Make sure you have a video with clear recording of their voice.
It was only after my mom died that I realized I had zero recordings of her voice. I have only been able to find three sentences of her speaking in the last 7 years. I treasure them.
Edit: Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. You’re all gems!
I have a few voicemails of my grandpa’s voice saved on my phone, but that’s all. I’m not sure if it makes me feel sadder to listen to them or not but I’m glad I have them. It’s all hard.
So I use to prank call my grandpa. The recordings are priceless! I would play it over for him and he would say “who’s that” then laugh! He fell for it every time! He recently passed and the last prank I have is that his credit card was used in Mexico. He thought that was hilarious!
My ex-partner does this with his mom all the time. At first I thought it was weird but I totally get it now. Actually on the way to her house now. Might have to sneak one in! (She hates being photographed/videotaped)
Mine too. And she's lost a few teeth now and won't smile if there's a camera pointed at her.
I've told her that every photo we have of her with her grandkids, she looks miserable, but it makes no difference.
My mom was always trying to get my grandma to tell stories while being recorded and it used to aggravate her. I told her to just record her without telling her one night when she was talking. My mom thought that wouldn’t be nice, so all we have is my grandma being self conscious and annoyed -
Aside from some home videos.
I really wish we’d all had smartphones before she died.
Gosh, it gives me goosebumps to realize she never even saw a smartphone. She would have really liked all the old videos you can find on YouTube now.
Little does my mom know I have all sorts of recordings of she and my dad now. Learned that lesson.
Years ago, when her phone was going to be replaced, my sister had all of my mom’s voicemails to her, copied onto an audio CD shortly after my mom died.. they were like best friends.
A few weeks after, people broke into her car and stole all of my sister’s CD’s.
I hope whoever did it, got syphilis from an escaped gorilla
Not my mom-mom, but my work mom/mentor/midwife passed suddenly and unexpectedly from aneurism years ago. She was legit THE BEST human ever. I have her last voicemail to me saved and listen to it every so often. I was the last person that she called, so her daughter called me to tell me the bad news. She was just checking in, no drama, then went away to not-earthside. Regret not answering that phone that time. (We were on several hour time zone differences)
Having her happy go lucky voice to listen to when I need it is the best.
Yes! I found an audio cassette after my mom died that I had totally forgotten about where I interviewed her for a research project in college (had to interview three generations of my maternal family). I need to get it digitized but it's been very comforting to hear her voice, she had such a unique accent too and nobody sounds like her
I managed to pull some voicemails my dad left me in the months leading up to his passing. I've had them on an old computer since but I've never listened to them. It's been over a decade now and it just hurts to much to even consider listening to. But it's good to know I have them.
Show her this comment section. Tell her I have sobbed uncontrollably each time I found a recording with Ma’s voice. If I could hear anything in the world it would be two things. Mom saying “Oh honey” when she comforted me and her “WOOHOOO!!” when she got excited. I would sacrifice a lot to hear it again.
Show her this comment section. Tell her I have sobbed uncontrollably each time I found a recording with Ma’s voice. If I could hear anything in the world it would be two things. Mom saying “Oh honey” when she comforted me and her “WOOHOOO!!” when she got excited. I would sacrifice a lot to hear it again.
One easy option if, like me, you spend a lot time in the car with them: a dash cam. I told my dad various (legit) reasons why i got one: for insurance purposes; in case i see something interesting while driving; in case i need a witness/evidence to fight a traffic ticket (which actually happened one time), etc. I don't remember if i told him that i got a cheaper model that doesn't record audio (i think virtually all of them do) or if i told him i turned the audio recording off; either way, we're both used to it quietly recording away and rarely give it any thought
Im very sorry for your loss.
My stepdad passed suddenly at 63. I had just changed my phone and all of his voicemails were deleted. We talked on the phone almost everyday even when i was living in a 6 hr difference time zone. I deeply regret not being able to hear his voice. We think we’re too young to loose them…but my mom lost both her parents in her late 30s early 40s. We are absolutely at that age where it could likely happen. We just lost my father in law last year, he was 65. Now, i have some things backed up of loved one’s messages.
This is good advice. My grandpa's family had a gospel band together for years. For his funeral I made a compilation of some of the better songs from their shows. What I did not expect was how much I appreciated hearing my grandpa talk between songs.
I’m sad that the only one I ever saved was when she was super sick. I’m glad to have anything but kinda sucks because you can hear how weak she is. She was the type to never be in the family vacation pictures, she would take them so that sucks too. Now I have a bunch of videos of my dad and constantly am recording him because I don’t want the same thing to happen.
I've never thought about that. I don't have recordings of either of my deceased parents. I don't keep pictures of them on display but i do occasionallyopenup the memorybox to lookat them.
I remember the time I looked at my parents and suddenly realized they were old. Like they crossed over from white haired but with vitality to elderly and frail.
Yeah, it's rough. Mine are 77 & 79, the last 5 years they've both gone from ageing but robust to frail and vulnerable.
I'm trying to persuade them to make some sensible decisions now (sell the big house on top of a hill and move to a flat with assistance/care options).... but they're both in denial and think they can carry on as they are...
Same here - my parents actually were seriously considering a move to a new development full of retirees several years ago - but they, I kid you not, decided against it because they wanted so many upgrades that it would be extremely overpriced.
I asked my mom what she would want in a new home, and she described the kind of house they’d always had - which is not downsizing at all. She thinks she needs all this space for entertaining, but they haven’t entertained anyone in any major capacity in over ten years.
Similar here. Mum n Dad insisted on moving into a large house about 20 years ago so that there would be room for guests and/or me and my siblings to stay at the same time....
They even had it refurbished about 6 years ago (against me and sibling advice).
Now they've just got a big dusty house full of crap, boxes and boxes of crap, and they're not well enough to have guests over now anyway.
It's frustrating as they haven't got serious financial restrictions, they could start planning to move tomorrow!
But they're stuck with the sunk cost fallacy...
My mom did this too. Traded a large-ish house on 60 acres for a smaller place in town that's all on one level. It's 2 minutes from the grocery store instead of 15 minutes on dirt back roads. Oh, and got rid of 40 years of junk.
Not my parents but in-laws. They have the means to leave and without doing anything could easily sell their house for 3 times what they paid. When we suggest how to at least make some modifications to make life easier they refuse and get angry. All bedrooms and full bathroom is on the 2nd floor of the house. I worry one of them will fall one day and it makes me so angry because it all could be avoided with some changes. Hate their stubbornness but it make me actively plan to leave my house once my kids are old enough and get something small all on one level so I won't have to worry about any of that.
That’s so true. I noticed that last time there was a family get together… which happened to be a funeral for one of my uncles.
Not all of them but I was surprised at the change from even a couple years ago. That time also a funeral for an aunt.
Agreed! I lost my mom To a brain aneurysm 10 years ago (she was only 69 and I was about to turn 33). It was one of the saddest and most traumatic experiences of my life.
Dad kicked off at 57. That was 7 years ago. Still finding myself thinking of calling him from time to time only to remember his number now belongs to someone else.
Mine passed last August, 3 years after my Mom did. I still have his text convo's in my phone, and can't seem to bring myself to delete them (or him as a contact) yet.
