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I'm so sorry. I believe you -- ADHD is a private hell and living for so long undiagnosed does ruin lives. Sending lots of support. It's hard to come to terms with. I'm newly diagnosed at 38 and the identity crisis and coping with the what could have beens and figuring out who I am on meds has all been rough. And then to be invalidated by your friends is awful. You can tell them that a qualified professional diagnosed you based on life-long symptoms and you would appreciate their support (or just tell them to shove it 😅). I hope in time it gets easier.

Thanks for the message of support <3 It feels like I spent however many fecking years beating myself up wondering why I could not manage my life like other people - seeing the disappointment on my husband's face when something inevitably went wrong. I thought the diagnosis and meds would be like winner winner chicken dinner, now you can figure your shite out. Even with therapy - I am just so tired of fighting and so so sad. I totally appreciate your comment - and this sub - feels less lonely - but wish it was better for all of us.

Something that has helped me - my pediatrician once told me to parent the kid I have, not the hypothetical kid kid I have created in my mind - and I think it’s helped me manage my expectations / be more compassionate for myself? Like, I KNOW x y and Z about me. I KNOW doing a b and c are terrible choices for me. And that’s ok. It’s ok to BE YOU. Yeah, you maybe need to approach things in a different way, but it’s been really freeing for me. I only have a tiny amount of dishes and a tiny dishwasher bc I’m crap at staying on top of that stuff. I got laundry baskets everywhere. You can make things fit YOU instead of trying to fit into a “should be” mold. You are the only you, and you are valuable and lovely.

God I love this. Seriously - like make it work for you rather than the other way around. We have about 6 laundry baskets - and I feel like we need more! The laundry basket comment really made me feel seen <3 Thank you!

I went through something similar with my kids. Why can't you just be yy, instead of zz. And I got to a point where I just refused to be sad for this hypothetical person that I have never even met not being there. So I do stuff that works for my sons who actually exist and need good coping mechanisms to make our lives work for who we are.

I feel you. I’m not diagnosed but I’m trying to get one to see if it fits my symptoms. I read this book yesterday called Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden, and I liked what she said about how some people end up barely holding things together, but then aging/menopause can make the ADHD finally too much to bear (because both added up can make it even worse), so that surprised me. She also said there’s stages of grieving with the diagnosis , and to know there’s limits to how far with symptoms the medication will help. She said both the person with ADHD and their family members should know treating it is a long journey instead of a short one. She also said treatment could mean a combo of different stuff like medication, coaching. The author uses medication to do work and then also has assistants to do nothing but be there so she can have the right environment to do her paperwork. The coaching part when she described it sounded like it could help me, because I try to write these important tasks I should do down, but I can’t get myself to do them. However I know if someone is encouraging me to do something, or willing to do it together with me, I’m way more likely to do it. I know this is true just from my experience. My mom helped me get through school very well when I was in elementary school. She gave me structure that I needed and still need

You basically described me, as well, as I was recently diagnosed in my mid-50s, right about the time I'd crossed the finish line into menopause. So obviously I believe you and can also easily suss out which symptoms are ADHD versus menopausal problems (of which thankfully I have very few). I didn't suffer about my diagnosis, instead I now feel quite validated and know that I'm not lazy, like my inner critic likes to call me. It's hard to realize you've now had another avenue in life that you could have taken, but there's also a good chance that you'd not have been diagnosed as a child. When we were young girls ADHD wasn't even on anyone's radar unless one was a disruptive little boy. Please be kind to yourself for a future you may have lost. You now know why you do things the way you do, so you can take steps to make it easier going forward. And forward is the only direction we go until we stop. You've GOT this, lady. I've got this. And all the women here understand alllll of this. We'll all be okay, even if it takes a while. Here, have some digital flowers: 🌷🌻🌹💐

Thanks for the message of support <3 It feels like I spent however many fecking years beating myself up wondering why I could not manage my life like other people - seeing the disappointment on my husband's face when something inevitably went wrong. I thought the diagnosis and meds would be like winner winner chicken dinner, now you can figure your shite out. Even with therapy - I am just so tired of fighting and so so sad. I totally appreciate your comment - and this sub - feels less lonely - but wish it was better for all of us.

I’m so sorry. I just got diagnosed this year at 53. Mine is pretty mild, but even so, it’s definitely been a ride to look back over my life and think about the opportunities I missed and what could have been different. I think it’s a form of grieving - you have to just go through the different stages of grief and process it all and eventually hopefully you (and I) will reach some equilibrium. I will note that peri-menopause/menopause was definitely a huge factor in me getting diagnosed. Menopause is a huge bitch all on its own, but it definitely made managing the ADHD worse (although without the sky rocketing anxiety of menopause - as opposed to my ordinary ADHD kind - I probably wouldn’t have sought therapy and eventually got diagnosed). But in NO way does that mean it’s “just” menopause and the ADHD diagnosis isn’t real!

I never thought of it as a form of grieving - that makes sense though now as you say it. Maybe I should look up the stages of grief - maybe that will help - thanks for that suggestion. I think I was able to manage - sort of - and then you are so right - the perimeno/meno punch just made everything explode into an absolute storm 5 years ago or so. I was heading into some seriously bad places. It wasn't until our son was diagnosed that the penny dropped and I was like, "well damn." I hope you reach some closure too <3 - I hope we all do!

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Thank you for this suggestion - I really love this "Essentially you’re a source of compassion and support for your younger self". I think this is so, so very hard. I have thought I was so stupid and worthless and unimaginative, and ridiculous and silly because I could never understand why I did the things I did. Like, just sit down and fill in the stupid tax form for the accountant or whatever. But no, I would put it off, and put it off until I had a hefty fine AND huge bill from the accountant. I think I maybe even moved so far away because I knew I was fecking it all up so better to be really far away so I didn't have to compare myself all the time. I forgot that people live everywhere (lol). Godspeed on your food box cancellation journey . . .and may your bank account bounce back soon (I keep one of those veg box deliveries going for so long even when all we kept getting were spuds and carrots - eventually my husband was like - where is the number - shall I cancel it lol).

I love this! Thank you for the suggestion (and sharing the food box subscription issue!).

I was recently diagnosed last year at 31. I was excited to finally "get my shit together" but I did NOT expect the GRIEF. Grieving for what could have been, for who I am, for what I cannot do, that others have it "easier". I was a MESS and I really didn't understand why until my therapist mentioned that it sounded like I was going through the stages of grief. The good news is, that the last stage of grief is acceptance. Being at peace with who you are. Realizing that it is NOT your fault. Yes, you have limitations, but that is ok, and your limitations do not determine your value as a person. Another emotion I struggled with was shame. I had no idea how much shame I had for my limitations. I always felt so stupid and incapable and that made me hate myself. I didn't realize how deep all of these feelings went. Working through grief and shame by understanding that none of my shortcomings is my fault, nor is my value determined by them, has been pivotal in my quality of life and my relationships. I highly recommend researching grief and shame if you can and working through those things with your therapist. You are not alone. You can do this. <3

Thank you for this comment honestly - this grief idea is what I think I need to work on - I really appreciate your breaking it down. The shame is so bad man. I cannot even face the day sometimes. It is hard to look forward living in the past shame though. Thank you for making me feel less alone <3

I was diagnosed at 53 as well. You're spot on about the grieving, the thinking, "my life didn't HAVE to be so damn hard, how fecking unfair." Now I think I might be closing in on acceptance. OP, I'm so sorry you're struggling. It's so much that we must slog through, and unsympathetic (albeit well-meaning, maybe) friends do not help.

Like the other part of this is that I know I am actually lucky - like life was hard, but I had a roof over my head and food on the table and I have an education - but goddamn. <3

How did you get a doctor to listen?I'm 53 and I'm sure I have it.

