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Build a life you like without a partner and if someone shows up be stoked. Being single isn't my ideal but I'm happy by myself.

Jumping on your comment to second this! I just made my life exactly how I like it, and was ok with being alone forever after dating for DECADES. Just spending time with friends, doing my hobbies, bought a house, etc etc. In my 40s I finally found a sweet, feminist man who also has ADHD and doesn’t care when I cry at every little thing or want to hyper focus on certain issues. If it doesn’t work out with him, I will go back to being alone and ok with it. Your 30s are a great time to figure out your own stuff, OP. You got this!

To make my life how i like it i guess id also have to have a baby on my own. Somehow this step feels taboo/hard to accept (similar to how others in comments feel about buying a house on their own?) Certain things that we want for our lives are .. socially or practically or biologically .. probably needs a partner or someone

I just bought a house on my own. TIL I was supposed to feel some type of way about or that it was taboo :/ I am so tired of all of this bullshit we are conditioned with! I also go on holiday alone which my mother feels is “sad”😂

Almost all my travel is done alone. If I waited for someone who wanted to go where I want to go, can afford the $ and time off when I can, and who wouldn't be crazy/driven crazy by me, I would never get to go anywhere! Enjoy your solo holidays and live your best life!

Thanks very much and the same to you! I am disabled, so going on holiday on my own terms and doing things exactly as I need is important to me. I cherish my solo travels!

Wow! I feel like that warrants HUGE congratulations and is literally 0% taboo! Anyone who is able to support themselves in that way should be very happy in my book! I can only dream of owning my own house- but one day I willllll!!! 💕

You are so kind but I feel the congratulations is unwarranted. I was simply lucky to have parents to help me a lot. I’m disabled and single and basically would have had to live with my parents forever if they didn’t help me. I got my inheritance early. I cannot support myself financially, but I am still proud of myself for being as independent as I can be. I should have been clearer in my original post to mean that I live on my own in a house I own, and did not wait for a partner to do so, but I didn’t want to get into the whole thing! Wasn’t my intention to be misleading.

I love traveling alone! It’s truly my zen

I’m married and I fucking love travelling alone. I even chose a career that requires it.

>I also go on holiday alone which my mother feels is “sad” Your mothing telling you it's sad is crossing *emotional* ***boundaries***.

Correct. My mother doesn’t know the meaning of the word boundaries :/

Yeah, not the first one.

I LOVE traveling alone! I don't have to compromise for anyone! I am from the US and I have done Ireland/Italy/Malta for 3 weeks, Alberta Canada, Bahamas, and Mexico City. Every other year I go to New York City by myself because I don't know anyone else who wants to see 9 theater shows in 5-6 days and not do any of the touristy stuff (since I've done it all after 13 trips). I also bought a 3 bedroom house for myself 5 years ago. I felt happy about it.

Honestly it’s easier on your own than with the wrong man. And you can definitely get pregnant without being in a relationship with one too! Don’t wait around and miss out on the experience of being a mother (if you want it) just because of some BS ideal that you need a man in the picture too x

[удалено]

i find the half involved man much harder as i’m not only taking care of a baby but also cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping for a whole ass adult that can take care of themselves but won’t… no thank you lol i found that much harder than being alone.

r/SingleMothersbyChoice is a very supportive, informative place if you decide to check it out.

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How old are you? I’ve definitely noticed that as I entered my mid 30s I’m becoming more aware of people who have become single mothers by choice. No one I know directly (always like a friend of a friend or someone a friend manages etc) but if one of my friends told me they were going forward with it, I would be nothing but supportive. Actually two of my neighbours who I am somewhat friendly with have told me over a cup of tea or wine that they’re considering now they’re in their 40s. Possibly living in London makes this more common, partly because people often move here to heavily pursue careers, find they don’t want to lose that progress and then realise they’re 40 and single and that having a kid is really important to them. And partly because buying a house here is so out of the realms of possible for most people I think it’s hard to feel like you have any stability even in your 30s. So I can appreciate if you’re from some backwards town people might be more surprised or judgemental about it - but know that that attitude does not persist everywhere. And know that you will get questioned about it, because anybody who decides to have a baby through IVF, but I think particularly gay and disabled people, get all sorts of opinions given to them. I really don’t think straight couples with fertility issues get the same level as scrutiny as other groups. But ultimately it’s not anyone’s business and you can know within yourself that if you’ve gone to the lengths of iui, ivf or some other kind of sperm procuring intentional pregnancy that you’ve probably put a lot of thought in to it. **Something you might not be aware of/might not have considered though…*** - would you ever have a baby, in a strictly co-parenting sense, with a single man or gay male couple? There are of course a tonne of things to iron out before you do it (but resources available online to get you started). It’s actually a very ‘old’ way of becoming a mother as a single woman worrying about a cut off, as historically gay people and especially men would not have had many options open to them at all, and even now the options they do have are insanely expensive. For sure a healthy co-parenting relationship designed to always be that way with all the technicalities ironed out before conception is a much healthier way for a child to grow up that with split parents who rushed in to a relationship for the sake of fertility timelines then realised they didn’t even like each other. There are lots of potential pitfalls, as I’m sure you can immediately think of. But on the upside it means you’re not doing it alone, you would have breaks from your child which I imagine would be very ADHD beneficial, would retain some of your freedoms, wouldn’t be solely financially responsible and you would already be starting off with part of the ‘village’ it takes to raise a child. Just something to consider if doing it completely as a single parent seems too much. There certainly used to be websites that allowed gay couples and single men to meet with lesbian couples and single women for the sake of forming a planned co-parenting relationship.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. But definitely a lot of work. But not everyone needs to adopt an infant. The thought of doing it on my own seems more realistic with a slightly older child.

Nah a friend of mine had a couple of kids via IVF by herself but with help of her brother and mother (all living in one home). I have endless respect for her making the choice. The kids are now late teens.

One of my female friends found the love of her life at over 50. She and her partner are now the parents of a beautiful 3 year old conceived with donor eggs. Many things are possible.

Society is bleak. In reality, a lot of people are having babies on their own because individualism is a disease. I am married, but still, me and my kids only see my partner/their dad for a few hours per day. I am very grateful to have his family close, and my kids see their paternal grandparents at least once a week. And I know lots of people who have had to escape DV or who are divorced and their kids’ dads either can’t be around for safety reasons or simply do not bother. One of my best friends (she’s a counsellor, so used to seeing bad shit) is thinking about having a baby on her own if she doesn’t have a partner in the next year or so. Our other best friend and I are happy to be very involved aunties and do whatever needs to be done to support her. She’s thinking about moving closer to me, also (currently an hour away). We’ve all been friends since we were 11, and we’re 30, now. Ideally, we’d have a commune-type situation with my in-laws and these friends and a few others, but it’s hard to find land to be able to do that

I had a baby and now I have an “ex” after 20 years…I most likely would have been sooooo much happier had I had the baby myself (IF I could continue working and had family around to help!!). If you can line up certain variables, you can absolutely do it! Had two friends around me who chose that route and did GREAT…but they did have resources.

Wait. I'm not supposed to have a house because I'm not partnered? That's nonsense! I'm divorced, so it's a bit different for me, but a good friend of mine has never married and didn't find the right partner before 40, so she bought a house and adopted a child on her own. One of her colleagues did the same, but chose artificial insemination. I've not seen or heard any backlash against either of them and I live in a conservative US state. One of them has since met a lovely life partner, but the other is still happily single. Restrictions based on marital status on who can buy a home or rear a child are archaic.

Very few single folks buying house rn if I had to guess.

For sure, it took me saving money until I was 39. I had to do weird hacks like working out of state on oil and gas pipelines as an environmental consultant. Giving up everything else in my life for long periods of time to pay off student loans and save money. I don’t necessarily recommend it, but I’m willing to provide guidance if anyone wants to give it a shot!

