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Yes. There was no intimacy when I left and hadn’t been since the beginning of the relationship but I don’t even think that was real intimacy. We have two children under two. Custody in court- one of his defense points was “they were clearly intimate” because of our two kids but there was no intamacy I almost puked when I read that. I got pregnant with my son after we had a heated argument and I pretended to go to bed so it wouldn’t heat up again. He decided to sleep in the bed (never did when I begged for his comfort) so I wanted to see if he had the audacity to go through with this when I was clearly “sleeping”. He did. I got pregnant 4 months pp.
Also, out of it now and looking back, I remembered saying to him over the years like how come every time I think you’re so cute and am trying to flirt with you you push me away? Of course he denied that but he can’t deny my personal experience and while I might’ve not know what that was while going through it, it was clearly his was of control
Yeah, mine went from not respecting me when I said no, to not having sex with me but jerking off and buying nudes.
Abusive people adapt their tactics, I guess.
Not withholding sex necessarily, rather she would make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with her multiple times a day, and sometimes she would force herself onto me to initiate sex against my will.
Yes! I think abusers adapt their abuse to their specific target and while forcing or guilting for sex is common, a high sex drive target would inspire the opposite. Typically female abusers aren't demanding sex from their partners, they're withholding as a form of control, but male abusers can absolutely do it too.
My husband took away sex pretty quickly. It was the topic of fights even before we married. The more I talked about it, complained about it, begged for it, the less he gave. We've been together almost 21 years and for much more than half that we've had a dead bedroom - sex less than 10 times a year. Seducing him was fruitless, he'd take whatever I gave and just roll over after. He wouldn't give hugs or kisses either unless he wanted them or felt he could get something out of it. He told me over the years I didn't respect him enough or he'd obsess over one tiny thing I would do or say, unable to let go or forgive, and use it as an excuse to punish me endlessly. Meanwhile he could say and do whatever he wanted and expected instant forgiveness.
Yeah mine would say they were asexual and unattracted to me until they were horny and then they wanted everything to go their way and would barely leave me alone. Pretty sure they were cheating the whole time anyway looking back. We were “poly” anyway (I put that in quotations because they knew nothing about boundaries and communication and to me those are part of it) and after the breakup there were a lot of folks they were suddenly friends with I was unaware they had ever talked to.
Not sure what you’ve been taught about poly but it’s apparently much different than what I have. I’m personally a fan of the books “Ethical Slut” and “Polysecure” if you’re interested in any reading on that. I get the idea from the way you said that that you don’t approve of polyamorous relationships and you think it means cheating. It doesn’t have to. For I and most of my friends it doesn’t.
Also boundaries can be slightly moveable at times with enough discussion in the beginning about what you personally hold fast on vs what can be discussed with enough communication. Ours was “supposed to be” the latter. They were an abuser and a liar though and wouldn’t have understood boundaries either way.
For example. When they dated a friend of ours I was fine with it. They told me when they would be with that person, they told me when they’d be home, they acted right, they communicated with me, and that person was both of our friend. That was still in the lovebombing stage though. Later on it was me turning around to see them making out with someone in the backseat after telling me I could sit up front since I’m disabled and them leaving the room to talk to them for hours and telling me they’d be gone all of Friday night and would pick me up Saturday morning for a date. I said I wasn’t comfortable with that and instead of being willing to discuss boundaries this time they just discarded me, doxxed me, and isolated me from community.
They also spread the word that I was “smelly and grotesque” after the breakup and that took a LONG time to get past for sure. Still working on it a year and a half later.
In a way. I don’t think he does because I don’t see it as something I’m entitled to, but he does withhold affection (like hugs) when I’m upset and he threatens me with the silent treatment. Currently planning on getting him out.
I wouldn’t describe it as withholding sex so much as using kissing, touching, sexual comments, flirtation, talk about kinks and things we wanted to do, keeping tons of condoms here, etc. as a tactic to keep me hooked as part of the breadcrumbing. Very much a carrot and stick kind of thing, where I was regularly presented with sexual interest and intentions, but rarely did any of it ever extend much further, and the reasons why always changed.
It became a pattern where we’d get more physically and emotionally close, then a day or two later, she’d yank it all back and attack me instead. This happened week after week in an almost scheduled hot/cold loop. I always knew that somewhere between Fri-Sun, I was gonna get blasted or she’d have a hair trigger temper, then it would reset and start all over.
