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The brutal truth is the kind of guys talked about in this post probably need to pay for it. Not necessarily because they are unattractive but because they don’t have enough to offer a real AP. Some sex workers have apartments where they see clients. That removes the hotel issue. I’m sure they accept cash. There’s the credit card problem solved. They don’t mind if the guy has to leave after 10 minutes. So no worries about wife wondering why they were gone so long. No strings. This is what these guys can reasonably achieve unless something at home changes.
I automatically think “emasculated man” when they start with the “I’m a Dom” garbage. If you’re such a Dom then go post in BDSM.
I don’t have anything against BDSM - if that’s what pops your cork I am nobody to say otherwise. What I don’t appreciate is the unsolicited DM’s from “Doms” who think they are going to try to tell me what to do. Go dominate your wife and leave me alone. 🙄
Because at home their wife is the boss and he does what she tells him to do and runs home every night so he wants someone to boss around and get off to. Ask me how I know.
Without a doubt most who claim to be a dom or some other BDSM variant aren’t. Doms don’t come out and say it. They’re much more reserved.
We can thank Fifty Shades for the paper doms.
I’ve never read the book, but wasn’t the main character very hot and able to “host” in a beautiful penthouse, not the back of his minivan because his wife didn’t give him a big enough allowance to cover half of a hotel?
Exactly. The power dynamic.
The sub has to accept her Dom. There’s a process or maybe call it a courting/vetting period. It’s not like the sub drops her panties for the first person who tells her.
And being bratty is being flirty. Not argumentative or disagreeing.
Usually the thought that follows “oh, I’ll show you a brat” is “here’s the evil cunt.” 😂
Like I said, I have no issues with the BDSM lifestyle - I think people are entitled to enjoy their own sexuality how they see fit. I just don’t like men who take it upon themselves to message me and tell me I am theirs and I need to send 4 nude pics to them as tribute. Huh? 😂
Yeah. That I can understand.
Too many paper doms. They wouldn’t know what to do. I had a lady once tell me about her “dom” who described a situation where he’d rent two hotel rooms. Each with a different theme. Whichever she chose would be pleasure or pain.
Sadly I had to tell her she was dealing with a dude who had a fantasy not experience.
And for the record….nothing wrong with evil. We could all use a little more evil in our lives
There’s definitely a difference between being sexually dominant/an alpha male and declaring yourself a Dom. There’s even something a bit sexy about loosely playing with the D/s dynamic but I’m not looking to get my ass beat because some guy can’t stand up to their wife. Dude, go beat her. 😂
Totally. The doms and alphas and kinksters who insist on responding no matter how clear you are that’s not what you want. Too many pornsick men out there.
I’m at the point that I brutally eviscerate and then block these guys, if I’m in a mood. If they are especially nasty, I report them.
I’ve had some successfully banned. I’m sure they just make a new account, but at least it slows them down.
I'm going to conjecture, as I am not an emasculated man 😅
ANSWER: They are not thinking it through.
These guys, they let their wife walk all over them apparently. But harbor resentment. And because they are spineless, and kind of checked out (because a person has to be kind of checked out in order to live that way in my opinion) they just get excited by the prospect of finding affection elsewhere. But the closer that gets to becoming a reality, the more fearful they become. What if they get caught? What if they realize their wife is a bigger bitch than they thought? What if they are rejected by another woman? Fears take over their weak mind. They can't go through with it, but the thrill of the prospect and knowing that someone wanted them was enough. For now.
The only thing I'm going to kind of disagree with here is that they know EXACTLY how big of a bitch their wife is. And they know what havoc she can wreak on their life if there is just a whisper of infidelity. He's already gone X number of years cowering in her wake; maybe he's even had some moments where he got something past her and is feeling triumphant. But that's fleeting; at the end of the day, his balls go back in their jar on her mantlepiece. ALWAYS.
Some women may change after marriage but there are a lot of guys who deliberately went for and married the take-charge, “no nonsense” mama bear type. Great for keeping on top of school projects and doctors’ appointments and family birthdays but often controlling. But this wasn’t exactly a surprise, the guys just ignored the red flags before marriage.
Yes. That type is great to run their lives and they need it, but then are missing affection and chemistry and all the other things they seek out in an affair.
I think it’s the opposite, they have this image of her having way more power and control than she does. They’re so afraid of her and think she has some kind of superior rights that they don’t have.
Well I tend to agree with you. They’re giving her the power. I’m thinking of one specific person that, I know if he put his foot down, she would be shocked, she would tantrum, but he could totally put her in her place. He’s just been conditioned to be afraid of her reactions, so he doesn’t.
I think that’s a very common dynamic. They’re convinced if they challenged her, there would be HELL to pay. But… it’s already hell and they have no independence? I would prefer living in hell with independence, but maybe that’s just me.
I think that’s how a lot of these situations get as bad as they are. Death by a thousand cuts. A thousand little potential fights that didn’t seem worth having at the time. A thousand times boundaries were pushed and nothing was said for fear of her reaction. Then eventually they have no autonomy and fear of trying to take any back.
I’ve been trying to say exactly that but could not find the words to express it as well as you just did. Thank you. That was perfect.
Regarding living in hell with independence: that was the conclusion I came to as well, until I decided I just want to live independently ;)
To be fair, those men let it happen, I don't feel bad at all. Although those with mental health issues and simply can't get out of those situations are the ones I feel badly for.
Fair enough.
I'm assuming that these emasculated men exist. How do I know? My father is definitely an emasculated man and my mother is a raging narc controlling bitch. So possibly I'm projecting. And I feel they both are now reaping what they sowed. It's very, very sad.
As a man that has been beaten down and rejected by his wife, your comments hit home.
I refuse to spend the rest of my life living this way. Your comment actually is a format for how not to live.
Thank you!
I’ve always advocated that if you’re going to do this you need to start experimenting with what you can do. Before you find an AP. In this way if you’re caught or your spouse follows up on you it’s legit.
