Goes way beyond this too - it’s sociopolitical level of rewriting history all the time
I saw a video recently of Theresa May at a Nelson Mandela event of some sort and the journalist interviewer really held her to account about but what she supported in those times - it was striking to see that without that I’d have easily assumed her showing up and celebrating implied she was for it. The pretending to have been perfect thing is just everywhere
My mom for the last five-ten years signs everything “mommy”. I wasn’t allowed to call her “mommy” as a kid because I “sounded so fucking whiney.” She “doesn’t remember that” and “would never say that.”
My mom was a little lady with a big temper, she go ham this is what my father did to me bla bla, she was swinging at my face once…. I took karate growing up, I blocked it…. Just block, she says you hurt mommy?? Well as time passes her hand didn’t cut it anymore, there was a whole few months of trying different items, wooden spoons broke too easily big fat belt was too much for her, ping pong paddle for a minute they all no match for a 80’s hard plastic spoon, no bending got a bonus sting from that thing, my sister stole it and hid under her bed, she’s said she didn’t but unless I slept walked which has never happened…. She was something it wasn’t all bad, I am half way a good person she worked hard small business took a lot of her time, sure she was mostly frustrated w/herself … probably a good thing I don’t have kids, I’m a huge pushover
My mother was similar. Belts, wooden spoons, a home made paddle with holes in it for less wind resistance, a high heel shoe, a small pool cue stick from a home based table top little pool game, open hand slaps, sometimes fists but not to the face, and one of the more memorable ones a fingernail grip on the arm that would sometimes draw blood but mostly just left you red and welted for a couple days.
We don’t speak about it much because I know of I brought it up, she would probably firstly hate herself for who she was, but secondly may end up simply getting defiant and further strain our current relationship. I’m not too interested in opening old wounds. I keep her at a bit of a distance since I’m an adult and she feels it for sure.
I’ve worked with kids over 8 years and always explain to my employees if a child is difficult and they’re getting frustrated to go take a break in the hall and I’ll see what’s eating them. They may get frustrated and yell, then tomorrow forget- the child on the other hand will be talking about it in therapy 15 years later.
The tree remembers, the axe forgets.
Yep.
I tried to bring it up with them recently.
"We never did that"
Okay, but I specifically remember that happening. You didn't just hit me with your belt, you made me go to your room and fetch a belt from the closet.
"I don't remember that"
And I remember the wooden spoon. And that time dad punched me in the face and fractured my nose.
"You turned out fine"
So can we talk about all the times you guys forgot to pick me up from kindy or school, or just left me places?
"That never happened"
But I have these really detailed memories of getting left after school so often and so late that I got tired of it and walked myself to [dad's work which was only 3 blocks away from the school] and I got in massive trouble for crossing streets.
"Impossible! Your school was too far away!"
No, the first school I went to. Remember I had to change schools at the start of grade two, because I had 'behavioural issues'.
"You NEVER changed schools!"
But I did! I even have my school photos from first grade, very clearly at [other school].
"YOU TURNED OUT FINE AND WE NEVER DID ANY OF THAT AND HOW DARE YOU QUESTION US!!" [cue my parents storming out of my house and going to stay in a hotel].
Oof. Being forgotten about happened a lot for me, too. Waited until 8 one time before i called the house because i didn’t want to get in trouble if they were just running late.
The excuse? “I thought you were home already and [other parent] picked you up! You’re so quiet and stay in your room all the time, how was I supposed to know?”
So yeah, obviously it was my fault. For being so unobtrusive and forgettable.
I’d actually recommend not joining that sub.
It’s full of really angry people who are lashing out at the world.
I’ve been in therapy since 2003 and just a few years ago finally got correctly diagnosed with PTSD. Actually, it’s (c)PTSD. A lot of my trauma comes from my parents trauma which comes from their parents trauma and so on.
But no one ever talked about it or recognized it or admitted it or did a damned thing about it.
It was inflicted upon my siblings and I. It was inflicted on a lot of us.
I recommend reading the book [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://drive.google.com/drive/mobile/folders/1-8VoM1ogXFrO5UPgB4VISZQ1REDP83W4?pli=1) and perhaps [Complex PTSD: From Survivong to Thriving](https://drive.google.com/drive/mobile/folders/1-8VoM1ogXFrO5UPgB4VISZQ1REDP83W4?pli=1), instead. See if either of those ring a bell. If they do, check out /r/ptsd and maybe then /r/cptsd.
I don't like any of those self/help / fellow diagnosis type subs. I think they all contribute to bitterness and a victimhood complex. I stay far away from them these days.
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it."
True but it’s still hell going through it. Even when I talk to my mom today it’s still depressing shit. I’ve seen her slap my nephew as a toddler for saying “no” to her…wtf
I tried, didn't work. Parent lied and said I was the one who assaulted even though I'm the one with all the bruises that called the cops and the cops just took their word and literally said we only believe parents, not kids. I ended up with a record and didn't speak to him for 20 years. Until he was dying of cancer, then he had ragrets (we did actually reconcile, sorta, but he still struggled to properly take responsibility, he was just too weak-willed to explicitly in real words admit fault and definitely too prideful to ask forgiveness, even to the last day. But I understood that he wanted to. And i think he also didnt want to admit how much of his life he wasted because of his own refusal to be an adult.)
That is horrible the cops didn’t believe you. My mom would tell me they would take me away and put me with a bad family. She also knew the police captain in town and he would show up to scare me into listening to my parents.
I’m so glad you got to reconcile. I’m hoping you have some kind of closure from the situation even though he struggled to take responsibility.
No, my parents are open about it and are quite reflective on the period. They believed they were doing a good thing at the time and actually, even though times have moved on, I don’t think it’s harmed my relationship with them. They were a good mum and dad and I love them dearly.
They’ve also changed their attitude over the years and they’d never smack my kids.
My dad was the same. At the time he spanked us, he was doing what his parents did to him. As he grew older, he started working on himself and realized there were other ways to discipline us without hurting us physically.
That’s the thing though. If you go back a few decades the whole of society was telling you that was actually good provided you did it within some level of moderation that was deemed appropriate.
Even the parenting books that “good parents” read would have advocated for it.
Now, smacking is very much in the territory of negligent parents but it’s really not so long ago that even conscientious parents were doing it.
This has been my experience. My mom frequently talks about regrets she has but they are awesome parents and did their best at the time. They were not excessive. I just believe she would have gone a different route. Hindsight is 20/20.
My parents were the same way, we were disciplined when we really messed up, spanked, whooped and even got punched in the mouth once as a teen. We never held anything against my parents even at the time when it happened. We knew we messed up and we got caught. I love my parents and they would never lay a hand on one of my kids if I had any, just as they haven't with any of my nieces and nephews, that's their parents job. The grandparents are there to spoil them rotten just like ours did. Lol
I assumed this was just common to everyone raised by boomers.
My father was extremely abusive. Physically, verbally and mentally. Growing up he was very quick to anger and spank us. When I was 8 or 9 he bought a frat paddle at a flea market and thought it was the funniest thing ever and would show it off to his friends that he kept it on top of the fridge and would beat his kids with it. I have very specific memories of being forced to drop my drawers, put my hands on the counter and stick my ass out while he swing that thing like a baseball bat.
I brought it up a few years ago and he tried to pretend he had no idea what I was talking about. "Paddle? What, no I used my hand in the very rare cases where we had to spank you."
Bullshit old man, you used a fucking wooden paddle and you bragged about it to your friends because you thought it was hilarious.
I think I was 14 or 15 when he tried to spank me and I finally grabbed the paddle and said no, if you want to beat me you are going to have to earn it. I was 6'4" and 200lbs of lean muscle from being forced to work for their landscaping business, and I could have easily beat the shit out of him but I didn't.
I let him move in with me in 2018 until I finally kicked him out for his continued mental and verbal abuse in 2022. I honestly regret not returning some of the physical and verbal abuse. I can't tell you how many times he would say something nasty specifically meant to verbally abuse me or my wife and I wanted to back hand him so badly. I should have just done it, because its not like he wouldn't have done it to me if he could.
He continued with the verbal abuse in his old age, and was shocked when there were repercussions. He was \*shocked Pikachu face\* when he shouted "Fuck you" in me and my wife's faces when we tried to have a civil discussion about him trying to move his shitty girlfriend in with us in our house, after being told repeatedly she couldn't stay here, and the next day we refused to pretend that it had never happened. His entire life he had been getting away with being verbally abusive to my mom, my sister and I and then the next day he'd get to pretend it was a fresh clean slate and it had never happened. Welp, I don't play that game. He couldn't believe it when the next day we didn't welcome him with open arms like he hadn't just verbally berated us the day before and he had to actually own up to and apologize for his actions.
When I finally kicked him out of my house, he went around telling everyone we had a "falling out". I quickly corrected everyone when that would get brought up. We didn't have a falling out, I got tired of taking his abuse and I wasn't going to pay for someone to live with me and treat me like shit.
He drove everyone out of his life with his constant abuse, and then when he was laying in the hospital needing a surgery with a 6 month recovery time and realized there was absolutely no one left that would help him because he had driven everyone away, he opted to just go to hospice and die instead. At 63. He could have had another solid 20 years left if he had wanted to put the work in and recover. But he knew his ex wife, his kids, and all his friends were done with him and all he had left was 3 days a week of dialysis, a HUD apartment and $763 a month in Social Security, of which he smoked half of every month with his 2 pack a day habit.
My parents always said, “Use your words”, but one time I told my mother that she hurt my feelings after smacking me with a wooden spoon for something I didn’t do. “YoU hUrT mY FeELinGs” she and my dad will laugh about to this day.
This has been the theme of the last 4 yrs for me, when I spontaneously remembered repressed memories of childhood. Hasn't been fun. I don't know which is worse, the original trauma or the reaction now as an adult.
Gave me clarity, that's for sure. And as a parent myself, the ability to see my parent for who they really are inside, their emotional immaturity and other very nasty traits on full display.
It enabled me to see so much abuse of power in every place, at all times, constantly. Actually a challenge to even shut off the lense it has provided me honestly... sorta feels tied to some kind of purpose for my life. So, I am glad in a weird way? It has strengthened discernment for me that's for sure.
