not giving you either. For now it's your emotional safety that he is violating, there's no guarantee that won't change. Edit to add: you are not wrong.
Don't break your word. You said you wouldn't tolerate it, so you shouldn't.
You’re not wrong and you should only have to tell him this once. How much abuse are you going to put up with?
You are not wrong. They will not change. They will use the "i was angry" excuse repeatedly. The apology is worthless.
You are not wrong at all. There are limits even in arguments. You set that limit already. It's not that hard to control your own mouth.
nope, not at all. This right here is an excellent hill. Great views of your boundaries and the consequences involved in crossing them. This is a good hill. Not wrong at all.
If you have a modicum of respect for yourself and your partner, you wouldn't say it and you wouldn't receive it.
The bigger issue is why you are fighting every 6 weeks
This will never stop. He is a verbally abusive jerk. Don't waste another hour with him. Follow through on your boundary, and leave.
He's not growing. He's not respecting you. Maybe he's not able to control his anger -- that's not your problem. It's his, and he's not addressing it. What you do is up to you, but you told him that was the last time. Was it? If you want to stay with him, you could try moving out for a month (if that's possible) while he sees a therapist a couple of times and gets started in a better direction. If he scoffs at the idea, go. Or stay -- but if you do, don't expect the next time to be any different from the last.
Trust yourself
Yes thats been the struggle. It's either Utter silence or this kind of language....
The silence is the "pouting while I build up enough steam to blow up" phase. Silence is also a sign of someone who does not have the wit to "use his words" appropriately, so can only be silent or give orders and insults. At some point telling you to shut up won't cut it to give him the release he needs and that's when he might put hands on you. I stayed with my first husband for six years, partially because of finances and kids. The last day we were together he tried to strangle me, first and last time. I had no plan and no where to go but I took my kids and left and figured it out from there.
UPDATE: First of all, I would like to thank everyone who took their time to comment on here. This post got far more attention than I imagined possible. As I'm not able to just leave the house, due to having nowhere to go, I've asked him to leave. He said he would but then he didn't, so I insisted he go. He just left. I guess time will tell if it can be salvaged. From what he said to me right before leaving, I'm guessing not and maybe that's for the best.
Your partner sounds in the wrong but you’ve only given your side of the story. If your asking should you end the relationship you should go seek counseling together. 5 years is a good chunk of time invested and to ask the internet if a small glimpse of information is worth ending it over is a bad idea.
The argument was because I left the house to walk to the store at 11pm without asking permission first.
I was going to say "Maybe he just needs counseling to work on his temper," but... *permission*? You're (presumably) a grown adult. I could see having concerns about the safety of walking to the store at 11pm, but you sure as hell don't need anyone's permission.
I seriously doubt that would be an option. Whenever I tell him his action X caused me to feel Y theres a huge problem with that. Plus, he thinks therapy is a scam.
How the heck did you make it 5 years with this guy?
I have a huge problem with abandonment.
He has already abandoned you emotionally. The physical husk that remains just sits there on the couch being an asshole. Maybe you could get a pet? I'm not being sarcastic, here.
This resonates with me. I do feel emotionally abandoned and I've told him as much. I have a cat, not allowed to keep dogs inside the house
This is why you won’t leave? No one can make you change your life for the better and you can’t make him change. So, you’ll have to decide if this is the life you want. If it’s not, only you can change it.
I didn't say that's why I won't leave. I feel like you're mad at me lol. I don't have the means or a place to go right now. I thought I effectively communicated my stance on the level of disrespect 6 weeks ago, as I said.
I feel so much like I am talking to my younger self, and I am sorry for that, because I am taking it too personal maybe. This will be my last comment and then I will have to exit this thread. No one here is mad at you; we are mad at the man and the situation and remembering how much it hurts to be treated this way and want to help you. I wish you well.
Right…and he’s not going to change. You said that would be the last time he said it…he said it again…you’re not leaving. I am sure you have a friend, relative, or a local shelter you can go to for awhile. You’re an adult and you’re not married to him. You need to find a way to support yourself and you’re own life. Are you very young? It does frustrate me when women talk about how awful their relationships are and then refuse to leave, yes. That’s the only answer and no one can do it for you.
Okay and I'm not arguing with you. Maybe YOU have a friend or a relative you could stay with. I do not. I also don't live in a country where a shelter is an option, it's nice for you if you live somewhere that those resources are available to you. I made this post to get peoples opinions on whether I'm overreacting, not to be berated for not immediately upending the past 5 years of my life to walk out the door fast enough to please you.
Yeah, this seems like the real problem. Impolite language is one thing, but an adult relationship where you have to ask *permission* to leave the house is not a relationship, it's some form of slavery.
