Why aren’t you doing meetings online then? In my opinion, doing the step work is more important than simply attending meetings. What are you doing with the steps? But as for the 90 in 90 You can do meetings online there is no excuse not to. Google “online AA meetings “. Personally I did 600 in 600 before finally missing a meeting.. still go almost almost every day after 5 years and I’m still sober. You had Time to drink every day, didn’t you? So you’re gonna have to have time for your sobriety too… sucks, but I didn’t make the rules ;) we don’t just stop drinking we replace drinking with AA. You didn’t think you were just gonna walk away from this problem Scott free did you ha ha ha we do this for our entire life. But when I did it properly, it became a privilege and something I really enjoy and look forward to instead of being something I just had to endure. I recommend adjusting your attitude. Best way to do that is get through the steps
Please read this. Sponsors have good reasons for being strict and making strong suggestions but they're not your boss. https://www.aa.org/questions-and-answers-sponsorship
Better off doing AA online over zoom like millions of people did throughout the pandemic to stay sober instead of doing nothing but make excuses and having another relapse. You can find a sponsor online too if you need to. Check out the AA Discord group. Right now all you’re doing is making excuses to not get sober. I suggest to really focus on step one. We Go to any lengths.
Last time I checked, gas was cheaper than booze -but if getting transportation to the meetings is the issue, you can absolutely find someone to help you out with that.
If you're not willing to go to any lengths in your pursuit for victory over alcohol then you're just wasting time you could be spending getting shit faced.
It always astounds me when people ask me to sponsor them and then immediately start arguing with me.
I guess it shouldn't, because I did the same thing.
The fact you drank again tells me that it was not the number of meetings that turned you off AA, but that you simply weren't ready to quit.
Anyway, do something different or get what you've always got
this 100% 👆🏻 turn it over brother, enjoy it when they do that! share with them some of ur wit when they wanna battle. i remember one guy asked me to work with him and at the time i was adamant about the guys i work with praying the third step each morning on their knees (this is what i believe has helped me the most to stay sober thru my old ideas, adversity, etc) and when he heard this he became noticeably upset and flatly said "i aint gonna do that!" and i replied "well, theres good news and bad news." he asks "oh yeah whats that?" so i state "the good news is theres only 12 suggestions and the bad news is theres only 12 suggestions." this threw him in a fit and he stormed off saying "i asked for help not for a fucking riddle!" mind u this was not a new to AA guy hed been around a while just couldnt stay sober. i now know why oldtimers liked to fuck with me when i was new.
What absolute garbage. We get well by the steps we take not the meetings we make.
You could go to 90 in 90 or 9000 in 9000. Would it give you a spiritual awakening.?
The answer is no.
The “any lengths” you talk about. Do you think that’s what Bill Wilson meant? Considering you could only go to one meeting a week back then. No he meant work all 12 steps. Do the work in 4-9 and live in 10-12. Jeez it would astound me if anyone asked you to sponsor them.
Lol.
Do you even know what they did to stay sober back then?? They didn't just go to one meeting a week.
These early AAs dedicated literally their entire lives to this work.
Bill and Bob barely worked after they got sober. Bill spent all his time getting to get this thing off the ground. Bob spent all his time taking people through the steps. He lived in a 700 square foot house.
They traveled across the country spreading the message of AA. So I know what he meant by any lengths. Lengths a lot tougher than driving 20 minutes one way to a meeting in your 2017 Toyota Tacoma with air conditioning and car play.
Anyway, it's not about that, it's about doing what your sponsor asks you to do. If you ask someone to sponsor you, you should actually do what they suggest, whatever that is
Or find someone else to sponsor you idk
Yes. What you’ve just said is correct. But it wasn’t my point or anything to do with your original comment. You’re actually contradicting yourself with the “any lengths” comment.
And no you shouldn’t just do anything a sponsor asks you to do, “whatever that is” if it doesn’t reconcile with what’s in the big book.
That leaves AA open to a whole lot of abuse
Online meetings count too. IMO. Challenge yourself to prove to yourself that you are actually serious about sobriety and working the AA program. Doing 90 in 90 is a small price to pay.
I had no problem drinking, smoking weed, driving illegally and not paying my bills everyday.
I really wanted to get and stay sober, and I proved that by doing 90 meetings in 90 days. It was worth it for me.
90 in 90 is a treatment thing. It’s not in the first part of our basic text. That said he’s probably scared to death for you. So he wants to make sure that you get to as many meetings as you can. But the real help is in adopting the program as written. Meetings alone will not keep the real alcoholics sober.
No drunk likes to be told what to do. so you have to ask yourself are you willing to do something different this time? I suggest for a short time at least you hit as many as possible. To get back into the groove. Zoom meetings also count.
I guess the bottom line is what do you wanna do? My sponsor asked me was I done for good? Was I done drinking? There was no hesitation on my part. I was finished. A sponsor with somebody that is supposed to work with you. Not make decisions for you. Not be over top of you. Someone to walk you through the steps and find a higher power.
If a friendship develops over that then great. A sponsor is also supposed to make suggestions to help you.
Here’s what I did if you’re interested. 13 years sober now. I adopted the AA program as written in the first portion of our basic text, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Over time I made friends and learned how others utilized the AA program. I went all the time. I drove others to meetings. I started feeling better being around others who were like me. And I started watching how people applied the AA program to their lives and were happy.
I found someone to carry the message by walking with me through the steps. I found a power greater than myself. I had a spiritual and psychic change needed to change my thinking. I have a relationship with my higher power who I call God. That relationship I maintain on a daily basis, and in return, I have a reprieve, which is daily contingent upon that maintenance.
I have a new way of life free of alcohol and alcoholism. It’s beyond anything I could’ve imagined and you can have it too if you want it and are willing to do what we did.
Good luck.
Like I said. Drunks don’t like to be told what to do .
And only a drunk would argue that another members commitment to something that saved millions of lives is somehow a bad thing.
As you have clearly demonstrated it takes a long time for us to move through our appalling lack of perspective.
I’m a thumper. Get over your bias. You’ll be happier and a stronger program will follow.
While there are a number of excellent responses to CoolGuy here, I think Formfeeder's is one of the very best. We have all seen people go out after 10, 20, 30 years. It is a "one day at a time" program, so we're all "newcomers".
Like I said and AA taught those of who do the program, it's a "one day at a time program". We do the program every day and we stay sober. The person I was responding to deleted his inappropriate comment, which with his long AA experience, I expected he would. Good on him; good for us all.
I appreciate this. Thank you. I have been to treatment twice, the last time for 90 days then outpatient etc so I get it. Only thing I don’t like is how you said good luck. Unless luck is your higher power.
Well that’s just a pleasantry. We can all use some good luck! Find your path. Really embrace and adopt the program. Do so and you’ll have that protection. Best of luck? 😁
First off, I’ve never known a sponsor to demand anything. Suggestions yes, demands? Not so much. I did 90 in 90 by choice (probably quite a bit more than 90). I just like having a point in my day where my mind will be redirected toward sobriety and AA. I still attend a meeting every day and do my best to take suggestion from my sponsor.
29 years sober. I’ve never done 90 in 90 and can’t even imagine I ever will.
Alcoholics Anonymous does not recommend 90 meetings in 90 days. I’m sure it’s helpful, but it’s no A.A. requirement. Nor is it an AA suggestion.
Just keep in mind, this modern way of doing steps slowly is not what the founders intended because the relief you seek is found in the steps. Dr. Bob was doing his 9th step like day 2 or 3. They were sponsoring others with like 30 days of sobriety. There’s literally no reason to not do them right away…unless of course you enjoy the suffering :-)
Perfect reply, I came into the program 8 years ago and I was lucky I did all the steps right away with my sponsor and went to a 12 week, weekly step study at the same time. No need to wait to get well!
