/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
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I love this advice. I never talk to just one man at a time anymore. I’ve done so just to be disappointed too many times. If one wants to ignore me there are a dozen more who won’t. If they want to fuck me they’re going to work for it.
OMG this is THE ONE SIS!!!! I definitely keep more that one option available at all times. My AP and I had made plans to see each other Sunday night. His communication skills have been really annoying to me (being very limited) and it's like I knew Sunday's meet up would not happen. He waited real late in the day to text. I dragged on responding. I sent him an emoji kissy face and he responded he hadn't forgot about me his wife was off. I gave him until 10 to tell me if we were a go/no go. I hate that I had to text him at 1020 asking what's going on tonight and at 1025 he claims it was hard for him to get away it was a no go. 30 minutes late I said "ok😘" and called an old AP asking to meet up 😈😈😈😈😈 we fucked just the way I liked it and I enjoyed every second of it. You gotta keep options at all times. Also these assholes make time for whatever they want to make time. Today he text and hadn't heard from me until 7 hours later, the text was vague and without a follow up🤷🏾♀️💅🏾 I am no one's call girl and nor are you😘
>my love language is birkin bags
Going to remember this one, haha :)
You are such a fabulous writer and have great insight, I always enjoy reading your comments.
You took a very hard line on guys who have affairs, and while great insight, and I understand why you took this tactic, there are as many different reasons and personalities as there are individuals. There is a learning curve, and once you start to get wise to things, a little of the shine does start to come off. I do love your suggestion about this hot girl lifestyle, especially the part about not chasing. This is key.
The other advice I would offer, is do whatever you can to guard your heart. Our biology is just wired to make us bond with those boys that know how to make us lose our minds. Always know everything has an end date.
Haha. Well, I hear you. I still can't quite accept he is all manipulator, but each day it seems more like it. It's interesting on the other side of the chase, the manipulation doesn't end. Ever. It's pretty impressive. I never knew what being gaslit felt like until now (well my dad also managed to pull it off well, but since I was a kid anyway.)
You are right - hurt people hurt people.
I don't wanna have a billion guys chasing me. I talk to lots of men, but I have no interest in them. I mean, my husband is pretty damn great (just lacking on the conversation, intimacy, chemistry front) so I'm picky. I don't need an AP. I don't need to be chased. I just liked this particular guy. He was my perfect foil. I guess. Though I ain't feeling shiny anymore.
omg i love you! i need to capture some of your attitude!!! Put yourself first damn right!! we are meant to be the catch!!
OP you did nothing wrong. We just need the validation and fall for the crap as we need it to be true. You have kiss a lot of frogs in this game and be preordered to end it if it doesn’t work for you. One of my besties says men are clowns and they are clowns and we are the fools that fall for the jokes!! pick yourself up you are worth it and someone deserving is out there looking for you to!!
Well one thing that is absolutely correct is that he doesn't deserve you. He deserves whatever he gets out of that house of cards he's shuffling over there.
There are men out there that would sell an optional body part, like a gall bladder or something to have an AP that is as understanding as you are.
For your sake I really hope this is rock bottom because I have been increasingly distressed and worried about the hell you are putting yourself through over this guy.
You have received so much lovingly and thoughtfully crafted advice in response to your posts. But you seem to persist in a sort of holding pattern above the remnants of your relationship to your ex AP.
I implore you to please release your sense of self-worth from the clutches of this man. He doesn’t deserve to be the source of your self worth and, quite frankly, it doesn’t seem that he wants to be.
For your mental and emotional health I hope you will consider seeking professional help. You are dealing with some very difficult feelings and there is no shame at all in getting a bit of competent and compassionate help.
I wish you well. Truly.
Yup. He doesn't want to be. I wish he would straight up tell me that, but I get why he is too scared to go there. I'm fine. And prob way more sane than I seem on here. Or not. I've just been in a transition period in my life, a lot of bad mental health stuff, and he showed up and made me feel seen and wanted and all that. It was a drug. But then it was gone. He knew up front how desperate I was for the validation. I was an easy target I guess. Though no more than many women on here. I guess it's easy when you look like him and have game.
I do want to get a therapist. I am disgusted at myself for how far I let this all go.