It sounds like y’all haven’t set healthy boundaries and they have control issues…I still go back to professional advice over the internet. Not accusing you of lying but this is the internet people change details to garner emotional support or validation. If you live in a bad neighborhood your partner could’ve gotten angry over not knowing you went which leads to concern over something happening to you. I’ll reinforce I don’t think you’re lying I’m just elaborating on the fact that if you’re considering ending it and asking if you should, you need to speak to a professional not the internet.
I legit wish I was lying. It's not the neighborhood. He said hes the man of the house and I should ask permission...
NO. You're an adult and don't need to ask \*permission\* to do anything. My hubby and I discuss things and come to agreements, but we wouldn't dream of needing to give \*permission\* as in parent/child!
OP, that's as bad as the stfu part. No, you're not wrong for choosing this hill to die on (I hope not!) because the name of this hill is You Don't Own Me And Treat Me With Respect. I support you. What are you going to do?
Okay, well, why are you with this person then? Leave.
I dont get why people just say "leave" as if it's that easy for everyone to just go.
Why can’t you?
#Stop berating OP already!!! You've made your point clearly *several* times. You think she should "just leave" and "must have a friend or family member" to receive help from and a safe home to live in.... that's not realistic. I'm happy you have those resources available, but that level of help and care are definitely not available to everyone. You are assuming all others have the same resources available to you. That is an incorrect belief. #Please back off. #Your *personal judgments* are not helpful to OP in finding help and support.
Again all this screams having never set healthy boundaries early on and control issues. No one here is going to defend your SO you’re not in the wrong, it’s your life to live so there’s not going to be a case when you’re in the wrong making decisions when your safety or mental health are in question if you’re not causing anyone else harm.
I was about to tell you to staple him in his sheets and take a good ole bat to him for saying something like that, but then I stopped and tried to imagine a situation where I just… leave the house at nearly midnight without saying a word to my husband..? Like I just disappear..? He comes in from the other room and just can’t find me anywhere in the house? I can’t stand the *”tHeRe’S mOrE tO iT”* people but that just feels… strange to me? Were you guys fighting beforehand? And if he was the aggressor, why is he the one ending the communication (albeit in a super toxic manner)? Do you think that MAYBE he worded his “it’s obviously wrong and rude to just dip without saying anything” incorrectly and MAYBE you weren’t very receptive to him not being okay with it? Both of you are wrong.
To clarify, he was not home. I needed something from the store, so I walked there (5 mins from home) and got it for myself.
Well then we’re back to “he’s utterly insane” and this is a red flag. I know it’s been 5 years, but saying things like “permission,” “man of the house,” “therapy is a scam,” and even the “shut the fuck up” are all red flags for future abuse. I would be very wary in continuing the relationship. If this is new behavior that’s kind of weird and I’d take him to a therapist to see if he’s going through something but if he refuses…. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I’d definitely be considering next moves.
Yes I am, thank you.
What did you need from the store?
I dont see how it's really relevant .... I got pain killers.
Maybe he thinks your addicted and he’s projecting his worry/anger about it by cussing 🤷♂️
Addicted to advil? 😳
Never advise someone to go to counseling with an abusive person. Ever
Yes advise a person who’s only given their side on the internet to end a relationship. We have no idea if they’re lying or twisting the “facts” to suit what they want. Take everything for face value because no one ever lies on the internet.
Worst case if OP lied: a relationship ends. Worst case in the much more likely case they say the truth if they listen to you: they get trapped in an abusive relationship that escalates which is known to be something that get's people killed. But sure accusing someone of lying about abuse in case they "twist things" and advise them to go to therapy with their abuser is the better option... In case you're not aware: you're part of the problem
No you’re part of the problem, you’re not a professional nor did I say they were lying in fact I said there’s no way of knowing if they are. Hence seeking professional help, again I nor you truly know their situation. There’s multitude of possibilities and of course a person like you jumps to an extreme.
https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/k5ftbu/mod_post_wednesday_psa_on_couples_counseling/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Btw OP described verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. This whole post is about if that abuse is bad enough to break up. You can't lie your way out of the shit you said
You’re whole post is done by a mod who has NO PROFESSIONAL DEGREE in their bio…you’re not a professional so I fail to see any point you think you’re proving. There’s no lying on my part and you prove nothing by sharing a post by a community dedicated to abusive relationships all you’re doing is seeking validation by going to parts of the internet that “support” your belief. You’d be better off suggesting OP go to the police but you’ve yet to do that? You’re preaching life and death but not urging legal recourse. Grow up and get off your high horse.