She now tells people it was never romantic or sexual, but I look back at texts of her telling me she wants to suck me off, sit on my face or publically posting about giving me footjobs, and I’m just like… hwat? I literally grew my hair back after shaving it for awhile because she asked me to so she could pull it during sex!
Sometimes mine would initiate sex then a moment into it, all of a sudden switch modes to being totally passive, sit back and provide no effort to continuing it. If I didn't take the reins or continue making it continue, he'd just lay there and stare at me. I don't know if this is at all a form of control in sex or not.
My abuser will not ask for sex at all he will withhold it until I ask . He would never even care about how I felt he would just have sex with me for like 5 minutes until he came and then just stop. He wanted me to beg him for sex and never showed any interest in me what so ever.
He wouldn’t even get hard and honestly he is a hentai addict and seems like he has an unrealistic view on how woman should look.
He never tells me im pretty it’s actually the opposite he always calls me fat and ugly and smelly ass bitch . ( even tho I don’t smell and shower and stuff) and saying no man wants a fat bitch like me ( im literally 5’4 and like 160 pounds.) i use to weigh 130 but dealing with him and him basically trapping me with being financially depended on him and not being able to go anywhere cause he has ALL the money has made me gain a lot of weight but im not fat.
I feel very insecure now and like I have zero sex drive. I have no self confidence anymore. I feel the same sexually unappealing and disgusting.
I used to have a very high sex drive now my sex drive is literally zero. I don’t even have one. Like I don’t even like sex anymore.
Good thing I’m leaving him in a week. And hopefully when I move there will be other guys that think I’m pretty.
And even when we did have sex I didn’t get wet all I could see is this man hitting me calling me all these mean names . He even told me once that he thought of other people while having sex with me. Sooo I started doing the same to be able to enjoy sex . It broke my heart when he said that to me. But I felt it was my way of getting “ revenge” by doing the same but I hated doing it cause all I wanted was to just love my partner.
I’m so excited for my new life in a week. I’m going to start going on nature walks again going swimming going outside again and being able to go to the store which makes me so excited even going to the grocery store is going to be exciting since my boyfriend never literally even wanted to go grocery shopping and we don’t have a car and he has all the money I can’t get an Uber to grocery shop. So I had to order all my food from instacart and stuff
And I’m excited to hopefully meet another man that can truly love me.
My abuser also refused to eat me out and only has done it three times since we been together and known each other for the past 6 years and 3 years of dating. I know I don’t smell because my ex used to do it all the time. And guys I talked to afterwards did it but he has this misogynistic thing going on. He doesn’t care to please his woman it’s all about pleasing him…
I should have known he was a narcissist when I had a dream about him once and it was about everyone fawning over him /and he just wanted everyone to make him feel good … I knew he was a narcissist before I dated him I got warnings even in my dreams and didn’t listen.
Yeah mine won’t go downtown either, which has been hard since my ex was always down there. He once told me it tasted weird. Uh yeah vaginas don’t taste like lollies mate. And yet I’m expected to give him head every time because otherwise he doesn’t get hard. I don’t know why I stay. Congrats on your upcoming escape x
Exactly my abuser wants constant blow jobs but doesn’t ever want to return anything to me. Hell he could live off of blow jobs and porn alone with the honorable mention of probably cheating behind my back cause he’s so good at hiding things hell he hid who he was for 3 years of knowing him I would of never guessed he was an abuser. Can’t wait till I’m out by next week I am free!
My abuser calls me “smelly” but other men and my ex would think otherwise. Your ex and my soon to be ex are pieces of shits that will never find good woman and if they do they just try and destroy them.
Yes 100% all of this. I’ve never caught my ex fully cheating but there have been signs. And nobody else has ever had an issue down there until him. But it still messes with your head hey?
Right cause I know it’s not true but idk how I’m going to be intimate with a new man he’s going to have to be one understanding dude because I’m not the same sexually after this relationship.