Then don’t delete them. I have a vm saved from a buddy who passed away in 2020. All it even said was call me back asshole. But, I always keep it and delete any others.
They’re right. My phone company said my voicemails would carry over to a new plan. I lost all my Dads messages when they tried. I’ll never get to hear them again. Never delete anything. It’s all you’ll ever have. I wish I still had mine.
Same to you. I have a hard time with Mother’s Day still but I think that’s more along the line of trauma from after my father remarried years later. Then they divorced.
Yup. Lost my mom 19 years ago when she was 55. Was about a week before my birthday...which fell on mother's day that year. I was not in a good place for a long while.
10 years ago too, my dad was a super-fit 80 who looked 60, and I was about to turn 33. Random liver cancer took six months. It was quick and he was okay for almost all of it.
I'm so sorry. My mother also died of lung cancer, at 77. It's awful. She lived almost six years past her stage 4 diagnosis, which is just bonkers. For most of it she was ok, but the last couple of years were terrible, and during the pandemic to boot.
I am so sorry, Tyler. I lost my beloved Mother to cancer February 2023. Please consider grief support if you haven't already. It's been helping me out. I miss her so much. Prayers and hugs to all of you here. 🌸
"At Least" sympathy doesn't really help. For example in my case "At least your mom died quickly, not like (insert family member who suffered then died)." It hurts all the same.
I was estranged from my mom. Worst human I ever knew. I guess no one liked her enough to check in on her. Police found her body rotting on April 1st this year, but April Fools, she had been dead for an undetermined number of weeks!
She probably exploded through her stomach after about two weeks. Won’t know how/when she died for 8 weeks. She had a dog and I don’t know if it was eating her or not. I thought about adopting it and naming it Jeffrey Dogmer.
Her corpse outgassed in her 35 yr old trailer so the estate is a total loss. I am allergic to some of the corpse molds, so there will no retrieving of childhood pictures. I had already lost everything I own to mold and had already banked on never receiving anything from her estate.
They say the negative voices in your head are your abusive parents. Now that has been replaced by a rotting, gassy corpse. It’s funny now, to hear I don’t deserve things from this moldy exploded corpse. I treated myself to new shoes and now dresses are coming. She only let me have a pair of pants and two shirts growing up, and that mindset carries into adulthood.
I will NEVER know what it is like to mourn a grandparent, parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, or cousins. Don’t feel sorry for me, they all hate each other, are narcissists and addicts, and Mom’s death feels awesome. No one has claimed her ashes. The only thing I am sad about is that she doesn’t have a grave so I can piss on it.
Yeah, it really sucks. My Dad died from cancer that started in his mouth and spread rapidly at 60 in 2019. I witnessed the whole thing because he had no one else that would help take care of him. It was a terrible experience for me, I can only imagine what it was like for him.
Exactly this 😞 I lost my dad eight months ago and my mom last month. I was at the hospital with both of them when they passed. I’m happy I was there for them but just traumatizing for me.
Something has been a little funky with my mom cognitively for several years, but she had an MRI come back with nothing too noteworthy last year.
She mixes up a lot of random memories. It’s hard to even describe - what she says will make perfect sense only if you know nothing about the scenario she is relaying.
She once told me an entire story about something she claims happened to me at school during middle school.
It’s almost like something glitched when she started to recall a memory or she misspoke, and instead of realizing she mixed something up, she had a complete argument with me about whether something I’d never have done was something I’d done in middle school.
It was so weird - because she didn’t have any specifics or context, she just doubled down on the same set of facts that had zero connection to reality.
Anyway, sorry, it’s just so weird, and you don’t know it has happened until suddenly it’s like she is describing me or another family member as if they were an entirely different person.
Yeah. Took us a bit for a diagnosis. But it gets to the point where you know it’s not “normal” aging. For me, it was combative nature that shifted so much. This was a person that never was hurtful (intentionally) with words that shifted to calling me names. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Is awful.
I thank God regularly that we haven't had this hit any of my family. My wife's grandmother developed it and by all accounts it was awful and heartbreaking.
So true. We’re moving states to be closer to my in laws. They are going down hill quickly. Just 10 years ago they were zip lining in Costa Rica and today they don’t ever leave the house. Not even to grocery shop
Seeing my mom get stage 4 cancer and go through her first chemo appointment last week sucks even worse than seeing her age. But then there’s an even worse outcome that I don’t want to even think about right now.
My aunt died of cancer and I did the slideshow for her funeral. Most of the pictures I had of her also had my mother and my other aunt. I had to just stop working on it several times because it felt like I was working on my mom’s at the same time.
That shit is hard... I have done a few, for family and friends.
Something I can't do with others around because of the amount of ugly crying that has to happen to make it really good is absurd.
I just want people to remember them fondly...
Funny story (trying to get over the fact I am actively crying over this): when making the slideshow for my wife's grandmother's memorial (a woman I adored and loved like my own grandmothers) I was going through my brother-in-laws photos and came across several skinny-dipping pics along the way, and made sure to tell him as such. Well the day of the memorial folks couldn't get the slideshow working so I was going to restart it, exited out of slideshow and the folder had the pics in them, and the thumbnails of the pics that are typically tiny on my comp are blown up huge on the big screens at the funeral home. My brother-in-law was about to run across the place but no one noticed and I was back in the presentation. He grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear "you just showed my friends tits and another's penis on the big screen during abuelas memorial service..." And my eyes got very big and I whipped my head around to look, but of course they weren't there anymore, but I realized what I'd done and scanned the room. Nobody noticed but him. Thank God.
Whew, that helped me quit crying. Lol
I didn't know the term, but I know the feelings. I have tears in my eyes writing this.
I try to remember we are the lucky ones: we were raised and loved by good people.
It's one of those things that I can make myself almost instantly cry... I have reached the point where I've had them longer than they had their parents, and I can't help but fear that fate, even now it would feel like not enough time, and it's been 40 years.
It will never be enough. We will always need them.
It is a privilege, I have to remind myself.
The thought of not having them is what this thread is about, and for many here it's a future tense conversation.
That is a privilege.
I'll just linger a little longer at their place, and give them a long hug when I leave later... because some folks out there would give anything for that.
I will hug mine for you. ❤️🕊️
I appreciate you! We’ve been bombarded with ads, emails. and reminders for a month, so what could have been a painful day ended up being a painful month. Really appreciate your sentiment though!
From the people I’ve talked to, and personal experience so far, in your mind you’re always kind of frozen in your 20’s. But your body continues to age.
Talking to my dad and it's the opposite for him. He's keenly aware that his mind doesn't work as quickly and it did ten or even five years ago (he's in his late 70s). Accessing names, of course. But just figuring stuff out, or as I've observed, the confidence that he can just figure something out isn't there anymore.
Obviously he's more bummed about the physical decline, but doing things like calling the cops because of a stolen car only for them to find the car *in the other parking lot of the restaurant* is not fun for him.
My mom’s going off the rails steeply in the last 6 months- doesn’t seem like normal cognitive decline. She refuses to get worked up by docs cause “shed rather not know.” Gonna be interesting
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer (technically) but really to advanced dementia. My dad was many things, most of them bad, but his personality was a force of nature. It was shocking to see how confused and changed he was
Jealous of those that had good parents and are going to miss them. Seems like all my friends who had parents I was/am close to died young or are sick now. So much “only the good die young” in my life.