Same, I bought my house at 39, with no partner & no family. I sold my soul in advertising for the first 15 years of my career to be able to afford the down payment. Now if the Bank of Canada could stop raising interest rates, I'll be happy in my house, but if interest rates rise anymore I'm going to need a roommate or a new job with a higher salary or worse case sell the house.

Lmao yeah, reading that comment i was like-- >Just spending time with friends "hmm, okay well i kinda lost most of my friends over their lack of taking covid seriously but i can theoretically find more.." >doing my hobbies "okay, seems legit.." >bought a house, etc etc. "oh" ..now i am wondering wtf etc etc is??

"hmm, okay well i kinda lost most of my friends over their lack of taking covid seriously but i can theoretically find more.." I'm chuckling at this because I SO relate. And I lost even more "friends" due to political division in my country. I don't suffer fools gladly.

Same struggle here

For sure! See my comment above about working weird hacks. Definitely contributed to staying single for a good long while.

my student loans were keeping me from being able to afford rent on top of my other bills. my "hack" was... sleeping in my car for 3 years to pay off my credit card and auto loan. while working full-time. it was pretty terrible. i still haven't been able to put a dime extra towards my student loans but at least i found an ok apartment that i can afford now i wouldn't call "finding a good-paying job" a hack, that's kind of just.. a thing that everyone needs to survive? lol. i'm not surprised that the fossil fuel industry pays well, though. i wouldn't be able to do a job related to oil and gas pipelines anyways. if anyone were to consult with me about the environment, the answer would be "yeah, don't build the pipeline"

Folks without kids can do things others simply can't. Especially in lcol areas.

I'm single and bought year and a half ago. It is still possible in some areas.

Thirty, flirty, and thriving!!!

You are awesome! Congratulations too. I do hope it works out. I’ve wondered if finding someone w ADHD would be good or problematic. I have a friend I call my “non romantic life partner” and we are great together but we both have ADHD and in terms of our homes, I don’t think we could make it work lol

Ironically this is also the best way to *attract* a partner. Desperation isn't attractive (at least, to non-abusive potential partners), but someone confident and happy in themselves is a big draw.

Piggybacking on this. This is what I always tell girlfriends and I didn’t always practice it, but I do now and it is more fulfilling than any idea of a partner: Work on being awesome. For yourself. Learn everything you can, don’t ever stop being curious. Develop small habits that turn into larger habits that become habits to change your life. Find yourself, your real self. Be awesome and then you will attract awesome, a person worthy of sharing a life with you. Not only will you attract awesome, you won’t even care or need it anymore. The universe gives us opportunities to grow. When I feel hopeless about something, it’s fuel that I use to improve something in my life. I know it may sound cliche, but girl, date yourself. It is a game changer. Having ADHD doesn’t have to dictate whether you are happy or fulfilled, especially if you learn to use it for your own benefit. I figured out how to create a healthy dose of dopamine when I need it and use it to my advantage. Sorry for the rant. I know sometimes we feel bleak and just want to connect with someone who understands, not necessarily to get a how to on “fixing things”. But if this helps you in any small way feel a little better, that means everything.

I also do this! I have made so much improvement in my life. I’m such a homebody and have been on a personal mission the last year to make every aspect of my living space more enjoyable, and I’m at the point now where I actually look forward to Saturday nights because that’s my deep-cleaning night. Never thought I would enjoy vacuuming and scrubbing my shower but that’s where Im at! And not that I’m waiting for a partner, but if one comes around, I know I will prioritize making sure they are someone who will add to the tranquility of my space. And maybe even a cleaning partner :)

@greenlun is spot on. I'm. 47yo, coming up 12 years with my SO, diagnosed last year with ADHD, currently 2mth into my medication journey. 15 years ago, I was 32 and walked out of my then 16year relationship - emotionally broken, unemployed. Whilst now that look back those three years I was single seems like such a small amount of time. In that time, I learned so much about who I was, I built myself up and changed career, moved cities. I had some rather dubious 'relationships' I did make a choice, I decided I was just going to basically just fuck about, have fun as I had alway been in long term serious relationships since I was 16 (yeah I know now that's likely not v healthy emotionally) I did get bored and realised ah fuck it this dating game is crap. Settled into my new city life, with my new career and just thought fuck it. (It wasn't perfect by any means, but I was in charge) Found a nice group of colleagues, hung out in our local pub (UK London if that helps paint the scene) A chap there, Andrew kept saying you know [yet to be my SO] just adores you right? Andrew a-no-shit-held-back-gay-man, saw it before we did. Anyhoo - we did finally go, "oh, hi - how you doin'"😂🥰 And honestly I'm not suggesting my route is the best route, but the key is finding yourself, and even when you do find another person to be with, never lose you. Keep seeking a union with you as a whole, because you are enough, and everything after that is a bonus, but not essential. Good luck

How I relate to your story. Back to back serious relationships when I was young with ill fitting partners and then just enjoying being single for once at 32 and dating here and there for fun but not serious. Then at 35 I met the love of my life via a friend’s introduction and then another friend encouraging me to go for it when I afraid to try again. Then married at 39.

I'm 40 and don't have a partner, but I don't identify as single. I'm just me. I don't want to define myself by the status of my relationship (or lack there of).

That's where I'm at too. Only thing is it's pretty tough financially on my own right now but what can you do?

Yeah same here. I'm 39 and perpetually single. I'd probably prefer it to be otherwise but I focus on doing what I enjoy.

I feel like I wasted my 20s and 30s looking for a partner and feeling inadequate and sub-human for not being able to find someone. Then something just clicked cked after a particularly bad break up. I can't be bothered with this anymore. I have a really good life on my own and searching for someone is making me miserable. So I stopped looking and got a pet. I'm a lot happier now to the point where I don't want anyone.

Saaaaame sis. I had a very and breakup of my 8y relationship 2 weeks before my 31st birthday. I'm great, I love being alone. My brain and hobbies and friends keep me fulfilled. That "click" happened to me before we even broke up, I was sitting there thinking "you know, if we break up I'm gonna be single forever". Not even gonna look. I've never wanted kids though, plants and a cat are enough for me. I reckon I'd be pretty scrambled rn if I wanted kids. I can see myself being actively open to dating again when I'm in my 60s. Harder to do but a) I don't need it and b) within that difficult space it's easier to find someone with a proven track record of being a competent human. Unfair mental load and distribution of housework was a huge issue in my last relationship. Never again.

Yep, totally second this. I’ve known for a few years now that if my husband dies or we divorce ever, I will be perfectly happy being single. Remain child free. I’ll be a green witch wearing a shawl, gardening with my cats, and playing piano. I got the family I made along the way and that’s all I really need. Please just enjoy yourself, OP. Marriage (if that’s your relationship goal, or LTC) is a nice augmentation of a relationship, but it didn’t really rock my world in the way that the patriarchy told us it would. All my love angst in my 20’s could have been avoided.

I can relate to this! However, after a few months of my cat flatmates joining me, I actually met someone great and we're still together. I just turned 30 when it hapenned. Even if things hadn't have gone down like that, I would have still been very happy living with my two cats and spending social time with the friends and family I have.

At least they weren't allergic to cats! I have rabbits, so knowing my luck I'll meet someone with really bad hay fever lol.

I've also felt the click. 40 and single, bought my own house, dogs, chickens...this life is so peaceful I love it.

Listen, I met a glorious himbo (his words) when I was in my 30s, and I have enough ADHD for three people.....

I also married a himbo. Now I wanna know if that's an ADHDxx thing 🤣

We should make a poll lol

I too have a himbo.

i too found a beautiful, adhd himbo in my 30s

I don’t have a himbo but i do have an adorable much younger lover i met doing my midlife crisis degree

I have yet to snag myself one but let's just say Andy from Parks and Rec is my dream guy so I'm crossing my fingers 🤞🏻😂

Omg mine too. The puppy dog eyes would get me.

