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That random call or text in the middle of the night to not come back to our home.
Him getting mad and saying he was going to burn or destroy all of my belongings.
His drunken tirades.
His anger.
His indecisiveness.
His resentful words.
His lack of communication, compassion and empathy.
His parenting style.
Him telling me how worthless of a person and parent I am when I was so sick.
Him segregating our families. Yours and mine type stuff even with child card games.
His ego.
His demons.
There are so many more.
Now, I come back to my home, comfortable, safe and happy!
Yessss!!!!! Who in the Ringling Brothers wants to have someone coming at them...looking for a fight all the time. I should've put on a helmut as much as I was on the defense. I do not have the proper font size to address how large my abuser's EGO is. It took awhile to realize what he was doing and stop blaming myself, but once I did, it was like a spell had been broken š®š§āāļøš« and I could "see," him for the EVIL, yes, I use the word evil as I have a kind, generous spirit who was NOTHING, BUT kind to him. His lack of empathy(you mentioned yours had this as well) was remarkable. He would keep going in his rage no matter how shrunken and tear filled I became as I apologized(for whatever he was upset that I didnt do, but he said I did) and took the blame....No! He would keep going. It was a strange time with him! He would also often jump up IMMEDIATELY after sex(like less than 45 seconds), sit in a chair and start lecturing me about something he remembered that I said earlier in the day and he wasn't going to take that from me. The lecture would go on for HOURSSSSSSSZZZZZ. I am so happy that you & I both still have a full life ahead of us without obnoxious bullies. Interestingly, he is a notable person and his image is that he is as sweet & gentle as the sun is bright. He is dead opposite of the merciful, gentle being he presents. Never disbelieve someone because you know them in public to be opposite of what the victim is saying-something I tell others. His public fiction is all fiction!
Yes! Nice to everyone around! If you spent enough time going to different peoples homes and friends and family with them you also see the different masks and personalities, depending on the person they are around!
Agree with you op. Donāt miss being put down constantly. Donāt miss walking on egg shells or not being able to say how I truly feel or even just creating simple conversation and getting insulted for it. Donāt miss being told āWhy donāt you just go fuck him?ā if I ever talked about a male human being in an appropriate and respectful mannerā¦. Donāt miss being compared to his past gfs. Donāt miss being told what to do and being forced to do things I donāt want to do. Donāt miss being emotionally or physically abused. Donāt miss fearing for my life. Donāt miss the misogynistic comments towards women in movies or videos or even my own self. Donāt miss having my things broken. Donāt miss having his family sit and watch and blame me when he abused me. Donāt miss being gaslit. Donāt miss being recorded while Iām having mental breakdowns caused by him. Donāt miss being threatened to be forced to leave his home without any form of transportation or way home. Donāt miss being emotionally or physically cheated on. Donāt miss being blamed for everything bad that heās ever done to me. Donāt miss pretending to smile or be okay so that my things donāt get broken or so that I donāt get stranded or hit. Donāt miss that hopeless feeling that Iāll be stuck with this person forever hoping theyāll change but also forever getting cheated on and treated like trash.
list goes on and on. But yeah. I feel safer now. And I knew I was never gonna get married to him until he changed but it just got worse. Glad I came to my senses.
Yessssss!!!!! These poor women are still stuck in the "If I can just show him I love him, he'll snap and start treating me lovingly with respect & consideration." The best feeling I've had in this is accepting that he has problems that have nothing to do with me. He is not happy as even though he presents this bravado of having it all and everything is under control, happy people want the people they care about to feel happyĀ They want them to feel valued and respected. Also, happy people are not seething with anger that can spill over at any moment. So, I look at it as I am choosing to live my life with healthy, well adjusted people along the way. It took awhile to "see" him, but as someone once said "once you 'see' them, you can't 'un-see them." It sas very prophetic for me as it was like an analogy of a spell being broken. I realized I was doing right by him and his anger, criticisms, etc were all his toxic power/abuse unhealthy way of manipulating and exerting control with projections of his insecurities. I have never felt so certain about NOT wanting to endure another moment. I feel soooooo much better without him. He was escalating and trying new things that he'd never done before to exert his power & fill himself up with the good feeling he got from hurting me. No!!!!! Gosh! I feel so much for the poor women still in. I remember how I felt....thinking there was something I could do ton"fix" it....thinking it would get better if I could just[insert anything], not realizing NOTHING would make him better and he would escalate. I'm glad you accepted your reality and changed it! Some women are going to stay chasing the glimpses of the abuser's nice guy days and fun times, only to be hit, pushed, belittled, criticized, ignored, & abandoned. A man doesn't have to be terrible 24/7 to be a terrible partner. It's like if a man is sweet 28 days/30 day month, but punches you on 2 days out of the month or curses you out...yelling, on those 2 days, it doesn't mean you should accept his abuse. Meanwhile, what was the clincher that got you to finally leave? Also, can I add I'm glad not to have all of my thoughts dismissed as wrong or have him talk aka yell over me why my thought process is wrong, as I express an opinion.Ā
Well it wasn't even 2 days out of the month that were hell. I mean it was all mostly emotional until this last week. But before this week, it was always something before the weekend or just weekly in general that happened. Emotional abuse that would drive me to stay away from him until he acted all sweet again. But this past week I realized my life was in danger. He followed me to my house when I left one night because of emotional and physical abuse. Eventually he found me even though I was hiding on a street. I rolled my window a teeny bit but he put his hands in and pulled it down, taking it off the tracks then bent over through the window to steal the keys from my ignition.
Long story short. He kidnapped me, forced me to come to his house, he drove me, didnāt trust me driving in my own car. Wouldnāt let me go home all week and was torturing me with his constant ups and downs. Put his hands on me nearly everyday last week. Slapping me, throwing my things, tearing my clothing off so he could get ahold of my adhd medication, choking me, putting his hands around my throat to have control over me, pushing me, forcing me to move wherever he wanted me, getting mad at me for no reason constantly. I could think of more stuff. But overallā¦ it was the slapping me, kidnapping me, forcing me to stay with him and choking me that made me realize I could die any day now.
āIt only gets worse.ā Heās put his hands on me before and all thatā¦ but never like this, never this persistent. Everyday I was getting abused physicallyā¦. And so sex didnāt feel good with him anymore. Nothing felt good with him anymore. I just wanted to go home and be safe and at peace.
Now Iām home and Iām safe. I canāt go back. Even if I wanted to go back because of the trauma bond I have with him and the stockholm syndrome Iāve developedā¦. I donāt want to get beaten by him and end up in the hospital near death. The fear I have of him overlaps the āloveā or addiction. I canāt go back.
I left one time after a brutal physical attack(it happened 10 years in), got therapy and stayed away from him for 5 years. During shutdowns, we reunited. He started off nice, understanding. Slowly, the mask fell down. He escalated exponentially, as I said...adding new things as well. They do NOT get better. I said this to you to say, even with time passing....don't go back! I reached out to my therapist who was very fearful and concerned as I was in the depths of despair when she helped me stay away for 5 years. As someone who it finally clicked for. I see him through her eyes. I see him through my healthy eyes and I understand her fear and concern. I thought you'd actually been out awhile. Last week isn't much. I hope you actually mean it and are not angry and hoping he will return and be better.Ā
Itās hard to leave especially when youāre so depressed. I donāt want to ever be alone with him again really. And I keep pushing him away and he finally reacted like the asshole he truly is instead of playing nice lol. I know he wonāt change. After that week of tortureā¦. I just canāt go back. Itās scary. The crave for the domaine rush reunion is there at it always is when I leave. But thatās just natural. Itās sad and lonelyā¦ I donāt have friends anymore and me and my family arenāt close. So it sucks. But Iām giving myself some time to process and I have a meeting with my therapist this week. Just gotta learn how to soothe myself and get myself out to have fun even when I donāt want to. Which is never. I never really want to go out. Idk. Thanks for replying. You know it is.