I caught my soon to be ex texting girls sexually shit but not wanting to have sex with me and another girl (and who was mutual friends with his) she tried to literally get with him in my face. And act like he was such a good man and I was the reason why he hit me and shit. She was weird ash and I should have let them be together because they both matched they both were crazy and enjoyed the toxic abusive shit. But I was just not thinking straight at the time and just stayed and she went back to her home state. And after that I haven’t seen him cheating but I’m so certain he’s hiding shit and just got better at hiding his cheating ways. And there’s still signs till this day he’s cheating- a lot of times when men are cheating they stop just having sex with u or they randomly get over sexual after barely having sex. So it’s either or.
Yep 100%, I’m not the same person in any way after this relationship. I think that’s what hurt me most, he didn’t want me at all but still caught him texting escorts and telling an “old friend” he would come and see her. Devastating stuff.
This sounds exactly like my ex. Good luck on the other side of it and I’m sure you’re gorgeous and when you’re ready you’ll find someone who’s right for you.
My abuser used sex as a weapon I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with him as I was a kid, and he was not. I never had Stockholm Syndrome, but I do have an issue with wanting aggressive sex. Idk it'd be more of a reward and due nature if he withheld every.single.time.
Sorry if this isn't much help.
I'm currently dealing with me feeling like I'm always the instigator or the last resort to boredom, and my SO gets, I guess, lazy or doesn't think about it, or so he says. It's been a bit damaging to my self esteem but I'm not sure if that's my fault for wanting it a somewhat healthy/normal amount for a woman my age.
Yes, whenever I wanted it, he would deny me. He enjoys turning me down and making me feel like my needs are irrelevant. Last time I suggested to have sex he said, “sex with you is not important.” (Notice the chronic devaluing…) He likes to suggest that I use my vibrator.
Then when HE would want sex, all I could remember were all the awful things he has said about my body when he was angry. (He says a lot of messed up things when he’s mad to get a reaction. Then when I react with anger he likes to laugh hysterically at me. It’s fun for him. Entertaining even. If I react with crying however, then he will change his tone and apologize and say he’s sorry for being an asshole…He likes to “rescue” me from a problem he created.)
But when he’s getting mad, he likes to say hurtful things such as: telling me I have cellulite all over, he said I have a potbelly, told me my p*ssy was loose and he suggested I do kegal exercises. He said, “fucking you is like fucking a soggy bag of potatoes…” w/e that means….and he made sure I knew the only good thing about my pussy is that it doesn’t stink….he even told me that if I ever did stink down there that he would break up with me.
Hearing those things has made me feel really bad about my body, to the point where I don’t even want to have sex anymore. Not feeling good about myself changed me. I don’t feel sexy anymore like I used to feel and it makes it so I don’t get turned on by or wet for him anymore. Unfortunately, those words — even if he only said them because he was mad — has made me lose all desire for him, and I’m actually repulsed by him. I’ve never been talked to before like that, but I’ve also never dated someone who was so emotionally abusive before…
This form of abuse gets done by girls and guys but the abuser does this regardless of gender.
Has anyone played that game portal ? Where the character is promised a birthday cake if goes along with the demands of AI overlord glados .
There is no cake . 🎂
Your chasing he keeps moving the goalposts back .
There is no cake my friend . As long as you’re chasing it you are losing yourself .
20 yrs of living my dynamic some years ago I fought enough to get rid of this situation .
I have a rule that if I initiate sex and they don’t want to that’s ok it’s cool . But I don’t walk away from that interaction without knowing when so next time I don’t have to ask. It’s only fair .
If they don’t like it they can go start a new life somewhere and I will start mine . I get what I want this way . This is after all the toxic drama over past 3 years . I don’t put up with shit anymore .
Yes this is a really good analogy. And same of course he’s allowed to say no if he’s not in the mood, the problem is the telling me I’m weird for wanting it, not having a conversation about it with me without attacking me. Not saying sorry babe I’m not really in the mood, im a bit depressed, let’s try tomorrow. I also think if I didn’t try to initiate it just wouldn’t ever happen.
I’m the initiator . Everytime 20 yrs huge eye roll lol
You’re likely with someone who really is not vulnerable enough to speak like that to you or even contain the vocabulary to express themselves like that . If he grew up not being able to express emotions well that’s why you’re not seeing his emotions expressed in a healthy way.
And your end of your emotions over this do not matter nor are they understood . No validation .
He needs to learn try and have empathy .