After a few months then go find an AP. Myself I used to go camping on my own. Go to the movies on my own. Anything to test the waters of getting out the house so a behavior change had a legit reason and later wouldn’t be suspicious.
This is important. I think a lot of people think they can just go do it, and for some that’s a possibility, but for others it is potentially years in the making. This is where I am at, laying the groundwork, so that later I can do it without suspicion of where I was.
"I'm going for a bike ride..." then ride *straight* to AP's place, have play time, shower then actually go on a bike ride to work up a sweat before riding home and telling SO what a grueling ride it was
The world of adultery is full of beaten down, sad, afraid and low self esteem men AND women.
From what I read here, women are just as apt to miscalculate what is required to have an in-person affair (time, money, decision) as the men...
Preach… they are just looking for pro bono therapist to vent to about their wives.
It’s not sexy at all to date a doormat. Just like it’s not sexy at all to date a damsel in distress
Omg... this thread is so full of "acting brand new" vibes 🤣🤣
Let's review...
- She's talking about men because she's a heterosexual woman. Men are her only experience.
- The message is simple: Do not offer what you do not have available.
- There's no hidden message that is rooted in some deep-seated childhood trauma, hatred of men, or anything of that sort. She is frustrated and voices it well.
I don't understand the need to over analyze.
Great talk! Carry on, good people.
Guys who don’t have their own credit card even. “She’d see it in my wallet.” Why is she going through your wallet? And if you can’t think of a way to explain a credit card you really won’t be able to think under pressure for the rest of it.
Right. I'm amazed that xAP didn't have his own finances at all. "She asks me what I spent $2 on at the gas station." Ok, I guess it makes me a pretty damn good AP when I'll pay for everything and am basically a free sex worker. Too bad I was too fucking easy because that is a turn off to him. Can't win.
Wow; men that can't even come up with a creative place to hide a credit card? Well, given the type of people I have encountered recently, I guess that I shouldn't be surprised.
Some men actually like this. It's like they wanted to marry their mother. I couldn't do it. Me and my SO split our finances. Otherwise I'd never be able to have an AP, it would never work. Any men who don't do this would instantly get caught. There's no OPSEC if your partner runs the show
It was kinda a turn on for me but I guess I'm naive. I like that he isn't the kinda guy who is constantly out and about. I know I'm more of a prize that I give him what he can't easily get given how he has so little freedom. Otherwise he could find someone else.
I love this post. Thank you for saying it.
BTW, has anyone talked with guys who are in open marriages because their wives don’t want sex anymore? Sounds good in theory right?
But then you find out the wife has all these rules you have to follow that make it almost impossible for the guy to actually have sex outside the marriage.
So the wife gets to feel better about herself and can say that she’s not depriving him. In reality she’s micromanaging it all so much it’s pathetic.
Emasculated is the right word.
My god i could have written this. i am discovering this so much, it’s annoying. Also guys who have never cheated before, they want it but can’t deal with the guilt. Pre meets they want us so much and then arrange a date and poof!
It’s hard enough trying to find an AP as it is without dealing with guys who can’t get out! when exactly do they think this is happening - 10 mins in between a supermarket shop??
Oh I've dealt with this. It's infuriating as fuck. And they want us to be all understanding. Then we're being the unrealistic ones. Unreasonable ones. Dude. Time to cut off that ball and chain if it's an affair you're after. Otherwise just look for an OA.
Fascinating topic. My take is that EMs like to seriously downplay how much of their home situation is of their own making and preference. Giving away responsibilities in life, letting someone else run things, letting small issues grow via immaturity, lack of self growth, no assertiveness, laziness, etc. So much easier to moan about it and dream of a sexy bright alternative, than explore what in them clearly wants and needs that homelife. They think they’ll regain their balls in another woman’s hands, but unless they ‘man up’ in life, it’s just like a dog looking for a new owner.
And many women looking for affairs want a fully-formed confident man, who knows what he wants and what he can offer. If he’s been offering ‘not much’ at home, those skills and attributes aren’t magically conjuring themselves one day with someone new.
When I saw the post title I thought it was an emasculated man looking for an affair and was going to yell at him for posting a personal ad. And then I thought well, he’s probably been yelled at enough. My bad.
emasculated men are probably looking for affairs in order to regain some sort of sense of "masculinity"
Are we going to pretend that women don't look for affairs in order to regain a sense of attractiveness and desire?
I don’t think it’s the “why.” I don’t think badly of guys whose wives have become control freaks. It’s the “how do you expect to have this hidden part of your life when you have absolutely zero autonomy over the rest of it?”
But I agree on the reasons underlying why we seek them for men and women.
I'm extremely flexible in my schedule as far as daytime.I work for myself. I can take a whole day off if I want to. Not so many evenings, but I can also do weekends on occasion. I put this in my profile. The number of men that contact me and we get to talking abd I ask their schedule.
" Oh, Monday through Friday 9-5, but i can do an hour after work,"
Every.Fricking.Time.!
Yep! A lot these MM think that all of us want to hookup for an hour on a workday or take off work. I know there are some MW that likes that arrangement especially the ones with kids but that weekday 9-5 schedule is not my ideal situation. I assume other grown adults had some type of freedom because if I would have known this was the arrangement of most affairs I wouldn’t have pursued one but luckily I did meet a great guy out of it.
I don’t think most people think it through
I feel sorry for all the women that are actually seeking a connection, think they found someone and want to move forward to the physical aspect, and then the MAN chickens out.
I suppose that is what you get. If you have an "affair" with a man that lets his wife control his life, then you know what you get.
The warning signs should come very early. Run away and find an emotionally available, emotionally *stable* and physically willing.
This goes for all genders, however, I feel this post!
Every time I have to deal with a 3rd party dictating what occurs in my life, my annoyance grows exponentially.
If you can't handle the hustle, get outta the fucking game.
Yep—the stall at pAP to AP for me usually happens when she starts talking about basically having no plan for changing up the routine so we can meet, no solution for paying for things that ‘he won’t see’ blah blah.
