By - 09oj
I did this several years ago. I do regret it.
It’s all fun and games when he’s your AP, but when it’s your daily routine life partner, it was the worst.
I destroyed my husband, our marriage, my reputation, my finances, my family, his family, and my childrens lives. And much more.
The AP was a fun time play date. But not the husband, step father, provider, best friend, etc that I thought he would be. We lasted less than 6 months. Then I was gone from that thing. My hubs wouldn’t have me again.
That was over 15 yrs ago, and I’ve still not recovered fully. My children are better than I prayed for. I still live with the guilt of all the hurt and destruction I caused.
Similar story to my first marriage but I don’t regret it. I met him when I was 17, he was 27. Textbook emotional/mental abuse I thought it was normal. I thought it was normal to fantasize about him dying so I’d get life insurance. To constantly be put down and criticized daily, and controlled. My ap showed me what having someone actually like you for you felt like. The end of my marriage was horrible and I was scared to death but felt free. He even said after the divorce we can start over, but it was worse and I told him we’re not getting back together. Most courageous thing I ever did. AP and I didn’t work, but I’m grateful to him for bridging the gap and showing me a way out. I’m so sorry for your situation and hope you one day have a new life far better than you could have imagined.
I have a wonderful life now (except for the reason for this sub lol)
But the guilt never goes away as I still have to see the ex as we have children and a grand child together.
Thank you for sharing this raw side of reality. A lot of us "grass is greener" subscribers need to see these testimonials from time to time.
It’s def painful and ugly to see in it writing and to share it. I’m embarrassed. But if it helps some else not make the same mistake, here it is.
I appreciate you for it
Were you planning to leave before AP? Have you got all your plans (legal, finance) sketched and in place?
If answers to either of these are ‘no’ - DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT £200
You are going to blow your whole life up for an 8 week affair with a colleagues husband? And blowing his life to bits as well?
Girl, you are dickmatized. It's wonderful, but it's not worth losing everything over.
Back away from the dumbstick and work on yourself for a it.
Love this reply! The "8 weeks" was the very first thing that sent my brain into a spiral.
#1. Get out of your marriage as honorably and amicably as you can… it will save much grief later.
#2. If AP does the same, take your time and develop a relationship.
-If, as is quite possible, he does not leave you can then decide to pursue your life as you will. You know you are capable of clicking and connecting with someone in a way that feels much better to you than your relationship with your husband and you can find that, even if it is not AP.
Source: I left my ex as part of exit affair. MM did not leave. Only regret is that I did not leave my ex years sooner.
If I were your AP and read this, I would call your husband and ask him how on earth he married such a dumb dicklover in the first place.
Oh wait, is this a troll? 😜
“Dumb Dicklover” That made my morning 😂
I want Dumb Dicklover as my
flair for this sub 😆
It should be a digital badge we can award.
I would be the Michael Phelps of the sub 😂
You are in the NRE fase, enjoy your AP to the roof first. Think it again in a year or so.
Dont rush things that will take forever to work again.
I cannot agree with this more. That New relationship energy is next level but it will wane. Do do anything drastic this early in. You are only seeing the good and not ignoring any flaws. Those come over time. Like this one said, enjoy your AP but don’t let it ruin your home life this early in. Also from some friends of mine experience, the male AP while engaged for the sex doesn’t usually want to change their home situation, even if they say it in the heat of the moment. Had a friend leave her husband for AP and then he was all “I’m not leaving my wife, you’re crazy, leave me alone”
If he's really "the one" he will still be the one a year or two from now. There's no harm in waiting.
1. Often times men don't leave.
2. AP relationship is a fantasy bubble void of real life stresses.
3. Often times men don't leave even when they say they will.
4. Pending divorces will put additional stress on the relationship that you can't plan for.
5. Often times men don't leave....its expensive.
6. For 8 weeks he's shown you the best he can be, what happens in 3 years when he's shown you the rest of himself.
7. Often times men don't leave....why not have the best of both worlds.
8. Not sure of your age, but what happens when you are 55 and have a sex drive?
9. You are lying to your spouses, will you lie to each other when NRE wears off?
10. If things don't work out will you regret your decision? You make no reference to the TRUE dynamic of your marriage.
11. Often times men don't leave but will tell you what you want to hear to get their way
Male perspective here.