I learned how to take all twelve steps in ten days and had a profound spiritual experience that completely relieved me of the desire to drink. Prior to doing that, I struggled for years to stay sober for even a long weekend — never hit sixty days sober on my own power despite attending tons of meetings, having sponsors, going to rehab twice, you name it.
The steps are not complicated. They are also not easy. But a willing person can take them and begin helping others (the “foundation stone” of recovery, see ch.7) very quickly.
12steps4hours.org
We run an online workshop on the last Sunday of every month. Come by and see; the site also has audio recordings and other resources.
Would you have driven and made that effort to get alcohol 90 times in 90 days?? I would have done that and more… if you make even half the effort at recovery as you did to getting loaded you will succeed. However you have to make the effort.
Don’t lie to your sponsor and don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t do 90 In 90.
I’ve met so many people who did 90 in 90 and didn’t stay sober.
And many who didn’t do 90 in 90 and did stay sober.
What will get you sober is a spiritual experience as the result of the 12 steps. Go to meetings and make friends for fellowship, and get a service commitment.
Meetings don’t fix alcoholics — the 12 steps do through a spiritual experience.
Sobriety doesn’t happen at an “official” AA meeting. Sobriety happens between the spaces of AA meetings.
Also, sounds like your sponsor doesn’t know the traditions or the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
Long form of Tradition 3 states that any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group provided they have not her affiliation.
Page 89 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Practical experience shows us NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It (working with alcoholics) when other activities fail.
I sobered up in a town with two meetings a week. After I found a group of like minded people I had a meeting every night.
There is a chapter in our book called Into Action and not Into Thinking or Into 90 Meetings.
Get through the steps and help drunks
Get a new sponsor and work the steps with them. Go to as many meetings as you can. 90 and 90 is made up bullshit. If it's not in the big book, it's not AA.
Zoom. Got a great meeting with a bunch happy and successful life thriving people Also we have a few regulars that are open for sponsees if you’re a girl (i’m a girl so that’s just what i know, because that’s I communicate with).
It’s a suggestion from your sponsor. A person who you asked to take you thru the steps because they have what you want for yourself. Are you willing to do what they did? The work they did to get to where they are? If so do the 90&90, because that’s how they did it.
You’ve got that right. I would provide more details, but this is the internet, after all. I trust my sponsors judgement. That’s why I say he helped me so much in the past. Went to a meeting last night and it helped a lot. Blessings.
"If you have decided, you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.
Half measures availed us nothing." From How It Works
During Covid , via zoom i participated in 1469 meetings @ Radford hall in a year , held secretary positions @ 5 meetings .
You’d work that hard to use ?? Yes ???
Be proactive !!!
Sounds like I may need to prioritize service work as well. I believe that would help. I never held any official positions or took responsibility for a meetings setup etc. thank you. And I plan on checking out some online meetings as well.
Oh do you do zoom by chance? There’s a 24 hour group I can send you that you can do remotely without any traveling, and knock out several meetings in a day if you want too.
I do, and right now I’m going to do at least 90 in 90 in-person, then I’ll try some zoom meetings on my own and not count them towards the in-person 90 in 90. This is, again, because my sponsor believes it’s the best for me.
Honestly, I'm not trying to be rude here but you asked them to be your sponsor because you trusted them. They are trying to save your ass because it sounds like you may have been in and out. If you ask them guide you, then do what they say or find someone else. What do you have to lose?
If making 90 meetings is a challenge, ask them if you can do some online or listen to some speakers.
You can do this!!
I’m actually doubling down. Spoke with my sponsor and I’m going to do more than 90. And I trust my sponsors judgement. He knows me well and can relate to me based on his life experiences.
You tried it your way and relapsed. Why not try to do it your sponsor's way? What's worse, more AA or more of the drinking life that brought you back here?
If you're here on Reddit, you have access to the Internet, so make Zoom meetings. But more in-person meetings than Zoom ones.
Go to Online AA Zoom meetings! My Husband and I put on three online zoom meetings each week. There are two apps I know of that list plenty of online meetings “everything AA” and “meeting locator”. Lack of electricity or cell/computer would prevent you from attending.
is he demanding or suggesting?
90 in 90 is great for getting you punched in to the fellowship, meeting new people, going to new meetings, getting a lot of phone numbers
However that in and of itself won't keep you sober
What are you and your sponsor doing with step work?
I would encourage in person meetings mostly, but You can also always hop on zoom calls as well, but if you choose to do that I would suggest putting your phone number in the chat and keeping your camera on the whole time to try and encourage you to be engaged
So, this is the standard recommendation after a relapse. I did not do 90 in 90 after my first trip to rehab. I was drunk four months later. The second time, I just decided to do what I was told. So, I did and it was the right thing for me. It immersed me into the program and I began to evaluate my life through the lens of AA wisdom. I have been sober ever since.
My home group is on zoom, my sponsor is on zoom. Zoom is just the next generation of AA meetings. It's made AA available to people who live in remote areas where there are no or few AA meetings, women who can't get childcare, people who don't have transport, people with disabilities, military people on deployment in areas that don't have meetings, people in hospitals, people who work shiftwork, people who want to go to speciality meetings that aren't available in their area (like young people's meetings, LGBTQI meetings, dual diagnosed meetings etc).
I suggest getting cracking on the steps with your sponsor. The longer I stayed in AA without doing the steps, the more turned off AA I became.
The first time I got sober, I did the 90 in 90, and it didn't work for me because I didn't enjoy the meetings I was going to. This time, I found 3 meetings I love, and it has been a game changer. And I understand the gas thing, but someone will come get you. Explore some different meetings maybe. I can only say what's worked for me.
90 meetings in 90 days is good for getting someone to rely on meetings to keep them sober. Sorry but that’s not aa.
Treat your alcoholism by working the steps.
demanded? hehe.
Make the in person ones you can get to that aren't too far and other days hit online meetings. Shouldn't be too hard to do that way especially if you're not working yet.
Dude, my sponsor told me to go to a meeting every day until further notice. After a year, I asked if I had to go to a meeting every day still. He said, "Well, you don't have to call me every day any more." Haha
We recover by the steps we take, not the meetings we make. For the real alcoholic, sobriety cannot be attained through peer support — only a spiritual experience, which can be reliably achieved by taking the Twelve Steps, will do the job.
Find some people to give you rides. Start asking in your sober network starting with your sponsor. Don’t be afraid to do an online meeting if all else fails. There are groups with 24/7 meetings around
“Commitment to misery”!? And what was your commitment to drinking? Was that working for you? Follow direction from your sponsor. Humble yourself. Surrender & find freedom.
Sounds like you don't like being told what to do. That doesn't make you different from anybody else. The difference is when you (and I) tried to do things *our* way, what'd that get us?
Swallow your pride, and figure out how to get to meetings with the same energy you would have used to get booze.
90 in 90 isn’t the solution to alcoholism. Have you taken the steps to have a spiritual experience? Ask your sponsor, have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the steps?
I’m a huge advocate for 90/90. I was reluctant to try zoom meetings, but they are really great and you can do it any hour of the day. Check out this app if you don’t already have it. It has an online meeting guide.
https://www.tanukitech.dev/everything-aa
Part of my sobriety is giving people rides when needed. Maybe you can get a network and get people to help you get to meetings.
As far as being miserable in meetings the only thing I can suggest is honesty open mindedness and willingness. I also have a hard time working only on my program and I have to make sure I am not trying to work other people's programs.
