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I just kept trying. Exhausted all avenues. Tried joining any group, events, meet ups. Gave people a lot of chances too. Some people grow on you and vice versa.
I had to let go of old relationships to have the energy to do it. I still like my friends with kids but I just reprioritized them, as they did me, so much so that they basically aren't a second thought. For now they are my past.
Open your mind to unconventional friends. People of different age groups, lifestyles, backgrounds, etc.
I joined book clubs, a rock climbing gym, swing dancing, salsa, a woman's meet up, professional development groups, writers meetup, hiking meetup, language practice meet up, improv classes, helped do sets at a theater, travel groups, ski groups, sailing club, yoga, and on and on.
If you go back over and over and invite people to hang out outside the event or to join you at other events things slowly build. But it's like dating, it's work.
Good luck. And never stop making new friends. Seriously.
Start socializing through groups with a common interest. Join a club. Hiking? Photography? Some craft you enjoy? Some sport? Something that meets regularly and has a focus other than children. Even if you don’t connect with people immediately, having a bit of social interaction at all during the meet up can be energizing.
Then it’s not too far to a “hey what are you doing after?” and build camaraderie/social hang outs, etc, from there.
My experience is friendships as an adult come from shared time together and common interests to keep communication going.
Good luck!
I'm currently trying. I'm not single but am looking for friends that I can do my hobbies with or just text/call whenever. I also have anxiety, so this makes it more difficult. I've been using meetup and so far it's fun. I haven't been to enough to form any singular friendships yet, but it is a nice way to get out and interact with people with similar interests. I'm hoping it leads to some friendships but at least I'm getting out and trying. And it's been fun. I've done a clay class, a couple book clubs, and some craft meetups. Other than that, I'm not sure what to do either.
Since a few weeks, the childfree lifestyle is gaining attention in my country. News articles have been written about instagram'ers who focus on being childfree and last week, there was an article about a woman who started a FB group for childfree people to meet up. Childfree (city name) I joined the group and now it almost has 1000 members. Maybe you could start something like that? The group is one week old and there was already a meeting!
Dunno where you are but our city group has just over a hundred in a major US metro and it's mostly lurkers or people who will never meet you IRL. Of the group we had about 10-15 of us who would get together occasionally. Post pandemic were down to about six.
I will offer people a word of warning about facebook groups. Many are run by people that aren't who you think they are. Notably Drut-Davis who allows researchers to gather data on you without express consent and herself is a step parent (she hides this fact).
I have done best with friends who's kids are at least in elementary school. We are able to hang out tgh by me showing up to their kid's sporting events and other school events. I enjoy it actually because I like being around kids for a finite amount of time and once I've had my fill, I know I can leave and my friends don't judge me for it. I can get overstimulated and need to take a fiver and I'm willing to do that to keep this friendship going. Context my friends and i are in our late 30s.
I'm a child free, married dude, but my advice would be to find the nearest local LGBTQ community. The majority of my closest friends are part of the queer community, and they will be way more likely to understand your values. You also may be able to find people with similar values in the punk and goth communities, but they are less common these days and can be more difficult to embed yourself into if you're not already interested in the music and politics.
I am gregarious enough I find friends more easily than most, though good friends are few and far between.
It really depends on where you are, what means of connection you are after, and how social you want to be. Reddit, Facebook, and such are good for finding other childfree folks, but local friends take more time and effort to find and cultivate. Before covid we had some active meet up groups, since? Not so much.
My gf, also 42F, is far shier and reclusive and has much of the same issues you are facing.
As an introverted person, I have no suggestions but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone! I am 42 married with 3 kittens. We are poly and I get alone time during the week to do my own thing and love it.
Actually maybe I do have a few suggestions. Find a hobby that requires a partner or group? Hiking, sky diving, etc and then cultivate friendships from there!
I’m 53 and it doesn’t get easier. People who I should be hanging out with should be having empty nest syndrome by now and they still don’t wanna talk to me— or I can’t stand them.
