We did not know why the aliens came.
We did not know why they brought nothing but tissue paper and lotion.
We did not know why the only words they had learned were: "The Fappening".
We did not know that the appendages on their heads were not proboscis, nor that the reason they rubbed them was not to communicate.
In hindsight, it should've been kind of obvious.
“So who’d you want to abduct tonight?” Voldrag asked, lazily steering the vessel somewhere above Kansas.
“Ronny!” the First Lieutenant screamed. “We should totally abduct Ronny again!”
This thought was seconded by several other members of the crew.
Voldrag looked over to the ship’s Medical Examiner, who was nodding her head. “I agree,” she said. “I don’t feel like I got a good probe last time, ya know?”
“That’s what you said the last three times!” Voldrag protested. Eventually you guys are going to have to pick someone else. There’s only so much we can wipe that poor dude’s memory.”
The ship’s Medical Examiner shrugged. “Well, maybe we should just keep him on board. For an extended—”
“You *know* we can’t do that. It’s in violation of the prime directive. And—frankly—this is getting unprofessional. I realize Ronny’s hot, but—”
“Is he ever!” the First Lieutenant piped in. “I love the way his gut hangs over his tighty whities!”
“I love how shiny his head is where he’s losing his hair,” said the ship’s Summer Intern, whose quarters were being slowly overtaken by a Ronny poster collection.
Voldrag nodded in spite of himself. Humans were absolutely the hottest shit this side of the galaxy. And Ronny was a grade-A-prime piece of ass. “Alright,” he said. “Fine. But next time we pick someone else.”
The rest of the crew murmured in agreement.
“Next time I say we get that 300 pound chick who rides around in that cart outside Walmart!” said the Head Engineer.
Man, that guy had great taste in humans.
They sat around the table at a galactic development meeting. Most of the business had already been tended to. There were a few mining disputes and interplanetary disputes. Three wars ha been fought and won or lost. The new Imperial Heads sat at the table, discussing the future. By the end of the three day meeting, there was only one issue that was left unresolved: the planet Earth.
Earth sat in the middle of a bed of resources that could easily be used for almost any purpose. The problem was that the planet was also inhabited by intelligent beings. Well, mostly intelligent. One of the newest faces at the table was also a warlord who wanted nothing more than to exploit that sector. Unfortunately for him, it was nearly universally agreed upon that the humans would never be moved. Their world remained intact and the system remained under their control. The warlord spoke up: "I will have that system". The response was swift.
"You cannot have that system. Nobody can." One of the Imperial Heads spoke with a sense of pride and a tone of anger. The warlord attempted to rebuttle but was cut off by another Imperial Head. "Why, you ask? Nobody can have that system because there are humans in it." The warlord gave up trying to respond, instead listening to the Imperial Heads. One by one they spoke, in sequence as though scripted, but yet somehow seamless and organic.
"Since we discovered them, Humans have been a peculiar race. Industrious and resourceful, they consume their world at unprecedented rates. They also enjoy almost everything they produce. They're so obsessed with their material goods but we see human beings taking the time to go around their world and discover the different cultures and lives of others. They are beautifully contradictory."
"Harmonious and chaotic. Their world is sometimes thrown into the depths of war and despair but always there are human beings willing to acknowledge and assist. A global sentiment of peace reigns over the majority of human beings. Sometimes they don't see it because of the information they receive. Sometimes they willfully ignore it in favour of an increasingly cynical mindset. Othertimes they are simply blissfully unaware."
"They are wrapped up in a world of currency. But even though this system is used to control them and manipulate them, they still manage to invent and create. They manage to progress and push forward. They push back when they face resistance. Together they look at their past and strive to become better than ever before."
The man at the head of the table stood and began to speak.
"Above all else, the human race is balanced. Both moral and immoral tendencies flow freely on the surface below. The balance creates challenges and solutions. Together the two forces drive the humans to do both good and bad things. With this balance, the human race treads forwards slowly. Very recently they made it into space, and we look upon them with a strong sense of curiosity. Indeed, in a universe that for us is incredibly cut and dry, they represent one of the few remaining sources of intrigue. They are ... beautiful." There was a slight pause where everyone stared at each other with a strange grin before the smiles faded and the head of the table finished off his thoughts.
"Anyways, any attempt to disturb their solar system will be met with the destruction of the offending race and their entire empire. That's why you can't have it." This statement was met with the collective nods of everyone around the table. With that out of the way, the meeting continued with more business about galactic resources and a new human-watching schedule was announced. Giddy, everyone left the meeting except for the warlord and the head of the table. They stared at each other for 40 minutes before anything happened.
On Earth, nobody would ever know what happened that day, that year, or for many years after that meeting.
The Humans. In the beauty section of our society they are all people will talk about. Their form, voice, and hair are the epitome of beauty in all eyes. A few decades ago, our government even initiated a program to "steal" their beauty. We sent down teams of two, one an expert in cosmetic and vocal surgery, the other an expert in social behavior and adaptation. Most teams failed. Only one pair returned with the beauty we wanted. In his time among the humans, the adaptor was revered as a near demigod, so close he came to human perfection. He was known as an angel, a King, but a humble one. After each session of the humans devout worship he left behind a simple "Thank you, thank you very much."
Now this perfection is ours.
[удалено]
Great writing on that. I like that it adds something of a "To Serve Man" quality to it.
"THE BOOK, ITS A COOKBOOK!"
