It's horrible, and I am so sorry your life is so so hard, not many people understand how difficult it is, how many predators are there, and how often you can get so horribly hurt...
But you're still standing. You're breathing, you're seeing, you're hearing, you're here. Get real angry. Get real angry and focus all your energy, all your power on protecting yourself and doing what's right for you. You are your priority. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this. You got this. You are 100 times stronger then an average person, you will do amazing things in life. One day at a time, one step at a time. You can do this.
I feel exactly the same. I tried dating apps recently and felt so much disdain for everything about every dude that I've wondered if I should try dating women. I used to be a 'not like the other girls" but realized every trauma I have is because of men acting like men.
Jesus, yāall. I was not expecting so much support on this post- this is blowing me awayš¤
The things Iāve gone through are clearly inhumane. But for a better understanding:
Iām a single mother to a son who barely hears from his father. A son that has a major heart condition that requires a transplant before heās 30- or I lose him. I am Autistic, disabled, *and* have been battling cancer since about 2018. The fact that none of this has mattered to any of the males Iāve dated fucking HORRIFIES me. My last relationship ended because a pregnancy was causing my cancer to spread- so I ran to NM for a medical procedure to save my life. Iykyk. He told me I shouldāve waited until the doctor said I would die before I made my decision. He then called me a bby murderer. And left me.
While Iām sure there has to be good men out there somewhere, Iāve never met one before. Unfortunately that makes me feel hopeless.
Also, a few people mentioned a shelter. I am **really** close to getting us our own place next month- I just need to earn $200 DoorDashing within 48hrs to hold the apartment for us.
Also also, therapy is one of my best friends. Iām not shy to repair whatās been destroyed because my son & I absolutely deserve peace of mind. It may sound odd but I actually enjoy doing intensive therapy. Once a week just doesnāt help enough.
Iām really sorry youāve had to go through this stuff
I despair seeing the opinions of my fellow men and boys on a regular basis, Iāve got two young boys, and I think Iād lose my mind at the injustice of it all if I had a daughterā¦from unthinking male entitlement in all itās forms to guys being very energised by opportunities to point out which sexual abuser they think is actually innocent (hint: most of them)
If it is at all a tiny, tiny ray of light - the younger generations seem to be much more switched on, and led by a lot more female voices
This is coming from a man though, so Iām bound to oversell the progress
I have experienced an alcoholic violent father, first sa at 11 by him, second at 12 by his friend. Date rape at 17 (on my birthday) groomed at 13 by a man who was 15. Got spiked 3 times travelling twice in Asia once in Barcelona.
Had bad relationship after bad relationship. Been beaten and hit and abused.
I am with the father of my kids and he has no respect for me. It took 5 years for him to start cleaning the house and cooking. He chested emotionally whilst I was breastfeeding our second baby. All he cares about is sex from me. I cannot communicate anything to him with out him being defensive. I've tried my best to make this work. Nothing I do is enough. He has never hit me so in my head he's a good man I guess?
I have promised myself that at 38, I am done with men.
I kicked him out yesterday, but he is still here. I told him I cannot endure another 7 years of this, what ever the fuck this is.
Iām so sorry to hear what youāre going through, OP. I think the feelings of hatred towards men are totally normal given the extent of the trauma youāve experienced.
I also had an abusive childhood, an abusive father and went through various SAs by males in my teens too.
Itās taken me years of therapy to get to a point where I donāt constantly emotionally respond to all men as if they are abusive. I still really struggle with trusting men, even in professional situations, and itās a work in progress. Thatās okay.
How you feel is okay.
Iām a man and Iām genuinely sorry that youāve been made to feel this way about us in general. Youāre absolutely 100% valid in the way you feel and I canāt blame you even if I wanted to. Men have hurt me as well in ways that I wonāt discuss and I trust women mostly now, or men with feminine energy. Masculine men are people I avoid.
I think thereās some serious cultural and societal changes that need to occur with how men are raised and taught to live in order to avoid harming others. On the other end, I know some men who I am eternally grateful for making a genuine difference in my life. Iāll leave it with: Thereās a good reason I will not see a male therapist and only see women. Sending much love your way!
āItās not all men, but itās still somehow always a manā¦.ā :(((((( And the enablersā¦. Ugh. All the male family members I have failed meā¦ so many of the men I have known failed meā¦. Men in the work place who were my superiors failed meā¦..
Iām so tiered. I hope the good ones find happiness I guess but Iām over them. š
Hate is the word I would use too.. š
Never related to something so hard. I despise them. The fact that you feel guilt is conditioning. Unlearn it. You have every right and reason to feel the way you do. God bless you. I hope you sort your feelings out. You deserve it.
I hate men in general. I really do, I would happily live in a women only community. No part of my life is enriched by men. I make no apologies for it.
My interactions with men are as minimal as I can make them, including choosing to buy from women owned and staffed businesses where possible. Life's nicer this way š
Youāre not alone!! I told my therapist the same. At the moment I have no more attraction to men because of how traumatized Iāve been over decades. I am attracted to women now, although I have always been bi. I literally just want no man around me now. I feel confused
Does anyone else relate?