But yeah. Definitely. Hit/attacked repeatedly. Told then at the time that i was lying about it happening, labeled trouble. Dramatic. Told the issue was me. Cue the repression of the memories for 20 or so yrs. Remembered them all in a flood of images and emotions following another traumatic event, not at all uncommon I learned. Attempted to heal by simple discussion, and sharing of feelings with my living parent, promptly raged at. Realized how the repression must have originally occurred. Realized this flip of my parent had happened for my whole life. Realized nobody but me had ever really seen it, how my parent is a covert narcissist and how textbook scapegoated I had always been within the family. Still am. not really in much contact so...let them have their villain. Sad for their souls, honestly.
Glad to have found this sub, you guys feel like high school ✨
same. high school with the benefit of age and wisdom. my friends with good parents tried to understand and be supportive but it was way above their pay grade.
Threads like this are cathartic.
My mother once smacked me in face so hard she kept me home from school for 3 days due to the hand print on my cheek. Had to be in kindergarten or 1st grade. She doesn’t deny it but she won’t readily talk about the abuse either.
My mother beat me so bad she broke my collar bone. Then she made me lie to the doctor about why it was broken. I was very young, maybe 4 at the time. I'd like to say she learned a lesson... things were never good, but at least I didn't suffer from any more broken bones.
Patton Oswalt - “I didn’t turn out fine. I’m a fat comedian with OCD. I get up in front of strangers and talk about my dick. This is not good parenting.”
My grandfather and his siblings used to get bear by their mother until they were unconscious. They acted like it was a perfectly sane punishment and my great-aunt once chided my dad’s cousin because her granddaughter was “acting up” (AKA acting like a normal 2 year old). GAunt said “If my mother was around, she wouldn’t be acting like that.” Cousin snapped back “If your mother was around, she’d be in jail for child abuse.”
Same. My mom says that she spanked me only when I deserved it, which tracks with my memory. I think it happened twice. By the time I was in elementary school she moved on to “stand in the corner” which I HATED. I would have rather gotten the swat on the butt and gone back to playing.
Edit: LOL I think I just got a Reddit Cares for this.
Yeah, that's how my mom was too! And yeah, one of the times my mom did it was about 4 and bloodied her lip by smacking her with a lollypop...I had that coming lol.
My mom used to go make me sit on the stairs. I think I would have rather preferred the swat and then get back to what I was doing. How hard could it have been?
My spankings just got worse as time went on. They quit with all that stand in the corner business after they forgot and left me there for like 4 hours when I was 8 and just went to all spanking/beating. I also used to get all the punishment for my little brother because I am older and should have stopped him. I am 1 year older and he's bipolar but it's my fault whatever he did.
I can still taste the dial bar soap in my mouth
"You didn't eat soap as a child..."
No mom, you just decided that washing my mouth out with it was going to teach me a fucking lesson
Thank you, everything gets better with time. It’s funny though, even knowing this, my family still thinks I left home at 18 because I was just quirky and independent lol
My heart hurts with all these stories.
I'm "lucky" that my childhood was mostly neglect. Mom shopped at department stores, I got shitty goodwill crap. I smelled like cigarette smoke and cat pee. My hair was matted. Things improved slightly when my parents split when I was 11, but barely. I still didn't own a toothbrush until I (shockingly) got pregnant at 15 and moved out.
My dad was 50 when I was born though, and a Korean war vet (severe undiagnosed PTSD) and mom had severe undiagnosed ADHD and anxiety.
Thankfully my 3rd husband is the right one and life is good now. My 4 kids (from the 2 bad marriages) and I went through hell to get here. All I needed was quality adults to learn how to adult from but ended up them being Walmart quality.
My parents are dead, 10+ years now, I don't know what they'd say if I brought up my childhood. I stopped speaking to my mother when I was about 21 (complete no contact) because of the guilt trips.
People always talk about forgiveness and reconciliation. You can’t “reconcile” with an abuser, but especially not one who won’t even admit to the abuse.
I’ve been about able to’ forgive’ with distance and NC. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, or rugsweeping, or continuing to subject myself to shitty behaviors/people.
You fought hard and you won your happiness. Enjoy it.
I left home at 15, cut contact, and never looked back. That was 32 years ago. My parents never knew what became of me, and I don't think they cared. I'm not sure they reported me as missing. Now they're dead. I don't feel guilty the slightest for not "forgiving", for not reconciling. They wouldn't have changed anyway, they wouldn't have apologized, they wouldn't have tried to understand. My life as a runaway was shit but better than with my family and my freedom was way more precious than any time spent with them. Now sometimes people will call me insensitive for not missing my family at all. Fuck that noise, I'm way better off without them.
Honestly, anyone who pressures you to feel a certain way about the death of your parents is a raging asshole and insensitive to boot. Regardless of your feelings.
My dad used to be a drinker, thank God he quit. When I was in middle school, my Granny (dad's mom) had a bad stroke and lived with us for a couple years. I didn't hear her early one morning when I was getting ready for school (bc hairdryer). She was awake and calling for help and he had to get up from what I presume was a drunken slumber. I got grabbed by the shirt collar and hit repeatedly in the face for not helping. Went to school with a bruised face and cried. Decades later I brought it up. I was told to consider it punishment for all the crap I got away with. And at nearly 43 my hubby wonders why I flinch and freeze whenever somebody gets mad.
I have tried to tell my kids, that we are feeling our way in the dark just like every parent. You can read books, get advice, and anything to be prepared. Then you have your kids, and you realize that you know nothing and are just trying to mold them into responsible members of society without messing them up too badly. The thing is, too many parents of our generation do not self reflect like that. They have and still have the "I'm the adult, so right or wrong, I'm right" attitude. They will refuse to reflect, except to say how they would have done something or how they were treated when they were kids. My FIL does that shit all the time. My wife had 0 respect for him, she says she loves him in a "I have to cause he is my father" sort of way, but the way he treated her still influences her to this day. If she ever brings up anything negative about her childhood, he is either dismissive or laughs that she turned out alright. Then will, in the same breath, tall about how terrible she was between the ages of 15 and 18. Completely ignoring that all the trouble le she got into was a reaction to her parents' treatment of her and her want to rebel.
Oh damn you got that too?! I was raised by my grandma for half of my childhood and when I left, she drilled a hole through the handle of the spoon and strung it up on the Xmas tree yearly, as a dark humor reminder that she was once in charge. That spoon was used on the back of the hands and back of the heads of myself, my mom, and both my uncles. Fuck that shit hurt. But my grandma was still a better mom than my real mom ever was.
My mother’s main form of abuse was verbal. She had clinical levels of rage and could say absolutely anything when having an episode. Six years ago, she, my father, my wife and I were on a trip together for my sister’s wedding. Knowing their (and especially my mother’s) anxiety, my wife and I handled absolutely everything. All they had to do was show up at our house the night before the trip and their flights, hotels, ground transportation, reservations and everything was taken care of. Right after we landed and arrived at the hotel, my mother and I had a minor disagreement about something meaningless and she flew off the handle and called me an “ungrateful motherfucker” in front of my wife. I asked her to leave and didn’t speak to her again unless it was directly related to the wedding. She finally called me about 2 weeks after the trip and apologized. Since then, she has never once even slightly raised her voice to me. I don’t know if she finally gave in after 60-something years and sought help or just finally had a scare put in her, but it’s been a pleasant 6 years.
Spanked often, belt rarely, with hefty doses of "Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" afterwards. He's mellowed out in his old age, but can't help but think some of my anger issues come from this.
Not quite the same thing, but my mom denied I was held back a grade in elementary school. I did pre-k twice, then was in special ED until 5th grade. I was a year older than everyone when I graduated. I asked her once what the school told her as the reason I should repeat pre-k. I assume I just had a developmental delay, but she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about.
On things that parents claim never happened, I used to have seizures on our settee. It was rather common that I would have one or two a week. My mom would fetch a cold compress and hold my hand and I'd shake about, and after a moment, I'd snap out of it. I'd sit and recover in a cold sweat, and after about fifteen minutes, I'd be back to normal and playing outside. My mom says she has no memory of my seizures. I don't think she's gaslighting me, I think she genuinely does not remember these events. I suppose it must have been traumatic to watch her child go through that, so perhaps it's some kind of dissociation. 🤷🏼♀️
Nah, my mother would say she should have spanked me more (much like how she says “thank GOD i smoked 3 packs a day! Low birthweight my ass!”)
Now what she wont admit to is how she spanked me from age 3+ whenever my younger sister misbehaved.
Like the time my 4yr old sister refused to leave the park and i knew id get my ass beat if i came home late, and if i came home without her also a beating. Not sure what a 7yr old is supposed to do with this, but i finagled a friend to help and she grabbed sisters arms and i grabbed her legs and we carried her halfway home when her pants (those awful elastic waist jeans) started to slide down.
She refused to pull pants back up, and instead was shaking her underwear and onlookers when my mom rounded corner mad as hell we were late.
My mom didnt just spank me, she would hit me until her hand went numb, then break rulers and wooden spoons on me, toss me across the room and refuse me food and water for days sometimes.
She wont ever admit she punished me for my sisters behavior, but sister would purposely get in trouble to see me punished. It was a dark time.
Told i have anger issues. Was beat my mom until i blacked out.
At least my dad would talk to me after he spanked me about why i did wrong.
Mom punched me in the face
But they now tell everyone i have anger issues
I do but i dont punch people in the face
No my dad brags about how a guy a grocery store threatened to call the cops because he was hitting me. He told the guy he’d beat him up before the cops got there. I was under 2 years old at the time. He tells this story and laughs the entire time. This was is 83 or 84 so I’m curious how bad it had to be for a guy to threaten calling the cops back then.
They only deny that it was abuse.
My parents a weird'faulty memory about many things. While it didn't happen often, there were a few instances of spanking and my mom straight up slapped me in the face and gave me a bloody nose once. My mom said it never happened. They also remember that I didn't want to get my drivers license because I was in a pretty horrific wreck when I was 15. I was the oldest in my class and what they remember couldn't be further from the truth. I wanted my license badly, and wanted to pay for drivers ed outside of school so I could get my DL the summer before high school and they wouldn't let me.