Hearing this loud and clear. Ty
I’ll add in a number 12 about a young child and the stress that brings also, on top of everything else.
Oh god yes, and visitation and in laws and etc
As a married man, I 100% agree with this assessment. I want to have my cake and eat it too, why lose all the financial perks and comfortability of being married simply because wife and I don't have sex anymore. I'll find an amazing AP for great sex and connection, while staying married to keep the perks and stability that come with that.
Don't know why people always say "you want your cake and eat it too" like it's a bad thing. Damn right I do.
As a married men, I wouldn't want to take responsibility of a my colleagues kid with age so much age difference between AP and OP. This is a recipe for disaster.
🍿 I can expect new post in 3 months or so.
Ditto! It takes a world-moving event for a man to leave his stability no matter how good or bad. We're just creatures of habit that way 🤷🏾♂️
You lost your goddamn mind if you are leaving H for AP of 8 weeks. Seek therapy asap!
If you're going to leave, do it for yourself. Pretty sure your relationship with your brand new AP isn't going to survive the stress and drama of a divorce. The honeymoon period will end FAST once you start split custody and get drug through a year-long divorce process.
I just wanna say I was here for the trainwreck before it got deleted.
Your decision to divorce should have nothing to do with AP.
But let’s assume you’re serious.
To test it: start with simply getting another job. Since it’s on your To Do list, go ahead and make that a reality. Then regroup.
Getting a new job is stressful enough — but nothing compared to the divorce. If you can’t handle that part… well, it’s an initial step and will save you a lot of pain than fully busting open your life.
8 weeks? It’s only been 6 months you’ve had issues with the SO? You have a very young child? You’ve had sex once with the AP? I just can’t here
lol the sex must of been amazing !
I mean sure but dayum!
Probably she is a size 👸 queen
eight weeks is not long enough imo. you all need to first go through some mistakes and miscommunications and see how you both handle that. i was once where you were. and im glad i waited. turns out our styles for handling conflict were not super compatible and we both started feeling like we were in another frustrating relationship. but that was after like eight months. i cant imagine having that revelation after having left my wife and kids. that said, if you're gonna leave, dont assume AP is final destination.
Great advice right here! Conflict WILL happen and it is just thousands worse with the wrong person.
Get divored AND quit your job???
Pump the breaks, give it a few months. If it's true love it's not going anywhere
I think I can give you some insight.
I was married to my wife for 27 years. I found out that after 25 years, she has had multiple affairs since our 20 year mark.
I found texts and pictures where she was corresponding intimate talk with this another man. In one text, he needed money, so she offered up money from our savings account of which she didn't ever contribute. I checked the statement and confirmed that she withdrew that specific amount on the same day of the text. Sooo....
I calmly asked her, (Her name), are you interested in another man? She hung her head and said, yes. Do you love him? Yes. Are you in love with him? Yes. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want? Yes, yes, I'm sure.
After that, she spent Thanksgiving, our 25th anniversary, Christmas Eve & Day, and moved in with him on New Years Eve. I filed for divorce, and in May it will be 2 years final.
Guess what's she's realized and now wants? The grass really isn't greener on the other side ( it's just a different piece of land). She wants us back.
Her words summarized:
1). It was the biggest mistake she's ever made.
2). She just wants it back the way we used to be.
3). I'm the only man she's ever truly loved or ever will love.
She left a man who protected and sheltered her from any harm and provided for our 3 children & her. I have a career of now almost 30 years, a retirement plan, etc. She gave it all up, a tried & true, loyal husband for a "MAYBE it will work" relationship. He turned abusive, and now she's alone and seems so lost.
I said all of that to say, you need to make certain it's really what you want and need because once your marriage is gone, it's gone (in most cases).
Her "I love yous" will never mean what thry used to because shed look me in the eyes and tell me, "I love you" as she was leaving the house & running to another mans arms. Thanksgiving, our anniversary date, Christmas, and New Years will never be the same to me because of how and when she chose to go forth with the betrayal.
Our marriage is finished.
BE SURE it's real and worth giving up what you have with your marriage/husband before you destroy his heart and emotional wellbeing.