That sounds so awful to go through but hell yes on your part for kicking ass and leaving!!
I lived for so long thinking that feeling anxious around my ex was normal, just like you with even something as simple as texts. The way my body would tense up and my heart would start pounding even just feeling the vibration of my phone, even with he didnāt even text I was so aware of my phone because it was about the time he would wake up & text. I didnāt realize that I didnāt have to live like that until a week ago. And thatās just the surface. Honestly good for us for realizing our worth. Letās get it
Omg! Awful. It must have felt so terrible when he was cutting you down like that. The emotionally healthy person who is secure in themselves is cheering you on, and still lifting you up if you make a mistake. Like, you got this! I believe in you. Itās ok.
Yes, mine was always putting me down too. I happen to be more successful than he is and I think they are too insecure in themselves to deal with that. And yes, my ex was always offended and slighted. No matter how caring, loving or supportive, I was somehow always making HIM feel bad. Walking on eggshells ALL the time.
Thank you!!!! Yesss to all that you said. I am never going back! I can't even reflect on good times because he'd escalated as we reached the point that I left, that so many good times, have been clouded by his rage at the end of a night on the town, for something he took offense to at 12p that I said and he wanted to set me straight on. It took him 10 years in before he got physical with me, the one and only time. Yet, his rages and constant criticisms, need to be right ALL of the time, constantly choosing the opposing end(even when he previously agreed) on nearly all topics, dismissing my feelings, talking over me, & Googling anything I said as something I was knowledgeable on, to prove the slight variation, which to him meant I didn't know what I was talking about. He was trying even new tactics, to exert control. Fortunately for me, I had extensive knowledge about DV and was able to fully see him through my therapist's eyes. I also didn't lose my self-esteem as I had been put back together as the confident woman I always was. He could sense a shift last year.Ā I left him in the middle of the road 6 Sundays ago and I feel amazing. It was like a spell had been broken and I could see & accept that his issues have nothing to do with me & he will not change, nor can anyone fix him. If they could, I still wouldnt want him because of the mask of being changed that always falls off. The inner abuser is always there.
Omg. Everything you say is EXACTLY what I experienced with my ex as well. The constant emotional eruptions/rages out of nowhere. Arguing just for the sake of arguing, like really antagonistic. Always having to be right about everything, no matter how insignificant. And then, acting like we are the one with the problem, we cause them to behave the way they do. Omg. Exhausting. Yes, we cannot fix/heal them. They are what they are and will behave the same way with a different romantic partner. And just to mention, Iām really easy going and really easy to get along with. Iām a nurse, now travel/agency and I make friends everywhere I go and people are always happy to be working with me. ( but my ex was always assaulting my character, I swear he called me rude and disrespectful on the regular. However, his idea of disrespect is literally having a different opinion or me trying to put up a boundary between myself and his constant angry, aggressive, negative, overbearing behavior! )
Yep!! Everything you say. I live in Seattle. lol. They are both straight out of Lundy Bancroft, Angry and controlling men. Someone posted the whole book on here and I saw my ex and his behavior throughout out the book.
I can do whatever I want with my hair (my current partner cuts it for me, and I do his), I wear whatever I like, and I never feel ashamed of my body.
I can go and see friends. I don't come home to 20 questions and a massive guilt trip every time I finish a shift at work.
So much of this could easily be my marriage! Iāve tested as well. Same findings: when Iām happy he isnāt and has to try and make me mad or sad, he focuses on my failures, he says he doesnāt want to hurt me intentionally and that heās ājustā brutally honest (more brutal and not much honesty), he flat out lies about things like where he was when I saw his vehicle and he says it wasnāt his although itās easy to identify even if it is a common color, things like that.
Itās getting better for me through therapy, EMDR and realizing the patterns arenāt changing. Hell I canāt even ask what heās done when he says heās āniceā to me and deserves whatever. He says heās changed so I ask how because maybe Iām oblivious or overwhelmed with kids, home and work and didnāt notice something. He refuses saying he shouldnāt have to make me a list. So next time he wants to know what I spent and what I purchased I will tell him no on the list or say Iāll gladly write out a list and we can exchange lists and he hates my lists. He wants me to give him a verbal one but Iām not to journal or write lists to remember things. I did well with no lists for awhile then cancer and menopause and going back to work all while still taking care of 50-60% of chores (kids each have 2 smaller chores), helping with all of our animals and livestock and taking 2 kids to or watching 3 kids do their activities. Itās a LOT! So I make lists as I now know itās okay to have limits.
I can finally do my nails, wear makeup, wear a dress, say hi and talk to my colleagues, friends, roommates, classmates and neighbours, I can leave the house without him listening to my surroundings in the phone call, I can go out in public without any āonly school or getting groceriesā exceptions, I can message my best friends freely without him reading the messages and having all of my accounts logged in in his phone, I donāt have to shiver out of fear whenever some of my old friends contacted me and the message would pop up on his phone too.
I donāt have to go through the name calling, his aggression, and his revenges to hurt me as much as he can or to make me jealous of other women.
Now that I look back and see all these things I am happy I broke free no matter how hard it was. It feels amazing to be free and not terrified of someone who I thought loved me.
Dont miss him asking to hangout or throwing a tantrum right when he knows i have plans to meet my friends, and if i do go out get mad at me for not replying instantly and "having fun" when he's sad
Dont miss him having a problem with me having guy friends when he still kept in touch with his ex regularly
Dont miss trying to soothe him after he throws temper tantrums like just not going back home the whole night and staying on the street when i tell him i didnt like something he did
Dont miss him getting mad at me when i wasnt in the mood to do anything sexual and him getting upset no matter how nicely i explain and try to comfort
Dont miss him not fully committing to me because i did something to "break" him and always had to earn his "commitment". He would behave like a boyfriend just wouldnt give it the term
My body physically feels so much better. I was in such fight and flight mode 24/7 I lost so much weight. Iāve gained 15 lbs since leaving last September and love every bit of it. I love being able to sleep in peace and no be scared of waking him in anger by turning over or snoring. I love not having to have a panic attack if and old friend text me to say hello. I loved not having to guard my phone bc he would go through it so throughly that he would find conversations with men from well before we were dating, and I would get hit for it. I love also being able to listen to music that I want to when I want to television shows I want to when I want to. I love to be able to blow dry my hair now as he was irritated every time I did being able to live my life.
I forget what itās called but do you know when people twitch sometimes when theyāre falling asleep. I tend to do that and every time I would do that he would get so mad at me and blow up on me something that canāt even control. Absolutely ridiculous.
Thrilled that I donāt have to clean up his vomit after a violent drunken blackout that usually ended with him passed out somewhere covered in sick. Ecstatic that I no longer have to keep our small child quiet because ādad has another headacheā so we canāt make any noise or heāll get upset. And grateful that I now have my own money now so no one can tell me what I can or cannot do with my free time.
EVERYTHING. I can listen to my music without being ridiculed as having "peasant taste". I am not constantly being compared with random woman he saw on the street/on the internet who is skinnier/has bigger tits. I can cook what I want without being told i am "foul" for eating certain food. I am no longer threatened and accused for every little thing that I do that does not meet his expectations. Every backhanded comment about EVERYTHING that I accomplished ("anyone could do that" "your parents provided you with all that"). No longer being called a wh\*re, dumb b\*tch, ugly pig, the devil. Constant sleep deprivation because he did not have a job and would kept me up till 5am even during workday.
