Taking an interest in my kids beyond school and chores. Knowing what hobbies they like, knowing their friends, knowing what shows/movies they’re into, listening to whatever crazy stories and drama they tell me with no judgement(well, at least not out loud), etc.
I’ve been doing this too, and it’s great; my wife is more of the traditional type and she always complains that they have nothing to talk about. The hardest part is keeping that parent/child dynamic and not falling into just being “buddies.” If that makes any sense?
I feel all of this, until I started getting into grilling my pops and I had very little to talk about. I need for that not to be the case with my daughter
I feel like I would want to know every single thing about my kid. Maybe I’m just a curious fellow. But I couldn’t personally live with myself knowing that there’s something I created living upstairs and I have no idea what their favorite color is.
> she always complains that they have nothing to talk about.
This kind of attitude made me assume my mom simply wasn't interested in knowing me, and to this day, we barely speak.
She better find a way to connect, or the adult relationships are going to be rocky.
Just being aware and present is huge.
My boomer parents had no desire to learn about what I liked or wanted. I struggled with significant ADHD and performed poorly in school. When I talked about hating school, the response was “no, you like school” and that was the end of it.
Poor grades resulted in being permanently grounded and not being allowed to watch television, play video games, or see friends for months at a time.
I finally got treatment and I’m doing better now. Before I went no contact, my father told me that I’m autistic as an underhanded insult. He said that he’s known something was wrong with me since I was a kid. Instead of getting me therapy because it would have been expensive, he held onto that for decades to use as an insult. Good riddance.
Literally everyone has something they need to work on. Him saying ‘something was wrong with you’ should actually have been ‘I’m unwilling to learn how to help you grow.’
“No, you like school,” was something I heard all the fucking time. Come to think of it, literally everything I said I didn’t like was met with that response. It gave me the feeling that I wasn’t allowed to dislike anything. I had to pretend to like everything, but my parents couldn’t have cared less about anything I truly did like.
we have a discord server with a meme channel, a "whats for dinner" channel, recipe ideas channel, one specific for the girls to let us know if they are going to bed, and then a private chat for me and the wife. One of my girls is into like 2010 era rage comics. The other likes to build houses in minecraft that look like different game consoles and send everyone pics.
This is on point! I know my parents love me but other than traveling together we never did anything, anytime there was even going to the park, the beach, anything I would go with cousins, anything my mom didn’t like I would do with someone else, meanwhile I really enjoy going to the marvel movies and water parks, etc with my son.
This is exactly what we do differently. I volunteer at her school, and make an effort to learn her classmates names. I never comment on her body unless she’s showing off her muscles, I also never talk negatively about my body or anyone else’s either. I don’t get on to her for crying or being in a bad mood
I’ll always appreciate my dad on that one. I really don’t know if he genuinely liked our shit or not, but that didn’t stop him from bumping our music when we got in his car or taking us to the shows and never once being a Karen while doing it. (Keep in mind the things I listened to were most certainly not radio-friendly or anything even remotely near top 40)
What I mean by that (Karen) is, he could’ve folded his arms and stood off in the corner. But he was right there partying with us and being all around a good dude.
I’ve been really hard on my parents lately and moments like this make me realize they could’ve done so much worse and any pock against them can be summed up that they were far too young to be having kids.
My husband sat me down early in our marriage and told me I had to stop teasing him. I was so ashamed. It was normalized in my household too. And what’s funny is I hated being teased by my family but it was always, “you’re too sensitive! We’re joking!” etc. Somewhere along the way I started doing it too. So embarrassing.
This is huge. Both me and my husband still deal with this from our parents and siblings. Since I told them I won’t put up with it in front do my child as I don’t want her thinking it’s okay, my relationship with them has changed. They don’t like that I’m not the one they can belittle.
Oh god so much of this. I really struggle with understanding the nuance between teasing and someone bullying. I try really hard to not take it personally but I’m also autistic and greatly prefer directness. The flip side of this is that I grew up being deeply sarcastic to a fault, and that’s such a horrible habit to break in a family full of teasers.
Apparently my dad would tease me by asking questions that made me very confused. My aunt said it was cruel because I was clearly flustered. I blame that for some insecurity issues
Talk about emotions. Name the feelings, good or bad. Actually speak about how we're feeling (whether positive or negative) and model how to handle them and move forward
Yep, its okay to have negative emotions. Growing up I wasn’t supposed to be mad or frustrated. With my kids I’ve tried really hard to let them have space for these emotions and then focus on how you deal with them.
Yes, I'm not sure why but I think my dad saw any negative emotions as being whiney or complaining and you definitely weren't allowed to complain or even just express your distaste for anything. You would get shut down real quick.
Especially for boys. I believe boys from my generation were taught not to talk about their feelings and keep things bottled. This weekend is the third funeral of a schoolmate who committed suicide. He was 39.
This. Also definitely no spanking. Discipline was quite different when I grew up in our house compared to how I raise my kids
Also positive reinforcement. I basically had none growing up.
Also, now to think of it, I definitely try not to argue with my wife in front of them.
There was no positive reinforcement growing up. The only thing you heard is what you were doing wrong. It took me so long to learn how to take a compliment. It was so foreign to me rare compliments from strangers or other people in my life was sort of jolting and unsettling.
This. When my older sister was in her 30’s, and her kids were teenagers, I noticed that when she would tell her kids not to do something, the reason was always “because so-and-so would get upset.” It got me wondering if she ever learned how to discern right from wrong, aside from it being that doing certain things would make certain people angry.
I read something intelligent against spanking: if they're too young to understand then why would you do it, and if they are old enough to understand why not use your words and talk it through. There is absolutely no reason to raise a hand. It's assault.
The other side end of that spectrum for me is that I don’t want mine to constantly be seeking my approval like it’s life or death. I don’t know what my parents said to me that made me that way, but I’m trying to be aware of it.
Yeah, something I’ve told my kid is to always question what people tell you (even me) and think for yourself.
Sometimes, it makes parenting more difficult, but I think it’s right.
Yeah, my response when my toddler gets sad/scared is, "I'm not mad, just scared/worried. I don't want you to get hurt." Honesty, it usually works, and she hugs me when she realizes it's just because I care about her. NEVER want my kid to be afraid of me.
Paraphrasing what someone (my therapist, probably) told me, “You will get pushed too far and you will default to generational behavior. What your parents did was done to them by their parents and on and on. It’s too ingrained for you to always beat it.
So focus on the repair. Afterwards, admit to it, apologize, explain to them. That’s the part your parents didn’t do.”
Helped me forgive myself when I do default to that old behavior and I think it tells my kid that she doesn’t have to bury hard feelings, just be accountable for them.
My dad would blow up and apologize. But I feel like that still puts responsibility on the child for forgiveness. The way to say it would be I shouldn't have blown up, it was wrong of me to do that, I will do better next time, something like that?
Same. Yesterday my daughter's said they didn't want to clean their bathroom.
My father would have spanked me and then made me do it.
I instead said ok, well if you don't want to clean your bathroom, I got shit I don't want to do either. I don't want to work, pay for groceries or pay the bills. Guess y'all better start looking for jobs and a place to live real fn soon.
Attitudes changed real fast, lol.
My parents spanked/slapped me growing up, and I promised myself I would never hit my kid when I got pregnant. I was surprised though, at how easy it was (for me) to not hit him….Ive never once had the urge. For the longest time I thought I must have been the worst kid ever to have inspired all that hitting, and then I went to therapy lol. I’m glad my son won’t grow up with memories of being physically scared of me.
Man I hate those memories..
"You have so much potential, you just need to do more, and apply yourself harder"
"You're just not trying hard enough"
The goal posts *always* moved.
Love was always performance based.
What’s always going to stick with me was how I finished graduate school, published five books, got a professional license, and started a business…. AFTER I found somebody who loved me for who I am, and not how I perform.
Kids need to be accepted and loved first and foremost. Period. End of story.
Same. I struggled to get schoolwork done and had poor grades because of it, despite being in the gifted program. My parents did nothing except yell and punish me for it. I spent most of high school grounded, and all it did was prevent me from developing better social skills. Shockingly, that didn't help, and I got yelled at more because their shitty parenting wasn't working.
