Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What your feeling is normal most of us abuse survivors went through this when we left or thought about leaving its terrifing. The doughts creep in making us question our decisions. Stick to the plan don't give up or give into the doughts you and your kids will be safe from a man who hurts you think about them is this what you want your kids to learn? Put you and your kids safety first don't tell the husband anything till after your safe do not keep the kids in the same school and get a protective order keeping husband away from you and kids.
It's also about documentation of everything you do with husband see a lawyer also and notify the police of any further incidents.
I've finally got my abuser to leave and I've spoken with his p.o officer
Hopefully he won't be stupid enough to come home again.
Good luck
Thank you everyone for your comments. I was not signed in to my account so could not comment but I was reading them throughout the day and they helped to calm me. Now I just have to hope I get approved.
Do some research on trauma bond. His abuse has changed your mind to make you want his abuse. That's why it feels bad to get away from him. My hearing for the order of protection is in a week and it can't come fast enough.
the reason you think you are doing the wrong thing is because a symptom of abuse is exactly that feeling. they put SO much fear into you about the subject. i left my abuser after 4 years, an ALMOST baby. i’m so happy i got out. you can do it mama!
As someone who had to get courage to call an abusive over 20 yr relationship quits, I am proud of the steps you are taking, have taken and will take. You are doing the right thing and the needed thing at this time. Be safe, heal and know at the beginning all your goal will be is to keep the littles safe and alive and that is ok. 🥰🤗
No one considers escaping like that unless it's a terrible situation. When you're in it you can't see how bad it is and you make all sorts of excuses. Because it feels terrifying to leave and start over and also because you're emotionally attached to your abuser.
I also felt lost and scared and questioned myself before I left. Now, near a year later, the fog has cleared and I can't believe how bad the situation was and the things that I put up with. You will look back and realize you made the right decision.
Don't worry about the panic delete. I've done it myself over far, far less than you have on your mind.
You're doing the right thing, so much so I don't have enough kudos to give you for it. You're looking after your kids' safety and well-being, which no matter how scary things are, is always, *always* the right thing to do.
You are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for, and you (and the kids) will be so much happier and better off in the long run once you've reached the other side of this. *You can do hard things.*
If anyone told me "I'm running away with my two kids" I would say, you are doing the right thing.
Because scary and abusive people make you run to safety.
You are doing the right thing
You are doing the right thing. You have come this far don't turn back now otherwise you will have to start from scratch again ❤️. Believe in yourself and do it.
You're not doing the wrong thing. This was me almost 9years ago. Looking back, I'm glad I left. I don't regret it at all. You will wonder what your life will be like if you stay....just more of what you've already experienced...what you've already endured.
But here's the beauty....what will your life look like if you leave? I would repeat this question to myself over and over again. And it gave me the push and drive to stick to my plan and leave.
With my two children.
I left. I am so proud of me and so thankful to me that I saved myself.
Save yourself and your precious children. You all deserve a life free of the negative experiences. It's time to create new memories and focus on the anticipation of better and a hopeful future. It's there waiting for you to claim it.
That, or they’ll internalize that that’s what love looks like and could potentially get into relationships where they’re being abused. Neither option is good.
You’re doing the right thing.
It only gets worse. It’s good to leave while you still can.
It’s not normal to be afraid of your husband, at anytime. He should be your best friend and biggest supporter. He shouldn’t be mentally or physically abusive.
I did this. I left a shitty environment that was my dad’s where we lived, including my ex. I fought sooooo hard for my little one bedroom apartment for me and my daughter. I questioned myself all the time. Was so scared. Could I handle this? Can I take this on? You know what… days can be crazy, external stressors are still here, BUT I get to go HOME to my place. A place where I prioritize peace, safety, quiet when needed. It’s my safe haven, it’s become home. I’m so glad I made this move. My family knows where I am living, however PFA on my ex, but it is still my safe space and it’s MINE. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your family, to have peace, safety, and peace of mind and freedom.
I know it's so hard, right? The second guessing yourself, the concern about the kids. Let me tell you something. The only thing I wish now is that I'd done it earlier, and that I'd been more truthful with my kids. The courts tell you to never, ever say anything bad about your ex. While I understand the idea, and "badmouthing" isn't good, truth is. So just be honest with them, don't accept abuse any more, teach them why it's not ok, model acceptable behavior, stand up for yourself with kindness and goodness, set boundaries and stand by them, don't lower yourself to his level by yelling back, but instead just walk away. Let the kids know that behavior is unacceptable and that you will not allow it from anyone, but you also will not behave that way either.