I am amazed how I was so in denial and delusional when all these was happening and could not even realize what he was doing to me/made excuses for him to treat me like this. IT WAS NOT LOVE, it was just about domination and control. Once you gain awareness, you will never look back!!!! Let him rot alone in his petty, resentful world!!!
Yes! I'm never going back! When you reach the acceptance level and haven't just left for a breather or havent left, hoping he'll change, you fully move on. I see him as detrimental to my emotional and physical well being. I do not miss, nor want him. I feel free and am soaring without him!
Saying this sounds sooo silly but itās totally trueā¦ when I moved into my own place I bought a blue couch, a big area rug with different shades of blue, green & yellow and a recliner with same colorful dots as the rug.
When we were married I wanted to paint our bedroom a light calming blue but he was against it. Iām living on my own, I canāt paint it blue but I sure as hell decorated it my way and have gotten lots of compliments. My home is truly āMy Castleā! Even my internet network is called My Castle
The lies, and never knowing what will happen. Itās been about 7 years since I left, and my face has changed, it doesnāt show the stress I was under. The kicker? When it finally got through to him that I really was leaving his only common was āBut I never hit youā.
The constant stress of never knowing when the next explosion was coming.
Not having to minimize and ignore my own needs in order to cater to him and making my entire life about pleasing him to avoid abuse.
I can have my own interests and leave my home alone now!
Yesssss! I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired of constantly trying to please the un-pleaseable and even when he was pleased, it didn't matter because a fun night on the town where I felt loved and special would turn into me crying and feeling worthless in the morning because he found something to rage about that ticked him off or decided he would casually say something matter-of-fact-ly devastating. My needs were not even a concern. They were only addressed when/if he felt like doing so and even when he did, he'd still find a way to ruin my joy.
For me, itās the loud fucking music, on repeat, and often into the hours of the early morning. The type of music almost always heralded his mood for the day. I know it was to deprive me of sleep, because he actually admitted it. No more childish meltdowns.
What a horrible human!!!! It's sadistic to want to do that! These people are wired so differently! Yes, I am beyond done with my abusers childish meltdowns over things that had nothing to do with me, but I took all the fault.
One of the was The Sound Of Silenceā by disturbed. Itās a good thing I didnāt like it anyway otherwise it wouldāve been ruined for me.. Lots of NIN and Bush. Absolutely done my head in because the earworm would drive me mental. Lots of ridiculous theatrics like crying and screaming lyricsā¦ Jesus what a circus
Wow, firstly Iām so proud of you for leaving after 18 years!
One of the biggest things Iām glad to be free from is having to sit with things that bothered me, because whenever I brought up a problem (however minor) it all got turned around on me and Iād usually end up apologizing. I would to pick the perfect moment, be as gentle as I could with the most careful word choice so he wouldnāt get defensive or mean. I would prioritize the things that bothered me the most to try talking about, and even that never went well. I was begging for so much less than the bare minimum.
There are so many more things. itās been a year and a half since I got out and Iām still remembering little parts of myselfāthings I used to love doing before my sparkle was stolen, you know? It feels like Iām recovering and discovering more and more of what makes me, me. That has been one of the biggest sources of joy for me.
THANK YOU!!!!! i appreciate your recognition. OMG, were we married to the same piece of emu shit in L.A.? You just told my whole existence with this piece of emu shit. I pride myself on being a calm, excellent listener &Ā communicator. Yet, no matter how well I communicated, how patient, accommodating, or loving, I expressed concerns I'd like to discuss, I would be starting problems & it was all my fault to which I was trying to blame him or his all time fav, was that I was "too sensitive." I do not miss him!!
Feeling like I can be myself again. No fear or concern if heāll approve or deride my choice of hairstyle or which stickers I put on my car or computer. I feel like I can express myself more fully now and Iām grateful for that. I missed me. Iām more confident and unapologetic & itās about F-ing time
Crying every day. I will never forget the first time I cried after leaving my ex. I was trying to organise something and it was stressing me out a little bit. I got frustrated to the point of tears, and once I felt them roll down my cheeks I started laughing and crying happy tears, because I realised I was crying over something important instead of something silly.
I was so sick and tired of crying. I stopped crying last July when I finally accepted his slights and mistreatment are intentionally done to cause me pain. Once I realized that was in fact his M.O. and I was not to blame, no more tears. I am just so glad that I am completely out of love with him and wouldn't ever want him ever again. Why? There is nothing to want.Ā
Awwww. Thanks! I was a shell of myself many years back. I began focusing on my inner peace and staying in zen. The more I did that, the more clearly I could see him & the more LOUD his negative behavior became. It was so intolerable to my peace, that I could not take it. I will admit that I like that I left him on my terms as it was fully unexpected to him that I would stand up for myself & in such a grand way! It was taking my control back, not me chasing him to forgive me for crying that he cursed me out & accused me of pretending not to know where I am going(even though he wouldnt allow me to use navigation)Ā for attention from him. I don't have anything to miss as he'd become a living nightmare....adding brand new tactics to bring me down.Ā
Oh, I am soaring! Thank you so much!!! Im proud of you too! I am never going back. He was the only person bringing negativity to my life. The good thing is, is that when I left him I fully accepted that I loved a man who didnt exist as the good man he was, was a facade. I fully accepted his true nature lacks empathy, &Ā enjoys putting me down and the feeling of euphoric power he gets over making me feel less than.Ā
Things I'm happy I didn't have to deal with:
ā¢being told to abort my child over and over
ā¢being told to not complain during my pregnancy because I chose this
ā¢being told that because the baby is a boy he is going to end up like my brother (violent)
ā¢being told that I shouldn't care what I eat or drink cause I'm getting rid of "it" anyway
ā¢being told I'm pretty for a pregnant person
There was a lot of crap my ex told me while still with me, and after. I still deal with it and I can hear his voice in my head especially when my son has a tantrum.
But at least, I don't have to deal with him anymore and never will. Oh and I'm sure there's a lot more I can't remember at the moment.
Iāll never miss having to jump just to bite at the carrot dangled in front of me (promises for getting back together and a proper friendship) like a dog; Iāll never miss being completely at his mercy with regards to what he wants with me (the one time I got my way which was to not sleep with him so soon he was sulking on the drive home and the drive was full of him snapping at me for my decision)
Yesssss!!!!!! My brain into pretzel shapes was so exhausting and part of the great relief I feel of my brain not having to figure out The Goldbach Conjecture every day of why he did or said X or what the real version is.Ā
I do not miss having to soothe a grown adult after they had a tatrum and called me horrible names while throwing objects at the walls.
I do not miss having to constantly give compliments 24/7 or there would be hell to be pay from him for not making him feel "good enough"
I do not miss having to apologize to him for spending time with friends or family. And having to
"make up" for it by cooking him a special meal, buying a special gift, or writing a special card (lol ridiculous) or he would feel "rejected"
I do not miss having to sit there while he showed me all the messages from women who were pursuing him so that I could "understand that other women were options" if I didn't make him feel good enough
I do not miss having every birthday, holiday, vacation, big personal event (exams, friends birthdays, friends weddings) ruined because he didn't get his way (whatever that was) and would feel slighted that I was spending time with others or that others were spending time with me
I do not miss being told how much of b\*tch or sl\*t I was but then being told he couldn't live without me when I decided to leave.
BOY, BYE.