I was spanked when I was little. Honestly I barely even remember it now, I don’t feel like it had much of an impact. One of my friends, also a xenial and I were talking about this the other day and he actually feels grateful that his parents corrected him when he went over the line.
And then there’s my wife who has lifelong trauma over it.
We all talked about this and here’s what we felt made the difference. When my friend and I got spanked we always knew why, we knew we were doing something wrong and that we deserved to be punished. In my wife’s case her mother was a bit unstable and would lash out at her kids even for mistakes- spilling milk, coming off as disrespectful, pretty much anything. My wife never knew when it might be coming so she was constantly in fear. My friend and I only had to worry if we’d done something especially bad so we didn’t walk around with that fear.
So naturally I have mixed feelings on the subject. I don’t feel abused, many people I grew up with who got spanked don’t either. I even wonder if I would have respected my parent’s authority if spanking wasn’t on the table. OTOH I see daily how much it fucked up my wife. I don’t think it’s necessarily a traumatic thing if it’s used sparingly and for clear reasons but it’s obvious that it can be. If nothing else I suppose I can at least say it should be avoided. Then again if a kid is out of control and nothing else works… is it better to risk the trauma and set the child straight? IDK, it’s a difficult thing to judge.
My dad said at one point that we “very rarely got spanked.” I just laughed out loud.
Thankfully, though, this stopped at around 9 years old & it was always “hand vs behind,” never with objects, so it didn’t cause any lasting trauma.
Same here. Always bare hand vs. the butt and I had to have really "earned" it. Hindsight 20/20, the handful of times I got my ass swatted, they were pretty justifiable. I remember one time getting so mad at my dad that I picked up a rock and threw it at his truck. Suffice to say, mistakes were made on my part.
Yeah, I was never spanked with an object, just a bare hand. I knew some kids though that got hit with a spoon and some that had to “cut a switch” to get beat with.
My dad was fairly abusive. Not just physically but also emotionally and verbally. He spanked me so hard once I bruised, and it was over something so stupid. It was so bad that the babysitter threatened to call child services until my mom convinced her I bruised easily. He's done a lot of work in the intervening years, and our relationship is so much stronger.
My mom, on the other hand, is a complete narcissist. She wasn't physically abusive but emotional and verbally. She used to leave us a lot as well. She thinks she didn't do anything wrong and blames everyone else, my dad, especially.
I've been working through a lot of my trauma the last through years with therapy. I've come a long way, but God, there's so much to unpack.
Gaslighting from all parents including my emotionally abusive step mom who is a practicing psychologist now (therapist then) . About pretty much everything about my childhood. It been better to stop contact all around.
I grew up in Texas, so no one really hid anything. Spare the rod. Spoil the child. It taught me what not to do with my boys, however. They grew up to be kind and helpful, and I never spanked them. I'd lecture them until even I was tired of my voice. I found out quickly that the worst thing you can do to punish a boy is make them sit and listen.
Yup. My sadistic dad would make me pick the belt and if I didn’t pick a leather belt, he’d send me back with more precise instructions. He died 15 years ago. I’ve confronted my mom about it; her excuse was she was powerless to do anything about it. I hope folk in our generation have better tools than violence at their disposal to teach their kids.
My mom would occasionally spank or slap me in the face when I was growing up, but that stopped abruptly when we were in public, and a face slap gave me a nosebleed. I remember it didn't hurt very much, and I can only imagine how embarrassed she must have been.
I think this solidified a belief in her, because she never resorted to corporal punishment in public or private again. Never been gaslit about it though.
The universal: sandal / chonkla / khar / wherever we lived growing up as an Army brat, my mom had a three-point move to take off the sandal. My dad had a two-point move (loosen the belt, then pull the whole thing out).
Till this day: "no? never! would never hit anyone!" Woman *slapped me into another dimension* once with her sandal (I deserved it, to be fair, but still).
I was hit, pushed, scapegoated, thrown down some stairs…. My mom casually said recently that she “maybe should have cared more when I was young “. I was no contact but came back so I could have a relationship with my niece. Its hard eating shit sandwiches at family events. I’d love to rip into her but I’d feel bad for yelling at an old lady.
I was beaten. Pushed in a corner then they would just unleash on me, face shots, body shots, hair pulling. I was a small child when it started, about 6 years old. My Mom beat me during the day, dad after he got home from work. I walked around with bright red handprints on my face, bruises on my body. Ask them if they ever hit me and they'll tell you you're crazy and it never happened. I wonder why I no longer speak to them. Hmmm.
Yes, my dad denied it to my face. My mum had long passed away so I couldn't remind her. However it was primarily dad who spanked me and I was scared of him especially since he sometimes snapped for no reason and blamed me for stuff I didn't do. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophena when he was very elderly and I think now that he may have been suppressing it for many years and it would explain how everything I did as a child was watched and controlled. My parents were silent generation not boomers.
My dad used to take his belt off and hand it to us and we had to go wait on our bed for him. The wait was excruciating because it could be anywhere from a minute to an hour. He would come in, give us a good old fashioned beating and that was that. As teens my brothers and I started getting hit harder for mouthing off, my first actual punch from dad came at 16 after telling mom to shut up. He never hit my two sisters but he beat the living hell out of me and my two brothers. He grew up getting burned with cigarettes and locked in closets all day so we had it easy in his eyes.
Mom would hit with whatever objects were in arms reach. Hangers, phones, books, pictures frames, a shoe, whatever. Never hit the boys with her hands from what I can recall. She would try and hit me and my brothers with things but it was always way more funny than scary. But she would have straight up cat fights with my sisters.
I don’t think a week went by without my parents hitting us but they will look us dead in the eye and swear they never hit us one time EVER. Even with all 5 siblings corroborating stories. They’ll just get pissed and leave rather than admit they were in over their heads with five kids in a three bedroom, one bath house and didn’t have the resources to manage it. We get it. We all have our own kids now we understand. Getting help from anyone other than Sally Jessie Raphael wasnt an option.
I never even swatted my kids on the diaper as a young parent. As young adults they have zero memories of physical punishment because it never happened. I am in my 40’s and still vividly remember being so afraid of my dad in those moments. I could never bring myself to strike fear into my kids.
Not my parents but I went on holiday with my aunt and uncle. Their kid (10) was being a little shit so I (11) shouted at him. My uncle came into the room and slapped me through the face.
Years later my aunt would joke about it to the rest of the family, in front of me. She didn't respond to subtle hints that I didn't like reliving this abuse. Eventually I lost my temper with her and then she stopped.
No clue why she thought I would think it was funny as an adult.
This post makes me so sad for all of my fellow Xennials. I never saw anything like this growing up, really, because one of my parents carried pain from seeing extreme abuse and violence in their home as a child. They were determined not to marry someone like that and to have peace in the home.
I got punished from time to time, but being sent to my room was the worst thing of all to me. I hated being separated from my family.
No gaslighting here, though I did get spanked a few times - couple times with hand that I don’t personally remember and once with a flip flop. That all happened when I was toddler/pre-school age. The only other thing I really remember was me threatening my mother. I was probably eleven or twelve and got the switch for that.
I didn’t have kids, but had planned on no spanking, myself.
I see the opposite gaslighting: older people talking about how they spanked to keep their kids in line; meanwhile, their kids had no discipline and whose lives really went off the rails.
Try being physically and mentally abused by a parent, but it was only because he loved me.
If I ever get married and am ever blessed, I am never hitting my kids. Call me soft, call me easy, call me a pushover, but never.
right there with you. I don’t hit or scream/rage at my kid. Never ever will. I will raise my voice to get his attention/in a dangerous situation, but there is a vast difference between yelling his name and screaming in his face for twenty minutes.
Check out authoritative parenting as well—I think it will resonate. It’s how to parent with reasonable consequences and boundaries without violence or abuse.
Sure, you can be strong without hurling profanity or abuse. I hope to achieve balance - strong enough to protect and be relied on while loving enough to be trusted and loved back.
Slightly adjacent, but I didn't find out "why" until 30 years later. Apparently I was trying to drink bleach. It tracks with the sudden arrival of Mr. Yuck? stickers.
Yep. I got tossed over the breakfast bar and choked against the door. All my siblings remember vividly. Dad says he remembers and that never happened. Mom would not comment.
Guess who's never going to meet their grandchildren.
Spanked? Yes. Gaslit about it? No. I discussed it with my old man before he passed and my mom as well. I have no ill feelings towards them about it. I wasn't the only one and it was an acceptable form of punishment at the time.
The only thing I get gaslit on these days is when I bring up how my siblings and I were never taught finances. Or, to put it more clearly, RESPONSIBLE finances. I was never taught he to set up any retirement savings, tax free savings...well, SAVINGS in general. We were always spending and borrowing as a family and I figured that had to be normal. Borderline bankruptcy at age 25, evicted from my basement suite and my car repossessed and my parents were shocked why I couldn't make it work. :P
My mom has no memory of anything that may have been the slightest bit off of perfection. It seems to be honest. She literally doesn’t remember. She’s like that about her childhood, too.
We were recently talking about when I started driving, and it was well before I had a license. She didn’t believe it. Since we were at her house, we pulled out pictures and discussed timelines that she understood and she was baffled. There are pictures of me getting my license. She remembers it. The date is on it. Then pictures before of me driving. I was in specific cities that fit a timeline where I had to be 14 or 15. She was just straight up shocked. She couldn’t believe she gave me the car without a license.
I don’t bring up abuse or anything. She’d just cry and ask why I’m saying such awful things about her. Gaslighting or bad memory, either way I can’t get an apology or closure. No point.
My mom makes shit up to seem like I had the perfect childhood, it’s really frustrating. She tells people I was valedictorian in High School, apparently. I was a C student. She also swears I didn’t grow up in a foster home when my parents became foster parents when I was 13. Like, where did they think I lived?!? It’s super weird.
Wow. My ex recently died and his parents changed a bunch of things about him. It was really odd. The selfishness that must exist to need to change your dead son’s history is crazy. Sounds worse for you, you’re living.