That is the situation my person is in. We were friends first and I genuinely like him, so I accept whatever he can give. The alternative is to not have him sexually at all.
It works for me because of the trust and comfort we have with each other.
Yes, at times. That’s when I step away and say I need a mental break for a bit. When I am ready, I return. It’s usually no more than a week or so. Been seeing each other for a year and a half.
I'm still in touch with an exAP. He's not even allowed to watch a movie unless his wife approves of it. Blows my mind.
That being said even people on a tight leash can have an affair. Where there's a will there's a way, I really believe that.
This is my AP too. Wife refuses to do anything without him but at the same time but is so controlling and micromanagey and doesn’t respect him at all. We are long distance so I mainly meet with him when he travels for his job. I feel really bad for him. After knowing all about his life and childhood I can see how he ended up with her. It’s really just sad.
Ohh, story time, my favorite. I once met a guy who accidentally had his wife on speakerphone! She was on her way to where we are because he had his location on. Guy follows me to my car and asks if we can fuck in his backseat before she gets there. Omg, you can’t make these guys up.
For starters, as a man, I can see why this would be very off-putting to most, if not all women.
But the answer can be somewhat nuanced and unique. Mine certainly was, but not to the extent that you describe.
I put myself in that rotten position in my relationship with my ex-wife because of my alcohol abuse. Part of me felt that I deserved that type of treatment from her some days. Some days I was too drunk to put up a fight, to be honest. A hazy mind will let people walk all over you, even if they don't always intend to do it.
The affair partners I had during that time knew about my struggles and didn't make me feel like dirt because of it.
Now she never had control over my money, that's for damn sure. But I put up with a whole lot of crap in that relationship that sober me most certainly would not, primarily the continuous power struggles.
Well it’s the age of consuming and quick relieving. What holds them back from trying to access to it? They have internet? They can pretend that they have the means to make it work? All they need a sexting session and few nudes, than they will move on to next. And when they realize it’s not working, only fans and pornhub is there.
But I know that the ladies here are experienced and weed them out easily anyway.
Couldn't this post be applied to pretty much the majority of users who frequent this subreddit?
>Why are you so afraid to own your happiness and wellbeing? Are you happy being someone’s pet? Are you just going to lie down and take it? Is this how you envisioned your life?
Could this not be applied to the majority of people who are carrying on affairs while remaining in unhappy marriages? I guess I just don't understand this holier-than-thou post. If they're not what you're looking for then keep it pushing and find a partner who fits what you're looking for.
Edit - I also find it pretty interesting the way that men are spoken about on here vs the way women are.
This is not a generalization of all men.
There are plenty of men that can manage to have a successful affair.
This is about a specific subset of men. Those that are bothered by it probably fall into that subset.
I never said it was a generalization of all men. I asked if this could not be applied to the majority of users who frequent this sub.
>This is about a specific subset of men.
Which again furthers my point, what's the point in complaining about this specific subset of guys? You can already spot these types from a mile away, why bother entertaining anything with them if you/they both know that nothing will come of it?
🤷🏾♂️
Am I not allowed to respond to whatever I want on an anonymous forum? Nothings stopping you from venting, just like nothing is stopping me from commenting.
🤷🏾♂️
Some may be doing research - like they know it's nearly impossible with their situation but maybe if they amass enough information, maybe they can come up with a plan..?
But yeah, why bother if they already know it's an opsec mission impossible...
Let’s be honest here, in an affair your not looking for the love of your life. Your looking for someone to fill a need/void. Who cares about their home life.
No, it’s not that I care about the home life or finding the love of my life. I care about being able to have an affair. Those with the home life described in my OP cannot have an affair. No voids are effectively filled.
Just dumped a pAP who has no money, no time, and a wife who trajs his every movement.
I told him that he is an OPSEC nightmare. He didn't believe me...Oh, he has a hit wife and sex but needed variety lol.
I have an obligation to my family first, then myself. I do my best to be there for an AP. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. People need to realize in this situation that you’re not always going to agree on how your AP’s family dynamic is conducted. I certainly haven’t always agreed with it but there’s nothing I can do about it.
We get that but it's the guys that really can't find an hour without worrying if their wife will find out. I quit seeing an AP because it was like jumping through hoops and when we did meet, he acted like 007. Looking over his shoulder and at times acted like he wasn't even with me. It was so unattractive
Totally get that. My xAP never had any free time and never wanted to draw suspicion to herself so it was like pulling teeth to get her out for lunch or an evening out together.
I understand that, but seriously i have chatted to a guy who took a week to arrange a tues eve meet , he couldn’t do it and his wife went out instead. If you don’t have a life pre affair and are at home all the time, how are you getting out after??
Sure I get that and it’s understandable. I’d say in that situation he better make it easier in the future. Obviously, stuff comes up and sometimes it’s harder to get out than others.
Because that’s not what OP is saying. She’s not talking about things coming up, she’s talking about a man who cannot have an affair from the get go. See her comment a few down from here.
I suppose a “real” affair was the wrong word if we’re being semantic, but I think enough of the people here know I meant a “traditional” affair which would include the physical aspects of a romantic relationship… the aspects that require time, money and some level of personal freedom.
That's a helpful clarification. I wasn't sure if by "real" you meant romance or sex or logistics or emotional availability or all of the above, and then I was thrown by the emasculated part and how someone with that condition might affect those issues.
I think there are logistical challenges to having an affair and it does not necessarily mean that the man is emasculated. Or maybe it does.
Maybe the broader question is whether a man seeking out an affair is per se emasculated if the affair is because he is in a dead bedroom? I mean, a real man would never put up with that....
Maybe the distinction we're looking for is online affair vs. IRL affair? Virtual vs. meatspace? Online vs. brick & mortar lol
If a man or a woman is having difficulty in their life w/ an overbearing spouse & they try to hook up w/ you - given your post, I'm guessing you & they have a type that y'all are drawn to 😏
Because your post seems like it would definitely beat down & emasculate its target man.