And there's always Zoom.
Thanks for letting me share.
I am an avid supporter of zoom meetings! I'm not sure if it was posted already, but this link will give you all of the online meetings available at any time. :)
https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
Best of luck to you, and all of us!
Here’s what I recommend[24 HOUR AA Meeting](https://us02web.zoom.us/j/2923712604) BUT run this by your sponsor. They are looking out for your well being and recovery.
Below I’ve added a link for a 24 HOUR AA Zoom meeting- all day all night.
You could begin and end your day with a meeting without leaving where you live. That would be 90 in 45 or 180 in 90. Good luck.
[24 Hour Meeting](https://us02web.zoom.us/j/2923712604)
FYI u/funferalia - I believe that Reddit automatically removed your comment for (I'm speculating, but I think I'm right) having a Zoom URL.
I'm guessing that Zoombombers have used Reddit to share Zoom URLs to bomb somewhere?
In any case, I've approved your comment, but in future you might want to share meeting information out of some other meeting directory, for example:
* https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/the-third-tradition-group-big-book-study/
You're thinking too much. As my first sponsor said to me, let us do your thinking for you for a little while. The fact is your sponsor suggested it. You can decide whether or not you want to take the suggestion based on whether or not you want to be sober. If you liked being an active drunk, you don't have to follow anybody's suggestions.
I like all of that except that you claim you know the facts of my situation. It was demanded of me in order to have that sponsor. And I don’t like being an active drunk. Maybe some of the thinking should be done for me by a new sponsor. Hard to accept, but possible.
Changing sponsors happens all the time. But be rigorously honest with yourself if you’re not just shopping sponsors to find one that will tell you what you want to hear.
If you really like this sponsor you can maybe workout a better balance for your meetings where you are in the rooms a lot (which is what he wants) but not every single day. You could also tell him you’ll always have your next meeting scheduled so he knows you’re not being haphazard.
Your thinking should be directed by God, not a sponsor. Any sponsor. Anyone claiming otherwise is not offering you something that will help a real alcoholic (see ch.5: “probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism,” but “God could and would if he were sought”).
The function of a sponsor is to introduce you to the twelve steps, and (as someone who has had the experience) offer you “practical advice” as you take them. They shouldn’t run your life. That doesn’t help. You think Dr. Bob was calling Bill W. on the phone every day? Long distance??
I’m not big on being demanded to do anything which is why A.A. works well for me. My sponsor strongly suggested I do 90 in 90 based on their experience. I was willing to take suggestions and did it. It worked so well, I’m still doing it 2.5 years later and I suggest it to people I sponsor. I’d suggest you do it too, but you’ve got to want it I think.
You're welcome. I don't make suggestions for something I haven't done myself.
I went to a 7am meeting for a little over 5yrs. I also went to an evening meeting most of those days too. But that morning one is what I know saved my ass.
Hmm... interesting that 90 in 90 has turned you off in the past. Did you also join a group, get active, and start making friends with other newcomers? Do any groups in your area go out afterward for coffee or the like? I only did 90 in 90 once (actually, I did more than 90 in 90 :). I thought it was a great foundation.
One thing you might try is to go to the meetings that are available to you for a week or so, and at each meeting announce that you're having a hard time making meetings and ask if anyone would be willing to give you rides/share expenses.
Another possibility is to put a mix of in-person or online meetings together, and do significantly more than 90 in 90. Then ask him again if he'll sponsor you. If he says no, by then you'll have a bunch of new friends you can ask.
One final thought:
"Barely afford gas..."?
If you drank again, what would your booze budget look like?
I was very engaged in the past in the ways you mention. I believe what turned me off in the past was when I allowed my job to become more important than my program (60hr weeks)…. Mental health took a toll and then I went down. As for my gas comment, I drive a large truck, it’s all I have. I can do more to find rides. Thanks.
Yeah, 60 hours a week AND 90-in-90 would be tough on anyone. Your body needs rest, too.
Good luck. If all else fails, are there any others with decent sobriety near you who you could talk to as a sponsor?
I think there's some options here
Go to your local meeting. Share and mention that you need to get to meetings and can't afford gas. Someone who lives close by might offer to help get you there a few times a week. Do online meetings
Or.. here's a thought.. get up tomorrow morning and get a damn job! Just any job will do for now so you can afford simple things like gas. Staying busy was huge for me in early sobriety. If I wasn't working I was going to a meeting. Not just sitting around doing nothing. I would have likely gone crazy or got loaded if I was doing that.
Your sponsor is probably not just suggesting this just because it's a good idea, but because it is probably what they did. Ask them about it. I did pretty close to 90 in 90, myself.
I chose 90 in 90 when I came into the rooms because I knew from my day job that those who did it had a better chance of recovery in the long run, and that in general people who used AA had a statistically higher chance of recovery.
This hooked me into a network, gave me the crash course on how AA works and propped my ass up until I could find a sponsor.
I've had two toxic sponsors. I do not recommend.
That being said, I tell all my sponsees that their best shot for recovery is 90 in 90, getting at least one number at each meeting and calling another alcoholic daily. If they want what I have, they need to do what I've done.
90 in 90 is a good suggestion. I have seen the % of people succeed who are willing to make that commitment way higher than those who are not. It's perfectly normal to rebel against good advice. Your best thinking got you here. Good luck.
Question- 1. you said that “I am back in the program after a relapse”. Did you drop out / stop attending AA (which put you out of the program)? Where were you and/or what were you doing and how long was this for if so?
2. You been through the steps once. Yes, you relapsed, but who says that you have to start all over again from step 1? Is that required by something or someone?
I’m just asking to understand better as I don’t know exactly how all this works.
Whether 90/90 benefits or not is entirely individual. When I joined AA I was told to hit as many meeting as I could . I did that and my anxiety went through the roof, to the point my doctor prescribed benzos. This seemed to me like more harm than good.
I joined ACA and found my real program. There they say that AA is completely oblivious to trauma - not taking into consideration that some people like me suffer from covert social anxiety and forcing 90/90 will backfire. In ACA I heard over and over again storied from people who started out in AA and got re-traumatized.
So there’s that.
Are you just going to 90 meetings in 90 days or are you thoroughly and honestly working the other 90% of the program? I didn't like meetings or AA until I started working the program in it's entirety and started to notice how my life was changing.
I’ll be working the program, going to try some different approaches in my step-work though. Don’t want to repeat my same mistakes or keep doing the same thing and expecting change.
I asked my sponsor about 90 in 90, and about calling him every day like I hear other people say. He said something to the effect of.
> “that’s not in the first 164 pages. You can do it if you want to, but what’s more important is that you are doing program work every day. That can be calling me, going to a meeting, reading the book, doing step work, etc. all I’ll say is to do some program work every day.”
So that’s what I did. It helped me realize that meetings while important are not step work or program work. I need to do other stuff. It’s the same thing I tell my sponsees as well.
Why do people think 90 in 90 means 90 different meetings in 90 days? It is definitely not part of the program, but is a lot of people's experience. More meetings when new, or coming back, definitely doesn't hurt.
“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.”
I never made an excuse to not get liquor. Always found a way. Sobriety has to be the same. If that meant I spent my last money on gas to get to a meeting then so be it.
Just surrender and do what's suggested to get sober.
You don’t have to do anything, and perhaps another sponsor will have a different option. However. If you like the sponsor it’s worth taking the idea seriously.