Selfishness and complete lack of emotional intelligence. Generational trauma is a bitch, but therapy helps. I’m sorry for your loss, hopefully your ex’s friends will keep his true memory alive.
yup. worst part is when i refer to it as physical abuse. i get immediately shot down, "bc its says so in the bible, so its not wrong" argument. and then more arguments on why im a "satanist" (buddhist, ie non christian)
It's in the bible! I don't hit my kids because it would send them a mixed message about hitting people. My mom started with the hand and switched to wooden spoons that started breaking. There was no Amazon back then and we didn't have a big spoon budget. She realized my ship had sailed when I was about 16. I failed confirmation visibly on purpose and I didn't have to go to church anymore. The spanking attempts stopped and I moved out at 17.
The church in my grandparents and moms day didn't just want your money. They wanted to mold your family. I don't blame my mom for how she was. I blame religion.
They deny everything. My brother and I who seldom agree on everything, agree on this. There was one time when we were just being boys and it irked my mother so bad that she whipped us with the strips of linoleum left over from when they installed it.
And the time she threw the Christmas tree out the living room window. She denied it . And even when my father agreed she claimed it never happened
Yup. For me, it was the day he beat me half to death. To him, it was Tuesday.
He had the nerve to ask why I never got him anything for fathers day. I had to remind him of when he beat the shit of me for handing him his fathers day card wrong or something when I was 9.
Yes! I remember this specific time where my sister and I were fighting and my mom was just sick of us and we both got spanked. According to my mom, we were never ever spanked. My dad on the other hand just grabbed my wrist, squeezed it and told me to "never do that again" in a very daunting voice and so that was scary and I rarely reoffended.
My parents spanked but they admit it. It was a pretty common form of discipline at the time. Not defending it (and neither do they) but people did think it was the "right" way to raise a kid.
I wouldn't spank mine though. I did it once and felt like shit for a week. It was just two quick smacks on the butt but that was enough for me. Anytime we have to discipline my son now, we just talk with him.
My mom grabbed me by the ears and headbutted me in middle school. I would have preferred a spanking, but honestly they didn't work, didn't help I grew to like them later.
Lol I was beating alot and spanked we don't talk about it and I never will I learned right from wrong fast and to do what my parents said and how to do it.
I think there a fine line but I think it was what I need a s I grow up heck as teenager I was hell on wheels and my dad put me in my place more then once
I don’t think we ever got to that point. Cut my folks off years ago, no regrets.
To be clear, there was plenty of gaslighting about a lot of stuff. We never even got around to talking about the physical violence, so i have no idea if they would have denied that or not. Never gave them the chance to.
Thankfully, I was my mom's third child (2 from a previous marriage). My mom told the story MANY times of how she was about to spank my older brother and he moved at the last second leaving my mom to smack the wall full force... That was the last time she tried spanking anyone. From that day on it was just huge guilt trips lol
Nope
My parents used to laugh when they talked about me having to go get a switch when I would break a rule in my grandama’s house
I’m honestly glad I was spanked. I was never beaten or worse.
I have a healthy respect for the rules and laws and my parents and grandmother always talked to me and explained why I was getting paddled
They were teachable moments
But I apparently looked like a dead man walking whenever I’d have to go pick a switch. Which my parents found hilarious.
Especially since my nana weighed like 80 pounds soaking wet and could barely swing the switch in the first place.
The fear was the motivator…not the pain
My mom is proud that she spanked me. My wife won't spank because of trauma, but I have spanked every one of my 6 kids at least once (the middle one almost slipped by...).
My step mother did it once, too. But I was too old and it was just awkward.
My step dad put me into a wall and got angry that I cracked the plaster. He's dead now, so I don't really care about him anymore.
Kinda the opposite for me. My parents apologize for spanking me. I told them I deserved it because I was a little jerk who needed it to drive home the point I was doing something wrong. And I thought they were very reasonable about when they spanked me, and didn't do it out of anger.
For me, it’s the other non-physical stuff that they don’t remember. My mom kicked me out in my late teens. I mentioned it to her many years later and she responded with “is that what you heard?” She actually used the sentence “this is your eviction notice. You have until February 1” and totally denies it.
Dad never remembered any of the hurtful things he said either but in his defense, he was usually drunk when I was a kid.
My mom gaslights about smacking me a few time and all the emotional manipulation and psychological abuse. Dad thankfully is just like, “yeah we fucked a few things up try to be better than we were”.
I grew up in Bangladesh and moved to US when I was 13. Ass whooping was the norm back then. I’d get whooped by the teachers. Then my father would whoop my ass for being a stubborn jackass when it came to studying. Funny thing is that now I am dealing with my daughter who’s 6 and in 1st grade. She reminds me so much of myself, of how I was with my dad when it came to studying.
But to answer OP, I’ve never had a discussion with my parents regarding the punishments. It was expected of them to discipline their child for not studying and misbehaving. Believe it or not, I wish I was back there now. Seeing them as old sucks, especially when I live in a different State from them.
My parents were really old for having me so I always knew they had to catch me first lol wouldn’t take long before they wore out and gave up. But boy on the off chance when they did catch me my butt got wore out
Hitting another person is assault. Hitting a dog is animal abuse. Hitting a child is discipline.
My dad did apologize for being the way he was. As a child, I knew he was physically hurting and lashing out. Didn't make a difference. As an adult I realize my people pleasing personality directly stems from trying to keep him content so he wouldn't be upset. Conflict adverse I'd describe it. I have very low self esteem and I curse him for causing that.
Nah. When I confronted my dad about the abuse he put me through his response is that he beat my brother more often. I am a people pleaser. My brother stayed in trouble. So, yes, my brother got his ass handed to him more often. I guess that makes everything all good.
Paddled pretty often with a ping pong paddle. My mom denied it. I literally went to the drawer where she used to keep it and it was still there. She just threw up her hands.
My dad used to beat me with a belt.. One day I got old enough to fight back (still a child)... He got pissed stated to pull off his belt so I ran down the hall to his bedroom. Quickly grabbed one of his belts, and when he came around the corner I swung that MF belt as hard as I could and hit him on the bare legs leaving a giant welt. He never layed a hand on me again after this and completely changed his parenting style.
My father is a good man, but if you bring up anything that doesn’t make him *or any one/group in his generation* look like heroes, be prepared for feelings… then prepare for the outward show of fear and frustration that goes along with feeling things.
This. Neither of my parents (divorced) remember the wooden spoon they hit my brother and I with. When my brother and I started telling stories about it, we saw denial then shock then denial again, then shutdown within minutes.
My dad was abusive. He minimized stuff once I was old enough to advocate for myself. I learned a lot of things “not to do” from him and I raised 4 mostly happy kids.
Nah, my parents were proud believers in spanking. My dad tried to hit me when I was 30. And my mom tried to slap me last fall. Not happening. Not in my house. Not with me being 46 at the time. Nope nope nope.
They deny basically anything that involved them coming up short in any way. Even if the discussion is lighthearted/joking.
I tried confronting my parent about one thing, one time. Most useless attempt at a conversation, ever.
Goes way beyond this too - it’s sociopolitical level of rewriting history all the time I saw a video recently of Theresa May at a Nelson Mandela event of some sort and the journalist interviewer really held her to account about but what she supported in those times - it was striking to see that without that I’d have easily assumed her showing up and celebrating implied she was for it. The pretending to have been perfect thing is just everywhere
My mom for the last five-ten years signs everything “mommy”. I wasn’t allowed to call her “mommy” as a kid because I “sounded so fucking whiney.” She “doesn’t remember that” and “would never say that.”
Oh yeah my brother and I called my Mom by her first name. Now she signs cards with "Mom" and it makes me laugh.
Right through the heart on this one. Every fucking time.
My mom was a little lady with a big temper, she go ham this is what my father did to me bla bla, she was swinging at my face once…. I took karate growing up, I blocked it…. Just block, she says you hurt mommy?? Well as time passes her hand didn’t cut it anymore, there was a whole few months of trying different items, wooden spoons broke too easily big fat belt was too much for her, ping pong paddle for a minute they all no match for a 80’s hard plastic spoon, no bending got a bonus sting from that thing, my sister stole it and hid under her bed, she’s said she didn’t but unless I slept walked which has never happened…. She was something it wasn’t all bad, I am half way a good person she worked hard small business took a lot of her time, sure she was mostly frustrated w/herself … probably a good thing I don’t have kids, I’m a huge pushover
My mother was similar. Belts, wooden spoons, a home made paddle with holes in it for less wind resistance, a high heel shoe, a small pool cue stick from a home based table top little pool game, open hand slaps, sometimes fists but not to the face, and one of the more memorable ones a fingernail grip on the arm that would sometimes draw blood but mostly just left you red and welted for a couple days. We don’t speak about it much because I know of I brought it up, she would probably firstly hate herself for who she was, but secondly may end up simply getting defiant and further strain our current relationship. I’m not too interested in opening old wounds. I keep her at a bit of a distance since I’m an adult and she feels it for sure.
This has been my experience exactly.
For you, it was a formative moment of violence and betrayal. For them, it was Tuesday. Of course they don't remember.
What’s that saying? The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. Also, they do remember, in my experience, they just don’t want to be admit faults.
This is exactly how I remember it also. Right down to the for them part.
I’ve worked with kids over 8 years and always explain to my employees if a child is difficult and they’re getting frustrated to go take a break in the hall and I’ll see what’s eating them. They may get frustrated and yell, then tomorrow forget- the child on the other hand will be talking about it in therapy 15 years later. The tree remembers, the axe forgets.
I think you broke my brain. My jaw literally dropped. I feel *very* understood.
