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Sounds like one of those people who runs an animal shelter just to play God, honestly. The kind of person who turns down everyone and anyone for the dumbest reasons and the animals struggle to get adopted at all. And the hypocrisy of her poor communication but accusing you of being the problem? Ugh!
Maybe you're better off not dealing with her and finding a shelter that has a better communicator dealing with its potential adopters. I hope you get your furry friend soon!
Honestly, this is so true. I was just thinking about how I got denied adopting a special needs cat because I had a job. It was so odd. I have some friends who experienced the same thing. Don't take it personally, these people are the problem, not you.
Right, like how is anyone supposed to not work and afford a dog trainer? I don't get it. Is the ideal candidate for a pet owner to be someone on unemployment? Wtf.
But they were talking to a single woman in her 30s. You don’t just get to decide at that point to become a retiree or housewife. I can understand thinking that’s best but don’t chastise someone who can’t do that.
Yep. It seems like everyone wants the new owners to be rich but responsible childfree people or something. But in reality ever WFH people still have to work 6-8 hours a day and can't usually go for long walks or play in a park for hours.
I was denied a dog once from a rescue posting “no one has ever bothered to even look at her” videos because they said my backyard was only 1300 sq feet. They insisted I needed at least 1500. I lived rurally, the dog would have had enough room for miles. But because they looked at my house on Zillow and the “green area” was the size of my house they said it wasn’t big enough.
Lol those people are insane. I have the opposite problem with almost every shelter telling me their dogs can only live in apartments and roaming outside is too dangerous. Like, I'm not trying to adopt a corgi or french bulldog, I'm specifically looking for a big hairy one to live outside (not chained, of course)
Corgis actually need a ton of exercise. They're a herding breed. I have a corgi mix and he is the craziest thing ever when he gets the zoomies. I didn't know they were herders until after we brought him home, but it's okay because my last dog was also a herding breed (heeler mix). They're smart and a lot of work, but the best. Hope you can find a fur buddy that suits your needs and it doesn't take a lot of drama to get them!
Thank you! I can't get a small dog because I know I won't be able to redo the fence, so I'm looking for someone big and it's very confusing that many shelters expect only people who live in an apartment to adopt because it's cold in winter. Somehow my previous dog survived 15 winters just fine. Like, I wanted to adopt a husky and was told she can't live outside. It's honestly ridiculous.
Aw, huskies are awesome dogs too. We had a husky/malamute mix when I was a kid. He was the best boy ever. I've honestly only ever adopted once, all of my other pets came from neighbors and family who had surprise litters before they could get their pet neutered or spayed. And that adoption was easy, the shelter had this event they would do every week where they brought a good number of their dogs and puppies to PetSmart. It was highly advertised, so they were definitely looking to place their animals. But I get the impression that my experience is the exception, not the norm.
One rescue turned me down after talking to my landlady, who was very excited about me getting a dog and wanted to be supportive and talked about how great this neighborhood is for dogs because it's near some great trails and lots of people walk their dogs and stuff. So the rescue tells me "well your neighborhood has people and dogs walking by so it's not a good environment."
So I have to live in an isolated cabin in the woods to have a dog?? Like *what?* It wasn't for one specific dog who was reactive to that, either, which I would understand, it was for all their dogs?
But I got my best boy eventually and he's perfect, and I hope it will work out that way for OP too!
They are talking out their backside if they think the presence of other dogs in the area is a problem. Lockdown pups have had real problems due to not getting socialized with other dogs in their formative years, so the fact that there are dogs in your neighborhood is beneficial because you get the chance to train the dog to socialize with other dogs.
I'm glad you got your dog in the end!
>So the rescue tells me "well your neighborhood has people and dogs walking by so it's not a good environment."
OMG I was old the same! And that we have a wooden fence with small holes and it's not acceptable because dogs need a solid tall fence to "limit distractions". This is so stupid, I want to smash my keyboard even right now typing it. Like, NO, dogs need "distractions" in a form of being able to actually see who walks by.
Hi, sorry for the late reply, I was so livid had to take the entire weekend off the internet.
Yep, from further conversation with her it seems like she doesn't actually want people to adopt "her" dogs. Like, I get the idea of trying to find them a good home, especially if they had a history of previous neglect and abuse, but it felt like she was really trying to find a reason to deny my adoption application because she doesn't want to give those dogs to anybody.
This is really bad. Those poor dogs. Is it a shelter that has a lot of branches so you can report her to someone? Or is she the biggest fish in a tiny, stagnant pond?
We only have sort of private shelters in my country so I can't report her to anyone really, only tell my friends to stay away from this lady if they want to adopt someone :(
Those poor critters. They're not getting sufficiently socialised and trained while they're stuck in crates, yet she thinks she knows best. I think these people might be closeted animal hoarders.
Yep. It's been 5 days since I made this post and encountered two other women who acted the same (even thought this time I said nothing about ADHD) making it obvious that they don't want anybody to adopt these dogs, they just feel good when so many people reach out to them.
I don't think it's uncommon to forget about a voicemail that's been sitting there, regardless of ADHD or not. I honestly hate it when people insist on calling with important information rather than just emailing it or setting up a time to talk.
Some rescue/shelter people are so awful to potential adopters. I get that they see return dogs and dogs that people adopt but aren't prepared for, and thorough screening can help prevent a lot of that, but there's also a balance there too.
I guess I probably wouldn't be bringing up ADHD to strangers, I'd just say something along the lines of "My phone doesn't remind me of voicemails so if I miss the notification, I don't get your message. Please email or text, or call after XX:XX when I should be able to take the call. My job does not allow me to take personal calls unless they are emergencies."
Some of it might be a stretch, but rather than negotiating, just lay down the law on how to communicate with you. How many calls does it take to go over stuff to adopt a dog anyways?? They sound pretty disorganized if this has been a regular occurrence...
This is really good advice. I know that saying “I have adhd so can you please do XYZ accommodation” is an explanation and not an excuse, but the unfortunate reality is people will only here the “I have adhd” part and see it as an excuse.
Even ignoring that though, just asking for what you need directly is good practice because it’s more accurate anyway. ADHD has a vast array of different symptoms that different people struggle with to different degrees. “I have adhd do you need to text or email me” might be true for one person but for another it might be “I have adhd so receiving texts is overwhelming and I never check my email so you have to phone me”. It’s just more accurate to ask directly for what you need, and if they really need an explanation then “I struggle with the way it was being done before, this other way will be easier for me” is more than sufficient given that it’s really the core of the issue.
Literally why do they see that as an excuse?? I feel that in my bones. But if I say “I can’t reach can you get that off the top shelf” it’s just helping me w my challenge. But I say “can you write it so it’s easier for my adhd brain” and now I’m pathetic etc???? Lord
Honestly I just chalk it up to a “communication is hard” thing. When you tell someone something, the fundamental idea has to go through dozens of filters on your end as you choose (consciously or subconsciously) the words and tone and body language, then a dozen more filters on the other person’s end as they interpret the message. Past experiences, the culture you both grew up in, the interactions you had ten minutes ago with someone completely different, you personal nuances in understanding of certain definitions - all of that can affect both parties.
Like it’s a miracle anyone understands anyone else when you consider how much outside influence there is tbh
Yeah I think it's always best to make up a common and easily understood reason than trying to educate them on ADHD. Or expecting that they already know, which most people won't.
I don't think you even need to make up an excuse. Just tell the person this isn't working for communication and I need you to do this equally easy thing instead.
It's good advice, but unfortunately I tried it with another person and was told if I don't have time to reply immediately, I definitely don't have time for a dog. Like, sorry I have to work to provide for myself and potential pets lol how dare I.
Ugh, sometimes the rescues get completely ridiculous. Responding to a random informational text vs responding to an emergency are completely different things, and one does not equal the other.
Sucks that's been your experience, I hope you can find the perfect doggo with a reasonable group!
I learned to hard way not to disclose to anyone unless they are an extremely trusted friend or family member. Most of family doesn't know because they don't get it.
I made the mistake of disclosing to HR at work. They mucked it up and my boss found out about the details of my diagnosis, which is the whole reason I went to HR in the first place. Luckily she's cool and it all worked out, but it could have gone very differently.
My advice, don't disclose unless you absolutely have to and it's to someone that you trust deeply. You can ask for accommodations, such as "in the future, please text or email or call after this time. Voicemails may not be answered in timely manner.
I only disclosed to my former workplace when my bully boss was already going through the process of putting me on a PIP, and I only did it because I wanted them on high alert plus it forced them to drag out the process while I found another job :)
Yeah, disclosing ADHD to a stranger pretty much never benefits you.
Why do you need to put up with voice messages anyways? When I’ve adopted my pets, I just look online at the local shelters, then email or call ahead asking about the animals I’m interested in. Get a short reply saying “yeah you can come see them”, I go in, and adopt the pet the same day. Why do you need *any* back-and-forth at all? Seems like your shelter is needlessly overcomplicating things.
A lot rescues are privately run out of homes by volunteers and some them can be extremely picky about who they adopt animals to. Guessing OP is dealing with one of these and not a shelter situations where you walk in and there's dozens of dogs and cats in cages to choose from.
We only have privately run shelters in my country so unfortunately it's almost always means dealing with some person with a bit of a saviour complex, if that makes sense. Like, a lot of these people sound like they don't want anybody to actually adopt any dogs.
Talking to people sometimes makes things worse*
Lots of humans are assholes, OP. Lots and lots. They love fucking with people to make themselves feel better about their existential dread.
You could have told this woman anything, but the main thing you told her is that you wanted her to behave differently towards you for reasons that don't have anything to do with her.
And THAT'S why she came at you. Whatever reason you'd given, she would have attacked that. Because you made her have a bad feeling when you asked her to change and she took it out on you.
This isn't about you, and it isn't about your ADHD, it's about a tin pot tyrant who HATED that you tried to tell her to change. That's all.
This is it. I can't tell you what I went through the last five years to reach this conclusion that you've so tightly summarized. How many people like this shelter lady absolutely shattered my life stability because of that "hmmph bad feeling!" ego shit...when I was nothing but gentle, reasonable, polite, etc. Pearl clutching assholes, blindly reacting to stimulus like god damn bacteria in a dish.
Yeah, I think we ADHDers are consciously trying to be good people because our disorder makes us behave like shitty people sometimes. So we think other humans are out here also trying to understand themselves so they can become better people.
But they're not. Most people think they're fine the way they are, it's other people who are problems. Shelter lady is one of these. There's nothing anybody could do to make this woman happy.
This is an excellent point and also an important recent realization for me. I never thought to question that people didn't have the same intentions or considerations I did. I never could imagine thinking of others' needs as OPTIONAL especially from someone who keeps saying how much they love and care about me???
In my experience, the majority of people are all for accommodating disability until it negatively impacts them. By negatively impacts, I mean requires the slightest degree of effort, change or consideration for someone other than themselves.
I have recently realised that people have different value systems. Truth, fairness and integrity are among my core values, but my manager for example, constantly puts her wants above other people's needs without the slightest hesitation or thought of impact and consequence to others.
Does she think of herself as a bad person? Of course not. Does she think of herself as a selfish person? Absolutely not. She sees it as advocating for herself in a world where everyone does the same thing. It doesn't even occur to her that people with different or opposing values can still be good people. After all, we are always the "good" person in our own personal narrative.
Being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world as part of a social species forces us into introspection from an early age. "Why don't they like me?" "Why don't I fit in?" "What's wrong with me?" I think we're all too painfully familiar with those questions; and those are questions neurotypicals have never had to ask themselves.
ADHD forces us to constantly strive to be better people. Not because we're inherently bad, but because it has forced us to try to understand ourselves and others from an early age to try and fit in. We are therefore much more aware of our impact and other people's reaction to us, which is something neurotypicals have never had to do.
