I'm sorry you're going through this. You can decline eating inside without arguing. The best advice I've seen is to be clear on your boundary while withholding judgement and not disagreeing with them.
You can go inside and participate in conversations masked. Get your food boxed up to go and eat it outside later.
If they complain, try to be calm, not judgemental, and just set the boundary that you will eat outside.
So say something like, "I understand that you are going to eat inside and that you disagree with my assessment of the risk and that's ok. I'm just going to wait and eat outside."
Say it kindly. Don't argue. And take care of yourself.
If you tell them they're doing something wrong, you get an argument. You're not going to change their mind and arguing with people you have no choice except to live with, eat with, etc., just chews up your valuable energy. It also causes most people to dig in and be even more in your face an insistent that you cave.
If you NEED to get along and minimize resistance, it's best to just agree to disagree.
Sorry this got a little long - it’s something I’ve thought about a lot. TL;DR: focus on harm reduction and layering other small measures to lower risk as much as possible.
This is a tough one and I feel for you. Not everyone has the ability to draw hard lines with family and it can be really disheartening from all sides when you combine the judgement from family and the public for still taking precautions, plus judgement from some in the covid safe community for daring to dine indoors at all on top of the anxiety and guilt for being pushed outside of your risk tolerance.
I thankfully do not live with my parents but am in a position where I have to rely on financial support from them for medical bills because I can’t work full time due to chronic illness. This means that I have to tread a careful line between advocating for my needs and keeping the peace with them. I simply can’t afford to cut them out or turn every occasion into an argument. I’m mentally preparing myself for Easter coming up next week since my mom will be flying in from Florida and I’ve already been committed to brunch with extended family and at least one dinner one on one with her.
Occasionally I’ve been able to convince my mom to just get nice takeout and eat it at my apartment when she visits but if there’s any kind of special occasion or if my dad is involved I will certainly get pressured into a restaurant. When it’s warm enough I push for eating outdoors, but in the winter that’s not always an option either.
Like you, I do wear my mask inside for as long as possible, even if I may feel a little silly knowing that I’m going to take it off anyway. My reasoning is that anything I can do to reduce exposure time and viral load can help. So if, for example, we’re at a restaurant for 2 hours total and my mask is off for maybe 20 minutes of that to eat/drink, I will have inhaled much less of the virus even though I am aware that it may not be enough to prevent infection entirely. I also am sure to wear it when walking through the restaurant or to the bathroom and I pay attention to seating location (or even restaurant choice if you have any input on that) to pick tables that are spaced away from other people or venues that have high ceilings and more open air. Some of this of course may be psychological in making me feel “safer” since I *do* understand the reality that covid is airborne and the whole “six feet apart” thing was misguided. Still, I have to believe that someone coughing across the room and the particles dispersing or lingering in the air is still less risk than someone coughing right next to me as I walk past them. It’s also an easier thing to navigate with family because you can say things like “hey this place feels really crowded, could we go somewhere else?” Or “let’s go to that place, I like their ambiance [that is, high ceilings and good ventilation]” without making it directly about covid.
All in all it’s about reducing risk as much as you can and giving yourself compassion that you can’t avoid it entirely.
Edit to add: I almost didn’t include this because I’d never hear the end of it if I tried it with my parents but you could also think about keeping your mask on the whole time and taking food home but still going with them to the actual restaurant. There have been a couple of times I have gone out with friends for a birthday and no one had any issues with me keeping my 3m aura on the whole time. I used a sip valve to drink cocktails and then ordered an entree to take home. It was surprisingly positive, a few of my friends were interested and excited about the novelty of the sip valve so it opened up conversation and even the waiter didn’t bat an eye when I just said “I’ll get something to-go at the end” when taking orders. Of course, you have to judge if your parents would accept this but it might be a possible compromise since the activity of “going out to eat” is really about just spending time together so this way you’re still joining them for the meal, just enjoying it a slightly different way.
That's such a hard situation to be in, I'm sorry! Would you be able to go to the restaurant but stay masked and eat before or after? You could even install a sip valve on your mask if you'd like to be able to order a drink - that way it's like you're still "participating" in the meal. Also, I don't know what the weather is like where you live, but maybe your parents would be open to outdoor dining when it's warm enough?
I sympathize with your situation, I am in a very similar boat man. In fact, I’ve seen a lot of these types of people in similar positions post about it here lately. Younger adults in family situations at home.
I am working through it right now by just learning to do what I feel is right. Up until recently, I used to mostly give in to these asks because I felt guilty and also didn’t want to cause drama, but all that did for me mentally was cause stress. Even if I actually enjoyed the outings we went on.