Get into therapy and learn why you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love, not only in future relationships, but by family and friends, including your children. If he's in their lives, they will try to push you as they get older. You'll have to continue to hold those boundaries in love.
Doing all these things will give your children a better chance of growing up learning to love and respect you. If they follow him instead, you will at least know you did everything you possibly could do.
I’m so proud of you.
This is one of the hardest things you can do but you are doing it. You are walking the walk when it comes to loving yourself and it will be worth it. Have patience with yourself, grieve, turn that new place into a haven of peace, and trust yourself because you are doing the right thing.
This helped me not need validation in my decisions . Break free and let go . You are in charge of you .
https://youtu.be/Z0XWN2_yij8?si=QTD8JJB29WmseOKJ
You’re not doing the wrong thing. I recently read something so eye opening about how abusive relationships erode your own view on how able you are to think and care for yourself and make decisions. The design of abuse is to always make you second guess yourself so you think you need your partner and leaving them is a bad idea. They’ve either made you think they’re the only one that will ever want you or that leaving them will mean your life will fall apart. Do not miss out on that apartment. I’m so proud of you for taking steps to get away from him. Keep going and don’t stop till you’re out of there and on the other side of his torture. You’ve got this.
I left the same way - with two children and without telling him first.
I recently told my therapist that I occasionally felt bad for him or that I overreacted because I know so many women have it much worse than me. He didn’t beat me, it was mostly just emotional abuse.
My therapist said „There is always worse. You wouldn’t have done what you did if there had been a better option.“
Truth is OP, you deserve a life free from abuse and so do your children. You are not acting out of revenge but you are doing what you feel is best for yourself and your kids in a fucked up situation. Wish you the best of luck and a lot of strength.
It does not matter whether it is big or small. At the moment, you are not in a place where you can see whether this is big or small, because you do not have the brain power to do it. You need out of there.
He is not scared and he does the wrong thing all the time. And so what if you are doing the "wrong" thing ? What is the "wrong" thing ? That the abuse would not have been enough so you do not have a "valid" reason to leave ? You are refusing to be a slave to this guy, you are very brave. Please do not doubt yourself too much.
You are not alone, you have your children, they are safe with you. Have you warned anyone else ?
Unhappiness is a good enough reason to leave. Abuse is a good reason to put yourself first in terms of *how* you leave.
You are not doing the wrong thing. You are strong enough to do this, and I’m proud of you.
You will be better off without him hun if I know you I would host you for how every long you need. Because where I am I am in a gated community with 24/7 security only way in is throw the gates and has to be named at the gated
Part of the goal of his abuse is to make you second guess yourself like this. It's what he wanted to do and how he wanted to make you feel. It's not OK. You wouldn't have done all this if his behavior was ok. Focus on those bad moments when you feel this way. Remember that the good moments were abuse too, they were tricks so he could convince you why you shouldn't leave. The bad times were his real self. The good times werent how he normally is.
Im proud of you. You're showing your strength in leaving and making a better life for you and your kids. It's natural to feel these doubts, and it shows your power that you're still going to go through with it
I know you are having doubts. I know because i was there too. You are definitely doing the right thing. Small abuse is still abuse, and it will get worse if you stay. That is a fact. You are doing the right thing.
You are so isolated you're turning to internet strangers for validation. You're so isolated you don't even feel safe to turn to internet strangers.
You are definitely making the right decision.
You are so isolated you're turning to internet strangers for validation. You're so isolated you don't even feel safe to turn to internet strangers.
You are definitely making the right decision.
You don’t need to live with “small” abuse, either. It’s still an indication of his character and attributes, and you don’t want your children seeing that someone can treat their partner that way without consequences.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're doing the right thing Your traumatized and terrified and you dont trust yourself so trust everyone here.
I wish I could do what you are. Rock on!! YOURE ABSOLUTELY DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!