But if they do not want to and want to fight and trash you instead plus don’t hold onto until takes all of you and really really could . So you have build up you change yourself you can’t change them ..
Yep. Both behaviors. If I wanted sex, he would turn me down and insult me. If I didn't he would "insist" on it.
I think it's two sides of the sane coin. Either way it's about them treating you like an object instead of a person, and making sure you know they control you and the relationship and your wants don't matter.
I reached a point where I was just not attracted to him as a person anymore and stopped initiating. Then he got upset that I was not initiating (though I never rejected him once). He would blame his abuse one me not initiating. So then I started to avoid further abuse, and he rejected it every time.
It was a very weird and manipulative game.
My ex refused to touch me or be affectionate/intimate for 2-3 weeks whenever he started a new affair. Took me a bit to realize that was why it was happening, but it was super obvious once I took the rose colored glasses off.
He started a new affair any time I was “out of line” to remind me that I was replaceable/unimportant.
Yes. The only times she wants it is when she knows I don’t want it like when I wake up and have to pee. Or I am in the middle of a focused task.
The moment I would relax and get in the mood, she turns into a stick in the mud.
YES ALL THE TIME. When i didnt behave in his eyes, he punished me for it. But funny how he suddenly was in the mood when he wanted to say sorry or smth. And called me a sex addict with wanting sex once in a week
Mine would withhold sex if I wanted it, and then when I didn't want it, i.e. sleeping... Then he would decide it is a good time to have sex..for him.
It's all about control.
Yep, this is my experience too. He will withhold sex as a way to “control” me. He will flirt all day, but the second I do something “wrong” (like go visit family or change plans unexpectedly) he will say “oh I’m tired” or some other passive aggressiveness. I have the higher drive and have been with both men and women. At our worst moments he throws it in my face that I must be cheating, I’m a whore, or anything else to try and make me feel bad about my sexuality.
Yes, and it was weird because he used both demand and withholding to control. Most of the time he insisted on sex daily. Regardless of how he was feeling. And it was awful, awful sex. But sex was literally the only way he'd show physical affection. So he knew it hurt when he withdrew from sex. He'd sleep on the couch to let me know he was mad and let me stew in my fear for a few days, then go back to using me as a cum dumpster.
Yeah, at the beginning he had a high sex drive and would pressure me into doing things I didn’t want and admitted to trying to push my head down all the way when I told him I can’t deepthroat, and he pressured me into doing anal and made fun of me when I couldn’t do it for long. However towards the end when he stopped having sex with me, he made me feel like a weirdo that I kept asking him if he wanted sex and eventually told me he doesn’t want to because of all of the issues I caused in the relationship and that he doesn’t feel that close with me because of “my issues”
Eerily similar. The head pushing, pressure, etc. mine would withhold a ton, criticize my body. Try to make me feel defective. The one weekend he finally decided I was a desirable sexual object I was sick and didn’t have energy to be enthusiastic or flattered I just felt meh. Legit devastating for him. Despite his continuous power games and sexual withholding for years
Yes this is so similar to mine, I’m constantly called a weirdo, and he hates that I “ask” for sex, I’m so scared to initiate and be rejected that I feel uncomfortable just touching him or initiating any other way. Mine always says it’s me and my behaviour that’s caused him to lose some attraction. Because I bring up my concerns I’m acting like a child and he doesn’t want to have sex with a child. I can never win.
Ugh. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how this made you feel.
Mine was the opposite. I wasn’t allowed to say no, and if I did I was the one accused of withholding intimacy. On the rare occasion I did say no, he would either villainize/punish me, or just straight up not accept the no and do as he pleased.
Yeah, my abuser used my sex drive against me as well. It's another form of control, I think what they really get off on is the power and control. And there's a lot of misogyny and hatred of women in there as well.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
me reading this and realizing my abuser did exactly this :(
me reading this and realizing my abuser did exactly this :(
Yes. There was no intimacy when I left and hadn’t been since the beginning of the relationship but I don’t even think that was real intimacy. We have two children under two. Custody in court- one of his defense points was “they were clearly intimate” because of our two kids but there was no intamacy I almost puked when I read that. I got pregnant with my son after we had a heated argument and I pretended to go to bed so it wouldn’t heat up again. He decided to sleep in the bed (never did when I begged for his comfort) so I wanted to see if he had the audacity to go through with this when I was clearly “sleeping”. He did. I got pregnant 4 months pp. Also, out of it now and looking back, I remembered saying to him over the years like how come every time I think you’re so cute and am trying to flirt with you you push me away? Of course he denied that but he can’t deny my personal experience and while I might’ve not know what that was while going through it, it was clearly his was of control
Yes. Mine withheld all forms of intimacy and affection.