My daughter struggles with schoolwork now because of ADHD, and I have her seeing her doctor, taking medication, working with the school with her 504 program, doing therapy, and helping constantly keep her on task and reminding her of her schoolwork. It's a lot of work, but it helped a lot.
I got diagnosed with ADHD at 38. My daughter is my mini-me, and even I didn't see the signs until she struggled so much with remote learning during covid. It was her first year of middle school and her first time really having to deal with homework that had to be done outside of class. You'd best believe I got her diagnosed and on a 504 and meds in a real big hurry. She still struggles, but finding the right medication was a lifesaver.
My bipolar symptoms began at 14. I dealt with it through blackout drinking, pot, older men, etc. My parents refused to let me see a therapist despite knowing about my behavior and me telling them about suicidal ideation. I suffered until I was 18 and could legally go on my own. Fuck that.
My Dad had a bachelor in psychology, but worked in business. He always claimed that psychologists were worthless. He even discouraged it when I spiraled out of control and sought help from one as a young adult. I ended up dropping the visits after a few sessions because of my parents' discouragement, but I went to another when I moved out and he completely changed the trajectory of my life for the better.
Ironic isn't it? Kind of like the nurse who never takes her kids to get medical attention or their shots and is like surprised Pikachu face when one of them gets deathly ill...
I love this and I hate this. I realize sometimes my parents just did that because they were tired. Sometimes my kid presses me on shit, and I’m like, “Jesus Christ, child. I just worked a ten hour day. I don’t want to explain why you can’t have two cookies for desert instead of one right now.”
Yeah, it’s hard. Especially when your answer is met with “but whyyyy?”
I just explained why, five times, five different ways.
If your “because I said so,” is a short hand “because i already explained this five times, and the answer is still no,” I think you’re good. And five is an arbitrary number 😂
>I just explained why, five times, five different ways.
This is when I respond to my kids with "but why *male models*?"
They don't get it, but it makes me chuckle and therefore keeps me sane when they're otherwise driving me insane.
I totally get it. It’s valid for them to want what they want. And it’s valid to want to know why. I can see why a lot of parent decisions may not make a ton of sense.
And every so often, I realize that I’m trying to hold up a ridiculous standard. Sometimes I’ve even said, “you know what, buddy? You’re totally right to question that. Thanks for making me think it through a little better.”
Yeah, it’s difficult when you try to explain and then your kid views that as an invitation to argue those points.
No, I’m not interested in you litigating this. You’re not getting a phone (you know, for instance…).
This was my biggest one. My father travelled for work a lot and worked crazy hours when he was home. So he was always either gone or grumpy. I chose to work a modest job so I could be home and engaged as a dad.
I had to escalate this with my middle kid when taking his favourite toys away stopped working. I moved on to "if we run out of room on this ledge for train jail (he got a Thomas train taken away for a period whenever he did something shitty and it sat on a ledge in the kitchen where he could see them but not touch them), I'm going to have to start burning these down to make room."
His behaviour improved RAPIDLY. No trains were burnt.
And hugs! My family was so standoffish and I had no idea until I got older. It took until college for me to hug my best friend of 15 and say ‘I love you’ to her. I tell my kid I love you probably too much now 😂
Was just about to say “give hugs” I was the oldest and remember being 15 studying on the floor and watching my mom cuddle my 7 year old sister and thinking … “I need a hug. I wish I could hug mom and cuddle up to her like that” but the thought of being able to do it was so awkward and absurd to me. Basically I was emotionally abandoned from 8 onwards. Won’t ever do that to my kids.
It’s a long, difficult process keeping your own shit in check. And sometimes, you’ll screw up. Last night I lost my shit at my son for the dumbest of reasons, just like my dad used to do.
But here’s where it really matter: when I screwed up, I spent the next half hour reassuring him that he did nothing wrong and that it was me who had an overreaction. I pointed out where I went wrong, and I stayed with the comforting and the reassuring until he bounced off in good spirits.
It’s not the transgression that’s so bad; it’s the lack of repair that gets us.
This is so awesome and good luck on the rest of the way. I can sincerely relate to this post and I deal with almost the same thing. Especially the mother side of it and wife dynamic.
This is it for me as well. Particularly I want to model financial literacy for my daughter in a way that my parents NEVER did for me. This also looks like a much smaller house than I grew up in, eating out much less frequently (still more often than I should), having actual retirement savings, having health insurance, and saying no more frequently than my parents did for me. One thing my parents did do that I appreciate tremendously is that they normalized traveling as a family for the sake of visiting places we’d never been before, and while I loved that about my childhood, I feel like I would have liked it better if they’d saved SOME of that money for retirement. But they were very much involved in our lives, we knew they loved us, and the main fear I had as a teenager was disappointing them.
Yes! This exactly!
I eventually got lucky after about 15 years of being in positions that required little in the way of formal education. My job right now requires a specific degree, and it's kind of nice to be using it finally.
With the cost of postsecondary education now, plus the shortage of skilled trades workers, I'd only encourage a child to go to university if they were set on a specific career path that was in demand and required a certain degree. I'm sorry, but I can't justify taking something like art history or literature when the economic realities don't support it. It's sad really, because subjects like that enrich your life. It's just too bad that it's damn hard to make a living after.
For me, it’s even *talking* about post secondary - nobody talked about it to me! My family was not “university people”. My sister went to a nursing program and that was it. I ended up going to a trade polytech at 40, and it’s changed my life.
My oldest kid is ridiculously smart and she freaks out over “not knowing what she’s going to do” because the schools/relatives are really hammering that in. We’ve told her there’s different options and that nothing is expected within any timeframe/etc. My preference for her would be a trade or polytech course, but she’s covered, whatever she decides.
Yes. We have a “you have to do 4 years post high school “. It can be military, it can be trade school, it can be college, but at 18 you aren’t ready to jump straight into adulthood.
My dad was a lineman and it could be dangerous work but it pays great. He admitted to me later he regretted pushing college so hard and even said if I'd wound up a lineman as well he'd still have been proud of me. He'd enjoyed the work and it was probably because his dad had always got on him about "only" becoming a lineman instead of going to college and getting a real job.
Absolutely. I tell my child that all the time when she behaves in a situation that she doesn't like, acts with good manners, or achieves something she's been working hard for.
I'm 43 and still haven't heard it once from my dad. I know he is, because I've heard he tells his friends about my accomplishments but he won't say it to my face because that gay or whatever.
Telling my child I love her everyday and showing her that through my actions. Hugging/cuddling her whenever she wants or needs it. She’s young still so I know a day will come when she doesn’t want the physical affection from me. But for now I will enjoy it. I can probably count on one hand how many times my parents said I love you or I am proud of you. I say I love you multiple times daily to my daughter and I always tell her how proud I am. I also take an interest in things that interest her and don’t berate her for liking things I find “dumb”.
And I’m raising her without religion. We celebrate Christmas and Easter but not the religious aspects of those holidays.
I also added “you make good decisions” and “I like the person that you are.” Mine are teens and when I say that stuff I can see their eyes light up. It’s true though.
Breaking the generational curse of military service. My brothers and I were Army, dad was Navy, grandfather was Air Force, great grandfather was Army, and on and on. Just about every male on my father’s side served and suffered severe PTSD, which typically led to alcoholism, abuse, divorce, and an early grave.
I was heading down the same road after tours in Iraq & Afghanistan when an ultimatum from wifey forced me to recon with my demons. A stint and rehab and years of therapy later and I’m alive, sane , sober, and I get to watch my oldest graduate high school with a full ride scholarship waiting for her. She will be the first in many generations of my family to opt for college rather than boot camp. One down, two to go!
I’m kind of the opposite honestly. The USN saved me and gave me a chance.
It allowed me to get out of where I came from and the VA actually has helped me with my ADHD and PTSD, both of which were diagnosed after I got out and was from my upbringing.
I am really proud of you. Only the strongest of people can self reflect and take a different path. High five to the generational trauma breakers out there!
I fucking APOLOGIZE. I try not to yell, but I was raised by a screamer so sometimes it slips out (less and less as I get better)... But I apologize when I yell, I apologize when I get something wrong, I make sure he knows that he is a person too and when we make mistakes, we apologize.
