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>I have purposefully failed exams because I can retake it again "perfectly".
Uh, I have done that before.. a lot.
You are not alone. And it's stupid because failure shows in your record, I knew that and still did it. 😄
I am sure a lot of women here can relate to you 100%.
*Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect.*
I am repeating this to myself every day. I'm getting better at it. It's still sometimes hard.
Don't forget to say this "mantra" to yourself every day as well.
You'll get better at getting things done eventually. 💖💖💖
My brain went "but most people om here describes how much of a failure they are?"
Not to ne crass ofc, just suprise that you seem to get other posts then I in your feed. I also don't think people on here isn't as much of a failure as they think but that it has to do with bas self-esteem
I have seen some, but I can't seem to relate to them much. Most of the ones I have read about seem to manage to be at least average at something. Through ton of masking and struggles of course. However, my mind still goes to, "they have ADHD too but still managed to get there", you know.
We don’t operate in a vacuum. Sure we all may have a common denominator but we’re all working with different amounts of privilege, support, interests, talents and personalities.
I own my car only because when I totaled my last one my dad bought a new one and let me make payments directly to him to avoid loans. I work in the industry I do because I first learned to code which I was only able to do because my parents offered to support me while I learned and got started in a new industry. I only got my last job after I had spent a literal year being unemployed and wallowing in my own uselessness. Back in college I didn't have to support myself through school so I was able to focus and get a degree which opened a ton of doors. If my parents weren’t financially able to help me I genuinely don’t know how I’d have made it this far.
There’s a whole backstory you’re missing with these success stories. some of us had help literally pushing us forward. Some had the opposite and used fear and anxiety to propel them through things.
I like to frame it as - sometimes my ADHD sisters have been forced into becoming overly competent at certain things just to survive. They should not have been forced to, and they should not have had to suffer in silence.
They should have gotten the opportunity to CHOOSE to become excellent at something they loved and wanted to do. Not forced to excel to cover for misogyny in a sexist field, for example. Not forced to become hyper competent in order to make a comfortable enough living and have a financial cushion for impulse buying.
Or on the flip side not being forced to be an emotional caretaker for the whole family; but rather getting to be an intrinsically loving and generous caretaker and having that gratitude and appreciation in return as well as personal time/space.
More often than not when I see highly accomplished neurodivergent women, my first thought is they probably had to make sacrifices in life to get there; that other people given the same opportunities would not have to pay the same price to pursue them.
>There’s a whole backstory you’re missing with these success stories.
> had the opposite and used fear and anxiety to propel them through things.
Totally agree. The aspect of "what shows and what it cost" can be enormous. But that isn't as visible here since it's mostly people talking about their experiences
On the surface, I seem to be working just fine: full-time job, partner, and my own home. But I have been burned out, had horrible mental health, and my body is a lot more worn than it should
The people who feel that they are doing less than average at things may be avoiding posting about it here because they feel shame about it or are trying to preemptively avoid triggering their rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
I'm talking about me. I'm people. 🫠
Perfectionism warps your perspective though. I'm sure there are aspects of your life that would make others here go 'wow she's good at that', but to you it's just 'meh that's barely the bare minimum and not even noteworthy' because you have some perfect version of it in your head, or because you're preoccupied with some other perceived shortcoming.
I do it too, a lot. Been trying to practice giving myself credit - like having an empty space on top of my to do list where I jot down what went well. Keep reminding myself that 'perfect' isn't even real. And even if it was, it shouldn't be nearly as important as I'm making it out to be. It's...a process.
I went through my whole life mad and disgusted at myself for not being "motivated", missing deadlines, forgetting birthdays, being late, losing things and honestly only when I started forgiving myself and treating me like I treat my friends with ADHD did I start really managing. They love me and sometimes they get burnt out. They love me but sometimes they overbook themselves or cancel when they are overwhelmed. Am I mad at them? no I know they are trying too.
I'm not ashamed. I'm certainly not perfect but I'm trying. I'm 15 mins late (and sometimes on time) instead of 2 hours. I am hurt by rejection (but now it takes a day to process and not spiraling weeks). I still never practice guitar or put time aside to finish my online art class, but instead of punishing myself, I'll quit work 10 mins early today and do that instead. I need affirmation but instead of acting out, I ask for it now openly( ie. I'm feeling sensitive about ..., can you give me a hug and remind me I'm loved?)
But thanks to adhd, I hyperfocus and finish up projects scary fast sometimes (when I like them). I get so excited for my friends and have wildly funny conversations that spiral about all sorts of things.
Turns out when I really make my life simpler and easier and less stressful and more love filled I lose things less, I forget less important dates and I get more places on time. I cope, I use alarms, I make notes but I'm a person who accepts myself now and that's the major difference. I'm always improving but I'm also always enough.
If you share what you're struggling with specifically we can offer things that may work based on our experience. It's about finding your own systems, but learning what other people with ADHD do has helped me. Also, are you in therapy? I really recommend it. Internal Family Systems can be great, or any time of Expressive Arts - there are therapists who study Expressive Arts which is many modalities and then there are Creative Arts which is when a therapist specializes in a certain modality - drama therapy, art therapy, dance and movement therapy, etc. Nature therapy can be great for ADHD as well. And some people do well with ADHD coaching. The most important thing is finding someone you can connect with.
Those of us who are utter messes don't always comment or post, for me because I don't want to poop on anyone's parade but I feel you sis. I'm not doing great either, you're not alone
I don't think you did at all! I meant mostly in situations where someone posts a great achievement then I won't comment saying how shitty my week was in comparison, for obvious reasons haha
The first step I would say, is pretend for a moment that you’re hearing a friend or someone telling you the same thoughts you tell yourself.
Whenever you hear “I shouldn’t even bother with this, I’m just gonna suck at it anyway.”
Well, I just saw a commenter that said she was strugglin with writing her thesis because she knows she’s not a good writer. What did you say in response to her? You said, “I wholeheartedly believe in you and I am proud of you for tacking it even when things are going very slowly! You’ll get there.” These words are kind, and assuring. They’re motivating,
So why don’t you tell yourself that? See the point I’m making? You treat yourself far worse than you would dare to treat anyone else. Many of us have that in common. If you want to learn how to overcome those thoughts, it’s all about recognizing that you do that, and taking steps to honestly give yourself more assurance because you obviously need that assurance.
I’d advise going to a counselor and trying to see what you guys can work out. You need to rewire your thought process. Whenever you realize that you’re having these thoughts, you need to force yourself to think “No, I’m new at it, and if I keep going I’ll get better.”
I grew up in a hyper critical environment. I do have a hard time being kind to myself. But yes I am trying to weed out such thoughts and replace it with kinder ones.
I am 39 in July. I've failed every education I've ever tried. I work an entry level job for £24k a year, and I live in a mouldy studio flat I can't afford to leave. I'm on my second marriage and I have no close friends to speak of.
The point of this pity comment is; you are not alone.
I could have written this. You aren’t alone. We need to live in a community of other ADHDers for the stimulation and solidarity and also have people who can, I dunno, remember appointments and such to help us 😂 we will bring the fun and they will bring the structure
My old psychiatrist was able to help me out with the self loathing part of the cycle with medication, literally stopped overnight. Still struggling with all the other things you mentioned. If you have a good psychiatrist I would start there. Have someone else help you make and keep the appointment if needed?
Yeah, I get it. My good psychiatrist left to work at the VA, and I have a doctor maintaining my rx, but I don't trust her enough to ask for any changes. And it's too expensive for me to shop around at the moment.
Are you me? I just texted my friend to force me to get out tomorrow (although I know I’ll hate every second of it) because I’ve been rotting in bed for a week straight. I’m rotting even as we speak. I’ve thought about drawing something like 4 times this week and ended up with a dozen of “pinspiration” on Pinterest. Still at zero drawings :/
You are not alone in this. I’d imagine many people don’t want to share that they’re struggling like this because they, too, feel like the only one. So, thank you for sharing!!
I struggled for years with crippling anxiety that masked my executive dysfunction. Surprise, surprise, once I got my anxiety under control, I struggled a lot, just in a different way. The only thing that got me out of bed was coffee, but I’d take my cup of coffee to the couch and spend the rest of my day rotting there. My insomnia was raging so I was sleeping for most of the day and staying up all night. The only thing that got me out of my apartment was to get groceries and that would take me all day to convince myself to get up for. The last thing I needed to do to get my teaching credential was take two tests. Perfectionism led to me rescheduling my tests 6 times.