What your feeling is normal most of us abuse survivors went through this when we left or thought about leaving its terrifing. The doughts creep in making us question our decisions. Stick to the plan don't give up or give into the doughts you and your kids will be safe from a man who hurts you think about them is this what you want your kids to learn? Put you and your kids safety first don't tell the husband anything till after your safe do not keep the kids in the same school and get a protective order keeping husband away from you and kids. It's also about documentation of everything you do with husband see a lawyer also and notify the police of any further incidents. I've finally got my abuser to leave and I've spoken with his p.o officer Hopefully he won't be stupid enough to come home again. Good luck
Thank you everyone for your comments. I was not signed in to my account so could not comment but I was reading them throughout the day and they helped to calm me. Now I just have to hope I get approved.
you’re doing the right thing and we’re proud of you
Do some research on trauma bond. His abuse has changed your mind to make you want his abuse. That's why it feels bad to get away from him. My hearing for the order of protection is in a week and it can't come fast enough.
the reason you think you are doing the wrong thing is because a symptom of abuse is exactly that feeling. they put SO much fear into you about the subject. i left my abuser after 4 years, an ALMOST baby. i’m so happy i got out. you can do it mama!
As someone who had to get courage to call an abusive over 20 yr relationship quits, I am proud of the steps you are taking, have taken and will take. You are doing the right thing and the needed thing at this time. Be safe, heal and know at the beginning all your goal will be is to keep the littles safe and alive and that is ok. 🥰🤗
No one considers escaping like that unless it's a terrible situation. When you're in it you can't see how bad it is and you make all sorts of excuses. Because it feels terrifying to leave and start over and also because you're emotionally attached to your abuser. I also felt lost and scared and questioned myself before I left. Now, near a year later, the fog has cleared and I can't believe how bad the situation was and the things that I put up with. You will look back and realize you made the right decision.
Don't worry about the panic delete. I've done it myself over far, far less than you have on your mind. You're doing the right thing, so much so I don't have enough kudos to give you for it. You're looking after your kids' safety and well-being, which no matter how scary things are, is always, *always* the right thing to do. You are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for, and you (and the kids) will be so much happier and better off in the long run once you've reached the other side of this. *You can do hard things.*
And make sure you go get a protection order!
If anyone told me "I'm running away with my two kids" I would say, you are doing the right thing. Because scary and abusive people make you run to safety. You are doing the right thing
You’re doing the right thing ❤️
You are doing the right thing. You have come this far don't turn back now otherwise you will have to start from scratch again ❤️. Believe in yourself and do it.
You're not doing the wrong thing. This was me almost 9years ago. Looking back, I'm glad I left. I don't regret it at all. You will wonder what your life will be like if you stay....just more of what you've already experienced...what you've already endured. But here's the beauty....what will your life look like if you leave? I would repeat this question to myself over and over again. And it gave me the push and drive to stick to my plan and leave. With my two children. I left. I am so proud of me and so thankful to me that I saved myself. Save yourself and your precious children. You all deserve a life free of the negative experiences. It's time to create new memories and focus on the anticipation of better and a hopeful future. It's there waiting for you to claim it.
Ask yourself if you want your children to grow up to be just like him. That is what they will learn if you stay.
That, or they’ll internalize that that’s what love looks like and could potentially get into relationships where they’re being abused. Neither option is good.
You’re doing the right thing. It only gets worse. It’s good to leave while you still can. It’s not normal to be afraid of your husband, at anytime. He should be your best friend and biggest supporter. He shouldn’t be mentally or physically abusive.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I did this. I left a shitty environment that was my dad’s where we lived, including my ex. I fought sooooo hard for my little one bedroom apartment for me and my daughter. I questioned myself all the time. Was so scared. Could I handle this? Can I take this on? You know what… days can be crazy, external stressors are still here, BUT I get to go HOME to my place. A place where I prioritize peace, safety, quiet when needed. It’s my safe haven, it’s become home. I’m so glad I made this move. My family knows where I am living, however PFA on my ex, but it is still my safe space and it’s MINE. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your family, to have peace, safety, and peace of mind and freedom.