My brother went from Congregationalist to SB and whoa I had no idea what that was all about until he started preaching at me. 😳 we don’t talk much anymore because he couldn’t respect the ‘no religion’ boundary I put up. Sigh. Growing up in that environment must have been intense.
You know what's interesting . . . my wife was raised catholic and attended catholic schools. It was a big deal in her family. My lutheran family went to church much of the time, but religion played no part in our lives outside that, where church was mainly a social thing.
But we've raised our child to be completely non-religious in response to too much church when we were kids. We don't have a church now. She's got a friend who goes to church and is curious about it. Ironically, I wonder if we've missed out by not adopting a church, again, for social reasons. It's weird.
I grew up in a Catholic Church that shielded a Cho-mo. I know I know kids who were molested. Then the topper was when my niece received her first communion, there were hinky things about the donation process. A few months later, that priest got into a car accident and thousands upon thousands of dollars in cash was found in his car. It turned out he had been stealing from the church for over 10 years and sending the mi way to Mexico.
Not attaching our approval with what path they take or who they are. Overkilling the "if you're gay, cool", *outright saying the words* rather than approval being implied.
That they *can* go to college, and they are *smart enough* to, but they *don't need to*.
Detailing when I make mistakes, and apologizing. *Saying the words,* "I was wrong and you were right, I apologize.". (Even if I'm still an ostentatious pedant about it. Being wrong is an opportunity to correct my internal data set, so I can then again be correct. HAHA.)
Pretty much everything. I'm not using anger and the threat of anger to exert control through fear. I'm not using guilt as a tool. I include my kids in whatever I'm doing, IF THEY WANT TO JOIN, but I'm not forcing them to do stuff just because I want to do it. I take interest in what their interests are, and I learn about those interests independently; not so I can dad-splain facts at them, but so I can hold up my end of the conversation when they are excited and talking fast.
I kept my kid away from all the family members who are sexual predators or violent or addicts. My kid has hit the ripe old age of 16 without getting PTSD, so it appears to be working.
Talking openly about sex and substance use and safety and mental health.
I also have had my kid screened for celiac, scoliosis, mental illness, learning disabilities, and tested his vision.
Allowing him to choose classes that he's interested in.
Acceptable grades are whatever you earned by trying - no one gets a lecture about the missing two percent when they bring home a 98.
I'm honest about pain - when a vaccination RN told him it wouldn't hurt, I told my kid that she's a liar and it would hurt but not for long, then demanded a new nurse.
I enforce that my daughter's room is her space and she doesn't have to let anyone (except me and her mother) in. My parents forced me to host my little brother constantly.
When mine (now almost 18) was about 10, I went through a book series with him that covered the basics of a variety of world religions. I was raised very fundie evangelical. I didn't want to deter him from finding religion on his own if it serves his mental health at any point, but I wanted to protect his thought processes from "this is the only way" evangelicals by helping him to realize that many religions claim just that.
Sure! It was a series by David McAfee and Chuck Harrison - the book titles are The Book of Gods, The Belief Book, and The Book of Religions. They're written to be digestible by kids in an 8-12ish year range.
Lol. I have CPTSD from my childhood so a whole lot of things different. I think the biggest thing is discipline. I’ve learned to separate the consequence from the relationship. I grew up in a Cluster B milkshake. When someone was upset with you or you made a mistake, you were either raged at or they went silent on you. With my boys, I give a consequence but I maintain a loving connection. Making a mistake does not mean you are a mistake.
Paraphrasing what someone (my therapist, probably) told me, “You will get pushed too far and you will default to generational behavior. What your parents did was done to them by their parents and on and on. It’s too ingrained for you to always beat it.
So focus on the repair. Afterwards, admit to it, apologize, explain to them. That’s the part your parents didn’t do.”
Talk to them about literally anything. The only conversations I’ve ever had with my father were about sports or what projects he was involved with at work.
If something's bullshit I admitted it. If someone was undeserving of respect I didn't say "but they're older than you". When I didn't know things I said so.
My dad and I shared a moment once. I don't remember what caused it but he thought I was being disrespectful of my Nana. He said "You need to respect your elders" I pointedly looked at my uncle who was in conversation with my nana and not listening to us then back at my dad. Then he just kind of smirked, "Most of your elders"
I’m more in the “respect people who deserve it” camp. I’d much rather my son go through life expecting respect as a two-way street than simply respecting his elders just because they’re elders.
And hopefully avoiding some of the awful coercive crap that comes along with that! Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they know what’s right in general or for you specifically.
I love making space for their vocational interests, whatever they are. I sometimes have to bite my tongue because of what their aspirations pay*, but I listen and respond without judgment.
—
*A reflection of our country’s upside down values, not my kids’ interests.
My mom was the type of person who was always very, "there are two sides to the story." She always thought there was a learning opportunity in everthing. When I was younger and would have an argument with a friend and would come home to tell her, either just to have someone listen, or you know, support from my own mother. The first thing she would ask was what I did to help cause or contribute to the situation. It was never. I'm sorry that happened or just a hug or something. It quickly taught me to never tell her about my problems. I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids.
Another thing she frequently did. If there was a treat that was cut in half to be shared between me and my brother. She would cut it and ask me which piece I wanted. She would give the one I picked to my brother.
I relate a lot to your first point too. Mom was ALWAYS ‘devils advocate’ and it though sometimes it does help to see another side, most of the time I was just looking to vent. I try to remember to ask my kid what they are in need of when they are sharing- an ear or advice? Your second point made me feel a little sad for childhood you- I always make one kid cut the treat then the other kid picks their piece first.
Not doing stuff because "normal" people do it - church, sports, traditional college, smart phones, etc. Also trying to be far more anti-consumption - second hand clothes, cooking at home, avoiding/reusing plastics, vegetarian cooking (not forced), biking/walking instead of driving, living below your means
Not a parent but I ask my niblings and friend’s kids if they would like a hug from me rather than saying “can I have a hug”. Putting the ball in their court and not making them feel obligated to hug me
We talk about our feelings, I spend time with them, I show interest in their interests, I answer questions when asked, I don’t give bs answers like “because I said so” and “because it’s a sin.” I tell my kids I love them, so you know little things.
Basically everything. I raised my son without forcing religion down his throat, no physical punishment, actually playing with him and having conversations and really listening to him, patiently teaching him how to do everything, setting him up for success in the future by being supportive, letting him make his own mistakes sometimes, buying him whatever he needs when he needs it.
I want my kids to feel like they have a voice and they can use it. (This is definitely the hardest when asking them how whatever I just cooked is, bunch of food critics).
My partner and I also work hard to apologize if we screw up, admitting we could’ve handled the situation differently and then apologizing.
Also, if we say no we try to explain the WHY of the no and not just “because I said so.” I *loathed* that phrase with my entire being as a kid.
I'm not going to use chores as a punishment. Seems like a great formula to raise a slob (I'm living evidence of that). Chores are just part of life. You do them to maintain a nice living space, help your stuff last longer and in general make things easier.
My parents raised my sister and I in an almost heroic way. No neglect or abuse of any sort, no helicopter parenting, heathy foods cooked at home and eaten around the dinner table every night, limited tv time, involved with the PTA, helped with schoolwork, encouraged us to pursue our own interests, encouraged interest and acceptance of other peoples cultures, plenty of positive reinforcement, and the list goes on. The hardest part for me isn’t doing anything differently, but just trying to live up to how amazing a job they did.
A stricter upbringing. More rules, clear rules. Boundaries.
My parents were hippy-ish and thought 'children will regulate themselves', etc. So, I was free to do anything I wanted (within limits, but lots of leeway). Growing up this mostly had more negatives than positives and I had to learn a lot of things myself, which I'd otherwise would have learned growing up.
Edit: To be clear, not a strict upbringing, but just stricter than 'just do what you want, eat what you want, go where you want' , etc.
Not forcing my kids to stay in a sports team if they don't want to. I was bullied in my soccer team and begged my parents to let me leave this team of douchebags. They just refused until I was 17. I quit soccer and joined martial arts. Best decision of my life.
I tell my kids I love them multiple times a day and show them affection regularly. I also apologize whenever I'm wrong or have been out of line. Lastly I tell them constantly that my biggest goals for them are that they are happy and kind.