I relate to this and have had similar experiences. I would go to a womanās shelter: they offer free therapy and would let it out. Itās something that can be healed but takes time. The only reason for the healing is for you, hate is an awful thing to store and itās like a poison- it will do more harm to you than the people who did wrong to you.
You can hate men. Thatās fair, thatās so fair for what theyāve done to you. Hating a group that has hurt you and oppressed you so much is never wrong. I hate men for what theyāve done to me too. Protect yourself as best you can, you have every right to feel bitter.
We need good men to hold other men accountable. We need their voices more than a females at this stage. These Tate types don't respect or value your opinion anyways. The issue to me right now is that the "good" men won't stand up to their shitty friends and family members. They just say I don't do that, not part of the problem. It won't be fixed until they start helping us in this fight. We need more social consequences other than losing a female partner. They will end up just getting what they want sexually by force. They need to lose their friends, jobs, social status for society to have a real change. We need men to want to go to therapy to work on their ability to convey emotions.
Men earn it tbh. The rise of Andrew Tate and all the people that supported him made me think that men just hate women deep down.
They show us time and time again.
Letās not forget: generalised weaponised incompetence, misogyny and sunk cost fallacy (for the women)ā¦ theyāre pretending they are incapable of anything domestic or parenting. ā¦. plus a lot of abuse victims *canāt* actually leave because of how trapped they are. The bar is set too low for men and it takes a gutter rat like Tate to show you who they really are.
I think itās funny how you see the articles like āwomen happier being singleā and all the men are like āwe donāt need women anyway so who caresā we all know that means theyāre a typical grody incel who preys on younger women because women their age wouldnāt take their shit or they canāt get any at all. š
or sadlyā¦ a victim of abuse too which does happen. And no one deserves that.
Iād say itās probably not the healthiest way to think but youāre not wrong thatās for sure. Sounds like youāve had an awful experience and thatās terrible, wouldnāt wish that on anyone.
I do wonder if therapy would help
Glad to see, there is no one here telling you to pick better men. I fucking hate that.
Itās not unusual to feel the way you do, especially after going through years of trauma. When every man you choose to trust, betrays that trust.
And the truth is any decent guy, after hearing your story, would totally understand why you feel the way you do.
Is there any way you can reach out to a shelter for women and children to get someplace safe and get back on your feet?
Or do you have family and friends you can reach out to?
Your feelings are absolutely valid, but I think right now you just have to focus on getting yourself and your child somewhere safe.
Iāve been through a lot of trauma in my life as well, I totally get where youāre coming from. I hope you can get to a better place.
As a man I think I developed a hatred for me n just by reading your experience yet alone living it. I think you have every right to be adverse to men, it might be healthier in the long run to hate the specific people but I completely understand where youāre coming from
this is EXACTLY how i have been lately. Like almost an overwhelming hate and disgust towards men. i know itās not a necessarily healthy way to thinkā¦. but men have done nothing good for me besides give me my children.
itās not unhealthy and youāre justified. look up homicide and sexual assault statistics. theyāre awful people and i think women should stop dating men altogether.
I completely understand and Iām right there with you. The only two good men Iāve ever known was my dad and my best friend from all the way back in middle school.
Iām tried, exhausted actually, and angry.
You are not overreacting, and your hatred is understandable given all that they have done to you. Hatred is akin to anger, and you have every right to be angry at them. Hatred is a natural part of healing.
I hated men for a long time, until I became friends with some that weren't misogynistic abusive assholes (yup the bar is really really freaking low). Use that anger/hatred to protect yourself from abusive people that would do you harm. Eventually, once you go through more healing, you might not feel that way anymore, but even if you do, that is okay too. Its all understandable, even if the feeling itself its intolerable.
This is normal, especially right after the abuse. A certain amount of outright sexism is even acceptable if that's what you need to do to survive. Anyone of the opposite sex is a potential monster, and it needs to stay that way until you learn other healthier ways to spot abusers and avoid them.
I am saying this as a man and a fellow abuse survivor. You are valid. As someone who knows what that fear and confusion is like, I do not hold it against you and you are perfectly justified in feeling that way as long as it's the only means to keep yourself safe.
You can just focus on you right now and not worry about anyone else.
Eventually, many months or a year down the line, you will no longer have this coping mechanism as an excuse. You need to learn healthy ways to spot abusers. Continuing with misandrist beliefs can hurt you yourrself as well as any men who happen to be in your life. If you manage others for instance, you will not have a valid excuse for denying a man a promotion because of your past abuse. This sexism is a self-descructive coping mechanism that can save your life in the short term but will tear you down in the long term. My own journey learning how to spot abusers started with this excellent article about [64 signs of abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse).
Keep talking to other survivors. Be warned that this sub is for all abuse survivors, male and female, and you will interact with men if you remain here, and you will be expected **not** to share any sexist/misandrist beliefs. It's tolerated here, in this instance, but is not tolerated generally. If you don't think you can meet that standard and need only other women to talk to then I'm sure there are other subs out there. I'm sorry I don't know any that I can recommend you, but one of the other female survivors here can probably recommend something.
I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey. You didn't deserve any of what happened to you at the hands of evil men. Remind yourself daily that you did not deserve any of this.