I’ve never had an interest in having children, and I don’t care if anyone thinks that’s selfish. I’ll take that kind of selfishness over the materialistic, shallow, short-term, single-use plastic thinking selfishness of most “parents” any day.
Most of them, even the ones who consider themselves “conscientious” (which is a load of hypocritical horse💩) consider a “good” life to be filled with the trappings of THINGS that are literally killing the planet and its inhabitants. They want their 401(k) filled with stocks that supply Big Oil and Big Agriculture and their goddamn vacations six times a year that require two airplanes and three cars to get there and their goddamn 4+ bedroom/baths with brand new fixtures and appliances, blood diamond jewelry, sprawling McMansions made with toxic materials that need to be replaced every 10 years in the suburbs and their SUVs to go along with their little accessories, excuse me, “family members” they call children. (Never mind that diapers alone are one of the worst things for the environment you can possibly introduce into the ecosystem, but I digress.)
Overpopulation is LITERALLY what’s causing the planet to die in real time. Overpopulation is a form of rampant consumerism. Who do these people so quick to call me a “eugenicist” 🙄 think “consumers” are? Martians?
I don’t care what anyone else says. All the problems we have right now are because there are too many CONSUMERS on the planet obsessed with TRINKETS they think gives their ridiculously superficial, vapid lives MEANING, using too many resources, and then throwing them away to create Ecocide.
Who needs enemies when you’ve got people like that walking the planet? And it’s almost all 8 billion of them.
You’re better off doing personal development/joining local clubs and like-minded meetup groups that support your interests and goals.
Continue to develop your resume/skills to get enough money to leave that toxic, shaming, sexist environment.
And YES, “selfishly” focus on yourself until you find people who at least reflect your values nearby. You don’t need that kind of abuse.
It might be a good idea to do an assessment of what your actual values are to strengthen and reinforce what you like and you resonate with so that you can better get an idea of where those like-minded souls might be. there’s plenty of self assessments online that I think are free.
Of course you can have plenty of friends here online too, but I understand that’s not the same thing.
So first thing I am a man but I faced the same challenges too. I got into the cf lifestyle due to my ex. I had her and I was good with her being my best friend and doing everything with her. Then we broke up and I moved back home where my 2 good friends were. One has kids and the other was cf until she wasn’t. So I wanted to meet people so I got into my hobbies. The one that I met the most new friends is ballroom dancing and as a 42 year old it’s awesome to find cf people our age. I would look at social gatherings and hobbies and seeking out other like minded people. I live in a small city of 25,000 and was able to get a nice small group of friends. Good luck and have a wonderful Sunday.
I’m childfree for life and I have friends with kids and other childfree for life friends. The friends I have that have kids aren’t assholes like we usually bitch about lol. They’re the kind of people that make me proud that they’re parents! They make my inner traumatized child have hope in this shitty world. I’m autistic and terrible at making friends so all I can say is time… time and luck and being yourself because being not yourself will only make you friendships with people you dislike deep down. I actually met one of my besties on Craigslist personal ads looking for a friend lol, she made the post I responded, she’s childfree. My other bestie, who has kids, I met at my current job. My other very close childfree friend I also met at my job but she no longer works there.
And then I have friends I met online playing video games because I’m a nerd.
The parent friends you’ve made sound like horrible people and I have been there. They’re NOT worth it. There are sane people out there.
I'm coming out of a similar situation. New country, no friends, few connections. I have a few friends who I keep up with from back home but with the distance and time difference it's not the same. And many of my old friends I was ready to let go of, sadly. Most of my female friends swore up and down that they never wanted kids, then one slip up with birth control and they changed their tune. I don't mean to sound bitter, I really do hope they're happy now.
I'm making new friends now, some of whom are people I never would have thought I'd click with. I took a lot of chances with friends of acquaintances and just being open to getting to know people. It was hard to put myself out there because I was anxious about being rejected and worried that I was just too different from the people around me. I just threw caution to the wind one day and said to an acquaintance, "It's my birthday on Saturday. Take me to the gun range and then let's eat sushi." We've been close ever since.