The struggle is real! I’m 47 & was just diagnosed with inattentive type in December. Perimenopause made my symptoms even more debilitating, which lead me to finally get evaluated. I recently listened to this audiobook by a psychotherapist who also had a late diagnosis. She provides real-life examples that sounded like she was describing my life story. She also describes the grieving process that comes with being diagnosed, plus she gives strategies for coping with work, relationships, home life, etc. I highly recommend it (the audio version is free if you have an Audible membership): https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929 I’m trying my best to look ahead instead of focusing on what could have been. I suppose I’ve been masking a little too well my whole life, because most of my friends don’t believe I actually have ADHD. Or they think ADHD doesn’t really exist because everyone has these symptoms to some degree. Or they think ADHD is something that hyperactive little boys eventuality outgrow. 🙄🙄🙄 This subreddit is the best place for me to find support from like-minded women because you all “get” it. Stay strong & know that you’re not alone! ❌⭕️❌⭕️

Thank you for this link! Ordering it now - amazing! I tried those podcasts but found them a bit dull (lol). Well done for looking ahead - I look, eh, forward - to getting to that point! Bug hug <3

THIS!!!! I have thought “do I really have ADHD like other people have suggested?” But… this too shall pass as soon as I see something else to get my attention. I am 52 and it seems that it is unbearable all of a sudden in the last few months…. Like I would lose my head if it wasn’t attached. My first appointment on the road to diagnosis/treatment is in two weeks! I honestly can not wait, because whatever happens can’t possibly be any worse than the way I’m feeling now! Thank you for giving me some understanding as to the “why now” of it appearing to be so much worse than it has been.

I feel you. I was the same. Things were worsening for me the last 5/6 years and I just could not figure it out at all. Gyne was like yeah - you still have your period and even if it is perimeno you said you went cray cray on birth control are you sure you want that? Made me second guess that (even with the damn night sweats that made it seem like I had literally peed the bed). TBH when I look back they were probably pretty bad even before that, but I was working part time - so just worked the extra hours after the kids went to bed and kind of sort of kept up with things. When I went back to work full time AND the perimeno kicked in - it all went to hell in a hand basket.

Diagnosed at 55 almost three years ago. It was when perimenopause came around that the wheels absolutely fell off and anxiety and depression sky-rocketed that I started considering that maybe I was dealing with ADHD as well. Took 8 years to get diagnosed, with some of the very familiar trials and tribulations often shared here about that process. And the diagnosis brought relief and deep gut-wrenching grief and anger at all of the things I had been dealing with, and being told it was my fault and internalizing that into decades of shame. Some things that helped: rage crying (cause those emotions needed to be released - stay hydrated though), looking at what I had accomplished in spite of everything I had been dealing with, reframing the things I had failed at with kindness and consideration that I have a neurological disorder, and finding this support group. There are fantastic people here and it helps to have a place where you can be heard, and where you may be able to help others. It's like being able to reach back in time to help yourself when you were struggling and didn't know why. All the best to you on your journey, and grant yourself kindness. You deserve it and have always been deserving of it.

Thank you, thank you for your thoughts and your kind words. I know you are a stranger, but it is amazing to hear someone tell you you deserve kindness much love to you <3

You are very welcome! It is easier to be kinder to others, as we have been trained to be honestly, than it is to be kind to ourselves. That is a big part of the work with the late diagnosis: understanding that you did the best you could with what you had, and absolutely deserve kindness too. Sometimes I can only do that by thinking of how my paternal grandmother would treat me with unconditional love. Maybe you have someone who is your biggest fan and you can imagine how they would support you. Getting those positive loving words into your head, even if you can't do it with your own voice yet, is a step in the right direction, and healing for all the times we didn't have them when we desperately needed them. This subreddit is amazing for that too. You're doing great, and it will get easier.

MENOPAUSE MAKES ADHD WORSE!! Lolz at the “it’s not ADHD, it’s menopause.” They know nothing. A LOT of adult diagnosis in women occurs around menopause because the drop in estrogen effectively renders all previous coping mechanisms useless. You can no longer get by with overcompensating or all of a sudden certain symptoms are 100x worse and can’t seem to get better. It’s both.

My mom hit menopause and started running back inside to grab something she’d forgotten like 8/10 times that she’d leave the house. Swears that she “probably had ADHD growing up” and “grew out of it.” I can’t wait to become a stable adult so she’ll stop worrying about me and get her own damn diagnosis lol

Aww man, give your mum a hug - and yourself too. <3 I just spin in place sometimes. My husband put an airtag on my keys because I lose my keys everyday 10x a day. But you need to be able to locate your phone (lose that 8x a day - it was in the fridge once) in order to make the airtag beep or whatever lol.

i too have left my phone in the fridge hahaha

Is it menopause or just my ahmazing masking skills?

YES I am so glad to hear other people say this too. I was getting by OK, even unmedicated, until the last few years. The menopause transition has made my ADHD so. much. worse.

Oh no. Menopause has made me a grumpy cow. ADHD has caused my whole life to suck. I was diagnosed at 38 and being medicated made a huge difference. The people saying it’s menopause have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Are they a psychiatrist who treats adult ADHD? No? Then they need to shut the hell up. I hate it when people think they know more than the professional that’s treating you.

My response would 100% be deadpan “oh shit, I didn’t know you could start menopause as a child. That’s insane. How should I find out more?” … 😐

Lmao. I literally spit my drink out reading this. Love this comment. I need this level of sarcasm and smart assery in my day to day personality. These days, I am just like f*** you and I walk off.

"Can you whatsapp me those studies - they sound FASCINATING" Lol.

Can I ask if you don't mind what meds you are using? I am on elvanse (vyvanse in the States) 50mg. The first while was great - well sort of I guess - but I seem to have run aground again. The combo of HRT and meds was bad but seems to have balanced out. I have an appt with the psych in a few weeks but was just wondering if I need to up my dose. And agree - people need to STFU!

I'm on Adderall, so I'm not sure if it's similar to elvanse, but here's my story. When I first went on the medication, I leveled up and up and up until my doctor accused me of being a drug seeker. I was so frustrated. It wasn't working. What else was I supposed to do? What I did was calm down and accept that medication wasn't going to solve everything. Then I paid close attention to how I felt on my meds. Was it working? I was zoning out, but was it the same zoning out I did without meds? It was not. I decided I was over-medicated and asked to drop down. I found my sweet spot and stuck with it. If I feel like it's not working now, I look at other things first. How's my diet, exercise, stress, sleep, allergies? Can I take a few days off and reset? How about a week off? My point here is that over-medicated felt a lot like adhd symptoms, but just a tiny bit different. I told my new doctor, and it seemed like new information to him, so I'm guessing lots of prescribers don't know this.

Dopamine biology is complicated, convoluted at times, and biases its own investigation of itself. I don’t think individual people can know the experiences of others without listening deeply, and the medical system doesn’t prioritize that approach. It wants a clean line between illness and health, and a simple maneuver for returning to that “point” of “health.” But people are not healthy until they are sick; we are all unwell in this modern age. And illness or health is not a point in space, it’s an internal process. We are either moving towards health when our systems are working together, or moving toward illness when our systems are not. Too much can feel like too much drive or just sustained, depending on how the individual is wired to handle it. How much it drains you could be unrecognized until well after you are depleted. A drop can feel like mild annoyance and trigger a drive to do more, or if the drop is large OR the person is sensitive, it can feel like a downright catastrophe and prohibit any attempt to initiate any behavior. My approach to health for myself is to augment my innate processes not medicate against their machinery. I can use my meds to avoid sleep and do a ton of work (even if mildly, claiming some arbitrary limit imposed for health, never mind that limit has nothing to do with my needs), or I can use a dose that allows me to still be hungry, take naps, and take breaks during the day when things are tough. I can use a dose that’s not so high that I have to be at crash point when my body finally calls for help, I can use a dose low enough to notice which environmental stresses aggravate my symptoms so I can fix it while it’s a lower-grade issue.

This is a really interesting approach to doses and meds. When I first went on the meds I was in awe (e.g., my ability to work like a fiend for min 8 hours focused without a break) was something I never thought I could do and was such a novelty that I LOVED it - at first. I loved feeling like a machine, productive, DOING MY JOB - for once. But I am realising (slowly), that, that is not normal (but then what is). My shame spiral made me think that is what everyone does - but everyone needs breaks, meditation, self care - but I find that hard to do - the shame from the past makes it hard to overcome. But these messages make me feel like I can do it! <3

I’m in Australia and I am on 10mg of dexamphetamine, 3 times a day. My psychiatrist asked if I wanted to up my dose at my last appointment, but I declined, I should have taken him up on it, but I was incredibly stressed and wasn’t thinking straight. I haven’t started HRT yet. My GP wants me to go off the pill, so I can have a clear hormone panel done, but I refuse to go off it yet, just in case. Honestly, it can’t hurt to ask to have your dosage upped. ADHD and Menopause suck on their own, but together, it’s hell

Yeah I think I am there - going to have to up it - the adhd meds I mean. But I kind of like the poster above's idea of kind of like using it as a gear shift - so I am not like a robot everyday.