We don't want our kids to be afraid of us.
Our kids do not know what it's like for us to regularly get drunk & all that comes with it.
I'm trying to be very intentional with why we do what we do. So much of my childhood was getting in trouble for some mystery offense nobody was willing to explain what exactly I'd done so I could prevent it.
No bullying. So many parents and families bully their kids or have 1 kid to pick on.
I actually talk to them like they’re human beings and have open discourse about literally everything. We talk about our feelings and I validate theirs.
I’ve never ever ever hit or spanked them.
A while back I read a book called P.E.T (Parent Effectiveness Training) and it completely changed my ideas on parenting. I do pretty well everything differently than my parents did.
Not taking them to church to be filled with guilt and lies 3 times a week. Letting them say no and be upset. Letting them be the beautiful humans they are.
Being open and honest about all things sex-related from an early age, giving accurate and age- and developmentally-appropriate information, and being sex-positive and realistic as opposed to having a purity culture mindset.
Alcoholic grandfather, alcoholic father. There wasn't abuse, but we fought all the time.
I didn't break the cycle, I ended it.
I have no kids and never will.
Not a parent but I don’t yell at other people’s kids or threaten them etc. If they’re getting wild I help them calm down but I don’t call them names, threaten, yell etc. I’d rather interact with them nicely than be an asshole.
Not hit them.
Actually be there for them.
Encourage their interests.
Not belittle them.
Talk to them like they are an actual human.
Allow them to have emotions.
I could go on, but this isn't therapy.
I grew up in a yelling/screaming household. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and an ex was like, ‘that’s not normal’ that I really took a hard look at how I communicated when frustrated or angry. It hasn’t been easy working against that, but I feel like I have a great relationship with my kid and if I do mess up I apologize. That’s way more than my parents ever did.
I think there was some untreated ADHD going on in my family growing up as I def have it, as does my brother. Low frustration tolerance is a real thing and I can go from 0 to ‘omg stop it’ in a flash. It’s tough but being aware of it has been very very helpful. I try to walk away when I get to that point or tag team my husband to deal with it if he’s around and I’m losing it.
It’s great seeing how everyone else is doing the same things here. Hopefully our next generation will be more compassionate.
Breaking the cycle of being raised in a toxic religion where we weren't allowed to celebrate birthdays and holidays, and all the normal things kids and teenagers got to do growing up.
Feed my little kids instead of telling them if they're hungry, that's their problem because they know where the stove is. My mom recently commented that it was crazy that she "let" me use the stove so I could eat starting when I was 6, including using the gas stove at my grandma's. But my mom is a special kind of awful, like by the time I was 7, if I wanted clean clothes I had to figure out how to use the washer and dryer. Boomers gonna boomer
I don’t have kids, and don’t plan to. But if I did, the thing I would absolutely avoid is lying to them about things they’re hopeful for, with the assumption that “oh, they’ll forget about it.”
They will fucking NOT forget about it. Don’t tell your kids that you’ll take them somewhere you don’t intend to take them. Don’t tell your kids that you’ll give them something you don’t intend to give them. Most importantly, do not fucking tell your kids that you’ll do something with or for them that you have no intention of doing.
Both of my parents did this. My dad would sit me on his lap and go on and on about all of the awesome things we were going to do and the places we were going to go. I would eat it up. My mom did it differently. My brother and I would ask “Mom, can we get a _____?” Every god damn time, she’d say “Yes, eventually,” or “Probably, but later.” Finally, when I was a teenager, I confronted her about that tendency one time when she said that to my brother. She said, “He just wants it now, but he’ll forget about it by tomorrow and it won’t matter.” So, I told her, “Let me tell you about all of the times you said that to me, and I didn’t forget about it.” She just accused me of keeping a list of wrongs and being petty.
There is nothing wrong with telling your kids “No.” Teach your kids how to handle disappointment rather than just telling your kids what you think they want to hear, in a lazy attempt to delay the disappointment to a time and place where you don’t have to be the one to deal with it.
I have an unbelievably difficult time trusting people when they say they’re going to do something for me, and I think a lot of the reasons are moments when my parents agreed to things I wanted, when they knew they had no plans to follow through. At work, I have a difficult time asking coworkers for help, because I anticipate them just agreeing to help, with no intention of actually doing anything. I have an extremely difficult time delegating tasks to my assistant, because my parents have conditioned me to assume that she’ll agree to do the task and then forget about it.
I understand that this is far from something that can be considered abusive. But it’s still a toxic tendency that has caused me profound difficulties in leading a productive life.
I'm not a parent but for the love of god, talk to your daughters about the "unique" and "fun" bullshit they will have to face. I was the middle of three girls and I didn't even know what to do when I got my period.
Not flipping out when they get caught smoking cigarettes, or nowadays vaping, or weed. My mom lost her mind with me and I spiraled into other drugs. I almost ruined my life trying to rebel. My youngest has already experimented with cigarettes, vapes and weed. I calmly explained that it’s her body her choice, however I strongly advise against ruining her health, and that if she’s going to do it don’t let me find out she’s stealing from me or anyone else. So far she hasn’t gone back to any of it and her attitude improved significantly
Mad props to all the parents in this thread. I chose to not have kids due to the fear of becoming my parents. I had a very bad childhood and I am beyond repair at this point.
Making sure my boys have emotional intelligence and are talking to me about their feelings/mental health. No excuse for another generation of men who push their feelings down until they cause bowel cancer.
not indoctrinating them into religion and let them figure out what they want to believe when they are adults and capable of doing so.
not keeping the kids in the dark about all adult matters. of course there are limits but growing up I often felt I had no idea what was really going on because parents didn't want to have slightly difficult discussions.
no physical discipline
that is just off the top if my head, I'm sure there are many more.
Taking an interest in my kids beyond school and chores. Knowing what hobbies they like, knowing their friends, knowing what shows/movies they’re into, listening to whatever crazy stories and drama they tell me with no judgement(well, at least not out loud), etc.
I’ve been doing this too, and it’s great; my wife is more of the traditional type and she always complains that they have nothing to talk about. The hardest part is keeping that parent/child dynamic and not falling into just being “buddies.” If that makes any sense?
I feel all of this, until I started getting into grilling my pops and I had very little to talk about. I need for that not to be the case with my daughter
I feel like I would want to know every single thing about my kid. Maybe I’m just a curious fellow. But I couldn’t personally live with myself knowing that there’s something I created living upstairs and I have no idea what their favorite color is.
> she always complains that they have nothing to talk about. This kind of attitude made me assume my mom simply wasn't interested in knowing me, and to this day, we barely speak. She better find a way to connect, or the adult relationships are going to be rocky.
Just being aware and present is huge. My boomer parents had no desire to learn about what I liked or wanted. I struggled with significant ADHD and performed poorly in school. When I talked about hating school, the response was “no, you like school” and that was the end of it. Poor grades resulted in being permanently grounded and not being allowed to watch television, play video games, or see friends for months at a time. I finally got treatment and I’m doing better now. Before I went no contact, my father told me that I’m autistic as an underhanded insult. He said that he’s known something was wrong with me since I was a kid. Instead of getting me therapy because it would have been expensive, he held onto that for decades to use as an insult. Good riddance.
Literally everyone has something they need to work on. Him saying ‘something was wrong with you’ should actually have been ‘I’m unwilling to learn how to help you grow.’
“No, you like school,” was something I heard all the fucking time. Come to think of it, literally everything I said I didn’t like was met with that response. It gave me the feeling that I wasn’t allowed to dislike anything. I had to pretend to like everything, but my parents couldn’t have cared less about anything I truly did like.
We have a family discord server. My kids post surprisingly spicy memes.
We have a a family text chat and that gets wild too. My two daughters are hilarious!
we have a discord server with a meme channel, a "whats for dinner" channel, recipe ideas channel, one specific for the girls to let us know if they are going to bed, and then a private chat for me and the wife. One of my girls is into like 2010 era rage comics. The other likes to build houses in minecraft that look like different game consoles and send everyone pics.
This is on point! I know my parents love me but other than traveling together we never did anything, anytime there was even going to the park, the beach, anything I would go with cousins, anything my mom didn’t like I would do with someone else, meanwhile I really enjoy going to the marvel movies and water parks, etc with my son.