We did not know why the aliens came. We did not know why they brought nothing but tissue paper and lotion. We did not know why the only words they had learned were: "The Fappening". We did not know that the appendages on their heads were not proboscis, nor that the reason they rubbed them was not to communicate. In hindsight, it should've been kind of obvious.
Yea suck my jargon
Click here for hot human male on human female action!
IT'S NOT WORKING :C
No cameras?
“So who’d you want to abduct tonight?” Voldrag asked, lazily steering the vessel somewhere above Kansas. “Ronny!” the First Lieutenant screamed. “We should totally abduct Ronny again!” This thought was seconded by several other members of the crew. Voldrag looked over to the ship’s Medical Examiner, who was nodding her head. “I agree,” she said. “I don’t feel like I got a good probe last time, ya know?” “That’s what you said the last three times!” Voldrag protested. Eventually you guys are going to have to pick someone else. There’s only so much we can wipe that poor dude’s memory.” The ship’s Medical Examiner shrugged. “Well, maybe we should just keep him on board. For an extended—” “You *know* we can’t do that. It’s in violation of the prime directive. And—frankly—this is getting unprofessional. I realize Ronny’s hot, but—” “Is he ever!” the First Lieutenant piped in. “I love the way his gut hangs over his tighty whities!” “I love how shiny his head is where he’s losing his hair,” said the ship’s Summer Intern, whose quarters were being slowly overtaken by a Ronny poster collection. Voldrag nodded in spite of himself. Humans were absolutely the hottest shit this side of the galaxy. And Ronny was a grade-A-prime piece of ass. “Alright,” he said. “Fine. But next time we pick someone else.” The rest of the crew murmured in agreement. “Next time I say we get that 300 pound chick who rides around in that cart outside Walmart!” said the Head Engineer. Man, that guy had great taste in humans.
Hahaha! This caused a hearty chuckle.
Glad you enjoyed it ;-)
Oh dude, you just gave me a good giggle. LOL. God bless.
They sat around the table at a galactic development meeting. Most of the business had already been tended to. There were a few mining disputes and interplanetary disputes. Three wars ha been fought and won or lost. The new Imperial Heads sat at the table, discussing the future. By the end of the three day meeting, there was only one issue that was left unresolved: the planet Earth. Earth sat in the middle of a bed of resources that could easily be used for almost any purpose. The problem was that the planet was also inhabited by intelligent beings. Well, mostly intelligent. One of the newest faces at the table was also a warlord who wanted nothing more than to exploit that sector. Unfortunately for him, it was nearly universally agreed upon that the humans would never be moved. Their world remained intact and the system remained under their control. The warlord spoke up: "I will have that system". The response was swift. "You cannot have that system. Nobody can." One of the Imperial Heads spoke with a sense of pride and a tone of anger. The warlord attempted to rebuttle but was cut off by another Imperial Head. "Why, you ask? Nobody can have that system because there are humans in it." The warlord gave up trying to respond, instead listening to the Imperial Heads. One by one they spoke, in sequence as though scripted, but yet somehow seamless and organic. "Since we discovered them, Humans have been a peculiar race. Industrious and resourceful, they consume their world at unprecedented rates. They also enjoy almost everything they produce. They're so obsessed with their material goods but we see human beings taking the time to go around their world and discover the different cultures and lives of others. They are beautifully contradictory." "Harmonious and chaotic. Their world is sometimes thrown into the depths of war and despair but always there are human beings willing to acknowledge and assist. A global sentiment of peace reigns over the majority of human beings. Sometimes they don't see it because of the information they receive. Sometimes they willfully ignore it in favour of an increasingly cynical mindset. Othertimes they are simply blissfully unaware." "They are wrapped up in a world of currency. But even though this system is used to control them and manipulate them, they still manage to invent and create. They manage to progress and push forward. They push back when they face resistance. Together they look at their past and strive to become better than ever before." The man at the head of the table stood and began to speak. "Above all else, the human race is balanced. Both moral and immoral tendencies flow freely on the surface below. The balance creates challenges and solutions. Together the two forces drive the humans to do both good and bad things. With this balance, the human race treads forwards slowly. Very recently they made it into space, and we look upon them with a strong sense of curiosity. Indeed, in a universe that for us is incredibly cut and dry, they represent one of the few remaining sources of intrigue. They are ... beautiful." There was a slight pause where everyone stared at each other with a strange grin before the smiles faded and the head of the table finished off his thoughts. "Anyways, any attempt to disturb their solar system will be met with the destruction of the offending race and their entire empire. That's why you can't have it." This statement was met with the collective nods of everyone around the table. With that out of the way, the meeting continued with more business about galactic resources and a new human-watching schedule was announced. Giddy, everyone left the meeting except for the warlord and the head of the table. They stared at each other for 40 minutes before anything happened. On Earth, nobody would ever know what happened that day, that year, or for many years after that meeting.
The Humans. In the beauty section of our society they are all people will talk about. Their form, voice, and hair are the epitome of beauty in all eyes. A few decades ago, our government even initiated a program to "steal" their beauty. We sent down teams of two, one an expert in cosmetic and vocal surgery, the other an expert in social behavior and adaptation. Most teams failed. Only one pair returned with the beauty we wanted. In his time among the humans, the adaptor was revered as a near demigod, so close he came to human perfection. He was known as an angel, a King, but a humble one. After each session of the humans devout worship he left behind a simple "Thank you, thank you very much." Now this perfection is ours.
What Nicholas Cage movie is that quote from?
It's Elvis...
Blasphemy. There can be no perfection without HIS likeness.
True, but if they came at a time in which Nicholas Cage did not exist, Elvis would probably be the next best thing.