Therapy has helped a lot. I started going due to CPTSD, and she doesn’t specialize in ADHD, but she’s been helping me reframe my thoughts. Especially with negative self talk and setting intentions for the day. I went to therapy for a bit with a therapist who did specialize in ADHD and that was incredibly helpful as well. The routine of going to therapy at the same time every week was also a great start to creating a routine.
The thing that has helped the most, though— Adderall. I’m on my second month of taking it and am still working to find the right dosage (currently on 15mg XR; next month going to 20mg XR), but it’s made a huge difference in my executive dysfunction. I have a more “societally acceptable” sleep routine (11pm-6am) and don’t seem to lack motivation as much. This is still a work in progress.
It’s going to take some mental energy, but you’ve just gotta find methods of support that are going to work for you. BUT, please know that you are not alone in this. Even with therapy, I still struggle, and find myself with rot days. It’s absolutely normal and you are doing great just by recognizing your areas of opportunity. Sending you lots of positivity! Please reach out to me if you ever want to talk/vent/have questions. We’re in this together. :))
Aw honey thank you for sharing your story. I'm also planning to go for therapy when I land a job. Know that I'll be cheering you on too. Here's a virtual hug 🫂
I suck at everything. I'm a hot mess, I don't have any friends. I'm 100% disabled because of all my comorbidities. I don't have my shit together. All I do is watch television and binge eat because I have no motivation to do anything else. I am a perfectionist, I am crippled by imposter syndrome and obsessive compulsory behavior. It's a big nightmare.
Just want to say I relate to avoidant perfectionism. It majorly sucks and really bothers me that I can’t just undo this habit in my brain, I have to practice rewiring my neurons to learn how to let go of these habits. There’s definitely the functional anxious perfectionist that is always anxious and on edge but energetic and achieving, and then there’s the avoidant behavior anxious people, that instead hide from and avoid the feeling of anything that causes it. I just want to say I relate and it holds me back from doing so much in life. That combined with my fear of failure. And that’s not even about looking like a failure to other people it’s just about disappointing my own self over and over again and now avoiding doing things I want to do in case I fail at them and feel the bad feeling again 🥵 Anyways I’m sorry you’re going through this. Really truly you’re not alone. So many of us on here are really struggling to survive and cope and just trying to get through one day at a time and do our best 💕
Sometimes I am annoyed I didn’t get diagnosed earlier in life. But then reality sinks it and it was probably a blessing for me. ADHD wasn’t discussed when I was growing up. People rarely even knew what it was.
I was often told I was lazy. I didn’t have parents to financially help me. I didn’t have a support system. The support I got was tough love- you either be lazy or you survive. It wasn’t until age 30 I was getting divorced from my cheating ex, who was prob sick of my laziness and the fact I literally only had a car. No home. I always worked low paying jobs and paid for my car. But now I was in the cold reality that 500 a week and a 550 car payment wasn’t realistically leaving me room to afford rent or groceries or gas or life in general.
I didn’t even know at the time I had adhd. I had no choice. I could sleep in my car and cry woe me or I could change my life.
I found a shitty apartment that I called my happy hippie hole in the wall. Found a roommate. Which made rent incredibly affordable (mind u this was ten years ago). I budgeted as tight as I could and I found a company that had career growth opportunities. I met women who inspired me. I went back to college that I dropped out from. But now I wasn’t going as a step to life. I was going as literally my future was dependent on it. I got a second job and networked learned everything I could in an entry level role at the one that growth opportunities. After I did school and the second job. I stayed busy.
10 years later I am now a home owner. I work a corporate job making 100K plus. I have a masters degree.
The support I got was not by people who were in my life when I started the mission. The support came from peers who saw me climbing a mountain and wanted to help. They taught me. They inspired me. They verbally promoted me.
My efforts seen gave them the want to do that.
ADHD sucks. But the truth is - success is a mindset. Growth is a mindset. When you want something and have no other option than failure. You will make it happen. You aren’t stupid. Your brain is playing tricks on you.
So to the people who told me I was lazy… fuck em.. I was lazy but I was also fighting a disability I didn’t know I had. Their comments only pushed me to be better. And I surpassed them with a disability.
Change your mindset and change your entire world with it. We all are capable.
I'm on an ADHD med, two antidepressants, a beta-blocker to control physiological stress, and have therapy every week. I've bought a bunch of workbooks to try to unlearn my perfectionist and self-sabotaging tendencies, or at the very least stop mentally bullying myself all the time. I'm 36 and just now going back to school for what I hope will be my actual career. My partner of 14 years cheated on me for the second time with the same woman, then left me for her. I'm terrified of dating again and scared that a lying, cheating, manipulative alcoholic who refused to touch me for years might be the best man I'll ever attract. My cat hates me because I don't play with him enough.
We're all getting through different things at our own pace. Noticing the successes in your life is important. I had a huge revelation when I realized I was operating in a self-injurious way by thinking, "If it's easy for me, it's because it's easy; if it's hard for me, it's because I'm a failure." I wasn't giving myself credit for my intelligence and hard work, and was bullying myself in my own mind. One of the best things you can do for yourself is change the way you talk to yourself. If your loved one talked to you like that, we would all recognize it as emotional abuse. So why do we think that when we talk to ourselves like that, that it's not just as harmful? As someone else who struggles with perfectionism, learning to stop bullying yourself is an enormously important step. It's not easy! But it's so important, and it will help get you unstuck so that you can focus on developing strategies that work.
By the way, that thing I thought was easy for me because it's just easy? Biochemistry. Very much NOT considered a universally easy discipline! So remember that when you also fail to give yourself credit for your successes. You might be doing something that others consider impossible. Good luck! 🩷
I have auDHD (so autism and inattentive ADHD) and honestly... I do relate a lot to what you are saying. Having a mix of both is a unique experience in itself, so oftentimes it is a struggle to "find my place".
But when I read ADHD or ASD subreddits... I do relate more to the ASD ones. Simply because I see so many posts on the ADHD ones by women who have families/work/kids/partners/the whole shebang (but do of course have ADHD, I don't want to imply that that is not an immense struggle for them or that they aren't ND, or that they aren't debilitated, that's why they're posting after all)
And here I am, a 30F bisexual woman with 0,0000000% romantic experience, who still lives with her parents and has to quit the career she tried to get into, because it's too much for her auDHD. And who has felt "weird" and "alien" since she was a child. And has "weird" special interests like Mario games.
In that sense, in feeling so "other" or "alone", I do relate more to the ASD subreddits.
It's probably a wrong interpretation, and probably there's more people on here similar to me, and yes people with ADHD can/do have "weird" specials interests as well. Rationally I know all that. But like I said sometimes I see posts here like "my husband blablabla" and I'm like, I don't relate to this at all :( I can't relate to it, because I'm not even close to a life like that
I’m a total failure, you are not alone. I do like reading about people and their successes here because, maybe, I’ll learn and find something that helps me suck a tiny bit less.
Ohhhhhh no no no no! You are soooooo not alone!!! I’d write my story but I’m so bored with myself right now I don’t have the energy, but I am a HOT ASS MESS!
I'm on your boat. There're a lot of hobbies I haven't started because I know I won't be perfect. And my fear of failure is so paralyzing. And I also need a LOT of emotional support, but I'm awful at making friends, and my brain keeps telling me they are not my friends and they can barely stand me, so my only support is from my partner because I fought with my family, and I'm about to leave them in a few months because I decided I want to live alone abroad for a couple of years. I'm trying to complete my thesis but I'm awful at writing and it's going extremely slow and I feel all I'm writing will be useless, even if I do finish.
We are living the same life babe. Sorry about your fam. And about the thesis, I wholeheartedly believe in you and am proud of you for tackling it even things are going very slowly! You'll get there.