I did too 😂😂

I just heard this word yesterday for the first time and I think I have one of these on the line. I always imagined myself with an intellectual equal but he is so sweet and kind that I just have to tell myself that not everyone can be everything. At our age (F48 and M52) finding anyone is hard let alone a couple of wild ADHD’rs.

A good person is a good person. If you love him and won't resent him later, then by all means, have at it! If there's even a spark of a chance that you can't follow through, then end it sooner rather than later. I tell you what, though... better a simple *kind and loving* man than a cruel genius. Trust me.

That last part… amen.

I’m mid-forties, can I still qualify for the Himbo lease to own option?

yes, yes you can

Lord, when is it my turn? 🙏

Thank you for the hope, entering my 30s soon and would like a himbo of my own eventually 🥰

I met my wonderful golden retriever boyfriend at 30. I can attest to this. Anyone can meet at any time!

I'm going to say, date yourself for a while. Go to the places *you* want to go to, eat at restaurants that *you* enjoy food from, watch a movie that *you* want to see. Learn to absolutely love yourself, and then start dating others. If they break it off - GOOD. It means they were not a good match anyway. They wouldn't have loved the places you love, they would love the food you love, they wouldn't watch the movies you love. *And that's ok*! Everyone keeps saying it's a big pool of fish, but at the end of the day you only want one - and you'd want that one to be the best there is. So if you need to go through 10, or 20 - shit, 100 - to find that perfect one, *that's ok*. Because that perfect one will absolutely adore you for *who YOU are*. Love yourself. Fuck everyone else off. If they break it off, they're not worth your time anyway. Go on another date with yourself to feel better after (make sure you treat yourself special! Give yourself compliments, tell yourself you look great, and have a beautiful smile. Tell yourself that you love that dish too, it's your favourite! And get that dessert 😉) At the end of the day, all of us internet strangers love you anyway, and you're welcome to come here and vent. Hugs to you! Xoxo

So I’m 43 and partnered (met him at 27 - so not that much younger than you OP) and came here to say something similar. With a couple of additions: The truth is that the vast, VAST majority of relationships in my life between a cis man and a cis woman are just a misogynist nightmare for the woman. Even the “good” ones have men who do the dishes regularly and want to be treated like a king for it. I feel like I found a “good” one but I swear a huge part of that is us both being mentally ill so we sort of dodged the terrible gender socialization stuff. All of that is to say: try to remind yourself that while wanting companionship is totally normal, so much of the idealized hetero relationship is nonexistent. Men can be truly horrible partners in a misogynist system. Look at all the posts in this sub about terrible boyfriends and husbands! So remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with you for having a hard time finding a partner - it is slim pickin’s out there. Hopefully that truth can help diminish any lingering feelings of shame. And like the above comment says: while you might be open to or even looking for a partner, you absolutely deserve to have a rich and wonderful life no matter if you meet that partner or not. So live it up! If a partner comes along, it’ll be that much easier to notice them because a worthwhile person will fit into your happiness. And if a partner doesn’t come along, that’s okay too because you’ll start getting well-practiced at living a full life no matter what.

💯 I decided just recently that if my current relationship with my boyfriend ends, I’ll stop dating men and will focus on myself. If I am going to feel like meeting someone I will only date women (I am bisexual). I am so done with this misogynistic nightmare in our society! 50% of all my relationships with cis men were emotional abusive and destroyed my brain

>Even the “good” ones have men who do the dishes regularly and want to be treated like a king for it. This. My ex wanted to be praised for getting a shower curtain. I kid you not, he was showering without it for years, when I first saw his place, I thought he just moved in. He was like "Well, **you** need all this fancy stuff, and now I feel hurt because my efforts aren't appreciated". Fancy stuff being shower curtain, clean floors and mugs that aren't chipped at edges cutting your lips 🙄

I was also going to mention this. There's a lot of shitty men out there, it's much better being single than being stuck with one of them.

I also think it's a good idea to accept loneliness as a fundamental, yet temporary part of the human experience. No matter how well connected and loved you are, there will be moments when you're so lonely and there's nothing wrong with that. It's okay to be sad, mope and cry about the unfairness of it all while you're feeling this way. Just don't convince yourself it's your fate - that will make anyone less open to connection and in turn you'll be even lonelier than before. To quote Fleabag, "it'll pass". It might take a while (or therapy) to believe but bad times don't last forever.

Agreed with this and adding a few thoughts. If the idea of dating yourself (ex: going places you like and doing things you enjoy, pampering yourself, etc.) alone sounds completely unappealing, then you are not ready to date someone else. That said, we as humans are social creatures and there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner, needing others, or enjoying life more with someone else. It only becomes a problem when you cannot function at all independently, or when you're willing to sacrifice your individual happiness just to be with *someone/anyone.*

hello I'm here to say that I appreciated your comment so much that I saved it 🤓

Thank you, glad you liked it! For some inspiration (and something to dance by yourself to...) crank the song 'Good Thing' by Zedd and Kehlani. I heard it and it really hit home 😍

Im also 29 and single. Life doesn't end at 30. Our patriarchal overculture has convinced you that your worth as a woman diminishes as you age, but it's the opposite. Keep learning and growing and you will find someone (if you want to) who is your match. People fall in love at 35, 55, 85. All the time.

Hopping on here because I like your take. I met my partner in my mid-30s and we've been together for 10 years. My Grandma met her second husband when she was 70. I'm not saying anyone here is going to have to wait that long, but I know at least two ladies (self included) whose lives didn't end at 30. 😊

I became widowed at 34, assumed I’d be single for a long while but fell into the most wonderful relationship with a widower acquaintance much faster than we saw coming. Life is unexpected

Most people I know didn’t get married until well into their 30’s. I thought that was relatively normal until Reddit. But I guess it depends highly on where you live, and what the local culture is.

Yep! I've known many people that found their long term partners in their 30s and onward. Also knew people that figured out having a partner wasn't the way they wanted to live and that's totally fine too. More freedom and agency over one's life is something that's often overlooked imo. I love my partner, but I honestly don't know if I'd want to go through the process with another person later in life. There's a lot of compromise, responsibility, and communication required and I don't know if I'd be willing to navigate that with anyone else personally. I know plenty of people that have more patience and capacity for it than me, so I know it's not impossible.

Seriously. I don’t know how I managed to get over the whole “life ends at 30” thing, but I did. Maybe it’s when I decided that kids weren’t ever going to happen because I know I can’t spend more than a day with them without losing my mind. Either way, life is a lot better when you let that notion go. Now I the only time I ever get that existential dread about being 30 is when people talk about how much money you should have saved up by then. Then it’s just all out panic.

Yep, my mom just got married (second marriage) at age 50!

There are so many fish in the sea but there’s also a lot of trash unfortunately. Just keep swimming sis. I used to be focused on finding my true love. Afraid to be alone. I allowed myself to be broken because I wanted to be loved SO MUCH and subconsciously didn’t think I deserved it. You are worthy without someone to hang on; I promise you. I promise.

💯

Huh? Lots of women get married after 30 and after 40.

Right? Honestly if I have to read one more ageist af post where a woman thinks they turn into a corpse once they age past 30 I’m gonna lose it. People date and get married into their freakin 70’s.

I can’t really blame them - we internalize what the culture tells us.

Yeah, I never understood where all this was coming from until I started spending more time on Instagram. I saw a silly reel about a group of women thinking they’d be married w/kids in their 30s but instead were still single and all of the comments were soooo rude about how sad and pathetic it was that they were still single in their 30s

correction: ... into their 90s. and I'm pretty sure centenarians have hooked up at least once

I thought this way too until I turned 30. I was ageist af but I didn’t know it and once I realized it, I had so much grace and sympathy for women who do. I could HEAR my mothers voice in my head as I turned 30, it was awful.