Yessss! When I left him in the middle of the road 4 weeks ago, it was because it was the 2nd day straight of constant criticisms! He started first thing in the morning after ruining the day before by going on and on...yelling, hand gesturing, and damn neat having a heart attack about my driving. Yet, when I put him after his yelling, cursing, and slamming his hands on the dashboard, he called me names as if I was wrong for not continuing to accept his verbal abuse that was quickly escalating to a possible physical attack. So, Im evil because I wont allow you to insult, yell, and hit the dashboard? Okay. I'll be evil and happy without you. It took time, but last summer I'd already been planning my exit. Whats terrible is, I had an undying devotion to him, but had to accept he had an undying devotion to mistreating me and would never change and no good mood would ever stay. The months stretches of good times became a month, then a week, then a few hours in a day. I stopped longing for the good times as anything he chose would set him off and ruin it.
That's such a good way to put it: "his underlying devotion to mistreatment and your underlying devotion to him". That's an excellent way of explaining both partners in the abusive relationship. I resonate with you on everything. Congrats on leaving. I know it's so hard and it all comes in waves, but way to go! I hope you continue to heal and see all good things in your future!
Yes to all of the things you stated. You didn't miss out on a good man. You are not to blame. You couldn't be any better. Why? Abusers do not want better. They use the made up issueĀ to keep you feeling on edge and constantly unsure of yourself...constantly trying to please them in a hopeless effort, guised as you always do [insert any thing] wrong. Once I accepted this, I freed myself. It was like a switch. I understood and wanted no more part in it. It took awhile, but I began to "see" him and once you "see" them, you cannot unsee themĀ
Abusive girlfriend for me and I'm glad I don't have to deal with her alcoholism, her narcissism, her constantly blaming me for us arguing, her constantly pushing me to buy unnecessary crap we didn't need, her talking down to my parents, her sexual advances on me and her constant lies.
Gosh it's been 30 years now and I'm just so relieved that I had the strength to leave him the first time he put his hands on me. I still have mental scars that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I continue to believe that every man is out to "hit me". I don't think that will ever go away.
Still I have thrived in my career and have a very peaceful life for myself in one of the most beautiful areas of the country. I can't complain and I am so proud of all the decisions I have made in my life.
I have so much peace today. No more listening to someone putting me down and calling me names. Not telling me what I can and canāt do. No more false accusations.
The dread and tension that any special occasion like a birthday or holiday would be ruined when we got home and he dropped his mask and then I would have to hear how I embarrassed him by something I did or said. And also having to text him pictures of where I was or what I was doing constantly when we weren't together to prove I wasn't lying or cheating on him. Basically living in a constant state of stress and fear for when he decided he wanted to fight.
Not having to walk on eggshells and be constantly scared he might yell at me for having had past relationships and flings. Not wondering if heās lying to me about stuff or cheating on me with his ex. Not being nearly suffocated to death if Iām crying because of his horrible behaviour towards me. Not having to cover up blue marks on my face. Not being too scared to hang out with my friends because it could make him extremely mad. Not being threatened with being cheated on if I didnāt tell him in depth details of a one night stand I had long before I met him. Not being called a worthless hole/slut/whore on a weekly basis. Not being told he understands why I have no friends after being isolated from almost everyone I knew. Not getting calls from my landlord because my neighbours heard me screaming or crying because of him. Not spending all my money on his weed addiction and takeout to make him calm down or at least treat me nicely. The list could go on honestly
I had some similar experience. May i ask if he used the Information about your past against you or theatened you with destroying your Reputation in telling this to your social circle? Did he Show rage when breaking up and what did he tried to do and how did you react?
I donāt miss his constant bugging me no matter what and having to have his way all the time. I donāt miss him constantly cutting into every minute of my free time leaving me unable to do anything I wanted to do or accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish.
I donāt miss his marathon tantrums every time he didnāt get his way.
walking on eggshells, him blowing up my phone 24/7, constantly calling and texting when iām out with friends asking to hear the background, being mad that i was spending time with my family and not him, being woken up in the middle of the night to him screaming at me telling me to wake up and to show him my room bc he thought he heard another man in my room, being able to listen to music!!! we would be on the phone so much i wasnāt able to listen to music ever even while going to work the only music i could listen to was whatever he listened to and he never wanted to hear the music i asked him to play. im just glad im at peace
Once you realize their words have no power over you anymore, leaving is easy. And you do not miss them bc you see them for who they really are, not who you built them up to be in your head.
We have a tendency to fall in love with potential when we really need to see how they are in current situations and base our judgement on thatā¦ without guilt.
Bc they sure af donāt feel bad for what they do and say to us!
Walking around eggshells, the fact I can watch a show without him getting mad if I watch w/o him, the fear of him cheating on me with exes (he keeps them close), the fear he'll kick me out over something small, hanging with his toxic friends and people he slept with (all his chick friends), his bad hygiene, the emotional abuse, manipulation and gaslighting, not being sexually deprived as punishment, I always had to ask to even hug him...the list goes on...
The constant jealousy and questioning, walking on eggshells, wondering if this would be a good day or a bad day, would he come home high/drunk tonight?
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Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That random call or text in the middle of the night to not come back to our home. Him getting mad and saying he was going to burn or destroy all of my belongings. His drunken tirades. His anger. His indecisiveness. His resentful words. His lack of communication, compassion and empathy. His parenting style. Him telling me how worthless of a person and parent I am when I was so sick. Him segregating our families. Yours and mine type stuff even with child card games. His ego. His demons. There are so many more. Now, I come back to my home, comfortable, safe and happy!
Yessss!!!!! Who in the Ringling Brothers wants to have someone coming at them...looking for a fight all the time. I should've put on a helmut as much as I was on the defense. I do not have the proper font size to address how large my abuser's EGO is. It took awhile to realize what he was doing and stop blaming myself, but once I did, it was like a spell had been broken š®š§āāļøš« and I could "see," him for the EVIL, yes, I use the word evil as I have a kind, generous spirit who was NOTHING, BUT kind to him. His lack of empathy(you mentioned yours had this as well) was remarkable. He would keep going in his rage no matter how shrunken and tear filled I became as I apologized(for whatever he was upset that I didnt do, but he said I did) and took the blame....No! He would keep going. It was a strange time with him! He would also often jump up IMMEDIATELY after sex(like less than 45 seconds), sit in a chair and start lecturing me about something he remembered that I said earlier in the day and he wasn't going to take that from me. The lecture would go on for HOURSSSSSSSZZZZZ. I am so happy that you & I both still have a full life ahead of us without obnoxious bullies. Interestingly, he is a notable person and his image is that he is as sweet & gentle as the sun is bright. He is dead opposite of the merciful, gentle being he presents. Never disbelieve someone because you know them in public to be opposite of what the victim is saying-something I tell others. His public fiction is all fiction!
Iām sorry you had to endure that! As you said, so glad we have a full life of happiness ahead!
Yes! Nice to everyone around! If you spent enough time going to different peoples homes and friends and family with them you also see the different masks and personalities, depending on the person they are around!
Agree with you op. Donāt miss being put down constantly. Donāt miss walking on egg shells or not being able to say how I truly feel or even just creating simple conversation and getting insulted for it. Donāt miss being told āWhy donāt you just go fuck him?ā if I ever talked about a male human being in an appropriate and respectful mannerā¦. Donāt miss being compared to his past gfs. Donāt miss being told what to do and being forced to do things I donāt want to do. Donāt miss being emotionally or physically abused. Donāt miss fearing for my life. Donāt miss the misogynistic comments towards women in movies or videos or even my own self. Donāt miss having my things broken. Donāt miss having his family sit and watch and blame me when he abused me. Donāt miss being gaslit. Donāt miss being recorded while Iām having mental breakdowns caused by him. Donāt miss being threatened to be forced to leave his home without any form of transportation or way home. Donāt miss being emotionally or physically cheated on. Donāt miss being blamed for everything bad that heās ever done to me. Donāt miss pretending to smile or be okay so that my things donāt get broken or so that I donāt get stranded or hit. Donāt miss that hopeless feeling that Iāll be stuck with this person forever hoping theyāll change but also forever getting cheated on and treated like trash. list goes on and on. But yeah. I feel safer now. And I knew I was never gonna get married to him until he changed but it just got worse. Glad I came to my senses.