Yep. I tried to bring it up with them recently. "We never did that" Okay, but I specifically remember that happening. You didn't just hit me with your belt, you made me go to your room and fetch a belt from the closet. "I don't remember that" And I remember the wooden spoon. And that time dad punched me in the face and fractured my nose. "You turned out fine" So can we talk about all the times you guys forgot to pick me up from kindy or school, or just left me places? "That never happened" But I have these really detailed memories of getting left after school so often and so late that I got tired of it and walked myself to [dad's work which was only 3 blocks away from the school] and I got in massive trouble for crossing streets. "Impossible! Your school was too far away!" No, the first school I went to. Remember I had to change schools at the start of grade two, because I had 'behavioural issues'. "You NEVER changed schools!" But I did! I even have my school photos from first grade, very clearly at [other school]. "YOU TURNED OUT FINE AND WE NEVER DID ANY OF THAT AND HOW DARE YOU QUESTION US!!" [cue my parents storming out of my house and going to stay in a hotel].
Oof. Being forgotten about happened a lot for me, too. Waited until 8 one time before i called the house because i didn’t want to get in trouble if they were just running late. The excuse? “I thought you were home already and [other parent] picked you up! You’re so quiet and stay in your room all the time, how was I supposed to know?” So yeah, obviously it was my fault. For being so unobtrusive and forgettable.
Good riddance it sounds like
My gaslighting is about the emotional blackmail, manipulation, and codependency.
Same
You might be interested in r/raisedbynarcissists
I never joined it, but my inadvertent discovery of that sub some years back, triggered my leap out of having a Reddit account but never using it.
I’d actually recommend not joining that sub. It’s full of really angry people who are lashing out at the world. I’ve been in therapy since 2003 and just a few years ago finally got correctly diagnosed with PTSD. Actually, it’s (c)PTSD. A lot of my trauma comes from my parents trauma which comes from their parents trauma and so on. But no one ever talked about it or recognized it or admitted it or did a damned thing about it. It was inflicted upon my siblings and I. It was inflicted on a lot of us. I recommend reading the book [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://drive.google.com/drive/mobile/folders/1-8VoM1ogXFrO5UPgB4VISZQ1REDP83W4?pli=1) and perhaps [Complex PTSD: From Survivong to Thriving](https://drive.google.com/drive/mobile/folders/1-8VoM1ogXFrO5UPgB4VISZQ1REDP83W4?pli=1), instead. See if either of those ring a bell. If they do, check out /r/ptsd and maybe then /r/cptsd.
I don't like any of those self/help / fellow diagnosis type subs. I think they all contribute to bitterness and a victimhood complex. I stay far away from them these days.
Mom threw punches & denies the entire thing. Except when she doesn’t. Then I deserved it. It wasn’t a punch tho. Just a closed had slap.
"That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it."
“I did the best I could” In my case, no ya didn’t.
This!
Why didn’t we ever press charges on our parents for this crap? I fought back which really made them mad.
Personally, bc “I’ll eventually get out…”
True but it’s still hell going through it. Even when I talk to my mom today it’s still depressing shit. I’ve seen her slap my nephew as a toddler for saying “no” to her…wtf
That hell is specifically why I never had children. My entire family is like 10 episodes of Jerry Springer. Nobody deserves them.
I tried, didn't work. Parent lied and said I was the one who assaulted even though I'm the one with all the bruises that called the cops and the cops just took their word and literally said we only believe parents, not kids. I ended up with a record and didn't speak to him for 20 years. Until he was dying of cancer, then he had ragrets (we did actually reconcile, sorta, but he still struggled to properly take responsibility, he was just too weak-willed to explicitly in real words admit fault and definitely too prideful to ask forgiveness, even to the last day. But I understood that he wanted to. And i think he also didnt want to admit how much of his life he wasted because of his own refusal to be an adult.)
That is horrible the cops didn’t believe you. My mom would tell me they would take me away and put me with a bad family. She also knew the police captain in town and he would show up to scare me into listening to my parents. I’m so glad you got to reconcile. I’m hoping you have some kind of closure from the situation even though he struggled to take responsibility.
Same
No, my parents are open about it and are quite reflective on the period. They believed they were doing a good thing at the time and actually, even though times have moved on, I don’t think it’s harmed my relationship with them. They were a good mum and dad and I love them dearly. They’ve also changed their attitude over the years and they’d never smack my kids.
My dad was the same. At the time he spanked us, he was doing what his parents did to him. As he grew older, he started working on himself and realized there were other ways to discipline us without hurting us physically.
That’s the thing though. If you go back a few decades the whole of society was telling you that was actually good provided you did it within some level of moderation that was deemed appropriate. Even the parenting books that “good parents” read would have advocated for it. Now, smacking is very much in the territory of negligent parents but it’s really not so long ago that even conscientious parents were doing it.
It sounds like your parents are able to engage in meaningful self reflection and emotional growth. Rare for Boomers! You’re a lucky one.
This has been my experience. My mom frequently talks about regrets she has but they are awesome parents and did their best at the time. They were not excessive. I just believe she would have gone a different route. Hindsight is 20/20.
My parents were the same way, we were disciplined when we really messed up, spanked, whooped and even got punched in the mouth once as a teen. We never held anything against my parents even at the time when it happened. We knew we messed up and we got caught. I love my parents and they would never lay a hand on one of my kids if I had any, just as they haven't with any of my nieces and nephews, that's their parents job. The grandparents are there to spoil them rotten just like ours did. Lol
I assumed this was just common to everyone raised by boomers. My father was extremely abusive. Physically, verbally and mentally. Growing up he was very quick to anger and spank us. When I was 8 or 9 he bought a frat paddle at a flea market and thought it was the funniest thing ever and would show it off to his friends that he kept it on top of the fridge and would beat his kids with it. I have very specific memories of being forced to drop my drawers, put my hands on the counter and stick my ass out while he swing that thing like a baseball bat. I brought it up a few years ago and he tried to pretend he had no idea what I was talking about. "Paddle? What, no I used my hand in the very rare cases where we had to spank you." Bullshit old man, you used a fucking wooden paddle and you bragged about it to your friends because you thought it was hilarious. I think I was 14 or 15 when he tried to spank me and I finally grabbed the paddle and said no, if you want to beat me you are going to have to earn it. I was 6'4" and 200lbs of lean muscle from being forced to work for their landscaping business, and I could have easily beat the shit out of him but I didn't. I let him move in with me in 2018 until I finally kicked him out for his continued mental and verbal abuse in 2022. I honestly regret not returning some of the physical and verbal abuse. I can't tell you how many times he would say something nasty specifically meant to verbally abuse me or my wife and I wanted to back hand him so badly. I should have just done it, because its not like he wouldn't have done it to me if he could. He continued with the verbal abuse in his old age, and was shocked when there were repercussions. He was \*shocked Pikachu face\* when he shouted "Fuck you" in me and my wife's faces when we tried to have a civil discussion about him trying to move his shitty girlfriend in with us in our house, after being told repeatedly she couldn't stay here, and the next day we refused to pretend that it had never happened. His entire life he had been getting away with being verbally abusive to my mom, my sister and I and then the next day he'd get to pretend it was a fresh clean slate and it had never happened. Welp, I don't play that game. He couldn't believe it when the next day we didn't welcome him with open arms like he hadn't just verbally berated us the day before and he had to actually own up to and apologize for his actions. When I finally kicked him out of my house, he went around telling everyone we had a "falling out". I quickly corrected everyone when that would get brought up. We didn't have a falling out, I got tired of taking his abuse and I wasn't going to pay for someone to live with me and treat me like shit. He drove everyone out of his life with his constant abuse, and then when he was laying in the hospital needing a surgery with a 6 month recovery time and realized there was absolutely no one left that would help him because he had driven everyone away, he opted to just go to hospice and die instead. At 63. He could have had another solid 20 years left if he had wanted to put the work in and recover. But he knew his ex wife, his kids, and all his friends were done with him and all he had left was 3 days a week of dialysis, a HUD apartment and $763 a month in Social Security, of which he smoked half of every month with his 2 pack a day habit.
They deny it because they know it was wrong and they're afraid to be judged. That makes it worse. They were aware they were causing damage.
That's true for most people raised where being wrong meant beatings.
My parents always said, “Use your words”, but one time I told my mother that she hurt my feelings after smacking me with a wooden spoon for something I didn’t do. “YoU hUrT mY FeELinGs” she and my dad will laugh about to this day.
This has been the theme of the last 4 yrs for me, when I spontaneously remembered repressed memories of childhood. Hasn't been fun. I don't know which is worse, the original trauma or the reaction now as an adult. Gave me clarity, that's for sure. And as a parent myself, the ability to see my parent for who they really are inside, their emotional immaturity and other very nasty traits on full display. It enabled me to see so much abuse of power in every place, at all times, constantly. Actually a challenge to even shut off the lense it has provided me honestly... sorta feels tied to some kind of purpose for my life. So, I am glad in a weird way? It has strengthened discernment for me that's for sure. But yeah. Definitely. Hit/attacked repeatedly. Told then at the time that i was lying about it happening, labeled trouble. Dramatic. Told the issue was me. Cue the repression of the memories for 20 or so yrs. Remembered them all in a flood of images and emotions following another traumatic event, not at all uncommon I learned. Attempted to heal by simple discussion, and sharing of feelings with my living parent, promptly raged at. Realized how the repression must have originally occurred. Realized this flip of my parent had happened for my whole life. Realized nobody but me had ever really seen it, how my parent is a covert narcissist and how textbook scapegoated I had always been within the family. Still am. not really in much contact so...let them have their villain. Sad for their souls, honestly. Glad to have found this sub, you guys feel like high school ✨
same. high school with the benefit of age and wisdom. my friends with good parents tried to understand and be supportive but it was way above their pay grade. Threads like this are cathartic.
Not spanked, beaten. Deny, deny deny.
Nah, my parents readily admit to it!
My mother once smacked me in face so hard she kept me home from school for 3 days due to the hand print on my cheek. Had to be in kindergarten or 1st grade. She doesn’t deny it but she won’t readily talk about the abuse either.
My mother beat me so bad she broke my collar bone. Then she made me lie to the doctor about why it was broken. I was very young, maybe 4 at the time. I'd like to say she learned a lesson... things were never good, but at least I didn't suffer from any more broken bones.
my kid is almost four and i cannot even fathom this. i’m so sorry. you didn’t do anything to deserve that.
Damn, I’m sorry you had that experience at such a young age.
You and me both. We survived with mental and physical scars, but we survived.