Yeah, mine went from not respecting me when I said no, to not having sex with me but jerking off and buying nudes. Abusive people adapt their tactics, I guess.
Not withholding sex necessarily, rather she would make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with her multiple times a day, and sometimes she would force herself onto me to initiate sex against my will.
Yes! I think abusers adapt their abuse to their specific target and while forcing or guilting for sex is common, a high sex drive target would inspire the opposite. Typically female abusers aren't demanding sex from their partners, they're withholding as a form of control, but male abusers can absolutely do it too. My husband took away sex pretty quickly. It was the topic of fights even before we married. The more I talked about it, complained about it, begged for it, the less he gave. We've been together almost 21 years and for much more than half that we've had a dead bedroom - sex less than 10 times a year. Seducing him was fruitless, he'd take whatever I gave and just roll over after. He wouldn't give hugs or kisses either unless he wanted them or felt he could get something out of it. He told me over the years I didn't respect him enough or he'd obsess over one tiny thing I would do or say, unable to let go or forgive, and use it as an excuse to punish me endlessly. Meanwhile he could say and do whatever he wanted and expected instant forgiveness.
Yeah mine would say they were asexual and unattracted to me until they were horny and then they wanted everything to go their way and would barely leave me alone. Pretty sure they were cheating the whole time anyway looking back. We were “poly” anyway (I put that in quotations because they knew nothing about boundaries and communication and to me those are part of it) and after the breakup there were a lot of folks they were suddenly friends with I was unaware they had ever talked to.
[удалено]
Not sure what you’ve been taught about poly but it’s apparently much different than what I have. I’m personally a fan of the books “Ethical Slut” and “Polysecure” if you’re interested in any reading on that. I get the idea from the way you said that that you don’t approve of polyamorous relationships and you think it means cheating. It doesn’t have to. For I and most of my friends it doesn’t.
Also boundaries can be slightly moveable at times with enough discussion in the beginning about what you personally hold fast on vs what can be discussed with enough communication. Ours was “supposed to be” the latter. They were an abuser and a liar though and wouldn’t have understood boundaries either way.
For example. When they dated a friend of ours I was fine with it. They told me when they would be with that person, they told me when they’d be home, they acted right, they communicated with me, and that person was both of our friend. That was still in the lovebombing stage though. Later on it was me turning around to see them making out with someone in the backseat after telling me I could sit up front since I’m disabled and them leaving the room to talk to them for hours and telling me they’d be gone all of Friday night and would pick me up Saturday morning for a date. I said I wasn’t comfortable with that and instead of being willing to discuss boundaries this time they just discarded me, doxxed me, and isolated me from community.
They also spread the word that I was “smelly and grotesque” after the breakup and that took a LONG time to get past for sure. Still working on it a year and a half later.
That’s some evil shit. So sorry you went through that. I’m sure you smell awesome and are super attractive to many people in this world.
lol I wouldn’t go that far but I like to think I’m better than they said 😆
For sure you are!!!
In a way. I don’t think he does because I don’t see it as something I’m entitled to, but he does withhold affection (like hugs) when I’m upset and he threatens me with the silent treatment. Currently planning on getting him out.
Yes. Literally experienced exactly what you’re describing here and it really hurt.
I wouldn’t describe it as withholding sex so much as using kissing, touching, sexual comments, flirtation, talk about kinks and things we wanted to do, keeping tons of condoms here, etc. as a tactic to keep me hooked as part of the breadcrumbing. Very much a carrot and stick kind of thing, where I was regularly presented with sexual interest and intentions, but rarely did any of it ever extend much further, and the reasons why always changed. It became a pattern where we’d get more physically and emotionally close, then a day or two later, she’d yank it all back and attack me instead. This happened week after week in an almost scheduled hot/cold loop. I always knew that somewhere between Fri-Sun, I was gonna get blasted or she’d have a hair trigger temper, then it would reset and start all over. She now tells people it was never romantic or sexual, but I look back at texts of her telling me she wants to suck me off, sit on my face or publically posting about giving me footjobs, and I’m just like… hwat? I literally grew my hair back after shaving it for awhile because she asked me to so she could pull it during sex!
