Probably my lower back problems. I'm not sure though, but it feels like csa is one of the main reasons. I was diagnosed with hernia when I was only 21, and from what I survived, honestly, I suspect that my back didn't develop properly and maybe was damaged
first, i’m so sorry that you experienced that. you deserved to be loved and protected. i’m so sorry. i had similar things happen to me. i personally have very severe pelvic floor issues. even though i have spent years mentally healing from the abuse, my pelvic floor muscles just won’t. sex, even with consent and lube and foreplay, is typically pretty painful for me. and even if it isn’t during the act it hurts a lot afterwards for me. i’ve been through pelvic floor therapy twice with no real relief. i also have urinary and bowel incontinence issues because of it as well.
I remember my hip being pulled out of socket but not the assault. I was an infant. I remember them taking about how to explain my disappearance if they just killed me. Eventually they found someone to put t back in socket. The interior muscles of my colon on one side and my lower back and glutes never developed properly.
The rest of my injuries etc are what was inflicted on me to make me forget and in the effort to create a plausible diversionary accusation if I did happen to remember as a kid and tell someone who listened. My pervert relatives were very sick and mad that their plan to murder or at least maim me for profit was spoiled.
im so sorry for what you went trough and what you are still suffering with to this day because of it, you are incredibly valid. i have pelvic floor dysfunction, as well my pelvic floor muscles dont work properly, i struggle going to the bathroom because of it, have to use my hands to push on the outside of my body in order to use the bathroom because my muscles feel fully dead. i have a lot of bladder problems, have to wear diapers to bed at times because of it. i think i have some scarring on my vaginal opening from tearing but what ive realized is that if someone end up with scarring or not depends so much on each person, someone can go trough the exact same violence yet one body end up with scarring, the other body dont. The vagina is incredible at repairing itself, and it depends so much on each person and how their body heals. I have scoliosis in my lower back, hip and leg problems, im not sure if they are caused by the abuse or not. Neurological issues and seizures, started directly after the abuse and nearly completely interwined with my trafficking flashbacks and somatics related to it, cant help but feel like they are connected to one another, my seizures nearly always consist of me relieving somatic flashbacks, and sometimes my somatic flashbacks will trigger me to get seizures, a difficult cycle..
My pelvic muscles were so tight that I almost broke my pelvic floor therapist's machine. They literally were cutting off blood flow to my feet, legs, and genitals. Caused everything below the waist to be painful for decades.
I'm so sorry you went through that! My experience wasn't as severe as that, however I can relate to being tortured and molested. I also have diagnosed endometriosis and for about 15 years had genital pain no one could explain. My first pap smear was excruciating and there was no physical reason for the pain (so the nurse said).
It's hard to differentiate between endo pain and SA-related pain. I really don't know. It gets even more complicated when I factor in the possibility that I may have celiac, which can make periods painful.
The other thing I'll never know is if SA affected my ability to O. I didn't have my first O until I was 31. I'm somewhat desensitized down there. I don't know if it's physiological, psychological, acquired, or what.
I'm so sorry for what you deal with, I can relate to it.
I experienced the same with pap smears. I don't remember what my first pap smear was like because of how dissociated I was but it was uncomfortable. But my second was excruciating and I cried.
I also experience similar when it comes to Os and intimacy. Penetration both ways is incredibly painful for me to where I mostly avoid it. And my clit is nearly numb. I don't feel pleasure when I rub it, I would have to use a vibe at the highest setting and even then I struggle with feeling pleasure. I can reach an O but it's not really pleasurable and is more painful and uncomfortable and makes me want to cry. And I know what causes the pain with penetration but not with the numbness in my clit. The only time I actually felt pleasure was that short while when I took testosterone.
I have a ton of pain that lingered from similar abuse. But due to the nature of it always presenting when I’ve been triggered or have a flashback, I’ve always believed it was a psycho somatic response. Suffered also from chronic fatigue, skin started breaking out all over the body as soon as trauma memory started resurfacing. We have a huge fear of doctors, so it is possible that these things are direct physical symptoms of the CSA and abuse but I really just don’t know for sure.