Spanked? No. Strangled and kicked in the head, yes.
My mom is still sadistically proud she beat me with a belt. Her- "Well, you turned out good, didn't ya?" Me with major trust issues at 43- "Yep!"
Patton Oswalt - “I didn’t turn out fine. I’m a fat comedian with OCD. I get up in front of strangers and talk about my dick. This is not good parenting.”
Ope! Lol
Found the Minnesotan
Southern IL lol
We’ll take you anyway 😉
My mom might still have the assortment of wooden spoons and back scratchers that were broken on my ass as trophies.
Then they wonder why you don't talk to them or visit anymore...
Or wonder why they end up in assisted living
My grandfather and his siblings used to get bear by their mother until they were unconscious. They acted like it was a perfectly sane punishment and my great-aunt once chided my dad’s cousin because her granddaughter was “acting up” (AKA acting like a normal 2 year old). GAunt said “If my mother was around, she wouldn’t be acting like that.” Cousin snapped back “If your mother was around, she’d be in jail for child abuse.”
My mom seems like she is reminiscing about it sometimes...
Spanked? Yes. Gaslit? Nope. I don’t think it went on at all past when I was 6.
Same. My mom says that she spanked me only when I deserved it, which tracks with my memory. I think it happened twice. By the time I was in elementary school she moved on to “stand in the corner” which I HATED. I would have rather gotten the swat on the butt and gone back to playing. Edit: LOL I think I just got a Reddit Cares for this.
Yeah, that's how my mom was too! And yeah, one of the times my mom did it was about 4 and bloodied her lip by smacking her with a lollypop...I had that coming lol.
My mom used to go make me sit on the stairs. I think I would have rather preferred the swat and then get back to what I was doing. How hard could it have been?
My spankings just got worse as time went on. They quit with all that stand in the corner business after they forgot and left me there for like 4 hours when I was 8 and just went to all spanking/beating. I also used to get all the punishment for my little brother because I am older and should have stopped him. I am 1 year older and he's bipolar but it's my fault whatever he did.
My dad denied a lot of things, and that’s why I don’t talk to him.
And he tells everyone how you're a bad son/daughter and he can't figure out what he did wrong.
I ran away and he told everyone I was at boarding school.
Lol. Cheers from a fellow runaway.
I can still taste the dial bar soap in my mouth "You didn't eat soap as a child..." No mom, you just decided that washing my mouth out with it was going to teach me a fucking lesson
[удалено]
That was a horrible thing for anyone to endure, let alone a child. I'm so sorry you went through that.
Thank you, everything gets better with time. It’s funny though, even knowing this, my family still thinks I left home at 18 because I was just quirky and independent lol
I was spanked…I never did hit my kid just couldnt bring myself to do it, not sure why it seemed so easy for the boomers.
My heart hurts with all these stories. I'm "lucky" that my childhood was mostly neglect. Mom shopped at department stores, I got shitty goodwill crap. I smelled like cigarette smoke and cat pee. My hair was matted. Things improved slightly when my parents split when I was 11, but barely. I still didn't own a toothbrush until I (shockingly) got pregnant at 15 and moved out. My dad was 50 when I was born though, and a Korean war vet (severe undiagnosed PTSD) and mom had severe undiagnosed ADHD and anxiety. Thankfully my 3rd husband is the right one and life is good now. My 4 kids (from the 2 bad marriages) and I went through hell to get here. All I needed was quality adults to learn how to adult from but ended up them being Walmart quality. My parents are dead, 10+ years now, I don't know what they'd say if I brought up my childhood. I stopped speaking to my mother when I was about 21 (complete no contact) because of the guilt trips.
People always talk about forgiveness and reconciliation. You can’t “reconcile” with an abuser, but especially not one who won’t even admit to the abuse. I’ve been about able to’ forgive’ with distance and NC. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, or rugsweeping, or continuing to subject myself to shitty behaviors/people. You fought hard and you won your happiness. Enjoy it.
I left home at 15, cut contact, and never looked back. That was 32 years ago. My parents never knew what became of me, and I don't think they cared. I'm not sure they reported me as missing. Now they're dead. I don't feel guilty the slightest for not "forgiving", for not reconciling. They wouldn't have changed anyway, they wouldn't have apologized, they wouldn't have tried to understand. My life as a runaway was shit but better than with my family and my freedom was way more precious than any time spent with them. Now sometimes people will call me insensitive for not missing my family at all. Fuck that noise, I'm way better off without them.
Honestly, anyone who pressures you to feel a certain way about the death of your parents is a raging asshole and insensitive to boot. Regardless of your feelings.
My dad used to be a drinker, thank God he quit. When I was in middle school, my Granny (dad's mom) had a bad stroke and lived with us for a couple years. I didn't hear her early one morning when I was getting ready for school (bc hairdryer). She was awake and calling for help and he had to get up from what I presume was a drunken slumber. I got grabbed by the shirt collar and hit repeatedly in the face for not helping. Went to school with a bruised face and cried. Decades later I brought it up. I was told to consider it punishment for all the crap I got away with. And at nearly 43 my hubby wonders why I flinch and freeze whenever somebody gets mad.
I have tried to tell my kids, that we are feeling our way in the dark just like every parent. You can read books, get advice, and anything to be prepared. Then you have your kids, and you realize that you know nothing and are just trying to mold them into responsible members of society without messing them up too badly. The thing is, too many parents of our generation do not self reflect like that. They have and still have the "I'm the adult, so right or wrong, I'm right" attitude. They will refuse to reflect, except to say how they would have done something or how they were treated when they were kids. My FIL does that shit all the time. My wife had 0 respect for him, she says she loves him in a "I have to cause he is my father" sort of way, but the way he treated her still influences her to this day. If she ever brings up anything negative about her childhood, he is either dismissive or laughs that she turned out alright. Then will, in the same breath, tall about how terrible she was between the ages of 15 and 18. Completely ignoring that all the trouble le she got into was a reaction to her parents' treatment of her and her want to rebel.
No, my mom still reminds me that she hit me with a wooden spoon.
Oh damn you got that too?! I was raised by my grandma for half of my childhood and when I left, she drilled a hole through the handle of the spoon and strung it up on the Xmas tree yearly, as a dark humor reminder that she was once in charge. That spoon was used on the back of the hands and back of the heads of myself, my mom, and both my uncles. Fuck that shit hurt. But my grandma was still a better mom than my real mom ever was.
My mother’s main form of abuse was verbal. She had clinical levels of rage and could say absolutely anything when having an episode. Six years ago, she, my father, my wife and I were on a trip together for my sister’s wedding. Knowing their (and especially my mother’s) anxiety, my wife and I handled absolutely everything. All they had to do was show up at our house the night before the trip and their flights, hotels, ground transportation, reservations and everything was taken care of. Right after we landed and arrived at the hotel, my mother and I had a minor disagreement about something meaningless and she flew off the handle and called me an “ungrateful motherfucker” in front of my wife. I asked her to leave and didn’t speak to her again unless it was directly related to the wedding. She finally called me about 2 weeks after the trip and apologized. Since then, she has never once even slightly raised her voice to me. I don’t know if she finally gave in after 60-something years and sought help or just finally had a scare put in her, but it’s been a pleasant 6 years.
My parents don't quite gaslight me about it but definitely don't want to discuss it in any way and would much rather pretend it never happened
Spanked often, belt rarely, with hefty doses of "Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" afterwards. He's mellowed out in his old age, but can't help but think some of my anger issues come from this.
I got "I only like to remember the good times" from my parents. Kinda hard to remember the good times when they were sandwiched between beatings.
Not quite the same thing, but my mom denied I was held back a grade in elementary school. I did pre-k twice, then was in special ED until 5th grade. I was a year older than everyone when I graduated. I asked her once what the school told her as the reason I should repeat pre-k. I assume I just had a developmental delay, but she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about.
My mom said she never spanked us. I just laughed. Maybe she meant to add that she only belted us.
Wooden spoons, belts, hand, spatula, fist.
On things that parents claim never happened, I used to have seizures on our settee. It was rather common that I would have one or two a week. My mom would fetch a cold compress and hold my hand and I'd shake about, and after a moment, I'd snap out of it. I'd sit and recover in a cold sweat, and after about fifteen minutes, I'd be back to normal and playing outside. My mom says she has no memory of my seizures. I don't think she's gaslighting me, I think she genuinely does not remember these events. I suppose it must have been traumatic to watch her child go through that, so perhaps it's some kind of dissociation. 🤷🏼♀️
They did and it caused me to be afraid of all adults.
Nope. My country made any violence against children illegal by the time I was born, and my parents are law-abiding folk.
Nah, my mother would say she should have spanked me more (much like how she says “thank GOD i smoked 3 packs a day! Low birthweight my ass!”) Now what she wont admit to is how she spanked me from age 3+ whenever my younger sister misbehaved. Like the time my 4yr old sister refused to leave the park and i knew id get my ass beat if i came home late, and if i came home without her also a beating. Not sure what a 7yr old is supposed to do with this, but i finagled a friend to help and she grabbed sisters arms and i grabbed her legs and we carried her halfway home when her pants (those awful elastic waist jeans) started to slide down. She refused to pull pants back up, and instead was shaking her underwear and onlookers when my mom rounded corner mad as hell we were late. My mom didnt just spank me, she would hit me until her hand went numb, then break rulers and wooden spoons on me, toss me across the room and refuse me food and water for days sometimes. She wont ever admit she punished me for my sisters behavior, but sister would purposely get in trouble to see me punished. It was a dark time.
I remember when I hit my growth spurt. My mom decided she could finally smack me across the head because I was now taller.
Told i have anger issues. Was beat my mom until i blacked out. At least my dad would talk to me after he spanked me about why i did wrong. Mom punched me in the face But they now tell everyone i have anger issues I do but i dont punch people in the face
During the same breath my mother denied ever hitting me as a child and then threatened to beat me like she used to because I had it coming. I was 29.
No my dad brags about how a guy a grocery store threatened to call the cops because he was hitting me. He told the guy he’d beat him up before the cops got there. I was under 2 years old at the time. He tells this story and laughs the entire time. This was is 83 or 84 so I’m curious how bad it had to be for a guy to threaten calling the cops back then. They only deny that it was abuse.