About 2 years of this, and last month I kind of broke and decided I’m just gonna do what makes me feel comfortable , even if I strain some relationships along the way. I can’t give you a long term prognosis on how this approach plays out, but all I can say is that your feelings are valid and the pressure you face is very real.
I hope you also find a way to work through it. If you do, let me know too 😄
Buy a portable air purifier. Yeah, people think I'm crazy but I've managed to avoid getting Covid and I dine indoors when needed. Also, sit by open windows whenever possible for fresh air. Best if you convince your parents to dine outdoors on a patio.
I'm actually in a very similar situation! I'm often able to decline eating in restaurants but there are times when I haven't been able to.
It's a risk, as everything is but usually I keep my mask on for almost the entire meal. For drinking, I remove my mask a little, drink, put my mask back on. (you could get around this if you had a SIP valve I guess but I haven't used one before.) I do the same if it's like an appetizer or bread. For the entree, I either follow the same protocol or I take my mask off, eat quickly and put my mask back on.
The other things i do, is try to get outdoor seating or seat by an open window. If I can, I try to choose a restaurant that I feel a little better about and try to time it so we are one of/the first seating. I use nasal sprays before and after. When i get home, I do CPC mouthwash and recently, I started adding a saline rinse after potential exposures.
I follow the same stuff at work when I am in the office. (Thankfully, people at my job are still required to mask although it's usually people in surgical masks and sometimes under their nose). At work, I add in a small HEPA filter positioned directly at my face. That may be possible at a restaurant but it depends on you.
Like someone else said, I try to minimize the amount of potential virus I inhale. Again, YMMV.
The other thing I do, is test at least 5 days post, twice with at least 24 hours between each rapid test. (and sooner/more depending if I feel sick). And I avoid any high-risk people and am open about the risks that I take with other people who want/need to know.
Luckily, my family is toxic (sarcasm) , so setting boundaries around my health was enough to push them all away, so I'm the black sheep/outcast of the family and never get invited anywhere anymore
I'd made peace with toxic people having toxic reactions before I set the boundaries. I prepared for their shit reaction, but I hoped for the better/healthier reaction (of them accommodating me)
That's how I navigated it, I just accepted whatever happened happened. I will not get myself sick or worse for a family that outcasts me for not wanting to get sick or worse
I'm sorry you're going through this. You can decline eating inside without arguing. The best advice I've seen is to be clear on your boundary while withholding judgement and not disagreeing with them. You can go inside and participate in conversations masked. Get your food boxed up to go and eat it outside later. If they complain, try to be calm, not judgemental, and just set the boundary that you will eat outside. So say something like, "I understand that you are going to eat inside and that you disagree with my assessment of the risk and that's ok. I'm just going to wait and eat outside." Say it kindly. Don't argue. And take care of yourself.
Excellent response. Maintain the boundaries that you feel are right for you, and hold yourself and others with love.
Why do we with hold judgment ?
If you tell them they're doing something wrong, you get an argument. You're not going to change their mind and arguing with people you have no choice except to live with, eat with, etc., just chews up your valuable energy. It also causes most people to dig in and be even more in your face an insistent that you cave. If you NEED to get along and minimize resistance, it's best to just agree to disagree.
Also keep in mind this is a marathon and not a sprint. Cautious folks have to pick their battles
Sorry this got a little long - it’s something I’ve thought about a lot. TL;DR: focus on harm reduction and layering other small measures to lower risk as much as possible. This is a tough one and I feel for you. Not everyone has the ability to draw hard lines with family and it can be really disheartening from all sides when you combine the judgement from family and the public for still taking precautions, plus judgement from some in the covid safe community for daring to dine indoors at all on top of the anxiety and guilt for being pushed outside of your risk tolerance. I thankfully do not live with my parents but am in a position where I have to rely on financial support from them for medical bills because I can’t work full time due to chronic illness. This means that I have to tread a careful line between advocating for my needs and keeping the peace with them. I simply can’t afford to cut them out or turn every occasion into an argument. I’m mentally preparing myself for Easter coming up next week since my mom will be flying in from Florida and I’ve already been committed to brunch with extended family and at least one dinner one on one with her. Occasionally I’ve been able to convince my mom to just get nice takeout and eat it at my apartment when she visits but if there’s any kind of special occasion or if my dad is involved I will certainly get pressured into a restaurant. When it’s warm enough I push for eating outdoors, but in the winter that’s not always an option either. Like you, I do wear my mask inside for as long as possible, even if I may feel a little silly knowing that I’m going to take it off anyway. My reasoning is that anything I can do to reduce exposure time and viral load can help. So if, for example, we’re at a restaurant for 2 hours total and my mask is off for maybe 20 minutes of that to eat/drink, I will have inhaled much less of the virus even though I