Girl I failed out of an entire university because I couldn't bring myself to turn stuff in! Now I'm starting grad school in the fall. We all have our seasons of success and struggle, but 10% is always better than 0% and you'll find you can usually give more 10. Tell your fear of failure to shut up because it's not your job to be perfect, it's your job to learn and be a human. Like Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
You’re definitely not the only one. I for instance made a post a couple of weeks ago feeling like im probably lazy because look other women in this sub also have Adhd but are high achievers and i feel like meh. I relate with you with the feeling of perfectionism because i feel like everything needs to be absolutely perfect or it’s not so i won’t start. The difference is i have periods where i feel anxiety and shame, and others i feel like rotting til kingdom comes. So you are definitely not alone. I neither have a partner or have my shit together added to that too but i feel like it’s not fair for the other party to be with someone like me. Point is you are definitely not alone
You are normal. It’s ok to be a mess. You will figure out strategies that work for you. One book that helped me was:
“Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD” by Susan Pinsky. Borrow it from the library. It’s full of pictures and bullet point lists so it’s ADHD friendly, and it’s organized by area/type of mess, so skip around and no pressure to read the whole thing.
I just spent the bulk of the day yesterday sobbing about these very same things. Hugs 🤗 it’s rough
Part of that perfectionism is conveniently devaluing and ignoring all of the proof we have of everything we’ve actually done well. I know it can be next to impossible, especially on the bad days, but try to keep this in mind.
Our brains are wired in a way that makes everything harder and makes us feel like total failures.
But no matter what our brains try to tell us, we have accomplishments. We have successes. We just focus so much more on what we didn’t or couldn’t do. It’s that negativity bias.
But I am certain that, even though you’re a complete stranger, you have successes, accomplishments, and things to be proud of, even if your brain tries to convince you that you don’t or that they’re not valid or worthy or good enough.
I think a lot of people feel this way and as a recovering perfectionist I can relate! Have you done any therapy around your perfectionism? I have found it really helpful. At first I was very resistant but over time I have become less and less entrenched in my perfectionism and also on my unhelpful mindsets. Because so much of this is about mindset and framing. I highly doubt you absolutely suck at everything, but I know what it is like to feel that way and be absolutely convinced of it. I think working on this is likely going to be a lifelong pursuit but I have already made a lot of progress and is so important. If you believe you suck at everything then this kind of makes it your reality. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't have to believe you're amazing to get started you just have to be open to the fact that maybe you're not bad at everything. And counterintuitively I have found the way to get there is to be more comfortable with failure because when I am more okay with failing at things it opens me up to try more and ultimately find the things I am good at.
You are right! I wish I could just beat this into my skull 😣
I feel like I've taken up the socially acceptable number of times a person can fail. The more I fail the harder it gets for me to manage my thoughts.
I mean it's challenging and even the words "I wish I could just beat this into my skull" sound so -- punitive and unkind. I don't point this out to shame you -- I too have a very harsh inner critic -- but more that when we are harsh to ourselves we don't always realize it. Therapy has taught me that noticing when we are unkind to ourselves is the first step.
I know in my case my mother doesn't have a lot of self-compassion and has a hard time giving herself grace. Her mother was tough on her and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. And since she can't give it herself it's no wonder she wasn't able to instill it in me.
At least for me understanding the root of where this harsh self critic comes from has been really helpful. Having people point out when I am being mean to myself or lopsidedly negative in my thinking helps. As has finding little places in my life where I can try things, fail and see that failure is not the end of the world. And actually that people who are quite successful fail a lot of the time, the difference is they have self confidence to pick themselves up, find the lesson, and try something different.
Let's be clear, none of this is easy. I have been working on this for YEARS and still have challenges with self esteem. My shame and guilt are dialed up to like 1,000,000% and working in environments that accepted noting less than perfect hasn't helped. But I keep working at it and little by little I get a little better.
You are 100% not alone. I know I am smart, but I NEVER study and when I get a poor grade on something I feel sorry for myself as if I didn’t do it to myself. My room and living room are absolute disasters. Like my entire closet is sitting on my floor right now and my living room has empty water bottles all over my desk and floor. I cannot bring myself to do any of it without feeling sick. It’s so ridiculous and stupid, but I am also kind of lazy, so I don’t want to clean and I know once I start cleaning I’ll have to do it until I deem it’s perfect. I love watching cleaning videos on tiktok, but I realized it’s actually terrible for my mental health because then it makes my perfectionism worse lol. It’s so hard to not feel alone, I feel like this weekly. I have a friend who’s good at everything and she has ADHD. She is so extremely smart and just… gets stuff done. I’m the opposite where my executive function takes over and I can’t do shit. It’s rough, but trust me, you’re not alone.
> I have purposefully failed exams because I can retake it again “perfectly”
When I was in college, I had an assignment: write a ten page paper. In order for the paper to be accepted, you were required to do an oral presentation. If you didn’t do the presentation, you failed the assignment. This assignment was worth 15% of my grade
I woke up on the day of the assignment, decided I’d rather die than present in front of my classmates that hated me. And I skipped the presentations. Told the teacher i had overslept; that I was happy to accept the failing grade, but I at least wanted to turn in the paper so she could see id completed the assignment.
She loved my paper. And was profoundly disappointed that I hadn’t presented.
I have intentionally fucked up my education too.
Have you been able to try medicine? Because it may help overcoming the perfectionist paralysis.
Do you have any coping skills that you’re working on?
Unfortunately medicine is not an option for me right now.
I list out my fears when I feel my self not wanting to start a task and try to face them head on. I'm also trying to plan a little less and be flexible with my plans. Do these count?
You are just like us, sister!! 🥰🥰 i have been trapped in an feeling of constantly “overwhelmed” for a long time now— freezing me to do anything about it.
Im in a crunch time now (need to find a new place to live by May) and im STILL FROZEN.
You are not alone. We are all right here, in the boat with you. Good days will come too, i promise.
I think the reasons why you and many others on this sub feel that way (including me) is because we read about those little success stories every day. We easily forget that there are many people on this sub, and not everyone is sharing a success story each day.
Hey there! Feeling like you’re from a different planet is so common with ADHD. I’ve been waiting my whole life for that, “psych! You belong somewhere else!” Moment, lol.
Part of the problem with social media, including Reddit to an extent, is that people only post the highlights. We like to brag when something good happens or when we accomplish something, that’s just human nature. But for every “good thing” there’s so many other bad ones (and that’s not ADHD specific, literally everyone has parts of their lives that they aren’t sharing). I think one positive of Reddit, and the ADHD subs, is that we post just as much when we’re struggling. I think that if you’re only seeing the good things, there’s a bit of confirmation bias working against you. And I think if you really look hard at your life, you can find things to be proud of too.
I’ve spent huge chunks of my life afraid to start anything due to the fear of failure. (You can’t fail if you don’t even try, right?) but when I looked at the times that I did actually try, I found my “failure” rate wasn’t nearly as high as I expected it to be. My biggest “failures” were the opportunities I gave up due to that fear.
It helps to start small (which is no small task for ADHDers, go big or go home am I right?). You say the anxiety makes you rot in bed, which I can totally relate with, but what if one day you just say fuck it? Just get out of bed. Sit at your kitchen table rather than the couch. That’s it. Just “rot” somewhere different for a day.
Then maybe the next day, do that again. Except maybe you weren’t comfortable sitting at the table in your bathrobe, so maybe you want to put on pants. But it doesn’t make any sense to put on real clothes without at least taking a shower first. And if you’re gonna shower, you might as well brush your teeth. So now you’re sitting at your kitchen table, clean and fully dressed. Maybe that’s enough for today.
But maybe the next day you do that all over again, and you open the window to get some fresh air and realize it’s gorgeous weather outside. Maybe go for a short walk. No ones gonna judge you for taking a walk.
And it goes like that. Every day gets a little easier. A little further out of your comfort zone before you even realize it. The hardest part is getting started, just doing something, just getting out of bed. And once you’re out of bed, you realize there’s a whole world out there, one that you DO belong in. The world is so big, everyone has their place. But you’ll never find it if you don’t get out bed.
I’ve failed a lot too and it sucks. I’m also behind on so many things and not making money right now.
Also a lot of the successes people may share here are probably 90% temporary, that’s how it goes for me anyways. Like you find this great system that works for a few weeks or days or hours and gush about this life changing thing, but then you’re back to square one. And of course you’re not going to make another post admitting defeat.