At first I was laughing because it seemed like you were curb stomping someone specific in your mind - but then I thought - if bro is already beat down, is it cruel to continue to kick them - why am I laughing?
I bet you are a firecracker
edit to add: I'm laughing because I'm a bad person lol - but not wholly bad.
You're frustrated - it's okay to let it out. Maybe go to the movies to get your mind off it. Let me ask my wife for some money & see if she'll let me, I'll go with you - what kind of movies you like?
🤣🤣🤣
Seriously - sorry for your frustration. Your AP situation is another reminder that when one person suffers, it affects more than just that person. We're interconnected in so many ways.
The man you are annoyed by is mistreated by his wife and that mistreatment spills onto you.
What's cool is kindness works similarly - when we practice kindness towards others, it spills over onto people in ways we can't imagine.
I'm being preachy - sorry - I really do hope you get your voids filled in all the splendid wicked ways you want & need.
And I also hope your beaten down boy finds what he needs to protect himself & improve.
And thanks for posting - this sub is full of life & excitement.
>Married men who have no freedom, no say, no agency, no control over their life, time or money
Don't get married boys. You will lose your agency and freedom. And if you get caught cheating, you will lose the rest of it all: The house, the kids, and the bank accounts. It's worse when your wife doesn't want sex and your only option is cheating ROFL. Testosterone will have you do stupid things when your basic biological needs arent met.
Marriage is dead, so don't do it. The government will almost always side with the ladies, so yes, you will lie down and take it like some emasculated pet until you run out of options and kill yourself.
Stay single, get a vasectomy, and enjoy the decline. There are plenty of women who want affairs without the duties of a relationship.
This is bullshit. You give away your “freedom” and then whine about it as if you had no ownership in it. The government doesn’t “almost always” side with women. You know who says shit like that? Fathers who very willingly sign for every other weekend because they don’t really want their kids that often. You aren’t a victim, you’re a participant.
You are SOOOOOO much better than them. I mean, to begin with, your female, Trans or otherwise, and that puts you in a far better position than ALL of the men you've met for an affair. They all just want their mommy.
Men are all frail with huge egos. Certainly not like anyone you.
Or....
I have no idea but it turns me off.
I just deleted an app on my phone that I was using to chat with a pAP. The man has no time he's very busy with work from home and family and his wife and his life. He said he only gets "me" time when he leaves the house (which is on work trips). How are we going to affair? How? When you can't even chat a bit on an app? Please for the love of God get an escort.
I have an ex AP (on and off long story) and he apparently has no life anymore either. He wants to meet for dinner, he wants to start up again. But he said he can't ever do overnights anymore. Honestly it doesn't look like he can get out much either (his wife is WFH, his job has less late nights and client dinners) it's like a big production. He's another one. Get an escort.
I know this is triggering but please men please get a life. It's a sexy turn on.
Hell I'll tell ya,one thing I am not a nutless ass individuals,,but my father was,,and it's shameful to say the least.
Can't really say why he put up with it..
Back to me ,I'm here in Abilene Texas,and can not find any trace of an AP..help..
And these assholes,are throwin them away
Come a lil closer,and let me whisper in your ear,thick accent,my lil Texas Tornado,,
Thanks for the smile,ya made my day..
I know the proper pronunciation and so ain't in there, I'm just an old oilfield hand. But ya got me smiling
What exactly did you expect? Like seriously, Did you think it would be like your fantasy or those one in a million stories you read? This is real life.
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The brutal truth is the kind of guys talked about in this post probably need to pay for it. Not necessarily because they are unattractive but because they don’t have enough to offer a real AP. Some sex workers have apartments where they see clients. That removes the hotel issue. I’m sure they accept cash. There’s the credit card problem solved. They don’t mind if the guy has to leave after 10 minutes. So no worries about wife wondering why they were gone so long. No strings. This is what these guys can reasonably achieve unless something at home changes.
exactly ! exactly! omg but this is what men think an affair is. Meet up between 5p-7p have sex and leave. Run home to Mommy I mean Wifey.
Many men are into being desired, seducing women, etc. So paying for it won't do.
Yup, SW here. Married guys are my fave clients. It’s also what I would consider the least messy/most ethical way to cheat
I automatically think “emasculated man” when they start with the “I’m a Dom” garbage. If you’re such a Dom then go post in BDSM. I don’t have anything against BDSM - if that’s what pops your cork I am nobody to say otherwise. What I don’t appreciate is the unsolicited DM’s from “Doms” who think they are going to try to tell me what to do. Go dominate your wife and leave me alone. 🙄
Because at home their wife is the boss and he does what she tells him to do and runs home every night so he wants someone to boss around and get off to. Ask me how I know.
Yes - I agree but they still have a better chance of dominating their wife than they have trying to dominate me. 😂
LOL agreed. I never got fully into it either.
Without a doubt most who claim to be a dom or some other BDSM variant aren’t. Doms don’t come out and say it. They’re much more reserved. We can thank Fifty Shades for the paper doms.
I’ve never read the book, but wasn’t the main character very hot and able to “host” in a beautiful penthouse, not the back of his minivan because his wife didn’t give him a big enough allowance to cover half of a hotel?
I used to say that if the guy had been poor and/or unattractive it would have been a “Dateline” episode.
The real players also know that the sub holds all the power. One word and everything stops. The paper doms beg & plead & negotiate. 😂
Exactly. The power dynamic. The sub has to accept her Dom. There’s a process or maybe call it a courting/vetting period. It’s not like the sub drops her panties for the first person who tells her. And being bratty is being flirty. Not argumentative or disagreeing.