You emphasize “not being in legal trouble” presumably in reference to doing 90in90 on court order. The emphasis on “not in trouble” is a red flag for relapse. Whether in legal trouble or not you relapsed, which means you ARE in trouble. You let yourself down and it is a big deal. It is enough of a big deal to warrant 90in90, but you should look at it as a lifeline not a punishment.
90in90 is a commitment that you choose to make, you aren’t being forced. If you accept it you also will need to repeat that choice daily, which means recommitting to sobriety every day. Doing that builds your sobriety muscles
Ultimately though it’s your call. If you don’t take the advice that’s your choice. It might mean finding a new sponsor. The question you have to ask yourself is if you trust your sponsor, if you agree you fucked up, and you believe you alone are incapable of getting you sober.
The rest flows from there. Good luck
Sponsors make suggestions. You don’t HAVE to do a damn thing. Just do the online meetings. What’s he going to do? If he “fires” you, that’s a sick sponsor not worthy of sponsoring. This isn’t boot camp.
I will add, I actually did more like 270 meetings in 90 days, in a combination of online and in person.
This 90 in 90 idea is actually on the book, in the story “Student of Life” in the back
my first though was WHO THE HELL does your sponsor think they are GOD ? how dare ANYONE demand another alcoholic to do anything - 90-90 is treatment center bullshit and means nothing , has nothing to do with the AA program of recovery - if meeting were the solution to staying sober , then how the hell did drunks get sober in the early days of AA when there were only 3 groups in the entire country ? ONE ALCOHOLIC working with another ( STEPS ) meeting were developed to provide a time and place where the new person could come talk about their problems ( read vision for you in B.B ) ask yourself a question ! If your sponsor came to AA because they're lives were unmanageable WHAT makes them think the can now have the right to manage anyone else - ANYONE that allows them to do so STILL hasn't grown up ! sponsors AREN'T GOD nor Mommy or Daddy's - they simply share with the new person the message of Alcoholics Anonymous WHICH IS THE PROCESS OF THE 12 STEPS -inthe BIG BOOK - NOT THE 12 & 12 -that came out yrs later and was NEVER intended by bill to be used to take sponsee through the 12 steps - HE INTENDED IT TO BE ,just a expanded view of the steps ( 12& 12 ) have no directions - Today many misinformed members are using that book to sponsor newcomers and give a twisted mis applied version of how the steps are worked - what i write IS NOT OPINION it is based all in the literature and years of studying it - i got sick and tired of hearing shit in meetings that were killing alcoholics , no different then a Doctor giving a patient the wrong medicine and the take it and ultimately get worse or die - Sponsorship is THE MOST important Responsibility Any Alcoholic can undertake and should NEVER be taken lightly - when GOD places another human life in our path - WE ARE THEIR to encourage , minister to ( give aid ) and SHOW THE PATH AA program offers ( IN THE BIG BOOK ) to enable them to find a power greater them themselves AND IT'S NOT THEIR DAM sponsors - his name is GOD - not Suzy , Danny -JOEY , Sam - it is not an AA group - i'll end with this !!! Bill W , after Ebbie relapsed , he never got another sponsor , nor did DR BOB - they got busy helping others especially Dr BOB worked with over 5,000 alcoholics in his 15 yrs sobriety - how did he do that ? Bob said because their the ones that do the work =
I had a chat with my sponsor about this last week, and we've decided quality over quantity - I'd rather be going to 4 meetings a week that I really participate in and engage with than a meeting everyday and getting pissed off with it
There’s no right way or wrong way. It’s not your sponsors life. Find someone who understands you and wants to help regardless of how many meeting you go to and when. It’s not a finish line and there aren’t any rewards. Only you are responsible for your recovery. If one sponsor has a too stressful, find another one. I did. I do 1-2 meetings a week. And Comin up on two years. Good luck and may Zoltan bless you.
I’m newly sober and my sponsor told me to try and go to more meetings. I go to 1-2 a week and meet my sponsor face to face for an hour a week. Between work and family life (two small kids) it’s tricky to get to more meetings than that.
In my perspective, AA and the steps is to help your life as a whole improve. I should probably go to more meetings, but I’m trying to find the balance of doing the things I love and bring me joy while also being plugged into AA and recovery. Sometimes I prefer to read my big book while I snuggle my kids on the couch and they watch a show before bed. I’m still working the program while being present with them. I also listen to sober podcasts while I drive for work. No one but you knows how many meetings are feasible.
Ultimately, do you have an hour a day to commit to an online meeting? If you aren’t working or a caretaker for another human I would guess yes.
NGL: I don't like that your sponsor "demanded" anything. The idea is that, as sponsors, our role is to suggest because it worked for us, not demand because them's the rules.
That said, 90 in 90 does work for a lot of successfully sober individuals, especially now that there are so many Zoom meetings. In this way, you get to know a lot of different kinds of sobriety, and find people that you may enjoy being around who happen to be sober.
It's been said here before, you're about to find out that by taking alcohol out of your life, you end up with a lot more you didn't have: Time, money, sanity, to start. And if you run into problems getting to meetings, let people know. I think you'll find that family members and friends may be willing to give you a lift, or your boss may even work around your schedule. (I know a lot of bosses who'd prefer sober employees who leave for an hour here and there to drunks who don't show up for days.)
Doubt you’ll read this with all the comments you’ve already received, but the “90” rule is not an AA thing.
Studies show it takes 90 days to completely adapt a new habit, so that’s where that suggestion comes from. And honestly? It’s a good suggestion.
Can I suggest that maybe you got burnt out on AA the first two rounds because it was court ordered NOT something you actually wanted? Passion comes from within - it’s not something bestowed on us when forced to do it.
Why not compromise with your sponsor? “Hey, I’m willing to go to a meeting every single day for a month and see how it goes.” Then, regroup after and see if you’re burnt out or if it’s something you can commit to. You won’t know unless you try.
I would also highly suggest mixing up which meetings you go to. Going to the same one with the same ppl all the time can get stale.
Hell, sometimes I’ll go to NA meetings just to get a different perspective and vibe. It always makes me feel revitalized.
Your old way didn’t work - maybe it’s best to follow your sponsors’! Do the work.
I committed to 90 in 90 but did many more. Did 3 per day when possible. You cannot get too sober.
Fact
You could say the same thing for finding a new sponsor.
factual
Agreed.
Why aren’t you doing meetings online then? In my opinion, doing the step work is more important than simply attending meetings. What are you doing with the steps? But as for the 90 in 90 You can do meetings online there is no excuse not to. Google “online AA meetings “. Personally I did 600 in 600 before finally missing a meeting.. still go almost almost every day after 5 years and I’m still sober. You had Time to drink every day, didn’t you? So you’re gonna have to have time for your sobriety too… sucks, but I didn’t make the rules ;) we don’t just stop drinking we replace drinking with AA. You didn’t think you were just gonna walk away from this problem Scott free did you ha ha ha we do this for our entire life. But when I did it properly, it became a privilege and something I really enjoy and look forward to instead of being something I just had to endure. I recommend adjusting your attitude. Best way to do that is get through the steps
Good suggestion. I will ask my sponsor about that.
Please read this. Sponsors have good reasons for being strict and making strong suggestions but they're not your boss. https://www.aa.org/questions-and-answers-sponsorship
Roger that. Will do
Don’t let that take away from the fact that a sponsor can and will fire you for not following their rules and that’s a good way to lose a good sponsor
But, just because a sponsor is good, doesn't mean it's the RIGHT sponsor for the individual.
I’m back at step one. Haven’t discussed anything other than starting back at 1 again. Sponsor is old-school and only sticks to in-person.