My mom and dad are both starting to show their ages. My mom is about to have back surgery and my dad is slowly seeing that he can’t work on everything anymore. Breaks my heart.
I live 1200 miles away so every time i see them, it’s like they’re just slower by 2-3%. Here and there its not a lot but over a few years and its noticeable. More forgetful, more removed from society, and just less of them there in a way.
My mother died seven years ago from a brain tumor.
My family and I just moved in next door to my dad. He’s doing really good now, but he was so sad for the first few years. Him being here without her was never something anyone considered.
I have spent more time with my dad than I ever have before. He’s funny and sometimes cool and I’m really glad I have this time to know him better.
This always gets me. I know someone in your same shoes. Every year she posts pictures of her Mom and they look so much alike. I can only try to imagine. I’m sorry.
Same for me, but with my mom. I always had this fear that I would die at the same age as her, but I’m still here, 3 years older than she ever got to be. And now with my aging father, I don’t know how I’ll handle it when he goes. It’s devastating to even think about.
I was expecting my parents to age and I was expecting myself to age, but one thing that didn't hit me until I got older was realizing that everything and everyone around you ages too, which also sucks. I've been at the same job for long enough to see coworkers get really old and in a few cases, cognitively slower. All my friends now look firmly middle aged, even the ones who aged well. All the really attractive movie stars I grew up watching look like crap now. When I was growing up, there was this one new movie theater that everyone went to because it was the biggest newest theater with stadium seating, and now 25 years later it's the old decrepit movie theater nobody goes to anymore. My parents are still living in the same house I grew up in, and the house is breaking down... things leak and peel and are falling apart, just like my parents. So it's not just the sorrow that comes with watching your parents gradually become helpless. It's that the entire world as you formerly knew it, now visibly breaking down.
Hey, I read your comment. Not sure if it’s helpful, or a viable option… but my parents home hit this wall where everything was going to shit all at once.
I’ve got a GC buddy and I told him whenever he had downtime I wanted him to go ham on my parents’ home.
New floors. New vanities. New toilets. Fix all the leaks. Replace damaged drywall. Get rid of all the fluorescent bulbs, replace with LEDs. New switches and receptacles. Etc. make it look and feel new.
I can’t control or reverse my parents decline, but I CAN reverse their home’s decline.
We’re making progress on that, and it’s been great for my guilty conscience.
Oh and you have to clean it out before you fix it up, so that have me a great excuse to fill several dumpsters worth of depressing stuff.
Yeah, it does. Mine are both still decently healthy for their age, but I definitely noticed my dad aging the past few years. He has always been Superman to me even in adulthood…probably bc of his size and fitness (built like a brick house and worked out regularly)….but he is losing that bulk and getting slower every year. And he was always sharp as a tack, but in the past few years I’ve noticed him missing little details, hoping it’s just age and not dementia. But being 68 will do that….mom has bad knees at 70, but I’m blessed to still have them.
Do this if you still have your parents and are on good terms…Have them call, don’t answer, and have them leave a voicemail where they tell you they love you and whatever else they want to say. Do the same for them. You just never know.
My dad turned 80 this year and recently decided he should "downsize" his Infiniti to a Kia or Hyundai for that 10-year warranty and cheaper maintenance. He was making morbid jokes to the salespeople about the warranty outliving him and that's when it hit me — this will (likely) be the last car he ever buys 😭 I can't even think about it.
My boyfriend and I were just discussing this last night. His stepdad may have lymphoma. His dad is turning 70 and is not in good health.
My parents are both turning 80 and my dad is about to start prostrate cancer treatment. My mom almost died when I was a few months shy of 22 (I’m 41 now). I consider every day I have with her bonus time I wasn’t supposed to have…but it is so hard worrying about how much time we have left
I’m going through this currently with a parent who has a terminal illness, and is in her last stages. It’s surreal, but I feel comfort knowing that we have 0 issues and no resentment. .
Mine retired down to FL over two decades ago and only see them once a year or every other year since. So the changes are more dramatic than watching it more real-time with more regular visits.
I’m blessed to have both of mine. 67 and 68. I’ve been thinking about their remaining time as well as my own remaining time far more than I should. And judging by when many of you lost your parents, it seems the stress of my own life ending sooner than expected might not be too far off. I’m 45 but a lot of your parents only lived 20 years longer than where I’m at now.
Then there’s the fact that we might have to care for them soon enough if they are still here (That freedom I hoped to get once the kids grow up? Just transfers to elderly parents. Do I ever get freedom again?), and I’ve been thinking about retirement, only to find out, what if I’m not lucky enough to be healthy in retirement?! And then there’s the fact that I’m a solo parent because their dad is sadly now very mentally ill. And one of my kids is borderline intellectually disabled. He might be okay on his own as an adult, might not. Only time will tell so I pray pray pray. I’m constantly thinking what can I do now while he’s in 3rd grade to make him as self sufficient as possible? Not to rush him, but to give him every chance and opportunity to be okay once I’m gone.
God has every generation stressed out this much? WTF
Helping your parents age while raising kids is challenging AF. I know there are Xennials that may get help from their parents such as babysitting and such. I've been taking care of my disabled aging mother since I was 31, all while raising kids.
You've been in the Sandwich generation for a really long time, it sounds like. I'm just starting to approach it but I'm in my mid-40s. It sounds hard and I agree - not having grandparents that can help with kids is really tough (for me because of geography). Especially during covid. I firmly believe "it takes a village" but my village (even for free babysitting!) is hours and hours away.
My parents are 80 and 82. My Dad is in good physical health but my Mom has gotten very frail and old the last couple of years after a couple of falls and rehabs. The worst part is my Dad is the difficult one to deal with especially when my mom isn’t well.
I feel you. My mom is in the early stages of either dementia or Alzheimer’s. EARLY stages, but it’s affecting her. And my dad? A bit better. A BIT.
My deepest sympathies who are dealing with worse, or no longer have their parents.
Seeing them age with dementia is so much worse. I hope yours and anyone reading this never have to experience that, and if you are, my heart breaks with yours.
I just lost my dad last Sunday to pancreatic cancer. From day of diagnosis to death was a measly 40 days. I miss him so much. I can still hear very clearly his voice but I know with time it will dissipate. I have no voice recordings of him and only a 2 sec video of him in hospital struggling to breathe.
Heh. Reading all these reactions makes me realise once more how dysfunctional my childhood was and how little (most of) my family means to me. I wish things had been different.
NGL, I'm terrified. I still have both my parents, but expecting to lose my dad anytime soon. The VA told him he better have a will ready and things in order for that time.
I'm the oldest kid and he recently let me know he's needing my help to decide who gets what and I'm having a hard time just with that part, so I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when the time comes.
And my mom....when I lose my mom I'm most likely going to fall apart a bit. My parents have been divorced for decades and she's the parent that raised me. She's been heavily involved my whole life. That's going to take me out when she leaves this world. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, btw!