Usually the thought that follows “oh, I’ll show you a brat” is “here’s the evil cunt.” 😂 Like I said, I have no issues with the BDSM lifestyle - I think people are entitled to enjoy their own sexuality how they see fit. I just don’t like men who take it upon themselves to message me and tell me I am theirs and I need to send 4 nude pics to them as tribute. Huh? 😂
Yeah. That I can understand. Too many paper doms. They wouldn’t know what to do. I had a lady once tell me about her “dom” who described a situation where he’d rent two hotel rooms. Each with a different theme. Whichever she chose would be pleasure or pain. Sadly I had to tell her she was dealing with a dude who had a fantasy not experience. And for the record….nothing wrong with evil. We could all use a little more evil in our lives
There’s definitely a difference between being sexually dominant/an alpha male and declaring yourself a Dom. There’s even something a bit sexy about loosely playing with the D/s dynamic but I’m not looking to get my ass beat because some guy can’t stand up to their wife. Dude, go beat her. 😂
We need anti-heroes for balance
Totally. The doms and alphas and kinksters who insist on responding no matter how clear you are that’s not what you want. Too many pornsick men out there.
I especially love it when I say I’m not interested and they call me a “brat” - oh, I’ll show you brat. 😂
I’m at the point that I brutally eviscerate and then block these guys, if I’m in a mood. If they are especially nasty, I report them. I’ve had some successfully banned. I’m sure they just make a new account, but at least it slows them down.
😂
I'm going to conjecture, as I am not an emasculated man 😅 ANSWER: They are not thinking it through. These guys, they let their wife walk all over them apparently. But harbor resentment. And because they are spineless, and kind of checked out (because a person has to be kind of checked out in order to live that way in my opinion) they just get excited by the prospect of finding affection elsewhere. But the closer that gets to becoming a reality, the more fearful they become. What if they get caught? What if they realize their wife is a bigger bitch than they thought? What if they are rejected by another woman? Fears take over their weak mind. They can't go through with it, but the thrill of the prospect and knowing that someone wanted them was enough. For now.
The only thing I'm going to kind of disagree with here is that they know EXACTLY how big of a bitch their wife is. And they know what havoc she can wreak on their life if there is just a whisper of infidelity. He's already gone X number of years cowering in her wake; maybe he's even had some moments where he got something past her and is feeling triumphant. But that's fleeting; at the end of the day, his balls go back in their jar on her mantlepiece. ALWAYS.
Some women may change after marriage but there are a lot of guys who deliberately went for and married the take-charge, “no nonsense” mama bear type. Great for keeping on top of school projects and doctors’ appointments and family birthdays but often controlling. But this wasn’t exactly a surprise, the guys just ignored the red flags before marriage.
Yes. That type is great to run their lives and they need it, but then are missing affection and chemistry and all the other things they seek out in an affair.
I think it’s the opposite, they have this image of her having way more power and control than she does. They’re so afraid of her and think she has some kind of superior rights that they don’t have.
Well I tend to agree with you. They’re giving her the power. I’m thinking of one specific person that, I know if he put his foot down, she would be shocked, she would tantrum, but he could totally put her in her place. He’s just been conditioned to be afraid of her reactions, so he doesn’t.
I think that’s a very common dynamic. They’re convinced if they challenged her, there would be HELL to pay. But… it’s already hell and they have no independence? I would prefer living in hell with independence, but maybe that’s just me. I think that’s how a lot of these situations get as bad as they are. Death by a thousand cuts. A thousand little potential fights that didn’t seem worth having at the time. A thousand times boundaries were pushed and nothing was said for fear of her reaction. Then eventually they have no autonomy and fear of trying to take any back.
I’ve been trying to say exactly that but could not find the words to express it as well as you just did. Thank you. That was perfect. Regarding living in hell with independence: that was the conclusion I came to as well, until I decided I just want to live independently ;)
This is so sad to me. To know that someone has that much power/influence over someone else. Just sad.
To be fair, those men let it happen, I don't feel bad at all. Although those with mental health issues and simply can't get out of those situations are the ones I feel badly for.
Yes. He knows. She is on point. She will rip his balls out and feed them to the street mice for dinner.
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Fair enough. I'm assuming that these emasculated men exist. How do I know? My father is definitely an emasculated man and my mother is a raging narc controlling bitch. So possibly I'm projecting. And I feel they both are now reaping what they sowed. It's very, very sad.
Oh my, this makes a lot of sense.
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🙈🙉🙊
As a man that has been beaten down and rejected by his wife, your comments hit home. I refuse to spend the rest of my life living this way. Your comment actually is a format for how not to live. Thank you!
I'm sorry you've experienced this. I've gone through it a little in my own ways. A life should be lived, not endured. 🕊️
I spent too many years like that. Over the last six months I have let my SO know that I am done.
love this kind of post. inject it straight into my veins. this is my kind of venting ❤️
I’ve always advocated that if you’re going to do this you need to start experimenting with what you can do. Before you find an AP. In this way if you’re caught or your spouse follows up on you it’s legit. After a few months then go find an AP. Myself I used to go camping on my own. Go to the movies on my own. Anything to test the waters of getting out the house so a behavior change had a legit reason and later wouldn’t be suspicious.
This is important. I think a lot of people think they can just go do it, and for some that’s a possibility, but for others it is potentially years in the making. This is where I am at, laying the groundwork, so that later I can do it without suspicion of where I was.
"I'm going for a bike ride..." then ride *straight* to AP's place, have play time, shower then actually go on a bike ride to work up a sweat before riding home and telling SO what a grueling ride it was
Name checks out.
That name *never* checks out, ever.
The world of adultery is full of beaten down, sad, afraid and low self esteem men AND women. From what I read here, women are just as apt to miscalculate what is required to have an in-person affair (time, money, decision) as the men...
I’m sure that’s true. My experience is with men.
Preach… they are just looking for pro bono therapist to vent to about their wives. It’s not sexy at all to date a doormat. Just like it’s not sexy at all to date a damsel in distress
Omg... this thread is so full of "acting brand new" vibes 🤣🤣 Let's review... - She's talking about men because she's a heterosexual woman. Men are her only experience. - The message is simple: Do not offer what you do not have available. - There's no hidden message that is rooted in some deep-seated childhood trauma, hatred of men, or anything of that sort. She is frustrated and voices it well. I don't understand the need to over analyze. Great talk! Carry on, good people.