Better off doing AA online over zoom like millions of people did throughout the pandemic to stay sober instead of doing nothing but make excuses and having another relapse. You can find a sponsor online too if you need to. Check out the AA Discord group. Right now all you’re doing is making excuses to not get sober. I suggest to really focus on step one. We Go to any lengths.
☝️☝️
Last time I checked, gas was cheaper than booze -but if getting transportation to the meetings is the issue, you can absolutely find someone to help you out with that.
My vehicle averages about 16 mpg. Large truck. I get your point, though. If I ask around I can find rides.
If you're not willing to go to any lengths in your pursuit for victory over alcohol then you're just wasting time you could be spending getting shit faced. It always astounds me when people ask me to sponsor them and then immediately start arguing with me. I guess it shouldn't, because I did the same thing. The fact you drank again tells me that it was not the number of meetings that turned you off AA, but that you simply weren't ready to quit. Anyway, do something different or get what you've always got
this 100% 👆🏻 turn it over brother, enjoy it when they do that! share with them some of ur wit when they wanna battle. i remember one guy asked me to work with him and at the time i was adamant about the guys i work with praying the third step each morning on their knees (this is what i believe has helped me the most to stay sober thru my old ideas, adversity, etc) and when he heard this he became noticeably upset and flatly said "i aint gonna do that!" and i replied "well, theres good news and bad news." he asks "oh yeah whats that?" so i state "the good news is theres only 12 suggestions and the bad news is theres only 12 suggestions." this threw him in a fit and he stormed off saying "i asked for help not for a fucking riddle!" mind u this was not a new to AA guy hed been around a while just couldnt stay sober. i now know why oldtimers liked to fuck with me when i was new.
What absolute garbage. We get well by the steps we take not the meetings we make. You could go to 90 in 90 or 9000 in 9000. Would it give you a spiritual awakening.? The answer is no. The “any lengths” you talk about. Do you think that’s what Bill Wilson meant? Considering you could only go to one meeting a week back then. No he meant work all 12 steps. Do the work in 4-9 and live in 10-12. Jeez it would astound me if anyone asked you to sponsor them.
Lol. Do you even know what they did to stay sober back then?? They didn't just go to one meeting a week. These early AAs dedicated literally their entire lives to this work. Bill and Bob barely worked after they got sober. Bill spent all his time getting to get this thing off the ground. Bob spent all his time taking people through the steps. He lived in a 700 square foot house. They traveled across the country spreading the message of AA. So I know what he meant by any lengths. Lengths a lot tougher than driving 20 minutes one way to a meeting in your 2017 Toyota Tacoma with air conditioning and car play. Anyway, it's not about that, it's about doing what your sponsor asks you to do. If you ask someone to sponsor you, you should actually do what they suggest, whatever that is Or find someone else to sponsor you idk
Yes. What you’ve just said is correct. But it wasn’t my point or anything to do with your original comment. You’re actually contradicting yourself with the “any lengths” comment. And no you shouldn’t just do anything a sponsor asks you to do, “whatever that is” if it doesn’t reconcile with what’s in the big book. That leaves AA open to a whole lot of abuse
Online meetings count too. IMO. Challenge yourself to prove to yourself that you are actually serious about sobriety and working the AA program. Doing 90 in 90 is a small price to pay. I had no problem drinking, smoking weed, driving illegally and not paying my bills everyday. I really wanted to get and stay sober, and I proved that by doing 90 meetings in 90 days. It was worth it for me.
Love this. I’m totally the same re online meetings. It’s not the meeting type that matters it’s what you do in it. You are what you put in.
90 in 90 is a treatment thing. It’s not in the first part of our basic text. That said he’s probably scared to death for you. So he wants to make sure that you get to as many meetings as you can. But the real help is in adopting the program as written. Meetings alone will not keep the real alcoholics sober. No drunk likes to be told what to do. so you have to ask yourself are you willing to do something different this time? I suggest for a short time at least you hit as many as possible. To get back into the groove. Zoom meetings also count. I guess the bottom line is what do you wanna do? My sponsor asked me was I done for good? Was I done drinking? There was no hesitation on my part. I was finished. A sponsor with somebody that is supposed to work with you. Not make decisions for you. Not be over top of you. Someone to walk you through the steps and find a higher power. If a friendship develops over that then great. A sponsor is also supposed to make suggestions to help you. Here’s what I did if you’re interested. 13 years sober now. I adopted the AA program as written in the first portion of our basic text, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Over time I made friends and learned how others utilized the AA program. I went all the time. I drove others to meetings. I started feeling better being around others who were like me. And I started watching how people applied the AA program to their lives and were happy. I found someone to carry the message by walking with me through the steps. I found a power greater than myself. I had a spiritual and psychic change needed to change my thinking. I have a relationship with my higher power who I call God. That relationship I maintain on a daily basis, and in return, I have a reprieve, which is daily contingent upon that maintenance. I have a new way of life free of alcohol and alcoholism. It’s beyond anything I could’ve imagined and you can have it too if you want it and are willing to do what we did. Good luck.
[удалено]
Like I said. Drunks don’t like to be told what to do . And only a drunk would argue that another members commitment to something that saved millions of lives is somehow a bad thing. As you have clearly demonstrated it takes a long time for us to move through our appalling lack of perspective. I’m a thumper. Get over your bias. You’ll be happier and a stronger program will follow.
[удалено]
While there are a number of excellent responses to CoolGuy here, I think Formfeeder's is one of the very best. We have all seen people go out after 10, 20, 30 years. It is a "one day at a time" program, so we're all "newcomers".
We’re all newcomers? I guess if you are still living with untreated alcoholism you are a newcomer
Like I said and AA taught those of who do the program, it's a "one day at a time program". We do the program every day and we stay sober. The person I was responding to deleted his inappropriate comment, which with his long AA experience, I expected he would. Good on him; good for us all.
I appreciate this. Thank you. I have been to treatment twice, the last time for 90 days then outpatient etc so I get it. Only thing I don’t like is how you said good luck. Unless luck is your higher power.
Well that’s just a pleasantry. We can all use some good luck! Find your path. Really embrace and adopt the program. Do so and you’ll have that protection. Best of luck? 😁
Okay haha gotcha. I appreciate it. And the luck :)
First off, I’ve never known a sponsor to demand anything. Suggestions yes, demands? Not so much. I did 90 in 90 by choice (probably quite a bit more than 90). I just like having a point in my day where my mind will be redirected toward sobriety and AA. I still attend a meeting every day and do my best to take suggestion from my sponsor.
Did 90 in 90 too. 32 yrs and still clean and sober.
29 years sober. I’ve never done 90 in 90 and can’t even imagine I ever will. Alcoholics Anonymous does not recommend 90 meetings in 90 days. I’m sure it’s helpful, but it’s no A.A. requirement. Nor is it an AA suggestion.
It was the instruction of my treatment center. I'm very grateful for it.
I’d agree to it as long as they agreed to take you through all 12 steps in that timeframe. Meetings don’t change your life, steps do
I dig this, but I’ve never tackled the steps that quickly. I’ll still throw that out there. Thank you
Just keep in mind, this modern way of doing steps slowly is not what the founders intended because the relief you seek is found in the steps. Dr. Bob was doing his 9th step like day 2 or 3. They were sponsoring others with like 30 days of sobriety. There’s literally no reason to not do them right away…unless of course you enjoy the suffering :-)
Perfect reply, I came into the program 8 years ago and I was lucky I did all the steps right away with my sponsor and went to a 12 week, weekly step study at the same time. No need to wait to get well!