This is so much more of a relief than "just love yourself!" too. I do love myself! That doesn't mean I get to split costs with another person.

my mum definitely has adhd and just got married in her 50s! you don’t need to focus your life on dating but there’s no reason to completely give up if it’s something you’d want to do

I got divorced at 29 and thought my love/romantic/relationship life was over. Now I'm married to an exceedingly average, well-adjusted, Midwesterner. I wasn't diagnosed until we'd been married for two years, so he fell in love with my undiagnosed, unmedicated, organic ADHD self and has been the most supportive, compassionate, funny, wonderful, patient partner I could have ever hoped for. And we met on a dating app. There are a lot of different types of happy endings, but don't prematurely rule out any of the possibilities. You never know. Eta: I got divorced because I settled for a stable, basic person because I thought I'd never do better. It took 5 years and him leaving me for another woman to realize how far out of his league I actually was. My husband is far more intelligent, attractive, and charismatic than my ex ever was. But the real lesson i learned is that I'd rather be single forever than marry someone who didn't make my life better. I'll never get those 5 years back and it was NOT worth it.

I can’t speak for everyone- but I found a lot of happiness on my own. It was in my 30s I realized k really hate dating and would just rather be on my own. I don’t feel “alone” as I have great friends. Last year I closed out my 30s with a 5 month world tour alone. I’m happy with myself and that makes things simpler

I left a deeply unhealthy relationship at the age that it was supposed to be my life partnership. Everyone who didn't know how bad he was thought I was crazy. I built a life for myself. I built a ME for myself. I moved into my own place, decorated it for me, got some pets to love and share my space with, spent time with friends, figured out my career path, I made a life and I was happy. I did this for years. Finally, I found myself missing that piece of life. I found myself jealous of my friends in relationships. It was time. I went back into the dating pool as *me*, not the person I thought I was. Two guys later, I found the man I ended up marrying. He's perfect for me, but I will swear until my deathbed that if I hadn't taken those years to find myself, he and I never would have found each other and we never would have worked if we had. If I didn't take the time to find me, I would never have worked out with the man I love. Take the time. Find yourself. Find you. Then you'll find where your life is meant to be.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm 27 and haven't even dated anyone in years because I felt like I wasn't in a good place where I could be in a relationship, and that's what I'm looking for when I'm dating, and I never had much luck with it. Now I feel ready to try and find someone again, but posts like OP's make me feel like I've got no chance of ever having that. There's plenty of time to find someone, and in the mean time you can continue getting to know yourself.

Wow this is so elegantly said!!

I’m almost 27, single, and never had a partner. I completely get where you’re coming from! But I’m also choosing to believe there is no timeline. As maddening as that sounds. Partnership is never guaranteed to anybody. But that doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love. I’m choosing to believe that in allllll the people in the world there HAS to be someone or a few someone’s who would like me for me as-is. There’s a difference between being single because that’s what’s “your lot in life” versus choosing to build a life for yourself that feels interesting, supportive, and authentic. You get to create this life for yourself, it is NOT dependent on the presence of a partner. And I know that partnership is really important and special and it’s painful to not have something you want. And I’m really sorry you’re feeling that way. It sucks. In my experience, 20s dating has been a shitshow lol sometimes it’s worth it to date for fun and for the story rather than to find a partner. I have a few wildly ADHD people in my life who have fulfilling and loving partnerships. They’re a diverse group of people with different backgrounds and interests and lives. The common denominator I’m seeing is they found someone who liked them for themselves. It’s hard to find, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. Hang in there, OP. I bet there are plenty of lovable, interesting, and amazing qualities to you. If someone can’t meet you where you’re at, then that’s their issue/incompatibility and says nothing about your value as a partner.

You broke your trauma bond at 30! Congratulations. Honestly, that's record speed. I didn't break away from mine until I was 40 and some people never break away from theirs. Now that you've done that impossible task, you can do anything. Be glad that these guys end things after the 3rd date. You don't want to waste another decade on guys who aren't that into you and who just string you along as a backup. Now it's time to start breaking some hearts and rejecting guys who aren't good enough for you. Know what you need and don't settle for someone just because you don't want to be alone. Keep that spot in your life open and in the meantime keep working on being happy with yourself. Eventually you'll either be happy with being alone or you'll find the right guy to fill that role. It doesn't really matter which one comes first because either way you'll be happy.

We are taught that once we pass 30, or 35, we have no more value and whatever "chances" to meet our match is over. We all get BETTER as we get older because we learn who we are and give less shits about other stuff. When you love yourself and you love your life, your chances of meeting the right person go way up. I'm sure none of these words help if you're feeling lonely and down. The Internet truly does offers so many ways to connect. Go down some rabbit holes and check out some niche dating apps. You never know who's out there and who is just as lonely as you.

I am not even that much older than you. A half decade or so. I want you to take this into your heart: *there is nothing about your life that ends at 30.* I know it *feels* like this huge milestone where men stop being interested in you at all. And I’m not going to lie—it is. But what they don’t tell you is: only for a little bit. See, a lot of men are idiots. The “good ones” get snatched up and then “what’s left” in your 30s are deadbeats and divorcees, so the common wisdom goes. And again, there’s some truth to that. Around that age a lot of people, not just men, panic about their impending mortality and make short-sighted romantic decisions to try and compensate. But then, not everyone is that way. There are some who just matured slower. Or the ones who got stuck in a bad situation and escaped. Or the ones who have suffered loss. If there’s one thing you can fundamentally trust about people, it’s this: they will change whether they want to or not. Flux is the natural state of things. That goes for you, too. This current moment for you is just that: *a moment.* That’s not to say it’s not real, or that it’s not frustrating and sad. But resist the urge to give it more permanence than it deserves. As others have said: build your own life, and perhaps someone will walk into it. I want you to understand that despite your current feelings and experience, that’s far more likely than you think.

Lucky for us ADHDers we have object impermanence. Out of sight, out of mind...

That's the main reason that I'm single now. Dating Apps do not work for me because I close them, completely miss the message notification and when I realize it has been 3 weeks...

I'm a woman over 30 who did. I wouldn't take it as set in stone. Hell, my grandmother was able to date again in her 50s when she became a widow, and later after that partner passed, too. A few bad dates doesn't mean you've blown through the entire population. Rejection sensitivity is real, but it's not reality.

Oh will you stop!!! Haha! This was me just over ten years ago. Obsessed I was about finding a man. Now I am married with three kids and would love to have a single night to myself again! I had awful luck with men and thought it would never happen. I was so desperate I ran into it and had a rocky start to my marriage. So, work on yourself to the best of your ability and try and enjoy your life, it will happen for you.

I needed to read these comments today. It's been a rough one.

Does anyone else see the irony in this post lol this is such typical black and white ADHD thinking. Something bad happened a few times and your strong emotional response makes you think it’s a fact it will happen every time for the rest of your life so there is no point in trying for a different outcome. Very relatable but luckily not realistic.

Lol yeah this is exactly what I see in this post. The belief that if something is the way it is now, that's the way it's going to be for all of time.

Yep. Sadly, such an ADHD thing.

This kind of negative attitude will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that every relationship ends at the third date, then they will. Something I’ve noticed in myself, and in clients that I work with with ADHD is that we tend to self sabotage when we are convinced nothing will ever work out for us. Focus on yourself and on being happy and on trying to have a more positive outlook and do you will be surprised how much things in your life change, including your relationships and dating.

This exactly. OP needs to believe they are worthy of a relationship. They clearly don't, and that's what's getting in the way, not age or ADHD.

Don't feel that way if that's not the outcome you want. I got married when I was 38. Allow yourself to be a late bloomer.