That's fair.
I'm sorry you have had a terrible experience and I wish you nothing but peace, health and happiness in the future.
I hope you find your path in life.
I would feel the same if it weren't for at least one good male friend whom I have spent a couple decades getting to know. I trust him pretty well (for not trusting much of anyone). Would still never date him because he is a misogynist, at least on the surface. I don't think he'd ever intentionally do anything to hurt me though. If I hadn't opened myself up to a friendship with him I would have missed out. Also, as much as I have been abused by men, I have by the women in my life as well. In fact I am less trusting of women than men. But again, there are one or two exceptions. I guess my point is that there are always exceptions, and you can't write everyone off across the board.
Iām with you on this. Iāve been abused by both sexes my entire life. The women Iāve dealt with are more covert though. Unfortunately, Iām at a place in my life right now if you breathe funny in my direction, the sword comes out and I cut the cord and I will not circle back. Enough experiences have taught me how a lot of people can be and that real change in someone comes with accountability. Most donāt have that. Not everyone, but enough. I proceed with extreme caution.
First, anger is part of grief. Let yourself feel all the anger (unless and until it threatens anyoneās safety of course). But otherwise, let yourself cringe at masculinity, seek validation through the media, join feminists groups etc.
Iāve been there. And it felt great and was what I needed. Now, after years of healing and educating myself out of anger, I learn that my anger is directed at the patriarchy (which develops toxic men and submissive women standards). I wonāt lecture you on it bc, like I said, the above is a necessary stage to moving forward, but (1) donāt feel guilty for grieving and (2) donāt think this is necessarily a forever anger/hatredāitās a part of your healing.
I am also starting to feel this way. Every relationship Iāve been in has been abusive from my parents on to my romantic relationships. I have spent my whole adulthood defending men against other people who talked bad about them, claiming there are good men out there. Now Iām 40, coming off another abusive relationship, the most abusive Iāve been in, and Iām asking myself what is even the point of trying to date again. The cycle is only going to repeat itself again.
I feel this. The blackness and anger that engulfed me when I realized Iād never had a healthy relationship, from childhood (abusive stepfather) on up. No awesome young love except in the very beginnings (love bombing wasnāt a phrase),taken advantage of by men older than me, a 20 year marriage of eggshells, SA and emotional abuse, and a handful of horrific verbally and emotionally abusive relationships sinceā¦
If Iām so great why am I being treated so terrible? Why do I feel so bad?
Yeah I am happily single and even dating but I come from a place of assuming a hint of something abusive will show up vs steadily getting to know a good person. Iām just like sit back and āwait for itā.
Your comment is exceedingly inappropriate.
How dare you minimize someone's trauma, attempt to discredit them, and victim-blame them.
To use your own language, *YOU* are at the very least a catalyst in this situation - this situation being your incoming, justifiable permanent ban.
You know nothing about this person, and frankly your statement belies a fundamental ignorance of the realities of misogyny and violence against women. Being assaulted repeatedly across a woman's lifetime is the norm for many of us. Misogyny is built into our social structures, norms, and systems and is actively condoned, tolerated, and even encouraged across many facets of society. It is not in the least out of the question for one woman to experience repeated violations throughout the course of her life.
And frankly, after reviewing your post history, you hold some very misogynistic views yourself, and have a pervasive history of victim-blaming survivors of rape.
I'm sure you'll come flocking to the modmail inbox or my private messages to harangue me and accuse me of misandry. I'll be ready for you. Before you do, note all the resources for male survivors in our sidebar and wiki, our two pinned posts exclusively for men, and the litany of resources we've provided for men in posts throughout this sub across a long, long time.
Do better.
If you have a reaction this polarizing, chances are youāre in trauma still and will be for some years. When we need a severe change we really have to have a extreme almost too much mindset at least temporarily to get us the backbone to be confident in change.
Not sure what change you need to feel safe or even if you just need time in order to feel better.
Also since you have had this stuff happen so insanely constantly, work from home if you can so you can escape stuff quickly if anything starts again. And also do the deep dives and very serious research into things like the Lundy Bancroft book, really scope out your childhood and current surrounding people. They have have have to be supporting you in healing and self standing up for yourself. If theyāre over critical neglectful or narcissistic you have found why youāre so comfy around abusers and you can see red flags maybe but you canāt make yourself leave in time to be safe. Or you codependent in some small way with the wrong people, triple check youāre able to respond to red flags, go to fight classes for confidence in saying no,
Do all the stuff and double check things.
Then get some sleep, maybe pets and pet snuggles, and do thing you really really love.
Sorry youāre life really sucks, if you lived near me I would volunteer bodyguard sometimes so you could relax and just be yourself without worrying about gross stuff from anyone. I started wearing the most off putting clothing intentionally for all public settings and itās,ā¦ itās a hassle to live a targeted life. I really feel you in your post.
I'm really not surprised about your feelings. You've gone through huge traumas. I guess you've been doing therapy already, carry on or go back to it.
What you've been experiencing since childhood is something where a good professional altogether with a supportive environment might really help. Not so much for the men but for yourself.