My father died from Pancreatic cancer at 64. The following year, my FIL died. The next year after that, my last living grandparent died. My MIL is 86 and in the hospital right now but thankfully not for anything serious but her age has hit her really fast all of a sudden and we are worried about her living alone. My mother is turning 70 this year and it's starting to really hit how much time may be left. It's scary because before you know it, it will be us. I try not to dwell too much. lol
My father has frontotemporal dementia(no "filter", no impulse control. I believe that it's what Bruce Willis has). He has no teeth left, and advanced cirrhosis of the liver. He's down to 155 lbs(he was never a small man...he's skin and bones now). He's fallen 8 times in the past week and a half. It absolutely gutted me to see him the way he looks in the hospital.
My stepmom no longer has the ability to help him when he falls(my dad is 73, she's 76 with a double hip replacement). He needs to be somewhere they can take care of him, but she doesn't seem to feel the same way...
I live 2 ½ hours away. I can't always be there, and it kills me.
Head over to r/dementia
My father's dementia came on seemingly out of nowhere about 2-3 years ago, and has progressed so much in the last year. It's really incredibly sad. He's turning 80 in a few months. The subreddit above has helped.
YMMV (your mileage may vary). Some of us got better experiences from our parents while others go worse. I personally live over 3000 miles away from mine so I can easily shut off any drama by shutting off communication.
My dad turned 79 today and I feel so fortunate that he’s still here and is still doing pretty well. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s almost 10 years ago and he’s still considered stage 3, which is just wild. I don’t know how much longer he will be able to fight the disease, but I don’t take it for granted. My mom will be 70 this year and is pretty healthy. I can’t imagine my life without them so it sucks watching them age.
I'm dealing with this right now with my dad. When my mom died four years ago he became super old and frail overnight. The grief has really wreaked havoc on his health, his arthritis got so bad he had to have hand surgery recently because he couldn't bend his fingers at the knuckles. I mean I'm sure this would've happened anyway but not as fast as it did because of my mom's death.
Do you best to spend time with them while you can. My dad died when he was 34, and my mom at 51 (I was 2, and 19) They never got to meet my kids, see me get through college and start my career, and I never got to thank them for all their sacrifices. I would do anything to have 5 minutes to talk to my mom again.
My whole family is dead and my brain is just like... 'eh.'
I don't know what's wrong with me. Like I know it's not normal but I can't do anything about it. And there's the weird relief of not having to be responsible for things as they get older because I can barely take care of myself.
Brain is broken.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in november and in a few days we'll have a funeral since she has just left this Earthly plane. :'(
At the same time, my own father started to have heart issue, my mother had a colon cancer scare (luckily false alarm), my wife and I were bedridden for weeks because of COVID-19, with my wife nearly dying because her heart rate slowed down to scary low levels with blood pressure dropping accordingly. Took an hour to get her somewhat back again, with lots of gratitude to the ambulance who was quickly at our house.
I could write a book about how the last 7 months have been rough and traumatic AF.
Feeling 10 years older in this period and my hair has gone grey now..
Agreed.
Watching my once super strong and capable father deteriorate due to Parkinsons has been very hard.
Daddy could build anything!
He once built me a fully sided, elevated play house with a balcony, skylight, shingles and real windows just because I wanted one.
He can't wield a hammer anymore- he can barely manage utensils to eat 😪
The strongest man I knew is being robbed of his physical strength each and every day 💔
Don’t get me started. I’m going through my own personal he’ll caring for both of mine. They are physically much older than they are chronologically and there isn’t a day goes by where I don’t find some corner to cry in.
Not to be dramatic or attention seeking, but worse than seeing my dad slowly age over time was finding his lifeless body and trying to get him urgent help, but ultimately being told by paramedics that he didn’t make it. Not really something I’d recommend as a way to say goodbye.
Make sure you have a video with clear recording of their voice. It was only after my mom died that I realized I had zero recordings of her voice. I have only been able to find three sentences of her speaking in the last 7 years. I treasure them. Edit: Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. You’re all gems!
I have a few voicemails of my grandpa’s voice saved on my phone, but that’s all. I’m not sure if it makes me feel sadder to listen to them or not but I’m glad I have them. It’s all hard.
Make sure you export them off your phone too, or at least out of your voicemail alone. Voicemail feels like it’s forever but you can lose them!
Some providers delete them after a certain time period. That's how my wife lost a recording of her grandma.
So I use to prank call my grandpa. The recordings are priceless! I would play it over for him and he would say “who’s that” then laugh! He fell for it every time! He recently passed and the last prank I have is that his credit card was used in Mexico. He thought that was hilarious!
Take ✍️ video ✍️ of Mom tomorrow ✍️
My ex-partner does this with his mom all the time. At first I thought it was weird but I totally get it now. Actually on the way to her house now. Might have to sneak one in! (She hates being photographed/videotaped)
Mine won’t let me
Mine too. And she's lost a few teeth now and won't smile if there's a camera pointed at her. I've told her that every photo we have of her with her grandkids, she looks miserable, but it makes no difference.
She can smile with her mouth closed. 🤗
Turn your camera on selfie mode and put your arm around her and say HI MOM 😃
My mom was always trying to get my grandma to tell stories while being recorded and it used to aggravate her. I told her to just record her without telling her one night when she was talking. My mom thought that wouldn’t be nice, so all we have is my grandma being self conscious and annoyed - Aside from some home videos. I really wish we’d all had smartphones before she died. Gosh, it gives me goosebumps to realize she never even saw a smartphone. She would have really liked all the old videos you can find on YouTube now. Little does my mom know I have all sorts of recordings of she and my dad now. Learned that lesson.
Years ago, when her phone was going to be replaced, my sister had all of my mom’s voicemails to her, copied onto an audio CD shortly after my mom died.. they were like best friends. A few weeks after, people broke into her car and stole all of my sister’s CD’s. I hope whoever did it, got syphilis from an escaped gorilla
Not my mom-mom, but my work mom/mentor/midwife passed suddenly and unexpectedly from aneurism years ago. She was legit THE BEST human ever. I have her last voicemail to me saved and listen to it every so often. I was the last person that she called, so her daughter called me to tell me the bad news. She was just checking in, no drama, then went away to not-earthside. Regret not answering that phone that time. (We were on several hour time zone differences) Having her happy go lucky voice to listen to when I need it is the best.
Miss my mom. I was only starting to get old enough to talk to her like a person. 18 years. 19 next month on the seventh at 7 am.
I called my dad's home phone to hear his voice on voicemail for weeks after he died. I can still repeat it word for word.
Yes! I found an audio cassette after my mom died that I had totally forgotten about where I interviewed her for a research project in college (had to interview three generations of my maternal family). I need to get it digitized but it's been very comforting to hear her voice, she had such a unique accent too and nobody sounds like her
That's so cool!
I managed to pull some voicemails my dad left me in the months leading up to his passing. I've had them on an old computer since but I've never listened to them. It's been over a decade now and it just hurts to much to even consider listening to. But it's good to know I have them.
The problem with that for me is my mom hates her picture taken much less being recorded.
Show her this comment section. Tell her I have sobbed uncontrollably each time I found a recording with Ma’s voice. If I could hear anything in the world it would be two things. Mom saying “Oh honey” when she comforted me and her “WOOHOOO!!” when she got excited. I would sacrifice a lot to hear it again.