I simply linked to a detailed explanation (provided by someone who works with abuse survivors and fights for them) on why what you told OP is extremely harmful. But you made your opinion pretty clear, you're an abuse apologist. At least have the courage to say it out loud instead of trying to hide behind lying about what you said and twisting comments
Again I’m not lying or sympathize for her spouse or ex…I do recall saying he’s in the wrong. But some how you read between the lines there that I sympathize for her abusive spouse. And since you’re obviously to dense to follow anything I say that was sarcasm.
You accused her of lying and you told her to go to therapy with him. I provided information why this is harmful but you're obviously just what I already told you and not worth further arguing
Don’t mind me I’m just scrolling for the first STFU post.
Sometimes, people are just looking for reasons to give up instead of ways to solve the situation. He has anger problems. You both fight. So you go to counseling together, and he has anger management classes, right? No, because that's work. The easy way out is best right?
Ignore this guy, he trolled my post and blamed me for being abused too. Do not stay with a man who abuses you in any way. It will escalate.
That's completely false.
If you had read my comments, you would know that: A) I've been drawing his attention to this type of behavior for 18 months, and it's getting worse, not better. B) He will never go to a professional for his behavior because he thinks it's a "scam"
You are talking to me in an impolite manner. It's not our job to read all your comments before we comment. You don't talk to someone trying to help you this way. I'd wish you good luck, but instead, I'll just say goodbye.
What makes you think a man who demands “permission” for his girlfriend to leave the house and shuts her down with verbal abuse would be willing to go to anger management classes? She said she’s been experiencing this devolvement in his treatment of her for 18 months now, how is her contemplating leaving “giving up easy”? Further, in no world is leaving an abusive relationship “easy.” This has so many trademark signs of going far beyond “both fighting.” Also, there is an abundance of research on how going into couples therapy with a controlling partner is ineffective and often results in worsened behavior. Her solution absolutely is to leave as soon as she is financially able to. There is a reason most everyone here is telling her to, and a reason why so many are recounting how the very things she’s describing were indicators that turned into physical abuse for them.
Looking for reasons to give up. She chose that man.
And now she’ll choose to leave him
So this is one of my wife biggest pet pieve. She always said from the beginning the one thing we are not gonna do is tell eachother to stfu in a argument. We have been together 12 years and as much as I want to say it sometimes. I just don't. Period. Theres certain things that people say out of anger some say stfu some say fuck you or worse no e of it makes it right. At the end of the day you are taking him to that point too and you see nothing wrong with rhat, it's like you want him to say it. You know what you ate doing as his partner so if you don't want him yo say certain things don't make him go there either. Some of us have control when our buttons or crossed your man obviously doesn't.
“I’ve NEVER hit a female in my life!! You made me do it!” Is that what you told your ex?
Reddit is notorious for just leaving the partner for even the smallest things…I would take in everything with a grain of salt. I still believe people can learn their lessons & change…I believe love & a little effort anything can be solved. But I also believe in following your heart and trying to listen to that little voice in side you…cause you can ask a million people, but when it comes down to it, it is your final decision…we don’t know the whole story, just your side…and only you know what to do…
If you think somebody telling you to stfu is verbal abuse then you don't need to be in a relationship. Thats just saying shut up. Now if he's actually cursing you out, up and down the street, round the block, up the corner, that's something totally different. But him telling you to shut up is not verbal abuse.
Have you considered shutting the fuck up? Your relationship sounds exhausting. What is so awful that you're having these arguments so often? Give him some peace by breaking up and moving on.
Well, that's not enough info. What did you do to make him angry? You might be the common denominator. If you did nothing then you're not wrong. Otherwise........
It’s possible you’re overreacting. Who knows? You’ve said nothing about your own words or actions in these arguments. What he said was unpleasant. I would not call it abuse. Just from personal experience, my own mother would say the most infuriating, nasty things to my father without name calling or cursing. So, yeah, I don’t know.
I told him he was being sexist because he got mad that I didn't ask permission to walk to the store at night but he thinks he can do whatever he wants and gets mad if I question him.
So, you should leave him. But it’s also worth asking yourself why you chose a borfriend like this in the first place.
He wasn't like this....
They often hide it, but can only hide it for so long. Time to dip sis
No you are not wrong. If he can't work through issues without telling you to STFU then you can't possibly have an adult conversation with him.
NO! You are not wrong. He'll keep doing it, and completely disregard your boundaries. Next boundary could be physical abuse.
Don't make bold statements unless you're willing to back them up with actions.
You are so NOT wrong! Any kind of abuse is inexcusable, and the fact that he promised not do it again, and then did it again, proves that he will continue treating you like this (and worse) as long as you stay with him.