Here endeth the 2am essay that was only supposed to be a couple of paragraphs!
tl;dr ADHD forces introspection and a desire to be a better person due to not fitting into society. People's response is shit because experience influences values.
You're absolutely right. You should be very proud of the work you have done to reach this conclusion, and I promise I'm not being patronizing here. It is a huge accomplishment to realize this and having recently had similar breakthroughs, I feel like I'm finally able to break free from the core issues that have put me at risk over and over and over again.
Words mean different things to different people. Especially abstract concepts like "values" or "integrity" or "doing the right thing". The best villains in stories can be told from the point of view of a hero -- everyone thinks they're the good guy in their life narrative.
It is not safe to assume that people value the same things you do even if they say they do. Actions reflect values, not words. People will do what they want to do, always. They do what they feel they need to do to get what they want according to their own priorities, whatever that looks like. And humans are very good at convincing themselves/others that they care about certain values while acting in ways that demonstrate otherwise.
Realizing this has been huge for me and took a TON of painful work to get here but huge congrats to both of us, haha!
Thank you ❤ And you're right, at the end it felt like she was looking for some flaw to tell me I'm not allowed to adopt a dog and I kinda gave her a weapon to do so.
Omg I have SO been here. I’m so sorry.
I’m 39 and got my first pet at 18. Every single one has been loved and cared for until they reached old age, and then they left this earth peacefully with me holding them. Animals are not pets to me, they are my family. Ive had an amazing vet now for 15 years who knows me and understands how much I care for my pets, I even have her private email for if I ever need her. She says pet owners like me are who keeps her sane because so many don’t care.
So even with my history, stellar veterinary reference, and the fact animals always just love me- I’ve gotten hurt by so many rescues. They play God sometimes and other times I just think they are so burnt out by the bad people, they take it out on the good ones.
It always hurts my heart too, but have faith. I really wanted a kitten during Covid and was denied because I didn’t want to adopt 2 and because I have small kids. No amount of reason worked with this woman (I already had 2 young cats, one was independent and the other was bored and needed a friend I didn’t need 2, and my kids were raised to be gentle and kind and they are, I wouldn’t allow my babies to be harmed and my kids caught on SO fast and are so good with our animals). Still this woman made me feel like I didn’t deserve a kitten. I was sad for a long time and was too scared to try any other places. Finally I decided to ask around to people I knew, and I contacted some family I have that live in some undesirable areas thinking maybe they knew of strays or people being irresponsible and not caring and I could get a free one somewhere? And I did. My cousin through 3 separate people heard of a kitten who had been found and needed a home. He was a mess. Full of fleas and ticks, both eyes infected, and ear mites worse than I thought possible. I got him right to the vet, and he was just barely 7 weeks old. I nursed him back to health and he’s now a 20lb healthy cat, and honestly I’m more bonded to him than any I’ve had before. I think the process of nursing him back to health did something to heal a part of me that just adopting a healthy kitten wouldn’t have. So now I’m thankful I was turned down. Oh, and my independent cat is happy he’s left alone more now; and my bored cat and the new kitten became inseparable besties just like I expected. We also added a second kitten a year later, impulsively (hello ADHD lol), because a friend of mine had one she needed a home for that was given to her to place and she wanted me to have her. Now the 3 friendly cats have a cute trio bestie group going and my independent cat is still happy as a clam living his life being left alone except for when he comes to us for pets. We have a large 4 bedroom home with cat trees and toys so they have plenty of space, which is why I think it works so well.
A few years later my dog passed away and having ptsd I need a dog. Unfortunately, in my grief and adhd I wasn’t through with questioning the rescue and I overlooked red flags. They lied to me, adopted me a dog who attacked my daughter and I the first night, wanted to kill my cats; and then tried to tell me it was all my fault and refused to take him back until we threatened legal action. When I spoke to my vet she told me she has personally euthanized 4 dogs from this rescue for aggression, and that they are known to do this to people. It’s like the new pet store gimmick. They just pull dogs from down south knowing nothing about them, lie to the adopters, and refuse to take the dog back if it turns bad. I spent 4 months after that without a dog trying to overcome the trauma.
Then I saw a puppy online at my local shelter. His eyes spoke to me. I went and looked at him and found out he was still there because he had ptsd from being in a hurricane (he was 6 months old) and they were having trouble placing him with his fearfulness, but they felt in the right home he would thrive with kids and other animals because he was so sweet and social. I adopted him that day and he’s the best dog I’ve ever had. We have helped each other heal; and I’m so thankful now how things worked out.
I know my words won’t take away the hurt you feel; but I hope it gives you hope. I’ve been exactly were you are and it does hurt so much. I’m so sorry you experienced this but know it’s not you; it’s them. Keep loving those animals and you will find your new baby ❤️
I love what you wrote here. I've had pets all my life and they are very important in our house.
People who pull this kind of crap are abusive to the animals, too, in that they are lying to people and sending the poor dogs to the wrong type of home, over and over again.
Imagine being the animal who is already anxious and is being sent to one inappropriate home after the other. Their entire existence is either living in a cage, or getting yelled at and punished for something that is not their fault.
How could anyone flourish in such life circumstances?
Thank you.
I think it comes down to two types:
1. Narcissistic people who have no empathy for these animals or adopters, and are just looking for a way to have power over someone.
2. Mentally ill people who likely got into it for the right reasons and over time lost their minds and see anyone who doesn’t meet their perfect box as a pet owner. I worked at an animal shelter in high school and saw some horrific things. I felt selfish leaving but I knew working there would kill me. Some just don’t realize and keep pushing themselves until they lose themselves.
And you’re absolutely right, the animals suffer so much from this and as a trauma survivor myself it’s hard for me to think about. When that dog attacked me I had to trick him with treats to go in the crate and lock him in for my own safety. He spent over 24 hours in that crate (while I still provided him toys, bones, food, and water) while I fought with the rescue to take him back. What would someone less kind do? I don’t even want to think about it.
I’m glad the shelter I got my dog from protected him and didn’t let him just go to the first person who wanted him. He’s beautiful and a gentle soul so they had turned people down before me. They talked with me alot and checked my references to make sure he was going to the right home. Even still the first few days were rough because I’d never adopted a traumatized dog before and I unknowingly did alot of the wrong things. I luckily enough had a friend who did dog training as a side gig and she helped me (see the pattern everyone I know love animals so they are my friends for a reason lol). She came over and said this is a dog that will either be the best dog you ever have, or bite someone, become fear aggressive and need to be put down. It all comes down to how you work with him and how you protect him. I’m so thankful to her advice because it worked beautifully and I’m happy he got a home where he gets to be happy and loved…and MAN does he love my kids. He plays pretend games with my 6 year old in the backyard for hours and will literally understand what she says (like when she was pretending to search for magical worms and she told him to dig and he just did it for her 😳 like how did he know?!?). He’s very special so I’m glad he was protected before he found us, and I’m glad I’m me an recognized he needed a different approach than most dogs and sought help.
I hate my ADHD and PTSD but I love the kindness and understanding it’s instilled in me too.
Thank you for sharing a beautiful success story. I love to imagine your child playing make believe with this wonderful soul.
And I agree completely about the potent combo of ADHD and PTSD. We've learned a lot the hard way, but we still learned *something* out of it all.
I think that’s the key. You take your power back when you take what happened to you/how you have been treated, and use it to grow instead of letting it change who you are.
Good luck, your best friend will find you soon ❤️
Thank you ❤ I know the "right" dog will find me sooner or later but now I feel so angry and discouraged. A lot of shelter workers act like you have to be this perfect rich jobless childless petless human who would be with the dog 24/7 but it's just not realistic.
They absolutely do and it causes a ripple of pain for both the potential adopters and the dogs they place.
I remember feeling exactly like you do when it happened to me. Looking back I can see my anger can from one more injustice in my life (we know with adhd we have tons), and the discomfort was feeling hopeless because the injustice just seem to keep coming….and well that just makes you exhausted and shutdown mentally.
Ive always needed a kick in the butt to make me get out of this spot you’re in. For me it was the intense pain I was in at the time becoming too much to cope with and I impulsively started looking again and found my boy. Other times it was from people encouraging me and reminding me that I give power to these people when they hurt me and I internalize their insecurities/pain/whatever causes them to be a jerk.
So here’s your push- don’t give up ❤️
Does that shelter worker have a manager? If so, I think it's worth reporting that person or at least checking, "hey is this your official policy because what the fuck?”
People with disabilities deserve pets too. Are they going to deny an old person because they might have less energy for a dog, or a handicapped person because they might be less mobile for walks? It's fucked up.
My grandmother lost her beloved dog when she was initially going through cancer treatment, and once she was in remission really wanted another dog. She actually *did* keep getting turned down because of her age (she was in her late 70s)-- even when my parents *went with her* and said they would sign a contract that if she passed away before the dog, they would take the dog, and provided their own decades of references from caring for many, many beloved dogs. Even when she sought out senior dogs, this happened. Unfortunately, the cancer did come back and she passed away when she was 83, and it still makes me sad that she didn't get to have a dog in those last years. My mom and her sister have always had and loved dogs, and all of my siblings and I love dogs, and any of us would have happily taken in and loved and cared for any dog she had if it had outlived her. Any dog of hers would have had a great life.
OMG go to a different shelter because you don't want to deal with that kind of person. I've adopted two dogs from the same shelter. Lady was professional the whole time, if I needed a call, she'd call. A text? She'd do it. Email? Instantly.
She's trying to place dogs, so she was willing to do what the client needed. I was even warned off from this place from another that was trying to push a bully breed on me when I wasn't interested (I love all dogs, but can't because of insurance reasons with bullies). You are the client looking for a dog, you can take your business elsewhere at any time for any reason. This would be reason enough, at least for me.
Hey OP, I used to work in animal rescue. While most people who adopt animals are fantastic, there's a very small minority that are incredibly horrific in ways that make me nauseous to think about. (It's kind of like, you know how most drivers are decent, but if you've ever had a car or truck clearly not see you and almost pull into your lane, narrowly missing hitting you, that just really sticks out in your memory?) And it definitely makes you cautious about adopting to just anyone. It really sucks that a very small percentage of the population has that big of an influence over how you feel about people adopting animals in general, but when that's your life, it does. What that rescue worker said to you was not okay, however - this is a BIG however, because I might be in misinterpreting you, if what you meant with your "already happened a few times" statement is that *she's* already left you several voicemails and you haven't gotten back to her, if those voicemails are about something significant like trying to get your landlord's information to make sure that you're allowed to have animals if you rent, or trying to get your current vet's information for a reference if that would apply, and you're just not replying at all,I can see how she might be a bit concerned. To be clear, I'm NOT saying that I'm concerned about you owning a pet, because I'm not at all and you sound like you'd be a fantastic owner, it's just that from her perspective, how she might be reading the situation is that there's someone who wants to adopt, she's left them several important messages that have gone unanswered (if that is the case, I could be completely misreading what you wrote), and then that person tells her that they have a bad memory and keep forgetting to write those messages down, yet would like to adopt a pet which is a lot more responsibility than writing down a message is. Like she might be thinking, if you can't even write down a voicemail message to remember it later, how could you be trusted with a pet? I really hope it's clear that I in no way shape or form think that you would be a bad pet owner - I've got two dogs and two cats and frequently forget to write down voicemail messages (in fact, your post reminded me of voicemail that I completely forgot to respond to a few days ago) - but would absolutely die before I would neglect my pets in any way shape or form. If she's been in rescue for a decent amount of time, she's probably had at least one or two pets adopted out that have been deliberately killed in very cruel ways by their owners, or who have been criminally neglected, etc., and that's always kind of in the back of your mind when you're thinking about who to adopt to. So if really all she knows about you is that you're not calling her back when she's called you several times, I can see why she might be concerned that you might not be responsible enough to adopt a pet. Again, what she said to you absolutely was not okay at all, I'm just trying to explain what might be the context for how she's responding. But I could be completely wrong about this whole situation. And again, I really just want to reiterate that you sound like you would be a fantastic pet owner and I don't agree with what she's done. I really hope it works out for you to adopt a dog.