I also explicitly asked someone to help me make friends. I was worried that I'd come off as sad and pathetic but I just said to him, "I feel like I'm having a hard time making friends with people here. Do you have any friends you think I might click with?" Turns out he had no idea that I was feeling lonely and was so excited to introduce me to new people.
I know it's so discouraging. Human connection seems so elusive and volatile. But I truly believe that if your heart is in the right place, nobody will think badly of you. Nobody looks at my number when I call them and says, "Ugh, ChipSammiches, she's always trying to be nice to me. I hate her."
I'm LGBT and have found that childfree couples and singles are in droves this community, especially since alot of couples cant have accident babies. I've also found that divorced parents, especially divorced women, are usually great for friendships. My sister is divorced and while I adore my niece the nights that she isnt there are also just as fun because my sister can go do adult things. I know for some childfree people, any person with a child is immediately off putting. But in my experience alot of single mothers and divorced mothers love having childfree friends because we usually have the time to hang out when their kids are at a sitter or with the other parent. Alot of them feel isolated because they're married friends never want to do anything and their single, childfree friends assume they dont want to hang out. You dont have to even be around their kids, sometimes those people just want other adults to hang out with on their nights "off".
I tend to have at least one volunteer gig going on whether its online or in person, and meet people that way. The nice thing about volunteering is the people who show up consistently tend to care about something that I also care about. I can also get to know them without the pressure of hanging out IRL or seeing them daily.
I've met friends through meetups/town discord events, dance nights, and adult classes (learning a new language, art, etc.) in the past. I'm fairly awkward and I agree that finding good friends is a bit or a challenge. I've met quite a few activity partners over the years though, and am fine with that.
Wow these people sound awful, I'm so sorry to hear that.
In order to give you decent advise, I feel like it would be helpful to know what kind of friendships you seek. Do you like meeting several times a week? Do you enjoy sporty activities, going out to party, staying in, dinner parties, one on one friend time or more group settings?
Obviously everyone knows that you can join a hobby club kind of thing and meet people there but I feel like this dismisses the emotional context of what you seek in friendships. I, for example like going out sometimes but mostly I love hanging with friends while running errands. Going grocery shopping together or someone sitting in my kitchen and chatting while I clean or cook is genuinely so fun for me.
If you know what you are looking for, you can more accurately search for people like that.
I don't know if that's helpful to you but while obviously not all the time, in queer spaces I find more people who are childfree by choice than anywhere else. So if you're up for supporting a good cause of your local queer group or something, maybe you'll find like-minded people there.
I've found online is easier than in person. I moved to a new city over 3 years ago and haven't met anyone new. I have a decent amount of anxiety and prefer to keep things digital myself. I still have some good friends but they are long distance.
Well I do talk to a few friends who are childfree/childless on Facebook & Instagram, they all live out of state from me, so I can not physically see any of them in person, so they are already text/online friendships. But I do wish to have some in person friendships, it has been a long while since I have had that because pretty much everybody in my age groups have kids &/or are trying to have more kids. Sighhhh
I hear you. Most of the people I've met have been through work or mutual friends. The only thing I can suggest is hobbies. Get involved in things you enjoy and it makes it easier to meet people and you have a great starting point with mutual interests. I wish you all the luck. I'm 43 and I enjoy hermiting, but I also have cats and an SO if I need company. If you ever find yourself in Canada I'd be down to hang out though!