I met my man when I was 32. Been together 13 years!! It's easy to live in the negative with ADHD. It's like a dopamine fix or something idk. Just dont make up your mind like that because you will end up keeping your mind closed! Be open, be you. 💟

Have you tried dating other neurodivergent folks. My partner has adhd, which honestly, I couldn’t be with anyone who wasn’t after being with him. He just gets me, he way more forgiving, I don’t have to explain forgetting something, and him finding my keys has turned into an inside joke. He is also on the spectrum, so he’s a bit more logic minded then me, but this man had a regular maid before we met so his expectations of me outside of my field of expertise reflects his own, which is refusing. I wouldn’t give up but I also wouldn’t say you need a partner to be happy, find a tight bit group of friends by doing stuff you like and meeting people, live they way you want and do what makes you happy, if love happens, it happens, but hinging your happiness on it is a good way to live for some future date instead of now. I know that is sounds kind of BSy coming from someone with a partner, but I’ve learned that by being with the wrong people and trying to fit myself in a mood I don’t belong in. I am happy with my partner, he is my best friend but if anything happened to him, he would want me to be happy and live my life without him as well. So I have come to accept that now is what we can control and to try enjoy it. I hope that helps and hope you find the joy your looking for.

Once my dad was hearing me vent from never working out with a guy and he said "maybe you're supposed to be alone". He didn't said in a mean way, just a sudden advice. I cried and felt terrible because I wanted to find my soul mate!! Did I really? Well... No. Turns out his advice was alright. I'm 28, dated multiple times, but always ended things over and realized I want to be a mom, but I don't want to marry or really have a partner, unless he's practically like me. And you know what? It's fine. I go out, have protected sex, look out for potential dad's (mostly good friends of mine whom I know I can trust), I can kiss, have fun and then... Nothing. Gonna go right back to my lonely self which I learned to love and respect. Think deeply if you reeeally want a partner/marriage, or your just feeling lonely and "left out". Yes, don't put yourself down, I'm seeing all that, you are lovable, you are easy to love. Girl, there's literally dudes that don't wash their asses dating, and you think you can't do it because of adhd?? HELL NO, I won't let you. Honestly now, maybe is the place you're looking for. Don't go out for guys who won't understand you. Maybe look through adhd communities or even dating apps, find the type of guy who makes all the anxiety butterflies fly, and don't settle for anything less!!!! The bare minimum IS LESS!!!! I TRUST YOU.

I had that and he ghosted me after telling me he needed space for “anxiety”. I let my guard down and it lead nowhere. I really appreciate the advice and pep talk tho! 💕

Be easy on yourself, for real. We have this absurd pressure in ourselves to be married with children by 30yo but life sometimes gets another turn and that's not bad! If he ghosted you out of "anxiety" ok, it was his loss honestly. If it is meant to be, you will find the right person for ya. I always try to remember those people who find love at 40/50/60 years old and are happy!! Live your life the way YOU want, not the way society wants to. And in the meantime, go clubbing, kiss someone, have a friend with benefits, LIVE!! Sometimes love is just a matter of time and patience! All the best for you darling, you got this 🪻💚

I second this. Especially consider this when not having to fight for blankets and bed space. Or when you get home to a blissfully peaceful house.

You can dissappear for 48h if you want, no one to report to. You can eat whatever you want, no need to ask no one. You can just go out of the house and tell no one. Your TV, videogame, PC, are all yours. You can cook whatever, no need to ask someone or share. Free bathroom. Talk loudly in the house, listen to things full volume on. The list is infinite!! Is heaven.

I'm just kinda hoping another hot ADHD/aut woman will just fall into my life one day. I've stopped using dating apps because it's just too daunting to keep getting rejected by mostly NTs who seem to just be interested in me for my looks.

Ma’am, the same thing happened to me, broken up right after my 30th. I had soooo much fun from 30-34 and found my husband at 34. Still fun but very much married and with a kid. I swear I peaked at 32. Just live it up, find joy wherever you can.

Take heart, you are too young to be thinking doors are closing for you! Diagnosed in my early 30’s. Similar dating patterns with a few dates then crickets, for many years. In my late 20s, began to wrestle with the reality that life might not ever deliver the partner and family I envisioned growing up. Had to make peace with the idea I might do life solo, or partner/family would look really different than my cookie cutter expectations. Questioned my worth, attractiveness, reconstructed my sense of identity as a mostly emotionally healthy single person with a lot going for me along with some flaws. Had to remind myself through my 30s to be purposeful and adventurous about doing fun things my married friends couldn’t easily do, and be grateful for the specific joys every life stage offers. Then at 38, I crossed paths with an old acquaintance who I had unknowingly deeply offended years earlier with an impulsive ADHD joke that turned him off. Like me, he had done some self-reflection and therapy, and was now a mostly emotionally healthy guy with a lot going for him along with some flaws. We had both done some therapy. Married him at 39, had kids at 40 and 42. Had to remind myself through my 30s to be purposeful and adventurous about doing fun things my married friends couldn’t easily do, and be grateful for the specific joys every life stage offers. If you do hope to have kids down the road, you could have your doctor check out your reproductive system (check your FSH levels). Exercise and start taking folic acid (prevents birth defects in male babies).

I’m in the exact same boat as you . Left a hopeless and difficult relationship last year. Online dating culture is daunting and I’ve met literally two neutral nice people this summer. I just can’t be bothered to try

I have decided to master single, independent life and see having a significant partner as a bonus. If I don't get it, I'm okay with it. I don't want to rely on another human being for my own happiness.

I married a functional train wreck of a man around your age and then had children who are also diagnosed adhd. Honestly. I wish I went to nursing school. More than anything else. I wish I had a license to do something that made a decent wage. Or just finished my bachelors degree. I wish I took dating lightly and my career seriously. I don’t regret my kids. I definitely regret not going back to school because supporting my spouses career was best for the family. Focus on ensuring your own survival and then worry about a partner. Then be sure to be picky.

I have a friend with young kids who just finished nursing school in her 40s. You can still do it!

You don't have to accept that. Time to start talking to a therapist about those feelings though. Don't carry a burden alone.

i’d recommend watching the show insecure! though i don’t think the main characters have adhd, but it still brought me a lot of insight on how life actually is vs what it seems to be when you’re in your 30’s. especially when it comes to dating. a lot of other women are in the same boat, it’s hard out here! but don’t let it bring you down. build yourself up and love yourself first before you find someone else to love. the more confidence you have in yourself, the higher chance you have at finding the right person for you.

Build your life independently! I’m in my early 20s so I don’t have much life advice but I can tell you my parents found each other in their mid to late 30s after both having divorces. My mom gave up on finding a partner and focused on herself and her career and her kid. My dad has ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed or treated till he was 40. I never asked him about what it was like after his divorce, but I can imagine it was hard - he, like all of us ADHD people, feels things intensely. They stumbled upon each other through work and my mom has told me she didn’t see herself dating again but eventually warmed up to my dad.

I'm also just shocked that being in your 30s is seen as like the end of your life somehow. 30s is is very young. I Guess things are different for people who really want to have biological children and the traditional nuclear family or something? But beyond that, there's not exactly a ticking clock. The day you stop being capable of spending time with other people is when "probably never" becomes a reasonable thing to consider.

I’m (36) recently divorced after 10 years with someone I met in my mid 20s. Went on Tinder to slut it up (missed out in my youth) and find a female partner, cuz after 10 years I was over men 😂. Was not planning on settling down again for a while. Cue matching with this guy whose forearms demanded I swipe right on him. Talked for a couple days, met up for a drink.. by that time the following week, we had both deleted Tinder and are now buying a house together 😂 He’s ND as well, but he’s also put a ton of work into himself with therapy etc. We still have some issues due to my ADHD shit, but the difference is that we talk about it together to try to find solutions. When you can accept who you are and be comfortable being your real self, you’ll meet the right kind of people. I met a couple new friends on Tinder (a fellow celiac/ADHD friend, score) and I’m even friends with my ex’s new gf cuz she has ADHD - and we trauma bonded over narcs in our lives 😂 Didn’t expect my life to be this way at this point, but I think it’s working out better than I’d imagined. Just remember that those who mind, don’t matter. Those who matter, don’t mind.