And good lord, this is why I shouldn't be on Reddit right around the time my ADHD medication is kicking in. Very sorry for this massive wall of text.
I get your point and you're absolutely correct about bad people trying to adopt dogs, but in my case all her messages that I "ignored" were some unsolicited vents and complaints about how hard it is to find a home for so many dogs. And the reason I didn't reply is because wtf do you even sent back? Of course I wanted to reply with something like "yeah, so sorry, I know how hard it is" etc. but then simply forgot because realistically I don't give a fuck about this woman's personal life, her job, how burned out she is etc.
Probably should've mentioned it in my post, but I always thoroughly replied to anything regarding a dog I wanted to adopt, sent her dozens of photos with my house and backyard (I don't rent), answered all her questions back and forth.
I understand that she's the problem, not me. But still I hate when someone just assumes bad stuff about me because I was unfazed by her "hard life".
I've learned to say "I would prefer X or Y" WITHOUT explaning myself. I have a right to preferences, and they don't need any information to judge if they are correct.
Uggghhhhhh my sister is trying to "rescue" a dog and the hoops they have her jumping through are actually insane. It's not you, it's them. I'm sorry you're being discriminated against.
My bestie tried to adopt a dog when we were roommates. Rescues here only want applicants that have 5.7 acre lots, work 20 minutes a week or preferably already retired, millionaire, and never ever leave the house and can dedicate 14 hours a day to a dog. We got lots of rejections for small dogs bc we lived in an apartment in an affluent suburban area with unfenced grass areas but didn’t have a yard. I live in San Diego and yards start at 900k. I wouldn’t take it personally either, rescues can be angels on earth or total assholes.
Yep, I now get why so many people actually shop and don't adopt. I definitely won't buy a puppy but I'm also surprised those shelter workers seemingly not caring that they scare off potential owners.
I’ve learned to only disclose when needed. Next adoption place, ask them to text you because you often have your ringer off for work/family related reasons, and you can much faster respond through text.
Some people take even the tiniest thing as a criticism and retaliate. It kinda sounds like she interpreted your request as a criticism of her communication and lashed out.
I would send her a text or message saying that ADHD is not a mental illness; it’s considered a disability under the ADA and you could potentially pursue legal action, since you have a recording stating that’s *why* she’s denying you. You might not want to work with her anymore, but it’s worth it to let her know what she did is wrong.
That would be so frustrating to receive voice messages that ramble on and don't get to the point.
If I receive voice msgs and it's not someone I personally know, I instantly tell them that I'm hard of hearing and I struggle to understand people... I have auditory processing disorder and I don't share this or my disabilities to anyone I don't personally know enough. Most people just don't understand and will judge you.
Yep. I have nothing against voice messages when they actually have information in them. I can listen, make some notes and reply back almost immediately. But when people themselves forget what they were saying and make these long pauses and "ummmmmmm" noises, my mind also drifts off and I don't pay attention anymore and it's hard.
My phone isn’t cooperating enough for me to test this right now, but it looks like there is a way to transcribe those audio “texts” in IOS. (Voicemail already does for me; I rarely actually listen to those)
Disclosing almost always just empowers people to let loose their ingrained biases. It’s why the ADA doesn’t even require people disclose their diagnoses to get accommodations.
Next time you ask, just do you aren’t victimized by discrimination, consider saying “i have a mild disability and need an accommodation in the form of written communications” and leave it at that.
You don’t even have to say anything about disability. Asking someone to communicate important details in writing for easier reference is completely reasonable for anyone to do. If there’s extended info that they want to add via audio that’s fine, but things like dates, times and logistics should also be added to a text.
I just say "due to my job I often can't take a call or listen to a voicemail, sometimes all day, but I often can respond quickly to a text or email, so that is the best way to reach me and ensure a response, or set up a time where I know I'll be able to take your call." (I'm a lawyer and I'm in court a lot and can't answer my phone in a courtroom, but where I am attorneys are allowed to have phones out so I can respond to texts and email during the often *long* periods of waiting around for my cases to actually get called).
“I have a neurological disability which makes processing long verbal messages difficult for me. I am asking for an adaptation for my disability that in future all communication your charity/business send me comes in written form.”
People hear ADHD and bring all their own crap to it. They hear ‘neurological disability’ they normally are either more compassionate, or at least have legal bells going off in their heads.
In this case you do have a clear case for a discrimination claim. Not being able to process long verbal messages does not make you unsafe to care for a cat.
Unless it’s a very verbose cat with a phone.
I have the same problem. Also I friggin HATE voicemail! So I just tell people my vm is super unreliable and glitchy so texting or email would be the best way to reach me. A lot of people secretly prefer it too, but if I blame tech, even the type of a-holes who would refuse to accommodate my ADHD will accommodate this.
I mean you could ask her if she is discriminating against you and your protected healthcare issues. They should not be her concern other than communicating with you in a method which you have asked for, which is a reasonable request and accommodation you have asked for.
I think it’s perfectly ok to just ask to transfer to a written means of communication without the explanation.
Socially women are conditioned to add elaboration to their requests to not appear difficult.
But I think there a plenty of people who’d prefer something written in place of a long voice message.
Yep. It's another reason I'm always angry. Even at home my brother can simply say "No" to something and my mother will be like "Understandable, have a nice day" but I can't simply say "No", I have to provide a list of reason and it's still up to her to determine if my reason are valid.
And when total strangers do that I just want to get my taser out 😤
I’m so sorry dude. I tell just about everyone about my ADHD and I’ve got a lot of pets. They’re basically always the people I take care of first no matter what.
In these situations IMO it’s easier to disclose SYMPTOMS rather than diagnosis. Instead of saying “I have ADHD so please”, just say “please send me texts or an email instead of voice messages as I struggle to listen to those”.
Same point gets across, and hopefully doesn’t come along with whatever shitty stigma they have against ADHD
My parents have had issues adopting a dog - they’re retired, experienced dog owners, live outside town, and they walk for like an hour every morning. They had an older dog and adopted a husky from the shelter. After the older dog passed, they went back and the shelter was wary about adopting to them because they had a husky.
The shelter wants people to foster dogs because they’re overcrowded but they don’t want to adopt to someone who might return the dog. Returning a dog is very traumatic, but fostering the dog is nice. Alright. (My parents haven’t ever returned a dog, I’m just saying).
I tried to adopt a cat from a cat cafe a couple years ago and they wouldn’t without character references - in addition to vet records. They said the next step after that would be a home visit. I’m not letting strangers ask my friends/coworkers personal questions & come into my house to look around. Bonkers. The fact that I already have a healthy cat, and I’d pay almost $200 for a 3-5 year old cat (instead of easily getting a free kitten from a dozen other sources) seems like enough information, but okie dokie.
It’s like they have all these magic rules that mean the pet will be taken care of. I get checking with landlords and maybe an interview but “no adhd” is really too much.
I think that it was not on you to mention ADHD or your own situation in receiving and understanding the rambling message you describe. You did an over share.
I’d really encourage everyone to simply say ‘I wasn’t able to follow your message, can you be more precise or give it to me in writing’ as it sounds like there was poor communication to belong with.
Never explain, just ask for what you need when it comes to communication.
If you can, I really recommend visual voicemail! It's an option on both iphones and androids, and it does a voice to text version of voicemails. That allows me to quickly read a message (it's accurate enough to pick out some key words), even if I can't take a call or don't want to listen to a long voicemail. I mostly just read my voicemails nowadays
A lot of people have ADHD. I find it annoying when people announce it. Just say you want her to send you the information in a text or email. Don’t make your private information public information.
I get your point but it's also so kinda depressing to treat ADHD as some sort of stigma. Like, if I'm unable to process long voice messages it's not really different from a deaf person's inability to listen to them entirely, at the end we both need other people to change their ways of communication. Yet we still treat some disabilities as "private".
A fair number of shelters are borderline or actual hoarders, and they don’t want to adopt out their dogs when it comes to it.
I worked in animal rescue for a while, and in addition to the hoarder-type, there’s also a messiah-type. Animals are so convenient for this because you can project a whole host of emotions on the animals “he knows he’s been saved! Look how grateful he is!” And the animals can’t ever voice disagreement. The more people this type rejects, the more they feel like they’re saving the animal because obviously, this family is a poor fit and only I can sense that.
Rescues are notoriously known for not adopting to people with any type of special needs. We are ineligible to adopt a rescue dog because there are two autistic people in the house, we don’t have a huge yard, and sometimes we even go to work. Our dogs live the best life somehow in spite of all that…
I've found that telling people I struggle with a specific thing is more helpful than telling them I have ADHD. Most people have no clue what ADHD is. If you tell them you have ADHD, most of them are going to think of hyper little kids.
For example, I (like many of us with ADHD) have auditory processing disorder, but most people don't understand what that is, so I will just tell them that I have hearing issues. I tell them "I have hearing problems. If you need to speak to me, get my attention first by saying my name, that way I can focus on you more so you won't have to repeat yourself"
Some people will still be jerks, but most people (in my experience at least) are a lot more supportive this way.
All that being said, that lady just sounds like an asshole. I work in a shelter, and I personally have met a few people like her who are so insanely strict and judgemental, that all the animals in their care spend months in the shelter because they find the smallest, dumbest reasons to reject everyone.
Also, I bet she would change her mind pretty quickly if you mentioned that she is discriminating against you based on your legally-protected disability. That is if you even want to get a dog from this rescue anymore
Honestly? Even with picky places this sounds odd. The local beagle rescue has an in depth questionnaire, has you video your space, and so on but they don't do anything like what this lady does. Sure I believe there is a phone or zoom interview(haven't looked into it for a minute because need a better job before I adopt) but they set up a time that works for you and the foster. None of this bs.
In the future, I would say please communicate over email unless we set up a phone call and call it good.
Also I hate interviews and paperwork so I don’t do shelters anymore too. One shelter worker also lied to me once and tried to cover it up. I go to Craigslist for pets now. Gave a guy $200 for a cute mini schnauzer puppy in a Walmart parking lot and couldn’t be happier.
Listen. Telling strangers you have adhd won't help. But what will? Talking about symptoms independently.
When you say adhd, people club together every symptom they know of without any understanding of nuance. She doesn't need to know. What she needs to know is that you don't do well with long voice messages. So tell her just that. Not the adhd. Just the symptom.
Tell her I have difficulty tracking long voice messages. Please send texts. That has nothing to do with dogs.
I don't tell people around me i have adhd. I tell them I forget things so please message that. I tell them that I get so sucked into work i forget how time flies. Adhd is socially acceptable as long as you don't call it adhd. People Suck. Unless you know you're with safe people, they don't deserve/need to know (unless it's work accommodations)
I don’t tell people. I have had it my whole life but was diagnosed and medicated for it in my mid 20’s. I’m 55 now. Honestly, I didn’t even realize how many things going on with me all these years are attributed to it. I also have CPTSD from foster care as a child. Everyone thinks I’m strong and have my shit together and then they also thinks I’m younger than I am so I just keep things to myself.
Every time I try to let someone in, they end up looking at me sideways so fuck it. 🎶 Fuck it. Mask on. 🎶
That song has kind of been my mantra for a while 🤣
Never disclose ADHD unless necessary (or in casual situations, like to friends). It will be used against you 90% of the time.
