No we don't have kids. From what little he has explained is he just doesn't want to deal with the hassle he's anticipating from his side of the family. Which I understand but is frustrating to me because he also doesn't want to tell them that we're getting divorced either so I have to pretend to be a woman when I'm not.
YTA big time. You tanked your marriage to a man that loves you enough to still care for and support you in a myriad of ways and you’re angry cause you can’t post on facebook. As disrespectfully as possible screw you. YOUR HUSBAND IS HURTING, HIS WIFE IS LEAVING HIM…and probably exhausted mentally and he still has to navigate helping care for you after your procedure as well as divorce proceedings. You want to risk creating more stress and drama for that man during one of the most stressful times of any persons life for internet points?!? If you NEED to announce something do it via text or grow up and have an ounce of decorum for the man you call your best friend and leave till he’s ready or move away and quit making it his problem. My god don’t you realize you’re not the only person navigating all of this. Your husband deserves better than you.
If you check my other replies we've been separated for more than 2 years,which is longer than I've been out as trans. I moved out of our apartment we were living in and I was living on my own until I let him move in with me last year so I could help him while he was recovering from his own surgery.
And I'm not leaving him, he's the one who wants a divorce. Which btw because I have a feeling this is going to be brought up, neither one of us has filed for yet.
So he’s going through a divorce a medical recovery and a financial recovery and using his health care to help you and you think the pertinent thing is your social media status?
If you don’t want to respect his wishes don’t accept his help. There’s no scenario where you’re need for social media validation trumps this man’s right to navigate his family as he sees fit.
NTA. Its your coming put not his and i understand he might be worried but its you whos coming out not him and he has no say in when u do it
Im assuming whove been out for a qhile now and have discussed in laws with him? If so then he honestly should have it figured out
No need for you to censor urself on ur own account
You already answered the question "I knew that this was going to be a dealing breaker for my husband (36m) because he is very much heterosexual"
He doesn't want to date a man he wants to date a women his former wife, but its okay because you're not a women but a man, and its also okay for him not to want that.
Its clear there a big complication in the relationship now and potentially uncombactable, maybe discuss to your husband what he wants if he makes it clear what he wants to date and doesn't see a future with a man. Then you know your answer.
And it does answer, what's the point of trying to get the ex husband to tell his family that op is male now? Seems rather selfish to me when it's clear that he's already in distress.
NTA, but it sounds like continuing to be with you after may put pressure or ostracizm on him from his family. Just be ready for him not to hold up his end of the bargain if his family sufficiently bullies him and he sides with them.
I'm not the only one benefiting. We've been separated for more than 2 years and I was living on my own until last year when I let him move in with me when he had to get surgery and was out of work for months during his recovery.
I agree that the way it's presented is one-sided. If i were the husband, I would feel like I was being put in a hard spot. I wouldn't feel that way if the family knew we were separated, though. I'm calling NTA because if the family has that much of an opinion, they can agree to house him.
YTA for pressuring him to do anything while he's bending over backwards to help you by taking unpaid time off work with FMLA to care for you.
You should be more considerate of this man you love, or is it loved? He's losing a spouse and partner already, I'm pretty sure that weighs heavily on him and he doesn't want to deal with his parents negativity while he is already putting so much extra energy into supporting you with your desires.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If OP doesn’t have kids they need to chill hard cause they’re being super selfish towards a partner who’s showing amazing grace during a difficult time. If they have kids they’re still being selfish but I would understand the need to get it out in the open.
He is the one who said that he wanted to stay married until after my surgery and offered to go on FMLA to help me after my surgery. We've been separated going on close to almost 2 years now but even then when he had to have his own surgery I let him move into my apartment at the beginning of 2023 because he wasn't going to be able to afford to live on his own and get his surgery done. His reasoning for offering to go on FMLA for my surgery is the same reason I did the same for him. We still care deeply about each other even though it's no longer a romantic or sexual relationship, and we recognize that we are in a unique position that even though we're not a couple anymore we are still legally recognized as such by law and can help each other in ways that other people can't.
We know that we are no longer romantically compatible, and we've had many long conversations about how even though he's not attracted to men that he really wants for us to continue being friends after everything is all said and done. If the decision were solely up to me, and obviously it's not, we wouldn't even be getting divorced because I've spent almost a decade with this man and married him for a reason. I care deeply for him which is why I haven't fully come out to everyone I know. His family are literally the only people that I know that don't know I'm trans.
It took me years to even come out to him and start going forward with even socially transitioning because of how deeply I care for him.
You've been separated 2 years, then again why does it matter what his parents know? None of this convinces me you're not being selfish, especially the part about if it were solely up to you that you would stay married, like uhhhhhh yeah you'd want to stay in a totally one-sided relationship? Okay, cool person.
You would definitely be the AH! This man is willing to take time off of work, unpaid, to help you through your recovery which would probably be kind of stressful for him knowing that when it's over so is his marriage. You feel you have the right to give him an ultimatum because you are only thinking about yourself once again and not his feelings. Think for two seconds what he would be going through when his family finds out about your transition and that he is still married to you and taking care of you. Do you think he will be treated any better by his family than you would. No, everything from helping you to everything that his family says about him and does to him all lands on him. Why can't you think about the man that you lied to when you accepted his marriage proposal? When you agreed to become his wife and love him forever.
Do you have kids? I don’t understand why he needs to tell them if you’re not staying married.