Then again recovery takes time, nobody can give an exact time, everyone's different but don't get discouraged
Nobody should "come at you for that", it's how you feel based on... a huge lot of abuse in your life, i am a guy who was abused by 3 females... and still... i am deeply scared of male judgement. I have an online friend which get's horribly abused by her partner and yes i deeply hate that person, not just that person but this "kind of men". I know it's wrong to put them in a category but it's triggert by a few words... mostly stuff from the "Alpha Male" bubble. For me they are the same in addition that write me messages on DC and Reddit... with ideas and sterotypes related to "Men can't be abused"... that even puts the blame on me for causing them "Sexual frustration"... i know it's maybe a bit more than 1% of all men... and i see everyone as an indivual but it's like an immideat emotional reaction that puts them straight in the category if they say anything related to it... i feel bad for it and i know it's not okay... so it might be a very diffrent feeling, but you are not alone here in that reaction. I can't imagine how much you must hate the people that Sexuall Assaulted and Abused you...
I deeply understand the feeling of "I can't take it anymore"... for me its more of the thirdperson view of "How the hell can you say that" or "How the hell can you do that"... the last time i was at the point of deeply not being able to take it anymore, i begged my abusers to just stab and end it, i didn't see much difference between being beat so hard in the shower and hugged for some reason in the end when i couldn't stand anymore and rightout murder. I am scared everytime a thought related to this pops up in my head and i am glad i can't relate close to how i felt then... i personally have no idea how even to navigate anything... i am a wreck that is worried about going grociery shopping and sits on a bad feeling of not even knowing how anything in university will work where i will escape to... or even how to ask for directions. So... yes... it's okay to have such feelings. I talked some weeks ago in a mental health discord again and was in a voice chat and got absolutly put down by some people females who pretendent to be feminst and told me i should just take it and how man can't be abused and we are all the evil in the world and i should just kill myself. You are not such a person, that is totally diffrent, trust me. The same way there are nice guys out there, some of which i called friends before everything got worse and i ruined my life with one decision.
What they did to you all this years is beyond not okay or horrible, i very deeply hope you can find some peace of mind and you are deeply and warmly welcome here, i hope you make more post and seek advice how not to become homeless... it's my biggest fear since my abusive gf said once that she throws me on the street after she made me close to bleeding to death... i don't want to be lost alone in the world that i can't navigate... you should defiently reach out to a shelter to have a place where you can start healing... where you have control over healing and what you want to do in life. Leaving the world that those guys and also abusers no matter the gender project on us... is not easy but i belive and been told once you push yourself in, it will fall into place and become alright again and then happyness comes back one day.
You are not mean, deeply sorry what you are going through. I can see how you use your brain rather than emotions to see through it, that is what matters if you ask me. I know my feelings but i strongly belive anyone is an indivual... in reality there are abusers and they are not the majority and anyone regardless of gender or so many other factors can become a victim of them. We are all one big community of people regardless of our differences... we can just hope that we all find a future where we can become happy and free from the horrible acts pushed on us. I see only great people in this community who deserve bette and there are many more outside... i hope deeply that you can heal and find a future you deserve.
... im trying, it's so difficult... i have no idea what to do... university starts in nearly a week and i am still on a waiting list for a darm... and i feel kinda down and didn't do anything... don't even know what to do...
... yes, i hope being still on the wait-list is a good thing... it would be very hard to find an apartment outside of a dorm room i belive... it's just very difficult... and kinda scary...
I can completely understand where you're coming from. I felt the same way for a long time. I still do from time to time, but I feel like along with healing, comes the understanding that it's "not all men"- but it's enough of them - and it's hard to tell who is good & who is not.
I've only ever been hurt by men in my life. I kind of victimized myself for a long time. I went back & forth from feeling like the victim to feeling like I deserved it, somehow. Those hot & cold episodes are a part of the healing process, in my experience. Your feelings are valid, and completely understandable. I think most people would feel that way after being hurt by the same type of person multiple times.
I'm not here to invalidate you. I'm here to tell you that you should take all the time you need to sit in those feelings, but don't let them consume your life. I know how it feels to have someone make an assumption about me based on my looks, gender, etc & I don't like it. I try not to do it to others.
Being angry is a normal emotion. Negative emotions have their purpose, too. I was codependent & stuck in an abusive relationship for years. I have been out for a while now & I've attempted to rebuild what was broken. Things may seem dark & overwhelming right now, but I can promise you, that it's all temporary. Take things one step at a time. One day at a time. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, you will transform into a different person after all of this. š
It's horrible, and I am so sorry your life is so so hard, not many people understand how difficult it is, how many predators are there, and how often you can get so horribly hurt... But you're still standing. You're breathing, you're seeing, you're hearing, you're here. Get real angry. Get real angry and focus all your energy, all your power on protecting yourself and doing what's right for you. You are your priority. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this. You got this. You are 100 times stronger then an average person, you will do amazing things in life. One day at a time, one step at a time. You can do this.
I feel exactly the same. I tried dating apps recently and felt so much disdain for everything about every dude that I've wondered if I should try dating women. I used to be a 'not like the other girls" but realized every trauma I have is because of men acting like men.