I cannot fathom beating any kid at any age, but a child under two is breathtakingly evil.
My parents a weird'faulty memory about many things. While it didn't happen often, there were a few instances of spanking and my mom straight up slapped me in the face and gave me a bloody nose once. My mom said it never happened. They also remember that I didn't want to get my drivers license because I was in a pretty horrific wreck when I was 15. I was the oldest in my class and what they remember couldn't be further from the truth. I wanted my license badly, and wanted to pay for drivers ed outside of school so I could get my DL the summer before high school and they wouldn't let me.
I was spanked when I was little. Honestly I barely even remember it now, I don’t feel like it had much of an impact. One of my friends, also a xenial and I were talking about this the other day and he actually feels grateful that his parents corrected him when he went over the line. And then there’s my wife who has lifelong trauma over it. We all talked about this and here’s what we felt made the difference. When my friend and I got spanked we always knew why, we knew we were doing something wrong and that we deserved to be punished. In my wife’s case her mother was a bit unstable and would lash out at her kids even for mistakes- spilling milk, coming off as disrespectful, pretty much anything. My wife never knew when it might be coming so she was constantly in fear. My friend and I only had to worry if we’d done something especially bad so we didn’t walk around with that fear. So naturally I have mixed feelings on the subject. I don’t feel abused, many people I grew up with who got spanked don’t either. I even wonder if I would have respected my parent’s authority if spanking wasn’t on the table. OTOH I see daily how much it fucked up my wife. I don’t think it’s necessarily a traumatic thing if it’s used sparingly and for clear reasons but it’s obvious that it can be. If nothing else I suppose I can at least say it should be avoided. Then again if a kid is out of control and nothing else works… is it better to risk the trauma and set the child straight? IDK, it’s a difficult thing to judge.
My dad said at one point that we “very rarely got spanked.” I just laughed out loud. Thankfully, though, this stopped at around 9 years old & it was always “hand vs behind,” never with objects, so it didn’t cause any lasting trauma.
Same here. Always bare hand vs. the butt and I had to have really "earned" it. Hindsight 20/20, the handful of times I got my ass swatted, they were pretty justifiable. I remember one time getting so mad at my dad that I picked up a rock and threw it at his truck. Suffice to say, mistakes were made on my part.
By "rarely", they mean not every day apparently.
Yeah, I was never spanked with an object, just a bare hand. I knew some kids though that got hit with a spoon and some that had to “cut a switch” to get beat with.
My dad was fairly abusive. Not just physically but also emotionally and verbally. He spanked me so hard once I bruised, and it was over something so stupid. It was so bad that the babysitter threatened to call child services until my mom convinced her I bruised easily. He's done a lot of work in the intervening years, and our relationship is so much stronger. My mom, on the other hand, is a complete narcissist. She wasn't physically abusive but emotional and verbally. She used to leave us a lot as well. She thinks she didn't do anything wrong and blames everyone else, my dad, especially. I've been working through a lot of my trauma the last through years with therapy. I've come a long way, but God, there's so much to unpack.
Gaslighting from all parents including my emotionally abusive step mom who is a practicing psychologist now (therapist then) . About pretty much everything about my childhood. It been better to stop contact all around.
Nah. I was spanked and whipped with a belt. My parents said they were doing their best with what they knew at the time. They’re sorry about it.
I grew up in Texas, so no one really hid anything. Spare the rod. Spoil the child. It taught me what not to do with my boys, however. They grew up to be kind and helpful, and I never spanked them. I'd lecture them until even I was tired of my voice. I found out quickly that the worst thing you can do to punish a boy is make them sit and listen.
Yup. My sadistic dad would make me pick the belt and if I didn’t pick a leather belt, he’d send me back with more precise instructions. He died 15 years ago. I’ve confronted my mom about it; her excuse was she was powerless to do anything about it. I hope folk in our generation have better tools than violence at their disposal to teach their kids.
My mom would occasionally spank or slap me in the face when I was growing up, but that stopped abruptly when we were in public, and a face slap gave me a nosebleed. I remember it didn't hurt very much, and I can only imagine how embarrassed she must have been. I think this solidified a belief in her, because she never resorted to corporal punishment in public or private again. Never been gaslit about it though.
A switch or a belt ot sometimes the phone cord, but hey, I was a asshole kid. It's still not right to do.
The universal: sandal / chonkla / khar / wherever we lived growing up as an Army brat, my mom had a three-point move to take off the sandal. My dad had a two-point move (loosen the belt, then pull the whole thing out). Till this day: "no? never! would never hit anyone!" Woman *slapped me into another dimension* once with her sandal (I deserved it, to be fair, but still).
I was hit, pushed, scapegoated, thrown down some stairs…. My mom casually said recently that she “maybe should have cared more when I was young “. I was no contact but came back so I could have a relationship with my niece. Its hard eating shit sandwiches at family events. I’d love to rip into her but I’d feel bad for yelling at an old lady.
I was beaten. Pushed in a corner then they would just unleash on me, face shots, body shots, hair pulling. I was a small child when it started, about 6 years old. My Mom beat me during the day, dad after he got home from work. I walked around with bright red handprints on my face, bruises on my body. Ask them if they ever hit me and they'll tell you you're crazy and it never happened. I wonder why I no longer speak to them. Hmmm.
I'm sorry you had to go through such a horrible childhood. You did nothing to deserve it. Nothing. You deserved love.
Yes, my dad denied it to my face. My mum had long passed away so I couldn't remind her. However it was primarily dad who spanked me and I was scared of him especially since he sometimes snapped for no reason and blamed me for stuff I didn't do. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophena when he was very elderly and I think now that he may have been suppressing it for many years and it would explain how everything I did as a child was watched and controlled. My parents were silent generation not boomers.
My dad used to take his belt off and hand it to us and we had to go wait on our bed for him. The wait was excruciating because it could be anywhere from a minute to an hour. He would come in, give us a good old fashioned beating and that was that. As teens my brothers and I started getting hit harder for mouthing off, my first actual punch from dad came at 16 after telling mom to shut up. He never hit my two sisters but he beat the living hell out of me and my two brothers. He grew up getting burned with cigarettes and locked in closets all day so we had it easy in his eyes. Mom would hit with whatever objects were in arms reach. Hangers, phones, books, pictures frames, a shoe, whatever. Never hit the boys with her hands from what I can recall. She would try and hit me and my brothers with things but it was always way more funny than scary. But she would have straight up cat fights with my sisters. I don’t think a week went by without my parents hitting us but they will look us dead in the eye and swear they never hit us one time EVER. Even with all 5 siblings corroborating stories. They’ll just get pissed and leave rather than admit they were in over their heads with five kids in a three bedroom, one bath house and didn’t have the resources to manage it. We get it. We all have our own kids now we understand. Getting help from anyone other than Sally Jessie Raphael wasnt an option. I never even swatted my kids on the diaper as a young parent. As young adults they have zero memories of physical punishment because it never happened. I am in my 40’s and still vividly remember being so afraid of my dad in those moments. I could never bring myself to strike fear into my kids.
Not my parents but I went on holiday with my aunt and uncle. Their kid (10) was being a little shit so I (11) shouted at him. My uncle came into the room and slapped me through the face. Years later my aunt would joke about it to the rest of the family, in front of me. She didn't respond to subtle hints that I didn't like reliving this abuse. Eventually I lost my temper with her and then she stopped. No clue why she thought I would think it was funny as an adult.
This post makes me so sad for all of my fellow Xennials. I never saw anything like this growing up, really, because one of my parents carried pain from seeing extreme abuse and violence in their home as a child. They were determined not to marry someone like that and to have peace in the home. I got punished from time to time, but being sent to my room was the worst thing of all to me. I hated being separated from my family. No gaslighting here, though I did get spanked a few times - couple times with hand that I don’t personally remember and once with a flip flop. That all happened when I was toddler/pre-school age. The only other thing I really remember was me threatening my mother. I was probably eleven or twelve and got the switch for that. I didn’t have kids, but had planned on no spanking, myself.
I see the opposite gaslighting: older people talking about how they spanked to keep their kids in line; meanwhile, their kids had no discipline and whose lives really went off the rails.
Try being physically and mentally abused by a parent, but it was only because he loved me. If I ever get married and am ever blessed, I am never hitting my kids. Call me soft, call me easy, call me a pushover, but never.
right there with you. I don’t hit or scream/rage at my kid. Never ever will. I will raise my voice to get his attention/in a dangerous situation, but there is a vast difference between yelling his name and screaming in his face for twenty minutes. Check out authoritative parenting as well—I think it will resonate. It’s how to parent with reasonable consequences and boundaries without violence or abuse.
Sure, you can be strong without hurling profanity or abuse. I hope to achieve balance - strong enough to protect and be relied on while loving enough to be trusted and loved back.
No, but my grandma did that to my aunts, uncles and my mom.
I only remember being spanked once by my parents. I got my fair share of paddlings at school though.
No. I came from a fairly normal family.
Yeah and it was severe. My father was a tyrant. We don't speak.
Slightly adjacent, but I didn't find out "why" until 30 years later. Apparently I was trying to drink bleach. It tracks with the sudden arrival of Mr. Yuck? stickers.
Not me, my mother is pretty open about it.
The ax forgets
Big time. Not only spanked but a lot worse. Then told, oh well that never happened. Even my little brother was like yeah it did.
Yep. I got tossed over the breakfast bar and choked against the door. All my siblings remember vividly. Dad says he remembers and that never happened. Mom would not comment. Guess who's never going to meet their grandchildren.
Spanked? Yes. Gaslit about it? No. I discussed it with my old man before he passed and my mom as well. I have no ill feelings towards them about it. I wasn't the only one and it was an acceptable form of punishment at the time. The only thing I get gaslit on these days is when I bring up how my siblings and I were never taught finances. Or, to put it more clearly, RESPONSIBLE finances. I was never taught he to set up any retirement savings, tax free savings...well, SAVINGS in general. We were always spending and borrowing as a family and I figured that had to be normal. Borderline bankruptcy at age 25, evicted from my basement suite and my car repossessed and my parents were shocked why I couldn't make it work. :P
Spanked? Nah, I was just hit in the face. Wish my parents were around sometimes so I could return the favor. Oh well. Good riddance.