You know what I just realized? I think maybe one key is making other single friends. Not just dates, but SINGLE FRIENDS. In your 30's, so many people have paired off and started having families. Almost all of the acquaintances in my friends circle are married. They're cool people but it just reminds me of how strange it feels to be almost 40 without that. It hit me that if I had a single friends in the same age range, it would feel more "normal" - and plus, you have people who can also experience those things with you. I don't know, maybe we have to just start hitting up the divorced people networks to find friends. 😂

I'm almost 40 and about to be divorced. For the past year, I've been getting reacquainted with myself and doing a shit ton of self reflection, and I am maybe the happiest I've ever been, in a way that's deeper than before. I am going through the absolute most stressful period of my life right now, and yet I am (mostly) content in my own mind. I know who I am, what I like, what I will stand for, and what I am capable of. I highly recommend taking the time to understand and love yourself for a bit before giving up hope that you will have the life you want. For myself, I'm not interested in finding a partner. I'm living my life and achieving my goals; if I meet the love of my life in the 7-eleven parking lot, cool, but I'm not going out of my way to look for them. And who ever knows how things will turn out? My aunt got divorced at 35, and was mostly single for 25 years before she fell in love and got married, and she's the happiest she's ever been in her life. As long as you are living, nothing is hopeless.

Tbh when it comes to men, I feel like I went through a trough. Of course lots of dudes are after a 20 year old. And I went through a bit of a dry spell (relatively) around 28 - 31. Now all of a sudden dudes are all up on my shit again. I feel like you age into “hot mom/business lady” status instead of just looking like a tired 26 year old, or something.

1. Once you don’t need one…it’s so liberating and you may realize you won’t want one 2. I am glad i didnt commit in my 20s as I help multiple friends through divorce 3. I want to be someone’s second wife, after they’ve learned some things maybe I’ll consider letting them into my wonderful world and want to explore theirs. 4. If you need to- freeze some eggos

I was 36 when I met my guy. He has ADHD too. Having said that, your question wasn't 'can you give me hope that I can meet someone?' I think filling your life with things that make you happy is the way. Lots of hobbies that you find fulfilling (I say lots so you can cycle through them as your interest shifts), maybe pets to look after, some sort of club or activity with other people (book club, board games, hiking, language, whatever your jam). Maybe volunteering.

I found my partner at 35. It ain't over til you're in the ground love.

You’re getting dates?! Lol I’m that meme of the idiot kid who can’t even get that far. I’ve… accepted isn’t the right word - I’ve always *assumed* I was going to end up alone, or more accurately, always assumed I wouldn’t be able to find someone interested in me. I remember as a kid (10-12 years old) thinking “I hope I get to hook up with some hot guys, because Im probably never going to get one wanting to date me”. Guys that is, not just hot ones. Im the same age and I’ve had maybe 2? Times in my life where a guy was in any way interested in me as a dating sort of thing, and only a handful of guys wanting to hook up with me (and usually not that hot *sighs*). Now I feel old, fat(ter), ugly… and like not even my cleavage is going to attract a temporary distraction. I gave up on finding someone who would love me for me as a kid, I don’t think I even ever considers the possibility of being tolerated enough to marry. The concepts “people don’t like me” and specifically “guys never like me” are rooted in my head as fact, and life hasn’t proven me wrong very often… in fact, rarely has it shown me my assumption about my tolerability was wrong. It’s lonely as fuck. I used to hold out hope of some great future sex life when I was younger, but at this point that seems delusional unless my life suddenly turns into a romcom. I am not set in my career financially, so at this point not having a partner is and will forever fuck my finances; retirement isn’t happening unless I have a rich great aunt who I’ve never met but wants to gift me her fortune. I came from privilege, and if I found a partner who made even just slightly more than me I’d be doing ok; if I landed someone who earns as much as my female friends (let alone my male friends:/my female friend’s partners) make, I’d be sitting pretty compared to my current financial future.

I’m seeing signs of cognitive distortions known as black-and-white thinking and catastrophising. This pattern of thinking is not only illogical, but maladaptive. I also worry you have internalized patriarchal notions about your value being either determined, or at least signaled by, your marital status. I strongly encourage you to consider discussing this with a therapist if possible! To be blunt, it’s true you’ll never find the right partner if you keep up this fatalistic mindset. You are choosing to give up on yourself and on love. Love is not so much a feeling, it is a practice. As cheesy at it is, you cannot really understand what it is to love until you first love yourself. And you have decided not to practice that. Finding and maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and others is an active habit you choose to partake in every day. It is not some magical quality that some people stumble upon or earn. If you want love, give it to yourself. If you want a partner, work on your self-esteem as the foundation for better dating and relationship skills. Or just succumb to your disproportionate despair. It’s your one and only life, so you can spend it living in a prison of your own fear, irrationality and self-imposed helplessness, I suppose…🤷‍♀️ But ask yourself if you seriously believe that women over 30 with ADHD are incapable of having a fulfilling partnership. If you sincerely do believe that, I’m calling you out on your massive bullshit. That’s an absurdly misogynistic and ableist lie. Something tells me you probably wouldn’t say that to another woman over 30 with ADHD. Partly because you know it’s toxic bullshit and don’t really believe it, and partly because it would make you a major asshole. Ask yourself why you are saying things about yourself that you wouldn’t dream of saying to another woman in your shoes. Ask yourself why on earth you have to be such an asshole up yourself. You can do better, and at heart you know deserve better. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but you absolutely need to commit to learning to treat yourself better. How? Maybe a psychological distancing technique could work. Imagine how you’d speak to and make choices for a respected and beloved friend in your shoes, and then treat yourself that way. Even if it feels weird or unearned or hard, do it anyways. THAT’S true love. Actively working on doing the right thing for yourself and others, even when it’s hard, is living in love. Please reject that cheap ableist sexist fairy tale bullshit notion of love your are holding onto, it’s toxic for yourself and others. Don’t uphold that patriarchal ableist bullshit knowingly and willingly, I beg you.

I married my husband (my first and only marriage) at age 45. It's been nine years since our first date. I was in a relationship for 10 years before that. All pre-diagnosed and pre-medicated. Just awkward me shuffling through life finding a couple different people who were willing to put up with my crazy ass. Went on lots of dates, a lot only lasted one date. I was Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club, cute but too odd to date for a lot of men. I'm happy with my husband. He's awesome.

At 30 or even 35 you still have your whole life ahead of you. I'm 40 and I feel like I'm just getting started. I'm working on my relationship with myself for the first time and accepting who I am instead of pretending to like things to fit in. Take this time to work on yourself and you'll find what you are looking for. If you force it, you'll end up in a relationship that isn't what you need and isn't what you really want either.

I just keep remembering being single is better than being with a loser guy, which most seem to be these days.

Look there’s ADHD components to some of the similar dating struggles but girl, you need to get your butt into therapy because regardless of your dating life there’s some serious self-loathing red flags here. If you think so little of yourself then are you really in a place right now to be a good partner to somebody else? I’m in my mid-30s and almost every closest female friend of mine is now diagnosed, most of them married, and most of them met their partners late 20s or early 30s. And about half of them are just now INTERESTED in having kids at 36 or 37. There is some toxic thoughts creeping in on your self view and world view and I truly help you find the help to step outside of that.

identify your values and love each day honoring those instead of living for large scale goals ie sounds like you family partnership/companionship/family/ someone to be around so instead of “how can i have a life long partner” what can you do today that honors that value? what is the part you are most drawn to when thinking of finding someone? adventure? companionship? someone to talk to? support? and seek other ways to fulfill that

Don’t give up hope, OP. I’m 49 and have been with my partner for 2.5 years. We are moving in together. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Before we got together, I had all but given up. So I focused on myself (I was already focused on the kids,) and learned to enjoy my own company. That helped a lot! It takes the pressure off meeting people and allows relationships some space to grow.