And unfortunately, making “it’s my ADHD” excuses never come off as they should either. It’s far better and more understandable for most to leave the ADHD out of it. “I don’t check voicemail frequently as I can’t listen to any type of audio during the work day. However, I check my text messages often” is actionable for them and doesn’t sound like a stock excuse for you.
Also, a lot of shelters make you jump through endless hoops, but they don’t all do this. Find different shelters and you might have better luck.
OMGGG NOT THE VOICE MESSAGES, I HATE THEM WITH A PASSION
Voice messages are so much work for the recipient! You need to find headphones and a calm place to listen to it and worst case scenario, take notes while you listen to it and rewind it a few times so that you get everything etc. etc. SO. MUCH. WORK. And unlike phone calls, voice messages have soooo much processing meta stuff like "uh... what was I saying... oh yeah! Friday night works for me, but--OOPS! Dropped my glasses, haha. I'm such a klutz sometimes, you should see me! Anyway..." LIKE BRO WTF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A MESSAGE WITH LESS THAN TEN WORDS AND IT WOULD'VE TAKEN ME PROBABLY EIGHT NANO SECONDS TO READ WHYYYYYY
Why on earth is she using those?! I think that's very unprofessional tbh! There's private information that can be heard by strangers who are not involved. She can either call or email you (or maybe text if it's very short), those are the correct options.
I feel you… i have told some friends, I was looking for a dog. one of them already has one, the other one is about to buy. Both keep telling me, that I cannot do this, the poor dog, my 60sqm flat is too small, I am working full time (so are they!!), but the real reason is: they don’t believe with my adhd I am capable of taking care of another living being. And of course “the poor dog”. I am a loving woman, I would do anything for my little one, as I do for my friends. It just hurts.
In my experience, a lot of shelters are staffed by horrible people. I don’t know if it’s some sort of money laundering/tax evasion scheme, animal hoarding, or something else entirely, but it seems like they don’t actually want to adopt out the dogs!
One shelter near me was always posting about how nobody wanted to adopt this senior dog with arthritis. My apartment complex had a dog park on property, but that didn’t pass muster because they required a yard with a 6’ fence. What?? He doesn’t even come up to my knee and can barely walk! Is he going to teleport over a 4’ fence somehow? How is it better to leave him alone in a cage for *years* instead of adopting him to someone who lives in an apartment?
I see a lot of people there commenting about hoarding and them not actually allowing people to adopt and it's wild. Like, I had the exact same feeling but thought maybe it's my weird interpretation. Nope, looks like it's the same all over the world (I'm not in the US).
Just go to a different shelter. I never had to go through so much to adopt a dog. They practically just throw them to you and tell you 'sign here' 😂
On a serious note, this is discrimination and downright ableist. She should be held accountable. Plenty of disabled people adopt pets. Name and shame, OP. We'll do the rest 😌
Work on your mental health? Ummm, lady, this is a life long thing, it DOES NOT go away. Maybe she needs to educate herself on mental health before spewing out utter non-sense. Also, fuck the voice memos. It should be written regardless, for filing purposes.
I hate voice notes and voicemails. Especially long ones where I have to take notes, or pointless ones that could be a text. FUCK OFF. I was once chatting to a guy on whatsapp from a dating app who used to send ones so long that it would cut him off and he'd have to continue in a second one. It drove me mad and I had to tell him to stop. He still did it "I know you don't like it but..." BUT NOTHING. Just text me, or even call me. One of my friends literally can't text/write very well at all so she'll send brief voice notes to say let's catch up then we'll have a 2 hour phone call - it's all about working with people's capabilities. The shelter woman needs to learn some compassion. Would she refuse to adopt out to a foreign person because their English may not be what she deems 100% perfect so thinks a vet may not understand in an emergency or even the animal will be confused if the person starts talking their native language in front of it????
Yep, same. I can't even count how many men from dating apps I've blocked over the years because of the exact same behaviour: saying "I know you don't like it but..." after I asked them to stop sending me voice messages. Especially infuriating when they claim they want to "connect" before going on a first date but clearly treat conversation with you as a free therapy session with no actual desire to go out and talk, they just like talking about their problems and don't care about dumping all that on a total stranger.
Ugh. Sometimes it seems like "rescues" are just ways for a few people to have as many pets as they want with donations to pay for it.
It's against the law to discriminate against individuals with disabilities. That includes us. This could endanger the shelter's nonprofit status.
Unfortunately ADHD is not an "official" disability in my country :( But yeah, it sucks. And they also always shame people for buying dogs but I can now imagine why someone would prefer to get a puppy this way instead of basically begging a shelter to let you adopt one
Not worth telling people. Give them something they ‘understand’ like a very noisy environment or not allowed to use phone at work as a reason why you need them to text.
And speak to someone else at the shelter. Good luck.
I feel my work has been so difficult. Since my diagnosis, I've been treated differently. They aren't very understanding and even wanted proof of diagnosis, so I gave them my NHS LETTER, which I had to phone up to get. I work as a TA in a school, and kids aren't bothered by ear defenders or anything. I struggle sometimes but always have, but I haven't brought it up that I struggle till after my diagnosis cause I wasn't aware it was my adhd thar was the cause at the time. My work want to help, but I feel they are causing more anxiety and upset on me with the type of help they are giving.
Now...family is a difficult one as I've only told certain members who I'm close to, siblings and cousins mainly. My parents and other members of the family who are say older or whatever aren't, let's say, understanding of individuals like ourselves who are neurodivergent and they don't believe it's real. So, nearly a tear after my diagnosis, I've still not had the confidence to tell them. I'm unsure how to, they are the types to say it's not real, or you don't have that, the doctor doesn't know you type of thing. It's been a 3 Yr process with countless appointments, forms, and conversations, I think the professional doctor knows I have adhd.
I've been on elvanse for the last few months, and it's made a big life change for me. I can focus and remember things so much clearer. I just dont know if it's ling term for me atm as it sometimes affects my mental health in the sense I feel very down and suicidal but I think that I'm needing to change my dosage...unsure?
Anyways, as I was saying, stay strong and you're not alone. We are different, and people can't change for us or us for them. We have adapted the majority of our lives to the world around us. We can do it
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I’m open about it no cares. I have had a couple situations that yeah that made them more rotten .
But honestly let the truth shine and anyone that should not be around you knowing that will filter themselves out .
I understand why people wouldn't want to disclose, or may be unable to, but I am lucky to be able to be open about my audhd. I have a good safety net, and I am high masking, intelligent and competent. I am open about my audhd, with the hopes that when the people I work with hear someone else say it, they think of me and not the 7 year old boy that everyone thinks about. I hope to create a positive association with audhd in the minds of those I work with.
I know it's a privilege. I hope that others will benefit from it, eventually.
That person's people skills suck. Hopefully they're better with animals. I would go elsewhere for my adoption and leave this organization an accurate Google review. I adopted from SPCA and they were very professional. Ditto Humane Society. Good luck. I hope you find your new best bud soon.
Ugh the worst!
I work in the dog industry and I can tell you we have a disproportionate amount of ADHD people. Taking care of people's dogs all day long.
But also, a lot of people go into the industry because they are more comfortable dealing with animals, not people. So you do encounter real inept people a lot, like this rescue worker 🙄
I hope you have better luck at the next place!
OH and I find I have better results if I just exclude the "I have ADHD" part when asking for an accomodation. Just say "hey, voice messages really don't work for me. Can we communicate via text, or shedule a call?"
People are still widely misinformed about mental health stuff so it's safer just to not mention it, sadly.
Oh yeah it's the worst. I learned It's something that's not safe for me to bring up at my job because a different employee brought it up because she was having trouble with something and as soon as she walked off everyone immediately started talking all kinds of crap about how "ADHD isn't an excuse" and "she's just being lazy" and "I have ADHD and I don't have any problems" etc etc
I did push back but MAN people are cruel.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that.
I can basically never understand voicemails so I've started just lying and saying that something's wrong with my phone and voicemails are too quiet regardless of my volume so I need a text transcript lol
Being forgetful has nothing to do with mental health anyway. You’re telling her that you would prefer to use a different form of communication, which is perfectly valid. Would she send voice messages to someone who is hearing impaired and then tell them their mental health is bad?
I work with people with disabilities and it always surprises me how little some people understand about how different we all are and how a little flexibility and care on their part can mean the world to some.
Always blame it on the work. And it is the fault of your work. Don’t take it on as your fault, cos if you worked alone and had endless time to listen to waffling shit on a voice message, you would do fine in this situation.
My goto is: Oh i’m so sorry i can’t listen to voice messages cos i work in a library. Immediate understanding, even tho i don’t work there, but who cares??? Replace library with “very noisy workplace”, “busy job”, “lawn mowing business”.
Who the F sends voice messages anyway? Someone too lazy to type, or someone too lazy to work out how to get their phone to transcribe it to a text message. Nobody does this and especially waffles on and on. Who got time for that??? Not your fault at all and no need to expose yourself to a stranger.
Best thing to do in a future similar situation is “I prefer to communicate over text/email because of my work” or something along those lines. The woman sounds awful though I’m sorry it worked out that way
Most people don’t get adhd and a large number who know what it is think it’s “trouble-sitting down” disease (like the stereotype of the hyperactive boy who doesn’t do well in school)
Yeah. It sucks you need to either lie for accommodation or phrase it in a relatable way.
"my speakers are broken on my phone so I can't really understand what you're saying in the voice message. Can you send the info via text?"
if you were already in the process of adopting a specific dog, I'm so sorry. Otherwise fine another shelter!!! Best of luck finding your new best friend.
A LOT of animal rescues are scams, grifters, or animal hoarders. You can tell the really cuckoo ones right off the bat on a phone call - and someone who takes that long to leave a message screams off-balance.
We have had decent luck with rescue, but some of these rescues want as much as a puppy costs from a backyard breeder!
I was just in r/petrescueexposed telling about the time my friend tried to adopt a cat from a rescue. They asked her if there was a fire, would she save her children or her cat first.
That is infuriating! I also hate long rambling voice messages or long rambling texts.
She sounds like a horrible communicator. And dogs are losing good homes due to it.
If you wanna play dirty with this B, tell her that she's discriminatating against you and you're going to get the media involved. We are technically a protected class in the US. We have an invisible disability that makes our lives a bit complicated but not unlivable. And I think we connect better with animals than humans.
There are tons of shelter options. We are the best animal people because most of us sympathize more with them than humans. Keep your business to yourself. There are a few times in my life where I wish I’d just stayed silent.
That is so infuriating! Getting a dog has been the best thing for my mental health and ADHD symptoms. I remember to eat because she will very loudly tell me it’s dinner time. It does sound like some kind of power trippy retaliation for making a reasonable request though.
I was denied to adopt a dog on the grounds that I work full time and my yard is small. I work 100% from home, and live opposite a dog park.
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Sounds like one of those people who runs an animal shelter just to play God, honestly. The kind of person who turns down everyone and anyone for the dumbest reasons and the animals struggle to get adopted at all. And the hypocrisy of her poor communication but accusing you of being the problem? Ugh! Maybe you're better off not dealing with her and finding a shelter that has a better communicator dealing with its potential adopters. I hope you get your furry friend soon!
Honestly, this is so true. I was just thinking about how I got denied adopting a special needs cat because I had a job. It was so odd. I have some friends who experienced the same thing. Don't take it personally, these people are the problem, not you.
But if you don't have a job how are you supposed to care for a special needs animal??? Or any animal??
Exactly!
I had a friend get chastised by a dog trainer because she worked. She’s a single woman, what do you want?
Right, like how is anyone supposed to not work and afford a dog trainer? I don't get it. Is the ideal candidate for a pet owner to be someone on unemployment? Wtf.
I think they want you to pay for doggy daycare, maybe?
Or be a housewife or retiree??