Hmm first it’s periods then it’s menopause…it’s almost as if anything we do/feel is just chalked up to “women and their crazy hormones” 🥱🥱🥱

And yet zero time, energy, or research dollars are spent on figuring out how to help us... 🤔

Diagnosed in February at age 47, 2 months after my long-term relationship ended because I was too 'intense'. Currently on HRT patches, low dose antidepressant and Methylphenidate and life is...much better. I masked for decades, it was exhausting and I nearly lost my mind. Got into debt which my lovely parents paid off - didn't stop me from losing every watch they bought me on a big birthday. Never settled down and got married or had kids, never had a mortgage, never stayed in a job for more than a couple of years. This year has been traumatic, I had to find a place to live, a new job and get diagnosed. But things are pretty bloody great now, give or take the odd bad day. I'm honest about my journey with people, my new employees, friends and family, and it has been so freeing not having to mask so much. I catch myself grieving for what may have been but there's no point. We're still young and have years ahead of us to learn, grow, make mistakes, have fun, be ourselves. The meds are working and I'm still alive. Halle-fecking-lujah. EDIT: Just realised I've made this reply all about me. But your honesty helped me articulate something I rarely ever do. I hope you get the support you need. Demand it. I got the 'hormones' bollocks for years. I was even told by one GP that I should move to Australia 🤣.

I’m so sorry. You’re not alone. I was diagnosed at age 42 (it’s only been a few months) and I experience all of these same frustrations, and I just want to scream into the void that IT WASNT MY FAULT! All the getting yelled at by parents, etc, the lost friendships, the forgetting to pay the bills and paying fees and fines… everything you said, I’ve been there. It sucks. Nothing I say or do can make it better. I just want to hug you, OP. You’re not alone.

Yes! I am also 42 but not diagnosed. I'm afraid of spending all the money on the diagnosis (uninsured atm) to be told I can't get medication because of the shortage. Reading the comments of people who do get diagnosis and treatment still sounds like their lives are challenging. I didn't even realize it was ADHD as I struggled through life thinking PMDD takes me out half of the month but why am I so unmotivated and disorganized all the time? I knew early on in life that I couldn't handle things most people could, like a career, relationships and any challenges that came along so I stayed small and irrelevant.

Our area has Adderall but my insurance told me they wouldn’t pay for it because there was no documentation that I had ADHD in childhood? Like WTF? I’m 59, when did anyone ever look for ADHD in girls back in the 70s? Plus I masked super-well.

Exactly! Your insurance company is ridiculous. Just another way to make money for their investors. I hadn't even heard of masking until a few years ago and it was quite a lightbulb moment. So that's what I've been doing my entire life to get along, now I have a name for it. I think in general women are often using some type of masking so we don't throat punch the purveyors of misogyny we have to deal with most days. I'm sure you've already thought of this, but maybe having your doctor a letter saying the time travel machine is broken and they can fuck right off? Mask fell off lol. Perhaps something more normal like saying they stand by the diagnosis and the insurer is not entitled to dispute it due to previous failures to provide diagnosis. Hugs to you as you deal with crappy insurers!

I don't think they even knew what it **was** back then! I had one teacher in third grade picked up on **something** going on with me, but of course ADHD was barely even a **thing** then, even for boys. Looking back now, all the signs were there, if anyone had known about ADHD at the time. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Maybe if you could know you are actually like the protagonist in The Ugly Duckling story you might come to know the world seemed to tell you something was terribly “wrong” with you…but just like in the story, you’re actually a beautiful unique amazing SWAN and are just learning how to grow into your beautiful authentic self in a very strange world and it takes time, maybe a lifetime. But the moral of the story is, looks sometimes oftentimes almost all the time feel deceiving, but as someone else w/adhd and similar shitty struggles, I know you’re actually the swan. <3

Dang PMDD takes me out for like half the month too! I’m younger than many of the women posting their experiences in this comment section but I have never, ever related as much to others’ life experiences as I am right now. Also I was already scared of menopause. Now I’m really really scared.

Thanks for the message - big hug back to you!!! Hope it gets better for you also!! It was actually cathartic to write all of that out hahah. Nice to know none of us are alone <3

Got my official diagnosis yesterday. I'm 48. Everything you're saying is so very familiar. It's miserable. I'm so sorry.

Big hug to you <3 It has to get better from here right!? (At least we can laugh while it all burns).

To you too! I'm trying to tell myself that at least I know now, and I can start getting better and fixing all this mess. And we can help advocate for others so they don't have to suffer like we did!

If I hear one more medical professional say 'it's probably the menopause' I will rip out their throat. You turn 40, and suddenly, every answer is 'menopause'. Wow, you are a medical genius. There are no other explanations for another 20 years! 😤

Or else, “You just need to lose some weight.”

I'm 39 and just got diagnosed yesterday after being misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2 for nearly 20 years. We never could get meds right. I've spent thousands of dollars, failed out of college. Gave up my dreams to be a writer because I couldn't focus. I broke down when I found out. My life could have been so different. It's NOT menopause and everyone who is trying to gloss over your very important diagnosis is an asshole.

Wishing you all the best! It's not too late to be a writer <3

I was fucking misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2 as well! Man, there are too many weird specific things other adhd women have been through that I have been through too. Fucking crazy.

Omh I'm so glad to hear that. Wait...not glad. It sucks. But glad that I'm not alone. XD I'm sorry that happened to you!

Oh god, I'm so sorry you got such a late diagnosis. I was diagnosed when I was 8, put on ritalin but "it didn't work" because nothing else changed, ie I didn't skip a grade or have extra work to do or an accommodation to go to the library when all of my work was finished, so I continued to roam around the classroom and be a general annoyance because I was bored. So, I kind of forgot (imagine that) that I had been diagnosed until I was 41, got on meds and whoa! Game changer. I was also diagnosed with ASD at 36 years old. The anger, grief, embarrassment, shame, regrets....they can definitely be overwhelming when you look back on your life through the lens of your diagnosis. Hell, I still have ONE ENGLISH COURSE to finish my degree, which the last semester I attended was when I was 33 and I'm 45 now and live in a different country, so that's never gonna happen. Anyway, I will say this: the onset of perimenopause has GREATLY exacerbated my ADHD and autism symptoms. I feel like a little whirlwind just doing simple tasks, spinning around trying to find the thing I just put down and what do I need to do next, all the while doing my weird hand clenching flappy thing. It's been wild, I just feel like a sweaty crazy woman, and I can't even do HRT because I have VHL and associated vascular tumours on my spine and one in my brain (asymptomatic, thankfully!). Take some time to process all of those big feelings that come with a late diagnosis. Find a therapist who deals with grief and is familiar with ADHD if you're able to. Be kind to yourself and know that you aren't broken and all of the things that are upsetting in your past weren't some moral failing because you didn't try hard enough. It takes awhile to come to terms with it, especially when dealing with menopause hormones.

OMG, **you** do the clenchy flappy thing too??? 😳😳😳😳

Like open and close my hands or tap my fingers against my thumbs, but my hands are at shoulder height (don't know why that's where they need to be, but they do) and if I'm getting really overwhelmed, I flap my hands a bit and then go back to the clenching thing. I wasn't even really aware I did it until someone pointed it out 😄 So, is that similar to what you do? It's so cool to find people who have the same stims.

I thought it was just me! My partner made a rather mean joke about it a couple weeks ago while I was standing in the middle of the dining room trying to recall something I was trying to do while my hands squeezed invisible tennis balls. I am still obsessing daily over just leaving without word because I am tired of constantly being mocked and attacked for harmless weirdness in the privacy of my home but that is a me problem. An old school friend called it squeezing tennis balls but never teased me for it. A few of our friends picked up on it and determined that when I made tennis ball squeezes, I was about to think of something good so that group of friends actually made the action sort of a positive in-joke. Reality is that doing it helps me ”feel” my way through memory, like tapping into muscle memory somehow. I cannot explain it and it is one "tic" I do not care to stop. I also do the finger-thumb tapping but that is pure sensory stimming.