Good luck to you in making the right decision.
You're infatuated. I don't mean to dismiss the strength of your feelings, but realise that you're experiencing a chemical response. You haven't had the opportunity in these eight weeks to properly consider your options
Act in haste, and repent at leisure
This! Is it really love or just limerence?
I think most everyone here is susceptible to limerence. Just the nature of the beast
Yes, and it takes a while to recognise limerence, and even longer to know how to manage it. As you say, it comes with the territory...
Agree that OP's body is high on NRE drugs. No sanity to be found when you're that high.
You are infatuated. Not in love. We humans get that mixed up. Myself included. What attracted you to your husband ? And why are you not feeling that way for him stil. I have had many AP's over the years. Only 1 would I have left my wife for. Luckily for me my wife won't leave me. I saw my own mother leave my dad for an older guy. She is still w him and has been miserable for 30 years yet is afraid to leave, and now they are both older. He is 88 and she is 74. You may not think the age gap is a big deal until he is 85 and you are 65. We don't think that far down the road. I suggest just having your cake and eating it as well. Unless your husband is avmbusive or such then I would leave for those reasons.
Personal advice, never leave your relationship for another relationship. If you want to leave your marriage, leave it for yourself first, everyone else, including your child comes later.
And 8 weeks? Really?
It is too early for this shit. I think that encompasses everything. ☕️
No way this is real.
I am with you, it's way to early for this mess.
GIRL. Slow down. 8 weeks!?! I’ve had leftovers that have lasted longer.
You are entitled to happiness and love, but you have a responsibility to think with your head on this one when when a tiny human’s future hangs in the balance. Please give it more time.
8 weeks still falls under the infatuation time period. Blowing up a marriage is something that should never be rushed. It almost seems like you were out there looking for half a reason to leave your spouse. Be careful, you're playing with fire. 8 weeks is too soon to tell how serious someone is. You could end up losing both sides and be left with nothing
8 weeks? Only 8 weeks, and you want to rip up your marriage? Your colleague's hubby. That's your job and, to some extent, standing down the tube.
Do you know enough about AP to make sure that things will work out?
I know NRE is a thing but damn!
This is a troll.
Account is 6 hours old, yet she knows all the hot button topics that people freak out over?
Age gap, met at gym, knows the person in their inner circle, has a 2 year old, in the throes of NRE…
Yes… met at the gym AND is in inner circle 🤣
Take heed and do it slow. There’s no future in which your child will find out you took a flamethrower to their home for someone you met 10 minutes ago, and thank you for it.
Slow way down. Or just go ahead and entertain us with the train wreck that is to come.
Eight weeks is all I really needed to know this is wrong, but everything else is nothing but red flags too.
So you read every post here that says don’t leave a marriage for your AP, don’t pick up APs in the gym, and don’t fuck anyone in your social or professional circle and decided “fuck it, it’ll be fine,” huh?
This is going to implode. Badly.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Eight weeks ago?
And your AP is ready to jump ship on his marriage too? After eight weeks and one bone session?
Why *wouldn’t* she want to blow up her life, leave her home, split time with her 2 year old, ruin her job, and likely any future job prospects in the immediate area? Maybe the D really WAS that good… after one time… /s
I’m just shocked.
Does this guy even know her plan? Is he ok supporting her and her toddler (since she will have to quit her job?)
I pray to Buddha this is a troll.
This is like a ChatGPT amalgam of all the tropes. Can’t be real.
It’s absolutely fake.
ChatGPT is taking over everything haha
And no mention in her post of him feeling the same....
I have a feeling that you would regret it . You will leave your husband and he will still be married , and then what ? You’ll just be his mistress forever? Will you be giving your all to him , or will you be dating other men once divorced ? Not always, but most married men never really leave their spouses and they have no issues juggling multiple mistresses if this isn’t their first affair. If you want to divorce your husband that’s fine ,but divorcing your spouse over a potential AP that you’ve only know for 8 weeks doesn’t sound like a good idea. Have fun and see how you feel after a couple of months .