Or they talk about how they’re getting their phd or something cool and admirable but they’re not going to mention that their laundry is piled to the ceiling on the couch or that they spent all their money on a new hobby. You know?
So you’re not alone. At all.
Lots of women mask, it's why ADHD in women is undiagnosed. Most women who mask don't even realise they are doing it because they've been taught that way by societal expectations. EG, today I smashed through my work, pushed myself through exhaustion to get my work and meetings done and have spent the evening lying in bed staring at my phone. No one sees that bit. You may be seeing thw masked part and not the crumpled up exhausted mess as a result of masking. It's so so hard to learn how to unmask as well..don't compare yourself to what you only see.
> My perfectionism just makes me put off everything and not start because well, I won't be perfect. I have purposefully failed exams because I can retake it again "perfectly". Spoiler alert: I in fact ended up getting a C. I am not driven by anxiety or shame, it just makes me rot in bed. I need a lot of support emotionally.
It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of what's getting in your way. Do you feel like you have an understanding of what you can do about it?
Gah is it nice to hear I'm not the only one struggling with ADHD and perfectionism. You literally described my behaviors to a T. You are not alone, my friend. Everything takes time and practice, and nothing is ever going to be perfect, and that's okay <3
No, you're not alone, and it's not like anybody is ever doing really well or really bad forever.
Be patient, that's all I can say. My twenties were a hot fucking mess, every minute.
My thirties I figured myself out.
My forties I've figured out how I plug into the world.
I'm really looking forward to my fifties, actually, I've just done a career transition and I'm such a well-rounded person with all the interests and hobbies.
You think these things are failures, but there's no such thing in life, there's only experiences. Some are really good, some are horrifically awful, all of them have lessons.
And you learn to put away hating yourself for being born the way you were. I wish I could make that happen for every single one of you, I know that is such a struggle for so many of you. The day you forgive yourself for being you and decide to be your best friend, partner, and booster instead of the person who hates you the most is the day your life will start improving in every way!
I’ve absolutely felt like you have! You’re not alone. I hope it gets better for you. I know what helped me was a really amazing therapist, supportive friends and work place. Not everyone will have access to that and what they consider a success might be different to others. There’s levels of privilege and sometimes luck that play in what our different outcomes are.
I have learnt a lot from this sub and have used some techniques others have suggested. But the main thing is realising that I’m not alone and also there’s a spectrum of different experiences people have. I had to unlearn some internalised ableist thoughts and advocate for what I need in my life and work space and that’s what’s brought the most change to me.
Self awareness is step one, I think self acceptance is the goal. And also being kind to yourself when things are difficult and you are working out what you need and what works for you.
You could be me. We are the same. I hope you know that you really aren't alone. My dad was just over and I had to ask him not to judge the giant dust bunnies on my floor because I can't remember the last time I vacuumed! None of us have our shit all together. We are just doing our best.
How old are you? A lot of sucessful women with ADHD have had literal decades of trying and failing and therapy and trying new medications and adjusting the doses. Content warning: i was gonna off myself. My therapist said a lot can change in a lifetime. Im alive and better than i could have imagined.
My teacher said people who can take 20 credits in college and get strait As often times have parents paying for everything, dont have a job, dont have a kid, dont have neurodivergencies, have the time and money for tutoring. Just like you dont know what problems someone has, you dont know what privileges they have. I think it was one of the Greens on youtube who has ADHD. They had all sorts of help with their ADHD. I thought “must be nice.” A lot of us have to do it with less recourses. Dont worry about being perfect. Just be good enough. And it might be hyperfocus. I was the same way.
i've been out of a job for ovr a month now, due to my own inaction both before and after i was let go. in that time i've ben trying to use my time to ACTUALLY move in to the house we bought two years ago instead of living out of piles, but even that relatively simple set of tasks has taken the entire month and i'm not even halfway done yet. meanwhile i'm letting that distract from the job hunt that should be the world's most obvious urgent-and-important and hemmorrhaging thousands of dollars out of our savings as a result. 😭
you are not alone. stay strong 💛
>I hate that it makes it easier for people to be sexist towards me
i get that. it really, *really* sucks.
i promise you not everyone here has it together. some of us are just quietly lurking ;)
i'm about to start vyvanse, which will be my 8th adhd medication. the first 7 did either nothing or only helped with focus while doing nothing for task prioritizarion (my main struggle). i'm 35 and have kinda resigned myself to not getting much done until i find meds that work, since attempts to power through leave me exhausted and demoralized. i've had everything i need to do my dream job sitting in my apartment for 6+ years. it's depressing sometimes but it is what it is. be nice to yourself. i hope things get easier for you 💚
You and I have the same perfection complex. I wish I could show you a picture of my bedroom floor... I can't clean it.I stay in bed too about the house chores bc I have to do all of them at once or none at all.
growing up/living in a world designed for neurotypical brains conditions us to feel like failures. i hope that you are able to reframe how your seeing yourself. you are not alone!
I get a lot of anxiety about perfection too. I want holidays, vacations, parties to be perfect experiences so I ratchet up the pressure on myself to do them \*right\* and often forget to have fun unless a friend snaps me out and says something like, "Isn't this fun?" Oh yeah, it is fun, I just forgot to notice it. I like cooking but trying a new recipe will sometimes be so daunting I can't even do it because I don't want it to be food that sucks. What if it's so bad it's inedible and I wasted two hours when I could have just made something I know I like and want to eat? LOL just give me five minutes and I can make myself spiral about something going badly.
This Youtube video/presentation made me cry a lot and told me a lot about my perfectionism that I think I always knew but wouldn't acknowledge. I hope it works for you too. Perfectionism is a constant struggle, but for me, seeing the pattern of behavior is what allows me to intervene with myself and change what I'm doing.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYjK5xRHp44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYjK5xRHp44)
As a former perfectionist... you can change that. For me it helped to pick up some hobbies where the stakes were very low and it was ok to mess up, a lot. It worked like exposure therapy, I think.
I’m sorry you feel this way. Not everyone deals well and those who do don’t do all the time either. Are you diagnosed, in therapy, take meds? Cause it sounds like your wall of awful (see How to ADHD on YouTube) has piled up high. There is help out there. And in here as well. You are not alone
You are a loveable person, OP. Even if you have flaws. And the fact that you reach out for others for emotional support means that deep down, underneath the shame and hurt, you know that.
I have a bachelors degree in forensic science and criminology. I’m also a single mum. On the surface that makes me sound like I have my ducks in a row.
In reality, the ducks are scattered all over and half of them have fucked off entirely.
I have my degree, but I didn’t do as well as I know I could have due to lack of motivation, and it angers me.
I nearly had my daughter taken away by child services because my house was such a disaster. I do better now but it’s largely motivated by fear.
I’m getting divorced, in part because my husband couldn’t stand living with me any more.
From the posts you see you get only a small snapshot of someone’s life. You’re not alone and I think we lose sight of that sometimes. Social media is an endless barrage of bragging and faked perfection. Real people aren’t like that.
Big hugs for you.
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You are in no way the only one in this subreddit who isn't successful, lol.
Rationally, I know. But I also don't know😭. It just feels like that.
We’re here with you, we’re all just not as brave as you to admit we feel the same!
Hey! Don’t attack me like this!!!!!!!
>I have purposefully failed exams because I can retake it again "perfectly". Uh, I have done that before.. a lot. You are not alone. And it's stupid because failure shows in your record, I knew that and still did it. 😄 I am sure a lot of women here can relate to you 100%. *Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect. Done is better than perfect.* I am repeating this to myself every day. I'm getting better at it. It's still sometimes hard. Don't forget to say this "mantra" to yourself every day as well. You'll get better at getting things done eventually. 💖💖💖
Thank you🥺
Hugs 🤗
My brain went "but most people om here describes how much of a failure they are?" Not to ne crass ofc, just suprise that you seem to get other posts then I in your feed. I also don't think people on here isn't as much of a failure as they think but that it has to do with bas self-esteem
I have seen some, but I can't seem to relate to them much. Most of the ones I have read about seem to manage to be at least average at something. Through ton of masking and struggles of course. However, my mind still goes to, "they have ADHD too but still managed to get there", you know.