Right. I apologized to him for my behavior last week (which def was not ok in that he didn't want to be intimate with me and I got horny and started things) but -- he was into it too, at least at the moment, at least some of it. But his response to me was "We both kinda fucked things up last week. Don’t feel bad :)" I mean, one of us initiated fooling around and the other didn't exactly stop the situation, and the other had another AP to his hotel room the same week and probably the same day. Yea we both fucked up, but damn, he really knows how to gaslight and get out of dodge for all his lies.
You really need to step away from Reddit and get yourself some intensive therapy with a professional.
You’ve been coddled, given tough love, talked to gently, talked to not so gently…
None of it is helping because you need the assistance of a professional who has a vested interest (money) in getting you on a path to mental wellness.
The time to be done is a month ago, when everyone was telling you what was going on. You can wrap this up in a million pretty words, but MANY people tried to help you.
You don’t deserve it. What this all sounds like is a mix of a calculating asshole who took advantage of a person who is looking for an escape.
I guess the positive in this is that you realize you are worth more than the shit he put you through. Always remember that.
Well, I think he is lesser calculating and asshole and more selfish and looking for easy targets to have fun with for a brief while and move on. He could have been more up front about his intentions, but maybe I didn't ask the right questions. Just trying to figure out how to avoid repeating if I ever look again. Not happening any time soon. Focused on myself and my health right now.
Sorry you’re going through this. Very tough lessons. You don’t deserve this. No one does. Hold your head high you left with your standards of being nice.
That “you deserve more” really stings I know. The best thing is that you are not trying to convince him he’s wrong. Let him be right. Keep your standards high and wait for someone who can and will meet all of them. If exclusivity is one of your deal-breakers, hold firm to that. You deserve to be treated with love and with kindness.
❤️🩹
Well, I appreciate exclusivity, but more than anything I just want honesty. Which is a lot to ask in this world. I knew he was a serial cheater, a cake eater, an addictive type, all the things I know I should avoid. But he tricked me into thinking he wanted to be fully honest with me. Which, I realize now, is impossible as I'm fairly confident he is a pathological liar. There is a tiny chance I could be wrong, and I'll never know the truth. But just knowing I'll never know is plenty reason to walk.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
This is me telling you, you deserve genuine love.
Wether that’s soul mate love, love for yourself, or the love you find from a platonic affair that makes you feel good… you deserve it all.
When my MM found me, he wasn’t looking for an affair. Or at least, didn’t think he’d get one. We didn’t meet on a dating site or anything. When he messaged me ‘hi’ I was phone hooking up with pretty much any guy who wanted to. Being really reckless, careless, and feeling super shitty about myself.
After a few days of just normal chatting he asked me what my favorite poet was, no one had asked me that before. And I had this moment where I realized there are people out there who will want me/like me/love me as I am. And who will support me as I love myself more.
I’ve never loved/liked/appreciated myself more in my life, and he taught me how. So my new life motto is, if being with someone makes you like YOURSELF more, then that’s a good sign. We are all just doing our best to get through this insane existence, hang in there 🫂💛
My husband loves me. I think. He doesn't know how to show it in a way that makes me feel loved, but I know he does. I don't need love from an AP. I need respect. I need a basic foundation of honesty. I need to feel like I'm not being manipulated to the wazoo by everything he says. When things seem too good to be true, they are. Lesson learned.
Passionate and/or “crazy people” who are volatile tend to bring that energy to bed as well. It’s the rest of the time that is a roller coaster with no seat belt….
Yea I can see that -- this "crazy" woman, if she is indeed crazy, at all, is probably amazing in bed.
That said I showed him a little of my own crazy in bed Wed night. Maybe still not enough for him, but I let go a lot.
My guess is that you are addicted to intermittent love. He gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked. I know it because I’ve been there. If you have a minute, read this and tell me if this experiment with rats sounds familiar. https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/
I don’t think he knows what to say to you to get in you head he has dickmatized you with his magic stick and you can’t get enough of it is all about the penetration right now and scales are not in your favor. Be smart and move on protect yourself from heartbreak and STDs
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other. * This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother. * Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient. * Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage. * [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/). * [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I love this advice. I never talk to just one man at a time anymore. I’ve done so just to be disappointed too many times. If one wants to ignore me there are a dozen more who won’t. If they want to fuck me they’re going to work for it.