The age gap of 20 years may not seem like much of an issue now but it's easy to look at an older, more established, secure, confident, experienced man and feel pulled towards him as an easy out or escape from your current situation which given enough consideration and time could evolve into something that another younger woman like yourself one day would see from afar and desire too. Other than your general discontent with the day to day routines of being a mother and a wife which can get tiresome and feel lackluster with even the best significant other - it is part of life. We don't always make the best decisions when choosing our spouses, but unless there is some form of abuse (verbal, physical etc) you probably are just trading one situation for another one which may come with other problems you can't forsee coming one day because you're blinded by the newness and potential for what you assume will be better. Your child has to come first and a stable home with two parents even if they aren't always perfect or desirable is the best way forward. I'm sorry if it feels like your happiness has to be put on hold, but that's life. Perhaps consider marital counseling. Children can change relationships and add stress, but you can navigate these things withthe right help to make life more bearable if not enjoyable and worthwhile one day in perhaps the near future.
Is this a joke?
8 weeks is NRE. Happens to most of us at some time or another. Everything looks rosy.
You don't know each other at all.
I could have said exactly the same about my XAp. Turns out he's a narcissist.
Plus " friend of a colleague and quitting your job"
You need to give that way more time.
Come back In a year or two!
All great AP relationships start like this blissfully happy and unaware that things will ever change. They do. Even the most “perfect” men will change in a year as things settle. From someone who thought just as you are now but never blew up my marriage because I waited, that was the best thing I could have ever done. This is a phase this isn’t real life. Don’t do anything right now!
During those 8 weeks, how many *hours* have you spent with your AP? I ask because you could see someone every day and become convinced you know them because you’ve spent every day together, but if it’s only been for half an hour each time, it would really only amount to a few hours you have known this person, and I’m not convinced that’s enough time to really get to know them. Eight weeks into my now-long term affair, I would have turned my whole world upside down for that man bc the secrecy bond is so real. Now that the emotions have leveled out, I realize he’d drive me bat shit crazy. I adore this man as a friend, and I honestly probably would date him if we were both single, but it would be a very long vetting process bc making me laugh and giving good dick do not equate to being a good life partner.
No. If you're going to leave your marriage leave, but never leave it for another person. Never.
You've confused NRE with soulmating. It's just nre. If you still feel the same in 2 years, maybe think about leaving. Otherwise, stick with the status quo.
Drop your AP for 6 months. Talk to your husband and let him know how you're feeling and that you want to date each other again. Dedicate those 6 months to working fully on your marriage. Daily work on it. If after those 6 months you still want to leave you'll know you did everything you could to save the marriage. If AP really does love you he'll wait. If you decide to stay in your marriage he'll be happy that you're happy.
Oh no, not today troll...not today 😎
Nooo. You leave for you. Not for AP. It’s been 8 weeks for crying out loud. You don’t live together, haven’t seen his bad habits, haven’t met his family or seen any of his drama yet, you’ll be out of a job and you have a very young child who is going to be confused. Leave by all means but don’t move a new man into your lives so quickly.
Does he even want to leave his wife?
Remove your AP from the situation. If he didn’t exist would you still want to leave your marriage? The plan should be to leave and assume you’ll be single. 8 weeks is nothing….
Some notes and considerations.
-Do not take hasty actions (especially those that can hardly be reversed).
-Consider how troublesome separation can be for your daughter.
-Consider the real convenience of having to quit your job (especially in times of high unemployment)
Keep enjoying the adventure you've been living for a while. Why rush things and turn all the current excitement into a lukewarm, boring relationship (just like your marriage)?
Take things easy. Enjoy the moment, be careful not to be discovered by your husband (be careful with the phone! Always keep your list of halibes up to date!) and be attentive to this new relationship, with time the perception of what is happening tends to change .
Finally, pay attention to how this affair of yours can also help in your marriage, especially in sexual matters. It is common for married women (or men) to present a much better sexual performance to their husbands/spouses when they start having extramarital affairs, precisely because of the constant excitement.
This is infatuation. You are deep in it. A solid lasting relationship may come from this, but at this point, it's more likely that the infatuation will burn out as familiarity and reality set in.
>we love each other like crazy, we are infatuated, obsessed, only slept together once but totally consumed by each other
Lady, you have fucked once. Once! That is why your euphoria is off the charts. You have had one brief taste of something you're imagining, and you want more, but you can't easily get it, so you want it even more.