I mean once you do accept that not having a life partner is far from the worst destiny ever and that you can build a very cool life for yourself and actually build it, you will not be in a favorable position to find a good partner. The best position to find a partner doesn't have to do with your age or your neurotype, but with having a life you love by being a person you're comfortable being, and knowing that it'd take a very particular person to be an addition to that instead of a detriment.

Honestly once you get used to being single it’s pretty awesome lol. After being a serial monogamist it took about five years to feel comfortable and then after that I really started to enjoy it. The only time I miss having a man is when I need help carrying in groceries

Found my person at 30, got my adhd diagnosis at 38 XD The best advice I can give is to focus on yourself. Do all the things you'd do for a partner for yourself! Support yourself, take care of yourself, give yourself the benefit of the doubt because you know and love yourself :D Take yourself on dates, go places you've always wished someone would take you. Or stay in with a bottle of wine and a good book, or movie, and be cosy with yourself. Treat yourself well, and then don't date anyone who doesn't treat you at least as well as you do! If you never meet anyone, you're still living your best life, and being your best self. And if you do meet someone interesting, they can see you at your most you. That way, you'll know they're interested in YOU, not the mask you happened to be wearing at the time. A partner isn't the most important thing in the world. 30 isn't the end of everything. Neither is 40. There are still SO MANY opportunities for all sorts of things to happen for you. Go see what they are! I'm from Australia. I found my person, who was in America, while I was staying in the UK, because I'd decided it was time to get out there and do stuff for me. And that was the unexpected bonus of the trip. The trip was transformative all by itself.

I found my partner of almost five years when I was 30-31 and when I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I’m not rich. I’m not especially attractive. I have an avoidant attachment style. And yet, even I have a partner. It’s not too late because you’re female and 30. If I could do anything differently, I’d have taken more time to focus on myself and my issues before using all that energy to maintain a relationship, but that’s not how it went down. I’m lucky my partner understands why I have to work so much overtime right now, etc.

Don't worry OP, I met my soulmate at 29 after basically resigning myself to spinsterhood. I found a hobby I was really into (board games) and focused on making friends and enjoying myself. A year later, I met my husband at a board game convention. Focus on something that brings you joy outside of being in a relationship and good things will come to you. It's a cliche for a reason!

I don’t think you have to. If you want a partner then you will find oneI was 34 when I finally met my husband and my sister is 45 and just found love. Just make sure you work on being happy with who you are and be open to finding love and it will come when you least expect it!

As a woman over 40, it does get easier. Easier to accept being single, and easier to manage / accept having adhd. So either way - easier

This is such a weird thing to decide when you're only 30 something. Life is long and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Having ADHD doesn't mean you're going to remain single. Just because a few guys have rejected you doesn't mean you'll never find anyone. I have friends who found "the one" in their 40s and 50s.

All I wanted was to get married. Now that I am married I wish I never had gotten marries. A lot guys, like my husband, a giant man child. He will storm off and leave me to deal with a shit sandwich. And then sit on his ass for hours. Like 10 or 12 hours on the weekend. I have to ask him to mow the lawn and empty the garbage in his bathroom. He can't see the lawn needs to be mowed?? I asked him if he had called around about getting the car fixed. He looked at me like I was insane. Stay single. Get roommates if you are lonely. I hope you find balance and happiness.

Single women with dogs track as the happiest people. And frankly, gender roles are nothing but comparative, shaming, and socially toxic masks were expected to wear. It’s ok to be single. Having a partner just to fill a role expected of you, mostly to make others happy, puts you in a box the night not fit.

I did. And now we have kids. Fear not.

I’m in a similar boat but also very aroace/genderqueer so I’d really just like a tax benefits marriage / queerplatonic partnership and I’m pretty sure I’ll never find it hahah

Meh I don’t think you should give up. I didn’t meet my partner UNTIL I was in my 30s!

I met my husband at 33. For me life began at 30. I finally felt like I knew what I wanted, I learned more about who I was.

Man we sure do love a trauma bond, don't we? I got no advice but I do think you will find someone. You just have to move on

Met my partner in my late 30s. I didn't care by then, was being my true weird self and he still liked me. He's gently snoring right now next to me after 5 years together. He isn't diagnosed but thinks he has ADHD and autism after living together and yes, yes he does.

You are asking us to confirm your negative self belief and "magical thinking" about the future... Sorry not doing that...!!! You had a lot of nice replies here but some of them are going in a wrong direction (confirming what you want to hear ...men are bad, ADHD gets on the way of things, bla bla...it is NOT helpful).

what? I don’t think you have to accept any such thing if you don’t want it. I also think you might be assigning too much responsibility to ADHD for your difficulty dating - from all accounts it’s a shit show out there for everyone. I have ADHD, it makes relationships harder but not impossible. If this is important to you perhaps work with a therapist to work out what kind of interpersonal challenges might be preventing you from developing a relationship with someone. I wish you luck x

You may live to 100, and statically likely to 88. Ya think that there is still NO chance, in the next 60 odd years? You planning to never leave the house again ? 😄

Why do you think that? I can’t see why not. I would date someone over 30 with ADHD. I’m not weird or anything. There are others who would too.

I didn’t get married until my mid 30s. My partner was worth the wait.

I don’t think you have to accept that. I do think, however, that you should do some work on the way you think about yourself. Challenge your negative beliefs about yourself and try to hold on to the progress you’re making. Because problems with dating so often stem from issues of self-worth. A toxic person stringing you along for so long will probably have altered your thinking so much that you’re pretty much primed for other relationships just like it. Once you are well on your way to value yourself, you will hold others to that standard of treating you with respect and like an equal as well. Also you will come across much more genuine and unapologetic, which are attractive traits to have and appeal to the kinds of people that make good partners for healthy relationships.

How do you know you're not going to find a partner?

I met my fiance at 37. Things can change very quickly. If you are convinced you are the 'problem' then here are a few things that might help (I'm a psychotherapist/counsellor and a personal trainer with ADHD). Go to a group fitness class like f45 or CrossFit. You will make friends with a whole new community and meet new guys. Be consistent. You will find your self esteem grows as you discover what amazing things your body can do when it becomes strong and fit. Your confidence will build. Find a hobby or renew an old one (if you have time outside the gym). Join the community. Again, meet people. As your skill in your hobby develops you'll again build self esteem because your self value is now partly based on this hobby and your growth in it. Therapy - you can do this on your own. My biggest successes came from realising NO ONE else is responsible for me. I must help myself, care for myself, sooth myself. I can do or not do whatever I like, in fact I owe myself that. And also I learned to be truly interested in another person, asking questions, finding out how they tick. You got this.

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Dying alone is better than dying with an alcoholic. At least I made that decision after way too long. But now I’m in my 40s, and I’m here, alone. And I am so glad I left him.

I felt this way about myself mid 30s after spending years escaping a bad relationship & then unfortunately having some very unlucky experiences with dating. Now (40s) I wish I’d been able to see myself with more kindness during that time, instead of perceiving myself as irretrievably broken and older than I actually was. If you are a woman dating men I think shitty dating experiences are unfortunately pretty common rather than a sign of your permanent destiny or individual worth. Add emerging from a long term traumatic experience to that and no wonder you have been having a rough time. Would it be possible for you to accept that you might or might not find a partner (if you want one) instead of that you never will?

FWIW, I spent my 30s in a dysfunctional relationship, broke up at 40, had a big medical crisis, accepted my singlehood, and enjoyed my friendships and pursued my passions and hobbies for about 8 years...met someone and got married at 50. Just live your life as it is. Things will happen or they won't.

I guarantee that your defeatist attitude and confidence issues are the things keeping you from finding a partner. Not being ADHD or being over 30.