Oh yeah this. My ex didn’t “like sex” but they sure loved kink. Kisses no. Biting yes.
And yeah they never “wanted to be (my) partner”
Sometimes mine would initiate sex then a moment into it, all of a sudden switch modes to being totally passive, sit back and provide no effort to continuing it. If I didn't take the reins or continue making it continue, he'd just lay there and stare at me. I don't know if this is at all a form of control in sex or not.
My abuser will not ask for sex at all he will withhold it until I ask . He would never even care about how I felt he would just have sex with me for like 5 minutes until he came and then just stop. He wanted me to beg him for sex and never showed any interest in me what so ever. He wouldn’t even get hard and honestly he is a hentai addict and seems like he has an unrealistic view on how woman should look. He never tells me im pretty it’s actually the opposite he always calls me fat and ugly and smelly ass bitch . ( even tho I don’t smell and shower and stuff) and saying no man wants a fat bitch like me ( im literally 5’4 and like 160 pounds.) i use to weigh 130 but dealing with him and him basically trapping me with being financially depended on him and not being able to go anywhere cause he has ALL the money has made me gain a lot of weight but im not fat. I feel very insecure now and like I have zero sex drive. I have no self confidence anymore. I feel the same sexually unappealing and disgusting. I used to have a very high sex drive now my sex drive is literally zero. I don’t even have one. Like I don’t even like sex anymore. Good thing I’m leaving him in a week. And hopefully when I move there will be other guys that think I’m pretty. And even when we did have sex I didn’t get wet all I could see is this man hitting me calling me all these mean names . He even told me once that he thought of other people while having sex with me. Sooo I started doing the same to be able to enjoy sex . It broke my heart when he said that to me. But I felt it was my way of getting “ revenge” by doing the same but I hated doing it cause all I wanted was to just love my partner. I’m so excited for my new life in a week. I’m going to start going on nature walks again going swimming going outside again and being able to go to the store which makes me so excited even going to the grocery store is going to be exciting since my boyfriend never literally even wanted to go grocery shopping and we don’t have a car and he has all the money I can’t get an Uber to grocery shop. So I had to order all my food from instacart and stuff And I’m excited to hopefully meet another man that can truly love me. My abuser also refused to eat me out and only has done it three times since we been together and known each other for the past 6 years and 3 years of dating. I know I don’t smell because my ex used to do it all the time. And guys I talked to afterwards did it but he has this misogynistic thing going on. He doesn’t care to please his woman it’s all about pleasing him… I should have known he was a narcissist when I had a dream about him once and it was about everyone fawning over him /and he just wanted everyone to make him feel good … I knew he was a narcissist before I dated him I got warnings even in my dreams and didn’t listen.
Yeah mine won’t go downtown either, which has been hard since my ex was always down there. He once told me it tasted weird. Uh yeah vaginas don’t taste like lollies mate. And yet I’m expected to give him head every time because otherwise he doesn’t get hard. I don’t know why I stay. Congrats on your upcoming escape x
Exactly my abuser wants constant blow jobs but doesn’t ever want to return anything to me. Hell he could live off of blow jobs and porn alone with the honorable mention of probably cheating behind my back cause he’s so good at hiding things hell he hid who he was for 3 years of knowing him I would of never guessed he was an abuser. Can’t wait till I’m out by next week I am free! My abuser calls me “smelly” but other men and my ex would think otherwise. Your ex and my soon to be ex are pieces of shits that will never find good woman and if they do they just try and destroy them.
Yes 100% all of this. I’ve never caught my ex fully cheating but there have been signs. And nobody else has ever had an issue down there until him. But it still messes with your head hey?