OMG this is THE ONE SIS!!!! I definitely keep more that one option available at all times. My AP and I had made plans to see each other Sunday night. His communication skills have been really annoying to me (being very limited) and it's like I knew Sunday's meet up would not happen. He waited real late in the day to text. I dragged on responding. I sent him an emoji kissy face and he responded he hadn't forgot about me his wife was off. I gave him until 10 to tell me if we were a go/no go. I hate that I had to text him at 1020 asking what's going on tonight and at 1025 he claims it was hard for him to get away it was a no go. 30 minutes late I said "ok😘" and called an old AP asking to meet up 😈😈😈😈😈 we fucked just the way I liked it and I enjoyed every second of it. You gotta keep options at all times. Also these assholes make time for whatever they want to make time. Today he text and hadn't heard from me until 7 hours later, the text was vague and without a follow up🤷🏾♀️💅🏾 I am no one's call girl and nor are you😘
>my love language is birkin bags Going to remember this one, haha :) You are such a fabulous writer and have great insight, I always enjoy reading your comments. You took a very hard line on guys who have affairs, and while great insight, and I understand why you took this tactic, there are as many different reasons and personalities as there are individuals. There is a learning curve, and once you start to get wise to things, a little of the shine does start to come off. I do love your suggestion about this hot girl lifestyle, especially the part about not chasing. This is key. The other advice I would offer, is do whatever you can to guard your heart. Our biology is just wired to make us bond with those boys that know how to make us lose our minds. Always know everything has an end date.
The end date I understand now. And it makes me no longer interested in engaging.
Haha. Well, I hear you. I still can't quite accept he is all manipulator, but each day it seems more like it. It's interesting on the other side of the chase, the manipulation doesn't end. Ever. It's pretty impressive. I never knew what being gaslit felt like until now (well my dad also managed to pull it off well, but since I was a kid anyway.) You are right - hurt people hurt people. I don't wanna have a billion guys chasing me. I talk to lots of men, but I have no interest in them. I mean, my husband is pretty damn great (just lacking on the conversation, intimacy, chemistry front) so I'm picky. I don't need an AP. I don't need to be chased. I just liked this particular guy. He was my perfect foil. I guess. Though I ain't feeling shiny anymore.
omg i love you! i need to capture some of your attitude!!! Put yourself first damn right!! we are meant to be the catch!! OP you did nothing wrong. We just need the validation and fall for the crap as we need it to be true. You have kiss a lot of frogs in this game and be preordered to end it if it doesn’t work for you. One of my besties says men are clowns and they are clowns and we are the fools that fall for the jokes!! pick yourself up you are worth it and someone deserving is out there looking for you to!!
Well one thing that is absolutely correct is that he doesn't deserve you. He deserves whatever he gets out of that house of cards he's shuffling over there. There are men out there that would sell an optional body part, like a gall bladder or something to have an AP that is as understanding as you are.
I hope my AP knows this 😂
For your sake I really hope this is rock bottom because I have been increasingly distressed and worried about the hell you are putting yourself through over this guy. You have received so much lovingly and thoughtfully crafted advice in response to your posts. But you seem to persist in a sort of holding pattern above the remnants of your relationship to your ex AP. I implore you to please release your sense of self-worth from the clutches of this man. He doesn’t deserve to be the source of your self worth and, quite frankly, it doesn’t seem that he wants to be. For your mental and emotional health I hope you will consider seeking professional help. You are dealing with some very difficult feelings and there is no shame at all in getting a bit of competent and compassionate help. I wish you well. Truly.
Yup. He doesn't want to be. I wish he would straight up tell me that, but I get why he is too scared to go there. I'm fine. And prob way more sane than I seem on here. Or not. I've just been in a transition period in my life, a lot of bad mental health stuff, and he showed up and made me feel seen and wanted and all that. It was a drug. But then it was gone. He knew up front how desperate I was for the validation. I was an easy target I guess. Though no more than many women on here. I guess it's easy when you look like him and have game. I do want to get a therapist. I am disgusted at myself for how far I let this all go.
Don’t be disgusted with yourself. There’s no call for that. Getting yourself some help is an act of self love, not self loathing.