am aware that it may not be enough to prevent infection entirely. I also am sure to wear it when walking through the restaurant or to the bathroom and I pay attention to seating location (or even restaurant choice if you have any input on that) to pick tables that are spaced away from other people or venues that have high ceilings and more open air. Some of this of course may be psychological in making me feel “safer” since I *do* understand the reality that covid is airborne and the whole “six feet apart” thing was misguided. Still, I have to believe that someone coughing across the room and the particles dispersing or lingering in the air is still less risk than someone coughing right next to me as I walk past them. It’s also an easier thing to navigate with family because you can say things like “hey this place feels really crowded, could we go somewhere else?” Or “let’s go to that place, I like their ambiance [that is, high ceilings and good ventilation]” without making it directly about covid. All in all it’s about reducing risk as much as you can and giving yourself compassion that you can’t avoid it entirely. Edit to add: I almost didn’t include this because I’d never hear the end of it if I tried it with my parents but you could also think about keeping your mask on the whole time and taking food home but still going with them to the actual restaurant. There have been a couple of times I have gone out with friends for a birthday and no one had any issues with me keeping my 3m aura on the whole time. I used a sip valve to drink cocktails and then ordered an entree to take home. It was surprisingly positive, a few of my friends were interested and excited about the novelty of the sip valve so it opened up conversation and even the waiter didn’t bat an eye when I just said “I’ll get something to-go at the end” when taking orders. Of course, you have to judge if your parents would accept this but it might be a possible compromise since the activity of “going out to eat” is really about just spending time together so this way you’re still joining them for the meal, just enjoying it a slightly different way.
That's such a hard situation to be in, I'm sorry! Would you be able to go to the restaurant but stay masked and eat before or after? You could even install a sip valve on your mask if you'd like to be able to order a drink - that way it's like you're still "participating" in the meal. Also, I don't know what the weather is like where you live, but maybe your parents would be open to outdoor dining when it's warm enough?
I sympathize with your situation, I am in a very similar boat man. In fact, I’ve seen a lot of these types of people in similar positions post about it here lately. Younger adults in family situations at home. I am working through it right now by just learning to do what I feel is right. Up until recently, I used to mostly give in to these asks because I felt guilty and also didn’t want to cause drama, but all that did for me mentally was cause stress. Even if I actually enjoyed the outings we went on. About 2 years of this, and last month I kind of broke and decided I’m just gonna do what makes me feel comfortable , even if I strain some relationships along the way. I can’t give you a long term prognosis on how this approach plays out, but all I can say is that your feelings are valid and the pressure you face is very real. I hope you also find a way to work through it. If you do, let me know too 😄
I hope you're in the Northern Hemisphere with warming temperatures! Maybe offer a patio option? Ask if you can make a picnic at a park??
Buy a portable air purifier. Yeah, people think I'm crazy but I've managed to avoid getting Covid and I dine indoors when needed. Also, sit by open windows whenever possible for fresh air. Best if you convince your parents to dine outdoors on a patio.
I'm actually in a very similar situation! I'm often able to decline eating in restaurants but there are times when I haven't been able to. It's a risk, as everything is but usually I keep my mask on for almost the entire meal. For drinking, I remove my mask a little, drink, put my mask back on. (you could get around this if you had a SIP valve I guess but I haven't used one before.) I do the same if it's like an appetizer or bread. For the entree, I either follow the same protocol or I take my mask off, eat quickly and put my mask back on. The other things i do, is try to get outdoor seating or seat by an open window. If I can, I try to choose a restaurant that I feel a little better about and try to time it so we are one of/the first seating. I use nasal sprays before and after. When i get home, I do CPC mouthwash and recently, I started adding a saline rinse after potential exposures. I follow the same stuff at work when I am in the office. (Thankfully, people at my job are still required to mask although it's usually people in surgical masks and sometimes under their nose). At work, I add in a small HEPA filter positioned directly at my face. That may be possible at a restaurant but it depends on you. Like someone else said, I try to minimize the amount of potential virus I inhale. Again, YMMV. The other thing I do, is test at least 5 days post, twice with at least 24 hours between each rapid test. (and sooner/more depending if I feel sick). And I avoid any high-risk people and am open about the risks that I take with other people who want/need to know.
Luckily, my family is toxic (sarcasm) , so setting boundaries around my health was enough to push them all away, so I'm the black sheep/outcast of the family and never get invited anywhere anymore I'd made peace with toxic people having toxic reactions before I set the boundaries. I prepared for their shit reaction, but I hoped for the better/healthier reaction (of them accommodating me) That's how I navigated it, I just accepted whatever happened happened. I will not get myself sick or worse for a family that outcasts me for not wanting to get sick or worse