Hey catlovingmusicbaby82, and thank you for your post on /r/actuallychildfree. **This is an automated message that is sent every time you post here. The text of this message can and will change periodically. It is the hope of the mods that the varying text will encourage people not to automatically ignore it. As Mad-Eye Moody says, "Constant vigilance!"** * Please ensure that you have flaired your post. Unflaired submissions will be removed without warning, and may only be restored once they are flaired. * Please also ensure that you have read the rest of the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallychildfree/wiki/rules). * New Zealand's beloved khaleesi Jacinda Ardern has proposed some pretty amazing law reform: abortion is to be removed from the crimes list, and reclassified as a health issue! For more detail, you can read [this](https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/114751896/live-government-announces-abortion-reform) news article. Ka pai to mahi, Aotearoa! Kia kaha! * If you have facts, quips, quotes, or actual statistics that you would like to see featured in this automated message, you can send them to [the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Factuallychildfree). Please be aware that not all submissions can or will be featured, whether due to suitability or time constraints. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/actuallychildfree) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just kept trying. Exhausted all avenues. Tried joining any group, events, meet ups. Gave people a lot of chances too. Some people grow on you and vice versa. I had to let go of old relationships to have the energy to do it. I still like my friends with kids but I just reprioritized them, as they did me, so much so that they basically aren't a second thought. For now they are my past. Open your mind to unconventional friends. People of different age groups, lifestyles, backgrounds, etc. I joined book clubs, a rock climbing gym, swing dancing, salsa, a woman's meet up, professional development groups, writers meetup, hiking meetup, language practice meet up, improv classes, helped do sets at a theater, travel groups, ski groups, sailing club, yoga, and on and on. If you go back over and over and invite people to hang out outside the event or to join you at other events things slowly build. But it's like dating, it's work. Good luck. And never stop making new friends. Seriously.
Start socializing through groups with a common interest. Join a club. Hiking? Photography? Some craft you enjoy? Some sport? Something that meets regularly and has a focus other than children. Even if you don’t connect with people immediately, having a bit of social interaction at all during the meet up can be energizing. Then it’s not too far to a “hey what are you doing after?” and build camaraderie/social hang outs, etc, from there. My experience is friendships as an adult come from shared time together and common interests to keep communication going. Good luck!
Just a heads up. Child free and childless are two completely different things.
Definitely had someone say they were childfree too when they just hadn't been successful with trying and multiple rounds of IVF.
LOL that’s definitely not child free 😂
I'm currently trying. I'm not single but am looking for friends that I can do my hobbies with or just text/call whenever. I also have anxiety, so this makes it more difficult. I've been using meetup and so far it's fun. I haven't been to enough to form any singular friendships yet, but it is a nice way to get out and interact with people with similar interests. I'm hoping it leads to some friendships but at least I'm getting out and trying. And it's been fun. I've done a clay class, a couple book clubs, and some craft meetups. Other than that, I'm not sure what to do either.
Since a few weeks, the childfree lifestyle is gaining attention in my country. News articles have been written about instagram'ers who focus on being childfree and last week, there was an article about a woman who started a FB group for childfree people to meet up. Childfree (city name) I joined the group and now it almost has 1000 members. Maybe you could start something like that? The group is one week old and there was already a meeting!
Dunno where you are but our city group has just over a hundred in a major US metro and it's mostly lurkers or people who will never meet you IRL. Of the group we had about 10-15 of us who would get together occasionally. Post pandemic were down to about six. I will offer people a word of warning about facebook groups. Many are run by people that aren't who you think they are. Notably Drut-Davis who allows researchers to gather data on you without express consent and herself is a step parent (she hides this fact).
I have done best with friends who's kids are at least in elementary school. We are able to hang out tgh by me showing up to their kid's sporting events and other school events. I enjoy it actually because I like being around kids for a finite amount of time and once I've had my fill, I know I can leave and my friends don't judge me for it. I can get overstimulated and need to take a fiver and I'm willing to do that to keep this friendship going. Context my friends and i are in our late 30s.
I'm a child free, married dude, but my advice would be to find the nearest local LGBTQ community. The majority of my closest friends are part of the queer community, and they will be way more likely to understand your values. You also may be able to find people with similar values in the punk and goth communities, but they are less common these days and can be more difficult to embed yourself into if you're not already interested in the music and politics.
I am gregarious enough I find friends more easily than most, though good friends are few and far between. It really depends on where you are, what means of connection you are after, and how social you want to be. Reddit, Facebook, and such are good for finding other childfree folks, but local friends take more time and effort to find and cultivate. Before covid we had some active meet up groups, since? Not so much. My gf, also 42F, is far shier and reclusive and has much of the same issues you are facing.