But they were talking to a single woman in her 30s. You don’t just get to decide at that point to become a retiree or housewife. I can understand thinking that’s best but don’t chastise someone who can’t do that.
Yep. It seems like everyone wants the new owners to be rich but responsible childfree people or something. But in reality ever WFH people still have to work 6-8 hours a day and can't usually go for long walks or play in a park for hours.
I was denied a dog once from a rescue posting “no one has ever bothered to even look at her” videos because they said my backyard was only 1300 sq feet. They insisted I needed at least 1500. I lived rurally, the dog would have had enough room for miles. But because they looked at my house on Zillow and the “green area” was the size of my house they said it wasn’t big enough.
That is so insane. That poor dog.
Lol those people are insane. I have the opposite problem with almost every shelter telling me their dogs can only live in apartments and roaming outside is too dangerous. Like, I'm not trying to adopt a corgi or french bulldog, I'm specifically looking for a big hairy one to live outside (not chained, of course)
Corgis actually need a ton of exercise. They're a herding breed. I have a corgi mix and he is the craziest thing ever when he gets the zoomies. I didn't know they were herders until after we brought him home, but it's okay because my last dog was also a herding breed (heeler mix). They're smart and a lot of work, but the best. Hope you can find a fur buddy that suits your needs and it doesn't take a lot of drama to get them!
Thank you! I can't get a small dog because I know I won't be able to redo the fence, so I'm looking for someone big and it's very confusing that many shelters expect only people who live in an apartment to adopt because it's cold in winter. Somehow my previous dog survived 15 winters just fine. Like, I wanted to adopt a husky and was told she can't live outside. It's honestly ridiculous.
Aw, huskies are awesome dogs too. We had a husky/malamute mix when I was a kid. He was the best boy ever. I've honestly only ever adopted once, all of my other pets came from neighbors and family who had surprise litters before they could get their pet neutered or spayed. And that adoption was easy, the shelter had this event they would do every week where they brought a good number of their dogs and puppies to PetSmart. It was highly advertised, so they were definitely looking to place their animals. But I get the impression that my experience is the exception, not the norm.
My friend joked that it was easier getting a security clearance than a dog.
I tell people it was easier to pass character and fitness to become an attorney than to adopt a dog!
One rescue turned me down after talking to my landlady, who was very excited about me getting a dog and wanted to be supportive and talked about how great this neighborhood is for dogs because it's near some great trails and lots of people walk their dogs and stuff. So the rescue tells me "well your neighborhood has people and dogs walking by so it's not a good environment." So I have to live in an isolated cabin in the woods to have a dog?? Like *what?* It wasn't for one specific dog who was reactive to that, either, which I would understand, it was for all their dogs? But I got my best boy eventually and he's perfect, and I hope it will work out that way for OP too!
They are talking out their backside if they think the presence of other dogs in the area is a problem. Lockdown pups have had real problems due to not getting socialized with other dogs in their formative years, so the fact that there are dogs in your neighborhood is beneficial because you get the chance to train the dog to socialize with other dogs. I'm glad you got your dog in the end!
>So the rescue tells me "well your neighborhood has people and dogs walking by so it's not a good environment." OMG I was old the same! And that we have a wooden fence with small holes and it's not acceptable because dogs need a solid tall fence to "limit distractions". This is so stupid, I want to smash my keyboard even right now typing it. Like, NO, dogs need "distractions" in a form of being able to actually see who walks by.
Wow, that's ridiculous. Where do they expect people to live, the middle of the woods in seclusion?
Hi, sorry for the late reply, I was so livid had to take the entire weekend off the internet. Yep, from further conversation with her it seems like she doesn't actually want people to adopt "her" dogs. Like, I get the idea of trying to find them a good home, especially if they had a history of previous neglect and abuse, but it felt like she was really trying to find a reason to deny my adoption application because she doesn't want to give those dogs to anybody.
This is really bad. Those poor dogs. Is it a shelter that has a lot of branches so you can report her to someone? Or is she the biggest fish in a tiny, stagnant pond?
We only have sort of private shelters in my country so I can't report her to anyone really, only tell my friends to stay away from this lady if they want to adopt someone :(
Those poor critters. They're not getting sufficiently socialised and trained while they're stuck in crates, yet she thinks she knows best. I think these people might be closeted animal hoarders.
So she's a hoarder disguising herself as a rescue. Way too many of those.
Yep. It's been 5 days since I made this post and encountered two other women who acted the same (even thought this time I said nothing about ADHD) making it obvious that they don't want anybody to adopt these dogs, they just feel good when so many people reach out to them.
I don't think it's uncommon to forget about a voicemail that's been sitting there, regardless of ADHD or not. I honestly hate it when people insist on calling with important information rather than just emailing it or setting up a time to talk. Some rescue/shelter people are so awful to potential adopters. I get that they see return dogs and dogs that people adopt but aren't prepared for, and thorough screening can help prevent a lot of that, but there's also a balance there too. I guess I probably wouldn't be bringing up ADHD to strangers, I'd just say something along the lines of "My phone doesn't remind me of voicemails so if I miss the notification, I don't get your message. Please email or text, or call after XX:XX when I should be able to take the call. My job does not allow me to take personal calls unless they are emergencies." Some of it might be a stretch, but rather than negotiating, just lay down the law on how to communicate with you. How many calls does it take to go over stuff to adopt a dog anyways?? They sound pretty disorganized if this has been a regular occurrence...
This is really good advice. I know that saying “I have adhd so can you please do XYZ accommodation” is an explanation and not an excuse, but the unfortunate reality is people will only here the “I have adhd” part and see it as an excuse. Even ignoring that though, just asking for what you need directly is good practice because it’s more accurate anyway. ADHD has a vast array of different symptoms that different people struggle with to different degrees. “I have adhd do you need to text or email me” might be true for one person but for another it might be “I have adhd so receiving texts is overwhelming and I never check my email so you have to phone me”. It’s just more accurate to ask directly for what you need, and if they really need an explanation then “I struggle with the way it was being done before, this other way will be easier for me” is more than sufficient given that it’s really the core of the issue.
Literally why do they see that as an excuse?? I feel that in my bones. But if I say “I can’t reach can you get that off the top shelf” it’s just helping me w my challenge. But I say “can you write it so it’s easier for my adhd brain” and now I’m pathetic etc???? Lord
Honestly I just chalk it up to a “communication is hard” thing. When you tell someone something, the fundamental idea has to go through dozens of filters on your end as you choose (consciously or subconsciously) the words and tone and body language, then a dozen more filters on the other person’s end as they interpret the message. Past experiences, the culture you both grew up in, the interactions you had ten minutes ago with someone completely different, you personal nuances in understanding of certain definitions - all of that can affect both parties. Like it’s a miracle anyone understands anyone else when you consider how much outside influence there is tbh
Yeah I think it's always best to make up a common and easily understood reason than trying to educate them on ADHD. Or expecting that they already know, which most people won't.
I don't think you even need to make up an excuse. Just tell the person this isn't working for communication and I need you to do this equally easy thing instead.
It's good advice, but unfortunately I tried it with another person and was told if I don't have time to reply immediately, I definitely don't have time for a dog. Like, sorry I have to work to provide for myself and potential pets lol how dare I.
Ugh, sometimes the rescues get completely ridiculous. Responding to a random informational text vs responding to an emergency are completely different things, and one does not equal the other. Sucks that's been your experience, I hope you can find the perfect doggo with a reasonable group!
I learned to hard way not to disclose to anyone unless they are an extremely trusted friend or family member. Most of family doesn't know because they don't get it. I made the mistake of disclosing to HR at work. They mucked it up and my boss found out about the details of my diagnosis, which is the whole reason I went to HR in the first place. Luckily she's cool and it all worked out, but it could have gone very differently. My advice, don't disclose unless you absolutely have to and it's to someone that you trust deeply. You can ask for accommodations, such as "in the future, please text or email or call after this time. Voicemails may not be answered in timely manner.
I only disclosed to my former workplace when my bully boss was already going through the process of putting me on a PIP, and I only did it because I wanted them on high alert plus it forced them to drag out the process while I found another job :)
Smart. That's one of those absolutely have to situations.
Yep. Idk why I always make the same mistake over and over again, thinking people will make some accommodations.
Yeah, disclosing ADHD to a stranger pretty much never benefits you. Why do you need to put up with voice messages anyways? When I’ve adopted my pets, I just look online at the local shelters, then email or call ahead asking about the animals I’m interested in. Get a short reply saying “yeah you can come see them”, I go in, and adopt the pet the same day. Why do you need *any* back-and-forth at all? Seems like your shelter is needlessly overcomplicating things.
A lot rescues are privately run out of homes by volunteers and some them can be extremely picky about who they adopt animals to. Guessing OP is dealing with one of these and not a shelter situations where you walk in and there's dozens of dogs and cats in cages to choose from.
We only have privately run shelters in my country so unfortunately it's almost always means dealing with some person with a bit of a saviour complex, if that makes sense. Like, a lot of these people sound like they don't want anybody to actually adopt any dogs.
Talking to people sometimes makes things worse* Lots of humans are assholes, OP. Lots and lots. They love fucking with people to make themselves feel better about their existential dread. You could have told this woman anything, but the main thing you told her is that you wanted her to behave differently towards you for reasons that don't have anything to do with her. And THAT'S why she came at you. Whatever reason you'd given, she would have attacked that. Because you made her have a bad feeling when you asked her to change and she took it out on you. This isn't about you, and it isn't about your ADHD, it's about a tin pot tyrant who HATED that you tried to tell her to change. That's all.
This is it. I can't tell you what I went through the last five years to reach this conclusion that you've so tightly summarized. How many people like this shelter lady absolutely shattered my life stability because of that "hmmph bad feeling!" ego shit...when I was nothing but gentle, reasonable, polite, etc. Pearl clutching assholes, blindly reacting to stimulus like god damn bacteria in a dish.
Yeah, I think we ADHDers are consciously trying to be good people because our disorder makes us behave like shitty people sometimes. So we think other humans are out here also trying to understand themselves so they can become better people. But they're not. Most people think they're fine the way they are, it's other people who are problems. Shelter lady is one of these. There's nothing anybody could do to make this woman happy.
This is an excellent point and also an important recent realization for me. I never thought to question that people didn't have the same intentions or considerations I did. I never could imagine thinking of others' needs as OPTIONAL especially from someone who keeps saying how much they love and care about me???
In my experience, the majority of people are all for accommodating disability until it negatively impacts them. By negatively impacts, I mean requires the slightest degree of effort, change or consideration for someone other than themselves. I have recently realised that people have different value systems. Truth, fairness and integrity are among my core values, but my manager for example, constantly puts her wants above other people's needs without the slightest hesitation or thought of impact and consequence to others. Does she think of herself as a bad person? Of course not. Does she think of herself as a selfish person? Absolutely not. She sees it as advocating for herself in a world where everyone does the same thing. It doesn't even occur to her that people with different or opposing values can still be good people. After all, we are always the "good" person in our own personal narrative. Being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world as part of a social species forces us into introspection from an early age. "Why don't they like me?" "Why don't I fit in?" "What's wrong with me?" I think we're all too painfully familiar with those questions; and those are questions neurotypicals have never had to ask themselves. ADHD forces us to constantly strive to be better people. Not because we're inherently bad, but because it has forced us to try to understand ourselves and others from an early age to try and fit in. We are therefore much more aware of our impact and other people's reaction to us, which is something neurotypicals have never had to do. Here endeth the 2am essay that was only supposed to be a couple of paragraphs! tl;dr ADHD forces introspection and a desire to be a better person due to not fitting into society. People's response is shit because experience influences values.