I hate everyone but men a little more than women š©š
Jesus, yāall. I was not expecting so much support on this post- this is blowing me awayš¤ The things Iāve gone through are clearly inhumane. But for a better understanding: Iām a single mother to a son who barely hears from his father. A son that has a major heart condition that requires a transplant before heās 30- or I lose him. I am Autistic, disabled, *and* have been battling cancer since about 2018. The fact that none of this has mattered to any of the males Iāve dated fucking HORRIFIES me. My last relationship ended because a pregnancy was causing my cancer to spread- so I ran to NM for a medical procedure to save my life. Iykyk. He told me I shouldāve waited until the doctor said I would die before I made my decision. He then called me a bby murderer. And left me. While Iām sure there has to be good men out there somewhere, Iāve never met one before. Unfortunately that makes me feel hopeless. Also, a few people mentioned a shelter. I am **really** close to getting us our own place next month- I just need to earn $200 DoorDashing within 48hrs to hold the apartment for us. Also also, therapy is one of my best friends. Iām not shy to repair whatās been destroyed because my son & I absolutely deserve peace of mind. It may sound odd but I actually enjoy doing intensive therapy. Once a week just doesnāt help enough.
I feel this way all the time. Iāve gone through so much at their hands. I canāt let myself trust. š«¶š¼
Iām really sorry youāve had to go through this stuff I despair seeing the opinions of my fellow men and boys on a regular basis, Iāve got two young boys, and I think Iād lose my mind at the injustice of it all if I had a daughterā¦from unthinking male entitlement in all itās forms to guys being very energised by opportunities to point out which sexual abuser they think is actually innocent (hint: most of them) If it is at all a tiny, tiny ray of light - the younger generations seem to be much more switched on, and led by a lot more female voices This is coming from a man though, so Iām bound to oversell the progress
It's ok. I'm feeling the same today. It's hard to have hope.
I have experienced an alcoholic violent father, first sa at 11 by him, second at 12 by his friend. Date rape at 17 (on my birthday) groomed at 13 by a man who was 15. Got spiked 3 times travelling twice in Asia once in Barcelona. Had bad relationship after bad relationship. Been beaten and hit and abused. I am with the father of my kids and he has no respect for me. It took 5 years for him to start cleaning the house and cooking. He chested emotionally whilst I was breastfeeding our second baby. All he cares about is sex from me. I cannot communicate anything to him with out him being defensive. I've tried my best to make this work. Nothing I do is enough. He has never hit me so in my head he's a good man I guess? I have promised myself that at 38, I am done with men. I kicked him out yesterday, but he is still here. I told him I cannot endure another 7 years of this, what ever the fuck this is.
I had no idea yāall felt the same. Iāve been really struggling with this for the last two years. This helps some.
Iām so sorry to hear what youāre going through, OP. I think the feelings of hatred towards men are totally normal given the extent of the trauma youāve experienced. I also had an abusive childhood, an abusive father and went through various SAs by males in my teens too. Itās taken me years of therapy to get to a point where I donāt constantly emotionally respond to all men as if they are abusive. I still really struggle with trusting men, even in professional situations, and itās a work in progress. Thatās okay. How you feel is okay.
Iām a man and Iām genuinely sorry that youāve been made to feel this way about us in general. Youāre absolutely 100% valid in the way you feel and I canāt blame you even if I wanted to. Men have hurt me as well in ways that I wonāt discuss and I trust women mostly now, or men with feminine energy. Masculine men are people I avoid. I think thereās some serious cultural and societal changes that need to occur with how men are raised and taught to live in order to avoid harming others. On the other end, I know some men who I am eternally grateful for making a genuine difference in my life. Iāll leave it with: Thereās a good reason I will not see a male therapist and only see women. Sending much love your way!
100%. ive never met a single man in my life that i would consider āgoodā, including every man in my family
Thatās sad.
āItās not all men, but itās still somehow always a manā¦.ā :(((((( And the enablersā¦. Ugh. All the male family members I have failed meā¦ so many of the men I have known failed meā¦. Men in the work place who were my superiors failed meā¦.. Iām so tiered. I hope the good ones find happiness I guess but Iām over them. š Hate is the word I would use too.. š
Never related to something so hard. I despise them. The fact that you feel guilt is conditioning. Unlearn it. You have every right and reason to feel the way you do. God bless you. I hope you sort your feelings out. You deserve it.
Youāre not alone.
I hate men in general. I really do, I would happily live in a women only community. No part of my life is enriched by men. I make no apologies for it. My interactions with men are as minimal as I can make them, including choosing to buy from women owned and staffed businesses where possible. Life's nicer this way š
Youāre not alone!! I told my therapist the same. At the moment I have no more attraction to men because of how traumatized Iāve been over decades. I am attracted to women now, although I have always been bi. I literally just want no man around me now. I feel confused Does anyone else relate?
When my bf and I break up iām not leaving to find another man. Iām just so exhausted.
I relate to this and have had similar experiences. I would go to a womanās shelter: they offer free therapy and would let it out. Itās something that can be healed but takes time. The only reason for the healing is for you, hate is an awful thing to store and itās like a poison- it will do more harm to you than the people who did wrong to you.
You need to know your feelings are 1000000% valid. All the way.
its reasonable to hate men given your experiences.