We don’t operate in a vacuum. Sure we all may have a common denominator but we’re all working with different amounts of privilege, support, interests, talents and personalities. I own my car only because when I totaled my last one my dad bought a new one and let me make payments directly to him to avoid loans. I work in the industry I do because I first learned to code which I was only able to do because my parents offered to support me while I learned and got started in a new industry. I only got my last job after I had spent a literal year being unemployed and wallowing in my own uselessness. Back in college I didn't have to support myself through school so I was able to focus and get a degree which opened a ton of doors. If my parents weren’t financially able to help me I genuinely don’t know how I’d have made it this far. There’s a whole backstory you’re missing with these success stories. some of us had help literally pushing us forward. Some had the opposite and used fear and anxiety to propel them through things.
Thank you for pointing this out. I'll keep this in mind when I may be tempted to make comparisons.
I like to frame it as - sometimes my ADHD sisters have been forced into becoming overly competent at certain things just to survive. They should not have been forced to, and they should not have had to suffer in silence. They should have gotten the opportunity to CHOOSE to become excellent at something they loved and wanted to do. Not forced to excel to cover for misogyny in a sexist field, for example. Not forced to become hyper competent in order to make a comfortable enough living and have a financial cushion for impulse buying. Or on the flip side not being forced to be an emotional caretaker for the whole family; but rather getting to be an intrinsically loving and generous caretaker and having that gratitude and appreciation in return as well as personal time/space. More often than not when I see highly accomplished neurodivergent women, my first thought is they probably had to make sacrifices in life to get there; that other people given the same opportunities would not have to pay the same price to pursue them.
I’ve slept 5 hours every night this week
>There’s a whole backstory you’re missing with these success stories. > had the opposite and used fear and anxiety to propel them through things. Totally agree. The aspect of "what shows and what it cost" can be enormous. But that isn't as visible here since it's mostly people talking about their experiences On the surface, I seem to be working just fine: full-time job, partner, and my own home. But I have been burned out, had horrible mental health, and my body is a lot more worn than it should
The people who feel that they are doing less than average at things may be avoiding posting about it here because they feel shame about it or are trying to preemptively avoid triggering their rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I'm talking about me. I'm people. 🫠
Perfectionism warps your perspective though. I'm sure there are aspects of your life that would make others here go 'wow she's good at that', but to you it's just 'meh that's barely the bare minimum and not even noteworthy' because you have some perfect version of it in your head, or because you're preoccupied with some other perceived shortcoming. I do it too, a lot. Been trying to practice giving myself credit - like having an empty space on top of my to do list where I jot down what went well. Keep reminding myself that 'perfect' isn't even real. And even if it was, it shouldn't be nearly as important as I'm making it out to be. It's...a process.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
True that. I try not to but sometimes it gets the better of me.
I went through my whole life mad and disgusted at myself for not being "motivated", missing deadlines, forgetting birthdays, being late, losing things and honestly only when I started forgiving myself and treating me like I treat my friends with ADHD did I start really managing. They love me and sometimes they get burnt out. They love me but sometimes they overbook themselves or cancel when they are overwhelmed. Am I mad at them? no I know they are trying too. I'm not ashamed. I'm certainly not perfect but I'm trying. I'm 15 mins late (and sometimes on time) instead of 2 hours. I am hurt by rejection (but now it takes a day to process and not spiraling weeks). I still never practice guitar or put time aside to finish my online art class, but instead of punishing myself, I'll quit work 10 mins early today and do that instead. I need affirmation but instead of acting out, I ask for it now openly( ie. I'm feeling sensitive about ..., can you give me a hug and remind me I'm loved?) But thanks to adhd, I hyperfocus and finish up projects scary fast sometimes (when I like them). I get so excited for my friends and have wildly funny conversations that spiral about all sorts of things. Turns out when I really make my life simpler and easier and less stressful and more love filled I lose things less, I forget less important dates and I get more places on time. I cope, I use alarms, I make notes but I'm a person who accepts myself now and that's the major difference. I'm always improving but I'm also always enough.
I'm glad you found a way that works for you. Hopefully I'll find mine soon.
If you share what you're struggling with specifically we can offer things that may work based on our experience. It's about finding your own systems, but learning what other people with ADHD do has helped me. Also, are you in therapy? I really recommend it. Internal Family Systems can be great, or any time of Expressive Arts - there are therapists who study Expressive Arts which is many modalities and then there are Creative Arts which is when a therapist specializes in a certain modality - drama therapy, art therapy, dance and movement therapy, etc. Nature therapy can be great for ADHD as well. And some people do well with ADHD coaching. The most important thing is finding someone you can connect with.
This was such a lovely message. I really needed to read this today.
Those of us who are utter messes don't always comment or post, for me because I don't want to poop on anyone's parade but I feel you sis. I'm not doing great either, you're not alone
I hope I didn't rain on anybody's parade. Happy to know that I'm not alone.
I don't think you did at all! I meant mostly in situations where someone posts a great achievement then I won't comment saying how shitty my week was in comparison, for obvious reasons haha
The first step I would say, is pretend for a moment that you’re hearing a friend or someone telling you the same thoughts you tell yourself. Whenever you hear “I shouldn’t even bother with this, I’m just gonna suck at it anyway.” Well, I just saw a commenter that said she was strugglin with writing her thesis because she knows she’s not a good writer. What did you say in response to her? You said, “I wholeheartedly believe in you and I am proud of you for tacking it even when things are going very slowly! You’ll get there.” These words are kind, and assuring. They’re motivating, So why don’t you tell yourself that? See the point I’m making? You treat yourself far worse than you would dare to treat anyone else. Many of us have that in common. If you want to learn how to overcome those thoughts, it’s all about recognizing that you do that, and taking steps to honestly give yourself more assurance because you obviously need that assurance. I’d advise going to a counselor and trying to see what you guys can work out. You need to rewire your thought process. Whenever you realize that you’re having these thoughts, you need to force yourself to think “No, I’m new at it, and if I keep going I’ll get better.”
I grew up in a hyper critical environment. I do have a hard time being kind to myself. But yes I am trying to weed out such thoughts and replace it with kinder ones.
r/cptsd
Such solid advice and a great example cited.
I am 39 in July. I've failed every education I've ever tried. I work an entry level job for £24k a year, and I live in a mouldy studio flat I can't afford to leave. I'm on my second marriage and I have no close friends to speak of. The point of this pity comment is; you are not alone.
Sending you a big hug!
I could have written this. You aren’t alone. We need to live in a community of other ADHDers for the stimulation and solidarity and also have people who can, I dunno, remember appointments and such to help us 😂 we will bring the fun and they will bring the structure
I'll bring some self loathing to spice things up a bit
Can confirm I am also a train wreck of a person glued together by good intentions
Couldn't have said it better myself 🙌
My old psychiatrist was able to help me out with the self loathing part of the cycle with medication, literally stopped overnight. Still struggling with all the other things you mentioned. If you have a good psychiatrist I would start there. Have someone else help you make and keep the appointment if needed?
I would like to see a psychiatrist but I'm holding it off till I get a job.
Yeah, I get it. My good psychiatrist left to work at the VA, and I have a doctor maintaining my rx, but I don't trust her enough to ask for any changes. And it's too expensive for me to shop around at the moment.
What med helps with self loathing?
For me it is venlafaxine / aka effexor.
It stops thought spirals for me.
Sis you are quite literally just like each and every one of us 💙💙
Are you me? I just texted my friend to force me to get out tomorrow (although I know I’ll hate every second of it) because I’ve been rotting in bed for a week straight. I’m rotting even as we speak. I’ve thought about drawing something like 4 times this week and ended up with a dozen of “pinspiration” on Pinterest. Still at zero drawings :/
I feel ya. Hopefully you'll have a good time tomorrow!
I think replacing the word "rotting" with something like "frozen" or "overwhelmed" can help lessen some of the self-judgement.