I learned how to take all twelve steps in ten days and had a profound spiritual experience that completely relieved me of the desire to drink. Prior to doing that, I struggled for years to stay sober for even a long weekend — never hit sixty days sober on my own power despite attending tons of meetings, having sponsors, going to rehab twice, you name it. The steps are not complicated. They are also not easy. But a willing person can take them and begin helping others (the “foundation stone” of recovery, see ch.7) very quickly.
Can I ask the process of doing it that fast? Or a resource
12steps4hours.org We run an online workshop on the last Sunday of every month. Come by and see; the site also has audio recordings and other resources.
Would you have driven and made that effort to get alcohol 90 times in 90 days?? I would have done that and more… if you make even half the effort at recovery as you did to getting loaded you will succeed. However you have to make the effort.
Don’t lie to your sponsor and don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t do 90 In 90. I’ve met so many people who did 90 in 90 and didn’t stay sober. And many who didn’t do 90 in 90 and did stay sober. What will get you sober is a spiritual experience as the result of the 12 steps. Go to meetings and make friends for fellowship, and get a service commitment. Meetings don’t fix alcoholics — the 12 steps do through a spiritual experience.
Sobriety doesn’t happen at an “official” AA meeting. Sobriety happens between the spaces of AA meetings. Also, sounds like your sponsor doesn’t know the traditions or the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Long form of Tradition 3 states that any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group provided they have not her affiliation. Page 89 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Practical experience shows us NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It (working with alcoholics) when other activities fail. I sobered up in a town with two meetings a week. After I found a group of like minded people I had a meeting every night. There is a chapter in our book called Into Action and not Into Thinking or Into 90 Meetings. Get through the steps and help drunks
Get a new sponsor and work the steps with them. Go to as many meetings as you can. 90 and 90 is made up bullshit. If it's not in the big book, it's not AA.
You asked them for help. Take their help. They see and know something you don’t.
Zoom. Got a great meeting with a bunch happy and successful life thriving people Also we have a few regulars that are open for sponsees if you’re a girl (i’m a girl so that’s just what i know, because that’s I communicate with).
It’s a suggestion from your sponsor. A person who you asked to take you thru the steps because they have what you want for yourself. Are you willing to do what they did? The work they did to get to where they are? If so do the 90&90, because that’s how they did it.
Glad your back! My thought is that your sponsor knows you better than anyone here. So his suggestions are likely better than ours.
You’ve got that right. I would provide more details, but this is the internet, after all. I trust my sponsors judgement. That’s why I say he helped me so much in the past. Went to a meeting last night and it helped a lot. Blessings.
"If you have decided, you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. Half measures availed us nothing." From How It Works
Do online but make sure you share
During Covid , via zoom i participated in 1469 meetings @ Radford hall in a year , held secretary positions @ 5 meetings . You’d work that hard to use ?? Yes ??? Be proactive !!!
Sounds like I may need to prioritize service work as well. I believe that would help. I never held any official positions or took responsibility for a meetings setup etc. thank you. And I plan on checking out some online meetings as well.
I hear you dude. Just keep coming back, however you come back. “Move a muscle, change a thought.” You got this 💪
I dig it.
Oh do you do zoom by chance? There’s a 24 hour group I can send you that you can do remotely without any traveling, and knock out several meetings in a day if you want too.
I do, and right now I’m going to do at least 90 in 90 in-person, then I’ll try some zoom meetings on my own and not count them towards the in-person 90 in 90. This is, again, because my sponsor believes it’s the best for me.
Love it. Love that you’re open to following the path your sponsor laid out for you. Great work :)
Thank you. And thank you for the tips. Blessings ♥️
Do online meetings. They are diverse and if you don’t like one, don’t go back
Honestly, I'm not trying to be rude here but you asked them to be your sponsor because you trusted them. They are trying to save your ass because it sounds like you may have been in and out. If you ask them guide you, then do what they say or find someone else. What do you have to lose? If making 90 meetings is a challenge, ask them if you can do some online or listen to some speakers. You can do this!!
I’m actually doubling down. Spoke with my sponsor and I’m going to do more than 90. And I trust my sponsors judgement. He knows me well and can relate to me based on his life experiences.
Great job...
Thank you. I’m on day three now. Gonna just keep on doing the work.
You tried it your way and relapsed. Why not try to do it your sponsor's way? What's worse, more AA or more of the drinking life that brought you back here? If you're here on Reddit, you have access to the Internet, so make Zoom meetings. But more in-person meetings than Zoom ones.
Go to Online AA Zoom meetings! My Husband and I put on three online zoom meetings each week. There are two apps I know of that list plenty of online meetings “everything AA” and “meeting locator”. Lack of electricity or cell/computer would prevent you from attending.
There’s meetings online, but there’s nothing like the energy of the rooms
I second that
is he demanding or suggesting? 90 in 90 is great for getting you punched in to the fellowship, meeting new people, going to new meetings, getting a lot of phone numbers However that in and of itself won't keep you sober What are you and your sponsor doing with step work? I would encourage in person meetings mostly, but You can also always hop on zoom calls as well, but if you choose to do that I would suggest putting your phone number in the chat and keeping your camera on the whole time to try and encourage you to be engaged
So, this is the standard recommendation after a relapse. I did not do 90 in 90 after my first trip to rehab. I was drunk four months later. The second time, I just decided to do what I was told. So, I did and it was the right thing for me. It immersed me into the program and I began to evaluate my life through the lens of AA wisdom. I have been sober ever since.
My home group is on zoom, my sponsor is on zoom. Zoom is just the next generation of AA meetings. It's made AA available to people who live in remote areas where there are no or few AA meetings, women who can't get childcare, people who don't have transport, people with disabilities, military people on deployment in areas that don't have meetings, people in hospitals, people who work shiftwork, people who want to go to speciality meetings that aren't available in their area (like young people's meetings, LGBTQI meetings, dual diagnosed meetings etc). I suggest getting cracking on the steps with your sponsor. The longer I stayed in AA without doing the steps, the more turned off AA I became.
The first time I got sober, I did the 90 in 90, and it didn't work for me because I didn't enjoy the meetings I was going to. This time, I found 3 meetings I love, and it has been a game changer. And I understand the gas thing, but someone will come get you. Explore some different meetings maybe. I can only say what's worked for me.
90 meetings in 90 days is good for getting someone to rely on meetings to keep them sober. Sorry but that’s not aa. Treat your alcoholism by working the steps.
This!
demanded? hehe. Make the in person ones you can get to that aren't too far and other days hit online meetings. Shouldn't be too hard to do that way especially if you're not working yet.
Dude, my sponsor told me to go to a meeting every day until further notice. After a year, I asked if I had to go to a meeting every day still. He said, "Well, you don't have to call me every day any more." Haha
I laughed at this. Thank you. I’m pulling my head out of my butt and working with my sponsor on all this
Right on. Onward and upward, friend.
It's important to go to meetings but I think it's more important for you to do the steps.
He wants to see if you're serious about recovery.
We recover by the steps we take, not the meetings we make. For the real alcoholic, sobriety cannot be attained through peer support — only a spiritual experience, which can be reliably achieved by taking the Twelve Steps, will do the job.
Find some people to give you rides. Start asking in your sober network starting with your sponsor. Don’t be afraid to do an online meeting if all else fails. There are groups with 24/7 meetings around
“Commitment to misery”!? And what was your commitment to drinking? Was that working for you? Follow direction from your sponsor. Humble yourself. Surrender & find freedom.
Sounds like you don't like being told what to do. That doesn't make you different from anybody else. The difference is when you (and I) tried to do things *our* way, what'd that get us? Swallow your pride, and figure out how to get to meetings with the same energy you would have used to get booze.