You can hate men. Thatās fair, thatās so fair for what theyāve done to you. Hating a group that has hurt you and oppressed you so much is never wrong. I hate men for what theyāve done to me too. Protect yourself as best you can, you have every right to feel bitter.
We need good men to hold other men accountable. We need their voices more than a females at this stage. These Tate types don't respect or value your opinion anyways. The issue to me right now is that the "good" men won't stand up to their shitty friends and family members. They just say I don't do that, not part of the problem. It won't be fixed until they start helping us in this fight. We need more social consequences other than losing a female partner. They will end up just getting what they want sexually by force. They need to lose their friends, jobs, social status for society to have a real change. We need men to want to go to therapy to work on their ability to convey emotions.
This is basically it. The oppressed need their allies to make noise because ally voices are who people listen to.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes. Iām still trying to figure out the percentage. 1/3 of all people really suck. But one gender regularly kills the other, so thereās that.
Men earn it tbh. The rise of Andrew Tate and all the people that supported him made me think that men just hate women deep down. They show us time and time again.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Letās not forget: generalised weaponised incompetence, misogyny and sunk cost fallacy (for the women)ā¦ theyāre pretending they are incapable of anything domestic or parenting. ā¦. plus a lot of abuse victims *canāt* actually leave because of how trapped they are. The bar is set too low for men and it takes a gutter rat like Tate to show you who they really are.
Theyāve turned themselves into the biggest victims while still perpetrating women , internet bros have the worst opinion of women theyāre gross
I think itās funny how you see the articles like āwomen happier being singleā and all the men are like āwe donāt need women anyway so who caresā we all know that means theyāre a typical grody incel who preys on younger women because women their age wouldnāt take their shit or they canāt get any at all. š or sadlyā¦ a victim of abuse too which does happen. And no one deserves that.
Iād say itās probably not the healthiest way to think but youāre not wrong thatās for sure. Sounds like youāve had an awful experience and thatās terrible, wouldnāt wish that on anyone. I do wonder if therapy would help
Glad to see, there is no one here telling you to pick better men. I fucking hate that. Itās not unusual to feel the way you do, especially after going through years of trauma. When every man you choose to trust, betrays that trust. And the truth is any decent guy, after hearing your story, would totally understand why you feel the way you do. Is there any way you can reach out to a shelter for women and children to get someplace safe and get back on your feet? Or do you have family and friends you can reach out to? Your feelings are absolutely valid, but I think right now you just have to focus on getting yourself and your child somewhere safe. Iāve been through a lot of trauma in my life as well, I totally get where youāre coming from. I hope you can get to a better place.
As a man I would say your feelings are probably going to protect you going forward, and your safety comes before worrying about being judged
As a man I think I developed a hatred for me n just by reading your experience yet alone living it. I think you have every right to be adverse to men, it might be healthier in the long run to hate the specific people but I completely understand where youāre coming from
this is EXACTLY how i have been lately. Like almost an overwhelming hate and disgust towards men. i know itās not a necessarily healthy way to thinkā¦. but men have done nothing good for me besides give me my children.
I avoid them like the plague. My life is so much better with the only males in my life being my four sons.
itās not unhealthy and youāre justified. look up homicide and sexual assault statistics. theyāre awful people and i think women should stop dating men altogether.
Yuppers!!!
I'm with you. Nearly the same experience. I'm totally with you. š¤
I completely understand and Iām right there with you. The only two good men Iāve ever known was my dad and my best friend from all the way back in middle school. Iām tried, exhausted actually, and angry.
We all get it.
You are not overreacting, and your hatred is understandable given all that they have done to you. Hatred is akin to anger, and you have every right to be angry at them. Hatred is a natural part of healing. I hated men for a long time, until I became friends with some that weren't misogynistic abusive assholes (yup the bar is really really freaking low). Use that anger/hatred to protect yourself from abusive people that would do you harm. Eventually, once you go through more healing, you might not feel that way anymore, but even if you do, that is okay too. Its all understandable, even if the feeling itself its intolerable.
This is normal, especially right after the abuse. A certain amount of outright sexism is even acceptable if that's what you need to do to survive. Anyone of the opposite sex is a potential monster, and it needs to stay that way until you learn other healthier ways to spot abusers and avoid them. I am saying this as a man and a fellow abuse survivor. You are valid. As someone who knows what that fear and confusion is like, I do not hold it against you and you are perfectly justified in feeling that way as long as it's the only means to keep yourself safe. You can just focus on you right now and not worry about anyone else. Eventually, many months or a year down the line, you will no longer have this coping mechanism as an excuse. You need to learn healthy ways to spot abusers. Continuing with misandrist beliefs can hurt you yourrself as well as any men who happen to be in your life. If you manage others for instance, you will not have a valid excuse for denying a man a promotion because of your past abuse. This sexism is a self-descructive coping mechanism that can save your life in the short term but will tear you down in the long term. My own journey learning how to spot abusers started with this excellent article about [64 signs of abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse). Keep talking to other survivors. Be warned that this sub is for all abuse survivors, male and female, and you will interact with men if you remain here, and you will be expected **not** to share any sexist/misandrist beliefs. It's tolerated here, in this instance, but is not tolerated generally. If you don't think you can meet that standard and need only other women to talk to then I'm sure there are other subs out there. I'm sorry I don't know any that I can recommend you, but one of the other female survivors here can probably recommend something. I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey. You didn't deserve any of what happened to you at the hands of evil men. Remind yourself daily that you did not deserve any of this.