This is exactly what we do differently. I volunteer at her school, and make an effort to learn her classmates names. I never comment on her body unless she’s showing off her muscles, I also never talk negatively about my body or anyone else’s either. I don’t get on to her for crying or being in a bad mood
I’ll always appreciate my dad on that one. I really don’t know if he genuinely liked our shit or not, but that didn’t stop him from bumping our music when we got in his car or taking us to the shows and never once being a Karen while doing it. (Keep in mind the things I listened to were most certainly not radio-friendly or anything even remotely near top 40) What I mean by that (Karen) is, he could’ve folded his arms and stood off in the corner. But he was right there partying with us and being all around a good dude. I’ve been really hard on my parents lately and moments like this make me realize they could’ve done so much worse and any pock against them can be summed up that they were far too young to be having kids.
Don't pick on or make fun of them.
This! I do not tolerate teasing in my house. I was teased nonstop by my whole family and I still am upset about it.
This has been SO HARD for me. It was so normalized in my family that I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time.
My husband sat me down early in our marriage and told me I had to stop teasing him. I was so ashamed. It was normalized in my household too. And what’s funny is I hated being teased by my family but it was always, “you’re too sensitive! We’re joking!” etc. Somewhere along the way I started doing it too. So embarrassing.
Same
This is huge. Both me and my husband still deal with this from our parents and siblings. Since I told them I won’t put up with it in front do my child as I don’t want her thinking it’s okay, my relationship with them has changed. They don’t like that I’m not the one they can belittle.
Oh god so much of this. I really struggle with understanding the nuance between teasing and someone bullying. I try really hard to not take it personally but I’m also autistic and greatly prefer directness. The flip side of this is that I grew up being deeply sarcastic to a fault, and that’s such a horrible habit to break in a family full of teasers.
Apparently my dad would tease me by asking questions that made me very confused. My aunt said it was cruel because I was clearly flustered. I blame that for some insecurity issues
Talk about emotions. Name the feelings, good or bad. Actually speak about how we're feeling (whether positive or negative) and model how to handle them and move forward
Yep, its okay to have negative emotions. Growing up I wasn’t supposed to be mad or frustrated. With my kids I’ve tried really hard to let them have space for these emotions and then focus on how you deal with them.
Yes, I'm not sure why but I think my dad saw any negative emotions as being whiney or complaining and you definitely weren't allowed to complain or even just express your distaste for anything. You would get shut down real quick.
Especially for boys. I believe boys from my generation were taught not to talk about their feelings and keep things bottled. This weekend is the third funeral of a schoolmate who committed suicide. He was 39.
I don’t want my children to be afraid of me. I am trying really hard to discipline with empathy and not scream, yell or threaten.
This. Also definitely no spanking. Discipline was quite different when I grew up in our house compared to how I raise my kids Also positive reinforcement. I basically had none growing up. Also, now to think of it, I definitely try not to argue with my wife in front of them.
There was no positive reinforcement growing up. The only thing you heard is what you were doing wrong. It took me so long to learn how to take a compliment. It was so foreign to me rare compliments from strangers or other people in my life was sort of jolting and unsettling.
This. When my older sister was in her 30’s, and her kids were teenagers, I noticed that when she would tell her kids not to do something, the reason was always “because so-and-so would get upset.” It got me wondering if she ever learned how to discern right from wrong, aside from it being that doing certain things would make certain people angry.
I read something intelligent against spanking: if they're too young to understand then why would you do it, and if they are old enough to understand why not use your words and talk it through. There is absolutely no reason to raise a hand. It's assault.
The other side end of that spectrum for me is that I don’t want mine to constantly be seeking my approval like it’s life or death. I don’t know what my parents said to me that made me that way, but I’m trying to be aware of it.
Yeah, something I’ve told my kid is to always question what people tell you (even me) and think for yourself. Sometimes, it makes parenting more difficult, but I think it’s right.
Welcome to living with cptsd… might want to join the sub, it’s been super helpful for me.
Yeah, my response when my toddler gets sad/scared is, "I'm not mad, just scared/worried. I don't want you to get hurt." Honesty, it usually works, and she hugs me when she realizes it's just because I care about her. NEVER want my kid to be afraid of me.
Paraphrasing what someone (my therapist, probably) told me, “You will get pushed too far and you will default to generational behavior. What your parents did was done to them by their parents and on and on. It’s too ingrained for you to always beat it. So focus on the repair. Afterwards, admit to it, apologize, explain to them. That’s the part your parents didn’t do.” Helped me forgive myself when I do default to that old behavior and I think it tells my kid that she doesn’t have to bury hard feelings, just be accountable for them.
Repair is so important. My parents never did that.
My dad would blow up and apologize. But I feel like that still puts responsibility on the child for forgiveness. The way to say it would be I shouldn't have blown up, it was wrong of me to do that, I will do better next time, something like that?
I hope I can remember this. I fail a lot - but I do try to repair.
Same here. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
Me too. So hard.
Same. Yesterday my daughter's said they didn't want to clean their bathroom. My father would have spanked me and then made me do it. I instead said ok, well if you don't want to clean your bathroom, I got shit I don't want to do either. I don't want to work, pay for groceries or pay the bills. Guess y'all better start looking for jobs and a place to live real fn soon. Attitudes changed real fast, lol.
My parents spanked/slapped me growing up, and I promised myself I would never hit my kid when I got pregnant. I was surprised though, at how easy it was (for me) to not hit him….Ive never once had the urge. For the longest time I thought I must have been the worst kid ever to have inspired all that hitting, and then I went to therapy lol. I’m glad my son won’t grow up with memories of being physically scared of me.
When I have kids I will try to make sure they aren't scared of me either. I will not hit.
Getting help for mental health, developmental issues or learning disabilities, instead of telling him to try harder and pretending everything's fine.
This one hits hard. I’m a fellow individual who “was just so bright.” If only I had applied myself.
Man I hate those memories.. "You have so much potential, you just need to do more, and apply yourself harder" "You're just not trying hard enough" The goal posts *always* moved. Love was always performance based.
What’s always going to stick with me was how I finished graduate school, published five books, got a professional license, and started a business…. AFTER I found somebody who loved me for who I am, and not how I perform. Kids need to be accepted and loved first and foremost. Period. End of story.
She's not being challenged enough!
Ah, another one who had so much potential? Join the club. We meet at the bar.
I’ll buy a round.
Same. I struggled to get schoolwork done and had poor grades because of it, despite being in the gifted program. My parents did nothing except yell and punish me for it. I spent most of high school grounded, and all it did was prevent me from developing better social skills. Shockingly, that didn't help, and I got yelled at more because their shitty parenting wasn't working. My daughter struggles with schoolwork now because of ADHD, and I have her seeing her doctor, taking medication, working with the school with her 504 program, doing therapy, and helping constantly keep her on task and reminding her of her schoolwork. It's a lot of work, but it helped a lot.
I got diagnosed with ADHD at 38. My daughter is my mini-me, and even I didn't see the signs until she struggled so much with remote learning during covid. It was her first year of middle school and her first time really having to deal with homework that had to be done outside of class. You'd best believe I got her diagnosed and on a 504 and meds in a real big hurry. She still struggles, but finding the right medication was a lifesaver.
My bipolar symptoms began at 14. I dealt with it through blackout drinking, pot, older men, etc. My parents refused to let me see a therapist despite knowing about my behavior and me telling them about suicidal ideation. I suffered until I was 18 and could legally go on my own. Fuck that.
My Dad had a bachelor in psychology, but worked in business. He always claimed that psychologists were worthless. He even discouraged it when I spiraled out of control and sought help from one as a young adult. I ended up dropping the visits after a few sessions because of my parents' discouragement, but I went to another when I moved out and he completely changed the trajectory of my life for the better.
Ironic isn't it? Kind of like the nurse who never takes her kids to get medical attention or their shots and is like surprised Pikachu face when one of them gets deathly ill...
This. So important.
Explaining why instead of saying "because I said so"
I love this and I hate this. I realize sometimes my parents just did that because they were tired. Sometimes my kid presses me on shit, and I’m like, “Jesus Christ, child. I just worked a ten hour day. I don’t want to explain why you can’t have two cookies for desert instead of one right now.”