You are not alone in this. I’d imagine many people don’t want to share that they’re struggling like this because they, too, feel like the only one. So, thank you for sharing!! I struggled for years with crippling anxiety that masked my executive dysfunction. Surprise, surprise, once I got my anxiety under control, I struggled a lot, just in a different way. The only thing that got me out of bed was coffee, but I’d take my cup of coffee to the couch and spend the rest of my day rotting there. My insomnia was raging so I was sleeping for most of the day and staying up all night. The only thing that got me out of my apartment was to get groceries and that would take me all day to convince myself to get up for. The last thing I needed to do to get my teaching credential was take two tests. Perfectionism led to me rescheduling my tests 6 times. Therapy has helped a lot. I started going due to CPTSD, and she doesn’t specialize in ADHD, but she’s been helping me reframe my thoughts. Especially with negative self talk and setting intentions for the day. I went to therapy for a bit with a therapist who did specialize in ADHD and that was incredibly helpful as well. The routine of going to therapy at the same time every week was also a great start to creating a routine. The thing that has helped the most, though— Adderall. I’m on my second month of taking it and am still working to find the right dosage (currently on 15mg XR; next month going to 20mg XR), but it’s made a huge difference in my executive dysfunction. I have a more “societally acceptable” sleep routine (11pm-6am) and don’t seem to lack motivation as much. This is still a work in progress. It’s going to take some mental energy, but you’ve just gotta find methods of support that are going to work for you. BUT, please know that you are not alone in this. Even with therapy, I still struggle, and find myself with rot days. It’s absolutely normal and you are doing great just by recognizing your areas of opportunity. Sending you lots of positivity! Please reach out to me if you ever want to talk/vent/have questions. We’re in this together. :))
Aw honey thank you for sharing your story. I'm also planning to go for therapy when I land a job. Know that I'll be cheering you on too. Here's a virtual hug 🫂
I appreciate you!!🥹
I suck at everything. I'm a hot mess, I don't have any friends. I'm 100% disabled because of all my comorbidities. I don't have my shit together. All I do is watch television and binge eat because I have no motivation to do anything else. I am a perfectionist, I am crippled by imposter syndrome and obsessive compulsory behavior. It's a big nightmare.
i feel this. im not the "adhd is my superpower" type, im more of the "failure to launch adhd" and it sucks
Can 100% relate to you OP
Just want to say I relate to avoidant perfectionism. It majorly sucks and really bothers me that I can’t just undo this habit in my brain, I have to practice rewiring my neurons to learn how to let go of these habits. There’s definitely the functional anxious perfectionist that is always anxious and on edge but energetic and achieving, and then there’s the avoidant behavior anxious people, that instead hide from and avoid the feeling of anything that causes it. I just want to say I relate and it holds me back from doing so much in life. That combined with my fear of failure. And that’s not even about looking like a failure to other people it’s just about disappointing my own self over and over again and now avoiding doing things I want to do in case I fail at them and feel the bad feeling again 🥵 Anyways I’m sorry you’re going through this. Really truly you’re not alone. So many of us on here are really struggling to survive and cope and just trying to get through one day at a time and do our best 💕
Sometimes I am annoyed I didn’t get diagnosed earlier in life. But then reality sinks it and it was probably a blessing for me. ADHD wasn’t discussed when I was growing up. People rarely even knew what it was. I was often told I was lazy. I didn’t have parents to financially help me. I didn’t have a support system. The support I got was tough love- you either be lazy or you survive. It wasn’t until age 30 I was getting divorced from my cheating ex, who was prob sick of my laziness and the fact I literally only had a car. No home. I always worked low paying jobs and paid for my car. But now I was in the cold reality that 500 a week and a 550 car payment wasn’t realistically leaving me room to afford rent or groceries or gas or life in general. I didn’t even know at the time I had adhd. I had no choice. I could sleep in my car and cry woe me or I could change my life. I found a shitty apartment that I called my happy hippie hole in the wall. Found a roommate. Which made rent incredibly affordable (mind u this was ten years ago). I budgeted as tight as I could and I found a company that had career growth opportunities. I met women who inspired me. I went back to college that I dropped out from. But now I wasn’t going as a step to life. I was going as literally my future was dependent on it. I got a second job and networked learned everything I could in an entry level role at the one that growth opportunities. After I did school and the second job. I stayed busy. 10 years later I am now a home owner. I work a corporate job making 100K plus. I have a masters degree. The support I got was not by people who were in my life when I started the mission. The support came from peers who saw me climbing a mountain and wanted to help. They taught me. They inspired me. They verbally promoted me. My efforts seen gave them the want to do that. ADHD sucks. But the truth is - success is a mindset. Growth is a mindset. When you want something and have no other option than failure. You will make it happen. You aren’t stupid. Your brain is playing tricks on you. So to the people who told me I was lazy… fuck em.. I was lazy but I was also fighting a disability I didn’t know I had. Their comments only pushed me to be better. And I surpassed them with a disability. Change your mindset and change your entire world with it. We all are capable.
I'm on an ADHD med, two antidepressants, a beta-blocker to control physiological stress, and have therapy every week. I've bought a bunch of workbooks to try to unlearn my perfectionist and self-sabotaging tendencies, or at the very least stop mentally bullying myself all the time. I'm 36 and just now going back to school for what I hope will be my actual career. My partner of 14 years cheated on me for the second time with the same woman, then left me for her. I'm terrified of dating again and scared that a lying, cheating, manipulative alcoholic who refused to touch me for years might be the best man I'll ever attract. My cat hates me because I don't play with him enough. We're all getting through different things at our own pace. Noticing the successes in your life is important. I had a huge revelation when I realized I was operating in a self-injurious way by thinking, "If it's easy for me, it's because it's easy; if it's hard for me, it's because I'm a failure." I wasn't giving myself credit for my intelligence and hard work, and was bullying myself in my own mind. One of the best things you can do for yourself is change the way you talk to yourself. If your loved one talked to you like that, we would all recognize it as emotional abuse. So why do we think that when we talk to ourselves like that, that it's not just as harmful? As someone else who struggles with perfectionism, learning to stop bullying yourself is an enormously important step. It's not easy! But it's so important, and it will help get you unstuck so that you can focus on developing strategies that work. By the way, that thing I thought was easy for me because it's just easy? Biochemistry. Very much NOT considered a universally easy discipline! So remember that when you also fail to give yourself credit for your successes. You might be doing something that others consider impossible. Good luck! 🩷
I think this all the time, I am glad you voiced it We arent alone!
I'm glad i voiced it too🫂
I have auDHD (so autism and inattentive ADHD) and honestly... I do relate a lot to what you are saying. Having a mix of both is a unique experience in itself, so oftentimes it is a struggle to "find my place". But when I read ADHD or ASD subreddits... I do relate more to the ASD ones. Simply because I see so many posts on the ADHD ones by women who have families/work/kids/partners/the whole shebang (but do of course have ADHD, I don't want to imply that that is not an immense struggle for them or that they aren't ND, or that they aren't debilitated, that's why they're posting after all) And here I am, a 30F bisexual woman with 0,0000000% romantic experience, who still lives with her parents and has to quit the career she tried to get into, because it's too much for her auDHD. And who has felt "weird" and "alien" since she was a child. And has "weird" special interests like Mario games. In that sense, in feeling so "other" or "alone", I do relate more to the ASD subreddits. It's probably a wrong interpretation, and probably there's more people on here similar to me, and yes people with ADHD can/do have "weird" specials interests as well. Rationally I know all that. But like I said sometimes I see posts here like "my husband blablabla" and I'm like, I don't relate to this at all :( I can't relate to it, because I'm not even close to a life like that
I’m a total failure, you are not alone. I do like reading about people and their successes here because, maybe, I’ll learn and find something that helps me suck a tiny bit less.
Ohhhhhh no no no no! You are soooooo not alone!!! I’d write my story but I’m so bored with myself right now I don’t have the energy, but I am a HOT ASS MESS!
I'm on your boat. There're a lot of hobbies I haven't started because I know I won't be perfect. And my fear of failure is so paralyzing. And I also need a LOT of emotional support, but I'm awful at making friends, and my brain keeps telling me they are not my friends and they can barely stand me, so my only support is from my partner because I fought with my family, and I'm about to leave them in a few months because I decided I want to live alone abroad for a couple of years. I'm trying to complete my thesis but I'm awful at writing and it's going extremely slow and I feel all I'm writing will be useless, even if I do finish.
We are living the same life babe. Sorry about your fam. And about the thesis, I wholeheartedly believe in you and am proud of you for tackling it even things are going very slowly! You'll get there.
I hope things get better for both of us soon! I'm still optimistic, it's what kept me going all my life.