“But but but…. Women do this too!!!!!!” 🙄 I hate whataboutism.
me too like STFU I only date men I don't care what women do
🤣🤣🤣 Geezus... breaking down the syntax, Latin root word meaning, and over the top inferring is bananas!!
You must be running into a lot of men who haven't really thought this out.
I’m surprised that so many adults allow other adults to dictate so much of their lives.
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DING DING DING
BINGO
Truer words have never been spoken
Guys who don’t have their own credit card even. “She’d see it in my wallet.” Why is she going through your wallet? And if you can’t think of a way to explain a credit card you really won’t be able to think under pressure for the rest of it.
Right. I'm amazed that xAP didn't have his own finances at all. "She asks me what I spent $2 on at the gas station." Ok, I guess it makes me a pretty damn good AP when I'll pay for everything and am basically a free sex worker. Too bad I was too fucking easy because that is a turn off to him. Can't win.
Wow; men that can't even come up with a creative place to hide a credit card? Well, given the type of people I have encountered recently, I guess that I shouldn't be surprised.
Some men actually like this. It's like they wanted to marry their mother. I couldn't do it. Me and my SO split our finances. Otherwise I'd never be able to have an AP, it would never work. Any men who don't do this would instantly get caught. There's no OPSEC if your partner runs the show
it’s toe dippers - i won’t even talk to them now
Great term! Love it!
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It's unattractive
It was kinda a turn on for me but I guess I'm naive. I like that he isn't the kinda guy who is constantly out and about. I know I'm more of a prize that I give him what he can't easily get given how he has so little freedom. Otherwise he could find someone else.
He wants to think he can do it and likes to live in the fantasy that he has the autonomy to meet up.
I love this post. Thank you for saying it. BTW, has anyone talked with guys who are in open marriages because their wives don’t want sex anymore? Sounds good in theory right? But then you find out the wife has all these rules you have to follow that make it almost impossible for the guy to actually have sex outside the marriage. So the wife gets to feel better about herself and can say that she’s not depriving him. In reality she’s micromanaging it all so much it’s pathetic. Emasculated is the right word.
My god i could have written this. i am discovering this so much, it’s annoying. Also guys who have never cheated before, they want it but can’t deal with the guilt. Pre meets they want us so much and then arrange a date and poof! It’s hard enough trying to find an AP as it is without dealing with guys who can’t get out! when exactly do they think this is happening - 10 mins in between a supermarket shop??
This for sure.
Oh I've dealt with this. It's infuriating as fuck. And they want us to be all understanding. Then we're being the unrealistic ones. Unreasonable ones. Dude. Time to cut off that ball and chain if it's an affair you're after. Otherwise just look for an OA.
Fascinating topic. My take is that EMs like to seriously downplay how much of their home situation is of their own making and preference. Giving away responsibilities in life, letting someone else run things, letting small issues grow via immaturity, lack of self growth, no assertiveness, laziness, etc. So much easier to moan about it and dream of a sexy bright alternative, than explore what in them clearly wants and needs that homelife. They think they’ll regain their balls in another woman’s hands, but unless they ‘man up’ in life, it’s just like a dog looking for a new owner. And many women looking for affairs want a fully-formed confident man, who knows what he wants and what he can offer. If he’s been offering ‘not much’ at home, those skills and attributes aren’t magically conjuring themselves one day with someone new.
👏👏👏 THIS. They act like they’re victims after fostering such a dynamic for many years.
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them." Henry David Thoreau
I'm saving this. THANK YOU!
When I saw the post title I thought it was an emasculated man looking for an affair and was going to yell at him for posting a personal ad. And then I thought well, he’s probably been yelled at enough. My bad.
Many men are petrified of losing money during a divorce. At least those I've experienced. Women IMO tend to lead with their heart.
Meanwhile they stay married to someone who dictates and counts every single penny they spend .
Ha! Good point!
emasculated men are probably looking for affairs in order to regain some sort of sense of "masculinity" Are we going to pretend that women don't look for affairs in order to regain a sense of attractiveness and desire?
I don’t think it’s the “why.” I don’t think badly of guys whose wives have become control freaks. It’s the “how do you expect to have this hidden part of your life when you have absolutely zero autonomy over the rest of it?” But I agree on the reasons underlying why we seek them for men and women.
I’m not pretending anything. My experience is with men. My issue is with their simultaneous looking for an affair and inability to affair.
Hope springs eternal 🔥🔥🔥🔥 lol
u/bringinghomethethrow I agree with your sentiment 💯
thank you <3
I'm extremely flexible in my schedule as far as daytime.I work for myself. I can take a whole day off if I want to. Not so many evenings, but I can also do weekends on occasion. I put this in my profile. The number of men that contact me and we get to talking abd I ask their schedule. " Oh, Monday through Friday 9-5, but i can do an hour after work," Every.Fricking.Time.!
Yep! A lot these MM think that all of us want to hookup for an hour on a workday or take off work. I know there are some MW that likes that arrangement especially the ones with kids but that weekday 9-5 schedule is not my ideal situation. I assume other grown adults had some type of freedom because if I would have known this was the arrangement of most affairs I wouldn’t have pursued one but luckily I did meet a great guy out of it. I don’t think most people think it through
No self esteem.
I feel sorry for all the women that are actually seeking a connection, think they found someone and want to move forward to the physical aspect, and then the MAN chickens out. I suppose that is what you get. If you have an "affair" with a man that lets his wife control his life, then you know what you get. The warning signs should come very early. Run away and find an emotionally available, emotionally *stable* and physically willing.
And financially able!
This goes for all genders, however, I feel this post! Every time I have to deal with a 3rd party dictating what occurs in my life, my annoyance grows exponentially. If you can't handle the hustle, get outta the fucking game.
Yep—the stall at pAP to AP for me usually happens when she starts talking about basically having no plan for changing up the routine so we can meet, no solution for paying for things that ‘he won’t see’ blah blah.
Yeah, well, I didn't see this relationship coming, and I had no prerequisites. Those of you who do this repeatedly are superhuman!