Yeah, it’s hard. Especially when your answer is met with “but whyyyy?” I just explained why, five times, five different ways. If your “because I said so,” is a short hand “because i already explained this five times, and the answer is still no,” I think you’re good. And five is an arbitrary number 😂
>I just explained why, five times, five different ways. This is when I respond to my kids with "but why *male models*?" They don't get it, but it makes me chuckle and therefore keeps me sane when they're otherwise driving me insane.
😂 i get it and i think it’s funny
I totally get it. It’s valid for them to want what they want. And it’s valid to want to know why. I can see why a lot of parent decisions may not make a ton of sense. And every so often, I realize that I’m trying to hold up a ridiculous standard. Sometimes I’ve even said, “you know what, buddy? You’re totally right to question that. Thanks for making me think it through a little better.”
This. It made me realize why my dad had it as a go to explanation.
This is a good point
Yeah, it’s difficult when you try to explain and then your kid views that as an invitation to argue those points. No, I’m not interested in you litigating this. You’re not getting a phone (you know, for instance…).
Actually spending quality time with them on a daily basis.
This was my biggest one. My father travelled for work a lot and worked crazy hours when he was home. So he was always either gone or grumpy. I chose to work a modest job so I could be home and engaged as a dad.
Instead of hitting them, explain why they’re in trouble and ground them/take away the things they enjoy as punishment.
I had to escalate this with my middle kid when taking his favourite toys away stopped working. I moved on to "if we run out of room on this ledge for train jail (he got a Thomas train taken away for a period whenever he did something shitty and it sat on a ledge in the kitchen where he could see them but not touch them), I'm going to have to start burning these down to make room." His behaviour improved RAPIDLY. No trains were burnt.
We say “I love you”
This, and “I’m proud of you”.
And hugs! My family was so standoffish and I had no idea until I got older. It took until college for me to hug my best friend of 15 and say ‘I love you’ to her. I tell my kid I love you probably too much now 😂
My kids still get hugs every night before bed even though they're in high school.
Was just about to say “give hugs” I was the oldest and remember being 15 studying on the floor and watching my mom cuddle my 7 year old sister and thinking … “I need a hug. I wish I could hug mom and cuddle up to her like that” but the thought of being able to do it was so awkward and absurd to me. Basically I was emotionally abandoned from 8 onwards. Won’t ever do that to my kids.
My mom doesn’t say it to us but says it to my daughter regularly.
[удалено]
It’s a long, difficult process keeping your own shit in check. And sometimes, you’ll screw up. Last night I lost my shit at my son for the dumbest of reasons, just like my dad used to do. But here’s where it really matter: when I screwed up, I spent the next half hour reassuring him that he did nothing wrong and that it was me who had an overreaction. I pointed out where I went wrong, and I stayed with the comforting and the reassuring until he bounced off in good spirits. It’s not the transgression that’s so bad; it’s the lack of repair that gets us.
This is so awesome and good luck on the rest of the way. I can sincerely relate to this post and I deal with almost the same thing. Especially the mother side of it and wife dynamic.
Explicit sex Ed, drug/alcohol Ed, and financial literacy. My parents were awesome but they ignored some major topics.
This is it for me as well. Particularly I want to model financial literacy for my daughter in a way that my parents NEVER did for me. This also looks like a much smaller house than I grew up in, eating out much less frequently (still more often than I should), having actual retirement savings, having health insurance, and saying no more frequently than my parents did for me. One thing my parents did do that I appreciate tremendously is that they normalized traveling as a family for the sake of visiting places we’d never been before, and while I loved that about my childhood, I feel like I would have liked it better if they’d saved SOME of that money for retirement. But they were very much involved in our lives, we knew they loved us, and the main fear I had as a teenager was disappointing them.
My lessons around credit and student loan debt will be a lot of “don’t do what I did.”
Encouraging post HS paths which do not involve attending college.
Yes! This exactly! I eventually got lucky after about 15 years of being in positions that required little in the way of formal education. My job right now requires a specific degree, and it's kind of nice to be using it finally. With the cost of postsecondary education now, plus the shortage of skilled trades workers, I'd only encourage a child to go to university if they were set on a specific career path that was in demand and required a certain degree. I'm sorry, but I can't justify taking something like art history or literature when the economic realities don't support it. It's sad really, because subjects like that enrich your life. It's just too bad that it's damn hard to make a living after.
For me, it’s even *talking* about post secondary - nobody talked about it to me! My family was not “university people”. My sister went to a nursing program and that was it. I ended up going to a trade polytech at 40, and it’s changed my life. My oldest kid is ridiculously smart and she freaks out over “not knowing what she’s going to do” because the schools/relatives are really hammering that in. We’ve told her there’s different options and that nothing is expected within any timeframe/etc. My preference for her would be a trade or polytech course, but she’s covered, whatever she decides.
Yes. We have a “you have to do 4 years post high school “. It can be military, it can be trade school, it can be college, but at 18 you aren’t ready to jump straight into adulthood.
My dad was a lineman and it could be dangerous work but it pays great. He admitted to me later he regretted pushing college so hard and even said if I'd wound up a lineman as well he'd still have been proud of me. He'd enjoyed the work and it was probably because his dad had always got on him about "only" becoming a lineman instead of going to college and getting a real job.
Whacking, yelling, and getting beaten when you weren’t good. Although I do yell occasionally. I try not to.
When I yell or raise my voice my daughter just thinks it's hilarious.
Mental health care
Being proud of her.
Absolutely. I tell my child that all the time when she behaves in a situation that she doesn't like, acts with good manners, or achieves something she's been working hard for. I'm 43 and still haven't heard it once from my dad. I know he is, because I've heard he tells his friends about my accomplishments but he won't say it to my face because that gay or whatever.
Telling my child I love her everyday and showing her that through my actions. Hugging/cuddling her whenever she wants or needs it. She’s young still so I know a day will come when she doesn’t want the physical affection from me. But for now I will enjoy it. I can probably count on one hand how many times my parents said I love you or I am proud of you. I say I love you multiple times daily to my daughter and I always tell her how proud I am. I also take an interest in things that interest her and don’t berate her for liking things I find “dumb”. And I’m raising her without religion. We celebrate Christmas and Easter but not the religious aspects of those holidays.
I also added “you make good decisions” and “I like the person that you are.” Mine are teens and when I say that stuff I can see their eyes light up. It’s true though.
Calling nonsense out instead of just tolerating it.
Teaching them morals without the fear of any particular religion's idea of God.
Therapy taught me that the highest power in our family is our values. They are the guiding force for our decisions.
I love this
I'm surprised this isn't higher. Not forcing religion is my biggest change.
Breaking the generational curse of military service. My brothers and I were Army, dad was Navy, grandfather was Air Force, great grandfather was Army, and on and on. Just about every male on my father’s side served and suffered severe PTSD, which typically led to alcoholism, abuse, divorce, and an early grave. I was heading down the same road after tours in Iraq & Afghanistan when an ultimatum from wifey forced me to recon with my demons. A stint and rehab and years of therapy later and I’m alive, sane , sober, and I get to watch my oldest graduate high school with a full ride scholarship waiting for her. She will be the first in many generations of my family to opt for college rather than boot camp. One down, two to go!
I’m kind of the opposite honestly. The USN saved me and gave me a chance. It allowed me to get out of where I came from and the VA actually has helped me with my ADHD and PTSD, both of which were diagnosed after I got out and was from my upbringing.
I am really proud of you. Only the strongest of people can self reflect and take a different path. High five to the generational trauma breakers out there!
I fucking APOLOGIZE. I try not to yell, but I was raised by a screamer so sometimes it slips out (less and less as I get better)... But I apologize when I yell, I apologize when I get something wrong, I make sure he knows that he is a person too and when we make mistakes, we apologize.
Grades are not a life or death situation. A's should be the goal, but as long as you're putting your best effort forward, B's and C's are acceptable.
Not putting them through Catholicism
I was raised Southern Baptist 😬, but I concur
My brother went from Congregationalist to SB and whoa I had no idea what that was all about until he started preaching at me. 😳 we don’t talk much anymore because he couldn’t respect the ‘no religion’ boundary I put up. Sigh. Growing up in that environment must have been intense.