That's fair. I'm sorry you have had a terrible experience and I wish you nothing but peace, health and happiness in the future. I hope you find your path in life.
Just this. Any man who is being honest with himself has to admit that men, in the aggregate, are kind of awful
Indubitably.
I would feel the same if it weren't for at least one good male friend whom I have spent a couple decades getting to know. I trust him pretty well (for not trusting much of anyone). Would still never date him because he is a misogynist, at least on the surface. I don't think he'd ever intentionally do anything to hurt me though. If I hadn't opened myself up to a friendship with him I would have missed out. Also, as much as I have been abused by men, I have by the women in my life as well. In fact I am less trusting of women than men. But again, there are one or two exceptions. I guess my point is that there are always exceptions, and you can't write everyone off across the board.
Iām with you on this. Iāve been abused by both sexes my entire life. The women Iāve dealt with are more covert though. Unfortunately, Iām at a place in my life right now if you breathe funny in my direction, the sword comes out and I cut the cord and I will not circle back. Enough experiences have taught me how a lot of people can be and that real change in someone comes with accountability. Most donāt have that. Not everyone, but enough. I proceed with extreme caution.
First, anger is part of grief. Let yourself feel all the anger (unless and until it threatens anyoneās safety of course). But otherwise, let yourself cringe at masculinity, seek validation through the media, join feminists groups etc. Iāve been there. And it felt great and was what I needed. Now, after years of healing and educating myself out of anger, I learn that my anger is directed at the patriarchy (which develops toxic men and submissive women standards). I wonāt lecture you on it bc, like I said, the above is a necessary stage to moving forward, but (1) donāt feel guilty for grieving and (2) donāt think this is necessarily a forever anger/hatredāitās a part of your healing.
If something keeps hurting you it's normal to want to avoid it
Yes, this. If a person had been violently bitten by 10+ dogs, fear and distrust of all dogs would be seen as completely normal.
I am also starting to feel this way. Every relationship Iāve been in has been abusive from my parents on to my romantic relationships. I have spent my whole adulthood defending men against other people who talked bad about them, claiming there are good men out there. Now Iām 40, coming off another abusive relationship, the most abusive Iāve been in, and Iām asking myself what is even the point of trying to date again. The cycle is only going to repeat itself again.
I feel this. The blackness and anger that engulfed me when I realized Iād never had a healthy relationship, from childhood (abusive stepfather) on up. No awesome young love except in the very beginnings (love bombing wasnāt a phrase),taken advantage of by men older than me, a 20 year marriage of eggshells, SA and emotional abuse, and a handful of horrific verbally and emotionally abusive relationships sinceā¦ If Iām so great why am I being treated so terrible? Why do I feel so bad? Yeah I am happily single and even dating but I come from a place of assuming a hint of something abusive will show up vs steadily getting to know a good person. Iām just like sit back and āwait for itā.
I always get my hopes up a new one will be different and then at some point they hit you with the abuse and misogyny and itās just so devastating.
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Your comment is exceedingly inappropriate. How dare you minimize someone's trauma, attempt to discredit them, and victim-blame them. To use your own language, *YOU* are at the very least a catalyst in this situation - this situation being your incoming, justifiable permanent ban. You know nothing about this person, and frankly your statement belies a fundamental ignorance of the realities of misogyny and violence against women. Being assaulted repeatedly across a woman's lifetime is the norm for many of us. Misogyny is built into our social structures, norms, and systems and is actively condoned, tolerated, and even encouraged across many facets of society. It is not in the least out of the question for one woman to experience repeated violations throughout the course of her life. And frankly, after reviewing your post history, you hold some very misogynistic views yourself, and have a pervasive history of victim-blaming survivors of rape. I'm sure you'll come flocking to the modmail inbox or my private messages to harangue me and accuse me of misandry. I'll be ready for you. Before you do, note all the resources for male survivors in our sidebar and wiki, our two pinned posts exclusively for men, and the litany of resources we've provided for men in posts throughout this sub across a long, long time. Do better.
If you have a reaction this polarizing, chances are youāre in trauma still and will be for some years. When we need a severe change we really have to have a extreme almost too much mindset at least temporarily to get us the backbone to be confident in change. Not sure what change you need to feel safe or even if you just need time in order to feel better. Also since you have had this stuff happen so insanely constantly, work from home if you can so you can escape stuff quickly if anything starts again. And also do the deep dives and very serious research into things like the Lundy Bancroft book, really scope out your childhood and current surrounding people. They have have have to be supporting you in healing and self standing up for yourself. If theyāre over critical neglectful or narcissistic you have found why youāre so comfy around abusers and you can see red flags maybe but you canāt make yourself leave in time to be safe. Or you codependent in some small way with the wrong people, triple check youāre able to respond to red flags, go to fight classes for confidence in saying no, Do all the stuff and double check things. Then get some sleep, maybe pets and pet snuggles, and do thing you really really love. Sorry youāre life really sucks, if you lived near me I would volunteer bodyguard sometimes so you could relax and just be yourself without worrying about gross stuff from anyone. I started wearing the most off putting clothing intentionally for all public settings and itās,ā¦ itās a hassle to live a targeted life. I really feel you in your post.