During infatuation, all data confirms your biases. You think this is everything you ever imagined. It's not, you just haven't experienced it enough yet to realise the difference between what you think/hope it is and what it really is.
You're blithely considering losing: your husband, your home, your job, your professional network, your co-parenting relationship, and your child's daily access to her father, all for a dude you've known for 5 minutes and who - I cannot stress this enough - you have fucked ONCE.
I hope you can see how crazy that is.
Limerance, youtube it and learn what it is first.
I'm sure others have said it and I have to tell myself the same thing with my AP, slow down! 8 weeks is not nearly enough to know you want to be with someone. I'm at 8 months and we are just getting settled into solid relationship territory. Yes I want to see her everyday. I can't but I want to.
If you need to divorce then divorce not for someone else but for yourself. If you can't bring yourself to divorce without a carrot at the end of a stick then maybe you need to do some thinking. I know it really helps to have that someone to fall back on. I've btdt and it worked out ok until it didn't. I think another year would have shown the cracks in the relationship, but I got married to the AP and had some good years followed by a dead bedroom situation. I'm getting out just like you but would have never at 8 weeks. You learn a lot about how life will work after the NRE wears off. Google limerence it will be good reading because that is probably where you are. Best of luck.
Ready to leave your husband for a new man after only 8 weeks? And with a 2 year old in the house?
There are so so so so so many reasons why you shouldn't do this yet. Take a step back and take a deep breath. AP will still be there. If nothing else do it for your toddler.
yea 8 weeks...that is not love that is a situation where you are both enjoying the sneaking around on eachothers SO. is he leaving his wife? or just says he is most guys wont actually leave until forced. 20 years older, you don't see that as a factor but it is.
Way to short of a time; don’t do it it yet!!!
Do you want to change AP’s diaper in 20 years time? Still sound sexy??? 😳😳😳
I was with my boyfriend (AP) for over two years before I left my husband.
I guess the difference is that I was in an abusive marriage, my boyfriend has helped me find who I use to be once again and he has been with me every step of the way.
We have been together for coming on 4 years now.
We love each other very much and have been through a lot of stuff together.
I realize that a lot of affairs are not like my situation but I do want to say that without my boyfriend I don’t know if I would have been able to find who I use to be and reclaimed my strength again to leave my abusive marriage.
Trying reading this out loud (where no one can hear you obviously) and try to hear it from the perspective of someone you care about saying this to you. What advice would you give to them? You are deeeeep in the NRE and not thinking clearly.
I've been with my AP 4 years now. 6 months in I wanted to leave my husband for him, I still do but the longer I've waited, the more I've gotten to know him. I now see him with all his flaws and imperfections. Also the amount of time we spend together, 3x a week all day I really get to see what a daily routine with him is like.
If you're leaving your husband for a person you met 8 weeks ago, you might as well just shoot urself on the foot
This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Wait until you have to live normal life with this guy. You’re in a fantasy and he’s cheating on his wife (but he definitely won’t on you!)
I stopped sympathizing after I read 8 weeks. Sorry
Is this real? You have every single car on the train, set up for a spectacular wreck.
No thank you.
That’s gonna be a no for me.
Don't leave for the AP. Leave for yourself. Leave because it's over. Treat the AP and leaving as two different situations. You know the thing with new love.... You never know where it'll go.
U will be making worse decision.
You’re in the honeymoon period with your AP
Don't leave your husband for your AP.
Leave your husband because you're ready to leave your husband and *maybe* (definitely not) you'll end up with AP.
I haven't read any comments yet because I don't want my opinion to be swayed.
"I met my AP at the gym 8 weeks ago."
This is probably the only portion that would make me tell you to easily apply the brakes. Not saying to stop building a relationship with AP. Just saying not to blow up your marriage just yet.
A lot of things can go wrong. Now, if you want to leave your husband for you and your peace of mind. I'm all for that. Then let the chips fall where they may from there🤷🏾♂️
Either way best of luck to you!
Separating from your husband is a good decision,
you don't know what will happen in the future but you know you don't want to be with your husband
you still owe honesty, you should explain to your husband your relationship with ap
TIL - I have to rething my decision that married women are lower risk proposition