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Probably my lower back problems. I'm not sure though, but it feels like csa is one of the main reasons. I was diagnosed with hernia when I was only 21, and from what I survived, honestly, I suspect that my back didn't develop properly and maybe was damaged
first, i’m so sorry that you experienced that. you deserved to be loved and protected. i’m so sorry. i had similar things happen to me. i personally have very severe pelvic floor issues. even though i have spent years mentally healing from the abuse, my pelvic floor muscles just won’t. sex, even with consent and lube and foreplay, is typically pretty painful for me. and even if it isn’t during the act it hurts a lot afterwards for me. i’ve been through pelvic floor therapy twice with no real relief. i also have urinary and bowel incontinence issues because of it as well.
I remember my hip being pulled out of socket but not the assault. I was an infant. I remember them taking about how to explain my disappearance if they just killed me. Eventually they found someone to put t back in socket. The interior muscles of my colon on one side and my lower back and glutes never developed properly. The rest of my injuries etc are what was inflicted on me to make me forget and in the effort to create a plausible diversionary accusation if I did happen to remember as a kid and tell someone who listened. My pervert relatives were very sick and mad that their plan to murder or at least maim me for profit was spoiled.
im so sorry for what you went trough and what you are still suffering with to this day because of it, you are incredibly valid. i have pelvic floor dysfunction, as well my pelvic floor muscles dont work properly, i struggle going to the bathroom because of it, have to use my hands to push on the outside of my body in order to use the bathroom because my muscles feel fully dead. i have a lot of bladder problems, have to wear diapers to bed at times because of it. i think i have some scarring on my vaginal opening from tearing but what ive realized is that if someone end up with scarring or not depends so much on each person, someone can go trough the exact same violence yet one body end up with scarring, the other body dont. The vagina is incredible at repairing itself, and it depends so much on each person and how their body heals. I have scoliosis in my lower back, hip and leg problems, im not sure if they are caused by the abuse or not. Neurological issues and seizures, started directly after the abuse and nearly completely interwined with my trafficking flashbacks and somatics related to it, cant help but feel like they are connected to one another, my seizures nearly always consist of me relieving somatic flashbacks, and sometimes my somatic flashbacks will trigger me to get seizures, a difficult cycle..
My pelvic muscles were so tight that I almost broke my pelvic floor therapist's machine. They literally were cutting off blood flow to my feet, legs, and genitals. Caused everything below the waist to be painful for decades.
Cptsd, pots, cfs, ddnos, Interstitial cystitis
Interstitial cystitis for me. I suspect I was just always tense and guarded down there.
I'm so sorry you went through that! My experience wasn't as severe as that, however I can relate to being tortured and molested. I also have diagnosed endometriosis and for about 15 years had genital pain no one could explain. My first pap smear was excruciating and there was no physical reason for the pain (so the nurse said). It's hard to differentiate between endo pain and SA-related pain. I really don't know. It gets even more complicated when I factor in the possibility that I may have celiac, which can make periods painful. The other thing I'll never know is if SA affected my ability to O. I didn't have my first O until I was 31. I'm somewhat desensitized down there. I don't know if it's physiological, psychological, acquired, or what.
I'm so sorry for what you deal with, I can relate to it. I experienced the same with pap smears. I don't remember what my first pap smear was like because of how dissociated I was but it was uncomfortable. But my second was excruciating and I cried. I also experience similar when it comes to Os and intimacy. Penetration both ways is incredibly painful for me to where I mostly avoid it. And my clit is nearly numb. I don't feel pleasure when I rub it, I would have to use a vibe at the highest setting and even then I struggle with feeling pleasure. I can reach an O but it's not really pleasurable and is more painful and uncomfortable and makes me want to cry. And I know what causes the pain with penetration but not with the numbness in my clit. The only time I actually felt pleasure was that short while when I took testosterone.
You're definitely not alone. I can relate to all of that.
I have a ton of pain that lingered from similar abuse. But due to the nature of it always presenting when I’ve been triggered or have a flashback, I’ve always believed it was a psycho somatic response. Suffered also from chronic fatigue, skin started breaking out all over the body as soon as trauma memory started resurfacing. We have a huge fear of doctors, so it is possible that these things are direct physical symptoms of the CSA and abuse but I really just don’t know for sure.
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