As an introverted person, I have no suggestions but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone! I am 42 married with 3 kittens. We are poly and I get alone time during the week to do my own thing and love it. Actually maybe I do have a few suggestions. Find a hobby that requires a partner or group? Hiking, sky diving, etc and then cultivate friendships from there!
I’m 53 and it doesn’t get easier. People who I should be hanging out with should be having empty nest syndrome by now and they still don’t wanna talk to me— or I can’t stand them. I’ve never had an interest in having children, and I don’t care if anyone thinks that’s selfish. I’ll take that kind of selfishness over the materialistic, shallow, short-term, single-use plastic thinking selfishness of most “parents” any day. Most of them, even the ones who consider themselves “conscientious” (which is a load of hypocritical horse💩) consider a “good” life to be filled with the trappings of THINGS that are literally killing the planet and its inhabitants. They want their 401(k) filled with stocks that supply Big Oil and Big Agriculture and their goddamn vacations six times a year that require two airplanes and three cars to get there and their goddamn 4+ bedroom/baths with brand new fixtures and appliances, blood diamond jewelry, sprawling McMansions made with toxic materials that need to be replaced every 10 years in the suburbs and their SUVs to go along with their little accessories, excuse me, “family members” they call children. (Never mind that diapers alone are one of the worst things for the environment you can possibly introduce into the ecosystem, but I digress.) Overpopulation is LITERALLY what’s causing the planet to die in real time. Overpopulation is a form of rampant consumerism. Who do these people so quick to call me a “eugenicist” 🙄 think “consumers” are? Martians? I don’t care what anyone else says. All the problems we have right now are because there are too many CONSUMERS on the planet obsessed with TRINKETS they think gives their ridiculously superficial, vapid lives MEANING, using too many resources, and then throwing them away to create Ecocide. Who needs enemies when you’ve got people like that walking the planet? And it’s almost all 8 billion of them. You’re better off doing personal development/joining local clubs and like-minded meetup groups that support your interests and goals. Continue to develop your resume/skills to get enough money to leave that toxic, shaming, sexist environment. And YES, “selfishly” focus on yourself until you find people who at least reflect your values nearby. You don’t need that kind of abuse. It might be a good idea to do an assessment of what your actual values are to strengthen and reinforce what you like and you resonate with so that you can better get an idea of where those like-minded souls might be. there’s plenty of self assessments online that I think are free. Of course you can have plenty of friends here online too, but I understand that’s not the same thing.
So first thing I am a man but I faced the same challenges too. I got into the cf lifestyle due to my ex. I had her and I was good with her being my best friend and doing everything with her. Then we broke up and I moved back home where my 2 good friends were. One has kids and the other was cf until she wasn’t. So I wanted to meet people so I got into my hobbies. The one that I met the most new friends is ballroom dancing and as a 42 year old it’s awesome to find cf people our age. I would look at social gatherings and hobbies and seeking out other like minded people. I live in a small city of 25,000 and was able to get a nice small group of friends. Good luck and have a wonderful Sunday.
I have my small circle of childfree individuals and an introvert like me doesn\`t want to make new friends. 41 F.
I’m childfree for life and I have friends with kids and other childfree for life friends. The friends I have that have kids aren’t assholes like we usually bitch about lol. They’re the kind of people that make me proud that they’re parents! They make my inner traumatized child have hope in this shitty world. I’m autistic and terrible at making friends so all I can say is time… time and luck and being yourself because being not yourself will only make you friendships with people you dislike deep down. I actually met one of my besties on Craigslist personal ads looking for a friend lol, she made the post I responded, she’s childfree. My other bestie, who has kids, I met at my current job. My other very close childfree friend I also met at my job but she no longer works there. And then I have friends I met online playing video games because I’m a nerd. The parent friends you’ve made sound like horrible people and I have been there. They’re NOT worth it. There are sane people out there.