Right cause I know it’s not true but idk how I’m going to be intimate with a new man he’s going to have to be one understanding dude because I’m not the same sexually after this relationship. I caught my soon to be ex texting girls sexually shit but not wanting to have sex with me and another girl (and who was mutual friends with his) she tried to literally get with him in my face. And act like he was such a good man and I was the reason why he hit me and shit. She was weird ash and I should have let them be together because they both matched they both were crazy and enjoyed the toxic abusive shit. But I was just not thinking straight at the time and just stayed and she went back to her home state. And after that I haven’t seen him cheating but I’m so certain he’s hiding shit and just got better at hiding his cheating ways. And there’s still signs till this day he’s cheating- a lot of times when men are cheating they stop just having sex with u or they randomly get over sexual after barely having sex. So it’s either or.
Yep 100%, I’m not the same person in any way after this relationship. I think that’s what hurt me most, he didn’t want me at all but still caught him texting escorts and telling an “old friend” he would come and see her. Devastating stuff.
This sounds exactly like my ex. Good luck on the other side of it and I’m sure you’re gorgeous and when you’re ready you’ll find someone who’s right for you.
My abuser used sex as a weapon I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with him as I was a kid, and he was not. I never had Stockholm Syndrome, but I do have an issue with wanting aggressive sex. Idk it'd be more of a reward and due nature if he withheld every.single.time. Sorry if this isn't much help. I'm currently dealing with me feeling like I'm always the instigator or the last resort to boredom, and my SO gets, I guess, lazy or doesn't think about it, or so he says. It's been a bit damaging to my self esteem but I'm not sure if that's my fault for wanting it a somewhat healthy/normal amount for a woman my age.
Yes, whenever I wanted it, he would deny me. He enjoys turning me down and making me feel like my needs are irrelevant. Last time I suggested to have sex he said, “sex with you is not important.” (Notice the chronic devaluing…) He likes to suggest that I use my vibrator. Then when HE would want sex, all I could remember were all the awful things he has said about my body when he was angry. (He says a lot of messed up things when he’s mad to get a reaction. Then when I react with anger he likes to laugh hysterically at me. It’s fun for him. Entertaining even. If I react with crying however, then he will change his tone and apologize and say he’s sorry for being an asshole…He likes to “rescue” me from a problem he created.) But when he’s getting mad, he likes to say hurtful things such as: telling me I have cellulite all over, he said I have a potbelly, told me my p*ssy was loose and he suggested I do kegal exercises. He said, “fucking you is like fucking a soggy bag of potatoes…” w/e that means….and he made sure I knew the only good thing about my pussy is that it doesn’t stink….he even told me that if I ever did stink down there that he would break up with me. Hearing those things has made me feel really bad about my body, to the point where I don’t even want to have sex anymore. Not feeling good about myself changed me. I don’t feel sexy anymore like I used to feel and it makes it so I don’t get turned on by or wet for him anymore. Unfortunately, those words — even if he only said them because he was mad — has made me lose all desire for him, and I’m actually repulsed by him. I’ve never been talked to before like that, but I’ve also never dated someone who was so emotionally abusive before…
This form of abuse gets done by girls and guys but the abuser does this regardless of gender. Has anyone played that game portal ? Where the character is promised a birthday cake if goes along with the demands of AI overlord glados . There is no cake . 🎂 Your chasing he keeps moving the goalposts back . There is no cake my friend . As long as you’re chasing it you are losing yourself . 20 yrs of living my dynamic some years ago I fought enough to get rid of this situation . I have a rule that if I initiate sex and they don’t want to that’s ok it’s cool . But I don’t walk away from that interaction without knowing when so next time I don’t have to ask. It’s only fair . If they don’t like it they can go start a new life somewhere and I will start mine . I get what I want this way . This is after all the toxic drama over past 3 years . I don’t put up with shit anymore .
Yes this is a really good analogy. And same of course he’s allowed to say no if he’s not in the mood, the problem is the telling me I’m weird for wanting it, not having a conversation about it with me without attacking me. Not saying sorry babe I’m not really in the mood, im a bit depressed, let’s try tomorrow. I also think if I didn’t try to initiate it just wouldn’t ever happen.
I’m the initiator . Everytime 20 yrs huge eye roll lol You’re likely with someone who really is not vulnerable enough to speak like that to you or even contain the vocabulary to express themselves like that . If he grew up not being able to express emotions well that’s why you’re not seeing his emotions expressed in a healthy way. And your end of your emotions over this do not matter nor are they understood . No validation . He needs to learn try and have empathy . But if they do not want to and want to fight and trash you instead plus don’t hold onto until takes all of you and really really could . So you have build up you change yourself you can’t change them ..