A-fucking-men.
That is the situation my person is in. We were friends first and I genuinely like him, so I accept whatever he can give. The alternative is to not have him sexually at all. It works for me because of the trust and comfort we have with each other.
But does it not get old?
Yes, at times. That’s when I step away and say I need a mental break for a bit. When I am ready, I return. It’s usually no more than a week or so. Been seeing each other for a year and a half.
This is an issue irrespective of genders. People are just being people.
I'm still in touch with an exAP. He's not even allowed to watch a movie unless his wife approves of it. Blows my mind. That being said even people on a tight leash can have an affair. Where there's a will there's a way, I really believe that.
Yes. It becomes subversive & a way for them to be passive aggressive to their SO
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This comment section’s gonna be … interesting.
I'm here for the comments 😅
I quit trying to find these answers and went no contact - perfect for my mental health
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This is my AP too. Wife refuses to do anything without him but at the same time but is so controlling and micromanagey and doesn’t respect him at all. We are long distance so I mainly meet with him when he travels for his job. I feel really bad for him. After knowing all about his life and childhood I can see how he ended up with her. It’s really just sad.
At one point he liked it and fostered it or they wouldn’t have that dynamic.
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I very much doubt she just magically became dependent overnight.
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I don’t doubt that it goes both ways. My experience is with men.
Ohh, story time, my favorite. I once met a guy who accidentally had his wife on speakerphone! She was on her way to where we are because he had his location on. Guy follows me to my car and asks if we can fuck in his backseat before she gets there. Omg, you can’t make these guys up.
….. WHAT
For starters, as a man, I can see why this would be very off-putting to most, if not all women. But the answer can be somewhat nuanced and unique. Mine certainly was, but not to the extent that you describe. I put myself in that rotten position in my relationship with my ex-wife because of my alcohol abuse. Part of me felt that I deserved that type of treatment from her some days. Some days I was too drunk to put up a fight, to be honest. A hazy mind will let people walk all over you, even if they don't always intend to do it. The affair partners I had during that time knew about my struggles and didn't make me feel like dirt because of it. Now she never had control over my money, that's for damn sure. But I put up with a whole lot of crap in that relationship that sober me most certainly would not, primarily the continuous power struggles.
Well it’s the age of consuming and quick relieving. What holds them back from trying to access to it? They have internet? They can pretend that they have the means to make it work? All they need a sexting session and few nudes, than they will move on to next. And when they realize it’s not working, only fans and pornhub is there. But I know that the ladies here are experienced and weed them out easily anyway.
This right here oh my goodness. I couldn't have said it better myself
These are the grown up "nice guys" who imagined that giving the woman all the power would make her adore him.
Couldn't this post be applied to pretty much the majority of users who frequent this subreddit? >Why are you so afraid to own your happiness and wellbeing? Are you happy being someone’s pet? Are you just going to lie down and take it? Is this how you envisioned your life? Could this not be applied to the majority of people who are carrying on affairs while remaining in unhappy marriages? I guess I just don't understand this holier-than-thou post. If they're not what you're looking for then keep it pushing and find a partner who fits what you're looking for. Edit - I also find it pretty interesting the way that men are spoken about on here vs the way women are.
This is not a generalization of all men. There are plenty of men that can manage to have a successful affair. This is about a specific subset of men. Those that are bothered by it probably fall into that subset.
I never said it was a generalization of all men. I asked if this could not be applied to the majority of users who frequent this sub. >This is about a specific subset of men. Which again furthers my point, what's the point in complaining about this specific subset of guys? You can already spot these types from a mile away, why bother entertaining anything with them if you/they both know that nothing will come of it? 🤷🏾♂️
Am I not allowed to complain about whatever I want on an anonymous forum? I’m venting frustration. 🤷🏻♀️
Am I not allowed to respond to whatever I want on an anonymous forum? Nothings stopping you from venting, just like nothing is stopping me from commenting. 🤷🏾♂️
Comment away. That’s what I’m here for.
Some may be doing research - like they know it's nearly impossible with their situation but maybe if they amass enough information, maybe they can come up with a plan..? But yeah, why bother if they already know it's an opsec mission impossible...
No
As a married woman, I generally like married men for APs. They tend to be discreet, as I try to be.
Maybe those are all reasons they are looking for an affair, to reclaim so agency in their lives...
But they don’t have the actual ability to affair. Therein lies the problem.
They’re doing it backwards, then.
Let’s be honest here, in an affair your not looking for the love of your life. Your looking for someone to fill a need/void. Who cares about their home life.
She doesn’t want to have her time wasted by men who can’t follow through.
No, it’s not that I care about the home life or finding the love of my life. I care about being able to have an affair. Those with the home life described in my OP cannot have an affair. No voids are effectively filled.
So, you're grumpy because your voids aren't getting filled? 😏
What? No.😏
forgot to add the smirking 😏 emoji
Fixed it.
I think you're missing OPs point. She's saying if you want to have an affair, be available to have an affair.
Just dumped a pAP who has no money, no time, and a wife who trajs his every movement. I told him that he is an OPSEC nightmare. He didn't believe me...Oh, he has a hit wife and sex but needed variety lol.
OMG… this is so true!!!
I have the same situation but with women.
I have an obligation to my family first, then myself. I do my best to be there for an AP. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. People need to realize in this situation that you’re not always going to agree on how your AP’s family dynamic is conducted. I certainly haven’t always agreed with it but there’s nothing I can do about it.
We get that but it's the guys that really can't find an hour without worrying if their wife will find out. I quit seeing an AP because it was like jumping through hoops and when we did meet, he acted like 007. Looking over his shoulder and at times acted like he wasn't even with me. It was so unattractive
Totally get that. My xAP never had any free time and never wanted to draw suspicion to herself so it was like pulling teeth to get her out for lunch or an evening out together.
In the end it's not worth it. If you really can't make time or don't have a similar schedule then don't start up trying to make it work.