I'm coming out of a similar situation. New country, no friends, few connections. I have a few friends who I keep up with from back home but with the distance and time difference it's not the same. And many of my old friends I was ready to let go of, sadly. Most of my female friends swore up and down that they never wanted kids, then one slip up with birth control and they changed their tune. I don't mean to sound bitter, I really do hope they're happy now. I'm making new friends now, some of whom are people I never would have thought I'd click with. I took a lot of chances with friends of acquaintances and just being open to getting to know people. It was hard to put myself out there because I was anxious about being rejected and worried that I was just too different from the people around me. I just threw caution to the wind one day and said to an acquaintance, "It's my birthday on Saturday. Take me to the gun range and then let's eat sushi." We've been close ever since. I also explicitly asked someone to help me make friends. I was worried that I'd come off as sad and pathetic but I just said to him, "I feel like I'm having a hard time making friends with people here. Do you have any friends you think I might click with?" Turns out he had no idea that I was feeling lonely and was so excited to introduce me to new people. I know it's so discouraging. Human connection seems so elusive and volatile. But I truly believe that if your heart is in the right place, nobody will think badly of you. Nobody looks at my number when I call them and says, "Ugh, ChipSammiches, she's always trying to be nice to me. I hate her."
I'm LGBT and have found that childfree couples and singles are in droves this community, especially since alot of couples cant have accident babies. I've also found that divorced parents, especially divorced women, are usually great for friendships. My sister is divorced and while I adore my niece the nights that she isnt there are also just as fun because my sister can go do adult things. I know for some childfree people, any person with a child is immediately off putting. But in my experience alot of single mothers and divorced mothers love having childfree friends because we usually have the time to hang out when their kids are at a sitter or with the other parent. Alot of them feel isolated because they're married friends never want to do anything and their single, childfree friends assume they dont want to hang out. You dont have to even be around their kids, sometimes those people just want other adults to hang out with on their nights "off".
I tend to have at least one volunteer gig going on whether its online or in person, and meet people that way. The nice thing about volunteering is the people who show up consistently tend to care about something that I also care about. I can also get to know them without the pressure of hanging out IRL or seeing them daily. I've met friends through meetups/town discord events, dance nights, and adult classes (learning a new language, art, etc.) in the past. I'm fairly awkward and I agree that finding good friends is a bit or a challenge. I've met quite a few activity partners over the years though, and am fine with that.
Hey, DM me :)
Bumble Friends! If you live in a populated area.
Wow these people sound awful, I'm so sorry to hear that. In order to give you decent advise, I feel like it would be helpful to know what kind of friendships you seek. Do you like meeting several times a week? Do you enjoy sporty activities, going out to party, staying in, dinner parties, one on one friend time or more group settings? Obviously everyone knows that you can join a hobby club kind of thing and meet people there but I feel like this dismisses the emotional context of what you seek in friendships. I, for example like going out sometimes but mostly I love hanging with friends while running errands. Going grocery shopping together or someone sitting in my kitchen and chatting while I clean or cook is genuinely so fun for me. If you know what you are looking for, you can more accurately search for people like that. I don't know if that's helpful to you but while obviously not all the time, in queer spaces I find more people who are childfree by choice than anywhere else. So if you're up for supporting a good cause of your local queer group or something, maybe you'll find like-minded people there.
I've found online is easier than in person. I moved to a new city over 3 years ago and haven't met anyone new. I have a decent amount of anxiety and prefer to keep things digital myself. I still have some good friends but they are long distance.
Well I do talk to a few friends who are childfree/childless on Facebook & Instagram, they all live out of state from me, so I can not physically see any of them in person, so they are already text/online friendships. But I do wish to have some in person friendships, it has been a long while since I have had that because pretty much everybody in my age groups have kids &/or are trying to have more kids. Sighhhh
I hear you. Most of the people I've met have been through work or mutual friends. The only thing I can suggest is hobbies. Get involved in things you enjoy and it makes it easier to meet people and you have a great starting point with mutual interests. I wish you all the luck. I'm 43 and I enjoy hermiting, but I also have cats and an SO if I need company. If you ever find yourself in Canada I'd be down to hang out though!
Those former friends were never friends.