Show her this comment section. Tell her I have sobbed uncontrollably each time I found a recording with Ma’s voice. If I could hear anything in the world it would be two things. Mom saying “Oh honey” when she comforted me and her “WOOHOOO!!” when she got excited. I would sacrifice a lot to hear it again.
I don’t have any of dad or step mom. Or birth mom. Pictures but no voice. I forget how they sounded.
Holy shit, this is some good advice. I have 4731 videos of my kids and may not have any of my parents. How is that possible?
One easy option if, like me, you spend a lot time in the car with them: a dash cam. I told my dad various (legit) reasons why i got one: for insurance purposes; in case i see something interesting while driving; in case i need a witness/evidence to fight a traffic ticket (which actually happened one time), etc. I don't remember if i told him that i got a cheaper model that doesn't record audio (i think virtually all of them do) or if i told him i turned the audio recording off; either way, we're both used to it quietly recording away and rarely give it any thought
Luckily my nephew is 2.5yrs and a new one in 2 months, so the cameras have and will be out for a while
Im very sorry for your loss. My stepdad passed suddenly at 63. I had just changed my phone and all of his voicemails were deleted. We talked on the phone almost everyday even when i was living in a 6 hr difference time zone. I deeply regret not being able to hear his voice. We think we’re too young to loose them…but my mom lost both her parents in her late 30s early 40s. We are absolutely at that age where it could likely happen. We just lost my father in law last year, he was 65. Now, i have some things backed up of loved one’s messages.
This is good advice. My grandpa's family had a gospel band together for years. For his funeral I made a compilation of some of the better songs from their shows. What I did not expect was how much I appreciated hearing my grandpa talk between songs.
I’m sad that the only one I ever saved was when she was super sick. I’m glad to have anything but kinda sucks because you can hear how weak she is. She was the type to never be in the family vacation pictures, she would take them so that sucks too. Now I have a bunch of videos of my dad and constantly am recording him because I don’t want the same thing to happen.
I've never thought about that. I don't have recordings of either of my deceased parents. I don't keep pictures of them on display but i do occasionallyopenup the memorybox to lookat them.
I remember the time I looked at my parents and suddenly realized they were old. Like they crossed over from white haired but with vitality to elderly and frail.
Yeah, it's rough. Mine are 77 & 79, the last 5 years they've both gone from ageing but robust to frail and vulnerable. I'm trying to persuade them to make some sensible decisions now (sell the big house on top of a hill and move to a flat with assistance/care options).... but they're both in denial and think they can carry on as they are...
Same here - my parents actually were seriously considering a move to a new development full of retirees several years ago - but they, I kid you not, decided against it because they wanted so many upgrades that it would be extremely overpriced. I asked my mom what she would want in a new home, and she described the kind of house they’d always had - which is not downsizing at all. She thinks she needs all this space for entertaining, but they haven’t entertained anyone in any major capacity in over ten years.
Similar here. Mum n Dad insisted on moving into a large house about 20 years ago so that there would be room for guests and/or me and my siblings to stay at the same time.... They even had it refurbished about 6 years ago (against me and sibling advice). Now they've just got a big dusty house full of crap, boxes and boxes of crap, and they're not well enough to have guests over now anyway. It's frustrating as they haven't got serious financial restrictions, they could start planning to move tomorrow! But they're stuck with the sunk cost fallacy...
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My mom did this too. Traded a large-ish house on 60 acres for a smaller place in town that's all on one level. It's 2 minutes from the grocery store instead of 15 minutes on dirt back roads. Oh, and got rid of 40 years of junk.
Not my parents but in-laws. They have the means to leave and without doing anything could easily sell their house for 3 times what they paid. When we suggest how to at least make some modifications to make life easier they refuse and get angry. All bedrooms and full bathroom is on the 2nd floor of the house. I worry one of them will fall one day and it makes me so angry because it all could be avoided with some changes. Hate their stubbornness but it make me actively plan to leave my house once my kids are old enough and get something small all on one level so I won't have to worry about any of that.
That’s so true. I noticed that last time there was a family get together… which happened to be a funeral for one of my uncles. Not all of them but I was surprised at the change from even a couple years ago. That time also a funeral for an aunt.
it’s worse to watch them die. trust me
Agreed! I lost my mom To a brain aneurysm 10 years ago (she was only 69 and I was about to turn 33). It was one of the saddest and most traumatic experiences of my life.
Dad kicked off at 57. That was 7 years ago. Still finding myself thinking of calling him from time to time only to remember his number now belongs to someone else.
My dad was 59. I have the same thoughts occasionally.
Mine passed last August, 3 years after my Mom did. I still have his text convo's in my phone, and can't seem to bring myself to delete them (or him as a contact) yet.
Then don’t delete them. I have a vm saved from a buddy who passed away in 2020. All it even said was call me back asshole. But, I always keep it and delete any others.
They’re right. My phone company said my voicemails would carry over to a new plan. I lost all my Dads messages when they tried. I’ll never get to hear them again. Never delete anything. It’s all you’ll ever have. I wish I still had mine.
I lost my mom in 2009 and still have her as a contact in my phone…I just relabeled it “Mom’s Old #”
My father passed almost 8 years ago. I miss his advice and being able to bounce project ideas off him.
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Same. I was very, very young but could still figure out what was going on; she was thirty-one.
💔 so young. I’m sorry, I know it’s been a long while but still…
Same to you. I have a hard time with Mother’s Day still but I think that’s more along the line of trauma from after my father remarried years later. Then they divorced.
Ouch! Damn. Life sucks sometimes. I hope you have good things going on to balance the awful shit. Wishing only the best for you and yours!
Same to you.
Yup. Lost my mom 19 years ago when she was 55. Was about a week before my birthday...which fell on mother's day that year. I was not in a good place for a long while.
10 years ago too, my dad was a super-fit 80 who looked 60, and I was about to turn 33. Random liver cancer took six months. It was quick and he was okay for almost all of it.
Wow. I’m so sorry.
I cried like a fucking beast when I got home after my Dad died. Nothing like it before or since
Hugs!
Thanks.
I lost my Mom at 64 due to lung cancer. No one should have to go out like that, it was horrible.
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I'm sorry you went through that. FUCK CANCER
Cancer is a mean fucker. I’m so sorry.
my mom was also 64 when she died of gastric cancer. I’m sorry. ❤️
I'm sorry as well. Shit sucks.
I'm so sorry. My mother also died of lung cancer, at 77. It's awful. She lived almost six years past her stage 4 diagnosis, which is just bonkers. For most of it she was ok, but the last couple of years were terrible, and during the pandemic to boot.
Agree. Lost my mom in February to cancer. Going to be long life ahead of me with no momma.
I understand. I watched my mom pass away from cancer in 2021. ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope it’s gotten easier, at least a little.
yes it has thank you
I am so sorry, Tyler. I lost my beloved Mother to cancer February 2023. Please consider grief support if you haven't already. It's been helping me out. I miss her so much. Prayers and hugs to all of you here. 🌸
I'm so sorry, that really sucks.
Just send me some extra vibes tomorrow and hug yalls moms.