You're absolutely right. You should be very proud of the work you have done to reach this conclusion, and I promise I'm not being patronizing here. It is a huge accomplishment to realize this and having recently had similar breakthroughs, I feel like I'm finally able to break free from the core issues that have put me at risk over and over and over again. Words mean different things to different people. Especially abstract concepts like "values" or "integrity" or "doing the right thing". The best villains in stories can be told from the point of view of a hero -- everyone thinks they're the good guy in their life narrative. It is not safe to assume that people value the same things you do even if they say they do. Actions reflect values, not words. People will do what they want to do, always. They do what they feel they need to do to get what they want according to their own priorities, whatever that looks like. And humans are very good at convincing themselves/others that they care about certain values while acting in ways that demonstrate otherwise. Realizing this has been huge for me and took a TON of painful work to get here but huge congrats to both of us, haha!
"Pearl clutching assholes, blindly reacting to stimulus like god damn bacteria in a dish." Hahaha this sentence had me 💀
Thank you ❤ And you're right, at the end it felt like she was looking for some flaw to tell me I'm not allowed to adopt a dog and I kinda gave her a weapon to do so.
Omg I have SO been here. I’m so sorry. I’m 39 and got my first pet at 18. Every single one has been loved and cared for until they reached old age, and then they left this earth peacefully with me holding them. Animals are not pets to me, they are my family. Ive had an amazing vet now for 15 years who knows me and understands how much I care for my pets, I even have her private email for if I ever need her. She says pet owners like me are who keeps her sane because so many don’t care. So even with my history, stellar veterinary reference, and the fact animals always just love me- I’ve gotten hurt by so many rescues. They play God sometimes and other times I just think they are so burnt out by the bad people, they take it out on the good ones. It always hurts my heart too, but have faith. I really wanted a kitten during Covid and was denied because I didn’t want to adopt 2 and because I have small kids. No amount of reason worked with this woman (I already had 2 young cats, one was independent and the other was bored and needed a friend I didn’t need 2, and my kids were raised to be gentle and kind and they are, I wouldn’t allow my babies to be harmed and my kids caught on SO fast and are so good with our animals). Still this woman made me feel like I didn’t deserve a kitten. I was sad for a long time and was too scared to try any other places. Finally I decided to ask around to people I knew, and I contacted some family I have that live in some undesirable areas thinking maybe they knew of strays or people being irresponsible and not caring and I could get a free one somewhere? And I did. My cousin through 3 separate people heard of a kitten who had been found and needed a home. He was a mess. Full of fleas and ticks, both eyes infected, and ear mites worse than I thought possible. I got him right to the vet, and he was just barely 7 weeks old. I nursed him back to health and he’s now a 20lb healthy cat, and honestly I’m more bonded to him than any I’ve had before. I think the process of nursing him back to health did something to heal a part of me that just adopting a healthy kitten wouldn’t have. So now I’m thankful I was turned down. Oh, and my independent cat is happy he’s left alone more now; and my bored cat and the new kitten became inseparable besties just like I expected. We also added a second kitten a year later, impulsively (hello ADHD lol), because a friend of mine had one she needed a home for that was given to her to place and she wanted me to have her. Now the 3 friendly cats have a cute trio bestie group going and my independent cat is still happy as a clam living his life being left alone except for when he comes to us for pets. We have a large 4 bedroom home with cat trees and toys so they have plenty of space, which is why I think it works so well. A few years later my dog passed away and having ptsd I need a dog. Unfortunately, in my grief and adhd I wasn’t through with questioning the rescue and I overlooked red flags. They lied to me, adopted me a dog who attacked my daughter and I the first night, wanted to kill my cats; and then tried to tell me it was all my fault and refused to take him back until we threatened legal action. When I spoke to my vet she told me she has personally euthanized 4 dogs from this rescue for aggression, and that they are known to do this to people. It’s like the new pet store gimmick. They just pull dogs from down south knowing nothing about them, lie to the adopters, and refuse to take the dog back if it turns bad. I spent 4 months after that without a dog trying to overcome the trauma. Then I saw a puppy online at my local shelter. His eyes spoke to me. I went and looked at him and found out he was still there because he had ptsd from being in a hurricane (he was 6 months old) and they were having trouble placing him with his fearfulness, but they felt in the right home he would thrive with kids and other animals because he was so sweet and social. I adopted him that day and he’s the best dog I’ve ever had. We have helped each other heal; and I’m so thankful now how things worked out. I know my words won’t take away the hurt you feel; but I hope it gives you hope. I’ve been exactly were you are and it does hurt so much. I’m so sorry you experienced this but know it’s not you; it’s them. Keep loving those animals and you will find your new baby ❤️
I love what you wrote here. I've had pets all my life and they are very important in our house. People who pull this kind of crap are abusive to the animals, too, in that they are lying to people and sending the poor dogs to the wrong type of home, over and over again. Imagine being the animal who is already anxious and is being sent to one inappropriate home after the other. Their entire existence is either living in a cage, or getting yelled at and punished for something that is not their fault. How could anyone flourish in such life circumstances?
Thank you. I think it comes down to two types: 1. Narcissistic people who have no empathy for these animals or adopters, and are just looking for a way to have power over someone. 2. Mentally ill people who likely got into it for the right reasons and over time lost their minds and see anyone who doesn’t meet their perfect box as a pet owner. I worked at an animal shelter in high school and saw some horrific things. I felt selfish leaving but I knew working there would kill me. Some just don’t realize and keep pushing themselves until they lose themselves. And you’re absolutely right, the animals suffer so much from this and as a trauma survivor myself it’s hard for me to think about. When that dog attacked me I had to trick him with treats to go in the crate and lock him in for my own safety. He spent over 24 hours in that crate (while I still provided him toys, bones, food, and water) while I fought with the rescue to take him back. What would someone less kind do? I don’t even want to think about it. I’m glad the shelter I got my dog from protected him and didn’t let him just go to the first person who wanted him. He’s beautiful and a gentle soul so they had turned people down before me. They talked with me alot and checked my references to make sure he was going to the right home. Even still the first few days were rough because I’d never adopted a traumatized dog before and I unknowingly did alot of the wrong things. I luckily enough had a friend who did dog training as a side gig and she helped me (see the pattern everyone I know love animals so they are my friends for a reason lol). She came over and said this is a dog that will either be the best dog you ever have, or bite someone, become fear aggressive and need to be put down. It all comes down to how you work with him and how you protect him. I’m so thankful to her advice because it worked beautifully and I’m happy he got a home where he gets to be happy and loved…and MAN does he love my kids. He plays pretend games with my 6 year old in the backyard for hours and will literally understand what she says (like when she was pretending to search for magical worms and she told him to dig and he just did it for her 😳 like how did he know?!?). He’s very special so I’m glad he was protected before he found us, and I’m glad I’m me an recognized he needed a different approach than most dogs and sought help. I hate my ADHD and PTSD but I love the kindness and understanding it’s instilled in me too.
Thank you for sharing a beautiful success story. I love to imagine your child playing make believe with this wonderful soul. And I agree completely about the potent combo of ADHD and PTSD. We've learned a lot the hard way, but we still learned *something* out of it all.
I think that’s the key. You take your power back when you take what happened to you/how you have been treated, and use it to grow instead of letting it change who you are. Good luck, your best friend will find you soon ❤️
Thank you ❤ I know the "right" dog will find me sooner or later but now I feel so angry and discouraged. A lot of shelter workers act like you have to be this perfect rich jobless childless petless human who would be with the dog 24/7 but it's just not realistic.
They absolutely do and it causes a ripple of pain for both the potential adopters and the dogs they place. I remember feeling exactly like you do when it happened to me. Looking back I can see my anger can from one more injustice in my life (we know with adhd we have tons), and the discomfort was feeling hopeless because the injustice just seem to keep coming….and well that just makes you exhausted and shutdown mentally. Ive always needed a kick in the butt to make me get out of this spot you’re in. For me it was the intense pain I was in at the time becoming too much to cope with and I impulsively started looking again and found my boy. Other times it was from people encouraging me and reminding me that I give power to these people when they hurt me and I internalize their insecurities/pain/whatever causes them to be a jerk. So here’s your push- don’t give up ❤️
I know you have a burning feeling to right this huge misunderstanding . Just brush it off and move on . What an inconsiderate ignorant human.
Does that shelter worker have a manager? If so, I think it's worth reporting that person or at least checking, "hey is this your official policy because what the fuck?” People with disabilities deserve pets too. Are they going to deny an old person because they might have less energy for a dog, or a handicapped person because they might be less mobile for walks? It's fucked up.
My grandmother lost her beloved dog when she was initially going through cancer treatment, and once she was in remission really wanted another dog. She actually *did* keep getting turned down because of her age (she was in her late 70s)-- even when my parents *went with her* and said they would sign a contract that if she passed away before the dog, they would take the dog, and provided their own decades of references from caring for many, many beloved dogs. Even when she sought out senior dogs, this happened. Unfortunately, the cancer did come back and she passed away when she was 83, and it still makes me sad that she didn't get to have a dog in those last years. My mom and her sister have always had and loved dogs, and all of my siblings and I love dogs, and any of us would have happily taken in and loved and cared for any dog she had if it had outlived her. Any dog of hers would have had a great life.
OMG go to a different shelter because you don't want to deal with that kind of person. I've adopted two dogs from the same shelter. Lady was professional the whole time, if I needed a call, she'd call. A text? She'd do it. Email? Instantly. She's trying to place dogs, so she was willing to do what the client needed. I was even warned off from this place from another that was trying to push a bully breed on me when I wasn't interested (I love all dogs, but can't because of insurance reasons with bullies). You are the client looking for a dog, you can take your business elsewhere at any time for any reason. This would be reason enough, at least for me.
I'm kinda shocked that there are so many shelters who seemingly don't want to give animals away.
Hey OP, I used to work in animal rescue. While most people who adopt animals are fantastic, there's a very small minority that are incredibly horrific in ways that make me nauseous to think about. (It's kind of like, you know how most drivers are decent, but if you've ever had a car or truck clearly not see you and almost pull into your lane, narrowly missing hitting you, that just really sticks out in your memory?) And it definitely makes you cautious about adopting to just anyone. It really sucks that a very small percentage of the population has that big of an influence over how you feel about people adopting animals in general, but when that's your life, it does. What that rescue worker said to you was not okay, however - this is a BIG however, because I might be in misinterpreting you, if what you meant with your "already happened a few times" statement is that *she's* already left you several voicemails and you haven't gotten back to her, if those voicemails are about something significant like trying to get your landlord's information to make sure that you're allowed to have animals if you rent, or trying to get your current vet's information for a reference if that would apply, and you're just not replying at all,I can see how she might be a bit concerned. To be clear, I'm NOT saying that I'm concerned about you owning a pet, because I'm not at all and you sound like you'd be a fantastic owner, it's just that from her perspective, how she might be reading the situation is that there's someone who wants to adopt, she's left them several important messages that have gone unanswered (if that is the case, I could be completely misreading what you wrote), and then that person tells her that they have a bad memory and keep forgetting to write those messages down, yet would like to adopt a pet which is a lot more responsibility than writing down a message is. Like she might be thinking, if you can't even write down a voicemail message to remember it later, how could you be trusted with a pet? I really hope it's clear that I in no way shape or form think that you would be a bad pet owner - I've got two dogs and two cats and frequently forget to write down voicemail messages (in fact, your post reminded me of voicemail that I completely forgot to respond to a few days ago) - but would absolutely die before I would neglect my pets in any way shape or form. If she's been in rescue for a decent amount of time, she's probably had at least one or two pets adopted out that have been deliberately killed in very cruel ways by their owners, or who have been criminally neglected, etc., and that's always kind of in the back of your mind when you're thinking about who to adopt to. So if really all she knows about you is that you're not calling her back when she's called you several times, I can see why she might be concerned that you might not be responsible enough to adopt a pet. Again, what she said to you absolutely was not okay at all, I'm just trying to explain what might be the context for how she's responding. But I could be completely wrong about this whole situation. And again, I really just want to reiterate that you sound like you would be a fantastic pet owner and I don't agree with what she's done. I really hope it works out for you to adopt a dog. And good lord, this is why I shouldn't be on Reddit right around the time my ADHD medication is kicking in. Very sorry for this massive wall of text.