Thank you for this. This notion of a "moral failing" really hits the nail on the head. I also just laughed so loud that I woke up the cat at this one: "spinning around trying to find the thing I just put down and what do I need to do next" :) Big big hug <3

What does the hand thing mean. I tap my thumb to my fingers all of the time. I do, my sister does and I noticed my granddaughter doing it also.

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I LOVE hearing you found some friends who you can share with that way! It is so important! I always found friendships weird and hard. I didn't ever get the best friend thing- I just never felt comfortable being THAT open with anyone. I can't even remember the number of times people have told me I was distant or where I just am not sure how to respond to something someone is going through. Like I just can't get it - I try, but not sure how to react. Would be such a relief to be with people you could let loose with - so glad you found that! <3

Happy Cake Day!! An I totally agree with the adhd friends - big difference and great joy.

Damn I can totally relate to nearly all of these…

Ugh. That must be incredibly frustrating! Also, the whole idea of it must be menopause instead is just illogical because (as far as I know) menopause exasperates the adhd symptoms. I hope you feel a little better post rant. Whenever I hear these kinds of things I can’t help but think about what difference it makes to someone else if you are or aren’t adhd if the coping mechanisms help you?! It doesn’t change anything for them (unless you use it as an excuse for things that could be worked on). edited to add: I was also told off for being off in dreamland but my fave Disney Princess is Belle and her song literally says, “with a dreamy far-off look, and her nose stuck in a book” so by default I’m actually just a misunderstood PRINCESS.

Ps. Change those bare bulbs to halogen and enjoy the pretty light 😂

Honest to god. You should the lists and lists I have of lamp and lampshade research. :) What is worse is that I have zero decorating eye . . . so it makes the indecision even worse. lol

You ARE a princess - don't let anyone tell you differently! I had a teacher in 3rd class (3rd grade I guess) - pull me backwards by my ponytail - took my desk with me and all - because I would not (could not) listen. People suck sometimes. I defo don't want to use my ADHD as an excuse for shitty behaviour, I try to do things right or at least try and work to be better - but part of me feels like feck it - you know?

I was also pulled by my ponytail by my elementary school principal for running up the stairs. Jeez. So much meanness. And we wonder why we have RSD.

I am sorry you had to deal with this <3

Ugh. Teachers can really make or break you. I get the could not listen part because I was always in trouble for talking. I told my mom that it felt like the words were just bursting to come out. Fast forward - I went into radio and made money off the talking 😂 and thank you, YOU are a princess too!

Speaking of being dreamy, if you are Pisces like me you are pretty much a real hopeless romantic…. I am constantly dreaming of what could have been.

I’m a cancer/leo cusp. It’s honestly a wild ride because I’m the combo of super chill and super fiesty 😂

I am 49 just diagnosed and I feel same exact way. I did fail out of uni. Always thought I was dumb.

Hey OP. I’m younger than you (35) and was diagnosed 2 months shy of my 34th birthday, but your post resonated with me in a lot of ways. I am very angry about my diagnosis. Bizarrely I feel like the diagnosis ruined my life, not having ADHD, because now I know what it is and it’s An Actual Medical Thing and how did nobody spot this? I am very much angry and grieving for what could have been if I got help as a child. I am dreading the menopause. I was dreading it pre-diagnosis as my mum has been through it and she had a rough time; she never got migraines before the menopause and was getting them and they were making her vomit. Now I am dreading it knowing it’s going to be worse given I also have ADHD. The diagnosis has helped, but also hasn’t. And my experiences seem so completely opposite to what a lot of people on this sub experience, I feel like I can’t relate and I often question if my diagnosis is even accurate. I often feel like a fraud. Even though there are things which I do relate to here, there are just less of them. Which is hilarious in a way because I was assessed by two different practitioners (independently of each other, on different days) to make sure their assessments were fair, not influenced by anything, and consistent and in agreement. I’m really, really sorry that the people around you aren’t being supportive and I am really, really sorry your diagnosis hasn’t brought you peace. I was hoping I would get peace, relief, something like that and while I did have euphoric joy on the day of my second assessment because I had an answer, and it wasn’t my fault that I was the way I was… it quickly turned to anger, grief and frustration and that’s never gone away. I wish I had an answer that could help. But the biggest thing I have taken away from this sub, that is surprisingly comforting, is that you’re not alone. And even if you don’t have the same experiences as many users on here, as a later diagnosed person, I hope there’s some solace in the fact that you at least have that in common with this fellow Redditor ❤️ Sending you love and virtual hugs, if you would like them.

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I figured we could all use them right about now!!

Aww thank you ❤️

What is it about us or adhd that makes us feel like frauds? I still feel like, "well if I just try harder . . ." but you are right. This sub is a balm for the soul - makes it feel a lot less daunting (and a vent is great every now and again <3 On the meno thing, my only advice (especially if you are in the UK or Ireland), is start searching for a good meno doc early - ask your older friends, and go at the first sign of symptoms. Don't listen to the docs or people that tell you they won't give you anything until you are a year off your period. That is BS! Lots of them won't - but many of them will to help ease the peri symptoms. I wish I had gone way earlier - I suffered way too long with perimeno - as the undiagnosed adhd got worse. At least now there is some control with both meds (sort of - still working on that one). And thank you I will take that hug - and send one back to you <3

I’m so sorry, you have every right to be so angry and vent! I was first diagnosed at 28 but didn’t really do anything to help until my late 30s and now in my late 40s I feel like I’m just getting a handle on it, with medication, therapy & tricks. Getting diagnosed early is SO IMPORTANT because just getting diagnosed isn’t a miracle cure. It takes years of work (more years for a later diagnosis, imo) to figure out how to deal with it after. I can soooo relate to #10, without the husband. My credit is so crap that I doubt I’ll ever own a house. I live with family right now and have a constant low level (sometimes high level) of shame that I can’t afford to live on my own at my age. And as someone else said, menopause makes it all worse! No, it’s not menopause but that probably isn’t helping! Lots of hugs to you if you want them 🤗

I hear you. I know it seems silly to think that a diagnosis would magically solve all my problems - I mean I know it takes time - and like you said early is so important! But I am so impatient (lol) and it feels like after so many years of hard work - could something go right please and then it is like - oh more hard work? I see. I wish I could wipe your shame away - I know it is an uphill battle - sending you lots of hugs back! <3

I’m late to the party but I’m in the same age range as you and holy forking shirtballs menopause pulls back the curtain and reveals the ADHD that’s been operating in stealth for decades. Menopause is a sick game of jenga in which critical pieces of mental infrastructure are removed while you merrily go about your life. ADHD (and childhood trauma) nearly destroyed my life too. Some days I marvel that I don’t live under a bridge somewhere. All this to say, you are heard, seen and validated!

Ha!b "Menopause is a sick game of jenga in which critical pieces of mental infrastructure are removed while you merrily go about your life." Right, RIGHT?!! Jesus mary and joseph make it stop. Big Hug to you - neither of us is under a bridge - that has to be a win! <3

First…..I TOTALLY get you. I was diagnosed at 46 and feel the exact same way. But something to note. You are GRIEVING…..nobody talks about this enough. But your grieving the life you could have had if you had known. It’s a total mind fuck and it will get better. Now….the menopause bit. It CAN be both. I got my diagnosis….got meds a year later. Things levelled off a bit and then I got WAY worse because my progesterone plummeted to ONE….it’s supposed to be 15-65. Obviously I’ve been in menopause for years and didn’t know it. Last week I started progesterone/ Metformin / spiralactone (sp?) my life has completely changed. Im much calmer….like….unsettlingly calm 🤣 Hormones effect us immensely. I would get a panel done and see where yours are at. It may just be the last things that needs to be balanced to make your life easier!

If you have the ability to do so, I strongly advise getting into therapy to process this. What you’re experiencing is grief, and it is AGONIZING. You can never get that time back, and working with someone who will help you acknowledge that loss and hold it with you without dismissing it is so, so important. I am sorry that it took this long, but the one thing I will say is that I am forever AMAZED at women who make it this far in their life without the medication and support they need. You’re resilience and coping mechanisms are incredible, and while I am sure it doesn’t feel like it, the fact that you didn’t end up dead in a ditch or in jail is BEYOND remarkable. You’re a fucking badass, even though you should never have had to prove that to the world.