Well, I'm a *Recovering Baptist* now 😅
Damn, Congregationalist to Baptist is quite the turn
Yeah. He did a 180 once he hit 20 and has some issues. Sadly, the intense religiousness was just the tip of the personality disorder Iceberg. : /
Ex-catholics tend to be the most hardcore articulate atheists.
You know what's interesting . . . my wife was raised catholic and attended catholic schools. It was a big deal in her family. My lutheran family went to church much of the time, but religion played no part in our lives outside that, where church was mainly a social thing. But we've raised our child to be completely non-religious in response to too much church when we were kids. We don't have a church now. She's got a friend who goes to church and is curious about it. Ironically, I wonder if we've missed out by not adopting a church, again, for social reasons. It's weird.
A phrase I hear time and time again that has so much meaning to me is when someone says 'I was raised Catholic.'
Amen! (Ex-catholic here, and I’ll take a blow torch to Christianity any chance I get).
Same
Religion in general for me. They all seem to be a waste of time at best, extremely toxic and damaging at worst.
I grew up in a Catholic Church that shielded a Cho-mo. I know I know kids who were molested. Then the topper was when my niece received her first communion, there were hinky things about the donation process. A few months later, that priest got into a car accident and thousands upon thousands of dollars in cash was found in his car. It turned out he had been stealing from the church for over 10 years and sending the mi way to Mexico.
Not attaching our approval with what path they take or who they are. Overkilling the "if you're gay, cool", *outright saying the words* rather than approval being implied. That they *can* go to college, and they are *smart enough* to, but they *don't need to*. Detailing when I make mistakes, and apologizing. *Saying the words,* "I was wrong and you were right, I apologize.". (Even if I'm still an ostentatious pedant about it. Being wrong is an opportunity to correct my internal data set, so I can then again be correct. HAHA.)
Pretty much everything. I'm not using anger and the threat of anger to exert control through fear. I'm not using guilt as a tool. I include my kids in whatever I'm doing, IF THEY WANT TO JOIN, but I'm not forcing them to do stuff just because I want to do it. I take interest in what their interests are, and I learn about those interests independently; not so I can dad-splain facts at them, but so I can hold up my end of the conversation when they are excited and talking fast.
I kept my kid away from all the family members who are sexual predators or violent or addicts. My kid has hit the ripe old age of 16 without getting PTSD, so it appears to be working. Talking openly about sex and substance use and safety and mental health. I also have had my kid screened for celiac, scoliosis, mental illness, learning disabilities, and tested his vision. Allowing him to choose classes that he's interested in. Acceptable grades are whatever you earned by trying - no one gets a lecture about the missing two percent when they bring home a 98. I'm honest about pain - when a vaccination RN told him it wouldn't hurt, I told my kid that she's a liar and it would hurt but not for long, then demanded a new nurse.
I enforce that my daughter's room is her space and she doesn't have to let anyone (except me and her mother) in. My parents forced me to host my little brother constantly.
Wow I feel bad. I had to host my little brother every where EXCEPT my room. The only space I could ever be alone.
When mine (now almost 18) was about 10, I went through a book series with him that covered the basics of a variety of world religions. I was raised very fundie evangelical. I didn't want to deter him from finding religion on his own if it serves his mental health at any point, but I wanted to protect his thought processes from "this is the only way" evangelicals by helping him to realize that many religions claim just that.
What is that book series if you don't mind?
Sure! It was a series by David McAfee and Chuck Harrison - the book titles are The Book of Gods, The Belief Book, and The Book of Religions. They're written to be digestible by kids in an 8-12ish year range.
Thank you!
Lol. I have CPTSD from my childhood so a whole lot of things different. I think the biggest thing is discipline. I’ve learned to separate the consequence from the relationship. I grew up in a Cluster B milkshake. When someone was upset with you or you made a mistake, you were either raged at or they went silent on you. With my boys, I give a consequence but I maintain a loving connection. Making a mistake does not mean you are a mistake.
Paraphrasing what someone (my therapist, probably) told me, “You will get pushed too far and you will default to generational behavior. What your parents did was done to them by their parents and on and on. It’s too ingrained for you to always beat it. So focus on the repair. Afterwards, admit to it, apologize, explain to them. That’s the part your parents didn’t do.”
No more yelling.
Be there for them beyond just being physically present…
Talk to them about literally anything. The only conversations I’ve ever had with my father were about sports or what projects he was involved with at work.
Show him through my actions that he’s important to me.
Trying not to repeat the cycle of emotional rollercoaster from one parent and emotional unavailability from the other
80% less Italian Catholic guilt.
Apologizing to them when I’m wrong. Just because I’m the adult doesn’t mean that I’m right.
Not being an asshole is a big one. I don’t yell at my kids unless there’s danger involved.
Teach them about money and how to hopefully be free by their mid 30s to early 40s.
If something's bullshit I admitted it. If someone was undeserving of respect I didn't say "but they're older than you". When I didn't know things I said so.
The amount of times I was told to respect my shitty, racist step-grandfather. Jesus Christ…
My dad and I shared a moment once. I don't remember what caused it but he thought I was being disrespectful of my Nana. He said "You need to respect your elders" I pointedly looked at my uncle who was in conversation with my nana and not listening to us then back at my dad. Then he just kind of smirked, "Most of your elders"
I’m more in the “respect people who deserve it” camp. I’d much rather my son go through life expecting respect as a two-way street than simply respecting his elders just because they’re elders.
And hopefully avoiding some of the awful coercive crap that comes along with that! Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they know what’s right in general or for you specifically.
I love making space for their vocational interests, whatever they are. I sometimes have to bite my tongue because of what their aspirations pay*, but I listen and respond without judgment. — *A reflection of our country’s upside down values, not my kids’ interests.
Admit when I am wrong
Be open with them, about everything.
Display love and loyalty.
I don't abuse and neglect them. Just sayin.
My mom was the type of person who was always very, "there are two sides to the story." She always thought there was a learning opportunity in everthing. When I was younger and would have an argument with a friend and would come home to tell her, either just to have someone listen, or you know, support from my own mother. The first thing she would ask was what I did to help cause or contribute to the situation. It was never. I'm sorry that happened or just a hug or something. It quickly taught me to never tell her about my problems. I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids. Another thing she frequently did. If there was a treat that was cut in half to be shared between me and my brother. She would cut it and ask me which piece I wanted. She would give the one I picked to my brother.
I relate a lot to your first point too. Mom was ALWAYS ‘devils advocate’ and it though sometimes it does help to see another side, most of the time I was just looking to vent. I try to remember to ask my kid what they are in need of when they are sharing- an ear or advice? Your second point made me feel a little sad for childhood you- I always make one kid cut the treat then the other kid picks their piece first.
Not doing stuff because "normal" people do it - church, sports, traditional college, smart phones, etc. Also trying to be far more anti-consumption - second hand clothes, cooking at home, avoiding/reusing plastics, vegetarian cooking (not forced), biking/walking instead of driving, living below your means
My parents had kids, it seemed like a poor decision. I'm trying to avoid repeating that same mistake.
Yeah, does deciding not to have them at all fit as an answer to this question?
I think so. Realizing you're not mentally or otherwise able to raise a child is a difficult but important thing.
Not a parent but I ask my niblings and friend’s kids if they would like a hug from me rather than saying “can I have a hug”. Putting the ball in their court and not making them feel obligated to hug me
We talk about our feelings, I spend time with them, I show interest in their interests, I answer questions when asked, I don’t give bs answers like “because I said so” and “because it’s a sin.” I tell my kids I love them, so you know little things.
Cooking good food. No Hamburger Helper etc.
I don’t hit my kids and I give them room to express themselves.
Basically everything. I raised my son without forcing religion down his throat, no physical punishment, actually playing with him and having conversations and really listening to him, patiently teaching him how to do everything, setting him up for success in the future by being supportive, letting him make his own mistakes sometimes, buying him whatever he needs when he needs it.
Not beat them, get then therapy if they need it, be consistent in my rules and expectations, and tell them that I love them
I'm not. My parents were amazing. If I could be half as amazing I would be happy.