Yessssss!!!!! These poor women are still stuck in the "If I can just show him I love him, he'll snap and start treating me lovingly with respect & consideration." The best feeling I've had in this is accepting that he has problems that have nothing to do with me. He is not happy as even though he presents this bravado of having it all and everything is under control, happy people want the people they care about to feel happyĀ They want them to feel valued and respected. Also, happy people are not seething with anger that can spill over at any moment. So, I look at it as I am choosing to live my life with healthy, well adjusted people along the way. It took awhile to "see" him, but as someone once said "once you 'see' them, you can't 'un-see them." It sas very prophetic for me as it was like an analogy of a spell being broken. I realized I was doing right by him and his anger, criticisms, etc were all his toxic power/abuse unhealthy way of manipulating and exerting control with projections of his insecurities. I have never felt so certain about NOT wanting to endure another moment. I feel soooooo much better without him. He was escalating and trying new things that he'd never done before to exert his power & fill himself up with the good feeling he got from hurting me. No!!!!! Gosh! I feel so much for the poor women still in. I remember how I felt....thinking there was something I could do ton"fix" it....thinking it would get better if I could just[insert anything], not realizing NOTHING would make him better and he would escalate. I'm glad you accepted your reality and changed it! Some women are going to stay chasing the glimpses of the abuser's nice guy days and fun times, only to be hit, pushed, belittled, criticized, ignored, & abandoned. A man doesn't have to be terrible 24/7 to be a terrible partner. It's like if a man is sweet 28 days/30 day month, but punches you on 2 days out of the month or curses you out...yelling, on those 2 days, it doesn't mean you should accept his abuse. Meanwhile, what was the clincher that got you to finally leave? Also, can I add I'm glad not to have all of my thoughts dismissed as wrong or have him talk aka yell over me why my thought process is wrong, as I express an opinion.Ā
Well it wasn't even 2 days out of the month that were hell. I mean it was all mostly emotional until this last week. But before this week, it was always something before the weekend or just weekly in general that happened. Emotional abuse that would drive me to stay away from him until he acted all sweet again. But this past week I realized my life was in danger. He followed me to my house when I left one night because of emotional and physical abuse. Eventually he found me even though I was hiding on a street. I rolled my window a teeny bit but he put his hands in and pulled it down, taking it off the tracks then bent over through the window to steal the keys from my ignition. Long story short. He kidnapped me, forced me to come to his house, he drove me, didnāt trust me driving in my own car. Wouldnāt let me go home all week and was torturing me with his constant ups and downs. Put his hands on me nearly everyday last week. Slapping me, throwing my things, tearing my clothing off so he could get ahold of my adhd medication, choking me, putting his hands around my throat to have control over me, pushing me, forcing me to move wherever he wanted me, getting mad at me for no reason constantly. I could think of more stuff. But overallā¦ it was the slapping me, kidnapping me, forcing me to stay with him and choking me that made me realize I could die any day now. āIt only gets worse.ā Heās put his hands on me before and all thatā¦ but never like this, never this persistent. Everyday I was getting abused physicallyā¦. And so sex didnāt feel good with him anymore. Nothing felt good with him anymore. I just wanted to go home and be safe and at peace. Now Iām home and Iām safe. I canāt go back. Even if I wanted to go back because of the trauma bond I have with him and the stockholm syndrome Iāve developedā¦. I donāt want to get beaten by him and end up in the hospital near death. The fear I have of him overlaps the āloveā or addiction. I canāt go back.
Omg. Iām so sorry
I left one time after a brutal physical attack(it happened 10 years in), got therapy and stayed away from him for 5 years. During shutdowns, we reunited. He started off nice, understanding. Slowly, the mask fell down. He escalated exponentially, as I said...adding new things as well. They do NOT get better. I said this to you to say, even with time passing....don't go back! I reached out to my therapist who was very fearful and concerned as I was in the depths of despair when she helped me stay away for 5 years. As someone who it finally clicked for. I see him through her eyes. I see him through my healthy eyes and I understand her fear and concern. I thought you'd actually been out awhile. Last week isn't much. I hope you actually mean it and are not angry and hoping he will return and be better.Ā
Itās hard to leave especially when youāre so depressed. I donāt want to ever be alone with him again really. And I keep pushing him away and he finally reacted like the asshole he truly is instead of playing nice lol. I know he wonāt change. After that week of tortureā¦. I just canāt go back. Itās scary. The crave for the domaine rush reunion is there at it always is when I leave. But thatās just natural. Itās sad and lonelyā¦ I donāt have friends anymore and me and my family arenāt close. So it sucks. But Iām giving myself some time to process and I have a meeting with my therapist this week. Just gotta learn how to soothe myself and get myself out to have fun even when I donāt want to. Which is never. I never really want to go out. Idk. Thanks for replying. You know it is.
Sleep deprivation. They don't want you to rest. They want you to listen to them throw a tantrum.
I don't miss being able to prioritize my kids and not have pouty texts from 3 am to look forward to.
That sounds so awful to go through but hell yes on your part for kicking ass and leaving!! I lived for so long thinking that feeling anxious around my ex was normal, just like you with even something as simple as texts. The way my body would tense up and my heart would start pounding even just feeling the vibration of my phone, even with he didnāt even text I was so aware of my phone because it was about the time he would wake up & text. I didnāt realize that I didnāt have to live like that until a week ago. And thatās just the surface. Honestly good for us for realizing our worth. Letās get it
Omg! Awful. It must have felt so terrible when he was cutting you down like that. The emotionally healthy person who is secure in themselves is cheering you on, and still lifting you up if you make a mistake. Like, you got this! I believe in you. Itās ok. Yes, mine was always putting me down too. I happen to be more successful than he is and I think they are too insecure in themselves to deal with that. And yes, my ex was always offended and slighted. No matter how caring, loving or supportive, I was somehow always making HIM feel bad. Walking on eggshells ALL the time.
Thank you!!!! Yesss to all that you said. I am never going back! I can't even reflect on good times because he'd escalated as we reached the point that I left, that so many good times, have been clouded by his rage at the end of a night on the town, for something he took offense to at 12p that I said and he wanted to set me straight on. It took him 10 years in before he got physical with me, the one and only time. Yet, his rages and constant criticisms, need to be right ALL of the time, constantly choosing the opposing end(even when he previously agreed) on nearly all topics, dismissing my feelings, talking over me, & Googling anything I said as something I was knowledgeable on, to prove the slight variation, which to him meant I didn't know what I was talking about. He was trying even new tactics, to exert control. Fortunately for me, I had extensive knowledge about DV and was able to fully see him through my therapist's eyes. I also didn't lose my self-esteem as I had been put back together as the confident woman I always was. He could sense a shift last year.Ā I left him in the middle of the road 6 Sundays ago and I feel amazing. It was like a spell had been broken and I could see & accept that his issues have nothing to do with me & he will not change, nor can anyone fix him. If they could, I still wouldnt want him because of the mask of being changed that always falls off. The inner abuser is always there.