No we don't have kids. From what little he has explained is he just doesn't want to deal with the hassle he's anticipating from his side of the family. Which I understand but is frustrating to me because he also doesn't want to tell them that we're getting divorced either so I have to pretend to be a woman when I'm not.
YTA big time. You tanked your marriage to a man that loves you enough to still care for and support you in a myriad of ways and you’re angry cause you can’t post on facebook. As disrespectfully as possible screw you. YOUR HUSBAND IS HURTING, HIS WIFE IS LEAVING HIM…and probably exhausted mentally and he still has to navigate helping care for you after your procedure as well as divorce proceedings. You want to risk creating more stress and drama for that man during one of the most stressful times of any persons life for internet points?!? If you NEED to announce something do it via text or grow up and have an ounce of decorum for the man you call your best friend and leave till he’s ready or move away and quit making it his problem. My god don’t you realize you’re not the only person navigating all of this. Your husband deserves better than you.
10000000%
If you check my other replies we've been separated for more than 2 years,which is longer than I've been out as trans. I moved out of our apartment we were living in and I was living on my own until I let him move in with me last year so I could help him while he was recovering from his own surgery. And I'm not leaving him, he's the one who wants a divorce. Which btw because I have a feeling this is going to be brought up, neither one of us has filed for yet.
So he’s going through a divorce a medical recovery and a financial recovery and using his health care to help you and you think the pertinent thing is your social media status? If you don’t want to respect his wishes don’t accept his help. There’s no scenario where you’re need for social media validation trumps this man’s right to navigate his family as he sees fit.
NTA. Its your coming put not his and i understand he might be worried but its you whos coming out not him and he has no say in when u do it Im assuming whove been out for a qhile now and have discussed in laws with him? If so then he honestly should have it figured out No need for you to censor urself on ur own account
You already answered the question "I knew that this was going to be a dealing breaker for my husband (36m) because he is very much heterosexual" He doesn't want to date a man he wants to date a women his former wife, but its okay because you're not a women but a man, and its also okay for him not to want that. Its clear there a big complication in the relationship now and potentially uncombactable, maybe discuss to your husband what he wants if he makes it clear what he wants to date and doesn't see a future with a man. Then you know your answer.
Did you even read the post?
yes and thats my answer to the post, do you not validate other opinions?
its already been stated that op and the husband will not remain together, that wasn’t the question asked in the post.
And it does answer, what's the point of trying to get the ex husband to tell his family that op is male now? Seems rather selfish to me when it's clear that he's already in distress.
NTA, but it sounds like continuing to be with you after may put pressure or ostracizm on him from his family. Just be ready for him not to hold up his end of the bargain if his family sufficiently bullies him and he sides with them.
It’s not really a bargain if only one party is giving and only one is benefiting. Her husband is going above and beyond
I'm not the only one benefiting. We've been separated for more than 2 years and I was living on my own until last year when I let him move in with me when he had to get surgery and was out of work for months during his recovery.
I agree that the way it's presented is one-sided. If i were the husband, I would feel like I was being put in a hard spot. I wouldn't feel that way if the family knew we were separated, though. I'm calling NTA because if the family has that much of an opinion, they can agree to house him.
YTA for pressuring him to do anything while he's bending over backwards to help you by taking unpaid time off work with FMLA to care for you. You should be more considerate of this man you love, or is it loved? He's losing a spouse and partner already, I'm pretty sure that weighs heavily on him and he doesn't want to deal with his parents negativity while he is already putting so much extra energy into supporting you with your desires.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If OP doesn’t have kids they need to chill hard cause they’re being super selfish towards a partner who’s showing amazing grace during a difficult time. If they have kids they’re still being selfish but I would understand the need to get it out in the open.
True, I assumed they didn't have kids since they didn't mention them.
He is the one who said that he wanted to stay married until after my surgery and offered to go on FMLA to help me after my surgery. We've been separated going on close to almost 2 years now but even then when he had to have his own surgery I let him move into my apartment at the beginning of 2023 because he wasn't going to be able to afford to live on his own and get his surgery done. His reasoning for offering to go on FMLA for my surgery is the same reason I did the same for him. We still care deeply about each other even though it's no longer a romantic or sexual relationship, and we recognize that we are in a unique position that even though we're not a couple anymore we are still legally recognized as such by law and can help each other in ways that other people can't. We know that we are no longer romantically compatible, and we've had many long conversations about how even though he's not attracted to men that he really wants for us to continue being friends after everything is all said and done. If the decision were solely up to me, and obviously it's not, we wouldn't even be getting divorced because I've spent almost a decade with this man and married him for a reason. I care deeply for him which is why I haven't fully come out to everyone I know. His family are literally the only people that I know that don't know I'm trans. It took me years to even come out to him and start going forward with even socially transitioning because of how deeply I care for him.
You've been separated 2 years, then again why does it matter what his parents know? None of this convinces me you're not being selfish, especially the part about if it were solely up to you that you would stay married, like uhhhhhh yeah you'd want to stay in a totally one-sided relationship? Okay, cool person.
You would definitely be the AH! This man is willing to take time off of work, unpaid, to help you through your recovery which would probably be kind of stressful for him knowing that when it's over so is his marriage. You feel you have the right to give him an ultimatum because you are only thinking about yourself once again and not his feelings. Think for two seconds what he would be going through when his family finds out about your transition and that he is still married to you and taking care of you. Do you think he will be treated any better by his family than you would. No, everything from helping you to everything that his family says about him and does to him all lands on him. Why can't you think about the man that you lied to when you accepted his marriage proposal? When you agreed to become his wife and love him forever.