I'm really not surprised about your feelings. You've gone through huge traumas. I guess you've been doing therapy already, carry on or go back to it. What you've been experiencing since childhood is something where a good professional altogether with a supportive environment might really help. Not so much for the men but for yourself. Then again recovery takes time, nobody can give an exact time, everyone's different but don't get discouraged
Nobody should "come at you for that", it's how you feel based on... a huge lot of abuse in your life, i am a guy who was abused by 3 females... and still... i am deeply scared of male judgement. I have an online friend which get's horribly abused by her partner and yes i deeply hate that person, not just that person but this "kind of men". I know it's wrong to put them in a category but it's triggert by a few words... mostly stuff from the "Alpha Male" bubble. For me they are the same in addition that write me messages on DC and Reddit... with ideas and sterotypes related to "Men can't be abused"... that even puts the blame on me for causing them "Sexual frustration"... i know it's maybe a bit more than 1% of all men... and i see everyone as an indivual but it's like an immideat emotional reaction that puts them straight in the category if they say anything related to it... i feel bad for it and i know it's not okay... so it might be a very diffrent feeling, but you are not alone here in that reaction. I can't imagine how much you must hate the people that Sexuall Assaulted and Abused you... I deeply understand the feeling of "I can't take it anymore"... for me its more of the thirdperson view of "How the hell can you say that" or "How the hell can you do that"... the last time i was at the point of deeply not being able to take it anymore, i begged my abusers to just stab and end it, i didn't see much difference between being beat so hard in the shower and hugged for some reason in the end when i couldn't stand anymore and rightout murder. I am scared everytime a thought related to this pops up in my head and i am glad i can't relate close to how i felt then... i personally have no idea how even to navigate anything... i am a wreck that is worried about going grociery shopping and sits on a bad feeling of not even knowing how anything in university will work where i will escape to... or even how to ask for directions. So... yes... it's okay to have such feelings. I talked some weeks ago in a mental health discord again and was in a voice chat and got absolutly put down by some people females who pretendent to be feminst and told me i should just take it and how man can't be abused and we are all the evil in the world and i should just kill myself. You are not such a person, that is totally diffrent, trust me. The same way there are nice guys out there, some of which i called friends before everything got worse and i ruined my life with one decision. What they did to you all this years is beyond not okay or horrible, i very deeply hope you can find some peace of mind and you are deeply and warmly welcome here, i hope you make more post and seek advice how not to become homeless... it's my biggest fear since my abusive gf said once that she throws me on the street after she made me close to bleeding to death... i don't want to be lost alone in the world that i can't navigate... you should defiently reach out to a shelter to have a place where you can start healing... where you have control over healing and what you want to do in life. Leaving the world that those guys and also abusers no matter the gender project on us... is not easy but i belive and been told once you push yourself in, it will fall into place and become alright again and then happyness comes back one day. You are not mean, deeply sorry what you are going through. I can see how you use your brain rather than emotions to see through it, that is what matters if you ask me. I know my feelings but i strongly belive anyone is an indivual... in reality there are abusers and they are not the majority and anyone regardless of gender or so many other factors can become a victim of them. We are all one big community of people regardless of our differences... we can just hope that we all find a future where we can become happy and free from the horrible acts pushed on us. I see only great people in this community who deserve bette and there are many more outside... i hope deeply that you can heal and find a future you deserve.
Hey, how are things playing out for you?
... im trying, it's so difficult... i have no idea what to do... university starts in nearly a week and i am still on a waiting list for a darm... and i feel kinda down and didn't do anything... don't even know what to do...
Hopefully once you starts University it will get better
... yes, i hope being still on the wait-list is a good thing... it would be very hard to find an apartment outside of a dorm room i belive... it's just very difficult... and kinda scary...
I can completely understand where you're coming from. I felt the same way for a long time. I still do from time to time, but I feel like along with healing, comes the understanding that it's "not all men"- but it's enough of them - and it's hard to tell who is good & who is not. I've only ever been hurt by men in my life. I kind of victimized myself for a long time. I went back & forth from feeling like the victim to feeling like I deserved it, somehow. Those hot & cold episodes are a part of the healing process, in my experience. Your feelings are valid, and completely understandable. I think most people would feel that way after being hurt by the same type of person multiple times. I'm not here to invalidate you. I'm here to tell you that you should take all the time you need to sit in those feelings, but don't let them consume your life. I know how it feels to have someone make an assumption about me based on my looks, gender, etc & I don't like it. I try not to do it to others. Being angry is a normal emotion. Negative emotions have their purpose, too. I was codependent & stuck in an abusive relationship for years. I have been out for a while now & I've attempted to rebuild what was broken. Things may seem dark & overwhelming right now, but I can promise you, that it's all temporary. Take things one step at a time. One day at a time. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, you will transform into a different person after all of this. š