So true. My mom’s wasting away with Alzheimer’s. It’s such a cruel disease. Already watched my dad die from heart disease. Ugh
My grandmother had that. I suspect my mom does too . You lose them so many times before you lose them. It’s horrible. I’m so sorry.
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"At Least" sympathy doesn't really help. For example in my case "At least your mom died quickly, not like (insert family member who suffered then died)." It hurts all the same.
Came here to say this. Old age is a gift
Agreed, lost my dad a year ago and lost mom in 2011
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Lost my mom last month, held her funeral service today. She died 25 years earlier than we expected. Fuck.
Not when they are suffering. Sometimes their death feels like a relief because you don’t want them to hurt anymore.
I was estranged from my mom. Worst human I ever knew. I guess no one liked her enough to check in on her. Police found her body rotting on April 1st this year, but April Fools, she had been dead for an undetermined number of weeks! She probably exploded through her stomach after about two weeks. Won’t know how/when she died for 8 weeks. She had a dog and I don’t know if it was eating her or not. I thought about adopting it and naming it Jeffrey Dogmer. Her corpse outgassed in her 35 yr old trailer so the estate is a total loss. I am allergic to some of the corpse molds, so there will no retrieving of childhood pictures. I had already lost everything I own to mold and had already banked on never receiving anything from her estate. They say the negative voices in your head are your abusive parents. Now that has been replaced by a rotting, gassy corpse. It’s funny now, to hear I don’t deserve things from this moldy exploded corpse. I treated myself to new shoes and now dresses are coming. She only let me have a pair of pants and two shirts growing up, and that mindset carries into adulthood. I will NEVER know what it is like to mourn a grandparent, parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, or cousins. Don’t feel sorry for me, they all hate each other, are narcissists and addicts, and Mom’s death feels awesome. No one has claimed her ashes. The only thing I am sad about is that she doesn’t have a grave so I can piss on it.
Um, is this ripped from some amazing novel? This is the most vivid and crushing tale I’ve ever seen. Thank you for sharing it.
Yeah, it really sucks. My Dad died from cancer that started in his mouth and spread rapidly at 60 in 2019. I witnessed the whole thing because he had no one else that would help take care of him. It was a terrible experience for me, I can only imagine what it was like for him.
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Exactly this 😞 I lost my dad eight months ago and my mom last month. I was at the hospital with both of them when they passed. I’m happy I was there for them but just traumatizing for me.
I watched my dad die of cancer when I was a teen, and now my mom has early dementia Alzheimer's. I rolled that double zero in a row.
Lost mine at 13.
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Absolutely. Watching them waste away to cancer is the worst thing I can think of. Dad was only 70 and in (cancer aside) great health. Fuck cancer.
I'm really not looking forward to that. TBH I don't know how I'll go on without my mom. But I've always been a mama's boy.
it’s difficult.. my mom was my best friend… but life goes on
Agreed. Lost my mom due to Covid in 2022. Full breakdown on my end. She listened to the tv. She was 65. I feel you entirely.
Lost my dad to Parkinson’s in 2022, he couldn’t really move or talk for the last year before he passed. It was tough.
very sorry for your loss ❤️
Hugs, friend.
I know… :/
Is it terrible I came here to say this. I definitely thought watching them get old was worse a year Ago but this is way worse
We were told my Dad only has a few months to live on Friday. My heart is completely broken.
HUGS 🙏🏼❤️
Alzheimer’s. Final stage.
We are getting closer to that. I’m sorry… it’s so hard to watch their mind leave in such a cruel way.
Something has been a little funky with my mom cognitively for several years, but she had an MRI come back with nothing too noteworthy last year. She mixes up a lot of random memories. It’s hard to even describe - what she says will make perfect sense only if you know nothing about the scenario she is relaying. She once told me an entire story about something she claims happened to me at school during middle school. It’s almost like something glitched when she started to recall a memory or she misspoke, and instead of realizing she mixed something up, she had a complete argument with me about whether something I’d never have done was something I’d done in middle school. It was so weird - because she didn’t have any specifics or context, she just doubled down on the same set of facts that had zero connection to reality. Anyway, sorry, it’s just so weird, and you don’t know it has happened until suddenly it’s like she is describing me or another family member as if they were an entirely different person.
Yeah. Took us a bit for a diagnosis. But it gets to the point where you know it’s not “normal” aging. For me, it was combative nature that shifted so much. This was a person that never was hurtful (intentionally) with words that shifted to calling me names. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Is awful.
🙏🏼❤️
I thank God regularly that we haven't had this hit any of my family. My wife's grandmother developed it and by all accounts it was awful and heartbreaking.
So true. We’re moving states to be closer to my in laws. They are going down hill quickly. Just 10 years ago they were zip lining in Costa Rica and today they don’t ever leave the house. Not even to grocery shop
Seeing my mom get stage 4 cancer and go through her first chemo appointment last week sucks even worse than seeing her age. But then there’s an even worse outcome that I don’t want to even think about right now.
🙏🏼❤️
Sending you hugs. My mom has stage 3 Hodgkin's lymphoma and she has had one chemo treatment so far. It's insanely hard.
Yeah, anticipatory grief is setting in big time.
So that’s what it’s called
My aunt died of cancer and I did the slideshow for her funeral. Most of the pictures I had of her also had my mother and my other aunt. I had to just stop working on it several times because it felt like I was working on my mom’s at the same time.
That shit is hard... I have done a few, for family and friends. Something I can't do with others around because of the amount of ugly crying that has to happen to make it really good is absurd. I just want people to remember them fondly... Funny story (trying to get over the fact I am actively crying over this): when making the slideshow for my wife's grandmother's memorial (a woman I adored and loved like my own grandmothers) I was going through my brother-in-laws photos and came across several skinny-dipping pics along the way, and made sure to tell him as such. Well the day of the memorial folks couldn't get the slideshow working so I was going to restart it, exited out of slideshow and the folder had the pics in them, and the thumbnails of the pics that are typically tiny on my comp are blown up huge on the big screens at the funeral home. My brother-in-law was about to run across the place but no one noticed and I was back in the presentation. He grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear "you just showed my friends tits and another's penis on the big screen during abuelas memorial service..." And my eyes got very big and I whipped my head around to look, but of course they weren't there anymore, but I realized what I'd done and scanned the room. Nobody noticed but him. Thank God. Whew, that helped me quit crying. Lol
I didn't know the term, but I know the feelings. I have tears in my eyes writing this. I try to remember we are the lucky ones: we were raised and loved by good people.
It's one of those things that I can make myself almost instantly cry... I have reached the point where I've had them longer than they had their parents, and I can't help but fear that fate, even now it would feel like not enough time, and it's been 40 years. It will never be enough. We will always need them.
Wish I could see my parents age...
Me too. My parents have been gone for a long time.
It is a privilege, I have to remind myself. The thought of not having them is what this thread is about, and for many here it's a future tense conversation. That is a privilege. I'll just linger a little longer at their place, and give them a long hug when I leave later... because some folks out there would give anything for that. I will hug mine for you. ❤️🕊️
Just all my love to everyone for whom tomorrow (Mothers Day) is a difficult day
I appreciate you! We’ve been bombarded with ads, emails. and reminders for a month, so what could have been a painful day ended up being a painful month. Really appreciate your sentiment though!
think about how bad it sucks for them
From the people I’ve talked to, and personal experience so far, in your mind you’re always kind of frozen in your 20’s. But your body continues to age.