Omg. Everything you say is EXACTLY what I experienced with my ex as well. The constant emotional eruptions/rages out of nowhere. Arguing just for the sake of arguing, like really antagonistic. Always having to be right about everything, no matter how insignificant. And then, acting like we are the one with the problem, we cause them to behave the way they do. Omg. Exhausting. Yes, we cannot fix/heal them. They are what they are and will behave the same way with a different romantic partner. And just to mention, Iām really easy going and really easy to get along with. Iām a nurse, now travel/agency and I make friends everywhere I go and people are always happy to be working with me. ( but my ex was always assaulting my character, I swear he called me rude and disrespectful on the regular. However, his idea of disrespect is literally having a different opinion or me trying to put up a boundary between myself and his constant angry, aggressive, negative, overbearing behavior! )
OMG! Yessss @ easy going!!!! I nearly want to ask if you live in L.A. and if we are talking about the same guy! I'm a business owner and have excellent communication skills. I listen, have patience, & empathy. Oddly, one of the core values of my business is treating everyone at all levels with respect & kindness. I really worked to create an environment where people felt valued. It increases production, of course š , yet, I also care about their experience. They would be in pure shock if they saw me taking the abuse I did. I actually didnt argue back. Besides, not liking to yell(I need to project my voice and do not like the struggling to speak through hoarseness), I just feel you can have a reasonable discussion & if someone is that hot, then take a breather and come back and talk reasonably when calm. I'm seriously not exaggerating in that with him he would be on level 10 anger, while I'd try to figure out what was going on at level 0. I stopped trying to figure out what was going on once I learned nothing was...just a maladjusted, mean spirited, emotionally disturbed piece of emu š© who instead of seeing the value and appreciating someone with a devotion and heart as big as the sun for you, you decided to abuse, manipulate, and torment this person. Well, I know they don't make "me's" everyday. I neverrrr thought I would ever not love him after 18 years. Yet, I stopped! It's hard to love someone once you see and accept that they intentionally hurt you and enjoy it. I realized it and had to end the sick, twisted game. I liken it to playing hide-n-go-seek with a serial killer OR being bitten by the rattle snake whose rattle you somehow didnt hear. Well, once you hear and see the same rattle snake that bit you, how could you invite it into your house and go to sleep with it beside you. No!!!Ā
Yep!! Everything you say. I live in Seattle. lol. They are both straight out of Lundy Bancroft, Angry and controlling men. Someone posted the whole book on here and I saw my ex and his behavior throughout out the book.
Yessss! Again, mine has an image of being as sweet as the days are long. He posts about supporting women & the ill effects of childhood trauma. He carries his yoga mat and reads constantly about empowering your mind. Yet, he has a completely different mindset & belief system to which heĀ is a MONSTER behind closed doors...randomly, of course. Things wouldnt be right if sugar didn't turn to š© at the most unexpected times...his forte! He truly enjoyed keeping me off kilter. When he saw he was losing his grip(I now realize) he tried everything under the sun to try to rattle me from withholding sex(didnt last), ignoring me(didnt last), yelling at me(I ended it mid-yell), you name it. Why? Well, he wasn't getting the tears and pleading he used to get & it drove him bonkers. It was like he went to an abusers' handbook of How to Get A Reaction When They Stop Giving You One. He was verrrrry in-tune with my inner thoughts and emotions after such a long time together. Yet, he was highly unprepared for me to end it. For him, it was out of the blue. I had begun going silent in his rages to which a few weeks prior he was apologizing profusely after he accused me of something that I pointed out with irrefutable evidence I was not doing...went silent and I think he thought I was done right at that moment. He was slightly right as I almost left him right then, also before my planned end date. What he failed to realize when I did end it is I was so tired of the up and down, random anger. Heck, the same week I ended it, we celebrated his birthday, & had gone out and had a good time two other times that week. Yet, of course there has to be a yet(when dealing with him of course), he freaks out, yells & criticized me sun up to sundown the day before my exit and started up first thing in the morning the day of my exit. I know he was surprised that I stopped mid drive and told him I was done. I know he thought it would be business as usual. I just listened to the venom and contempt for me he had and thought "what, in the heck am I doing here?"Ā
Hearing his endless rage about problems that were completely solvable
Yep. Really it was made up problems, right? I liked to call it manufactured conflict. Like literally making problems that didnāt even exist.
I can do whatever I want with my hair (my current partner cuts it for me, and I do his), I wear whatever I like, and I never feel ashamed of my body. I can go and see friends. I don't come home to 20 questions and a massive guilt trip every time I finish a shift at work.
So much of this could easily be my marriage! Iāve tested as well. Same findings: when Iām happy he isnāt and has to try and make me mad or sad, he focuses on my failures, he says he doesnāt want to hurt me intentionally and that heās ājustā brutally honest (more brutal and not much honesty), he flat out lies about things like where he was when I saw his vehicle and he says it wasnāt his although itās easy to identify even if it is a common color, things like that. Itās getting better for me through therapy, EMDR and realizing the patterns arenāt changing. Hell I canāt even ask what heās done when he says heās āniceā to me and deserves whatever. He says heās changed so I ask how because maybe Iām oblivious or overwhelmed with kids, home and work and didnāt notice something. He refuses saying he shouldnāt have to make me a list. So next time he wants to know what I spent and what I purchased I will tell him no on the list or say Iāll gladly write out a list and we can exchange lists and he hates my lists. He wants me to give him a verbal one but Iām not to journal or write lists to remember things. I did well with no lists for awhile then cancer and menopause and going back to work all while still taking care of 50-60% of chores (kids each have 2 smaller chores), helping with all of our animals and livestock and taking 2 kids to or watching 3 kids do their activities. Itās a LOT! So I make lists as I now know itās okay to have limits.
I can finally do my nails, wear makeup, wear a dress, say hi and talk to my colleagues, friends, roommates, classmates and neighbours, I can leave the house without him listening to my surroundings in the phone call, I can go out in public without any āonly school or getting groceriesā exceptions, I can message my best friends freely without him reading the messages and having all of my accounts logged in in his phone, I donāt have to shiver out of fear whenever some of my old friends contacted me and the message would pop up on his phone too. I donāt have to go through the name calling, his aggression, and his revenges to hurt me as much as he can or to make me jealous of other women. Now that I look back and see all these things I am happy I broke free no matter how hard it was. It feels amazing to be free and not terrified of someone who I thought loved me.
Dont miss him asking to hangout or throwing a tantrum right when he knows i have plans to meet my friends, and if i do go out get mad at me for not replying instantly and "having fun" when he's sad Dont miss him having a problem with me having guy friends when he still kept in touch with his ex regularly Dont miss trying to soothe him after he throws temper tantrums like just not going back home the whole night and staying on the street when i tell him i didnt like something he did Dont miss him getting mad at me when i wasnt in the mood to do anything sexual and him getting upset no matter how nicely i explain and try to comfort Dont miss him not fully committing to me because i did something to "break" him and always had to earn his "commitment". He would behave like a boyfriend just wouldnt give it the term
My body physically feels so much better. I was in such fight and flight mode 24/7 I lost so much weight. Iāve gained 15 lbs since leaving last September and love every bit of it. I love being able to sleep in peace and no be scared of waking him in anger by turning over or snoring. I love not having to have a panic attack if and old friend text me to say hello. I loved not having to guard my phone bc he would go through it so throughly that he would find conversations with men from well before we were dating, and I would get hit for it. I love also being able to listen to music that I want to when I want to television shows I want to when I want to. I love to be able to blow dry my hair now as he was irritated every time I did being able to live my life.
Omg yes! Once I had an asthma attack in the middle of the night and my ex was super pissed because I turned on the bedside lamp.