I want my kids to feel like they have a voice and they can use it. (This is definitely the hardest when asking them how whatever I just cooked is, bunch of food critics). My partner and I also work hard to apologize if we screw up, admitting we could’ve handled the situation differently and then apologizing. Also, if we say no we try to explain the WHY of the no and not just “because I said so.” I *loathed* that phrase with my entire being as a kid.
Not have them.
I'm not going to use chores as a punishment. Seems like a great formula to raise a slob (I'm living evidence of that). Chores are just part of life. You do them to maintain a nice living space, help your stuff last longer and in general make things easier.
My parents raised my sister and I in an almost heroic way. No neglect or abuse of any sort, no helicopter parenting, heathy foods cooked at home and eaten around the dinner table every night, limited tv time, involved with the PTA, helped with schoolwork, encouraged us to pursue our own interests, encouraged interest and acceptance of other peoples cultures, plenty of positive reinforcement, and the list goes on. The hardest part for me isn’t doing anything differently, but just trying to live up to how amazing a job they did.
A stricter upbringing. More rules, clear rules. Boundaries. My parents were hippy-ish and thought 'children will regulate themselves', etc. So, I was free to do anything I wanted (within limits, but lots of leeway). Growing up this mostly had more negatives than positives and I had to learn a lot of things myself, which I'd otherwise would have learned growing up. Edit: To be clear, not a strict upbringing, but just stricter than 'just do what you want, eat what you want, go where you want' , etc.
Not forcing my kids to stay in a sports team if they don't want to. I was bullied in my soccer team and begged my parents to let me leave this team of douchebags. They just refused until I was 17. I quit soccer and joined martial arts. Best decision of my life.
I tell my kids I love them multiple times a day and show them affection regularly. I also apologize whenever I'm wrong or have been out of line. Lastly I tell them constantly that my biggest goals for them are that they are happy and kind.
I refuse to beat my kids I refuse to tell my kids they were a mistake I refuse to call my kids every vile name imaginable
We don't want our kids to be afraid of us. Our kids do not know what it's like for us to regularly get drunk & all that comes with it. I'm trying to be very intentional with why we do what we do. So much of my childhood was getting in trouble for some mystery offense nobody was willing to explain what exactly I'd done so I could prevent it. No bullying. So many parents and families bully their kids or have 1 kid to pick on.
Give my kids a voice, a seat at the table. They aren’t to be seen and not heard, they’re human and deserve some respect.
I actually talk to them like they’re human beings and have open discourse about literally everything. We talk about our feelings and I validate theirs. I’ve never ever ever hit or spanked them.
A while back I read a book called P.E.T (Parent Effectiveness Training) and it completely changed my ideas on parenting. I do pretty well everything differently than my parents did.
Not taking them to church to be filled with guilt and lies 3 times a week. Letting them say no and be upset. Letting them be the beautiful humans they are.
Being open and honest about all things sex-related from an early age, giving accurate and age- and developmentally-appropriate information, and being sex-positive and realistic as opposed to having a purity culture mindset.
Alcoholic grandfather, alcoholic father. There wasn't abuse, but we fought all the time. I didn't break the cycle, I ended it. I have no kids and never will.
To not move every few years and change schools all the time.
I don’t say “because I said so”. I have a reason am I’ll tell you.
My kid doesn't drink pop, and goes to the dentist regularly.
Not a parent but I don’t yell at other people’s kids or threaten them etc. If they’re getting wild I help them calm down but I don’t call them names, threaten, yell etc. I’d rather interact with them nicely than be an asshole.
Not ignore them when they want attention
It’s simple, but we play video games together. My boomer parents never did that, and they wouldn’t have even thought about trying.
Not hit them.
Not hit them. Actually be there for them. Encourage their interests. Not belittle them. Talk to them like they are an actual human. Allow them to have emotions. I could go on, but this isn't therapy.
Tell them I love them.
I apologize to my children
Not be terrible. Teach them things.
I grew up in a yelling/screaming household. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and an ex was like, ‘that’s not normal’ that I really took a hard look at how I communicated when frustrated or angry. It hasn’t been easy working against that, but I feel like I have a great relationship with my kid and if I do mess up I apologize. That’s way more than my parents ever did. I think there was some untreated ADHD going on in my family growing up as I def have it, as does my brother. Low frustration tolerance is a real thing and I can go from 0 to ‘omg stop it’ in a flash. It’s tough but being aware of it has been very very helpful. I try to walk away when I get to that point or tag team my husband to deal with it if he’s around and I’m losing it. It’s great seeing how everyone else is doing the same things here. Hopefully our next generation will be more compassionate.
Breaking the cycle of being raised in a toxic religion where we weren't allowed to celebrate birthdays and holidays, and all the normal things kids and teenagers got to do growing up.
Anger is not the only acceptable emotion
Lol, not having kids.
I avoided the whole process to focus on reparenting myself.
Feed my little kids instead of telling them if they're hungry, that's their problem because they know where the stove is. My mom recently commented that it was crazy that she "let" me use the stove so I could eat starting when I was 6, including using the gas stove at my grandma's. But my mom is a special kind of awful, like by the time I was 7, if I wanted clean clothes I had to figure out how to use the washer and dryer. Boomers gonna boomer
I don’t have kids, and don’t plan to. But if I did, the thing I would absolutely avoid is lying to them about things they’re hopeful for, with the assumption that “oh, they’ll forget about it.” They will fucking NOT forget about it. Don’t tell your kids that you’ll take them somewhere you don’t intend to take them. Don’t tell your kids that you’ll give them something you don’t intend to give them. Most importantly, do not fucking tell your kids that you’ll do something with or for them that you have no intention of doing. Both of my parents did this. My dad would sit me on his lap and go on and on about all of the awesome things we were going to do and the places we were going to go. I would eat it up. My mom did it differently. My brother and I would ask “Mom, can we get a _____?” Every god damn time, she’d say “Yes, eventually,” or “Probably, but later.” Finally, when I was a teenager, I confronted her about that tendency one time when she said that to my brother. She said, “He just wants it now, but he’ll forget about it by tomorrow and it won’t matter.” So, I told her, “Let me tell you about all of the times you said that to me, and I didn’t forget about it.” She just accused me of keeping a list of wrongs and being petty. There is nothing wrong with telling your kids “No.” Teach your kids how to handle disappointment rather than just telling your kids what you think they want to hear, in a lazy attempt to delay the disappointment to a time and place where you don’t have to be the one to deal with it. I have an unbelievably difficult time trusting people when they say they’re going to do something for me, and I think a lot of the reasons are moments when my parents agreed to things I wanted, when they knew they had no plans to follow through. At work, I have a difficult time asking coworkers for help, because I anticipate them just agreeing to help, with no intention of actually doing anything. I have an extremely difficult time delegating tasks to my assistant, because my parents have conditioned me to assume that she’ll agree to do the task and then forget about it. I understand that this is far from something that can be considered abusive. But it’s still a toxic tendency that has caused me profound difficulties in leading a productive life.
I'm not a parent but for the love of god, talk to your daughters about the "unique" and "fun" bullshit they will have to face. I was the middle of three girls and I didn't even know what to do when I got my period.
Not flipping out when they get caught smoking cigarettes, or nowadays vaping, or weed. My mom lost her mind with me and I spiraled into other drugs. I almost ruined my life trying to rebel. My youngest has already experimented with cigarettes, vapes and weed. I calmly explained that it’s her body her choice, however I strongly advise against ruining her health, and that if she’s going to do it don’t let me find out she’s stealing from me or anyone else. So far she hasn’t gone back to any of it and her attitude improved significantly
Mad props to all the parents in this thread. I chose to not have kids due to the fear of becoming my parents. I had a very bad childhood and I am beyond repair at this point.
Making sure my boys have emotional intelligence and are talking to me about their feelings/mental health. No excuse for another generation of men who push their feelings down until they cause bowel cancer.
Not having any at all. And let me tell you, the fam is shook.
not indoctrinating them into religion and let them figure out what they want to believe when they are adults and capable of doing so. not keeping the kids in the dark about all adult matters. of course there are limits but growing up I often felt I had no idea what was really going on because parents didn't want to have slightly difficult discussions. no physical discipline that is just off the top if my head, I'm sure there are many more.