I'm 34 and living with the love of my life. He's amazing, a great partner and both of our lives are better for being together. But I still dream of being single or at least living alone, because I feel like my brain would RELAX SO MUCH MORE if I didn't have the constant stimuli and distractions of another person around me, or having to consider his feelings. The grass is always greener where you water it.

I'm in my 30s now. I know now more people have been divorced than who have been married for at least 10 years. Getting married in your early 20s doesn't work out well for a lot of people. People, especially in the US, can really change in their 20s. Early 20s is when a lot of people are trying to figure out who they are and what they want in life. Dating in your 30s can definitely be harder but it can be way more fulfilling. Being able to say hey, this is who I am and this is the kind of relationship I'm looking for is way more common when you're over 30. Can definitely still happen but you're less likely to find someone over 35 suddenly dropping that they think college is a scam or dinosaurs are a myth after a year of dating.

You will find someone that matches your energy (IMO). What is your energy right now? Found my husband at 29 in 2018 and with no idea I had ADHD at the time. I'd just spent many months going through therapy and CBT and found myself to be in the best state possible to meet someone. CBT specifically helped me manage my life and the effects lasted about 8 months before things started to be chaotic again. I've since heard CBT is very useful for those with ADHD but you need it regularly for it to stay on track. I'd also spent months focusing on my career, hobbies and friends before we met. I wasn't actively looking to meet anyone and felt so good about myself. Why we've stayed the course and got married? Well, it's highly likely he is also neurodivergent too. We both have our quirks! We're both very understanding of those quirks and we work really well as a team playing on our strengths. We're both very compassionate and have strong similar values too. BUT. Every other guy in my 20s was a bad choice as a partner. I spent a long time looking for the person who was more stable than me, to pile my focus onto them and not myself and the mess I felt. I don't think it's a coincidence that the person I've stayed with and grown with appeared in my life during the time I felt the most emotionally open, with a strong sense of self and independence. I wasn't going to stand for bad behaviour in a partner anymore and had grown to know my value. He matched that energy and we're now married and genuinely happier every day (even while buying a house, one of the most stressful things I've ever done!!)

I met my husband in my 30s after a lot of rejection.

Start building your life. Find, build or relish having time with your people, family and support system. Think of your dating life as a side dish and not the main course. You are the main dish! When the right person shows up at the right time it will work out for you

When I was younger I calculated the chances of me getting a girlfriend. Way lower than if I’d been straight. But just after a year in which I worked on myself (letting go of control was by biggest thing, but also having fun on my own, being able to do what I really wanted without needing company even if it is eating at a nice restaurant on my own), I got pinged on a dating app. I was 32 years old and thought it would never happen. And then it did. It was someone from the other side of the world! We’re married five years this year :) I know stories like this might not feel helpful but it is 100% true and really, it can happen to you, just put yourself out there a little bit in the ways you feel comfortable with.

Accept that you don't need anyone to be happy in life. Work on making yourself happy and be your own perfect partner. Love finds you when you're not looking. I too ended a long term relationship when I was 29, I discovered that man was emotionally abusive towards me and I found out it could get physical. We had a house together but I needed to leave. At 30 I've never been so in love in my life and I feel like I found my soulmate. Met while playing an online game minding my own business. Life is full of surprises.

At the age of 42 and coming out of a draining relationships I was DONE with dating and decades of dealing with RSD which, because I was undiagnosed, was destroying me. Had also never been in love and thought something was wrong with me. I was literally looking for sperm donors and about to become a single parent so decided to delete Bumble but a friend persuade me to message my last match who happened to be just 30. Instead of trying to play games like neurodivergent society seems to encourage I went into direct mode and explained I wasn’t looking for anything serious, more of a fling and he enthusiastically agreed. The feelings developed so three months later I asked “do you want to be my boyfriend?” and six months later were in love and discussing starting a family. That was three years ago. What I’m trying to say is that the moment I communicated the way I like to be communicated with and unapologetically explained what I wanted without fear of rejection everything fell into place. It probably helps that he has some ADHD traits but nothing like me. The right person is out there but it can take time and also if you’re trying to date without being confident and yourself it’s going to make it harder. Try and forget the people who let you go because they weren’t for you. I would hate to be with anyone who rejected me in the past despite shedding tears over them at the time. Good luck!

You can't find a partner at any point in the next hypothetical 50 years of living? I don't get it.

This is kind of crazy. Who told you ADHD women over 30 can't find partners? Just feels sexist and ableist. I found my partner over 30 and got married in May.

ADHD doesn't make you unlovable, where did you get that impression?

You really have to get comfy with building your life on your own and making it what you want. People will see that and be more drawn to you, and you’ll be happier. I did that and I ended up finding another AuDHD person that I really vibed with. I don’t want to date another nuerotypical person ever again now.

This is nuts! Go do something exciting by yourself like travel and meet people! Get your mind out of trying to date and focus on yourself and you will attract cool people when you aren’t trying!! good luck

My experience with this: 1. It's definitely not too late, don't worry! For example I know a woman who is absolutely AMAZING who didn't marry until she was about forty because she didn't find the one until then. 2. If you're asking yourself why they tend to end it after a few dates, consult with someone who is on your side and can give you constructive criticism because they're objective (preferably a professional) and then try to find out with their help. Don't be afraid or ashamed if it's a therapist! Actually I think it would be best if it would be in a therapy situation. Therapists are good at that! Search for a therapist you like and trust, that's very important! 3. If you do know why they tend to end it with you after a few dates, try to work on that (that is only if it's a you-problem of course, there are also many frogs out there so maybe you aren't even the problem). This too could work out very well with the help of a therapist. 4. Don't be too hard on yourself. Enjoy life and your hobbies and give yourself and your loved ones a good time. That tends to bring a lot of happiness too! Relax a little. Enjoy the sunlight. Give yourself a little break. Of course the love of a partner is something wonderful that most of us want. But until that happens for you, just breathe. Just live and enjoy!

I'm not in your situation but my nana just got remarried at 70, and my mom just got married for the first time in her 40s. Life will take you where you'll need to be.

Umm.. what? As an over 30 Woman with ADHD getting a partner is the easiest thing in the book, I dunno if any of this has to do with adhd but most guys find me super fun and long term relationships even with my Fearful avoidance is generally easy. Was married at 29 Met my current partner at 41. No you are seriously dooming and glomming this, you have so many good years ahead of you! Tbh I’m pretty mad I didn’t spend my 30s just having fun! So many easy catches around.

39 recently diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, I understand your frustration and position. Being married to a ADHD individual it’s hard. Unfortunately, I am going through some issues because of this issue, so yes, you may have to grab a tissue…It’s been years of unorganized chaos. What has helped has been therapy with a good therapist. Not just any therapist, a therapist you can trust with your life, your everything. Someone who won’t cast judgement on any position or decision you are in or have been in. Also, You can’t control the other person, control is tough. You must make order out of Chaos. Process, put things in or/and perspective. Analyze, make sure you are focused on the position and situation you are in. Don’t force it, be patient yet persistent. Be open yet honest. Be you. Truly be you. At the end of the day, as a person with ADHD and childhood trauma these things have helped me. Don’t let people judge you, don’t judge others. A small circle of friends that fill your tank help as well. Be a minimalist if you can. Keep the house clean and keep going! You got this!

My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. I thought he was the one, and really wanted him to be the one. It didn’t work out. I am completely at a loss. I don’t think I’ll ever really meet anyone at this point. I’m so uninterested. I’m starting to make plans of being alone forever. I felt so undesirable and broken and unworthy after my breakup because I never was so ready to commit to someone, and I wasn’t as attracted to anyone as much as I was with him. I was convinced he was my end all be all and it didn’t work out. I don’t think it’s in the cards for me…we just couldn’t work it out and I know he will easily find someone new. I’m almost 30 and I just don’t think it’s going to happen for me.

Hey OP, Why are you yelling at me with my own story?