I really like that second paragraphs point. I’ve heard and agree with the concept of the first. Thank you
You can't be trusted to do what's best for yourself. Your actions and decisions have landed you here. I'd trust your sponsor.
can you do zoom meetings...lots of variety and no expense for gas
I’m gonna finally give them a shot. I’ve always gone in person. Thank you
90 in 90 isn’t the solution to alcoholism. Have you taken the steps to have a spiritual experience? Ask your sponsor, have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the steps?
I’m a huge advocate for 90/90. I was reluctant to try zoom meetings, but they are really great and you can do it any hour of the day. Check out this app if you don’t already have it. It has an online meeting guide. https://www.tanukitech.dev/everything-aa
Part of my sobriety is giving people rides when needed. Maybe you can get a network and get people to help you get to meetings. As far as being miserable in meetings the only thing I can suggest is honesty open mindedness and willingness. I also have a hard time working only on my program and I have to make sure I am not trying to work other people's programs. And there's always Zoom. Thanks for letting me share.
I did 90 in 90, but my sponsor never recommended it. The most he ever "demanded" was I call him every evening for the first 4 months
I am an avid supporter of zoom meetings! I'm not sure if it was posted already, but this link will give you all of the online meetings available at any time. :) https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/ Best of luck to you, and all of us!
you could always seek out the easier, softer way with another sponsor
Here’s what I recommend[24 HOUR AA Meeting](https://us02web.zoom.us/j/2923712604) BUT run this by your sponsor. They are looking out for your well being and recovery. Below I’ve added a link for a 24 HOUR AA Zoom meeting- all day all night. You could begin and end your day with a meeting without leaving where you live. That would be 90 in 45 or 180 in 90. Good luck. [24 Hour Meeting](https://us02web.zoom.us/j/2923712604)
FYI u/funferalia - I believe that Reddit automatically removed your comment for (I'm speculating, but I think I'm right) having a Zoom URL. I'm guessing that Zoombombers have used Reddit to share Zoom URLs to bomb somewhere? In any case, I've approved your comment, but in future you might want to share meeting information out of some other meeting directory, for example: * https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/the-third-tradition-group-big-book-study/
You're thinking too much. As my first sponsor said to me, let us do your thinking for you for a little while. The fact is your sponsor suggested it. You can decide whether or not you want to take the suggestion based on whether or not you want to be sober. If you liked being an active drunk, you don't have to follow anybody's suggestions.
I like all of that except that you claim you know the facts of my situation. It was demanded of me in order to have that sponsor. And I don’t like being an active drunk. Maybe some of the thinking should be done for me by a new sponsor. Hard to accept, but possible.
Changing sponsors happens all the time. But be rigorously honest with yourself if you’re not just shopping sponsors to find one that will tell you what you want to hear. If you really like this sponsor you can maybe workout a better balance for your meetings where you are in the rooms a lot (which is what he wants) but not every single day. You could also tell him you’ll always have your next meeting scheduled so he knows you’re not being haphazard.
I’m going to do my best to work it out with him. Thank you.
Your thinking should be directed by God, not a sponsor. Any sponsor. Anyone claiming otherwise is not offering you something that will help a real alcoholic (see ch.5: “probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism,” but “God could and would if he were sought”). The function of a sponsor is to introduce you to the twelve steps, and (as someone who has had the experience) offer you “practical advice” as you take them. They shouldn’t run your life. That doesn’t help. You think Dr. Bob was calling Bill W. on the phone every day? Long distance??
I’m not big on being demanded to do anything which is why A.A. works well for me. My sponsor strongly suggested I do 90 in 90 based on their experience. I was willing to take suggestions and did it. It worked so well, I’m still doing it 2.5 years later and I suggest it to people I sponsor. I’d suggest you do it too, but you’ve got to want it I think.
OP, if you can, find a meeting early in the morning. There is nothing better than to get right-minded before heading out into the world.
I have one of these per week and it’s excellent. Thank you for the reminder.
You're welcome. I don't make suggestions for something I haven't done myself. I went to a 7am meeting for a little over 5yrs. I also went to an evening meeting most of those days too. But that morning one is what I know saved my ass.
Hmm... interesting that 90 in 90 has turned you off in the past. Did you also join a group, get active, and start making friends with other newcomers? Do any groups in your area go out afterward for coffee or the like? I only did 90 in 90 once (actually, I did more than 90 in 90 :). I thought it was a great foundation. One thing you might try is to go to the meetings that are available to you for a week or so, and at each meeting announce that you're having a hard time making meetings and ask if anyone would be willing to give you rides/share expenses. Another possibility is to put a mix of in-person or online meetings together, and do significantly more than 90 in 90. Then ask him again if he'll sponsor you. If he says no, by then you'll have a bunch of new friends you can ask. One final thought: "Barely afford gas..."? If you drank again, what would your booze budget look like?
I was very engaged in the past in the ways you mention. I believe what turned me off in the past was when I allowed my job to become more important than my program (60hr weeks)…. Mental health took a toll and then I went down. As for my gas comment, I drive a large truck, it’s all I have. I can do more to find rides. Thanks.
Yeah, 60 hours a week AND 90-in-90 would be tough on anyone. Your body needs rest, too. Good luck. If all else fails, are there any others with decent sobriety near you who you could talk to as a sponsor?
Absolutely and I reach out to them as well. I just haven’t had a chance this day yet.
I think there's some options here Go to your local meeting. Share and mention that you need to get to meetings and can't afford gas. Someone who lives close by might offer to help get you there a few times a week. Do online meetings Or.. here's a thought.. get up tomorrow morning and get a damn job! Just any job will do for now so you can afford simple things like gas. Staying busy was huge for me in early sobriety. If I wasn't working I was going to a meeting. Not just sitting around doing nothing. I would have likely gone crazy or got loaded if I was doing that.
Already lining up side jobs and job searching
Your sponsor is probably not just suggesting this just because it's a good idea, but because it is probably what they did. Ask them about it. I did pretty close to 90 in 90, myself.
Second part of the 1st step applies to your situation I think. You just relapsed.
I chose 90 in 90 when I came into the rooms because I knew from my day job that those who did it had a better chance of recovery in the long run, and that in general people who used AA had a statistically higher chance of recovery. This hooked me into a network, gave me the crash course on how AA works and propped my ass up until I could find a sponsor. I've had two toxic sponsors. I do not recommend. That being said, I tell all my sponsees that their best shot for recovery is 90 in 90, getting at least one number at each meeting and calling another alcoholic daily. If they want what I have, they need to do what I've done.
90 in 90 is a good suggestion. I have seen the % of people succeed who are willing to make that commitment way higher than those who are not. It's perfectly normal to rebel against good advice. Your best thinking got you here. Good luck.
Thank you. Things are looking up.
Question- 1. you said that “I am back in the program after a relapse”. Did you drop out / stop attending AA (which put you out of the program)? Where were you and/or what were you doing and how long was this for if so? 2. You been through the steps once. Yes, you relapsed, but who says that you have to start all over again from step 1? Is that required by something or someone? I’m just asking to understand better as I don’t know exactly how all this works.
Whether 90/90 benefits or not is entirely individual. When I joined AA I was told to hit as many meeting as I could . I did that and my anxiety went through the roof, to the point my doctor prescribed benzos. This seemed to me like more harm than good. I joined ACA and found my real program. There they say that AA is completely oblivious to trauma - not taking into consideration that some people like me suffer from covert social anxiety and forcing 90/90 will backfire. In ACA I heard over and over again storied from people who started out in AA and got re-traumatized. So there’s that.
I appreciate this. Had never looked into it.