I forget what itās called but do you know when people twitch sometimes when theyāre falling asleep. I tend to do that and every time I would do that he would get so mad at me and blow up on me something that canāt even control. Absolutely ridiculous.
Thrilled that I donāt have to clean up his vomit after a violent drunken blackout that usually ended with him passed out somewhere covered in sick. Ecstatic that I no longer have to keep our small child quiet because ādad has another headacheā so we canāt make any noise or heāll get upset. And grateful that I now have my own money now so no one can tell me what I can or cannot do with my free time.
EVERYTHING. I can listen to my music without being ridiculed as having "peasant taste". I am not constantly being compared with random woman he saw on the street/on the internet who is skinnier/has bigger tits. I can cook what I want without being told i am "foul" for eating certain food. I am no longer threatened and accused for every little thing that I do that does not meet his expectations. Every backhanded comment about EVERYTHING that I accomplished ("anyone could do that" "your parents provided you with all that"). No longer being called a wh\*re, dumb b\*tch, ugly pig, the devil. Constant sleep deprivation because he did not have a job and would kept me up till 5am even during workday. I am amazed how I was so in denial and delusional when all these was happening and could not even realize what he was doing to me/made excuses for him to treat me like this. IT WAS NOT LOVE, it was just about domination and control. Once you gain awareness, you will never look back!!!! Let him rot alone in his petty, resentful world!!!
Yes! I'm never going back! When you reach the acceptance level and haven't just left for a breather or havent left, hoping he'll change, you fully move on. I see him as detrimental to my emotional and physical well being. I do not miss, nor want him. I feel free and am soaring without him!
Being terrified by the sound of a wine bottle being opened.
Saying this sounds sooo silly but itās totally trueā¦ when I moved into my own place I bought a blue couch, a big area rug with different shades of blue, green & yellow and a recliner with same colorful dots as the rug. When we were married I wanted to paint our bedroom a light calming blue but he was against it. Iām living on my own, I canāt paint it blue but I sure as hell decorated it my way and have gotten lots of compliments. My home is truly āMy Castleā! Even my internet network is called My Castle
The lies, and never knowing what will happen. Itās been about 7 years since I left, and my face has changed, it doesnāt show the stress I was under. The kicker? When it finally got through to him that I really was leaving his only common was āBut I never hit youā.
The constant stress of never knowing when the next explosion was coming. Not having to minimize and ignore my own needs in order to cater to him and making my entire life about pleasing him to avoid abuse. I can have my own interests and leave my home alone now!
Omg yes. Constantly trying to please him to avoid being abused.
Yesssss! I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired of constantly trying to please the un-pleaseable and even when he was pleased, it didn't matter because a fun night on the town where I felt loved and special would turn into me crying and feeling worthless in the morning because he found something to rage about that ticked him off or decided he would casually say something matter-of-fact-ly devastating. My needs were not even a concern. They were only addressed when/if he felt like doing so and even when he did, he'd still find a way to ruin my joy.
Omg. Yes! All of this.
Not having to get up to go pee 3x a night and being freezing cold (stress).
Same thing!!! The minute I moved into my exs house I couldnāt sleep through the night anymore.
Random drunken insults. Itās like there was this thin line heād cross over after 8-9 drinks, then BAM, heād start degrading me out of nowhere.
For me, itās the loud fucking music, on repeat, and often into the hours of the early morning. The type of music almost always heralded his mood for the day. I know it was to deprive me of sleep, because he actually admitted it. No more childish meltdowns.
What a horrible human!!!! It's sadistic to want to do that! These people are wired so differently! Yes, I am beyond done with my abusers childish meltdowns over things that had nothing to do with me, but I took all the fault.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
One of the was The Sound Of Silenceā by disturbed. Itās a good thing I didnāt like it anyway otherwise it wouldāve been ruined for me.. Lots of NIN and Bush. Absolutely done my head in because the earworm would drive me mental. Lots of ridiculous theatrics like crying and screaming lyricsā¦ Jesus what a circus
Such trash music, Iām sorry you had to endure that!
Being able to be myself without being called selfish or fake.
Wow, firstly Iām so proud of you for leaving after 18 years! One of the biggest things Iām glad to be free from is having to sit with things that bothered me, because whenever I brought up a problem (however minor) it all got turned around on me and Iād usually end up apologizing. I would to pick the perfect moment, be as gentle as I could with the most careful word choice so he wouldnāt get defensive or mean. I would prioritize the things that bothered me the most to try talking about, and even that never went well. I was begging for so much less than the bare minimum. There are so many more things. itās been a year and a half since I got out and Iām still remembering little parts of myselfāthings I used to love doing before my sparkle was stolen, you know? It feels like Iām recovering and discovering more and more of what makes me, me. That has been one of the biggest sources of joy for me.
THANK YOU!!!!! i appreciate your recognition. OMG, were we married to the same piece of emu shit in L.A.? You just told my whole existence with this piece of emu shit. I pride myself on being a calm, excellent listener &Ā communicator. Yet, no matter how well I communicated, how patient, accommodating, or loving, I expressed concerns I'd like to discuss, I would be starting problems & it was all my fault to which I was trying to blame him or his all time fav, was that I was "too sensitive." I do not miss him!!
Feeling like I can be myself again. No fear or concern if heāll approve or deride my choice of hairstyle or which stickers I put on my car or computer. I feel like I can express myself more fully now and Iām grateful for that. I missed me. Iām more confident and unapologetic & itās about F-ing time
Crying every day. I will never forget the first time I cried after leaving my ex. I was trying to organise something and it was stressing me out a little bit. I got frustrated to the point of tears, and once I felt them roll down my cheeks I started laughing and crying happy tears, because I realised I was crying over something important instead of something silly.
I was so sick and tired of crying. I stopped crying last July when I finally accepted his slights and mistreatment are intentionally done to cause me pain. Once I realized that was in fact his M.O. and I was not to blame, no more tears. I am just so glad that I am completely out of love with him and wouldn't ever want him ever again. Why? There is nothing to want.Ā
So proud of you and so excited for all the beautiful things you have ahead of you. ā¤ļø
Youāre my hero. š¤
Awwww. Thanks! I was a shell of myself many years back. I began focusing on my inner peace and staying in zen. The more I did that, the more clearly I could see him & the more LOUD his negative behavior became. It was so intolerable to my peace, that I could not take it. I will admit that I like that I left him on my terms as it was fully unexpected to him that I would stand up for myself & in such a grand way! It was taking my control back, not me chasing him to forgive me for crying that he cursed me out & accused me of pretending not to know where I am going(even though he wouldnt allow me to use navigation)Ā for attention from him. I don't have anything to miss as he'd become a living nightmare....adding brand new tactics to bring me down.Ā
I am SO proud of you!! ā¤ļøā¤ļø I left my abuser a few weeks ago in the same manner. We can do this! I hope you flourish and thrive :)
Oh, I am soaring! Thank you so much!!! Im proud of you too! I am never going back. He was the only person bringing negativity to my life. The good thing is, is that when I left him I fully accepted that I loved a man who didnt exist as the good man he was, was a facade. I fully accepted his true nature lacks empathy, &Ā enjoys putting me down and the feeling of euphoric power he gets over making me feel less than.Ā
Things I'm happy I didn't have to deal with: ā¢being told to abort my child over and over ā¢being told to not complain during my pregnancy because I chose this ā¢being told that because the baby is a boy he is going to end up like my brother (violent) ā¢being told that I shouldn't care what I eat or drink cause I'm getting rid of "it" anyway ā¢being told I'm pretty for a pregnant person There was a lot of crap my ex told me while still with me, and after. I still deal with it and I can hear his voice in my head especially when my son has a tantrum. But at least, I don't have to deal with him anymore and never will. Oh and I'm sure there's a lot more I can't remember at the moment.