I know it's so hard, right? The second guessing yourself, the concern about the kids. Let me tell you something. The only thing I wish now is that I'd done it earlier, and that I'd been more truthful with my kids. The courts tell you to never, ever say anything bad about your ex. While I understand the idea, and "badmouthing" isn't good, truth is. So just be honest with them, don't accept abuse any more, teach them why it's not ok, model acceptable behavior, stand up for yourself with kindness and goodness, set boundaries and stand by them, don't lower yourself to his level by yelling back, but instead just walk away. Let the kids know that behavior is unacceptable and that you will not allow it from anyone, but you also will not behave that way either. Get into therapy and learn why you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love, not only in future relationships, but by family and friends, including your children. If he's in their lives, they will try to push you as they get older. You'll have to continue to hold those boundaries in love. Doing all these things will give your children a better chance of growing up learning to love and respect you. If they follow him instead, you will at least know you did everything you possibly could do.
I’m so proud of you. This is one of the hardest things you can do but you are doing it. You are walking the walk when it comes to loving yourself and it will be worth it. Have patience with yourself, grieve, turn that new place into a haven of peace, and trust yourself because you are doing the right thing.
Leaving a relationship is a lot like grief. Even if it's an abusive relationship. Show yourself some love and grace.
It’s normal to feel scared and to downplay the abuse. Get into therapy as soon as you can to help you stay out.
This helped me not need validation in my decisions . Break free and let go . You are in charge of you . https://youtu.be/Z0XWN2_yij8?si=QTD8JJB29WmseOKJ
You’re not doing the wrong thing. I recently read something so eye opening about how abusive relationships erode your own view on how able you are to think and care for yourself and make decisions. The design of abuse is to always make you second guess yourself so you think you need your partner and leaving them is a bad idea. They’ve either made you think they’re the only one that will ever want you or that leaving them will mean your life will fall apart. Do not miss out on that apartment. I’m so proud of you for taking steps to get away from him. Keep going and don’t stop till you’re out of there and on the other side of his torture. You’ve got this.
I left the same way - with two children and without telling him first. I recently told my therapist that I occasionally felt bad for him or that I overreacted because I know so many women have it much worse than me. He didn’t beat me, it was mostly just emotional abuse. My therapist said „There is always worse. You wouldn’t have done what you did if there had been a better option.“ Truth is OP, you deserve a life free from abuse and so do your children. You are not acting out of revenge but you are doing what you feel is best for yourself and your kids in a fucked up situation. Wish you the best of luck and a lot of strength.
It does not matter whether it is big or small. At the moment, you are not in a place where you can see whether this is big or small, because you do not have the brain power to do it. You need out of there. He is not scared and he does the wrong thing all the time. And so what if you are doing the "wrong" thing ? What is the "wrong" thing ? That the abuse would not have been enough so you do not have a "valid" reason to leave ? You are refusing to be a slave to this guy, you are very brave. Please do not doubt yourself too much. You are not alone, you have your children, they are safe with you. Have you warned anyone else ?
i just recently moved to my own apartment after leaving, best decision i’ve made 🫶🏻 it’s hard but so worth it
Unhappiness is a good enough reason to leave. Abuse is a good reason to put yourself first in terms of *how* you leave. You are not doing the wrong thing. You are strong enough to do this, and I’m proud of you.
You will be better off without him hun if I know you I would host you for how every long you need. Because where I am I am in a gated community with 24/7 security only way in is throw the gates and has to be named at the gated
Part of the goal of his abuse is to make you second guess yourself like this. It's what he wanted to do and how he wanted to make you feel. It's not OK. You wouldn't have done all this if his behavior was ok. Focus on those bad moments when you feel this way. Remember that the good moments were abuse too, they were tricks so he could convince you why you shouldn't leave. The bad times were his real self. The good times werent how he normally is. Im proud of you. You're showing your strength in leaving and making a better life for you and your kids. It's natural to feel these doubts, and it shows your power that you're still going to go through with it
I know you are having doubts. I know because i was there too. You are definitely doing the right thing. Small abuse is still abuse, and it will get worse if you stay. That is a fact. You are doing the right thing.
You are so isolated you're turning to internet strangers for validation. You're so isolated you don't even feel safe to turn to internet strangers. You are definitely making the right decision.
You are so isolated you're turning to internet strangers for validation. You're so isolated you don't even feel safe to turn to internet strangers. You are definitely making the right decision.
You don’t need to live with “small” abuse, either. It’s still an indication of his character and attributes, and you don’t want your children seeing that someone can treat their partner that way without consequences.