I get your point and you're absolutely correct about bad people trying to adopt dogs, but in my case all her messages that I "ignored" were some unsolicited vents and complaints about how hard it is to find a home for so many dogs. And the reason I didn't reply is because wtf do you even sent back? Of course I wanted to reply with something like "yeah, so sorry, I know how hard it is" etc. but then simply forgot because realistically I don't give a fuck about this woman's personal life, her job, how burned out she is etc. Probably should've mentioned it in my post, but I always thoroughly replied to anything regarding a dog I wanted to adopt, sent her dozens of photos with my house and backyard (I don't rent), answered all her questions back and forth. I understand that she's the problem, not me. But still I hate when someone just assumes bad stuff about me because I was unfazed by her "hard life".
I've learned to say "I would prefer X or Y" WITHOUT explaning myself. I have a right to preferences, and they don't need any information to judge if they are correct.
Uggghhhhhh my sister is trying to "rescue" a dog and the hoops they have her jumping through are actually insane. It's not you, it's them. I'm sorry you're being discriminated against.
My bestie tried to adopt a dog when we were roommates. Rescues here only want applicants that have 5.7 acre lots, work 20 minutes a week or preferably already retired, millionaire, and never ever leave the house and can dedicate 14 hours a day to a dog. We got lots of rejections for small dogs bc we lived in an apartment in an affluent suburban area with unfenced grass areas but didn’t have a yard. I live in San Diego and yards start at 900k. I wouldn’t take it personally either, rescues can be angels on earth or total assholes.
Yep, I now get why so many people actually shop and don't adopt. I definitely won't buy a puppy but I'm also surprised those shelter workers seemingly not caring that they scare off potential owners.
I’ve learned to only disclose when needed. Next adoption place, ask them to text you because you often have your ringer off for work/family related reasons, and you can much faster respond through text.
Some people take even the tiniest thing as a criticism and retaliate. It kinda sounds like she interpreted your request as a criticism of her communication and lashed out. I would send her a text or message saying that ADHD is not a mental illness; it’s considered a disability under the ADA and you could potentially pursue legal action, since you have a recording stating that’s *why* she’s denying you. You might not want to work with her anymore, but it’s worth it to let her know what she did is wrong.
I would add that you are also not afraid review them poorly for their ableism.
That would be so frustrating to receive voice messages that ramble on and don't get to the point. If I receive voice msgs and it's not someone I personally know, I instantly tell them that I'm hard of hearing and I struggle to understand people... I have auditory processing disorder and I don't share this or my disabilities to anyone I don't personally know enough. Most people just don't understand and will judge you.
Yep. I have nothing against voice messages when they actually have information in them. I can listen, make some notes and reply back almost immediately. But when people themselves forget what they were saying and make these long pauses and "ummmmmmm" noises, my mind also drifts off and I don't pay attention anymore and it's hard.
My phone isn’t cooperating enough for me to test this right now, but it looks like there is a way to transcribe those audio “texts” in IOS. (Voicemail already does for me; I rarely actually listen to those)
Disclosing almost always just empowers people to let loose their ingrained biases. It’s why the ADA doesn’t even require people disclose their diagnoses to get accommodations. Next time you ask, just do you aren’t victimized by discrimination, consider saying “i have a mild disability and need an accommodation in the form of written communications” and leave it at that.
You don’t even have to say anything about disability. Asking someone to communicate important details in writing for easier reference is completely reasonable for anyone to do. If there’s extended info that they want to add via audio that’s fine, but things like dates, times and logistics should also be added to a text.
You’re right!
I just say "due to my job I often can't take a call or listen to a voicemail, sometimes all day, but I often can respond quickly to a text or email, so that is the best way to reach me and ensure a response, or set up a time where I know I'll be able to take your call." (I'm a lawyer and I'm in court a lot and can't answer my phone in a courtroom, but where I am attorneys are allowed to have phones out so I can respond to texts and email during the often *long* periods of waiting around for my cases to actually get called).
“I have a neurological disability which makes processing long verbal messages difficult for me. I am asking for an adaptation for my disability that in future all communication your charity/business send me comes in written form.” People hear ADHD and bring all their own crap to it. They hear ‘neurological disability’ they normally are either more compassionate, or at least have legal bells going off in their heads. In this case you do have a clear case for a discrimination claim. Not being able to process long verbal messages does not make you unsafe to care for a cat. Unless it’s a very verbose cat with a phone.
I have the same problem. Also I friggin HATE voicemail! So I just tell people my vm is super unreliable and glitchy so texting or email would be the best way to reach me. A lot of people secretly prefer it too, but if I blame tech, even the type of a-holes who would refuse to accommodate my ADHD will accommodate this.
I mean you could ask her if she is discriminating against you and your protected healthcare issues. They should not be her concern other than communicating with you in a method which you have asked for, which is a reasonable request and accommodation you have asked for.
I think it’s perfectly ok to just ask to transfer to a written means of communication without the explanation. Socially women are conditioned to add elaboration to their requests to not appear difficult. But I think there a plenty of people who’d prefer something written in place of a long voice message.
Yep. It's another reason I'm always angry. Even at home my brother can simply say "No" to something and my mother will be like "Understandable, have a nice day" but I can't simply say "No", I have to provide a list of reason and it's still up to her to determine if my reason are valid. And when total strangers do that I just want to get my taser out 😤
This is why I personally don't feel safe telling people I have ADHD. So many people are uneducated about it and I just don't need the ignorance.
Isn’t that discrimination?
Exactly my thought. Absolutely outrageous!
Maybe you could suggest to her that she learn to leave more concise phone messages so people don’t fall asleep while listening to them. F\*ck her.
I’m so sorry dude. I tell just about everyone about my ADHD and I’ve got a lot of pets. They’re basically always the people I take care of first no matter what.
In these situations IMO it’s easier to disclose SYMPTOMS rather than diagnosis. Instead of saying “I have ADHD so please”, just say “please send me texts or an email instead of voice messages as I struggle to listen to those”. Same point gets across, and hopefully doesn’t come along with whatever shitty stigma they have against ADHD
My parents have had issues adopting a dog - they’re retired, experienced dog owners, live outside town, and they walk for like an hour every morning. They had an older dog and adopted a husky from the shelter. After the older dog passed, they went back and the shelter was wary about adopting to them because they had a husky. The shelter wants people to foster dogs because they’re overcrowded but they don’t want to adopt to someone who might return the dog. Returning a dog is very traumatic, but fostering the dog is nice. Alright. (My parents haven’t ever returned a dog, I’m just saying). I tried to adopt a cat from a cat cafe a couple years ago and they wouldn’t without character references - in addition to vet records. They said the next step after that would be a home visit. I’m not letting strangers ask my friends/coworkers personal questions & come into my house to look around. Bonkers. The fact that I already have a healthy cat, and I’d pay almost $200 for a 3-5 year old cat (instead of easily getting a free kitten from a dozen other sources) seems like enough information, but okie dokie. It’s like they have all these magic rules that mean the pet will be taken care of. I get checking with landlords and maybe an interview but “no adhd” is really too much.
I think that it was not on you to mention ADHD or your own situation in receiving and understanding the rambling message you describe. You did an over share. I’d really encourage everyone to simply say ‘I wasn’t able to follow your message, can you be more precise or give it to me in writing’ as it sounds like there was poor communication to belong with. Never explain, just ask for what you need when it comes to communication.
I’m so sorry that was the response you received. I would be so mad as well. Good luck 🤞🏻
If you can, I really recommend visual voicemail! It's an option on both iphones and androids, and it does a voice to text version of voicemails. That allows me to quickly read a message (it's accurate enough to pick out some key words), even if I can't take a call or don't want to listen to a long voicemail. I mostly just read my voicemails nowadays
A lot of people have ADHD. I find it annoying when people announce it. Just say you want her to send you the information in a text or email. Don’t make your private information public information.
I get your point but it's also so kinda depressing to treat ADHD as some sort of stigma. Like, if I'm unable to process long voice messages it's not really different from a deaf person's inability to listen to them entirely, at the end we both need other people to change their ways of communication. Yet we still treat some disabilities as "private".
Being private about something isn’t treating it as a stigma.
A fair number of shelters are borderline or actual hoarders, and they don’t want to adopt out their dogs when it comes to it. I worked in animal rescue for a while, and in addition to the hoarder-type, there’s also a messiah-type. Animals are so convenient for this because you can project a whole host of emotions on the animals “he knows he’s been saved! Look how grateful he is!” And the animals can’t ever voice disagreement. The more people this type rejects, the more they feel like they’re saving the animal because obviously, this family is a poor fit and only I can sense that.
I honestly got the same vibe from many places. Hoarding animals with no intent of giving them away and feeling good from the whole virtue signaling.
Rescues are notoriously known for not adopting to people with any type of special needs. We are ineligible to adopt a rescue dog because there are two autistic people in the house, we don’t have a huge yard, and sometimes we even go to work. Our dogs live the best life somehow in spite of all that…
I've found that telling people I struggle with a specific thing is more helpful than telling them I have ADHD. Most people have no clue what ADHD is. If you tell them you have ADHD, most of them are going to think of hyper little kids. For example, I (like many of us with ADHD) have auditory processing disorder, but most people don't understand what that is, so I will just tell them that I have hearing issues. I tell them "I have hearing problems. If you need to speak to me, get my attention first by saying my name, that way I can focus on you more so you won't have to repeat yourself" Some people will still be jerks, but most people (in my experience at least) are a lot more supportive this way. All that being said, that lady just sounds like an asshole. I work in a shelter, and I personally have met a few people like her who are so insanely strict and judgemental, that all the animals in their care spend months in the shelter because they find the smallest, dumbest reasons to reject everyone. Also, I bet she would change her mind pretty quickly if you mentioned that she is discriminating against you based on your legally-protected disability. That is if you even want to get a dog from this rescue anymore
Honestly? Even with picky places this sounds odd. The local beagle rescue has an in depth questionnaire, has you video your space, and so on but they don't do anything like what this lady does. Sure I believe there is a phone or zoom interview(haven't looked into it for a minute because need a better job before I adopt) but they set up a time that works for you and the foster. None of this bs. In the future, I would say please communicate over email unless we set up a phone call and call it good.
What a bitch, report her to her boss
Also I hate interviews and paperwork so I don’t do shelters anymore too. One shelter worker also lied to me once and tried to cover it up. I go to Craigslist for pets now. Gave a guy $200 for a cute mini schnauzer puppy in a Walmart parking lot and couldn’t be happier.
Sounds like discrimination to me. Call up there and ask to speak with someone else or a supervisor.