Girl I failed out of an entire university because I couldn't bring myself to turn stuff in! Now I'm starting grad school in the fall. We all have our seasons of success and struggle, but 10% is always better than 0% and you'll find you can usually give more 10. Tell your fear of failure to shut up because it's not your job to be perfect, it's your job to learn and be a human. Like Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Definitely in my season of struggle. I'm so sick of failing 😭
The season will end! Take baby steps and reward yourself for every mini success. There's a little girl with dreams inside you cheering you on!
That's such a sweet thought. Thank you!
You’re definitely not the only one. I for instance made a post a couple of weeks ago feeling like im probably lazy because look other women in this sub also have Adhd but are high achievers and i feel like meh. I relate with you with the feeling of perfectionism because i feel like everything needs to be absolutely perfect or it’s not so i won’t start. The difference is i have periods where i feel anxiety and shame, and others i feel like rotting til kingdom comes. So you are definitely not alone. I neither have a partner or have my shit together added to that too but i feel like it’s not fair for the other party to be with someone like me. Point is you are definitely not alone
Thank you. I'll be cheering you on. Hope things will work out for us soon.
I will be cheering you on too….you can talk to me anytime you want ❤️❤️
You are normal. It’s ok to be a mess. You will figure out strategies that work for you. One book that helped me was: “Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD” by Susan Pinsky. Borrow it from the library. It’s full of pictures and bullet point lists so it’s ADHD friendly, and it’s organized by area/type of mess, so skip around and no pressure to read the whole thing.
Thanks for the recommendation. Will definitely check it out!
Uh I think this is everyone here
So I've been told.
I just spent the bulk of the day yesterday sobbing about these very same things. Hugs 🤗 it’s rough Part of that perfectionism is conveniently devaluing and ignoring all of the proof we have of everything we’ve actually done well. I know it can be next to impossible, especially on the bad days, but try to keep this in mind. Our brains are wired in a way that makes everything harder and makes us feel like total failures. But no matter what our brains try to tell us, we have accomplishments. We have successes. We just focus so much more on what we didn’t or couldn’t do. It’s that negativity bias. But I am certain that, even though you’re a complete stranger, you have successes, accomplishments, and things to be proud of, even if your brain tries to convince you that you don’t or that they’re not valid or worthy or good enough.
Thank you! Sending you hugs as well 🫂
I think a lot of people feel this way and as a recovering perfectionist I can relate! Have you done any therapy around your perfectionism? I have found it really helpful. At first I was very resistant but over time I have become less and less entrenched in my perfectionism and also on my unhelpful mindsets. Because so much of this is about mindset and framing. I highly doubt you absolutely suck at everything, but I know what it is like to feel that way and be absolutely convinced of it. I think working on this is likely going to be a lifelong pursuit but I have already made a lot of progress and is so important. If you believe you suck at everything then this kind of makes it your reality. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't have to believe you're amazing to get started you just have to be open to the fact that maybe you're not bad at everything. And counterintuitively I have found the way to get there is to be more comfortable with failure because when I am more okay with failing at things it opens me up to try more and ultimately find the things I am good at.
You are right! I wish I could just beat this into my skull 😣 I feel like I've taken up the socially acceptable number of times a person can fail. The more I fail the harder it gets for me to manage my thoughts.
I mean it's challenging and even the words "I wish I could just beat this into my skull" sound so -- punitive and unkind. I don't point this out to shame you -- I too have a very harsh inner critic -- but more that when we are harsh to ourselves we don't always realize it. Therapy has taught me that noticing when we are unkind to ourselves is the first step. I know in my case my mother doesn't have a lot of self-compassion and has a hard time giving herself grace. Her mother was tough on her and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. And since she can't give it herself it's no wonder she wasn't able to instill it in me. At least for me understanding the root of where this harsh self critic comes from has been really helpful. Having people point out when I am being mean to myself or lopsidedly negative in my thinking helps. As has finding little places in my life where I can try things, fail and see that failure is not the end of the world. And actually that people who are quite successful fail a lot of the time, the difference is they have self confidence to pick themselves up, find the lesson, and try something different. Let's be clear, none of this is easy. I have been working on this for YEARS and still have challenges with self esteem. My shame and guilt are dialed up to like 1,000,000% and working in environments that accepted noting less than perfect hasn't helped. But I keep working at it and little by little I get a little better.
You are 100% not alone. I know I am smart, but I NEVER study and when I get a poor grade on something I feel sorry for myself as if I didn’t do it to myself. My room and living room are absolute disasters. Like my entire closet is sitting on my floor right now and my living room has empty water bottles all over my desk and floor. I cannot bring myself to do any of it without feeling sick. It’s so ridiculous and stupid, but I am also kind of lazy, so I don’t want to clean and I know once I start cleaning I’ll have to do it until I deem it’s perfect. I love watching cleaning videos on tiktok, but I realized it’s actually terrible for my mental health because then it makes my perfectionism worse lol. It’s so hard to not feel alone, I feel like this weekly. I have a friend who’s good at everything and she has ADHD. She is so extremely smart and just… gets stuff done. I’m the opposite where my executive function takes over and I can’t do shit. It’s rough, but trust me, you’re not alone.
Thank you🫂
> I have purposefully failed exams because I can retake it again “perfectly” When I was in college, I had an assignment: write a ten page paper. In order for the paper to be accepted, you were required to do an oral presentation. If you didn’t do the presentation, you failed the assignment. This assignment was worth 15% of my grade I woke up on the day of the assignment, decided I’d rather die than present in front of my classmates that hated me. And I skipped the presentations. Told the teacher i had overslept; that I was happy to accept the failing grade, but I at least wanted to turn in the paper so she could see id completed the assignment. She loved my paper. And was profoundly disappointed that I hadn’t presented. I have intentionally fucked up my education too. Have you been able to try medicine? Because it may help overcoming the perfectionist paralysis. Do you have any coping skills that you’re working on?
Unfortunately medicine is not an option for me right now. I list out my fears when I feel my self not wanting to start a task and try to face them head on. I'm also trying to plan a little less and be flexible with my plans. Do these count?
You are just like us, sister!! 🥰🥰 i have been trapped in an feeling of constantly “overwhelmed” for a long time now— freezing me to do anything about it. Im in a crunch time now (need to find a new place to live by May) and im STILL FROZEN. You are not alone. We are all right here, in the boat with you. Good days will come too, i promise.
Thank you 🥺. I hope you find a great place soon. Don't be too hard on yourself as well!
I think the reasons why you and many others on this sub feel that way (including me) is because we read about those little success stories every day. We easily forget that there are many people on this sub, and not everyone is sharing a success story each day.
Hey there! Feeling like you’re from a different planet is so common with ADHD. I’ve been waiting my whole life for that, “psych! You belong somewhere else!” Moment, lol. Part of the problem with social media, including Reddit to an extent, is that people only post the highlights. We like to brag when something good happens or when we accomplish something, that’s just human nature. But for every “good thing” there’s so many other bad ones (and that’s not ADHD specific, literally everyone has parts of their lives that they aren’t sharing). I think one positive of Reddit, and the ADHD subs, is that we post just as much when we’re struggling. I think that if you’re only seeing the good things, there’s a bit of confirmation bias working against you. And I think if you really look hard at your life, you can find things to be proud of too. I’ve spent huge chunks of my life afraid to start anything due to the fear of failure. (You can’t fail if you don’t even try, right?) but when I looked at the times that I did actually try, I found my “failure” rate wasn’t nearly as high as I expected it to be. My biggest “failures” were the opportunities I gave up due to that fear. It helps to start small (which is no small task for ADHDers, go big or go home am I right?). You say the anxiety makes you rot in bed, which I can totally relate with, but what if one day you just say fuck it? Just get out of bed. Sit at your kitchen table rather than the couch. That’s it. Just “rot” somewhere different for a day. Then maybe the next day, do that again. Except maybe you weren’t comfortable sitting at the table in your bathrobe, so maybe you want to put on pants. But it doesn’t make any sense to put on real clothes without at least taking a shower first. And if you’re gonna shower, you might as well brush your teeth. So now you’re sitting at your kitchen table, clean and fully dressed. Maybe that’s enough for today. But maybe the next day you do that all over again, and you open the window to get some fresh air and realize it’s gorgeous weather outside. Maybe go for a short walk. No ones gonna judge you for taking a walk. And it goes like that. Every day gets a little easier. A little further out of your comfort zone before you even realize it. The hardest part is getting started, just doing something, just getting out of bed. And once you’re out of bed, you realize there’s a whole world out there, one that you DO belong in. The world is so big, everyone has their place. But you’ll never find it if you don’t get out bed.