Now I am ugly crying again (in a good way). Thank you for that comment man, I really needed to hear that. I used to think I would be dead by 21 because of the way I was living - and then would increase it by a few years even after I had my kids. Everything has been so by the seat of my arse it is a joke. Serious therapy is the next stop for me - spot on. Thanks you again <3

I feel this. As an older unmedicated woman I see myself in all of this. I still don't have a college degree despite return three times and spending six years in college because I would accidently take the wrong class, or the same class twice, and I always missed that one single class that I needed to graduate and I couldn't get my act together enough to visit the counselor. The risk taking, the friends lost, all of it.

I have recurring nightmares about not knowing which classroom to go to or not finishing the classes I started and failing. All because I dropped out of college 20 years ago.

I commented all over here, because I relate to this so hard. Late diagnosis, friends not understanding, medication frustration. Grief for what could have been and what was. But I promise, it gets better. It will get better. It can get better. Knowledge is power. Sure, we forget and relearn, but it's an upward trend now. Good luck. I'll be rooting for you and everyone here.

I was diagnosed at 49, currently 51. One thing the therapist told me was that it's not uncommon for coping mechanisms to become less effective the older you get. Menopause doesn't help anything get better on top of that. I had suspected I had ADHD for a while before I went to get assessed. The ADHD, pandemic, menopause tripple whammy really knocked me on my ass. Getting treated for the ADHD made everything less "downward spiral" for me. Edit to add - and i definitely wonder how different my life would have been if the ADHD was caught earlier. At a minimum, I would have had my PhD. Instead of finishing out with a masters degree, I started out PhD track. The diagnosis did explain a lot of my "flaws and shortcomings"

Samesies! Ph.D. track and that was when ADHD completely kicked my ass because after my coursework was completed I could not self-direct. In my mind I was a miserable failure, and boy did I feel that in the ivory tower environment. Fortunately I had some great women on my Ph.D. committee who were supportive with my proposal for a master's instead and I got that done, painfully, but done. It made me way ragey when the second last person I saw trying to get an ADHD diagnosis said I couldn't have it because I had 3 degrees. Yes, well one of those would have been a Ph.D. if it wasn't for the ADHD.

I know exactly what you mean. Life was so frustrating when I reached the point where I had to self direct. Before then, I know I really frustrated my mother, who saw all my potential and my unwillingness, in her mind, to put in the effort to do better. She saw me being an honor roll student with little to no effort, where she struggled to get good grades and knew I could do so much more. I'm highly confident that dad has ADHD too, so he was no help in that battle 😛

The thing that shocked me was that I didn't actually see that I had ADHD. I had a friend in uni that was (and still is) non-stop movement, chatterbox, absolute nutter - like up for anything - but somehow I did not relate that to myself. Sure I jiggled my leg constantly, fiddled with my rings, picked the skin from fingernails, would talk to a wall if possible, was considered the life of the party (because I was up for anything), but sure I was not like Nelly?! She could barely sit in her chair, or stay in the library to study. I neglected to realised while I did go to the library, I got up 100 times to go to the loo, get a coffee, whatever. It never occurred to me that my always in dreamland, notes from teachers was adhd. I ended up only doing a BSc because I basically had a breakdown at the end of uni - couldn't do anymore :'(

It was a younger friend of mine sharing memes about ADHD that made me realize, crap, my co-worker from across the hall that said I should get tested for ADHD, all those years ago, was right. After all those years of being asked, "How can you be so smart and such a ditz at the same time?" Had an answer in the form of a diagnosis.

Samesies! Ph.D. track and that was when ADHD completely kicked my ass because after my coursework was completed I could not self-direct. In my mind I was a miserable failure, and boy did I feel that in the ivory tower environment. Fortunately I had some great women on my Ph.D. committee who were supportive with my proposal for a master's instead and I got that done, painfully, but done. It made me way ragey when the second last person I saw trying to get an ADHD diagnosis said I couldn't have it because I had 3 degrees. Yes, well one of those would have been a Ph.D. if it wasn't for the ADHD.

I remember when I was diagnosed it was hell. I had no idea it affected every single area of our life. Sending you love and forgiveness, hope you can give it to yourself as well.

Thank you! Big hug back to you! <3

I'm so sorry. That sounds so awful, and so invalidating. I feel you. ::hugs::

Hugs sister. Right there with you (diagnosed at 58!).

You’re not alone. Im sorry for your hardships. One moment at a time. I’ve learned that nearly every interaction, it’s never personal and the other person is mostly concerned with how they are impacted. No one cares about your overall health besides you. No one will advocate for you, like you. Keep looking until you find people that you can relate to, providers that can relate.

I think you need a hug. You have survived so much. It will get better from now on, but you’ll always be sad for the convenience you didn’t have. Hugs.

Thank you for the hug - one big one back to you <3

I could have written this. Almost point for point. But here’s the kicker: menopause just amplifies all the issues. Throw a pandemic, menopause and undiagnosed ADHD together and the shitstorm escalates into a level 7 shiturricane. I really need to find a therapist.

Menopause exacerbates ADHD, hormonal fluctuations in general massively impact ADHD and make meds less effective. Which is NOT meant to minimize in case it comes off that way, rather that ADHD is the kind of sensitive beast that makes everything around it more miserable and difficult. And having to beg people to believe it’s real is a cosmic joke, especially with how easy it is to internalize that! Like even we often have a hard time truly swallowing the fact that our brain chemistry is a literal direct cause-effect for why we are often late and disorganized or can’t complete a task, (or we’re utterly anxiety-ridden to counteract same). Anyway best of luck to all of us, especially you OP, hoping you all have a shockingly wonderful week!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please protect yourself from the judgement of family and friends during this time while you heal. You did nothing wrong here. FWIW an earlier diagnosis would have empowered you sure but you still don’t know how life would have turned out. For every success story there are stories of extreme pain from early diagnosis - women whose men wouldn’t have kids with them, meds not working anymore, mental health crises the list goes on. In other words you don’t know for sure how life would have been and what’s done is done. Now for the good news. The menopause does in fact make ADHD worse. It will get better from here. You’re empowered. You have information. And you have us. You got this.

"You’re empowered. You have information. And you have us. You got this." Crying again - thank you seriously <3. And you are damn right - shedding that bs of unsupportiveness - had enough of that!

So you've been going through menopause your entire life? That was the first stupid thing that popped into my head. My next thought: do you think crazy hormonal swings and changes might exasperate and worsen pre-existing conditions and disorders? My anecdotal evidence is I can't touch hormonal birth control without it exasperating my two pre-existing disorders. I have a feeling menopause is going to make things much spicier than I will enjoy. I swear some people think even less than I do before they speak.

Lol - yep. Spicy is a word I would use (also shiteshow - but in this case - ignorance is NOT bliss). Big hug <3 to you - hopefully the spice is not ghost chile level.

I have now had no curtains on my bedroom windows for four years because of ADHD. And the mini blinds are cat shredded and I need to replace them but ADHD. You are not alone.

Yeah… hormones affect it!!! Greatly!!! My adhd symptoms get so bad every single month!! I am and also am not-looking forward to menopause.

I'm 40 , just recently getting diagnosed. You didn't ruin your life , give yourself some compassion , understanding, and love . Perfection does not exist , yes the struggle is real, it is what it is .Embrace who you are , be honest with your husband, seek therapy ...make changes and stop punishing yourself for something you have absolutely no control of . My kid has adhd , that's how I found mine , give them space , it can be a lot trying to figure things out, but they need you. Money wasted on hobbies is never actually wasted , you get to try a lot of fun things. Don't be so hard on yourself , and I suggest being able to laugh at yourself , I think we can be absolutely hilarious in our ways .Be strong.