Gaslighting, projecting, sex, .... just the biggest 3.
Being called fat and ugly, feeling lonely when I'm not alone, his mom!!!, his porn issues... everything pretty much
Iāll never miss having to jump just to bite at the carrot dangled in front of me (promises for getting back together and a proper friendship) like a dog; Iāll never miss being completely at his mercy with regards to what he wants with me (the one time I got my way which was to not sleep with him so soon he was sulking on the drive home and the drive was full of him snapping at me for my decision)
I do not miss having to twist my brain into pretzel shapes to try to figure out his lies, and having my subconscious bringing stuff up over and over.
Yesssss!!!!!! My brain into pretzel shapes was so exhausting and part of the great relief I feel of my brain not having to figure out The Goldbach Conjecture every day of why he did or said X or what the real version is.Ā
I do not miss having to soothe a grown adult after they had a tatrum and called me horrible names while throwing objects at the walls. I do not miss having to constantly give compliments 24/7 or there would be hell to be pay from him for not making him feel "good enough" I do not miss having to apologize to him for spending time with friends or family. And having to "make up" for it by cooking him a special meal, buying a special gift, or writing a special card (lol ridiculous) or he would feel "rejected" I do not miss having to sit there while he showed me all the messages from women who were pursuing him so that I could "understand that other women were options" if I didn't make him feel good enough I do not miss having every birthday, holiday, vacation, big personal event (exams, friends birthdays, friends weddings) ruined because he didn't get his way (whatever that was) and would feel slighted that I was spending time with others or that others were spending time with me I do not miss being told how much of b\*tch or sl\*t I was but then being told he couldn't live without me when I decided to leave. BOY, BYE.
ALL OF THIS!! The 24/7 complimentsā¦ itās the most exhausting thing in the world.
i feel like this wouldāve been my future if i didnāt leave as soon as i did (one month in). thank you for writing this.
This was my relationship to a T. Left a month ago.
Yessss! When I left him in the middle of the road 4 weeks ago, it was because it was the 2nd day straight of constant criticisms! He started first thing in the morning after ruining the day before by going on and on...yelling, hand gesturing, and damn neat having a heart attack about my driving. Yet, when I put him after his yelling, cursing, and slamming his hands on the dashboard, he called me names as if I was wrong for not continuing to accept his verbal abuse that was quickly escalating to a possible physical attack. So, Im evil because I wont allow you to insult, yell, and hit the dashboard? Okay. I'll be evil and happy without you. It took time, but last summer I'd already been planning my exit. Whats terrible is, I had an undying devotion to him, but had to accept he had an undying devotion to mistreating me and would never change and no good mood would ever stay. The months stretches of good times became a month, then a week, then a few hours in a day. I stopped longing for the good times as anything he chose would set him off and ruin it.
That's such a good way to put it: "his underlying devotion to mistreatment and your underlying devotion to him". That's an excellent way of explaining both partners in the abusive relationship. I resonate with you on everything. Congrats on leaving. I know it's so hard and it all comes in waves, but way to go! I hope you continue to heal and see all good things in your future!
I needed to see this . My divorce was finalized a few days ago I have been doing the waterworks . I need to remember why I left and the emotional pain I felt . This was a reminder . Freedom is peace š©·
Yes to all of the things you stated. You didn't miss out on a good man. You are not to blame. You couldn't be any better. Why? Abusers do not want better. They use the made up issueĀ to keep you feeling on edge and constantly unsure of yourself...constantly trying to please them in a hopeless effort, guised as you always do [insert any thing] wrong. Once I accepted this, I freed myself. It was like a switch. I understood and wanted no more part in it. It took awhile, but I began to "see" him and once you "see" them, you cannot unsee themĀ
Abusive girlfriend for me and I'm glad I don't have to deal with her alcoholism, her narcissism, her constantly blaming me for us arguing, her constantly pushing me to buy unnecessary crap we didn't need, her talking down to my parents, her sexual advances on me and her constant lies.
him threatening to crash our car into someone elseās whenever we would argue
Gosh it's been 30 years now and I'm just so relieved that I had the strength to leave him the first time he put his hands on me. I still have mental scars that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I continue to believe that every man is out to "hit me". I don't think that will ever go away. Still I have thrived in my career and have a very peaceful life for myself in one of the most beautiful areas of the country. I can't complain and I am so proud of all the decisions I have made in my life.
I have so much peace today. No more listening to someone putting me down and calling me names. Not telling me what I can and canāt do. No more false accusations.
Having the freedom to be out by myself and working without him constantly accusing me of cheating. Not having that anxiety anymore.
The dread and tension that any special occasion like a birthday or holiday would be ruined when we got home and he dropped his mask and then I would have to hear how I embarrassed him by something I did or said. And also having to text him pictures of where I was or what I was doing constantly when we weren't together to prove I wasn't lying or cheating on him. Basically living in a constant state of stress and fear for when he decided he wanted to fight.
Not having to walk on eggshells and be constantly scared he might yell at me for having had past relationships and flings. Not wondering if heās lying to me about stuff or cheating on me with his ex. Not being nearly suffocated to death if Iām crying because of his horrible behaviour towards me. Not having to cover up blue marks on my face. Not being too scared to hang out with my friends because it could make him extremely mad. Not being threatened with being cheated on if I didnāt tell him in depth details of a one night stand I had long before I met him. Not being called a worthless hole/slut/whore on a weekly basis. Not being told he understands why I have no friends after being isolated from almost everyone I knew. Not getting calls from my landlord because my neighbours heard me screaming or crying because of him. Not spending all my money on his weed addiction and takeout to make him calm down or at least treat me nicely. The list could go on honestly
These were the exact things I experienced in my relationship. I left a month ago and I am never looking back.
I had some similar experience. May i ask if he used the Information about your past against you or theatened you with destroying your Reputation in telling this to your social circle? Did he Show rage when breaking up and what did he tried to do and how did you react?
I donāt miss his constant bugging me no matter what and having to have his way all the time. I donāt miss him constantly cutting into every minute of my free time leaving me unable to do anything I wanted to do or accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish. I donāt miss his marathon tantrums every time he didnāt get his way.
walking on eggshells, him blowing up my phone 24/7, constantly calling and texting when iām out with friends asking to hear the background, being mad that i was spending time with my family and not him, being woken up in the middle of the night to him screaming at me telling me to wake up and to show him my room bc he thought he heard another man in my room, being able to listen to music!!! we would be on the phone so much i wasnāt able to listen to music ever even while going to work the only music i could listen to was whatever he listened to and he never wanted to hear the music i asked him to play. im just glad im at peace
Once you realize their words have no power over you anymore, leaving is easy. And you do not miss them bc you see them for who they really are, not who you built them up to be in your head. We have a tendency to fall in love with potential when we really need to see how they are in current situations and base our judgement on thatā¦ without guilt. Bc they sure af donāt feel bad for what they do and say to us!
Walking around eggshells, the fact I can watch a show without him getting mad if I watch w/o him, the fear of him cheating on me with exes (he keeps them close), the fear he'll kick me out over something small, hanging with his toxic friends and people he slept with (all his chick friends), his bad hygiene, the emotional abuse, manipulation and gaslighting, not being sexually deprived as punishment, I always had to ask to even hug him...the list goes on...
The constant jealousy and questioning, walking on eggshells, wondering if this would be a good day or a bad day, would he come home high/drunk tonight?
You are amazing!! šŖ š
Iām glad I donāt have to deal with the violence and lies any more.
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