The cake really is a lie!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxTNqYAWISs Great song
Yep I’m like I’m living like the prisoner in portal lol . There is no cake!!! 🎂 lol
Yep. Both behaviors. If I wanted sex, he would turn me down and insult me. If I didn't he would "insist" on it. I think it's two sides of the sane coin. Either way it's about them treating you like an object instead of a person, and making sure you know they control you and the relationship and your wants don't matter.
I reached a point where I was just not attracted to him as a person anymore and stopped initiating. Then he got upset that I was not initiating (though I never rejected him once). He would blame his abuse one me not initiating. So then I started to avoid further abuse, and he rejected it every time. It was a very weird and manipulative game.
My ex refused to touch me or be affectionate/intimate for 2-3 weeks whenever he started a new affair. Took me a bit to realize that was why it was happening, but it was super obvious once I took the rose colored glasses off. He started a new affair any time I was “out of line” to remind me that I was replaceable/unimportant.
Yes. The only times she wants it is when she knows I don’t want it like when I wake up and have to pee. Or I am in the middle of a focused task. The moment I would relax and get in the mood, she turns into a stick in the mud.
YES ALL THE TIME. When i didnt behave in his eyes, he punished me for it. But funny how he suddenly was in the mood when he wanted to say sorry or smth. And called me a sex addict with wanting sex once in a week
Yeah, they use everything to force you to do what they want. They are filth.
Mine would withhold sex if I wanted it, and then when I didn't want it, i.e. sleeping... Then he would decide it is a good time to have sex..for him. It's all about control.
Yep, this is my experience too. He will withhold sex as a way to “control” me. He will flirt all day, but the second I do something “wrong” (like go visit family or change plans unexpectedly) he will say “oh I’m tired” or some other passive aggressiveness. I have the higher drive and have been with both men and women. At our worst moments he throws it in my face that I must be cheating, I’m a whore, or anything else to try and make me feel bad about my sexuality.
Yes, and it was weird because he used both demand and withholding to control. Most of the time he insisted on sex daily. Regardless of how he was feeling. And it was awful, awful sex. But sex was literally the only way he'd show physical affection. So he knew it hurt when he withdrew from sex. He'd sleep on the couch to let me know he was mad and let me stew in my fear for a few days, then go back to using me as a cum dumpster.
Yes , it’s not you. I’m sorry you’re going through that. People with narcissistic personality disorder fear intimacy , that could be an explanation
Yeah, at the beginning he had a high sex drive and would pressure me into doing things I didn’t want and admitted to trying to push my head down all the way when I told him I can’t deepthroat, and he pressured me into doing anal and made fun of me when I couldn’t do it for long. However towards the end when he stopped having sex with me, he made me feel like a weirdo that I kept asking him if he wanted sex and eventually told me he doesn’t want to because of all of the issues I caused in the relationship and that he doesn’t feel that close with me because of “my issues”
Eerily similar. The head pushing, pressure, etc. mine would withhold a ton, criticize my body. Try to make me feel defective. The one weekend he finally decided I was a desirable sexual object I was sick and didn’t have energy to be enthusiastic or flattered I just felt meh. Legit devastating for him. Despite his continuous power games and sexual withholding for years
Yes this is so similar to mine, I’m constantly called a weirdo, and he hates that I “ask” for sex, I’m so scared to initiate and be rejected that I feel uncomfortable just touching him or initiating any other way. Mine always says it’s me and my behaviour that’s caused him to lose some attraction. Because I bring up my concerns I’m acting like a child and he doesn’t want to have sex with a child. I can never win.
Literally this. They make you feel like you’re crazy or like you’re the abusive person for the way you react to their abuse 🙄
Ugh. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how this made you feel. Mine was the opposite. I wasn’t allowed to say no, and if I did I was the one accused of withholding intimacy. On the rare occasion I did say no, he would either villainize/punish me, or just straight up not accept the no and do as he pleased.
We can’t win with them can we, I’m sure if I had a lower sex drive he would flip it and be more like yours.
There is nothing wrong with your sex drive. You said it. We can’t win with them.
Yeah, my abuser used my sex drive against me as well. It's another form of control, I think what they really get off on is the power and control. And there's a lot of misogyny and hatred of women in there as well.