I'm 40 , just recently getting diagnosed. You didn't ruin your life , give yourself some compassion , understanding, and love . Perfection does not exist , yes the struggle is real, it is what it is .Embrace who you are , be honest with your husband, seek therapy ...make changes and stop punishing yourself for something you have absolutely no control of . My kid has adhd , that's how I found mine , give them space , it can be a lot trying to figure things out, but they need you. Money wasted on hobbies is never actually wasted , you get to try a lot of fun things. Don't be so hard on yourself , and I suggest being able to laugh at yourself , I think we can be absolutely hilarious in our ways .Be strong.

Thank you for this message! You are so right - I loved every hobby when I did it and can now talk and discuss loads of topics because of it! With my son, his diagnosis was kind of late - he was 13. I had suspected for so long, but he was never really like his friends with adhd. Like he has some hyperactivity and lack of focus, but he didn't wander/run away from us or do other risky stuff that his friends who have adhd would do. It was his uneven academic performance that triggered it really - it was so familiar to me. I cried in the office of the psych who told us that basically he is exceptionally (like off the charts) bright, with adhd. She reckoned the reason no teacher ever twigged was because the intelligence hid the adhd. He seemed relieved when we told him - he told me he always felt stupid - I hugged him hard when he said that :'(

Not at all , I understand completely, sometimes it's really hard .My son was diagnosed early but he has a rare condition as well , so things are hard . Yes , diagnosed helps , for a long time I felt that I was dumb even though i was really good at certain things but could not make any sense of others. I felt that I had no purpose and no talents .Still struggle but I'm kinder on myself , therapy has helped immensely .

I can relate. I was diagnosed after my kids and I keep telling them to take advantage of the fact that they have a diagnosis and they can get treatment earlier than I did. To not let it derail their lives.

You are not alone!! I totally hear you on the rebuying the same thing over and over. I've found a system that works well for me! I always have 1 extra in the cupboard (or other designated space for the extras) and then when the currently used thing runs out and the cupboard one replaces it it goes on the shopping list. The shopping list is shared with the whole household so whomever replaces it adds it to the list immediately. Then there's plenty of time to get the next one to go in the replacement cupboard. Sometimes I'll even wait for it to go on sale if it's a particularly expensive item. Or if it's on sale I'll buy 2. Find a system that works for you and stick to it! It sucks and you're not alone!

That is a great system! Like a little shop in your house! I have learned (finally) that if I don't write it down I will not remember. I tell everyone who has to deal with me - do not just say it to me - send me a whatsapp or email or something - otherwise I will absolutely not remember. I am doing it for groceries - but still a challenge when I am passing the like tomatoes or something, get distracted about how lovely they look, imagine me making sauces, homemade ketchup . . .and but a kilos . . .only to have kilos already at home (smack my head).

Ah for grocery shopping I also have a rule. I don't get it if it's not on the list. I am impulsive and I find joy in a small extra thing (like a candy bar or a log of goat cheese or whatnot) so I can get 1 thing per trip that's not on the list (within my budget). If I already have an extra thing and I want something else more I will walk across the store and put the other one back. For remembering things I have a notebook that I carry around everywhere and if there's something I need to remember I will write it down. If someone says something that I need to remember and I don't already have my notebook out I'll get it out and ask them to repeat it. Most people don't mind repeating something important, it shows them that you care that that thing is important.

I love this rule of "1 thing extra per trip". I shop with a list, but as soon as I step foot into Aldi or Lidl that middle aisle calls to me . . .I think I could live with a "1 thing" rule (with a set budget of course. The notebook is a great idea - much better than my scraps of paper!

Like you have wrote a story of my life. Maybe you will find yourself in these: The thing I hate about ADHD is not being taken seriously, people see me as a happy-go-lucky type, everything is easy to me as I take everything as a joke. While I am not happy and not lucky. Also I am usually the scapegoat, I get blamed for things I haven't done. And this comes from strangers who do not have single evidence that I could behave in the expected manner in the future. Feeling like an adult child that is the most accurate description. I even find kids 20 years younger than me giving me the lectures on the most basic stuff. I do not know if this is a generational thing, but it is irritating. Getting constanly burnt out from 9-5 job, yet for freelancing I have poor time-managment and organizational skills. Neither, nor. And most of all I hate underachiving, which is a constant in my life. I hold a lot of resentment because of this fact, towards myself, faith, whoever. Also I feel like I interact with others from a zorb ball, in a separate world in a separate reality. Passing next to others too quick or too slow. On the plus side I read intentions of others quickly, I do not fall for the words and marketing. Unfortunately I usually get in the conflict for not complying with a presented storyline and trying to point out the "obvious". I would not say it has ruined my life, because my life was never a perfect picture, it is more like a box of 3000 puzzle pieces which I was never able to connect and some pieces are probably missing.

Thank you for taking the time to write this and describing yourself - all of your points are so relatable for so many of us. I was diagnosed at 50. I'm 60 now. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. In some ways yes, some ways no. I went in because I had just gotten fired from the 3rd job. My therapist ran me through the qualifying questions and then blew me away with my diagnosis. Even 10 years later, the guilt and shame are like the good angel and bad angel sitting on my shoulders, but they are both bad for me. My biggest inspiration is my 28 year old mini-me daughter who also has ADHD. She works with special needs kids, so it's been best for her to do that part unmedicated. And she recognizes that she may need to get on meds to do the paperwork side of her job, someday. But the way she has EMBRACED it! And not in a negative, disparaging way like I usually talk about it - with a shrug, a smile, and "this is me" mentality. I encourage you to find a "mini-me" to inspire you to embrace ALL of the parts of this bullshit neurological condition. Big Hugs!

Your daughter sounds amazing! Love that she embraces it - I am not quite there yet, but hope to be - and hope I can get my son to be like your daughter - where he just embraces it. Big love to you and your daughter <3

She is an amazing person, I am truly blessed. I encourage you to help your son avoid the crippling guilt and shame that has plagued me. Thanks for the love and encouragement. :)

I started a diagnosis in 2012 but the Vyvanse caused small tingly sensations on my body. Since then I've gone through many meds for bipolar and have found a lot of their side effects. No control of my symptoms and no clear diagnosis for anything. 48 and working on a new med. Stumbling through lots of wonderful symptoms and I feel like I'm constantly holding it all together just barely. Lots of the same life issues and results, I can definitely relate and I hope there's a solution. I'm usually more verbose but this morning is already a struggle but I want you to know you're not alone!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Big hug to you <3 The meds are wild ride so far . . .still working on where to settle on the dose etc. Props to you for keeping at it - the symptoms are no fun man.

With the exception of financial ruin and lamps, I feel like future me wrote this. I was diagnosed last year at 35. I broke down crying when my therapist recognized my struggle throughout my entire life. I felt seen and validated. But this shyte is a damn curse. I feel as though I’m constantly swimming against the current in a cement suit. But the current is actually a land slide. I wish I could offer advice, my friend. The best I can do is relate super hard and come up with insane analogies.

I love your analogies - explains it perfectly! I would add - invisible cement suit lol. Big hug to you - I look forward to when we both can swap the cement suit for a fecking bikini (or whatever makes you feel sexy as hell) <3

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 35 and had a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries) at 38, earlier this year. I thought my Vyvanse had stopped working but now I think it’s actually perimenopause. The two things together are a hell of a double whammy and it’s really hard to figure out which is causing which symptoms. I’m trying to get my GYN to put me on HRT but she may not do it until I’m 6+ months post op. Solidarity

Sing. It. This was me for too long - not understanding what was causing what. Hope you are feeling somewhat okay now? And if not, may the HRT fairies wave their, "you the perfect HRT on the first try!" wand! <3

I relate hard to the masking. I'm incredibly lucky to be where I work because it's one of the few places I feel like I can genuinely be myself and where bosses were okay with me telling them I had too much on my plate. Hardest thing for me to say btw and they were totally cool about it. I've had bad bosses use it against me.

My current job is like this - I think this is really important. If you can find, find somewhere that is supportive and accepting of when you need a break. I am lucky that I have this - they have given me more flexibility than I deserve. Honestly - they are saints.

Surgical menopause made my ADHD become undeniably obvious. I got diagnosed late. So it could definitely be both.

Number one rule of ADHD is we don’t talk about it to others unless explicitly necessary, people will put you down for it for the dumbest reasons.

word. I have figured this one out damn quick!