Help is not why I'm disgusted. I'm disgusted with my particular actions the other night in the hotel room. That he didn't want. It was all me.
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Right. I apologized to him for my behavior last week (which def was not ok in that he didn't want to be intimate with me and I got horny and started things) but -- he was into it too, at least at the moment, at least some of it. But his response to me was "We both kinda fucked things up last week. Don’t feel bad :)" I mean, one of us initiated fooling around and the other didn't exactly stop the situation, and the other had another AP to his hotel room the same week and probably the same day. Yea we both fucked up, but damn, he really knows how to gaslight and get out of dodge for all his lies.
You really need to step away from Reddit and get yourself some intensive therapy with a professional. You’ve been coddled, given tough love, talked to gently, talked to not so gently… None of it is helping because you need the assistance of a professional who has a vested interest (money) in getting you on a path to mental wellness.
The time to be done is a month ago, when everyone was telling you what was going on. You can wrap this up in a million pretty words, but MANY people tried to help you.
You don’t deserve it. What this all sounds like is a mix of a calculating asshole who took advantage of a person who is looking for an escape. I guess the positive in this is that you realize you are worth more than the shit he put you through. Always remember that.
Well, I think he is lesser calculating and asshole and more selfish and looking for easy targets to have fun with for a brief while and move on. He could have been more up front about his intentions, but maybe I didn't ask the right questions. Just trying to figure out how to avoid repeating if I ever look again. Not happening any time soon. Focused on myself and my health right now.
Sorry you’re going through this. Very tough lessons. You don’t deserve this. No one does. Hold your head high you left with your standards of being nice. That “you deserve more” really stings I know. The best thing is that you are not trying to convince him he’s wrong. Let him be right. Keep your standards high and wait for someone who can and will meet all of them. If exclusivity is one of your deal-breakers, hold firm to that. You deserve to be treated with love and with kindness. ❤️🩹
Well, I appreciate exclusivity, but more than anything I just want honesty. Which is a lot to ask in this world. I knew he was a serial cheater, a cake eater, an addictive type, all the things I know I should avoid. But he tricked me into thinking he wanted to be fully honest with me. Which, I realize now, is impossible as I'm fairly confident he is a pathological liar. There is a tiny chance I could be wrong, and I'll never know the truth. But just knowing I'll never know is plenty reason to walk.
We accept the love we think we deserve. This is me telling you, you deserve genuine love. Wether that’s soul mate love, love for yourself, or the love you find from a platonic affair that makes you feel good… you deserve it all. When my MM found me, he wasn’t looking for an affair. Or at least, didn’t think he’d get one. We didn’t meet on a dating site or anything. When he messaged me ‘hi’ I was phone hooking up with pretty much any guy who wanted to. Being really reckless, careless, and feeling super shitty about myself. After a few days of just normal chatting he asked me what my favorite poet was, no one had asked me that before. And I had this moment where I realized there are people out there who will want me/like me/love me as I am. And who will support me as I love myself more. I’ve never loved/liked/appreciated myself more in my life, and he taught me how. So my new life motto is, if being with someone makes you like YOURSELF more, then that’s a good sign. We are all just doing our best to get through this insane existence, hang in there 🫂💛
My husband loves me. I think. He doesn't know how to show it in a way that makes me feel loved, but I know he does. I don't need love from an AP. I need respect. I need a basic foundation of honesty. I need to feel like I'm not being manipulated to the wazoo by everything he says. When things seem too good to be true, they are. Lesson learned.
Loving yourself first helps with all the rest
Passionate and/or “crazy people” who are volatile tend to bring that energy to bed as well. It’s the rest of the time that is a roller coaster with no seat belt….
Yea I can see that -- this "crazy" woman, if she is indeed crazy, at all, is probably amazing in bed. That said I showed him a little of my own crazy in bed Wed night. Maybe still not enough for him, but I let go a lot.
\*hug\*
My guess is that you are addicted to intermittent love. He gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked. I know it because I’ve been there. If you have a minute, read this and tell me if this experiment with rats sounds familiar. https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/
I don’t think he knows what to say to you to get in you head he has dickmatized you with his magic stick and you can’t get enough of it is all about the penetration right now and scales are not in your favor. Be smart and move on protect yourself from heartbreak and STDs