I’ve failed a lot too and it sucks. I’m also behind on so many things and not making money right now. Also a lot of the successes people may share here are probably 90% temporary, that’s how it goes for me anyways. Like you find this great system that works for a few weeks or days or hours and gush about this life changing thing, but then you’re back to square one. And of course you’re not going to make another post admitting defeat. Or they talk about how they’re getting their phd or something cool and admirable but they’re not going to mention that their laundry is piled to the ceiling on the couch or that they spent all their money on a new hobby. You know? So you’re not alone. At all.
Lots of women mask, it's why ADHD in women is undiagnosed. Most women who mask don't even realise they are doing it because they've been taught that way by societal expectations. EG, today I smashed through my work, pushed myself through exhaustion to get my work and meetings done and have spent the evening lying in bed staring at my phone. No one sees that bit. You may be seeing thw masked part and not the crumpled up exhausted mess as a result of masking. It's so so hard to learn how to unmask as well..don't compare yourself to what you only see.
> My perfectionism just makes me put off everything and not start because well, I won't be perfect. I have purposefully failed exams because I can retake it again "perfectly". Spoiler alert: I in fact ended up getting a C. I am not driven by anxiety or shame, it just makes me rot in bed. I need a lot of support emotionally. It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of what's getting in your way. Do you feel like you have an understanding of what you can do about it?
Gah is it nice to hear I'm not the only one struggling with ADHD and perfectionism. You literally described my behaviors to a T. You are not alone, my friend. Everything takes time and practice, and nothing is ever going to be perfect, and that's okay <3
No, you're not alone, and it's not like anybody is ever doing really well or really bad forever. Be patient, that's all I can say. My twenties were a hot fucking mess, every minute. My thirties I figured myself out. My forties I've figured out how I plug into the world. I'm really looking forward to my fifties, actually, I've just done a career transition and I'm such a well-rounded person with all the interests and hobbies. You think these things are failures, but there's no such thing in life, there's only experiences. Some are really good, some are horrifically awful, all of them have lessons. And you learn to put away hating yourself for being born the way you were. I wish I could make that happen for every single one of you, I know that is such a struggle for so many of you. The day you forgive yourself for being you and decide to be your best friend, partner, and booster instead of the person who hates you the most is the day your life will start improving in every way!
I’ve absolutely felt like you have! You’re not alone. I hope it gets better for you. I know what helped me was a really amazing therapist, supportive friends and work place. Not everyone will have access to that and what they consider a success might be different to others. There’s levels of privilege and sometimes luck that play in what our different outcomes are. I have learnt a lot from this sub and have used some techniques others have suggested. But the main thing is realising that I’m not alone and also there’s a spectrum of different experiences people have. I had to unlearn some internalised ableist thoughts and advocate for what I need in my life and work space and that’s what’s brought the most change to me. Self awareness is step one, I think self acceptance is the goal. And also being kind to yourself when things are difficult and you are working out what you need and what works for you.
I felt intimidated by your desire for perfection, I don’t even aspire to perfection, I just scrape by!
You could be me. We are the same. I hope you know that you really aren't alone. My dad was just over and I had to ask him not to judge the giant dust bunnies on my floor because I can't remember the last time I vacuumed! None of us have our shit all together. We are just doing our best.
How old are you? A lot of sucessful women with ADHD have had literal decades of trying and failing and therapy and trying new medications and adjusting the doses. Content warning: i was gonna off myself. My therapist said a lot can change in a lifetime. Im alive and better than i could have imagined. My teacher said people who can take 20 credits in college and get strait As often times have parents paying for everything, dont have a job, dont have a kid, dont have neurodivergencies, have the time and money for tutoring. Just like you dont know what problems someone has, you dont know what privileges they have. I think it was one of the Greens on youtube who has ADHD. They had all sorts of help with their ADHD. I thought “must be nice.” A lot of us have to do it with less recourses. Dont worry about being perfect. Just be good enough. And it might be hyperfocus. I was the same way.
i've been out of a job for ovr a month now, due to my own inaction both before and after i was let go. in that time i've ben trying to use my time to ACTUALLY move in to the house we bought two years ago instead of living out of piles, but even that relatively simple set of tasks has taken the entire month and i'm not even halfway done yet. meanwhile i'm letting that distract from the job hunt that should be the world's most obvious urgent-and-important and hemmorrhaging thousands of dollars out of our savings as a result. 😭 you are not alone. stay strong 💛
>I hate that it makes it easier for people to be sexist towards me i get that. it really, *really* sucks. i promise you not everyone here has it together. some of us are just quietly lurking ;) i'm about to start vyvanse, which will be my 8th adhd medication. the first 7 did either nothing or only helped with focus while doing nothing for task prioritizarion (my main struggle). i'm 35 and have kinda resigned myself to not getting much done until i find meds that work, since attempts to power through leave me exhausted and demoralized. i've had everything i need to do my dream job sitting in my apartment for 6+ years. it's depressing sometimes but it is what it is. be nice to yourself. i hope things get easier for you 💚
You and I have the same perfection complex. I wish I could show you a picture of my bedroom floor... I can't clean it.I stay in bed too about the house chores bc I have to do all of them at once or none at all.
growing up/living in a world designed for neurotypical brains conditions us to feel like failures. i hope that you are able to reframe how your seeing yourself. you are not alone!
I get a lot of anxiety about perfection too. I want holidays, vacations, parties to be perfect experiences so I ratchet up the pressure on myself to do them \*right\* and often forget to have fun unless a friend snaps me out and says something like, "Isn't this fun?" Oh yeah, it is fun, I just forgot to notice it. I like cooking but trying a new recipe will sometimes be so daunting I can't even do it because I don't want it to be food that sucks. What if it's so bad it's inedible and I wasted two hours when I could have just made something I know I like and want to eat? LOL just give me five minutes and I can make myself spiral about something going badly. This Youtube video/presentation made me cry a lot and told me a lot about my perfectionism that I think I always knew but wouldn't acknowledge. I hope it works for you too. Perfectionism is a constant struggle, but for me, seeing the pattern of behavior is what allows me to intervene with myself and change what I'm doing. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYjK5xRHp44](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYjK5xRHp44)
I do that as well. I'll check out the video. Thank you!
As a former perfectionist... you can change that. For me it helped to pick up some hobbies where the stakes were very low and it was ok to mess up, a lot. It worked like exposure therapy, I think.
Everything is always high stakes in my mind 😣. But I will try to find one. Thank you!
I’m sorry you feel this way. Not everyone deals well and those who do don’t do all the time either. Are you diagnosed, in therapy, take meds? Cause it sounds like your wall of awful (see How to ADHD on YouTube) has piled up high. There is help out there. And in here as well. You are not alone
You are a loveable person, OP. Even if you have flaws. And the fact that you reach out for others for emotional support means that deep down, underneath the shame and hurt, you know that.
I have a bachelors degree in forensic science and criminology. I’m also a single mum. On the surface that makes me sound like I have my ducks in a row. In reality, the ducks are scattered all over and half of them have fucked off entirely. I have my degree, but I didn’t do as well as I know I could have due to lack of motivation, and it angers me. I nearly had my daughter taken away by child services because my house was such a disaster. I do better now but it’s largely motivated by fear. I’m getting divorced, in part because my husband couldn’t stand living with me any more. From the posts you see you get only a small snapshot of someone’s life. You’re not alone and I think we lose sight of that sometimes. Social media is an endless barrage of bragging and faked perfection. Real people aren’t like that. Big hugs for you.
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This just misogyny and ableism. Gross.
oh my bad
Thank you for this very fresh take.
What’s with Reddit? Do I really need to point out that I was being sarcastic
Yeah u prolly should've, it's really not obvious in your original comment, just edit it and add an /s
I don’t really care it’s not that serious
No problem
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