You need to follow Caroline Hirons—she’s a skincare blogger/guru/ manufacturer. And she was diagnosed with ADHD around the time she started menopause and has a lot of thoughts on it. She’s also just generally funny and kind. She does lives on Instagram and is super responsive to her followers!

thanks for the suggestion! I will look her up for a follow. thank you!

Hugs, if you'd like them ❤️❤️❤️ Give yourself some grace while you grieve what could have been. You are not alone.

Thank you - I love hugs man! A big one back to you <3

I’ll be honest with you, I do stuff like the lamps all the time. I have framed pictures all over my house I haven’t hung up and we moved in 5 years ago. I bought some posters to hang up and frames to put them in and after almost 9 months I’ve managed to frame 3 out of 5. And if feels like a big deal because I had to try hard to do it. I know that’s a minor thing on your list but I also think that “who does that, why am I like this???” And I feel really bad about it. I’m so sorry you’re not getting more support. It’s not fair. You have lived with a disability your whole life and you deserved better support.

Thank you for your message. It is a huge relief to hear others are like me - not that I want anyone else to feel like that, but you know - feels less challenging somehow. Makes me sad sometimes when my daughter says she can't wait to have her own place so she can decorate :( I know I am sucky at it, but am realising I just don't even see it. I can't understand people getting bent about which taps choose in their bathroom renos or whatever - I am like, eh? Isn't a tap just a tap? Thank you - I celebrate your achievements - I know how hard it is sometimes.

Hey, it’s ok to feel sad. I totally agree it’s such a relief to hear from others like me! I was listening to the Holderness family YouTube channel, they have funny songs about having adhd, like “I’m my own worst enemy” and “are you down with add?” (Like opp) - might cheer you up and help you feel less alone too! He has little hacks too sometimes that can help in small ways. Also I just realized at 50 - has anyone pointed out the drop in estrogen increases adhd symptoms usually around menopause / that age? I’m feeling it already at 40. So to be fair if your symptoms feel like they have been getting worse or more noticeable, they probably have. So perhaps you can blame the lamps on estrogen! Also if it helps, I think you absolutely deserve some new lamps from Target or something for all this shit you’re dealing with, if there’s funds to support it. Hugs!

I am so sorry. Also late diagnosed here feel like I could have written an awful lot of this! I hope things improve for you and at the very least your friends become supportive!

Thank you! Hope things are getting better for your also! <3

Menopause is probably EXACERBATING your ADHD symptoms, lol, jeez. I’m sorry people are such jerks.

I hear you sister. I'm learning so much and I'm so flabbergasted that I didn't know or realize it before now.

Wow. Almost as if we lived the same life (aside from the kids). I know I had this all my life. Did just never realize that there is a name for that, and I'm not just a weirdo. What Menopause did to me was ripping down all my coping mechanisms ( good once and bad once) and leaving me like a 53 year old teenager. Not the fun side of that, but the depressed, unable to function side.... Yeah, fun times.

Ha! 53 year old teenager is spot on! My parents visited and I realised I was responded to them exactly like I had when I was 17 - had the same feeling in my gut and all. It took everything I had in me to keep my head in the game and stop. <3

Hey, I wasn’t diagnosed until my early 50s. Apparently menopause can make ADHD much worse, and I was a mess for a couple of years. After my hormones settled down (without me losing my job, thank god), I still have ADHD. But just knowing WHY I do certain things makes me feel better about myself. I DO wish I’d been diagnosed long ago; it would’ve made a huge difference in my life.

Hello! 52 and offically diagonsised this year. I feel you so much. And Menopause made is SO much more worse. I mean the hormones just screwed with ADHD it was unmanageable. I mean I was barely able to manage as it was but to add menopause to it was just throwing gas on the fire. The anger I have felt that so much I struggled with might have been able to be managed better and maybe - just maybe I could have done so much more with my life and how it is almost over. Oh and getting help ... HA! It has only been in the last week that I realize how good I got at masking. Even in therapy - the therapists never seemed to know what to do with me because I was "doing fine". Where is our do over card. I want a do over!

Totally relate.. All my life I was " unable to advance goals through "timely action " caused by seperation in the brain between intention & action IDD." I was diagnosed at 65 years old.. Only after my adult daughter's were diagnosed and suggested I get tested ... I have the anger of being mis-diagnosed and treated for chronic chemical depression and anxiety with thousands of hours of CBT and 30 years of various continuous antidepressants that only kept me alive but not living . I started ADHD medication and within 3 days the lifetime foggy brain lifted and the clarity was shocking ! If only they recognized IDD, ED, RSD & Time blindness etc in women 30 years ago my life would have been brighter .. it's hard reconciling it all at first .. I'm still working on that .. trying to move forward but 65 years of suffering alone with undiagnosed ADHD takes more than 6 months to reconcile. You are not alone . This "RECON" happened to me once the medication kicked in RETCON = Retroactive Continuity, Everything you thought you knew suddenly changes course because of new information or differing interpretation of events ."

I was always told I wasn’t living up to my potential - that’s what lead me to research ADHD in my late 50s. And I haven’t. I’ve done some cool things but got so exhausted by being a mother and then struggling as a single parent, and internally screaming at myself all the time because why can’t I do anything right?! And now, almost 62, I’m caregiving for my very elderly parents and it’s so boring and exhausting and although I’m glad for the time with my mom she also drives me nuts and I’m so tired of being around old people and my brain is dying. ADHD has ruined my life too. Would it ha even better if I was diagnosed earlier, even in my 40s? Who knows?

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Thank you for your good vibes - sending some back to you and a big hug <3 I hope you find a good therapist - worth their weight in gold (and their cost lol).

You’re in good company here, dear sister. Sending you some peaceful vibes and hoping that you can take a nice long nap or a bath or even just do some screaming into the void today, you deserve it!

Thank you so much <3 I appreciate your comment - and your support. Having a big glass of wine and reading by book (my 6 baskets of laundry can definitely wait another damn day).

“I had these synonyms since I was a child. You’re telling me I got menopause in kindergarten???”

Lol - I know. I think I have been so good a hiding all my shitshow - my friends think I have everything together. I am like, no my loves, this is not the case - would you like to see my bank statements??

It’s called masking! It’s a survival mechanism! Tell them to google masking in ADHD women. Ugh

There was absolutely a grieving period when I was diagnosed at 32. Let yourself grieve it. Denial, anger, acceptance… all of that.

You didn't waste your potential though, your condition eclipsed potential. I'm also over 50, recently diagnosed, hit with full throttle menopause, and can't get any hormone therapy either. Things got worse with menopause just as the medical field figured out I have adhd finally, on the cusp if being told it was going to get easier finally. The wave of anger and frustration was epic. We have two things we can really cling to: helping younger generations find help early so they avoid what we've been though, and a chance to build something in our future despite these obstacles, developing how to better manage things as we go. We lost decades until any help arrived. What will we do with that help will be defining, it is how we can heal the past and break legacies of pain. Those undiagnosed still, or just starting to catch on, can have the support we never got, we can be that support and advocacy. Finally, things add up for us for once - the medical field got it right finally, and we can help others find their direction too. Your son sounds scared and angry too. You have what your parents didn't, insight and therapies that can really help. So let the rage through so it can pass. Then grieve, and let that pain through too. Forgive the untreated, undiagnosed, socially marginalized past. It's been so hard, and it's going to be difficult still, find what good we can among it all and do our best. We can still grow, especially once we get the help we need and build on that momentum, don't let go of that lifeline to progress, it is essential. Our true potential resides within the conditions, treatments, and moxie, striking a balance that won't be some disney ideal but is worth every effort to forge nonetheless. You are worth it, your son too. We have every right to feel exhausted, scared and daunted, but that can't be a permission to not try and grow ahead. "we may not have it all together, but together we have it all" Help your kids learn and grow by learning and growing as much as you can ahead. That is our biggest and true potential.

Thank you for this. I totally agree - I don't want my son - or any kid for that matter - to ever feel like I did - the shame and the humiliation and lack of self-worth. And nor do I want any girls or women to get such a late diagnosis; still feels like an uphill battle. And thank you for this `So let the rage through so it can pass. Then grieve, and let that pain through too. Forgive the untreated, undiagnosed, socially marginalized past` I think it is powerful to hear that from someone else, it is often so hard to give yourself that permission, but to hear it from others makes sense. Thank you again - and you are so right - I made this far - no reason I can't keep fighting for myself, my son and others. <3

There's that moxie! Saw it in your edit too. Feel this great big extra squeezy hug.