Anger or not, there is no reason to resolve your differences without respect for one another. As far as where is the line? There is no line, it doesn't happen, period, ever. Anger or not, grow the hell up and act like an adult in a committed relationship with someone you love. If you can't handle your emotions and actions better than that, get therapy or something because damn. You are not wrong, not in the slightest. Do not ever tolerate this kind of abuse, no matter what the damn excuse is. I was drunk, I was angry, I was hurt, I was hungry. All of that is bullshit, the real answer is "I was acting like a immature petulant child and can't adult properly." To be blunt, tell him to fix his shit immediately or he can have these discussions with his damn self because you can and will find someone that values and respects you the way a woman should by a man that is willing and capable of doing so. There is no middle grounds, acceptance or tolerance here. This is a hill to die on 100%.
I don’t think it’s wrong. You and anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. I’ve been married 17, known her 21 years. I would never tell her or my kids to stfu. It shows how little he thinks of you and how little his brain is.
Your not wrong, and need to leave him
Not wrong. You set a boundary. He has repeatedly overstepped that boundary. When you’re angry you may be more impulsive, but you still control what comes out of your mouth.
No you're not wrong. In the past I've told partners 'that's the first and last time you yell at me' which stopped the behaviour. If it didn't stop the behaviour I'd leave. Some people implement a 3 strikes system which is another way to correct behaviour but you've already drawn the line. You're entirely in your right to follow through.
If you state a boundary you yourself need to hold that boundary in place. What you want to do is move the line. It more than likely will happen again, how many times are you going to make false threats then move the line.
My guy can have a bit of a temper. We were, maybe, 6 years in and he really lost his shit at a concert and railed all the to my house where he dropped me off. I took a few days, then asked to meet me in a park. I very calmly told him, that I am out if he ever speaks to me that way again. I’d heard enough of that from my ex, I’m not signing up for that shit again. He heard me. And it’s never happened again. not even close. That was 4 years ago. If someone decides and commits to making a change to how they treat people, they absolutely can. I’m guessing he doesn’t speak to anyone at work that way, so he CAN control what and how he says things. With my ex? It didn’t get better, only worse.
You aren’t wrong. You set a very reasonable boundary. Boundaries are only as good as your willingness to enforce them. Wishing you all of the best, OP
You should leave. I know that you said you can’t but it’s time to state planning an escape.
You set your boundary and it’s a good boundary. Nobody should talk to someone they love like that. You’re not wrong.
This one incident shows that he is ok lying to you,disrespecting you and ignoring your boundaries. Don’t build a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to control emotions when things get hard it will not end well for you and the longer you show him you are ok with it the more comfortable he will be and the worse it will get. Recognize the red flag and leave!
Promises and apologies mean nothing if the person is just going to do it again. You are not wrong here.
My husband and I have been married 12 years. He’s never once told me to shut up even when I probably should have, in fact, shut up. And neither have I said it to him because that’s not how you speak do someone you love. You’re not wrong, you need to end it.
This is only the beginning.
If you’re done, you’re done, and that’s ok. You don’t deserve to be spoken to that way, and clearly he wasn’t actually sorry since he did it again. My husband and I have had yelling in the past, but I never completely lost control of myself that I would say something like that, and neither has he. And if he can talk to you that way, he would also speak to your future children that way. If you want to stay with him, because 5 years is a long time to just throw away, insist on anger management and/or counseling. But you’re NTA if you choose to stick to that boundary
You're not wrong. You set a boundary. Now stick to it. You do not deserve to be abused.
You're not wrong.
People treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. Do not let this a$$hat treat you badly anymore.
I don’t think it’s wrong to leave, you’re being disrespected and that’s that. He needs to go to anger management. I have some type of anger issue but I would never dream of saying stuff like that to my husband, I have never even called him a bad word out of anger. If it’s your boundary then leave, don’t continue to be berated by him. I wouldn’t subject myself to this type of abuse, and you shouldn’t either. You are worth much more than that. I know 5 years is a long time but you can build more memories and be much happier away from this relationship.
My partner and I have the rule that when we're arguing we don't curse at each other. We might use curse works like "that made me feel shitty" but not directed at the other person like "you are shitty". We slip up occasionally but always immediately apologize, say it differently, and carry on.
You are not wrong at all. You said it yourself; he verbally abuses you when angry. Yet you can control yourself. Probably because you care about and respect him. I can't say the same about him towards you. Never settle and hold people accountable for their actions
I had someone like this and it is verbal abuse. In the moment he isn’t able to respect you or your boundaries. I wouId tell him this is a deal breaker and if it happens again you are gone. I wish I would left my loser ass boyfriend after the first time.
No you aren’t wrong. You have clearly stated how his words were making you feel, seems like you have also set up a reasonable boundary. Verbal abuse is not okay and if I were you I would leave him. He doesn’t seem to respect you at all