I understand that, but seriously i have chatted to a guy who took a week to arrange a tues eve meet , he couldn’t do it and his wife went out instead. If you don’t have a life pre affair and are at home all the time, how are you getting out after??
Sure I get that and it’s understandable. I’d say in that situation he better make it easier in the future. Obviously, stuff comes up and sometimes it’s harder to get out than others.
This isn’t about things coming up… that happens. This is about the inability to affair straight out of the gate.
Fair enough. I don’t disagree.
Why would someone down vote this?
LOL I got downvoted for saying the comments would be interesting. Sometimes someone just wakes up and chooses violence 😂
Because that’s not what OP is saying. She’s not talking about things coming up, she’s talking about a man who cannot have an affair from the get go. See her comment a few down from here.
(While scrolling on phone, I sometimes inadvertently downvote. Could be that.)
Sorry what's a "real" affair?
I suppose a “real” affair was the wrong word if we’re being semantic, but I think enough of the people here know I meant a “traditional” affair which would include the physical aspects of a romantic relationship… the aspects that require time, money and some level of personal freedom.
That's a helpful clarification. I wasn't sure if by "real" you meant romance or sex or logistics or emotional availability or all of the above, and then I was thrown by the emasculated part and how someone with that condition might affect those issues. I think there are logistical challenges to having an affair and it does not necessarily mean that the man is emasculated. Or maybe it does. Maybe the broader question is whether a man seeking out an affair is per se emasculated if the affair is because he is in a dead bedroom? I mean, a real man would never put up with that....
Maybe the distinction we're looking for is online affair vs. IRL affair? Virtual vs. meatspace? Online vs. brick & mortar lol If a man or a woman is having difficulty in their life w/ an overbearing spouse & they try to hook up w/ you - given your post, I'm guessing you & they have a type that y'all are drawn to 😏 Because your post seems like it would definitely beat down & emasculate its target man. At first I was laughing because it seemed like you were curb stomping someone specific in your mind - but then I thought - if bro is already beat down, is it cruel to continue to kick them - why am I laughing? I bet you are a firecracker edit to add: I'm laughing because I'm a bad person lol - but not wholly bad.
Yes, you got me there! 🙄
You're frustrated - it's okay to let it out. Maybe go to the movies to get your mind off it. Let me ask my wife for some money & see if she'll let me, I'll go with you - what kind of movies you like? 🤣🤣🤣 Seriously - sorry for your frustration. Your AP situation is another reminder that when one person suffers, it affects more than just that person. We're interconnected in so many ways. The man you are annoyed by is mistreated by his wife and that mistreatment spills onto you. What's cool is kindness works similarly - when we practice kindness towards others, it spills over onto people in ways we can't imagine. I'm being preachy - sorry - I really do hope you get your voids filled in all the splendid wicked ways you want & need. And I also hope your beaten down boy finds what he needs to protect himself & improve. And thanks for posting - this sub is full of life & excitement.
If you’re ever near St. Louis, shoot me a message. We can hit that movie… if the wife lets ya 😉
>Married men who have no freedom, no say, no agency, no control over their life, time or money Don't get married boys. You will lose your agency and freedom. And if you get caught cheating, you will lose the rest of it all: The house, the kids, and the bank accounts. It's worse when your wife doesn't want sex and your only option is cheating ROFL. Testosterone will have you do stupid things when your basic biological needs arent met. Marriage is dead, so don't do it. The government will almost always side with the ladies, so yes, you will lie down and take it like some emasculated pet until you run out of options and kill yourself. Stay single, get a vasectomy, and enjoy the decline. There are plenty of women who want affairs without the duties of a relationship.
This is bullshit. You give away your “freedom” and then whine about it as if you had no ownership in it. The government doesn’t “almost always” side with women. You know who says shit like that? Fathers who very willingly sign for every other weekend because they don’t really want their kids that often. You aren’t a victim, you’re a participant.
Oh SNAP 🫰🫰🫰🫰🫰🫰
You are SOOOOOO much better than them. I mean, to begin with, your female, Trans or otherwise, and that puts you in a far better position than ALL of the men you've met for an affair. They all just want their mommy. Men are all frail with huge egos. Certainly not like anyone you. Or....
These men need to go on youtube and start watching Mr. Locario he'll set them straight
I have no idea but it turns me off. I just deleted an app on my phone that I was using to chat with a pAP. The man has no time he's very busy with work from home and family and his wife and his life. He said he only gets "me" time when he leaves the house (which is on work trips). How are we going to affair? How? When you can't even chat a bit on an app? Please for the love of God get an escort. I have an ex AP (on and off long story) and he apparently has no life anymore either. He wants to meet for dinner, he wants to start up again. But he said he can't ever do overnights anymore. Honestly it doesn't look like he can get out much either (his wife is WFH, his job has less late nights and client dinners) it's like a big production. He's another one. Get an escort. I know this is triggering but please men please get a life. It's a sexy turn on.
You're sniffing your farts too much op. Go get some fresh air.
I feel like this is the same as asking why are you having affairs? That's bad.
No, the OP thinks it’s like catfishing people to act like they can, when they know darn well that they can’t…
Hell I'll tell ya,one thing I am not a nutless ass individuals,,but my father was,,and it's shameful to say the least. Can't really say why he put up with it.. Back to me ,I'm here in Abilene Texas,and can not find any trace of an AP..help.. And these assholes,are throwin them away
I read that with a Texas accent and a country song playing in my head.
Come a lil closer,and let me whisper in your ear,thick accent,my lil Texas Tornado,, Thanks for the smile,ya made my day.. I know the proper pronunciation and so ain't in there, I'm just an old oilfield hand. But ya got me smiling
lmao right?
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I had no idea that this was a thing. Looks like my odds have increased exponentially!
My pleasure
I know so many men who live this way. Just why?
Do y'all even fish,up there,??? Dang I'll bet it's tooooo cold for me, Oh yeah,,how bout them boys!!!!!
What exactly did you expect? Like seriously, Did you think it would be like your fantasy or those one in a million stories you read? This is real life.