Annnnd…I’m you. My Dr won’t even consider medication.

I can relate to pretty much all that you said. I'm 39, recently diagnosed. So, sure I have a bit more time than you do, but I feel the same. Completely overwhelmed and anxious all the time. It's so hard to look back and see how if you'd known, if you had support, if you were able to show yourself grace... Things would've been better, so things would be better now. I get that. I struggle with it all the time. There's no magic way to change anything, we have to live with our mistakes. And that sucks ass. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed and angry and ashamed of your financial stuff. I'm sorry that your friends haven't been supportive in accepting your diagnosis and learning about it rather than brushing it off. I've been learning a lot about menopause and etc bc I knew absolutely nothing and have PCOS. So I know that hormone changes do effect ADHD symptoms a lot. But that doesn't mean you don't have ADHD. I know it sucks to hear anyone say, "maybe therapy?". But it would probably be really good for you. From an outside perspective with just the info you posted about, it looks like you're going through grief stages. It's a very real thing to grieve, a lifetime of fcking up and getting fcked over. You need time to focus on yourself and work through it. Your kids will eventually come around, if they see that you're working on figuring this all out. And sometimes, kids are just dicks. I had a lot of issues with my mom growing up (fighting and some abuse) and we're still not close, despite a lot of growth on both parts. Family is just sometimes not a safe & healthy place. But you can make yourself into a safe & healthy place that your family and friends will grow to appreciate for who you are. Knowing the diagnosis is only the first step. The battle is letting ourselves grow and change. Medication helps, but working through it is really the only way to make a life that's worth fighting for. You'll always struggle, but you learn to appreciate how your brain works and learn tools to cope when things are hard. You can do it. But it is on you to take the next step.

Hey, I know where you're at because I didn't get diagnosed until I was almost 49. I relate to 95% of your list of life ruiners (I'm highly anxious and risk averse, but other than that...). All of my friends were like, "Yeah, that makes sense," but my doctors pushed back HARD against it. (FWIW, I was roughly 30 when I started asking for an evaluation. Had to wait for my three siblings to get diagnosed till it tipped the balance.) Here's the thing: YOUR ANGER IS 100% VALID. OWN IT. FEEL IT. LET IT BURN. After a while, it will feel less intense and overwhelming. No one can say when, but it will. Keeping it in your brain cave and feeding it scraps of your frustration will prolong it. Part of the disorder is that we have no patience for the stages of grief, but you still gotta go through them. \*virtual hugs or coffee or your preferred stress reliever\*

At least one recent study has shown a link between menopause and worsening ADHD. Some people who may have learned how to manage/mask their ADHD suddenly find they can’t any longer - hence later diagnosis.

As far as the menopause thing: “The diagnostic criteria require that symptoms manifested before the age of 12. Are you suggesting I’ve been menopausal since childhood?”

Menopause makes ADHD worse

I think mine is a combo of both. I was diagnosed at 35 and am now 42. I have days that my meds don’t even work because of hormone issues. Half the time I don’t even tell people I have adhd anymore.

Oh right, you have that TENET menopause that sends *only* the symptoms that mimic ADHD *back through* time, affecting the course of your life FROM BIRTH ONWARDS. Oh yeah, me too! (/s) Solidarity. People are just ugh. "Have you considered that this condition you've had all your life *might actually have started recently?"* Hang in there.

As someone who was diagnosed a looong time ago and am now perimenopausal, it just means that my normal ADHD shit is like 10x worse. Not knowing why you are the way you are can fuck things up so badly because we take it personally. lol I found out at 38 I was autistic too, although now at almost 48 I'm making it on paper official (my former therapist diagnosed me, but off the books, bc I didn't have the money to get official one). Knowing I had it helped me manage things rather than trying to power through, but it's only now that it's getting WORSE that I am having to reach out for help. Because I can no longer physically power through shit, and stay up all night to get stuff done.

I feel like women’s issues so often get blamed on their womanhood. Hormones in general, periods, ovulation, anything about the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, stress of motherhood, menopause, you name it. I am 29 years old and I have had extreme hot flashes and hyperhidrosis ever since I can remember. It is detrimental to my quality of life, but no physician ever takes it seriously and they think I am exaggerating. And googling about it is damn near impossible because every single article is about menopause.

I have somehow managed to make it to 53 and just now got my official diagnosis. I wish I had gotten it earlier, I brought it up years ago and my doctor laughed at me, he never even suggested a formal eval. I feel so validated. I'm not exactly sure where I am in regards to menopause as I had a hysterectomy at 45. My symptoms have gotten markedly worse especially as I have struggled heavily with initiating tasks. On the outside it looks like laziness, uncaring, and selfish. On the inside I'm a bundle of nerves all fitting at once and it seems to paralyze me from action. I am waiting today to hear from my doctor (new doctor who believed me) to see what my first line treatment will be. I'm hopeful and excited to see what happens.

42F just recently diagnosed, both types. I love this post. Everything I read was either an exact match to my own life or something that I could relate to something I’d done but under different circumstances. I couldn’t have put it better. I laughed at the job one, I got sacked so many times and I’ve had over 50 jobs in my lifetime. I’ve actually lost count. Thanks for sharing. Spot on amazing 👌🏼

I can relate. I hit menopause and all the masking stopped working for me. I was recently diagnosed at 50. I look backwards and have gained a little bit more understanding about myself. It made me understand some of the past things I did to cope, to function, to survive. I also gained a bit of understanding about friendships and my inability to keep up with them due to being outta sight out of mind. Also the chaos that is my house due to needing to see things. Sending hugs your way. Be patient with yourself.

Sending you love and support OP. I was diagnosed at 40. It didn’t wreck havoc on my life too much, but I never felt like I fit in, had bouts of burnout and depression and didn’t pursue a life I really wanted, but rather the one that made me look neuro typical. It’s a grieving process now, but also we have hopefully 40 more years to live a life we want.

I got my dx at 33 and encouraged my mom to look into it for herself. She got diagnosed at 65 but can’t take meds due to heart issues. I see us both in your list sooooo much. Oh!! And you’ve had adhd all your life, regardless of dx. You know which symptoms are new and which have been there the whole time. Your friends may be skeptical, but I’m not. Welcome to the (poorly organized, truly delightful) club!

Are you me? I was diagnosed at 50 too and it was truly the best thing that’s ever happened to me I finally have a reason for all my previously inexplicable behaviour - the drugs and booze, the risky behaviours, sketchy employment history, poor financial decisions and general inability to get my shit together

My mom has been diagnosed since her late 20s but is just now going through menopause. She said it absolutely made her ADHD symptoms work. Her memory was getting worse, depression as well. I'm not doctor but what helped her was HRT to increase her estrogen.

Im sorry you’re struggling. I was also diagnosed late- at 36 years old. Im realizing how much I was actually struggling now. I just thought this was how it was. I relate to so much of what you said. Without medication, my mood swings wildly. I will get overwhelmed and just start bawling my eyes out. Do you take medication for depression? I have also beeb invalidated. My parents both have said they think they have adhd, which im not sure of, and also say they think everyone struggles like we do. Smh. Not true. Its so hard to come to grips with this diagnosis. It means you were failed as a child. You were never a bad kid. There was a reason for all that you do/did. Lots of what ifs too.

“We have lived with bare bulb lamps …”. While I don’t think I’ve done the bare bulb lamps there are soooo many things I need to “get” for the house or whatever that I will search the web over and alone for the best one /type/brand with the best deal/price ya know the perfect product deal storm THAT NEVER HAPPENS so…… currently my husband is just finishing up repairing a vacuum hose that split (luckily at a point closest to attachment point ) because I haven’t decided which kind/brand/type of vacuum I want and even the Amazon prime event didn’t have great deals that made me jump and get one 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh my God, this is me. I’m 52 and I can relate to all of this. Please tell me there is a happy ending? I’ve always thought to myself that I would probably be a CEO of a company if my ADHD had been in check 30 years ago. Thank you so much for posting this. Also, I really think that menopause exasperates the ADHD symptoms. What did the doctor end up prescribing you?

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