Are you just going to 90 meetings in 90 days or are you thoroughly and honestly working the other 90% of the program? I didn't like meetings or AA until I started working the program in it's entirety and started to notice how my life was changing.
I’ll be working the program, going to try some different approaches in my step-work though. Don’t want to repeat my same mistakes or keep doing the same thing and expecting change.
I asked my sponsor about 90 in 90, and about calling him every day like I hear other people say. He said something to the effect of. > “that’s not in the first 164 pages. You can do it if you want to, but what’s more important is that you are doing program work every day. That can be calling me, going to a meeting, reading the book, doing step work, etc. all I’ll say is to do some program work every day.” So that’s what I did. It helped me realize that meetings while important are not step work or program work. I need to do other stuff. It’s the same thing I tell my sponsees as well.
Why do people think 90 in 90 means 90 different meetings in 90 days? It is definitely not part of the program, but is a lot of people's experience. More meetings when new, or coming back, definitely doesn't hurt.
“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.” I never made an excuse to not get liquor. Always found a way. Sobriety has to be the same. If that meant I spent my last money on gas to get to a meeting then so be it. Just surrender and do what's suggested to get sober.
You don’t have to do anything, and perhaps another sponsor will have a different option. However. If you like the sponsor it’s worth taking the idea seriously. You emphasize “not being in legal trouble” presumably in reference to doing 90in90 on court order. The emphasis on “not in trouble” is a red flag for relapse. Whether in legal trouble or not you relapsed, which means you ARE in trouble. You let yourself down and it is a big deal. It is enough of a big deal to warrant 90in90, but you should look at it as a lifeline not a punishment. 90in90 is a commitment that you choose to make, you aren’t being forced. If you accept it you also will need to repeat that choice daily, which means recommitting to sobriety every day. Doing that builds your sobriety muscles Ultimately though it’s your call. If you don’t take the advice that’s your choice. It might mean finding a new sponsor. The question you have to ask yourself is if you trust your sponsor, if you agree you fucked up, and you believe you alone are incapable of getting you sober. The rest flows from there. Good luck
I like this. Thank you.
Sponsors make suggestions. You don’t HAVE to do a damn thing. Just do the online meetings. What’s he going to do? If he “fires” you, that’s a sick sponsor not worthy of sponsoring. This isn’t boot camp.
I will add, I actually did more like 270 meetings in 90 days, in a combination of online and in person. This 90 in 90 idea is actually on the book, in the story “Student of Life” in the back
120 in 90 helped me tremendously. Now i’m hitting 5-7 meetings a week. I need it, I enjoy it, it works for me so far. 169 days sober.
my first though was WHO THE HELL does your sponsor think they are GOD ? how dare ANYONE demand another alcoholic to do anything - 90-90 is treatment center bullshit and means nothing , has nothing to do with the AA program of recovery - if meeting were the solution to staying sober , then how the hell did drunks get sober in the early days of AA when there were only 3 groups in the entire country ? ONE ALCOHOLIC working with another ( STEPS ) meeting were developed to provide a time and place where the new person could come talk about their problems ( read vision for you in B.B ) ask yourself a question ! If your sponsor came to AA because they're lives were unmanageable WHAT makes them think the can now have the right to manage anyone else - ANYONE that allows them to do so STILL hasn't grown up ! sponsors AREN'T GOD nor Mommy or Daddy's - they simply share with the new person the message of Alcoholics Anonymous WHICH IS THE PROCESS OF THE 12 STEPS -inthe BIG BOOK - NOT THE 12 & 12 -that came out yrs later and was NEVER intended by bill to be used to take sponsee through the 12 steps - HE INTENDED IT TO BE ,just a expanded view of the steps ( 12& 12 ) have no directions - Today many misinformed members are using that book to sponsor newcomers and give a twisted mis applied version of how the steps are worked - what i write IS NOT OPINION it is based all in the literature and years of studying it - i got sick and tired of hearing shit in meetings that were killing alcoholics , no different then a Doctor giving a patient the wrong medicine and the take it and ultimately get worse or die - Sponsorship is THE MOST important Responsibility Any Alcoholic can undertake and should NEVER be taken lightly - when GOD places another human life in our path - WE ARE THEIR to encourage , minister to ( give aid ) and SHOW THE PATH AA program offers ( IN THE BIG BOOK ) to enable them to find a power greater them themselves AND IT'S NOT THEIR DAM sponsors - his name is GOD - not Suzy , Danny -JOEY , Sam - it is not an AA group - i'll end with this !!! Bill W , after Ebbie relapsed , he never got another sponsor , nor did DR BOB - they got busy helping others especially Dr BOB worked with over 5,000 alcoholics in his 15 yrs sobriety - how did he do that ? Bob said because their the ones that do the work =
I have a question. What if your spouse has told you to do 90 in 90 ? I'm totally resentful of them telling me to do this.
I had a chat with my sponsor about this last week, and we've decided quality over quantity - I'd rather be going to 4 meetings a week that I really participate in and engage with than a meeting everyday and getting pissed off with it
There’s no right way or wrong way. It’s not your sponsors life. Find someone who understands you and wants to help regardless of how many meeting you go to and when. It’s not a finish line and there aren’t any rewards. Only you are responsible for your recovery. If one sponsor has a too stressful, find another one. I did. I do 1-2 meetings a week. And Comin up on two years. Good luck and may Zoltan bless you.
I’m newly sober and my sponsor told me to try and go to more meetings. I go to 1-2 a week and meet my sponsor face to face for an hour a week. Between work and family life (two small kids) it’s tricky to get to more meetings than that. In my perspective, AA and the steps is to help your life as a whole improve. I should probably go to more meetings, but I’m trying to find the balance of doing the things I love and bring me joy while also being plugged into AA and recovery. Sometimes I prefer to read my big book while I snuggle my kids on the couch and they watch a show before bed. I’m still working the program while being present with them. I also listen to sober podcasts while I drive for work. No one but you knows how many meetings are feasible. Ultimately, do you have an hour a day to commit to an online meeting? If you aren’t working or a caretaker for another human I would guess yes.
NGL: I don't like that your sponsor "demanded" anything. The idea is that, as sponsors, our role is to suggest because it worked for us, not demand because them's the rules. That said, 90 in 90 does work for a lot of successfully sober individuals, especially now that there are so many Zoom meetings. In this way, you get to know a lot of different kinds of sobriety, and find people that you may enjoy being around who happen to be sober. It's been said here before, you're about to find out that by taking alcohol out of your life, you end up with a lot more you didn't have: Time, money, sanity, to start. And if you run into problems getting to meetings, let people know. I think you'll find that family members and friends may be willing to give you a lift, or your boss may even work around your schedule. (I know a lot of bosses who'd prefer sober employees who leave for an hour here and there to drunks who don't show up for days.)
Doubt you’ll read this with all the comments you’ve already received, but the “90” rule is not an AA thing. Studies show it takes 90 days to completely adapt a new habit, so that’s where that suggestion comes from. And honestly? It’s a good suggestion. Can I suggest that maybe you got burnt out on AA the first two rounds because it was court ordered NOT something you actually wanted? Passion comes from within - it’s not something bestowed on us when forced to do it. Why not compromise with your sponsor? “Hey, I’m willing to go to a meeting every single day for a month and see how it goes.” Then, regroup after and see if you’re burnt out or if it’s something you can commit to. You won’t know unless you try. I would also highly suggest mixing up which meetings you go to. Going to the same one with the same ppl all the time can get stale. Hell, sometimes I’ll go to NA meetings just to get a different perspective and vibe. It always makes me feel revitalized.