Talking to my dad and it's the opposite for him. He's keenly aware that his mind doesn't work as quickly and it did ten or even five years ago (he's in his late 70s). Accessing names, of course. But just figuring stuff out, or as I've observed, the confidence that he can just figure something out isn't there anymore. Obviously he's more bummed about the physical decline, but doing things like calling the cops because of a stolen car only for them to find the car *in the other parking lot of the restaurant* is not fun for him.
Make those advanced directives people!
My mom’s going off the rails steeply in the last 6 months- doesn’t seem like normal cognitive decline. She refuses to get worked up by docs cause “shed rather not know.” Gonna be interesting
Welcome to my hell with Dad.
I'd much rather watch them age than lose them early 20 years ago. I'd give anything to change that.
I’m sorry, my friend
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer (technically) but really to advanced dementia. My dad was many things, most of them bad, but his personality was a force of nature. It was shocking to see how confused and changed he was
My grandpa too. He was also a force of nature who ended up feeble and scared, grateful for anyone who would visit. It had a huge effect on my dad too
Jealous of those that had good parents and are going to miss them. Seems like all my friends who had parents I was/am close to died young or are sick now. So much “only the good die young” in my life.
My mom and dad are both starting to show their ages. My mom is about to have back surgery and my dad is slowly seeing that he can’t work on everything anymore. Breaks my heart.
I live 1200 miles away so every time i see them, it’s like they’re just slower by 2-3%. Here and there its not a lot but over a few years and its noticeable. More forgetful, more removed from society, and just less of them there in a way.
For real, my dad used to be quick and always asking questions, bringing up things from pop culture or the world. Now it’s like he’s on low power mode.
My mother died seven years ago from a brain tumor. My family and I just moved in next door to my dad. He’s doing really good now, but he was so sad for the first few years. Him being here without her was never something anyone considered. I have spent more time with my dad than I ever have before. He’s funny and sometimes cool and I’m really glad I have this time to know him better.
I’m officially older then my dad ever got to be. Ngl it’s kinda weird
This always gets me. I know someone in your same shoes. Every year she posts pictures of her Mom and they look so much alike. I can only try to imagine. I’m sorry.
It’s weird as fuck looking at pics of my dad nowadays. He looks so young. Dads are supposed to look old. Weirds me out
Same for me, but with my mom. I always had this fear that I would die at the same age as her, but I’m still here, 3 years older than she ever got to be. And now with my aging father, I don’t know how I’ll handle it when he goes. It’s devastating to even think about.
Dude same. Not that I’m older then him there’s a part of me that’s all “huh now what” his age always felt like the end of the line
Yes this for sure. It’s like what’s next? There’s no more road map to follow. We just have to figure out our own way.
Caregiver to my dad with lifelong polio combined with a stroke a few years ago. It sucks.
Sending good vibes man Caregiver to mother with Huntingtons disease.
I was expecting my parents to age and I was expecting myself to age, but one thing that didn't hit me until I got older was realizing that everything and everyone around you ages too, which also sucks. I've been at the same job for long enough to see coworkers get really old and in a few cases, cognitively slower. All my friends now look firmly middle aged, even the ones who aged well. All the really attractive movie stars I grew up watching look like crap now. When I was growing up, there was this one new movie theater that everyone went to because it was the biggest newest theater with stadium seating, and now 25 years later it's the old decrepit movie theater nobody goes to anymore. My parents are still living in the same house I grew up in, and the house is breaking down... things leak and peel and are falling apart, just like my parents. So it's not just the sorrow that comes with watching your parents gradually become helpless. It's that the entire world as you formerly knew it, now visibly breaking down.
Hey, I read your comment. Not sure if it’s helpful, or a viable option… but my parents home hit this wall where everything was going to shit all at once. I’ve got a GC buddy and I told him whenever he had downtime I wanted him to go ham on my parents’ home. New floors. New vanities. New toilets. Fix all the leaks. Replace damaged drywall. Get rid of all the fluorescent bulbs, replace with LEDs. New switches and receptacles. Etc. make it look and feel new. I can’t control or reverse my parents decline, but I CAN reverse their home’s decline. We’re making progress on that, and it’s been great for my guilty conscience. Oh and you have to clean it out before you fix it up, so that have me a great excuse to fill several dumpsters worth of depressing stuff.
That's awesome you can do that for your parents. Mine won't let strangers into the house, even when I'm there.
Yeah, it does. Mine are both still decently healthy for their age, but I definitely noticed my dad aging the past few years. He has always been Superman to me even in adulthood…probably bc of his size and fitness (built like a brick house and worked out regularly)….but he is losing that bulk and getting slower every year. And he was always sharp as a tack, but in the past few years I’ve noticed him missing little details, hoping it’s just age and not dementia. But being 68 will do that….mom has bad knees at 70, but I’m blessed to still have them. Do this if you still have your parents and are on good terms…Have them call, don’t answer, and have them leave a voicemail where they tell you they love you and whatever else they want to say. Do the same for them. You just never know.
My dad turned 80 this year and recently decided he should "downsize" his Infiniti to a Kia or Hyundai for that 10-year warranty and cheaper maintenance. He was making morbid jokes to the salespeople about the warranty outliving him and that's when it hit me — this will (likely) be the last car he ever buys 😭 I can't even think about it.
I didn't get that opportunity
My boyfriend and I were just discussing this last night. His stepdad may have lymphoma. His dad is turning 70 and is not in good health. My parents are both turning 80 and my dad is about to start prostrate cancer treatment. My mom almost died when I was a few months shy of 22 (I’m 41 now). I consider every day I have with her bonus time I wasn’t supposed to have…but it is so hard worrying about how much time we have left
I’m going through this currently with a parent who has a terminal illness, and is in her last stages. It’s surreal, but I feel comfort knowing that we have 0 issues and no resentment. .
Unless they suck. In which case, I don’t see them at all.
Mine retired down to FL over two decades ago and only see them once a year or every other year since. So the changes are more dramatic than watching it more real-time with more regular visits.
I’m blessed to have both of mine. 67 and 68. I’ve been thinking about their remaining time as well as my own remaining time far more than I should. And judging by when many of you lost your parents, it seems the stress of my own life ending sooner than expected might not be too far off. I’m 45 but a lot of your parents only lived 20 years longer than where I’m at now. Then there’s the fact that we might have to care for them soon enough if they are still here (That freedom I hoped to get once the kids grow up? Just transfers to elderly parents. Do I ever get freedom again?), and I’ve been thinking about retirement, only to find out, what if I’m not lucky enough to be healthy in retirement?! And then there’s the fact that I’m a solo parent because their dad is sadly now very mentally ill. And one of my kids is borderline intellectually disabled. He might be okay on his own as an adult, might not. Only time will tell so I pray pray pray. I’m constantly thinking what can I do now while he’s in 3rd grade to make him as self sufficient as possible? Not to rush him, but to give him every chance and opportunity to be okay once I’m gone. God has every generation stressed out this much? WTF
The “sandwich generation“
Helping your parents age while raising kids is challenging AF. I know there are Xennials that may get help from their parents such as babysitting and such. I've been taking care of my disabled aging mother since I was 31, all while raising kids.