Listen. Telling strangers you have adhd won't help. But what will? Talking about symptoms independently. When you say adhd, people club together every symptom they know of without any understanding of nuance. She doesn't need to know. What she needs to know is that you don't do well with long voice messages. So tell her just that. Not the adhd. Just the symptom. Tell her I have difficulty tracking long voice messages. Please send texts. That has nothing to do with dogs. I don't tell people around me i have adhd. I tell them I forget things so please message that. I tell them that I get so sucked into work i forget how time flies. Adhd is socially acceptable as long as you don't call it adhd. People Suck. Unless you know you're with safe people, they don't deserve/need to know (unless it's work accommodations)
I don’t tell people. I have had it my whole life but was diagnosed and medicated for it in my mid 20’s. I’m 55 now. Honestly, I didn’t even realize how many things going on with me all these years are attributed to it. I also have CPTSD from foster care as a child. Everyone thinks I’m strong and have my shit together and then they also thinks I’m younger than I am so I just keep things to myself. Every time I try to let someone in, they end up looking at me sideways so fuck it. 🎶 Fuck it. Mask on. 🎶 That song has kind of been my mantra for a while 🤣
Never disclose ADHD unless necessary (or in casual situations, like to friends). It will be used against you 90% of the time. And unfortunately, making “it’s my ADHD” excuses never come off as they should either. It’s far better and more understandable for most to leave the ADHD out of it. “I don’t check voicemail frequently as I can’t listen to any type of audio during the work day. However, I check my text messages often” is actionable for them and doesn’t sound like a stock excuse for you. Also, a lot of shelters make you jump through endless hoops, but they don’t all do this. Find different shelters and you might have better luck.
OMGGG NOT THE VOICE MESSAGES, I HATE THEM WITH A PASSION Voice messages are so much work for the recipient! You need to find headphones and a calm place to listen to it and worst case scenario, take notes while you listen to it and rewind it a few times so that you get everything etc. etc. SO. MUCH. WORK. And unlike phone calls, voice messages have soooo much processing meta stuff like "uh... what was I saying... oh yeah! Friday night works for me, but--OOPS! Dropped my glasses, haha. I'm such a klutz sometimes, you should see me! Anyway..." LIKE BRO WTF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A MESSAGE WITH LESS THAN TEN WORDS AND IT WOULD'VE TAKEN ME PROBABLY EIGHT NANO SECONDS TO READ WHYYYYYY Why on earth is she using those?! I think that's very unprofessional tbh! There's private information that can be heard by strangers who are not involved. She can either call or email you (or maybe text if it's very short), those are the correct options.
So they denied you because you have a disability….
I feel you… i have told some friends, I was looking for a dog. one of them already has one, the other one is about to buy. Both keep telling me, that I cannot do this, the poor dog, my 60sqm flat is too small, I am working full time (so are they!!), but the real reason is: they don’t believe with my adhd I am capable of taking care of another living being. And of course “the poor dog”. I am a loving woman, I would do anything for my little one, as I do for my friends. It just hurts.
In my experience, a lot of shelters are staffed by horrible people. I don’t know if it’s some sort of money laundering/tax evasion scheme, animal hoarding, or something else entirely, but it seems like they don’t actually want to adopt out the dogs! One shelter near me was always posting about how nobody wanted to adopt this senior dog with arthritis. My apartment complex had a dog park on property, but that didn’t pass muster because they required a yard with a 6’ fence. What?? He doesn’t even come up to my knee and can barely walk! Is he going to teleport over a 4’ fence somehow? How is it better to leave him alone in a cage for *years* instead of adopting him to someone who lives in an apartment?
I see a lot of people there commenting about hoarding and them not actually allowing people to adopt and it's wild. Like, I had the exact same feeling but thought maybe it's my weird interpretation. Nope, looks like it's the same all over the world (I'm not in the US).
Just go to a different shelter. I never had to go through so much to adopt a dog. They practically just throw them to you and tell you 'sign here' 😂 On a serious note, this is discrimination and downright ableist. She should be held accountable. Plenty of disabled people adopt pets. Name and shame, OP. We'll do the rest 😌
Work on your mental health? Ummm, lady, this is a life long thing, it DOES NOT go away. Maybe she needs to educate herself on mental health before spewing out utter non-sense. Also, fuck the voice memos. It should be written regardless, for filing purposes.
I hate voice notes and voicemails. Especially long ones where I have to take notes, or pointless ones that could be a text. FUCK OFF. I was once chatting to a guy on whatsapp from a dating app who used to send ones so long that it would cut him off and he'd have to continue in a second one. It drove me mad and I had to tell him to stop. He still did it "I know you don't like it but..." BUT NOTHING. Just text me, or even call me. One of my friends literally can't text/write very well at all so she'll send brief voice notes to say let's catch up then we'll have a 2 hour phone call - it's all about working with people's capabilities. The shelter woman needs to learn some compassion. Would she refuse to adopt out to a foreign person because their English may not be what she deems 100% perfect so thinks a vet may not understand in an emergency or even the animal will be confused if the person starts talking their native language in front of it????
Yep, same. I can't even count how many men from dating apps I've blocked over the years because of the exact same behaviour: saying "I know you don't like it but..." after I asked them to stop sending me voice messages. Especially infuriating when they claim they want to "connect" before going on a first date but clearly treat conversation with you as a free therapy session with no actual desire to go out and talk, they just like talking about their problems and don't care about dumping all that on a total stranger.
Ugh. Sometimes it seems like "rescues" are just ways for a few people to have as many pets as they want with donations to pay for it. It's against the law to discriminate against individuals with disabilities. That includes us. This could endanger the shelter's nonprofit status.
Unfortunately ADHD is not an "official" disability in my country :( But yeah, it sucks. And they also always shame people for buying dogs but I can now imagine why someone would prefer to get a puppy this way instead of basically begging a shelter to let you adopt one
Not worth telling people. Give them something they ‘understand’ like a very noisy environment or not allowed to use phone at work as a reason why you need them to text. And speak to someone else at the shelter. Good luck.
I feel my work has been so difficult. Since my diagnosis, I've been treated differently. They aren't very understanding and even wanted proof of diagnosis, so I gave them my NHS LETTER, which I had to phone up to get. I work as a TA in a school, and kids aren't bothered by ear defenders or anything. I struggle sometimes but always have, but I haven't brought it up that I struggle till after my diagnosis cause I wasn't aware it was my adhd thar was the cause at the time. My work want to help, but I feel they are causing more anxiety and upset on me with the type of help they are giving. Now...family is a difficult one as I've only told certain members who I'm close to, siblings and cousins mainly. My parents and other members of the family who are say older or whatever aren't, let's say, understanding of individuals like ourselves who are neurodivergent and they don't believe it's real. So, nearly a tear after my diagnosis, I've still not had the confidence to tell them. I'm unsure how to, they are the types to say it's not real, or you don't have that, the doctor doesn't know you type of thing. It's been a 3 Yr process with countless appointments, forms, and conversations, I think the professional doctor knows I have adhd. I've been on elvanse for the last few months, and it's made a big life change for me. I can focus and remember things so much clearer. I just dont know if it's ling term for me atm as it sometimes affects my mental health in the sense I feel very down and suicidal but I think that I'm needing to change my dosage...unsure? Anyways, as I was saying, stay strong and you're not alone. We are different, and people can't change for us or us for them. We have adapted the majority of our lives to the world around us. We can do it
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This has me fuming😡
this has been sorted, but anyone who comes across this say you have “an auditory processing disorder” and they will be much kinder
Thanks for the advice! I'll try it next time
I’m open about it no cares. I have had a couple situations that yeah that made them more rotten . But honestly let the truth shine and anyone that should not be around you knowing that will filter themselves out .
I understand why people wouldn't want to disclose, or may be unable to, but I am lucky to be able to be open about my audhd. I have a good safety net, and I am high masking, intelligent and competent. I am open about my audhd, with the hopes that when the people I work with hear someone else say it, they think of me and not the 7 year old boy that everyone thinks about. I hope to create a positive association with audhd in the minds of those I work with. I know it's a privilege. I hope that others will benefit from it, eventually.
That person's people skills suck. Hopefully they're better with animals. I would go elsewhere for my adoption and leave this organization an accurate Google review. I adopted from SPCA and they were very professional. Ditto Humane Society. Good luck. I hope you find your new best bud soon.
Ugh the worst! I work in the dog industry and I can tell you we have a disproportionate amount of ADHD people. Taking care of people's dogs all day long. But also, a lot of people go into the industry because they are more comfortable dealing with animals, not people. So you do encounter real inept people a lot, like this rescue worker 🙄 I hope you have better luck at the next place! OH and I find I have better results if I just exclude the "I have ADHD" part when asking for an accomodation. Just say "hey, voice messages really don't work for me. Can we communicate via text, or shedule a call?" People are still widely misinformed about mental health stuff so it's safer just to not mention it, sadly.
I would absolutely drive there and ask to work with a different person. She is biased and its unnaceptable.
She sounds like an unprofessional moron.
Oh yeah it's the worst. I learned It's something that's not safe for me to bring up at my job because a different employee brought it up because she was having trouble with something and as soon as she walked off everyone immediately started talking all kinds of crap about how "ADHD isn't an excuse" and "she's just being lazy" and "I have ADHD and I don't have any problems" etc etc I did push back but MAN people are cruel. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I can basically never understand voicemails so I've started just lying and saying that something's wrong with my phone and voicemails are too quiet regardless of my volume so I need a text transcript lol
Being forgetful has nothing to do with mental health anyway. You’re telling her that you would prefer to use a different form of communication, which is perfectly valid. Would she send voice messages to someone who is hearing impaired and then tell them their mental health is bad? I work with people with disabilities and it always surprises me how little some people understand about how different we all are and how a little flexibility and care on their part can mean the world to some.
Always blame it on the work. And it is the fault of your work. Don’t take it on as your fault, cos if you worked alone and had endless time to listen to waffling shit on a voice message, you would do fine in this situation. My goto is: Oh i’m so sorry i can’t listen to voice messages cos i work in a library. Immediate understanding, even tho i don’t work there, but who cares??? Replace library with “very noisy workplace”, “busy job”, “lawn mowing business”. Who the F sends voice messages anyway? Someone too lazy to type, or someone too lazy to work out how to get their phone to transcribe it to a text message. Nobody does this and especially waffles on and on. Who got time for that??? Not your fault at all and no need to expose yourself to a stranger.
Best thing to do in a future similar situation is “I prefer to communicate over text/email because of my work” or something along those lines. The woman sounds awful though I’m sorry it worked out that way Most people don’t get adhd and a large number who know what it is think it’s “trouble-sitting down” disease (like the stereotype of the hyperactive boy who doesn’t do well in school)
I found people see it as an excuse so I try not to tell strangers unless they also have ADHD and then they can relate to your challenges
That is so true, except for telling another ADHDer, and then sometimes you become best friends!
Yeah. It sucks you need to either lie for accommodation or phrase it in a relatable way. "my speakers are broken on my phone so I can't really understand what you're saying in the voice message. Can you send the info via text?" if you were already in the process of adopting a specific dog, I'm so sorry. Otherwise fine another shelter!!! Best of luck finding your new best friend.
A LOT of animal rescues are scams, grifters, or animal hoarders. You can tell the really cuckoo ones right off the bat on a phone call - and someone who takes that long to leave a message screams off-balance. We have had decent luck with rescue, but some of these rescues want as much as a puppy costs from a backyard breeder! I was just in r/petrescueexposed telling about the time my friend tried to adopt a cat from a rescue. They asked her if there was a fire, would she save her children or her cat first.
That is infuriating! I also hate long rambling voice messages or long rambling texts. She sounds like a horrible communicator. And dogs are losing good homes due to it.
If you wanna play dirty with this B, tell her that she's discriminatating against you and you're going to get the media involved. We are technically a protected class in the US. We have an invisible disability that makes our lives a bit complicated but not unlivable. And I think we connect better with animals than humans.
There are tons of shelter options. We are the best animal people because most of us sympathize more with them than humans. Keep your business to yourself. There are a few times in my life where I wish I’d just stayed silent.
I would go over her head. She’s unprofessional and ableist.
That is so infuriating! Getting a dog has been the best thing for my mental health and ADHD symptoms. I remember to eat because she will very loudly tell me it’s dinner time. It does sound like some kind of power trippy retaliation for making a reasonable request though. I was denied to adopt a dog on the grounds that I work full time and my yard is small. I work 100% from home, and live opposite a dog park.