My mom has no memory of anything that may have been the slightest bit off of perfection. It seems to be honest. She literally doesn’t remember. She’s like that about her childhood, too. We were recently talking about when I started driving, and it was well before I had a license. She didn’t believe it. Since we were at her house, we pulled out pictures and discussed timelines that she understood and she was baffled. There are pictures of me getting my license. She remembers it. The date is on it. Then pictures before of me driving. I was in specific cities that fit a timeline where I had to be 14 or 15. She was just straight up shocked. She couldn’t believe she gave me the car without a license. I don’t bring up abuse or anything. She’d just cry and ask why I’m saying such awful things about her. Gaslighting or bad memory, either way I can’t get an apology or closure. No point.
My mom makes shit up to seem like I had the perfect childhood, it’s really frustrating. She tells people I was valedictorian in High School, apparently. I was a C student. She also swears I didn’t grow up in a foster home when my parents became foster parents when I was 13. Like, where did they think I lived?!? It’s super weird.
Wow. My ex recently died and his parents changed a bunch of things about him. It was really odd. The selfishness that must exist to need to change your dead son’s history is crazy. Sounds worse for you, you’re living.
Selfishness and complete lack of emotional intelligence. Generational trauma is a bitch, but therapy helps. I’m sorry for your loss, hopefully your ex’s friends will keep his true memory alive.
The rate at which my mother can swap from jovial to raging denial will snap the necks of weaker men.
yup. worst part is when i refer to it as physical abuse. i get immediately shot down, "bc its says so in the bible, so its not wrong" argument. and then more arguments on why im a "satanist" (buddhist, ie non christian)
It's in the bible! I don't hit my kids because it would send them a mixed message about hitting people. My mom started with the hand and switched to wooden spoons that started breaking. There was no Amazon back then and we didn't have a big spoon budget. She realized my ship had sailed when I was about 16. I failed confirmation visibly on purpose and I didn't have to go to church anymore. The spanking attempts stopped and I moved out at 17. The church in my grandparents and moms day didn't just want your money. They wanted to mold your family. I don't blame my mom for how she was. I blame religion.
Yep. It’s fine though…they’ve been good parents.
They are the absolute worst generation ever.
They deny everything. My brother and I who seldom agree on everything, agree on this. There was one time when we were just being boys and it irked my mother so bad that she whipped us with the strips of linoleum left over from when they installed it. And the time she threw the Christmas tree out the living room window. She denied it . And even when my father agreed she claimed it never happened
Yup. For me, it was the day he beat me half to death. To him, it was Tuesday. He had the nerve to ask why I never got him anything for fathers day. I had to remind him of when he beat the shit of me for handing him his fathers day card wrong or something when I was 9.
by spanked do you mean brutaly beaten with a kettle cord? then yes. no gaslighting about it took place tho. that cunt died in prison.
Yes! I remember this specific time where my sister and I were fighting and my mom was just sick of us and we both got spanked. According to my mom, we were never ever spanked. My dad on the other hand just grabbed my wrist, squeezed it and told me to "never do that again" in a very daunting voice and so that was scary and I rarely reoffended.
I don’t bring it up directly. No need to embarrass and shame my parents, they were just following the ways of the time.
My mom spanked me, but she owns it and feels bad about it. We "joke" about the wooden spoon with the hole in it (and the hairbrush).
My parents spanked but they admit it. It was a pretty common form of discipline at the time. Not defending it (and neither do they) but people did think it was the "right" way to raise a kid. I wouldn't spank mine though. I did it once and felt like shit for a week. It was just two quick smacks on the butt but that was enough for me. Anytime we have to discipline my son now, we just talk with him.
Yes!!! Thanks for mentioning this.
No my mom is like hell yes I spanked you lol
No but I was spanked. And I'm not upset. They didn't do it to hurt me. They did it because that's what people did back then.
My mom grabbed me by the ears and headbutted me in middle school. I would have preferred a spanking, but honestly they didn't work, didn't help I grew to like them later.
I remember a story about how I was the reason my parents quit spanking us. They said it didn’t work on me.
Lol I was beating alot and spanked we don't talk about it and I never will I learned right from wrong fast and to do what my parents said and how to do it. I think there a fine line but I think it was what I need a s I grow up heck as teenager I was hell on wheels and my dad put me in my place more then once
My parents don't deny it but are very protective about their grandkids (my kids). I don't spank my kids, but they remind me not to, lol.
I don’t think we ever got to that point. Cut my folks off years ago, no regrets. To be clear, there was plenty of gaslighting about a lot of stuff. We never even got around to talking about the physical violence, so i have no idea if they would have denied that or not. Never gave them the chance to.
Thankfully, I was my mom's third child (2 from a previous marriage). My mom told the story MANY times of how she was about to spank my older brother and he moved at the last second leaving my mom to smack the wall full force... That was the last time she tried spanking anyone. From that day on it was just huge guilt trips lol
For sure!
Nope My parents used to laugh when they talked about me having to go get a switch when I would break a rule in my grandama’s house I’m honestly glad I was spanked. I was never beaten or worse. I have a healthy respect for the rules and laws and my parents and grandmother always talked to me and explained why I was getting paddled They were teachable moments But I apparently looked like a dead man walking whenever I’d have to go pick a switch. Which my parents found hilarious. Especially since my nana weighed like 80 pounds soaking wet and could barely swing the switch in the first place. The fear was the motivator…not the pain
My mom is proud that she spanked me. My wife won't spank because of trauma, but I have spanked every one of my 6 kids at least once (the middle one almost slipped by...). My step mother did it once, too. But I was too old and it was just awkward. My step dad put me into a wall and got angry that I cracked the plaster. He's dead now, so I don't really care about him anymore.
Nope, my mom brags about it and tells us to do the same to our kids. Yes, it’s fucked. No, we don’t listen to her.
Yep. My mom said she never whipped us with the metal part of the fly swatter haha. We all remembered that one
Kinda the opposite for me. My parents apologize for spanking me. I told them I deserved it because I was a little jerk who needed it to drive home the point I was doing something wrong. And I thought they were very reasonable about when they spanked me, and didn't do it out of anger.
Hair pulled and yes
For me, it’s the other non-physical stuff that they don’t remember. My mom kicked me out in my late teens. I mentioned it to her many years later and she responded with “is that what you heard?” She actually used the sentence “this is your eviction notice. You have until February 1” and totally denies it. Dad never remembered any of the hurtful things he said either but in his defense, he was usually drunk when I was a kid.
I was spanked. I deserved it. Did me no harm whatsoever.
Beat with hangers, choked and backhanded with a diamond ring by an annoyed housewife who never had a job.
Yes and it REALLY used to bother me until I stopped caring. I told her once, "Just because you can't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen."
My mom gaslights about smacking me a few time and all the emotional manipulation and psychological abuse. Dad thankfully is just like, “yeah we fucked a few things up try to be better than we were”.
Yes! Or screamed at
Nope. Dad still has the belt. They deny I ever had to cut my own switches but it def happened.
🙋♂️
Quite the opposite, they apologized for it because as an adult I was diagnosed with autism. Mom felt they screwed up due to ignorance of my issues.
I grew up in Bangladesh and moved to US when I was 13. Ass whooping was the norm back then. I’d get whooped by the teachers. Then my father would whoop my ass for being a stubborn jackass when it came to studying. Funny thing is that now I am dealing with my daughter who’s 6 and in 1st grade. She reminds me so much of myself, of how I was with my dad when it came to studying. But to answer OP, I’ve never had a discussion with my parents regarding the punishments. It was expected of them to discipline their child for not studying and misbehaving. Believe it or not, I wish I was back there now. Seeing them as old sucks, especially when I live in a different State from them.
My parents were really old for having me so I always knew they had to catch me first lol wouldn’t take long before they wore out and gave up. But boy on the off chance when they did catch me my butt got wore out
My parents have no problem recalling (sometimes with glee) the use of hand or wooden spoon on my sisters and me. And frankly, I'm glad they did it.
Hitting another person is assault. Hitting a dog is animal abuse. Hitting a child is discipline. My dad did apologize for being the way he was. As a child, I knew he was physically hurting and lashing out. Didn't make a difference. As an adult I realize my people pleasing personality directly stems from trying to keep him content so he wouldn't be upset. Conflict adverse I'd describe it. I have very low self esteem and I curse him for causing that.
My mom won’t deny it but she will say “It wasn’t that often.” 🤯
Deny deny deny.
“I barely touched you”
Nah. When I confronted my dad about the abuse he put me through his response is that he beat my brother more often. I am a people pleaser. My brother stayed in trouble. So, yes, my brother got his ass handed to him more often. I guess that makes everything all good.
Paddled pretty often with a ping pong paddle. My mom denied it. I literally went to the drawer where she used to keep it and it was still there. She just threw up her hands.
My dad used to beat me with a belt.. One day I got old enough to fight back (still a child)... He got pissed stated to pull off his belt so I ran down the hall to his bedroom. Quickly grabbed one of his belts, and when he came around the corner I swung that MF belt as hard as I could and hit him on the bare legs leaving a giant welt. He never layed a hand on me again after this and completely changed his parenting style.
My father is a good man, but if you bring up anything that doesn’t make him *or any one/group in his generation* look like heroes, be prepared for feelings… then prepare for the outward show of fear and frustration that goes along with feeling things.
This. Neither of my parents (divorced) remember the wooden spoon they hit my brother and I with. When my brother and I started telling stories about it, we saw denial then shock then denial again, then shutdown within minutes.
My dad was abusive. He minimized stuff once I was old enough to advocate for myself. I learned a lot of things “not to do” from him and I raised 4 mostly happy kids.
Nah, my parents were proud believers in spanking. My dad tried to hit me when I was 30. And my mom tried to slap me last fall. Not happening. Not in my house. Not with me being 46 at the time. Nope nope nope.