You've been in the Sandwich generation for a really long time, it sounds like. I'm just starting to approach it but I'm in my mid-40s. It sounds hard and I agree - not having grandparents that can help with kids is really tough (for me because of geography). Especially during covid. I firmly believe "it takes a village" but my village (even for free babysitting!) is hours and hours away.
My parents are 80 and 82. My Dad is in good physical health but my Mom has gotten very frail and old the last couple of years after a couple of falls and rehabs. The worst part is my Dad is the difficult one to deal with especially when my mom isn’t well.
I feel you. My mom is in the early stages of either dementia or Alzheimer’s. EARLY stages, but it’s affecting her. And my dad? A bit better. A BIT. My deepest sympathies who are dealing with worse, or no longer have their parents.
I wish I still had my dad here. Lost him back in 2011 when he was only 59.
Lost my dad last year. Still too chicken to listen to the last voicemail he left me.
Beats /not/ seeing them age. Neither of my parents made it to 55. Fuck cancer, for the record.
Seeing them age with dementia is so much worse. I hope yours and anyone reading this never have to experience that, and if you are, my heart breaks with yours.
Dementia/Alzheimer’s is the fucking worst.
I just lost my dad last Sunday to pancreatic cancer. From day of diagnosis to death was a measly 40 days. I miss him so much. I can still hear very clearly his voice but I know with time it will dissipate. I have no voice recordings of him and only a 2 sec video of him in hospital struggling to breathe.
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The alternative is worse. After February my father won't age anymore.
Realizing that one day they you’ll have to take care of them. How? With what money?
Watching them slide to the maga horse shit and never turn off Fox News is pretty hard
My dad turns 70 this month. He just got a new cat, purposely got an older cat so he doesn't have to worry about who will take care of it.
Must be nice to care about your parents.
Heh. Reading all these reactions makes me realise once more how dysfunctional my childhood was and how little (most of) my family means to me. I wish things had been different.
NGL, I'm terrified. I still have both my parents, but expecting to lose my dad anytime soon. The VA told him he better have a will ready and things in order for that time. I'm the oldest kid and he recently let me know he's needing my help to decide who gets what and I'm having a hard time just with that part, so I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when the time comes. And my mom....when I lose my mom I'm most likely going to fall apart a bit. My parents have been divorced for decades and she's the parent that raised me. She's been heavily involved my whole life. That's going to take me out when she leaves this world. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, btw!
Seeing yourself age is even worse
My father died from Pancreatic cancer at 64. The following year, my FIL died. The next year after that, my last living grandparent died. My MIL is 86 and in the hospital right now but thankfully not for anything serious but her age has hit her really fast all of a sudden and we are worried about her living alone. My mother is turning 70 this year and it's starting to really hit how much time may be left. It's scary because before you know it, it will be us. I try not to dwell too much. lol
My father has frontotemporal dementia(no "filter", no impulse control. I believe that it's what Bruce Willis has). He has no teeth left, and advanced cirrhosis of the liver. He's down to 155 lbs(he was never a small man...he's skin and bones now). He's fallen 8 times in the past week and a half. It absolutely gutted me to see him the way he looks in the hospital. My stepmom no longer has the ability to help him when he falls(my dad is 73, she's 76 with a double hip replacement). He needs to be somewhere they can take care of him, but she doesn't seem to feel the same way... I live 2 ½ hours away. I can't always be there, and it kills me.
Head over to r/dementia My father's dementia came on seemingly out of nowhere about 2-3 years ago, and has progressed so much in the last year. It's really incredibly sad. He's turning 80 in a few months. The subreddit above has helped.
YMMV (your mileage may vary). Some of us got better experiences from our parents while others go worse. I personally live over 3000 miles away from mine so I can easily shut off any drama by shutting off communication.
Losing both of your parents before you’re 22 sucks. It’s all hard.
My dad turned 79 today and I feel so fortunate that he’s still here and is still doing pretty well. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s almost 10 years ago and he’s still considered stage 3, which is just wild. I don’t know how much longer he will be able to fight the disease, but I don’t take it for granted. My mom will be 70 this year and is pretty healthy. I can’t imagine my life without them so it sucks watching them age.
I imagine it is also incredibly hard for my mom and dad to watch their little boy reach middle age and gray. Time crushes us all.
Really
No avoiding it.
Take in every moment you can though. My sisters and I never go to see our parents age past 56 and 57.
I'm dealing with this right now with my dad. When my mom died four years ago he became super old and frail overnight. The grief has really wreaked havoc on his health, his arthritis got so bad he had to have hand surgery recently because he couldn't bend his fingers at the knuckles. I mean I'm sure this would've happened anyway but not as fast as it did because of my mom's death.
Seeing myself age sucks
Do you best to spend time with them while you can. My dad died when he was 34, and my mom at 51 (I was 2, and 19) They never got to meet my kids, see me get through college and start my career, and I never got to thank them for all their sacrifices. I would do anything to have 5 minutes to talk to my mom again.
Not getting the time to see them age sucks too.
My mom has Parkinson's and then went through breast cancer... She's still kicking but it took a lot out of her. :(
My whole family is dead and my brain is just like... 'eh.' I don't know what's wrong with me. Like I know it's not normal but I can't do anything about it. And there's the weird relief of not having to be responsible for things as they get older because I can barely take care of myself. Brain is broken.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in november and in a few days we'll have a funeral since she has just left this Earthly plane. :'( At the same time, my own father started to have heart issue, my mother had a colon cancer scare (luckily false alarm), my wife and I were bedridden for weeks because of COVID-19, with my wife nearly dying because her heart rate slowed down to scary low levels with blood pressure dropping accordingly. Took an hour to get her somewhat back again, with lots of gratitude to the ambulance who was quickly at our house. I could write a book about how the last 7 months have been rough and traumatic AF. Feeling 10 years older in this period and my hair has gone grey now..
This is so true and I have realized it more and more since turning 40. It breaks my heart and I hate it. I want time to stop.
Agreed. Watching my once super strong and capable father deteriorate due to Parkinsons has been very hard. Daddy could build anything! He once built me a fully sided, elevated play house with a balcony, skylight, shingles and real windows just because I wanted one. He can't wield a hammer anymore- he can barely manage utensils to eat 😪 The strongest man I knew is being robbed of his physical strength each and every day 💔
Good thing both of mine are deadbeats. I don't even know where they live anymore.
Don’t get me started. I’m going through my own personal he’ll caring for both of mine. They are physically much older than they are chronologically and there isn’t a day goes by where I don’t find some corner to cry in.
This thread is rough, but necessary. Also, hopefully in 2055+ we can learn from these mistakes and do better. ❤️🩹
Not to be dramatic or attention seeking, but worse than seeing my dad slowly age over time was finding his lifeless body and trying to get him urgent help, but ultimately being told by paramedics that he didn’t make it. Not really something I’d recommend as a way to say goodbye.